The COMMUNICATION Expert: Do THIS To Connect DEEPLY with ANYONE! (Become MAGNETIC) | Charles Duhigg

Today, we are joined by none other than Charles Duhigg, a Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter and the brilliant mind behind NYT bestsellers like "Smarter Faster Better" and "The Power of Habit." Charles has been a prominent voice in the fields of productivity and habit formation, sharing groundbreaking insights that have transformed countless lives. Charles is here to unveil his latest book, "Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection." In this episode, we'll delve into the captivating world of communication, exploring the secrets to unlocking the power of connection that lies within all of us. Buy his new book, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection HardcoverIn this episode you will learnHow becoming a supercommunicator can reduce loneliness and improve overall health, as highlighted by the Surgeon General's study comparing the loneliness epidemic to life expectancy, depression, and anxiety. The reasons why people often struggle with building relationships, and how mastering supercommunication can alleviate these challenges. The concept of a supercommunicator and how embodying this trait enhances various aspects of our lives. The technique of 'looping for understanding' and its role in transforming individuals into supercommunicators. Whether supercommunicators are born with innate abilities or if they are developed through practice and experience. For more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1580For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes on COMMUNICATION we think you’ll love:Gary John Bishop – https://link.chtbl.com/1535-podKevin Bacon – https://link.chtbl.com/1505-podJohn Maxwell – https://link.chtbl.com/1501-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:03Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:27Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back, everyone, to the School of Greatness. Very excited for our guest. We have the inspiring Charles Dugan in the house, who is a Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter, author of the number one New York Times bestseller, The Power of Habit, which has now sold almost 10 million copies, and author of the new book, Super Communicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection. I'm super excited you're here. And I wanted to start with a quote before we dive in. Okay. I saw this quote about the current loneliness epidemic that's happening in the world, but specifically in the US. And this was from the, I believe, the general surgeon, who said, "The lack of social connection

• 1:09Lewis Howes?

  poses a significant risk for individual health and longevity. Loneliness and social isolation increase the risk for premature death by 26% and 29% respectively. More broadly, lacking social connection can increase the risk for premature death as much as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day. Poor or insufficient social connection is associated with increased risk of disease, including 29% increased risk of heart disease and 32% increased risk of stroke. Furthermore, is associated with increased risk for anxiety, depression, and dementia." And I wanted to start by asking you to reflect on that.

• 1:51Lewis Howes?

  And I'm curious, how can the principles in Super Connectors, Super Communicators, how can these principles...

• 2:00Speaker 01

  Really help put an end to the loneliness epidemic that we are seeing in the US, but also in the world. It is a, it is a fantastic question and probably the most important question to be thinking about right now, right? So, so there was this study that was done called, they now call it the Harvard Adult Happiness Study. You're probably familiar with it. The longest longitudinal study that's ever been done. And it started over a hundred years ago. It was actually called the Grant Study at first because this guy, Grant, gave money to start it. And they started following all these people, originally just students at Harvard, but then people who lived in tenements in Boston. And, and as everyone got married and had kids, they started following them. And they had this hypo, these hypotheses. What they wanted to figure out is what is the correlate with future success and happiness?

• 2:45Speaker 01

  And most importantly, longevity, health? And they had these hypotheses. Again, this is like the 1910s, 1920s. They were like, you know,

• 2:54Speaker 01

  the, if you have a two-parent family, you're probably going to live longer than if you have a one-parent family. If you, if you, if you go to Harvard, you're probably going to live longer than if you didn't go to Harvard. And they studied all this stuff, you know, what, how, what careers people have, what they eat. And they found ultimately, there was only one overwhelming thing that determined whether people were happy and whether they lived long, a long time, longer than average. How many connections they had to other people, particularly when they're 45. So it's not, there's nothing magical about 45, except that they would look at people at 45 and they found if you had twice as many friends, like people that you're actually engaged in a relationship with. Like meaningful relationships. A meaningful relationship, right?

• 3:38Speaker 01

  If you have twice as many of those people in your life, on average, you will live up to 20 years longer. Wow. And by the way, you'll end up being more financially successful. So then the question becomes, okay, so, so if we know that loneliness is a killer, it's equal to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. And we know that we need to have connections with people, how do we form connections? And part of it, as you know, we were talking about sports, you're an athlete. Like part of it is you can go and do things with people, you can be on a team together. But the number one way that we create relationships, that we create connections is through conversation. Yes. And, and what's interesting is you don't have to have a conversation every day. One of my closest friends is a guy I talk to every six to seven weeks.

• 4:24Speaker 01

  But every time we talk, we have a real discussion. And I feel as close to this person as anyone on earth.

• 4:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 4:31Speaker 01

  And so then the question becomes, okay, so, so what is it? And, and we're living through this golden age of understanding communication because of advances in neuroimaging and data analytics. And so now we know what has to happen in a conversation for people to feel close to each other. And that's the answer to the loneliness epidemic is powering people.

• 4:52Lewis Howes?

  But why do people struggle so much with, I guess, building relationships? Is it they don't have the skills of communication? Is they don't have the courage to communicate? Is there, they're afraid of rejection or embarrassment or not being liked or loved by someone? Why are so many people isolating, you think, more than ever?

• 5:13Speaker 01

  I think, I think there's two things. First of all, you know, just the internet has made it easy. Like you can stay in your house now, right? Whereas before it was more boring.

• 5:20Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 5:20Speaker 01

  So, so that's part of it. But I think the other thing is exactly what you just said, which is people don't know what the first step is, right? It used to be that you were in public school in America and they taught you how to have conversations. There was classes.

• 5:35Lewis Howes?

  Debate club.

• 5:36Speaker 01

  Debate club, HOMAC, right? They would send young women off to finishing schools where basically you learn to be a conversationalist. I'm not saying we should return to those days, but it was something that people saw as a virtue.

• 5:48Lewis Howes?

  That's teaching social skills.

• 5:49Speaker 01

  That's exactly right.

• 5:50Lewis Howes?

  We don't really teach social skills unless as parents, like you were talking about before, uh, we started creating those environments and exercises and experiments or games for your children to put themselves out in public at a restaurant or ask someone for a favor or, you know, just put themselves out there.

• 6:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. And it's, and, and so the thing is that I think most of the people, they are scared and they are anxious and they are uncertain. And the answer is that there's actually, so nobody's born a super communicator, right? What is a super communicator? Super communicator is, the easiest way to say it is, it's the person you call when you're having a bad day, who you know will make you feel better, right? Like, for me, it's a guy named Greg. Like, I give him a phone call and like, I just know he's gonna make me feel better. He's gonna like, make me feel listened to, he's gonna make me feel happy. Another guy named Donan. Uh huh. And you, do you have someone like that? Like, when I- Sure, Matt. Okay, Matt, right. Exactly. And like, so for you, Matt is a super communicator. And Matt is probably a super communicator for other people. And you're a super communicator for other people.

• 6:55Speaker 01

  That is not an inborn trait. It's not like Matt was born under a different star, or he has some special charisma. It's probably that Matt has learned how to communicate, oftentimes by failing to communicate. Or oftentimes by feeling like he's left out and paying attention to how other people behave, and sort of just noticing a little bit more what's going on. What we know is that anyone can become a super communicator, because it's just a set of skills that any of us can learn, the same way we can learn to read. But, as a society, we have not said that's an important set of skills for a little while. And, and I think that with the Surgeon General and others coming out, we're, we're beginning to say- Right. Actually, this, this is critical.

• 7:37Speaker 01

  Is there a difference between super communicators and super connectors? So, so I, I think that there's some people, the answer is yes, depending on what you mean by super connector. There's like, sometimes there's super connectors who are like, kind of transactional, right? Yeah. They're like, super service level, like, or transactional, or- Or they just know everyone, and you're like, I need a favor, and they're like, oh, this guy can help you out. Now, that being said, when we communicate, and this is one of the things that we've learned in the last 10 years, you and I having this conversation right now, we're totally unaware of this, but our pupils are dilating at the same rate. Our breath patterns are actually starting to match each other. Most importantly, if I could see inside your brain and you could see inside mine, what you would see is our brainwaves start matching each other.

• 8:22Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 8:23Speaker 01

  This is what communication is. Communication is I have a feeling or an idea. I describe it to you and you experience to some degree that feeling or that idea. And it's actually reflected in your brain.

• 8:34Lewis Howes?

  Literally the neuroscience, the neurochemicals, you feel what you're feeling.

• 8:39Speaker 01

  That's exactly, it's called neural entrainment.

• 8:41Lewis Howes?

  Huh.

• 8:41Speaker 01

  And it's the core of communication.

• 8:43Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 8:44Speaker 01

  So when we, when that happens, and again, evolution has hardwired this into our brain. When we're neurally entrained, we feel closer to each other.

• 8:51Lewis Howes?

  We feel connected.

• 8:52Speaker 01

  We feel connected. So you could be a super connector because Matt is a super connector because he's so good.

• 8:58Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 8:59Speaker 01

  And making you guys feel like you're in sync.

• 9:01Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 9:02Speaker 01

  But the reason, the way he's able to do it is through.

• 9:04Lewis Howes?

  Through communication.

• 9:05Speaker 01

  Through communication. Yeah.

• 9:06Lewis Howes?

  That's interesting and it probably, you know, the, the better you can learn to communicate and someone feels understood with your communication.

• 9:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:16Lewis Howes?

  The stronger the connection and the stronger ability to create together or to make things happen together as well.

• 9:24Speaker 01

  Oh, absolutely.

• 9:25Lewis Howes?

  And the more surface level of the communication, I'm assuming, or the less alignment that you have with one another,

• 9:33Lewis Howes?

  the more unlikely you will create something unique or special or powerful to get.

• 9:38Speaker 01

  That's exactly, and, and so let's talk about what super communicators do. Like when you're talking to Matt, let me ask you a couple of questions about Matt. And is he like a friend who lives here?

• 9:45Lewis Howes?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, okay, okay. CEO of the company, best friend.

• 9:48Speaker 01

  Okay, yeah.

• 9:49Lewis Howes?

  Play college football together, yeah.

• 9:51Speaker 01

  So when you talk to Matt, does he laugh a lot? Do you guys laugh together?

• 9:55Lewis Howes?

  Laugh a lot, we play a lot. I'm playing more with him, you know, I'm more jokey, but yeah. He laughs with me, yeah.

• 10:00Speaker 01

  But is he the funniest guy? Like if you were like, who's gonna be a standup comedian?

• 10:04Lewis Howes?

  He's not the, he's not the funniest guy.

• 10:06Speaker 01

  Right.

• 10:06Lewis Howes?

  He's the middle child. So he's kind of like always learning to navigate both sides, you know?

• 10:11Speaker 01

  Okay, so here's another question. I'm certain if you ask him advice, he gives you good advice. But if you were like, is he your most genius friend? Is he the guy who like?

• 10:20Lewis Howes?

  He knows a lot about it. He knows a lot about everything, like a little about a lot.

• 10:25Speaker 01

  Right.

• 10:25Lewis Howes?

  Right?

• 10:26Speaker 01

  Right.

• 10:26Lewis Howes?

  But he's probably not the smartest person I know, but he's the most rational person I know.

• 10:30Speaker 01

  Which is, that is key. And my guess is, and tell me if I'm getting this wrong, I'll bet you if I watched you guys talking, what I would see Matt doing to you and you doing back to him, is that when you say something to Matt, he proves to you that he's heard you. He's proves to you that you're listening.

• 10:44Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, for sure.

• 10:45Speaker 01

  And there's this thing called looping for understanding. That's actually like a formalized way of doing it.

• 10:50Lewis Howes?

  Looping for understanding.

• 10:51Speaker 01

  Looping for understanding.

• 10:52Lewis Howes?

  What does that mean?

• 10:53Speaker 01

  So looping for understanding has these three steps and particularly, it's particularly useful if we're in a conversation where we're in conflict with each other. So they teach it at, in the Harvard Negotiation Program and in law schools. And what you do is if you want to prove to someone that you're hearing them, which is critical if you, if you have, if you are in conflict, is first of all, ask a question. And there's specific kinds of questions that are powerful that we can talk about.

• 11:18Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 11:19Speaker 01

  Number, step number two is repeat back what that person said in your own words.

• 11:25Lewis Howes?

  Not what they said exactly, but how you interpreted it.

• 11:28Speaker 01

  How I'm hearing you, what I'm hearing you say. And then step number three, and this is the one we always forget, ask if you got it right.

• 11:35Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 11:36Speaker 01

  Now, I'm guessing, and tell me if I'm wrong, that if I was watching you and Matt, that you say something to Matt kind of meaningful and Matt is like, you know, man, like, I totally hear you because it sounds like you're feeling down and it's been a tough day and and that you need, you need to make it through this. Like, did I get that right? Like, is that, does he do stuff like that?

• 11:56Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I mean, I guess when you're that close, you don't need to know that you got it right.

• 12:00Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 12:01Lewis Howes?

  You just get it right.

• 12:02Speaker 01

  Right.

• 12:02Lewis Howes?

  You're just so in sync that if he didn't get it right, I'd be like, no, that's not how I feel.

• 12:06Speaker 01

  That's exactly right.

• 12:07Lewis Howes?

  I would correct him because we have that type of relationship, but that makes sense. And I think that's what a lot of therapists do too.

• 12:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:13Lewis Howes?

  It's almost like they'll ask a deeper question. Let me understand deeper. What I'm hearing you say is this. Does that sound about right to you?

• 12:19Speaker 01

  And we, and, and I know that you've spent some time in therapy.

• 12:22Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 12:22Speaker 01

  How does it feel when that therapist does?

• 12:24Lewis Howes?

  It's incredible. It feels magical. Heard. You feel like someone finally understands you.

• 12:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:28Lewis Howes?

  And being understood allows you to feel, it's a safer feeling.

• 12:34Lewis Howes?

  Now, my friend Jay Shetty says that learning to be misunderstood is like, has been a superpower for him. Not having people understand him. Not everyone's going to understand you, but I think when you have relationships where people do understand you or see where you're coming from, it makes you feel safer with them.

• 12:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:52Lewis Howes?

  That type of communication.

• 12:53Speaker 01

  Evolution has developed a reward sensation from feeling understood and feeling connected because that's what helped our species survive, right? The, the, the early ancestors who said like, I want to take care of my young because I feel a bond to them, or I want to pair off with this community and invest in this community. They're the ones who made it.

• 13:16Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 13:16Speaker 01

  And so we have this inborn need and desire and sense of reward when we feel understood. That being said, if I'm saying something, even if you're listening closely, I might not pick up on it unless you tell me.

• 13:31Lewis Howes?

  Repeat it back in your words and say, did I get this right?

• 13:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, or, or, and that's, that's kind of formal. Like it can be more casual like it is with me. Which is to say like, I hear what you're saying. Like that's so interesting. It reminds me of this thing.

• 13:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:43Speaker 01

  Like to show that I'm hearing you, which you're very good at. Like I've, I've, I've watched the show a number of times. Like you, you do this almost automatically.

• 13:51Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:51Speaker 01

  Practicing.

• 13:52Lewis Howes?

  Well, it's also like, you know, we were talking off camera a little bit about how if you, I mean, I speak for myself. I grew up feeling like I didn't have any friends, right? That was the feeling, whether that was a hundred percent true, or if it was the story I was telling myself, it just felt like I didn't have friends for a long time. Until I was like 14 and I started to get more athletically, like confident and have like skills and you know, add value to teams. Like then I started to feel like I had friends. And it was almost like because I didn't have this, I wanted to, to find any way for, to feel like, okay, what's it going to take for this person to connect with me?

• 14:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:29Lewis Howes?

  Oh, I heard that they're having a bad day. Let me check and ask them what's going on and how can I help them? Oh, this is what you're going through. And then you see, oh, someone's listening to me. So I became really good at listening.

• 14:40Speaker 01

  That's interesting.

• 14:41Lewis Howes?

  Cause I didn't have a lot of friends. And so I would just ask people questions. I also never felt confident. Being like the center of attention and having all the funny stories or like knowing what to say or or knowing anything to say because I didn't feel like I was intelligent. So I would ask questions because that was the easiest way to build relationship.

• 15:01Speaker 01

  Right.

• 15:02Lewis Howes?

  Not by having all the answers, but having the right questions. Built the deepest relationships for me, not by being the smartest, funniest, best looking or whatever. But by being interested in other people made me more interesting to them. And and just being an attentive listener. Like you said, this goes into looping for understanding. I didn't know this was a thing. I was just like, oh, it's working. Let me ask more questions.

• 15:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:31Lewis Howes?

  Let me get deeper. The deeper I would ask the question, I I really rarely ever ask surface, surface level questions. If it is, it's like I quickly go deep just because I can't stay there. It just doesn't feel right. So the deeper I go into more questions, people feel like, wow, no one's really asked me these things.

• 15:49Speaker 01

  Right.

• 15:50Lewis Howes?

  They must care in a different way.

• 15:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:53Lewis Howes?

  They must be curious about me. Wow, that feels good for someone to be interested in what I really think or feel about this situation.

• 16:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:02Lewis Howes?

  And I did it out of like necessity, out of like, you know, survival mechanism essentially as a kid. But it ended up being a a superpower as an interviewer now.

• 16:15Speaker 01

  And probably as a as a human, right?

• 16:17Lewis Howes?

  Sure, yeah.

• 16:18Speaker 01

  And by the way, the fact that you weren't good at it is something you have in common with most other people who are consistent super communicators. This is one of the reasons we know it's not an inborn characteristic is because if you talk to people who are the best communicators and you say, you know, have you always been a great communicator? They'll tell you, no, like, like I, like, as a kid, I felt lonely. I felt like I couldn't connect with people. I felt like I didn't have friends or my first job, they made me a manager and I completely screwed up. The reason they become a super communicator consistently is because.

• 16:50Speaker 01

  They've just thought a little bit harder about it. They usually because they have to, usually because they screwed up and they're like, I don't want to screw up again. And it's just thinking a little bit more about how communication works. That allows us to really connect with other people.

• 17:05Lewis Howes?

  So how does communication really work? Are there different styles of conversations?

• 17:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, so this is one of the big insights. And then I want to get back to questions because I think it's really important. One of the big insights from the last decade is that we tend to think of a discussion as being about one thing, right? We're talking about my book or we're talking about, you know, whether we should send the kids to this school or that school or where we should go on vacation. But if you look at the conversation that happens, the discussion, what you'll see is that there are multiple different kinds of conversations in that same discussion and that same dialogue. And most of them fall into one of three buckets. There's usually a practical conversation, which is a conversation where we're trying to figure out actually what we want to talk about and how to talk about it. But also maybe we want to like fix a problem or make a plan. It's practical. It's using the frontal cortex of our brain.

• 17:54Speaker 01

  There's a second kind of conversation, which is an emotional conversation. And if I come into you and I'm telling you about where I am emotionally and you suggest a solution to me, I'm going to be like, you're a jerk, right? Because when you're in, having an emotional conversation, you want to share how you feel and hear how other people feel. You do not want to necessarily solve the problem.

• 18:16Lewis Howes?

  This is where you hear all the, you know, the stereotypes of how men in married relationships struggle to relate or connect to their wives because they're more solution oriented. Not everyone, but that's what you hear. The stereotype is they're more trying to fix the problem of an emotional feeling that someone's having versus being comfortable sitting with the discomfort and just saying, I'm here for you.

• 18:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, saying, I hear you, right?

• 18:44Lewis Howes?

  Which is, that's like solving the problem.

• 18:46Speaker 01

  That's exactly.

• 18:47Lewis Howes?

  If men understood that you just doing that is solving the problem. And sitting in the uncomfort of that, but that's a hard skill to learn.

• 18:54Speaker 01

  It's a hard skill to learn. It's a hard skill to learn. And then the third.

• 18:57Lewis Howes?

  So that's the second one, the emotional conversation.

• 18:59Speaker 01

  So yeah, there's a practical, emotional, and then the third one is a social conversation. And that's about how you and I see ourselves in respect to society, how we think society sees us, how we get along with other people. And so one of the things that we've found is that exactly what you just said, that what's known as the matching principle within psychology, that if I'm having an emotional conversation and you're having a practical conversation, they're both legitimate conversations, but we won't hear each other. Like, I'm gonna hear, I'm gonna say something emotional to you, you're gonna try and fix my problem in a practical way, and I'm gonna be like, A, you don't hear me, and B, I don't hear you. Like, I'm not paying attention to your solution. It's gonna create more miscommunication. So how do you know which one you're in? So through deep questions.

• 19:42Speaker 01

  And, and what super communicators do is they match the other person, and they invite them to match back. And so how do we do that? These deep questions, which is exactly what you just said. A deep question is a question that asks me about my values, my beliefs, or my experiences. And as you mentioned, like, a deep question might not seem deep. So if somebody says, "What do you do for a living?" "Oh, I'm a lawyer." "Oh, really? Like, do you love practicing the law? Like, did you always wanna be a lawyer? Like, what made you decide to go to law school?" Those are easy questions to ask, but all three of them are deep questions. Right. Because what I'm asking you is I'm asking you, like, what are the experiences that led you to where you are today?

• 20:24Speaker 01

  What are your beliefs that motivate whether you, that motivate, you know, going into the law? What are, what are the values that your work means to you? And when you answer that question, you're gonna tell me so much about yourself. And then if I'm, if I'm prepared for this, I can listen. Because if someone says, "Oh, you know, I went to law school because like, it was really important to me to have a steady job, and I knew lawyers, there's always work for lawyers." And so I, okay, so this person is in a practical mindset. And if somebody else says, "Oh, you know, I went to law school because I saw my dad get arrested, and I wanted to fight for the underdog." Wow, that's emotional. That's emotional, right? Wow. And so, Interesting. So just by, and, and by the way, the same person might answer that question both ways,

• 21:09Speaker 01

  depending on what minds, how they're feeling at that moment. But now I know, like, oh, I can match this person emotionally, or I can match this person practically. And there's, there's a kind of here, and you can sometimes just ask, um... In schools, they teach teachers that when a student comes up and they're upset, they should ask them, "Do you want to be heard? Do you want to be helped? Or do you want to be hugged?" And those are the three kinds of conversations. And it just feels...

• 21:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. What do you need? It's essentially, "What do you need?" Without saying, "What do you need?"

• 21:42Speaker 01

  That's exactly...

• 21:42Lewis Howes?

  If you can learn to listen and then ask a deeper question, you'll understand what they need based on these three levels, I guess, a practical, emotional, or social conversation.

• 21:51Speaker 01

  That's exactly right.

• 21:52Lewis Howes?

  And if you have trained yourself to understand how to be a super communicator and practice it, you're going to feel like a hero to everyone you connect with. You're gonna feel like, "Wow, Charles really understands me and really gets it. He's just so easy to talk to. Every time I talk to him, it's gonna make you more likeable."

• 22:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:12Lewis Howes?

  More opportunities are probably gonna flow your way. You're gonna be more top of mind for people in the future when something comes up in a positive way. They're gonna come to you. You know, all these different things are gonna happen. I guess you're gonna have to learn how to create certain boundaries if they're, you know, coming to you too much or using you or whatever it might be.

• 22:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, but those are good problems to have.

• 22:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, exactly. Everyone wants my attention.

• 22:34Speaker 01

  I'm too popular.

• 22:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 22:36Speaker 01

  And I find that it's also when somebody asks you what you want out of a conversation, it feels really good. Like, I might come home and sometimes I come home and I'm like upset about work and I'm complaining to my wife and she'll say, "Okay, do you want me to solve this with you? Or do you want me just to listen?"

• 22:52Lewis Howes?

  Right. And vent or whatever.

• 22:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, and until that moment, I didn't know what I wanted. But when she asks the question, I'm like, "Oh, no, I want you to listen. Like, I don't want a solution." Like, suddenly now I know, like, "Oh, the way I feel better is just by venting."

• 23:04Lewis Howes?

  Right. Exactly. I can be that way too, sometimes.

• 23:09Lewis Howes?

  You say in the book that all conversations are negotiations. Can you explain what that means?

• 23:14Speaker 01

  So, what's referred to, particularly at the beginning of a conversation, we usually have what's called a quiet negotiation. And it's important, oftentimes people hear negotiation and they think of a negotiation where the goal is to win. A quiet negotiation is very, very different. The goal is not to win. The goal is simply to understand what the other person wants.

• 23:36Lewis Howes?

  That is the win, I guess.

• 23:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's the win, right? I don't have to defeat you.

• 23:41Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 23:41Speaker 01

  But we can win together. So, when I came in today and I sat down with you and we were kind of chatting about, you know, how our lives are going. We signaled to each other a bunch of stuff. Like, we signaled that we were casual with each other, that we like each other.

• 23:55Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 23:56Speaker 01

  We signaled that it was okay to interrupt each other. We signaled that, um, that we didn't have to be, we didn't have to do looping for understanding. Like, like you, you can hear that I'm listening to you and I can do the same. There's all these small cues that we pick up on. Now, imagine if we had come in and I had sat down and you were like, hey, man, what's going on? And I was like, well, it's good to see you today. Like, oh, allow me to tell you about myself, right?

• 24:22Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:22Speaker 01

  I mean, and we had that, like, people.

• 24:24Lewis Howes?

  I had this last week with someone who was here, I won't say who it was, but I was trying to be, you know, more playful and open and, you know, flexible. And they eventually got there, but in the first 10 minutes, I like, not intentionally interrupted, but I just kind of added to something and, you know, followed up with a question while they were still finishing something. But it's kind of how I do a lot of things.

• 24:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:46Lewis Howes?

  And, uh, and he goes, you know, make sure you don't do that with the next person. He kind of like cued me, like, let me finish first.

• 24:52Speaker 01

  Right.

• 24:52Lewis Howes?

  I was like, okay, well, I'm gonna make sure I let him finish.

• 24:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:56Lewis Howes?

  Before I add something.

• 24:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:58Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 24:59Speaker 01

  Cool. I know what the rules are now, right?

• 25:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, now I know the rules.

• 25:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:01Lewis Howes?

  And he was kind of like, hey, you know, it was like, which, we, right. It was kind of playful, but it was kind of like, okay, like, I don't know him, so, okay. All right, I want to make sure we get a good interview, so I'll play by your rules.

• 25:14Speaker 01

  Well, and oftentimes what happens at the beginning of a conversation, even without us recognizing we're doing it, is that we conduct experiments.

• 25:20Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 25:21Speaker 01

  Right? I might say something casual to you, and then I pay attention. Do you cat, right, do you laugh back? I might interrupt you. And I, and if you say like, don't do that again, I'll notice, right? And the thing that to remember is that I don't think it was a, it was not a mistake that you did that. It was not even a failure. Because the whole point of a conversation at the beginning is to work out those rules.

• 25:42Lewis Howes?

  Experiment with it.

• 25:43Speaker 01

  Experiment with it, and if some, and if every, like, my wife is a scientist. If every experiment is a success, you're a terrible scientist, right? You want to do experiments that fail and succeed. That's when you're learning. And the fact that this guy told you that.

• 25:58Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 25:58Speaker 01

  It mean that he actually told you something about how he communicate.

• 26:02Lewis Howes?

  He likes, yeah.

• 26:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:03Lewis Howes?

  And, you know, as an interviewer, um, I don't know if you do this when you're doing research or interviewing people as well. For me, I like to tell people when they ask me about interviewing or podcasting, this is my 11th year now of doing this show. It'll be 11 year anniversary, probably when this episode comes out.

• 26:20Lewis Howes?

  I always tell people that the, the pre-show is the show. Us talking for 10 minutes before we turned on the camera.

• 26:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:28Lewis Howes?

  Really determines a lot of how successful or unsuccessful the episode will go. Or the energy or the flow is based on the connection when someone enters the door. The experience and the environment you create for them, whether that's you or the actual environment. Your ability to see them.

• 26:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:49Lewis Howes?

  Before going on. And if they feel heard and seen.

• 26:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:53Lewis Howes?

  That is the show.

• 26:56Speaker 01

  And vulnerability, right?

• 26:57Lewis Howes?

  Hundred percent.

• 26:58Speaker 01

  And, and I think what, so there's another idea that's really critical in the book and that, that is critical to what we've learned in the last decade, which is known as emotional reciprocity. That when I show you something vulnerable. You need to show me that you've heard it. But if you share something vulnerable in return. We will feel closer.

• 27:17Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 27:18Speaker 01

  We really can't even, we can't, it's like hardware. We can't not feel closer.

• 27:21Lewis Howes?

  So if one person shares something vulnerable and the other one does not at least show empathy. Even if they don't share something vulnerable of them, but if they show some type of.

• 27:31Speaker 01

  Well, so showing empathy is a form of vulnerability.

• 27:34Lewis Howes?

  Okay, right, so.

• 27:34Speaker 01

  So if you say like, you know, my, my dad passed away and I say, oh man, I totally understand. My, my aunt died 12 years ago.

• 27:41Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 27:41Speaker 01

  That's not.

• 27:42Lewis Howes?

  That's not empathy.

• 27:42Speaker 01

  That's not empathy. That's not, I'm trying to steal the spotlight from you. I'm not trying to share it. But if you said, you know, my dad passed away and I said, oh man, I like. I know how hard that is. I'm really sorry. And like. I've struggled with it. I'm sure you are if you want to talk about it.

• 27:56Lewis Howes?

  My.

• 27:58Speaker 01

  That's all it takes for me to reciprocate that vulnerability and to say to you like. I welcome your vulnerability. I I'm trustworthy with it. And more importantly, like, I'm willing to go there with you.

• 28:11Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 28:12Speaker 01

  That's when, all of a sudden, we know the rule. We know the rules of this conversation. We know that. And and when we were talking before the show and, you know, I asked about Martha and I asked about your life and like, you're very open and you're very, you're very easy with your vulnerability. And just hearing that, like, it tells me the rules, right?

• 28:32Lewis Howes?

  That like, you can be open, yeah, it's safe space.

• 28:34Speaker 01

  This is a conversation where we can be honest with, where we can be honest and real. And once you have that, you're exactly right. The rest of the conversation is so much easier.

• 28:42Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely, yeah. A lot of it is the first interactions you have with someone and kind of experimenting so you can understand the rules, the quiet negotiation, what are the rules of this dialogue going to be?

• 28:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:54Lewis Howes?

  Um, speaking of honesty and challenging conversations, how can a super communicator that might be avoiding hard conversations with someone that as a friend or a business colleague or their partner, their intimate partner? How can a super communicator, I guess, navigate conflict, disagreement, or challenging conversations? It's a, to create a win-win.

• 29:21Speaker 01

  It's a great question, right? And and there's a couple of chapters on it and it is sort of one of the biggest questions. Um, and this is particularly in the last couple of years. There's a, there's a chapter about, um, the story of what happened at Netflix. Because there was an executive at Netflix a couple of years ago in a meeting used the N-word. Um, and very, quite rightfully, the rest of the company was like, this is totally unacceptable.

• 29:47Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 29:47Speaker 01

  But it threatened to actually divide the company because this was a popular executive. Some people were like, look, he didn't mean it as a slur. He was using it as an example. And other people were like, this is unacceptable. You can't like.

• 29:57Lewis Howes?

  He's gotta be gone.

• 29:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. And so, and it took four months for them to fire him. But at that point, the company was on the brink of civil war. And so they.

• 30:06Lewis Howes?

  The culture wasn't good.

• 30:08Speaker 01

  The cult, yeah, the culture was just tearing themselves, tearing them apart. So they, they hired this woman, Renee Myers, who's an amazing woman. To come in and the first thing that she did is she said, okay, look, instead of avoiding conversations about race, we're gonna have conversations about race. But here's how we're gonna do it. We're gonna start each conversation by acknowledging this is gonna be awkward like, and by the way, I'm gonna make a mistake. You're gonna make a mistake. We're gonna say things that like, don't really come out the way we intended. It's gonna be hard. And number two, everyone at this table deserves to be at this table. So simply, you know, obviously someone who's black belongs to this table.

• 30:51Speaker 01

  But if you're white, you also have a racial experience and like, we need to hear that experience. You, you can testify, you can witness how your life has been as an expert and everybody at the table has an equal right to talk about their own experiences. And, and that worked at Netflix. It, I mean, it actually worked really well. It, it brought the company back together. Now, when that tough conversation you're having with an intimate partner or with a business partner, where there's some conflict there. Think about how differently it goes if you sit down and you say, something serious I want to talk about. Let me just acknowledge this is gonna be like awkward and I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say some, some things that like, I don't,

• 31:36Speaker 01

  they're gonna come off dumber than I mean them.

• 31:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 31:39Speaker 01

  And I'm just gonna ask for your forgiveness in advance and, and my goal here is to like, really understand where you're coming from because you belong at this table as much as I do.

• 31:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, there's like, there's like three things that happened there. One is courage and vulnerability. It's like, hey, I want to have a challenging conversation with you. So it's like, you're being vulnerable and you're being courageous. You're talking about something challenging. The second thing is really saying, I'm gonna ma- it's gonna be hard and I'm gonna make some mistakes. I may not say everything, so asking for forgiveness, which is also vulnerability. And then I guess really the third thing is like, I really want us to come to a good place at the end. I want it to be a win-win from this challenging conversation. I think Chris Voss talks about some, a similar concept around that, the former FBI negotiator. His book, I think Never Split the Difference, where he's like, the best way to negotiate something challenging

• 32:33Lewis Howes?

  is to say, this is gonna be a hard conversation.

• 32:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:36Lewis Howes?

  You're not gonna like it. Starting with something around saying it as it is, as opposed to skirting around the challenge, is at least setting an expectation. And people would rather know what the expectation is gonna be. It's like when a doctor says, ah, it's not gonna hurt that much, but then they pinch you and you're like, ah, that was really painful.

• 32:58Speaker 01

  Right.

• 32:59Lewis Howes?

  It's like, I did a, um, I had to do like, uh, an implant surgery, like with a fake tooth, right?

• 33:05Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 33:06Lewis Howes?

  And, cause I had teeth removed when I was younger, and so they put these teeth in the last couple of years. And I asked the, um, the doctor, I go, how painful is this gonna be? And he's like, it's gonna hurt. He was like, it's not gonna be comfortable. And he's like, there's going to be pain. As opposed, I really wanted him to say like, yeah, it's not gonna be that bad. You're gonna be fine. He goes, it's gonna be uncomfortable. It's gonna be painful. And I was like, ah, this, I don't like knowing the anticipation of the pain. But when the pain was happening, it wasn't as bad.

• 33:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:38Lewis Howes?

  It was painful, but the expect- I met the expectation, cause he communicated clearly.

• 33:44Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 33:45Lewis Howes?

  And so it made me trust him more. It made me feel safer, cause I knew what to expect. And so when you're talking about this, like having this, uh, I guess, directness of like, hey, this is gonna be a hard conversation for me, maybe for you, but I want us to win at the end of this.

• 34:02Speaker 01

  That's totally, and that's key. And, I mean, you know, the last five years, like, there's been a lot of conversations about race, right? And the difference between going in and saying, I want to acknowledge upfront that you, as a black woman, have had very different experiences than me as a white man. And I want to, I want to really understand you. Versus having a conversation about race that we've been forced into, where we never acknowledged that actually we're talking about race. That first conversation goes so much better. And the same is true of gender, of religion, of politics. Like, you know, when you sit down with your crazy uncle at the Thanksgiving table. Like, if you say to them, like, Mike, like, we have a difference of opinion, but like, I really want to understand where you're coming from.

• 34:47Speaker 01

  It changes the entire dialogue.

• 34:49Lewis Howes?

  Yes. When you were doing the research for Super Communicators, what was the thing that stood out to you the most? That you either were doing well and it was a confirmation to what you were doing? Or something you realized, oh, I've had this whole thing wrong. And a lot of people have this thing wrong. And if we just started doing more of this, there would be a lot more harmony in relationships.

• 35:12Speaker 01

  I think the biggest thing, two, two things. The first is listening for and engaging with people's emotional conversation. So think about how frequently, like, you're at work and you talk to someone and you're like, how was the weekend? And they were like, they're like, oh, man, my son graduated and I was just so proud of him. Or, or actually, it was a tough weekend. Like, it was, like, some stuff came up. And our instinct is oftentimes to go straight to the practical. Be like, sorry to hear that. Like, let's talk about next year's budget, right? Let's get to it. But if you just take a beat and you, and you match that person and you say, like, ah, like, tell me about your son. Like, I can't wait, like, tell me, like, tell me what he's like.

• 35:55Speaker 01

  You say, like, I'm, I'm sorry that it was like a tough weekend. Like, I've definitely had tough weekends. If you want to, if you ever want to talk it over with me, I'm here for you. That, engaging that emotional conversation, allowing yourself to recognize it and saying, like, this is actually an important part of communication. That, I think, has been super powerful.

• 36:15Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 36:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, just because I think I, in 2017, I was at the New York Times and they made me a manager.

• 36:22Lewis Howes?

  How was that?

• 36:23Speaker 01

  Well, I thought I would be great at it. I was like, you know, I have an MBA. I've had bosses before.

• 36:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 36:30Speaker 01

  And I was okay at the logistics part of it. I was a terrible manager.

• 36:35Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 36:35Speaker 01

  So bad because, because of the communication part. And usually what it came down to is-

• 36:40Lewis Howes?

  But you're a writer, you're a journalist.

• 36:41Speaker 01

  I know.

• 36:42Lewis Howes?

  Award-winning expert at this.

• 36:44Speaker 01

  Believe me, I like, it caught me off-guard too. And, and the, again and again, the thing that happened was that somebody would come and they would basically say, "I want to talk to you about something emotional," and I would treat it as something else.

• 36:59Lewis Howes?

  You went right to practical or something.

• 37:00Speaker 01

  Or social, or like, problem-solving, yeah. And, and if I had just slowed down and said, "Okay, look, just tell me how you're feeling. Like, I, I just want to, like, understand how you're feeling and hear it." It would have changed everything. I would have been such a better manager. So that's the first thing that has really shaped how, shaped how I communicate. The second thing is,

• 37:31Speaker 01

  so we, human superpower is communication, right? The reason we survive as a species is because we can communicate, the reason why we've thrived. And we have instincts on how to communicate. And the other thing I've learned is, to be a super communicator means learning some stuff, right? Learning tools or skills. But the goal of those tools or skills are actually just to remind us of what our instincts are.

• 37:56Lewis Howes?

  Ah.

• 37:57Speaker 01

  Because our instincts are really, really good.

• 38:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 38:01Speaker 01

  And when we screw up, it's usually because we don't listen to our instincts.

• 38:04Lewis Howes?

  We don't listen to our gut.

• 38:05Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah. Instead, we're like, we're like, "Well, you know, I'm supposed to behave this way. I'm supposed to be a macho, or I'm supposed to be X or Y or Z." Instead of like, stopping and being, saying like, "What am I authentically experiencing right now?" Because if you share that, you're probably going to connect with the other person.

• 38:24Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 38:24Speaker 01

  So I've tried to indulge that part.

• 38:26Lewis Howes?

  Wow, that's cool.

• 38:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:28Lewis Howes?

  We've talked about looping for understanding, we've talked about deep questions. We've talked about the three different types of conversation.

• 38:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:38Lewis Howes?

  I'm curious about how to have a conversation that turns into abundance of opportunities for you.

• 38:47Lewis Howes?

  Is there a way to to draw from your work in this book? That people could say, if I just started doing this thing, it would unlock a level of abundance. Financial abundance, better opportunities for me. Is there a certain style of conversation I should be having? A way I should be listening that unlocks abundance? Is there anything from your research?

• 39:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, so so let me. Let me ask you a question. Because I know that this podcast started with you looking for mentors, right? You going out trying to learn.

• 39:22Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 39:23Speaker 01

  So when you approach someone before before you're a known. You're like a young guy. You're reaching out to these like very successful folks. What do you do that gets them to take some time to tell you their insight?

• 39:36Lewis Howes?

  You mentioned something in this book that I that I think you're going to be referencing here in a second, which is about. Really creating relatability on different things from either the past or whatever it might be. And so originally I would reach out to people through LinkedIn. This is in 2007, eight and nine. For my other business that I had, and I would reach out to them. Leaders in kind of like the local community in Columbus, Ohio.

• 40:01Lewis Howes?

  CEOs and executives. And I would email people originally and just say, hey. I'm inspired by what you've done. Can you help me with some advice? Type of conversation.

• 40:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:12Lewis Howes?

  And I want to give many responses, maybe a couple of like, hey, I have no time for you or not right now. And then I started just experimenting other things. And I started really researching the person I was going to be messaging and emailing. And on LinkedIn, you could see. Where they went to school, different clubs, the associations they're part of, awards, hobbies, interests, also different connections that they had. Yeah, you second and third degree. So I started saying, well, let me try to find different things we have in common. And in the first sentence or two, I would say, you know, hey, Charles, I see we both live in New York City, you know, whatever it is, any commonality at all.

• 40:51Speaker 01

  We and nine other million people, right?

• 40:53Lewis Howes?

  We're both, you know, we're both authors. I've written a book.

• 40:58Lewis Howes?

  And I see that you like running half marathons. And I just ran my first marathon last year. Whatever it would be, I would try to find three levels of commonality.

• 41:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:10Lewis Howes?

  And when I started to do that, it was almost like every person was replying to me. And everyone would give me an hour to either jump on the phone, meet in person, like whatever I asked, they would give me time. Now, based on that conversation of time and how I showed up and my being genuine and asking the right questions,

• 41:30Lewis Howes?

  that determined what was going to happen next, but it was got my foot in the door to at least have a conversation by creating that level of common interest from shared experiences of past. And the better I got at researching and understanding based on a profile and able to communicate our shared interests, the more people wanted to connect with me.

• 41:52Speaker 01

  So here's what I hear you saying. Tell me if I'm getting this right. Cause if you email me and you're like, we both live in New York, we both run marathons, I'd be like,

• 42:02Lewis Howes?

  I thought it was more direct to what the person's doing.

• 42:05Speaker 01

  Let's say it is more direct. Let's say like, you know, I see that you're on a softball league. I played softball. That's actually not like, there's no reason that I'm necessarily going to reply to your email because we both love softball. But what you're really saying is I'm proving to you that I want to connect. I'm making an overture. I'm not just dropping you an email because you're a famous person and like, I said 30 of them today. I actually spent some time. I'm making what's known as a bid for connection. So one of the things that super communicators do is they make these bids a lot, oftentimes without us realizing it. When I asked if Matt laughed a lot. One of the things we know is that super communicators laugh much more.

• 42:44Lewis Howes?

  I saw that in your, in the book too.

• 42:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, but they don't laugh in response to things that are funny.

• 42:49Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 42:50Speaker 01

  They laugh just because they want to show you that they want to connect.

• 42:53Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 42:53Speaker 01

  And when you laugh back, you're showing you want to connect back.

• 42:56Lewis Howes?

  You had a, I think you had some research in there or something. It was like, I can't remember what those percentages, but most people just are laughing, not because there's something funny, right?

• 43:04Speaker 01

  Eighty percent of the time, we laugh not in response to humor, but to show someone else that we want to connect with them.

• 43:09Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 43:09Speaker 01

  And when they laugh back, they show us that we want to connect. The other thing about super communicators, and I love that you mentioned that when you got together with them, you asked the right questions. Super communicators tend to ask 10 to 20 times as many questions as the average person. But it doesn't feel like an interrogation because a lot of the questions are things like, oh, that's interesting. Tell me about that.

• 43:27Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, tell me more.

• 43:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, tell me more.

• 43:29Lewis Howes?

  How did that work like that? Yeah.

• 43:30Speaker 01

  Yeah. What did you think about that? Why, like, why, why did that, like, why'd you do that? There's questions that are so fast that we don't register them as questions. But what they're doing is again, they're proving that we want to connect.

• 43:43Lewis Howes?

  Showing interest.

• 43:44Speaker 01

  Showing interest, showing listening, showing, showing that I am opening myself. There is this thing about vulnerability that vulnerability tends to be the loudest expression we can make. If someone is saying something vulnerable, we cannot help but listen to them.

• 44:01Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 44:01Speaker 01

  Right? All of reality TV is based on this principle, right? Like, our brain is hardwired so that when we see vulnerability, we have to stop and listen.

• 44:10Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 44:11Speaker 01

  And when you say to someone, I see that we both love softball and like, can I have a couple of minutes? You're exposing a vulnerability and they listen to it.

• 44:20Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 44:21Speaker 01

  And it makes you seem trustworthy.

• 44:22Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 44:23Speaker 01

  So that's the thing that I would say is that the, the thing that creates abundance

• 44:30Speaker 01

  is to put those bids out there, to, to make that first offering. And to, to laugh at, to, to laugh at someone's joke, to show them you want to connect, to ask them a deep question. To say like, you know, like, I understand that you probably don't want to talk to someone like me, but like, I've done a little bit of research about you and, and you just seem so interesting to me. Like, can I just ask you a couple of questions?

• 44:52Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 44:53Speaker 01

  That vulnerability, that, that authenticity.

• 44:56Speaker 01

  We hear that.

• 44:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I, I understand you're probably the busiest person. You probably have no time for someone like me.

• 45:02Speaker 01

  Right.

• 45:02Lewis Howes?

  I would just love to be able to ask you like two or three questions.

• 45:05Speaker 01

  Absolutely. And by the way,

• 45:06Lewis Howes?

  You're probably gonna say no, but you know, I'm just.

• 45:08Speaker 01

  And by the way, we both went to this high school, right?

• 45:10Lewis Howes?

  Right, it's just something.

• 45:11Speaker 01

  By the way.

• 45:12Lewis Howes?

  It's something.

• 45:12Speaker 01

  It's something. By the way, the fact that we both went to that high school doesn't mean anything, but the fact that I looked up what high school you went to shows that I genuinely want to connect.

• 45:20Lewis Howes?

  And it's fascinating. I don't know if you're like, where did you go to college?

• 45:23Speaker 01

  I went to Yale.

• 45:24Lewis Howes?

  Yale.

• 45:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:24Lewis Howes?

  I don't know if someone reached out to you who's like, I don't know, 24, who just graduated Yale, who's like, wrote at the Yale newspaper or whatever, and they reach out to you and there's just like, you know, I know that you probably don't have time right now because you've got all these things going on, but I'd love to have five minutes of your time. You're probably, and we both went to Yale, you're probably more likely to reply to that person than someone at Harvard who said the same thing.

• 45:50Speaker 01

  Right. And it's not

• 45:52Lewis Howes?

  Just because of the association.

• 45:53Speaker 01

  And it's because they sought me out. They, they know enough about me to know that we have this thing in common. The fact, the fact that I went to Yale, I haven't been to Yale in 20 years, right?

• 46:02Lewis Howes?

  It doesn't really matter.

• 46:02Speaker 01

  It doesn't matter. It's not part of my identity. But the fact that they did the research to figure out where I went to college. So if they went to Harvard and they were like, or if they went to, you know, University of New Mexico, and they say like, I saw that you went to Yale and like, I've always admired Yale and I'm just wondering if I could ask you a couple of questions. Literally someone did this three days ago.

• 46:21Lewis Howes?

  No way.

• 46:21Speaker 01

  And I got on the phone with them and I was like, don't become a journalist, like.

• 46:26Speaker 01

  The industry's disappearing. But, but it is. And it's, it doesn't matter what you say as much as it matters what, what's behind what you say, the message I'm sending. The same way that like, when I ask you a question and you respond vulnerably to me, and then I reciprocate that vulnerability, we're making an offer to each other.

• 46:48Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 46:48Speaker 01

  And we're seeing if that offer is accepted or not.

• 46:50Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 46:51Speaker 01

  And asking someone for advice is not an offer. Saying, I researched you and I admire you. Can I just ask you a question? That's an offer.

• 46:59Lewis Howes?

  That's interesting. I'm curious about this, Charles. You know, you, 10 years ago, your life really kind of changed in a way with Power Habit, right?

• 47:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:07Lewis Howes?

  Like, put you on a map in a different way. You had a successful career, but it wasn't as big of a platform as when that book came out, correct?

• 47:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was transformational.

• 47:17Lewis Howes?

  What is it like being a super communicator before a lot of success comes your way? Kind of when you're trying to figure out life or your career or developing yourself, skills and talents? Versus, boom, I'm a number one New York Times Pulitzer Prize winner, three years on the Times list, 10 million copies of the book, like boom, an explosion of this world's success. How does it differ to be a super communicator after and before?

• 47:46Speaker 01

  So I think the thing that happened, I will say this, so 2013, Power Habit comes out, and that's the same year I won the Pulitzer Prize for this work I was doing at the New York Times about Apple, had nothing to do with habits. And it was, it was definitely the hardest and maybe one of the worst years of my life.

• 48:04Lewis Howes?

  Really? How is that possible?

• 48:06Speaker 01

  And the reason why is because it went to my head and I stopped listening to my instincts. Like, I just got like blocked from like, leading up to that, I like, what I found was that like, when people start telling you how smart you are, at some point, you start believing them. And that's always like the path to ruin, right? Like, luckily, I have a wife who like, would tell me how dumb I was, so that helps a lot. But, but it was a really challenging time. And I think what happened is that-

• 48:37Lewis Howes?

  You made, you had more success than ever before, you had more money, more fame, opportunities-

• 48:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, and all that stuff was great. I feel so lucky to have had that. Like, I feel so fortunate that this happened.

• 48:46Lewis Howes?

  But it was the lowest time for you.

• 48:48Speaker 01

  I like, you couldn't pay me enough to go back to that year and relive it. It was so hard. I felt, I felt like every single opportu- like, I felt like, I felt like I was on top of the, like, I had won the lottery and-

• 49:01Lewis Howes?

  Twice.

• 49:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, twice, twice. And if I- And the only future was downhill. And by the way, if I don't continue winning the lottery, it's because my fault. Cause I, cause like I'm, I'm a dummy. Like I, I squandered this opportunity. And so I got so inside my own head that I, I actually stopped. I stopped being a super communicator, to be honest. I just, I talked a lot more than I listened.

• 49:30Lewis Howes?

  Cause everyone wanted your advice or they thought you had all the answers or whatever.

• 49:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, or cause they were giving me money to go stand on a stage and like, nobody ever says like, your idea is not a good idea when you're standing on that stage. It's, it's when you're in a newsroom or when you're with your friends or when you're with your spouse. They're the ones who are like, that's a dumb idea. Like, like you aren't thinking clearly. And so a lot of, a lot of, so the reason I wrote super communicators was because I had these experiences where I felt like I'm a professional communicator and, and I'm doing something wrong. And actually one night I wrote, I sat down and I wrote out over the past year, all the places where I felt like I had failed to communicate. So like, fight with my wife that we could have avoided.

• 50:17Speaker 01

  Manager at work and not doing a good job, not doing right by my, my team. Uh, my kids coming to me and like, you know, clearly wanting to like connect. And I'm like caught up in like some article I'm writing or something.

• 50:30Lewis Howes?

  Too busy or whatever.

• 50:31Speaker 01

  And it's not like I was a monster, like I wasn't doing this all the time. But as I looked at it, there was like, once every two weeks, once every three weeks, there was something. And I thought to myself like, if I was, if I'm so smart, like why, why am I failing at this? And so the way the book started was me calling experts and just saying like, I have this friend who's bad at communication. Can you tell me? Right, right. But I would say like, look, like, you know, this is a fight I had with my wife. Explain to me like, like what I did wrong. And that's when they started saying, actually there's a science behind this. You can learn this science, like you can get better at this. And so a lot of recovering from that success was learning to re-listen to these instincts.

• 51:13Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 51:14Speaker 01

  That were there that, that the success had sort of made harder to hear.

• 51:18Lewis Howes?

  Even the, the words you just shared there, recovering from the success. There's so many people. That want to be successful. They want to make more money. They want to have their, their work or their message be a best seller. They want to get acknowledged for their work, their efforts. They want to win awards. They want bigger followings. But when you got those things initially, you had to recover from them. It was the most challenging year of your life.

• 51:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:45Lewis Howes?

  What is it about fame, money and success you wish everyone knew about?

• 51:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, and a lot of people, I mean, you've spoken about this eloquently. Tim Ferriss has written about this.

• 51:56Speaker 01

  The problem is that when you're chasing something and the chase is glorious, right? The chase is pure. It feels so good. Like you know what to do every morning when you wake up. You start to think that the point of it

• 52:09Speaker 01

  is the thing at the end of the chase rather than the chase itself. Like you're so focused. I was so focused on winning a Pulitzer Prize. Like, I like wanted it so bad. And, and the letdown was, I mean, I love having won it. It's, I feel like it's a real honor. But like, once, once that was gone as a North Star, I was like, what do I write about for the New York Times now?

• 52:32Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 52:33Speaker 01

  And so I think what happens is that, was there a big hangover, emotional hangover for you? Like, how long did the, the joy last when you won Pulitzer Prize? I don't know, 30 or 40 minutes? Like, yeah, because then I started stressing about like, what am I going to say in the speech? I got to thank this guy, like, how do I navigate? Like, like, yeah, like, because this, this is the thing, the people, like, everyone who's listening, they're listening because they want to become better, not because they want to be best. Once you're best, like, that's, that's less fun than improving yourself, right? I mean, frankly, they're already best. Everyone who's listening to this is probably a huge success at what they do. They, they, they are successful.

• 53:17Speaker 01

  And the reason they're successful though, and the reason they're happy is because they wake up every day and they know, I can get a little bit better.

• 53:23Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 53:23Speaker 01

  And if what you're saying is, here's the mountaintop, once you reach it? You don't know what to do next.

• 53:30Lewis Howes?

  Matt.

• 53:30Speaker 01

  It feels like, then you need to look for a new mountain. And, and the real answer is just to recognize, actually, the mountain is life.

• 53:38Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 53:39Speaker 01

  Like, the mountain is like, I have a great relationship with my wife, but how much better can I be as a husband? And like, I love my kids and I'm close to them, but like, how can I know more about their lives? Like, how can I, how can I help them more? Like, once you stop saying, there is a goal I'm moving towards, then you start to recognize, like, the goal is actually what you do every day.

• 54:00Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 54:01Speaker 01

  And that's so much more rewarding.

• 54:02Lewis Howes?

  Wow. Do you think, and you think that's right? I think so, yeah. I'm, I'm curious about, right before, maybe the year leading up to that moment,

• 54:14Lewis Howes?

  if you could assess yourself on an inner dialogue or an inner feeling, uh, between one and 10, call it the self-love, inner peace scale.

• 54:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:23Lewis Howes?

  10 being you had lots of love and acceptance and peace and joy inside of you, one being, you know, you're miserable. Where were you that year leading up to that success? And where were you, you know, the year or years afterwards?

• 54:37Speaker 01

  So, leading up to it, I would say I was like an eight.

• 54:40Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 54:40Speaker 01

  It felt great, like, I was like, I was operating on all cylinders, I felt like I was doing good work. And then I have the, and then I have the success and I feel,

• 54:50Speaker 01

  I just, I felt like, I felt anticipatory regret. Like, I felt like, I'm gonna make a mistake and I'm gonna feel like the stupidest person ever for not taking advantage of this opportunity.

• 55:02Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 55:03Speaker 01

  And it took a couple of years for me to go back to being an eight. And the thing that happened was, I wrote another book that did not do very well. So, I wrote a book called Smarter, Faster, Better, which I think is actually, I loved writing it, it was a, I think it's a good book. It, I mean, it was a, it was a good book to write. It's a, it's not a good book. It's not designed

• 55:24Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 55:25Speaker 01

  as a book, it's, it's too random.

• 55:27Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 55:28Speaker 01

  And I wrote it because I thought that it's what readers wanted from me, rather than something that I was really

• 55:34Lewis Howes?

  That you wanted to create.

• 55:35Speaker 01

  That I wanted to create. And, and it did fine, it sold over a million copies, but it was nowhere near like The Power of Habit, nobody talks about it.

• 55:42Lewis Howes?

  A million copies is a massive success.

• 55:43Speaker 01

  It was great, it was great.

• 55:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 55:45Speaker 01

  And people, but, but afterwards, I thought to myself, like, the next book I write, it has to come from a question I actually want to answer for myself. Right? Like again, like the journey is more important than the destination.

• 55:59Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 56:00Speaker 01

  Like, because the destination is one day and the journey is years leading up to it.

• 56:05Lewis Howes?

  You gotta be excited about it, interested in it.

• 56:07Speaker 01

  You gotta be excited, you gotta be interested, you're gonna spend so much more time in the journey than you are in the destination.

• 56:13Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 56:14Speaker 01

  So if you're only thinking about that destination, you're, you're missing a lot that's happening around you.

• 56:20Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 56:21Speaker 01

  Did, can I ask you? Cause I know that your, your, your athletic career, your football career was cut short by an injury. When that happened, what was that like afterwards? Like was there?

• 56:34Lewis Howes?

  It's pretty depressing for about a year and a half.

• 56:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:35Lewis Howes?

  Sadness. Well, I was in a, I had a surgery, so I was in a cast for six months in this position. We were like on a full arm cast where I couldn't straighten my arm, couldn't turn it or straighten it for six months. Except for every six weeks, they take it off to replace it. And I was like, oh my gosh, you know? Uh, six months like this, living on my sister's couch, making no money. And this was in two thousand seven and eight when the economy crashed.

• 56:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:59Lewis Howes?

  Housing market crashed. So people weren't hiring, you know? I didn't have a college degree yet. I left early to go put, chase the dream of football.

• 57:06Speaker 01

  Right.

• 57:07Lewis Howes?

  I had five credits left, but I was like, I didn't have, I didn't even study in school though. So I didn't have confidence from school to get me a job or something. So I just felt like, what am I gonna do the rest of my life?

• 57:17Speaker 01

  So what pulled you out of that? Like, what's the turning moment that like?

• 57:20Lewis Howes?

  Well, I, I felt, I had a lot of time alone and I felt,

• 57:27Lewis Howes?

  I was listening to my inner voice that's saying that I was meant for more. Like there was something more that I was supposed to do. I didn't know what. But I knew I needed to just take action on something. And course correct along the way. So I didn't know what direction.

• 57:45Lewis Howes?

  And I started with a list of my fears and I said, I don't want to be in fear anymore. I don't want to be afraid of my insecurities. So I started writing down a list of my fears. Public speaking was at the top of it.

• 58:01Lewis Howes?

  Salsa dancing was one as well, learning the musical instrument, like all these different things that I was like, I'm just not good at these things.

• 58:09Speaker 01

  Right.

• 58:10Lewis Howes?

  And the downside of getting injured is I couldn't practice my sport anymore. The upside is I had all this time.

• 58:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:21Lewis Howes?

  I had unlimited time essentially to attack all my fears. And that year after that, I went to Toastmasters every single week for a year. I found my kind of a coach mentor that helped get me into Toastmasters that recommended it. Um, and would give me feedback on my little five minute speeches that were horrible. And I would study every single week. I would practice. I would rehearse. I would film myself and get better at that. I went salsa dancing three times a week. I was like obsessing about salsa dancing at night to go to the clubs. I did, uh, group lessons, private lessons, like anything I could do, I'm begging people to teach me.

• 59:03Lewis Howes?

  I was listening on CD to like, uh, uh, you know, a CD of all salsa music and just practicing in my mind throughout the whole day. Then practicing at night physically, going to Toastmasters. I was being a super communicator and connector. I was on LinkedIn all day, reaching out to people, trying to connect with people to find opportunities. So I was building relationship skills. All these things that I was insecure about, I started to apply them and it gave me an incredible gifts. It gave me more skills. It gave me connections and one connection led to the next opportunity. And so I just tried a lot of things, which I might've been distracted, but it was a season of trying and experimenting.

• 59:45Lewis Howes?

  And that led me to my first kind of money-making opportunity at online marketing company that I created. And I did that for many years until I transitioned into the podcast.

• 59:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:56Lewis Howes?

  So it was kind of like, all right, let me just try a lot of stuff and then see where something takes me.

• 1:00:00Speaker 01

  And what I love about that story is that.

• 1:00:05Speaker 01

  It was the things that you were bad at, you studied and you became not just good at, but really good at. This, and that's why I say so many of these super communicators, there are people who have these periods where they were bad at communication. So they felt like they had to pay more attention to it. They had to like study how it works.

• 1:00:24Lewis Howes?

  Like I, I mean, I say this confidently and with humility at the same time. But I can go anywhere in the world, to any salsa club in the world. And walk in randomly and look for the best female salsa dancer and ask her to dance and have an incredible dance with this person.

• 1:00:46Speaker 01

  That's amazing.

• 1:00:47Lewis Howes?

  Anyone in the world, because I've done it. I literally traveled the world doing this to give myself these experiments. I go, what if I do this in Argentina, in Mexico, in Ireland, in France, in Australia, in New Zealand? I went, I went around the world because I was afraid to do it.

• 1:01:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:04Lewis Howes?

  And I was, I was afraid of rejection. So I was like, I need to put myself in situations to be rejected. And it would be an experiment. I'm going to go in and I'll look for the best female dancer and I'm going to ask her to dance with me, even if I don't speak the language. And I would get rejected a lot. And I was like, oh, that doesn't feel good, but let me just keep going. And I would make it a game. I was like, how can I get them to come up to me by the end of the night to dance with me?

• 1:01:26Speaker 01

  Because they want, they see how good you are?

• 1:01:27Lewis Howes?

  Well, he could actually dance. It's just like experiments and games, right?

• 1:01:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:31Lewis Howes?

  And the public speaking thing, you know, I'm going to Mexico next week to get a, a big paycheck to speak. And I would have never been able to do this had I not had that time to practice every single week.

• 1:01:43Speaker 01

  Well, and, and so what I love about that is that you've changed the definition of success. And I think that gets back to why that year after Power of Habit came out was so hard for me. Is that oftentimes when we go into a conversation, we think that the point of a conversation, the definition of success, is to like convince the other person of something, right? Or to like win the conversation or to prove that I'm right or to feel smart, to look smart. And the real point of a conversation is simply to understand the other person. It's not to agree with each other. If you and I differ on gun control or abortion or something like that. We're not going to convince each other. But if I understand what you're saying and you feel listened to, and if you understand what I am saying and I feel listened to, then that conversation is a success.

• 1:02:26Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:02:27Speaker 01

  The same way that going into a club and trying to learn to salsa dance, the definition of success is not that the the best dancer in that place says yes right away. The definition of success is that you asked seven different people and six of them turned you down and you persisted.

• 1:02:44Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I kept going, yeah.

• 1:02:46Speaker 01

  Exactly, or that like after writing a book and winning this prize that my definition of success was doing work I'm proud of every day, regardless of whether it's going to win a prize or anyone's going to read it. Doing work that feels meaningful to me.

• 1:02:58Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:02:59Speaker 01

  When we, when we find the right definition of success, it's not hard to align how to achieve it. It's just that oftentimes we haven't thought more deeply enough about what success actually means for us.

• 1:03:13Lewis Howes?

  Right. If someone's in a, you mentioned kind of winning a conversation or trying to look right in a conversation. What's the best way super communicators can navigate or influence or resolve the conflict? If it's just not going well, maybe at a family, you know, holiday thing or a relationship or whatever it might be where it's just, oh, this is not going well.

• 1:03:36Speaker 01

  There is this power move and, and, and before I describe it, let me just say, not every conversation, not every situation has to be a conversation. Like it's fine if your uncle is spouting off about some crazy lizard people are going to take over the world.

• 1:03:49Lewis Howes?

  Just walk away, yeah.

• 1:03:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, or just be like, huh, that's interesting. And then just like, don't engage, right? Like you don't have to have a conversation with everyone. When I say to my kids, I want to talk about your room, I'm not looking for a conversation. I'm looking to tell them like it's time to clean your room, yeah. But let's say you do want to have a conversation. So what's the number one thing you can do if someone has said something to you that's aggressive or crazy or offensive to you? Is to ask a deep question and the easiest question, ask the deep question is.

• 1:04:20Speaker 01

  Tell me, like, you're clearly passionate about this. Like, why is this so important to you? Like, what is it about this that's so important to you? Why?

• 1:04:31Speaker 01

  And, and at that point, I'm not judging, I'm not offering any judgment, right? And what that person is going to tell you is they're going to tell you not about that topic. They're going to tell you about who they are.

• 1:04:42Lewis Howes?

  Their values, their beliefs.

• 1:04:44Speaker 01

  Their experiences. That's exactly right. Like, like if, if you're saying something, you know, you like the Eagles and I hate the Eagles, right? And I say to you, like, why, like, why are the Eagles so important to you? What are you going to tell me about is like me and my dad.

• 1:04:59Lewis Howes?

  Me and my dad used to go and it's so meaningful, this relationship and these moments, yeah, all that stuff.

• 1:05:04Speaker 01

  And I know what it's like to have meaningful relationships with a dad, right? Like, I had those moments, like, that's something where we can connect. And the fact that I think that you're an idiot for liking the Eagles.

• 1:05:12Lewis Howes?

  That's right.

• 1:05:13Speaker 01

  Which, let me just say, I, I love the Eagles, but as an example. But like, suddenly we're not talking about this thing that's a source of conflict. We're talking about who we are. And the truth is, you are an expert on who you are. Like, I can't take, I can't even question your expertise on your values, your beliefs, your experiences. So, once you, once I put you in a position where you can confidently talk about who you are, you're just much more relaxed.

• 1:05:38Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:05:38Speaker 01

  And you're willing to listen to me.

• 1:05:41Lewis Howes?

  That's cool. What if you know the person's wrong? Like, you're like, oh, man, this person's just so emotionally irrational that they're not listening to me also at my side? Like, what if you just know, like, nah, they're all wrong? Yeah, maybe they're not, but you just feel, gosh, whatever they're saying, their just belief is just not the right belief.

• 1:06:02Speaker 01

  So, there's been, there's been a ton of research on this because of COVID. So, so when, when the COVID vaccine rolled out, there was a lot of people who were anti-vaccine. And the CDC basically said, we tried lecturing at them and that didn't work clearly. So now we need to understand how to communicate with folks, not to try and necessarily force them to get the vaccine, but just to understand why they're saying no to us and to understanding if there's another way to presenting this information. And so they did a ton of research and ton of experiments. And what they found was that the most effective technique is something called motivational interviewing, where I ask you that why question.

• 1:06:42Speaker 01

  So if someone comes in and they say, I'm opposed to, I'm opposed to vaccines and I'm a doctor. It'd be really easy for me to say like, let me show you all the evidence about why vaccines are great, right? Let me show you. But a better way it is to say, tell, tell me why, like A, why you're anti-vaccine, but B, tell me why this is important to you. Like, like, there's a lot of things you could have told me. The fact that you're telling me this means that it's meaningful to you. So they answer that question and then I hear something that they say that indicates a value of belief or an experience. They say, look, I'm really worried about my kids. I've heard rumors that this vaccine can hurt kids. You know, it'd be fine for old people, but for my kids, I'm really worried about it.

• 1:07:26Speaker 01

  Then you can say, again, you're an expert in you and I'm an expert in me. You can say, I totally hear what you're saying. I, I have kids too. I am really worried about the safety of my kids. The thing that's hard for me is that I see kids come in every day who are unvaccinated and they're sick and I can't help them. Right. And that's, that really like, it's just hard for me to see that. Now, I'm not telling you you're wrong. I'm not telling you you're dumb. I'm not telling you, you don't know what you're talking about. I'm telling you about my experience because we have something in common. We both care about our kids. It's good. And what's amazing is I've talked to dozens of doctors who have been taught how to do motivational interviewing.

• 1:08:07Speaker 01

  They say that again and again, what happens is that person starts the, the conversation by saying, I'm against vaccines. I'm never going to get vaccinated. They feel listened to. They feel like the doctors heard what they said, reaffirmed what they said, shared their own experiences. And at the end of it, they're like, you know, like, I'm willing to try it. Like, I trust you, so I'm willing to try the vaccine. And this technique of motivational interviewing, there's been a lot of experiments in politics around, around using this technique. And what they find is that around gay marriage was kind of the, the platform that was used to try and study this. The most effective way to get someone to support gay marriage, who has said that they do not support gay marriage,

• 1:08:50Speaker 01

  is to ask them what they think about marriage. Don't argue with them, don't disagree. And then say, you know, I think marriage is really important too. And I have a friend, James, who's gay, and he loves his boyfriend. And what do you think we should do to let them experience, like to, marriage is really important. You and I, like, we both, like, like, tell, like, what do you think we should do?

• 1:09:19Speaker 01

  Help me under, help me understand where you're coming from. That actually is what That worked. It worked overwhelmingly. Wow. It worked. It actually, it was like a 6% change in the, the elector, in the, in the people who are polled, which in politics, you don't change 6% of minds on anything. Wow. And it was because they, they didn't argue. They just listened. Didn't say you're wrong, you're right, or whatever it is. Yeah. They just said, what's, what's a better solution? How can we make this work? Or? And like, we both, we both believe in this thing. Like, we both think that marriage is so important. And like, I love this guy, James. And, you know, maybe you know someone who's gay. And like, if they came to you and they, they said, I love this person and I want to show my love for them. And, like, you just told me how important marriage is. Like, how do we give that to them? Yeah.

• 1:10:05Speaker 01

  Then suddenly it's, it's, we're on the same side of the table. We're solving. You're agreeing with something. Yes. We're solving this question together. Interesting. Instead of at once with each other. Right. What do they say in like, marriage conflict or relationship conflict, that it's never?

• 1:10:21Lewis Howes?

  You versus the person, it's you both versus the problem.

• 1:10:24Speaker 01

  That's exactly right.

• 1:10:25Lewis Howes?

  It's approaching it, okay, the problem is this. How can we solve the problem together?

• 1:10:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:10:31Lewis Howes?

  Not you did this thing that I did, or I did this thing, or whatever. Here's the thing, let's find a solution.

• 1:10:38Speaker 01

  And, and when we're in conflict, particularly in a marriage, we have this instinct to try and control things. Cause like, we feel conflict scary, right? You wanna control. And the easiest thing to do is try and control the other person. Like, you're wrong, you should believe this, if you say that, I'm gonna leave the room. But what researchers have found is that the way that you say, like, we're gonna focus on the problem, is instead of trying to control each other, you try and control things together, like, controlling when this argument takes place. Like, instead of doing it at two o'clock in the morning.

• 1:11:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, when you're both exhausted.

• 1:11:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, we're gonna wait till 10 a.m. when we like have some time. Or trying to control the boundaries of the fight, right? Like, instead of where are we gonna spend New Years and your mother-in-law drives me crazy and we don't have enough money, like, both of you sitting down and saying, okay, the thing we're gonna talk about is where are we spending New Years? Not about mothers, not about like money. Like, let's control the boundaries of this discussion together. Suddenly, you're on the same side of the table. And you might not agree with each other right away, but you feel like you are working together.

• 1:11:40Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely. That's powerful. This is inspiring stuff. I want people to get the book, Super Communicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection. I truly believe that the power, the quality of our life is related to the quality of our relationships. And the quality of our relationships is directly related to what you're talking about this in this book, which is how to communicate more eloquently, more intentionally, and with better ease with other people. And really, understanding where people are coming from. So, if you wanna have a higher quality of life, make sure you get this book and understand this process.

• 1:12:19Lewis Howes?

  And again, this is a powerful stuff, especially now when loneliness epidemic is at, it seems like, an all-time high in the U.S.

• 1:12:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12:28Lewis Howes?

  And something that we really need to think about over the next decade of life. Are we gonna get lonelier? Are we gonna have less skills and tools for communication? What's that gonna do to our health, our opportunities, our lack of abundance, our safety, all these different things? Learning to communicate is going to be the difference between having a miserable life with your friends and families, or being in conflict, or having a beautiful life.

• 1:12:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12:55Lewis Howes?

  Based on your ability to learn these skills. So I'm really grateful that you decided to make this your last few years of curiosity and dive into this. And I want to acknowledge you, Charles, for continuing to pursue wisdom when you don't have to. You've made a ton of money. You've won every award. You've been on the top of every list. You've sold almost 10 million copies of your books. You don't have to keep being curious and keep adding value to people. You've done a lot. So I want to acknowledge you for taking your time to craft, create, and curate information that can help all of us.

• 1:13:34Speaker 01

  Oh, thank you.

• 1:13:35Lewis Howes?

  And by putting this out there, and I want people to get a copy of this book. How else can we support you right now? Where should we go to follow you or connect with you?

• 1:13:43Speaker 01

  Well, and let me just start by saying thank you. Like, thank you for like-

• 1:13:46Lewis Howes?

  You're welcome.

• 1:13:47Speaker 01

  Having such an amazing conversation with me. Thank you for like, being so honest and vulnerable and real and authentic. If people do want to follow up, if they luckily, my last name is Duhigg. I'm like the only Charles Duhigg on earth. If they Google me, they'll find my website and they'll find the books. Most importantly, on my website and actually in the end notes of the book is my email address. And every single person who emails me, every single reader who emails me, I read and reply to their email.

• 1:14:15Lewis Howes?

  No way.

• 1:14:15Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, it's over 28,000 so far.

• 1:14:17Lewis Howes?

  Holy cow.

• 1:14:18Speaker 01

  And, and the reason why is because like, you gotta live what you preach, right? Like, like if someone takes the time to send me a note-

• 1:14:26Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 1:14:27Speaker 01

  Because they've put time and energy into, you owe that a debt of honor, right?

• 1:14:32Lewis Howes?

  You must spend like four hours a day just replying to people.

• 1:14:35Speaker 01

  It, it's, it's, I let them build up, so.

• 1:14:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:38Speaker 01

  It's no fun. They just spend like a couple days. Then I spend a Saturday and sort of like going through and like reading them. But it's, I'm [email protected]. If anyone wants to reach out, I'll definitely see your email. And, and I would love to hear people's stories about how they communicate, like what they've found has helped them be a super communicator when-

• 1:14:57Lewis Howes?

  Sounds cool.

• 1:14:57Speaker 01

  When they've needed it.

• 1:14:58Lewis Howes?

  Awesome. I love it. So they can follow you, get the book, email you. You're on social media a little bit, but you're not on there like too much, right?

• 1:15:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, not as much as I should be.

• 1:15:09Lewis Howes?

  I see you're surfing and I see you travel. We were both in Japan last year.

• 1:15:13Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Were you in Japan at the same time?

• 1:15:15Lewis Howes?

  I saw you with the arches. I didn't post my photos, but I saw your photos there. I was like, that's cool.

• 1:15:21Lewis Howes?

  Very cool. So people can do that. How else can we be of support and serve you?

• 1:15:25Speaker 01

  You know, honestly, the best thing that you can do is if you read the book or you've heard an idea that you think is powerful, share that idea with someone else. I mean, we were talking before, like,

• 1:15:37Speaker 01

  if I can, if I can change one or two people, if I can make one or two people a better communicator, it's relatively modest. But if all of us make one or two people a better communicator, that loneliness epidemic goes away.

• 1:15:49Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 1:15:50Speaker 01

  Right? If there's thousands of people saying, I'm willing to have a tough conversation with you. I want to model for you how to do this. Like, I have a, I have a friend I haven't talked to in six months and it seems awkward to give them a call, but like, I'm just gonna do it because they might be feeling lowly right now.

• 1:16:09Speaker 01

  That is the, the truest gift that I think someone can give me and themselves and the world is just to reach out and to try and communicate.

• 1:16:18Lewis Howes?

  That's cool. That's cool. I asked you this the last time we had a conversation, but it was a while ago. This is a question I ask everyone at the end called the three truths. So hypothetical scenario, you get to live as long as you want to live, but it's your last day on earth. You've created everything you want to create personally, professionally, hobbies, you do it all from this moment until that day. But you have to turn the lights off and go to the next place. And for whatever reason, it's hypothetical question, you have to take all of your work with you. So no one has access to this book, any book, articles, interviews, it's all gone.

• 1:16:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:16:55Lewis Howes?

  Hypothetical. But you get to leave behind three lessons that you know to be true from your whole life's experience, everything you've learned.

• 1:17:04Lewis Howes?

  What would be those three truths for you that you would leave behind?

• 1:17:07Speaker 01

  So I think the first one is like is just pops into my mind immediately is the more you invest in your spouse and in your kids or whatever your relationship is, that's the closest relationships you have, every single ounce of that investment will be worth it and it will be returned to you in like 10x. And there are so many times, particularly when we're chasing success, that we don't invest in the people around us. And whatever that prize is that you get, whatever those that money is that you get, it's it's nice, it's freeing, but it's not as nice as like a wife who loves you or kids who enjoy spending time with you, or a husband who like

• 1:17:53Speaker 01

  thinks the world of you, or just having like a great friend who you can call anytime.

• 1:17:58Lewis Howes?

  That's a beautiful one.

• 1:17:59Speaker 01

  So that's number one. Number two is-

• 1:18:01Lewis Howes?

  I don't think I've ever heard that one.

• 1:18:02Speaker 01

  Oh, really?

• 1:18:03Lewis Howes?

  That's I don't think I can remember hearing investing in people like that and how it will return in your investment. So that's really cool.

• 1:18:13Speaker 01

  So the and the second one, I think, is it is always worth betting on yourself. Like, you know, when I when I went to business school,

• 1:18:25Speaker 01

  I graduated with my MBA and I decided to become a journalist and I was the lowest paid member of my class for the next four years. Like, I went to Harvard Business School, everyone wanted to go make a ton of money. I was making, I think, $40,000 my first year after and I had like 90 grand in student loans. And but the thing is, I was like, look, I I'm gonna bet on myself. Like, I think I can figure out how to make how to make a career in this.

• 1:18:53Speaker 01

  And everyone I know who succeeded, they've succeeded because they bet on themselves, not because they bet on the safe course, not because they bet on what the the wisdom of the masses, it's because they bet on themselves. So bet on yourself. And then the third one is that as soon as you get something, you don't really enjoy it until you start giving it away. Right? Like, like I found, I was lucky enough to make some money from the power of habit and I have tried to give to charity and I've tried to to support my friends and-

• 1:19:30Speaker 01

  And I have never felt as rich in my life as when I give a check to someone who needs it. Like, otherwise, like, having a lot of money is great because it frees you up, but it can also be a little stressful, right? You're like.

• 1:19:41Lewis Howes?

  Managing all these things.

• 1:19:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm spending too much taxes, X, Y, and Z. It's a good problem to have, but it's a problem. But then, we started this scholarship for new writers who work at bookstores. And like, when I sent over the check, I was like, man, this is like the richest I've ever felt in my entire life. So, and I think that's true not just of money, it's true of like influence and kindness, right? Like, like as soon as you find something, it's when you give it away that you're like, oh, this is something I actually have.

• 1:20:11Lewis Howes?

  Wow, that's cool. Those are great lessons, man. I love that.

• 1:20:15Speaker 01

  So, wait, what are yours? Can I, like, what are, do they change?

• 1:20:19Lewis Howes?

  They've definitely evolved over time, but I would say my three truths in this moment would be

• 1:20:28Lewis Howes?

  to live in gratitude.

• 1:20:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:20:30Lewis Howes?

  And to really have a perspective of life and look

• 1:20:35Lewis Howes?

  at the beauty and the gratitude of the things that are happening as opposed to the negative side of things. Living in gratitude always makes me feel better. It always puts me in a state of appreciation. And when you appreciate something, it tends to appreciate in value, even emotionally. So, live in gratitude would be number one. Number two would be

• 1:20:58Lewis Howes?

  to make your health a, you know, a high focus daily, uh, physical, emotional, spiritual health.

• 1:21:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:21:07Lewis Howes?

  When you're sick, all you care about is being healthy, you know? And it's like, there's no other problem that matters in the world when you're sick, except for that thing. When you're healthy, you can have lots of problems, but it's like when you're sick, you've got one problem.

• 1:21:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:21:21Lewis Howes?

  Getting healthy again. So, stay healthy, because I think that'll enrich your view of life, your relationships, everything. You'll be able to move with more ease in the world and have more energy. And the third would be to live in service. You know, this is really living in service in relationships. Being a great listener, a great communicator, I think is a service.

• 1:21:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:21:44Lewis Howes?

  I remember when I was starting after football and starting to meet with these kind of mentors. I didn't know what value I could add to people. I didn't have skills, I didn't have money, I didn't have talent. I was just like, ah, they're meeting me, but what can I do for them?

• 1:22:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:22:02Lewis Howes?

  And I started to realize that asking them the right questions where they could reflect and remember stories and share was a great service to them.

• 1:22:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:22:12Lewis Howes?

  It opened them up, it got them excited. It's like they felt like they were empowering me by teaching. Like, I was adding a service to that and therefore developing a deeper relationships. And so, living in service to the people around you is how I'd say is my third truth.

• 1:22:30Speaker 01

  Those are, those are really beautiful.

• 1:22:32Lewis Howes?

  Gratitude, health, and service.

• 1:22:34Speaker 01

  I'm gonna totally steal them.

• 1:22:35Lewis Howes?

  I like yours though, I like yours. Final question for you, Charles, what's your definition of greatness?

• 1:22:42Speaker 01

  Honestly, my definition of greatness is that when that day comes when we die, that people show up and they say, you know what? I just really liked knowing this people, this person. My dad died about six years ago and, and I, we went to the funeral and all these people showed up, so many people. And they just said like, I like, like, your dad brought some joy into my life.

• 1:23:08Lewis Howes?

  Ah, that's cool.

• 1:23:09Speaker 01

  And, and he did lots of other stuff, right? He, but like, I, I don't know what could be greater than when you're no longer there for people to say like, I'm so glad I knew that person.

• 1:23:23Lewis Howes?

  Wow, that's cool. Yeah, that is greatness.

• 1:23:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:23:26Lewis Howes?

  Charles, thanks, man.

• 1:23:27Speaker 01

  Appreciate it.

• 1:23:27Lewis Howes?

  Thank you. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel. exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

• 1:24:10Lewis Howes?

  And now it's time to go out there and do something great.