When Your Kid Says “I’m Boredddd!”

Your kid whines, “I’m so bored!” and suddenly you feel like you have to fix it. Dr. Becky and independent play expert Lizzie Assa reframe boredom as a good thing, show parents how to step out of the entertainer role, and share a few doable ways to build independence, creativity, and resilience.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  After my first baby was born, I treated my own recovery like a complete afterthought. If the baby needed something, I showed up immediately. If I needed something, well, it would wait. But research shows that when parents have the support they need, they're better able to care for their children. Taking care of yourself isn't separate from parenting. It's a huge part of parenting. That's why I love Frida's mission to prepare women for the realities of pregnancy, postpartum, recovery, and feeding. Frida creates solutions for the moments that often catch moms off guard. The Postpartum Essentials Kit and Breastfeeding Survival Kit help women feel more prepared for those early weeks of motherhood. Be motherhood prepared and shop Frida at Amazon, Target, and Walmart today.

• 0:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I'm bored. Mom, I'm so bored. Dad, there's nothing to do. So boring. Okay, you are not alone if this is so triggering, but also relatively common. And yes, our kids are bored more often than we were as kids because their lives are actually so much more stimulating. So the situation that leads them to feel bored is just so much more common because there's so much stuff, so much dopamine, so many activities all around them. I am so excited to completely reframe the discussion around boredom because by the

• 1:23Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  end of today, you're going to start seeing your kids' boredom complaints as a good thing, as a sign that you're doing this parenting thing exactly right. I have brought in Lizzie Assa for this conversation. She is an expert on independent play and boredom, and she breaks down these topics in a way that makes so much sense, but also feels totally new and relieving. This is a conversation you're going to use right away in your home. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this.

• 1:56Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Let's just start with maybe what boredom's about. Like, what is really happening in this moment? And when you hear a parent talk about their kid who's bored, like, where does your mind start to go?

• 2:05Speaker 01

  You know, I have to laugh because my own kids will still say to me like, "Mom, I'm bored." And every time, I'm like, "Guys, hi."

• 2:15Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Do you know me?

• 2:15Speaker 01

  But, you know, I think the best, the thing about it is that, as a parent, it makes us feel like, "Oh, am I doing enough?"

• 2:25Speaker 01

  And, you know, my real goal is to really reframe that for parents of, "This is a good thing. This is a good thing." And when you lean into it, it's not just about independent play. It's about relationship, understanding who your kid is, what lights them up, what are they grappling with? And when we reserve that space for boredom and we, as the adult, feel anchored and okay with boredom, it lets our kids feel safe in boredom.

• 2:52Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  When kids complain about being bored, most parents have an immediate thought, "I'm doing something wrong. I'm not doing enough." Or are you kind of saying, like, "Oh, this is my problem to solve." Boredom is a problem to solve versus... Give me the versus.

• 3:09Speaker 01

  You know, I think in today's culture, we see it as our job to kind of optimize childhood to make sure we are giving our kids the opportunities that maybe we didn't have, right? We are setting them up for, you know, this enrichment, this, you know, this team sport or whatever, to give them that leg up, right? And for me, I really think about it the opposite way, right? I really think about leaving space for boredom as that's the thing that is giving my child the opportunity and the leg up.

• 3:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So is what you're saying, okay, my kid says I'm bored. Maybe parents are thinking it's true. When they say that, it feels like an alarm bell.

• 3:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:49Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And the only reason something's an alarm bell is if it's a problem to solve. But you're almost saying, Lizzie, there's something...

• 3:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Like positive when your kid says I'm bored, maybe you're doing something very right as a parent. Like, do I pat myself on the back a little?

• 4:03Speaker 01

  You do.

• 4:03Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Okay, so walk me through that. Yeah.

• 4:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, I do. Because to me, it means, okay, like, I see it as my job and for the parents that I work with, to schedule in that downtime for play and rest in the same way. And I'm not saying, don't sign your kid up for soccer. Don't sign your kid up for the enrichment that they love. But I am saying, reserve that time to be bored, to play, to rest, with the same ferocity that you do for the lessons.

• 4:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 4:35Speaker 01

  And so, when I do, when your kid does come to with I'm bored, to me, that says, you, Becky, great job.

• 4:42Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 4:43Speaker 01

  You reserved the time.

• 4:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I think that matters so much, because anyone listening, even that simple reframe makes a big difference. We're always unconsciously looking for signs that we're doing a good job as a parent.

• 4:54Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 4:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And if you actually think of I'm bored as one of those signs, it's harder to be triggered by it. Even if you don't know what to do next, you stop it from being a problem to solve. Right?

• 5:06Speaker 01

  Yes. And it is. You know, it is triggering. It is still triggering for me. And I researched and studied and wrote a book about the benefits of boredom. And still, I can get that feeling of, should I have signed them up for that extra thing?

• 5:20Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes.

• 5:20Speaker 01

  All their friends are doing this, and I'm not. You know, so I get it. I get it.

• 5:25Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Or do I need to now be the originator of ideas for my kid? And by the way, it's probably one of the reasons we go to bed so exhausted and resentful of our parenting, because we have almost outsourced our kids' creative abilities to being our responsibility. Because, okay, I guess I'll, I have to give them this activity, or I need to come up with the idea constantly on a treadmill.

• 5:45Speaker 01

  Yep. But you know, I think, when we think back to, you know, we're about the same age. And when we go back and think about our own childhoods, you know, there was time, right, to just kind of wander, to play. Our parents didn't see it as their job to entertain us. Like, they were interested in us. Sure. But it wasn't all encompassing to them.

• 6:09Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 6:09Speaker 01

  Right? And so we had time and the repetition to learn how to play, to get really good at being in charge of our own long Saturday afternoons. No one was saying to us, we have this club sport and it's three hours away. And this, we have this here. That wasn't happening.

• 6:30Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And 13 birthday parties on Saturday. I don't know how you can eat pizza and cake that many times, but you can.

• 6:35Speaker 01

  You know, and so we had time to practice playing and get really good at it.

• 6:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes.

• 6:41Speaker 01

  And now I want parents to give kids back that childhood, give them back that time.

• 6:46Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I guess the other thing versus our childhoods is what I often think is the unsaid part of the discussion around boredom and screens and independent play is our tolerance for our kids whining. It has to be less than our parents because we're in our phones all the time. We're not bored that much.

• 7:05Speaker 01

  I'm always like, well, what I can do ding ding ding and find such pleasure. Right? So I'm less tolerant of my kids discomfort, of course.

• 7:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right.

• 7:13Speaker 01

  And there's just so many more options available to us as parents.

• 7:17Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes.

• 7:18Speaker 01

  I mean, I imagine saying to my mom as a kid, I'm bored. And I don't think that even like registered to her.

• 7:25Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  What am I gonna do about that? Right. Like, that's a you problem.

• 7:27Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah. And a little bit, you're reclaiming that there's something in that that's helpful. It is a little bit of our kids' problem. At least it's not, it's not our problem.

• 7:36Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  It's not our problem to solve. There are ways that we can support it. And I think that's also really helpful as a parent.

• 7:44Speaker 01

  Right?

• 7:45Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes. Because, you know, for me, when my kids come in and say like, I'm bored and, you know, and I feel very confident saying, go be bored somewhere else. Because I know that in my home, I have set up what I like to call play pockets.

• 8:01Speaker 01

  I know that they have, there are toys and materials, there are spaces for them to read and be comfortable. They can go outside. I'm very lucky. You know, there are ways for them to entertain themselves. They might not like it. It might be uncomfortable getting from point A to point B, but I know I've done my job. You know, have you eaten? Yes. Okay. Have we connected today? Okay, yes. Are there options available to you for you to make into what you need? Yes. Well, once those things are met, in my mind, I'm like, okay, now this really is like a you problem to figure out.

• 8:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Okay, I want to go through those, some of those things. I actually want to start with the last thing. Tell me about the difference between, as a parent, I'm hearing you say this, have I done my job of kind of making sure there's things set up that you could use? The difference between that and, I don't know, doing the activity or being in charge of delivering the fun? Can you differentiate those?

• 9:03Speaker 01

  Absolutely. Because when I say, you know, are there things for them to do? I do not mean a craft or a project or a new toy that I am now going to sit with you and do, right? I do, I mean actually the opposite of that, right? Because I think what happens for a lot of parents is they're like, okay, play, independent play. I need to set up this beautiful sensory bin or we are going to make this project that I saw on Instagram and everyone in the family looked so happy doing it together. And then we go to do it in reality and what happens? Everyone's grumpy. The kid, you have now spent time, money, energy, you got excited and your kid engages for two minutes.

• 9:42Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 9:42Speaker 01

  And then they're bored again and you're burnt out.

• 9:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes, and have less money because you just spent all this money.

• 9:47Speaker 01

  And then you're like, see, my kid can't play.

• 9:49Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's exactly right.

• 9:50Speaker 01

  Right? When really, for me, when I think about, you know, setting up the environment for play, it means are there materials that reflect their life? Things that are interesting to them, right? So, you know, if you have a child who, say, is really into, I don't know, trucks.

• 10:09Speaker 01

  Are there trucks around? You know, are there a few truck books? Are there, you know, did we connect today? Maybe, you know, maybe I went to the supermarket with them. But instead of just like running through my to do list in my head on the way there, I pointed out a couple of trucks in the car on the way there, right? It's wow buddy, like, look at that one. What do you think about that one? What do you notice about that one? Right, so we're putting them as the expert in their interest. Okay, so then later, when they're bored, they have materials. You know, they have some toy trucks or some toy books or maybe some crayons and paper. Maybe they like to draw trucks, you know, whatever it is. Maybe they live in New York City and they can look out the window and draw the trucks. They say they get to decide that, right?

• 10:51Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 10:52Speaker 01

  Because if you're sitting there saying, today, we're going to play about trucks and we're going to make this project that I saw online. And first, we're going to glue this. Nope, do it this way. That's, that's not them independent playing, right? That's, that's you just teaching them maybe a skill. But that's not how we're supporting boredom.

• 11:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And my guess is it doesn't give the parent the thing that they need over time, which is some amount of time and your kid can do something independently, but they're not on a screen. And this is not about screens. And I think you and I are similar to the screen thing. That's fine, but I think every parent I know says it feels like either I have to give my kid an activity or they're on a screen. When, what I love, what you talk about is independent play is, is a way to get out of that binary.

• 11:35Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 11:35Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right?

• 11:36Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 11:36Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So say more about that.

• 11:37Speaker 01

  And you know, I think so much about how your work focuses so much on relationship building, right? Like at the basis of everything, you're coming back to their relationship. And something I really want parents to understand about play and independent play is that when you support your child in play and you value their play and you take time to watch them and observe them in their play, you're going to learn so much about like, who is my child? What's interesting to them? What are they grappling with?

• 12:07Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah, I have ideas.

• 12:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:09Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I have things to teach other people.

• 12:10Speaker 01

  And that builds confidence and it gives them the confidence they need as a little one, you know, to start playing. But then as they're older, you know, I was recently having a conversation with someone who was saying, you know, college kids are really grappling with, you know, making small decisions. They're calling their parents for every reason, like, you know, all of these things. And that makes me think back to, I wonder if those kids had time to play? Because I think that kind of resilience is really built on the living room floor at four.

• 12:42Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I know you and I see similarly about this, but I want to, I want to pull that out a little bit more because sometimes that leap isn't so obvious to other people. Okay, so it's a kid playing with trucks, or maybe a kid who likes to draw, free form, whatever it is. And then we're talking about a college kid who can decide which class to register when they can only pick one, or, you know, wants to know, do I talk to my teacher about this? Or do I wait? Whatever the decisions are. Zoom out from what's happening on the floor that you share often with parents about where play is play, but also it's so much more. So can you, can you just explain that a little more?

• 13:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, I would love to. So, you know, our kids, especially, I mean, I think about, you know, the parents whose kids are two, three, four, five, like the ones who are really still learning those independent play skills, right? Think, they don't have a lot of autonomy in their life, right? But play, play is a place where kids can create their own world, right? It is one of the only places that they get to make the decisions. They get to decide what happens and when in the game, right?

• 13:49Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yep.

• 13:49Speaker 01

  And oftentimes, as parents, we feel it's our job to play with them. And, and instead of playing with them, we become the entertainer, right? Suddenly, we're calling the shots. We're making the duck do this. And instead, I really want to help parents step back from that. And I'm not saying don't play with your kid. I think that's like a huge misnomer, right? You can play with your kid, but think of your role as less entertainer and more mirror. More person who says like, this is your world.

• 14:21Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 14:22Speaker 01

  You get to make the call. I'm just here reflecting that back to you. Right? And that's how our kids build those decision making skills. They become people who are like, I have ideas that matter. I can make a mistake and the world doesn't explode. It's okay, right? And the more they can do that over time, over years, they learn that resilience. It's okay to make a mistake.

• 14:48Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah. So I'm going to get at one more level of concrete and tell me this is, you know, an example that resonates. So I'm building with blocks, magnet tiles, whatever it is as a kid. And I think often as a parent, we watch and we think, oh, steady that foundation. It's going to fall. And now listen, anyone who says that, let me just be clear, you've not traumatized your kid. Your kid's going to be fine. Okay, like it is not too late and it's not too late because it's no big deal. We've all said those things. Okay. So we're talking about patterns, not right? And we're actually talking about giving parents freedom to do so much less. Okay, this is a good thing for parents and it's never too late to experiment with a little shift. But I think about the difference between that. First, it's either saying nothing. I don't know, the tower falls, my kid even gets upset and I say like, oh, tower fell.

• 15:33Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Or I usually do this thing around my kids, call it like the wondering face. I'm like, I wonder why that fell.

• 15:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Hmm. Almost I felt like it created a like wonder container. But I didn't do the wonder filling of the container. I don't know, does that make sense?

• 15:55Speaker 01

  Yes, and you didn't do the work. You didn't do the work. You just put out the scaffolding for the work.

• 16:02Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes.

• 16:02Speaker 01

  Right? And so, you know, oftentimes like we can get in there and be like, well, if you just do it this way or build it up here. Again, we're going back to being that entertainer. We're reflecting it back on me.

• 16:12Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 16:13Speaker 01

  But over time, when you have a kid, right? Who can build the tower, it falls, then they get to decide.

• 16:23Speaker 01

  Am I going to build it again? Am I going to melt down? Because that's fine, too. You know, like, that's allowed. It's disappointing, you know? Am I going to change it? And maybe I would say to them later, you know, when they go into build, "Hey, I remember yesterday when you were working and that fell? That was so tricky." You know, and again, I'm not going to say, "It's because, you know, you did this and this and this wrong. Try it this way." I'm not going to do that. I'm just going to let them think back to that, right? They got through it. It wasn't the, you know, and, and maybe today they're going to build it a different way. Or maybe they're not ready to build it a different way. Because play gives our kids an opportunity to keep repeating something until they've mastered it.

• 17:08Speaker 01

  They can keep coming at it in a way that makes sense to them.

• 17:11Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I want to actually do something where we think about kids at different ages. Okay, so this is a great example. The difference between saying to a kid when they're, I don't know, two, three, four, five, "Here's how you build a tower," taller versus, "I wonder what you could do." Or, "Ooh, I wonder if something isn't as sturdy as it needs to be to make a tower." I always say, it, it's helpful to like lead kids a little bit to the well, but let them have this like aha moment because they feel so proud. But let's say now an older kid. Like, I'd love to trace this, this difference between scaffolding and doing the work for our kids because it really relates to boredom. So where, where do you see this? Give me an example where you see this, whether it's in play or maybe independent tasks, remembering the water bottle.

• 17:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's like our four, two, three, four, five year old example. What about that? Let's say we're now have kids in elementary school, right? Where do you see these kind of decisions almost coming up? And to lay out for parents, like one pathway and another?

• 18:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, you know, when I think about things like, like I was saying, you know, kids are in college and they're struggling to make a decision, right? And I'm saying like, "This isn't really a college problem. This is a play problem," right? Because when kids have the opportunity to play a lot, they learn, "I can, I can start without someone telling me what to do." And like that alone, like that right there is a really important skill.

• 18:31Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah. Starting without someone telling them what to do. I mean, it's something I think in the workplace is a dream employee. Like, you know, not having someone who's waiting to be told what to do, but looks around and is like, oh, I see an opportunity. So again, forget just college. This is a skill for life. Okay. So let's say it's my five, six, seven year old now. They come home, they have a day where they don't have an activity and they're like, I don't know what to do. I'm bored.

• 18:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Show me two paths. One where you're kind of doing the decision for your kid and one where

• 19:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:01Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  you're setting your kid up to be able to be someone who can make those decisions.

• 19:05Speaker 01

  I mean, I understand a lot of times when kids say, I'm bored, our immediate thing is to start listing. It's either you have all those toys. You have all those toys and now you're going to tell me you're bored. Right? So there's that like resentment thing. Okay. Or we're going to say, okay, well, we could do this. We could do this. We can go here. We can do that.

• 19:24Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 19:25Speaker 01

  Yep. We can do that. Or they are going to do that thing, right? Where they say, then I'm going to give you some chores.

• 19:32Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know, like a punishment.

• 19:33Speaker 01

  Kind of done that. Like I've definitely done.

• 19:35Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I'll give you things to do.

• 19:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'll give you something to do. But I, you know, I think instead, if we can go back to that scaffolding and saying like, hmm, you are bored and you do have a whole day ahead of you. You're not really used to that. Let's think back for a minute. What's something you did last time you were bored? I remember on Saturday when you were building and you were, you know, creating the structure and you were really upset to stop building because we had to leave for the birthday party.

• 20:03Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Hmm.

• 20:03Speaker 01

  Do you want me to help you think through what you were working on? Maybe you'll want to do that again, or maybe you'll come up with a new idea.

• 20:11Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 20:11Speaker 01

  I really like to think of, you know, I'm bored. I don't know what to do. More as a bid for connection

• 20:17Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Hmm.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  and less as give me something to do.

• 20:25Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I'm ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean. Or maybe you love to cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset together as a family before the holiday season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go away this year, leaving your own space empty, you can list

• 21:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  it on Airbnb while you're away to give another family some quality time in a home away from home. You get to make use of your space and you can earn some extra income to put toward your family's future travel plans. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com/host. Here's a question parents ask me all the time. How can I help my kid take ownership of their routine? I love this question because owning a routine is such a good way for kids to build independence and confidence. It's why I'm excited to tell you about Yodo, the screen-free audio player for kids. In the mornings, your kid can wake up with Yodo's alarm clock. When your kid gets home from school, Yodo has focus tracks, audiobooks, music, and learning content. One of my kids really likes to write and record their own

• 21:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  stories with the make your own cards. Then at night, your kid can build a wind down routine with Yodo's toothbrush timer, white noise, and nightlight. With the right sounds, stories, and a bit of structure, thanks to Yodo, mornings feel more manageable. Homework time feels calmer, and winding down before bed becomes something kids can run themselves, making the whole school year feel a little easier for everyone. Use the code DRBECKY15 for 15% off your order at Yodoplay.com. New customers only, ends October 31st. Terms apply. Offer valid on select products only.

• 22:33Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So if you lead with a connection, oh, I hate when I'm bored too. Or, oh, I have those times at the end of the day. Or, oh, that's a hard feeling.

• 22:41Speaker 01

  And then you kind of wonder with your kid, or do you want me to help you remember? You're more setting them up to be the type of person who can take initiative. Rather than when you see the on board after school as my problem to fix. I think this is something that happens to parents a lot. We lock ourselves into the roles we don't want. I don't want my kid to always come to me. It's so annoying, right? Like, they're always coming to me. Why can't they be more independent?

• 23:04Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  It is annoying.

• 23:05Speaker 01

  It is annoying. But sometimes I think there's a reality check. It's like, well, every time my kid is bored, I do fix it for them. So.

• 23:12Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So I get, yeah, I guess I am locking myself into being entertainer of the year, even though I'm kind of resentful of being entertainer for the year.

• 23:20Speaker 01

  And I think like that word resentful is actually such an important piece in this, right? Because the other piece for parents is, you know, that when you are the entertainer, you are on 24/7. And when you remove that job from your description, you actually have a lot more time back for yourself so that you can show up as the person you want to be. And also, you feel more connected to your child. You really do. You know, oftentimes people will say, gosh, you know, Lizzie, I did everything you said to do. And my kid, my kid actually loves playing alone now. And I feel kind of guilty, right? And I think when that happens, they're missing that piece of reconnecting after, right?

• 24:05Speaker 01

  And so really taking that time, like, what did my kid end up doing when they were bored? And this is, you know, great at any age, is to go back and say, at the end of the day, hey, remember this morning when you came to me? You were so bored. You didn't know what to do. We thought it through. I saw that you built this. I would love to hear more about that when you're ready. You know, we're not saying, what did you build? Show me. We're not, whenever you're ready. Or, I heard those baby dolls crying in the playroom. I wonder what they were sad about. You know, we're not questioning them like they have to tell you, but we just want them to know, like, you noticed. I noticed you playing, right? And so then we're doing two things. One, we're saying, your play really matters. I notice you, your, and your ideas.

• 24:49Speaker 01

  And also, you've got this. Like, you did that. You had a problem. We thought it through together. And you, and you worked it out.

• 24:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 24:57Speaker 01

  And that really reinforces to them for the next time and the next time. And then they really become that kid who's like, I don't want to go with you to wherever because I've got a great idea to play with my Magna Tiles. They become those kids who race home after school with a really good idea of something that they need paper and tape to work out.

• 25:17Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yep. Yeah. And I'm thinking as our kids get older, and I know you have older kids, I've, you know, kind of right in the middle, where I think about, you know, our kids always forgetting the water bottle. And these patterns, there's so many extensions of them that don't explicitly have to do with play. And the difference between every day, here's your water bottle, here's your water bottle, even though I'm thinking, I don't want to be my kid's water bottle remember when he's 18, right? Even though I keep doing that, versus, hey, you keep forgetting your water bottle. I wonder what you would need on the wall or somewhere in our house to remember. And I think that binary is something you, you explained so well around boredom and playing these skills, where it's really the binary

• 25:56Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  of fixing our kid's problem, or creating a container for them to solve their own problems. And the benefits of that, like when you're no longer your kid's water bottle remember, you do have more time to talk to them about different things because you're, you're not running around your house and depleted all the time.

• 26:15Speaker 01

  And you end up with a kid who knows, deep down, I can be in charge of my water bottle. And if I forget, and if, you know, it's still okay. Like, it's not the end of the world, or maybe my teacher is annoyed at me because I forgot my violin, and that's okay too, because I can learn how to advocate for myself. And it's not in the way of saying to your kid, well, you forgot, so now you deal with it. It's not like that. It's saying like, gosh, you know, you did forget your violin. Is there a way I can support you to remember your violin, right?

• 26:50Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes.

• 26:51Speaker 01

  And also saying, how did you manage that? You know, like, what did that feel like for you?

• 26:58Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 26:58Speaker 01

  Right? You're in it with them. You're walking next to them. And that's what I want parents to understand about play. You walk next to them in figuring it out, but it belongs to them. It's not our job to create the magic of play. That belongs to them.

• 27:14Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I think you're also saying your approach is that's in them. It's actually in them.

• 27:18Speaker 01

  It's inherent in who they are as people.

• 27:20Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 27:21Speaker 01

  They have interests. They have a drive for autonomy. They are so creative.

• 27:26Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah. So I'm thinking about the parents listening who says this, okay, this, this all resonates. And my kid isn't two or five anymore. And they're constantly looking for me for entertainment. How do I, you know, how do I shift the front of the ship a little bit? What are some things knowing the whining, the protests, the you used to do this for me is kind of coming, coming their way?

• 27:49Speaker 01

  I would be really upfront with, say, my seven year old, right? I am your partner in this. Like, let's figure this out together, right? Every day you keep coming home and, you know, I'm, I work from home and, and I'm working and you come in and you really want to go on the iPad because you're not sure what to do. And like, I get that, right? Because sometimes when I don't know what to do, I go on my phone. Right? So like, I get that. Right? So right there, we're not saying like, you're bad for coming to me, or you, you should know what to do. We're not saying that. We're saying like, I see you. I get it. Like, it happens to me too. Right? And then I would say, and I really want to help you make a change in this because there's a lot of afternoons that could feel really good. You have so many good ideas.

• 28:31Speaker 01

  There's so many important things about you that you deserve time to work on. And I want to help you work on those, right? So let's think about like, what kind of things would you, if you were in charge in the afternoon, what would you be doing? You know, and really, and even if it gets like crazy and fantastical, you're not going to jump in with, well, no, we can't do that because you're really going to go to that place with them, right? Like, let them fantasize about it because it's a window for you to see in, right? And then, does that mean you have to go out and buy 50 craft kits and say yes to the iPad? No, but it does mean that you're gonna say, okay, like, it sounds like you really like art,

• 29:12Speaker 01

  you know, and, you know, we have a lot of markers and stuff in the cabinet, but, you know, they are kinda hard to get to. And when you do try to pull down the paper, everything comes crashing down. So, you know, that is what I like to call a barrier to play, right? So for me as an adult, I'm not gonna see it as my job to go out and buy materials. I am gonna see it as my job to remove the barrier to them getting started. So that might mean, let's try something, tomorrow when you come home, I'm gonna put out on the table, just like some paper and some of those markers that you got for your birthday last year, and maybe some stickers. Like, what kind of stickers do you think, like, we have that, you know, and I'm gonna put those out on the table and have a snack with them, right? I'm gonna connect with them before I ask them to do something on their own.

• 29:57Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yep. And so, first of all, I just love that step by step. And the other thing I wanna add is, your kid won't come home and say, "This is such a better afternoon than the iPad. Thank you for that setup. I love this invitation to play." They will not. I feel like most kids, if they're not used to that, will whine.

• 30:13Speaker 01

  They will.

• 30:14Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Or they'll just say, "I have an idea. You could just let me be in my iPad. What do I wanna do? Be in my iPad all day?" And it's so important not to see that as a failure, but as a actually totally predictable step.

• 30:24Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 30:25Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right? Like, if I was in a stage of eating, like, I don't know, just Kit Kats and Reese's every day as my snack, and I was like, "I wanna make a shift. This isn't, like, so great for my long-term energy, whatever," and I had, I don't know, whatever else out. Like, I can't expect that I'd be like, "Oh, so happy for these carrots and hummus." No, of course not, okay? We all, we all want the thing that's easiest and most dopamine-giving with the least amount of effort. It's just how our brains work. And so it's a little bit, I think, of a fight, and, and just wanna normalize that that is part of the process.

• 30:56Speaker 01

  You know what? It is our child's job to push back.

• 31:01Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes.

• 31:01Speaker 01

  We want kids who push back. I want my kids, when they feel uncomfortable, to speak up. Right?

• 31:07Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 31:07Speaker 01

  And sometimes that's messy and annoying and uncomfortable. But so something that I usually tell parents to do is to sort of play that out in your head. Like, okay, I'm going to take that extra 10 minutes to put out the markers and the, you know, whatever. And my kid is probably going to do it for two minutes because they're not used to this.

• 31:23Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Because it's new.

• 31:24Speaker 01

  It's new. And they're practicing and they're learning, right?

• 31:27Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes.

• 31:27Speaker 01

  So maybe, what do they need? Maybe I should set it up next to me at my desk. Right? Maybe they want, you know, I can say like, I can't talk to you right now, but you can do your work while I'm doing mine.

• 31:39Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yep.

• 31:39Speaker 01

  Right? Maybe that co-regulation is going to be something next to each other as you're learning something new. And I might even say like, you're learning something new. And sometimes it helps to be next to someone when you're doing it. Do you want to work next to me at my desk?

• 31:52Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's exactly right. And again, does that mean the first time they're going to do it? No, they will, you should probably do it when you have a fake meeting, knowing that your kid's going to be poking you the entire time. You're like, good thing I had my fake meeting today, you know, because I have to scaffold this totally new skill. One thing I want parents to think about, because I think it's a big part of it when we make any shift, and I recently did this live event, you know, in our Good Side Community, where this was so powerful. Okay, where I said, when you're making a shift in your family rhythms, right? Or your kind of family routines, and you kind of know your kid's going to be upset. We all focus on that my kid freaks out, but before you tell your kid the decision, right? Maybe now we're going to do markers or, you know, instead of write to iPad.

• 32:33Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  How much certainty and conviction do you have in your own decision? And you know what? The first response in the Zoom was zero.

• 32:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:42Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And everyone kind of laughed, right?

• 32:43Speaker 01

  And we're always looking, you know, for confirmation that we were right. And our kids are going to give it to us, right? So we right away are like, see, I knew they couldn't do it.

• 32:51Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Well, that's exactly right. And this is why I just want to add here that anyone listening who's thinking, that's going to be so hard, my kid's going to freak out, this sounds too perfect. No, you're right. Like, it's going to be hard. Any change is hard. The thing that we don't focus on enough, I think, is we need to have conviction. Not that it's going to be easy. We have to have conviction in a shift in family rhythms that we think it's long-term going to be better for anyone, everyone, before we do it. Because if not, we're going to say it like this. Don't you think, don't you think it's better to do markers after school? And I always picture a five-year-old being like, are you consulting me? Like, am I supposed to make, am I supposed to make you feel better here? Like, and then they do freak out in part because they're kind of being asked to do our job.

• 33:35Speaker 01

  And also, when you have a kid who's not used to a blank piece of paper and markers, like, they don't know what to do.

• 33:42Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 33:42Speaker 01

  Right? And so something that's really helpful for parents is to, before you make this shift, take a diary or two and just jot down, you know, what does my kid talk about a lot? Even if it's like their favorite TV show.

• 33:55Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 33:55Speaker 01

  That counts.

• 33:56Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 33:57Speaker 01

  Their favorite video game, that counts.

• 33:59Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 33:59Speaker 01

  Right? And so how can I support their interest in whatever I'm offering them? Right? Because that is sort of a path and a way in, instead of just giving them something blank and saying, go for it.

• 34:11Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Which I panic about.

• 34:12Speaker 01

  Right. So instead, I might say, you know, like, if I have a kid, parents who say like, well, my kid doesn't build with blocks and I'm not going to sit there, you know, with these little wooden blocks. And, and I'm like, you're right, they're not.

• 34:22Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right.

• 34:22Speaker 01

  They're not.

• 34:23Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Right.

• 34:24Speaker 01

  But if you're going to give them some wooden blocks with their favorite Bluey figures or something that is connected to them, something they're already thinking about, something that's important to them, and they can work those themes out in real life, that's how you're going to hook them in.

• 34:38Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's right. And this is where the lack of rigidity is helpful. So many times what our kids are interested in, in an online game or a show can give us insight into the very areas they can play more independently.

• 34:49Speaker 01

  Yes. I mean, my daughter, who's 12 now, when she was little, she was obsessed with Paw Patrol. Okay. I mean, obsessed, right? And that didn't mean I went out and bought every Paw Patrol tower and toy and whatever. But you know what I did do? I invested in a lot of those little mini Paw Patrol figurines and we brought those everywhere.

• 35:07Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yep.

• 35:08Speaker 01

  They came in the playroom because they paired so well with her. They gave her an in, right? To build.

• 35:14Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's right.

• 35:15Speaker 01

  To play, to draw. They gave her something to talk about when she felt awkward at a family function.

• 35:21Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yep.

• 35:21Speaker 01

  They gave her something to do in the restaurant when her food wasn't coming and, you know, she was three and so, you know. The snack was a very big deal.

• 35:31Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes.

• 35:31Speaker 01

  You know, and so you really want to think like, what is something that my kid loves? It doesn't have to be something that you see as, you know, some very important big theme. It's literally as simple as the Paw Patrol figure.

• 35:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes. Thank you for that. Okay. I want to end with a rapid fire round all around these themes. You ready? Okay. People need to understand this about boredom.

• 35:54Speaker 01

  Boredom is safe and a good thing.

• 35:56Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Love that. What's something you've learned about yourself in your adult moments of boredom?

• 36:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, I need more of them. I need to, I talk a lot about other people carving out times for boredom for their kids. And as a grown up, I need to practice what I preach.

• 36:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah. Thank you for the honesty.

• 36:15Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 36:15Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  A phrase, idea, belief, mantra you come back to around boredom?

• 36:20Speaker 01

  Boredom is a place where my kids can really have time and space to understand who they are and feel comfortable being with themselves.

• 36:31Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Beautiful. If every parent could remember one thing about independent play, what would it be?

• 36:37Speaker 01

  It looks different for all kids and so many things count that you might not think do.

• 36:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Great. One thing to not say to a kid who's bored and one thing that's often helpful to say?

• 36:49Speaker 01

  Something that's helpful to say is to really reflect back to them is it's hard when you're not sure what to do. Right? And something that's probably not helpful is listing off a bunch of activities.

• 37:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Thank you. Thank you for your work for this really important book. So excited for more parents to get it in their homes.

• 37:07Speaker 01

  Thank you for having me.

• 37:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  There are three main takeaways I'm still thinking about from this episode and I wanted to share them with you. Number one. Tolerating our kids' boredom starts with our reaction to their boredom. I know that's hard to hear, but I always think, wait, that's a good thing. Change starts with something under my control. That's actually very empowering. Number two, my kid being bored is a sign I'm doing a good job as a parent. I'm sorry, can we all pat ourselves on the back for that? It's not a sign I'm not doing enough. It's a sign that I'm actually trying to protect some amount of time for my kid when they are not stimulated externally, when they are not given an activity,

• 37:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  when they actually are trying to figure out something inside themselves in terms of their own creativity, their own ideas, their own independence. And three, play is actually a really important thing for our kids to be successful adults. Play is play, but I also love what Lizzie said, that this is where kids are building skills. It's where they're taking risks and learning how to deal with struggles. It's where they develop initiative, taking an idea and putting it into a state of action. That's amazing and will make me protect play in a very different way.

• 38:30Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Let's end the way we always do. Place your feet on the ground. Place a hand on your heart. And let's remind ourselves, even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside.

• 38:48Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I'll see you soon.

• 38:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know, parents carry a lot. In fact, data show that most parents spend every waking hour caring for someone else. So if you feel exhausted and stretched thin, you're not alone, and that makes sense. And look, I also know from experience what a relief it is to find caregiving support. Finding a babysitter you trust and your kids will have fun with, that makes it so much easier to go back to work or travel or yeah, even go on one date with your partner. Care.com makes it easier to find trusted, background-checked caregivers with search and hiring tools you won't find on social media. Whether you need full-time help or just part-time help with morning drop-off or after-school

• 39:36Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  care, Care.com can help you find nannies, sitters, and daycares. And you can find the expertise that matters to you. Think homework help, CPR training, or experience with multiple kids. And if you're considering daycare, you can search, compare, and request tours and could even get a discount on daycare tuition as a Care.com member. If you need more support, Care.com can help. For a limited time, you can use the code BECKY35 to save 35% on a Care.com membership. When it's not you, it's Care.com.