Pod Insights On Purpose with Jay Shetty 5 Types of People We Are Attracted To & Why They're The Wrong Ones About this episode Ever feel like you've been in the same relationship over and over? It’s important for us to learn the lessons from them and move forward. We all need to feel significant, but we need to be clear on what type we want with our partner and create it in a healthy way and not just wherever we find it.
I want you to be able to save yourself money, time and energy. This episode will help you become more aware and focused on what you’re truly looking for and not what “feels right” in the moment.
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
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2:55 Jay Shetty? advice, that you can find in multiple other places in your life, you've got to find out whether you really want it to be in your relationship.
3:09 Jay Shetty? Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. My name's Jay Shetty and I can't wait for you to hear this episode. Now, whether you're in a relationship, or whether you're single, or whether your situation's complicated or confused, I think this one's going to be really, really important because at the end of the day, all of my episodes are dedicated to give you more self-awareness, to give you more understanding of what you're truly looking for, and able to seek clarity in your life, whether that's a relationship that you're already in, a relationship that you might want to be in, or a relationship that you just got out of as well. I really want you to be able to get closer to a deeper understanding of yourself.
3:52 Jay Shetty? So this applies to you no matter what. Now, of course, we're going to talk about the five types of people we get attracted to and why they're wrong for us. And I know, right? Be honest, have you ever fallen for someone that you then found out was wrong for you?
4:12 Jay Shetty? How many times have you done this? Right? It's crazy. We've all been there. We've all been in this position where we get attracted to someone. We feel the chemistry. We feel the connection. We feel that this is going to be the one, right? And then, for some reason or the other, it turns out to be wrong for us. Now, I want to help you just have a bit of reflection, a bit of introspection about how you can see that from a mile off, about how you can save yourself that time, that money, that energy. Because just think about it. Imagine you had all that time back. Just think about it. Now, I know it isn't wasted time. We're always learning. We're always growing. It isn't wasted at all.
4:57 Jay Shetty? But at the same time, if we've done it again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, then I'm guessing you feel the same way as I do, that all of that time, that money, that energy could have been used more wisely, either working on ourself, either with our friends, either with our family, or connecting with the right person, or connecting with someone at least that's heading in that direction. Right? So, it can be quite a recurring pattern. Now, what I want to talk about in this podcast is why do we get attracted to the wrong people so often? Right? Is the world full of them, or do we seem to like them? Right? Which one is it? Because I hear a lot of people say things like,
5:40 Jay Shetty? "Oh my God, everyone in the dating space is so weird," or "everyone's this way," or "everyone's like that." Now, that just can't be true, because not everyone in the world is like that. And at the same time, do we just get attracted to them? Is there something wrong with us? And I see a lot of people doubting themselves as well. Now, I've made a list of what I believe are the five most common types of people we go for, and why they're wrong for us, and how to notice that, or at least how to be aware of what may be the potential conflict, of what may be the potential things that disconnect you from this person. If you could be aware for them beforehand, how incredible could that be? And at the same times, are we learning the lesson
6:22 Jay Shetty? that we're constantly trying to be taught by relationships? If we've been in the same relationship multiple times, there's something very deep for us to take away from that. There's something very meaningful for us for us to take away from that. So... I really, really want to get to the heart of this today and really tackle this deeply for every single one of you. Thank you so much for coming back to On Purpose. It's great to have you here and I can't wait for you to hear this podcast. So in this episode, we're not just going to go through the five types of people that we wrongly attract or get attracted to. I also want to share with you my advice on how you can start attracting the right people and being attracted to the right people.
7:02 Jay Shetty? And so first of all, when we start talking about why do we get attracted to people that may not be great for us, a big part of that, and we've talked about this before, but I think it's so important to recognize this, we're chasing what we think looks attractive in the movies, in music, in media, right? When you see the person in real life who's wearing the same clothes as your favorite artist, when you see someone driving the same car, when you see someone in the same places that you know people hang around in, all of these things get attractive, right? Things become elevated when you've seen them on TV and all of a sudden you're seeing them in real life. I'll give you the same example of when I first moved to New York, literally I felt like I was walking in a movie because
7:47 Jay Shetty? for me, growing up in London, England, we were brought up on American television. We watched American shows growing up, right? We watched Friends or Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And so then when I moved to LA as well, again, I felt like I was in the movie. So you now see things as elevated in real life because you saw them as elevated on television. Now, you may not even spot yourself doing this, or you may say, Jay, that doesn't happen. I'm able to tell the difference. I'm pretty self-aware. But the truth is subliminally, subconsciously, it's all still in there. And this is why the first type that I want to focus on, the first type that we get attracted to, right, that generally isn't
8:27 Jay Shetty? right for us, is what we call the bad boy or the bad girl, right? It can be both the bad boy or the bad girl. And now, bad in this context doesn't necessarily mean, you know, the bad boy image that we all have in our heads where it's like leather jacket, Motorbike or anything like that, or the bad girl, etc. It could just be someone who's overly portraying confidence bordering on arrogance, right? And some of you may say, well, Jay, I get turned off by that straight away. But there is something to be said for how attractive confidence is in whoever you're attracted to, whether it's a boy or a girl, a guy or a lady.
9:11 Jay Shetty? So you'll see that and this comes from this excitement, right? When we're exposed to someone who appears confident, we get excited. When we look at someone who appears like they've got it all together, or they don't care, or they're a rebel, this is attractive, even if it's not true of them, because it's something we don't see a lot, right? Often, we're used to being surrounded by people who are not as confident, or people who are a bit more vulnerable, who are a bit more open. But then when you see this boldness in someone, it becomes attractive. Now, one of the interesting things about this is, what's happening is that we feel this excitement in our mind. We feel this sudden rush, which feels like chemistry.
9:56 Jay Shetty? We feel this sudden attraction. And in that attraction, we start creating a world of what this could look like. But the thing about that feeling is that it wears off as quickly as it comes on. So it's a great signal for a fun time, but it's not necessarily a signal for a real relationship, straight off the bat. Now, usually it's physical and biological too, right? It's that physical feeling of unpredictability, adventure. And all of a sudden, your mind is now imagining what this could look like. But it's in these times where you have to remind yourself what you're truly looking for, right? I mean, this is just an example that I'm thinking of right now. It's like seeing a chocolate fudge cake when you're on a diet, right?
10:40 Jay Shetty? You convince yourself that it's good for you right now. You convince yourself that it doesn't matter. You convince yourself that it's okay for just one night, right? And you convince yourself, oh, he or she is, they're a good guy or a good girl, especially with me, and they just don't know it yet. And you think that attraction is everything, so you convince yourself about the rest of them. So it's kind of like this confidence halo, this rebellious halo, where you see them and you try and convince yourself.
11:10 Jay Shetty? Right, you try and convince yourself that they're right for you. And when you've just said to yourself, actually, I'm looking for someone who's honest and who's conscious, and I'm looking for someone who has deep values, and I'm looking for someone who respects me, and you have all this in your mind, right? But you let go of that as soon as you see someone who attracts you above and beyond that. And I think we, whatever that means, whatever that looks like physically for you is different for everyone, but we've all had that experience where our genuine list of desires, genuine list of what we're really looking for, completely disappears because we're, you know, completely flawed by someone's charisma.
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14:28 Jay Shetty? And so in that situation, again, what you want to come back to is you want to remind yourself of what you're truly looking for and see whether that exists. And not in a way that you're convincing yourself. So often we talk ourselves out of what we convinced ourselves was right. How many times have you been in that position where you literally talk yourself out of something you convinced yourself you were right about? And like I said, the diet example is brilliant. You've decided you want to go on a diet, you decided you want to be healthy, you see something that looks like something you've had in the past and you know it tastes good, you know it feels right, like a chocolate fudge cake for me, for example, and you give in, only to regret it the next morning, right? Only to feel like, I didn't really need that. And so often we do the same in our relationships.
15:10 Jay Shetty? So I would ask you in that scenario to just become more aware of being conscious and focused on what you're truly looking for and not getting sidetracked by what you've experienced in the past that you enjoyed. And you can save yourself so much more time and energy. And that doesn't mean you can't date this person. That doesn't mean you can't be attracted to them and it becomes the right person. It just means you slow things down, right? It means you give yourself the time to make a genuine, authentic decision for yourself, rather than a quick, rushed, brash decision.
15:46 Jay Shetty? When you meet or see that person. And you may say that sounds like common sense, but I literally speak to so many friends, friends, week in, week out, who tell me, Jay, I feel stupid. I shouldn't have, but it felt right. You know, all that kind of stuff. And I hear it regularly. So I had to raise this point. So this one's really, really important. Think about this for a second. How many times have you dated someone or been with someone who acted like the child? Right? Type number two that we get attracted to is the child. Right? Whether it's a guy or a girl, the point is this person is acting childish, not childlike, not in a playful, fun way.
16:30 Jay Shetty? I'm talking about childish, right? This person is always seeking attention. They're looking for someone to take care of them. They're looking to be emotionally supported. They're looking for stability. They're looking for a place to come to. Now, this plays to your nurturing side. And in the short term, it makes you feel strong and powerful and in control. Right? In the short term, this makes you feel strong, powerful and in control. You think, wow, this person thinks I'm amazing. This person thinks that I've got it all together. And they come to me for financial advice. They come to me for emotional advice.
17:15 Jay Shetty? You know, I'm supporting them. Like, look how amazing I am. I feel incredible. That's how you feel in the short term. And in the long term, you feel drained and tired. You feel totally fatigued. Why? Because you've now become that person's parent. You've now become their go-to because they're behaving like your child. They may be overly dependent. They are literally making you their go to for absolutely everything. And in the short term, you like it because they listen, right? Or at least they try to listen. It's like a mini project that evolves into this huge project. And in the short term, you feel like you can change them.
17:59 Jay Shetty? You feel like you can actually make them better. And you think, wow, how amazing is this? That I'm able to improve someone's life. And in the long run, you realize that you're not equals in this space. They're not helping you grow. And actually, you're investing far more into them than you are. Now, you may be in that position. You may say, Jay, I actually love this. This works for me just great. It's my natural personality type. That's awesome. As long as you're happy, that's awesome. I have nothing against that. But I'm trying to warn you against ending up with someone where you become the nurturer and the nourisher, when that's not really what you're looking for. When you're looking for something a little more complimentary. And so beware of the child. And like I said, in the short term, it feels great. And a lot of the reason why we get attracted to a relationship like this
18:42 Jay Shetty? is because we weren't able to have that power, that control, that feeling of being a nurturer, maybe with our parents, with other family members, in other relationships. So this is playing to that feeling of giving us some sort of authority, giving us some sort of position. And we get attracted to that position versus attracted to that person. Listen to that again. Listen to that carefully. Are you attracted to that position that that person is giving you? Or are you attracted to that person and what they're bringing to the relationship? These are two different things. If you're loving the position of being someone who's guiding,
19:23 Jay Shetty? who's leading, who's giving advice, that you can find in multiple other places in your life. You've got to find out whether you really want it to be in your relationship. And one of the biggest challenges is Often, we feel that we can change that person. This comes with that feeling that we can impact the person, we can change them. So that is type number two. What I would do in that scenario is ask yourself that question. Am I attracted? Do I want to be with this person? Or do I want to be with this person because of the position they're giving me in their life? And I'm attracted more to that position? And that's an insecurity, a need, a significance that I need to fulfill in my life. See, everyone needs to feel significant, and there's nothing wrong with that. We all need to feel significance.
20:08 Jay Shetty? What we have to decide is what type of significance do we want with our partner? What type of significance do we want at work? And we have to try and create that significance in a healthy way, rather than find it in the wrong places, right? Just because we can't control in some area of our life, we're looking for control in our relationship. And that gets messy, that gets really, really tough in the long term. Now, the third type of person that can be wrong for us sometimes is what I call the reflection. This is a reflection of yourself. Someone that is so similar to you. When you say, "Oh, I'm a powerhouse, I want to be with a powerhouse," right?
20:50 Jay Shetty? "I'm a strong, independent person, I want to be around another strong, independent person, and I'm going to attract someone who's like me." Now, this can be healthy in some ways, and it can also be unhealthy. But we've got to be aware, again, it's the question. Am I attracting a reflection of me? Is this person so like me? And that's what attracted me to them? But actually, that's what's going to be difficult, because their ego is similar to me, they clash with me, right? They, we fight about the same things. We have issues about the same things in our lives that both of us are struggling to solve. Right now, now, I'm not saying, one thing I have to clarify is, I'm not saying any of these relationships can't work. I'm just saying that these are the things we need to ask ourselves. These are things we need to be aware of.
21:35 Jay Shetty? Because when you first get involved with the reflection, it's very attractive and it's complimentary to your ego, because your ego feels great that you've found someone. But then later on, you start recognizing that that person has a lot of the same challenges, insecurities, and issues as you do. And therefore, it becomes really, really difficult, right? Therefore, it becomes almost harder to get it right. Now, the fourth type we get attracted to is what I call the parent. So we said we get attracted to the child, but the other type we get attracted to is the parent. Right? You've got low self-esteem, you're feeling insecure, you're feeling a lack of self-worth, and you're seeing someone who feels very, very confident.
22:19 Jay Shetty? You're seeing someone who has financial or emotional confidence, or whatever it may be, or you see someone who attracts you because they feel familiar. Right? They may even have similar pros and cons to your parents. They may even remind you of your parents, but because there's that familiarity in that, because they make you feel that sense of comfort, but not a good sense of comfort. This is a false sense of comfort because you're reflecting your parents in them. You now behave like the child, right? You're now a child to them. You now run to them for everything. You now are trying for them to become the parent that you never had, right?
23:02 Jay Shetty? You're either trying to find them as a familiar to your parents, or you're trying to get them to become the parent that you never had. So if your parents weren't able to do something for you, you're hoping they're going to do it for you. If your parents didn't fill a gap in your life or provide for you emotionally, so you're now looking for it in this person. Now, this person may not be the wrong person at all, but when we're not choosing to heal this ourselves, we're putting this big burden, it's super overwhelming to give it to someone else. And someone may last for a bit of time, they may put in a bit of effort, but after a while, it can become draining for them, just like it was draining for you when you attracted a child or were attracted to a child. So sometimes we're attracted to people that are either like our parents
23:46 Jay Shetty? and remind us of our parents, or that we want in replacement to our parents. And we've got to realize again that so much of this is coming back to us growing our self-worth. So much of this is going back to us developing ourselves, healing ourselves, loving ourselves like the way we wish we were loved. And I did a podcast a few months back, which was called "The Reasons Why We Need to Learn to Parent Ourselves" or "Develop the Emotional Skills Our Parents Didn't Have." I highly recommend going back and listening to that one for this point in particular. And the fifth and final type, which isn't the wrong one, it actually is what you're looking for in many cases after doing that work is the partner.
24:27 Jay Shetty? So we talked about the bad boy and the bad girl, the child, the reflection, the parent, and now the partner. Someone that you want to grow with, someone that you're complementary to, right? So you're both enhancing each other at the same time. I've said this so many times and I really, really mean it, that there is no one who can complete you. You're already complete. You don't have a better half. You are full and will fully enhance someone else. And you want to attract someone who is full. Now, that doesn't mean anyone is a hundred percent, but what it does mean is that when you're a partner, you're complementary. You enhance each other. You grow together, right? They may have what you don't and add what they don't, right? You add what they don't, right?
25:09 Jay Shetty? They have what you don't and you have what they don't and you add to each other's life. And there will be baggage, there will be arguments, there will be things that of course they reflect your parents. Of course, there's a bit of reflection in there. Of course, they're all mixed in all of that, but overall you feel like a partner. You feel like you're co-creating. You feel like you're building something together. Right? You feel like you're developing something together. When that person's a child, you see yourself using parental language. You see yourself telling them to get organized. You see yourself telling them to figure their lives out and sort it out. You see yourself being their parent. When you're the child, you create childlike conversations, sorry childish conversations.
25:52 Jay Shetty? So you ask for things, you demand attention, you seek that approval and validation in their life. But when you're a partner, you ask for each other's opinions, but you ask for each other's feedback. You share and propose ideas, but then get their input to make it even better. Notice how it's so different when you become a partner. And you only become a partner when you first parent yourself. You only become a partner when you first heal your inner child. You can only become a partner when you build your own self-worth and self-esteem first.
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28:01 Jay Shetty? Sometimes the partner, when we first meet them, is the least attractive one because we're not sure, we're not convinced. We may not be convinced by their charisma, their confidence, because we're not seeing them as fulfilling a gap in our lives, because we have to now think differently. We now have to realize that they're adding, enhancing, growing our lives, right? Rather than filling a gap that we're, filling a void that we're trying to somehow get solved. So, these are the five types of people that we usually, you know, get attracted to. The first four, really. And then the fifth one is, you know, someone that we don't always get attracted to straight away. But... We have to start becoming aware when we feel a sense of attraction,
28:46 Jay Shetty? when we feel a sense of liking, because we say yes to go on a date with a person we just told our friends was not our type. We say yes to someone at the bar, even though we're interested in the person behind them, right? Some people even marry people knowing they're not necessarily 100% sure. And then worse, we make excuses, provide logical explanations and rationale, but no one buys it and neither do we, right? Or at least not forever, because when someone's wrong for you, you know it inside. I don't even need to tell you this in one sense, but we all need a reminder. You know when you meet someone, whether they're right for you or not. And so many of us settle because we don't want to be alone. So many of us settle because we think all our friends are in relationships. And that's a bad idea, because nothing ever good comes out of settling, right?
29:30 Jay Shetty? Nothing good ever comes out of settling. And I think it's really, really important that just as we're attracted to the wrong people, because we're trying to fill gaps and voids that we have, we also attract the wrong people because of those same things. So what I want to share with you now are a few principles that I'd love for you to be conscious of to make sure that you can attract the right person and also be attracted to the right person. So the first one is to be aware of these personality traits. You know, is that person attractive to you because they're like a parent? Is that person attracted to you because they're like a child? Or is that person attractive to you because of what they're bringing to the relationship, right?
30:12 Jay Shetty? Really, really important to be aware of that and be conscious of that, straight up the get going. Like I said, you can be with that person, even if they are a parent or a child. That's great, because that may be what you're looking for. But it's so important that you are aware of what you're getting yourself into. The second thing I would say is look for people who are like partners, where you feel you're going to be partners in, not crime partners for lifetimes, right? Like, you want to find someone that is complimentary to you, that is adding to you, that makes you feel like you can conquer the world, and at the same time feels that you helped them conquer the world, right? Whatever that conquer the world means, it may just mean getting up in the morning, right? It doesn't have to be doing big things or being Ambitious together.
30:54 Jay Shetty? I think it's really important that you look for that partner, look for someone to compliment you. And you go into it believing that you can be partners of equal growth in different ways. The third principle that's really important is looking for mutual growth and respect. I think this is something that's really missing in the other types. So this is something you won't find in the bad boy, bad girl type, in the child type, in the parent type, or the reflection type. You're looking for someone who wants to see you grow and respects what you're into. See, when you're going out with someone who's the bad boy or the bad girl, they basically lack that respect. That's what you find attractive about them, that you're always trying to earn their respect, right? Which isn't a positive place to be.
31:36 Jay Shetty? When someone's a child, they don't give you mutual respect because it's you serving them, trying to solve their problems all the time. When it's a reflection, there's also an ego clash. So sometimes, I know a lot of people in my friend space are scared of dating someone who's so like them or in the same space, because then it becomes a competition. And when you're dating someone where they're the parent, then again, you're now demanding that respect and they're trying to help you grow. So in that partnership, you really find that someone's language is very mutual. Someone's language is very much about collective growth. So they're more likely to say things like, how do we both want to tackle this? Or how do you see us both growing from this? Or where should we both go from here, right? It's always about a collective journey, rather than like,
32:22 Jay Shetty? you know what, I think this is the right answer, and this is the way it's going to be, and this is how it's going to go. So that's something really to look out for. Now, number four, that's super important to me is, look for whether that person is giving you the freedom to be you, or they're always trying to change and adapt you. And a parent will do that. When you're attracted to a parent, or even if you're attracted to a reflection, they're always trying to make you better, but for them. Right, they're not trying to make you better for you, they're trying to make you better for them. And you want the freedom to be yourself. Now, I posted this on Instagram. I think it was about, well, about 10 days ago, and it really connected with a lot of people. And I was sharing it about my wife, and I want to share it with all of you here as well.
33:06 Jay Shetty? So, I'm just finding the post because I really, really want to share it with you. So, I talked about my wife, and I was saying how, uh, my wife is so fun to travel with. She's always singing, she's always dancing, she's always laughing. And she has this childlike, not childish, energy. Because it's not dependent on me, she's just that way. And it's what made me fall in love with her in the first place. But, but it's a whole nother level now, like, she's just so free in being herself. And it's probably the most attractive thing about her to me. And I believe it's so important that we encourage and protect what we love about our partners, and continue to let them emanate those values without trying them to change them to be like us. So often, we fall in love with someone because they're different,
33:50 Jay Shetty? and then try to make them the same. If you fell in love with someone because of their drive, don't force them to be less ambitious. If you fell in love with someone because they don't take life too seriously, don't force them to be over-organized. Not only does that person become less of who they are, you get less of who you love, right? If you see something you love in someone, let them express it, right? And I, and I think this is something we miss so much, right? It's something that we totally miss so much, and, and that comes from that, uh, that comes from that mentality of being the reflection, or being the parent, where you're constantly trying to parent the other person.
34:33 Jay Shetty? But it's like, be aware of what you were attracted to, and if you were truly attracted to that, right? Or did you get attracted because you thought you could change it? Or you thought it would go away after a while? And, and, and you know, you may say, well, Jay, there's a lot to think about. Well, my point is, it's, it's better to do some thinking upfront. Of course, experiment in the relationship. Take things slower while you learn these things. See, this is the point I'm ultimately making is, this is just giving yourself more time and space to get it right. You can still date that person, you can still go out with that person, you can still learn about that person, but still be reflecting on all of these things. So those first four points that I've just shared are all about, are you attracted to the right person? But it's also important to ask yourself, are you attracting the right person?
35:15 Jay Shetty? You know, point number five that I wanted to share is what messages are you putting out on your online profiles? Like whether that's social media or whether it's dating profiles, like what energy are you putting out? Right? What are you asking for through the perception of what you're putting out? Are you really putting out the version of yourself that you want someone to be attracted to? Or are you putting out the version of yourself that you think someone will be attracted to? They're two different things. And if you attract someone through a persona that you know you can be or play for a short amount of time, well, yes, you may attract someone for a while, but then you're either gonna have to fake being that person forever, or, or they're gonna, you know, they're gonna find out if you don't, and then it gets more complicated.
35:57 Jay Shetty? So really be aware of what energy you're putting out there through your content, through your posts, and, and through your words, right? Like if you're really passionate about something and you're talking about it all the time, then you're gonna find someone who loves that, you're passionate about that. But if you're always posting things that are a different side of you, or a side of you that isn't really you, then that's what you're going to attract into your life. And, and the other one is how you talk about relationships. If you're consistently talking about how you attract the wrong people, guess what? You will notice the wrong people more because you're now putting that at the front of your mind. If you're constantly talking about good qualities in people that you notice, or positive things that you notice in others, you're now starting, starting to notice those people.
36:42 Jay Shetty? Uh, it's also where you connect with people, right? If you're looking for people at the bar, or the club, or a party, or whatever it may be, that may not align with what you're truly looking for. And that's what it ultimately comes down to. Have you made a conscious effort? To become really clear about who and what you're looking for. Are you really, really clear? And by that mean, I don't mean like a list of a hundred qualities. But I mean, like, are you aware of what you think is going to complement you? And what type of energy you need in your life? And who's going to add and enhance? And more importantly, with that, as importantly, do you have a list of how you're going to enhance someone else's life? Because if you're clear about that, you will realize how much value you add and how much you have to bring.
37:26 Jay Shetty? And when you're aware of that, you become unstoppable and you attract an incredible person into your life because you know how much you'll bring into that relationship. And I want you to do that. I don't want you to just have a list of 10 things you're really looking for in a relationship. I want you to have the list of the 10 things you bring to a relationship. Right? It's going to be a game changer when you start living that way. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. Make sure you share what you're learning from these on Instagram, on Twitter, on Facebook. Thank you so much for listening. Please, please, please leave a review. It would mean the world to me if you're able to leave a review. Make sure you subscribe and share this with a friend. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you next week. Take care, have an amazing weekend.
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