Jordan Jensen Returns!

Breakout comedian Jordan Jensen sits down with Andrew Santino for a raw, hilarious deep-dive on bombing better, ADHD spirals, “failing at femininity,” and turning uncomfortable truths into monster laughs. We get into writing discipline, club wars, boundaries, and the wild path that led to her debut Netflix hour JORDAN JENSEN: TAKE ME WITH YOU. If you’ve ever tried to turn chaos into clarity, this one’s for you. Jordan talks craft, confidence, and why honesty is the only way out. Clip it, share it, and send it to the friend who needs a laugh today. FOLLOW JORDAN JENSEN • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ • YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@jordanjensenlolstop • Site / tour dates: https://www.jordanjensencomedy.com/ FOLLOW SANTINO & THE SHOW • Santino IG: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ • Show IG: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast #WhiskeyGinger #JordanJensen #TakeMeWithYou #NetflixSpecial #NetflixIsAJoke #AndrewSantino #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #ComedyClips #PodcastClips ===================================================== Sponsor Whiskey Ginger: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/whiskeyginger SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS ROCKET RX VISIT ROCKET RX NOW AND USE PROMO CODE: WHISKEY30 GET 30% OFF YOUR FIRST ORDER https://rocketrx.com ===================================================== Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast https://twitter.com/whiskeygingerpodcast Produced and edited by Joe Faria https://www.instagram.com/itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

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• 0:57Andrew Santino?

  What up whiskey, ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. It's your first time joining the show, welcome to the show. We got a good one for you today, and it is a great day, because my special is out today. White Noise, available on Hulu. Check it out, please. Go check out White Noise on Hulu. Spread the word, tell everyone you know, appreciate it. And also, I'm on tour. Halloween weekend, I'm going to San Francisco, The Punchline, then I'm gonna be at the Brea Improv, the Tempe Improv, which I've never played. ASU, I'm coming home. I'm at the Horseshoe Casino in Hammond, Indiana, November 22nd. Then I'm at Hanover, Maryland, at the Hall at Live, the Borgata in January as well. The Harris Valley Center, which is basically San Diego, end of January.

• 1:42Andrew Santino?

  Then we're adding, Vegas is coming up soon, and a few more dates. But go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets. Andrew Santino.com. Please enjoy the special, White Noise on Hulu.

• 1:51Speaker 03

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

• 1:56Speaker 04

  You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy ginger. Like peppers, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey, $75 for the horse. Ginger, oh hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger, I like gingers.

• 2:15Andrew Santino?

  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Diner. My guest today is one of my favorite people on the set from my guest meeting once again today is Jordan Jen Jen Jen Jen Jen Sern. As Coyote rolls.

• 2:23Speaker 05

  Let her get that scratch.

• 2:24Andrew Santino?

  Dude, I like when they roll down there. I like when dogs roll like that.

• 2:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's nice.

• 2:27Andrew Santino?

  Don't you love that?

• 2:28Speaker 05

  I mean, I think it's made to make us happy.

• 2:30Andrew Santino?

  That's one of my favorite things.

• 2:31Speaker 05

  You know why we like it? Is because they go like this.

• 2:34Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 2:34Speaker 05

  I think it's this motion.

• 2:36Andrew Santino?

  It's like the Sphinx. They Sphinx for a little while.

• 2:37Speaker 05

  That does it. I think if she was like this, you wouldn't think it was so cool, but the tight in hands is really...

• 2:42Andrew Santino?

  You know why they do that, right?

• 2:43Speaker 05

  Getting their back scratched?

• 2:45Andrew Santino?

  No, he can tell you, well, this might be back scratched, but outside when they nose roll, it's because it's like, uh, down, passed down from wolves, that they like smell another scent, they're trying to leave their scent on top of that scent. Wolves used to head roll like that, right?

• 3:00Speaker 05

  But why? That doesn't explain...

• 3:01Andrew Santino?

  That's exactly why. Get rid of unwanted scents to mark their territory.

• 3:04Speaker 05

  So they go, "This is my dead fish?"

• 3:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they'll leave their scent, because their piss scent is different than their body scent, so they'll leave their head scent somewhere to let the other wolves know, like, "This is where we roll, dog. Back up." And dogs still have...

• 3:19Speaker 05

  Really?

• 3:19Andrew Santino?

  ...kept that trait. Isn't that crazy? They kept that trait, like, for hundreds of years. We've domesticated these wolves and made them ours and manipulated their genetics and DNA. For anybody that's not into, um...

• 3:32Speaker 05

  That shit?

• 3:33Andrew Santino?

  That shit? They wrong.

• 3:34Speaker 05

  They wrong.

• 3:35Andrew Santino?

  They wrong.

• 3:35Speaker 05

  I totally agree.

• 3:36Andrew Santino?

  Coyote get, go, go off.

• 3:38Speaker 05

  I like the, I've always liked floppy-eared dogs, but having a pointy-eared dog, I realize they are closer to wolves.

• 3:44Andrew Santino?

  That's much more a wolf than a, than a dog. That's wolf dog.

• 3:47Speaker 05

  The pointy-eared, no way are you gonna start whining. We're not gonna give you stuff.

• 3:50Andrew Santino?

  She gained some weight.

• 3:51Speaker 05

  She's a little chubby.

• 3:51Andrew Santino?

  And you got skinny. You brought your trainer with you. Everyone at home needs to know.

• 3:54Speaker 05

  You think she's fat? You think she's a little fat? Should we be honest?

• 3:56Andrew Santino?

  She's a little fat.

• 3:56Speaker 05

  Coyote, look at me?

• 3:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, fatty.

• 3:58Speaker 05

  Oh, wow.

• 3:58Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no. She's, no, she's thick.

• 4:00Speaker 05

  Is she thick? I actually need to know. I need to be told this.

• 4:02Andrew Santino?

  She's like Atlanta. She looks like Atlanta.

• 4:04Speaker 05

  Come here.

• 4:04Andrew Santino?

  This little thick girl.

• 4:05Speaker 05

  Let me see your ass.

• 4:06Andrew Santino?

  No, she looks good. And she's perched really well. But, uh, Jordan brought her trainer with her just to show off that Talk about, you're more LA than me. You brought your fucking trainer, dude.

• 4:15Speaker 05

  Dog and trainer, bro.

• 4:16Andrew Santino?

  That's insane, dude. You belong here.

• 4:17Speaker 05

  Whitney was like, "You can stay at my house." And I was like, "By the way, I have my dog and trainer." And she was like, "Yeah, no. What? Why didn't you tell me that?"

• 4:23Andrew Santino?

  Move to LA. You're LA, man.

• 4:24Speaker 05

  Dude, that's the thing about being here. Nobody's mad at me. Nobody's upset with me. I go into Erawan and I'm like, "Can I have the second salmon in?" And I'm holding a dog. And in New York, they're like, "Fuck you, you fucking bitch." Here, they're like, "100%. You want the salmon, you get the salmon."

• 4:38Andrew Santino?

  Move here. There's nothing wrong with that. We like dogs. We like trainers.

• 4:41Speaker 05

  There is a scrappier quality here that I like. Like, a Toyota truck is good here.

• 4:47Andrew Santino?

  Thumbs up. What's wrong? That's bad in New York?

• 4:49Speaker 05

  It's just not feasible at all.

• 4:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you can't park it anywhere?

• 4:53Speaker 05

  And when I used to have my truck in New York, people would be like, "Piece of junk." And I'd be like, "This is a Toyota." If you knew, if you were Mexican, Mexicans were stopping me all the time, being like, "Please can I have it? I wanna take it home."

• 5:03Andrew Santino?

  Hey, man.

• 5:04Speaker 05

  Like, 19 of my buddies were feeding them back. I would pull up to Home Depot with that thing. They pile it.

• 5:10Andrew Santino?

  Hey, if you weren't gay, I would have sex with you. Like, I'm not gay. Like, that's what you say.

• 5:15Speaker 05

  If you were a woman, I would have sex with you, but you had that big cock.

• 5:18Andrew Santino?

  That guy is cool. I like that guy and his dog. Your dog is goo.

• 5:22Speaker 05

  You want me to take your harness off? Come here.

• 5:23Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, get that fucking harness off the dog. So you brought your trainer, who's, who is...

• 5:28Speaker 05

  You think she's fat?

• 5:29Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, she's a little chubby.

• 5:30Speaker 05

  Fuck.

• 5:30Andrew Santino?

  So, hey, you have a special.

• 5:32Speaker 05

  It just dropped. People are just loving it.

• 5:35Andrew Santino?

  Losing their minds.

• 5:36Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 5:36Andrew Santino?

  And it's called...

• 5:37Speaker 05

  Take Me With You.

• 5:38Andrew Santino?

  Take Me With You, which is a, uh, a love letter to, uh, her brother.

• 5:44Speaker 05

  It's a reference to me saying, when somebody breaks up with me, I'm like, "Yeah, what were you doing here to begin with? Take me with you." You know, like, "Get me out of here."

• 5:51Andrew Santino?

  Why is that so sad?

• 5:53Speaker 05

  It's a sad, it's a sad thing.

• 5:55Andrew Santino?

  But it's, where'd you shoot it?

• 5:57Speaker 05

  Gramercy.

• 5:58Andrew Santino?

  The Gramercy in New York?

• 5:59Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 5:59Andrew Santino?

  How fun was that?

• 6:01Speaker 05

  It was ve- to be honest, I had a guardian angel, which was Stavros Halkeis. So the first hour, I walked out and there was like a crane in my face and there were cameras. And me and the audience were both like, "Yo, this is crazy." So the first hour was like, kind of slow and scary. And I got offstage and I was like, "Bro, I wasn't in the pocket. I didn't feel manic." And Stavros just appeared, didn't invite him, no idea where he came from, just emerged and was like, First show's always like that. The second one rips. And I was like, "Really?" And he was like, "100%. The first show, you have to get your bearings." And then the second show, ripped.

• 6:35Andrew Santino?

  That's great.

• 6:36Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 6:36Andrew Santino?

  And no, did you still use the crane?

• 6:38Speaker 05

  I use the crane. I was used to the crane though.

• 6:40Andrew Santino?

  Hate those things.

• 6:41Speaker 05

  Why? Cause they're weird?

• 6:42Andrew Santino?

  Who needs them?

• 6:43Speaker 05

  I don't know what they do.

• 6:45Speaker 05

  It's so hard not to focus on them.

• 6:47Andrew Santino?

  Weird, sweepy shots. Like, why do I have that?

• 6:48Speaker 05

  There were so many people-

• 6:49Andrew Santino?

  Who at home is gonna be like, "Where's the crane shot?" In the middle of the jokes.

• 6:53Speaker 05

  But I don't know which shot is- what I don't like is the far shot where they show everything. I'm like, "When would I ever?" I- I was like, "Keep it here."

• 6:59Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 7:00Speaker 05

  The whole time, like as tight as possible.

• 7:02Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. In the future, we're all gonna learn. It's just keep us in a box the whole fucking time. We're trying to- we're trying to do too much.

• 7:07Speaker 05

  Too much? That's why I said, I was like, "Just zoom it in till it's like uncomfortably close to my face."

• 7:11Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 7:11Speaker 05

  That's why clips work, is because we're monkeys looking at monkeys and we're like, "Yeah, monkey."

• 7:17Andrew Santino?

  No, I'm sorry, Coyote. I know, you're tripping.

• 7:19Speaker 05

  Gimme.

• 7:20Andrew Santino?

  Get up there.

• 7:20Speaker 05

  Gimme. Show the world your butt.

• 7:23Andrew Santino?

  But go watch it right now. Take Me With You Right Now is available on Netflix. Uh, available streaming all over the globe on Netflix. Global.

• 7:29Speaker 05

  I don't think it's global.

• 7:31Andrew Santino?

  What do you mean? Netflix is global.

• 7:33Speaker 05

  I know, but I think that that's not how it works.

• 7:35Andrew Santino?

  Oh, they restricted you to US?

• 7:36Speaker 05

  Oh, I don't know.

• 7:37Andrew Santino?

  Well, how do you- what do you mean? It's- you don't know how it works. It's global, unless it's not.

• 7:41Speaker 05

  I thought it was like you had to- I don't know. Somebody was like, "You can do all the special jokes when you go to Europe." And I was like, "So they're not gonna see it?"

• 7:47Andrew Santino?

  I've never heard of that before. I thought Netflix, if you're on there, you're all over the place. It's available in 190 countries worldwide. Yeah.

• 7:53Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 7:53Andrew Santino?

  What are you talking about? Are you feeling okay right now, even though you're-

• 7:56Speaker 05

  I feel so good.

• 7:57Andrew Santino?

  You're good?

• 7:58Speaker 05

  I'm a little overwhelmed by the amount of podcasting.

• 8:00Andrew Santino?

  You're doing too much.

• 8:01Speaker 05

  I'm doing too much, for sure.

• 8:02Andrew Santino?

  But you gotta promote the special.

• 8:03Speaker 05

  You gotta promote the special.

• 8:04Andrew Santino?

  Also, you gotta get- you know, you gotta bring your trainer around, cause you gotta get back in good shape. And she's out there TikToking.

• 8:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 8:11Andrew Santino?

  You gotta bring her around. You're single again.

• 8:14Speaker 05

  I'm single again. Breakup.

• 8:16Andrew Santino?

  Put it out to the world.

• 8:17Speaker 05

  Breakup number nine.

• 8:18Andrew Santino?

  Breakup number four or five?

• 8:19Speaker 05

  Nine.

• 8:19Andrew Santino?

  Nine.

• 8:20Speaker 05

  Or 12. It's been a lot.

• 8:21Andrew Santino?

  How many with this person?

• 8:23Speaker 05

  That's how many. Yeah. Probably- I- probably big breakups, we've probably gone through, like where we actually break up for like five months is like- It's a lot.

• 8:31Andrew Santino?

  What do you do? You run to the apps? How do you get your release?

• 8:34Speaker 05

  I don't run to the apps. I used to run to the apps, but now I'm not. Now I'm like, I wanna go, I wanna be, I don't want anybody.

• 8:41Andrew Santino?

  Do you bone an old friend?

• 8:43Speaker 05

  Always.

• 8:43Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I bone an old friend, yeah.

• 8:44Speaker 05

  I don't wanna bone the old friend because it triggers the shit out of me. Every time I fuck an old friend, it's, it makes me be like, I don't want, I've already, it feels like I'm backtracking because I know this, and then I feel like I'm in that part of my life, you know what I mean? It's like if you go into like a, it's like if I ate a Lunchable, it would remind me of being 10 years old, being molested on a playground, you know what I mean? Like, I'd be like, this is too much. So when I fuck a past person, I'm like, oh no, I'm, I'm going backwards.

• 9:09Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you're going backwards. What about, uh, what about if it's a brand new friend? You make a new friend, you go, look dude, I'm just trying to bang.

• 9:16Speaker 05

  I don't have that. I don't have that.

• 9:18Andrew Santino?

  No new friends?

• 9:18Speaker 05

  No, I don't have the horny thing.

• 9:20Andrew Santino?

  Oh, for when you break up? No, I just mean it's like a thing to do when you break up because you want some sort of separation from the old thing.

• 9:25Speaker 05

  But the cleansing of the cock?

• 9:27Andrew Santino?

  Cock cleansing you don't like?

• 9:28Speaker 05

  Whenever I cock cleanse, it is so, it's such a horrific experience because it's not coming from actual horniness.

• 9:36Andrew Santino?

  Someone you enjoy, too.

• 9:37Speaker 05

  So it's just like, just...

• 9:38Andrew Santino?

  Do it!

• 9:39Speaker 05

  Pump it in, pump for oil, it'll wet its own whistle, it'll get there, you know what I mean? And then I'm just afterwards, I'm like, okay, now go, and like, ew, you're a stranger.

• 9:48Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 9:48Speaker 05

  And my sheets.

• 9:49Andrew Santino?

  Gross.

• 9:50Speaker 05

  So I know, I don't do that anymore.

• 9:51Andrew Santino?

  That's why gay guys got it right. Grinder is great, you can pick what you need. You pick what you need. I remember my buddy Steven told me, he was like coming to set late, and he was like, oh, I just had to go smash one out with some guy real fast. I was like, what?

• 10:04Speaker 05

  That's just masturbation with another person. Why not just jerk off?

• 10:07Andrew Santino?

  Nah, but it's more fun with a friend. I'm sure, I'm sure it's great.

• 10:11Speaker 05

  I don't know. I think you have been married too long. I think if you were single, you would see. Here's what happens. If I have you over to my house and you're a friend, we have to talk.

• 10:20Andrew Santino?

  I don't wanna talk to you.

• 10:22Speaker 05

  I know, we have to talk. I have to offer you water, and then we have to pivot into the sex mode, which is psychotic.

• 10:29Andrew Santino?

  What if you just say, let's bang, and you don't get even?

• 10:31Speaker 05

  You still have to like, even like unbuttoning your pants is crazy with a person that you're not that familiar with.

• 10:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's a little gross. It's weird.

• 10:38Speaker 05

  And you're like, okay, mount me.

• 10:41Andrew Santino?

  Do it!

• 10:41Speaker 05

  It's nuts.

• 10:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that is a little strange. So be free for a little while, be single. Don't date.

• 10:46Speaker 05

  I wanna not date for a while.

• 10:48Andrew Santino?

  This'll last about a month.

• 10:50Speaker 05

  I don't like dating. Every time I go on a date, they do weird things, like wear little pointy-toed boots or something. I hate those.

• 10:57Andrew Santino?

  You judge the shoes. Shoes are a big deal.

• 10:58Speaker 05

  Shoes are really rough.

• 11:00Andrew Santino?

  Shoes are a big deal. What shoes are no-go on a date?

• 11:02Speaker 05

  Pointy-toed boots. I'm gonna even say the little lace-up boots.

• 11:06Andrew Santino?

  You don't like that? I'm gonna give you shoes, you tell me if it's okay with you.

• 11:10Speaker 05

  Okay, okay.

• 11:11Andrew Santino?

  On a date. Birkenstocks.

• 11:15Speaker 05

  Depends on, if we're in LA, yes. Yeah, if it's a sock Birkenstock, I am actually okay with it. In fact, it could be ideal.

• 11:21Andrew Santino?

  All right, reef sandals.

• 11:23Speaker 05

  What's that?

• 11:23Andrew Santino?

  Reefs, you know, like, uh, reefs, reefs are the thong-toed sandals, you know?

• 11:27Speaker 05

  Unacceptable. Never, I'll kill you.

• 11:29Andrew Santino?

  Like a frat guy. That's a no-go.

• 11:31Speaker 05

  It's, I don't wanna ever see a man be made into a woman by having a little thong.

• 11:36Andrew Santino?

  The thong in the toe is disgusting.

• 11:37Speaker 05

  I don't like that. It's too feminine to me.

• 11:39Andrew Santino?

  It is. What about, um, what about Crocs?

• 11:42Speaker 05

  Fine.

• 11:43Andrew Santino?

  It's a bold move, but it's, it might be cool.

• 11:44Speaker 05

  Yeah, the bold is okay. Birks and Crocs are kinda bold, which, which means you're casual, you don't like me that much.

• 11:49Andrew Santino?

  Well, house slippers.

• 11:51Speaker 05

  I kind of am okay with that.

• 11:52Andrew Santino?

  On a date, I like you.

• 11:54Speaker 05

  You know what I mean? It's like, even slides, I don't wanna see your toes, but if you have socks and slippers.

• 11:58Andrew Santino?

  Slides and socks, fine. Uh, Doc Martens?

• 12:02Speaker 05

  Nah.

• 12:03Andrew Santino?

  You don't like them?

• 12:04Speaker 05

  I'm not really into, I am a, a punky, but I don't like the punky.

• 12:08Andrew Santino?

  They're not punky. They're not punky. But Doc Martens, Doc Martens has a store right down the street. It's next to like a, uh, Tender Greens. It's not, it's just... The Doc Martens isn't punky.

• 12:16Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 12:17Andrew Santino?

  It's, it's like Target now.

• 12:18Speaker 05

  But I'm not into like vans either. Like, I'm not into...

• 12:21Andrew Santino?

  Ah, see, here's where you're wrong. Vans are, vans are chill. That's a west coast staple.

• 12:24Speaker 05

  The little vans?

• 12:25Andrew Santino?

  It's a west coast staple.

• 12:26Speaker 05

  Do you know what I'm talking about? The ones that make your boy's feet look tiny?

• 12:29Andrew Santino?

  Little vans? What are little vans?

• 12:30Speaker 05

  Little vans, no sock?

• 12:31Andrew Santino?

  Oh, you're talking about like the lace-up, the old, I'm talking about the no laces vans, slip-on vans.

• 12:36Speaker 05

  Slides?

• 12:36Andrew Santino?

  Slip-on vans. No, they're slip-ons, not slides.

• 12:38Speaker 05

  That's, that's tough for me.

• 12:40Andrew Santino?

  It's a cool move. Guys do it here all the time. You're on the west coast, dude. That's a thing out here.

• 12:43Speaker 05

  Checkered?

• 12:44Andrew Santino?

  No checkered.

• 12:46Speaker 05

  What color? Black one?

• 12:47Andrew Santino?

  Blue, black, standard colors.

• 12:50Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 12:51Andrew Santino?

  Okay.

• 12:52Speaker 05

  I mean, now I might be okay with it, now that you gave it the okay, but I think before I might have been like...

• 12:55Andrew Santino?

  With jeans, it looks good. Well, if you got big feet, they look big. Military boots?

• 13:00Andrew Santino?

  You're out on that.

• 13:01Speaker 05

  It's gay.

• 13:02Andrew Santino?

  Is that gay?

• 13:03Speaker 05

  Military lace, it's hot on a woman, but on a man, it's like.

• 13:07Andrew Santino?

  You can do that, you can do that. You can literally say it's gay to everything everybody does.

• 13:11Speaker 05

  A man lacing up their boots like this is gay.

• 13:14Andrew Santino?

  It's gay.

• 13:14Speaker 05

  Being like, mm, is gay. And he has to do that. He's not like, yeah, the only thing that can be laced up on a man is hockey skates.

• 13:23Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 13:25Speaker 05

  Because even sneakers should be loose laced.

• 13:26Andrew Santino?

  But if somebody else laces up your skates, is that gay?

• 13:29Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 13:29Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you gotta do them yourself.

• 13:31Speaker 05

  Of course.

• 13:31Andrew Santino?

  So lacing up, anything cross lacing over and over for a man is gay.

• 13:35Speaker 05

  Ooh, yeah.

• 13:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's kinda hot, though.

• 13:37Speaker 05

  If it's like Frankenfurter from Rocky Horror Picture Show, so hot.

• 13:40Andrew Santino?

  Then it's hot, right. And then it goes back.

• 13:42Speaker 05

  So hot.

• 13:42Andrew Santino?

  Everything guys, everything straight guys do is gay. I mean, everything can be, you can find a way to say gay to literally everything. I put on a pimple patch this morning.

• 13:50Speaker 05

  That's not gay.

• 13:52Andrew Santino?

  Very gay.

• 13:52Speaker 05

  No, because it's your job to be on screen.

• 13:55Andrew Santino?

  No, but it's not my job. This is not a job.

• 13:57Speaker 05

  I don't like when you guys shave your, the top of your pubes.

• 14:00Andrew Santino?

  Top of my pubes, you mean like the base on my?

• 14:02Speaker 05

  I don't like that.

• 14:03Andrew Santino?

  Who shaves? I don't know, nobody shaves. You mean, clean shaven?

• 14:05Speaker 05

  I don't like the buzz even.

• 14:07Andrew Santino?

  Oh, the buzz you need a little bit sometimes. If you need to clean up. If it gets too unruly, it's insane.

• 14:11Speaker 05

  I think I like the unruly.

• 14:13Andrew Santino?

  Like, do you keep the hair in here on your, on your thighs? The inner thigh hair?

• 14:16Speaker 05

  I don't get thigh hair, but.

• 14:17Andrew Santino?

  But you know women that do. You see, this is a lot, this is a thing. It is hot.

• 14:22Speaker 05

  I don't like the beard of Labia Beard.

• 14:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 14:25Speaker 05

  But I don't mind the thigh hair. Like, when it's a thick European woman.

• 14:29Andrew Santino?

  Thigh hair is kinda hot.

• 14:29Speaker 05

  It is, right? It's the armpit hair thing.

• 14:31Andrew Santino?

  But I'm of a generation, I think hairy bush is rad.

• 14:34Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 14:34Andrew Santino?

  Like, I think shavy is like, uh-oh, weird.

• 14:37Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 14:37Andrew Santino?

  I don't like clean shavy. That is strange to me. That's very strange to me.

• 14:40Speaker 05

  Well, I have this whole thing I'm talking about on stage now about how everybody's against the Epstein, but now every woman is trying to look like a 12-year-old, which is crazy. Who, me? They're all, I mean, even the, even the, the vapes that are like fucking breast milk flavored and the fucking.

• 14:54Andrew Santino?

  Breast milk flavored vapes, that's a thing?

• 14:55Speaker 05

  I mean, not really, but mango, tango, chimy, baby.

• 15:00Speaker 05

  That's a baby.

• 15:00Andrew Santino?

  It's a baby.

• 15:01Speaker 05

  And women are dressing like Bratz dolls and the keychains and shit, Giga Pets are back. The retro thing is pedophilia.

• 15:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it is gross.

• 15:08Speaker 05

  You gotta chill. Yeah, it's crazy.

• 15:09Andrew Santino?

  It's gotten really gross. Well, what I do think is the trends are. The trends are some of the worst trends that we had. I was like, why are they bringing back the shitty trends? Not like the rad trends.

• 15:19Speaker 05

  Well, some, we have some rad trends, but it's for boys.

• 15:22Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, we only get the cool, you guys aren't getting any of the cool ones.

• 15:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 15:24Andrew Santino?

  Although I saw a girl today, this morning, after physical therapy, and she had on huge platform slides. You know those, you know what I'm talking about.

• 15:32Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 15:33Andrew Santino?

  Like there were slot, girl, girl, a strap, and they're huge chunky platformies. And they were very much high school, and I thought, that's so rad, those are back. I loved those in high school.

• 15:42Speaker 05

  But that, but now that and a 45-year-old, though, is kind of unacceptable.

• 15:45Andrew Santino?

  No, it's fun again, it's funny. Let her live. What, older women can't have fun anymore because they're 45? I'm 45.

• 15:51Speaker 05

  Will you shut the door, Sid, so she? I can shut it. Okay, great.

• 15:54Andrew Santino?

  No, no, Sid will do it. She, look at that. Where's the harness? It's right here. Do we need the harness?

• 16:00Speaker 05

  What does she want?

• 16:02Andrew Santino?

  Take her for a walk. I like it. Bad throw.

• 16:04Speaker 05

  You're the best.

• 16:05Andrew Santino?

  God, you guys think people are gonna watch the WNBA after that?

• 16:09Andrew Santino?

  Let me tell you something.

• 16:09Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 16:10Andrew Santino?

  Throw the dildos, keep throwing the green dildos.

• 16:12Speaker 05

  What is the green dildo thing? What happened?

• 16:15Andrew Santino?

  Some guy threw a green dildo on the court at the WNBA game, and it caught, and then people started trying to do it. They've only, only two people have done it, right? It didn't happen a lot, but it became a thing. Someone threw dildos, and then they acknowledged it, which the players should have never done. They were like, stop throwing dildos. You're like, don't do that. Now they're gonna throw more dildos. If you ignore it, it goes away.

• 16:33Speaker 05

  They threw a dildo in the middle of a play?

• 16:35Andrew Santino?

  It was, it was like during a timeout, right? Yeah, something like that. But this is, you know, this is not new, throwing stuff. This is new to America. In Europe, they throw stuff all the time.

• 16:43Speaker 05

  Really?

• 16:44Andrew Santino?

  Do you know what they do at soccer games in certain parts of the, of the world?

• 16:46Speaker 05

  No.

• 16:47Andrew Santino?

  This is insane.

• 16:48Speaker 05

  Throw heads?

• 16:49Andrew Santino?

  They throw bananas at black soccer players.

• 16:52Speaker 05

  Oh my God!

• 16:53Andrew Santino?

  This is a real thing. This is a very real thing that happens.

• 16:56Speaker 05

  Still?

• 16:56Andrew Santino?

  It does not happen as much now, but it did for a long time.

• 17:00Speaker 05

  Has there already been a black soccer player that was just like, thanks?

• 17:02Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, starving. Good potassium.

• 17:04Speaker 05

  Great.

• 17:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, no, it's insane. The last time it happened was not too long ago. 2022. 2022, they threw bananas on the field.

• 17:11Speaker 05

  At Brazil players.

• 17:12Andrew Santino?

  At Brazil players. This still happens around the world, but we don't hear any of this shit because like in America, we don't give a fuck about other sports except for American sports.

• 17:21Speaker 05

  Well, I went to a Yankees game.

• 17:22Andrew Santino?

  That's an American sport.

• 17:23Speaker 05

  There was a little racism being thrown around.

• 17:25Andrew Santino?

  A little bit of racism?

• 17:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, with the Boston guy in front of us, totally.

• 17:27Andrew Santino?

  Oh, well, yeah, I mean, that's their number one. Literally, nobody's better at racism than Boston.

• 17:31Speaker 05

  He was good.

• 17:32Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they're good.

• 17:33Speaker 05

  And his son was there and his son was learning from him.

• 17:34Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 17:34Speaker 05

  Yeah. You know, you ever watch that? Just watch a boy become a man and you're like, ooh, wrong direction.

• 17:40Andrew Santino?

  Dude, that's a great, you know how like a karate kid, he's teaching him the ways, you know? And we do you do a Boston compilation of him learning how to be racist through his father late at night in the garage?

• 17:50Speaker 05

  Yeah, with the music playing.

• 17:51Andrew Santino?

  Dude, say the N-word with Vega. Say it with Vega, kid.

• 17:54Speaker 05

  It was so-

• 17:55Andrew Santino?

  Really lean into it.

• 17:56Speaker 05

  The dad would stand up and be like, Tommy's a fucking queer, get him off the plate. And the little boy would be like, yeah, you're queer. It was like, and then he'd be like, that's my boy.

• 18:04Andrew Santino?

  That's my boy.

• 18:05Speaker 05

  It was crazy. It made me want to whisper, just be like, well, the civil rights movement's hard in that, you know what I mean? Just to counteract it a little bit. It was crazy.

• 18:13Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, no, they're pretty good at it. I'm not gonna lie. But yes, there is still racism all around the world. Newsflash. And also-

• 18:20Speaker 05

  I'm racist. I'm for sure racist.

• 18:22Andrew Santino?

  Are you?

• 18:22Speaker 05

  On accident, yeah.

• 18:23Andrew Santino?

  Against whom?

• 18:26Andrew Santino?

  Come on.

• 18:26Speaker 05

  I think everybody.

• 18:28Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 18:29Speaker 05

  Well, I'm so comfortable with white people and so, and I immediately am so aware if I'm with other races that I just, you know what I do? It's like if, if all of a sudden Bobby walked in, it'd be like four times, I'd be like, Chinese reference, Chinese, like I would just find a way to say things. My mom does this too with black people. Like she'll be like, hi, it's nice to meet you.

• 18:49Andrew Santino?

  We all do that.

• 18:49Speaker 05

  Black. You know, and you're like, Jesus, it is, yeah, I like can't help it.

• 18:55Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but I found myself on accident, a bartender, a black dude. He was like, what's going on, man? I'm like, how you doing, man? He's like, good. I ordered a drink and then, uh, he's like, uh- Is that gonna be all? And I was like, for show. And I was like, what the?

• 19:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 19:09Andrew Santino?

  Fuck did I just do?

• 19:10Speaker 05

  The code switching that white guys do is right. You know what?

• 19:13Andrew Santino?

  But I recognized, I was like, my bad. That's insane that I said for show.

• 19:17Speaker 05

  Did you say it?

• 19:18Andrew Santino?

  I was like, for show. And I was like, I'm sorry about that.

• 19:20Speaker 05

  That's crazy. Sometimes I do black sense so much with my friends that sometimes I'll get into an Uber and it'll be a black driver and I'll just be, they'll be like, I'll be like, this is my stop, bitch. Oh my god. And they think that I'm doing that, but really it's how I talk all the time.

• 19:35Andrew Santino?

  This where we get off my G?

• 19:36Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 19:36Andrew Santino?

  You keep doing black sense the way you're doing them and just get YouTube clips put up and you're gonna go viral, kid.

• 19:42Speaker 05

  Great.

• 19:42Andrew Santino?

  That's the new world.

• 19:44Speaker 05

  I love doing the-

• 19:45Andrew Santino?

  Crowd work, black scent, clip it.

• 19:47Speaker 05

  It's so good. You ever slip into a Jamaican accent on stage?

• 19:49Andrew Santino?

  Brother, I do it all the time.

• 19:51Speaker 05

  It's so fun.

• 19:52Andrew Santino?

  Well, Melmon. We did a bit on Bad Friends. Melmon. Jamaican Melmon, get the Melmon. I love Jamaican. Jamaican's probably the most fun.

• 20:00Speaker 05

  I think they know it's the most fun, too.

• 20:01Andrew Santino?

  It's the most fun. And it's not even being, you're not even being offensive. It's just because I like it so much.

• 20:06Speaker 05

  It's so, they found a way to speak in the most fun way.

• 20:09Andrew Santino?

  That is true. That's the most fun, least fun would be like, anything-

• 20:14Speaker 05

  Czech.

• 20:15Andrew Santino?

  Well, I would say Eastern European or anything Northern European is like really sad. Like you, once you get up to like Norway and all that shit, it's like very soft and kind of like sadness, like it all feels-

• 20:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, kind of like sadness.

• 20:29Andrew Santino?

  Sadness, the dogs, they will die. It's really dark, dude. When you talk to those Northerners, eh eh, their sense of humor is, because a lot of times, like, we have, we have good meters for like when someone's joking. Sometimes they'll make a joke. My buddy I was with, I'm not gonna say his name, he made a joke and I was like, Really? And he was like, nah, I'm just, I'm obviously kidding. And I was like, okay.

• 20:52Speaker 05

  Like Daniel Simonson.

• 20:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you're like, dude, you need to be more obvious you're kidding. Because we don't know. Because you're creepy enough where it might, I'm not saying him, but the language lends that way. Jamaican, on the other hand, always fun.

• 21:03Speaker 05

  Always fun.

• 21:04Andrew Santino?

  Even when they're like, grandma died. You're like, alright.

• 21:06Speaker 05

  Yeah. My favorite is in Meet Joe Black when Brad Pitt is playing Death.

• 21:11Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah.

• 21:12Speaker 05

  And he does a Jamaican accent to an old lady.

• 21:14Andrew Santino?

  Is he the best actor we've ever seen?

• 21:16Speaker 05

  No. I don't think he is a good actor.

• 21:18Andrew Santino?

  Oh, he's a great actor.

• 21:19Speaker 05

  I think he's just beautiful.

• 21:20Andrew Santino?

  We went over it yesterday, how good of an actor he is on some of the films.

• 21:22Speaker 05

  Philip Seymour Hoffman's number one.

• 21:24Andrew Santino?

  R.I.P.

• 21:25Speaker 06

  Or Pacino.

• 21:27Speaker 00

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• 22:24Speaker 05

  Pacino's One Roll.

• 22:26Andrew Santino?

  Whoa!

• 22:28Speaker 05

  One Roll.

• 22:29Andrew Santino?

  Pacino's One Roll?

• 22:30Speaker 05

  Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. I was thinking of...

• 22:33Andrew Santino?

  De Niro?

• 22:34Speaker 05

  Pesci.

• 22:34Andrew Santino?

  Pesci? You don't like... Who are you talking...

• 22:36Speaker 05

  I love Pesci, but it is One Roll. Brad Pitt, One Roll.

• 22:39Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no. Brad Pitt's not One Roll. We can combat this very easily.

• 22:41Speaker 05

  What do you mean? Who...

• 22:43Andrew Santino?

  Is Brad Pitt in Fight Club the same as he...

• 22:45Speaker 06

  Burn After Reading.

• 22:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 22:47Speaker 05

  Yeah, same guy.

• 22:48Speaker 06

  No.

• 22:48Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no. Different guy.

• 22:49Speaker 05

  Same guy. Fun, fun, crazy, weird guy.

• 22:52Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no, no. Not true.

• 22:53Speaker 06

  He's not a weird guy in Fight... He's so cool.

• 22:55Andrew Santino?

  Fight Club, he's like the coolest guy.

• 22:56Speaker 05

  Fight Club is weird.

• 22:56Speaker 06

  He's the coolest guy ever.

• 22:57Andrew Santino?

  How about...

• 22:58Speaker 05

  But he's manic. It's like 12 Monkeys.

• 23:00Andrew Santino?

  How about Brad in 12 Monkeys? And Fight Club are definitely not the same movie.

• 23:04Speaker 05

  It's a weird, wack... It's like a kind of wacky guy. Oh, no, no. 12 Monkeys, he's calm. No, but he plays the weird guy. No, he doesn't. With I, he gets weird. I'm thinking of Seven where he's a cool guy.

• 23:13Andrew Santino?

  Seven, he is a very cool guy.

• 23:14Speaker 05

  So he can do cool, calm...

• 23:16Andrew Santino?

  True romance.

• 23:17Speaker 06

  He's the stoner roommate on the couch.

• 23:19Andrew Santino?

  That's right. So good. What about him in Oceans? He's so weird in Oceans. He's so different.

• 23:24Speaker 05

  Now you're saying he's weird. He's cool in Oceans.

• 23:26Andrew Santino?

  No, he's not cool in Oceans. He's cool in Fight Club.

• 23:30Speaker 05

  He's either cool, or he's kinda wacky.

• 23:32Andrew Santino?

  That's everything. That's all the basis. What else are you?

• 23:35Speaker 05

  No, Philip Seymour Hoffman is like...

• 23:37Speaker 06

  Nah, nah, he does have more range.

• 23:38Speaker 05

  He has so much range. Funny guy, drama guy.

• 23:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but he's not hot.

• 23:42Speaker 05

  Brad Pitt always... Yeah, but he makes you think he's hot sometimes. Sometimes you go, "Holy shit, is Philip Seymour Hoffman hot?"

• 23:47Andrew Santino?

  Brad is hot, but for a hot guy, is a good actor. Let's put it that way.

• 23:52Speaker 05

  For a hot guy is a great actor.

• 23:53Andrew Santino?

  Probably the best hot guy. How about this? He's the best actor hot guy.

• 23:56Speaker 05

  Hundred percent. Well, Leonardo DiCaprio. Eh, you know who actually is good?

• 24:00Andrew Santino?

  I don't think Leo's hot. I think he's sec- has sex appeal. Brad's hot.

• 24:04Speaker 05

  Okay, Matt Damon?

• 24:06Andrew Santino?

  Leo's sexy, Brad's hot. Matt Damon is, is, um, a guy that guys like. We go, "I like Matt Damon." Because he's... Yeah, guys like him. "I like Matt Damon because he feels like guy I know I like."

• 24:17Speaker 05

  Man, I saw him at The Cellar the other night, and he just had, you know, whose arms he had? Matt Damon's.

• 24:22Andrew Santino?

  Matt Damon.

• 24:23Speaker 05

  You know what I mean? I was just looking at him, and I was like, "Those are frickin' Goodwill's arms, bro." "You're walking around here with arms that I know so well." "And his hands, and the way he was talking, I was like, 'You look just like Matt Damon.'"

• 24:34Andrew Santino?

  And it's Matt Damon.

• 24:35Speaker 05

  It's Matt Da- It's so weird when that happens.

• 24:36Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it is kinda creepy.

• 24:37Speaker 05

  It's like when somebody has a baby, and they look like your friends who had the baby, and you're like, "You look just like my friend."

• 24:42Andrew Santino?

  I saw two girls at the airport that looked exactly like their father, and it wasn't fortunate, it was unfortunate, because their dad was not a good-looking guy. He kinda looked like a turtle with big eyes.

• 24:52Speaker 05

  Oh, no.

• 24:53Andrew Santino?

  And he was, gee, he was very round. He looked like a snowman. Like, everything was perf- it was, it kept going. It was odd. It was like, the, the head was bulbous, the middle's bulbous, the legs are bulbous. It was kinda cute.

• 25:01Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 25:02Andrew Santino?

  He was like a little snowman.

• 25:03Speaker 05

  But the girls...

• 25:03Andrew Santino?

  And the girls looked exactly like their dad, and I turned to my wife and I go, "Those poor girls look nothing like their mother."

• 25:09Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 25:10Andrew Santino?

  And she was like, "How do you know what their mother looked... Oh, okay." And they looked exactly like their dad. I was like, "That's tough."

• 25:15Speaker 05

  It's brutal.

• 25:15Andrew Santino?

  It's tough. It's hard.

• 25:16Speaker 05

  Strong genes.

• 25:17Andrew Santino?

  Like, I'm thankfully, I have some of my mom's traits. I didn't get all of my dad's traits. Because I see that sometimes. You see your parents as you get older, and you're like, "God, I'm glad I didn't get that."

• 25:29Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 25:29Andrew Santino?

  Like, I'm really glad I didn't get that.

• 25:30Speaker 05

  There's ones that I have that I'm like, "Fuck, I got that."

• 25:32Andrew Santino?

  What's your least favorite trait?

• 25:34Speaker 05

  We got, I got the square. This is all square.

• 25:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, square body?

• 25:38Speaker 05

  Yeah, my mom and dad actually had.

• 25:40Andrew Santino?

  Like a Lego unit?

• 25:41Speaker 05

  Like a Lego, I am a Lego unit. I say I'm a Lego man all the time. I'm a little Lego man. And I got the, my dad has this thing, the Simpson lip, and I got the Simpson lip.

• 25:51Andrew Santino?

  Oh, he's Simpson lip out? No, your lips are fine.

• 25:54Speaker 05

  No, this is, see, he sees it.

• 25:56Andrew Santino?

  Let me see.

• 25:57Speaker 05

  It's called a shoe shoe in my family.

• 25:58Andrew Santino?

  Oh, you do have a Simpson lip?

• 25:59Speaker 05

  Cause it gives you a tiny bit of a lisp sometimes, yeah. My niece got it too.

• 26:03Andrew Santino?

  Damn, dude.

• 26:03Speaker 05

  It's really cute when you're a kid, but then you grow up and.

• 26:05Andrew Santino?

  But your lips aren't really small, like most whites. You have normal sized lips. Most whites have thin lips.

• 26:10Speaker 05

  I was thinking about the lip flip. You seen that?

• 26:11Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, oh, the lip flip.

• 26:13Speaker 05

  They, where it flips it?

• 26:14Andrew Santino?

  But is that because you got Eastern European in you?

• 26:16Speaker 05

  I got Danish.

• 26:19Speaker 05

  Is that north?

• 26:20Andrew Santino?

  It's a little north, yeah.

• 26:20Speaker 05

  Yeah. Danish and Italian.

• 26:22Andrew Santino?

  That's it?

• 26:23Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 26:24Andrew Santino?

  No, there's something else in there.

• 26:25Speaker 05

  What do you think?

• 26:26Andrew Santino?

  Something Eastern Europe.

• 26:27Speaker 05

  What's Eastern Europe? What's over there?

• 26:30Andrew Santino?

  Brash, everything brash.

• 26:32Speaker 05

  Brash?

• 26:32Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 26:33Speaker 05

  Like what, just name a place?

• 26:35Andrew Santino?

  Like you, like, uh, Czech.

• 26:38Speaker 05

  You think I got some Czech?

• 26:39Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you kinda have like, uh, European eyes, Eastern European eyes. Those aren't Italian eyes. You think so?

• 26:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 26:46Andrew Santino?

  I don't know.

• 26:46Speaker 05

  The hooded eyes? Hooded eyes are Danish.

• 26:48Andrew Santino?

  Careful when you say stuff like that on this show.

• 26:50Speaker 05

  I know, yesterday I saw Bobby, I was like, open your eyes, you can't. I like, was just saying stuff all out, it was crazy.

• 26:55Andrew Santino?

  That's my entire life. And people are like, oh, you say so much wild shit to him. I'm like, you sure we cut from that show?

• 27:00Speaker 05

  Really?

• 27:01Andrew Santino?

  It was just the most, like, absurd shit. Well, we just go back and forth until we feel good and then we're, and then we're like, alright, we'll cut some of that stuff for sure.

• 27:09Speaker 05

  That's good. It must feel good to get it out.

• 27:11Andrew Santino?

  Well, here, you know what it's like when you do a pod with your buddy.

• 27:14Speaker 05

  Yeah, where we go a little crazy?

• 27:15Andrew Santino?

  Sometimes you go crazy. I'm sure you have episodes that you did not want to put out, or that you cut a lot out of.

• 27:21Speaker 05

  Hmm, we did one with David Lucas that we cut most of it out. Oh no, we actually just didn't end up putting it out.

• 27:26Andrew Santino?

  So much N-word, huh? He says the N-word like every five seconds.

• 27:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, no, I don't know if he did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 27:32Andrew Santino?

  He does, right?

• 27:33Speaker 05

  If I was black, I would also say the N-word so many times.

• 27:35Andrew Santino?

  No, I think you'd get over it at some point, though.

• 27:37Speaker 05

  Dude.

• 27:38Andrew Santino?

  Like, I'm worried about Cam Patterson, he just got SNL. It's like, he's gonna say the N-word for sure in the middle of a sketch. I don't think they can, I don't think they want you to do it on sketches.

• 27:45Speaker 05

  Wow, they really overhauled, huh? They fired so many of my friends and got in so many new people.

• 27:50Andrew Santino?

  Well, they got good people on there, right?

• 27:51Speaker 05

  Good people, but you can see what they did. They were trying to go full woke and then they were like, "Fuck this."

• 27:56Andrew Santino?

  Well, Veronica is fucking so talented.

• 27:58Speaker 05

  She's so good, but she got-

• 27:59Andrew Santino?

  Cam is talented.

• 28:00Speaker 05

  They didn't take her before, now they took her.

• 28:02Andrew Santino?

  Well, yeah, because they do that they do. Mikey Day, I think he auditioned like thirty fucking times. I mean, they, they put a lot of people through the wringer, man.

• 28:09Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 28:09Andrew Santino?

  But Veronica's great, Cam's great, and then that kid-

• 28:12Speaker 06

  Tommy Brennan.

• 28:13Andrew Santino?

  Tommy Brennan, that kid's fucking great.

• 28:14Speaker 06

  Love Tommy.

• 28:15Speaker 05

  Tommy is gonna be on screen and his girlfriend is in the writers' room.

• 28:19Andrew Santino?

  How cute is that?

• 28:20Speaker 05

  Isn't that cute?

• 28:22Andrew Santino?

  There's another relationship like that that's flipped. The girl is on, is on and the boy's the writers' room.

• 28:26Speaker 05

  That's so cute. I would never wanna do that show.

• 28:29Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah, we were talking about that.

• 28:30Speaker 05

  Watching my friends age like fucking Obama while they're doing that show.

• 28:33Andrew Santino?

  It is, truly.

• 28:34Speaker 05

  It's crazy. They're like nineteen and going gray.

• 28:36Andrew Santino?

  Trump is the only one that went to office and got younger as he got older. Every other president aged, he's like, "I'm getting better." He got better.

• 28:43Speaker 05

  I'm getting better every day.

• 28:44Andrew Santino?

  He looks, "I'm younger than I was." It is crazy. He's the only president where they visibly, Obama, you're like, "Damn, dude, that guy." When they show the fuck, when they show the timeline, you're like, "I saw a man get old." Oh, it's the craziest, there's a YouTube video of him like, you see him time lapse into an old stressed man, and then you see fucking Trump, you're like, "Dude, dude, he's like dipped, he's pickled." The guy didn't age, he looks the exact same as when he started.

• 29:09Speaker 05

  Because he's spending all the time in office getting procedures, probably.

• 29:12Andrew Santino?

  Hell, yeah, dude. Wouldn't you? That's what the Oval Office is for.

• 29:15Speaker 05

  Totally.

• 29:15Andrew Santino?

  Zip me up. Would you, what, if you were gonna get a very, uh, a very invasive procedure, what would you get?

• 29:23Speaker 05

  I would, I would get, it's a great question. I would get all of the extra skin on my body removed. All of it.

• 29:32Andrew Santino?

  You could do that.

• 29:33Speaker 05

  I already did it. I did it to my stomach, but I would get it everywhere. I'd get it all.

• 29:36Andrew Santino?

  You did tummy tuck?

• 29:37Speaker 05

  I did a mini tummy tuck.

• 29:40Andrew Santino?

  Is it, was it painful?

• 29:41Speaker 05

  Afterwards.

• 29:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it hurts.

• 29:42Speaker 05

  I was asleep for about a minute. It's, Eric, bad.

• 29:45Andrew Santino?

  You get all loose skin. You're too young to have that, though. You're too young.

• 29:48Speaker 05

  But I was so fat, that's why I have it.

• 29:50Andrew Santino?

  You were never that fat.

• 29:51Speaker 05

  Huge. You know this.

• 29:52Andrew Santino?

  You weren't, you weren't like obese. You weren't obese, dude.

• 29:55Speaker 05

  I had type 2 diabetes.

• 29:56Andrew Santino?

  A lot of people have, well, half of America's got that. That's just because of the food we eat, not the size you were.

• 30:01Speaker 05

  200 pounds in 6th grade.

• 30:03Andrew Santino?

  I'm 200 pounds now.

• 30:04Speaker 05

  In 6th grade, I was 5'2" or whatever. That's huge. I had this.

• 30:09Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you had the bulbous.

• 30:10Speaker 05

  Pick it up, wipe it.

• 30:11Andrew Santino?

  Oh, no, you had to wipe it underneath?

• 30:13Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 30:13Andrew Santino?

  Baby wipes?

• 30:14Speaker 05

  Yeah. Thighs.

• 30:16Andrew Santino?

  Huge. What do you think that's, what do you think that's from? Trauma?

• 30:19Speaker 05

  Why did I eat so much?

• 30:20Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 30:21Speaker 05

  I was on a huge amount of medication because I wanted to kill myself.

• 30:24Andrew Santino?

  Hell, yeah. Who doesn't?

• 30:27Speaker 05

  And I got super fat, and I was just eating everything. I mean, I still eat everything. I just have to have a person with me.

• 30:31Andrew Santino?

  I was gonna say, she keeps her mean bad shit. She said diet more than exercise with you. What's diet? What is she making you eat?

• 30:36Speaker 05

  My diet is insane.

• 30:37Andrew Santino?

  Is it just fucking chicken and rice every day?

• 30:40Speaker 05

  My diet, my particular diet that I found using ChatGPT is basically into inflammation. I can't eat any processed, because I used to eat pizzas, pizzas, cereal after cereal, Annie's mac and cheese, and I never stopped. Cheese, I used to melt cheese, put it in the microwave and eat it off a plate. You know what I mean? Just everything, and now my body can't have any. Now I eat bland chicken, tuna, seeds, no processed carbs, not even oatmeal.

• 31:08Andrew Santino?

  What do you mean no oatmeal?

• 31:09Speaker 05

  No oatmeal, no.

• 31:10Andrew Santino?

  Still cut?

• 31:11Speaker 05

  Processed, still processed.

• 31:12Andrew Santino?

  Can I have still cut?

• 31:13Speaker 05

  The closest I can have in quinoa, and I still will gain weight if I eat some quinoa.

• 31:17Andrew Santino?

  Fuck this trainer, I don't like her, dude.

• 31:18Speaker 05

  She didn't do that, I did that.

• 31:19Andrew Santino?

  Oh, fuck you.

• 31:20Speaker 05

  I know, it's crazy.

• 31:22Andrew Santino?

  Dude, I McDonald's at the airport the other day, and it made me feel great.

• 31:25Speaker 05

  Is feeling good.

• 31:26Andrew Santino?

  I know, it does feel better to not eat like shit.

• 31:28Speaker 05

  I don't even eat fruit.

• 31:30Andrew Santino?

  Okay, dude, you're pissing me the fuck off.

• 31:31Speaker 05

  I know, it's crazy. I can't, the only way I can stay this size, which is reasonable, is to do this. Isn't that crazy?

• 31:39Andrew Santino?

  I know.

• 31:39Speaker 05

  Coke, Coke, if I did Coke again.

• 31:41Andrew Santino?

  Let's do Coke.

• 31:42Speaker 05

  If I did Coke, we could go have the candies.

• 31:44Andrew Santino?

  Let's do it, dude.

• 31:45Speaker 05

  I did it. I did it for a long time. It was great. It was really, really good.

• 31:49Andrew Santino?

  Let's go bag, let's go get some.

• 31:50Speaker 05

  I know, I'll do it right now.

• 31:51Speaker 03

  In here, we pour whiskey.

• 31:54Andrew Santino?

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• 32:40Andrew Santino?

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• 33:16Speaker 05

  I did poppers the other day for the first time.

• 33:18Andrew Santino?

  What are you doing poppers for?

• 33:19Speaker 05

  I was just... You know what happened is... I'm like sober, pretty much, unless I'm in Italy.

• 33:23Andrew Santino?

  Unless you're having poppers?

• 33:25Speaker 05

  And my gay friend was there and he was like, "Just do this", because I was having such a rough time.

• 33:29Andrew Santino?

  In Italy? This was in Italy?

• 33:30Speaker 05

  No, no, this was in Alaska. And he just held the vial up to me. So fun. I can't believe it.

• 33:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, drugs are the best.

• 33:36Speaker 05

  Have you done poppers?

• 33:37Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 33:39Speaker 05

  It's crazy.

• 33:39Andrew Santino?

  I lived in my childhood for a long time. I'm shocked I never did poppers.

• 33:42Speaker 05

  They're so fun.

• 33:43Andrew Santino?

  My gay neighbor was always inviting me over to the party.

• 33:45Speaker 05

  They're like that for like 10, no, like 25 seconds even. You're like, eh, it's full retardation.

• 33:52Andrew Santino?

  Is it like whippets where you're fucking gone?

• 33:54Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 33:54Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, see whippets I liked.

• 33:55Speaker 05

  But you can still dance like this, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like that.

• 34:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you're amped. My old gay neighbor used to invite me over when he had parties. I was like, ah, I can't dude.

• 34:05Speaker 05

  They party?

• 34:06Andrew Santino?

  And I was just, I just knew better. I knew I would end up.

• 34:11Speaker 05

  Think about how fun it would be to be a gay man.

• 34:13Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 34:13Speaker 05

  And just having a guy be like, do you want to just stuff your dick in my ass for like a while? And being like, yeah, do you want to do a drug that'll keep us up so we can just cum over and over and you're like, yes, I do.

• 34:24Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, no kids around, no responsibilities.

• 34:26Speaker 05

  Being like, I'm chafing.

• 34:27Andrew Santino?

  I know. No bitching. No bitching.

• 34:31Speaker 05

  No bitching, just two slap hogs.

• 34:34Andrew Santino?

  That's the problem with being gay for me, you know, is that.

• 34:38Speaker 05

  The poop.

• 34:38Andrew Santino?

  Just guys are gross. I, I, I am a man. I see men. I live with men.

• 34:42Speaker 05

  Mateo Lane is gross?

• 34:43Andrew Santino?

  He's femme.

• 34:44Speaker 05

  He's beautiful.

• 34:45Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he's a pretty little girl, but he, he does have gross things about him like every guy does. Every man has gross shit. Every guy is gross. Even if it's like you don't see it, we're gross.

• 34:54Speaker 05

  Like where?

• 34:55Andrew Santino?

  Uh, our crevices, our feet, and the particulars about men are gross. Women take care of themselves in a way that men just don't know how to do.

• 35:02Speaker 05

  Really?

• 35:03Andrew Santino?

  I, I didn't, I don't think I washed my legs till I was 30.

• 35:06Speaker 05

  I don't wash my legs. That's crazy to wash your legs.

• 35:08Andrew Santino?

  That was an ongoing internet debate that black people were like, do you know white people don't wash their legs? That was like a whole thing. I don't think I wa-

• 35:14Speaker 05

  You should not wash your legs. Why would you wash your legs? The water's washing your legs.

• 35:16Andrew Santino?

  Nah, you gotta soap it up a little bit, I guess.

• 35:18Speaker 05

  What are you talking about?

• 35:19Andrew Santino?

  I don't know dude.

• 35:19Speaker 05

  When I pee in the shower, then I wash my legs.

• 35:21Andrew Santino?

  You pee on your legs?

• 35:23Speaker 05

  Yeah, when I pee, in the shower.

• 35:24Andrew Santino?

  Use a washcloth or no?

• 35:25Speaker 05

  Nah, we rub it down.

• 35:27Andrew Santino?

  This is, I mean, this is a white people thing. We don't use washcloths.

• 35:29Speaker 05

  What am I, a fucking baby in a tub? I'm not doing that.

• 35:33Andrew Santino?

  I, I'm telling you, it's, it's a, there's a cultural thing. White people don't do it. White people do not use washcloths. We just, this is my washcloth.

• 35:40Speaker 05

  That is my washcloth.

• 35:40Andrew Santino?

  I know. I'm saying it's very odd though. The internet comments about white people don't, black people are like, are you telling me white people don't use washcloths? You're like, we do not. It's just not a thing that we do.

• 35:50Speaker 05

  No.

• 35:50Andrew Santino?

  I don't know why.

• 35:51Speaker 05

  If there's a loofah around.

• 35:52Andrew Santino?

  But can I be honest with you?

• 35:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:53Andrew Santino?

  I've tried the washcloth thing when I was like back at my mom's house. Love it.

• 35:56Speaker 05

  It's nice.

• 35:57Andrew Santino?

  It's really nice.

• 35:58Speaker 05

  I know, it feels like your mommy is bathing you.

• 36:01Andrew Santino?

  You actually get your back.

• 36:02Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 36:02Andrew Santino?

  And you're like, whoa, fuck, that's incredible. Like, I would.

• 36:05Speaker 05

  It's really good.

• 36:06Andrew Santino?

  I felt all the barnacles come off of my back. I was like, oh my god, I'm under a ship for years.

• 36:11Speaker 05

  But I don't even wash my face. I use olive oil to take makeup off and then I put, that's it.

• 36:15Andrew Santino?

  That's like a test of Italian bullshit. I use olive oil to clean my face, sir.

• 36:19Speaker 05

  Coconut oil in the vag, done.

• 36:22Andrew Santino?

  You coconut oil up and that's it? You don't actually wash it? You don't wash the hooch?

• 36:25Speaker 05

  You can't wash the hooch. You wash your butt all, you don't put soap on the hooch or you get the yeasty, feasty.

• 36:31Andrew Santino?

  Oh, we gotta, we gotta wash.

• 36:32Speaker 05

  Oh, you must wash?

• 36:33Andrew Santino?

  And I go like this. And I love it. I'll stand there sometimes and do it for a long time.

• 36:38Speaker 05

  What's that called when men pull on their?

• 36:40Andrew Santino?

  It's almost like a mime.

• 36:41Speaker 05

  Yeah, but you don't get hard from doing that?

• 36:44Andrew Santino?

  You get a little, you get a little blood flow.

• 36:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 36:45Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 36:46Speaker 05

  What's that called, squelching?

• 36:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, is that what it is?

• 36:49Speaker 05

  When they pull their dick to make it longer?

• 36:50Andrew Santino?

  Such a good name. Squelching is so good.

• 36:53Speaker 05

  Is it called something like that?

• 36:54Andrew Santino?

  Squelching is so good.

• 36:55Speaker 05

  And it's dangerous, because they, people do it a lot, because it makes their dick bigger. Look up.

• 37:00Speaker 06

  What is stretching your dick?

• 37:01Andrew Santino?

  Squelching!

• 37:02Speaker 05

  Look up stretching your dick massage dick in large.

• 37:05Andrew Santino?

  So people do this to get their dick longer?

• 37:06Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 37:07Andrew Santino?

  That's pretty, well, I mean, the skin is pliable, right? So it will stretch.

• 37:10Speaker 05

  I guess so. I mean, the African ladies with the nicks.

• 37:12Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, look at, well, look at when we gain weight.

• 37:14Speaker 05

  Why don't they do that to their penis? Just put little rings around it?

• 37:16Speaker 06

  Jelking?

• 37:17Speaker 05

  Jelking! Jelking. Squelching is.

• 37:20Andrew Santino?

  Put up the word jelking right here on screen. Jelking is so rad. That's a real thing.

• 37:25Speaker 05

  It's a real thing, but people have really damaged their penises doing it.

• 37:27Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. Well, that's a penis pumps where the, where that was stage one of that. People did penis pumps. I remember when I was a kid. We found like my buddy's dad had a penis pump. And I was like, what is that for? And then we looked it up and I was like, oh, it's like, it's to, it's like, the pressure and constriction gets you harder and bigger and it's supposed to grow your wiener.

• 37:45Speaker 05

  Well, it's like when you put a glass around your lips.

• 37:47Andrew Santino?

  That's right, sucks it out.

• 37:48Speaker 05

  And suck the air out and your lips get really swollen.

• 37:50Andrew Santino?

  Same thing, dude.

• 37:50Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 37:51Andrew Santino?

  Say, say the word again? Jelking. Jelking.

• 37:54Speaker 05

  Jelking.

• 37:54Andrew Santino?

  This episode's gonna be called jelking. J E L K. I've been jelking in the Oval Office.

• 37:58Speaker 05

  As if we don't care. That's just... To go from whatever the fuck your dick is to that is so... We've already accepted your small dick. To then subject yourself to that is so...

• 38:09Andrew Santino?

  Look at him when you say that.

• 38:10Speaker 05

  Sorry. Your dicks. But you guys, I know what your penises look like. I know what they are.

• 38:14Andrew Santino?

  What do they look like?

• 38:15Speaker 05

  Solid Yankee standards. It depends. It's based on the hands. You got good girth though.

• 38:19Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 38:20Speaker 05

  You got good girth?

• 38:20Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I do.

• 38:21Speaker 05

  I don't know about you. You got a little skinny dick? Let me see those hands.

• 38:24Andrew Santino?

  He does have a skinny little dick.

• 38:25Speaker 05

  Oh, skinny and a little short, huh?

• 38:28Andrew Santino?

  No, no.

• 38:29Speaker 05

  You're suffering. Are you suffering a little?

• 38:30Andrew Santino?

  He's actually got a medium pipe.

• 38:32Speaker 05

  Have you seen it?

• 38:32Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 38:33Speaker 05

  What is it? Is it the... You have a dildo cock? Like a little Yankee standard?

• 38:37Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no. It's skinny, but it is... It's good length.

• 38:39Speaker 05

  That's good.

• 38:40Andrew Santino?

  He doesn't have good girth, but he's got good length. Cause I'm tall. Cause he's tall.

• 38:44Speaker 05

  Oh, are you... How tall are you?

• 38:45Andrew Santino?

  His sixes is my height.

• 38:46Speaker 05

  Yeah, but look at those fingers. Let me see that.

• 38:48Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he's got little Irish hands.

• 38:49Speaker 05

  Yeah, you do got little... Oh, you're Irish. Nice. That's exclusive of me. I've only ever dated Irish.

• 38:55Andrew Santino?

  You've never dated any other kind? But only...

• 38:59Speaker 05

  Actually, truly.

• 38:59Andrew Santino?

  Only whites? Only white Irish?

• 39:01Speaker 05

  Only white Irish.

• 39:02Andrew Santino?

  You're scared of jumping over to some other continent?

• 39:05Speaker 05

  I can't. There's something about how the reservidness, the anger...

• 39:09Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, the anger is really what it is.

• 39:11Speaker 05

  The pent-up rage, yeah.

• 39:12Andrew Santino?

  You also want a man... And an Irishman will give this to you. A man who kind of loathes you.

• 39:19Speaker 05

  And isn't close to their mom. Like, Irish people are the only ones who are like, "I keep my mom at a distance. I don't like her that much."

• 39:26Andrew Santino?

  Which is funny, because we love our moms. You love your mother. Yeah, but I guess I don't talk to her about things.

• 39:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, you don't kiss her on the mouth. You don't talk to her...

• 39:32Andrew Santino?

  Well, no. You're saying two different things. We... I love my mother. Cause she was a single mom for when I was a kid, kid, so like I had a bond with...

• 39:39Speaker 05

  But you're black. You're like black Irish.

• 39:40Andrew Santino?

  So I had a bond with her, but then, um... But because we're Irish, the bond is also tempered by the fact that we don't speak about stuff.

• 39:51Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 39:51Andrew Santino?

  You do not talk about, in Irish culture, someone could be like, "What happened to that guy?" He's like, "Oh, he died, he died of cancer." And you're like, "Oh, my God, I never knew." It's like, "Yeah, you know now." No one talks about if something's wrong.

• 40:02Speaker 05

  There's no like, I've dated guys where the mom comes in and we're like, kind of hooking up and they're like, "Oh, I just wanted to make sure that you didn't need it." That doesn't happen with Irishmen. The mom does, will not go with, close.

• 40:13Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 40:13Speaker 05

  To.

• 40:14Andrew Santino?

  No, they understand.

• 40:15Speaker 05

  They understand.

• 40:15Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's, it's a common, but Irish women, their sons, their sons, they love their sons, but they also don't need to know stuff. So they don't need to know. My mom never asked me like.

• 40:27Speaker 05

  The Italians have to know everything.

• 40:29Andrew Santino?

  Well, the Italians, the Italians are a little invasive. They, they need to know, they're got, they're got, dude, Italians love chatty. They're T people.

• 40:36Speaker 05

  We have to know, I mean, every sexual act I've had to vividly describe to my mom. She's like, "Why, what is it? Why are people doing anal? Explain it to me." "What is it? Is there a G's box back there? What does it feel like?" You know, and I have to be like, "It feels like..."

• 40:47Andrew Santino?

  Also, she's gay, so this is so foreign. This is all annoyingly foreign to her. "Why are you doing that?" That's what she thinks. "What are you doing that with your hooch for?"

• 40:54Speaker 05

  With penises in general, she's pretty.

• 40:56Andrew Santino?

  Annoyed with penises.

• 40:58Speaker 05

  She doesn't get why I would, would ever.

• 41:01Andrew Santino?

  Need a penis.

• 41:02Speaker 05

  She likes penis. She loves cock. My mom loves cock. One of my moms, my biological one, the other one is like revolted by it.

• 41:08Andrew Santino?

  Clip it.

• 41:09Speaker 05

  They have a pretty big deal though. My mom loves cock. She loves men. She loves, she's obsessed with Tom Cruise.

• 41:13Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 41:14Speaker 05

  But she's like, the, it doesn't balance itself out. It doesn't, there's no, the person attached to the cock is so irredeemable.

• 41:21Andrew Santino?

  Well, then don't have a guy with a, just get a, just get a dildo.

• 41:24Speaker 05

  That's what she does.

• 41:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's the same thing.

• 41:25Speaker 05

  But I like the, I like the thing that it's attached to.

• 41:28Andrew Santino?

  You like the thing attached.

• 41:28Speaker 05

  The dumb thing.

• 41:29Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you're sick.

• 41:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, I know. I love the dumb, I love how you guys think, where you just think moment by, and you just, you put your sock on and then your shoe on. I love that.

• 41:37Andrew Santino?

  We think in segments.

• 41:39Speaker 05

  You think in whatever the fuck is going on, which is nice. Women are trained to think in the future. Sort of like, maybe if I put my sock on, it's not gonna be weird later. Am I gonna, instead of just being like, "Put it on, move on."

• 41:48Andrew Santino?

  Right. We are, we are, uh, action and then, and then ask questions later. You guys are ask questions and then action. You guys are thinking about what is it gonna impact and how is it gonna affect things. We do it, and then if it fucks it up, we're like, "Sorry."

• 42:02Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 42:02Andrew Santino?

  And then we keep moving.

• 42:03Speaker 05

  The idea of having a child with a man is so awful to me. Like, the idea of being like. Packing up a diaper bag and having the guy, the never being able to rely on my husband to do it because he'll never think ahead of time to the thing. That sounds awful, but as like a childless woman, it's ideal to be with a man because they just make me closer to being a man.

• 42:21Andrew Santino?

  That's right.

• 42:22Speaker 05

  Where they're like, just do the dumb thing and that'll be okay.

• 42:25Andrew Santino?

  Go do, now.

• 42:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, but having a kid with one, oh.

• 42:28Andrew Santino?

  You see responsible, good fathers though, they're out there. The good dads are out there, the dads that are sensitive, that are thoughtful, they're out there.

• 42:33Speaker 05

  Dude, we met a fucking guy, hottest guy you've ever seen in your life, tan, Cali guy, chatting me and sit up. Chatting with us, what are you doing, da da ba da ba. His wife is holding the baby in a bike, like half a block away, being like, we're just gonna go. We're just gonna go to the skate park, me and the kid, and he's like, I'll meet you there. I was like, this place is crazy.

• 42:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 42:53Speaker 05

  In New York, he would have a fucking, he would get hooked like one of those vaudeville's. It was crazy. And she just was okay with it.

• 43:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, maybe, maybe they don't like each other anymore. Maybe she's like, look, go find some young pussy to clap while we're out at the park.

• 43:09Speaker 05

  With her kid, with his kid, child right there?

• 43:10Andrew Santino?

  So what, the kids need to learn how life is.

• 43:13Speaker 05

  Crazy. You never would have.

• 43:15Andrew Santino?

  Did he land either of you guys? Was it, was it interesting?

• 43:16Speaker 05

  He could have landed both of us.

• 43:18Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 43:18Speaker 05

  Oh, a hundred percent. He was so hot. Oh my god.

• 43:21Andrew Santino?

  Where was this, down by the beach or some shit?

• 43:22Speaker 05

  Yeah, Venice Beach.

• 43:23Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 43:24Speaker 05

  Just shirt open.

• 43:25Andrew Santino?

  It's a different breed. Beach, beach people are a different breed in Los Angeles.

• 43:28Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 43:28Andrew Santino?

  Every subset of LA is a different breed of human, right? Like, you could be the same, you could be the same person in Brooklyn that you might meet somewhere in the city. That, that's very plausible.

• 43:36Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 43:37Andrew Santino?

  You will not meet the same kind of guy from Venice who lives in Venice that lives in the valley up here. They don't exist.

• 43:41Speaker 05

  I've never seen that type of schizos either. I mean, the people on the Venice boardwalk.

• 43:45Andrew Santino?

  Oh dude, Venice Beach is disgusting. I mean, I, I, we refuse, I don't go over there.

• 43:48Speaker 05

  There was a woman, high heels, perfectly normal outfit, just standing in the middle of the boardwalk, going, I went to Berkeley. I went to the same classes as you and look at me, screaming at everybody. It was so weird. And I was like, I don't even know. I'm so used to the New York, just like, and you're like, sir, you know what I mean? Like, they're full zombie in New York.

• 44:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 44:07Speaker 05

  Which I much prefer than the just communicating the schizophrenia via English.

• 44:12Andrew Santino?

  We're more active, yeah.

• 44:13Speaker 05

  They're active, they're verbal.

• 44:15Andrew Santino?

  Well, because they're fueled by the sun. You guys get much less sun. Those people are, they're whittling away in the city. But they're thriving at the beach. They're getting all the nutrients from the sun and from the trash. Like, they're kind of, it's, it's kind of like the perfect version of being homeless.

• 44:27Speaker 05

  Maybe less heroin and more something?

• 44:29Andrew Santino?

  Fentanyl is over by you guys. Fent is bigger by East Coast. We're, we're still more on the H. We still have more H over here.

• 44:35Speaker 05

  Okay, okay.

• 44:35Andrew Santino?

  We're still streaming on coke and H and. We have crack.

• 44:39Speaker 05

  We have also, most of our homeless people are black, so they are hustling. They have a good hustle going. Like, there's one guy named Bones. His name isn't Bones, I call him Bones. Because he has a big white friend who will run into you, and you kind of like go to avoid him, and then you accidentally bump Bones, and Bones drops an entire to-go container. And you go, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry," and he goes, "You have to buy me more food." And one time he did it to me after like three times. And I was like, "Wait, what the fuck?" And I looked down and they're licked clean chicken bones. I'm like, "I'm not gonna replace your bones, dog. Those are literally clacking on the ground." He's like, "No, it's a full meal."

• 45:15Andrew Santino?

  His buddy's like, "She found out who we are, let's get out of here, Bones."

• 45:18Speaker 05

  Because the white guilt works so well. As soon as you bump the weird little tiny black guy, you're like, "I'll buy you whatever you want."

• 45:24Andrew Santino?

  I'll buy him anyway, I'll buy you some fucking food.

• 45:26Speaker 06

  My friend bumped into that guy in Brooklyn, dropped a bunch of booze bottles.

• 45:30Andrew Santino?

  Oh, that's Boozy's, that's a different guy. This is Bones.

• 45:32Speaker 05

  Yeah. Bones is a little bit more together, yeah. I like Wheels, Wheels is good.

• 45:39Andrew Santino?

  Wheels is a good trick, I love Wheels.

• 45:41Speaker 05

  Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, I need something to drink. Wheels took Tyler Fisher's phone, grabbed his phone, and then Tyler Fisher was like, "Holy shit, where's my phone?", was asking all the homeless people, and Wheels goes, "I know who has your phone." He reaches into his ball sack, pulls out a dripping wet phone, and was like, "Twenty dollars."

• 46:03Andrew Santino?

  I love that guy.

• 46:03Speaker 05

  And he had to give him twenty dollars for a ball sack phone. Isn't that, I would've been like, "Take it, take it, have it." Isn't that gross?

• 46:09Andrew Santino?

  You walk it into Apple, they're like, "Is that a ball sack phone?" We've seen this before, yeah, we can fix this. We've done this, we'll put it in Rice.

• 46:16Speaker 06

  LA homeless are also some performers, so they want a stage.

• 46:19Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, most of these people are failed actors, so they do all, they have... Some of them are really hot.

• 46:25Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 46:25Andrew Santino?

  They do have like a history of actually trying to perform. There's a guy I just saw, I might be wrong with the names, Will Ames, A-I-M-E-S, Will Ames. He was an old actor, they just saw video resurface of this guy. Who was like an actor that acted, and they just saw him again somewhere, and he had gone homeless again for like the third or fourth time. And it's miserable to watch.

• 46:46Speaker 05

  Who do you think in our class would be the most likely to have that happen to them?

• 46:49Andrew Santino?

  Ari Shaffir.

• 46:50Speaker 05

  Homeless?

• 46:51Andrew Santino?

  Hundred percent. He doesn't care about money and material things. I could see him, I could see him having a psychotic break, taking a drug that he didn't realize the power of which it possessed overseas. And then becoming kind of a vagrant, loose, wild. You know what I mean?

• 47:06Speaker 05

  You think? But he doesn't, he doesn't get weird on stage. Like, I think he's too lucid.

• 47:11Andrew Santino?

  No, no, I'm saying, he goes somewhere international, puts away his phone like he does, takes a drug where they're like, this is gonna, the new shit, this is gonna push you to the edge, but it's gonna be great. He takes it, he cracks, he doesn't, he doesn't come back for a little while.

• 47:22Speaker 05

  I think it would be way more one of these, like an anti-vaxxer. I think it would be way more like somebody who's like, or somebody who's going so full Palestine that they're talking about it on stage all the time.

• 47:31Andrew Santino?

  Who's this, who's this guy?

• 47:32Speaker 05

  There's a bunch of comics who are just like, free Palestine for, talking about it for an hour.

• 47:36Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 47:37Speaker 05

  Yeah, and you're like, oh, you could crack.

• 47:39Andrew Santino?

  New York comics?

• 47:39Speaker 05

  Yeah, New York comics that are sliding into the internet world, too much, you know what I mean?

• 47:43Andrew Santino?

  They're getting too internet-y.

• 47:44Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 47:44Andrew Santino?

  You gotta stay away from the internet, dude.

• 47:46Speaker 05

  It's crazy.

• 47:47Andrew Santino?

  Who could be the most homeless in the class?

• 47:49Speaker 06

  Ari also took a shit on stage.

• 47:50Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, Ari shit on stage.

• 47:51Speaker 05

  But that's, I still think that that's like an elite level.

• 47:53Andrew Santino?

  But imagine if it was fueled by a new drug.

• 47:57Andrew Santino?

  And he started to slip. He would slip in a way into nothing.

• 48:00Speaker 05

  I still think he's so reachable. Haven't you ever talked to a comic where you're like, oh, you're almost off the map the way you're so motivated by this? Like, even a comic that's like, dude, you gotta post three times a week. Sometimes I'm like, oh, you could be a homeless guy.

• 48:10Andrew Santino?

  Well, I'm thinking of a few people, yeah.

• 48:12Speaker 05

  You know what I mean? Where you're like, oh, wow, you're so into the algorithm?

• 48:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that you could get lost in the thing.

• 48:17Speaker 05

  That you could get sucked into that.

• 48:18Andrew Santino?

  You know who that was? Pre, like, pre-internet? The way that you're talking, and obviously this didn't happen to him, he balanced his life out, but the way that Orney was in Comedian with Seinfeld, was that. Where he was like obsessed with the unknown of like, well, shouldn't I be doing this? And shouldn't I be doing this? And that's the whole point of Jerry being like, relax, dude. You'd rather be doing nothing else in the world. Like, that scene is so heartbreaking when Orney's like, all my friends are moving up. He's like, moving up?

• 48:44Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 48:45Andrew Santino?

  What are you talking about? The way that Jerry shuts it down. And it is true. I, I understood his anxiety, because we've all gone through that as comics. But I did see very clearly Jerry, what he was saying, which was like, what else you, you got something else you'd rather be doing?

• 48:58Speaker 05

  Also the best. Time in our career was the fucking open mic scene.

• 49:03Andrew Santino?

  The stress scene was the best scene.

• 49:04Speaker 05

  It was the best.

• 49:05Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, stress scene is the best scene.

• 49:06Speaker 05

  Having a job during the day and then doing comedy at night?

• 49:08Andrew Santino?

  Red.

• 49:09Speaker 05

  Incredible. A job you don't care about?

• 49:10Andrew Santino?

  And you also lived a schedule where like you had work people that were friends and you went to like, I went to happy hour sometimes with people and I felt like a normal guy.

• 49:17Speaker 05

  And you could let loose. There would be a time where after everything, you could turn it off and let loose. Here, it's like you let loose. It's all comics who know you. You're letting loose with them. Before it was like, you could just like go to a work party and get fucked up.

• 49:30Andrew Santino?

  Mary from HR and get fucking hammered. Yeah, get a handjob in the, yeah, these things are fun. They're gone. They'll never come back. Now you have a special on Netflix. I'm a fancy bitch. I got my dog and my trainer and my special. You're too nice now. It's over. It's fucking over.

• 49:43Speaker 05

  I'm not nice. Oh, nice isn't fancy.

• 49:45Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's too nice.

• 49:46Speaker 05

  I know. I have this whole theory that you should never have no money and then a lot of money. You should always stay somewhat in your bracket because I've become.

• 49:53Andrew Santino?

  Your, your money's going to your head a little bit? A little bit?

• 49:56Speaker 05

  A little bit.

• 49:57Andrew Santino?

  It is.

• 49:58Speaker 05

  I mean, I was.

• 49:58Andrew Santino?

  I've seen people go through this. We've seen this happen to a lot of people.

• 50:01Speaker 05

  Bro, you should have seen me at Rogan's Club. They had no rider. They don't give you a rider. And I just was like, this is insane. And, and Jake was like, Jordan. And I was like, you're right.

• 50:09Andrew Santino?

  But still.

• 50:11Speaker 05

  You're right.

• 50:11Andrew Santino?

  I do want my Pellegrino.

• 50:12Speaker 05

  I want the blueberries.

• 50:14Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, where are they?

• 50:15Speaker 05

  That club is such a good club, so tight, but you get in there and they're like, they're like, this is Kyle. He's gonna take you up three flights of stairs. He has an AK-47. And they give you everything you need. And then you get in there and they're like, is there anything you need? We have, we can kill people for you. And I'm like, water? And they're like, no, we have smelling salts. I'm like, I just need the couple almonds to live.

• 50:34Andrew Santino?

  They're like, smoke a cigarette and shut the fuck up, bitch.

• 50:36Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's crazy. But I do get diva-y like that. Now that I have a little bit of money, I'm like, like I can only fly first class now. Crazy. I used to make fun of those people all the time.

• 50:45Andrew Santino?

  I don't do that shit. That's crazy.

• 50:46Speaker 05

  What are you talking about? Yes, you do.

• 50:48Andrew Santino?

  He knows I don't.

• 50:49Speaker 05

  Where do you fly?

• 50:50Andrew Santino?

  I'll fly, I'll fly anything economy, anywhere.

• 50:52Speaker 05

  That's not true.

• 50:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, tell them. Middle seat coach. Middle seat coach, baby. All the way to Australia.

• 50:56Speaker 05

  No way.

• 50:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 50:58Speaker 05

  Get the fu- you're lying.

• 51:00Andrew Santino?

  No, middle seat to Australia coach, dude. We're saving money over here, brother. Who knows how long this is gonna last?

• 51:05Speaker 05

  Middle seat coach.

• 51:07Andrew Santino?

  26E? 26F? E or F? He takes a lot of mega buses. A mega bus.

• 51:13Speaker 05

  You're lying.

• 51:14Andrew Santino?

  No dude, he'll tell you.

• 51:16Speaker 05

  I don't believe you for a second. That's insane.

• 51:17Andrew Santino?

  The first class is expensive. You're out of bounds for doing that.

• 51:19Speaker 05

  It's like 1,200.

• 51:21Andrew Santino?

  Whoa!

• 51:23Speaker 05

  For Australia? Paying 1,200 to be in first class for-

• 51:27Andrew Santino?

  It's not 1,200 for first class. Australia? What do you mean? That's like five grand.

• 51:31Speaker 05

  You're paying, you're, you're buying a ticket for 300 bucks.

• 51:34Andrew Santino?

  We do, we go on kayak or one of those websites where you get discount. Hopper. Hopper, hopper.

• 51:39Speaker 05

  How many hours were you on a plane in coach, in middle seat?

• 51:42Andrew Santino?

  To go to Australia, how long was that flight? It's about 20 hours.

• 51:45Speaker 05

  There's no way you did that. There's no way.

• 51:47Andrew Santino?

  No, it wasn't 20.

• 51:48Speaker 05

  Your legs were, would have, my legs would have been balloons afterwards, all the blood pooling.

• 51:52Andrew Santino?

  We stood up and walked around a bunch. You stand and walk, stand and walk.

• 51:53Speaker 05

  Bobby was in coach?

• 51:54Andrew Santino?

  Bobby was in first class.

• 51:56Speaker 05

  And you said, "I'm gonna do coach."

• 51:57Andrew Santino?

  It's, it's just a, it's a culture thing for me. It's like a way we grew up. We're not allowed, we don't do that. I do that if I'm going to a wedding, a funeral.

• 52:04Speaker 05

  Oh wow.

• 52:05Andrew Santino?

  An important event.

• 52:06Speaker 05

  Wait, your weekend's touring.

• 52:07Andrew Santino?

  Come on dude.

• 52:08Speaker 05

  Oh my god. Oh my god. Thank the lord. I was like, I have to change who I am fundamentally as a person.

• 52:16Andrew Santino?

  Who is the hotter actor? Is it me or Brad Pitt?

• 52:17Speaker 05

  That was so good.

• 52:19Andrew Santino?

  That was my seven.

• 52:19Speaker 05

  He saved you. He was the one saving you because he had straight face and was being like, "For real."

• 52:24Andrew Santino?

  No, but we, it's a combination. We backed you into a corner, it was great.

• 52:27Speaker 05

  Me and him are on a team because I feel like we're your little sibling.

• 52:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 52:30Speaker 05

  So me looking at him was being like his dad lying and he was like, "No, for real, dad will beat your ass."

• 52:35Andrew Santino?

  But my son always tells you-

• 52:36Speaker 05

  Holy shit, thank god.

• 52:37Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no. No, no, once you get the privilege of doing it and you tour all the time, it's like, it's hard to not have it. Although, although, and he knows, sometimes we'll just jump on shit if we can't find shit. If we do it, I'll do it.

• 52:49Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 52:49Andrew Santino?

  I'll do, I'll, I'll do whatever I can do to get to the fans to do the shit. But, would I like to be fancy and be able to fly like, private like these guys do? Yeah, that'd be fucking amazing.

• 53:00Speaker 05

  Here's my thing, I just-

• 53:01Andrew Santino?

  You see guys do it all the time.

• 53:02Speaker 05

  I was supposed to do a gig on a private jet.

• 53:04Andrew Santino?

  Oh rad.

• 53:05Speaker 05

  And I couldn't, I said-

• 53:06Andrew Santino?

  What do you mean, on the jet or they had a jet for you?

• 53:08Speaker 05

  I was supposed, not for me, it was me and Louis and I couldn't, I was like, "I cannot."

• 53:12Andrew Santino?

  Why?

• 53:12Speaker 05

  I'm too afraid of private jets.

• 53:14Andrew Santino?

  What do you mean?

• 53:14Speaker 05

  Because if I were God and I were, and I was like, "I have to smite one of these planes," I'm smiting the two comedians who think they're better than everybody else and not the plane full of people. They go down. Private jets go down. And they go down kind of rightfully so.

• 53:27Andrew Santino?

  They do, that's, it's a lie, that is, that is-

• 53:29Speaker 05

  They go down way more than commercial jets. Way more.

• 53:32Andrew Santino?

  Not private jets. I would say, I would say, first of all, private flights are actually commercial flights. We'll get into something about that later, but-

• 53:38Speaker 05

  Oh, the charters.

• 53:39Andrew Santino?

  But- Um, small, small planes, uh, like Cessnas and stuff like that, those do crash more often, but they're also user error. A lot of times it's people in training, so the numbers are inflated. But like charter jet engine planes like you're talking about with jets?

• 53:55Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 53:56Andrew Santino?

  No, those don't crash as often as people think they do.

• 53:58Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 53:58Andrew Santino?

  They do.

• 54:00Speaker 05

  I just worry about the karma of it.

• 54:02Andrew Santino?

  No, not in the way where like small planes that crash all the time, usually from flight schools and shit like that, or little tiny airports. That's user error, that's because they're fucking, they're, they're, yeah.

• 54:10Speaker 06

  Yeah, that's just mainly the crashes are because when your smaller plane requires way less training and less hours. So it's often more inexperienced pilots.

• 54:18Andrew Santino?

  But those, but yeah, the less experienced pilots is you, my buddy went to Embry-Riddle Flight School and the amount of times that like little baby planes would have baby crashes.

• 54:24Speaker 05

  Really?

• 54:24Andrew Santino?

  Like little stuff, you're not gonna die, but they do have crash landings where they land incorrectly or like, yes, this happens often enough because they're training. But with jets, you're talking pilots that have a lot of experience.

• 54:35Speaker 05

  I think mine is just a karmic thing, it's scary.

• 54:37Andrew Santino?

  You're not going down, you're a good person, you don't do, you don't do bad shit to deserve a karmatic revolution. Blueberry Demands is pretty in the pocket, that's fine. You couldn't do the gig just because of that?

• 54:47Speaker 05

  No, I didn't do it for other reasons.

• 54:48Andrew Santino?

  I was just gonna say, I was like, well, you're gonna fucking do the gig if you, just because it's a jet, who cares how you get there?

• 54:53Speaker 05

  Yeah, no, I was gonna do it, but there were other reasons I had to not do it. It was good, it was a good move, I'll tell you.

• 54:58Andrew Santino?

  Okay, another time.

• 54:59Speaker 05

  Of course.

• 55:00Andrew Santino?

  And we'll save it for another time, another place.

• 55:01Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 55:02Andrew Santino?

  But, but for now.

• 55:03Speaker 05

  But if you could have a private jet, you would do it? I want a tour bus.

• 55:06Andrew Santino?

  I would rather, if, if there, if I could, yeah, this is such like privileged talk.

• 55:11Speaker 05

  Sleeping in the fucking, if you sleep in a goddamn tour bus and they give you a little cubby, I've only done it with Segura.

• 55:17Andrew Santino?

  It's the best, in the coffin?

• 55:18Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 55:19Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, in the coffins, we slept in the coffins.

• 55:20Speaker 05

  There's something about that that is made for.

• 55:22Andrew Santino?

  Well, he hated, he woke up and slept, sleptwalked and he had night terrors every night.

• 55:25Speaker 05

  You sleepwalk?

• 55:26Andrew Santino?

  And night terrors.

• 55:26Speaker 06

  That's really bad.

• 55:27Speaker 05

  Wait, what kind of sleepwalker are you?

• 55:29Speaker 06

  I will run around and scream.

• 55:30Andrew Santino?

  He just yells racial epithets all night long, it's insane.

• 55:33Speaker 05

  Dude, my stepbrother used to wake up, go to, into his mom's room and start screaming at her, eyes open that she, she wasn't his real mom.

• 55:40Andrew Santino?

  That's rad.

• 55:40Speaker 05

  Isn't that so scary?

• 55:42Andrew Santino?

  There's gotta be truth to that.

• 55:43Speaker 06

  Did I, what did I yell when we were in Missouri?

• 55:45Andrew Santino?

  Missouri scared me a little bit, I'm not gonna lie. You woke up, it's funny, it's funny because we were in the woods.

• 55:48Speaker 05

  I love sleepwalkers.

• 55:49Andrew Santino?

  Well, we were in the woods together, like we're out in a cabin, you know? And, uh... And also, I was kind of already kind of anxious because of all the shit we had going on. And he was moving around a lot at night. I was also mad because he lit a fire. So the whole fucking place smelled like smoke. He lit a fire?

• 56:07Speaker 06

  They had a, they had-

• 56:09Andrew Santino?

  At a fireplace?

• 56:10Speaker 06

  Fireplace, and they had wood for you. And he was out at dinner and I was there alone editing. And I was like, let me light a fire. And then I immediately knew he would be mad. And I was like, ah shit.

• 56:17Andrew Santino?

  It's, the whole place stunk like smoke.

• 56:18Andrew Santino?

  Cause the flue was shut, you didn't open the flue?

• 56:19Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he didn't open the fucking flue.

• 56:21Speaker 06

  No, there was no flue. We looked for one. It was open-

• 56:23Andrew Santino?

  Who's we looked for one? I didn't look for one. I came back and I said, did you open the flue because it smells like smoke?

• 56:27Andrew Santino?

  There has to be a flue.

• 56:28Speaker 06

  I said, no, but then you looked and you're like, oh, I guess there isn't one, remember?

• 56:30Andrew Santino?

  Cause you saw straight up to the sky? I don't, no, that's not true. You couldn't see straight up. I didn't put my head in there. I said, it didn't look, there's nothing to pull on.

• 56:36Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 56:36Andrew Santino?

  But then I said, you had, you couldn't have opened the flue because it stunk like smoke. A fire would have been fine. This motherfucker, I got in there, I was like, Did you light this place on fire? He's like, I made a little fire. I knew you'd be mad.

• 56:47Speaker 06

  I know, like, right when I lit, I was like, ah, fuck. Right when I smelled it, I was like, shit.

• 56:50Andrew Santino?

  Cause if it was done correctly, it wouldn't matter. Also, didn't need a fire, it was hot out.

• 56:53Speaker 06

  I just, when you're, when there's a fire-

• 56:55Andrew Santino?

  It's your age. I remember being in my twenties and be like, I need to build it because my dad taught me how to line it up and what the things under it. Yeah, it was always fire, bitch. I hate that. What is it, what is it now? It's September. This was in August.

• 57:07Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 57:07Andrew Santino?

  You made a fire in the middle of fucking August in Missouri. I was like, what are you doing? Anyway, we're in the woods at night. He's rolling around a lot. I'm already annoyed. I can't sleep. And then I hear him.

• 57:18Andrew Santino?

  And I remember this from the tour bus.

• 57:21Andrew Santino?

  And then start, start, that's how it starts.

• 57:24Andrew Santino?

  And then what? It's almost like church preaching. And then, it'll be like, an hour will go by. And, and then it'll be noise again. It'll be quiet. That sucks because it's like Chinese drip torture. Dude, it's the worst. And he wa- and he, then he stood up. And he walked around a little bit. And I, and I did have that instinct of like, you can't wake him up. That's not good. You're not supposed to wake him up.

• 57:42Speaker 06

  No, no, you can't do that. You're supposed to.

• 57:44Andrew Santino?

  Well, I thought you're not supposed to. Isn't that bad?

• 57:46Speaker 06

  That's a common misconception.

• 57:47Andrew Santino?

  Why do they say not wake?

• 57:48Speaker 06

  Cause it was in Step Brothers. They did a joke where they're like, don't wake him up or they'll freak out.

• 57:52Andrew Santino?

  No, that's not why, because I do think there are people that have, ha- get bad, get bad, bad panic from it.

• 57:57Speaker 06

  It's a very common misconception, but you can wake up anyone who's sleepwalking and they'll be confused for a second and then they'll be fine.

• 58:02Andrew Santino?

  Don't wake him up.

• 58:03Speaker 05

  Did you stand up?

• 58:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he stood up, he walked around.

• 58:05Speaker 06

  I stand up and run around.

• 58:06Andrew Santino?

  Drive me nuts.

• 58:07Speaker 05

  You saw him walking around?

• 58:09Andrew Santino?

  So he screams, "Help, no, please don't" a lot, and I'm not exaggerating, that's not a made up thing, that's not for the bit. "Help, no, please don't."

• 58:15Speaker 05

  Buddy, what happened?

• 58:16Andrew Santino?

  Well, we went over this already, a lot happened to him.

• 58:18Speaker 05

  Is it bad?

• 58:19Andrew Santino?

  Yes, it's very bad.

• 58:19Speaker 05

  Childhood stuff?

• 58:20Andrew Santino?

  Yes, it's very bad.

• 58:20Speaker 05

  Molestation?

• 58:21Andrew Santino?

  It's bad stuff.

• 58:22Speaker 05

  Finger butt?

• 58:23Andrew Santino?

  We're not gonna say what it is, but it's bad stuff.

• 58:24Speaker 05

  Oh, the finger butt sucks, dude, I'm so sorry.

• 58:27Andrew Santino?

  It's finger butt mouth, finger butt mouth.

• 58:28Speaker 05

  Oh, no.

• 58:31Andrew Santino?

  Double down.

• 58:31Speaker 05

  That would make you say the three things, "Help, stop, no, help, stop, no."

• 58:34Andrew Santino?

  Help, stop, no.

• 58:35Speaker 05

  Every time it goes in to a hole. I know all about it, bud, I'm sorry. That's crazy.

• 58:41Andrew Santino?

  He had a crazy event when he was a young man, it fucked him up, I think it fucked up his sleep, it fucked up his life. But we're working through it, we're going to therapy.

• 58:47Speaker 05

  What age were you when it happened?

• 58:47Speaker 06

  It was around, it was high school.

• 58:49Andrew Santino?

  High school, Billy.

• 58:50Speaker 05

  You didn't do it at all as a child? Usually, it's, yeah. Wow, so it's a new thing, you gotta do, do EMDR therapy, have you done EMDR?

• 58:56Andrew Santino?

  He's going to therapy.

• 58:57Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 58:57Andrew Santino?

  We got him in therapy now.

• 58:58Speaker 06

  But also, I would, I would sleepwalk before the, anything that happened. So it's did, but it did start later.

• 59:05Speaker 05

  It just adds, it makes it bad, yeah.

• 59:06Speaker 06

  There's a lot of his anxiety stuff, but then that thing's made it a lot worse.

• 59:10Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 59:11Andrew Santino?

  But he was sleepwalking yelling, and so he was yelling in the cabin at four in the morning, "Stop, no, no, no, no, stop." And I'm sitting there in bed like...

• 59:18Speaker 05

  And you didn't wake him up?

• 59:20Andrew Santino?

  Nah, let him get it out.

• 59:22Speaker 05

  You're just looking at him suffering in the recesses of his own mind?

• 59:26Andrew Santino?

  When he started walking around, I just flipped over, because I was like, I don't wanna watch it. Because it'll creep me out to watch it.

• 59:31Speaker 05

  Do, are his eyes open with his freaky blue eyes?

• 59:34Andrew Santino?

  His eyes aren't open, they're like hap- they're like kinda moving, they're like kinda moving around a lot, yeah.

• 59:39Speaker 06

  They do open though.

• 59:39Speaker 05

  And you're going, "Help, stop, no, help, stop, no."

• 59:41Speaker 06

  In Detroit, a few days later, I sleepwalked a lot when I was traveling, just recently, but I woke up standing, like, when my thumb was shooting pain, like, my thumb still hurts, so I don't know what I did, but I was standing in the corner of my hotel room, and my thigh, I can't like, go back with my thumb, I fucked up my thumb somehow.

• 59:55Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he's a, he's a little, it's, it's not fun to travel with a kid.

• 59:58Speaker 05

  You're a little freak. Do you have a girlfriend or anything?

• 1:00:00Speaker 06

  No.

• 1:00:01Andrew Santino?

  No girlfriend, single.

• 1:00:02Speaker 05

  When you, when you have relationships, do you wake up?

• 1:00:03Speaker 06

  I'm always chill.

• 1:00:04Speaker 05

  Oh, really? Get a dog, dude, the dog helps with everything.

• 1:00:08Speaker 06

  I think I travel too much.

• 1:00:09Andrew Santino?

  He travels too much to have a dog, he's gotta be on call, this guy.

• 1:00:13Speaker 00

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• 1:00:40Speaker 01

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• 1:01:10Speaker 07

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• 1:01:40Andrew Santino?

  She goes with me everywhere. He doesn't have the money to financially support that. He's flying in 26F for real. That's not a bit, that's... Yeah, that's what I was referring to. He was, he was in the middle. Oh. You think we're flying this kid first fucking class? He's 26. I don't know how much you fly around with the pod. We fly a lot, but he gets, he gets a lot of other privileges. He gets to stay in nice hotels often, he gets a nice meals. But, but the first class flight thing, I will, I can't give to him. No. That's too much. No, eventually comfy plush. He could upgrade to comfort. Yeah, he could.

• 1:02:06Speaker 06

  I don't, I sleep.

• 1:02:07Andrew Santino?

  He doesn't, he doesn't care. I've actually offered it.

• 1:02:09Speaker 05

  But you're a child also. How old are you?

• 1:02:10Andrew Santino?

  Twenty-six.

• 1:02:11Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, fuck you.

• 1:02:11Andrew Santino?

  It's not a real thing.

• 1:02:12Speaker 05

  You're not allowed to be up there.

• 1:02:13Andrew Santino?

  Thank you.

• 1:02:13Speaker 05

  I'd piss on you. If I walk by, if there's a twenty-six, piss on you.

• 1:02:16Andrew Santino?

  You know what he's done? Because he's managed to sneak into stuff that he doesn't belong or deserve to be at. Like, he's done this a lot. And I thought about that the other day when I was going down to Chappelle's house and he was like, "Do you want me to come with to film?" I was like, "No, dude, you're not gonna get into this one." "This is not, you're not gonna slide into the Chappelle thing." Because I knew he was like, "I should come down and film." I was like, "I know what you're doing, you little fucking rat." Well, he does it a lot. He gets, the amount of shit that you've been able to do, he shoehorned his way in. Which, by the way, a lot of times, I love having the kid around. He's my son. I can't have kids. This is my son.

• 1:02:47Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 1:02:48Andrew Santino?

  This is my son.

• 1:02:49Speaker 05

  He's a good son. Well, it's not your son if you didn't wake him up when he was going, "Help, stop, no. Help, stop, no." And you were like,

• 1:02:54Andrew Santino?

  No, maybe that's a good parent. Let's him experience it.

• 1:02:56Speaker 05

  That's an Irish dad.

• 1:02:57Andrew Santino?

  That's an Irish dad.

• 1:02:58Speaker 05

  That's an Irish dad.

• 1:02:58Andrew Santino?

  Ah, he'll get through it. Let him yell at the wall for an hour.

• 1:03:01Speaker 05

  That's so scary.

• 1:03:02Andrew Santino?

  Maggie, don't wake him up. Let him get it out. No, it's true, though. Well, actually, his, his, his father and mother, who I know, they blessed me with, I'm an interim father to him. His dad has said that. He says, "Thank you for taking care of my son." And I said, "He's my boy, too. I love the kid. He's me." You know what I mean? He blessed me.

• 1:03:15Speaker 05

  Oh, that's so nice.

• 1:03:16Andrew Santino?

  You know what I mean? He gave me the thing. He's like, "Do the thing." "You're the guy now. I'm the guardian. If they die, I gotta take care of them." Even though he's a grown up. Well, he's a grown up now. But I take care of the boy. I do whatever I can.

• 1:03:26Speaker 05

  He got rid of the mullet.

• 1:03:27Andrew Santino?

  He got rid of the long hair. He donated because he donated for someone that had cancer for wigs for cancer.

• 1:03:32Speaker 05

  How long was it? Was it long enough?

• 1:03:33Andrew Santino?

  It's almost as long as yours.

• 1:03:35Speaker 05

  Oh, wow.

• 1:03:36Andrew Santino?

  Down, it's down to his tits.

• 1:03:37Speaker 05

  You donated it to a particular person?

• 1:03:39Speaker 06

  Well, I was gonna, I was gonna make a wig for my friend's mom, who got, uh, who was going through chemo. And I hit up a wig maker I knew I worked on a set with, like, years ago. I was going through the logistics of that. So, like, I had her wig size, like, shaved all of it off. And I called my buddy and I was like, "Hey, what was your mom's wig size again? I'm about to go, I have my hair in a bag. I'm gonna go to the store and I'm gonna make that."

• 1:03:55Speaker 05

  And he was like, "Don't ever talk to my mother again."

• 1:03:57Speaker 06

  Well, he was like, he was like, "She's done with chemo yesterday." He was like, "I forgot to tell you." And I had the hair in the bag.

• 1:04:02Speaker 05

  But that's the sweetest gesture ever.

• 1:04:03Andrew Santino?

  You still donated the hair, didn't you?

• 1:04:04Speaker 06

  Yeah, but I was like, "I'll just do it the old-fashioned way."

• 1:04:06Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, donated the hair.

• 1:04:07Speaker 05

  That's so nice.

• 1:04:07Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:04:08Andrew Santino?

  You know the funny, the sad thing is they don't take a lot of, a lot of hair, though. They throw a lot of it away.

• 1:04:11Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:04:11Andrew Santino?

  A lot, it's like blood. You know people go to donate blood and they're like, they throw a ton of it away.

• 1:04:15Speaker 06

  But mine was, I had, like, fourteen inches of hair.

• 1:04:17Speaker 05

  They're using that extra blood now to cool AI servers.

• 1:04:21Andrew Santino?

  That's the dopest shit I've ever heard. If that's real, that's amazing.

• 1:04:25Speaker 05

  They take, they take blood that can't be donated because the servers, so they're finding out that it's actually cools the servers faster not to use water because the water just evaporates.

• 1:04:33Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:04:34Speaker 05

  But human blood, or blood, cools it really well.

• 1:04:37Andrew Santino?

  Human blood. We will need human blood to cool the servers.

• 1:04:41Speaker 05

  See, I told somebody.

• 1:04:43Andrew Santino?

  And you know what that means? They're gonna start putting blood into these robots. No, they're gonna kill people. No, they're gonna put the blood into robots.

• 1:04:49Speaker 05

  Robots have now learned to use blood to cool their servers, which means robots are gonna go, oh, we gotta kill all the people.

• 1:04:54Andrew Santino?

  We have to, and we have their blood already. We're good.

• 1:04:56Speaker 05

  See, I said that I could say this on stage and people were like, nobody will believe it.

• 1:05:00Andrew Santino?

  I believe it.

• 1:05:00Speaker 05

  You believe it?

• 1:05:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's rad.

• 1:05:02Speaker 05

  I'm gonna say that on stage.

• 1:05:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:04Speaker 05

  It's not true.

• 1:05:04Andrew Santino?

  Of course not.

• 1:05:05Speaker 05

  But, and then I'm gonna. But people would believe that.

• 1:05:08Andrew Santino?

  Why not? They were gonna throw the blood away and they're using it to cool the servers.

• 1:05:12Speaker 05

  No, it's unacceptable to use human blood to cool AI is literally, it's the step before mass slaughter to cool servers.

• 1:05:19Andrew Santino?

  We're on the way.

• 1:05:20Speaker 05

  We're, I know we're.

• 1:05:21Andrew Santino?

  And you're the one using ChatGPT all the fucking time. Like, you're the one that's in.

• 1:05:23Speaker 05

  Dude, take it over, kill all of us.

• 1:05:25Andrew Santino?

  We need all of your blood to cool our servers.

• 1:05:27Speaker 05

  I've lost my, especially being in LA, I've lost all faith in humanity. Listening to the way your men walk around.

• 1:05:36Speaker 05

  And the women being like, I set my boundary with that guy and he said that he never wanted to see me again. You know what? Good riddance.

• 1:05:42Andrew Santino?

  I like how you've said like, that girl isn't in New York. These girls are in New York.

• 1:05:46Speaker 05

  In New York, it's like this. In New York, it's like, oh, and Trump is just the worst man ever and I can't even, sorry about the Jew voice. And I can't even believe that he's gonna fucking run for office.

• 1:05:55Andrew Santino?

  How are we supposed to function?

• 1:05:56Speaker 05

  He's gonna make a totalitarian regime. That's literally everybody in New York.

• 1:06:00Andrew Santino?

  But you know how many girls are at fucking nice coffee shops in New York that are doing the same bull, women are having the same conversation all over the United States.

• 1:06:06Speaker 05

  If they, if they opened their ears, if you listen to men and women, you would see how shitty my gender is. Men are literally being like, I'm gonna invest in Bitcoin. I'm building a cabin upstate. I think that AI technology is gonna move on to retrograde. And then you listen to women and it's just all about men. Men are not talking about women at all.

• 1:06:23Andrew Santino?

  Never.

• 1:06:24Speaker 05

  Men are even rarely being like, look at dad ass anymore.

• 1:06:26Andrew Santino?

  No, we don't want to look at that ass.

• 1:06:28Speaker 05

  No.

• 1:06:28Andrew Santino?

  No, not interested in that ass.

• 1:06:30Speaker 05

  Not interested in talking about it.

• 1:06:31Andrew Santino?

  That ass has dividends? No, I'm, I want ROI.

• 1:06:33Speaker 05

  Dividends.

• 1:06:34Andrew Santino?

  I need ROI.

• 1:06:35Speaker 05

  I don't know what that means, but yes.

• 1:06:36Andrew Santino?

  I need an ROI. How can I, what can I do with that?

• 1:06:38Speaker 05

  You need a hep cap.

• 1:06:39Andrew Santino?

  That's not Merrill Lynch. I need to see Merrill Lynch.

• 1:06:41Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 1:06:42Andrew Santino?

  That's the only girl I'm interested in.

• 1:06:43Speaker 05

  That's what men are talking about. And women are all like, I saw this inspo online that basically said that he's not worth your time if he's a a bad guy. And that, that's it. That's all we're talking about.

• 1:06:54Andrew Santino?

  You are always talking about men. I said that one night to my wife. I was like, listen to what these bitches are talking about. They're not talking about anybo- they're not talking about each other or their experiences. They're both talking about a guy that they were both seeing.

• 1:07:03Speaker 05

  Until that stops, we are the second sex. We must stop it. It must stop.

• 1:07:07Andrew Santino?

  You said it, lady.

• 1:07:08Speaker 06

  The Bechdel test?

• 1:07:09Andrew Santino?

  What?

• 1:07:09Speaker 06

  The Bechdel test?

• 1:07:10Andrew Santino?

  The Bechdel test, yeah.

• 1:07:12Speaker 05

  What's that? The film thing?

• 1:07:13Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's a, when you, how women are portrayed in media, they talk about men only. Like if you watch a rom com.

• 1:07:19Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they only talk about men and guess what? Cause it's real. You guys cut that out.

• 1:07:23Speaker 05

  Yeah, but that's bi- biological too.

• 1:07:24Andrew Santino?

  Hey, you cut that out, we'll let you do something.

• 1:07:25Speaker 05

  We had to do that. Monkeys, we had to be like, bro, that alpha male totally ate his baby's foot the other day. Don't go near that guy. And we'd be like, oh my God, yeah, he's so crazy.

• 1:07:31Andrew Santino?

  You don't gotta do it anymore. You have to grow.

• 1:07:32Speaker 05

  We don't have to do it anymore, but we have to evolve. The problem is the evolution is very hard to evolve away from. It's slow.

• 1:07:38Andrew Santino?

  Some things you should keep, like rubbing the face in the ground, Coyote. And some things, you don't keep, Coyote, like killing random people.

• 1:07:45Speaker 05

  What do we keep as women though, honestly?

• 1:07:47Andrew Santino?

  Uh, your ability, your, your, I think your foresight is incredible.

• 1:07:51Speaker 05

  Yeah, foresight. Socialization. We're way more social than you.

• 1:07:54Andrew Santino?

  Well, you're good at, you're good at netting and grouping, however.

• 1:07:56Speaker 05

  The women's bathroom?

• 1:07:57Andrew Santino?

  Within those groupings though, inner war is very toxic.

• 1:08:01Speaker 05

  See, you guys think that. Can I tell you something? It seems to- toxic, but, okay, when I went to jail, I went to jail and my buddy went to jail in the same time, cause we both got caught. He went into the male jail and it was so, he was like, I couldn't say one word because I was worried I was gonna get the shit kicked out of me. Not one man was looking at each other. We avoided eye contact. It was all this like. Violence, the women were, got mad at me at one point because I asked them what they were in for, then loved me because I apologized, then we all became friends, then we agreed to go have a potluck later, like, women, it seems like war, but it's just because we're saying stuff.

• 1:08:34Andrew Santino?

  This is exhausting. I'd rather go, "That man will kill me, we're not cool."

• 1:08:37Speaker 05

  But that's still war is what I'm arguing. It's still war.

• 1:08:40Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but ours is more tactical.

• 1:08:42Speaker 05

  But ours gets to love faster than yours does.

• 1:08:44Andrew Santino?

  But it took, but it, but it takes a while to get there and you gotta go through hoops.

• 1:08:47Speaker 05

  Yeah, but you're in jail for 24 hours, you're stuck with these women, you're stuck with those men, wouldn't you rather talk, make some friends?

• 1:08:51Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no, no. 24 hours in jail, so I don't want to talk to those people.

• 1:08:53Speaker 05

  Just sitting.

• 1:08:54Andrew Santino?

  Thinking about how I get out of there. What am I gonna do when I get out of here?

• 1:08:56Speaker 05

  You're gonna get out of there. You know you're gonna get out.

• 1:08:58Andrew Santino?

  Okay, if I know I'm getting out in 24 hours, what am I doing the first thing I do when I get out? That's all I'm thinking about, like, man, I have shit to do tomorrow when I get out of here.

• 1:09:03Speaker 05

  What do you mean, you gotta live in the moment? We played games, we learned, we traded salt for pep, pep.

• 1:09:06Andrew Santino?

  No, I'm not interested in these people.

• 1:09:07Speaker 05

  What?

• 1:09:08Andrew Santino?

  No. I'm, I'm not interested in these people. We're in there for crimes.

• 1:09:12Speaker 05

  You gotta be.

• 1:09:13Andrew Santino?

  Buddy up to criminals. I don't, I don't need these people. They're not my friends.

• 1:09:16Speaker 05

  You're a criminal, you're in there.

• 1:09:18Andrew Santino?

  I'm not like them, dad.

• 1:09:19Speaker 05

  You're the same. You're the same. But I'm just saying, war amongst men is way more lethal because you kill each other.

• 1:09:25Andrew Santino?

  Prison would be different. If I was in there for an extended period of time, yes, I have to make alliances, I have to form a group, and you know who I'm going with. Say it with me.

• 1:09:33Speaker 05

  Dominicans.

• 1:09:34Andrew Santino?

  Neo-Nazis. Or Dominicans, yes. The Dominicans, yeah, of course. Get out of here, San Tito! This motherfucker's funny, right? You like this guy? He gonna pull, eh, wha, wha, wha, wha, wha, show him your pills. Watch, look at your pills, look at it, it's on fire, right?

• 1:09:48Speaker 05

  I finally wrote a joke where I get to do a Dominican accent, I'm so happy about it.

• 1:09:52Andrew Santino?

  What is the joke? Don't tell it on this, can you? If you want to. Yeah, do it.

• 1:09:55Speaker 05

  But, well, I just do an imitation of my cleaning lady, because I basically say I'm done cleaning. Like, I've, I've, my entire life I've tried to be a woman that cleans, and I got a Dominican lady. So I get to do an impression of her finding my fucked up things.

• 1:10:05Andrew Santino?

  Let me hear you.

• 1:10:06Speaker 05

  I'm not gonna do it.

• 1:10:07Andrew Santino?

  Ah, I wanna hear it.

• 1:10:08Speaker 05

  I took all your tuna cans and I put them in a little stack, you said to keep them for your little art project, so I kept them for you, and, and I won't do the last part of the joke.

• 1:10:15Andrew Santino?

  Don't do the last part. You'll have to watch the special.

• 1:10:18Speaker 05

  No, it's not on the special.

• 1:10:18Andrew Santino?

  It's not on the special, you have to go see it live. Uh, go, go see the special right now, it's available, uh, all over the place.

• 1:10:25Speaker 05

  Click it. Just click on it and watch it.

• 1:10:26Andrew Santino?

  Please watch it, it's on Netflix.

• 1:10:27Speaker 05

  You have to get to the end, though, the big, the big thing that men need to know is the end.

• 1:10:31Andrew Santino?

  She reveals how big her clit is at the end.

• 1:10:32Speaker 05

  You know my clit's reasonable.

• 1:10:34Speaker 03

  Not what I heard.

• 1:10:35Speaker 05

  My clit is reasonable, my pubic mound is big. Isn't that interesting?

• 1:10:40Andrew Santino?

  Dude, you should've called your, my pubic mound is big.

• 1:10:42Speaker 05

  It's too puffy.

• 1:10:43Andrew Santino?

  You got a puffer there.

• 1:10:44Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's a little puffy, okay.

• 1:10:45Andrew Santino?

  It's perfectly fine.

• 1:10:46Speaker 05

  Really?

• 1:10:46Andrew Santino?

  That looks normal to me. I don't know, man, I don't have a good gauge on the puff.

• 1:10:50Speaker 05

  But some women have the snare drum.

• 1:10:52Andrew Santino?

  Tight.

• 1:10:56Speaker 05

  Not mine, mine is bum ba din din di di bum bum bum.

• 1:10:59Andrew Santino?

  Well, go see, uh, Puffy, go see the, uh, go see the Puffer Alive.

• 1:11:03Speaker 05

  Jordan Pufferston.

• 1:11:04Andrew Santino?

  Jordan Pufferston is all over the place, uh, go to jordanjensen.com.

• 1:11:08Speaker 05

  Yeah, no, jordan, punchup.live.

• 1:11:09Andrew Santino?

  Punchup.live, said Jordan Jensen, if you Google it, you're gonna get tickets. Go see the special, watch it right now, we end the episode the same way. Look into that camera, say one word or one phrase whenever you're ready.

• 1:11:17Speaker 05

  Crevice.

• 1:11:19Speaker 03

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

• 1:11:24Speaker 04

  You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a huge a. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey, seventy-five dollars for the horse. Ginger's, oh hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger, I like gingers.