Beth Stelling

Comedian Beth Stelling joins Andrew Santino on Whiskey Ginger to talk about her brand-new stand-up special LANDLORD, getting felt up at the Airport, living and dating in LA, and why comedy always hits harder when it’s personal. Beth opens up about writing honest material, dealing with rough landlords, and how she finds humor in heartbreak. Don’t miss her new half-hour LANDLORD — streaming now on VEEPS! FOLLOW BETH: Instagram: @bethstelling Tour & More: bethstelling.com 👀 WATCH Whiskey Ginger every FRIDAY 🎤 Subscribe to catch new conversations with the best in comedy, music, and culture 🎧 FULL AUDIO ON: Spotify | Apple | All Podcast Platforms #BethStelling #WhiskeyGinger #AndrewSantino #StandUpComedy #ComedianInterview #LandlordSpecial #NetflixComedy #WomenInComedy #ComedyPodcast #BethStellingLandlord ==================================================== Sponsor Whiskey Ginger: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/whiskeyginger SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS SQUARESPACE GET 10% OFF YOUR ORDER https://squarespace.com/whiskey PROPHETX USE PROMO CODE: WHSIKEY GET UP TO $300 IN PROPHET CASH https://getprophetx.co ZOC DOC BOOK LOCAL DOCTORS https://zocdoc.com/whiskey ======================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast https://twitter.com/whiskeygingerpodcast Produced and edited by Joe Faria https://www.instagram.com/itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:31Speaker 01

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• 0:58Andrew Santino?

  What up, whiskey ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If it's your first time joining the show, welcome to the show. Hey, I got a couple of dates coming out lined up for you. July 18th and 19th, Bobby Lee and I are playing London and Dublin. Go to badfriendspod.com for that. And also, we're slowly leaking them out, but I'm gonna be playing San Francisco, coming up to the punchline. Gonna be playing Tempe Improv for the first time. I've never played that club, where I went to Arizona State. I'm also gonna be going down to Hammond, Indiana. And then I'm also going to be doing Brea Improv. All those tickets will be up at andresantino.com. We're working on that right now as we speak to you. In the meantime, enjoy the episode.

• 2:05Andrew Santino?

  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it. Today, it's Bastelli!

• 2:14Andrew Santino?

  The landlord herself.

• 2:15Speaker 03

  That's right.

• 2:16Andrew Santino?

  The landlord herself.

• 2:17Speaker 03

  The renter.

• 2:18Andrew Santino?

  Oh yeah, that's right. I'm sorry. I'm the landlord.

• 2:21Speaker 03

  You're the landlord.

• 2:22Andrew Santino?

  I'm your landlord.

• 2:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:23Andrew Santino?

  You better believe that. Pay up, baby! Have you ever had a good landlord?

• 2:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:29Andrew Santino?

  I had one.

• 2:30Speaker 03

  Once that leave me alone.

• 2:30Andrew Santino?

  I had one good one.

• 2:31Speaker 03

  If I pay my rent, leave me alone.

• 2:33Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but so many are such awful, awful, awful people.

• 2:36Speaker 03

  This newest special that you're talking about, it's called "The Landlord Special", lion's share of it, and it's just a half hour, is a story about my bad landlords.

• 2:45Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 2:45Speaker 03

  My annoying landlords. Why? Leave me alone. If I'm paying rent.

• 2:50Andrew Santino?

  What is it?

• 2:51Speaker 03

  If you're gonna snoop, honestly, just wait till I'm away and look in a window or something. But don't make me feel under surveillance, my entire existence here. Popping up, knocking. I eventually stopped answering because I was like, "Oh yeah, I don't have to answer." I could just leave me alone.

• 3:04Andrew Santino?

  This is my residence.

• 3:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:06Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but you do this thing, it's almost like a creepy, um, it's kinda like Bates Motelli. Where it's like you almost feel like you're subject to this, you're like, you don't really owe them anything, but you do feel like you have to let them in or something. This woman would say all the time, she'd go, "Your girlfriend slipped over again", and I was like, "What? My girlfriend slept over again?" She's like, "Yeah, if two more time in the week, you have to pay. She has to pay." This is a fucking, this is a real thing.

• 3:31Speaker 03

  You're kidding me.

• 3:32Andrew Santino?

  Saying she is a temporary resident. I was like, "It's my fuck, it's the woman I'm seeing, but she here all the time", and I was like, "Yeah, because we wanna be with each other." "Yeah, I don't think she has her own place", I was like, "Lady..."

• 3:42Speaker 03

  That is insane. You pay the rent for the place, not for the humans.

• 3:45Andrew Santino?

  Oh, she tried to charge me. She tried to fucking charge me. She was like, "You're on list, she's not on list", I was like, "Yeah, but she's not, she's never there if I'm not there." She's like, "No, no, no, she will come sometimes", I was, dude, right? You've done this?

• 3:56Speaker 04

  My landlord would come in the house.

• 3:58Speaker 03

  You're kidding me.

• 3:58Speaker 04

  At like 3:00 in the morning. If we had like people over.

• 4:01Speaker 03

  This is making mine seem less bad.

• 4:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 4:03Speaker 03

  But I do think they popped in when I wasn't there as well.

• 4:06Andrew Santino?

  That grosses me out.

• 4:07Speaker 03

  And they would comment on, like, honestly, she would comment on the looks of whoever I brought back.

• 4:12Andrew Santino?

  That's kinda funny though.

• 4:13Speaker 03

  He's kind of a ten.

• 4:15Speaker 04

  When I first moved into my first place in LA was like a Craigslist room and a house in Echo Park. And one of the other guys that lived there was like, if you're on the wifi and you're like alone, don't go on porn, cuz they look at your wifi. He said like right away.

• 4:28Andrew Santino?

  Cuz it's a communal, shared wifi.

• 4:30Speaker 04

  Well, when he moved in, he said he was just like, you know, by himself doing that. And then he gets a call from the landlord, it's like, get off that right now.

• 4:37Speaker 03

  By the way, I, I'm not a hacker. How would they know that?

• 4:41Andrew Santino?

  Well, they could, they, they probably can steal, cuz they have the IP address.

• 4:44Speaker 03

  I can't believe this. I didn't even know you could do that.

• 4:46Andrew Santino?

  Well, you know I was a hacker for the first 10 years of my life.

• 4:48Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 4:49Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I was a big hacker.

• 4:50Speaker 03

  My sister's son, for some reason, he got really obsessed, this is when he was a child, like 5 years old. He got really obsessed with the idea of hackers. And he, and one time at dinner, he goes, raise your hand if you're a hacker in this house.

• 5:07Andrew Santino?

  Auntie Beth, you, you seem like you hack.

• 5:09Speaker 03

  Raise your hand if you're a hacker in this house.

• 5:10Andrew Santino?

  Do you hack?

• 5:11Speaker 03

  I don't even know what you're talking about.

• 5:12Andrew Santino?

  I do love that he got invested in the hack community. He could probably be a coder when he grows up. How old is he now?

• 5:17Speaker 03

  Oh my gosh, I'd never know it.

• 5:19Andrew Santino?

  Auntie Beth?

• 5:19Speaker 03

  He's gotta be like 6th grade, I think he just graduated from 6th grade.

• 5:23Andrew Santino?

  What's the nickname for you?

• 5:24Speaker 03

  They call me Beth, Aunt Beth.

• 5:25Andrew Santino?

  Aunt Beth? Cute, because they couldn't pronounce?

• 5:28Speaker 03

  My grandpa, my mom's dad always called me Bessie.

• 5:31Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 5:32Speaker 03

  Cuz my name is Elizabeth with an S instead of a Z, and I think he knew that, and always just called me Bessie. I don't know. My mom, my family calls me B or Beth.

• 5:40Andrew Santino?

  You're not Bessie to me. I don't like it.

• 5:43Speaker 03

  What about Beth?

• 5:44Andrew Santino?

  I don't like it. You're sweet Beth.

• 5:48Speaker 03

  I like that.

• 5:48Andrew Santino?

  I think it's just so much, there's something about it. You know, I've never in my entire life, I think about this now, for some reason, after all the years I've known you. I've never known a Beth in my life that I was like, I don't really trust her. I've never known one. Isn't that, think about that? I've nev, I, there's a few, I'm thinking about a few in my life, and they're always kind of really like, a good, good core to people for the most part. Sweet people.

• 6:14Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 6:14Andrew Santino?

  Beth's on the other hand, troubled bitch.

• 6:17Speaker 03

  A little trickier.

• 6:17Andrew Santino?

  A little tricky bitch.

• 6:19Speaker 03

  Might be a hacker.

• 6:21Andrew Santino?

  You know she's hacking.

• 6:22Speaker 03

  She's hacking.

• 6:22Andrew Santino?

  Bessie in the off-hours. Yeah, so no, I've never, I've never had a solid landlord ever.

• 6:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:30Andrew Santino?

  Except I've had, um, there was a guy Jay, the first guy when I moved to Los Angeles, who was sad. So he made me sad. He made me pretty sad. Like, his life was a bummer. He always kinda had some, he'd be like, "Hey, what's going on?" And you'd be like, "Oh, hey, man, I'm just going out to the CVS." He's like, "Yeah, come here, come here." And he just wanna like, tell you stuff, because he was alone and sad.

• 6:50Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 6:51Andrew Santino?

  So he wasn't a bad landlord, he was just, he, it was a bummer to have to run into him.

• 6:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:55Andrew Santino?

  So we would wait to see if he was out, because if he was around the property...

• 6:59Speaker 03

  I did a lot of sprinting from my back door to the car, and sometimes she would still nab me. But what, what the issue was...

• 7:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I love that. "Gotcha!"

• 7:06Speaker 03

  Yeah. "Where are you headed?" Sometimes when I go, if I would say, "I'm in a rush," she'd go, "Where are you going?"

• 7:11Andrew Santino?

  Oh, gross.

• 7:12Speaker 03

  And then she'd be like, "It's not gonna take that long to get there." It's like, "You don't get to say!"

• 7:16Andrew Santino?

  That's so gross.

• 7:17Speaker 03

  You don't have a GPS.

• 7:18Andrew Santino?

  "Where are you going? Sacramento." "You're driving?" "I'm driving to Sacramento today."

• 7:22Speaker 03

  And I gotta get there.

• 7:23Andrew Santino?

  "I gotta get there, like, and now, so I gotta go."

• 7:25Speaker 03

  Their daughter, their adult daughter, lived above me, which created an in for them to be there all the time.

• 7:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's dangerous.

• 7:31Speaker 03

  So that was the issue. And she was very ashamed of her daughter, and they fought constantly.

• 7:35Andrew Santino?

  Did you like the daughter?

• 7:36Speaker 03

  No.

• 7:37Andrew Santino?

  Okay, fuck. So she sucked.

• 7:39Speaker 03

  No, she was very much like her mother, and, well, I would say she's probably, I don't, I don't know exactly what her deal is, but she for sure, like, doesn't pick up on social cues. It's like the idea of, similarly, like, "Hey, what's up? Hey, how are you? Have a good day." And then she would, if you're like, "Have a good day, bye," she'd be like, "Tuscany is crazy this time of year." And you're like, "W-"

• 7:59Andrew Santino?

  Is it?

• 7:59Speaker 03

  "I gotta go."

• 8:00Andrew Santino?

  Fuck, lady, please.

• 8:01Speaker 03

  "I do not wanna get into this." But she was a flight attendant for a while, so that was interesting. One of their biggest fights was her, because I could hear everything. And it, later, this is in the special, but I discover that a lot of things were kinda wrong with the place, but one of them being that my back window was painted open, and she had put curtains over it, that she was like, "I made you curtains," but it was like, to hide that, which, that's not the end of the world, but I could just hear so much. One of the fights was, she gets home from being a flight attendant, she thinks she has bedbugs. They're screaming at each other upstairs. I was actually sitting at my desk, being interviewed by Comedy Central. They were doing like a behind the scenes comic and I'm sitting at my desk having an abortion. Like I had just taken the abortion pill, but I had them in the house. So I was like, uh, still had to do this interview, cause you know, it was planned.

• 8:45Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 8:45Speaker 03

  I mean, you know what I mean.

• 8:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 8:47Speaker 03

  The, the.

• 8:48Andrew Santino?

  Yes, I get it.

• 8:49Speaker 03

  And the director was like, we actually have to hold, cause they're screaming so loud. We, it's all picking it up. So we had to like wait. The mattress flies down the stairs.

• 8:59Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 8:59Speaker 03

  Yeah. And then it kind of stops, they stop fighting. And he goes, okay. And we finished the interview.

• 9:06Andrew Santino?

  And you got the gig.

• 9:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:08Andrew Santino?

  That's how it goes with Comedy Central.

• 9:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:10Andrew Santino?

  Hold for mattress, please?

• 9:11Speaker 03

  Hold for mattress?

• 9:12Andrew Santino?

  Okay, good. Now it's down the stairs.

• 9:13Speaker 03

  And we're back.

• 9:13Andrew Santino?

  By the way, bedbugs, that's not our thing, that's New York's thing.

• 9:15Speaker 03

  I don't know, I, ultimately, I don't think she had it.

• 9:18Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 9:18Speaker 03

  I know that they can travel, which is prob, that's why I was invested in the argument, cause I'm like, I don't want bedbugs.

• 9:23Andrew Santino?

  Cause they can, they could get to your place.

• 9:25Speaker 03

  They can. Yeah.

• 9:26Andrew Santino?

  You, cause I know some people, I have New York comic friends that are like, oh yeah dude, we had them. And I don't know anyone out here that ever had them.

• 9:32Speaker 03

  Uh, I do, I know plenty, thank goodness, it would destroy me.

• 9:35Andrew Santino?

  If you had bedbugs.

• 9:36Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 9:37Andrew Santino?

  What a sad, weird twist, huh?

• 9:38Speaker 03

  It would, it would destroy me.

• 9:39Andrew Santino?

  The place you're supposed to feel the most comfortable in at peace.

• 9:41Speaker 03

  And you're getting eaten every night? Um, you remember the Comedy Cell, you know the Comedy Cellar? Uh, it was at the Rio in Vegas.

• 9:49Andrew Santino?

  Oh yeah.

• 9:50Speaker 03

  I think it still is.

• 9:51Andrew Santino?

  No, it is, it's there now?

• 9:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:52Andrew Santino?

  Or wait, I don't know if it's at the Rio, yeah, but it's still there, right?

• 9:54Speaker 03

  Okay, so they put you up there.

• 9:55Andrew Santino?

  There's still the Cellar.

• 9:56Speaker 03

  And you know, you wanted, I was trying to get off the strip, just for, go to this cafe I found called Public Us, that's really good. I'm on my Lyft ride back, and she's like, oh, the Rio, oh, my, my friends are made there, I think they have bedbugs. And I was like,

• 10:12Speaker 03

  why would you tell me that now?

• 10:13Andrew Santino?

  All right, five stars.

• 10:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm, I, it's like, I do wanna know, but also, and then I was like, in the South Tower?

• 10:22Andrew Santino?

  What floor do you think? One through five? Not, not above that though, is there? Above that?

• 10:26Speaker 03

  What's this, is this a bike? Yeah.

• 10:27Andrew Santino?

  I used to, I used to think about that every time, cause when I first started to go out to New York, you would hear people talk about that. Cause I didn't, wasn't used to it. Broke in LA was different.

• 10:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:35Andrew Santino?

  It's just different out here, but there broke out, there was, you know, like me crashing at guys' places where it's like five dudes, in one room and all that shit. And I remember, there was like a, my buddy Eric, shout out my boy Eric, lived at the time in Williamsburg, and he was like, oh, you can just stay at my crib, I'm gone. Oh, okay. And then I was, went out with a bunch of comics and I was, I was nowhere near gonna be able to get home. I was too fucked up and I was like, maybe I'll just crash here. And then I looked around in like a moment of like, nah, I think I'll, I think I'll, I think I'll go. I was like, cause I know Eric is safe. Like, you know what I mean? I was like, this will give me bed. I like looked around, everyone's like, just chill here. I was like, I don't think so dude. I gotta fucking, that guy has a job. He has like a full-time job.

• 11:19Speaker 03

  I gotta go to Eric's. I gotta go to Eric's.

• 11:21Andrew Santino?

  No bedbugs at Eric's house.

• 11:22Speaker 03

  Better off on the floor at Eric's.

• 11:23Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it was way, way better at Eric's.

• 11:25Speaker 03

  That reminds me of staying, going to like New York for a week of shows, doing like comics when it was still there. And just a string of shows, probably The Creek, or no, no, what was it?

• 11:36Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, Creek.

• 11:37Speaker 03

  I know, but was it, there was a show that I'm thinking of.

• 11:40Andrew Santino?

  In Brooklyn?

• 11:40Speaker 03

  The guy's name was Chelsea, or wait, Chesley.

• 11:45Andrew Santino?

  I don't know, but that's such a funny name.

• 11:46Speaker 03

  I know.

• 11:47Andrew Santino?

  You know who he's married to, Bessie, for sure. Chesley and Bessie. Today on the Christian News Network. Who?

• 11:53Speaker 03

  Cabin with a K.

• 11:54Andrew Santino?

  Oh, Cabin, oh Cabin, Cabin, Cabin.

• 11:57Speaker 03

  Anyway, setting up a week of shows there, but I stayed with John Gobicon. I stayed with, with Dave.

• 12:03Andrew Santino?

  You did?

• 12:04Speaker 03

  And it was like so many boys in one place. I'm looking back now and going, wait, was Dave trying to smash? But no, there was like no room, cause we were buddies forever and I just slept in his bed with him. There's like no room anywhere.

• 12:15Andrew Santino?

  There was nowhere to be.

• 12:16Speaker 03

  And nothing happened between us, cause we're good friends.

• 12:18Andrew Santino?

  You were dogs. How many people were there?

• 12:21Speaker 03

  Mike was his other roommate, I think Pat was maybe there? Yeah, I think it was like three boys probably in a studio.

• 12:27Andrew Santino?

  In one room.

• 12:27Speaker 03

  No, I'm just kidding.

• 12:30Speaker 03

  I feel like Dave's bed was not kidding, in the pantry. And we were just like.

• 12:35Andrew Santino?

  Dude, my first bed, I've told this stupid story, my first bed in LA, my first room was a partitioned off dining room.

• 12:42Speaker 03

  Same.

• 12:43Andrew Santino?

  My light was a old chandelier.

• 12:45Speaker 03

  Same!

• 12:45Andrew Santino?

  No!

• 12:46Speaker 03

  Yes!

• 12:47Andrew Santino?

  My light was a chandelier.

• 12:48Speaker 03

  My rent was 650.

• 12:49Andrew Santino?

  Oh dude, I got you beat. Do you remember my rent? I've bragged to you before, do you remember what it was? Four twenty-five.

• 12:54Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 12:55Andrew Santino?

  Uh, it was a, it, cause it was a one bathroom for four people.

• 12:58Speaker 03

  Ours was one bath for three girls.

• 13:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 13:01Speaker 03

  And I was a, we actually went as far as to not just a partition, um, my friend Heidi, who I was living with, um, was really handy and, and we put up a, like a drywall with a pocket door. What? I know.

• 13:12Andrew Santino?

  Fuck you guys.

• 13:12Speaker 03

  And then when they came to inspect it, we had to tear it down.

• 13:15Andrew Santino?

  Mine.

• 13:15Speaker 03

  But it was.

• 13:16Andrew Santino?

  Was it butted up to the kitchen?

• 13:18Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:18Andrew Santino?

  Okay, so then, in, in the middle of the night, when I'd be, come home fucked up, the, the, the, the whole conversation was, there was a back door that led out to like a, um.

• 13:27Speaker 03

  Parking lot?

• 13:27Andrew Santino?

  No, no, it was like a alleyway.

• 13:29Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 13:29Andrew Santino?

  Which, uh, in LA is like, there's an alleyway?

• 13:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:31Andrew Santino?

  There was an alleyway in between our apartment complexes. And the whole thing was like, please don't come in the front door, come in the back door, cause you can bypass the kitchen and go to the other side of the apartment. Then I won't hear you, because the front door is my fucking door.

• 13:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:44Andrew Santino?

  That's my fucking door.

• 13:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:45Andrew Santino?

  So please don't. So then people would go through the back door, but then coming to the kitchen blacked out. So it's almost, it was like.

• 13:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:52Andrew Santino?

  That defeats the entire fucking purpose of the back door.

• 13:54Speaker 03

  Making nachos.

• 13:55Andrew Santino?

  Drunk, ju- ju- all you'd hear is, hold on, shut, shut, hold on, touch it, grab it. You'd hear that, you'd hear like hooking up, shit, I'd be like. And my, my head was right near the kitchen wall, so I was just like, oh, I'm gonna fucking kill myself. And I was working as a P A, hating every second of every day, just like every day I woke up, I thought, my life sucks, this place fucking sucks, my job is shit. Those are the days where you're like, I better get good at comedy really fucking fast. Cause I'll kill myself.

• 14:21Speaker 03

  Or figure it out, cause I, and then also sometimes your peers start getting things. I remember one specific was, um, Sean O'Connor got a Prius, and I remember thinking like. Motherfucker. Someday, I gotta get a Prius.

• 14:32Andrew Santino?

  Motherfucker got a Prius.

• 14:33Speaker 03

  I know.

• 14:33Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, like when I saw people that had, like I had to, our laundromat was down the block, and I would walk it. Uh, even, e- e- and even then, when I did get a car, I'd walk it, and I remember walking it and being like, what's that like to not have to fucking go somewhere else for laundry?

• 14:47Speaker 03

  In-unit laundry?

• 14:48Andrew Santino?

  I was fu- I was like, that's the coolest shit on planet earth. When I'd go to someone's apartment and, and they're like, oh, it's in the, in the laundry thing, and I would open the door and be like, wow.

• 14:57Speaker 03

  This is amazing.

• 14:58Andrew Santino?

  Where'd you guys get these, man? Are these new? Is this the, is this the forty-two seventy-five?

• 15:01Speaker 03

  Can I just have a minute in here with those?

• 15:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, just holding on to it. In unit was, do you have in unit in your place? No, yeah.

• 15:08Speaker 03

  Someday you will.

• 15:09Andrew Santino?

  But your apartment itself, the complex does. Right, yeah, see our, we didn't have a complex, it was a duplex house, so we had to go to the laundromat.

• 15:16Speaker 03

  I only got that when I finally got my own place, which seemed unfathomable, to have my own place.

• 15:22Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 15:22Speaker 03

  I remember moving here and being like, how do people do it? How do you get your own place?

• 15:26Andrew Santino?

  It still feels that way sometimes when I look around this fucking city.

• 15:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:29Andrew Santino?

  I think about, and also same thing, whenever I'm in New York, I'm like, the density of New York, it's when you're driving anywhere, you know, when you're like driving out of the city going to the airport, and you're like, look how fucking dense.

• 15:38Speaker 03

  I know.

• 15:39Andrew Santino?

  How unbearably dense this is. How are all these people living and surviving?

• 15:42Speaker 03

  I don't know.

• 15:42Andrew Santino?

  It creeps, it gives me like a weird dystopian.

• 15:45Speaker 03

  I get like that when I think about waste and trash, and I don't necessarily mean it in a tree hugger way. I mean like, I go, where is it all going?

• 15:53Andrew Santino?

  Where is it going?

• 15:54Speaker 03

  I'm scared. What I throw, I could, I'm, I'm using 24 napkins a meal.

• 16:00Speaker 03

  I gotta stop.

• 16:00Andrew Santino?

  You are the napkin girl.

• 16:01Speaker 03

  I have to be stopped.

• 16:02Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you really do have to slow down.

• 16:03Speaker 03

  Crunch, crunch, crunch.

• 16:04Andrew Santino?

  We've talked about it.

• 16:05Speaker 03

  Crunch, crunch, crunch.

• 16:05Andrew Santino?

  And let's be honest, do, we all do that. I was eating a bagel on the, in the car ride down, and I, every, every time I wipe my mouth, I've got a napkin.

• 16:13Speaker 03

  I know.

• 16:14Andrew Santino?

  What a loser thing to do.

• 16:15Speaker 03

  The other one has cream cheese on it.

• 16:15Andrew Santino?

  Right, I don't want that back on my face, I just got it off.

• 16:17Speaker 03

  I don't have in washer unit.

• 16:19Andrew Santino?

  I am, I, I will say there are things I'm very not wasteful of.

• 16:23Speaker 03

  I have it now.

• 16:24Andrew Santino?

  What are you the most wasteful of, though?

• 16:27Speaker 03

  I do feel like it might be napkins.

• 16:29Andrew Santino?

  Napkins is, that's not the end of the world. Paper towels is, that's fine.

• 16:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:33Andrew Santino?

  It's not, that's not the end.

• 16:33Speaker 03

  I think it might be napkins.

• 16:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, because you use a lot of them.

• 16:36Speaker 03

  I'm trying to think about what else I would be wasteful with.

• 16:38Andrew Santino?

  I'm, I'm not gonna even lie, I'm pretty wasteful with water, I didn't used to be.

• 16:41Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 16:42Andrew Santino?

  Like, I didn't used to take long showers. Yes, but I, now I take crazy long showers. When I was young, it was like, well, because back then, you had to get in, get out, go.

• 16:49Speaker 03

  Usually it's the opposite, because when you're young, you're in there yanking your.

• 16:52Andrew Santino?

  No, no, I would yank pre-shower.

• 16:54Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 16:54Andrew Santino?

  I'd pre-shower yank. I never liked a water wank, I never liked water wanking. It's just something about it bothers, I just.

• 17:00Speaker 03

  You like keeping it separate?

• 17:01Andrew Santino?

  I like keeping those things separate. That's my wash off, that's my get clean.

• 17:05Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 17:05Andrew Santino?

  There was also like shower sex and hooking up in the shower.

• 17:08Speaker 03

  Uh-uh.

• 17:08Andrew Santino?

  I like the idea of, the idea of starting something in there, let's go.

• 17:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm not into shower either, it's like trying to shove a pool noodle into like a, I don't really. It's like the opposite of lube.

• 17:20Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, water sex is weird. It's, it also is no comfortable, but you, and you have to like brace each other. And you never think about this when you're young. Now as an older man, I think, what if I fell?

• 17:29Speaker 03

  Oh, God.

• 17:30Andrew Santino?

  What if I, it's a slip fuck?

• 17:31Speaker 03

  Oh, God.

• 17:32Andrew Santino?

  How did he break his neck?

• 17:33Speaker 03

  Could you imagine looking down at someone with a cracked skull, like, and then still coming? Ugh! Oh, no.

• 17:40Andrew Santino?

  Just a broken neck from a shower fuck is so funny to, I mean, this has gotta be in the TV show or movie, so it had to have happened somewhere.

• 17:45Speaker 03

  Getting very hurt.

• 17:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, just, oh, breaking your collarbone while fucking is so funny to me.

• 17:51Speaker 03

  Also, even time, and I remember in high school trying to have sex in a pool and it barely worked. It's like, it's not meant to do that.

• 17:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's, I've done that.

• 17:58Speaker 03

  It's like somehow water is dry.

• 17:59Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, water is dry. I did, I did, um, hot tub sex once in high school.

• 18:04Speaker 03

  Same.

• 18:05Andrew Santino?

  And I remember how awful that was.

• 18:06Speaker 03

  It wasn't good. It hurt.

• 18:07Andrew Santino?

  And also then her girlfriend-

• 18:08Speaker 03

  Obviously, we're different parts here, but still.

• 18:10Andrew Santino?

  So says you. And then her girlfriend goes, um, ew, that's gross. And she was like, it's not fucking, shut the fuck up. And she was like, a little embarrassed about it. And I was like, I don't think that's fucking gross. Why is that gross? And she was like, uh, there's, not for you, but for a girl so much, that water can cause bacteria. And I was like, oh, that doesn't make a lot of sense.

• 18:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, shoving, yeah. Basically a little Petri dish, working on a-

• 18:32Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that was a bad, yeah, she was right. That girl was a bitch, but she was also very correct.

• 18:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, but she didn't deserve to have her cave infiltrated with bacteria.

• 18:37Andrew Santino?

  No. She started it, by the way. She knows who she is. She was the one that-

• 18:41Speaker 03

  You started it.

• 18:42Andrew Santino?

  And her parents were right inside.

• 18:44Speaker 03

  No!

• 18:44Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it was kinda tight.

• 18:45Speaker 03

  Oh, my God!

• 18:46Andrew Santino?

  She started and I was like, what are you doing? And she was like, who fucking cares? And I thought, this is so hot. And also, you know what I mean? Like, I thought, what a badass bitch. And she was like, who gives a fuck? And I was like, that's your dad and your mom are right there. And your mom's so nice to me. I thought, they're never gonna like me again.

• 19:02Speaker 03

  I can't do this to your mom.

• 19:05Andrew Santino?

  I can't do this to Kathy. Kathy's gonna lose her mind if she catches us in here.

• 19:09Speaker 03

  They couldn't, they weren't in the line of vision, right?

• 19:12Andrew Santino?

  No, but they're in the house. It was just like such a foolish endeavor.

• 19:14Speaker 03

  I was in the basement doing stuff with people right upstairs.

• 19:16Andrew Santino?

  That, but basement's hot shit. Basement's Midwest finest. That's where you learn to hook up.

• 19:20Speaker 03

  That is what I was doing.

• 19:21Andrew Santino?

  That was my first hookup was in a basement. Was yours, where was yours? Car? Basement?

• 19:24Speaker 03

  Basement.

• 19:24Andrew Santino?

  Basement, what about you? Basement? Isn't that great, Midwest kids?

• 19:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:27Andrew Santino?

  Mid, that's what it is. It's the best- Place to like have you and the parents know.

• 19:32Speaker 03

  It's nice and cool. You're not gonna come up as sweaty.

• 19:34Andrew Santino?

  Right, and mom and dad know.

• 19:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:37Andrew Santino?

  Dad always, dad made comments. He's told me one time, he goes, you know, I saved your fucking ass the other day. I said, what are you talking about? He's like, you're down there with what's her name? And I was like, we're just hanging out. He's like, shut up. And he, cause he was pissed at me about something else. So he just wanted to put it on me that he was like, no, I saved your little fucking ass, so watch it. Watch your shit with me, cause I, cause mom wanted to come down and check on what you're doing and I said, leave him alone. And I was like, well, thank you. And I'm sorry about whatever I did that annoyed you.

• 20:05Speaker 03

  That's so funny.

• 20:06Andrew Santino?

  The amount of times that parents, the stuff that they have on us. Like the book that if my parents were ever like writers could write about how many embarrassing things they've got, you know what I mean?

• 20:15Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 20:16Andrew Santino?

  Like, this rarely happens to women, I feel like, but. I got caught wanking.

• 20:21Speaker 03

  Really?

• 20:22Andrew Santino?

  Well, dude, I got caught wanking and I got caught getting head. My mom walked in on me getting head.

• 20:27Speaker 03

  Thanks.

• 20:27Andrew Santino?

  And it was maybe the most painful thing. I mean, it hurt her feelings so much.

• 20:31Speaker 03

  Really?

• 20:32Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, because she had to leave. Like, she had to walk out and my parents are there and be like, bye.

• 20:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's, you never got caught.

• 20:40Speaker 03

  No.

• 20:40Andrew Santino?

  Never.

• 20:41Speaker 03

  Well, I will say we got really freaking close one time at my high school boyfriend's.

• 20:45Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 20:46Speaker 03

  And the lies you make up are absolutely insane.

• 20:50Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah.

• 20:50Speaker 03

  I'm not kidding, I'm pretty sure we cut a little bit of his hair. To be like, we were just up there, I was giving him a haircut, that's why we're wet, our hair's wet, because we were in the shower and I had to give him a haircut and then hair over me.

• 20:58Andrew Santino?

  When you heard the moaning, it was because he was upset about the haircut. That's what that was.

• 21:01Speaker 03

  And we didn't get to finish the haircut.

• 21:03Andrew Santino?

  The haircut.

• 21:03Speaker 03

  Which is why we're down here and wet.

• 21:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you have to tell like a period of bullshit. The amount of bullshit.

• 21:10Speaker 03

  I did that with booze too. My mom was like, have you been drinking? And I was like, I just had pretzels. Like, what? I guess it's pretty good, both yeasty in a way, but I was like.

• 21:19Andrew Santino?

  That's what you're smelling right now.

• 21:20Speaker 03

  I'm like.

• 21:21Andrew Santino?

  You're smelling pretzels. And drugs, whenever I came home high.

• 21:26Speaker 03

  I wasn't a high, I wasn't a weed kid.

• 21:28Andrew Santino?

  My mom only a few times did she snap on me. She's like, you think, you think I don't know that you're stoned? And I was like, I'm not fucking stoned. Immediately, they're like, any, there is no response.

• 21:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:41Andrew Santino?

  That you could say that would clear you. Because even if you're like, you're like, you're being crazy, immediately they're like, you're high. And if you're like, what do you, I don't even smoke pot, you're like, you're high.

• 21:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:51Andrew Santino?

  There's no way to get, so whenever she caught me.

• 21:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:54Andrew Santino?

  She'd be like, I can tell. I can tell, by the way, she would say stuff like that, and I'd be like, what are you talking about?

• 21:58Speaker 03

  I don't know.

• 21:59Andrew Santino?

  Immediately knows that I'm high. One, one time, this is insane.

• 22:01Speaker 03

  Was it strong? Were you getting high a lot then?

• 22:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I used to get high a lot.

• 22:04Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 22:05Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I used to love to get high. I got high every day. For, for like, like 20 years, I got high every day.

• 22:09Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 22:09Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I only quit getting high not that long ago. I mean, I still get high once in a while. But not like I used to. I used, I, I get high now in the backyard with a couple of friends late at night.

• 22:20Speaker 03

  Was it a choice, or did you have like a, one of those freak out moments?

• 22:23Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 22:23Speaker 03

  Cause I had a couple of friends that like eventually just kind of turned on them and they started having paranoia.

• 22:27Andrew Santino?

  No, I didn't have any of that.

• 22:28Speaker 03

  Okay, good.

• 22:29Andrew Santino?

  Honestly, for me, it was, um, for me, it was like, I was like, oh, I, I think I, I don't like doing this as much as I was doing it. I kind of had a few moments of like, I probably would get more done if I didn't do this. Like it would just sideline stuff, cause I like to get high and do things. But I found as I got older, doing things while high was harder. It used to be a breeze.

• 22:51Speaker 03

  I know, things are, things are absolutely changing with age.

• 22:54Andrew Santino?

  I know, it sucks.

• 22:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, I, in fact, I was like earlier, and I was like, I'm gonna make sure Andrew's wants to do too.

• 23:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 23:01Speaker 03

  And then I'm sitting there with Sickler, he goes, you just texted me. I'm like, I'm old. I just texted you.

• 23:07Andrew Santino?

  Right, oh, you texted right.

• 23:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, I texted him. Are we still doing 2pm? He's like, you might want to text that to Andrew.

• 23:14Speaker 03

  There's moments where I'm just like, "Yeah, I'm on."

• 23:16Speaker 05

  In here, we pour whiskey.

• 23:19Andrew Santino?

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• 24:05Andrew Santino?

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• 24:47Andrew Santino?

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• 25:31Andrew Santino?

  to get up to $200 in profit cash immediately. And I am someone who is excited football season is. A few sniffs away, alright? It's a few sniffs away and baseball season is a-humming away. It's beautiful. And I am into ProfitX because of the peer-to-peer exchange. I prefer it. So if you're like me and you want a little something extra, a little spice, a little sauce for the gravy, huh? A little something in there? A little tinge of something? Go ahead and download ProfitX. Use the promo code WHISKY to get up to $200 in profit cash today.

• 26:04Speaker 03

  Ginger. I like tingers.

• 26:07Andrew Santino?

  I just caught someone do the... You know when you watch the delete?

• 26:10Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 26:11Andrew Santino?

  Oh, I caught it? So I was going to stay out at Tim Dillon's house and the woman that helps, like, his house manager, or whatever you want. I don't know what the terminology is.

• 26:20Speaker 03

  Servant.

• 26:20Andrew Santino?

  I'm texting, yeah. So his slave is... I'm texting her and I said, "Hey, I think I'm actually gonna stay Friday, if that's okay." I was supposed to go Thursday, but I don't want to drive back to the city. I'm a little da-da-da, if that's okay? Just letting you know. Because I check with Timmy.

• 26:34Andrew Santino?

  And then a text pops up. I see the dot-dot-dot and I just have it already open. Usually I throw it down. I am like, "Oh, right away, pretty fast." And then she writes, "Fuck, he's staying till Friday." And then, and then, and then, boop, then it's gone. And then she immediately... And then something else, she goes, "Cool, if you need anything else, please let me know." I was like...

• 26:51Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 26:52Andrew Santino?

  It's so fun to like, watch someone and you know she was like, "Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck."

• 26:57Speaker 03

  What, you think you... Do you think you ruined... Because was he there?

• 27:00Andrew Santino?

  He was supposed to come out.

• 27:01Speaker 03

  I was gonna say, what if you ruined her little party plan?

• 27:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I wonder. I did think about that.

• 27:05Speaker 03

  When Tim's away, the kitty cat plays.

• 27:08Andrew Santino?

  I was like, what did I fuck up for this girl? She obviously might have wanted something to have happened, but I...

• 27:12Speaker 03

  Dominelectric shoot.

• 27:13Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it would have been so hot, though. And me just on the balcony, sipping tea, watching. Go off, queen!

• 27:19Speaker 03

  Oh my god. Sorry, random hard transition. I don't know why I thought of it. I have been making myself sick, staying up till 4:00 in the morning binge-watching that show, Animal Kingdom, on Netflix.

• 27:29Andrew Santino?

  Wait, you just started this?

• 27:30Speaker 03

  I just started Animal Kingdom.

• 27:32Andrew Santino?

  And you're obsessed?

• 27:33Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 27:33Andrew Santino?

  How far along are you?

• 27:34Speaker 03

  I'm ill. I think I'm like, season three, or I'm going into season four. I started like, two days ago.

• 27:40Andrew Santino?

  You're obsessed? You've seen this? You've seen Animal Kingdom?

• 27:42Speaker 03

  You know why I got onto it was, um... The pit and that one doctor that's on it was so intriguing to me. And then when he posted the final season of Animal Kingdom, I was like, "That guy's in that?" And then I went over here and I'm like, "Hot guy surfing and doing crime."

• 27:57Andrew Santino?

  What's his name?

• 27:59Speaker 03

  Oh, Sean Haddacy.

• 28:00Andrew Santino?

  Haddacy.

• 28:01Speaker 03

  Yeah. He's just so unique. Did you watch that show?

• 28:04Andrew Santino?

  No, but it's so funny. Hold on. Your type of guy that you're into is like a transformer. It's ever-changing. I have no idea what it is.

• 28:12Speaker 03

  I don't have a type.

• 28:13Andrew Santino?

  You don't?

• 28:13Speaker 03

  I don't.

• 28:14Andrew Santino?

  You, when someone says, "I don't really think," I don't buy it.

• 28:16Speaker 03

  Maybe alcoholic.

• 28:17Andrew Santino?

  Yes.

• 28:19Speaker 03

  I like the competition.

• 28:22Andrew Santino?

  Me or the bottle?

• 28:23Speaker 03

  Are you gonna choose me?

• 28:25Andrew Santino?

  Both.

• 28:25Speaker 03

  Ooh.

• 28:26Andrew Santino?

  No, you just, since I've known you, I've never, no one could ever go, "Yeah, that guy looks exactly like her for the last boyfriend." Every guy is, you have this great wide array of like, "Yeah, I like that about that guy. I like that." Which is interesting. It must mean that what you really like is one very specific thing in people that they all share. It's not a look thing. Because they don't look, none of the looks have the same. So it must be a personality trait.

• 28:52Speaker 03

  I like humor.

• 28:54Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but it's beyond that.

• 28:55Speaker 03

  I think that's silly to say.

• 28:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. Either something in each of those partners that's something...

• 29:00Speaker 03

  But Adam is the best, I think. I mean, he's my boyfriend.

• 29:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 29:05Speaker 03

  I know that sounds stupid to say because he's my current boyfriend. But he is, he's just like a good heart. He's so funny. He happens to be hot.

• 29:13Andrew Santino?

  What's the through line, though, for all the guys? What do you think it is if you could try to pin it?

• 29:19Andrew Santino?

  Even the bad ones? Even the ones that you're like, "Oh, that guy sucked," or whatever? What is it?

• 29:26Speaker 03

  Do you have an idea? I really feel like I don't.

• 29:29Andrew Santino?

  No, I can't really say. It's not height.

• 29:32Andrew Santino?

  It's definitely not height.

• 29:34Speaker 03

  You know, lately I've been getting so much when I got offstage, "Whoa, you're huge." I mean, not that, but... They're like, "You're tall." I've been getting a lot of that. Maybe it's these gazelles.

• 29:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's those lifted gazelles.

• 29:43Speaker 03

  But I get in a lot of, "How tall are you?" One of my mom's favorite... I'm 5'9".

• 29:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but you're not, I don't see...

• 29:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm not like a six-foot woman. My mom's favorite joke is a true story about when I was living over in Los Feliz and I would go to Albertson's and the guy bagging me up, he goes, "You play ball?"

• 30:02Andrew Santino?

  Tell me you lied.

• 30:03Speaker 03

  It's my mom's favorite joke.

• 30:04Andrew Santino?

  You gotta lie.

• 30:05Speaker 03

  I didn't. By the way, I was just in a regular outfit, like not basketball gear or anything.

• 30:10Andrew Santino?

  But 5'9" is not like, oh, clearly she's in college basketball.

• 30:13Speaker 03

  I feel like the joke, one of the tags at least to it was like, your hands, something like, "Your hands are huge. I don't think you need a bag. Get out of here. Spat my ass."

• 30:22Speaker 03

  I feel like that was the tag.

• 30:22Andrew Santino?

  Have a good game.

• 30:23Speaker 03

  Have a good game.

• 30:24Andrew Santino?

  Just carrying all of your groceries with your mitts here.

• 30:26Speaker 03

  I can palm my groceries.

• 30:27Andrew Santino?

  I'll be back.

• 30:28Speaker 04

  The average height is crazy low, though, for white women in the US.

• 30:31Andrew Santino?

  What is it? 5'4"?

• 30:33Speaker 04

  What do you think?

• 30:34Andrew Santino?

  Average height for a white woman?

• 30:35Speaker 03

  Average height? I was gonna say, that's pretty spot on. I'm gonna say 5'3".

• 30:39Speaker 04

  5'3.5".

• 30:41Speaker 03

  We split it.

• 30:42Andrew Santino?

  Nah, you won. I went over.

• 30:44Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 30:44Andrew Santino?

  It's just like in Price is Right, if I go over, you're out. 5'3" won.

• 30:47Speaker 03

  Wow. So I am pretty tall.

• 30:49Andrew Santino?

  Okay, well, what country, how about this? I wanna know, what country has the tallest women on average? Let's guess at this, because I do think...

• 30:55Speaker 03

  Okay, tallest on average, I'm just gonna throw Sweden out.

• 30:58Andrew Santino?

  God damn it, I was gonna do a Nordic country, something up there.

• 31:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:02Andrew Santino?

  I'll say...

• 31:03Speaker 03

  Or we could go Africa, like some of the runners down there are tall.

• 31:05Andrew Santino?

  Nigeria?

• 31:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:07Andrew Santino?

  No, I still think the Nordic weirdos, that's Viking weirdo shit way up there.

• 31:10Speaker 03

  Okay, Nordic.

• 31:11Andrew Santino?

  I'm gonna go...

• 31:11Speaker 03

  I said Sweden.

• 31:12Andrew Santino?

  She said Sweden, maybe Denmark?

• 31:15Speaker 03

  Maybe Germany.

• 31:16Andrew Santino?

  Germany could be real, Germany might be it. What is it?

• 31:18Speaker 04

  So we got five listed? You guys haven't listed any of them.

• 31:20Andrew Santino?

  Whoa, and you know what? You're being mean.

• 31:23Speaker 03

  Okay, tallest?

• 31:24Andrew Santino?

  Let's think.

• 31:26Speaker 03

  Russia?

• 31:27Speaker 04

  Tallest is...

• 31:28Andrew Santino?

  Is it an Eastern European country that's number one?

• 31:30Speaker 04

  I think.

• 31:31Andrew Santino?

  Oh, you think? So this is also gonna embarrass you. How about that? Not just gonna make us look fucking bad. It should also double down on you.

• 31:37Speaker 03

  So it wasn't, okay.

• 31:40Andrew Santino?

  Let's think, like a, you know, like Kazakhstan, like that?

• 31:45Speaker 04

  So I'll give you the three. The top two have a height, then the three, they said they also, the other three that are also high are Estonia, Denmark, and Latvia.

• 31:52Andrew Santino?

  I said Denmark.

• 31:53Speaker 03

  Okay, Denmark.

• 31:53Andrew Santino?

  I said Denmark.

• 31:54Speaker 03

  You did?

• 31:55Andrew Santino?

  I did say Denmark. What do you mean? That was literally my guess, when she said...

• 31:58Speaker 04

  The top two, though.

• 31:59Speaker 03

  So that was the three that are also tall?

• 32:01Speaker 04

  Yeah, those are the three, four, five.

• 32:02Speaker 03

  But the top three, how about, we're at top two.

• 32:06Andrew Santino?

  And Germany was a no, and, and, like Hungary, or like, no, nothing over there, like not the Czech Republic, not like...

• 32:15Speaker 03

  Nobody's saying China.

• 32:16Andrew Santino?

  Latvia, not China, not Korea, no Asian countries, not even South Asian.

• 32:21Speaker 03

  Oh, how...

• 32:23Andrew Santino?

  Oh, maybe a Pacific island?

• 32:26Speaker 03

  Green Greenland.

• 32:26Speaker 04

  You guys were like around it, but you haven't, you haven't said it.

• 32:29Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 32:31Andrew Santino?

  Well, it's not Western Europe.

• 32:31Speaker 03

  Norway? It's not Norway?

• 32:32Andrew Santino?

  It's all Eastern Europe. Oh, is it not Norway?

• 32:35Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 32:35Andrew Santino?

  Is it the Netherlands?

• 32:37Speaker 04

  It is, that's number one.

• 32:37Speaker 03

  Oh my gosh!

• 32:39Andrew Santino?

  Nice.

• 32:39Speaker 04

  That's number one.

• 32:40Speaker 03

  I was kind of thinking that, you know what? We played the, in field hockey, hockey, in field hockey.

• 32:46Andrew Santino?

  That's how they say it, for those that don't know.

• 32:47Speaker 03

  We played the Netherlands, on their shirt, it actually says Netherlands with a D.

• 32:51Andrew Santino?

  Netherlands, yeah, Netherlands.

• 32:53Speaker 03

  And they are big women, and they messed this finger up pretty bad, to the point where like the ball hit me on this end, I had gloves on, and you see that, like little flap?

• 33:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, the little nub?

• 33:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:02Andrew Santino?

  What is that? That's from a-

• 33:03Speaker 03

  That's me rushing out of the goal, and them driving it into the, into the goal, trying to, and it hitting me right here, through my glove, against my stick, and it busting through to the other side. I was like, I gotta come off. I can't feel my hand, I can't hold my stick. And then we ran into them the next day in South Africa, oh sorry, um, in, at, like the Penguin Island area? Wherever we were, I can't remember. Penguin Beach?

• 33:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 33:29Speaker 03

  Boulder Beach. And they saw me and they're like, "Oh, how's your finger?" Like, they remembered.

• 33:33Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 33:34Speaker 03

  And then they said, "You wanna see the video of it?" Cause they're like, had their tape ready.

• 33:37Andrew Santino?

  They've been watching it on tape, yeah.

• 33:38Speaker 03

  And then they had, the coach showed it, and he's like, "Ooh."

• 33:41Andrew Santino?

  It looked bad.

• 33:41Speaker 03

  Yeah. Anyway, so it's the Netherlands.

• 33:43Andrew Santino?

  The Netherlands women are tough. Wait, when you were playing what?

• 33:45Speaker 03

  October, this last October.

• 33:47Andrew Santino?

  No shit.

• 33:48Speaker 03

  We played, I played, the last couple of years I played for the US Women's Masters team.

• 33:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. Stop, stop not bragging about that.

• 33:55Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 33:55Andrew Santino?

  You guys have pushed that out, that's fucking amazing.

• 33:57Speaker 03

  I will say, since then, I did the-

• 33:59Andrew Santino?

  There's a 29-year-old woman that's on the, that's on the women's, do you know what I mean? Like, why not say it? Why not talk about it?

• 34:05Speaker 03

  But, because I think sometimes people go, "Oh, the national team?" I'm like, no, that's like, women who are still in college, and like 22-year-old women who are absolutely ripped, in such good shape.

• 34:14Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but you're still doing it.

• 34:15Speaker 03

  I am still doing it. Since that tournament, I will say, I feel like I'm a faucet, when it comes, I'm like- I'm the, I'm this type of personality that's, it's either all in or all off.

• 34:26Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 34:26Speaker 03

  Since October, I was like, let me start smoking again and carry around three different types just to see what I'm into. You know, like, and then I was like not working out, so I, this last month, I've been trying to get moving again. Cause there's a tournament in August and I need to try out.

• 34:37Andrew Santino?

  We all go through this, by the way. This is, this is a comedian's plight.

• 34:40Speaker 03

  It is.

• 34:40Andrew Santino?

  I'll go through this like insane, clean out, sober, no drink, workout every day.

• 34:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:45Andrew Santino?

  And then I'll go into like, I'm gonna eat and drink whatever I want.

• 34:47Speaker 03

  I did that.

• 34:48Andrew Santino?

  Until I don't feel anything anymore.

• 34:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:50Andrew Santino?

  And then I get a sore throat and I'm like, I gotta calm down. I gotta calm down. What did you say about the height?

• 34:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:55Speaker 04

  I was just gonna say, guess what the height is?

• 34:56Andrew Santino?

  Oh, the height in, in the Netherlands?

• 34:58Speaker 03

  I'm gonna say six, I'm gonna say, is it average?

• 35:01Andrew Santino?

  The average.

• 35:02Speaker 03

  Six foot?

• 35:02Andrew Santino?

  No, no, it's five nine and some change.

• 35:06Speaker 04

  Five seven point one.

• 35:07Andrew Santino?

  Damn.

• 35:07Speaker 03

  Whoa.

• 35:08Andrew Santino?

  That's not even that big.

• 35:09Speaker 04

  No. Number two was Montenegro.

• 35:11Andrew Santino?

  Montenegro?

• 35:12Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 35:12Andrew Santino?

  What's Montenegro? Five six and some change?

• 35:14Speaker 04

  Five six point nine.

• 35:16Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 35:17Andrew Santino?

  You know, it's, it is funny. I never see, see you as a tall girl, though. I never have because I'm, I'm above you anyway.

• 35:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, you're above me.

• 35:23Andrew Santino?

  And that's just a tall guy thing.

• 35:24Speaker 03

  Looking down.

• 35:25Andrew Santino?

  That's just a tall boy thing. That's just who we are.

• 35:27Speaker 03

  Just a tall boy.

• 35:28Andrew Santino?

  When I was young, though, man, was I obsessed with tall girls.

• 35:30Speaker 03

  Really?

• 35:31Andrew Santino?

  Oh, my god.

• 35:32Speaker 03

  That's interesting.

• 35:33Andrew Santino?

  Obsessed. I was obsessed. Well, I was very tall as a kid. I grew faster than a lot of my friends. So.

• 35:38Speaker 03

  I was dealing with loving small boys.

• 35:40Andrew Santino?

  You were into small boys?

• 35:41Speaker 03

  Yeah. When, when Sandler came out with that Bar Mitzvah, um, song.

• 35:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. The Hanukkah song.

• 35:47Speaker 03

  I had like three photos to pull from of me dancing with a small boy that was like right here.

• 35:53Andrew Santino?

  Head rested at their bar mitzvah. That's so cool. Yeah, you had the small boy. I, I was obsessed with taller girls. My girlfriend at high school was tall. Like every girl I kinda started to crush on was always a little, was taller for some reason because, uh.

• 36:07Speaker 03

  Do you have a type? Like even since back then?

• 36:09Andrew Santino?

  I would say.

• 36:10Speaker 03

  Besides tall gal?

• 36:12Andrew Santino?

  I never, the only thing the through line for me was, it was never blondes.

• 36:16Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 36:17Andrew Santino?

  It was never blondes.

• 36:18Speaker 03

  It reminds me of, um, Connor from Love on the Spectrum. He was like, I can't date blondes.

• 36:23Andrew Santino?

  I love Connor so much. Blondes are not my style.

• 36:32Andrew Santino?

  The light hair gives me the creeps.

• 36:37Speaker 03

  I love him so much.

• 36:38Andrew Santino?

  Dude, he's the greatest. We do it all the time.

• 36:40Speaker 03

  God, he's good.

• 36:41Andrew Santino?

  They are the greatest people. We've invited them to be on pods. They won't. Nobody wants to come on our shows.

• 36:46Speaker 03

  Really?

• 36:47Andrew Santino?

  I just think they get inundated with press.

• 36:49Speaker 03

  I think so too, because I saw Tanner was on Kelly Clarkson's show, and I don't know if I've seen Connor doing any pods or anything.

• 36:56Andrew Santino?

  No, I don't think so. I don't think we've seen them do anything. What about James? I do love James.

• 37:01Speaker 03

  Oh my gosh.

• 37:02Andrew Santino?

  Yes, yes, yes. Is the smoke bothering you? I like how he just gets very intent, but he means, and he's so sweet to that girl. He's so nice. He's like, yes, would you like to sit?

• 37:15Speaker 03

  Oh my god, his obsession with no kids and no pets.

• 37:17Andrew Santino?

  Yes. They're filthy creatures. I just love that they're, the beauty is how particular that we all are, but they say it.

• 37:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:28Andrew Santino?

  We're all, we have, we all have these things, but nobody wants to say it because you're like, hey, you're not supposed to say that stuff, or whatever the fuck rule we're abiding by socially. You should. By the way, this happened the other day, on the fucking airplane, there is a line for the fucking bathroom. One of them is broken. We're all in the same line. And then a guy, a guy, goes like the other way around the thing and goes to like the other side.

• 37:51Speaker 03

  No.

• 37:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And old Santeens pipes up because no one wanted to say anything. This woman kind of starts to go and then he starts to go and I go, no, no, no. She was, and then this is right here, dude. And then he goes like this, like a fuck me thing. But you know what's so funny is people just don't want to deal with that moment of like, hey dude, she's next. And then I, and then we've all been here.

• 38:17Speaker 03

  I don't, it's so frustrating. That's very frustrating.

• 38:19Andrew Santino?

  People hate confrontation so much.

• 38:21Speaker 03

  Because I can't understand that guy. How could you do that? How do you live, like, I'm not saying live with yourself, but.

• 38:26Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no. How do you fucking live with yourself, you piece of shit?

• 38:29Speaker 03

  How do you stand there and then be like, if she's, I know, they're not going to say anything, so I'll just do it.

• 38:33Andrew Santino?

  It's, it's one of two things. It's either entitlement, which this wasn't the case here. This was more.

• 38:39Speaker 03

  With him?

• 38:39Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, no. No, cuz you can tell someone that's entitled is kind of flippant about everything. Where nicely entitled people when I'm traveling, they're not paying attention to other people's spaces.

• 38:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:48Andrew Santino?

  They assume it's okay. It's like, well dude, you're in the fucking, what are you doing? That's more of entitlement, like hello, what are you doing? And some guys on their phone like, okay, and you're like, oh, okay, so you think you're-

• 38:59Speaker 03

  Zero awareness of other people's space.

• 39:01Andrew Santino?

  But this is not entitlement. This was a case to me of like sheer like- Who care, it's whatever, right? I mean, fuck it. This guy, the guy that's like, uh, I didn't think it was that big of a deal.

• 39:11Speaker 03

  See, that's interesting cuz I think, I think-

• 39:14Andrew Santino?

  And I hate that guy.

• 39:14Speaker 03

  Almost it flips for me. I think he's entitled. And sometimes we're so addicted, everyone's so addicted to their phones, that they're just not paying attention. And if you, and I think if you were to say hello, they'd be like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I think some people are more-

• 39:29Andrew Santino?

  Okay, I got you again. Women, yes. Men, no.

• 39:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:33Andrew Santino?

  That's what it is. The woman voice that you just did of the, oh my god, I'm so sorry.

• 39:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:36Andrew Santino?

  The guy thing, that guy on the phone, I go, dude, and he's like-

• 39:40Speaker 03

  What?

• 39:40Andrew Santino?

  I don't fuck, alright dude, that's, okay, this is why.

• 39:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:44Andrew Santino?

  It's the guy thing versus like a-

• 39:46Speaker 03

  You know what?

• 39:46Andrew Santino?

  Flippant, a flippant dude.

• 39:48Speaker 03

  I know, there are plenty of times when I'm in an airport where I'm just sort of like, come on, like, just look around you and know that like other people- Cuz there are a few times where I'm so tired, like I had a really bad travel day yesterday, like-

• 40:01Andrew Santino?

  Same.

• 40:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was like everything was kind of going wrong. I got to the airport an hour before a 6:40 flight, this is me leaving Spokane. Everybody was like, small airport, you'll be fine. I get there, I'm in the first class line, at the airport, there's like seven people in front of me.

• 40:15Andrew Santino?

  Ooh, we always do this on the show.

• 40:17Speaker 03

  You know what I should say?

• 40:18Andrew Santino?

  I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

• 40:18Speaker 03

  Well, I got upgraded cuz I fly so much. I never, I shouldn't say, I would say rarely to never do I buy first class. Just because I'm not making enough to be justifying that.

• 40:28Andrew Santino?

  You get upgraded all the time?

• 40:29Speaker 03

  I wouldn't say all the time, but a good amount.

• 40:31Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 40:32Speaker 03

  So this was an upgrade, to be specific. So I was stoked. And they gave it to me the night before, sometimes that happens.

• 40:37Andrew Santino?

  Alaska airline?

• 40:38Speaker 03

  It was Delta.

• 40:39Andrew Santino?

  Oh.

• 40:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, so I'm in the line, seven people, an hour before, I'm standing there. I wait, I wait, I mean, all, I have my bag tagged and everything. I just need to drop it and then go to TSA Pre. That's a brag.

• 40:54Speaker 03

  All I need to do is have her scan it and drop it. Well, by the time I get up there, it's past the window where you're allowed to check my bag. So it was, at that point, I wanna, I wanna say six or 6:05 or something?

• 41:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, within an hour.

• 41:08Speaker 03

  So I get up there and she goes- We're gonna have to change your flight, or rebook your flight. I go, I didn't flip out, but I go, no. No, we're not gonna do that. I said, do whatever you need to do with this bag, but I'm gonna go make that flight.

• 41:21Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I'm gonna make it. And so will the bag.

• 41:22Speaker 03

  And she goes, well, I said, send that however you wanna send it, but I'm going to get home today. It's Father's Day and I haven't been home in like two weeks on the road.

• 41:28Andrew Santino?

  Same.

• 41:29Speaker 03

  And she goes, well, I'll call and ask. I go, please do that and please beg. And so she calls, I have someone here who's, I forget what it was like, missed the walk time, or missed the wa- I don't even know. Walking time. And then the woman's like, yeah, you can do that. She's like, okay. And then I go, I thought an hour before would be fine. She's like, you really need to be here two hours before.

• 41:49Andrew Santino?

  That's not, that, first of all, you're a liar and that's not a real thing.

• 41:52Speaker 03

  4:40? 4:40.

• 41:55Andrew Santino?

  Ma'am, you're a liar.

• 41:55Speaker 03

  You won't be here at 4:40.

• 41:57Andrew Santino?

  No, you're off. You're not even start- your shift didn't even start.

• 41:59Speaker 03

  That's crazy.

• 42:00Andrew Santino?

  No, see, that all.

• 42:01Speaker 03

  So then I get to TSA Pre and it's also a long line and of course I set the metal detector off, which I wanna say has never happened to me.

• 42:07Andrew Santino?

  What set it off?

• 42:08Speaker 03

  The underwire of my bra, never happened to me.

• 42:11Andrew Santino?

  That's real?

• 42:12Speaker 03

  I don't believe it's real, which is why I started to get very irritated, stuff like this happening for me.

• 42:17Andrew Santino?

  Cause they do the pat down thing, don't they?

• 42:18Speaker 03

  Stuff like that.

• 42:19Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 42:19Speaker 03

  No, I'm just like waiting. And I'm like, I'm gonna miss my flight. And the woman, the first one was like kind of understanding, and then the second woman was...

• 42:27Andrew Santino?

  Go for it.

• 42:28Speaker 03

  She started describing, it was like erotic TSA fanfic. She was like, what I'm gonna do is take the front of my hand and I'm gonna go over here. Cause I've already said like, I'm gonna miss my flight and I really, and that's my stuff. I'm starting to get like, that's my stuff. And it was, they're so backed up, my shit's all about, not kidding, crunch and fall down.

• 42:47Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm.

• 42:48Speaker 03

  And still won't let me grab it. So she goes and grabs it and like heavily, you know, chucks it on the thing.

• 42:56Speaker 03

  And then when I'm like, she can tell I, and I'm not really looking at her, I've started to dissociate like this. And she's like, starting to slowly describe what she's doing to me, to hold me up.

• 43:05Andrew Santino?

  Oh my god. And you're, and now I'm under your arms?

• 43:08Speaker 03

  Yeah. No, she's describing, she hasn't done anything yet.

• 43:10Andrew Santino?

  Oh my god.

• 43:11Speaker 03

  She's describing, and I, what I wanted to say was... I've never had someone describe in such detail and take this long, so thank you.

• 43:19Andrew Santino?

  Thank you.

• 43:20Speaker 03

  But I just stood there, and then I will say, and I'm not necessarily proud of this, when she touched my crotch, I leaned into it.

• 43:29Speaker 03

  I was like...

• 43:29Andrew Santino?

  You have to.

• 43:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah?

• 43:30Speaker 03

  And you know what else I thought about on the plane? Because I'm replaying every moment, like, was I a bad guy? Could I have been better? Was I rude? I don't like being rude, and I don't like being a problem.

• 43:39Andrew Santino?

  No, you're not a problem.

• 43:40Speaker 03

  But I am sitting on the plane, and I go, I, if I could go back, I mean, if I could do anything differently, when she was feeling down the back of me, rip the biggest fart in her face. I badly wish I had to fart.

• 43:59Andrew Santino?

  Right, she's going down your leg.

• 44:01Speaker 03

  Honestly, she's like, she's really straight up caressing everything.

• 44:04Andrew Santino?

  She's going for it.

• 44:05Speaker 03

  And the other thing I held from saying was, "As long as the skies are safe from underwire, have a good day."

• 44:13Speaker 03

  Like, what? And then I made my flight, thankfully.

• 44:16Andrew Santino?

  Yes.

• 44:16Speaker 03

  I had about five minutes to spare, actually.

• 44:18Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but...

• 44:19Speaker 03

  In my little first-class seat.

• 44:20Andrew Santino?

  In your little first-class seat?

• 44:22Speaker 03

  And I was like this.

• 44:23Speaker 05

  In here, we pour whiskey.

• 44:26Andrew Santino?

  Man, you got one of those moles on your back that you just don't want to go get checked out? You gotta, stop putting it off. "Well, I don't know, I don't have a doctor, I don't live near a doctor, I don't know where I am." Well, guess what? That's why there's Zocdoc. Zocdoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high-quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. You can find the right doctor, you see actual appointments right there. You choose a slot, boom, I want it. And typically, you're going to get one within 24 to 72 hours of booking. Sometimes you can score same-day appointments. I moved to a new neighborhood, and I've told you guys this. I did want to go back to my old doctor, for a few reasons. One, I didn't want to go all the way over there. Two, I didn't like him that much, if I'm being honest. He kind of creeped me out, the way he would stare at me sometimes in my gown. And I gotta say, Zocdoc saved the day. Because with Zocdoc, I found an in-network doctor,

• 45:11Andrew Santino?

  huge for me, in my neighborhood, close to me, easy, and also a ton of appointments available. You know, I'm not saying I got lucky, but it worked out great. But if you do get on Zocdoc and you're looking for something new, I'm telling you, they have so many on there. They have $100,000... Doctors plus across every specialty you could ever think of. You got a bunion, huh? You got a lump on your neck? You got a weird hair sticking out? Go get it checked out. Stop putting it off. It's time to stop putting it off with Zocdoc. Get what you need today. All right? Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to zocdoc.com/whiskey to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That is zocdoc, Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash whiskey. Zocdoc dot com slash whiskey.

• 45:52Speaker 00

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• 46:22Speaker 03

  Ginger. I like gingers.

• 46:26Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, the problem with flights is I have to plan this when we travel. Like, we're going to Europe again. And I always have to plan it so it is a plane where my sleep time is right.

• 46:34Speaker 03

  I get that.

• 46:35Andrew Santino?

  Because one time, I did the who gives a shit?

• 46:38Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 46:39Andrew Santino?

  When I was going to Europe and I fucked me up for three full fucking days.

• 46:43Speaker 03

  Wow. I was gonna say weeks, so think.

• 46:45Andrew Santino?

  No, three full days of like, I did not sleep and I could not sleep.

• 46:48Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 46:49Andrew Santino?

  And by the third day, I was like, I think I'm gonna die.

• 46:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:52Andrew Santino?

  Like, I feel like I'm gonna die. I felt really disoriented. I hadn't, like, it scared me. So now.

• 46:57Speaker 03

  I think with age, too, it's not getting easier.

• 46:59Andrew Santino?

  No, I'm doing old man stuff.

• 47:01Speaker 03

  Even when we travel for the master team, which is the old ladies team.

• 47:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 47:04Speaker 03

  They have like all kinds of like recommendations and pamphlets you go through, which is like hydrate, compression socks, get up and stretch. Like, these are all the things you need to do.

• 47:11Andrew Santino?

  The compression socks are actually important. I know it's so funny, but like, they actually work.

• 47:15Speaker 03

  I know.

• 47:15Andrew Santino?

  People are like, that's so stupid. Like, it's, honestly, it works. I know how dumb it looks, but who cares?

• 47:21Speaker 03

  They have cool ones now.

• 47:22Andrew Santino?

  They're not cool. You're wrong. They're absolutely not cool. How long is the season with the girls?

• 47:27Speaker 03

  Um, it's kind of tournament based and you have to try out every year.

• 47:32Andrew Santino?

  What, you don't get, there's not like an exemption thing? It's like you've been playing?

• 47:35Speaker 03

  That, it kind of helps, you know? What am I trying to say? It keeps you in their favor or something?

• 47:40Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 47:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:41Andrew Santino?

  Have you seen a girl get cut that you like that?

• 47:44Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 47:44Andrew Santino?

  Uh oh.

• 47:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:45Andrew Santino?

  Oh no.

• 47:46Speaker 03

  Could be me this time.

• 47:47Andrew Santino?

  It won't be.

• 47:48Speaker 03

  I've been ripping cigs and eating chocolate.

• 47:50Andrew Santino?

  Fucking ripping heaters on the sideline?

• 47:52Speaker 03

  The amazing thing about playing in Argentina, though, is actually, there are straight up cool Argentinean women on the sideline like

• 47:59Andrew Santino?

  Just smoking and fucking shit up?

• 48:01Speaker 03

  Yes!

• 48:02Andrew Santino?

  That's so rad.

• 48:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:03Andrew Santino?

  Wait, how many countries do you go to?

• 48:04Speaker 03

  Um, so it kinda depends on the tournament. I've only played in two. The Pan Am Continental Cup, which was in Buenos Aires. And whoever can make it, whoever can field a team and stuff, does show up. But that was more Central American.

• 48:17Andrew Santino?

  Dude, that's so cool.

• 48:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:19Andrew Santino?

  This is like, this is like, one of the coolest parts about you.

• 48:21Speaker 03

  Thanks.

• 48:22Andrew Santino?

  Truly. Because how, how like, how unique. Nobody really, especially comics.

• 48:26Speaker 03

  If you want me to brag.

• 48:27Andrew Santino?

  Please.

• 48:28Speaker 03

  I will say, I'm the only one on my team that only played in high school. And not in college.

• 48:33Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 48:34Speaker 03

  Yeah. We had an Olympian coach, um, named Steffi, for that first tournament. And she was like, along the lines of like, who should I thank? And I was like, my high school field hockey coach, Alyssa Ficker. She's like, she did such a good job teaching you the basics. Cause I, there are things that I lack, for sure. Like, there's just stuff I won't know. Like, well, how much the rules have changed, I had to adjust to that.

• 48:55Andrew Santino?

  They keep changing.

• 48:56Speaker 03

  Not a ton, but they have changed.

• 48:57Andrew Santino?

  Oh wow.

• 48:58Speaker 03

  Um, yeah, sometimes certain ref calls, I'm like, what? And they're yelling at me, like, you need to get back, or you need to do this, or it's right there.

• 49:05Andrew Santino?

  Like offsides or something like that?

• 49:06Speaker 03

  Not offsides, but like, where are free hits taken? Or like, just certain things that like, help you master the game. Like, that you could, I'm just trying to think of an example, and I'm sorry, I'm failing.

• 49:15Andrew Santino?

  Well, cause it's, it's very like chess-like? Position play, a lot of position playing?

• 49:19Speaker 03

  Honestly, it's more like soccer, if anything. In the sense that it's 11 aside, there's a goalie and, you know, end goal is the square.

• 49:24Andrew Santino?

  And you were a goalie?

• 49:25Speaker 03

  I, I'm a defender.

• 49:26Andrew Santino?

  Oh, you are?

• 49:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:27Andrew Santino?

  Very defensive, too. Yeah, you're very, that fits, that fits the mold.

• 49:31Speaker 03

  I'm a defender. I, I don't like getting anything past me. And I, and I do think it does apply to my personality and mentality. Which is like, I am sort of defensive, and I, I guard, like, nothing can get past me. But it takes a lot of shift in me to be like, go for it. Like, score.

• 49:47Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 49:47Speaker 03

  Like, you can go. Like, there is that- Part of me that is like, no, I could move it up.

• 49:52Andrew Santino?

  But you don't, but you're like, but I'm, but I do want to protect everybody.

• 49:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's kind of how I feel.

• 49:57Andrew Santino?

  That's very, yeah.

• 49:58Speaker 03

  So some things I am, like, for example, there's just stuff, like, I could do better. Like, sometimes, even this, like, my goalie, who was great, Emma, for this last tournament, was like, let me take those. I'm wearing a full padded suit.

• 50:09Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 50:10Speaker 03

  You know, but I'm like, I'll, I'll do it. Now, my job was to rush, which is fly, or fly, which is fly right out to try to block the shot.

• 50:17Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 50:18Speaker 03

  But really, it's, it's not a dummy, but it's like, maybe I get my stick on it, maybe I don't. And I'm like, in my head, a traveling wall. Whereas, all I should be is like a, like, just mess you up.

• 50:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, just to distract you.

• 50:29Speaker 03

  Pressure.

• 50:30Andrew Santino?

  Now, but you want to be Bessie the Wall.

• 50:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:32Andrew Santino?

  Bessie the Wall.

• 50:33Speaker 03

  And she's like, let me take some of those.

• 50:35Andrew Santino?

  Right, take a blow. Yeah, because I see some.

• 50:37Speaker 03

  And it's not a hero thing. It's like a, it's just like, I gotta do it. I gotta, yeah.

• 50:40Andrew Santino?

  Well, that's the, that's like this athletic urge.

• 50:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:43Andrew Santino?

  Like, I'll do it.

• 50:44Speaker 03

  I'll do it. I'll put my body on the line.

• 50:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I'll hurt myself. You've never been hurt bad, though.

• 50:49Speaker 03

  Um, this was like, maybe six stitches or something. Up here, I got a ball to the eye. My teeth have all been fine.

• 50:56Andrew Santino?

  The teeth thing is big.

• 50:57Speaker 03

  High school, I got hit here, so there's like, kind of like a little dent.

• 51:00Andrew Santino?

  You were a mouthguard, or no?

• 51:01Speaker 03

  Mouthguard.

• 51:01Andrew Santino?

  Does anybody not? Is there any?

• 51:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's, it's a rule. Some people, like, with that, they're.

• 51:06Andrew Santino?

  As I said, there's gotta be some countries around the world where they're like, fuck that, we're not doing that shit.

• 51:10Speaker 03

  Some people, though, even, uh, watching some of the young Olympian, Olymp, Olympic women, um, even wore some kneepads for the corners and stuff. The level they're playing at is actually pretty scary.

• 51:22Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 51:22Speaker 03

  Some of those balls flying. I, I was never a aerial person, like, flicking. I'm like, rudimentary, on the ground, get really low.

• 51:31Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 51:31Speaker 03

  That type. And we weren't, our aerial skills weren't like, uh, fostered.

• 51:35Andrew Santino?

  But, doesn't need to be.

• 51:37Speaker 03

  No, not for me as a defender.

• 51:39Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 51:39Speaker 03

  Technically, no.

• 51:40Andrew Santino?

  How fast are these going?

• 51:41Speaker 03

  I should learn how to throw an aerial from the back. That would actually really.

• 51:44Andrew Santino?

  Well, let's work on it today. What are we doing after this?

• 51:46Speaker 03

  I try, I tried to with my coach. It's so difficult for me.

• 51:49Andrew Santino?

  No, it's gotta be, well, look, even watching it, I'm always like, this looks fucking impossible. It's the weird, and it's the weirdest stick in the world.

• 51:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, a little candy cane.

• 51:56Andrew Santino?

  It looks like a shalali. Yeah, a little candy. How fast are these balls getting hit?

• 52:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't know the answer to that.

• 52:01Andrew Santino?

  I'm gonna guess.

• 52:02Speaker 03

  Pretty freaking fast.

• 52:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I would probably guess in like the sixty miles an hour range.

• 52:07Speaker 03

  Let's find out.

• 52:08Andrew Santino?

  What do you think?

• 52:09Speaker 03

  Field hockey, ball, like a drive.

• 52:12Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did you guys say?

• 52:13Andrew Santino?

  I said sixty, I think, fifty to sixty.

• 52:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm, I'm bad at this type of thing because I don't play baseball. I don't know. I'll go, I'll say, I'll say fifty.

• 52:23Speaker 04

  So, top international players can hit the balls at speeds exceeding seventy-seven miles per hour.

• 52:29Andrew Santino?

  Okay, so I was right. I was pretty close. Six, I said sixty.

• 52:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, you were right. I had no concept of that. I will say, uh, watching the men play in Cape Town, like our American team versus the Cape Town team, I mean, we did get pretty destroyed. Um, and it was actually uncomfortable.

• 52:47Andrew Santino?

  What do you mean, just like they were just?

• 52:48Speaker 03

  I feared for their lives.

• 52:49Andrew Santino?

  Oh, okay.

• 52:49Speaker 03

  It was...

• 52:51Andrew Santino?

  They were beating the shit out of them.

• 52:52Speaker 03

  Seventy-seven. Like, it's like, how are you getting near that? Like, I would just go, you know what? I think I'm good.

• 52:58Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, no defending today.

• 52:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:59Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I'm gonna sit down.

• 53:00Speaker 03

  So, they, I actually looked at our team, like, you guys are being very brave right now.

• 53:05Andrew Santino?

  That's kinda cool, though. They're like, hey, you have the balls to fucking stay out there, although stupid.

• 53:09Speaker 03

  I know.

• 53:09Andrew Santino?

  You just call it.

• 53:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:10Andrew Santino?

  There's no mercy rule, is there?

• 53:11Speaker 03

  And they are brutal.

• 53:13Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they don't give a fuck.

• 53:14Speaker 03

  No.

• 53:14Andrew Santino?

  No fighting, though.

• 53:16Speaker 03

  There is, there was, like, red cards, green cards given out.

• 53:19Andrew Santino?

  But I mean, no drop the gloves and start swinging.

• 53:21Speaker 03

  Nah, not really.

• 53:22Andrew Santino?

  Because like lacrosse gets crazy like that.

• 53:24Speaker 03

  No, really, no, I haven't really seen any fist fighting.

• 53:26Andrew Santino?

  I do wanna see it, though.

• 53:27Speaker 03

  There was a pretty psychotic stick attack. I mean, you're carrying a...

• 53:33Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, a weapon.

• 53:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:34Andrew Santino?

  Could you be charged?

• 53:34Speaker 03

  But that happened in Phoenix. You know what? I don't know the answer to that, but it did cause a lot of problems in that league. That was just a sep, totally separate from Masters. It was some tournament in Phoenix, and that guy was banned. And I can't remember if they said the police were called or not, but...

• 53:48Andrew Santino?

  Had to have been.

• 53:48Speaker 03

  That's nuts.

• 53:49Andrew Santino?

  Because that's a weapon.

• 53:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, it would be like, I mean, it's Tonya, Tonya Harding-esque. It's like if I picked up my skate and then, like, sliced you.

• 53:54Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 53:55Speaker 03

  I feel like that is a crime.

• 53:56Andrew Santino?

  There's a knife on your foot.

• 53:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, this is not a Tarantino movie. What is it?

• 54:00Speaker 04

  There was a brawl, notable brawl at the twenty twenty-four Paris Olympics.

• 54:03Speaker 03

  Really?

• 54:04Speaker 04

  From the Netherlands, Germany hockey team, uh, because they did a taunting gesture. Or the Dutch players did a shushing gesture to the German goalkeeper.

• 54:13Andrew Santino?

  That's all it took?

• 54:13Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 54:14Speaker 03

  And then there was a brawl. Is this the men's team or women's? Do we know?

• 54:18Speaker 04

  The picture shows the women's team.

• 54:20Speaker 03

  Oh, wow, wow.

• 54:21Andrew Santino?

  Sick if it was. I liked that a lot. The little one shush, I dared a shush in the next one.

• 54:27Speaker 03

  I will say, I'm, I'm a, cause I am a big girl in, on the team. I'm one of the taller ones.

• 54:32Andrew Santino?

  What?

• 54:34Speaker 03

  We have little gals, yeah.

• 54:35Andrew Santino?

  You have little tiny, tiny little-

• 54:36Speaker 03

  I'm a defender, I'm one of the-

• 54:38Andrew Santino?

  There's no women that are like actually big women on the team?

• 54:41Speaker 03

  I'm one of the biggest.

• 54:42Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 54:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, you should look at our lineup.

• 54:44Andrew Santino?

  You gotta get some size, some girls with some size, dude.

• 54:46Speaker 03

  We need the tiny ones up front running and flipping stuff in.

• 54:49Andrew Santino?

  Go to the fucking Midwest, you'll find some big girls, dude. We got some, we got some girls that'll- Oh, hell yeah, dude. You ever seen Midwest female hockey teams? Have you ever seen this? Have you ever seen Minnesota's female hockey team? They are fucking huge. Like, big, strong, dude. I, they were doing, there was a TikTok where they were like interviewing them. And they do that thing, this happened, this was like an old trend, but it was like, "Which, which girl on the team would you not let date your brother?" You know this, have you seen this fucking before? It's actually great.

• 55:16Speaker 03

  I haven't seen that.

• 55:16Andrew Santino?

  And they all usually named the same girl. They, I mean, it's, it's-

• 55:20Speaker 03

  That's funny.

• 55:20Andrew Santino?

  It's like one of two. There's like, "Kelly." Like, they don't even, they don't even think about it. Like, sometimes they're like, "Oh, what fucking Kelly? No, that bitch, no way." Let me see. Oh yeah, she fucked her up, huh?

• 55:30Speaker 04

  That's from the field hockey.

• 55:31Andrew Santino?

  Wow, so it was.

• 55:32Speaker 03

  Wow. Is she wearing a face mask at the time, or no?

• 55:35Andrew Santino?

  Well, she's got it off there, so obviously she took it off, right?

• 55:38Speaker 03

  Cause we don't wear face masks during regular play, it's just during a penalty corner.

• 55:41Andrew Santino?

  Ah.

• 55:42Speaker 04

  I don't know if she was.

• 55:43Andrew Santino?

  It doesn't look like she is, yeah, it looks like she's all bloody.

• 55:45Speaker 03

  Okay, so then she was playing the field.

• 55:46Andrew Santino?

  Damn, dude.

• 55:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:48Andrew Santino?

  Just getting fucking smoked. By the way, you guys do need to go get some Midwest girls. You'll get some, you'll get some hefty eaters.

• 55:53Speaker 03

  They're mostly Philly and East Coasters on our team.

• 55:55Andrew Santino?

  They're just mentally insane. They're not physically threatening, but they're mentally-

• 55:59Speaker 03

  I'm one of the few West Coasters on the team.

• 56:02Andrew Santino?

  That's kinda cool. Doesn't that feel good?

• 56:03Speaker 03

  Lisa Patrick is up in Seattle, when I was playing Seattle.

• 56:06Andrew Santino?

  LP, LP, I know, I know LP. No, how funny.

• 56:09Speaker 03

  She was, uh, when I played Wet Fest with like Bamford and Zanab.

• 56:13Andrew Santino?

  What is Wet Fest?

• 56:14Speaker 03

  It's a fun festival in Seattle.

• 56:16Andrew Santino?

  Wet Fest?

• 56:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 56:18Andrew Santino?

  I've never even heard of this.

• 56:19Speaker 03

  Me, Bamford, Zanab, um, she was like, "Come play a pickup game," so I played on Saturday while I was there.

• 56:25Andrew Santino?

  Whoa, in, up in Wet Fest with LP?

• 56:28Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 56:29Andrew Santino?

  Let me, Wet Fest, by the way?

• 56:31Speaker 03

  Get a, book him.

• 56:32Andrew Santino?

  How come I've never even heard of this?

• 56:33Speaker 03

  Well, don't you do theaters? I mean, well, I, I play the Crocodile there.

• 56:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but you know, who cares?

• 56:38Speaker 03

  The Crocodile seats maybe 300 or something.

• 56:41Speaker 04

  If you talk to his wife, you know she definitely hasn't heard of Wet Fest.

• 56:43Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 56:45Andrew Santino?

  What is that supposed to mean, bud?

• 56:46Speaker 03

  Your reaction.

• 56:48Andrew Santino?

  What is that supposed to mean? Because we're older and we have to use lube? Is that what you're, is that you're referring to? You're joshing on us, dude? Let me tell you something about women as they age, okay?

• 56:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, is my dick ending as hard? No, it's not bud. It's not, because I'm a little bit older and my T is low. Is that what you're trying to say? And by the way, when she's gone, we're gonna have a dog.

• 57:08Andrew Santino?

  He throws out a couple of zingers and gotta tell, I always tip my hat to the zingers. Always, always love a good zing. Always, but boy, you're gonna pay. You're gonna fucking pay. You know what I made him do? Speaking of pay, I made him pay for breakfast this morning. It felt good. It felt good because I always pay for everything, literally all the time, forever. Fact. And then I said, "Hey, I'm late. Order me something." And he did, and I thought, as I was saying that, I thought, "He's gonna have to pay." And what did you say when I sat down?

• 57:34Speaker 03

  "I'm out of monies."

• 57:35Speaker 04

  I couldn't believe how expensive the restaurant is that we'd often get breakfast at.

• 57:39Andrew Santino?

  Which means, oh my god, Andrew, I appreciate how often you buy me breakfast.

• 57:41Speaker 03

  Pretty grateful. Feeling grateful.

• 57:43Andrew Santino?

  But that's why I do stuff like this, to keep him in the world of like, just remind yourself, it's not, you know, there's no free lunch.

• 57:51Speaker 03

  It's not, it's not growing on trees.

• 57:52Andrew Santino?

  Somebody is paying for this, right? My dad, my dad would never hesitate to remind you. He'd be like, "Jesus, this is pretty pricey." And you're like, "Well, do I, should I feel bad about it? Cause you're making me feel bad about it." Like, everything was always like, every, that was, my parents lived in a way, and this is maybe just a Midwest thing, but they, they did fine. My, both my parents worked for a long time, though. They never had like a one-income household. Like, it was always just like, they both had to work until they couldn't work anymore. And they always had this mentality of like, "We are going broke." And like, but they weren't, they were fine, but they always had this like, "We are pretty close, we're skirting on..."

• 58:33Speaker 03

  We're on the brink.

• 58:34Andrew Santino?

  They really would. I felt, I was like, "What do you, why do you..." They talk like that, but I think it's just cause their generation, their parents were so poor, that it was just a normal thing passed down.

• 58:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, like the depression thing too.

• 58:46Andrew Santino?

  Oh, it's passed down so...

• 58:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, my grandpa was very like, four squares of toilet paper.

• 58:50Andrew Santino?

  Oh yeah. If you, by the way, the paper towel thing that you said?

• 58:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:53Andrew Santino?

  If my grandmother caught you using more than one of paper towel?

• 58:56Speaker 03

  You're putting that back.

• 58:57Andrew Santino?

  She'd be like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?"

• 58:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, put that back.

• 58:59Andrew Santino?

  Especially like, she would see people try to dry it with, dry their hands off, and she would loot, she'd be like, "Oh my god, there's a towel right there." But, you know what I mean? It was just like such a, and you'd go, "Well, you're right, that probably is a smarter thing." But we didn't think about that stuff, and then it was passed to my parents, and then... I'm not gonna lie, I have it sometimes where I'm like...

• 59:18Speaker 03

  I, it crosses my mind. I try to use my hand tell. I do.

• 59:21Andrew Santino?

  No, I'm just saying, it, all over though. It gets in my head sometimes, and I'm like...

• 59:25Speaker 03

  I will say, I'm not the comic that's a business person. Like, I don't think big. And... I don't, like...

• 59:35Andrew Santino?

  Best selling, her next special, "I Don't Think Big." Me don't think big. Me think right here, right now.

• 59:42Speaker 03

  Because my mom actually kinda kept it from us as best. She got, only recently, or in the last few years, did I know. She said like, "Sometimes I had 14 bucks to get us to Friday."

• 59:49Andrew Santino?

  Whoa.

• 59:50Speaker 03

  And, you know, we did a lot of Taco Bell when it was still food. And...

• 59:54Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, it wasn't appropriate, it was a very appropriate dinner for a long time.

• 59:57Speaker 03

  It was okay.

• 59:58Andrew Santino?

  Everybody did it. No one made fun of me, "Oh, what is it, Taco Bell?"

• 1:00:01Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:00:02Andrew Santino?

  Back then, you were like, "Yeah, we're getting Taco Bell for dinner." People were like, "Oh, that's nice, nice."

• 1:00:04Speaker 03

  It used to be a corn tortilla, now it looks like E.T. when he's sick.

• 1:00:12Andrew Santino?

  It does.

• 1:00:13Speaker 03

  It's bad.

• 1:00:14Andrew Santino?

  It really does.

• 1:00:15Speaker 03

  But, there were plenty of times where we'd go to Kroger to get groceries at the register, and she was like... Like, like, huh, a lot of like, huh, at the register.

• 1:00:24Andrew Santino?

  Did you ever have the moment, because I've seen this. I've been blessed to not have it happen to me, where someone has to put something back?

• 1:00:31Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, put that back.

• 1:00:33Andrew Santino?

  But I'm saying, like, see someone check out?

• 1:00:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:35Andrew Santino?

  And they go, "I only have, you've gotta start taking things off." I've seen it live.

• 1:00:41Speaker 03

  I feel like I might...

• 1:00:42Andrew Santino?

  And it makes me wanna go...

• 1:00:44Speaker 03

  "I'll get that."

• 1:00:44Andrew Santino?

  And I get it, but then you think...

• 1:00:46Speaker 03

  I don't wanna embarrass them.

• 1:00:46Andrew Santino?

  If I offer, they'll be like, "Fuck you."

• 1:00:48Speaker 03

  I know, sometimes maybe.

• 1:00:51Andrew Santino?

  I, so I did it at Von's, it happened to me one night. And I, this is when I didn't even have any money. And I was like, "Should I just buy that guy that thing?" And then I thought to do it, and then the person at the register was like... "Don't do it," type of, the look was like a...

• 1:01:06Speaker 03

  Maybe they knew the person?

• 1:01:07Andrew Santino?

  Maybe, but it just was, it checked me down in a way where I thought, "This can go two very, very different ways." It can be like, "That's very sweet of you." Or it could be like, "Who the fuck do you think you are, trying to buy shit in front of my ki-" You know what I mean, like? And then I'm the dickhead, and I'm this like, "Oh, this is trying to be..." It's like a fucking, it feels like a Larry David, you know, it's like a very curb. Like, blow up your spot.

• 1:01:27Speaker 03

  I was in Dayton, Ohio, my hometown, at Dorothy Lane Market.

• 1:01:30Andrew Santino?

  Everybody, shout out to Dorothy Lane Market, by the way.

• 1:01:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:01:34Speaker 03

  There's basically a coffee bar right when you walk in, kind of bad, what would you call it, logistics, or what am I trying to say, layout? Because it's like right when you walk in, and there's a line, but the whole grocery's off to the back.

• 1:01:45Andrew Santino?

  We're calling this a Trader Joe's from now on. Any sort of bad layout. It's a Trader Joe's.

• 1:01:48Speaker 03

  Trader Joe's layout. I'm in line for the coffee bar. There's one older woman in front of me. You know when like someone's so old, their head's like in the center of their chest? You know?

• 1:01:59Andrew Santino?

  Like those Halloween costumes where they can drop down their heads?

• 1:02:02Speaker 03

  Yeah. So, but, but hers is like that, but also she is like an arch. Like, she's actually kind of traveling around half, like, half-bent.

• 1:02:09Andrew Santino?

  Right, she's, she's trying to, she, they want her dead.

• 1:02:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:02:12Andrew Santino?

  Life is like, get down there, dude.

• 1:02:13Speaker 03

  She's looking down.

• 1:02:14Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:02:15Speaker 03

  She's trying to pay. We're waiting a while. I'm not impatient, but it's taking a long time.

• 1:02:20Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 1:02:21Speaker 03

  It was not born of impatience. She's like got a dollar, then another dollar, and then like, she's count, I think the situation was this, she's counting out like forty-four cents or something, but the total was something different, so I was gonna help, and I went up to her and I put my hand on her.

• 1:02:37Andrew Santino?

  Hump.

• 1:02:38Speaker 03

  Back.

• 1:02:38Andrew Santino?

  On her slouch.

• 1:02:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:02:39Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:39Speaker 03

  And I said, started to go, "Hey, can I get this for you?"

• 1:02:44Speaker 03

  Andrew?

• 1:02:46Speaker 03

  She screamed so loud. Everybody in the entire store went like this. She goes, she goes, "Get your hands off of me!" Not even, she can't even see me, she's looking down. I've actually, I don't think I've ever been more embarrassed in my life. And, oh.

• 1:03:06Andrew Santino?

  Dude, I would have loved to be in line for that.

• 1:03:08Speaker 03

  And a guy I went to high school with, or we went to high school with, um, my oldest sister's grade, was right behind me, I'm trying to remember who it was. Maybe Donnie Zomarski? And he go, he, he was trying to make me feel better, because I was red.

• 1:03:20Andrew Santino?

  Mortified.

• 1:03:20Speaker 03

  He goes, "That's why you don't help people." Like, he was trying to make me laugh. I was mortified. And it actually hurt my feeling. I was like scared. It was like a traumatic event. My whole body was trembling.

• 1:03:32Andrew Santino?

  How old are you?

• 1:03:33Speaker 03

  This is like two years ago.

• 1:03:34Andrew Santino?

  Wait, what?

• 1:03:35Speaker 03

  I'm not kidding.

• 1:03:36Andrew Santino?

  Oh my god.

• 1:03:37Speaker 03

  This is not long ago. Three years ago, maybe.

• 1:03:39Andrew Santino?

  Get your fucking hands off of me.

• 1:03:42Speaker 03

  Screams it.

• 1:03:43Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:43Speaker 03

  And then when I told my mom about it, because honestly, I then got mad at her in my head. I was like, what a bitch.

• 1:03:48Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, what a bitch. That was a rude thing to do.

• 1:03:50Speaker 03

  When I describe her to my mom, she goes, oh yeah, I've actually seen her stop traffic. Like, like she's walking across a busy street and she's like, I've seen people try to help her. Cause she's like stopping traffic and she's yelled at them too.

• 1:04:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you can't, you can't help them.

• 1:04:05Speaker 03

  So my mom kinda confirmed that it wasn't me.

• 1:04:08Andrew Santino?

  Some people aren't meant to be helped.

• 1:04:10Speaker 03

  She did not want help.

• 1:04:11Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, some people are like, I do see this a lot.

• 1:04:14Speaker 03

  It was, I mean, my heart was like.

• 1:04:16Andrew Santino?

  Don't help.

• 1:04:17Speaker 03

  To the skies, the scream.

• 1:04:19Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, don't help.

• 1:04:19Speaker 03

  And it's those high ceilings. It went everywhere.

• 1:04:21Andrew Santino?

  Did you learn?

• 1:04:22Speaker 03

  I.

• 1:04:23Andrew Santino?

  Now you're never gonna help someone ever again.

• 1:04:24Speaker 03

  Never helping.

• 1:04:25Andrew Santino?

  I think if it backfires like that, that's the universe going.

• 1:04:28Speaker 03

  What a backfire.

• 1:04:29Andrew Santino?

  You don't need to.

• 1:04:29Speaker 03

  Don't do that.

• 1:04:30Andrew Santino?

  You don't need to do that ever again.

• 1:04:31Speaker 03

  Just make a donation, a private donation somewhere.

• 1:04:34Andrew Santino?

  Right, right, right. A tax deductible donation to somewhere that's more. You know, this is a new scam, by the way, and I do wanna talk about this publicly real fast to knock this out. I do see this often. You're at CVS, you're at Wal- why does that thing keep doing that?

• 1:04:46Speaker 03

  Something's happened where, did I do it?

• 1:04:48Andrew Santino?

  No, you must. It's, it's a piece of shit. Hold on, he can do it. Let the kid come do it.

• 1:04:52Speaker 03

  I don't know how this happened.

• 1:04:53Speaker 04

  No, it's that little.

• 1:04:54Andrew Santino?

  It's that little knob. It might've got loose.

• 1:04:56Speaker 03

  I don't think I touched it.

• 1:04:57Andrew Santino?

  We're gonna fix the.

• 1:04:58Speaker 03

  This is fine. I could hold it.

• 1:04:59Andrew Santino?

  Nah, just let him fix it.

• 1:05:00Speaker 03

  Wait, maybe like that?

• 1:05:01Andrew Santino?

  Hold on, watch him do it.

• 1:05:02Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 1:05:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:03Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 1:05:04Andrew Santino?

  Men, men, manly, manly, men.

• 1:05:08Speaker 03

  Okay, what's the new scam?

• 1:05:09Andrew Santino?

  CVS, Walgreens, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Duane Reade, all these places, all these little pharmacy stores. You round up, you know? Oh, would you like to round up to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah?

• 1:05:19Speaker 03

  I'm a no on that.

• 1:05:20Andrew Santino?

  Me fucking too.

• 1:05:21Speaker 03

  I'm a no.

• 1:05:22Andrew Santino?

  And you know why I'm a no? Cause I used to be a yes. I used to go, yeah, what is it, 16 cents? Fuck it, give it away. I learned, and the kid can Google this. I learned that that roundup, that it then becomes a donation from them to those charities and it's their tax deductible.

• 1:05:38Speaker 03

  Tax deductible.

• 1:05:39Andrew Santino?

  So, these cocksuckers are taking credit for our donations.

• 1:05:42Speaker 03

  I know.

• 1:05:43Andrew Santino?

  And it fucked me. It really like, cause I always did it. Cause I thought, what's the harm? It's 26 cents. It's going to a good place. And I've always thought that about charitable things. When somebody goes, that doesn't go to the place. I always go, fu- well, I did the right thing.

• 1:05:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:56Andrew Santino?

  Who, I can't control if there's evil fuckheads.

• 1:05:59Speaker 03

  Mm-mm.

• 1:05:59Andrew Santino?

  But now that I learned this piece where they're doing it, I was like, oh, this is insane.

• 1:06:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:06:04Andrew Santino?

  So you're just, by the way, they do this at everywhere. I'm not, I was at, um.

• 1:06:07Speaker 03

  I'm not doing it.

• 1:06:08Andrew Santino?

  I was at, I was at a department store. It was at like a Macy's and they had it on there.

• 1:06:12Speaker 03

  It's a scam.

• 1:06:12Andrew Santino?

  I thought, you motherfuckers, you guys are getting a tax write-off on my behalf. And by the way, and the, and the 10,000 other people that shopped there that month. You look that up, sweet cheeks?

• 1:06:23Speaker 04

  It says they can't.

• 1:06:24Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, right.

• 1:06:25Speaker 04

  But I don't believe them.

• 1:06:26Andrew Santino?

  I don't believe, who said it? What article?

• 1:06:28Speaker 03

  AI.

• 1:06:29Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, no shit.

• 1:06:29Speaker 04

  It was AI overview.

• 1:06:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, see? AI, fucking bullshit.

• 1:06:32Speaker 03

  You know what's my favorite AI overview is on a Facebook clip of mine, which is where an older generation lives.

• 1:06:39Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:39Speaker 03

  And it'll be like the AI summary of my clip and it'll be like, some people found it funny. Other people thought it was mean to old people. You know what I mean?

• 1:06:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, the AI overview, by the way, is fucking bullshit.

• 1:06:50Speaker 03

  But most people think you should take a joke.

• 1:06:51Speaker 04

  The AI overview of Bad Friends said it was a podcast with Bobby Lee and Theo Von.

• 1:06:54Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. That's how I know it's bullshit. Whenever somebody's like, AI overview, I'm like, look, it's filled with holes. It's just, it's, cause it's incorrectly collecting data from things that it's not.

• 1:07:02Speaker 03

  I understand that I've signed my life and rights away whenever I open my phone, but.

• 1:07:06Andrew Santino?

  But.

• 1:07:07Speaker 03

  To my knowledge, I've never used AI or ChatGPT.

• 1:07:10Andrew Santino?

  We just talked about this today.

• 1:07:11Speaker 03

  I feel like it's wrong and you shouldn't give it anything.

• 1:07:14Andrew Santino?

  I'm not giving, me too. I'm the same way, see? Do you see?

• 1:07:17Speaker 04

  No, I also agree with you.

• 1:07:18Andrew Santino?

  But we are connected souls because Beth and I know, I, I just was like, this is not, I don't like this.

• 1:07:22Speaker 04

  I'm very anti AI.

• 1:07:24Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:25Speaker 03

  Me too.

• 1:07:25Andrew Santino?

  Cause you know what I said? The analogy I used before and I'm gonna do it again because I was impressed by it even myself.

• 1:07:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:07:30Andrew Santino?

  But I said like, I, I. I know it exists, I know it's a real thing and I can't change it.

• 1:07:35Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:07:36Andrew Santino?

  But I don't want to involve. I'm doing my little part, even if you're like, "That part's bullshit." And I said, "It's like when somebody goes, 'Recycling is bullshit, it's not gonna fucking do anything.'" It's like, "Alright, well, I'm still gonna fucking do it."

• 1:07:45Speaker 03

  Why not try?

• 1:07:46Andrew Santino?

  So that's how I feel about this, I'm like, "I know it's, I know it already is listening to me."

• 1:07:51Speaker 03

  I know.

• 1:07:52Andrew Santino?

  But I'm still like, "I don't want to give it more fucking bullshit." I mean-

• 1:07:55Speaker 03

  People use it for actually way too much. They're like, "Oh yeah, I mean, I had it planned in our vacation." I'm like, "What?"

• 1:08:02Andrew Santino?

  Your whole life.

• 1:08:02Speaker 04

  That used to be a person you paid.

• 1:08:04Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:08:04Speaker 04

  No one's gonna have jobs anymore.

• 1:08:05Speaker 03

  I know.

• 1:08:06Andrew Santino?

  It's killing multiple industries, including like my, my, uh... I don't want to get into it.

• 1:08:10Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:08:10Andrew Santino?

  I was gonna just get into a whole thing. But they probably don't want me to talk about it.

• 1:08:14Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:08:14Andrew Santino?

  But it's killing, it's killing businesses. It's doing things to people really, it's fucking people up.

• 1:08:19Speaker 04

  Well, it's stealing.

• 1:08:19Andrew Santino?

  It's stealing.

• 1:08:20Speaker 03

  I know.

• 1:08:20Speaker 04

  Information from people that used to get paid to tell people this information.

• 1:08:23Andrew Santino?

  Well, I tell you who hates it the most, and this is the community that we have to back.

• 1:08:26Speaker 03

  And this will be the clip they use in the iRobot 3 when they catch us three.

• 1:08:29Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. "I heard you didn't like us." Yeah. "Way to go, field hockey bitch." "You too can't get a girl wet, ginger boy." I'm like, "Wait a minute, they really did listen."

• 1:08:39Speaker 03

  Hey!

• 1:08:40Andrew Santino?

  For the first time. "You listened." "You really listened." No, but it is, we will fill the ramifications, but it'll be so far down the line, it'll be a bummer and you'll go, "Yeah, yeah, we knew it." But you're like, "I know, it's not gonna make it any fuck about it." But artists, I was gonna say, the most response I get from friends of mine that are either graphic designers, or artists, or... You know, any kind of visual art, physical visual art, they, they go off. Like, you'll talk to one of those guys or girls and they'll be like,

• 1:09:07Speaker 03

  I know.

• 1:09:08Andrew Santino?

  "Buddy, I wanted to burn to the ground, because it's killing their fucking, it's killing their side gigs, even if it's not their full-time job." It's killing small things.

• 1:09:16Speaker 03

  I know.

• 1:09:16Andrew Santino?

  It's just murdering small, like, stuff like that. That piece that that guy made me, that's all made out of paper, individual slits of paper.

• 1:09:22Speaker 03

  I love that.

• 1:09:23Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. But that is being stolen by fu- computer.

• 1:09:27Speaker 03

  I know. And isn't it, like, this makes me feel so stupid, but it's true, the cooling plants?

• 1:09:32Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's really bad for the environment.

• 1:09:34Speaker 03

  It's like wasting so much water and they're saying it costs like, or something about like thirty trees per surge.

• 1:09:38Andrew Santino?

  What, to cool off a server, serving room, right?

• 1:09:40Speaker 03

  And not to mention like, uh- They actually, on the news, they did cover that couple that had the plant built near them. They lived out in the kind of middle of nowhere.

• 1:09:48Andrew Santino?

  They have like ten eyes now, yeah.

• 1:09:50Speaker 03

  Well, basically, they showed them at night, and it's like, remember that scene from Christmas Vacation where Clark plugs in the trees? They're like, "Goo!" Like, that's what they're living in, at night. They have, they're like, "We were the only ones out here," and now it's like that all the time.

• 1:10:04Andrew Santino?

  That's so fucked up.

• 1:10:05Speaker 04

  Like, we, on Bad Friends, sometimes like, things will happen, like, someone will make a joke, like, "Oh, Bobby is like the Michelin Man or something," and then like, and it'll be like, "Oh, like, somebody like, make that and send it to us," and it used to be cool art.

• 1:10:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:10:16Speaker 04

  And now, like, a day after, and they're all the same exact image. It's a bunch of different people feeding it to the same prompt, and I always write back, and I'm like,

• 1:10:24Speaker 03

  No AI.

• 1:10:25Speaker 04

  "You should write," I'm like, I'm like, even though it's not as good as it's gonna be in your head, the little things that are wrong is the beautiful human touch that makes art art.

• 1:10:32Andrew Santino?

  Make it bad, make it bad, because it's good, because it's bad. Yeah, it's gone. It's, whatever. I know, that does, that does fuck me up. We get sent a lot of stuff, and I appreciate fanship, but I'm always like, sometimes it gets done the same day, or the same hour, it exists, and I was like, "Oh, they didn't make it."

• 1:10:46Speaker 04

  And they look the exact same. All, different people, all, because it's just the same prompts. It's like, remember Jib Jab and like, the Bush administration?

• 1:10:53Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:10:53Speaker 04

  It feels like, if you called that art, like, if you put your mom's head on that, and you're like, "I'm an artist, I made that," that's what all this AI shit feels like.

• 1:11:00Andrew Santino?

  You better not put my mom's head on one of those Jib Jabs.

• 1:11:01Speaker 03

  Leave my mom's head alone.

• 1:11:02Andrew Santino?

  And let me tell you something, someone will do it now, because we've just said that. Someone will be Jib Jabbing our moms, without a doubt. Someone is gonna be Jib Jabbing my mom. And by the way, my dad can Jib Jab my mom. You can't.

• 1:11:12Speaker 03

  You can't. And if you're gonna Jib Jab our moms, do it, make them Jib Jab together.

• 1:11:15Andrew Santino?

  Be nice. Make sure she Jib Jabs before you do. You gotta make her Jib Jab first. I spent time with my parents too, and, man, it is funny how honest, as my parents have gotten older, how honest they are. Good God. My mom was like, "I wanna leave." And I was like, "Oh, okay, I thought we were fucking hanging out," and she goes, "Yeah, I don't wanna do that, I wanna go home." And I was like, "Okay, yeah, love ya. I like it." Because it's none of the fodder. All the fat is gone. She's not being mean, she's like, "I, I, I, I gotta, I wanna go."

• 1:11:45Speaker 03

  I do like the honesty as well.

• 1:11:47Andrew Santino?

  Because we used, we do this, where you're like, "Yeah, I guess I'll stick around." "I guess I'll stick around for another fucking forty minutes and..." I've started to do it now where I get the car and then when the car arrives, I go, "Oh my god, I gotta go."

• 1:11:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:11:57Andrew Santino?

  Isn't that kinda nice?

• 1:11:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:11:58Andrew Santino?

  You go, "Dude, my fucking car. I didn't even realize my car is here." My Uber's right off. I gotta go. And then people go, "Oh shit," and then I can leave.

• 1:12:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:12:05Andrew Santino?

  Smart man, right?

• 1:12:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:12:06Andrew Santino?

  Yeah?

• 1:12:06Speaker 03

  It is... It's the immediacy. Whoa, he's here.

• 1:12:10Andrew Santino?

  Oh, fuck, I have to go.

• 1:12:11Speaker 03

  I can't face a late charge.

• 1:12:12Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I can't. If they late charge me, I'll be...

• 1:12:15Speaker 03

  I might be able to afford groceries.

• 1:12:16Andrew Santino?

  I won't be able to afford groceries and get yelled at by an old woman.

• 1:12:20Andrew Santino?

  Uh, my sweet Beth, uh, my sweet, sweet Beth.

• 1:12:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:12:24Andrew Santino?

  Um, please, everyone, right, uh, right now, go watch, uh, Beth's special. It's on Veeps.

• 1:12:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, the landlord special.

• 1:12:31Andrew Santino?

  The landlord special. It's on Veeps.

• 1:12:32Speaker 03

  Until August 2nd. Yeah, from July 2nd to August 2nd, and then it'll be elsewhere, but...

• 1:12:36Andrew Santino?

  July 2nd till August 2nd.

• 1:12:37Speaker 03

  It'll be on Veeps. It actually stays there forever, but it'll go elsewhere after that.

• 1:12:42Andrew Santino?

  Oh, rea- would he put it on your YouTube or something?

• 1:12:44Speaker 03

  I think I will. I don't really have a YouTube thing. Some guy uploads clips here and there, and then, um...

• 1:12:48Andrew Santino?

  When you say it's not on there, then, what does that mean? Does it, did, it's on there forever? You just mean it's featured or something?

• 1:12:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think it'll always be available there, but you would have to pay for it.

• 1:12:57Andrew Santino?

  Okay, well...

• 1:12:57Speaker 03

  And it's a half hour. I think it's $5.99 or something.

• 1:12:59Andrew Santino?

  It's $5.99. You've got that money. I know you do. And the reason I know that you do have $5.99 is because you bought a coffee this morning. You did, didn't you? And it was a little too much. Wasn't it a little more expensive than it should have been?

• 1:13:12Andrew Santino?

  Make a cup at home. I sound like a boomer. If you make coffee at home...

• 1:13:16Speaker 03

  You could save up to $26 a month.

• 1:13:18Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. And you could.

• 1:13:20Speaker 03

  And you could put that towards my special.

• 1:13:21Andrew Santino?

  And, yeah, put that to her special, instead of a...

• 1:13:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, give me a little money, hopefully.

• 1:13:25Andrew Santino?

  Instead of fucking Starbucks. And I'm big on this. If you're supporting a local coffee shop, great, then yes.

• 1:13:30Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:13:30Andrew Santino?

  Do it. Buy both. But if you're going to fucking Starbucks.

• 1:13:34Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:13:34Andrew Santino?

  If you're going, if you're going to Pete's Coffee and Tea, is it Pete's Coffee?

• 1:13:41Speaker 03

  With an E-E-T.

• 1:13:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, if you're going to fucking, what?

• 1:13:44Speaker 04

  To Intelligentsia?

• 1:13:45Andrew Santino?

  If you're going to Alfred or Intelligentsia or any of these, uh, "My dad paid for this."

• 1:13:52Speaker 03

  Mm-mm.

• 1:13:52Andrew Santino?

  So I can have nine coffee shops all over the metro Los Angeles area, and we're billionaires already. Eh, fuck you, and buy her special instead.

• 1:14:00Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 1:14:01Andrew Santino?

  And even if you are going to a mom and pop coffee shop, um, go there and buy her special at the coffee shop, then you can watch it and sit there and enjoy, and people can go, "Look at that person having joy." Look at that person sipping coffee going... With headphones in. I find myself doing this on the plane sometimes. I'll find, if I find a clip that makes me laugh, I know people can see me going...

• 1:14:21Andrew Santino?

  In my, you know what I mean, like, like, looking like a fucking idiot. I don't mind it, I, I, cause it's, sometimes I gotta let it rip. Uh, but go watch it, the link is gonna be in the description down below. My sweet Beth, I love you. bethstelling.com is also where you can find almost everything that you'd ever need.

• 1:14:35Speaker 03

  Yep, socks.

• 1:14:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, socks, oh, great socks, show the socks. Women's stand-up comedy socks, which I have and I'm gonna give to Mccone, although I'm very annoyed that I have to give them to Mccone. Beth will get me another pair. But if I do not give it to the kid, he will talk about it. He'll go, uh, "Did Beth say she was gonna get you more of those socks?" He will, he fucking will. And I'll go, "Yeah dude, I'll get them for you," and he's like, "Okay, yeah, no, it's no, no, no big deal." And then we'll be out somewhere with, with, like, with everyone at dinner. And he'll go, uh, "Oh, did Beth get those socks, did Beth get them?" He will, he'll fucking piss me off about it, so I'm gonna give it to him, so I don't have to hear it, and then I'll get it from you.

• 1:15:12Speaker 03

  You may hopefully see you out on the town, Rolson.

• 1:15:13Andrew Santino?

  Yes, you will, go to bethstelling.com, uh, Beth, look in that camera, one word or one phrase to end the episode.

• 1:15:19Speaker 03

  Sour dough bread.

• 1:15:21Speaker 05

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

• 1:15:27Speaker 06

  You're that creature in the ginger beard! Sturdy and ginger.

• 1:15:30Speaker 07

  Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are puget. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey, and seventy-five dollars for the horse. Ginger, oh, hell no.

• 1:15:39Speaker 06

  This whiskey is excellent. Ginger, I like gingers.