#570 - Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler is a stand-up comedian, host and best-selling author. Her new special “The Feeling” is streaming now on Netflix. Chelsea Handler joins Theo to talk about surviving her wild adolescence, why not to give your date magic mushrooms, and the first time she got “the feeling”... Chelsea Handler: https://www.instagram.com/chelseahandler ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ Morgan & Morgan: Visit https://forthepeople.com/THEO to see if you might have a case. Morgan and Morgan. America's Largest Injury Law Firm. ARMRA: Go to http://tryarmra.com/THEO or enter THEO to get 15% off your first order. ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn Bishop Gunn - Shine ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [email protected] Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Theo Von?

  Today's guest is a stand-up comedian. She's an actress, she's an author. She just came out with her seventh book. You know her from her Chelsea Lately series and just from being a force in the comedy world. Her new special, The Feeling, is out now on Netflix. I'm grateful to spend time with today's guest, Chelsea Handler.

• 0:40Speaker 01

  Where are you from, Theo?

• 0:41Theo Von?

  I'm from Louisiana.

• 0:44Theo Von?

  I'm from Louisiana, so not a lot of comedians. Well, there are, Mark Normand is a comedian out of Louisiana. Oh, I'm in a space, there's a bunch of guys.

• 0:54Speaker 01

  Who were you with, WME?

• 0:56Theo Von?

  Yeah, Michael Berkowitz.

• 0:58Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, he's my agent, too.

• 0:59Theo Von?

  He is?

• 1:00Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:00Theo Von?

  Oh, wait, he said that?

• 1:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02Theo Von?

  I just saw him the other day, he came to a show in Pittsburgh.

• 1:04Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:05Theo Von?

  So, every time agents are scared of losing you, they show up, you notice that?

• 1:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, for sure, that's their jam.

• 1:11Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:11Speaker 01

  Are you thinking about leaving WME?

• 1:13Theo Von?

  No, I mean, Mike is charming. He does, he's done great work for me and...

• 1:19Speaker 01

  Have you ever been at UTA?

• 1:21Theo Von?

  Um...

• 1:22Speaker 01

  Because I just left UTA like six months ago for WME.

• 1:25Theo Von?

  You did, the owner of UTA?

• 1:27Speaker 01

  Jim, Jeremy Zimmer?

• 1:28Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:29Speaker 01

  One of those guys, yeah.

• 1:29Theo Von?

  Yeah, Jeremy, I've known him for a few years, Jeremy's a really neat guy.

• 1:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:33Theo Von?

  He's very, um, there's nobody like him.

• 1:36Speaker 01

  That's funny, I got after the Oscar parties on the morning after, I switched out of my heels into a pair of sneakers, Oscar night for the parties. I wanted to go to a guy's party and I wanted to dance, and so I got a, um, Dougie, come here, Doug, come. Doug, come.

• 1:51Theo Von?

  Doug.

• 1:52Speaker 01

  Doug, I feel like he's looking for a place to pee, come over here.

• 1:55Theo Von?

  Is he?

• 1:55Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:56Theo Von?

  He could pee by me if he needs to, I guess.

• 1:57Speaker 01

  They just checked out, well, hopefully he will during that interview, that'll be perfect. Um, he sent me a text and he's like, "I have your shoes from last night, I didn't see Jeremy Zimmer, I have no idea how he had my shoes, I had just left his agency." I was like, "Thank you very much." And he's like, "Can I send these to an address?" And I was like, "Just keep them, I don't really need them anymore, they were just for the night." So, that's funny, yeah, Jeremy Zimmer is very unique.

• 2:18Theo Von?

  He's a great speaker, too, he's a great, uh, he's able to speak and think at the same time really well.

• 2:24Speaker 01

  Mm.

• 2:24Theo Von?

  That's something that I really admire about him.

• 2:28Theo Von?

  What was I gonna ask you about? Oh, good to see you.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  Thank you, thank you.

• 2:31Theo Von?

  You look great.

• 2:32Speaker 01

  Have we ever seen each other before?

• 2:33Theo Von?

  I came on your show a couple times, uh, when you had Chelsea Lately show.

• 2:37Speaker 01

  Oh, really?

• 2:38Theo Von?

  Yeah, I was so nervous.

• 2:39Speaker 01

  Were you?

• 2:40Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:40Speaker 01

  God, I don't even remember.

• 2:42Theo Von?

  It's okay, yeah.

• 2:42Speaker 01

  So many comics were on my show that I don't even remember meeting. That's so crazy. So many people came on my show and were interviewed by me that I don't remember. So when I run into these people, I always say, hi, it's nice to meet you.

• 2:53Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:53Speaker 01

  And they're like, you've interviewed me like several times. And I'm like, well, it's great to see you again.

• 2:58Theo Von?

  Do you think, was it because, were you drinking or was it just because you were, it was just time was just hectic?

• 3:03Speaker 01

  Just interviewing thousands of people. It's impossible to remember everyone. No, I typically didn't drink during my show.

• 3:09Theo Von?

  Yeah. Would you ever though? Because sometimes life just gets so stressful.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  I mean, I'll drink when I'm performing on stage, because that's kind of nighttime, eight o'clock, you know? That I don't have a problem with. Not wasted, but have a cocktail before I go on.

• 3:23Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 3:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, I like that. But during the daytime, it's kind of an unnecessary thing. And when you're shooting, when you're filming a show at three in the afternoon, it's really not necessary.

• 3:31Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I get, yeah, I think, I can't remember if I even had a drink at that. I was so nervous. I remember like some of the lines I said, I couldn't get them right. And I was like, I was like immensely nervous at that time.

• 3:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, oh.

• 3:44Theo Von?

  And yeah, but you had so many comics on. That was like the Tonight Show for a while for comedians. I mean, it boosted a lot of careers. It launched a lot of careers.

• 3:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:52Theo Von?

  It felt like, did a lot of, um, I mean, Michael Yo, Chris Frangola, I mean.

• 3:58Speaker 01

  Joe Coy.

• 3:59Theo Von?

  Joe Coy, Fortune Feimster.

• 4:00Speaker 01

  Ali Wong was on that show. Uh, who else? Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart was on the roundtable before he blew up. Kevin was on the roundtable a bunch of times before he blew up. And then he was like, alright, I'm done with the roundtable. I'm a guest.

• 4:13Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 4:13Speaker 01

  And I was like, who the fuck does this guy think he is? And then of course, I was like, good for you. You are a guest now, you know? Um, but yeah, tons of people.

• 4:21Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah. So I mean, and I hate to like just miss some people's names. Ross Matthews.

• 4:25Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm, yeah.

• 4:26Theo Von?

  He was, he was a big part of that show too, I remember. Or that's kind of what it, because then he had a spinoff of his own show from your show, didn't he?

• 4:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, I produced it. The Ross Matthews Show. And Whitney Cummings, uh.

• 4:35Theo Von?

  Yeah, I love Ross.

• 4:36Speaker 01

  A lot of people. Yeah, I just saw Ross in New York City. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:40Theo Von?

  He's one of a kind.

• 4:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:42Theo Von?

  Yeah, he just like. I don't know. I could never see him and not just feel better, I feel like.

• 4:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's an upliftor, for sure.

• 4:49Theo Von?

  He's like infectious. But yeah, I was so nervous. I got so nervous because I think also like you would come out and you didn't kind of, or I didn't know you and so like I didn't get to say hello or anything and I was just hyper nervous and um yeah, that was that was definitely tougher back then for me just to be in like those type of environments. Did you ever have a talk show that you went on earlier where you were just like, or some sort of thing you went on where you're like, I can't handle this, or were you always?

• 5:13Speaker 01

  No, always. Yeah, I mean diarrhea, you know what I mean? Like, you know, remember when you, like I used to do Leno before I was like a correspondent on Leno. I mean, I would like, I'm not even, I don't pray and I would pray. I'd be like, just please let me do well, let me do well. I'd be on my knees in the dressing room like, can everyone get out really quick? Because I don't want anyone to see me praying also. So I would get down on my knees and be like, please, please, please, let's. I mean, I did that up until probably, I don't know, 10 years ago, five years ago, until I finally, I'm solid in my footing enough to know I'm gonna do a good job. When you do something for so long, you understand what the mechanics are and even if it's a shitty situation, if you have a right attitude, it's gonna be good.

• 5:56Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 5:57Speaker 01

  You know what I mean?

• 5:58Theo Von?

  Yeah, definitely it changes. Like now I feel more confident in a lot of situations. Some conversations I still get nervous in, but not like when I'm going on stage and stuff. Now I know I've just done it enough times where I can handle it. So that, yeah, some things do start to evolve. Thank God. I remember being in like a really little audition room when I first went in. It was over at E. They were auditioning for something and I was like, can we open the window? I was like, and it was like kind of a little room, but it was like, and it was windows they didn't let up. So the assistants over there, Matt, trying to open, like doesn't open, and nothing was helping. I was like, can we open the door? And it was just, it was horrible. I had some rough ones early on. With so many comedians who tried to get on your show, was there a lot of lobbying that happened like

• 6:39Theo Von?

  behind the scenes? Like, did comedian like friends, like, or people try to like infiltrate your space? Do you feel like to try to get those positions? Because that was such a coveted spot to be on Chelsea lately.

• 6:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's funny you say that. I don't really remember that. I had such a team of people around me. It's like that, that were, were, those were the people, like, you're not coming to me saying, can I come on your show? Like, that wasn't really a thing. It was more about the bookers, probably, were dealing with that. And other comedians would go to the bookers, but nobody really bothered me with that, like, you know, this person wants to come on, can you do me a favor? It wasn't like that. I probably didn't give off the air that that would be that very, that, that welcome.

• 7:16Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 7:17Speaker 01

  You know, like, I didn't, I didn't want to deal with that shit. I was dealing with enough shit. There was enough fucking people. We were like a big fraternity party. All we did was play practical jokes on each other all day. It was one of the most unprofessional environments I've ever been a part of. And I fucking loved it, you know? So, anything that would slightly annoy me at that time, I had very little tolerance for, so nobody would be jockeying with me, because I hated that. Like, when I'd put up my stand-up dates, I'd be like, okay, I'm doing a tour for this book, or whatever, and I'd put it up on the wall. And all the comics that worked on Chelsea Lately, the writers, would have first, they could decide if they wanted to open for me, you know? And they'd sign up on the wall, like, I'm going, doing Kansas City, I'm doing St. Louis. And when that happened, and they would go at it and jockey for that, like, I would, I had no, I don't like that.

• 8:01Speaker 01

  I don't like competitiveness. I don't like when people are like, no, I want to do this one. So, like, I think everyone knew not to fuck around with that. I don't like when people are acting like that, gamesmanship, you know? So, um.

• 8:12Theo Von?

  You pick up on it probably pretty quick, I would guess.

• 8:14Speaker 01

  And I'd also ignore it easily. Like, I'm not, I'm, that's none of an interest of mine, so, uh, yeah. But people would come on, if they didn't do well, they'd get a second chance, maybe. Sometimes they'd bomb really badly, and then, you know, there's nothing you can do. And people were really nervous, and there's nothing I can do about that either, you know? Like, you're either gonna sink or swim.

• 8:30Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 8:31Speaker 01

  So, you're, you have to kind of, when you're in that situation, and you're running a show, and it's your name on it, you kind of just have to, you have to understand, some people, if you felt bad for every single person who didn't do well, you're not succeeding either.

• 8:43Theo Von?

  Yeah, you'll be a therapist at that point.

• 8:45Speaker 01

  Right.

• 8:45Theo Von?

  Yeah. Um, The Feeling, I watched some of The Feeling. I love, like, What's one of the line you had early in it? It was like, um, even at seven, I was looking for a bar. I think that's one of the lines you have in it.

• 9:01Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 9:02Theo Von?

  About just being young. It seemed like you were born, like I could relate to it so much, like, like immediately, even though in this, some of the stories you start telling in the new special, it's like, you are a adult.

• 9:13Speaker 01

  I was born as a woman.

• 9:14Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 9:14Speaker 01

  Yeah. I was, when I was born, I was pissed.

• 9:17Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 9:17Speaker 01

  I was pissed and I was a woman and I felt like I was trapped in a little baby's body with it that was chubby and being tossed around like some sort of party favor. And I wanted to be a businesswoman.

• 9:27Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 9:28Speaker 01

  I realized right away that my family was not gonna cut it.

• 9:31Theo Von?

  Incompetent employees.

• 9:33Speaker 01

  Incompetent, too many people already. There were like five other kids. I'm like, where are these fucking kids coming from?

• 9:37Theo Von?

  No union.

• 9:38Speaker 01

  Why, why? Yeah, unions. Yeah, exactly. I wanted to be, I wanted to head up a union. And I just couldn't believe the, the, the lack of like a savings account or financial plan. And my dad seemed like he was a bit of a hot mess. My mom was sleeping a lot and I just was like, this family is not up to stuff. Like I had bigger ideas for myself.

• 9:58Theo Von?

  Yes. It's, I could relate to that so much. Like I just felt like I was born into a place where like, it was almost like I was born into like a, a, a job, like a job position that I didn't apply for.

• 10:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:09Theo Von?

  And there was no like clear rules of employment on the wall. The hours were super fucking vague. You didn't exactly know who was in charge, but you had to be at work every day. That's kind of like how I felt. So when you were talking about that, um, some of the early stories you're talking about, I could just relate to that so much.

• 10:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, my dad was also like, I had such a mouth on me from such a young age because I really did feel like a woman. I wanted to, I was like, when am I, when do I get to get out of here? Like where, where's my apartment? I want to start working. Like I wanted to start a business. And my dad couldn't understand. He was like, what, what, who is this little cunt? Like, why won't she shut the fuck up? And I mean, and he tried everything to like bring me down, you know? So we would butt head, not bring me down, but keep me in my place. Like put me in my place. Like no girl talks like this. You're too loud, you're too abrasive and all of these things. Meanwhile, my dad was all of those things, loud, abrasive. It's like, that's where I got it from.

• 11:02Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 11:02Speaker 01

  But so we didn't, we did not see eye to eye for a very long time.

• 11:06Theo Von?

  Was there um, was there moments when you were a kid that actually did feel like a kid? Like when you kind of look back, right? Like, cause I always felt kind of like wet cement. I felt like I was always having to manage myself. There was so much going on, like on the inside and outside. I never felt like super reliable in my own footing and stuff. But when you look back on your life, were there moments where you actually felt like, okay, I was just kind of a kid there, you know? As opposed to being like the, like um, somebody who had to be on top of everything? Like, does that make any sense to you?

• 11:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, of course. No, I definitely felt like a kid. Like I was, you know, I was a kid. I, I had all those kid experiences, but there was always a sense of when you're the youngest of six children, how many kids do you have in your family?

• 11:46Theo Von?

  Yeah, we had four.

• 11:47Speaker 01

  And you're the, what number?

• 11:47Theo Von?

  I'm the second one.

• 11:48Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 11:49Theo Von?

  But it was bad. I mean, it was just, our family was just weird, but, but yeah, I knew you were the last one.

• 11:53Speaker 01

  Yeah. And when you're the last one, you are, you absorb, first of all, you grow up in two seconds because everyone else is fucking and smoking weed and you're hearing conversations that little children aren't supposed to hear. So you're mature right away, because you're like, oh, yeah, like, you know, I knew about anal sex when I was like six. I was like, God, I can't wait to try that. You know, like, you, you're, you're just mature in different ways. And, you know, not that anal is a sign of maturity, but you know, it's one sign of just knowing too much too soon.

• 12:20Theo Von?

  It's considered a vacation in some religions, you know?

• 12:23Speaker 01

  And for some people.

• 12:24Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 12:24Speaker 01

  But um, I, I definitely had childlike experiences, for sure. And I had, my brothers and sisters were all pretty tight. So they kind of did raise me and they kind of brought me along with them. It's many like different things, but I was always ahead of my age group.

• 12:39Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 12:40Speaker 01

  And even when I dated guys in high school, like it was illegal, the men that I was dating. You know, they were in their twenties and I was a teenager. Like I could totally put them in jail for statutory rape, except I seduced all of them. You know, there's nothing I would ever do. It's like, it's my fault. When people are like, it's not your fault, these men should never have been with a girl that age. I'm like, you don't understand what I was like when I was fucking 16. I was like 45.

• 13:04Speaker 01

  So they didn't have a chance.

• 13:06Theo Von?

  Like young menopause. That's kinda crazy. That's hilarious. Um, do you, what was like a first date that you remember? Do you remember going on like a first date with somebody?

• 13:13Speaker 01

  I remember going to Martha's Vineyard. I was, my parents had a summer house in Martha's Vineyard. That makes it sound like we were really wealthy. We weren't.

• 13:20Theo Von?

  I heard you say that on your special.

• 13:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, my dad just was a used car dealer. So I'm not even sure, you know, how we got that house, but he got it. And, and he, my sister and I went, oh, there was this guy. His name was, uh, Justin Chu, I believe.

• 13:34Theo Von?

  A Japanese guy?

• 13:35Speaker 01

  No, no, American. He looked like Brad Pitt. That's what was so interesting about the whole thing. So he was at this hotel in Martha's Vineyard and I would go there. I was like, uh, probably 10, but passing as like 15, 16.

• 13:46Theo Von?

  Long 10, a tall 10.

• 13:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, 10, had boobs. Everything was coming together great. And I would go to this hotel pool and just like cruise, you know, for guys like at 10 years old. I was like, I gotta find a boyfriend, you know? And who are these other people that are on vacation? And this guy looked like Brad Pitt. He was so good looking. And I was, you know, flirting with him and, oh no, I, maybe I was, maybe I was 11, maybe I was 12. I don't know. I probably wasn't 10, but I was young, young, too young to be on a date probably. And I went on a date with him and a very, you know, like, uh, innocent date.

• 14:18Theo Von?

  Where'd y'all go? Do you remember? Did you just go for a walk?

• 14:20Speaker 01

  Just went out somewhere in Martha's Vineyard. Like there's a lot of kids hanging around at night. So I'm sure we were just like walking through Main Street or something.

• 14:27Theo Von?

  With the Kennedys or something?

• 14:28Speaker 01

  Something pretty, yeah, something pretty innocent. And then he kissed me when I came back. He kissed me and he put his tongue in my mouth. And I had never been more repulsed in my life. My sister picked me up, my older sister Simone picked me up at the Harborview Hotel. And I got in the car and I'm like, I'm a lesbian. I, I can't believe how disgusting that was. I can't believe some man just put his tongue in my mouth. And she's like, everyone thinks that the first time, like you're gonna like that at, when you're older, you're just too young. And I'm like, I'll never like that. And I'm a lesbian. And she's like, you're not gonna like what that entails either. Like if you didn't like a tongue in your mouth, you're certainly not gonna like a pussy in your mouth. So she wasn't wrong. Um, I do like men and I've continued to like them since that time, but, um, yeah, it was a, it wasn't a,

• 15:11Speaker 01

  yeah. And then after that, I was very fast. You know, like I started having boyfriends when I was 13, 14 years old. Having sex like when I was 14, 15 years old. And, uh, then I just went off the rails pretty much. My teenage years were like pregnant. Stuff like that.

• 15:27Theo Von?

  You got pregnant?

• 15:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:28Theo Von?

  Oh dang.

• 15:29Speaker 01

  A few times.

• 15:30Theo Von?

  And oh wow, you did it more than once, that's all.

• 15:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:32Theo Von?

  Seems like a pretty, you know, a lot for like a younger person, but did they, and how do you, what do you do back then? If you're pregnant or?

• 15:41Speaker 01

  You get an abortion.

• 15:42Theo Von?

  You do, no way.

• 15:43Speaker 01

  When they were legal.

• 15:44Theo Von?

  Like Cider House rules style or what'd you do?

• 15:46Speaker 01

  No, no, my, my parents basically were like, come with us, you're getting an abortion.

• 15:50Theo Von?

  No.

• 15:50Speaker 01

  And I was like, what do you mean?

• 15:51Theo Von?

  What state do they do it in?

• 15:52Speaker 01

  I, any state, it was legal everywhere, like, you know, it was Massachusetts, so I got an abortion there. I think I got one in New Jersey too. I had a couple of abortions with the same boyfriend each time, it was the same guy. But my parents were horrified by my behavior. They were like, I was excited, the first time I got pregnant, I'm like, this is great. I, I'll have a baby, hopefully it will be twins, like I can raise a family. I had a black boyfriend, I was like Taishan, meanwhile, he ended up going to prison for 10 years for being a drug dealer, so.

• 16:20Theo Von?

  Did he do it?

• 16:21Speaker 01

  Uh, did he, was he a drug dealer?

• 16:22Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 16:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:23Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 16:23Speaker 01

  And, um, so I was just that kind of teenager, really out of control, really rebellious. My brother died when I was nine and then like after that period of time, I was just, I was rebellious, like mad, angry and no outlet, you know, and so I just did anything I could to piss my parents off.

• 16:44Theo Von?

  God.

• 16:44Speaker 01

  Especially my father, I had like a specific issue with him.

• 16:48Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 16:49Speaker 01

  So.

• 16:49Theo Von?

  Do you, you said earlier that maybe you felt like, like, do you feel like you turned into your father though a little bit sometimes? Do you ever think like that?

• 16:56Speaker 01

  No, I'm the opposite of my father.

• 16:57Theo Von?

  Oh, you are?

• 16:58Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, my father was dishonest, my father was a bit of a shyster, I'm very honest, I'm very truthful. I, I'm very generous with money, with anything I have, I want to help people. He was very selfish, he wouldn't give money away, he would try to cheat people for, for money. So he wasn't like a criminal.

• 17:18Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 17:18Speaker 01

  But he wasn't morally bound to like being a good guy, you know what I mean? He was just a little, but he was also, you know, he was a family man, he loved, we were never short on love. There was neglect, but it wasn't like I felt unloved, I just was very, um. Upset, A, that my brother died. My father fell apart after that. That was really upsetting. So it was like two men in a row that just like ditched me. And then after that, I just, I just was filled with anger and I didn't have any outlet. I didn't have any therapy. So I just became very rebellious, but my brothers and sisters and my mother always knew I would be okay. Like my mom's like just, my dad's name was Seymour and she's like Seymour, he'd be like, something's wrong with her.

• 18:02Speaker 01

  Something is wrong with her head. And my mom would be like, she's okay. She's just too smart for her own good. Like she's a little kid. She's trapped in this little kid body and she's like an adult. And my dad's like, but I don't, he couldn't relate, you know? And my mom would be like, she's gonna be fine. Like, you know, she's gonna grow up and shake it out. And, uh, and then once I started becoming successful and really turned my, like, you know, that period was just my teenage years. And then I got my shit together. As soon as I left my family, I drove across country when I was 19. And, um, uh, and I-

• 18:36Theo Von?

  Alone or you took somebody with you?

• 18:38Speaker 01

  I took, this is, well, this is a great story in my, I, I picked up this guy. This is actually in my book, which I just found out is number one on the New York Times Bestseller List.

• 18:46Theo Von?

  Let's go. Congratulations. Seventh book. That's right.

• 18:48Speaker 01

  So that's exciting. So, I know, I can't, I didn't even go to college. So, but that just shows you, you know, what you can accomplish if you really fucking focus on something. So I went across country. My brother Glenn said, hey, I was driving across country. I was gonna move to LA to become famous.

• 19:04Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 19:04Speaker 01

  And I was like, okay, this is time. I had gone to two semesters at community college. I'm like, that's enough. This is not a good use of anyone's time. Like, this is a waste of money. I don't care about this. I'm going to, I wanna go to California. So my brother Glenn called me and said, I met a guy at a bar last night. And he's gonna drive with you across country since you're 19 and you're alone. And my dad had given me one of his used Audi Quattros.

• 19:31Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 19:32Speaker 01

  And he said, you shouldn't be driving alone, right? And I was like, okay, that's, that sounds reasonable. So I picked up this guy. He was like 26 or 27 years old. He was the same size I was. And he said, "Do you want to go to Harlem? I want to pick up a bunch of cocaine."

• 19:45Theo Von?

  Yeah, brother, let's fucking go, boy.

• 19:48Speaker 01

  And I was like, "Oh," I'm like, "Harlem sounds fun." Eh, like, I was never allowed to go to Harlem growing up, you know, and I'd go in the city, I'd go to like, clubs in the limelight. I never went to Harlem. That was supposed to be really dangerous. But of course I wanted to go to Harlem. So I was like, "Okay," I wasn't really into cocaine at the time. I've definitely dabbled in cocaine, but at that time in my life, I was too young. I didn't really... So I go to Harlem, I drop this guy off from outside some crack house, right? I'm sitting there, and this is my first night driving across country. Pit stop in Harlem. He comes out with a bag of cocaine that was, I, that I've only seen like in movies. Like the side, the, the amount of cocaine was like something you see, you saw in Scarface.

• 20:26Theo Von?

  Yeah, like a movie amount.

• 20:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. And I'm like, "Oh, my God," and then he just starts doing the cocaine while we're driving. And we're driving through Maryland, you know, there's three highways you can take across country. We were, I think, taking the 66. So that's the lowest, the most southerly route. So we're driving along, and this guy's doing lots of cocaine off of his keys, credit card. And he's driving? No, I'm driving, and he's in the passenger seat. And, you know, keep in mind, the amount of cocaine, I was like, "Oh, this doesn't seem right."

• 20:51Theo Von?

  And is he reaching over and touching on you?

• 20:52Speaker 01

  No, no, no, nothing like that, nothing like that. I actually suspected he was gay. He wasn't, he wasn't, it wasn't about that. We, he starts talking and doesn't stop talking. And I, and we're five hours into this three-day road trip, and I'm like, "This guy is a fucking mess." And then we're in Maryland, and we're driving through, I think, DC, and there was all this construction, and we get to Maryland. And I was like, "You know what? We're gonna go to like a Howard Johnson, let's get a room." I was broke, he was broke. I said, "Let's just get a room, we'll get a room with two beds." We get in the room, he's got maps, like multiple maps. It was, this was before navigation and all that shit, right? It was like the year before all of that came out.

• 21:33Theo Von?

  Yeah, when everybody was like, they were going to war or whatever, like even if you were in a vehicle.

• 21:37Speaker 01

  And he's, but, but more than one map, it's like, "How many maps do you need to follow one highway across the country?"

• 21:42Theo Von?

  Like this fucking eight-ball Magellan over here.

• 21:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, totally.

• 21:45Theo Von?

  Putting it all together.

• 21:46Speaker 01

  See, I said, see...

• 21:47Theo Von?

  How many maps? Yeah.

• 21:48Speaker 01

  I was like, "What's up with the maps?" And then I was like, and he was like, pointing out national parks that we could go to, he's like, "We could go here." And I was like, "Hey, listen, Miracle Ear, we're not fucking on vacation." "I'm trying to get to California to become a celebrity." "I don't have time for your fucking Yellowstone National Park. We're not going there." "Like, we're not retiring, this is not our, we're not a couple." And he didn't, it's like anything I said, he couldn't hear.

• 22:13Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 22:14Speaker 01

  Because he was so coked up.

• 22:15Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 22:16Speaker 01

  So I go to sleep, I wake up in the morning, this guy had been up all night long.

• 22:20Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 22:21Speaker 01

  He had been doing coke all night, he looked like Gary Busey. He was going on and on and I was like, okay, I said, hold on a second. His bag was still in the car because he didn't even bring it in beside, because he wasn't going to sleep. I said, hold on, I'll be right back. I went to the parking lot, I took his suitcase out of my car, put it down in the parking lot and got in the car and drove away and drove across country by myself and left him in Maryland. And the next thing I heard was that he had to take a taxi from Maryland to New Jersey for five hours. And, um, and then of course I called my brother to thank him for his great judgment. And for being such an overprotective brother.

• 22:59Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah, to set somebody up with somebody like that, that's all geeked out, dude, I would have been fucking eating my own teeth, man.

• 23:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, so it's really annoying to be around someone who's on cocaine when you're not on cocaine.

• 23:10Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 23:10Speaker 01

  And then in Amarillo, Texas, I got pulled over by a state trooper who had a German shepherd with him, one of those drug dogs. And the dog went absolutely batshit as soon as he came close to my trunk. So the dog was jumping around, fucking going crazy. And I'm like, oh my God, I've got residue. I've got coke in this car, but I'm sure I'm gonna go to fucking Texas state prison because of this wombat that I just dropped off in Maryland. So luckily I didn't get arrested, they didn't find any cocaine, but it was very suspicious. Like I'm sitting there on the freeway and trucks are whizzing past me and I'm like, and the cop's like, stand 20 feet away from the car. And he's got one of those big state trooper hats on. So that was, that was a big shit show, but it was, it was a great example of knowing to get rid of dead weight.

• 23:54Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? Like, I was like, I'm going to California, you are not gonna bring me down. Get out of my car and get out of my life.

• 24:01Theo Von?

  Yeah. Dang. Yeah, I had one night in New York years ago, I was do, a, a, a drive, I was a taxi driver. He gets some coke, I end up driving the taxi, we're, I was so high. This was years ago.

• 24:14Speaker 01

  He was, you were a taxi driver?

• 24:16Theo Von?

  He was, he picked me up.

• 24:18Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 24:18Theo Von?

  We both started doing cocaine together.

• 24:20Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 24:22Theo Von?

  I saw Andy Cohen in the bathroom in the morning. I was going on, uh, Opie and it wasn't Opie, Opie and Jim, Opie and Jim Norton the next morning. And I get in there, I was out of my brain. I get in, I stayed up all night. Um, God, and I get in there and the other guest on the show that day was Daryl Strawberry, who was sober. He'd gone through cocaine.

• 24:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:46Theo Von?

  And he, and I could barely even talk. And I remember I was in the bathroom there peeing. There I am right there on the right, just geeked out of my head.

• 24:53Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You look so different. First of all, Daryl Strawberry, that was 1986 Mets. All those guys were on fucking coke. All of them. Lenny Dykstra, Daryl Strawberry, Mookie Wilson, all of those guys.

• 25:07Theo Von?

  God, I was definitely, I was spooky Wilson.

• 25:10Speaker 01

  That is really funny.

• 25:12Theo Von?

  I was playing third base from my own brain right there. I wasn't doing real good.

• 25:15Speaker 01

  I can't believe that athletes would do cocaine and then be athletic. Like, talk about a recipe for a fucking heart attack.

• 25:22Theo Von?

  And they used to do it all the time, it seemed like.

• 25:24Speaker 01

  How do you run for balls when you're on cocaine? Like, that's...

• 25:27Theo Von?

  I think if you practiced doing it some, I think you would get good at it, probably. I think it's the...

• 25:33Speaker 01

  Get good at it?

• 25:34Theo Von?

  It's the sporadicness of not practicing and then just doing it willy nilly, like some guy who's playing for like his like refrigeration volley, you know, softball team or something. That's when it's bad.

• 25:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, maybe.

• 25:47Theo Von?

  I'm high as a Georgia pine. Oh, yeah, that was that, there was that one guy that did LSD.

• 25:51Speaker 01

  That, that would be good for sports. I love LSD.

• 25:54Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 25:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love microdosing LSD to put some fucking pep in your step. Like, if you're really, really struggling and you're having like, your schedule's crazy and insane, LSD is the thing. I take LSD all the time.

• 26:07Theo Von?

  Really?

• 26:07Speaker 01

  I love it. A microdose.

• 26:09Theo Von?

  What, is there a type of, like, so how much is a microdose of LSD?

• 26:12Speaker 01

  I have a sheet of like 370 hits. I get all my drugs in Canada. I have a house in Whistler and drugs are legal there. And they're, it's like, you don't have to worry about any fucked up shit in Canada. My friends who make that... Like who put, who gave, I get that, our doctors, one's a therapist, one's a neurobiologist. They actually get the cleanest stuff. Like they get MDMA and they'll put it in capsules and you'll get a microdose of like 50 milligrams of MDMA. Which is awesome because that's like just being in a good mood. You know what I mean? You're not over the top.

• 26:40Theo Von?

  Right. You're not licking people's stuff. You're shaking hands and being normal.

• 26:43Speaker 01

  And you're like, this is a great time. I feel like dancing. I like you, you know? LSD, same thing, just an upper, like a pick me up, you know? Um, you're not hallucinating, but you're just like up, like a kind of like a psilocybin, like microdose. So I find that stuff to be very helpful and aiding with my schedule. You know, like I do a lot of talking. I'm sure you feel the same way. It's pretty much, a ton of travel, a ton of talking and a ton of kind of expending energy. You know what I mean? And absorbing other people's energy.

• 27:12Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 27:12Speaker 01

  So I want to be in a fucking high vibe mood.

• 27:15Theo Von?

  Yeah. You don't realize how much it is. You don't realize like I would do meeting greets after shows for like years. Just go out there for, just and just do them. And it just like, I had like a breakdown a couple of years ago. I just was completely burnt and I just kept doing it. I thought I wasn't working hard enough. That was my own take of it. I was like, oh, you're just not working hard enough. But I didn't realize I just burned myself to like the end of the bowl, you know?

• 27:35Speaker 01

  Oh, absolutely. Yeah, those meeting greets will get you.

• 27:38Theo Von?

  Did you ever have a time where you got pretty burnt out? I mean, you've had a pretty, I mean, you've had an insane schedule for probably 25 years, except for when you've taken breaks.

• 27:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, I took a six year break after Chelsea Lately and after, like I didn't do stand up for six years. That was, that was the biggest break I've taken, but I was, I, I just went so hard, you know, at both ends. I was touring, I was doing my show, I was writing books, just constantly. And I loved the idea that I had this amount of energy. I loved when people were like, how the fuck does she fly in? Monday morning, tape four shows and then go do five shows in a weekend. And I loved that adulation. Like I, I got addicted to like the fact that I was that strong of a horse. You know what I mean?

• 28:18Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 28:19Speaker 01

  And then I went, as I left Chelsea Lately, I was like, I was so over just working. But then I got roped in, not roped in, Netflix made me a really amazing offer. I thought I was going to take a break.

• 28:29Theo Von?

  You did a ton of episodes of that too.

• 28:31Speaker 01

  I did. Yeah. First I did documentaries. I did a documentary series. So that was kind of a break because that was a lighter schedule. And then I went into that show and then that show never really, like I went back to work before I was ready to go back to work. So that show never really felt like I was in my right, you know, zone, like in my flow state. So that show was like an example of.

• 28:53Speaker 01

  Don't just fucking work because someone's offering you the job. You know what I mean? You gotta have your ducks in a row and understand when you need time off, when you don't. And without the time off, there is no creativity. I need the time off to be able to like, have something to fucking say.

• 29:06Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 29:06Speaker 01

  So now, since I've been back to stand up after that six-year break, uh, this'll be my probably fourth, third special in like four years. And so I'm into it now. I'm back into it because I do have something to say now, you know? Um, but it's important, like, when you are creative and you are like, sharing for a living, like talking, you know, you, sometimes you're out of fucking gas. And the breaks are as important as the work.

• 29:30Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's, it's, that's been a tough thing to learn. Because especially when you're so self-motivated and you've done a lot, you like, have always been like, "I can do this, I'll figure it out, I'll find a way." It's really hard to, um, start to use the breaks, you know? And use them to your own advantage.

• 29:45Speaker 01

  Also, you're so, you wanna grab everything when you can grab it, you know? It's like, "Oh, wait, I got this offer, I can't say no to this, this is a, I'm gonna be even more successful, I'm gonna da-da-da." And there's an addiction component to that, and you're like, "Well, wait a second, you can say no to things, things come back around." You have to like, it takes a while to get to know what you're capable of and what you're not, and what's gonna like, deplete your energy, because, you know, when you're pissed and you're burnt out, what, there's, you're no good, you know, to anybody, especially yourself. So it's, it's hard when we're in this business, because it's like, you can feel like feast or famine, you can be like, "Oh my God, I'm getting all these opportunities." And I've certainly had times in my life where I wasn't getting a lot of opportunities, and I'm like, "Well, fuck, why aren't I doing that?" And it's like, "Well, because your attitude sucks."

• 30:29Speaker 01

  You know, because you didn't take good care of yourself, and now you're pissed, and now you're bitter. You gotta get back to being happy and magnetic and like, attracting good stuff. And then you get good stuff. So it really is about, uh, like, adjusting your attitude, being grateful. You have to be fucking grateful. As corny as that can seem to certain people, you have to be grateful at the opportunities that are coming your way. And you also have to be a fucking pro. Like, you know, like, "You're not gonna knock me down, I'm a pro." Like, "You can't get to me now." Uh, because of so many years of knowing myself and understanding what my limits are and where I'm going to excel and where I'm gonna like, you know, not excel.

• 31:05Theo Von?

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• 31:46Theo Von?

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• 32:25Theo Von?

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• 33:09Theo Von?

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• 33:52Theo Von?

  That's T R Y A R M R A dot com slash T H E O. I like to put mine into my smoothie. I just put it right in there and bam, I'm armored up. Tryarmra.com/ Theo. Um, was there, you've had a good experience with drugs over the years, you know? I mean, you've talked about drinking over the years. You talked about using LSD a little bit ago. Did you ever have a time where you went sober? You tried it like, did you ever try recovery meetings? You ever tried that kind of stuff or no?

• 34:26Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no, no. I've been, you know.

• 34:28Theo Von?

  Have you ever been interventioned or whatever?

• 34:30Speaker 01

  No, Jane Fonda, this is a story I write about in my book, which is Jane Fonda once called me over to her house and I had been to her birthday party and I was out of my mind. I don't remember what drugs I was on. It could have been anything and I was rude. I was dark. I was like, you know, insulting people and she had given me the cold shoulder for a couple of months. And um, she summoned me to my house, her house, basically said, I want to have dinner with you. And I was like, it's like, what's this? This seems a little stern, this email, but it's Jane Fonda, who I respect. And I was like, okay. And I went to her house and she basically read me and was like, you were terrible at my party. You offended people.

• 35:10Speaker 01

  People were like not happy about what you said to them and you were dark and moody. And why would you ever come out when you were in that kind of headspace? And I was like, like I was like, fuck, shit, fuck, shit. And mortified, mortified.

• 35:30Speaker 01

  But at the same time, I was also so grateful that she fucking took the time to be honest with me, to have a difficult, most people don't go out of their way to have a difficult conversation with someone and tell them the truth. Like, to me, that was an example of sisterhood, you know? Like, that was her being a sister. And when I was writing my book, it was, it was like, one of the, one of the tentpoles of my book is like, I want all women to be fucking sisters to each other, you know? It's like, this book is for girls and daughters and girlfriends and mothers, you know? Like, to remind each other, like, you gotta tell people the truth, you know? You've gotta be honest with people. If someone's going through a bad time and they're close to you and they're important to you, and even for me as a woman, it doesn't matter if they're close to me.

• 36:14Speaker 01

  It matters that I'm a woman, you're a woman, I've got your back, I'm gonna tell you the truth. And I would do that for a stranger. So, for her to do that and to kind of like modeled that to me, that, that, that conversation, and I, I was like, that's, that's the kind of woman I'm gonna be. Like, I'm gonna tell people the truth, you know? So I value that. Obviously, now we're many years beyond that and she and I are still friends. And she knows about the book because she had to sign off on it. Uh, but yeah, like, I liked it. And I'm glad I had enough wherewithal when she was telling me about my bad behavior, that I wasn't defensive. I wasn't like, whoa, whoa, whoa, it was this person or blame.

• 36:56Speaker 01

  I just took it on and said, you're absolutely right, I'm so sorry. You'll never have to speak to me again. So that was the closest thing to an intervention. But I've definitely overused drugs and alcohol at certain times in my life. But once I got the message, I dialed it back, you know? You gotta some, I don't ever wanna have to give anything up. So if there's ever an issue, I reel it in. You know, if there's ever been an issue, I always am like, okay, take a month off of this, get, get, get grounded again. And, you know, don't smoke cigarettes, don't smoke pot, don't drink, whatever it is that I'm having an issue with.

• 37:31Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 37:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:34Theo Von?

  Did you, what was the first concert that you ever went to? Do you remember going to that?

• 37:38Speaker 01

  Jon Bon Jovi, I'm from New Jersey.

• 37:40Theo Von?

  God dude, my first song I ever heard, a lady took me to YMCA summer camp, right? I don't remember if she had breasts or not, but I think she did, right? And I remember-

• 37:51Speaker 01

  I bet she did have breasts.

• 37:52Theo Von?

  I bet she did.

• 37:52Speaker 01

  So she sounds like she had breasts.

• 37:54Theo Von?

  Yeah, I bet she did. And I'll say this, we got in the car and I'd never had a woman drive me somewhere before. So it was my first time, like, I think I remember it so deeply because it was like my first time going somewhere with a girl that wasn't my mom, right? And-

• 38:08Speaker 01

  What do you mean you've never had a girl drive you? What are you, from North Korea? What are you talking-

• 38:11Theo Von?

  No, I just mean-

• 38:12Speaker 01

  You had never been driven by a-

• 38:13Theo Von?

  I was a child, I do, no woman, yeah, we didn't know, my mom didn't have any, like, we didn't-

• 38:18Speaker 01

  How old were you?

• 38:19Theo Von?

  I was probably nine or something, or maybe 11. It wasn't like last week or anything. Yeah, I was like nine or 11. And she leaned over and she put my seatbelt on me and I was like, oh, this is crazy dude. And it was like, I think, you know, I think when you're a kid like that and she played, um, Johnny used to work on the docks.

• 38:40Speaker 01

  Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 38:42Theo Von?

  And I just was like, play it again, play it again. Oh, yeah, anyway, I just, yeah. I'd never been to Bon Jovi, but I just remember-

• 38:48Speaker 01

  Jon Bon Jovi inducted me into the Jersey Hall of Fame.

• 38:51Theo Von?

  No fucking way, dude. Who has better hair, you think, right now? Pull him up.

• 38:55Speaker 01

  You or Jon Bon Jovi?

• 38:56Theo Von?

  You or JBJ?

• 38:57Speaker 01

  Oh, well, his hair is different now.

• 39:00Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah, his hair is different now.

• 39:01Speaker 01

  But his face when he was younger, I mean, he's still pretty hot. But his face when he was younger was just fucking so hot. Look at him. Look how hot he is.

• 39:09Theo Von?

  Did you try to make a move on him or no?

• 39:11Speaker 01

  Um, when, when I went to his concert? I mean, I was like 16 years- Oh, no, it was like a video message. It wasn't like we were together. It was during COVID.

• 39:20Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 39:21Speaker 01

  So, no, I've met him though. I've hung out with him. He's a nice guy. He's happily married. I try not to hit on married men, you know?

• 39:26Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 39:27Speaker 01

  Just out of respect. For marriage.

• 39:31Theo Von?

  I think that's important.

• 39:34Theo Von?

  What is, um, are you still dating a lot of brothers? I see you brought a brother here today.

• 39:38Speaker 01

  My black, this is my black lover. Um, am I still, no, I haven't, I haven't had a brother boyfriend.

• 39:43Theo Von?

  You know?

• 39:44Speaker 01

  Well, yeah.

• 39:44Theo Von?

  Is that offensive to ask you to? I'm sorry.

• 39:46Speaker 01

  No, it's not offensive. I mean, I do. I like all men. It doesn't matter if they're black or brown or white or gray. I like old men. I like young men. I like black guys. I've never dated an Indian guy. That's pretty much the only thing area I haven't delved into.

• 39:59Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 40:00Speaker 01

  But Asian, Joe Coy was Asian.

• 40:02Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 40:02Speaker 01

  I, I think Joe Coy, you called Joe Coy once.

• 40:05Theo Von?

  Yes, and you gave me some advice, actually.

• 40:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. We were trying to figure out your poster for your Netflix special. And Joe Coy and I were in New York City, I think, and you called him.

• 40:14Theo Von?

  Thank you.

• 40:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:15Theo Von?

  You know what? I forgot about that. I thought, I'd remembered it before, but I forgot about it recently, but thank you for that. Yeah. I said, which one? And you said, this is the one because you want people to notice it and think about it. And you were, that, that's the one I ended up choosing.

• 40:27Speaker 01

  Oh, great. I love that.

• 40:28Theo Von?

  But I, that's, and that's probably the same thing I was kind of thinking, but I just wasn't sure. So, thank you.

• 40:33Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 40:33Theo Von?

  That was nice of you.

• 40:34Speaker 01

  Are you good friends with Joe Coy?

• 40:35Theo Von?

  We're good buddies, I think. We're not like super close. We don't talk all the time. But, um, he has, he's just always.

• 40:41Speaker 01

  Supportive.

• 40:42Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 40:43Speaker 01

  Yeah. He's a real supportive guy.

• 40:45Theo Von?

  He's so full of supportive. And Filipinos are like that. I'm not trying to generalize Filipinos. But first of all, Filipinos are some of the last people that most people see when they're dying, right? Because they are hospice. They work in hospice.

• 40:56Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 40:56Theo Von?

  So, a lot of times, the last person you'll see when you die is a Filipino.

• 41:00Speaker 01

  Mmm.

• 41:01Theo Von?

  So, it's crazy. You'll have, like, some people might be racist, but then they're just, just gleaming into the eyes of a warm Filipino as they cross over.

• 41:08Speaker 01

  Filipinos are very good at caretaking.

• 41:10Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 41:11Speaker 01

  And our hospitals are filled with them.

• 41:12Theo Von?

  Thank God.

• 41:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. But Joe Coy typically isn't the last person you see when you die.

• 41:17Theo Von?

  No, no, that's fine.

• 41:19Speaker 01

  I don't want people to think that it's only Joe Coy. There are other Filipinos out there that you will run into.

• 41:24Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 41:24Speaker 01

  Unless he starts working in a hospital.

• 41:26Theo Von?

  Which he could, though. He stays busy. A lot of Filipinos too have good names like Sunny or Grace, you know?

• 41:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 41:35Theo Von?

  They even get like a very happy American like branch of their name.

• 41:38Speaker 01

  That's true, right?

• 41:39Theo Von?

  Yeah. I would love to be Filipino. I've said this before. I think if God is willing to let me do it again or whatever, I would like to do Filipino.

• 41:45Speaker 01

  Really?

• 41:46Theo Von?

  Yeah, I do Filipino or Mexican.

• 41:48Speaker 01

  What about, do you like, what is it about the food? Is it about the culture?

• 41:51Theo Von?

  Just the joy.

• 41:52Speaker 01

  Joy.

• 41:52Theo Von?

  I think the sheer just living, just like looking at a living fucking Easter every time you see a Filipino. They're just, they're just like, it's just like, they're just seem so good on the inside. And then Mexican, I just think I'm ready for it. And then after-

• 42:10Speaker 01

  I could see you being Mexican.

• 42:11Theo Von?

  Thank you.

• 42:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're welcome.

• 42:12Theo Von?

  Yeah. And then after that, I would go black. I would probably go black after. I'm gonna let it kind of pan out a little more. And then I would get over there and do that for sure. If they would have me. I think you almost have to like apply like-

• 42:22Speaker 01

  To be a Filipino or Mexican?

• 42:23Theo Von?

  To be black. They don't want everybody.

• 42:25Speaker 01

  Oh, no, no, no.

• 42:25Theo Von?

  Cat Williams is like, let's, we're a little bit particular about, you know, not particular, but don't just come over here without kind of talking us about it first.

• 42:34Speaker 01

  No, I hear that. Yeah, I hear that. Did you hear them talking about black men? Is that why you're up?

• 42:39Theo Von?

  That's-

• 42:40Speaker 01

  Is that why you're up?

• 42:41Theo Von?

  That's kind of what he employed.

• 42:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:43Theo Von?

  After having dated black men, what suggestions would you offer to a white man? Is there any way to like correlate any of that?

• 42:52Speaker 01

  Um, black men in general, and this is a generalization, seem to appreciate women like me more than white men. Um, there seems to be a disconnect between strong, powerful white men and strong, powerful white women. There feels like I'm a lot, I'm a lot of woman. I say what I want to say. I do what I want to do. And that for some reason threatens a lot of men. There's a certain type of men that don't like that. They think I'm too loud or I'm too brass or, but I'm just acting like a man. You know, I'm not acting like anything. I'm acting like myself and it's- Similar to what a man would do and which would be fine. And there's something about black men that like that. They think that's cute.

• 43:36Speaker 01

  And they're turned on by my outrageousness or the fact that I don't give a fuck or that I want, you know, that I'll say the thing. And so I like that. So there doesn't feel like such an imbalance. There's definitely like a cultural thing where black men, it kind of, it feels like they appreciate that kind of thing more. And so that's attractive, you know?

• 43:54Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 43:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, as a woman, you want to be desired and you want, want men who want to have sex with you and are like turned on by your strength, not emasculated by your strength.

• 44:04Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 44:05Speaker 01

  You know, like my, my strengths shouldn't make you feel weak. It should make you feel strong.

• 44:12Theo Von?

  Right.

• 44:12Speaker 01

  That's how I think. Like I want men to feel strong around me, not weak.

• 44:17Theo Von?

  Right.

• 44:17Speaker 01

  Right?

• 44:18Theo Von?

  Like, look at my strong woman here.

• 44:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, look, I'm, look how strong, I have a strong woman. That means I'm a strong man, that I'm confident, that I have my ego in check. But there's a lot of men that think they want a woman like that is outspoken and sure of herself and successful. But then when it comes down to it, they have a lot of hard, they have a hard time with it. Because I think in my experience with men, when they realize that you don't need really anything from, like, I don't need your money. I don't need your gifts. I don't want gifts. I don't want jewelry. I'm not like that. I'm not interested in that stuff.

• 44:52Theo Von?

  Yeah, I don't want to pretend I like something you got me.

• 44:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm not interested in like that, that kind of showiness. I don't need, I don't really need anything, except I want a decent, honest, good man who's not, doesn't have a huge ego, that can deal with the fact that I'm going to be in the public eye and that I'm going to get attention. Like, I want someone who can deal with that. So, uh, a lot of men think that they're down for that. And then when it comes down to it, they're not down.

• 45:19Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 45:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:20Theo Von?

  Dang. Yeah, that seems like a lot, but.

• 45:23Speaker 01

  Do you have a girlfriend?

• 45:24Theo Von?

  I don't have a girlfriend right now. I would like to get married. You know, next couple of years, I gotta get fucking married because.

• 45:30Speaker 01

  Really?

• 45:30Theo Von?

  Yeah, it just gets weird, I think.

• 45:35Theo Von?

  Gets a little weird.

• 45:36Speaker 01

  As a comic or as a man?

• 45:38Theo Von?

  Just, I think as, when people are like, what are you still doing? What do you do? Are you?

• 45:41Speaker 01

  How old are you?

• 45:42Theo Von?

  I'm 44. So it gets weird for a couple of reasons. For one, it gets weird that, well, you have neat things that have happened in your life, even if it's just like a nice day or something. And then at the end of the day, it's just you again, right? Which is okay. But sometimes you, it's like, oh, well, this would be cool if I had somebody to-

• 45:57Speaker 01

  Share it with.

• 45:58Theo Von?

  To share it with, right? Um, so that's one thing that I start to notice. Um, the second thing is, is yeah, it's like, do I want to have children? Why? And then if I do, why do I want to have children?

• 46:10Speaker 01

  Why do you want to have children?

• 46:11Theo Von?

  That's the best question is, yeah, why do I want to? I think I fear sometimes like maybe I would be missing out on some, like another, almost like a, not a drug trip in a way, but another like-

• 46:25Speaker 01

  Level.

• 46:25Theo Von?

  A bit of another level, maybe. But also like, I have a big imagination and I got a couple of fucking levels going on here. I mean, I'm, I have today, I feel like, you know, there's times I feel like a kid and an adult at the same time. So it's like, you know, maybe I got enough of that and, and being an uncle is fine, you know? I don't know. But those are kind of some things that I think about it. Um, and then, yeah, if I could take care of, of, and help provide for kids in a, in a healthy way and give a, give kids a good life, then, do I owe that to society? Do I owe that to myself? Or do I owe that to them? You know? And that, that's stuff that I think about, I think.

• 46:58Speaker 01

  Hmm, interesting. Yeah, that reminds me of like, I had this conversation with someone the other night. Oh, uh, uh, yeah. Uh, this, I had this, uh, shoulder infection. So I had this-

• 47:10Theo Von?

  I'm gonna move this down just a inch.

• 47:11Speaker 01

  Yeah. I just had this pick line in my arm where I had to get these like 24 hour infu- every 24 hours I had to get an infusion in my arm. And I had this Filipino nurse, male nurse, who was coming to my house to give me these injections, right? And so I was in kind of a bad, bad shape for about-

• 47:26Theo Von?

  And Rocky or something like that? Some of that's Rocky is the man. But go on, sorry.

• 47:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, I don't know if his name was Rocky, but he said to, he said to me, um, and then on our last visit, he said, hey, I just want to let you know, you seem like a really joyful, energetic person. And I almost had a near death experience as well. I didn't even know that I had had a near death experience. I had an infection. I had to get surgery on my shoulder for this like staph infection or something that I had. And I didn't consider it a near-death experience, but he said, "I almost had a near-death experience too, and I was almost in a car accident." And I don't like when people say stuff like, "Almost in a car accident." Either you were or you weren't, and if you weren't, don't fucking bring it up. You know, like, almost is nothing. So, the guy was like, "Oh..."

• 48:11Theo Von?

  Like, when it's almost my birthday?

• 48:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 48:14Theo Von?

  If it isn't fine.

• 48:14Speaker 01

  Or your half-birthday. I honestly don't want to hear about that. So, he said these two cars were like coming close to each other, and they were like careening towards each other, and that they were gonna hit. And he, at the last minute, the cars just, by an act of God or providence, the cars split open, and they both moved in different directions. And he goes, "It didn't make any sense, and I was okay." And I'm like, "So again, you were not in a car accident?" But he said, "Because of that moment, I started to believe in divine intervention, and I found Jesus." And I'm looking at this guy, I'm in my bed, in my house, right? You know, I'm on, I've got a fucking arm, I'm a mess. And he said,

• 48:54Speaker 01

  "And I feel like I never experienced, there was a level of joy that I had never experienced before I found Jesus. And to me, it seems to me like you would appreciate that level of joy." And it took me a minute to realize I was being pitched, you know, in my house about religion, and then I had to tell him, like, "Oh, oh, oh, I just want you to know, I have already accepted that the level of joy associated with finding Jesus is something I will never experience." Like, I've already accepted that. That, I, my joyful is already tapped out. This is as high as I'm gonna go. I'm not gonna break the ceiling. So, but,

• 49:36Speaker 01

  that's in relation to you talking about children, and knowing that there might be a feeling you might not experience without having them, which is something I deal with all the time, because I don't have children, and people like to go at me for that. Like, "You're a woman, how could you do that?" It's like, "How could I do it? Because I don't think I'd be that good at it." But it's definitely something that I've learned to accept. Like, when you say that, I've also accepted, yes, I won't know that joy. There are other joys that I've experienced, but I will not know the joy of being a mother. So, I can relate to what you're saying about the thought of thinking about that joy.

• 50:09Theo Von?

  Yeah, and there's certain things that I like, and then it's like, yeah, like, a lot of my life is always about me. I think with comedians, you get like that, you know? That's why you end up in comedy, because you're kind of the boss and the employee, you know?

• 50:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're going onstage with a microphone alone, so no one else can talk except for you.

• 50:27Theo Von?

  And no one else is responsible for it except for you. It's like, I don't want, I want to be responsible for myself. I just, I never could, I, you know, I think it goes back to just that being in a place where it was like, what am I doing here? I don't even have an employee ID, there's no fucking hours on the wall, there's no wage union. I have to be here every day, this family doesn't even make any fucking sense. Who would put this together? Can I talk to the boss? There is no boss, who's the superior? But I had to, it was like, so I never wanted anything to have any like jurisdiction over me, except for me, right? But then sometimes for me, like, it starts to be like, well, how much of that is like old stuff that I had? And how much of, which has served me well, because it helps me be self-motivated and, um, but it's been hard for me to like work with others, and so that's been like a learning curve.

• 51:12Theo Von?

  But, yeah, at a certain point, does that kind of hinder me? Or has, have I gotten other neat joys out of the world? Like getting to experience like, um, you know, people coming out to a big show or something like that? And, and maybe those are the joys that I'll get instead of having a family, you know? Not in a bad way, but, and just trying to gauge, like, could I do it? Do I think I would do it well? And being honest with yourself.

• 51:32Speaker 01

  It's interesting to talk about not having a boss, because that's my whole career too. Like, I don't, I don't really appreciate being told what to do by anyone, you know? I'm also not interested in the feedback. It's like, if it's not working for you, that's fine, you don't have to pay attention to what I'm doing. It's working for me, like, I'm having a blast. So, but it's interesting when you say that, because it is true. When you, when you are in this business and you are a comedian, like, if I hadn't taken the path of becoming a stand-up comedian, everything starts to be created around you, rather than you being placed in a role, and you're a person in a cast. You become the epicenter of all the stories, you know? Whether it's your podcast, you're writing books, or you're doing stand-up, or any of these things. It's like you're a one-man show.

• 52:13Speaker 01

  And I think there's a lot of power in that, and it's nice to be able to also do the other thing and work with other people and play nicely. But it's much more attractive to be your own. Decision maker, you know, it's much more attractive to be, to be your own entity, I think.

• 52:30Theo Von?

  Well, comedy was something that was pure to me. There was a lot I think I didn't trust in the world. I didn't trust this. I didn't know about any of that. But if comedy, if you could fucking put an arrow through sometimes and get people to laugh, even people that didn't like you, if they were angry, people that fucking, they might have been your parents and fucking hated you, but if you could fucking snipe them with an arrow of you, just to get them, even in all their discomfort or whatever, to get them to fucking laugh. It felt like, oh, that's, that's the only thing that's, to me, it just felt so real, like, and nobody could cheat it. Nobody's dad could put them on stage and say, oh, I'm famous, my son is gonna be great, you know, it was like, there wasn't any nepotism in it. I don't know.

• 53:06Speaker 01

  No, I hear you.

• 53:07Theo Von?

  I don't know, I'm not trying to like, get in any Debbie Downer shit, but yeah, I don't know, that's kinda why I think I ended up in this place, but.

• 53:13Speaker 01

  But it also changes, like, you know, as your career grows and evolves and like, you're 44, you've been doing this for what, 20 years, more?

• 53:20Theo Von?

  Yeah, 20.

• 53:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, like, things change over time and then you start to realize, okay, there's another itch I wanna scratch, there's another thing I wanna do, like, and, you, excuse me, I, come here, Dougie. Come over here.

• 53:35Speaker 01

  Come here, honey.

• 53:36Theo Von?

  It's so funny, we have had two dogs in here today, both Chows. I used to live with a Chow in Arizona for a bit.

• 53:41Speaker 01

  It's so funny that, yeah, that they're, what color was that other Chow?

• 53:45Theo Von?

  Oh, and this was a Chinese guy, it was a roommate, or it was a guy who was already living in the room when I got there.

• 53:49Speaker 01

  No, the one that came today, what color was it?

• 53:50Theo Von?

  Oh, that one was brown, light brown.

• 53:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're a big black baby. They said, when I got this Chow, they're like, I called the Chow Rescue, one of my dogs was going downhill, so I was like, it's time to regroup. And, you know, buckle up so that when this dog dies, I have a new dog. And, oh, is that the dog that was here?

• 54:08Theo Von?

  Yup.

• 54:08Speaker 01

  Oh, that's a Chow mix, right?

• 54:10Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's a Chow main, I think it's called, or something.

• 54:12Speaker 01

  A Chow main. Oh, look at that little baby in the middle.

• 54:16Theo Von?

  That's a San Pika right there, dude. Fascinating guy. Kaya, that's that dog's name. It's its birthday today, too.

• 54:22Speaker 01

  Happy birthday to that dog, then.

• 54:25Speaker 01

  I don't remember what we were talking about.

• 54:27Theo Von?

  That's okay.

• 54:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:28Theo Von?

  Um, do you think, oh, this one more question I had about like how comedians feel and stuff. Do you think like it's hard for comedians to be like, like accept, like I have a tough time sometimes accepting compliments from people. Did you ever feel like that?

• 54:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, totally.

• 54:44Theo Von?

  Do you have any insight like on what that kind of is or have you?

• 54:48Speaker 01

  I think comedians are really insecure by nature. You know what I mean? Why else would we have to get on stage with microphones, you know, alone? Like, what's that about? Most people who are secure don't feel the need. So I think we're insecure by nature and it's a, I think it's our job to kind of hone that insecurity into something more dynamic, right? Because that's how it begins. So I think when it's, it's, it's, when you're insecure like that, you're uncomfortable with any sort of adulation. You want it, but you don't necessarily want to hear it to your face. You like to read it. Like, I love to read a review of my book. I'd rather that than someone tell me how much it meant to them. Do you know what I mean? So I have that same thing. I get slightly uncomfortable when I get too much adulation in person.

• 55:30Speaker 01

  It's like, okay, when is this gonna end? Like, thank you so much. And I want to be sincere and present, but I also sometimes check out. But it doesn't make any sense because that's what we're all here for is adulation. We all want the attention. So I think I just, now I have this thing where like, it's not about you. It's about listening to that person. It's about giving time to the person whose life that you impacted, who has something nice to say to you, because think about how hard it is for that person to come. Like, I would never come up to a celebrity and be like, I saw you in, you know, um, whatever movie and you changed my life. Like, I wouldn't even bother that person. So when you think about what it takes for someone to say those things to you, when they're not creepy and they're not weird and they're not like, you know, threatening in any way.

• 56:12Theo Von?

  And they're not wet too. People are wet, that scares you.

• 56:16Speaker 01

  You want to give them the time.

• 56:18Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 56:18Speaker 01

  And so I think about it that way so that I'm a little bit more gracious than, you know.

• 56:23Theo Von?

  Yeah, then just being still stuck in yourself, even if you're getting adulation is still about, well, how do I feel about adulation? It's almost like an ego trap in a weird way, kind of like, because even though I'm getting it, like, it's like, it's nice to get adulation from somebody or somebody saying thank you or something. And then I'm wondering, oh, well, it makes me feel like, at that point, who gives a fuck really how it makes you feel, kind of like, yeah, you can

• 56:42Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 56:43Theo Von?

  Have your boundaries and stuff.

• 56:44Speaker 01

  Right.

• 56:44Theo Von?

  But imagine, yeah, if you, somebody must really care if they went over to say something or they wanted to share that.

• 56:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, and it's really not, yeah, you have to, like, I, I feel like there's a responsibility once you become a public person, you know, like, I love the stuff that Chapel Rowan is saying about, like, leave me alone, you don't have the right to touch me. It's all true, you don't, you don't have, I mean, and if it bothers you, it bothers you. I don't give a shit, you know, if people come up to me in a restaurant. I give a shit if people come up to me when I'm at, I, I give a shit if someone waves, if they're rude and they wave over, like, come over here, like, when I'm sitting out down to dinner with friends or family and some fucking jackass, it's like, hey, Chelsea, come over here, it's like, no, what, no, you

• 57:21Theo Von?

  Some Italian or something.

• 57:23Speaker 01

  I'm not fucking coming over to you, you, I don't even know you. But when people are really sweet about it, yeah, like, I do, I do feel a sense of responsibility. Also, to be, I want, I, I want people to feel good after they see me, you know what I mean? So, it's not so much a struggle, I, I totally get what you're saying, but I think it's not a struggle so much as a, let them say their piece and let them say something nice, they're gonna feel great after they say it, like, oh, wow, I did it, you know? So I try to just think about them.

• 57:52Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yeah, no, it's just a good, it's a good reminder, it's a good reminder of that. So, the feeling, you're special, it's like, I only watched like 32 minutes of it, but what is the feeling, kind of like, or do I have to wait to the end to get, to know what it is?

• 58:08Speaker 01

  Uh, well, if you didn't see what the feeling was, then you didn't see the whole.

• 58:10Theo Von?

  Oh, the feeling is about, I mean, a lot of the feeling is so that I've seen so far seems to be about. Feminine masturbation.

• 58:16Speaker 01

  Well, feminine masturbation.

• 58:18Theo Von?

  Or feminine. You know.

• 58:20Speaker 01

  Is that a new word, feminine?

• 58:21Theo Von?

  I don't know.

• 58:22Speaker 01

  It's about childhood masturbation when.

• 58:24Theo Von?

  Okay, sorry.

• 58:25Speaker 01

  We used to call it the feeling when we would rub.

• 58:27Theo Von?

  We're gonna get on a list.

• 58:28Speaker 01

  We would rub up against like swing set poles and.

• 58:31Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 58:31Speaker 01

  Corners of walls. We would use furniture, ladles. We were really into masturbating, me and a group of my girlfriends when we were nine and discovered our Pikachus. So we would, and it wasn't like, it wasn't like adult masturbation. You're not actually touching anything directly. You're basically rubbing your hands over material. Like, the thicker the material, the better the traction. So it's like, you know, jeans.

• 58:53Theo Von?

  Burlap.

• 58:53Speaker 01

  A thick corduroy burlap would be a great option. A corner of a wall. You want something that is gonna give you the traction you need. And, and then, but how carried away I got as a child, once I found out about the feeling and about a fucking clitoris, how I went bonkers with it. And I was masturbating in school, getting the feeling, rubbing pencils. I mean, whatever I could get, rulers. I mean, I had anything I could, I would just, just overdo it.

• 59:21Theo Von?

  Just rub it against your body?

• 59:22Speaker 01

  The feeling.

• 59:23Theo Von?

  Can I say that? We're talking about.

• 59:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, you can say that. Of course, I'm the one talking about it.

• 59:27Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 59:27Speaker 01

  And, yeah, it was, um, so that's where the feeling comes from.

• 59:31Theo Von?

  Got it.

• 59:31Speaker 01

  Just basically childhood exploration.

• 59:34Theo Von?

  Oh, the part with the ladle took, I was like, what is happening here? Um, yeah, there's a lot of like, there's a lot of use of masturbation to get through time. Of moments, maybe? Like, when people masturbate like.

• 59:48Speaker 01

  Thanksgiving dinner, I was like, this is gonna suck. I'm fucking nine. No one is coming to me for my global opinions or world affairs. No one gives a shit about my. You know, like, I'm here with my family. They suck. I already established that they sucked. So I took a ladle and brought it to my Thanksgiving dinner, and then I got carried away. And the next thing I know, I was dripping sweating like a rapist at my family dinner, and my mom asking me to stop, and that that's something that I needed to do in the privacy of my own room. But up until that point, no one had called me out because I grew up at a time where no one was gonna say, "Hey, stop jerking off, you fucking pervert."

• 1:00:24Theo Von?

  Oh, people weren't saying that then?

• 1:00:25Speaker 01

  No, no one was saying it. So I thought no one even knew what I was doing.

• 1:00:28Theo Von?

  Oh, it's secretive.

• 1:00:29Speaker 01

  So that's why I'd be like, I'd see a book and I'd be like rubbing up against, you know, like, while I would be talking to my father, I'd put like my ass behind an ottoman and think I was disguising it.

• 1:00:38Theo Von?

  Are you there, pussy? It's me, Chelsea.

• 1:00:40Speaker 01

  Are you there, pussy? It's me, Chelsea. And my family was just basically totally aware, but also disgusted and horrified, so that they didn't even say anything until it became unmanageable.

• 1:00:51Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah. If you see a child rubbing up on something, if, well, I guess if you have six other children, who gives a fuck what the last one's doing most of the time?

• 1:00:57Speaker 01

  Probably, yeah.

• 1:00:58Theo Von?

  But, yeah, I think it's hard to approach them even, probably, you know? Maybe now you could text them and say, you know, calm it down.

• 1:01:05Speaker 01

  Get your hand out of your pants?

• 1:01:06Theo Von?

  Yeah, or calm it down.

• 1:01:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:01:07Theo Von?

  We're at a Pizza Hut.

• 1:01:08Speaker 01

  Yeah. I mean, my, I used to masturbate so much as a kid that my calves would be sore. Cause I would be face down on the carpet, rubbing my Pikachu over my denim jeans, and then my calves would kick out and would be flexing, you know? And so I would have, I would have, I mean, I had very, very strong calves growing up.

• 1:01:31Theo Von?

  Wow, dude, that's bonkers, man. Yeah, but jerking off was fun, wasn't it? And I love how in this special, you call it jerking off. I hadn't heard a woman refer to it as that before.

• 1:01:41Speaker 01

  Really?

• 1:01:41Theo Von?

  Yep. I'd never heard a woman say jerking off before.

• 1:01:44Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 1:01:45Theo Von?

  Yeah, it was just kind of...

• 1:01:46Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, we, yeah, I guess it was jerking off because you are climaxing technically. It is, you know, and it's the same thing as when you're an adult. You know, when you like climax as an adult, you're like, ugh, you're kind of grossed out, like, stop it. Get off of me, get away from me. And then like, you know, you give it like two, three minutes and you're ready to go again. You're like, oh, come back here, you know? Get me that wall.

• 1:02:06Theo Von?

  Damn. I'm not a go-getter. I'm a... I'm more of like, you know, a lot of people are up by the front lines with the machine guns or whatever. I'm the cannon that comes in in the back. It shoots once.

• 1:02:15Speaker 01

  And that's it?

• 1:02:15Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:16Speaker 01

  And then you're wrapped?

• 1:02:17Theo Von?

  And then it's like, uh, yeah, neat, neat, down for repair or whatever. Like, that's me.

• 1:02:21Speaker 01

  So two, so how long do, I mean, uh,

• 1:02:24Theo Von?

  I've had

• 1:02:25Speaker 01

  How long can you have sex for?

• 1:02:26Theo Von?

  Oh, I don't know about that.

• 1:02:28Speaker 01

  Five minutes, 10 minutes, one minute?

• 1:02:31Theo Von?

  Let me think about the first one. Uh.

• 1:02:37Speaker 01

  Well, the first, the first time, I mean,

• 1:02:39Theo Von?

  No, I mean, five minutes, I'm saying. Let me, yeah, just don't, yeah, don't put me.

• 1:02:43Speaker 01

  Listen, I don't think most people wanna have sex for longer than five or 10 minutes.

• 1:02:46Theo Von?

  If anybody's having sex for 14, who the fuck are you? You're some kind of like, uh, mega, you're some kind of like, uh, cyborg or like, who's fu- Like Italians or whoever's fucking for that long. It's like, that's crazy to me. I wanna get back to work.

• 1:03:01Speaker 01

  I, I, well, yeah. I like fooling around. I like men. I like lots of different men. But I also don't, um, wanna get fucked for like 45. Like, I had a girlfriend who said to me, "This guy fucked me for 45 minutes." And I went, "Bluh." Like, I don't wanna get fucked for 45 minutes. I really don't want that. And I don't know many-

• 1:03:20Theo Von?

  For the ladies in the back.

• 1:03:21Speaker 01

  I don't know any women that do, so I don't know what that's about. I mean, like, talk about your pussy, like, not being able to handle a situation. That's too much.

• 1:03:29Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's like the Daytona 500. It's like, how much, is that like the Goodyear pussy? It's, I just don't wanna, yeah, it's like, I just get, I kind of honestly-

• 1:03:39Speaker 01

  Get bored.

• 1:03:40Theo Von?

  I get bored.

• 1:03:40Speaker 01

  You almost said it, so I'm just gonna finish it for you.

• 1:03:43Theo Von?

  What does that mean? Is that bad, though?

• 1:03:44Speaker 01

  Means that you haven't had the right pussy yet, I don't think. But it doesn't mean that you're, you're gonna last longer. It's okay not to last. Five minutes is not a big deal. That's, that's fine.

• 1:03:53Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's a good, it's a great amount of time.

• 1:03:54Speaker 01

  Guys like to go again and again and again. Like, I would, someone stated a guy-

• 1:03:58Theo Von?

  Is that cool or that's crazy?

• 1:03:59Speaker 01

  Well, it's kinda nice to be able to get a, it's kinda nice as a woman to have a guy that's, cause that means they're just, you, you interpret that as, they're so attracted to you that they can just get it, get hard every five minutes.

• 1:04:10Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:11Speaker 01

  And while that can also seem like onerous, you're like, "Oh, I don't have the capacity." First of all, your vagina needs to retract after sex. Like, it has to recover.

• 1:04:19Theo Von?

  Really?

• 1:04:19Speaker 01

  Well, yeah. I mean, it's open and then it's closed, so it kind of has to, you know, there's a healing process.

• 1:04:24Theo Von?

  Yeah, good.

• 1:04:25Speaker 01

  Um, especially if you have a really big penis.

• 1:04:27Theo Von?

  Good. Okay.

• 1:04:28Speaker 01

  So that's for your listeners.

• 1:04:30Theo Von?

  Yeah, I think a lot of people are wondering, yeah, what's an appropriate amount of time? Cause you also it's like you hear these people like, let's fuck all night or whatever. And you're like, get, get, oh, do not even knock on my door if we're fucking all night. I don't want anybody at my house doing anything all night. I don't want anybody even being awake in my house all night.

• 1:04:47Speaker 01

  Yeah. And I mean, it's, it's, I've had sex with men that where it's a one nighter thing and you have sex a bunch of times in one night. And that's fun, but that's like a one night stand. That's not like what you're gonna do with your husband.

• 1:04:59Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:04:59Speaker 01

  Like unless you're taking ecstasy.

• 1:05:01Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:02Speaker 01

  And then you have sex and it never ends. And then you could, you could fall asleep during sex, wake back up and be like, is this still fucking happening? Like, are we still having sex? I mean, God, when is this gonna be over come already?

• 1:05:12Theo Von?

  That's a Catholic sleepover right there, I think they call it.

• 1:05:15Speaker 01

  But girls are always trying to make guys come before they're ready to come anyway.

• 1:05:19Theo Von?

  Oh, girls are trying to do that.

• 1:05:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, like most women are trying to get it over with because five minutes is plenty of time.

• 1:05:26Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's a good.

• 1:05:26Speaker 01

  So like a lot of guys, you know, you're like, oh, you know, you're, you're just saying things to make them come so that it's over.

• 1:05:33Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:33Speaker 01

  And you're, you're lying basically, you know, like you're so fucking hot. This feels so fucking good. I can't take it. Yeah.

• 1:05:39Theo Von?

  Come somewhere.

• 1:05:39Speaker 01

  Come all over my face. And then they, they try to come on your face. You're like, actually, I didn't mean that. Come on the fucking drapes, you know, like I wasn't serious about coming on my face. So.

• 1:05:47Theo Von?

  Come on this complaint.

• 1:05:48Speaker 01

  I was just telling you to come. So come.

• 1:05:52Theo Von?

  I was at a girl's place one time and she had a plant that guys would come on and it was, um, it was doing pretty well. I don't know if it was a pear. What, how small is a pear plant? Bring up a small one real quick. I'm trying. I think it was pear.

• 1:06:05Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:06:06Theo Von?

  But it's kinda cool.

• 1:06:07Speaker 01

  And so everyone would just fuck her and then come in the plant?

• 1:06:10Theo Von?

  Again, maybe once a year. I mean, people, a lot of people were doing it monthly or how often?

• 1:06:14Speaker 01

  Once a year? It only needed to get come once a year the plant?

• 1:06:17Theo Von?

  I, I mean, I have no clue what it's also like a supplement schedule was, but I do know that. Yeah, young pear. Oh, no, it's something smaller. It's an indoor, it's a house plant. But, so that's not it. I can't remember. But, yeah, it is fascinating the amount of time that there's a, I think there is some miscommunication there about how long people want it to go on.

• 1:06:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, there's a definite misfire. It's not fair to men to, because men, first of all, you don't have to have a huge penis. Nobody cares about that. I mean, you don't want like a Vienna sausage. That's disappointing and it sucks, but.

• 1:06:46Theo Von?

  Do they have those, really?

• 1:06:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've had sex with guys with little tiny penises. It's happened to me a couple of times, actually.

• 1:06:51Theo Von?

  And what do you do in that instance? Do you, it's almost like a delicacy or not a delicacy, it's like a?

• 1:06:55Speaker 01

  No, it's the opposite of a delicacy. You want it to be over and you want them to go away. I've had sex with somebody who, I didn't even know we were having sex and he came and I was like, oh my God, I can't believe how small your penis is. You know, obviously I wasn't gonna have sex with that person again, but men's penises don't need to be huge. They just need to be hard. That's great. When a guy gets hard and that's fun and it's a decent size, it doesn't have to be massive and it does, and, and it can be like, and it doesn't have to go on forever. So, yes, men who are listening, I'm sure there are all tons of men listening. So, I hope that assuages the male ego a little bit.

• 1:07:32Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's, that's exactly what we need to hear.

• 1:07:34Speaker 01

  This is coming from a woman who's had sex with lots of men.

• 1:07:37Theo Von?

  Yeah. Did you keep tabs on the amount of men that you've slept with, you think?

• 1:07:40Speaker 01

  I mean, I ran out of, you know, that, I don't have time for that anymore because that's a long list.

• 1:07:45Theo Von?

  Did you ever, did you ever do like a little gift basket or some celebrities, like if you make love to somebody, you give them a little gift or something?

• 1:07:51Speaker 01

  No, I don't. I mean, unless we're talking about STDs, I have never given a real gift to someone. No, I don't have. I don't, I haven't given a gift, no. I haven't, I haven't had sex with a lot of celebrities either. I mean, I know you're saying I'm the celebrity, but still, like, I also like regular guys, you know? It's, two celebrities together can be a little bit of a hot mess.

• 1:08:10Theo Von?

  Was it harder to date and stuff once you became, once you had fame in your life, popularity in your life?

• 1:08:14Speaker 01

  It's not hard, but men are definitely like, you know, a little bit scared, turned off.

• 1:08:22Speaker 01

  Intimidated, emasculated, that kind of vibe around me.

• 1:08:27Theo Von?

  Cause it's hard to practice with somebody that's, cause it's not, there's not as many people that are popular. So it's hard to prac-, it's like you don't get that world as much, you know?

• 1:08:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, I like, I've, I've been on lots of like situations, I've been in lots of situations with men that were not celebrities or that were, where we would be out or we'd be flirting for a while and then we'd go home and they couldn't perform. Like that's happened to me a lot, to the point where I was like, what is wrong with me?

• 1:08:50Theo Von?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:08:50Speaker 01

  And then you realize that's, happens to a lot of guys, like there's a lot of like performance anxiety. And I know that because I've dated men who've had that, you know? So it's like, that's a real thing. So like women also can't take that personally. It's not about that. But it is worth like being honest about it, like, sorry, you know, I barely know you or I'm a little, like this is our first time. Like it's good to kind of communicate that stuff so that everyone doesn't feel like weird.

• 1:09:14Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:15Speaker 01

  You know, cause then you have like an ick feeling.

• 1:09:17Theo Von?

  Right, then it's just this weird thing, nobody ever said anything, yeah. And these days, a lot of stuff's so common that it's like everybody's talked about everything now. So it's like, I think having certain conversations are a lot more the norm than, even than they were like 20 years ago. You know, I remember get, I couldn't get an erection at some girl's place and it was like 3:30 in the morning or something. And I told her I had to go to swim practice or whatever and it was early, swim practice was at like 5 or whatever. And she's like, for what team, whatever? I was like 28 and I was fucking, couldn't answer or whatever. Uh, yeah, you know, just a bad idea, I have to go to swim team or whatever.

• 1:09:48Speaker 01

  Oh, you told her that you had to go to swim team?

• 1:09:49Theo Von?

  I was like, go to swim team practice early, my coach gets pissed, like, what swim team are you on?

• 1:09:52Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, you didn't know because you weren't on one.

• 1:09:55Theo Von?

  Cause I wasn't in school or whatever, you know?

• 1:09:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:09:58Theo Von?

  So just sometimes you say shit like that, I gotta get home to let my dog out is a good.

• 1:10:01Speaker 01

  I once left a guy's house, once I felt his penis and realized it wasn't gonna work. I once told a guy that I had to get my Invisalign out of my car.

• 1:10:11Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:11Speaker 01

  That I wouldn't be able to, um, sleep without my Invisalign. And, you know, then I left and never came back. And so I've done things like that too, to get out of a bad situation.

• 1:10:20Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:21Speaker 01

  Or a situation that's not gonna be fruitful.

• 1:10:24Theo Von?

  Right, and not only just for you, but for them also. It's like, why create, why spend more time creating something that's just gonna be uncomfortable, you know?

• 1:10:29Speaker 01

  That's true, but I'm sure when you, you get left in the dust, like we all, I mean, everyone's experienced that at some point. It does not, it does not feel good.

• 1:10:38Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:39Speaker 01

  If someone comes, you take a chick back to your house and she leaves right as you get naked? That can't feel good. You know what I mean? I was on a date with this guy in London once and uh

• 1:10:50Theo Von?

  I like London, don't you?

• 1:10:52Speaker 01

  I love London, it's my favorite. And I was on this date with this guy in London and we had a great date. I would be, I had been talking to him like on Raya or one of those apps before I went out there. And he was hot and, and, and, and we went out to dinner, we had a great dinner. And I was like, oh, this is going great. I'm like, do you want some, you know, mushrooms? And he had talked about mushrooms. So like, I thought we were both into it. And he's like, yeah, I would love some. And we get back to my house and he, I would get back to my hotel. And he's just dripping sweating like, and I'm like, are you? And he just looked like he was about to throw up. And he's like, I think I'm gonna throw up. And I'm like, oh my God, are you? He's like, I'm fucking flying. And I was like, oh my God, I felt like Bill Cosby. You know, like I drugged this man. And I go, oh, oh my God. And then he, he had to take a walk outside. I go, yeah, go take a walk.

• 1:11:35Speaker 01

  And I'm texting, I go, go take a walk, you need a fresh air. I go, go take a walk. And he came back like 20 minutes later, he's like, I'm sorry, but I, I have to go home. Like I'm, I'm fucking hallucinating. And I'm sitting there on mushrooms too, but I'm fine. And I'm like, oh my God, I just drugged my date. Like, and, and I was telling my girlfriends the next day and they're like, why would you ever give mushrooms to someone after you fucking went out to dinner? Like, that is not exotic or erotic, like erotic or anything. It's like, that's a party drug to fucking laugh. Like, it's not seductive. And you fucking made the guy sick to his stomach? And I was like, yeah, no more drugs on first dates, you know, no more.

• 1:12:11Theo Von?

  Oh yeah, mushrooms are crazy dude. I remember taking them one time and some girl's like, let me see, she didn't even wanna make out or, she's like, let me see your weird dick or whatever. And I was like, cause I guess like she was really getting the swirls, you know, she's like, let me see your weird dick. And I was like, fucking alright, you know, but yeah, that, that can be kind of a, just a tough idea. And then yeah, it's just weird to touch somebody and hug somebody and then, yeah, like that can be, but it is fun to sit around and laugh or something on some mushroom. That's, that's a lot of fun.

• 1:12:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, mushrooms aren't a very sexual drug. So like you, that, you know, that was stupid.

• 1:12:43Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12:44Theo Von?

  But sometimes, sometimes having a, like enjoying time with somebody is fucking nice too. And not feeling the pressure like you gotta make, like you gotta have sex.

• 1:12:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, you gotta have sex, exactly. So that's the, that's the problem with that too. Especially on a night where you're, you know, yeah. It's better to do that with someone you've gotten to know a little bit, rather than like a first excursion.

• 1:13:01Theo Von?

  Yeah. Did you, um, I have one more question. Oh, did you ever meet Bill Cosby?

• 1:13:05Speaker 01

  I did meet Bill Cosby.

• 1:13:06Theo Von?

  Before he was, um, before he got-

• 1:13:08Speaker 01

  That's in the special, the part that you didn't see.

• 1:13:10Theo Von?

  Oh, it is? Is it really?

• 1:13:11Speaker 01

  It is, yes. And, um, I, yes.

• 1:13:14Theo Von?

  What was it like whenever you met him?

• 1:13:15Speaker 01

  It was disappointing.

• 1:13:17Theo Von?

  Really?

• 1:13:17Speaker 01

  But he, uh, yeah, he was, he was an asshole. He was an asshole because there was a guy opening for me. And we were in Atlantic City and he basically went off on the, first of all, I showed up to his hotel room. At three o'clock in the afternoon, the casino manager said, hey, Bill Cosby wants to meet you. Cause he was gonna rape me. And I didn't know that at the time. I didn't know about Bill Cosby. This was before all of that came out.

• 1:13:38Theo Von?

  Cause he would do afternoon rapes or whatever?

• 1:13:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, he would have women come up to his hotel room, give him Rohypnol and then fuck them. And they would be out of it. But I showed up with my security guard and my opener, who was a man, Chris Frangola. And he and I walked into the room and, and when Bill Cosby realized I had two guys with me, his mood just was like, fuck off. And he basically read the guy telling him he was never gonna amount to anything, opening for me as a comedian. Opening for a woman. And I'm like, hmm, this doesn't seem like he's in a good mood or like, we should take this shit. And then later I found out, you know, everything's broke and we found out Bill Cosby was drugging hundreds of women. He would come, summon them to his hotel room, give them like some barbiturate-

• 1:14:23Theo Von?

  The same pattern that, that happened with you?

• 1:14:25Speaker 01

  Rohypnol.

• 1:14:26Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 1:14:27Speaker 01

  But he never gave that to me. And my sister, after that happened, she was like, well, now we know why Bill Cosby was such an asshole that day. And I was like, little does Bill Cosby know that that roofie wouldn't have put a fucking dent in me.

• 1:14:40Speaker 01

  So-

• 1:14:40Theo Von?

  The unravable.

• 1:14:42Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 1:14:43Theo Von?

  Uh, what about Michael Jackson? I'm just trying to think, I ask everybody, but-

• 1:14:46Speaker 01

  I saw Macaulay Culkin the other night and I wish I could have heard what he was saying to me because he was thanking me for something. And I don't remember ever interacting with Macaulay Culkin. But he kept going on and on and saying, thank you so much, Chelsea, thank you so much. And it was so loud at the party. That I, I, I, I don't know what he said.

• 1:15:02Theo Von?

  Was it an Oscars party?

• 1:15:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was like Gyo series after party, but I was wondering if it had anything to do with Michael Jackson and I'm like, I wonder if I forgot that I did something about Michael Jackson. I probably did, I probably did a whole thing about Michael Jackson at some point, but I don't know. Was Michael Jackson raping kids or was he a kid wanting to hang out with other kids? It's very murky, like, I don't want to give him any credit, but it's like, he didn't seem like somebody was having sex with anybody. He seemed like somebody who was like stunted, you know what I mean? Like, a little kid.

• 1:15:30Theo Von?

  Oh, I don't think that was, I think that was definitely part of his psychology that he was just like, yeah, like a seven-year-old that was, grew up and got super famous and also had sexuality going on inside him at the same time. I don't know how all that comes out and maybe some of it was criminal, maybe some of it wasn't, I don't know. But no, I'm just curious as to who like, who gets to run across certain people like in celebrity circles and stuff, you know? But, I'm trying to think of anything else, is there anything else that you wanted to talk about specifically, Chelsea?

• 1:15:58Speaker 01

  I don't think so. I think we're good.

• 1:16:00Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:16:02Theo Von?

  I think we're good too.

• 1:16:03Speaker 01

  I think you could tell, oh, you know, I'll tell your male, male, male listeners to, if you want your daughter, oh, he loves you, look at that.

• 1:16:09Theo Von?

  Oh, that's nice of him.

• 1:16:11Speaker 01

  Um, if you want to get a good gift for your girlfriend's wives or daughters, get I'll Have What She's Having, that's my book, that's just debuted at number one. I'm happy about that. My special's called The Feeling, it's on Netflix. And, yeah, those are my two projects right now.

• 1:16:25Theo Von?

  Yeah, congratulations, and yeah, just thanks for coming and spending time with us today. Yeah, it's just, it's, you, you get it done, and it's impressive to witness, and it's, it's just, yeah, I feel lucky that you came and spent time with us today.

• 1:16:42Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 1:16:43Theo Von?

  Thank you very much, Chelsea.

• 1:16:44Speaker 01

  Thank you, thanks, Theo.

• 1:16:45Theo Von?

  You bet.