He’s Not “Just a Bad Texter”

This week, Alex breaks down how to handle texting in the early stages of a relationship. She talks about why texting can create a false sense of closeness, and how to avoid slipping into pen-pal mode. She also shares when it’s okay to tell a partner about your past relationship mistakes, and how to avoid dumping your emotional baggage onto them. Finally, she discusses staying level-headed when you’re angry at a friend, and how to navigate a breakup when your partner did nothing wrong. Enjoy!

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ross. Fall is about finding pieces you love, making them your own and creating looks and spaces just right for the season. Whether you're updating a small apartment or a spacious home, drawn to timeless neutrals or bold seasonal touches, Ross makes it easy to imagine what's next and bring your fall vision to life. Ross makes fashion accessible to all with up to 20 to 60% off other retailers' prices on the brands you love. Find your nearest Ross at rossstores.com. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Stouffer's. Let me tell you something. When I am hungry and I am trying to figure out what to eat, sometimes you can just actually become so, you're angry. You're like, I am busy,

• 0:46Alex Cooper?

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• 1:12Speaker 01

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• 1:36Speaker 02

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• 1:43Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ashley. Okay, so whenever I am picking new furniture for my house or redesigning a room, it is so important to me to make sure that it also is cohesive with the rest of my house and the vibe that I'm feeling. And I think filling your home with beautiful durable pieces from Ashley will help you create a backdrop for growing family's biggest memories, right? You want your home to feel cozy and you want it to feel like you and thanks to features like stain resistant performance fabric even the messiest memories will be easy to clean so visit your local store or head to ashley.com to find your style daddy gang welcome back to another Sunday session with

• 2:27Alex Cooper?

  your father I am so excited to be back with you guys and to spend this lovely lovely Sunday just you and me I woke up this morning to probably one of the best texts that a girl can get from one of her single girlfriends it was a screenshot of the conversation my friend was having with the guy that she recently started seeing and she asked me what should I say now this type of shit is my Super Bowl like in this moment I'm fucking stretching I'm warming up my thumbs I'm asking for more screenshots I'm like send me more contacts send me all the things like

• 3:12Alex Cooper?

  I'm setting up a game plan in this moment this is the shit I fucking love like do we want him to ask you out again right like I'm setting the scene of like what do we want out of this right like do we want to start sexting in this moment do we need a one liner to kind of put him in his place like what is exactly is our objective here and all my friends know I fucking love this shit so I'm always the person that they ask for this advice basically he had asked her what her plans were for the weekend so what she needed was for us to kind of craft the perfect answer that made her sound not too available but it still left a little room for him to like ask her out on

• 3:52Alex Cooper?

  another date and after a few texts back and forth we successfully secured my friend a Sunday brunch date and I am now on standby ready to go for the next texting round Sunday morning fat this cow land do do do do do do do do every Sunday's father's day

• 4:18Speaker 03

  That was pretty good, right?

• 4:20Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Airbnb. So the other day I was just scrolling on my phone and one of those one year ago today notifications popped up. I usually don't pay much attention to them, but when I saw it was from my Napa trip with Lauren. I obviously had to go back through every single photo. I remember we drove up to Napa for a weekend and found the cutest farmhouse on Airbnb to stay in. The location could not have been more perfect. It was right by a vineyard and overlooked this beautiful golf course, which yes, Matt was very jealous of. During the day, we went wine tasting like a little cute couple.

• 5:05Alex Cooper?

  Then we brought our favorite bottles back to the house at night for cozy, long girl talks on the couch. Obviously, I haven't had a drink in forever since being pregnant, so I cannot wait for wine nights again soon with my girlfriends. And now that holiday travel season is finally here, all of my group chats are going off with everyone trying to coordinate dates and just figure out where we're going to stay and where we're going to go next. But looking back through those photos reminded me that some of the best parts of a trip happen back at the house, right? Like, that's why I love booking a home on Airbnb. It literally gives everyone space to just spread out and it makes every trip feel more relaxed.

• 5:49Alex Cooper?

  You can even order groceries, which I love, for your trip through Airbnb and have everything from breakfast essentials to holiday snacks delivered after you arrive. If you're planning your Thanksgiving trip or any holiday travel this season, definitely check out Airbnb before you book. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ross. Fall is about finding pieces you love, making them your own and creating looks and spaces just right for the season. Whether you're updating a small apartment or a spacious home, drawn to timeless neutrals or bold seasonal touches, Ross makes it easy to imagine what's next and bring your fall vision to life.

• 6:28Alex Cooper?

  Ross makes fashion accessible to all with up to 20 to 60% off other retailers' prices on the brands you love. Find your nearest Ross at rossstores.com. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by SoFi, the everything app for smarter money. If your money is scattered across five different apps you never open, you're not in control. Your money should move you forward. With SoFi, you get award-winning banking, investing, borrowing, and more all-in-one app. So you finally know where your money is. Make your first move with SoFi Checking and Savings. Competitive APY, no account fees, a bonus when you join with eligible direct deposit. Terms apply. SoFi Bank, NA Member FDIC. When you're ready to invest or pay off that debt,

• 7:13Alex Cooper?

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• 7:32Alex Cooper?

  Here's the thing that I was thinking about and I kind of want to talk about right now. It's like, as sad as it may be, the truth is texting can genuinely make or break a new potential relationship. That's a fact. This is the day and age that we live in. I know people may fucking hate it. Sometimes I do too, but it's the reality of the situation. If you are texting too much, or not texting enough, or he doesn't get your tone, or the cadence is off, it can literally make it feel like there is incompatibility and there is an issue that may actually not even exist there in real life. But the texting is the thing that is completely fucking the whole thing up.

• 8:13Alex Cooper?

  And this is why I personally feel really strong that in the initial stages of dating, the majority of your conversations need to be face-to-face. And I know sometimes that's not as easy as we want it to be, but like, it is imperative that you are majority in the beginning face-to-face. And when it comes to texting someone that you are in the early stages of seeing, less, which I've learned throughout my years, less is so, so, so much more. Again, depending on the relationship you're going for. If you're just going to like, have the fuck boy and you want him to like, talk to you and you want to get into the plans, sure, texting can be like a game changer. But if you're looking for a real, genuine relationship,

• 8:58Alex Cooper?

  is what I'm talking about here today, daddy gang. Texting less is more texting. In my opinion, can really blur the lines in terms of getting to know someone. It can create this like false sense of closeness and you may end up falling for a version of this person that doesn't actually exist. Right? Like when you're texting someone, you're not really talking to them the way that you would in real life. They are curating their side of the conversation. They have time to craft the perfect message back to you. There's also a chance that they're not even the one that is sending it. Maybe their best friend aka me is the one coming up with the response. And that is actually the fucking person that you're texting.

• 9:41Alex Cooper?

  You're not actually texting the person that you had sex with the other night. You're texting their best friend. Which like, you know, we are one in the same, but that's not the fucking point. Okay. In real life, there is a natural flow that tells you if you guys click, right? But over text, you can just never tell if the chemistry is actually real, or is it like, God, we have such good texting banter chemistry. And I know sometimes texting can be a lot, and it can almost feel like the security blanket in the early days of dating, especially emphasis on especially before the first date. It can make you feel way less nervous to go and fucking meet

• 10:24Alex Cooper?

  a random person. Like, yeah, I'm gonna want to have a good amount of texting before I like randomly show up and be like, hey, Bob, like, we want to have a little inside joke already. Like, there's things that I totally get leaning into texting before you meet someone. It gives you reassurance that you will be able to even have a fucking conversation with them when you actually meet them in person. So I totally get that. But I think it comes to a point where the constant texting, it then just makes it almost awkward in person, like light on the awkward. It depends, but it could be kind of awkward in person because you don't really know this guy. But now you feel like you do because you're having these long, deep paragraph conversations. And then you meet

• 11:07Alex Cooper?

  in person again, and it's like your third date, and you've like had some like really honest conversations on text. But then one of you is not really leaning as much because you're kind of a coward because you're like, that was easy to say on text. And now I don't know how to say it in person. Like, it's confusing. It's genuinely confusing. So you really only need to be texting someone, in my opinion. In early stages to just coordinate the next time that you're going to see each other. And like, obviously, a couple nice follow-ups of like, that was so fun. I'm so happy we got to hang out, like, let's do it again sometime. And then like, maybe one quick check-in to be like, how was your day-to-day? Blah, blah, blah. And then like, when are we seeing each other again? There doesn't need to be this long span of texting. Like, when you're waking up and texting someone all day, daddy gang,

• 11:54Alex Cooper?

  and I don't mean to hurt your feelings, because I have been there. That's a pen pal. That's a pen pal. I remember I had a seventh grade pen pal that like, my teacher set up for us, though, in like, a different country, and we would like, write to our pen pals. Like, we don't need that. You know what I mean? Like, you don't need a man with a dick that you're trying to actually have a relationship with to become your pen pal. And it, honestly, it can become extremely boring extremely fast, or it can be the opposite, where it's so thrilling. You talk about fucking everything and more, and your trauma, and your wants, and your needs, and your... And then you're literally about to go on your second date, and you've texting-wise already covered A to fucking Z, they know everything about your life. Then you're kind of like, what else is left? Like, you can only, think about this.

• 12:38Alex Cooper?

  You can only ask someone, how did you sleep so many times before it's like, what are we doing here? I actually don't give a fuck how you slept, because it's past seventeen times I've asked you. You said, great. Like, I totally get it, can be fun to have someone to text. Let's be really honest about the current stage of life that we're in. Everyone is addicted to their phones. And it can be really nice to have someone to text, especially on days where you're bored, or you're feeling lonely. But then I think we need to realize, like, this person is just filling a void for you, and that is not a good way to enter into a potential real relationship, right? Like, and listen, like, there is no shame in doing this, because again, I have been guilty of doing it. I remember...

• 13:23Alex Cooper?

  So in my early twenties, I was in one of those phases. I'd gotten out a long-term relationship and we all know how that goes. You get so used to texting your boyfriend all the time. And then he was gone and I was single and I was like, I'm just looking for some attention and some companionship. And so I saw this guy on a dating app and we both started talking on the dating app and we transitioned into texting. And he was in the NFL. He was hot. He had tattoos. He was tall. He was successful. And I was super interested in him. Like I was like, oh my God, this guy is like everything I needed in my twenties. But he didn't live in the state that I lived in. So early days, we started just texting.

• 14:07Alex Cooper?

  All of the talking that we were doing was just texting. And then at first, the texting was so fun. You guys, we were sending fucking paragraphs like I just referenced. Like we were obsessed with each other. Like I would literally get my fucking dinner in and I would sit down and I would like craft my next paragraph, send it. And then he would sometimes answer in 30 seconds. Or we would like give it 30 minutes and then we were back to he would send his paragraph. And it was like, oh my God. What I wish I could have said is Alex, that's your pen pal, honey. That's your fucking pen pal. Why are you, if you are putting your fucking thumbs to work for a paragraph that is not making you money?

• 14:48Alex Cooper?

  Stop. Let's just, let's put that into action. Daddy gang, anyone on the internet, if you think about that. Why are we spending that much? Pick up the phone, go see them in person. Oh, you can't because they won't take you on a date? Then stop fucking putting sweat equity into a fucking text. That's gonna do nothing for you. Nothing for you. We're just fucking mailing it in. We're like, let me give you my funniest one-liners. Let me fucking tell you my life story. For what? For what? It's gonna go fucking nowhere. It's a fun little pen pal fling that was a fucking love romance on a fucking text chain. And then poof, then you're bored. You're like, we've literally talked about every single fucking thing and I haven't even met you yet?

• 15:31Alex Cooper?

  Done. So obviously you know where the story goes. The texting then got boring. But then we went on to voice notes. Oh, voice notes. Great. Loving it. Then the voice notes got boring. Okay? So then I tried sexting him naturally. The only thing you can do where you're like, where do I pivot? Where do I pivot? Pussy. We started sexting, that got boring. Then we started FaceTime sex, but it was only FaceTime sex. We weren't like having FaceTimes and talking. It would be like, we'd start sexting and then it'd be like, "Okay, okay, okay." And then we'd get on FaceTime sex and it would basically just be like, "Finish." And then like the phone would land in the pillow and then like, I don't know who ended up hanging up each time, but like, we never talked much, okay?

• 16:14Alex Cooper?

  The point is, then it finally got to the point of like, "Okay, we need to plan to meet up, right? We gotta meet up." And then we finally ended up meeting up in person and I realized why everything was getting boring and every part of it was getting stale and why I felt like I kept having to ramping shit up, was because this man and I had zero fucking chemistry. He was not fucking interesting, in my opinion. He was really fucking dumb. He was really dumb. He was, and I was glamorizing this man across the country that played in the NFL and I was like, "Oh my God, you're stupid." We cannot intellectually connect and that's fine. Like, that's totally fine.

• 16:56Alex Cooper?

  But like, oh my God, how did I last almost six months?

• 17:02Alex Cooper?

  Mentally not well on the head, but like, how did I last that long? We had nothing to fucking talk about in person. Now I've wasted months of my life getting excited about him and thinking about where things could go, when I could have been prioritizing someone actually in my city that I could have started dating and I actually could have clicked with in real fucking life, but the texting got so in my head, cuz it was good, cuz no one is that fucking real on text. Think about that. I started this whole fucking story at the beginning being like, "My best friend fucking told me, what should I respond to this?" What, well, what I should fucking say to her is like, "What do you wanna respond?" But like, "No, that's not fun. It's the part of the game, right? But when do you stop the game and transition to real?"

• 17:44Alex Cooper?

  I also wanna clarify, like, this isn't to say that relationships can't start out long distance and start out on text, right? Because you guys know Matt and I were long distance at first. But I think the key difference of why I look back of like, why did Matt and I work compared to me and that NFL guy, aside from like IQ, was Matt and I had like actual deep in-person conversations before we had to virtually try and get to know each other. We established our rhythm and got to know each other as real human beings. We had in-person dates. We were physically connecting and emotionally connecting in person. And I think that's honestly the reason why we were able to work out even with long distance. Also, I will say another

• 18:29Alex Cooper?

  point of why I guess it worked is that Matt and I were not texting all day, every day when we were apart. We kind of saved talking about our days and catching up on things until we set time to have FaceTime calls at night. So like, we would basically not talk all day, and then it basically left us room to miss each other throughout the day. And then we would get on FaceTime and talk for like an hour to two every single night. But I think when you're just non-stop texting, you get addicted to the rush of hearing your phone buzz, and it's hard to tell how you're actually feeling about the guy because it's this excitement of like, I wonder what he said to me. You're really, it's almost just a mirror. You're really just kind of seeing like, was my text good enough to respond to?

• 19:12Alex Cooper?

  What is he gonna say to my joke? How did he respond to it? Like, we're looking for validation in a really fucking weird way. And I think especially with social media, we've gotten so used to like, how many likes did I get? How many views did it get? I do think it's kind of trickling into our relationship with men on texting of like, how fast is he replying? Like, it's all almost this like, game that's getting a little unhealthy. I also think texting only really flows once you do get to know someone's tone. And I, like, I personally have a really dry sense of humor, and there were guys, I remember when I was single, where I would be texting in the early stages, and they just like completely did not understand when I was joking about something. I remember there was this one hockey

• 19:56Alex Cooper?

  player, he was a Leo and I was a Leo, and it was like a fucking disaster. And in the beginning days, I was like, oh, I think we're gonna like, hate fuck each other. Because we, like, I would send a genuinely funny sarcastic joke, I thought, and then he would be like, what's your fucking problem? And I was like, oh my god, no, like- I'm like, it was a joke and he's like, why is everything a fucking joke to you? And then I would be like, oh my God, like, I'm, I'm so sorry. I wasn't like joking about that with like your family. Like, I thought you had joked about it before. And then meanwhile, I didn't know. He was being like, yeah, I know, I'm kidding. And then I'm literally like about to shit myself being like, this man thinks I'm actually a terrorist. And meanwhile, he's like fucking with me back.

• 20:40Alex Cooper?

  Completely went over both of our heads though, and we both eventually did want to kill each other. And it was like, we did hate fuck each other. And then it went nowhere because the texting set us up for this like aggro relationship where we like actually couldn't find our rhythm and dance. And to be fair, I was so sexually attracted to this person. But had our relationship not started on texting and we had just gone on a fucking date before and just hung out and talked. I would have understood that he is a sarcastic fuck like me. But on text, I thought, I'm like, Jesus Christ, this man is so fucking emotional half the time. Why can't he take a joke? He was. And then he was being even darker than me back to me. And I then didn't get it. And then he didn't get it. And it was a disaster. Okay?

• 21:24Alex Cooper?

  So the point is, is I think this can lead to issues that truly might end a potentially good relationship before it even starts, Daddy Gang. You could drive yourself crazy wondering if a guy doesn't like you because you are reading into a text that he didn't even fucking think twice about sending just because the tone got lost. Okay? RIP to me at 25. Shout out. Really thinking I was like getting berated over text. He was having a chuckle over a glass of fucking vodka. Okay? I was like, oh my God, had only I had been in person, I would have understood it. And now that isn't to say that you can't tell if a guy is into you or not when you're texting.

• 22:07Alex Cooper?

  Because there are definitely signs that you can look out for Daddy Gang. But it isn't him texting you, "Good morning, beautiful" every fucking morning. Because he may have 17 other beautifuls that he's copying, pasting to. You guys know, one of my exes. I was like, oh my God, he would call me, "Good morning, beautiful. Good morning, sugar tits. Good morning." Queen of my world, like, good morning, whatever the fuck. I mean, this guy was creative. And little did I know, when I got a hold of his fucking passwords, which I did, it was actually the craziest, like, you think this is like lies, when you see girls online being like, he was doing it to thirty two other women. No, he was doing it to thirty two other women. And it's, good morning, beautiful, good morning, beautiful, good morning, beautiful, good morning.

• 22:52Alex Cooper?

  I'm like, oh, my God. It's almost like he downloaded an app that it was like, send every blonde in my phone, boom, blast off, hundreds of texts every fucking morning. And then whoever answered, he would engage with, like, it's real, daddy gang. So don't get it fucking twisted. When you get the good morning, beautiful, I'm not trying to make you feel like, okay, Alex, I thought he really liked me. He might, but we have to be realistic about what's going on. Okay, there is a chance that that freak behind the fucking phone, he could be laying next to a fucking bitch while he's sending you that. So you have to be cautious. Okay, you just need to look, in my opinion, at the real effort he is putting in when you guys are apart. And it is not a good morning, beautiful. Does he check in when he knew you had a big day?

• 23:37Alex Cooper?

  Right? It's not just on his time of like, what's up? Like, what are you up to? It's, oh, he remembered last week that I told him that I was going to see my grandma. We hadn't talked for twelve years, and this was a make or break before she croaked. Like, that is the kind of shit that you need to be like, does he remember I'm on my way to see Nan? And like, what's going on with me and Nan? And he, and he's like, hey, had you and Nan's convo go? And he's not just sending you a blanket, hey, how was your day? It's like, I don't know, Marty, what do you think happened to me this day? I told you four days ago what I was gonna be doing. Does he remember the shit you tell him? Is he asking you questions when you're having conversations?

• 24:18Alex Cooper?

  Like, are you just lightly engaging in a pretty blank conversation you could be having with anyone? Or is it very specific where he's remembering things about you and asking you questions back to yourself? I know this sounds really, really, really fucking straightforward, but you guys, if you pause, like, trust me, there are so many men that I look back and I'm like, oh, my God. Oh, my God, he never asked me a really intimate question that pertained to me.

• 24:45Alex Cooper?

  He could have thought I was Alex from the club, not Alex from the bar. Like, he doesn't know which Alex I am in his phone. You know what I mean? Like, is he texting to set dates for your next date? Like, is he even asking to see you? Or is he just constantly being like, oh, my God, I miss you. I can't, like, we need to see each other soon. But it's never legit. It's very just like, oh, my God, I know, we gotta get to it. Get to it. What are you doing tomorrow? Oh, oh, I don't know. Non-committal, get him the fuck out the door. Like, that is the way a guy can show you over text that he likes you. Personalizing things, connecting with you, remembering shit. Okay, because I don't care how many sweet things that he says

• 25:28Alex Cooper?

  or how many fucking dick pics to the ground he's sending. He is not that into you unless he's actively putting in effort, again, to see you, daddy gang, in fucking person. There is no such thing as a guy being just a bad texter, right? Like, I can say that Matt was a horrible fucking texter, but I'd never even said that because, my God, every five fucking minutes, the guy was like trying to FaceTime me. So I never even thought that he was a bad texter because of how engaged he was on phone calls and on FaceTimes. But if you're only relying on text to communicate with this man and he's doing a bad job, babe, like, raise the bar by a fucking centimeter. You know what I mean?

• 26:10Alex Cooper?

  Like, if he only texts you when he's bored and never makes real plans, he isn't a bad texter. He does not care about you. He probably has your fucking number saved as bigtits1 and he keeps getting confused with bigtits2. He's like, which one was that? Was that the one from the fucking amusement park that I was standing next to as I was ordering my hot dog? Or is that the one that was at the fucking NASCAR race when I was with all my fucking boys? Like, which one was bigtit1? I forget. Who cares? I want to fuck them both. If his texting is so fucking minimal, but he puts in the effort to make a plan, that's the only reason he's texting you, and then he fucks off?

• 26:51Alex Cooper?

  Perfect. Ideal. Let's, I would take, rather take that than a million fucking paragraphs. Whoa, whoa, whoa, beginning, middle, end. And then it's like... You wanna hang out on Tuesday? Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so busy with work. Like, truly spare me. All you need to know is the next time that you're going to see him and you can save the rest for when you are face to face. Okay, daddy gang. I honestly think it's kind of a turn off, in my opinion. If a guy has too much time to text you every day, all day, what are you doing? Like, let's get a job. Let's have a fucking hobby. Like, it is a little concerning if he's only texting you all the time. So to the girls that actually aren't getting texts back, like,

• 27:36Alex Cooper?

  you should feel amazing right now. You are hopefully fucking guys that have jobs. I'm just kidding. He probably also doesn't like you, but you know what I mean? Like, there's gotta be a balance. So do not double text a man. Don't try to see what he's up to all day. Just put your phone down. Go buy a lottery ticket and see how you feel on your real life dates. Just be busy. Be busy looking for a different guy. Like, when you're at the coffee shop, be busy. Put that phone in your pocket. We're busy looking for a different dick. And if he's texting you, you're busy. We're always busy. Okay? How boring if we're just looking at our texts all day, waiting for him. We're not waiting for him. The biggest thing is just prioritize.

• 28:21Alex Cooper?

  You have to get to know each other in person. And if you get to know each other in person, you enjoy each other in person. Boom, bada bing, we're good. But if you're falling in love over text, AKA 22-year-old Alex,

• 28:35Alex Cooper?

  sweetie, you're in the fucking gutter. Okay? He hates you and he's using you and wake the fuck up. Okay? If you have good communication in real life, then texting really doesn't fucking matter, is what I've realized. And you shouldn't be putting too much mental energy into it. So next time you wanna text a guy just because you're bored, just please write into me.

• 28:55Speaker 03

  Instead, okay, that's a perfect way to just swerve that little fucking piece of shit dickhead who hasn't texted you in five days, but you're still triple texting him because you're like, "Ah, his phone service must be down. Ah, he must have lost his phone. Ah, his phone plan's dead. Ah, he got a new phone. Ah, he lost it. Oh my god, he forgot. He lost my number." He didn't. He has your number. He knows exactly where you are and he hasn't texted you because he doesn't want to text you. And the only reason that he hasn't texted you is because you guys have sent so many paragraphs to each other that he feels like he knows you inside and out, that he doesn't even need to get inside of you, because he's basically been inside of you. And it wasn't that interesting, because it was over text. Get in person. Get the fuck in their daddy gang. Okay, that's my TED Talk. Um, let's answer some.

• 29:41Speaker 03

  Let's answer some. Let's answer some. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wanna go. I wanna go on a ride. I wanna go. I wanna go to a place. I wanna go to a place I feel free. I wanna go to a place that has escargot. I wanna go to a place that has men who look at me with their cigarettes and wanna fuck me upside down in the Eiffel Tower. I wanna go to a little place I like to go. Questions, questions, questions of the motherfucking, the motherfucking, the motherfucking

• 30:24Speaker 03

  chalk, down, derota, down, chalk. I wanna go. I wanna go to Paris. I wanna go to the end of the world for you. I'm gonna text you because I love you and I wanna fuck you. I don't know where this is going. How do I transition to a French accent? I want to go to a little place I like to fucking go. Questions of the mother, the mother, the motherfucking week. Questions of the mother. Questions of the motherfucking week. I'm so sorry. Um, let me answer some of your questions. Here we go.

• 31:18Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ross. Fall is about finding pieces you love, making them your own and creating looks and spaces just right for the season. Whether you're updating a small apartment or a spacious home, drawn to timeless neutrals or bold seasonal touches, Ross makes it easy to imagine what's next and bring your fall vision to life. Ross makes fashion accessible to all with up to 20 to 60% off other retailers' prices on the brands you love. Find your nearest Ross at rossstores.com. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by SoFi, the everything app for smarter money. If your money is scattered across five different apps you never open, you're not in control.

• 32:02Alex Cooper?

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• 32:46Alex Cooper?

  "Hi Alex, I cheated on my ex during a year abroad. I know it was wrong, but we weren't right for each other and I was young and immature. Now I've been with my current boyfriend for almost four years. He knows everything about me except this. I'm not sure if I should tell him. Part of me feels like I want to be fully honest, but I'm worried about how this might affect us. What do you think I should do?" Whoa, okay. Um, you should absolutely not tell him. Like, not because I'm encouraging secrecy within a relationship. I just feel like...

• 33:20Alex Cooper?

  Here's why you would tell him is if you just started dating this man, you guys are getting serious and you're getting to the point in your relationship as most relationships should, which I encourage everyone to do, is you start talking about your past because when you are about to take the next step in a relationship and get more serious, you want to understand who someone has been with and what were things that hurt them and things that worked for them and things that they never want to repeat or whatever. And if your boyfriend at the time was like, have you ever cheated? That would have been the right time to be like, yes, and I regret it so much and blah, blah, blah, blah, and tell the story. But babe, you're four years into dating this man.

• 34:01Alex Cooper?

  From what you've written, he hasn't brought this up. He hasn't asked you. So my fear for you is you are having this level of guilt for whatever reason this is coming back up for you. And you're almost feeling like you need to tell him for whatever that guilt is bringing up. My problem with that is like, put yourself in his shoes. Imagine one day he's fucking making you avocado toast and you're just like, hey, I just wanted to let you know because like I never told you this and I want to be honest with you like, I cheated on my last boyfriend.

• 34:38Alex Cooper?

  He'd be like trying to like finish spreading the avocado and he's like, okay. And it's like, well, I just want to be honest with you because I know like I never told you that I had cheated before. Where is this man's head gonna go? Four years into a relationship, you know where my head would go is, okay, so do you want to finish the sentence? Are you saying you cheated on me? Do you know what I mean? Like, I think sometimes the guilt that we have and listen, sometimes guilt can come in such weird ways and we can have random things that trigger memories of like, I have it sometimes of like past relationships where I'm like, why did I do that again? That has nothing to do with Matt. That has everything to do with something that I did individually before I met him.

• 35:20Alex Cooper?

  And that's for me to take to my therapist if I'm having a weird day. Now, if it's actively impacting my relationship with Matt because of something, sure, you can tell him, but I don't know how cheating would actively impact the way you're treating this guy. Unless you're getting anxious that he's cheating because you cheat, like, I don't know. So my- Advice is, we sometimes feel like we're doing the right thing by telling partners things from the past or things that happened, but really, sometimes I think we need to look inward and be like, are you actually just dumping your baggage on to them? Because you're almost looking for them to absolve the guilt that you have. And by saying it to someone will make you feel less guilty and less shame.

• 36:05Alex Cooper?

  That's normal as a human being. It's just not your boyfriend that you should be doing that to, babe. It's you getting into therapy, is my personal opinion. Big picture is, to everyone listening, before you approach a partner with anything, try to put yourself in their shoes, especially when you're the one coming forward with negative information. How, if you were them, would you want to react? Or how would you react? And that's what I was kind of saying, like, put yourself in this man's shoes. This guy is gonna be like, what the fuck is the point of you telling me this? And I do think there is also, which I don't fully understand, there is a level, and I've done this with every relationship, I wanted to know every detail of Matt's past,

• 36:49Alex Cooper?

  because I've done that with every man I've ever dated. I'm like, tell me everything. So I would have known, had Matt cheated, had Matt done this. I know everything about Matt, because I've grilled him to the core before I actually got into a serious relationship with this man. And he kind of like, wanted to know about my past, but not as much as I wanted to know about his. The time to have told him this was in the beginning stage, when it was appropriate to give him that information. It is no longer appropriate to give him that information. So, case closed. Okay, next question. "Hey Alex, I'm in a weird situation. My best friend offered to watch my dog while I was out of town. She lives at a state, so I bought her a flight for her to come stay at my beach house for the week.

• 37:31Alex Cooper?

  Two days into her stay, she texted me that her brand-new boyfriend was able to get off work and fly down to stay with her at my place. I had never met this man, and she never asked if this was okay. I later found out via my Ring camera, that they left my front door unlocked the whole weekend, probably because there was only one key for the two of them. I live in a popular beach town, so this is not okay. I'm so mad, but I don't know how to approach this with her, especially since she was technically doing me a favor staying there." Wow, okay, that is...

• 38:01Alex Cooper?

  There's a lot to unpack here. Um, one that is so valid for you to be upset. I think there must be a lot of confusion on your part, which I want to just kind of like vindicate you from is technically you were asking her to do you a favor. So whenever you're asking someone to do a favor for you, yes, you're going to be a little bit more lenient. You're like, oh, I can understand, but pause. It's actually not a favor anymore because you bought this girl a flight. She's staying in this gorgeous beach town and then she invites this new guy that she's seeing. So you basically paid for her to have a nice free vacation on your dime and she couldn't basically do the one thing that you were asking her to do, which is like make sure her dog, your

• 38:42Alex Cooper?

  dog was safe. Although your dog ended up being safe, you're watching physically, your front door is not being locked. All these things are happening. You're finding out that she brought a guy without fully asking you on your ring camera. Like, I can only imagine the level of

• 38:59Alex Cooper?

  like, kind of like that, like gross feeling of like betrayal and being like kind of violated, like you're, I can only imagine as you're gone, you're watching your ring cameras and you're like creeping on your best friend, but you're like, but you're in my house and you're watching my dog. Like, I don't like, she put you in a position that you shouldn't have had to be in. That's point blank. You should not have had to feel like the creepy person like watching her over ring camera. That's your property that she is staying in and she's taking advantage of. So full stop. I'm so sorry. What I want to kind of back up a little bit here of two is like,

• 39:39Alex Cooper?

  you said this is your best friend. And so I hate to even like validate her at all, but I think any girl, and we hate to admit it, but we, we've all been there where we are not ourselves when we start to fall in love. Like you will

• 39:58Alex Cooper?

  Sometimes you'll do dumb fucking shit, right? You miss your best friend's birthday because the guy is taking you on a dinner. And then your friend calls you out a couple of weeks later and you're like, I am so fucking sorry. I didn't even like see it that way. Cause you're just enamored and you're infatuated and it's the time and you're seeing this guy and you're excited. And then you're like, oh my God. And then as you get older, you stop doing that and you stop fucking your friends over for boys. But there are little moments everyone has where you need a wake up call where it's like, hey, glad you're happy with this guy. You just almost fucked my whole shit up. Imagine if they lost my dog. Imagine if someone broke into my house and you're so lucky that didn't happen. But it could have the way that you were treating my situation.

• 40:37Alex Cooper?

  So my advice to you is I would text her and say, hey, can we find time to get on the phone? I wanna talk about this past weekend or this past week or when you were staying at my house. And I think you get on and you have to probably be aware, like she doesn't know what you've seen on the Ring app. And so I think as much as you wanna be like, you fucking bitch, like what the fuck were you doing? The only way she's gonna hear you, like anyone will hear someone is like, you have to kinda go in calm and level headed. And I know that's gonna be hard, but I think you approach it and you say, hey, I hate that we're having this conversation.

• 41:20Alex Cooper?

  First, I just wanna say that because the reason I trusted you to go to my house and stay at my house and watch my dog is because I trust you more than anyone. And I felt really betrayed and I felt like a line was crossed and I was put in a really bad situation. When I realized you brought this guy, that you didn't ask me if he could come stay. And then I'm watching my house not be taken cared for in the way that I just asked you to do. And I will be honest, I sat there stressed the whole weekend, making sure that my dog wasn't running out because the door is not locked and you're having this like gallivanting fun weekend. But that's not what I asked you to do. And I felt like I was getting taken advantage of, honestly.

• 42:04Alex Cooper?

  And I just wanted to give you the chance to kind of like walk me through what happened that weekend. Because I'm gonna be real, I feel really fucking shitty and like really grossed out about the whole thing. And I can't stop thinking about it. And then you give her the floor. A good friend, what you hope will happen is she is like, I literally am, I want to throw up right now. I'm so fucking embarrassed and I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me. I think I thought I could do both. I was like, I'm just gonna be sitting here. There's no harm. Like, I like this guy. It will be a perfect time to just like, have a fun thing and we can play house together, whatever it be. But if she gets on the phone with you and she is trying to be at all, not even defensive, but like defiant of like,

• 42:47Alex Cooper?

  first of all, that's fucking weird that you were watching me. I locked your house. I don't know what you're talking about, whatever it be, even if she did lock your front door. The way that a friend would actually go about it after having done this to you would be like, I want you to know, because I can imagine on the Ring app, it was confusing. I want you to know every single day that door was locked. I was watching her like a hawk and I apologize, I brought someone in, but I promise you, my number one priority was your dog. Like, you know what I mean? It's like, everything in life, especially when it comes to friendships as you get older, it is all about being genuinely kind in the, and, and caring and thoughtful in the way you're communicating back to someone.

• 43:31Alex Cooper?

  Everyone is coming from their own perspective. Maybe this girl had not had a vacation and couldn't afford it in literally years. And she got so ahead of herself and when she got to the beach town and she's looking around and she's so excited and she knows in her core, she's like, I've got this. Of course, I've got the dog and the house. This is easy work. This is, we'll be so fun to invite him. I'm not saying she's right. I'm just saying, think about it from her perspective. So, but again, I'm really sorry. And I think this is where like blurring friends and asking favors and all that stuff. It's fucking hard, you guys, because

• 44:08Alex Cooper?

  as we all get older, and even when you're younger, we all have our level of what we will show up as, as a friend. And unfortunately, I think life, a lot of it is about finding out that a lot of friends won't meet you, where you would go for them. And so it's disorienting, it's disheartening, it's heartbreaking sometimes, but you will probably never ask this person to do that again for you. But now you need to see how she treats you for the next few weeks after you have this conversation, but you need to have the conversation. Always have the conversation, daddy gang, even as awkward and difficult and uncomfortable

• 44:48Alex Cooper?

  as it is. If you don't have the conversation, you will sit and you will ruminate on it and you will resent the person and there's no way forward in any relationship unless you have the conversation. So I love you and fuck, I'm sorry. That one sucks. I would fucking kill someone if they did that with Henry and Bruce. I'd be like, we're done. I'm like, yeah, take my advice. Be so mature. Meanwhile, I'm like, done bitch. I fucking hate you. No, but I get it. I don't fuck around with my dogs. Okay, next question.

• 45:41Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ross. Fall is about finding pieces you love, making them your own and creating looks and spaces just right for the season. Whether you're updating a small apartment or a spacious home, drawn to timeless neutrals, or bold seasonal touches, Ross makes it easy to imagine what's next and bring your fall vision to life. Ross makes fashion accessible to all with up to 20 to 60% off other retailers' prices on the brands you love. Find your nearest Ross at rossstores.com. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Shopify. I feel like it's that time of the year where everyone starts to slow down a little bit. We're reflecting on this past year, maybe

• 46:24Alex Cooper?

  even, you know, we're writing down a few goals for next year. And if you're starting a business and that is something that's on your list, thankfully, the internet has made it easier than ever to do. No matter what stage you're at, Shopify is the best place to start and grow a business. Personally, I have loved how their shop pay feature streamlines the entire checkout process with the holidays coming up. My online shopping addiction is...

• 46:51Alex Cooper?

  Obviously, it's at its peak right now. And so I always get excited when I see that little purple shop pay button at checkout. It makes buying something so fast and easy. Instead of digging through and finding my credit card and typing everything in, you can just check out in one click. Yes, I want those sweatpants. Yes, another pair of sweatpants. And for businesses, that also means fewer carts abandoned and more sales. I also love that Shopify lets me run my entire business straight from my phone. So I can upload new merch, check on orders, and see what you guys are loving from literally anywhere. It does save me so much time and it lets me actually enjoy the season while growing the business. So are you ready to add entrepreneur to your list of accomplishments?

• 47:36Alex Cooper?

  Head to Shopify.com/daddy. That's Shopify.com/daddy. Father Cooper, help. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He's my best friend and hasn't done anything wrong, but something feels off. I've been craving time alone to be young, single, and figure myself out. I want to break up, but I don't know how to end it when he hasn't done anything bad. What should I say to him? Okay, first of all, I want to give you full props for even being able to acknowledge this and own this because I think it is so hard to end a relationship when something catastrophic doesn't happen. Like, I think a lot of times, especially I think as women, we feel this guilt of like,

• 48:19Alex Cooper?

  but he didn't cheat, but he hasn't done anything wrong. And so sometime as women, the safe option and the comfortable option seems like, why wouldn't we stay with that? And then you kind of manipulate yourself into believing like, wow, am I being ungrateful? Like, I'm never gonna find better. Like, maybe this is the best that I could ever find. And like, maybe I should just, you know, and we don't say settle in our heads, but we say every other word but settle. And it's like, maybe I should just stick with this and ride this through and it will all make sense at some point. It's like, if something doesn't feel right to you in a relationship and you are in your early twenties.

• 49:01Alex Cooper?

  Like, oh my god, oh my god, you guys, I am thirty. And I literally feel like I've lived fifteen decades since my relationship when I was twenty-two, when I was twenty-five, when I, like, I am a different person since those years. And I've grown so much and I wouldn't have grown if I was with them. So like, your inclination is right. If you know you are not happy, if you know this is not the right person for you right now, then you need to end the relationship. Now, how do you end the relationship? That is like, always the hardest fucking part, because realizing it within yourself, it takes five fucking seconds, but actually getting the courage to do it, it can take some time. So, let's basically walk through how you're gonna do it, because you basically need to do

• 49:46Alex Cooper?

  the like, it's me, not you thing, but you need to do it in a way that is very straightforward and not complicated and not confusing to this person. And that is a dance and a literal skill in itself. So, step one, you are going to text your boyfriend and you're gonna be like, hey, I have something I want to talk to you about, and I'm hoping that we could have like, a serious conversation, could you come over later tonight around like, seven? He's immediately gonna probably spiral and be like, what, what is going on? Like, are you breaking up with me? Like, what is happening?

• 50:26Alex Cooper?

  And be like, I, I know this text is like, probably like, really overwhelming, but like, let's just talk in person, like, I don't want to go back and forth on text, like, I really want to have a, like, an honest conversation, but do it in person. Once you get him and he comes in, immediately, most men, I feel like, every time I've done this with my friends, they're always like, are you breaking up with me? Are you breaking up with me? And you're gonna be like,

• 50:51Alex Cooper?

  Yes, but I need like, let me, please let me explain myself right now. And what you need to say to him off the bat is, I want you to know that I care so much about you. But I have had this feeling and it has been back and forth. And I didn't know what it was for a while because what you don't want is they always will hover, hold it over your head. Wow, how long have you been thinking about this? Wow, you've thought about this for a year. Like you want to be very vague on your timeline and just be like, I've had this feeling and I couldn't really locate what it was. And now it's become very clear to me that I am not in this. I'm not in this relationship in the way that I want to be and that you deserve to have someone to be in a relationship with you more.

• 51:36Alex Cooper?

  And the more that I've thought about it, I've realized I'm not ready for a serious relationship. That is like, this is my last relationship leading to marriage. Like I need to learn more about myself. I need to be on my own. I need to be single. I need to explore. Like, I feel like this is not right for me anymore. And you are so amazing and you've been so amazing. And I hate to say this, but like,

• 52:02Alex Cooper?

  I just know it's not you. And I know I'm not in love with you. And I'm so fucking sorry. And I can only imagine how much that hurts. But you deserve someone that's going to be in love with you and want you and want to take the next step with you. And I don't know what that looks like for me yet, but I need to go on that journey. Here's where I will pause Daddy Gang. What I want for everyone knowing when you're entering into breaking up with someone is you cannot leave the door open in the fucking slightest. And sometimes that means making very uncomfortable definitive statements. They're not mean statements, but they are very clear definitive statements.

• 52:45Alex Cooper?

  AKA, I am not in love with you. What the fuck is someone going to say to that? And I know even saying it on this podcast, like getting it out, like being like, I'm not in love with you. It's uncomfortable. It's awkward. Sometimes your knee jerk reaction is to be like, I love you and I care so much about you. No. Imagine you're on the other end of it. How fucking confusing and what a mind fuck for someone that you've been in love with and you're in a relationship is like, I love you, I care about you. Fuck off, then why weren't we gonna be together? So you have to, you owe it to the person sitting across from you. If this is an amicable break and they've done nothing bad and it's just you knowing in your heart, it's not them. You really owe it to them to not blur the lines and you owe it to them to be so upfront,

• 53:30Alex Cooper?

  as uncomfortable and hurtful as it is, they will be able to then go to bed at night with that in their head of like, but she did say she's not in love with me. Right? Like, where do you go from there if someone says, you're not my person? I don't, I'm not in love with you. I don't feel we're compatible. Literally those three to the core, you can't come back from that. So I think that's where you have to push yourself. And then my last note when you do this is this person, especially when they didn't do anything bad, most of the times they're gonna be in shock, right? They're gonna be like crying, they're gonna be angry, they're gonna be, something is gonna happen.

• 54:11Alex Cooper?

  And my biggest advice, once you hit them with those hard truths is you have to, for a little bit, reiterate the same exact statement, not in a condescending way, but just in a really like, no, this is, this is all I can give you and I'm not willing, you do not get into the weeds. When you are in a breakup, do not get into the fucking weeds of the details of why things didn't work. It doesn't fucking matter, you're out. Give them enough so they feel like, I got some answer, but you don't need to get into the weeds of your relationship and then you need to leave. And leaving is the hardest part. I've had so many friends and I've done it myself where it's like, how was a breakup conversation three hours? That can almost be like a closure conversation that comes weeks later.

• 54:54Alex Cooper?

  If you're going to pick up stuff and you both are like, we know it's over, but hey, just for my soul, like, could I get some answers? Fine. But the initial conversation, you need to keep it fucking tight daddy gang because what happens is you will start to lose the plot and as someone you actually do care about is crying in front of you, you are going to inevitably say things to try to comfort them that is going to warp your initial message. Not that you're trying to give them mixed messages, it's just you can't help yourself and then you're gonna fuck yourself and do not fucking have sex with them in that moment. Maybe in the closure conversation, you can have fucking breakup sex with them and be like, "One more time and we're done." But you cannot, when you're telling them, "I don't love you anymore." One and done.

• 55:39Alex Cooper?

  And I know some people are gonna be like, "What do you mean? Don't ever encourage breakup sex." Well, I've had so many fucking friends do it, and it actually worked. Because they had the initial conversation, then you go back a month later if you need to get stuff, or a couple of weeks later, done. So, I know this is hard for you, but you can't stay in something that is not making you happy. And you can't also lie to the person that you're going to sleep with every single night, telling them you love them. You can't lie to that person, because guess what? It's their life, too. It's their life, and they also deserve to find someone that's madly in love with them. So, yes, you are having doubts. Act on it immediately and end it. Because I wouldn't want to be with someone that's having active doubts about me at all

• 56:22Alex Cooper?

  times, and just feels bad for me, so they're gonna stay. Can you imagine being on the other end of that? You guys. No one in the daddy gang should ever want to be with someone as like a pity. "Oh, I feel so bad for her. She was going through a hard time." No matter what it is, whether you had a bad time because you had family shit going on, trauma going on, none of it. You should not stay with someone because you feel bad for them. Point blank, end, period. I will go toe-to-toe with anyone that wants to argue me of why you should stay with someone because you feel bad for them. No, we aren't fucking doing it. Because guess what? They deserve better. They want to be with someone that loves them, doesn't feel bad for them. And they can find that, too. Have a little bit more respect for them.

• 57:06Alex Cooper?

  So, I love you daddy. I know it's really hard to end relationships, but what's also weird is everyone that's ever done it, then you like, look back and you're like, "Yeah, that was fucking shitty and that was so awkward." And now, I'm happier than ever. And that's what sucks. It's like, once you get out of it, then you're like, "Oh, fuck. I should've done that a little bit earlier." Um, okay daddy gang, I love you so much. I am so happy that Sundays are back. Make sure you guys always write in to me on the website, or DM me your questions, and I will try to get to all of them as fast as I can. And you guys know the drill. I will see you fuckers on Wednesday. Goodbye.

• 58:06Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Ross. Fall is about finding pieces you love, making them your own and creating looks and spaces just right for the season. Whether you're updating a small apartment or a spacious home, drawn to timeless neutrals or bold seasonal touches, Ross makes it easy to imagine what's next and bring your fall vision to life. Ross makes fashion accessible to all with up to 20 to 60% off other retailers' prices on the brands you love. Find your nearest Ross at rossstores.com. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Stouffer's. Let me tell you something, when I am hungry and I am trying to figure out what to eat, sometimes you can just actually become so, you're angry.

• 58:50Alex Cooper?

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