How To Stay In Control! Even When Conversations Turn Emotional

When someone gets emotional in conversation, it can be tough to know how to respond. In this episode, I share how to keep your cool without shutting them down or losing yourself in the moment. You’ll learn how to recognize your own physical reactions, ground yourself with simple reminders, and set healthy boundaries so you can stay steady—even when the other person isn’t. Thank you to our sponsors: Cozy Earth. Upgrade Your Every Day. Get 40% off at cozyearth.com/jefferson or use code JEFFERSON at check out. Monarch Money. 50% off your first year at https://monarchmoney.com/jefferson BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Order my new book, The Next Conversation, or listen to the full audiobook today. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show! Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter. Join My School of Communication Watch my podcast on YouTube Follow me on Instagram Follow me on TikTokFollow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  Are you ever shopping online and suddenly a discount that helps you save pops up? It makes your day, sometimes even your week. Want that feeling month after month? Well, new customers who save by switching their home and auto insurance to Progressive, save hundreds. Cue your happy dance. Get your quote today at progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company affiliates and other insurers not available in all states.

• 0:27Jefferson Fisher?

  Here's the truth. You can't control another person's emotions, but you can control how much power their emotions have over you. Today, I'm going to teach you how to stay in control even when the conversation turns emotional. All that and more, coming right up. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tips to improve your communication, I'm going to ask you to find the button where it says subscribe, or like, or heart, wherever you're listening, and click it. And it's a promise. It's a promise by me to make sure that I continue to deliver good quality content. And if you listen to this episode, and if you subscribe to this podcast, I will make you a better communicator.

• 1:11Jefferson Fisher?

  And that is my promise. Thank you so much for listening. This episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth. One thing I love about Cozy Earth are their bed sheets. It is still so hot at the end of summer here in Texas, and what I appreciate is that they have these bamboo sheets that are fantastic, and they're on our bed right now. And I am absolutely in love with them. In fact, all of my family is in love with them, and I've gifted them to many of my family members and friends, and they also love them. So if you are like me, and you enjoy getting in a bed that's nice and cozy and comfortable, you are not going to go wrong with Cozy Earth's bed sheets, or really any of their towels or clothes or anything that they have. But I'm a big fan of the bed sheets as well.

• 1:56Jefferson Fisher?

  So you can go to cozyearth.com/jefferson. Used to go Jefferson for 40% off. That's cozyearth.com/jefferson. Used to go Jefferson for 40% off. You won't regret it. Now, I will be the first to admit, I have trouble sometimes in conversation when the other person gets emotional. That's, that's me being honest and transparent with you. If somebody is getting really emotional, whether it's anger, meaning they escalate in anger, or maybe they're really sad and they're crying a whole lot, or maybe they feel really closed off, or they're having big emotions, that's hard for me to process sometimes. Throughout this episode, I want you to see the conversation between me and you, or you

• 2:41Jefferson Fisher?

  and another person, as you two in a circle, in a enclosed confined space, but let's give it some room, let's not be claustrophobic, give yourself some, some space, that it's this preserved bubble that you're in, that is a circle, and whether or not, how much space do you have in this conversation for emotion? Like I said, sometimes I have a hard time with that. I tend to be somebody who can sometimes see emotions as a distraction to the point, or the goal, or the finish line of what I'm wanting to communicate. And sometimes that's good. As an attorney, that's how we're taught, right? I can have clients that are very emotional right in front of me, and it won't affect me at all.

• 3:24Jefferson Fisher?

  And there are some times that, yeah, I get pulled on my heartstrings, and I, I want to help, and I'm there, and there are other times where it is, it's just part of the process, because I've seen a lot of emotion. People come to me, and a lot of trial attorneys can relate to this, they're seeing, I'm seeing them at some of the lowest, hardest points of their life. And so, it's also a sign of strength for me to say, I can take on your emotion, I can be here with you, I, and at the same time, I can still be empathetic without trying to make you feel worse, or make it feel like you shouldn't feel this way. So there's some part of it. Where emotion is just part of the game. I can, or I might be deposing a witness, asking questions and they start to cry.

• 4:08Jefferson Fisher?

  That's, that's part of it. So sometimes I have to see through that emotion. That's professionally and relationship side. That's just part of the, the life. That's part of the relationship is to be vulnerable with those emotions of how you're feeling. And I, I'm definitely not going to talk to a witness when they're going through some time of emotion. Then I'm going to talk with my wife or my mom or my dad or my siblings or my kids. So it's, it's understanding context, it's understanding environment. So let's call that the, the bubble in this. So admittedly, sometimes I have trouble with that. That's just me being honest. And there are other times where despite me having difficulty sometime, I can tell you how to control

• 4:52Jefferson Fisher?

  your own self in the conversation, even when they get emotional. And I don't do this, I'm not telling you this in some kind of hidden trick way. Or there's some kind of Jedi mind trick. There's not, there's just very simple key things I want you to keep in mind. When somebody else on the other side is starting to get emotional. So I want you to kind of nod your head right now. If that's you, you feel like when other people get emotional in the conversation, you don't know how to process that. Maybe you get, you tense up, maybe you freeze, maybe you want to distance yourself from it. You're not really sure how to do it and you're, you feel awkward all of a sudden. I want to reassure you, that's totally normal. All right, I can, I can relate to that to some extent. So I want to help you through this in this episode.

• 5:37Jefferson Fisher?

  So here we go. You ready? Number one, what I want you to do when it comes to maintaining control, when the other person gets emotional is to understand first, before you start even assessing the other person, understand your own physical cues. And I mean physical. So understand how in that moment, their emotions affect your physical.

• 6:01Jefferson Fisher?

  Meaning, do you find that your face crunches up? Like I'm doing it now? Do you find that your body or your neck tenses up? Regardless of the emotion that they're showing, let's not go into the details yet. Let's keep it surface and then we'll go deep. What happens when you perceive any kind of emotion? Because most of the time, whether it's happy or sad, we still have a physical reaction to it, from whatever emotion that they're showing. So, maybe you skewed away. Maybe your head looks away because you don't want to face it. Maybe you feel like you... Maybe you clench your fists. I was thinking of the word, I didn't know the, I forgot the word.

• 6:44Jefferson Fisher?

  You clench your fists, in some extent. We all have a physical reaction. And your job right now is to think of yours. So just five seconds. What tends to be your first gut reaction? When somebody on the other side of you gets emotional? For me? I find that often, it's difficult for me to keep eye contact with them. Because I don't want to feel that they're

• 7:12Jefferson Fisher?

  on the witness stand, or they are on this pedestal, or they are... All eyes are on them. And sometimes, eye contact makes it harder on the other person. So maybe I might avoid my eyes. Sometimes, I can shut down. In other words, I'm going to distance myself a little bit. Because I don't want to be maybe too strong in the conversation.

• 7:36Jefferson Fisher?

  So that tends to be, sometimes that happens. Somebody gets really, really emotional in the conversation. And it also depends, which I'm hearing you saying right now, is, Jefferson, it depends what kind of emotion they're showing. And I understand that. If it's sadness, and the other person is very sad, and let's say they're crying a whole lot. You know, I don't know really how to deal with that. What I can tell you is that it's not helpful if you try to avoid it in distance. Why? Because it makes them feel all the more isolated. Instead, you have to get comfortable with understanding your physical cues and being comfortable around what they're doing. And that sadness, that shows empathy, that shows sympathy. That shows that their emotions aren't scaring you off. If it's anger that they're showing...

• 8:19Jefferson Fisher?

  Different story, because what happens? We typically hold our breath. And then we start to prepare, to run, to yell, to fight back. We're just a fighter fight, fully on board. We don't know if we want to throw hurtful words, escalate the behavior. So what is the main key that drives this? Is your physical cues. Your body will almost always betray you in that way. Ever heard when somebody goes, what's? You seem like you're mad and you're like, I don't know. I'm not mad. Like, okay, well, your, your face and your voice say you do. It's because your body knows. Regardless of what you say in your mind, your body knows. And sometimes it will betray you that way. In ways that you're not expecting.

• 9:04Jefferson Fisher?

  So number one, understand your physical cues. If you don't know naturally what you do when you're feeling the emotions of somebody else. Ask a friend. Ask your closest friend, a partner, a spouse, a parent. Say, hey, when things get emotional, what do you see that I tend to do? Ask him that question and I promise you'll learn something. It's, it's going to help you. Why, why do you want to know your physical cues? Because that is step one. If you cannot control your physical cues, if you do not know what's happening to your body in that moment. Then I cannot help you. Then nobody can help you. Then you will not have control when the other person gets emotional.

• 9:44Jefferson Fisher?

  If you cannot at least acknowledge and identify what your physical cues are. Cool? Okay, number two. I want you to start using phrases in your head that ground you. That sounds woo woo. It's not. I promise it's not. I do it. And I, I'm not a woo woo fan. So what does that mean? Use phrases in your head to ground yourself. We're going to talk to ourself and use phrases when the other person's getting emotional that help us stay in the moment. When I say present, I mean, my mind is not off somewhere else. I am here, I'm focused in on what is happening in front of me. I'm not in the past, I'm not in the future. I am right here in this moment.

• 10:29Jefferson Fisher?

  There is no other point in time that will ever be the same as when I am listening to you right now. And I might need to use phrases that I'm going to say to myself that you and I are going to work out together, that's, that are going to be personal to you. They're going to help you. Make sure and realize that your feet are planted. So wherever you are right now, if you're listening, maybe you're standing, maybe you're walking, maybe you're in your car, I want you just like wiggle your toes. Remember those guys? Yeah, maybe you forgot that they were there. Wiggle them for a second. Okay, cool. Now, just keep them still. That's, I want to just put this image of grounding. So just push your feet, if you can, into the ground. The soles of your feet, of your shoes, your socks, feel it in the ground. That is you planted in that moment.

• 11:14Jefferson Fisher?

  So what we're gonna do, we're gonna use phrases that help you. And I'm going to share with you two of mine. All right? Number one, when somebody's getting emotional, what I say to myself is the same thing that I say if I find that I'm getting defensive. Because often, if there's anger in front of me, that emotion, I want to pick it up. So what do I ground myself with? I use the phrase, "Put it down, Jefferson." I'm not kidding. I immediately would go, "Put it down, Jefferson. Put it down. Put it down." I think of my, my son picking something off the ground. And I'm like, "Aunt, let go of that. You don't need to be picking up this, uh, I don't know. It could be whatever kids pick up that is best that they not." So you name it.

• 11:59Jefferson Fisher?

  Where I just go in my head, "Put it down, Jefferson. That's not yours to carry. That's not yours to pick up. It is not yours. It is their emotion. Don't pick it up. You can see it, you can acknowledge it. I say, "Put it down, Jefferson." So right now, just say it to yourself, whatever your name is, put it down. See how that feels to you. You're gonna come up maybe with your own personal phrase. That feels good to you to remind you to drop it. Drop it. Don't take on their emotion. You are here in the present, grounded, without trying to add anything else to it. Another that I like, another that I like, is I will say to myself, "There is space for this."

• 12:41Jefferson Fisher?

  There is space for this. Meaning if I'm in a conversation with somebody who's starting to get emotional, whether it's sadness or anger, I grind myself with the phrase, "There is space for this." Meaning, two things can be true at the same time. I can have my emotions and they can have their emotions, and two things can be true at the same time. Both emotions can be true. Doesn't mean either one is right. Doesn't mean either one is less valid than the other. Two things can be true at the same time. There is space for both of this. So maybe I'm mad, right? And maybe my wife is really sad. Or vice versa. It doesn't, it doesn't mean that either one of us

• 13:26Jefferson Fisher?

  is on a bad playing field. It, it means that there is space for both of this. Or maybe I am having a conversation with an attorney who's really grinding my gears. And this attorney's getting heated. Well, I know that's coming from a purpose and a reason. I'm not gonna let that control me. For me to control myself and control the conversation, even when they start to get emotional, is to remind myself, "There's space for this." There's enough room. So that goes back to the circle that we talked about, this bubble. So if there's space for it, we're gonna widen that enough. The circle between me and you, right now, there's enough space. If there's not, then we have to widen our circle. That means, if there's not enough space,

• 14:09Jefferson Fisher?

  it means that bubble doesn't include both of us, it only includes me. And if that's the case, then that's a conversation you, we're gonna have to rethink from the very beginning. Because that's a conversation you don't really wanna be in. And that's a conversation that the other person doesn't deserve you in. So, because that's, that's, that's not a two-way connection. You feel me? So, when you are both in the bubble, the circle of communicating, it's okay for you to ground yourself, make sure you have control, to say, "There is space for this." That's, those are two of my favorites. Now, you can make any phrase that you want. It's totally up to you. Totally up to you. A phrase that's going to ground you. There's no right answer, there is no wrong answer.

• 14:54Jefferson Fisher?

  It is simply a reminder of, "I am here, this emotion is valid." Or, "This emotion I see, this, this emotion I observe."

• 15:05Jefferson Fisher?

  Rather than taking it and knitting it into a sweater and then putting it on deciding that that's now your emotion too, and you're going to get worked up about it. All right, that's how to continue to maintain control even when they get emotional. Now, before we keep going, I want to take a second to tell you about Monarch. Now, if I had to guess, as all humans on the planet have this issue, we sometimes aren't really sure where all of our money is at any given time. How much money is coming in, how much money is going out? You know that you're paying bills, you know that you're trying to make ends meet, and there may or may not be a retirement account somewhere, and it's easy to just lose track of it all because why? Life, that's why life happens.

• 15:46Jefferson Fisher?

  And what makes life easier and a lot less anxiety inducing is knowing where your money is going. That's where Monarch comes into play. They have this online system, whether it's your laptop or your phone, that you can just link your accounts and see all of your money all at once. It's this beautiful dashboard, there's no juggling any apps or any kind of weird software. It's easy to see all at once and gives you a big peace of mind. And plus, what I really like about it, obviously, is that it makes conversations about money that much easier, whether it's your partner, or spouse, or financial advisor, or whoever. It makes the conversations a lot more certain and a lot easier. And for you listening right now, Monarch is giving you 50% off your entire first year. So don't let financial opportunity slip through the cracks.

• 16:31Jefferson Fisher?

  Use code Jefferson at monarchmoney.com in your browser for half off your first year. That's 50% off your first year at monarchmoney.com with the code Jefferson. And now, back to the episode. Number three, what I want you to stand in line with here is that even when they get emotional, there is a boundary. There is a boundary. That is a boundary that protects you. They don't really have to do anything. So that means if they're starting to raise their voice, and this really goes for things that are negative. In other words, it's anger, it's rage, it's frustration, irritation that they're trying to put on you. They're trying to color you in those emotions.

• 17:15Jefferson Fisher?

  When that kind of thing happens, you put up a boundary with that. What I mean is, first off, we're not going to mirror what you see. If they start to get angry, we're not going to mirror that. If they start to raise their voice and their level is at a level six, that doesn't mean you're going to see it as a competition and raise it to level eight. That's not maintaining control. That is simply giving away your control. That means the louder they get, the more steady your voice will be. That means the faster they go, the slower your voice is going to sound. And I promise you, you will always sound more in control of that conversation than the other person. What happens is they're going to eventually regulate to come back down. So how do you maintain that that boundary?

• 17:59Jefferson Fisher?

  Here's some phrases that I like. One is I set up this framework that I do not X, Y, Z. If you continue to X, Y, and Z, then this is the end of the conversation for me. For example, I don't respond to somebody who's yelling at me. If you continue to yell and raise your voice, this is the end of the conversation. Simple as that, simple boundary. Now, if they want to continue to talk, now they know the rules of the game, the rules of play. I don't respond to disrespect. If you continue to talk with me in that tone, this is the end of the conversation for me.

• 18:43Jefferson Fisher?

  That's still a boundary, every bit of a boundary. You can still be there for their emotions. You still can be there to observe them, but also maintain your own sense of self-worth and self-respect, making sure that that doesn't get diluted or watered down. Another that I really like is, "I'm willing to talk, not be talked over." Or, "I'm willing to talk, and I'm not willing to talk like this." That's one of my favorites. Because what I'm doing is I'm using "and" not "but." This is how my weird brain goes. So if I say, "I'm willing to talk, but not like this," that "but" deletes "I'm willing to talk."

• 19:27Jefferson Fisher?

  I think it's stronger, my professional opinion of I'm willing to talk and I'm not willing to talk like this. So it's very clear of what I'm willing to do and what I'm not willing to do.

• 19:45Jefferson Fisher?

  You can shorten it however you like. I'm not trying to be super nitpicky. It's, it's gonna be whatever is right for you. Maybe you want to say, I'm not comfortable continuing to talk like this.

• 19:56Jefferson Fisher?

  If we continue to talk this way, I'm gonna need a break. I'm gonna need a timeout. Those are boundaries to protect you. So even when they start to get overly emotional, that is you maintaining control in the conversation. They're short, they're simple, they are there to help you. And if the other person abides by them, they're also there to help the other person as well. No matter what motion tends to bubble up on the surface. So when somebody's getting emotional in the conversation and you're not really sure what to do, what do we talk about? Number one, you're gonna maintain and understand and identify your own physical cues. What is happening to you and your body? Your body will drive the train. Number two, you're going to find yourself grounding in

• 20:41Jefferson Fisher?

  that moment, staying planted and present by using phrases that help remind you to do that, like there is space for this. Two things can be true at the same time. I could be mad and they can be sad and that's okay. Three, don't let yourself be walked over. If you need to hold a boundary, do not let their emotions all of a sudden become your emotions. Don't let them just take a stamp and stamp you with them and say, you have to also be upset if I'm upset. I've seen that too sometimes in people who in relationships, they feel like, I just want you to argue with me. I want you to be mad like I'm mad. They want you to show some kind of emotion to see if it's to feel something. Be very careful with that because often that's just a manipulation technique.

• 21:27Jefferson Fisher?

  That's a technique that they want to self-soothe in some way because they are dependent on your match of emotion that may or may not be healthy for you. I'm not saying that you have to be somebody who's closed off and you totally shut them out. That's not what I'm saying whatsoever. At the same time, I'm not saying that you have to be someone of just because they're mad, well now you have to be mad. That's also just as unhealthy. So watch out for that. All right. Go forth and go do good things. As always, you can try that and follow me.

• 22:02Speaker 00

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