Classic Colonizer

Conan chats with Arjun from Kerala in southern India about looking for a partner, Kerala’s history as a spice hub, and what it would take to accept Conan as his wingman. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:03Conan O'Brien?

  One in four Americans targeted by scams ended up falling for them.

• 0:06Speaker 01

  I did.

• 0:07Conan O'Brien?

  For me, it would be four out of four. Did you fall for a scam?

• 0:09Speaker 01

  I fell for a scam once.

• 0:10Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my God.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  They didn't steal much.

• 0:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, still, you got taken for a ride.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  I did.

• 0:15Conan O'Brien?

  And you just put it out there that you're easy to scam.

• 0:17Speaker 01

  I am.

• 0:18Conan O'Brien?

  One accident, a little click, can expose your information, putting you at risk of identity theft. Thankfully, there's LifeLock. LifeLock has live, US-based restoration specialists who will be with you every step of the way to fix your identity theft from first alert to full restoration. Join now and save up to 30% off your first year. This is a good thing to have in your back pocket, don't you think?

• 0:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, I need this.

• 0:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you do need it. You need it fast. Go to lifelock.com/conan. That's lifelock.com/conan to save 30%. Terms apply.

• 0:51Conan O'Brien?

  Now, Sona, clearly, I'm a very important person to you.

• 0:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:54Conan O'Brien?

  Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 0:57Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?

• 1:02Speaker 01

  A vase.

• 1:04Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.

• 1:06Speaker 01

  A jacket.

• 1:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.

• 1:09Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that jacket, nice jacket.

• 1:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, so now you have to do it, because you said you would.

• 1:12Speaker 01

  Aw, man, I didn't know you were doing that.

• 1:14Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear, and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me.

• 1:26Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:26Conan O'Brien?

  Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades, and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more, all in one place, so you can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide.

• 1:52Speaker 01

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com/callconan. Okay, let's get started.

• 2:01Conan O'Brien?

  Hi, Arjun, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.

• 2:04Speaker 02

  Hi, Matt, Sona, Conan, hi.

• 2:07Conan O'Brien?

  How are you, Arjun? It's nice to meet you.

• 2:10Speaker 02

  It is so nice to meet all of you.

• 2:13Speaker 03

  It is ridiculous.

• 2:17Conan O'Brien?

  Arjun, we are ridiculous people and we thank you for taking the time to speak to us. Arjun, I have some questions for you. Where are you in the world at this moment? Where in this vast spinning blue globe we call Earth are you?

• 2:31Speaker 03

  I am in the southern part of India.

• 2:34Conan O'Brien?

  Southern part of India. What is that called?

• 2:38Speaker 03

  South India.

• 2:41Speaker 02

  I love this guy. I love this guy.

• 2:45Conan O'Brien?

  I guess I asked a really stupid question.

• 2:49Speaker 03

  Do you know what I'm calling?

• 2:50Conan O'Brien?

  I thought maybe there was a name of a town, but maybe it's in that part of southern India where nothing is named. That I've heard so much about.

• 2:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, we've.

• 3:00Conan O'Brien?

  Is the region have a certain name that I could find on a map?

• 3:04Speaker 03

  You can. I'm calling from Bangalore, but I am from this place called Kerala, which is at the even more south of Bangalore.

• 3:12Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, Kerala, and is that a rural area or is it a big city?

• 3:16Speaker 03

  It's a state, so it has both, all of it.

• 3:20Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. You know what? I never want to interrogate you again. You are.

• 3:26Speaker 02

  You should consider being a spy because I don't think people are going to get information out of you.

• 3:29Conan O'Brien?

  Every time I ask you a question, I know less about you. I live in a place. It's a place that's next to another place. Well, tell me a little bit about yourself, Arjun. What do you, what do you want us to know about you?

• 3:42Speaker 03

  I, um, what do I want you to know about me? I am, uh, single. I don't know why that's the first thing.

• 3:50Conan O'Brien?

  You're single. You realize this is not a hookup website we're on right now.

• 3:54Speaker 03

  But I was told something different.

• 3:58Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, well, listen, I'm an Aries, uh, and I like to play the guitar and eat only starches.

• 4:05Speaker 03

  I do like Irishman, red hair, uh, but Bill Burr.

• 4:10Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 4:11Conan O'Brien?

  The what?

• 4:11Speaker 01

  Bill Burr.

• 4:12Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, Bill Burr. You're looking for a Bill Burr. I know Bill Burr and I could connect you guys. So I could do that. I could maybe connect you to Bill Burr.

• 4:19Speaker 03

  Hmm, he's, uh, he has a life. I'm not a home decor.

• 4:22Conan O'Brien?

  So what? I've got, I've got a wife. Anyway.

• 4:26Speaker 01

  He didn't say anything about you, though. He was talking about Bill Burr. You, you've offered yourself and he said you wanted Bill Burr.

• 4:32Conan O'Brien?

  Those bonds are tenuous. So Arjun, uh, yeah, tell me about yourself. Are you like, you, you're, are you gay?

• 4:41Speaker 03

  How dare. Yes, I am.

• 4:44Conan O'Brien?

  Are you look, are you seeking a relationship right now?

• 4:48Speaker 03

  Always, because I keep falling for straight dudes, which is inconvenient for both of us.

• 4:56Speaker 03

  Hey, I just watched your episode with Timothy Oliphant and I, yeah, I get it.

• 5:00Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah. Oh, trust me.

• 5:02Speaker 02

  What's not to get?

• 5:02Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, he's, he's the whole package.

• 5:08Conan O'Brien?

  I apologize. I don't know how that translates to southern India. But, uh, so is that true? You always fall for straight guys?

• 5:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, most of the time. They're so irresistible, you know?

• 5:21Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 5:22Speaker 03

  Because, you know, they don't like you and that's so hard.

• 5:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:26Conan O'Brien?

  Do you think it's possible that, uh, that on a subliminal psychological level, you might be doing that because you're scared of a commitment? Is it possible that you're doing that?

• 5:40Speaker 03

  How are you talking to my therapist?

• 5:43Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I mean, it just occurred to me that might be, is that something that some, a therapist has told you?

• 5:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, she thinks it's because I'm homophobic, which doesn't make sense to me.

• 5:55Conan O'Brien?

  I love this.

• 5:55Speaker 02

  This is sounding like the gay version of you.

• 5:57Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. Uh, or just me.

• 6:00Speaker 03

  Self-hating.

• 6:01Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, so you're, you're gay, but you are homophobic and, um, this causes you problems?

• 6:09Speaker 03

  I mean, yeah, a lot of problems, a lot of problems, yes.

• 6:12Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, well, I want you, I want you to be happy. You seem like a really nice person. And so maybe I'm, uh, I want to help you in some way if I can.

• 6:20Speaker 03

  I'd appreciate that a lot.

• 6:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. How do you think I could assist you in your life? What, what are the things I could do for you, Arjun?

• 6:27Speaker 03

  I mean, you can come to India. You can come to Bangalore, you can come to Kerala. I'll be in either of the places, wherever you'll be. And we can go out.

• 6:37Conan O'Brien?

  And, and, and how would I be, would I be in this area you're talking about, Kerala? That's in the south and, and, um, sounds a little rural. Would I be accepted there? Would the, how would people feel about me?

• 6:51Speaker 03

  Oh, we are very accepting. In fact, um, you know, back in the 1400s, I'm going to go way back. When, when, uh,

• 7:01Speaker 02

  I have no idea where this is going.

• 7:03Conan O'Brien?

  Let's hear it. I'm, I'm all up for this. Back in the 1400s, I'm getting a bedtime story right now.

• 7:10Speaker 03

  Back in the fourteen hundreds, Kerala was known as the land of spices, or what Kerala is today, back then was known as the land of spices. The Malabar coast was exporting a lot of spices like black pepper and cardamom and cinnamon and all of that. And it was very valuable in Europe and in the Arab world and everywhere, even more valuable than gold. So Europeans wanted, but the the trade was controlled by Arabs and Ottomans, if I'm not wrong. But the Europeans wanted their own connection to Kerala. So this guy called Christopher Columbus set sail and landed in the Bahamas and thought that was Kerala.

• 7:51Conan O'Brien?

  Columbus mistakenly thought he had he had arrived in India and.

• 7:55Speaker 03

  India, so that's why he started calling. Yeah, so we, after that, the Portuguese came, the Dutch came, the French came and the British came, we loved all of them. We couldn't get them to leave for like two hundred years. So we are very accepting.

• 8:12Conan O'Brien?

  Well, guess what, Arjun, I have news for you. You will have a hard time getting me to leave. That's I've heard that before.

• 8:20Speaker 02

  I think you need to arrive in like an Irish flagged boat. Like you've been at sea for months and months.

• 8:25Conan O'Brien?

  I want a Viking boat that I arrive in.

• 8:27Speaker 01

  They're gonna accept you because you remind them of the colonizers.

• 8:29Conan O'Brien?

  No, there you go. Yeah, I'm there to colonize.

• 8:31Speaker 03

  Never, never an Irishman, never an Irishman, never.

• 8:35Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I don't think the Irish colonized much of anything. You couldn't you couldn't get us out of our house. We are we were innocent of all colonizing because we just wanted to hang out in the house. And non a tater.

• 8:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, we've been colonizing Ireland, actually, like most of my cousins are in Ireland randomly.

• 8:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 8:55Speaker 03

  So, yeah, but they're used to it. Irish are used to being colonized. So that's fine.

• 9:00Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, we're, you know, we're easy guys. If you know anything about us, we're very easygoing, he said, lying through his teeth. Arjun, what do you do for a living? What is your profession? How do you make a living? What's your the story?

• 9:13Speaker 03

  I am.

• 9:13Conan O'Brien?

  Take us back to the fourteen hundreds.

• 9:16Speaker 03

  Back in the 1400s, right after Vasco da Gama landed in, in the, yeah. So I am a writer, but I, I think I'm a marketer.

• 9:26Conan O'Brien?

  You're a marketer.

• 9:26Speaker 03

  I'm in marketing.

• 9:27Conan O'Brien?

  Mm hmm.

• 9:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:28Conan O'Brien?

  But what kind of stuff do you write? What do you write?

• 9:31Speaker 03

  Not the things that I should be writing, but I write for capitalism mainly because I'm in marketing, but I do wanna write like a screenplay or like a book.

• 9:42Conan O'Brien?

  Oh.

• 9:43Speaker 03

  Shout out to Sona.

• 9:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:45Speaker 03

  So, yeah, one day.

• 9:46Conan O'Brien?

  That's right. She's the author in the room.

• 9:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:48Conan O'Brien?

  Which is really cool.

• 9:49Speaker 03

  She's the author in the room and.

• 9:52Conan O'Brien?

  And Sona has another book coming out.

• 9:54Speaker 01

  I just finished it.

• 9:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 9:56Speaker 03

  That's fantastic.

• 9:56Conan O'Brien?

  She just finished reading it.

• 9:57Speaker 01

  Oh, okay. Yeah. Uh, The World's Worst Mom.

• 10:02Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, World's Worst Mom.

• 10:03Speaker 02

  Wonderful.

• 10:04Conan O'Brien?

  Wow. You were either excited or very frightened at the prospect.

• 10:09Speaker 03

  I am.

• 10:10Conan O'Brien?

  That came across as fear.

• 10:11Speaker 03

  Excited because I couldn't read the first one yet. I couldn't get it anywhere here. You should talk to your publisher.

• 10:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:18Conan O'Brien?

  There's a whole market in southern India, not being specific as to where, but there's a whole.

• 10:24Speaker 02

  Well, that's why it's not there because they couldn't figure out where to send it.

• 10:26Speaker 01

  I know. If you go, I'll send it with you.

• 10:30Conan O'Brien?

  So Arjun, uh, let's say I were to come and visit you. What kinds of things would we do? We'd go out, that I insist upon, that would be fun. And you think I'd mix well? People would, people would be happy to see me, maybe?

• 10:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, they couldn't look away from me, even if they tried, but it would be fun.

• 10:48Speaker 01

  You're like the sun.

• 10:49Conan O'Brien?

  It's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. They couldn't look away from you even if they tried.

• 10:54Speaker 02

  You're, when the ark opens in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

• 10:58Conan O'Brien?

  People's faces will, will melt off.

• 11:04Speaker 03

  She's beautiful. Yeah, we could go to Toit. You remember Toit? You may not remember Toit. There's a picture of you outside the restroom in Toit.

• 11:14Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I've heard about this.

• 11:15Speaker 02

  This was on another Conan show.

• 11:17Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I was thrilled to hear, I was speaking to another fan who said, there's a picture of me outside the restroom and I've never been more excited.

• 11:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, so that was supposed to be my story when I was gonna talk to you.

• 11:28Conan O'Brien?

  Uh huh.

• 11:29Speaker 03

  He stole my story.

• 11:30Conan O'Brien?

  Oh.

• 11:31Speaker 03

  He doesn't know me. I don't know him, but I know his name, Nikhil. And he stole my story. So the only way for me to get back at him is for us to go to toy together.

• 11:40Conan O'Brien?

  And.

• 11:40Speaker 03

  He can be invited.

• 11:42Conan O'Brien?

  Hmm. Isn't it better if he's not invited?

• 11:45Speaker 03

  No, he has to be invited, but he has to be seated like six feet away from us.

• 11:49Conan O'Brien?

  I think you guys should put up a poster of the two of you right next to the other one, you know?

• 11:54Speaker 03

  He'll die.

• 11:54Conan O'Brien?

  When the other fan hears that I came all the way to India.

• 11:59Speaker 02

  Right.

• 11:59Conan O'Brien?

  And that he told me about the picture outside the bathroom in Bangalore. But I went with Arjun instead of him. And literally we passed his apartment.

• 12:09Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 12:10Conan O'Brien?

  That would, that would crush him.

• 12:12Speaker 02

  That's brutal.

• 12:13Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 12:13Speaker 01

  Why, why?

• 12:14Speaker 03

  That would be.

• 12:15Speaker 01

  Why do we want to crush this? You have such an aggression towards this person you've never met before. It just feels so.

• 12:20Conan O'Brien?

  Cause he took his idea.

• 12:21Speaker 03

  He stole my story, Sona.

• 12:23Conan O'Brien?

  That was his story.

• 12:24Speaker 01

  You're right. You're right. It's warranted. You're right. Sorry.

• 12:26Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm just happy to have aggression towards anyone. So I jumped on board right away.

• 12:30Speaker 02

  Classic colonizer.

• 12:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 12:33Speaker 03

  That.

• 12:34Conan O'Brien?

  Eduardo's very good. Eduardo's right. I'm a classic colonizer. You're mad at someone? Me too.

• 12:40Speaker 02

  Just stoking wars.

• 12:48Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 12:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love awards.

• 12:51Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen. You know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 13:05Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 13:06Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 13:14Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 13:19Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5N, which I love.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 13:23Conan O'Brien?

  Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe hybrids fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 13:38Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 13:39Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class leading interior space. With available, I had this memorized, H-Track all wheel drive, up to an EPA estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality innovation technology and value drivers expect from an award winning brand. View U.S. News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 14:14Conan O'Brien?

  When it comes to insurance, Farmers doesn't like surprises. That's why there's Farmers coverage on a page. What is it you ask? Did you ask? I don't think you did, but let's pretend you did. It's your coverage on a page, pretty straightforward.

• 14:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:29Conan O'Brien?

  That's good, because sometimes it gets confusing, you know? What am I covered for, what am I not? Here it's all on a page. Does your insurance do that? Get a quote to get started at Farmers.com. Don't be confused, don't wonder. Farmers makes it pretty clear. Underwritten by Farmers Truck or Fire Insurance Exchanges or affiliate. Products not available in every state.

• 14:51Conan O'Brien?

  Ever invest in something that seemed incredible at first, but didn't live up to the hype?

• 14:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, like all the time.

• 14:56Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I did that with an all potato restaurant.

• 14:59Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 15:02Conan O'Brien?

  Marketers know that feeling. They optimize for the numbers that look great, like impressions, but then they don't see revenue. You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Sean?

• 15:11Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, all the time.

• 15:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, LinkedIn has a word for that. Bullspend.

• 15:15Speaker 01

  Bullspend.

• 15:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, instead you can get the highest ROAS of major ad networks with LinkedIn ads. Cut the bullspend. Advertise on LinkedIn. Spend $250 and get a $250 credit. Go to LinkedIn.com/Conan. Terms apply.

• 15:36Conan O'Brien?

  So, you have to admit, the holidays, it's really about hanging with the people you love.

• 15:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:42Conan O'Brien?

  And getting to be yourself, not going to some stuffy holiday party where you need to conform to what the man wants you to think about the holidays.

• 15:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's about being yourself. Turn your holiday time into Miller time by enjoying a Miller Lite in a place where you're free to enjoy yourself on a walk with a cousin. With a cousin? Why are they getting all specific about it?

• 16:02Speaker 01

  Because it's family.

• 16:03Conan O'Brien?

  But what about a niece or a nephew?

• 16:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:07Conan O'Brien?

  Like a walk with an ex-wife? I don't know. I mean, they're just throwing, that's a weird, they just made a very specific choice.

• 16:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:14Conan O'Brien?

  Now's the time for those unexpected holiday side guests and enjoy a great tasting light beer. 'Tis Miller time, as Dickens wrote. Miller Lite is brewed for taste, the taste you can depend on. The original light beer since 1975 and still iconic more than 50 years later. I like to be with my bros, my chums, my posse, crack open a Miller Lite, take a swig, a sip, look around and see my friends. We've known each other forever and we're just hanging out.

• 16:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, you guys are just doing chest bumps and high-fiving.

• 16:44Conan O'Brien?

  Miller Lite is great taste done right. Go to millerlite.com/conan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. 'Tis Miller time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

• 17:06Speaker 02

  You both came by it honestly, though, so why, what if you both met and maybe there's like a, you guys could kind of like argue for who gets to keep it or something like that?

• 17:14Conan O'Brien?

  Keep what?

• 17:15Speaker 02

  The poster.

• 17:16Conan O'Brien?

  No, the poster has to stay outside the bathroom.

• 17:19Speaker 01

  Fight for the poster?

• 17:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. I want that thing that's been hanging outside the men's room. No, I want it. What world are you in?

• 17:25Speaker 02

  I'm in their world.

• 17:26Speaker 03

  Apparently it's there in all the toy it in India. Like toy it has different, it started in Bangalore, but I think it's in other cities and they all have a corn poster on your Reddit.

• 17:35Speaker 02

  Really?

• 17:36Speaker 03

  So that's a thing.

• 17:37Conan O'Brien?

  Well, here's what I want to do.

• 17:37Speaker 03

  You should get money out of it.

• 17:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:39Conan O'Brien?

  Please, Arjun, I'm not into monetizing things. It's not my thing. I colonize, but I don't monetize.

• 17:44Speaker 03

  How much do you have to be?

• 17:45Conan O'Brien?

  And I really need to moisturize. Arjun, here's what I want to do. I want, because what I'd like to do is hit the town with you. And maybe, do you think that I would be a good wingman for your romantic pursuits? Or do you think I'd be a bad wingman? Would I help your game or hurt your game?

• 18:05Speaker 03

  I think it'll help my game. Uh, if you are in Bangalore, obviously.

• 18:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 18:09Speaker 03

  Um, because it's a city and there are more people. And, uh, but I don't know. There are no queer, public queer spaces.

• 18:20Conan O'Brien?

  Is that true?

• 18:20Speaker 03

  Uh, there are, there are, but it's just that maybe I don't go there.

• 18:25Conan O'Brien?

  Mm hmm.

• 18:25Speaker 03

  But yeah, I'm not invited. But yeah, if you are here, we will go to a queer space.

• 18:30Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 18:31Speaker 03

  There used to be a lot of pubs before the pandemic. There used to be a lot of, um, bars and pubs that were queer friendly spaces.

• 18:38Conan O'Brien?

  Mm hmm.

• 18:38Speaker 03

  But then they closed down unfortunately due to the pandemic. But then now I'm sure there are, there are, oh, there are drag nights at some places.

• 18:45Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 18:46Speaker 03

  You can go.

• 18:47Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 18:47Speaker 03

  And oh yeah, and then there are improv, improv is becoming a thing in Bangalore. It's never, it never used to be a thing. It started becoming a thing recently and I went to a workshop who's so cringe, I loved it. So I feel like it can take you back to your olden days.

• 19:02Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I would love that. I would love to, I mean, I would, I would like the idea of going to any place that you want to go. And, uh, and it would be fun. It would be fun to, I have a serious question, which is, uh, cause I'm not aware. Is, is there acceptance of the queer community in India? Has that, is, is there a growing acceptance? Do you feel, uh, comfortable?

• 19:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, I mean, I live in a bubble. I live in a city, so, um, it's pretty, things seem very okay to me.

• 19:37Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 19:38Speaker 03

  But when you go to other places, things may be a little different. But again, I'm, you know, in a bubble. My family, my friends are all, um, pretty cool with things.

• 19:46Conan O'Brien?

  That's good.

• 19:47Speaker 03

  So yeah, they're fine. But, uh, otherwise, yeah, it's not a huge deal, I'd assume, especially for your audience in India. Because even if you shoot something that is extremely queer and put it out there, it'll be your fans in India who'll be seeing it.

• 20:04Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 20:05Speaker 03

  And your fans are inherently nice people.

• 20:07Conan O'Brien?

  Well, that's nice to know. Gee, when do they find out I'm not? And we'll get to that later.

• 20:13Speaker 02

  Find out. I think I know.

• 20:16Speaker 03

  I am the only homophobic one.

• 20:17Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I forgot you guys are reading all the threads. Reading all the comments. Monster. Freak.

• 20:26Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I, Arjun, you seem like a very nice person and it would be, I'd enjoy hanging out with you. And, um, and so maybe we can make that work out. I don't know. You know, we never know.

• 20:38Speaker 02

  I'm just trying to think if, if you as a wingman is a, is a positive or like, how would you help him? What would be your, your method?

• 20:44Conan O'Brien?

  Well, first, first of all, I clean up real nice when I want to. So I think, um, and, uh, I've had, you know, many, many, many gay men tell me that I'm their fantasy. And I, I just made that up, but.

• 20:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's your fantasy.

• 21:01Conan O'Brien?

  My fantasy is that I'm their fantasy.

• 21:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yes. Isn't that how it works?

• 21:06Speaker 03

  I Googled it actually. I wanted to know how famous you are or the impact you had in the queer community. So I did like an AI deep research thing. Hoping that I'll find something funny, like, oh, this fun thing that he did is huge in the queer community. But it's all very sweet. So, yeah, so there is nothing, you are known to be very consistent. And, um, and kind.

• 21:34Speaker 02

  That's nice.

• 21:34Speaker 03

  Why am I being so nice? I don't know.

• 21:36Conan O'Brien?

  I know. Don't worry. Well, we can fix this with AI later on and make it really mean and snarky. Well, Arjun, I think, uh, I think I'd be a good wingman for Arjun. I think first of all, you can't, you, you have to look at me. You can't look away.

• 21:52Speaker 02

  That's true.

• 21:52Conan O'Brien?

  And I think I would draw a crowd. And that's even if people don't know who I am, they think, oh my God, what is that thing that just came in?

• 22:00Speaker 02

  We got a couple of minutes here. I'm at a bar. You're as wingman. You guys are there. We're at Toit.

• 22:04Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 22:05Speaker 02

  Toit. Yeah.

• 22:06Speaker 03

  Toit.

• 22:07Speaker 02

  And I'm just, I'm just alone. I'm drinking. Drinking a...

• 22:11Conan O'Brien?

  What's your name?

• 22:12Speaker 02

  My name is Matt.

• 22:13Conan O'Brien?

  In this scenario, your name is Matt?

• 22:15Speaker 02

  No, my name is Chandlis.

• 22:17Conan O'Brien?

  Chandlis?

• 22:18Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 22:18Speaker 03

  Chandlis?

• 22:19Conan O'Brien?

  Do you think that's an Indian name?

• 22:20Speaker 02

  No, I'm just, I'm not...

• 22:22Conan O'Brien?

  Give us a good Indian name, Arjun. Common.

• 22:26Speaker 03

  You can be mad, there are Matthews in India.

• 22:28Speaker 02

  Thank you, Arjun. Actually, we don't need you. We're getting along just fine.

• 22:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:32Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, well, let's say, Arjun, let's do a little improv right now. You and I have our drinks in hand. What are you drinking there, Arjun?

• 22:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:42Speaker 03

  Beer. Doyt beer.

• 22:44Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, we're gonna get you an improv class before I come. That was a 20-minute pause, and then you picked the most obvious thing. Um, well, I have an Appletini. I have an Appletini that I brought with me on the plane. Uh, and...

• 22:57Speaker 03

  I was gonna say, Doyt doesn't have Appletini, but...

• 22:58Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, I brought my own. I always bring my own.

• 23:00Speaker 03

  You brought it.

• 23:01Conan O'Brien?

  So, Arjun and I walk up and, hey, what's your name?

• 23:04Speaker 02

  My name is Rishi.

• 23:06Conan O'Brien?

  Rishi, good to see you. You seem like a Matt to me, but we'll go with Rishi. Rishi, this is Arjun, he's my friend, and I'm Conan O'Brien, but you probably knew that.

• 23:19Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, mistake. What's going on?

• 23:22Speaker 02

  Well, I'm just here alone. Just recently got out of a relationship and I'm... I feel like I'm independently minded and not sad about being in that relationship, but I'm open and my heart's ready for love.

• 23:33Conan O'Brien?

  Wow, incredible. Well, guess what?

• 23:35Speaker 02

  What?

• 23:35Conan O'Brien?

  Um, I've been married for like 23 years. I hope I got that right. Uh, Arjun, um, I think he's single right now. Maybe you two have something to talk about. Arjun, have you met my friend Rishi?

• 23:47Speaker 03

  I'm not single, actually.

• 23:49Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 23:49Speaker 03

  Oh. Yeah, I'm married to a man, and he is very supportive.

• 23:55Speaker 01

  What?

• 23:56Conan O'Brien?

  Wait a minute, what's going on?

• 23:58Speaker 02

  Why would you set me up for this heartbreak, sir?

• 24:00Conan O'Brien?

  I'm sorry, listen.

• 24:00Speaker 02

  I'm sitting here alone.

• 24:02Conan O'Brien?

  Rishi, Rishi.

• 24:03Speaker 02

  You put me through this kind of mental roller coaster? I'm dying inside.

• 24:05Conan O'Brien?

  Rishi, I'm wondering if you're up for a throuple.

• 24:07Speaker 01

  Oh, plot twist.

• 24:09Conan O'Brien?

  Plot twist. Wait, Arjun, I thought you were single.

• 24:13Speaker 03

  No, he's very supportive. Um, even when I wanted to do this, he was behind me, like literally like behind me.

• 24:20Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, come on.

• 24:24Speaker 03

  I practiced that bit and I forgot that I said I was single.

• 24:27Speaker 02

  For the listener, he just moved his chair and there's a nice picture of Pedro Pascal back there.

• 24:32Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 24:32Conan O'Brien?

  So Pedro Pascal is who you're married to in your mind, right? Well, I have to now alert Pedro Pascal because this is very worrisome.

• 24:42Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, wow, okay, well, um, you just broke the big, a big rule in improv, which is you, you said no.

• 24:50Speaker 03

  Yes, and?

• 24:52Conan O'Brien?

  Too, yes, and I'm not available for a relationship.

• 24:57Conan O'Brien?

  Um, do you want to stick with in this scenario that you're with Pedro Pascal? Or do you want to now go with your single?

• 25:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, I want to know how much Rishi wants me.

• 25:05Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 25:06Speaker 03

  Regardless of my situation.

• 25:07Conan O'Brien?

  Rishi, I want to apologize for my friend who seems borderline insane. Um, he's not with Pedro Pascal and he just said that. That's his sense of humor a bit, but boy, he's a lot of fun. Uh, why don't you two talk? I'm just gonna have a sip of my Appletini.

• 25:20Speaker 02

  While you guys were going through all that, actually Pedro Pascal called me and we've entered a relationship. So I'm sorry to say this is gonna work out.

• 25:28Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 25:29Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, no, well, um.

• 25:31Speaker 03

  You just wasted both of our time.

• 25:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:34Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I think that's you too, Arjun.

• 25:36Speaker 02

  I know. I gotta actually side with you there.

• 25:39Speaker 01

  Oh, I'll jump in here. I'm Pedro Pascal.

• 25:41Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, look at Pedro Pascal.

• 25:44Speaker 02

  Hey, maybe slow down on all the projects lately.

• 25:47Conan O'Brien?

  He's playing an Armenian one in his next movie, yeah.

• 25:48Speaker 02

  Maybe take a break one. Between movies.

• 25:50Speaker 01

  Yeah. I'm married to, I'm married to Arjun and I'm dating Rishi.

• 25:54Conan O'Brien?

  Nice, hey.

• 25:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:55Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, Pedro, whatever you're doing, uh, you keep doing it because you're having a great year.

• 25:59Speaker 01

  Play in the field, that's me, it's Pedro Pascal.

• 26:02Conan O'Brien?

  Wow, okay.

• 26:03Speaker 01

  It did it.

• 26:04Conan O'Brien?

  So you're, how many relationships are you in right now?

• 26:06Speaker 01

  Seven.

• 26:07Conan O'Brien?

  Wow, okay. All right, Arjun, uh, you've made a complete mockery of this very serious podcast. Where I try and build international bonds and I, I blame you. But I do hope our paths cross one day because I like you, you seem like a very cool person and, uh, I think we'd have a fun time. Thank you so much, thank you very much. And so.

• 26:29Speaker 03

  All of you.

• 26:29Conan O'Brien?

  Um.

• 26:30Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 26:30Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, we'll, uh, we'll see you on down the road possibly, you never know, it's a strange world, isn't it?

• 26:38Speaker 03

  Is it?

• 26:41Speaker 02

  Yes, and Arjun.

• 26:42Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, and Arjun.

• 26:43Speaker 03

  Yes, and?

• 26:44Conan O'Brien?

  Is it?

• 26:45Speaker 03

  It is.

• 26:46Conan O'Brien?

  Doing a scene with Arjun in improv. "Arjun, welcome to my chocolate factory."

• 26:50Speaker 03

  Is it?

• 26:53Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, Arjun!

• 26:53Speaker 03

  My favorite improv thing to do is what you did with Sona, which is, "Yes, and you shut up." I love that.

• 27:01Conan O'Brien?

  I invented that. It's a power move. All right, Arjun, you take care. Nice talking to you.

• 27:06Speaker 03

  Nice talking to all of you. Bye.

• 27:12Speaker 04

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 27:29Speaker 04

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