The Self-Care Delusion: Why It Can't Fix Everything

Stuck using self-care as a quick fix for deeper dissatisfaction? Jonathan Fields' provocative spoken essay from his "Awake at the Wheel" Substack unmasks the dangerous self-care delusion trapping so many. Discover why fleeting "treat yourself" moments merely numb the real crisis - your life is fundamentally out of alignment with core values. This is an essential reality check about self-care's limits and the courageous self-inquiry required to realign your increasingly frantic modern life. You can find Jonathan's new writing project: Awake at the Wheel https://jonathanfields.substack.com/ | Instagram https://www.instagram.com/jonathanfields/ | Episode Transcript https://www.goodlifeproject.com/podcast/substack-self-awareness-self-love-and-being-true-to-yourself If you LOVED this episode you'll also love the written essays from this episode. You can find them at Awake at the Wheel https://jonathanfields.substack.com/. Check out our offerings & partners: Visit Our Sponsor Page For Great Resources & Discount Codes https://www.goodlifeproject.com/sponsors/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jonathan Fields?

  So a few months ago, I shared a spoken word roundup, narrating five of the most popular essays from my personal newsletter and publication, Awake at the Wheel. Now, the response was just really great and I had a lot of fun performing them, too. So I figured, maybe every few months or so, I'd share a bit of an update. So today's special solo episode is, let's call it Spoken Word Roundup Number Two. The name of my little online writing oasis is Awake at the Wheel, and that's a bit of a nod to a blog that I used to write back in the early 2000s. And it's where I now write weekly in a much more personal and long-form way. And at the end of each one of these pieces, I always include what I call my wake-up call. And that's

• 0:45Jonathan Fields?

  an invitation to explore a question, or take action designed to help you feel more alive and less alone, which I feel like we could all use a little more of these days. So today, I'm sharing five new spoken word essays, a few of which cause a little bit of a stir. One is about the delusion of self-care. The next asks the question, why are so many self-aware people still so miserable? The third invites you to stop trying to always be so good and focus on something else. Now, the fourth one is about the dark side of focusing on what you want to become. And the final one is pretty much a short and sweet piece that I call the curable ache of not loving. So if you're moved by what you hear, or you'd

• 1:30Jonathan Fields?

  love to spend more time with them, you can read these essays, take your time moving through them, along with the wake-up call prompts over at my Awake at the Wheel newsletter. You'll find a link in the show notes. So excited to share this collection with you. I'm Jonathan Fields, and this is Good Life Project.

• 1:53Speaker 01

  With no fees or minimums on checking accounts, it's no wonder the Capital One Bank guy is so passionate about banking with Capital One. If he were here, he wouldn't just tell you about no fees or minimums. He'd also talk about how most Capital One cafes are open seven days a week to assist with your banking needs. Yep, even on weekends. It's pretty much all he talks about, in a good way. What's in your wallet? Terms apply. See CapitalOne.com/bank. Capital One, N.A., Member FDIC.

• 2:26Jonathan Fields?

  Good Life Project is sponsored by Stihl. So, I am not in the studio today. I'm actually out on the trail in the Rockies at about 6,000 feet above sea level in Boulder. The leaves are exploding with color and it's just stunning out. And yes, I'm wearing my favorite Stihl hat. And just last night, I was wearing one of my favorite Stihl jackets, which, if you know me, is not unusual. I wear the hat almost every day and my Stihl jackets pretty much live on me all fall and winter. There's even a Stihl shop back in town, practically in my backyard. Here is why I love them. Stihl is designed and tested in Jackson Hole at the base of the Tetons by locals who ski and bike and hike and climb and fish there pretty much every day. They have been at it since 2011, so they know warmth and they

• 3:10Jonathan Fields?

  also know style. Everything I have from them, it works great, it holds up in every condition, and also looks awesome. And their hometown down is 800 filled down, but it feels more like just your favorite hoodie than a puffy. And ski season is almost here, so gear up now the way that the locals do. Go to stihl.com/goodlife for 20% off your order. That's S-T-I-O.com/goodlife. Stihl.com/goodlife. Stihl, designed and tested in Jackson Hole. Good Life Project is supported by Ernesto rugs. So, a small confession, our front porch has been the most neglected corner of our home since we moved in. It's the first thing anyone steps onto and it's been kind of greeting people with a sad

• 3:51Jonathan Fields?

  too small mat. Ernesta sent me their samples and now they're making us a rug. And the cool thing is for $10, you get five oversized 12 by 12 samples. So you see the colors at real scale in your own space before you even get it. So we lived with all five colors for a few days and cool morning light and golden afternoon light. And we're sure to be roused on the sky, but Caldwell just kind of kept quietly winning. The thing you're certain about isn't always the thing that fits. And because Ernesta rugs are custom size, cut to the ins, the one we ordered is made to our exact six and a half feet by nine feet space, not close enough. Visit ernesta.com and order five samples for only $10 and you'll

• 4:32Jonathan Fields?

  get $50 toward any rug of your choice. That's E R N E S T A dot com.

• 4:40Jonathan Fields?

  Hey, so let's dive in with our first piece and it's called the self-care delusion. So this time last year, I was in a lot of pain and I kept it private, even though the evidence was pretty visible in the early days. Shingles wrapped around the left side of my face and head, even on my eyelid. And thankfully, it wasn't inside my eye. Ended up in the emergency room. It was pretty brutal. Not so much the rash, that was mercifully mild, but the nerve pain and the hypersensitization, the slightest breeze against my scalp felt like an electric current being shot across my head. And every time I blinked, I was

• 5:22Jonathan Fields?

  reminded I wasn't okay. Took four months and mega doses of nerve meds to finally wash out of me. Thankfully, it did. And then hiking with a friend on the tail end of recovery, we're just kind of catching up on life. And he turns to me and says, dude, you're like the chillest person I know. How did this happen to you? And I spent a lot of time actually thinking about that. I'm not someone who typically buys into the age old, personal development trope that everything happens for a reason. Honestly, sometimes bad or hard stuff is just bad or hard.

• 6:02Jonathan Fields?

  But for some reason, this felt different. Something about this particular happening led me to believe there was, in fact, a message being delivered, something to be learned. Now, shingles, if you're new to this delightful midlife condition, is a reemergence of the chickenpox virus. And I'm of a generation where we all had it when we were kids. The virus has been in me my whole life, laying dormant, apparently waiting. And when it comes back as shingles, it travels through the nerves, inflaming and at times creating long-term, even permanent damage.

• 6:42Jonathan Fields?

  The opening move is a rash, but it's the nerve stuff with no clear expiration date that really gets you, both physically and psychologically. Having no idea if, how, and when you'll recover, not fun. It made me curious. Why does it find a way to smack you again, often decades later in life? And no one knows for sure, but it's commonly agreed that stress, along with a dysregulated nervous or immune system, play a meaningful role. Which is where my friend's question came from. He was basically saying, you always seem so relaxed, so capable of navigating life. Even when you've got a lot of plates spinning and things are hard,

• 7:27Jonathan Fields?

  you're the one who seems to have everything dialed in. The one who even talks and writes about how to do that and interviews the greatest minds in the space. So like, um, WTF, man? And by then, I had been asking the same question. What was happening within me that led my system to crash on a level that had let this nasty bug rear its ugly head? Was there some message that I needed to listen to in order to avoid a bigger and scarier one down the road? What was I missing? My relationships were deep and strong. I'd been taking better care of my body, eating cleaner, taking all the right supplements, tracking my sleep and my steps

• 8:12Jonathan Fields?

  and heart rate variability. I had a longstanding mindset practice and hiking and meditating and breathwork were part of the mix for years. Living in nature was a daily bomb. I'd become more or less a walking, talking self-care cliche. And still. My system crashed hard enough to let this happen. What about my work? So in the months leading up to it, I'd been, let's see, running two companies, producing two podcasts, three episodes a week, mapping out a return to high production video, working on a book, developing a new suite of products for the Sparkle type brand, facilitating a three-month professional certification while redesigning it mid-flight,

• 8:56Jonathan Fields?

  starting to think about the visual mixed art media I wanted to return to and speaking. Nah, I was fine, except for one major thing. It was wrecking me. And any of these would have been a full-time endeavor. I'd have been joyfully immersed in the process of creation, centering my inner maker on a level that let me lose myself in the process in the best of ways, and close the gap between taste and expression, working hard, but also working well. And therein lay the problem. I wasn't doing any one. I was doing all at once. So my maker's mantra has always been, fewer things, better.

• 9:41Jonathan Fields?

  I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, I'm happiest, most productive, most alive, when I'm not juggling a shit ton of big projects and instead just pouring myself into one, maybe two. Three at the most, if that last one is more of a minor jam. And I was violating one of my cardinal rules. Doing many things worse, not poorly, but for sure not well either. At least nowhere near what I knew any given project was capable of becoming, nor anywhere near the level of creation that made me feel good and connected or nourished by purpose and possibility.

• 10:24Jonathan Fields?

  The insanity of the load I had taken on was dizzying and the weight of it all crushing. And my wife noticed I got a bit ornery, or at least depleted in the month leading up to it, and mentioned it to me and, "Was I happy with my work?" she asked. And they told her, you know, not exactly. If I'd been doing any one or two things and not the other 10 hundred zillion, I'd actually be pretty happy and fulfilled. But too much of even a good thing can become a bad thing. I was tipping into obsession and overwhelm and then burnout, still not listening.

• 11:08Jonathan Fields?

  So my body decided to send me a love tap, me capping me with nerve pain, ensuring I'd have a months-long reminder to keep me honest as I reimagined my work and life, brought me to a powerful realization. I've got self-care practices out the wazoo, but you cannot self-care your way out of a fundamental misalignment in a core area of your life. Relationships are one of those areas. If you're tethered to a toxic person, you can't meditate or journal that away. Same for mental and physical health. If you have a condition, syndrome, or disability that requires certain fundamental choices,

• 11:53Jonathan Fields?

  interventions, support, accommodations, or lifestyle adaptations to be well, doing everything but those things won't cut it. Work is one of those core areas, too, which is where I was falling down. So sure, I was doing a lot of, quote, "maker work," which on the surface was really well-aligned with the kind of work that makes me come alive. But the way I was doing it, the mode, was where things just fell apart, where the fundamental misalignment was. And all the veggies, meditating, breathwork, and hiking couldn't fix this. In fact, in a weird way, I've come to believe my self-care deluge may have unwittingly,

• 12:38Jonathan Fields?

  at least in part, masked the slow-motion shingles car crash that was setting up inside me. My practices were so good, they let me keep telling the story of, oh, all is good, I can take this, even if it's way past my normal happy place. They let me believe I could push a lot farther into a core misalignment than I ever should have gone before finally tapping me on the face and telling me, yeah, dude, no, self-care doesn't make up for the damage done by violating a core norm, value, belief, or way of being, nor does it compensate for the profound dilution of purpose, meaning,

• 13:20Jonathan Fields?

  connection, and joy that we invite when we do what we believe to be the right things, but in the wrong way. So now, over a year later, have I fixed all the work mode misalignments? Am I doing fewer things better now? Well, I did for a hot minute, maybe even a hot few months. During my four-month recovery, I had a constant reminder, in the form of physical pain, of what happens when I go work-life dark side. But I've been lying if I said that I hadn't found myself drifting back into overlapping big-project-maker mode lately. It's not that any given project is bad. Some of the things that I've added to the

• 13:59Jonathan Fields?

  space I cleared last year are incredibly exciting. It doesn't matter. Too many good things that require my energy to make them meaningfully manifest all at once is still a bad thing. So I'm getting back into sort of rejiggering mode, to trying to figure out what really needs to happen, in what order and why. What's a now thing, and a then thing, and maybe a never thing, and then spreading out the timeframe to allow me to work my way back to fewer things better, and adding that new mantra into my mix. You cannot self-care your way out of a fundamental misalignment in the core area of your life.

• 14:47Jonathan Fields?

  And here's the wake up call connected to this. And if it's the first time you're listening to one of these, at the end of each one of these short essays from my Awake at the Wheel newsletter, I end with a little wake up call, a call to action, to see if we can actually think about and then do something about the idea, the seed that we've just planted. So this is considering the two mantras, fewer things better, and you cannot self-care your way out of a fundamental misalignment in a core area of your life. Remember, it's not just the content of the things we're doing, but also the way we're doing them that leads either to a sense of alignment and flourishing, or misalignment and dysfunction. So think about what's going on in your life right now, especially in the domain of work.

• 15:32Jonathan Fields?

  Ask yourself how commitments and efforts line up with those two mantras. Are you doing fewer things better, or more things worse? Or have you found a truly nourishing and sustainable middle ground? And if so, by the way, can you please help me and tell me how? If you're in the more things worse land, what's that doing for you and to you? What changes might you make, not just to your self-care, but to fundamentally realign what you're doing with who you are and what makes you come alive? So take a little time, noodle on it, journal on it, and if you're inclined, go ahead and share it wherever it feels good for you. And we'll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

• 16:15Jonathan Fields?

  Good Life Project is sponsored by Talkiiatry. So you know that moment when you finally say, okay, I need some help? That takes courage. And then you start calling psychiatrists and hear, we're not taking new patients, or our next opening is months away. Talkiiatry exists to change that. Unlike therapy-only platforms, Talkiiatry is psychiatry. It's a 100% online practice where a medical provider can diagnose conditions like anxiety, ADHD, depression, and more, and prescribe medication when it's appropriate. All 800-plus clinicians are in-network with major insurers. Take a short assessment, get matched, and have your first visit in days, not months. More than 300 300,000 patients have already found care through Talkiatry.

• 17:00Jonathan Fields?

  So head to talkiatry.com/goodlife to complete the short assessment and get matched with an in-network psychiatrist in just a few minutes. That's T-A-L-K-I-A-T-R-Y.com/goodlife to get matched in minutes. Talkiatry.com/goodlife. Good Life Project is supported by Kachava. So I used to think being salty was reserved for bad moods and pretzels, but lately I have come to realize that a little salty edge actually makes life and especially dessert way more interesting. Any pastry chef will tell you that a pinch of salt isn't there to ruin the party, it's there to make the sweet parts just really shine, which is exactly what Kachava pulled off with their new salted caramel. First sip, I actually laughed.

• 17:44Jonathan Fields?

  It's that good, rich caramel, a little salty edge, and none of the sugary drawbacks. And it's still the Kachava that I count on. Two scoops for complete nutrition with plant-based protein, fiber, greens, and so much more. No artificial flavors, colors, or sweeteners, no fillers, no nonsense, which if you're feeling a little salty yourself is kind of the point. Embrace your salty side. Go to kachava.com and use the code GOODLIFE for 15% off your order. That's kachava, K-A-C-H-A-V-A dot com, code GOODLIFE.

• 18:20Speaker 01

  With no fees or minimums on checking accounts, it's no wonder the Capital One Bank guy is so passionate about banking with Capital One. If he were here, he wouldn't just tell you about no fees or minimums. He'd also talk about how most Capital One cafes are open seven days a week to assist with your banking needs. Yep, even on weekends, it's pretty much all he talks about, in a good way. What's in your wallet? Terms apply. See CapitalOne.com/Bank. Capital One, N.A., Member FDIC.

• 18:53Jonathan Fields?

  Now, next up, we've got our second essay here, turned into a spoken word piece for the purposes of this particular podcast. And it asks a big question. Why are so many self-aware people so miserable? So, we talk about self-awareness as this gorgeous thing. And it is. But it also has a dark side. To know who we are, to be aware of our true nature, presence, gifts, desires, strengths, values, traits, tells, and smells, all the yada, yada that makes us uniquely us. Knowing these, it's a good thing, right?

• 19:35Jonathan Fields?

  Self-awareness gives us the raw data to better align our actions with our essence, to step into and bring that gorgeous, essential being-ness to the world, to see and be seen as we are, for who and what we are, to step out of the fog into the light and live as the person we know ourselves to be. And riddle me this. Why do so many self-aware people still live stifled lives? I have wondered about this for years. I'd see it all the time when I was more deeply embedded in the world of meditation and yoga. You know, people would show up for class, do retreats, develop practices, journal, read, listen to, watch, all the things.

• 20:19Jonathan Fields?

  "I know myself much better," they'd say. And they did. Still, their lives didn't miraculously just change. They didn't become these beacons of authentic self-expression and joy and connection. Not infrequently, they'd even tumble into a darker reality. So, it turns out, just because we know, doesn't mean we glow. Awareness is the gateway to a more fully-realized life. But it's not that life itself. It helps you see more clearly the truth of who and what you are. But it doesn't magically empower you to bring what you see to the world, to live as that person.

• 21:06Jonathan Fields?

  In fact, there's a potential dark side to becoming self-aware that kind of nobody talks about. It tends to reveal how truly weird we are. Rather than celebrate that, we're rattled by it. The more we own our oblong essence, all those circle-shaped spaces we've been trying to fit our old veiled selves into in the name of belonging, including the big fat one designated in our own hearts for our beloved facade, they no longer fit. That's uncomfortable. So we start to judge our weird and worry about how others will perceive the closer-to-the-bone humans that we know ourselves to be. Self-awareness, it turns out, often invites

• 21:51Jonathan Fields?

  an evil twin: self-judgment, which for many tips into fear, censorship, and self-loathing with alarming ease. So what do we do about that? Do we just stay unaware? Well, I mean, it's safer, but also for most relentlessly heavy. Not the answer. What if instead, we built a toolbox to support our own newly laid bare selves as they endeavored to take the lead in our lives? What might be in that toolbox, that kit? Now, one of the tools, I'd venture, would be self-esteem.

• 22:35Jonathan Fields?

  Awareness is the seed of self-expression. Esteem is the water that allows it to flower. Okay, cool, cool, but isn't self-esteem just kind of bullshit? Well, kind of, but also kind of not. So let's start with a question. What is self-esteem?

• 22:57Jonathan Fields?

  It's often defined as confidence in your worth or abilities. I don't believe confidence is the right word. And abilities makes it a bit too surface level for me. So here's my twist. Self-esteem is a deep, internal knowing that who you are, regardless of skill or ability, has worth. You don't need trophies. You don't need praise. You don't need validation. You just know. And when we have this, it becomes far easier to live as the people our self-awareness practices reveal us to be.

• 23:36Jonathan Fields?

  So how do we get self-esteem then? That's a bit more complicated. The challenge isn't the who you are regardless of skill or ability has worth part. That is universally endowed to all at birth. The real struggle for most people is that first part, a deep, internal knowing. How do we arrive at a place where we take ourselves seriously enough, love ourselves deeply enough, and own our value fully enough to feel equipped, excited even, to let our newly self-aware weird selves meet the world? And while you're noodling on that, how do we also not anoint ourselves so divinely

• 24:19Jonathan Fields?

  or love ourselves so blindly that we become self-important, pompous, overbearing assholes? Lovely little dance, right? And it's not quite over. So strangely, this seeming inside game, the one where we just shouldn't care what others think, is wildly affected by the way those around us perceive us, welcome us, or reject us. As long as we choose to live among humans, and some days I question that, by the way, social dynamics, risk of judgment and rejection, will always be a part of the equation of how we feel about who we are, at least for the vast majority of our lives.

• 25:02Jonathan Fields?

  And somewhere in that inner and outer soup lies self-esteem. There are tomes written on this topic, especially in the context of kids. And a debate rages about building self-esteem based not on demonstrated merit or internal knowing, but on lavish and universal praise. Everyone gets a trophy. It's all about waking ourselves up and then building ourselves up. But I often wonder about a different side of esteem here. What if self-esteem was as much about building ourselves down as it was building ourselves up? So this is where the great exhale of levity meets the quest to love ourselves more fully.

• 25:47Jonathan Fields?

  What if, rather than doing all we can to elevate ourselves to the level of demigod, we actually stepped into the fact that very often, nobody's really looking, not even us? What if our finely honed sense of self-awareness forgot to tell us that we may be the center of our universe, but not so much the universe? That if we show our true glorious aware selves to the world, and we will over and over and over, there might not be a whole lot of people hanging around to judge us or even see us. And even if there are, with the average attention span raising somewhere between that of a bat and a gnat, that raised eyebrow, nasty Insta comment, or internal chatter

• 26:31Jonathan Fields?

  will very likely be whisked into judgment loss sock land before we even realize, nobody cares anymore if they ever even did. What if we discovered we just didn't matter anywhere near the level we thought? Terrifying, maybe, but also freeing. What if we are a beautiful yet fleeting calamity of consciousness in a vast sea of humanity, and maybe it'd be okay to take ourselves just a little less seriously? What if we can still be respected, loved, do great work, love ourselves, but still not be center of the universe important in the lives of every person whose approval

• 27:15Jonathan Fields?

  we misguidedly seek to build our self-worth upon?

• 27:21Jonathan Fields?

  What if not so many people are lining up to judge us, let alone witness us? And that was actually okay? Can you even imagine what you might do or try or make if you knew nobody was looking? Or at least far fewer people than you imagined? What if part of the answer was less about building ourselves up? And more about just lightening up? It's funny, for some reason, when I think about the embodiment of this, Kate Hudson's character Penny Lane from the movie Almost Famous comes to mind. It was the moment Penny turns to a 16-year-old William Miller. He'd been posing as a journalist on the band bus, trying like hell to be respected.

• 28:06Jonathan Fields?

  But that point, he just wanted to be home. She gazes deeply into his eyes, the corner of her mouth rising into that muse-like grin as she fans her fingers out before him. Poof, she offers, "You are home." What if it was just that easy? What if home, being at peace with who you are, was this place, these people, this moment, minus the stifling self-imposed self-importance we tend to bring to it? What if, just for a day, we could point the spotlight somewhere else, like, nobody was watching? Even if they were? What if we could take ourselves just a bit more lightly?

• 28:51Jonathan Fields?

  We just might discover something. Unedited, unadorned, unfiltered, you and your bad, self-aware, weird self are enough. Always were, always will be. No one else can give that to you or take it from you. And lightening up is as much a part as building it up and then letting it out. So as always, just noodling on ideas, not preaching a truth no one really knows. Curious, what's your take?

• 29:27Jonathan Fields?

  And that wraps up this piece, but we'll wrap it up as always with my wake up call, short call to action. So think about a moment where even for a hot second, you took yourself a little less seriously. How did that feel? Where were you? What were you doing? Who were you with? How might you create more moments of nonjudgmental lightness in your days? Think on it, journal about it. And if you're inclined, share it with somebody else. And if you'd like to reread this as always, or really spend more time thinking about this comment and share it with others, head on over to Awaken at the Wheel and check it out and then share your thoughts.

• 30:10Jonathan Fields?

  And that brings us to spoken word essay number three, a little piece called, Don't Try to Be Good, Be True.

• 30:23Jonathan Fields?

  It's 4:30 a.m. and I am not sleeping. For years, people have told me they love listening to the Good Life Project podcast. I learn so much. Your voice is so soothing. It just puts me right to sleep. Always wonder how to respond to that last part, by the way. My version is the lovely and learned insight teacher Tara Brock, who I have had the great pleasure of interviewing, just so alive with kindness and wisdom. But when I listen to her podcast, I learn a bit and then I'm pretty much out, like Tylenol PM with a lesson. Sarah, Tara, I love you. So I decided to listen to Tara's recent interview with Colorado poet, Rosemary Watola Trummer, hoping it'll put me back to sleep.

• 31:08Jonathan Fields?

  It's a moving conversation rooted in an exploration of grief. And Rosemary reads from her new book of poems, The Unfolding. Before she gets there, though, she shares a bit about her impulse toward poetry, why she writes and shares a poem a day and has for many years. The practice began in 2006 as a dare from a friend. Write a poem a day for 30 days and then send it to two friends who would do the same. It continues, but to a larger community to this day. And here's where she adds in her words. What I learned in those first 30 days was that I couldn't write something good every day.

• 31:51Jonathan Fields?

  This was something that had been really important to me, to write something good before that, which meant I often didn't write at all. So when I started writing every day and realized, oh, you can't write something good every day, I started to realize, well, then what am I doing? And it shifted the whole reason for writing. And even maybe just the way I showed up at a piece of paper. And I thought, okay, could I write something true every day? And that I could do. It opened everything up about it as a practice. And it began changing the way I saw the world. And ultimately, over the years, I've come to decide or to know that the poem itself

• 32:33Jonathan Fields?

  is this byproduct and that the real practice is sitting with a blank page and wondering, what's there? What's true? What's the next true thing? I think if it weren't that, I couldn't possibly have continued. But that is infinitely sustainable. So hearing this, I'm lying in bed 4:30 in the morning and I start to tear up. Maybe it's the fact that actually it's now 4:38 in the morning. I'm still awake craving something sweet and questioning if I have to pee. Still, I feel the deepest nooks in my being just exhale.

• 33:13Jonathan Fields?

  As a maker, a writer, a creator, someone who feels and in turn expresses not only as a way to share my inner life, but also an attempt to weave a thread of collective experience that might help others feel less alone. I so get this. Good is hard. As someone with a clearly defined or unmeatable sense of taste and an often indefensible bent towards closing the gap between what I feel and my ability to share it in a way that meets taste's bar, I can be wildly unforgiving to myself. Not good enough was a common theme of my youth, still is. Now, not in the imposed voice of a mother, father, teacher, preacher.

• 33:58Jonathan Fields?

  This voice comes and came from within, though with age.

• 34:03Jonathan Fields?

  It's definitely finding more kindling for grace along the way. Rosemary's words, "I can't always be good, but I can always be true, change something in me, for me." What if the metric was true, not good? That bar, I can meet far more readily and consistently. Even on days when my head is pounding, I'm burned out, cranky, overtired, and woefully under-chocolated, often the reason for all of the above, by the way. In those moments, I'm not capable of good, but true? Sure. Not a day goes by where I can't honestly take a beat to feel, to witness, to inhabit,

• 34:48Jonathan Fields?

  then encant what is real for me, to give it words, my words, and then if I choose, give it away. I mean, what a relief to believe that just might be enough, not only as a maker and a writer, but as a father, a husband, a brother, a son, a friend, a co-creator, a human trying to be. What if the measure of your unfolding was truth, not excellence? What if life's invitation was not to fly higher, but to get closer to the bone? And that's what I'm thinking about today.

• 35:29Jonathan Fields?

  And for the wake-up call, take a beat, take a breath, look around, listen, feel, then go inside, right? Ask yourself, what is real for you in this moment? What is true? Big thing, little thing, it doesn't matter. Don't worry about whether you feel skilled or resource to offer it in a way that makes others feel or clears the bar your judgy inner critic sets. Don't worry about whether it's good, artful, beautiful, just notice. What is real? What is true? What is alive for you? Give it words, speak it, write it, then reflect on it, not whether it's good, but simply

• 36:13Jonathan Fields?

  true. If it is, that's enough. And as always, if you're inclined to share what's coming up, then go ahead, share it with others, or head back over to Awake at the Wheel and share it in our beautiful comment community there. And we'll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

• 36:33Jonathan Fields?

  Good Life Project is sponsored by Bombas. So my wife Stephanie has been one of the great gift givers in our family. And her secret is that the best gifts often aren't the flashy ones. So the ones that people reach for on any given day without even thinking about it. That's why so much of my list ends up at Bombas. Fuzzy Sunday slippers for the friend who lives in sweatpants from November to March. Marina wool and cashmere blend socks for anyone who runs cold. That would be me, by the way. Ski and running socks for the ones who refuse to slow down. Also me, by the way. And water resistant suede booties. So cushy. My executive producer Lindsay actually more or less lives in hers. And here's what else makes it a good life kind of gift. For every item you purchase, Bombas donates an essential clothing item to someone facing

• 37:17Jonathan Fields?

  housing insecurity. One purchased, one donated. Over 200 million donations and counting. So every gift you give is really two. So head over to Bombas.com/goodlife and use the code GOODLIFE for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S dot com slash good life. Code GOODLIFE at checkout. Good Life Project is sponsored by Vinted. So here's a question that I have been sitting with. How many things in your closet were bought for, let's say, a version of you who never quite showed up? Maybe it's the tailored jacket for the dinners you were going to go to, or someday pieces with the tag still on them. They're lovely clothes. They're just not yours anymore. That's where Vinted comes in.

• 38:00Jonathan Fields?

  So Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where everyday people sell the clothes that they're not wearing to people who actually will. Listening on Vinted is quick and simple. You take a few photos, write a short description, and you're done. Once something sells, Vinted creates the prepaid shipping label for you. There are also no seller fees on Vinted. So whatever your piece sells for, you keep. What I love about that is how it turns letting go into something that actually feels good. You get more room, a little extra money, and maybe a closet that reflects who you are right now. So see what's hiding in your closet. You might be surprised how much you can earn with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free and start listing with no seller fees so you keep everything you earn. This message is brought to you by Apple Card.

• 38:43Jonathan Fields?

  Ah, fall, that cozy season where we swap the swimwear for sweaters and sunnies for scars. But before the Halloween decorations are put away or Thanksgiving table has been set, there's already holly jolly music playing in the grocery store, reminding you that the year is coming to a close. Time to kick end of year into high gear. When you use Apple Card with Apple Pay, you earn 2% daily cash back on all purchases, including food, decorations, gifts, and more. Get a head start on your end of year purchases. Apply for your Apple Card in the Wallet app on your iPhone today and start using it right away with Apple Pay. Subject to credit approval, Apple Card is issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA Salt Lake City Branch.

• 39:27Jonathan Fields?

  Terms and more at applecard.com.

• 39:32Jonathan Fields?

  And next up, we have got a spoken word piece that I call "The Three Delusions of Becoming and How to Avoid Them." So there's a lot of talk in the world of personal growth and spirituality about the process of becoming. Who do you want to become? What kind of person do you want to be? What kind of life do you want to live? Now, there's nothing wrong with thinking about how you want to show up and feel down the road, how you want your sense of self and your world to unfold, whether through intentional act, or allowing, or some organic blend.

• 40:16Jonathan Fields?

  We love to believe that we have agency in the shape of our evolving identities and lives and what they take. And to a certain extent, we do. My own 2x20 project, which I've shared recently, is built upon the notion that the future is not entirely an act of hope and faith. That said, the way we often seek to create that future, to become, can be pretty fraught. Enter the three delusions of becoming. So number one, elevating control over serendipity.

• 40:55Jonathan Fields?

  It's tempting, once we realize we have some level of choice in how we live and grow, to believe that we can just entirely control it. So if I can decide X, then do Y, the outcome will be Z. For certain, very simple, short-term, kind of me-focused aspect of life, sure, that can work. I mean, if I brush and floss daily, safe bet, I'll have better dental health and hopefully breath, both today and long-term, winning.

• 41:27Jonathan Fields?

  But once we move beyond simple acts, short timeframes, and experiences that involve only us, when we bring in more of the truth of interaction with people and our environment, control is more of an illusion than anything else. Even if we could lock down what we think and do on an individual level, we have a limited ability to do the same when it comes to those around us, or the litany of micro and macro elements of the world that we inhabit, and that in turn inhabit us. Truth is, we spend our lives in a divine pinball game. Someone else pulls the lever that rockets us into the madness, and then we stand, fingers on flipper buttons,

• 42:12Jonathan Fields?

  trying to make magic happen, enjoy ourselves, and play for as long as possible while bumping up against, ricocheting and bouncing off all manner of doodads, bands, bumpers, divots and shoots. Now, imagine a thousand other balls, each representing another person, all in the same game, fighting for control over the flippers. This is the full, glorious, catastrophic reality of life. We exist in an ever-changing calamity of circumstances, places and people, all led by their own aspirations, senses of taste and identity, needs and desires, relational styles and quests,

• 42:53Jonathan Fields?

  to not just stay alive, but rack up points and go for a new high. Much as we might believe, and actually sometimes do control some aspects of our own play, trying to lock down the rest is a fool's game, a fast track to tilt. Control, especially at scale, is an illusion. Fighting against this, trying to manufacture a level of certainty that can never be found, is an exercise in futility. The more we seek control, the more we build our lives around something that can never be had, the more we suffer by our own hands.

• 43:33Jonathan Fields?

  But there's something else. We don't actually want to control every aspect of our lives, present or future. Life's greatest moments invariably unfold in the wake of the unknown. Sure, some of what can become the scariest moments of life are the things we didn't see coming, then, once apparent, we don't want. What Bruce Feiler calls "life quakes" that shake and change us. Illness or injury, loss of a loved one, getting fired. We'd love to do whatever we can to avoid them, to control or at least minimize the likelihood of their arrival. And sometimes we can, other times we can't.

• 44:12Jonathan Fields?

  But the unforeseeable and uncontrollable part of life isn't all about the bad stuff. When we infect the process of becoming with too much control, beyond the inviting of futility and trying to live into an impossible ideal, we unwittingly crowd out the space needed for a depth and volume of goodness that can and will only manifest when we loosen our hold on the reins of certainty. So much of what gives life meaning and joy and aliveness is about what happens when we surrender and let predictability yield to serendipity.

• 44:52Jonathan Fields?

  When we allow life and our own sense of self to unfold in ways we never could have anticipated, in ways that lead to enduring love and laughter, adventure, growth, creative expression, unbridled moments or seasons of abject joy and connection and presence. Still, that's not the only downside to a control-driven relentless attempt to become. Which brings us to that delusion of becoming number two.

• 45:24Jonathan Fields?

  Living in the friction of push rather than the lushness of pull. So I tend to see life as a blend of impulses to think, to feel, and do. And these lead to experiences, relationships, and stories that define not only the moments, but the seasons and eventually the narrative arc of our lives. Our impulses can be loosely divided into push and pull. Now, the push is about force, will. These are the impulses that lead us to want to make things happen, often without regard to what our lives want for us. We may make them happen and get what we want, but the journey requires almost constant aggression.

• 46:08Jonathan Fields?

  So will this approach help you check boxes on the list of items that seemingly represent a life well-lived? Well, maybe, but still, it is a brutally hard way to live. Everything is you against something or someone else. It's just exhausting. Living in the push annihilates ease. Do we sometimes need to step into that mode? Well, sure, but to live there? No. Then there's the other side, the pull impulses. These are the ones that often start as whispers, curiosities. They speak to us, nudge us toward certain experiences, activities, and relationships in ways that we can't easily explain.

• 46:53Jonathan Fields?

  We step into them for no other reason than the way they make us feel. Now, sometimes they even lead us to pay for the opportunity to do things others get paid to do. The more we say yes, the louder the whisper becomes. Yeses get bigger, yeses growing into calls. And we give more energy to these things because the very act of doing them nourishes us. We are working, exerting effort, but in a way that feels organic, intrinsically enlivening. We're pulled into them, riding ever deeper into the slipstream of fully aligned and expressed essence. Push and pull. These are the two major undercurrents of becoming.

• 47:37Jonathan Fields?

  The process is never purely about one or the other. It's always a blend. But the more we can lean in the direction of pull rather than push, the more ease and joy the experience delivers. Fiercely attaching to the push of what we want ourselves and our lives to become, rather than listening to the pull of what our lives call us to be, leads to friction and suffering, rather than ease and joy. Which brings us to that last, third delusion of becoming. Forsaking the present in the name of shaping the future. So, much of the headspace that we allocate to our lives exists in the future and the past. We linger, regret, and rehash what is now unchangeable,

• 48:22Jonathan Fields?

  and we fret about a someday that doesn't yet exist. Learn from the past, fix what's fixable, build wisdom to sidestep avoidable mistakes as you planned for, and then bring into being your vision of the what's next. All well and good. Except for most people, this spin cycle leaves no space to just be here and now, to see what's within you, beside you, and all around you, this moment, and this, and this, to savor, to revel, unfold, to relate, love, see, taste, hear, feel, now.

• 49:03Jonathan Fields?

  End of the day, that's all we really have. Truth is, the quest to become is littered with the remains of those who missed the grace in being. Don't just become, be. And that brings us to our call to action for this particular piece. So, bring some vision of what you want to become to your mind. Now, ask, what part of that can you experience even in the slightest taste today? What part of this is within your control, even in the smallest, most immediate way? Maybe you want to become kinder.

• 49:43Jonathan Fields?

  How can you simply be kind and savor how that shapes your interactions today? Maybe you want to be fitter. How can you take a simple action that not only moves you towards it, but lets you experience even a taste of the feeling of being someone who moves their body today? Maybe you want to become a writer. How might you write a sentence today that makes you smile, knowing you'd have written the same words so much differently a decade from now? And how can you hold it all lightly? Even the tiny steps to allow for growth and serendipity to enter and potentially change both the moment and how it might shape you and your world down the road? So as always, noodle on it.

• 50:26Jonathan Fields?

  Feel into a journal if that's your way. Act. And then if you're inclined, share what you're thinking, wherever it feels right to you. And as always, you're always welcome to head on over and share in our comment community at Awake at the Wheel. And that, my friends, brings us to our final spoken word share from Awake at the Wheel. I've got a short and sweet piece called "The Curable Ache of Not Loving." So I'm prepping for an interview, watching a video, and happened to notice the guest has three French words tattooed on her left inner arm. Curious, I do a bit of digging. They're the final three words in a sentence

• 51:09Jonathan Fields?

  from Albert Camus' lyrical essay, "Return to Depasso", that appeared in the book "Summer", published way back in 1954. English translation: "An Invincible Summer." The full sentence reads, "In the midst of winter, I found there was within me an invincible summer." Pretty yummy. And hopeful, too. The notion that we are not just recipients of the warm glow possibility, but also, even when it's hard, the source. Still, I want to know more. So I look for a translation of the full text and dive in. And there, seated comfortably a few sentences above the off-sided "summer" quote,

• 51:53Jonathan Fields?

  "Sixteen words stopped me in my tracks." They read, "For there is merely bad luck in not being loved. There is misfortune in not loving."

• 52:07Jonathan Fields?

  Oof. We spend so much of our lives seeking to be seen, to be known, to be loved. When it happens, it's magical. The world coalesces into something akin to what it should be. Breath, joy, ecstasy, ease, all come easier. When it doesn't happen, the ache builds till it's almost too much to bear. And for all the talk about self-love, yes, of course it matters. It's another thing entirely to be loved by another, and not romantic love, just straight-up love. Still, central to the experience of being loved is being exposed.

• 52:46Jonathan Fields?

  Laying bare your essence, naked and vulnerable, at least enough to risk being seen and wanted, savored, craved, also rejected, abandoned, left. It's a dangerous business that beckons the potential for a more beautiful, albeit less safe, life. We never quite have control over the experience, because we never have control over the other. All we can do is show up as ourselves. Whether and when another finds and in turn loves us is never fully, and some might argue even remotely, within our control. It's supposed to be this way, gloriously so.

• 53:30Jonathan Fields?

  Which is why, as Camus said, "There is merely bad luck in not being loved." But that latter part, "There is misfortune in not loving." Maybe this is where both the bigger tragedy and the greater opportunity lie. This is the side of the loving equation where agency takes its seat. We need not wait around, hoping to be seen or embraced as a precondition to offering our love. Possibilities abound. A hug, a smile, a kind act, a simple text, a note on the screen, a rub on the back, a word of praise, a passing hug, a gentle nod.

• 54:12Jonathan Fields?

  And the universe of recipients, a lover, a child, or a friend, sure, but also, I mean, a pup, a bed of flowers, a stranger online, a customer diner, a random tree, a student, anyone. We're often so caught up in the quest to be loved, we forget the life-giving grace of giving love. The feeling of knowing we've made even a momentary difference. And while we may not always have a say in when and where we'll be loved, we can avoid the misfortune of not loving. And that's what's on my mind today. And that brings us to our final wake-up call or call to action before we wrap up this episode.

• 54:56Jonathan Fields?

  So you may or may not feel loved in this moment as you hear this. If you feel it, how fortunate, savor it, drink it in. If not, do the thing you still can do. Become love. Be love. Give love. One simple gesture. Ask, what can I do today? And who can I offer love to? The simplest nod counts. Noodle on it. Walk with it. As always, journal about it, if that's your jam, and then act upon it. And if you're inclined to share, then go ahead and share with others.

• 55:35Jonathan Fields?

  So that wraps up this second edition of our spoken word compilation from recent essays that I have been writing and sharing over at my Awake at the Wheel publication and newsletter. If these resonated with you, if you feel like there's a message that you'd like to share with others, then please go ahead and share this episode with others and then use it to start a conversation. These are ideas and questions, provocations even, that help us become more alive and feel less alone. And if you would love to just take more time and read these or dive deeper into the calls to action and explore them a little bit more, then we'll drop a link in the show notes.

• 56:16Jonathan Fields?

  You can just click right over to Awake at the Wheel and spend more time lingering in them as well. So excited to be able to share this with you. I'll see you here next time.

• 56:27Jonathan Fields?

  This episode of Good Life Project was produced by executive producers Lindsay Fox and me, Jonathan Fields, and Christopher Carter crafted our theme music. And of course, if you haven't already done so, please go ahead and follow Good Life Project in your favorite listening app. And if you found this conversation interesting, or inspiring, or valuable, and chances are you did, since you're still listening here, would you do me a personal favor, a seven second favor, and share it? Maybe on social, or by text, or by email, even just with one person. Just copy the link from the app you're using, and tell those you know, those you love, those you want to help navigate this thing called life a little better, so we can all do it better together with more ease and

• 57:09Jonathan Fields?

  more joy. Tell them to listen. Then even invite them to talk about what you've both discovered, because when podcasts become conversations, and conversations become action, that's how we all come alive together. Until next time, I'm Jonathan Fields, signing off for Good Life Project.

• 57:49Jonathan Fields?

  Today's episode is sponsored by NerdWallet Wealth Partners. Making more money doesn't come with instructions. Nobody hands you a manual that says, "Congrats on the raise, here's what that does to your taxes." That's where NerdWallet Wealth Partners comes in. They're a financial advisory firm built for high earners in their 30s and 40s. The first thing they do with every client is create a financial plan. It's basically a roadmap from where you are today to where you want to be. When you decide you want to retire five years earlier, or spring for the bigger house, they'll run all the numbers on what's possible. And they meet with their clients regularly, because they know that at this phase of life, things change quickly. Think of NerdWallet Wealth Partners as the manual for high earners that you never got, plus someone who's actually read

• 58:31Jonathan Fields?

  it. Find out more at nerdwalletwealthpartners.com/good. NerdWallet Wealth Partners LLC is an SEC-registered investment advisor. Registration as an investment advisor does not imply a certain level of skill or training, nor does it constitute an endorsement by any securities regulator. Please see nerdwalletwealthpartners.com for disclosures and important information.

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