Let This Wash Over You | Build Up, Don't Tear Down

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Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Ryan Holiday?

  Welcome to the Daily Stoic Podcast. Each day, we bring you a meditation inspired by the ancient Stoics, illustrated with stories from history, current events, and literature to help you be better at what you do. And at the beginning of the week, we try to do a deeper dive, setting a kind of Stoic intention for the week, something to meditate on, something to think on, something to leave you with, to journal about, whatever it is you happen to be doing. So let's get into it.

• 0:42Ryan Holiday?

  Let this wash over you. As filthy and corrupt as Rome was, we can imagine Marcus Aurelius catching its glint and smiling. As horrific and ugly as Epictetus's life was, we can imagine him finding some solace and beauty in it. As busy and frustrating and exhausting as Seneca's life was, we know he must have enjoyed it on his wandering walks. Golden hour, magic hour, that picturesque period when the sun's rays hit the earth at an angle and bathe everything and everyone in a soft glow. We know Marcus Aurelius tried to get up for it at dawn, even when he was tired. We know that Seneca said that the

• 1:26Ryan Holiday?

  world was a temple of the gods. Could he have perhaps been talking about some particularly wonderful sunset? It would make sense. Look, it doesn't matter what's happening in your life, doesn't matter what's happening in the world. Golden hour is there. It's there more than once a day, weather permitting. It doesn't fail us, we fail it, because we spend that time indoors, we spend it brooding or preoccupied. Marcus really said that what doesn't transmit light creates its own darkness. Whoever misses golden hour misses the opportunity to see the world, even just for a moment in its best light, misses what beauty is available to us each and every day.

• 2:09Ryan Holiday?

  And not seeing that would lead to a very dark life, indeed. Caught it here on my farm in Texas. We were jumping in the pool. It's starting to get cold, but we got in there as the sun was setting. I saw it on my bike ride yesterday with my son as the sun was coming up. It's my absolute favorite thing to do, and that's why I wrote today's email. Build up, don't tear down. And this is from this week's entry in the Daily Stoic Journal. 366 Days of Writing and Reflection on the Art of Living by me, Ryan Holiday,

• 2:50Ryan Holiday?

  anywhere books are sold, including The Painted Porch, my bookstore at thepaintedporch.com. Is there a worse environment to work in than one where bullying and one upmanship are the norm? Sometimes leaders seem to think that this is part of the job description, that they're there to regulate and keep people in line. In truth, tearing people down is incredibly counterproductive. Pete Carroll, coach of the Seattle Seahawk, poses a question. If self-confidence is so important for players, why would a coach ever risk anything to damage it? Marcus Aurelius, who had the power to take anyone down at will, even kill them, almost never actually did. Instead, he reminded himself that it was better to build up, to be community-minded, modest, prepared, and tolerant of others.

• 3:34Ryan Holiday?

  "We are made for cooperation," the Stoics said, "and to render works held in common." Let's think about that going forward. How can we help build self-confidence of others? How can we find some of our own in doing so? We have two quotes from Marcus today. He says, "So someone's good at taking down an opponent. That doesn't make them more community-minded, or modest, or well-prepared for any circumstances, or more tolerant for the faults of others." That's Meditations 7:52. And then for Meditations 8:12, he says, "Whenever you have trouble getting up in the morning, remind yourself that you are made by nature for the purpose of working with others, and that our own natural purpose that is more fitting."

• 4:16Ryan Holiday?

  And more satisfying. When we interviewed Major General Dan Kane in the Leadership Challenge, he was saying that almost never in his career has he ever said, "I'm ordering you to do this." I think we have this fantasy that, once we really get power, we become head coach. You know, we become a general. Then we won't have to ask, we won't have to persuade, we can just demand. But that's not how it works. Eisenhower famously said, "The art of leadership is getting people to do things because they want to do them." Right? Randall Stutman, who I talked about last week in the Leadership Challenge, which I urge you all to check out, talks about how the job of a leader is to make people better. It's not to keep them in line, it's not to break them down, it's not to mold them into

• 4:57Ryan Holiday?

  who you want them to be, it's to make them the best version of themselves. This is why the Stoic virtues of patience and kindness and understanding and empathy are so important. It's not about brute force. A Stoic is strict, yes, strict with yourself, but we try to be tolerant and kind to others. And I struggle with this, I really struggle. I think a lot of smart, talented people, again, it was a little egotistical to describe myself that way, but you get my point. A lot of people who are good at what they do, find it very hard to be patient or tolerant of people who are not good at what they do, especially when those people are getting in the way of what you're trying to do. And I struggle with that. The moments I've lost my temper, moments I regret as a leader, as a boss, almost invariably come from that sense of frustration.

• 5:42Ryan Holiday?

  Why? Why? I told you how I wanted this done, I went over it like 15 times. And I have to catch myself and calm myself and remember, this isn't making anyone better, and it's making me worse. I look like an asshole, because I'm being an asshole. And that's not a good way to be. So we have to learn how to keep ourselves in check, how to be strict with what we control, tolerant and understanding and patient with other people and with their actions, because that's not in our control. And this is one of the things that ancient historians credit Marcus Aurelius with, that he was very tolerant of the flaws with others, that he found a way to work with them, that he found a way to get things out of them, that he found a way to put them to good use.

• 6:24Ryan Holiday?

  And I think there's not a better endorsement of a leader than that. Our ability to not expect perfection of other people. This was something Rick Fox famously said about Kobe Bryant, that Kobe Bryant struggled to realize that not everyone was Kobe Bryant. And in the ancient world, there was an expression, "We can't all be Katos." But no one had to understand this more than Cato, that not everyone was like him, not everyone was as good as him, not everyone naturally understood or was committed to these things the way that he was. And so you have to understand that your job is still ideally to get people closer to that ideal, to make them better. But you're not going to do it through force. You're not going to do it through bullying. You're definitely not going to do it through humiliation. You're definitely not going to do it through yelling.

• 7:08Ryan Holiday?

  And in fact, when you are yelling, you have almost always screwed up as a boss. Is there tactically, sometimes it needs to be done to send a message? Sure, maybe, but this is almost always a rationalization of an impulse that's gotten out of control or struggle we're having. So today and this week, I want you to think about the idea of being calm, being collected, being kind, being a builder, not a destroyer, being an asker, not an orderer, a demander, right? Convince, persuade, inspire. Don't demand, don't bully, don't force. You will get more this way, I promise. And we have a whole bunch of other thoughts on this in the Leadership Challenge.

• 7:49Ryan Holiday?

  You can listen to all of the interviews I did with these awesome leadership experts, plus nine weeks of content. Check that out at DailyStoic.com/LeadershipChallenge. And I hope you journal on this in the Daily Stoic Journal, if you're doing it. And just a thought to think about. Build people up, make them better. You don't need sheer force. You don't need anger. Don't need to order them. Persuade, make them do it because they want to do it. Make them do it because they've seen the results. When you've done it, that's the Stoic way.

• 8:21Ryan Holiday?

  Hey, it's Ryan. Thank you for listening to the Daily Stoic Podcast. I just wanted to say, we so appreciate it. We love serving you. It's amazing to us that over 30 million people have downloaded these episodes in the couple of years we've been doing it. It's an honor. Please, spread the word. Tell people about it. And this isn't to sell anything. I just wanted to say, thank you.