994 Secrets of Attraction, Dangers of Sex, and Keys to Finding THE ONE w/Stephan Speaks

"Society has brainwashed us to believe that love and identifying it takes time. That’s a lie."Lewis is joined by relationship expert Stephan Labossiere, aka Stephan Speaks, to break down everything you need to know about love in 2020, from chemistry to connection to compatability. Whether you're looking to save a struggling relationship, meet someone new, or go to the next level with your partner, this conversation is for you. Stephan's first interview: http://lewishowes.com/730The Power of Erotic Intelligence with Esther Perel: https://link.chtbl.com/732-podFind Lasting Love with Matthew Hussey: https://link.chtbl.com/811-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is episode number 994 with bestselling author and love coach, Stephan Speaks. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:31Lewis Howes?

  Author George Sand said, "There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved." And Gloria Steinem once said, "Far too many people are looking for the right person instead of trying to be the right person." Whoo, I am pumped about today. This is going to be a juicy one because it's a hot topic. Everyone's trying to find out how they can find love. Everyone's trying to figure out how to make their relationship work. We have a special guest. His name is Stephan LaBosier, also known as Stephan Speaks, who is a well-known relationship coach, massive following online. And we've been friends for a few years now. And when he first came on the School of Greatness, he blew my mind.

• 1:13Lewis Howes?

  But that interview barely scratched the surface. And today we are diving in deeper. That's right. I want to crack open your heart. I want to give you the tools and inspiration and the insights you need to truly find that great partner. Or if you're in a great relationship right now, make sure you maintain that great relationship and love and intimacy. Because in this episode, we discuss the crucial differences between chemistry, compatibility, and connection. And this part is blowing me away. The distinct things that men and women think they want in a relationship and what they don't even realize they want. Whoo, it's getting hot in here. A fail-safe technique for improving communication with your partner. We all know communication is key, but sometimes we just do it so poorly.

• 1:58Lewis Howes?

  The do's and don'ts of online dating, especially during quarantine right now and people trying to find love online. It's challenging, but he gives you these key tips. How society lies to a Us about love at first sight and is it possible to meet someone and know they are the one? And a tricky little thing called sex. That's right. Which is so important, but often gets in the way. Who? This is gonna be hot. I'm so pumped. Everyone in the world could use a dose of wisdom from Stefan. Make sure to share this with someone who needs to hear it. Post it on your social media stories, text some friends, WhatsApp, group chat, whatever it may be. Share with a friend, LewisHowes.com/994

• 2:40Lewis Howes?

  Or just copy and paste the link where you're listening to this right now and share it with a couple of friends. Coming up in just a moment is Stefan Speaks.

• 2:51Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness Podcast. I'm super pumped. My man, my friend is in the house. Stefan Speaks, who empowers millions of people around the world to take charge of the difficult situations standing in their way of life and love and relationships. And it seems like Stefan, relationships for a lot of people, at least it seems this way, is very challenging during this time in 2020. And I'm hearing rumors that divorce lawyers are saying that divorces will be going up and increasing. I don't know if what you're seeing are people getting together stronger than ever and tighter in the relationship

• 3:31Lewis Howes?

  because of the adversity, or are people starting to realize, ah, maybe we're not a good fit and they're breaking up more? What are you seeing currently?

• 3:39Stephan Speaks?

  Definitely more breakups. The, the reality is COVID and 2020 in general seems to be the year of exposing all kinds of different things. And so a lot of people who were able to have their distractions in their life that allow them to tolerate their partners, don't have that distraction anymore. And they gotta deal with that person on a more consistent basis and they realize they don't really like them like that. And so definitely seeing much more divorces and people realizing this isn't gonna work.

• 4:10Lewis Howes?

  You know, you mentioned the word tolerate, you know, we have these distractions where we might have, uh, you know, a girl's night or a guy's night or a mini vacation to get away or whatever it may be. Some activities or hobbies or your workout to kind of distract yourself and get away from your partner if you're not fully aligned, but you've just stayed in the relationship for too long. Is it the person who is trying to tolerate their partner, I date a problem? Or is it the problem with their partner that they can't tolerate about them? If that makes sense, is it their perception and they just need to accept the partner that they've chosen better? Or is it not a right fit?

• 4:47Stephan Speaks?

  It's not a right fit. I, I think at the end of the day, you know, we talked about this in the previous episode where it's about connection. And if two people don't have a deep and genuine connection, they're, they just aren't gonna like each other at their core. And they're not gonna wanna be around each other, um, especially in times like this, to where they can get through these types of moments. I mean, people who have connection aren't complaining about COVID. They're good. They were good before it. They're good now. If anything is giving them more time with their kids, with their partners, they're, they're probably enjoying some of this. But the other folks who didn't have it, it absolutely exposes the whole situation. So I don't view it as anything wrong with

• 5:30Stephan Speaks?

  either specific individual. It's just, a- again, the, the realization that they are not a good fit for each other.

• 5:37Lewis Howes?

  And I've heard you talk about this before, that you need connection and you need chemistry. Isn't that right? In order to really make sure that there's something that's, that lasts, that sticks, because you might have chemistry and it could be like a hot flame for a minute, but then you realize, oh, we don't have any connection. So it just became that and dies. You could have connection, but then you don't have the chemistry and you realize you're just great roommates and friends. Is that kind of?

• 5:59Stephan Speaks?

  Well, yes, the first part, no to the second part, because if you have connection, you will have chemistry. Those go hand in hand, but you can have chemistry and no connection. So look at it like in sports teams. We can put a, a team together and help them build chemistry. All right? But something could happen that destroys the chemistry. So it's very fluid. It can come and go. Connection cannot come in, it's either there or it's not. All right, and if you have connection, you already have this natural draw to each other. You already like each other at their core. And so you're gonna have that chemistry already built in. It ain't that you're just nurturing it at that point, but you already naturally have it.

• 6:40Lewis Howes?

  Why is it so hard for people who are single to get into a relationship? Do they lack the ability to create chemistry and connection? Are there something lacking from them? There's a lot of people that are like, I've been single for years. I can't find the right man. I can't find the right woman. What is wrong with them or is nothing wrong with them?

• 7:00Stephan Speaks?

  There is something wrong with them.

• 7:04Stephan Speaks?

  Like, and I won't say it to insult them because I don't want anyone to feel bad or beat themselves up. But the reality is that if we're not getting the results we want in life, there's an adjustment we need to make. You know, people who are successful, they understand that. We didn't get to where we are by simply saying, oh, it's just the way the world is and I can't do anything about it. There's nothing wrong with me. No, if we're not seeing progress, we need to make adjustments. So in regards to relationships, I think one of the biggest issues is that men and women refuse to accept what the other gender desires and is looking for in a partner. All right, they want the other person to accept them as they are.

• 7:47Stephan Speaks?

  This whole take me as I am flaws and all nonsense, all right? That only keeps them stuck in being single or having to settle for less than they actually desire and would actually make them happy. If people would just accept the qualities and things that the opposite gender needs, they would see greater success and a lot faster.

• 8:08Lewis Howes?

  So what do you think is the number one reason people are single who don't want to be single?

• 8:14Stephan Speaks?

  Again, I, I, I think it boils down to. Not tapping into what the opposite sex is looking for, or not tapping into what the type of person you desire is looking for. So it's like, okay, for example, if you have a man who says he wants a woman that will let him be the leader of the household, alright? And will trust his decision making, so on and so forth. But you refuse to accept that she needs financial stability from you. You refuse to accept that you may have to take on some of the burden of the bills. Not that she won't contribute, but if you want that kind of dynamic, that kind of woman is looking for a man who will first lead financially, alright? On the flip side, if you're a woman saying, well, I want a man

• 8:58Stephan Speaks?

  who has his stuff together, who's an alpha man, but you're exuding nothing but masculine energy all the time, you're not gonna get that kind of man. You have to tap into femininity because that's what attracts the alpha man, the masculine man, so on and so forth. So again, it's like, we're not tapping into the qualities and things that that person would desire in a partner. We just want them to take us as we are and give us what we want. And it's like, no, it doesn't work like that.

• 9:29Lewis Howes?

  Why do so many people continue to live in that, I don't know if you call it a fantasy world, where it's like, what's the famous quote, like, if you don't accept me at my worst, you shouldn't deserve me at my best, or something like that, right? It's like this fantasy world of, okay, I get that men and women and individuals are gonna have bad moments in their life. We're not all gonna be perfect, we're not always gonna be at our best, but we shouldn't always be at our worst either. And if you're always at your worst and not improving, why should someone settle for you at your worst consistently? Is that fair to say?

• 10:01Stephan Speaks?

  That is fair to say, and I think that's another big problem is that people are looking for partners who will take their worst. And it's like, listen, yes, they should be, they should be able to get past the rough moments that you have. As you've mentioned, we're gonna have those moments. We're not perfect. Cool. But you're supposed to bring your partner your best. All right, like, you shouldn't always be coming home and bringing nothing but drama and stress to your partner and say, hey, deal with it because you're supposed to love me. All right. And it's like, yeah, cool. If you had a bad day, a bad week, I'm there for you. But if every damn day is bad and you're stressed out and you're stressing me out,

• 10:40Stephan Speaks?

  you can't expect to have a healthy relationship with that. So absolutely, people have to get out of that mindset.

• 10:47Lewis Howes?

  What would you want in your partner? If you're gonna be your worst all the time, would you wanna be around someone who's their worst all the time? It's not gonna be fun or fulfilling. It's gonna be stressful and overwhelming, and you don't wanna get into a relationship to deal with more stress. You wanna find someone who can support you with your vision and creating more joy and fulfillment and happiness. So I think a lot of people need to realize, like, the thing I love about my girlfriend the most is she keeps me at such a high standard for myself. She continues to elevate me to say, how can I be better for me, for my dreams, and also for the relationship? You know, if I start to slack off in certain things, she lets me know, like, hey, it's okay for a little bit, but consistently, it's not, it's not what she wants in a relationship.

• 11:32Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely.

• 11:33Lewis Howes?

  So I think, and the same for her, like, I tell her, like, hey, listen, you know, you're bringing a lot of stress to this relationship, like consistently, it's time, it's time to we shift. We've, we've addressed it, you've felt it. It's okay, it's been a couple of weeks now. Let's get back to vision. Let's get back to responsibility. Let's get back to, okay, what are some habits we can create together, some goals of the week we can create to get us out of this funk? And I think a lot of people had a lot of stress the first couple of months of COVID. And maybe some of them were just like, we're not the right fit for each other. And maybe some just didn't have the tools to be able to figure out how do we get through this together? What are some of those tools when? Both partners are down and out and stressed and overwhelmed and both lost their job and both are dealing with money challenges and both are, you know,

• 12:18Lewis Howes?

  what are some tools we can get back on track with to have a thriving relationship?

• 12:22Stephan Speaks?

  Communication is number one. Um, we, we've got to be able to talk to each other, but I think in times like that, it can still be difficult to have these verbal conversations and both parties have a lot to get off their chest. So that's why I'm such a huge fan of writing letters. Because I feel like at that time, it, it will allow both parties to have a full release. All right. Cause you had to imagine if we're both going through it, then we're both trying to get our side of the story out, or we're trying to express how we're feeling. And that's a long conversation that can have a lot of distractions. Um, things can, you know, cause you guys to maybe even forget.

• 12:58Lewis Howes?

  Bring up stuff from the past that wasn't even a part of this conversation. It's the worst.

• 13:03Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 13:04Lewis Howes?

  We're trying to address this one thing and you bring something up from six months ago, right?

• 13:08Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. Or someone gets offended and they get defensive when you were just trying to be honest. So much can go wrong. So to me.

• 13:17Lewis Howes?

  I've been there.

• 13:18Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah. When you write a letter, it really gives you both parties, it gives the writer a chance to get everything out and to assess proper tone and delivery with the message. It gives the receiver time to process and really take it in and listen to understand, not to rebuttal. Because in verbal conversation, it's very easy to listen to rebuttal. But in a letter writing format, you don't really have an opportunity to rebuttal right then and there. So you're more likely to actually take it in. So I think communication is definitely a big part of it. I also think that if we're going through hard times, we need to at least identify one day out the week. Well, we don't talk about any issues.

• 14:02Stephan Speaks?

  All right, all right, cool. We already know we're out of work right now. We know we're stressing. Worrying is not going to change that. Let's pick a day where we just enjoy each other. Let's just have fun. I don't care if it's watch Netflix all day together, laid up in the bed, whatever. Let's just enjoy each other and we agree on this day. We leave all the drama and stress alone. We can return back to that tomorrow. That way, I feel like, you know, when you're constantly discussing all the tough times, you're putting a wedge between each other. And you need something to bring you two back so that you don't drift too far apart. And so I think that having that day of us time is going to be extremely beneficial for people who are going through it.

• 14:44Lewis Howes?

  When someone meets someone new, whether it be a moment, five-minute conversation, a couple hours, or whatever it may be, when is the appropriate amount of time to know that this person could be one of the people that you spend the rest of your life with, a long time with, could be your your love partner? When, when should we actually know in our gut, in our mind, and bring it together that, okay, this is the person? Is it a moment, instance, yes? Or is it once you learn after months? What do you think?

• 15:13Stephan Speaks?

  It's very instant and immediate. So here's the thing. Society has brainwashed us to believe that love and identifying it takes time. That's a lie. In most situations, when it takes months, you have not fallen in love, you've learned to tolerate them, you've grown attached to them. All right, you, you, you've

• 15:35Lewis Howes?

  You've enjoyed a part of the process, it's giving you connection, you're not lonely.

• 15:40Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. And, and when you've invested months, you are more likely to not want to walk away from it because of all the time and energy you put in. So now you mistake your attachment to the investment as love, and it's not really love. When you sit down with people who can say they felt a real, or they have a real connection with their partner, I think every story, I don't know of any one story that's opposite of this, they will all say it was pretty much instant. First date, you may not know a hundred percent fact, I'm gonna marry this person. But you knew the potential was there. You knew like this could be the one. That, that at least came to mind. And so again, when, when we don't have that in that first conversation, that first day,

• 16:25Stephan Speaks?

  it's unlikely. I'm not gonna sit there and say it's impossible that it can happen days later or a week later or whatever. Uh, but typically, and even if you can't articulate it as you knew they were, they could be the one. When people look back, they can tell you that they felt something very strong in that initial engagement with their partner. That said, they knew something was different. They, they may not even know what it was, but they knew, okay, this isn't normal. This isn't like the rest. Something's going on here. And then there's a full realization of this is it.

• 16:57Lewis Howes?

  What is that something that we can't understand, that feeling? What is that called? Is that just like your, your magnets connected to each other? Is that your energy is so attracted because there's so much opposites or it's so much similarities? What is that force that gets people to say there was something different about this person when I met them?

• 17:17Stephan Speaks?

  I personally believe it's your spirit recognizing its match. Because there, there, if you speak to a lot of people, um, of different religious beliefs, there's a belief that things happen in the spirit before they happen in the physical. All right? So it's almost like the spirit is ahead of us, which is why the spirit knows the truth, which is why intuition, gut instinct, third eye, whatever you wanna call it, it always seems to be accurate because your spirit knows before you know. So we're feeling it within our spirit. The problem is it's getting our mind in tune with the spirit. It's allowing our heart to accept what the spirit is saying to us. But we feel it, we just don't know how to always explain it.

• 18:01Stephan Speaks?

  Those who are very in tune with the spirit can recognize it much quicker and, and accept it for what it is much quicker because they're very in tune already.

• 18:08Lewis Howes?

  Why is it so hard for our mind and our heart to get caught up to our gut or intuition of that initial explosion of chemistry? And also can that explosion of connection and chemistry be harmful in a different way?

• 18:24Stephan Speaks?

  Okay, so one, fear. Fear is the number one reason why we, we struggle to accept. So one of the things I explain to a lot of women, you know, and I have my membership group for them, so I've had this discussion where I say, listen, you know, the difference between intuition and fear is logical deduction. So when you're trying to analyze and break things down, that's your mind. All right. And fear is coming into that because you're saying, well, I shouldn't do this because of that. Or this can't be this because of that. Intuition requires no logic. Your spirit requires no logic. It simply feels, it senses, it knows. That's it. You don't have to explain it. Again, gut instinct doesn't require things to logically add up.

• 19:09Stephan Speaks?

  It just tells you this is it, or something's wrong, or this is right, or whatever the case may be. So fear is the number one thing. And that fear stems from lack of healing from past relationships. We, we've been down this road of emotional investment. We've gotten hurt before. We've been wrong in our lives about wanting to believe someone could be it. Even though we know this feels different, we still have the fear of disappointment that creeps back in.

• 19:35Lewis Howes?

  How do we let go of that fear and not sabotage an amazing opportunity in a relationship?

• 19:41Stephan Speaks?

  You gotta heal from your past. There's no way around it. And, and this is why I say people who have not healed, they could meet their connection right now, the most amazing partner, and it will scare them to death. And they will either run, self sabotage, something. It's gonna be a problem because they have not healed. And when you have not healed, the vulnerability that's required in connection is so unlike anything else or with anyone else, that if you don't have a, a, a level of confidence, and again, a foundation of healing in your life, it seems way too overwhelming and scary. So you've got to heal in order to not find yourself sabotaging, run away, and, and, and not being able to embrace that real love.

• 20:26Lewis Howes?

  What if both parties come to something and there's this explosion of chemistry or just instant like, wow, there's something different feeling, and both have not healed their past, but they stay together, they figure it out, and they're together. Is there gonna be a lot of problems and trauma and stress that comes up over the years if they both haven't healed before they get into a relationship? Or can they heal in the relationship together?

• 20:51Stephan Speaks?

  It is possible. Let me backtrack a little bit. First, let me say that people have to understand there is such thing as right person, wrong time. All right. People don't want to believe that. There are a lot of people who reject that idea. They say, oh, if it's the wrong time, it's not the right person. That's not true. You can meet that individual that you have an amazing connection with, but both parties still need growth before they can come together. All right. And so now is

• 21:16Lewis Howes?

  What happens if they come together and they haven't healed?

• 21:21Stephan Speaks?

  So here's the thing. It is possible to get through that and survive and have a healthy relationship. It is unlikely for most people to survive being with someone you have a connection with and you have not healed. Again, most people won't even allow themselves to be with that person.

• 21:40Lewis Howes?

  They'll sabotage it so much, they'll dive in, but then they'll cheat or they're all, they won't respond to the person. They'll do something, right?

• 21:48Stephan Speaks?

  Yes. And, and, and speaking of cheating, they, they tend to have a history of going back to an ex because the ex feels safer because it's not as vulnerable over there. All right. I can maintain more emotional control. It's familiar, so it's easier. So I've seen plenty of situations where, again, the connection was so overwhelming, so they ran back to their ex. No one, they're not, they're not, the ex is not for them and they're not for their ex. But again, it just feels safer there. So yes, a lot can go wrong if you try to be together when you have not healed and you have this connection. It would be best to acknowledge, okay, you know what? We got some work we need to do. We realize we have a connection here. Let's work on ourselves in the meantime before we take that next step.

• 22:33Lewis Howes?

  Can you heal while having sex with one or multiple partners for fun on the side?

• 22:40Stephan Speaks?

  I'm not going to say it's impossible, but again, highly unlikely. Um, sex is such a distracting thing and we, we have to understand that so much can come from our sexual interactions. There can be new drama. There can be, hell, an unwanted pregnancy. There can be a host of things and all of that will derail you in the healing process. You also have to be honest with yourself. You may be having the sex because you're trying to distract yourself from the healing. Like, the sex is just a coping mechanism for you. Same as drugs, same as alcohol. People turn to these things because they don't want to deal with their reality in life. So, you've got to be honest. Are you trying to just bury your head in sexual interactions?

• 23:25Stephan Speaks?

  Or is it just, if it's happening in a natural flow of life? Okay, then there's a greater chance that you can survive this, but you've got to be really careful. I would suggest cutting that off if you're trying to heal. You know, again, I don't want to say it's impossible, but you're going to make it extremely difficult and highly unlikely.

• 23:41Lewis Howes?

  For sure. I want to ask you about the best ways to meet someone these days, 2020 moving forward. The do's and don'ts for online dating. But what I'm hearing you say is that you shouldn't be trying to meet someone. You shouldn't be doing the online dating game until you've fully healed, or at least started the process of healing, because healing is a journey. Sometimes things take a lot longer to heal fully. But at least acknowledging and starting that process. What would be a process to start healing your past relationships or pains before we get into the conversation of do's and don'ts of online dating?

• 24:18Stephan Speaks?

  Okay, so of course, going to a therapist or coach is the ideal thing to do. You typically need that outside party that can help you process some things, help you see new perspectives, and go through a process of healing. Now, I will be honest, not every coach or therapist is going to help someone heal. Sometimes it just turns into a venting session. So you've got to be real careful about, okay, if I've been going to this therapist or coach for many weeks or months now, what progress have I really made? Have I been resolving or have I been coping? Because many are teaching you how to cope and manage and how to function within your brokenness, but they're not resolving it and helping you heal.

• 25:01Stephan Speaks?

  Now, of course, you know, I'm big on healing, so I have my book, Love After Heartbreak, which gives people these exact steps to healing. So, one of the steps, I'll give you the first step, is getting the hurt out in front of you. So it's this who hurt me list? And so you get a piece of paper, you write down who hurt me, and you ask yourself the question, who hurt me? And now, everyone who comes to mind, you put them on the paper. Doesn't matter if it happened very long ago, doesn't matter if you think you moved past it. If they come to mind when you ask the question, then that means there's some kind of relevance there. And so now you put them on the paper in like two sentences of what they did to hurt you. This will now at least help us identify what you've been holding on to. And where the hurt is and what needs to be properly addressed.

• 25:45Stephan Speaks?

  And then from there, we can do the other steps of getting things off your chest and forgiveness and all these different things that's involved in healing.

• 25:51Lewis Howes?

  I love that. I'm a, I'm a big proponent of writing letters to people that you never send them. Telling them how you, how it made you feel, what you're, what you're frustrated and angry about with them. Forgiving them, letting it go. And then I like to burn the letter and bury it as well. In the ground, in the ground to hopefully create a sense of like, okay, this was alive in me and now I'm killing this. And this, this feeling, this energy, and I'm, I'm putting it to bed and I'm putting it back in the world to hopefully create something new, to grow something new. And more loving and powerful and create that intention. Uh, but I think that's really important. When should we know? That we have, are healed enough?

• 26:33Lewis Howes?

  How do we know when our healing has gone far enough down its journey? Before we should get into? Meeting someone new, putting ourselves out there on social media, online dating apps and things like that.

• 26:45Stephan Speaks?

  All right. Well, first thing I want to say is now there are gonna be times where sending the letter to the person is actually the best thing to do.

• 26:51Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 26:52Stephan Speaks?

  Yes. A, a lot of people are scared about that and it's a very difficult hurdle to jump, but I literally got a DM today. From a woman who read the book. She wrote her letter last year. It was to her mother. She didn't want to send it. She held on to it. She said she just finally built up the courage. Cause I, I tell them in the book, 99% of the time, I'm going to tell you to send the letter. And so she finally did it. And she said they end up having the best conversation they've ever had in their life. Now they're like the best of friends. Like it's taken their relationship to a whole new level. And, and it's not, that's not the purpose of sending it. But there's so much good that can come from taking the extra step of actually sending the letter.

• 27:33Stephan Speaks?

  And making sure that person is aware of how you felt and, and, and what you were going through. Now in regards to knowing when you've properly healed. Number one thing is when you can embrace being fully vulnerable with somebody. All right. If vulnerability still scares you, you have not healed enough. All right, you've gotta be willing to open your heart. We can't say we want love and then put walls up around our heart and be afraid to give it to someone. You're contradicting yourself, you're working against yourself. So you've gotta be willing to be vulnerable. You also have to make sure any negative perceptions that you've held on to due to past experiences, you've done away with them.

• 28:16Stephan Speaks?

  So for example, if you have been saying all men are dogs because you've been hurt by so many men. Well, you can't be out there dating and still screaming all men are dogs. That's not gonna work in your favor. You've got to accept that good men exist and you can receive a great man, that you deserve a great man. So when you have a more positive outlook and way of thinking, and listen, we're gonna all have our negative thought moments, that happens. But your dominant or more consistent thought pattern is positive, hopeful, and things of that nature, now we can say you're ready to get back out there.

• 28:51Lewis Howes?

  How important is the language or the inner thoughts? The actual physical words we use in the inner language, the inner dialogue, in terms of attracting or finding the right partner?

• 29:03Stephan Speaks?

  It's extremely important. You know, we hear it all the time, words are power. And the reality is that the words you speak to yourself, the thoughts you have, they will, whether knowingly or unknowingly to you, they will dictate your energy. The energy that you give off to people, or the way your just spirit comes across to individuals. And so you can put on a happy face, but if your thought is negative, pessimistic, all right, and dwelling in this, then your energy will still be negative. All right, what you do on the surface isn't gonna be able to hide that. Which is why you have some people who swear, well, I'm not a bad person. Yeah, but you're not a positive person. All right, you can be good people, but no, you are miserable.

• 29:47Stephan Speaks?

  And it's not even just you're miserable like you're dwelling in it in your life, but you give off miserable energy. And so who's gonna wanna be around that? Who's gonna wanna commit to that? At the most, they might wanna have sex with you, but they're not gonna wanna tie themselves to you in a committed long-term relationship or marriage.

• 30:04Lewis Howes?

  And people can feel that energy. What I don't care if you're a man, woman, or in between, you can feel the energy of someone. And if you haven't healed properly yourself, you may be attracted to a wounded individual to then try to find some validation or try to find some connection there. And that's why it's important for you to heal so that you can fully see the energy around you and see who is a potential great match for you. Because if you haven't healed, you're gonna keep attracting negativity and repeating certain patterns. Is that correct?

• 30:36Stephan Speaks?

  That is absolutely correct. And if you talk to any person who has healed, they can tell you how they feel energy even more now. Where they become more aware. It's so much easier to see past the facade that so many people are putting up. Because now, healing allows us to get more in tune with our spirit. And by getting more in tune with our spirit, we get more in tune with everyone's spirit. Because technically, we are all connected through the spirit, alright? And so, it's easier to be in touch with that when you get away, get rid of the blockage of trauma, past disappointments and hurts, disappointments, things of that nature.

• 31:14Lewis Howes?

  It's powerful stuff, man. I'm still trying to get to my, one of my first questions, which is what's the best way to meet someone these days? And online dating, but it sounds like that's so far ahead of what you need to be thinking about first. Like, have I started to heal? Are there people who have hurt me? Are there people that I need to apologize to? You know, all these different things. It's almost like you gotta do the work before you can start doing the work of finding someone.

• 31:37Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely.

• 31:37Lewis Howes?

  So, I think it's important for us to remind people of this process first before we say, "Okay, you've done the work. You've started the process of healing. You feel like you can open your heart and be vulnerable to anyone, and it's not going to hurt you and cripple you. Now, once you've done that..."

• 31:56Lewis Howes?

  What's the best way to meet someone these days? You know, we got tons of social media apps now. We got people just swiping left and right on TikTok and Tinder and Bumbles. And whatever else knows is out there. I feel like if I was a single man right now, it would just be chaos. Because it would be option overload, nothing's ever good enough, comparison overload. Like, where do we meet someone these days who is a quality human being? That could be a potential great partner for us?

• 32:24Stephan Speaks?

  So I definitely think people need to get rid of the negative stigma they have of online dating. I think, again, it's a tool to meet people more conveniently. And in times like this, it's probably the best tool. Let's be real. I mean, even if you try to go out, certain cities are limited. You're not going to see as much people out anymore. So if you thought it was hard to meet people going out before, well, it just got harder. So being open to online dating, I think, would be the best bet. I think what people have to realize is, so I've gone on so many sites to like do research and see what's going on. And I can tell you that people's online profiles are pure trash. Like, the majority of people have no damn clue what they're doing with these online dating profiles.

• 33:08Stephan Speaks?

  And I believe it, it's because many have this one foot in, one foot out approach. It's like, I'm gonna just try this because there's nothing else going on. But I'm not actually committed to the process of making this work.

• 33:21Lewis Howes?

  And how it's like, they're just bored. This is like entertainment. This is, they're craving connection and intimacy, but they don't want to fully commit.

• 33:29Stephan Speaks?

  Mm-hmm. And they don't fully buy into the fact that it can work. Like, I have clients who have gotten married from online dating. So it can work. Now, does it guarantee you a husband or wife? No. But does it pretty much guarantee you can meet people and have some options to decide if you want to move forward? Yes. But again, you've got to be smart about how you invest in the process and how you set up your profile and things of that nature to help you become more successful.

• 33:59Lewis Howes?

  What are the do's and don'ts of of online dating? And I'm going to make a general assumption here. Correct me if I'm wrong. That men in general go on online dating sites to find people to hook up with in general. And women go on to more find a great potential partner. Please correct me if I'm wrong. But I think that's the general mindset. Is that right?

• 34:24Stephan Speaks?

  I think that's a general mindset. I I do think it varies depending on the site. Like, I believe a site that makes men pay has a higher chance of serious relationship minded men being on there. Because the guy who just wants to hook up is less likely to want to spend any money if he can go to a free site. And it's just, you know, a free fall on there. So I do think that certain sites give a better opportunity for serious relationships. But as far as do's and don'ts, one don't, I'm gonna start with a don't. Is don't make it all about what you want. Meaning, people don't go on online dating and present their value. And so why would I choose you out of all these people online?

• 35:08Stephan Speaks?

  But I don't know what you bring to the table, what value you present. It's like, listen, in marketing, the job is to present value to the consumer to say, this is why you should buy my product. We dress it up properly. We we've picked the right colors, the right wording. It's all about hitting your target market and and appealing to them. And I feel like people don't do that. They go online and make it, well, I'm looking for this. I don't want this. Boom, boom, boom, boom. All right, but I don't see any value here. So why would I reach out to you? So I think that's a big don't. Don't make it all about you. Make it about what you bring to the table, what value you provide.

• 35:47Lewis Howes?

  Make yourself desirable so you start attracting options as opposed to saying, well, uh, yeah, I'm only looking for this guy. And you have to be smart and rich and this. It's like,

• 35:57Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 35:57Lewis Howes?

  You're already too much to handle right now.

• 36:01Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, yes.

• 36:02Lewis Howes?

  Okay, so that's number one, build something, create desire for someone to be attracted to you. What, what else?

• 36:09Stephan Speaks?

  Number two, have enough pictures on your profile. So many people jump on, again, because it's one foot in, one foot out, they put one picture up. Now, listen, we live in a time where catfishing is popular and nobody wants to be catfished. If you only have one picture up, you become a very skeptical, or you make people very skeptical of your profile. All right, and so you gotta show people the full you. So not only have one picture, but I always say have at least one full body picture. Let people know what they're getting into, because the last thing you want is to have these beautiful headshots. All right, and someone choose you based off of that. Then you meet in person and the rest of you doesn't look like the way they wanted you to look.

• 36:52Stephan Speaks?

  And now you have a wasted date, wasted time, you get discouraged. Let's, let's stop doing that to ourselves and to each other. Let's show the full version of who we are. Someone either likes it or they don't. All right, so I say three to four pictures in your profile.

• 37:08Lewis Howes?

  That's interesting, and would someone ever change their mind based on personality only of like, oh, well, they're, maybe it wasn't the way I wanted them to look, but they're such a nice person and I have this personality that I'm gonna give it another date? Or are you saying like, allow people to see the full picture of who you are, at least to a certain level? Obviously, you're not gonna share your whole life story and open up all your flaws or any way. You're gonna put your best foot forward, but to at least see kind of a full picture of your life in five to six photos, I guess.

• 37:37Stephan Speaks?

  I, I, I think that unfortunately, it depends on how far you've deviated from their perception or the, the fantasy that they put in their head. So I, I don't wanna sound harsh, but let's just say they looked at your picture and they thought you were an athletic person. They thought you had an athletic frame, all right? Now, when they see you, you're plus size. That may be too far of a deviation for them to say, oh, but their personality is good enough. All right.

• 38:03Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 38:04Stephan Speaks?

  Now, they may have envisioned athletic, but you're like a little bit off from that. Okay, well, you know what? She's a great, or he's a great person. I can work with this. That's not gonna push them too far to the left. You know what I'm saying? So it really depends on how far you've deviated. And that's why the pictures helps eliminate that issue. We don't need the guessing game. We don't need people feel some kind of way once they finally see you. Don't use old pictures from 10 years ago if they don't represent how you currently look. You wanna show your true self now and let them decide if they want to step into this or not.

• 38:40Lewis Howes?

  Is there another do or don't?

• 38:42Stephan Speaks?

  Do not come off negative in your profile. So it kinda goes back to the whole saying what you want and making it all about you. Many people, and I have to say this happens a lot with women. They come off like, well, if you're this, don't, don't reach out to me or I don't want this. And the tone is very negative. All right? Like the, I'm not here to play games. Okay, cool. That's not gonna get you anywhere. That just makes you come off as difficult. All right? So you wanna come off with a more positive, inviting tone. You wanna be very mindful of your delivery in your bio, in your message, or your headline, or whatever. All that negative stuff, especially for women, is not gonna get you far if you're looking for a serious relationship.

• 39:26Stephan Speaks?

  Again, men will bypass the negative energy if they just want sex and you look good to them. But they're not gonna bypass that to make you their woman and to commit to you or marry you.

• 39:38Lewis Howes?

  Right. That's powerful for women to know for sure. And do you think women can make the first move and it can work out long term?

• 39:46Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely. And I, I honestly think when it comes to online dating, they should. My logic is this. As a woman, you jump on online dating. Let's say you're an attractive woman. You put up your profile. And now, in a couple of days, it's a sea of garbage that comes your way. All right? And you gotta fish through the sea of garbage to find your diamond in the rough. And through that process, it can be very exhausting. You, you can find yourself feeling like this is pointless and now you get off the platform. However, You should go and find the men you want to put yourself in front of. All right, making it easier for you to get candidates you actually would like. And for women, we don't require much. You can just say hello.

• 40:31Lewis Howes?

  A smiley face or whatever.

• 40:33Stephan Speaks?

  Emoji. You can send a blank damn message, all right? If we are attracted to you and we find interest, we will respond. Did you mean that to me? Like, we're gonna look into it. So to me, it would be best and was most beneficial for women to just send out, again, just simple messages to the men that actually catch their interest.

• 40:54Lewis Howes?

  Right, and see if they're interested in return. Yeah.

• 40:56Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 40:57Lewis Howes?

  My friend, Matthew Hussey, I think he calls this in person, like the handkerchief technique, where he's like, listen, women, you know, look them in the eyes from across the restaurant or at the grocery store, like, look a man in his eyes or connect with him in a flirtatious way, a little bit subtle little way, or, you know, back in the olden days, they would drop a handkerchief as they walked by a man to see if they would pick it up and bring it to them. So it's like, allow a man so they be interested in connecting with you, because it takes a lot of courage, even if you're online, to put yourself out there to someone you're attracted to. It's easier to obviously just message someone online and not be rejected and feel so sad than it is in person, but it's still, you've gotta put some energy

• 41:42Lewis Howes?

  out there for the guys that you're interested in for sure, and see which ones are like, gonna take a nibble, you know.

• 41:48Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 41:48Lewis Howes?

  Come on the hook, so.

• 41:50Stephan Speaks?

  That's it.

• 41:51Lewis Howes?

  I love that, man. What's the best opening line for a man or woman in online dating? To reach out to someone, to pique interest, and see if it's some potential for something?

• 42:03Stephan Speaks?

  Okay, for men, what you wanna do is you want your opening line to reference something she's written in her profile, which shows you actually took time to read her profile.

• 42:15Lewis Howes?

  You care, yeah, you researched.

• 42:17Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. And it automatically separates yourself, because, let's face it, a woman on there might be getting tons of hellos, you look amazing, you look great, blah, blah, blah. She's heard that a million times, but let's just say, she just got her degree. In, I don't know, in uh IT, alright? And now you say, oh, you know, hey, what do you like about IT? I don't know, you just make some kind of reference to it. It just shows that you took more time to actually learn. You come across much more genuine and the message is immediately different from the typical man who reaches out to her. So I think that's the best approach for men to take. Uh, and it also allows for a natural conversation to flow. Cause you know, when you started with the whole hello, where are you from?

• 43:02Stephan Speaks?

  It's like, uh, exactly. But when you have a, pick a topic using her profile to start it off, you got something you can get rolling from there and then you can get into all the other stuff.

• 43:12Lewis Howes?

  And people always appreciate someone who takes the uh, the time to research. People always appreciate a different approach, a different angle, like a uniqueness to something about you. But if you're always the same as everyone else of like, hey there cutie, or whatever it is, you're gonna get the same type of results. But when you are a little different, they're gonna say, huh, something's different about that person. Let me keep talking.

• 43:32Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely, absolutely.

• 43:34Lewis Howes?

  And for women?

• 43:35Stephan Speaks?

  For women, you know, I really just feel like saying hello is just, that's all they need. They don't have to say much. Cause let's be real, like, the man isn't gonna be interested in you because of, he likes what he sees and he likes your profile. Like a special line for a woman doesn't really separate them, so to speak. Um, she could try to be funny and humorous. She could try to do the same thing that I said to men. But I think at the end of the day, it really boils down to, okay, if he likes what he sees and he likes what's on the profile, a simple hello, an emoji, whatever, is gonna do the trick.

• 44:08Lewis Howes?

  Because a man's either gonna respond and dive in, or he's gonna say, okay, hi, and that's it. And not get back quickly or whatever it is. You're gonna know, you're gonna know quickly within 24 hours if a guy's interested in you as well or not.

• 44:21Stephan Speaks?

  I, I always say, there are some men who are still very shy and socially awkward, even when it comes to online dating. And so there may be a struggle with how they communicate, but I do think that at the very least, they're gonna respond, alright? They're gonna respond and from there, a conversation can be had. And I do think within the first few responses, we're gonna get an idea of, okay, this guy does have some kind of interest here.

• 44:45Lewis Howes?

  What are your thoughts on friends or matchmakers spotting connection? Where they say, hey, I've got a great person for you. You're gonna love this guy, you're gonna love this girl. You guys, you know, are perfect for each other. Are friends actually good at spotting potential long-term connection? And are matchmakers good at this as well?

• 45:08Stephan Speaks?

  So I, I don't want to rain on any matchmaker's parade. Or in any way, you know, take away from what they do. I cannot honestly say I believe that a matchmaker can spot connection. They can spot chemistry and compatibility. I do think that matchmakers can be very good in finding who would be compatible with each other. But again, compatibility does not equal connection. Connection is something deeper. Again, it's within that spirit. And so for someone on the outside to identify that, that's, that's highly unlikely unless they have seen these two interact and have been in their presence. So essentially, if I see you with someone, I can say, or I see you with your girl, I

• 45:53Stephan Speaks?

  can say, okay, I see the connection there. Cause I'm seeing you two interact, I can feel the energy. But if I have my friend here and a female friend over there, and I'm thinking, oh, these two people could have a connect, no. Like, there's no way to say that when I'm just going off of what I know of them, rather than actually them interacting and seeing the energy there.

• 46:13Lewis Howes?

  So you can't guess, even if like, these are two great people, they're gonna hit it off, you can... It's rare that you could guess that they will actually hit it off until you see them connecting. Then you can spot, wow, they have a connection.

• 46:26Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, I believe that. When we're talking about connection, yes, that would be the case.

• 46:30Lewis Howes?

  So what's the difference between connection, chemistry, and compatibility?

• 46:34Stephan Speaks?

  So let's start with compatibility. Compatibility are traits that typically fit together, all right? So we're identifying, well, okay, she's a go-getter, she likes being outdoors. She's very spiritual and he's, he likes the same things. So we're identifying traits that make them compatible. Some people may use the zodiac to determine who is compatible. But again, zodiac is really dependent on the traits that they have defined for that sign. And as long as those things are consistent or they are accurate in those cases, then they can say there's going to be some level of compatibility there. So there's going to be some level of fit there, all right?

• 47:16Stephan Speaks?

  Chemistry is when two people know how to get along and flow with each other, work with each other. So chemistry doesn't necessarily require compatibility, all right? Because again, think about at work. We can go through team building exercises and build chemistry with our work associates, all right? But we don't have to like them. We don't have to have the same interests as them. There has to be, nothing else has to be in alignment, but we can learn how to work together and build and create something and make progress and be successful. So chemistry is very independent of that. But again, it's more so learning how to work with each other, flow with each other,

• 47:58Stephan Speaks?

  get along with each other, coexist together, so to speak. But again, it's very fluid. It can, it can come, it can go, all right? You can build chemistry, you can destroy chemistry. Connection is, again, with connection, you will have chemistry.

• 48:17Stephan Speaks?

  But funny enough, with connection, you may not have what people perceive as compatibility. So you can have two individuals who you would never think are a match for each other, but yet they are feeling this amazing connection with each other. Unexplainable, they never would have thought it would be this person, but it's there, alright? But again, you will have chemistry within connection. Connection doesn't come or go. It's either there or it's not. You cannot create it, you cannot destroy it. You can run from it, you can try to reject it, you can pile a bunch of trash on top of it, toxic energy, but it's still there. And it kind of goes back to, we talked about this before, where you, you're the one that put me on the,

• 49:01Stephan Speaks?

  I forgot how you say, the red string Chinese.

• 49:04Lewis Howes?

  Yes, yes, the red string. I still got it on.

• 49:09Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. And so no matter where you go in the world, no matter what you do.

• 49:13Lewis Howes?

  You'll feel connection.

• 49:14Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. And that's why people with connection could fall apart tomorrow, meet back up 10 years later, and it's like they never stop talking. The connection is always there. So it's, that's why it's the strongest and most important of those three.

• 49:31Lewis Howes?

  Is it fair to say that you need all three to have the most fulfilling type of relationship? And if you're missing compatibility, there will always be some type of stress?

• 49:44Stephan Speaks?

  No, I think, I think you need chemistry and connection. And again, if you have connection, you will have the chemistry. The reason why I say you don't need compatibility is because again, what people perceive as compatible doesn't always align with what actually allows two people to be connected and bond and all these wonderful things. So because of that, I would say compatibility due to society's perception of it is not necessary.

• 50:11Lewis Howes?

  It's the least needed thing.

• 50:13Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 50:14Lewis Howes?

  But to have, but so you shouldn't be coming into a relationship saying, wow, we're very compatible people. We like the same things, we come from the same background, we live in the same city, our families live nearby. This makes sense. We should try this thing because look at how compatible we are. What I'm hearing you say is you should make sure you have this connection that if you were gone for 10 years, you think about them, you dream about them, you always want to come back together. That that is more important. Than having chemistry and compatibility because with connection you will have chemistry, but you may not be compatible.

• 50:48Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, and you're 100% accurate what you just said. Compatibility, and that's where a lot of people go wrong. They choose partners based off of compatibility. They choose partners based off of the logical deduction that this would make sense. This is a great opportunity. You know, we like the same things, blah, blah, blah. But those people find themselves miserable because they get caught up in the hype initially. But again, the connection that they need to really enjoy each other, uh, the glue that keeps them together, the glue that helps them overcome difficult times, that's not there if you don't have connection. You know what I'm saying? And hell, it's, it's tough even when you have connections. So if you don't have it.

• 51:30Lewis Howes?

  Is connection something you can cultivate if you don't have? Or is it something you either have it together or you don't?

• 51:37Stephan Speaks?

  You have it or you don't. You can't, you can't make it up out of thin air. You can't create it. Plenty of people have tried and failed miserably. It just doesn't work, you know? And that's why.

• 51:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, you hear this all the time of like, gosh, he looked amazing on paper. Like, he, he's just like, had everything on pay. He checked every box. She checked every box, but there was this, I, and they were such a good person. They're such a great person, but I just couldn't connect.

• 52:05Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. It just wasn't there. And let me tell you, that's one of the worst positions to be in.

• 52:10Lewis Howes?

  Oh.

• 52:11Stephan Speaks?

  To be with this amazing, wonderful person that you don't have a connection with. Because now, how do I justify and validate to myself, my friends, my family, who probably love this person?

• 52:23Lewis Howes?

  Love this person.

• 52:25Lewis Howes?

  Love them.

• 52:27Stephan Speaks?

  And like, yo, I gotta tell them, no, it's just not there. The majority of people are not able to do that. They suck it up and they try to push things along or they convince themselves, I'm, I'm tripping. I, maybe I'm being too picky, whatever. But then inevitably, that marriage or relationship still ends up ending.

• 52:47Lewis Howes?

  So how do you make it work if you have very low compatibility? High connection and chemistry, but.

• 52:55Lewis Howes?

  You are in complete different industries. You like complete different things. One person likes to be inside. The other person loves to go on long hikes and you're just like butting heads about every activity and thing you want. Every movie, you don't like the other person's movies. Like, isn't that a strain on the relationship as well?

• 53:12Stephan Speaks?

  Well, I, I would argue that when there's a connection, you're not gonna butt heads. I feel like, so when people don't have a connection and they're very opposite like that, you're gonna have a lot of tension, a lot of butting of heads. All right? When there's a connection, there's a desire to want to share the moment you enjoy with you. There's a desire to, all right, you know what? I may not care for these types of movies, but I love seeing you happy and I wanna be around you. So I'm gonna try to learn to deal with some of these movies. We're much more willing to make sacrifices, be flexible and, and, and find a compromise when there is a connection there. And I feel like when there's a connection, we don't view the differences as a negative thing.

• 53:54Stephan Speaks?

  We view it as, wow, they're, they're introducing me to a different world. They're showing me a different side. So, okay, maybe I don't like going out all the time, but now it's good that I have someone who likes to go out because she can pull me or he can pull me out the house more often. But I can also help them slow down a little bit and enjoy peace and being at home. There's a balance that's created that makes it a much more well-rounded relationship. So I think that it, what you'll find a lot of times in connection is that they're not the most, again, compatible based on society's perceptions of compatibility. People, they have these differences, but they make this full unit. It's like this yin to the yang type of deal. You know, it doesn't have to be the same.

• 54:37Lewis Howes?

  Is it possible to find someone with extreme connection, extreme chemistry and 80% compatibility where it's like, wow, we like so many of the same things as well? Or are we just more attracted to kind of the opposite attract type of mentality, yin and yang type of balance?

• 54:54Stephan Speaks?

  I think, I think it is possible to, uh, have a strong level of compatibility. But I, if I'm honest, I do think. There is some kind of balance that occurs within relationships with people who have connection. It's not completely down the line. We're just on the same page or like everything the same. I think there is a difference and I think it kind of goes back to the fact that in nature, there's this polarity that has to occur. It's the same reason why masculine is drawn to feminine, feminine drawn to masculine. You don't find a masculine person wanting another masculine person. All right. Now, when it comes to connection or real, serious, healthy relationships, we desire the opposite energy that balances us out.

• 55:36Lewis Howes?

  Why is that? Is that just mother nature, human nature? Why is that, you think?

• 55:40Stephan Speaks?

  I, and I can't say this is a hundred percent accurate, but my belief is that, again, we are not created to be equal. We're created to balance each other out. We're created to come together and have this full unit. Why do my strengths need to be your strengths? How do we become better? If I am a business and I'm going to acquire another company and merge with them, I'm not going to pick the company that does everything the same thing that I do as good. I'm going to pick the company who has a product or a service that's different than mine or that can enhance mine, but, and we come together and we're like Voltron and we become stronger together. So in having our differences,

• 56:22Stephan Speaks?

  we are able to create a stronger whole unit rather than be the exact same.

• 56:27Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I think there was a, I think a couple of years ago, Tyson Meat, the meat company, which is a big meat company, chicken and beef and all this stuff. I think they acquired like a couple hundred million dollars worth of Beyond Meat, which is a vegan option. So it's like they are all meat consumption and they're like, oh, but this is something we don't have and it's growing in this space. Let's get on board and let's balance out in some ways. So I see that as a, as an interesting approach in relationships and an interesting dynamic. I'm curious about. Sex on the first date and on the first night, we got this incredible explosion of chemistry like we've known each other for years.

• 57:11Lewis Howes?

  We were just, I can't believe we didn't connect sooner. Is sex on the first day of meeting something that can turn into a successful long-term relationship? Or have you just seen from your research and your experiences with the people you've coached? That that's a recipe for disaster?

• 57:29Stephan Speaks?

  It can definitely turn into a long-term relationship, marriage, successful relationship. I just think that we have to be careful with that mindset. So I remember one time, I think it was an article I wrote and somebody commented and they said, you know, I've heard of plenty guys, and not to make this only about how guys perceive it, but they had said, I've seen plenty of guys not want to move forward with a woman who they had sex with on the first date. I've never seen a guy say, I can't make her my wife because she didn't have sex with me on the first date. You see what I'm saying? So it's like one approach is still safe. It doesn't, it doesn't hurt you. It doesn't hurt you to wait. You're not going to lose anything by being patient before jumping into bed.

• 58:11Stephan Speaks?

  If anything, you're going to increase your chances of making sure you know what you're getting yourself into. You're confirming there is a connection there. We're on the same page, so on and so forth. But if you move too fast and God forbid you're wrong, that you perceive this incorrectly, now you have possibly set yourself up for other issues. So again, can it happen? Yes, especially if two people have a genuine connection. I do not believe that sex on the first date will derail them. However, why not take the better, more likely approach for success? Or to be safe, better to be safe than sorry and just wait. There's no need to rush for it.

• 58:48Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I like that response where you said you've never, what was it? You've never met a?

• 58:53Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, I like, I won't make her my wife because she didn't have sex with me on the first date. But you've heard plenty of guys say, I don't take her serious because she had sex with me on the first date.

• 59:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, man. It's interesting because when I met my girlfriend Jeanette, we met online and we started talking, you know, just via messaging and then it, a few weeks later it turned into a FaceTime. And then it was a FaceTime every day for a few minutes. Then it was FaceTime every day for longer hours, two hours, three hours. And then we met about a month after we started connecting. I went into the meeting of like, I'm just gonna go and be open to possibilities. Like, who knows what this person's gonna be like in person? I don't know. We've had an amazing connection on the phone where it seems like hours were minutes, that type of whole thing. You lose track of time. You, you can relate in certain ways with each other. And we're both inspired by one another.

• 59:43Lewis Howes?

  And then we literally meet and within minutes, we're kissing. You know, meeting the first time, we're kissing. And, but I also went into it with like, I'm not gonna try anything sexual. Like, if nothing happens, I'm okay. You know, seeing each other for this weekend and, you know, I just wanna go and connect. And I have zero intentions of trying anything further. I went into that mindset. I was like, if I come home from this and we don't even kiss, like, okay. It was, it was an experiment. We're magnets to each other. We start kissing within a few minutes. I kiss her and she was kinda thrown back, but liked it. And it was like, she didn't wanna stop. And within minutes, I kid you not, within five minutes, she's, she looks at me, she stops, she looks at me and she goes, you're mine forever.

• 1:00:27Lewis Howes?

  And I was like, you are a bold woman. I was like, uh, I just got off a plane to see her. And she, and I go, wow, you're pretty forward. And she goes, do you wanna go back on the plane? I was like, no, but I've never heard a woman say this within five minutes. Now, granted, we were talking for a month on, on the phone, but I've never heard a woman say this in five minutes. And if they would, I'd usually run like crazy and think she was crazy. But she was like, I don't know, I'm sorry. I just feel like my heart, my heart says this and I feel like I just wanna say it. And so I really respected her level of courage and vulnerability and honesty as well, where usually girls won't say that type of thing.

• 1:01:09Lewis Howes?

  And I was like, wow, this girl's got a lot of courage and she says what she feels. And it was just like, man, the chemistry was so, the connection was so strong all weekend and, and for the last, you know, over a year now.

• 1:01:24Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:24Lewis Howes?

  That it, uh, it made. It didn't make logical sense, it made emotional sense.

• 1:01:29Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 1:01:30Lewis Howes?

  And I think I just kept going with it. I was like, wow, okay, let's see where this goes. We'll take it day by day. But it's just like, it kept growing. And I think you should have some type of feeling of like instant connection. Because all the women I've dated in the past, I would say I've had instant connection with most of them, like with all of them. But it wasn't this type of connection, like you said at the beginning. It's like this, something was different. I had maybe more like sexual attraction.

• 1:01:58Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 1:01:58Lewis Howes?

  Then I was like, uh, you know, we're not connecting and vibing in the same way that I love. But the sexual attraction is great and they got this and this. So it's like I'm justifying.

• 1:02:08Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:08Lewis Howes?

  As opposed to this is what I, what I want. And this is what, it's like, it's not even a option. This is what my heart is telling me I need to do.

• 1:02:16Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 1:02:17Lewis Howes?

  And I think if your heart is not saying, yeah, like pulling you to something, then it's probably a sign that that may not be the right fit for you right now.

• 1:02:27Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely.

• 1:02:28Lewis Howes?

  Now, do men and women approach early sex differently in your opinion? Beyond the first date, beyond the one night stand type of thing? Do men and women approach it differently in the first months?

• 1:02:42Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, I believe so. I think it's more likely to find a man who is ready to go. You know what I'm saying? And has no, no issues about when the sex occurs within that first month, all right? Whereas there are going to be a lot more women who are concerned and, and genuinely are not comfortable yet. You know, the, the problem also is that just because sex occurs doesn't mean the woman was comfortable. All right. A lot of women allow themselves to get intimate, but they weren't truly at peace with making that or allowing that to happen. And so there's a lot more that goes on, on her end regarding sex than it goes on on his end. And I also believe that women are much more in their head.

• 1:03:26Stephan Speaks?

  About the situation that the man is, the man is.

• 1:03:28Lewis Howes?

  Analyzing it, they're analyzing, oh, if I don't do this, he's not gonna like me and bubba bubba.

• 1:03:32Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, exactly. Whereas I think the man's just excited, he's enjoying the moment, he's just getting it in. But she's thinking, yeah, is this, is this too soon? Am I, is he gonna like this? Whatever, you know, whatever. She's just processing so much, which adds to her inability to even fully enjoy it a lot of times. But yeah, it's definitely different. We're not wired the same when it comes to sex. We're just not.

• 1:03:56Lewis Howes?

  And do you think rebound relationships can work? Let's say you're in a relationship for six months, a year, a few years, 10 years. And you stayed in that relationship too long, you stayed in it because it became hard to get out. Or it was good on paper, whatever the reason is, you stayed it, you had kids, whatever the reason is. And then you get out and within six months, you find someone and you're married six months later. Is that something that is possible to rebound into the next relationship? And that could be your connection chemistry partner for long term? Or is that something, you know, people wait two to four years until they fully heal? And all this time and energy to get into it. What do you think?

• 1:04:40Stephan Speaks?

  It's absolutely possible. One, we have to understand that healing is less about time and it's more about the specific work you put in. If you go through the process and you do all the steps, then you can achieve healing in months. All right? People, people take years off and still never healed. So the time itself does nothing for you. With that said, the key is, has this new person genuinely surpassed how you felt about anyone else? See, I have a golden rule that you do not get in a new relationship if they have not surpassed whoever you had the strongest feelings for. They've got to pass that bar.

• 1:05:18Lewis Howes?

  What does that mean? So does that mean like the connection is so much stronger? The, the way you view them as higher, they add more value to your life?

• 1:05:26Stephan Speaks?

  Most importantly, it has to be the connection is stronger. That's most importantly. And so if you don't feel as strong as a connection, as strong as a desire, as strong as a draw to them, as you did with ever previous person, then you should not enter in that relationship. Because you, if you do, you will automatically have a void, a gap. Because it's, it's almost like you ate filet mignon and now you go have some spam. There's a huge gap there, alright? You might be able to survive eating the spam, alright? Because it satisfies your hunger, but you know how much better meat can taste. Because you had the filet mignon.

• 1:06:05Lewis Howes?

  You're not fully nourished.

• 1:06:06Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, and you'll never be fully satisfied. Because you had that better thing. So it's the same in relationships. If you've already experienced this higher level of connection, to go for anything beneath that, you will never be fulfilled and completely happy with it. You might survive for the first couple of years, but at some point, the smoke's gonna clear and you're gonna be like, man, what am I doing here?

• 1:06:29Lewis Howes?

  Is this applied to any previous relationships, chemistry and connection, or the previous one?

• 1:06:35Stephan Speaks?

  I say any. They've gotta surpass whoever held the highest position in your heart. Because I, I strongly believe that the majority of people are not married to the person they have the strongest feelings for.

• 1:06:48Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:06:49Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, and, and an even better test is ask yourself this. If you get with this new person, and that person that you've had stronger feelings for comes back into your life, will you be okay? A lot of people, if that person came back and was like, I love you, I made some mistakes, I want you back. It's not that they will automatically leave their new relationship, but they will be torn and conflicted. It will impact them. When you are really with the right person, that wouldn't faze you anymore. You'd be like, uh, please get out of here. I'm good. I'm, I'm doing amazing. I'm with the person I know is the one for me. But when they are the person you have the strongest feelings for and they come back, you're gonna be rattled.

• 1:07:31Lewis Howes?

  So I'm hearing you say that it's not as much the time in between relationships. It's the work, the process of acknowledgement, healing, letting go. Where you could meet someone within a couple of weeks, depending on like if you were already unwinding in the previous relationship for a year or two. You could find someone and be like, this connection is just, you can't get us apart. And you could jump right in.

• 1:07:59Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, absolutely.

• 1:08:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:00Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely.

• 1:08:01Lewis Howes?

  Can self-love ever be a bad thing in relationships? Or too much self-love in a relationship?

• 1:08:10Stephan Speaks?

  I don't think self-love in its true form can ever be a bad thing. It's just that some people hide their arrogance and being self-absorbed with the label of self-love.

• 1:08:23Lewis Howes?

  What's the difference between self-love and self-absorption?

• 1:08:26Stephan Speaks?

  All right, self-absorption is flat out being selfish. Who cares about how anyone else feels? It's all about you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you. All right, there's no consideration of other individuals. And you have no compromise in self-absorption. Self-absorption is it's my way or the highway. There's nothing else, there's no other way around that. Self-love is simply the act of, again, pouring positive energy into you. Being patient with yourself, you know, giving yourself what you need. It's a lot of self-care, but it doesn't have the inability to be compromising. It doesn't have the inability to consider other people's feelings. You know, it's almost like, okay, I'm gonna make sure I have what I need to eat.

• 1:09:11Stephan Speaks?

  But I can give you some food if you're hurting. You know what I'm saying? Well, self-absorbed is, forget you, this is all mine. Don't come near me, I got nothing for you. You know what I'm saying? It's very different. So to me, self-love, because love is pure. Love is a beautiful thing. And there's no way real love, whether it be of self or of others, can ever be bad. But too many people use the label of love to disguise other toxic energies, behaviors, and perceptions.

• 1:09:41Lewis Howes?

  If someone is feeling down and out and they can't get out of a funk and they've followed the process of a lot of bad habits and decisions and thoughts and words and all these things that have kept them down, what are five of the most common self-love practices that you've seen or you've coached with women? That you've seen elevate their relationship with themselves, increase their self-worth? And get back on track? What are those five key kind of self-love practices?

• 1:10:12Stephan Speaks?

  All right, so let me just say in advance that some of these will might be surprising to some people, but they really make a difference in self-love and getting yourself back on track. So number one is actually eating right.

• 1:10:26Stephan Speaks?

  I remember, I, I went to a counselor when I was, um, back in my college days. Um, and I remember the counselor telling me, listen, whenever you're going through something, the worst thing you could do is start to eat bad.

• 1:10:39Lewis Howes?

  That ice cream tastes so good, but that makes you feel so bad for the next 24 hours.

• 1:10:44Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. Because now, if you're already depressed, out, okay, for that moment that you're eating it, you may feel a little bit better. But the impact the sugar is gonna have on you, that crash you're gonna feel, the way it weighs you down, makes you more sluggish. You're only compounding the issue, alright? So, it's okay if you have a moment of eating whatever. But you, you, what your consistent diet needs to be is much healthier, because that will give you more energy. It will affect your mood, it affects your hormone levels, these things are important. So, being mindful of your eating habits and your overall diet is extremely important when it comes to self-love and breaking out of that funk.

• 1:11:28Lewis Howes?

  That's number one, I love that one.

• 1:11:30Stephan Speaks?

  Number two is getting some damn sleep, alright?

• 1:11:33Lewis Howes?

  I was just gonna say that, it's gotta be sleep.

• 1:11:36Stephan Speaks?

  That's really what, I mean, so many people are sleep deprived. And you know how hard it is to be positive and productive when you're tired and cranky?

• 1:11:44Lewis Howes?

  It's almost impossible.

• 1:11:46Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, exactly. So, getting a good night's rest, and that's the key. It's not just going to sleep, it's getting quality sleep. So, you wanna try to, uh, turn off electronics like 30 minutes before you go to bed. You, you, you wanna set an ambiance in your room that makes it more peaceful and easier for you to rest. You really wanna clear your mind, you don't wanna be stressing while you're sleeping, cuz that happens, alright? You got a million things running through your mind, you never really had peace even in your sleep. So, learning how to unwind properly before bed, having a set sleep schedule so you can get consistent hours of sleep. Days on, days out, or whatever, um, this is gonna be very important in helping you with your self-love.

• 1:12:31Stephan Speaks?

  And, and, and improving, you know, your overall quality of life, to be honest with you.

• 1:12:35Lewis Howes?

  Okay, number three?

• 1:12:37Stephan Speaks?

  Number three is creating boundaries in your life. So the problem a lot of times when we start to get down and out is that there are no boundaries, whether it be maybe with your kids, friends and family. So for example, let's say you're the person who's always helping everyone else. Now you're in this funk and you don't have anyone to turn to, but because you've established no boundaries, people keep trying to come to you and pull from you. And they don't stop to say, are you okay? Because they're used to you having it all together. They think you're always fine. So all they keep doing is taking, taking, taking. And if you don't set the boundary that says, listen, I'm not in a good place right now. I can't help you right now.

• 1:13:20Stephan Speaks?

  I love you, you know, I'm always there for you, but right now I need time for me. You've got to set that boundary. And again, I don't care if it's kids, family, hell, sometimes even your own partner. Letting your partner know, hey, you know what? Just give me a day to get myself together. I'm going to, I gotta process this. It's nothing about you, just trust me, let me do what I need to do. Sometimes we need that. So setting boundaries, being able to say no to people, that's huge in self-love. And again, don't confuse that with what I said earlier about being self-absorbed and selfish. It, when, when it's for self-preservation in the sense that you're drained and burnt out, it is necessary at that point.

• 1:14:01Lewis Howes?

  It's a must.

• 1:14:02Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. It's nothing selfish about it in that sense. You need it so you can recharge your batteries and then you can come back better than ever. And you can help whoever you want to help.

• 1:14:11Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely. Okay, so these are all, so far, these three things are not the typical things that you'd hear women talk about self-love, which is get a massage, get your nails done, go have some wine. So I'm hearing some contradictions which are inspiring for me because I think these are the healthy ways to create self-love. What's, what's number four and five?

• 1:14:30Stephan Speaks?

  So number four is, I think, creating, basically doing things you enjoy. So now this is where we can get into the massages and that nature. I do think there is a place for that in self-love and self-care because, again, you gotta put a smile on your face.

• 1:14:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:50Stephan Speaks?

  You gotta create happiness within you. So whether that's, again, going out to the park, going to a festival, whatever. I, I always suggest, again, you wanna add structure to your life to where you make sure you're always making this a priority. So whether it's once a week, maybe once a month, whatever, there has to be, I'm gonna do something for me. All right? Whatever that is, even, and, and I will share this, even for myself, I've had the hardest time doing something for me. Like buying myself a gift, or what do I like? And so like, I now I'm gonna make a budget and there's gonna be money set aside for play money. This is for me, that's it.

• 1:15:31Lewis Howes?

  Whatever you wanna do.

• 1:15:32Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 1:15:33Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:34Stephan Speaks?

  Don't worry about investments, don't worry about bills, this is just for me, burn through it all.

• 1:15:38Lewis Howes?

  Burn through your money.

• 1:15:41Stephan Speaks?

  You know?

• 1:15:42Lewis Howes?

  But it brings you enjoyment, it brings you fun, it brings you play, those things.

• 1:15:47Stephan Speaks?

  And it takes pressure off of you. We're so bombarded by bills, responsibility, I gotta do this, I gotta be, be wise with this. Yo, be free, just create, again, and if you don't have the budget for that, create time for it. But you need that time or budget, whatever, where you can just be free and live your life.

• 1:16:07Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, I love that.

• 1:16:07Stephan Speaks?

  Put a smile on your face.

• 1:16:09Lewis Howes?

  I love that. And what would you say is the fifth thing that we could do to increase our self-love?

• 1:16:14Stephan Speaks?

  So for me, it's gonna be about prayer and meditation. I feel like we overlook how much we are bombarded by in life. Um, and even something as simple as a morning routine, which would be perfect time to do prayer and meditation, would make a huge difference. Like I've noticed, um, and I remember even Jim Quick, who you've had on your show before.

• 1:16:37Lewis Howes?

  Yep.

• 1:16:38Stephan Speaks?

  He mentioned about like, when you wake up, don't jump straight to the phone, don't go straight to electronics. Take time in the morning to clear your mind, relax. So this is a great time to meditate, pray, stretch. All right. This can set the tone for the rest of your day. And again, it will help you elevate the energy in your body. It will help you be more positive. It will help you be more calm. It will eliminate all the, the brain fog you can experience when the minute you jump up, you gotta go take care of kids or you gotta run to the computer. You gotta run to your phone. Stop all that. And if it requires waking up a little bit earlier so you can have 30 minutes of peaceful time, prayer, meditation to yourself in the morning, then do that.

• 1:17:20Lewis Howes?

  Do that.

• 1:17:21Stephan Speaks?

  It is absolutely worth it.

• 1:17:22Lewis Howes?

  And go to bed a little earlier too. If you need to get more, you know, you want to make sure you get the right amount of sleep. Don't sacrifice sleep to do that. Just go to bed a little earlier.

• 1:17:31Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. Sacrifice that reality TV show.

• 1:17:34Lewis Howes?

  I know.

• 1:17:35Stephan Speaks?

  Unnecessary conversations. Sacrifice browsing through comment sections on social media that aren't doing you any favors. Let that go. Preserve yourself. Go to sleep. Get your rest. Pray, meditate, all that good stuff.

• 1:17:49Lewis Howes?

  I love that, man. Is there a different way to love yourself versus loving your partner, loving, loving others?

• 1:17:57Stephan Speaks?

  No, I think it's all the same. Because again, the, the foundational principles of love, being patient, kind, uh, uh, loving, compassionate, all these different things. You need to give that to you, just as you need to give that to your partner. Just as I want you to tap into your partner's needs, I want you to tap into your needs. You see, it's all the same. It makes no difference because love is love. It is consistent all the way around. So there is no difference in my eyes.

• 1:18:26Lewis Howes?

  When will you know if the relationship is over? Even if you have this incredible connection or chemistry, but for whatever reason you guys are, it's too much arguments, it's too much hurt, it's too much pain. When should you know that it's over?

• 1:18:41Stephan Speaks?

  When one or both parties isn't willing to do the work necessary to fix it. So if we come to the table and discuss the issues and this person wants to be dismissive, deflect and does not want to accept what needs to be done, relationship over. It doesn't mean. Things can't work out later, but there's no point in pushing through right now if that person's not willing to work with you. It doesn't make any sense, or if you're not willing to put in the necessary work. So if we come to the table and say, we need to both go to therapy if we're gonna make this work, and one or both of us is against it, then why are we still trying to have a relationship? Nothing's gonna work here.

• 1:19:23Stephan Speaks?

  We're gonna drag this along, add more damage to the relationship, add more damage to ourselves, and we're still gonna inevitably end in disaster. Better to cut the cord now, and if anyone ever has a revelation to where now they realize, I'm ready to put in the work, we can have a discussion at that time.

• 1:19:42Lewis Howes?

  Wow. What's the greatest skill an individual can develop before getting into a relationship? And what's the greatest skill they could develop during a relationship to ensure they have a thriving, happy, healthy relationship?

• 1:19:59Stephan Speaks?

  Effective communication. And I stress the word effective, because people think, well, I talked to them. No, you screamed, you lashed out, you insulted them, you attacked. That's not effective communication. And effective communication is not just expressing yourself, it's learning how to listen, learning how to process and receive what they're saying, learning how to put yourself in their shoes. Too many times, we reject what our partner says because we only wanna look at it from our angle. We have to put ourselves in their shoes for a moment and feel what they're feeling.

• 1:20:40Lewis Howes?

  I got a real question for you.

• 1:20:42Stephan Speaks?

  Okay.

• 1:20:43Lewis Howes?

  What if their shoes are wrong?

• 1:20:47Stephan Speaks?

  Well, listen, even if their shoes are wrong, we have to understand why they chose those shoes. Like, how did we get here? Why are you seeing it this way? So sometimes wrong is just a matter of perception, alright? For example, and I mentioned this on the last episode we had, where there was the guy, he had a girlfriend, they went to their, uh, his parents' house for a weekend, and uh, she, he didn't have any towels laid out for her when it was time to go to bed. And she blew up on him, because she said, you're never considerate of me, you never think of me. And he's like, damn, it's just a towel, what's the problem?

• 1:21:26Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:21:27Stephan Speaks?

  Now, in that moment... To him, she's being wrong, but she's wrong to him because your perception is it's about the towel. It's not about the towel. Listen to what she said. You never consider me. So now, why do you feel like I never consider you? Now, we can dig deeper into finding out. Now, she may say, because when this happened, you did this. When this happened, you did that. And you might say, oh, now I see why she feels that way. Because we got away from the surface of the towel. And we got into the deeper reasoning why she's in those shoes. All right? So that's what we have to do.

• 1:22:05Lewis Howes?

  It still takes effective, loving communication from the woman to bring it up and not attack as well.

• 1:22:12Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, and that's, that's, that's why I said, that's the key. You, we have to learn how to express ourselves in a calm, loving manner. The minute you attack someone, they will defend themselves. And their ability to receive what you're saying or how you're feeling is completely diminished. Because now they're in defense mode. And now their brain is scattered thinking about how to, how to, you know, get you off their back, so to speak. So if you come at them the right way, you speak calmly, lovingly. And again, even in you expressing your frustration, you have to put yourself in that other person's shoes as to why they're not seeing what you're saying right now. Because now, when you understand, they don't get it because of X, Y, Z.

• 1:22:55Stephan Speaks?

  I can adjust the way I'm delivering this message, or I can give you an example that helps you understand it. Like, me as a speaker, I believe one of the reasons why I'm successful is because I'm able to give analogies and examples that can connect with that person who may not understand this if I just spoke it in psychological terms or whatever the case may be. And so you have to learn how to bring the conversation to them, not just expecting them to take it as you want to give it.

• 1:23:25Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and also think to yourself, would you like it if my partner was doing this to me? Just coming at me for something that may seem small to them or seem small to me, but it's really about a bigger problem.

• 1:23:36Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 1:23:37Lewis Howes?

  So don't come at someone unless you want them to come at you in the same way, and you'll be fine with it.

• 1:23:43Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely.

• 1:23:44Lewis Howes?

  Are these principles in romantic partnerships? Can you apply some of these same principles in family member relationships, friends, colleagues, business relationships? Or do different relationships need to be treated differently?

• 1:24:00Stephan Speaks?

  No, it's again, it's all the same. The difference between romantic relationship and the other relationships is that, one, we're physically attracted to each other, alright? Physical attraction is like the main ingredient that takes us from being friends to being wanting to be lovers. But the core principles are the same with communication, expressing yourself in a loving, positive manner, putting yourself in their shoes. All of that stuff is the same, even in business. If you want to build better business relationships, you gotta learn how to listen, effectively communicate. It's no different. Be patient with them. Now, yes, the other difference between romantic relationship and the other ones is that we are fully committed to this person that we're with.

• 1:24:45Stephan Speaks?

  Like, I don't have to deal with my family member if I don't want to. I don't have to deal with this friend if I don't want to. But if you're my partner, I have to deal with you. So it's even more important for us to learn how to better engage with each other and, you know, get along better, communicate better and all these different things. Where, yes, that level of priority may not be on those other relationships, but the core principles are pretty much the exact same.

• 1:25:14Lewis Howes?

  I love this, man. So much value here, and I wanna, I wanna go forever. But I feel like this is a good bit of information for people to take with them and go to the next step. And obviously, they have a lot they can learn from you on your site, on your social media. You've got amazing books out there. You've got a podcast you're coming out with. So if people just follow you on social media, on your website, they can get a lot more information about this. What's the best place for people to go to?

• 1:25:45Stephan Speaks?

  Uh, go to my site, uh, stephonspeaks.com, find me on Instagram, Stephan Speaks, or Twitter, all social media at Stephan Speaks. And then just a quick mention for those who would be interested in learning about healing, and this is one specifically for the women. I do have something for the men coming, but it's not ready just yet. But for the women, healing, tapping into your feminine energy, finding your purpose, hearing God more clearly, is a special coaching program I have. They can go to receivingmyblessings.com to join the program.

• 1:26:15Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. So if you need some healing in your life, go to receivingmyblessings.com and check that out. In the previous time we had you on, we talked about your three truths and your definition of greatness. And I wanna, and I'm looking at them right here, but I want people to go back and listen to that episode. So you can hear that. And so many other things that we talked about there that can be your next action step as well to listen to Stefan on that. Cause I think that was some of the best content you've created was on that interview that we had together. But I would like to, uh, finish with asking a question. Where is Stefan in his relationship journey? And, and, and what's next for you in terms of have

• 1:26:56Lewis Howes?

  you found someone that you're exploring or dancing with? Or are you still waiting for that connection and chemistry to come?

• 1:27:03Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, I mean, I'm, I'm still in the midst of God's process of receiving that in my life. Um, I think the, the misconception by a lot of people is, well, if you know all this stuff, why aren't you in a relationship? But the thing is, it's not about being in a relationship, it's about being with the right person. And receiving the right person who you can align with, who fits with your purpose. Because for, for the men who are walking in purpose, for anyone walking in purpose, you can't align yourself with anybody. You get with the wrong person, that will derail everything. All right. So there's a lot, the stakes are higher. And there's also a lot more required when we want God to bless us with that amazing partner. There's a higher standard that's, that there's a higher standard set than what society has set as what's necessary. So with that said,

• 1:27:48Stephan Speaks?

  I, I just trust God's process and you know, remain open to that. I know the time will come. It's just about when he deems it ready. Um, and you know, just continue to do what I need to do to help others and, and be the light that others need right now.

• 1:28:03Lewis Howes?

  I love that, man. Well, you're an inspiration. We appreciate you, man. We'll hopefully we'll get you back on here soon in the future when people are struggling and still trying to figure out how to be in relationship, how to heal. But in the meantime, go check out our previous episode. Go check out Stefan Speaks on social media. If you enjoyed this, make sure to share it and tag Stefan and let him know that you thought this is helpful and inspiring and share this with some of your friends, guy friends, girlfriends, or anyone you think that could use this information in their life to help heal and be in great relationships. So Stefan, you're the man, brother. Appreciate you for being here. We'll talk to you soon.

• 1:28:38Lewis Howes?

  Oh, I hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank you so much for listening to it. And if it impacted you, if you got anything helpful out of this at all, please share this with a friend, post it on your social media pages, tag me and tag Stefan Speaks. Text a couple of people right now and say, hey, I was thinking about you and I thought you might enjoy this. Text on the link, lewishouse.com/994. Just copy and paste the link where you're listening to this over on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or anywhere you're listening to podcasts. And of course, if this is your first time here, or if you've listened to a thousand episodes of The School of Greatness, then make sure to click on that subscribe button right now on Apple Podcasts because it'll really help us spread the message to more people.

• 1:29:18Lewis Howes?

  So if you enjoyed it and you want to help me, all you gotta do is click that subscribe button and leave me a five star review. It would mean the world to me. And if you want inspirational messages every week from me, text the word PODCAST to 614-350-3960 and I'll send you text messages every week to help inspire you to achieve your dreams and go after what you want. And I want to leave you with this quote from Dr. Seuss, ooh, good old Dr. Seuss, who says, "You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." I hope you feel that soon, if you don't feel it right now. And I hope you continue to live a purposeful, meaningful life full of love and passion and joy.

• 1:30:01Lewis Howes?

  I'm so grateful for you. And if you haven't been told lately, you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. You know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.