Create a Happier Version of Yourself: Redirect Your Energy for Positive Thinking

In this episode, you will learn how to take back your power when you’re in the midst of change, stress, or uncertainty, and then redirect your energy for self-transformation. If there’s an area of your life that you’re feeling unhappy about and want to take control over, today’s episode will show you exactly what to do. Joining Mel in this deeply personal episode is her 21-year-old son Oakley. He candidly shares how he went from feeling stuck and lonely, to finally feeling happy again, and the simple mindset shifts and changes that made the biggest difference. He and Mel openly unpack how to go from feeling unhappy about a situation you feel like you don’t have a lot of control over, and how to move through it. In this episode, you’ll learn: -How the fantasy version of your past keeps you from seeing what’s possible now -How to know whether it’s you or the situation that needs to change -Why it’s unfair to criticize where you are if you haven’t done this one thing -How long you should give a new situation before deciding if it’s the right fit -The 4 things you may be doing to keep you stuck and unhappy -The signs that you’re “quietly quitting” the situation you’re in -The science of luck and what happy people do to make their own luck -The first thing you need to do when you’re unhappy and want your life to feel different Here’s the hard truth: nobody is coming to rescue you - and that’s good news. It means you have more power than you think. The moment you see what’s keeping you stuck, you can start changing it. After today, you’ll know exactly what needs to change first. For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page: https://www.melrobbins.com/episode/episode-410/ Follow The Mel Robbins Podcast on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themelrobbinspodcast I’m just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I’ll see you in the next episode. In this episode: 00:00 Meet the Guest 04:20 The 4 Reasons Life Changes So Hard 09:23 How to Find Happiness Right Where You Are 23:21 The Power of Saying Yes 32:15 How to Create Your Own Luck 37:03 What Stops You From Being Happy 46:20 If You Change Nothing, Nothing Changes 56:05 The Reason You Need to Keep Going Expedia. The one place you go to go places. — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com​ — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins​?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Mel Robbins?

  Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

• 0:09Mel Robbins?

  All right, I have a personal story that I am dying to share with you and I'm also really excited because our 21-year-old son Oakley is going to be joining me on this episode and you are going to get so much out of this. So here's the story. Couple of weekends ago, our son came home, he's a sophomore in college, and I was so shocked at how happy he was. And the reason I was shocked is because he's been miserable at school for about 18 months, like the lowest I have ever seen my son in his entire life. And it makes you realize that I guess you never truly understand just how sad someone is until you see them

• 0:51Mel Robbins?

  happy again. And it's been so hard to watch him struggle in college. Like, I'm like, maybe you should transfer, maybe you're in the wrong place, maybe you made a mistake, you can't find your people, you're just so unhappy. And as hard as it's been for me and for my husband, Chris, to watch him struggle, I know it's a lot harder to be the person that's unhappy. I mean, from the outside, you can feel how sad and disconnected they are. You hear it in their voice, you see it in their energy, you know, you're just not yourself. And if you're the person who's unhappy, over time, something happens. You become so discouraged, you start to believe this is how your life is always going to feel. And so, we asked

• 1:36Mel Robbins?

  our son, what happened? And as he started to detail the things that had changed, there were four specific takeaways that emerged. And these are really interesting takeaways because they're very useful, whether you're unhappy right now in your life, or you're watching somebody that you love who has become very unhappy. And you're going to love these four takeaways because as you go through them one by one, it helps you understand, okay, is it truly the situation that's making me unhappy, or is it me? And once you go through

• 2:17Mel Robbins?

  these four takeaways, you are going to have a roadmap to become happy again, or to go, whoa, it's not me, it's the situation. And the thing that's going to make me happy is to leave it. You ready? I am. Let's get started.

• 2:42Mel Robbins?

  Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am ecstatic that you're here. Today's episode is going to be amazing. I love what we're going to talk about today because it's just one of those conversations that I know is going to either help you immediately, or it's going to help somebody that you care about. And I'm also going to be having this conversation with you and one of my most favorite people in the world. Who am I talking about? I'm talking about our son, Oakley Robbins. He's 21 years old. I cannot wait for you to meet him. And whether you're here right now, in this moment of your life, and you're feeling unhappy, and you're trying to figure out, how can

• 3:23Mel Robbins?

  I be happy again? Am I unhappy because of the situation? Whether that's a relationship, or a job, or a place that you're living? Or am I unhappy because of the way I'm showing up to the situation? If you're sitting here right now, and you're struggling with the decision, okay, should I stay where I am, or should I go? You're going to leave our conversation today with four takeaways. What I love about these four takeaways is they basically act like a checklist. A checklist that you can use at any time that you feel unhappy, and they become a roadmap. And as you go through the four takeaways, you're going to have to look in the mirror and be like, okay, it's me, it's me. Or, you're

• 4:06Mel Robbins?

  going to listen to all these four things, and as we go through the checklist, you're going to go, oh, it's not me. And the way that we're going to get into this checklist, I'm really excited about, because we're going to do it a deeply personal way. My son is going to share all about what was happening and what was making him super unhappy. I'm going to talk about a period in my life where I was really unhappy in a new chapter, and kind of thought I had made a major mistake. And we're going to use our personal stories as a backdrop to help you navigate those moments in your life where you're just not happy, and you don't know what to do. I am so proud and so excited to introduce you

• 4:49Mel Robbins?

  to our son, Oakley Robbins. Oak is 21 years old. He just finished his sophomore year in college, which you're about to hear all about. And we're going to use his experience of being unhappy as a way for us to talk about these four takeaways and this simple checklist that you can use to help you become happier and to help you make decisions about whether to stay or whether to go. All right, let's jump into it. Please help me welcome my 21-year-old son, Oakley Robbins, to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

• 5:23Speaker 01

  Hello, everybody. Thank you for having me. Really excited to be here.

• 5:26Mel Robbins?

  So Oakley, the reason why I wanted you to come on is because about a month ago, you came rolling in after work in your window washing business, and we had just wrapped taping a episode for the podcast, You're in Vermont. And you were just so bubbly and so happy. And one of our team members, I think it was Ben, asked you, like, dude, what happened? Because you had been very open about the fact that the first year and a half of your college experience basically sucked.

• 6:00Speaker 01

  It was horrible.

• 6:01Mel Robbins?

  So Ben started asking you questions, like, what changed? Like, did you transfer? You're like, nope. And we kept peppering you with questions, like, what was it exactly that had you go from hating where you were, feeling lost, feeling down? And we started to pick apart these things that were changing, that you changed. And there were four themes that emerged. Those four things that you shared about are a checklist that anybody could use to look at a situation that they're in where they're really unhappy, and figure out, is it me, or is it time to change the situation? Do I need to change? Or does the

• 6:46Mel Robbins?

  situation need to change? Sometimes it's both. Okay, so for the person that's here with us, why don't you tell them, Oak, basically, what you thought was going to happen when you went to college, and then what the reality was, and how you felt for the last 18 months?

• 7:00Speaker 01

  I think before I can get into what changed, I need to talk about kind of what, like, where it all began.

• 7:06Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, great.

• 7:07Speaker 01

  And so, it all started in high school. I loved high school, like, more than anything. High school was just so great. I had great friends, great family. I really felt valued there, and I really valued the place that I was in. I was challenged academically, I was on sports teams, I was the team captain of both sports teams I was on. And every single day was just pure joy, you know, waking up and being like, oh, this is the best. Like, I'm so excited to go in and see all these people that I love so dearly, and I just, I cannot wait.

• 7:41Mel Robbins?

  And I want to say one thing.

• 7:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:44Mel Robbins?

  Prior to high school.

• 7:45Speaker 01

  Oh, I did not like school. Prior to high school, I hated school, like, hated it with a burning passion.

• 7:52Mel Robbins?

  Did you have a lot of friends?

• 7:53Speaker 01

  No. And I wasn't very good in the academic field. Like, everything was kind of just downhill. Middle school and elementary school was all pretty, pretty tough for me. I believe that I would never be a school guy. And then when I got to high school, something just kind of switched for me. And I really started to dive into the academics, I really dove into the friendships, and I really just like immersed myself in the world of school. And it all became this wonderful thing that I fell in love with. And that's also probably why I say I love high school so much, because it was the first time in my life where I had something like that, that I was like, wow, this is amazing. And I'd never felt so strongly about a place and people before. So, that was incredible.

• 8:32Mel Robbins?

  And it sounds like you also felt very strongly about yourself.

• 8:35Speaker 01

  Yes. I was also very happy with me and who I was in that place, in that setting, and how I operated and moved through that world.

• 8:42Mel Robbins?

  Were you outgoing?

• 8:43Speaker 01

  Yes, very. I was super outgoing. I knew everybody at my school. We had about 900 kids in my school. And I knew everyone in my class, everyone in the class below. And just everybody. I was a senior mentor, so I kind of looked after a group of freshmen. And that provided me a lot of purpose. I went to a soup kitchen after school, and I was able to help out the local Vermont community. I really inserted myself in the community. You know, I really put myself in there, and I really made sure that I was doing all the things, and getting busy, and meeting people, and just kind of saying yes to everything I could.

• 9:19Mel Robbins?

  Now, one of the reasons why I wanted a little bit of detail is because I think one of the magical things about life is that periods of your life in the past where you were happy, or content, or fulfilled, provide clues about how you can access those feelings again in your present life.

• 9:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:43Mel Robbins?

  And that brings me to the next question, which is, what happened when you went to college?

• 9:49Speaker 01

  So, senior rolls around, and college decisions, the applications, they're not great, but you know, you get through them. I still loved my life, you know, I still had a lot of fun. Anyways, it comes time to pick where I wanted to go. And I, you know, I was excited about some colleges, I wasn't about others. And because I had so much joy and love for the current place that I was in, I honestly didn't want to go anywhere. And I wasn't too excited about any of the decisions I made. So, it comes time to go to college, and I am already dreading it. I am not excited to leave my home, I'm not

• 10:30Speaker 01

  excited to leave my friends. I'd just gotten into a relationship, and I was very, very, very like smitten with this girl. She was incredible. And so, I had so many reasons not to leave. And the only reason why I felt like I should go is because everybody says you should go to college. And so, going into it, I was really shooting myself in the foot because I didn't even want to go in the first place. And so, I got there, and I was immediately miserable. I was so sad. It was raining the day we moved in, and I just remember moving all my stuff into my room and feeling excited for this.

• 11:12Speaker 01

  I was telling myself I was excited for this new chapter in life and that it was gonna be super exciting because everybody always says that college is the best four years of your life. And so I was trying to hype myself up and say, you know, this is gonna be great. You're gonna love this. It's gonna be better. It's gonna be better than what you once had. And, you know, even though you just let go of everything that you loved, you're gonna, you're gonna find much better and you're gonna enjoy it even more. And so, obviously, day one, I didn't have that and I was so scared. And I would have given anything to go back to the feelings and the things that I had before I got there.

• 11:48Mel Robbins?

  I think we all do this, like, and this gets us to take away one, which is, you can't open a new door if you're gripping the old one.

• 11:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:00Mel Robbins?

  And you cannot be content where your feet are if you're constantly comparing it to where you've been.

• 12:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:10Mel Robbins?

  You just can't do that.

• 12:11Speaker 01

  No, yeah.

• 12:12Mel Robbins?

  But I want you to put us at the scene because as you're listening to Oak, you may be comparing your life before something happened. Like, maybe you lost somebody you loved and you're constantly looking back and it's been years. Maybe you changed jobs and you are comparing this to the old. Maybe you're in a new relationship and you're comparing it to an old relationship. You know, I've had a very similar experience, Oak, and I'll share more about this, that when we moved from the Boston area to Vermont, you were on Cloud Nine.

• 12:51Speaker 01

  I was on Cloud Nine. It was amazing.

• 12:53Mel Robbins?

  I needed professional help.

• 12:55Speaker 01

  You did.

• 12:57Mel Robbins?

  I was so unhappy. I hated it here. I hated everything about it. The second my feet hit the state, I was convinced we had made a mistake. And if you're unhappy where you are right now, you have to ask yourself honestly, am I spending a lot of time comparing this to that? Am I spending a lot of time holding something from the past over the present? Because that is a guaranteed way to make you super unhappy now if you're constantly comparing what happened in the past to what is in front of you in the present.

• 13:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:36Mel Robbins?

  And so I want you to put us at the scene of how this would affect your day to day life.

• 13:44Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 13:45Mel Robbins?

  Like, you wake up in the morning, what are you thinking?

• 13:47Speaker 01

  I'm immediately like, wow, I miss my room and I miss my dogs and I miss my cat.

• 13:52Mel Robbins?

  You're walking down the hallway or you're walking across campus to class?

• 13:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I'm immediately met with this sense of loneliness. You gotta take into account that this is still the first few months of school. So I'm walking to class and I'm thinking, goodness, this would be so much better if my hometown friends were here. And I was walking to class with my hometown friends instead of walking to class with these mutuals or with nobody.

• 14:15Mel Robbins?

  What's a mutual?

• 14:16Speaker 01

  Like a friend that's, you don't really know, but you've like met him a few times. And so you're like, you're mutual friends, but I'm not gonna like go out of my way to hang out with you. But if I see you, I'll say, hey.

• 14:26Mel Robbins?

  Whoa, okay.

• 14:27Speaker 01

  But I-

• 14:27Mel Robbins?

  I think we're starting to get a lens into whether it's a situation or it's you, but keep going.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  A lot in the whole friendship department where I was wishing my friends were here. And my, my girlfriend and I continued to stay dating into college. And so there was a lot of, I wish she was here. I wish I could go see her. This would be so much better if I could come home and she would already be at my dorm instead of just on the phone. And then another example is, uh, sports team.

• 14:55Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 14:55Speaker 01

  So I played frisbee in high school. And I came to college thinking I'm gonna try out for the frisbee team. And so I go to tryouts and immediately I'm met with this feeling of the sense that it doesn't feel like how my high school team felt. And that was a huge turn off for me. I, I remember being at tryouts and just thinking, this sucks. This sport that I loved so much doesn't feel like how it did in high school and I don't wanna play it anymore. And so for the first year of college, I didn't play frisbee uh, because I felt like it didn't feel the same. And so it wasn't worth my time. And that really shot me in the foot. That was, that was a big one that shot me in the foot.

• 15:39Speaker 01

  Meal times, I'd be sitting around a table with my friends and I would just be feeling so much sadness. Again, wishing that my home friends could be there instead of having to make these new friends because I felt that they weren't the same or we weren't as close. I gave them an unfair start because from the beginning, I told myself that they would never be the people that I wanted them to be because they weren't the same people that were from my hometown.

• 16:04Mel Robbins?

  Well, what I'm like thinking, I'm just gonna be honest with you because I think you can hear it.

• 16:09Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah.

• 16:10Mel Robbins?

  It's shocking how judgmental you are.

• 16:11Speaker 01

  Oh my God, it was horrible. It was horrible. Even in the moment, I remember I'd come back to my dorm at the end of the day and go, wow, this is very unlike me. Like, I feel very judgmental as of lately. And this is not, this is not the type of person that I normally am.

• 16:24Mel Robbins?

  And this is why this first takeaway is so critical. When you start asking yourself, is it the situation or is it me? You have to ask yourself first, am I comparing this current chapter to something else? Because it is so unfair to the new person or the new apartment or the new neighborhood or the new job or the new chapter of your life to hold something from the past over this new thing.

• 16:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:57Mel Robbins?

  And if you're kinda nodding along that you're really robbing yourself of the opportunity to experience something new because you're so busy comparing it to something that you know, you're the one that is making yourself miserable.

• 17:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:16Mel Robbins?

  And the judgmental piece comes from the comparison. Because comparison by its very nature causes you to judge. Because you're comparing one thing against the other and then it becomes this snowball effect where if all you're doing is looking for the reasons that something doesn't measure up, what are you gonna see?

• 17:35Speaker 01

  Only the things that don't measure up.

• 17:37Mel Robbins?

  Correct. And you miss what?

• 17:39Speaker 01

  The great things about the place that you're in.

• 17:41Mel Robbins?

  Yes, which is why you can't fully open up a new door if you're gripping tightly to the old one.

• 17:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:49Mel Robbins?

  And this didn't just last the first couple of months.

• 17:52Speaker 01

  No, this lasted all the way up until the very start.

• 17:57Mel Robbins?

  January of this year.

• 17:58Speaker 01

  This lasted up until January 2026 and I went into college in, uh, September.

• 18:05Mel Robbins?

  It doesn't matter, I can do math on this podcast.

• 18:07Speaker 01

  Doesn't matter.

• 18:08Mel Robbins?

  So you did this your entire freshman year?

• 18:10Speaker 01

  Yes, and the first half of my sophomore year.

• 18:13Mel Robbins?

  And watching you do this was painful.

• 18:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:17Mel Robbins?

  And the other thing that's really sad about this is that another trap that we can fall into is believing that the best days of our life are behind us.

• 18:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:26Mel Robbins?

  And you started to convince yourself of that.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  I did. I really did. Because I saw no reason that the place I was in was gonna be better. I just couldn't find those reasons.

• 18:37Mel Robbins?

  Actually, Oak, I'll tell you what.

• 18:39Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 18:40Mel Robbins?

  The reason why I can see this on the outside is because first of all, I wasn't experiencing it.

• 18:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:47Mel Robbins?

  And I also knew that you weren't quote yourself. But I've also experienced this.

• 18:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:55Mel Robbins?

  So when we moved from outside of Boston where your dad and I lived for 26 years and we moved up here for you to go to high school up here, I hated it.

• 19:06Speaker 01

  You did.

• 19:06Mel Robbins?

  I hated it. And like you, all I did was look around this tiny little town where there are more cows than people and compared it to where we had lived for 26 years outside of Boston. I'm like, where is Target? Where is Whole Foods? Where is the movie theater? Where are the people? What do people do here? Like, where are the things that I know? And every time that I woke up in the morning, I'm like, this doesn't feel like I want it to feel. Like, I don't like this. It's new. Like, it doesn't feel right. And I started to get very critical of everything that I didn't like.

• 19:51Mel Robbins?

  And it started reinforcing that this wasn't going to be right for me.

• 19:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:57Mel Robbins?

  That it felt wrong, therefore it's not right. And I started to blame the place instead of seeing that my inability to let go of the door that had closed prevented me from seeing the wide open door in front of me.

• 20:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:15Mel Robbins?

  And one of the reasons why it's important to really examine periods of your life when you were happy is because it does provide clues about what you can bring forward to this chapter to help you be happy. The past is full of lessons. The present is full of opportunities. The future has both lessons and opportunities. It has both.

• 20:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:39Mel Robbins?

  But it's in applying the lessons to the opportunity of the present that you actually change the present and how you feel in it. But I wasn't doing that.

• 20:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:49Mel Robbins?

  I knew damn well that what would make me happy is making friends, but I sat in the house and bitched about how much I hated this place compared to where we live.

• 20:55Speaker 01

  I did the same thing in my dorm.

• 20:57Mel Robbins?

  Correct. And so the comparison actually amplifies judgment. And the comparison isolates you. And the comparison-

• 21:08Mel Robbins?

  Also inflates the fantasy of the old life because here's the truth for me. This wasn't the case for you, and I don't know as you're listening, if this is the case for you. I had gotten bored of our old life. I was tired of living in suburbia. I did want to change. I did want something new. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in that version of my life.

• 21:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:35Mel Robbins?

  I knew I was ready for a change, but when that change came, holy cow, it did not feel like I thought it was gonna feel. And so then all of a sudden, I'm like, I don't want this change.

• 21:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:45Mel Robbins?

  When you're comparing your current situation to something in the past, I personally felt a couple of things happening. Number one, I got very judgy.

• 21:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, very judgy.

• 21:54Mel Robbins?

  Number two, I started crossing my arms and I started leaning back. And I started over fantasizing about the past. And I also started unfairly, like, I don't even know if the right word is judging. It's like I was unfairly painting the life in front of me with a very unfair brush.

• 22:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:22Mel Robbins?

  Like I was seeing it through a lens that actually wasn't accurate.

• 22:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:26Mel Robbins?

  And I can see that now. I didn't even give it a chance, and that's the thing. You have to ask yourself, have I even given the situation a chance? Have I given the person a chance? Have I given the job a chance? Have I given the school a chance? Have I given this neighborhood a chance? Or have I been confronted by the change and I started comparing? And now I've got my arms crossed and I'm like, super judgy and I'm sitting back.

• 22:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, totally.

• 22:58Mel Robbins?

  Okay, so takeaway number one, if you're unhappy or someone else is unhappy in your life is the first question you have to ask yourself is, am I actually in the present? Or am I dragging the past here and using it as a measuring stick?

• 23:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:15Mel Robbins?

  And so the thing that I want you to do with this first takeaway is to really apply it to where you are right now. And are you sitting in comparison? Which very clearly robs you of the opportunity in front of you. And what is in your control is to stop yourself from comparing where you are to where you've been. To stop holding some fantasized version of your past over the reality that's in front of you. Because it's only when you stop comparing that you have an opportunity to let go of the past and to reach for the door in front of you and to open it. It's only when you stop comparing yourself that you have the opportunity

• 24:00Mel Robbins?

  to do a couple of other simple things that might make you feel more content. But if you are saying, no, I haven't been comparing myself. I was doing that beginning, but I'm not doing that anymore. I just really am not sure if this is the right situation, then you've checked the box. And that's step one on deciding if it's you or if it's the situation.

• 24:22Speaker 01

  There you go.

• 24:22Mel Robbins?

  Right? Oak, I love what you're saying, and I also appreciate how transparent you're being.

• 24:27Speaker 01

  Thank you, Mom. I appreciate what you're saying.

• 24:29Mel Robbins?

  Oh, well, you're welcome, and we gotta go to a break. I don't want to even stop talking to you, but I gotta give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words.

• 24:38Speaker 01

  We're gonna throw you guys to break and we'll be right back.

• 24:40Mel Robbins?

  Don't go anywhere because we have a couple more of these takeaways to walk you through when we return, and you do not want to miss them. Stay with us.

• 24:57Mel Robbins?

  Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins, and today I am here with

• 25:01Speaker 01

  Oakley.

• 25:02Mel Robbins?

  And you, and we're talking about how to know in life if it's you or if it's the situation that needs to change. And we're going through the simple four-part checklist. So let's move on to the second one, because we've already alluded to it, which is when you get yourself in a situation where you're comparing the old to the new, and you start judging it, you cross your arms, and you gotta really check your energy. So this is takeaway number two. Are you shrinking or is your energy expansive?

• 25:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:35Mel Robbins?

  And you're leaning in?

• 25:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, I got that I was really stubborn. And when I made the change, because I had so many wonderful people in my life saying, Oakley, just go and try new things and go say yes to all these people. And you know, your friends right now might not be the greatest, but who knows? Go try and meet more people. And I was like, no, everyone here sucks. And this place sucks, and everything at this school sucks. I hate everything and I want to go home. And everybody was feeding me the information and the tools that I needed to succeed and to love this place. And all I wanted to do was cross my arms and complain and say no. And I was being so, so stubborn. And it was so bad of me, because I, things could have changed a lot quicker.

• 26:22Mel Robbins?

  Ooh, that's a great insight. That's very honest, because you were stubborn for a year and a half.

• 26:27Speaker 01

  Stupid, so dumb of me. It was so dumb. I wish someone would like slap some sense into me.

• 26:34Mel Robbins?

  I tried.

• 26:35Speaker 01

  You'd vary what you did try, and I was very, very, I just didn't want to move from my position.

• 26:41Mel Robbins?

  What could I have done differently?

• 26:46Mel Robbins?

  Because I would call you on a Friday night, and you are a college freshman.

• 26:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, guys, I was, I would sit in my dorm every Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I was actually scared of the weekends, because the weekdays were great, because we had our schedules, you know? And we went to class and we did all that. And then the weekends would come and everyone would be like, all right, like, let's go party. And I'd be like, oh, I don't want to, I don't want to do that. Like, I don't want to, I don't want to go out and I don't want to go party. So the weekends were really hard, because it was like, someone was holding a mirror up to my face, being like, you're doing something that you shouldn't be doing, because it's hurting you right now. And you know what you should be doing, and you're actively going against what you need.

• 27:22Mel Robbins?

  You and I are so similar.

• 27:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know. It's great.

• 27:26Mel Robbins?

  Well, not great, when you're torturing yourself.

• 27:28Speaker 01

  Oh, well, yeah, in the stubborn world, but you know.

• 27:30Mel Robbins?

  Well, because when I moved here, and we got here, and I started comparing it to our old life, and I started hating it and getting very unhappy, and I started convincing myself that the place was wrong. We needed to move back. We had made a mistake. I started what sounds like you did, which is quietly quitting

• 27:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:54Mel Robbins?

  on the decision. I started turning against the place I was in, and I spent so much energy crying, sitting alone, convincing myself this was a huge mistake.

• 28:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:09Mel Robbins?

  I had two friends, Amy and Jesse, and we all hated it. So we also talked a lot about how we had made a mistake and that our husbands had tricked us into coming here, and now we hated them too. And I also spent a lot of time watching my friends on social media.

• 28:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:30Mel Robbins?

  And it felt like they were on a party barge in the Boston Harbor waving goodbye to me from my old life as I was slowly dying a long and torturous death here in the winters of Vermont on a mountain here with no friends. And when you're quietly quitting a relationship, you're sitting in judgment and you're pulling away. When you're quietly quitting a job or a career, and you're withdrawing. When you are in a friend group that you feel like you've outgrown and you're kind of on the outside of it, you also shrink your energy and you pull back. When what is needed in these moments is the opposite.

• 29:12Mel Robbins?

  You need to expand yourself and expand your energy and expand out of your comfort zone and expand through your stubbornness.

• 29:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:24Mel Robbins?

  And this is why this is the second thing on your checklist. Is it me or is it the situation? Are you shrinking away? Or are you in a period of expanding and pushing yourself?

• 29:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:38Mel Robbins?

  Because you had some good friends, but you kept saying, I haven't found my people. I haven't found my people. And yet, that circle of friends was not a cage. This is the thing that I think is really interesting to ask yourself too. Why would you rather be right that the situation is wrong for you? And be stubborn about it than just try?

• 30:00Speaker 01

  I think in my stubborn mindset, there was this annoyance in the fact that everybody seemed to have the answer. And that answer being, all you have to do is get your butt off the floor and go do something. And I think internally, not actually knowing this, but it just kind of annoyed me that it seemed like everybody knew what was up and what I should be doing. And so I wanted to kind of prove to them, where I was like, no, like, things aren't gonna change. And I do actually remember there were times where I would go and try something like once in a blue moon where maybe I'd show up to a club or I would go out with some friends one night and I would always come back from

• 30:42Speaker 01

  it with an even worse feeling in my gut, just being like, that was horrible. Like, I remember there was one time where I went out with my friends and immediately we get there and they're having the time of their lives. And I was like, this sucks. Like, this place sucks. I don't feel like I belong here. And so I just left and I went back home and I was like, that was horrible. And I was looking for so many reasons why it was the worst time or a club where I went, I showed up to a brand new club and I didn't know anybody and I didn't know what was going on and it felt so foreign. And so immediately I went back to my dorm and I was like, that was horrible. I'm not going to do that again. And I just wanted to, I kind of had this thing where I wanted to prove that I did try. And even in trying, it didn't work for me. And like, I was just a hopeless, a hopeless case.

• 31:26Mel Robbins?

  Well, I think that's one of the reasons why a really good piece of advice in these kinds of situations is you have to give it a year.

• 31:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, you have to, you have to keep trying at it. You can't just do it once and be like, all right, no, never again. You have to try it a few, few good times.

• 31:41Mel Robbins?

  And another great piece of advice is when you are shrinking and your energy is pulling back and judgy, you're a no.

• 31:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:53Mel Robbins?

  And when you're expansive and you're saying, all right, I'm going to give it a year. I gotta like really lean into the opportunity. I gotta be here. You're a yes.

• 32:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:03Mel Robbins?

  When you think about 18 months of being there, you showed up in January. And you stopped judging.

• 32:11Speaker 01

  I did.

• 32:11Mel Robbins?

  How did you stop judging?

• 32:14Speaker 01

  I, I came to the realization over that break that I needed to get off my high horse and stop assuming that the place I was in was going to become the place I was once at. And I just kind of showed up January 1st and I was like, all right, this is its own place. It's its own time. I can't go back to who I once was. And so I'm just going to appreciate and see who I am going to become in this new place. And I kind of operated with that mindset each day.

• 32:45Mel Robbins?

  Wow.

• 32:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:46Mel Robbins?

  And what did you start saying yes to?

• 32:49Speaker 01

  Everything. Like literally everything. So I, I rejoined the, the frisbee team that I thought wasn't similar to my old high school frisbee team. Love you guys. I started to hang out with my friends way more on the weekends. They would always be going to a house party or they'd be going out and I'd say yes, I'd go to each one. During the weeks, I'd get lunch with new people on the weekends. If it was during the day, again, new people. I'd always be trying to find new people. If I met someone cool, you know, I don't know if you guys have ever done this, but there's always those people in your life where you see them every once in a while and you're like, oh, we have to get lunch. Like, we have to get lunch or we have to go hang out. And you say it to them and you're like, all right, but I'm not actually going to text you. Like, I'm not actually going to make the first move and I'm not going to go get food or anything with you because

• 33:31Speaker 01

  that's awkward. I don't really know you. The mutuals, you know, the mutuals. And so I started actually reaching out to those mutuals and saying, hey, let's hang out.

• 33:40Mel Robbins?

  And what happened?

• 33:41Speaker 01

  Well, obviously, like, I'm going to be honest, you know, the first one or two times, they were a little awkward. You know, you're getting to know somebody. It's always not, it's never the easiest. And then it would just happen where every day I'd be like, hey, are you free? And it would just, we'd start hanging out and it would just become so natural, so easy. And that's because I kept working at it. I kept putting myself out there to try and talk to them.

• 34:01Mel Robbins?

  You know, I love this example, Oak, because it reminds me of really incredible research that this professor, Tina Selig from Stanford, came on this podcast and shared about the science of luck. And people aren't just quote, lucky. People who seem to be lucky have this particular habit. And the habit is intentionally putting yourself in the current of the things that you want. Intentionally taking small actions that help you collide with the thing that you want. And intellectually, we know that the more people you say hello to, the more people that you reach out to for lunch, the more

• 34:44Mel Robbins?

  parties you go to and you uncross your arms and you walk in and you have an attitude like, you know, my favorite person that I've ever met in my life might be in this room.

• 34:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's true.

• 34:54Mel Robbins?

  You know, they might, like you have this open mindedness that you put yourself in a position to be lucky because you're in the same room, but you have to stop comparing yourself to your old life.

• 35:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:12Mel Robbins?

  You have to be more expansive. You have to give it a year and you have to start saying yes, while you have that attitude. And then what happens? You get lucky.

• 35:21Speaker 01

  You do.

• 35:22Mel Robbins?

  What happened to you?

• 35:24Speaker 01

  I mean, over time, slowly, slowly, I started to accumulate friends that I really, really began to care about and love. And I began to slowly look around and be like, wait, this place is, this place is pretty cool. Like, I'm living near everybody who's my age and all I have to do is just walk down a few doors and see them. Like, this is awesome.

• 35:43Mel Robbins?

  Well, I think that can happen just about everywhere.

• 35:45Speaker 01

  Everywhere.

• 35:46Mel Robbins?

  Because if you're in a new job, for example, the first month, you're not going to feel like you suddenly have really good friends at work. You're probably going to like, put your head down and like, get into it. But the fact is, if all you ever do is put your head down and hope you fit in, then you're going to start to pull back and you're going to start to feel like you're on the outside of something.

• 36:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:11Mel Robbins?

  If you take this advice to heart and you really look in the mirror, if you're feeling on the outside, you could literally look up and be like, well, how many people have I asked if they want to go out for a cup of coffee or go walk around the block at lunch? Or how many times have I raised my hand to do something that isn't directly related to my job? How often am I asking my colleagues about their life? Have I scheduled any one-on-ones with people even over Zoom just to get to know people?

• 36:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:36Mel Robbins?

  And so instead of taking a posture in life of sitting back and hoping it falls out of the sky or just magically happens.

• 36:42Speaker 01

  That's, I was waiting for someone to just show up and for things to click and for it to be like, wow, like, I love this place now. I was waiting for just one person to show up, but it's, it's on you.

• 36:52Mel Robbins?

  Well, that's who you were waiting for.

• 36:54Speaker 01

  Yeah. It was waiting for me to get my butt in gear.

• 36:57Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 36:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:58Mel Robbins?

  Well, can you say more about that?

• 37:00Speaker 01

  A little while ago, you're like, what could I have said to you to inspire you to change or inspire you to do something? And I think the biggest thing that I don't think you ever said to me, but what would have gotten me to get moving was just you saying like, it's on you. Like these four years or this next chapter, however long it may be, like, if you want it to be great, then that's on you. And you can't wait for some person or some event or just something to change your mind about that. It's, it's your job to, to get up and to go and to meet these people and to do these things and to change your outlook because no one can do that for you. You have to stand up and you have to start moving forward. And once you start doing that, it'll become easier and

• 37:44Speaker 01

  it will become great. But right now you have to put the work in and you have to take that first step.

• 37:48Mel Robbins?

  And I think that's the takeaway. Ask yourself, are you actually here in the present moment, really seeing this as an opportunity? And number two is check your energy. Have you been expansive? Have you been a yes? Have you given this a year? Like, are you really putting in the effort and taking full responsibility for the way you're showing up to this chapter or this relationship or this job or this new neighborhood or this school? Because if you're not, then it's on you.

• 38:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:23Mel Robbins?

  If you have been, now we're starting to go, well, maybe it's the situation. Cause every time I asked you if you wanted to transfer, you were like, no.

• 38:31Speaker 01

  No. Yeah, I was, I was, I was confident that the school I was at is the place I should be. And I knew that the people that I wanted to be friends with were there somewhere, but I just hadn't found them yet.

• 38:43Mel Robbins?

  And you weren't doing much to make it happen?

• 38:45Speaker 01

  No.

• 38:45Mel Robbins?

  Oak?

• 38:46Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 38:47Mel Robbins?

  Time for another ad break.

• 38:48Speaker 01

  It is.

• 38:48Mel Robbins?

  It is. And so I want to take a second and just give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words. And if anybody in your life is coming to mind, as Oakley's been sharing his experiences, we're going through this checklist, just take a minute and copy and paste this link and text it to them. You don't even have to say anything. You can just say, you know, I'm thinking about you and I thought you might love this. Take a listen.

• 39:12Speaker 01

  There you go.

• 39:13Mel Robbins?

  And don't go anywhere. Why, Oak?

• 39:14Speaker 01

  Cause we'll be right back.

• 39:16Mel Robbins?

  Yes, stay with us. The next part is so important because we have two more takeaways. We'll be right back. Stay with us.

• 39:33Mel Robbins?

  Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. You and I are here with my son Oakley and we're talking about, you know, those moments in life where you're just not happy. Is it you or is it the situation? So let's move on to the next piece because this is takeaway three on our checklist. Is it me or is it the situation? Do I need to change or do I need to change the situation? And that is, are you 100% in it?

• 39:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:00Mel Robbins?

  Because it's very hard to be content and happy when you're only throwing in 40%.

• 40:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:07Mel Robbins?

  And obviously comparing where you currently are to your past means you're not 100% there. Your energy and shrinking and crossing your arms and being judgy, expecting something to be amazing within the first month or two, you're not 100% there. But there's also another thing that keeps you from being 100% there. And I like to think of this analogy that are both of your feet in the present chapter? Or do you have one foot somewhere else? While you have one foot here? And straddling two Clydesdales, running in different directions can be painful.

• 40:50Mel Robbins?

  And for you, you also

• 40:55Mel Robbins?

  were not 100% at school.

• 40:57Speaker 01

  I was not, no. I, I mentioned a little bit earlier in the episode how I had just gotten into a relationship right before I went to college. And she was in the grade below me. And so for the first year of college, I was able to kind of like commute home and see her on weekends, which made it easy for the relationship, but it obviously didn't make it easy for the place that I was in.

• 41:20Mel Robbins?

  Now, why?

• 41:22Speaker 01

  Because, you know, my, my, I thought about her 24/7. She, she's amazing and she, I always just had my mind on her and I couldn't, I just wished more than anything that we could be in the same place together. And I spent so much time just wanting to either go home or wanting her to come up to me and-

• 41:43Mel Robbins?

  Or running to your dorm room at 7:00 PM so you could have your call?

• 41:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, on a Friday or a Saturday, you know, like going late into my dorm and just kind of lock myself away from all my friends just so I could have a conversation with her. And it was in the, in the moment, you know, I, I, I would, I would tell myself that this is what I need to be doing, like this is the best thing in my life and I want to maintain that. And arguably it was. So it made sense that I could just kind of keep that up and maintain the one good thing that I still had going for me. But because of that, it really, without me knowing, of course, it caused me to shut out, shut out everything around me and everyone around me. Because on those nights where all my friends would go out to party and all those things, I had an outlet where I could stay in my dorm

• 42:27Speaker 01

  and I could call my girlfriend because it allowed me to kind of have this excuse where it's like, oh, well, I don't need to because I, I need to call my girlfriend and maintain this connection.

• 42:37Mel Robbins?

  I think it's really unfair to criticize where you are if you don't give it 100%.

• 42:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:43Mel Robbins?

  Or to blame your unhappiness on the situation you're in if you haven't given the situation your full 100%.

• 42:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:51Mel Robbins?

  And I can see in my example of when we first moved here, that I was not giving it 100%. Because like you, I would drive back to Boston a lot of weekends to see my friends, which means I was not here trying to make new ones.

• 43:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:09Mel Robbins?

  I was actively campaigning against the current situation by finding the exit.

• 43:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:18Mel Robbins?

  And that's why you have to ask yourself, am I giving it 100%? There's this famous author, Oak,

• 43:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:25Mel Robbins?

  Harville Hendrix, he wrote this like landmark bestseller, How to Get the Love You Want. And he has this phrase about being in a relationship and you need to close the exits.

• 43:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:35Mel Robbins?

  And I can see that retreating to my old life kept me from actually learning how to be happy and creating my new life.

• 43:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:49Mel Robbins?

  What do you see?

• 43:51Speaker 01

  For me or for you?

• 43:53Mel Robbins?

  Either. I'll take, I'll take your insights.

• 43:56Speaker 01

  Yeah. The relationship, while amazing, definitely hurt me and stopped me from appreciating the place that I was currently in. And because I was able to keep going back to that outlet, I, I never truly had to, to work to get out there to, to go do these things.

• 44:15Mel Robbins?

  And what's interesting is you and I are both talking about kind of physical examples, like I'm going back to Boston, you may be coming back here, you're on the phone, you're physically with somebody. But you can do this mentally. Like you can be in a relationship, like I know a couple of people right now that are in marriages and they're really not that happy. And they, you know, after a couple of glasses of wine will be like, you know, I sometimes wonder like what would have happened if I would have just, you know, stayed with my college? And I'm thinking, oh, you're mentally not 100%

• 44:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:46Mel Robbins?

  in this. And so if your energy is starting to shrink and you're starting to compare and now you're not even 100% in this, you are mentally somewhere else. In our case, we were like often physically

• 44:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:59Mel Robbins?

  in other places, then it's not really fair to judge the situation you're in.

• 45:06Speaker 01

  No.

• 45:07Mel Robbins?

  Because you haven't given a year, you haven't said yes, you haven't stepped into the reality. You're like in your mind in some fantasy, you're in the exit.

• 45:14Speaker 01

  It's true.

• 45:15Mel Robbins?

  So what changed?

• 45:17Speaker 01

  What changed is at the start of second semester, so that month of December, January, I made the choice against, you know, it's the last thing I wanted to do, but I, uh, we, my girlfriend and I decided to break up and to go full no contact. So, because we tried it freshman year when I actually first went to school and we broke up, but we would still talk to each other. So we were very much like still in it, you know? Like, we didn't like, we said we were out, but we, we were in. And trust me, like freshman year, Oak would be like, oh, it's amazing. It's the only thing I wanted. But before school started in January, we decided to end the relationship and go full no contact. So-

• 46:00Mel Robbins?

  Why was the no contact thing important?

• 46:03Speaker 01

  Because you can break up and you can stay in contact, but then I would argue that the exit is still technically there. Like you can still fall back on it and you can still go back to, again, that's what happens freshman year because freshman year we broke up and then two months in, we got right back together because the exit was still right there and I was itching to take it. And so I took it. And so when we did it a second time, I, we, we made the choice that we, we were going to burn the exit and we were going to say, if this is going to happen again, like it'll happen way down the line. And if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. But for now, we're in two different places and we need to be in those places. And so the exits were taken away. And that's why no contact is so important. And obviously it sucks at first. I can, I can agree with any of you who are in a relationship

• 46:47Speaker 01

  or are currently breaking up that no contact sucks. Because all you want to do is talk to them. But it does become a million times easier. I would also like to add that I was not amazing in the relationship. Like I was so unhappy in the place that I was that on those weekends when I would show up on a phone call or I would see her in person, like I was miserable and I was not fun to be around. And I was just not a good person to be in a relationship with to begin with. I think it's really important to say that also while I was in the relationship, I was a firm believer that I could make things work. You know, I was, I believe that everybody says like, oh, long distance isn't always the best. And it's important to be where you are.

• 47:29Speaker 01

  And I was a firm stubborn believer that I could be the 1%, like I'm different, you know, like I can rise above and I can be in this relationship and I can love this place that I'm in. And I gave that the shot and it really didn't work out. And so I, I, I knew deep down that like I had to switch it up and I had to change something and try this new thing.

• 47:55Mel Robbins?

  When you close the exits and you go back now 18 months into a place you can't stand or you're miserable, lost and you hate it.

• 48:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:02Mel Robbins?

  And you've got a brand new attitude, which is this will never be that, but I can make it something. You are now saying yes. Like what shifted almost immediately?

• 48:14Speaker 01

  Making those decisions to change the way I've been living kind of inspired me in a sense to actually like get myself out the door.

• 48:22Mel Robbins?

  What do you mean?

• 48:23Speaker 01

  Because I was like, I just broke up with my girlfriend and I am like trying to have this new mindset. And so it would be a disservice to me and everyone else to just continue living the same way I have been. If I were to have just like broken up with her and like trying to go into school with a new mindset and then continue to just sit in my dorm every day, like it would do nothing for me. And so I was like, I owe it to me and them to keep going and to try these new things.

• 48:48Mel Robbins?

  Well, that brings me to the fourth thing on the checklist.

• 48:50Speaker 01

  Here we go.

• 48:51Mel Robbins?

  If you change nothing.

• 48:53Speaker 01

  Nothing will change.

• 48:54Mel Robbins?

  Correct.

• 48:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:55Mel Robbins?

  And I love that you said it's a disservice to you.

• 48:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:00Mel Robbins?

  Because imagine a world where-

• 49:05Mel Robbins?

  You could look at any chapter you're in and say, okay, whether it feels good or not, whether it feels like I thought it would or not, that's beside the point.

• 49:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:20Mel Robbins?

  If you look at life like everything about life is for the experience, it's not for the purpose of being happy, it's not for the purpose of achieving the goal, it's not for the purpose of anything but the experience, then every chapter you're in can have something positive.

• 49:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:41Mel Robbins?

  And maybe the experience is learning that you can create new friends. Maybe the experience is learning that there's strength within you that you didn't realize. Maybe the experience for you is, Matt, wow, I'm really stubborn. And I need to like have a breakthrough in that, or I miss out on life.

• 49:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:59Mel Robbins?

  And what I love about this fourth takeaway is if you change nothing, nothing changes is it really helps you with that question, is it me or is it the situation? Because if you've changed.

• 50:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:15Mel Robbins?

  But nothing has changed about the situation, guess what? It's time to change the situation.

• 50:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:21Mel Robbins?

  It's not you.

• 50:21Speaker 01

  It's time to get out of there.

• 50:22Mel Robbins?

  It's the college, it's the job, it's the, like, I have another example. Um, you know, your oldest sister worked for a massive multinational cybersecurity tech firm. She was there for three years and it was rough. It kind of had a company culture where they worked hybrid. It was super engineering. It was very, very, very international and a lot older employee base. And so as a 20 something starting her career, she just was struggling to meet people her age, to have any kind of life with colleagues. And she poured herself 150% into it.

• 51:03Mel Robbins?

  She got promotions, she started the young professionals group at the company. She got money to be able to do, you know, stuff for the group. She got bonuses called, like, she threw 150%. And because she had never had a corporate job, she had nothing to compare it to.

• 51:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:22Mel Robbins?

  At the end of the three years, she changed everything, she still didn't like it. Guess what?

• 51:28Speaker 01

  She left.

• 51:29Mel Robbins?

  You can leave that job knowing, I have no regrets. That was the right decision.

• 51:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:34Mel Robbins?

  If you're in a relationship and you've changed and you've stopped comparing it and you've accepted the person in front of you and you've shifted your energy and you're expansive and you've done that for a year in a long-term relationship, you've gotten now all this data? Guess what? If that didn't change the situation, then it's time to change the situation you're in.

• 51:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:00Mel Robbins?

  But I think more often than not, when you go through this checklist, what you're gonna see is that you haven't changed yet.

• 52:06Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 52:08Mel Robbins?

  And if you haven't changed and nothing changes, then the situation isn't gonna change either.

• 52:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:14Mel Robbins?

  And your only power is in the changes you make. And whether it changes the situation or not, I think is irrelevant. I personally think it's irrelevant that you started loving college. The more important breakthrough here is you recognizing that at any moment that you're unhappy, you have agency to change things about how you're showing up.

• 52:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:39Mel Robbins?

  And in changing how you show up, you change, you grow, you experience yourself differently. And almost every time it changes the situation for the better. But even if what it shows you is you're in the wrong situation, that's an amazing change too.

• 52:58Speaker 01

  Yeah. I think one, one thing, looking back that I learned is that I, I'm capable of living through the discomfort of being upset and I'm capable of doing something about it or like not. I was able to live through this sadness and loneliness for a year and a half and do nothing about it. And

• 53:20Mel Robbins?

  Does that scare you?

• 53:21Speaker 01

  It really scares me because, I mean, I wonder how many people are currently doing that. But I also, I think I could have done it longer as well, which also scares me.

• 53:32Mel Robbins?

  Well, that scares the hell out of me.

• 53:33Speaker 01

  Um, and I don't know if that's a, that's a good take. I think that's a decent takeaway to have to note.

• 53:39Mel Robbins?

  Well, I don't know that it's a, it's a good thing. I think it's an important insight about yourself.

• 53:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:45Mel Robbins?

  That your tolerance for unhappiness is something that is, you have a capacity for that.

• 53:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:56Mel Robbins?

  That you, it's not that you should take it seriously. I think it's a very wise insight to say, wow, I could have been miserable for a lot longer.

• 54:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:07Mel Robbins?

  Because I became very complacent around it.

• 54:10Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 54:11Mel Robbins?

  And very like right about it.

• 54:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:15Mel Robbins?

  And that scares me, that I will allow myself to sit in misery for that long.

• 54:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:22Mel Robbins?

  Especially now that you know that you also have the ability at any point to decide that you don't want to live like that anymore.

• 54:34Speaker 01

  Yeah. That's the, that's the next takeaway is just that I'm fully capable of making that change and appreciating the place that I'm in and loving where I'm at and making those choices to see if I can, hold on, maybe I should say like using the checklist.

• 54:50Mel Robbins?

  Sure, you can do whatever you want. Well, now that you have it, you didn't have it then.

• 54:53Speaker 01

  I did not have the checklist, it's true. Yeah, like now I know that if I find myself in a similar situation, I can use the checklist and I can.

• 55:03Mel Robbins?

  What would you ask yourself? Because you'll find, you're gonna have this happen to you again.

• 55:08Speaker 01

  I will, yeah.

• 55:08Mel Robbins?

  When you leave college, because now you love it.

• 55:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know.

• 55:12Mel Robbins?

  And then you're gonna find yourself adulting in your twenties and your friends are gonna scatter. And then you're gonna have another one of these periods.

• 55:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:19Mel Robbins?

  And so, and you'll have another one of these periods if you go through a breakup.

• 55:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:23Mel Robbins?

  And then you're in the period where you're single again. And it's scary to like take a risk. And you might have this feeling again if you move somewhere, you know, after college and you're like, did I go to the right city? Like, life is full of chapters that feel good and that feel terrible. And we can't control that, but you can develop this skill of really navigating change, because change always is uncomfortable.

• 55:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 55:59Mel Robbins?

  One question I want to ask you is when you went back to school after 18 months and you've closed the exits and you

• 56:08Speaker 01

  This is before things started to get good and this, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 56:10Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, because you don't just like shift your attitude and you're like, okay.

• 56:14Speaker 01

  It's true.

• 56:14Mel Robbins?

  You know, somewhere in the 8,000 students here is my most favorite person that I haven't, that I've ever met in my whole life. I'm gonna find him today, like you don't just like spring out of bed.

• 56:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:26Mel Robbins?

  How hard was it?

• 56:28Speaker 01

  It was hard.

• 56:29Mel Robbins?

  Describe, what does that mean?

• 56:31Speaker 01

  I remember how I was feeling when I was first coming back and I had two prominent emotions. And the first one was fear. It's very scared, you know, I didn't have my outlets anymore and I was going in all alone. And then the second one was excitement though, because I had this 18 months of hardship. And I was like, if things are ever gonna get better, like now's the time. And I was excited for the, the, the idea that things were probably going to get better. And they were definitely gonna get better. And so first few weeks, they were tricky, you know? I was freshly out of a relationship, you guys know how that goes, you know, it's, it's hard. It's really hard. Um.

• 57:16Mel Robbins?

  Well, because you're unlearning life with another person.

• 57:19Speaker 01

  You're unlearning life and it's so difficult.

• 57:22Mel Robbins?

  You know what I found hard?

• 57:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:25Mel Robbins?

  Is that when I finally stopped comparing life here to life where I'd lived for 26 years. And when I really started saying yes to everything. And when I like checked my energy and I was expansive, there's this period where you are letting go.

• 57:52Mel Robbins?

  Of what was?

• 57:54Speaker 01

  It's sad.

• 57:55Mel Robbins?

  It's like, it's almost like this grief.

• 57:57Speaker 01

  There's a grief in it to finally come to terms and accept the fact that

• 58:01Mel Robbins?

  This is where you are now.

• 58:02Speaker 01

  This is where you are now and that you can't, you can't go back. And it's sad and it's scary, but it's also beautiful in a way because you're about to create this new wonderful chapter.

• 58:18Mel Robbins?

  I think sometimes the reason why we don't see the full opportunity

• 58:27Mel Robbins?

  of the new chapter is we're not ready to say goodbye to the old one.

• 58:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:33Mel Robbins?

  You know, Oak, I, I wonder, was there a moment where you all of a sudden realized, wait, I'm really happy?

• 58:45Speaker 01

  Yeah. There, there is one specific moment and it was just like a normal school day, you know, I went to class and I got lunch with some, some friends that I would consider like close friends now at that point. And we were just going about our days and then come the end of the day, there was a sports practice and then after that, a friend and I, uh, we decided to jump in the car and go get food and we came back and we just parked on campus and we sat in my car in like the pouring rain for four hours and we just talked about our lives and we really like, we really got to know each other. And just like in that moment, I was like, oh my God, this, I remember looking around and listening to the rain just being like, this is amazing. Like I'm so, I'm like happy, like I'm so happy.

• 59:31Speaker 01

  And it was just like the first 18 months of college, all I wanted was like a super close guy friend that I just could talk about anything with and like have these like super cool moments with and like that was it. And I had that where I was just like, oh my God, like this, I did it. Like I, I got this. Like this is incredible. And then from that point on, like every day was just like, ah, this is great. Like I have these people and like I, I have all these friends and like this, I feel valued and it's just, this is incredible.

• 1:00:00Mel Robbins?

  It does take time.

• 1:00:01Speaker 01

  It takes time.

• 1:00:02Mel Robbins?

  And that's why I think if you lower expectations and you stop comparing and you expand your energy and you say yes, and you close the exits and you really just be where your feet are in this chapter, you'll be shocked by what can happen in a year.

• 1:00:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:19Mel Robbins?

  That some of the most favorite people that you have ever met in your life, you can meet in a town where there are more cows than people.

• 1:00:28Mel Robbins?

  And you can surprise yourself by how you can be content and happy in the chapter that you're in, even if it's not the same as some of the chapters in your past where you were wildly happy. And I think that's a beautiful thing to know that any time in life where you're questioning, is it me? Or is it the situation? What I know for sure is that if you change nothing, nothing changes.

• 1:01:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:01Mel Robbins?

  And if you change the one thing that you can, which is you, your attitude, your energy, your actions, your mindset, everything changes. And I also love this list because if you're really questioning whether or not you are at the wrong job, or this relationship has run its course, or it is time for a change and you are questioning, should I move? Should I not move? Should I change? You can go through this list and if you go check, nope, I'm not comparing, check, uh, yes, I'm bringing energy, check, yes, I'm putting in a hundred percent, check, yes, I've changed to try to change how this feels and nothing's changed.

• 1:01:45Mel Robbins?

  I want you to know, it is time to make the decision and change.

• 1:01:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:49Mel Robbins?

  And you should feel good about it because you did everything you could to make it work. And now it's time for something different. You know, C.S. Lewis said, "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."

• 1:02:05Mel Robbins?

  It's true. Especially when you realize you have the power to make the things ahead far, far better than any that you're leaving behind. So go show up to your life and to this chapter. Use this checklist and I promise you, things will change. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you as your friend that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And you know what, Oak? I love you too.

• 1:02:37Speaker 01

  I love you, Mom.

• 1:02:38Mel Robbins?

  And I believe in your ability to create a better life, no matter what chapter it is that you are in.

• 1:02:46Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 1:02:46Mel Robbins?

  Thank you. And thank you. I hope you use this checklist to make decisions. I hope you use this checklist to lean into the chapter that you're in and I am certain that if you do, your life will get better. Alrighty, I'll see you in the very next episode. I'll welcome you in the moment you hit play.

• 1:03:08Mel Robbins?

  Nervous? I can tell you're nervous.

• 1:03:11Speaker 01

  I'm nervous, man. You're not nervous.

• 1:03:14Mel Robbins?

  Why would I be nervous? Get your, get your mouth up to the mic.

• 1:03:17Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:03:18Mel Robbins?

  Hold on.

• 1:03:18Speaker 01

  Well, they said we can't talk yet.

• 1:03:20Mel Robbins?

  Okay, tell me when you guys are ready.

• 1:03:24Mel Robbins?

  Oh, we're rolling. Okay.

• 1:03:25Speaker 01

  We're rolling. Um, all right, let me, let me get my thoughts together really quickly before I like word vomit everywhere.

• 1:03:32Mel Robbins?

  You can word vomit, let it around it. Great, okay. This is so, I, I mean, I think this is great, but I'm also your mother.

• 1:03:38Speaker 01

  Okay, I don't know if this, I don't know, I'm, I'm just gonna like speak. I don't know if this is a good takeaway, but like I

• 1:03:44Mel Robbins?

  Oh.

• 1:03:45Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:46Mel Robbins?

  Okay, great. Okay, okay, okay, great. Great question.

• 1:03:59Mel Robbins?

  Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.