Armchair Anonymous: Home Intruder

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a crazy home intruder story. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm joined by

• 0:06Speaker 01

  Who am I today? Michelle? Mary-Kate and Ashley Padman?

• 0:10Dax Shepard?

  Mary-Kate and Ashley Padman. Today, we have a scary prompt home intruder.

• 0:16Speaker 01

  This made me scared.

• 0:18Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, there was a lot of screaming. Trigger warning for your ears. Safety.

• 0:22Speaker 01

  There was a lot of good cautionary tale in this.

• 0:24Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, if you want to get neurotic, this is the episode for you because I've tightened things up. Please enjoy Home Intruder. We get support from Quince.

• 0:35Speaker 01

  I have to say, I am so ready for fall. I want sweaters. I've been craving a true crisp morning where I actually need a jacket. I can't wait.

• 0:44Dax Shepard?

  I'm fully there. The second it dips below 70, I'm like, this is my season. Give me the layers. Give me the boots. Give me a reason to wear something other than a t-shirt. And honestly, that's why I love Quince because fall is when your wardrobe actually has to show up and everything at Quince is 50 to 80% less than similar brands. We're talking 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, starting at $60.

• 1:06Speaker 01

  $60. $60 for cashmere that you'd expect from a luxury brand without the luxury price tag. It's amazing. Gets me every time. It really shouldn't be real, but it is because they go straight to the factories. They skip the middlemen and they just hand you the savings. The stuff isn't trendy. It's the kind of pieces you grab over and over because they work every time.

• 1:24Dax Shepard?

  The 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters for me are it. When I look at Steve McQueen, this man owned a couple of sweaters he wore all the time and he looks iconic.

• 1:33Speaker 01

  It's a uniform.

• 1:34Dax Shepard?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:35Speaker 01

  And Quince isn't just about the clothes. They have hotel quality bedding, cookware, bath essentials, thoughtfully designed furniture. You can really go there and outfit your entire apartment or house. So if you're in need of any kind of fall refresh at home, too, same quality, same attention to detail for every corner of your life.

• 1:52Dax Shepard?

  Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. This episode is presented by YouTube Premium. YouTube was already great, but Premium supercharges it. If you like YouTube, you'll love Premium. Try YouTube Premium for two months free at youtube.com/premium. Trial eligibility varies. Terms apply. Cancel anytime. Now let's get into today's episode.

• 2:53Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 2:54Speaker 02

  Hi.

• 2:55Dax Shepard?

  Is this Julia?

• 2:56Speaker 02

  This is.

• 2:57Dax Shepard?

  You're in some kind of recording space? Where are you?

• 3:00Speaker 02

  I am. I'm at my office, actually, and we have a local podcast.

• 3:04Dax Shepard?

  Oh, perfect. I love these sound deafening boards behind you. They're very attractive.

• 3:09Speaker 02

  It's a very old building. The walls aren't really closed in, so we had to make it soundproof.

• 3:14Dax Shepard?

  Where in the country are you?

• 3:15Speaker 02

  I'm in Ohio.

• 3:16Speaker 01

  Oh, wonderful. What's your local podcast about?

• 3:19Speaker 02

  So I work at a marketing agency. Our co-brand is called The Blaze Network, where we talk with local business owners about marketing, HR, all things business. So the podcast itself is called The Torch Talk.

• 3:31Speaker 01

  Oh, cool.

• 3:32Dax Shepard?

  And are you in Cleveland?

• 3:33Speaker 02

  No, Amish country. So I live in Worcester.

• 3:36Dax Shepard?

  I spent a lot of time around the Amish as a kid in southern Michigan. A lot of horse and buggies around?

• 3:41Speaker 02

  Always dodging the horse and bunnies, the bikes, the scooter.

• 3:45Dax Shepard?

  And do you have any wooden furniture in your home crafted by the Amish?

• 3:49Speaker 02

  I do not.

• 3:50Dax Shepard?

  But very popular, right?

• 3:51Speaker 02

  Yes, yes, very popular. And I do want to say you guys are our inspiration for our podcast. We are not experts. I'm like, okay, well, Dax and Monica, they do this. Their setup is like this. We need to be looking at them.

• 4:03Speaker 01

  That's flattering.

• 4:04Dax Shepard?

  Lovely. Okay, I would not want this for you. You're a very sweet person. I can tell already, but you had a home intruder?

• 4:11Speaker 02

  I did. Your prompts for this month were stalker or home intruder. And I was like, hold my beer. I've had both.

• 4:20Speaker 02

  So this actually took place in Maryland. I'm originally from Maryland outside of Baltimore. In 2016, I lived with two other roommates. So it was three young girls. We were all early mid twenties. And we just moved into our new apartment in the August. So right before school started, my one friend was a teacher at the time. Started noticing cigarette butts outside of like our patio. So we were on the ground level of apartment complex. So we had a little like bar top table out there, noticed a bunch of cigarette butts. We're like, that's weird. High school kids must be hanging out here. Maybe they were here before we moved in. We didn't notice it. Kept happening. Bottles, cigarettes.

• 4:56Speaker 02

  Fast forward to October, Halloween weekend, we wake up Sunday morning, open the blinds and see women's underwear on the door handle and semen on the door.

• 5:06Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 5:08Dax Shepard?

  Okay, now really quick, obviously you're deducing it semen because you saw fluid plus undies.

• 5:15Speaker 02

  Right.

• 5:15Speaker 01

  Ew.

• 5:16Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 5:16Speaker 02

  That's weird. So we called the non emergency police number. They come out. They're like, this is something you see in the movies. Laugh it off. Don't really do anything, then leave. So we're like, all right, let's remove the underwear. At first we thought it was kids underwear because it was very small, but then it was Playboy bunnies on it. So we're like, no, this is just small.

• 5:34Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 5:35Speaker 02

  So clean up the window.

• 5:37Dax Shepard?

  Really quick, there's three of you. How do you decide who has to clean it up? Whoever's got the highest threshold of gross?

• 5:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't remember who cleaned it up. I would probably say Emily was our mom there. So we probably had Emily.

• 5:49Dax Shepard?

  I'll tell you, you remember if you were the one that did.

• 5:52Speaker 01

  I would just break the window or door.

• 5:54Dax Shepard?

  Just get rid of it?

• 5:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't want to touch that.

• 5:57Speaker 02

  A couple of weekends go by and then not the underwear, but every weekend we wake up, there's semen on the door.

• 6:03Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 6:04Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God.

• 6:05Speaker 02

  We'll call the police. They come, don't really do anything about it, then leave. We start to get blinds up so they can't see through. We've noticed too that he's unscrewing the light bulb outside of the door so that like he can see in because it's right into our living room. Then we're like, well, we're going to catch him. Like we try to stay up at night. You know, this is after we come back from the bars. We're like, we're going to catch him tonight. Of course, those are the weekends that he doesn't stop by, or if we have like people over, he's clearly watching the area.

• 6:33Dax Shepard?

  Are you comforted at all by the fact that it's happening on the living room window and not one of the bedroom windows?

• 6:38Speaker 02

  A little bit. So we don't even really think of that. So there's like definitely heavier blinds in the bedrooms. Then we were like, we're going to get cameras. Of course, we can't afford like outdoor night cameras. So like, we'll just catch them one night. So then we get a really big curtain hung up because it's those plastic blinds that, you know, they just like break through. So probably it was about February, we noticed the next morning that the stool was scooted up close to the window. And there is now like a ball penis imprint on like the top, higher on the welding. So like he's trying to like peek over the blinds.

• 7:09Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 7:10Dax Shepard?

  And he's rubbing his genitals on the glass and leaving a mark. Okay. You said you moved in in August, so you're now at five months of this behavior, yeah?

• 7:19Speaker 02

  So that time we called the cops again because we had to just stop calling the cops at that point because there was nothing that they were doing. So then the cops come and he tells us that we were being dramatic, that it was dog slobber, that it was a big dog print. And I was like, sir, we are all adults. We know what semen looks like. We know what a penis imprint like. It's very clear that this is on the door. So then after that, I was like, okay, we're done calling cops. They're not doing anything. So then in March, so it's three roommates, Emily, Miranda. Emily's out of town for the weekend. Miranda's out that night. So it was Sunday night. Emily has like a little small rat dog, R I P Clyde. So I was at home that weekend with the dog.

• 7:57Speaker 02

  Sunday evening, I take Clyde out, let him go to the bathroom, come back in, shut the back door, lock it. I'm in the kitchen. He is freaking out, growling at the back door.

• 8:09Dax Shepard?

  Here we go.

• 8:09Speaker 02

  And I was on the phone with my boyfriend at the time, now husband. So I was like, what is this dog barking at? So I'm like going out, open the windows. I don't see anything because it's dark at that point. Like I try flipping on the lights. It's not turning on. So like I'm putting my face up against the window, like trying to look out to see what he's barking at. And then it dawns on me like, oh my God, he's standing on this other side of the store right now. And my face is pressed up against it and he turned the light off again. That's why the light switch is not working and that's what he's barking at. So I freak out and I'm like, what do I do? And he's like, well, hang up and call the cops. And I'm like, no. So I hang up and I call my little sister.

• 8:45Speaker 02

  She's like, get a knife and call the cops.

• 8:47Dax Shepard?

  Is your boyfriend back in Ohio still or something?

• 8:49Speaker 02

  He was in Missouri at the time. So then I called the cops. They come, they look around, don't see anything, did like a canvas of the area. So then they leave. Emily comes back home. Miranda's still out that night. So Miranda doesn't come home. We go to bed Sunday night and then I wake up to my lights being turned on in my bedroom. And I like wake up and the guy is creeped down by my bed, by my dresser, trying to like creep towards my bed. So I'm like, who are you? Like, what are you doing? And he keeps telling me like, shh, be quiet, be quiet. And I'm like, no, who are you? Like, I'm half asleep. I'm like, did Miranda come back with people? Is she looking for the bathroom? Cause my door is right by the bathroom. So I was really like, what the heck? And then he just kept walking towards me like telling me be quiet.

• 9:32Dax Shepard?

  And what did he look like? Like, how old is he?

• 9:34Speaker 02

  He was like in his twenties. I explained to the officers that he looked like a douchey soccer player cause he had like the track pants on, spiky hair and he was like kind of short. So then I started getting mad because you woke me up and you're telling me to be quiet. And then I start like waking up more and realizing what's happening. And then I'm like, okay, what would Olivia Benson do? So I jumped out of bed, yelled to Emily, call the cops, somebody's in the house. So he yells like, no, runs out of the bedroom. I run down the hallway after him, like to chase him out of the house. Emily, I see her kind of open her bedroom door and then shut it and lock it. So I always give her crap that she locked herself in her room. He runs out of the apartment. I lock the door, get the phone from Emily cause she's on the phone with the cops. I tell them somebody just broke in. So the operator like stays on the line until the cops get there.

• 10:19Speaker 02

  They're there for hours scanning, doing the fingerprints and everything. At that point in the timeline, the big curtains had fallen off because we don't know how to use drills and find anchors. They hang the curtains back up. They like put a chair underneath the door to block it. And we had those metal handles, but they're apparently useless. They're hollow aluminum and can be really easily maneuver because it's a sliding glass door.

• 10:44Dax Shepard?

  So that's how he got in?

• 10:46Speaker 02

  Yeah. He kept like jamming the door until he could break it open. And Emily said she heard something, but she thought it was just Miranda coming back, being drunk and just loud and stuff. We always blame it on Miranda. So the next morning we call our apartment complex. We're like, we are moving out of this apartment. This has been happening for months. We're not on the ground level anymore. So they wouldn't let us break our lease, but they said they would move us. So that day we all call off work. We're packing up the whole apartment to move buildings. And as we're going like back and forth out the back door, our neighbors to the side is like, what was happening last night? We saw a bunch of police activities. So we tell them, you know, somebody broke in and I was like, have you noticed anything? And then she yells up to the person that's on the balcony above her. And she's like, oh yeah, haven't you said you saw some guy hanging around here, trying to break into their utility closet?

• 11:31Speaker 02

  And she's like, oh yeah, someone's been here trying to get into your guys' utility closet for like weeks. I'm like, why wouldn't you think to tell us?

• 11:39Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 11:40Speaker 02

  So then the lieutenant comes over that day. I blast him like, we've been calling you guys for months. You haven't done anything. You laughed at us. You told us we were being dramatic. And he's like, I'm so sorry. We're going to take this really serious. They have the crime scene that comes out the next day. Cause there was semen on the door from a few weeks before that we just got tired of cleaning it up. So we kind of just like locked it there.

• 12:01Dax Shepard?

  Turning into like where birds hang out.

• 12:03Speaker 01

  Literally.

• 12:06Speaker 02

  So they come and like scan it and stuff. And then we move buildings. And then the building that the apartment complex moved us into, the back door was broken. That was gonna get fixed. So then my boyfriend ends up coming out cause he coached football. So he was on spring break. So he came out and him and Miranda like taped up the whole back door with cardboard with like one little peek hole. So we just blocked out our, all of our doors and windows. So we moved apartments. Never heard anything out from there. I moved to Ohio a year and a half later and they had reached out to me, said they think they caught them. They wanted me to come testify, but they gave me like a date range. And I was like, I can come testify, but like, I need to know what date. Cause I have to travel back from Ohio. And they're like, well, unfortunately he broke into a lot of other places after yours. So we have on there people that can testify.

• 12:50Speaker 02

  So I didn't have to go back. So I never knew what happened to him.

• 12:52Dax Shepard?

  Did they send you a picture though?

• 12:54Speaker 02

  Mm hmm. But before we moved out, I ended up getting a dog like in the next apartment complex that we moved into. So me, Miranda and my dog were all out in the common grassy area. This was June and I saw him cross the parking lot and walk and just deadlocked, like made eye contact with him and my dog, he was a 12 week old puppy. But he got up and stood in front of me and just scrouled at the guy the whole time. And Miranda was like, that looks like the guy you described that broke into the apartment. I was like, no, that was the guy that broke into our apartment. And that was like the last time I saw him.

• 13:26Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 13:27Dax Shepard?

  Do you think he lived in the apartment complex?

• 13:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's what they said, that he lived in there. So yeah, he was there watching us the whole time.

• 13:33Speaker 01

  Ew.

• 13:34Speaker 02

  So now we all sleep with fast fire door. I always tell my husband, I'm like, I'm sleeping on the outside because you're a hard sleeper. Like I will try to deal with the next person breaks in. I'm going to be up and ready again.

• 13:44Speaker 01

  Just waking up and seeing, oh my God.

• 13:47Dax Shepard?

  No, that is, I mean, thank gosh, you have roommates and they bring people home. It's always better that at first you thought, oh, some dude came back from the bar and can't find the bathroom. Like that's a little better of a thought than, oh my God, there's a man in my room that's come here.

• 14:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:01Dax Shepard?

  How did you sleep that following night?

• 14:04Speaker 02

  We didn't. So we were in the living room, like we brought our mattress out in there. We watched Empress New Groove. Actually we watched parenthood too. So like, we just stayed up the whole night watching that. That was our show of the season. We all slept in the living room together for probably about like three weeks.

• 14:18Dax Shepard?

  Oh my God. This is terrible. I hate that one lone idiot male can cause this kind of ruckus and damage. God damn it, guys. Let's get it together.

• 14:29Speaker 01

  Oh horrible, horrible. I'm glad he was caught.

• 14:33Dax Shepard?

  I want to know what his ism is. You know, you're leaving your DNA everywhere.

• 14:37Speaker 02

  Right. He was not very smart.

• 14:39Speaker 01

  Right.

• 14:39Dax Shepard?

  And he didn't have gloves on when he was in your house, I presume?

• 14:42Speaker 02

  Nope.

• 14:43Dax Shepard?

  Well, hopefully between the fingerprints at your joint and the semen on the thing, he got removed for a period of time.

• 14:50Speaker 02

  Yeah. I never know what happened. Like after they went to court and stuff, I didn't have his name to look it back up. But that's my story.

• 14:56Dax Shepard?

  Oh, well, it's harrowing and I hate it.

• 14:59Speaker 01

  I didn't like that at all, but we are happy to talk to you.

• 15:02Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 15:03Speaker 02

  And then if I can shout out my brother, my sister-in-law, we're all armchairs. I told them as soon as I submitted my story, I was like, I just submitted it. And then when I got the email, I like called them before I opened it up like a college exec. So I can read it together with them. I was like, you have to answer my video call.

• 15:20Speaker 01

  That's so sweet.

• 15:22Dax Shepard?

  Well, a family of geniuses, clearly.

• 15:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:25Dax Shepard?

  All of you like the show.

• 15:28Speaker 01

  Oh, we're flattered.

• 15:29Dax Shepard?

  Well, Julia, lovely meeting you.

• 15:31Speaker 02

  Thank you. You guys as well.

• 15:32Dax Shepard?

  Okay, take care.

• 15:34Speaker 03

  Hello?

• 15:35Dax Shepard?

  Hi Kelly, where are you?

• 15:37Speaker 03

  Okay. Well, I'm from Whittier, but I live in Huntington Beach, but I'm not Huntington Beach, if that makes sense.

• 15:43Dax Shepard?

  You're not there currently or just you're not a Huntington Beach person?

• 15:47Speaker 03

  There you go.

• 15:48Dax Shepard?

  Cause for the non-Californians, if we had to do a stereotype, very associated with UFC guys and that kind of vibe?

• 15:55Speaker 03

  Nazis. Yeah.

• 15:57Speaker 01

  Oh wow. Yeah.

• 15:58Dax Shepard?

  Nazis, UFC fighters.

• 15:59Speaker 03

  I am not that.

• 16:02Speaker 01

  Well, we appreciate that about you.

• 16:03Dax Shepard?

  It's a shame because it's such a cute little beach town.

• 16:05Speaker 03

  I hate to have to give that disclaimer.

• 16:07Dax Shepard?

  Sometimes the few, you know, they spoil the whole basket. Okay. So you have a home intrusion story.

• 16:14Speaker 03

  I do. Forty-five years ago, I was eight years old. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I can smell it. I can see it. I can hear it. I can taste it. We used to spend most of our time in Mexico. We had a house in Mexico that we were building, not extravagant Mexico, Baja California. We were motorcycle, dirt bike, water ski people.

• 16:35Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 16:36Speaker 03

  And so we were always coming and going and we got home that night about midnight.

• 16:39Dax Shepard?

  In Mexico or in Whittier?

• 16:41Speaker 03

  We got home to Whittier about midnight. I pulled the trick that all kids do where you fall asleep in the car. So your dad has to carry you to bed, which is the move. And I was not a small child, so props to my dad for carrying my heavy ass to my bed. And then 3:30 AM happens and I hear my mom scream, there's someone in the house. At the top of her lungs. And I used to be a sleeper that like you could drop a bomb in my room. I would not wake up. I immediately just panicked and froze, laid in my bed. And then I hear high pitched, like that kind of breathing and heavy, heavy footsteps. And it's my naked dad jumping out of bed to chase this dude through our house.

• 17:25Dax Shepard?

  And he's nude. He's sleeping in the raw.

• 17:27Speaker 03

  Always. We're naked sleepers. My mom woke up because our dogs used to sleep at the foot of their bed. And our girl dog who liked no one, she did a little growl and it woke her up. And the guy was at the foot of her bed with a ski mask and a pen light in his mouth, going through my dad's fucking pants pockets.

• 17:43Speaker 01

  No. What? So ballsy, just like with them sleeping right there?

• 17:49Speaker 03

  We must've been so tired because my mom could hear anything while sleeping.

• 18:01Dax Shepard?

  We get support from our presenting sponsor YouTube Premium. Now, you already know I'm a big YouTube person. It's incredible on its own, but Premium makes the whole experience feel enhanced. Like you don't realize how much better it can get until you try it. The biggest game changer for me, background play. I love long two hour deep dives, you name it, motorcycles, travel cars.

• 18:26Speaker 01

  Cooking shows for me.

• 18:28Dax Shepard?

  Cooking. Listen, with Premium, you don't have to keep the screen open. So I can lock my phone, slide it into my pocket and listen to a podcast while I'm folding laundry or working out. It's also completely ad free, meaning when a narrator is building up to the climax of an insane story, there's zero interruption. And for travel, offline download saves the day. I love this one. Relying on airplane wifi can be a gamble, so I just download my favorite videos before takeoff. And with smart downloads, Premium will automatically download new videos from channels you actually follow without having to lift a finger. I'm covered if I forget to download a video I want to watch, or even if there's no service. And the home run for me is that YouTube Premium remembers exactly where I left off

• 19:10Dax Shepard?

  and lets me continue watching on another device from right where I stopped. So I can start a video on my TV while brushing my teeth and pick it right back up on my phone on my morning walk. So yeah, YouTube was already great, but Premium supercharges it. If you like YouTube, you'll love Premium. Try YouTube Premium for two months free at youtube.com/premium. Trial eligibility varies, terms apply, cancel anytime. We get support from Superhuman. I'm someone who wants to do big, meaningful work, but the small stuff eats up my day before I even get to it. The endless emails, docs, scheduling, follow ups that pile up. By the time all that's cleared, there's no energy left for the ambitious stuff. Most AI tools promise to fix that, but they require opening a new tab, re-explaining

• 19:55Dax Shepard?

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• 20:40Dax Shepard?

  So we talk a lot on this show about how the world is different now than when we were growing up. And one of the biggest differences is obviously social media. And I think a lot of people wonder, okay, what's actually being done to make it safer for teenagers?

• 20:53Speaker 01

  Which is a fair question.

• 20:54Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, so Instagram has got something called Teen Accounts, and they come with automatic protections built in by default. So anyone between 13 and 17 is automatically placed into this experience. They get age appropriate content settings, contact limits, so that by default, only people they're already connected to can message them. And time management tools, daily time limit reminders, and also sleep mode that mutes notifications from 10:00 PM to 7:00 AM.

• 21:20Speaker 01

  Sleep mode is genius.

• 21:21Dax Shepard?

  Right? And here's the thing, for anyone under 16, a parent has to give permission to change any of those settings to be less strict. The guardrails are on, and Instagram keeps building new safety features to create age appropriate experiences for teens.

• 21:37Speaker 01

  I am really glad Instagram's helping to give parents peace of mind with Teen Accounts.

• 21:41Dax Shepard?

  Learn more about Teen Accounts and Instagram's ongoing work to protect teens online at instagram.com/teenaccounts. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. We've talked before about Rob building our website on Squarespace, and I bring it up again because it's a perfect example of what they do well. Rob had all the pieces, the content, the vision, the ideas, but he needed something to actually take all that and make it public facing. And Squarespace was that bridge. Maybe you're in the same spot. You've been developing something, a business, a skillset, a body of work, and it's been private, it's been yours, but at some point, you're ready to put it out there. And that transition from private to public can feel like a huge leap. Squarespace makes it feel like a step.

• 22:25Dax Shepard?

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• 23:02Speaker 03

  So Chase and Sue's, he goes out the back door, and mind you, this is 1980, we don't lock the doors.

• 23:07Dax Shepard?

  You don't want to be rude.

• 23:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, that would be rude. Like, we want you to break our shit to get to our stuff.

• 23:12Dax Shepard?

  You want to be able to yell, come on in.

• 23:13Speaker 03

  So they run out the back door, and the guy goes over the block wall into our neighbor's yard. Well, mind you, my dad, naked, he grabs the guy by the shirt and gets pulled over the wall and scrapes from tip to tail, from nose to ankles. And when he landed, he landed on his knee that he'd just recovered from blowing his knee out, and he blew it out again. So meanwhile, I'm still frozen dead in my bed, just panicking. And next thing I know, I look up and I see something standing in my doorway. And I'm like, oh my God, it's someone else. Well, unbeknownst to me, my aunt had made me a clown costume for Halloween, because it was Halloween.

• 23:56Speaker 03

  It was October 31st that day that happened, and I was supposed to be going to school wearing my fancy clown costume to go to the little school parade. Well, she came over while we were gone, and she hung it in my doorway so I would see it, not knowing that we would not be awake and that we would get robbed in the middle of the night.

• 24:13Dax Shepard?

  What if the robber had screamed as he saw?

• 24:17Speaker 01

  Like a Home Alone situation?

• 24:19Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, if I saw a fucking clown hanging, I would be, oh shit, I robbed him the wrong house, man, there's crazy clowns in here.

• 24:27Speaker 03

  I look up, see this person in my doorway, panic. And then the next thing I know is I see another silhouette with a giant ass knife. Well, it's my mom. She ran to the kitchen and got the biggest, baddest knife we owned, and she was clutching that thing, ready to get anybody that was getting at her baby. I jump out of bed and she grabs me, we go to the kitchen, she makes two phone calls. First to my Papa, her daddy, and then 911.

• 24:51Speaker 01

  No one calls 911 first for a reason that really does not compute.

• 24:57Speaker 03

  Papa showed up before the cops and he was armed to the teeth.

• 25:00Dax Shepard?

  That's why you call Papa first. He has no other calls.

• 25:03Speaker 01

  You're right, but most of these stories, people are calling people far away.

• 25:06Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, they're not going to give any help.

• 25:09Speaker 03

  Luckily Papa was only about a mile and a quarter from us.

• 25:11Dax Shepard?

  Did Papa have to confront naked father? Like, I guess Papa probably doesn't want to see son in law naked.

• 25:18Speaker 03

  Oh no, he's seen it all, we're that kind of family.

• 25:20Dax Shepard?

  Okay, all right, that's fine.

• 25:21Speaker 03

  So Papa shows up, we meet him in the yard, my mom's got that death grip on that knife. And he shows up and he's ready to rumble, like he doesn't know who he has to get, what he has to do. By the way, my dad, we don't know where he is, he's gone. My mom's standing out there, she has chonies in one hand and a butcher knife in the other, because she knows my naked dad is somewhere in the neighborhood.

• 25:41Dax Shepard?

  He's gonna need to put some slacks on.

• 25:42Speaker 03

  Cops show up, I think two cars, maybe three, they all get out and they see my Papa there looking like Rambo, just ready to rumble. And they see this woman that's like panicking, and it took four cops to pry her fingers off that knife. She was not letting go of that knife, and she's trying to explain to them, I don't know where my husband is, I don't know what's happening. And then we see this zombie like creature running down the middle of the street, covered from head to toe in blood, with his knee popped out a joint, so literally like a zombie running down the street, and it's my father. And the cops freak, they all draw their guns, and she's like, no, that's my husband.

• 26:23Dax Shepard?

  That's the victim.

• 26:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's the victim, the naked bloody guy. He runs right past the cops, jumps in his van and hauls ass. He's gonna go find these guys.

• 26:33Dax Shepard?

  He's like a hound dog.

• 26:34Speaker 03

  Oh, he is on the scent. And so it turns out, we never found him, but it clearly was not one person, because when we got back in the house, the cops went with us to look at all the stuff. They'd taken TV, stereo equipment, speakers, my mom's purse, which that's another part of the PTSD that kicks in. So they had her purse with, you know, mom wallet back in the day, 900 pictures in there. So for like six months to a year, every time we went anywhere, my mom was like, that's the guy. Like she just knew, like, we don't know what they look like, he had a ski mask on. And so that was like the trauma that stuck with me forever.

• 27:13Speaker 03

  And so until the day that I met my husband, I woke up every single night at three thirty AM like in a panic sweat.

• 27:21Dax Shepard?

  Man, wow.

• 27:22Speaker 03

  It just doesn't go away. Now it's in my DNA to like panic every night and have an anxiety attack. Yeah. So we never found the guy. Luckily, none of us were hurt, but that was a day that clowns became one of my biggest fears. And so that's my little home intruder story from nineteen eighty one.

• 27:40Dax Shepard?

  The thing I'm distracted by, which is not relevant at all, is simply, that's another unique thing about the eighties is we too had someone rob our house and they stole a TV and jamboxes. Back in the eighties, a Zenith TV, like a console TV, that thing was eleven hundred dollars. They used to be such a more significant chunk of your income. Now everything's free. No robber is stealing a sixty inch TV. They can't resell it for anything.

• 28:06Speaker 03

  To mention the fact that it probably weighed five hundred pounds.

• 28:08Speaker 01

  That's what I'm saying. How did they get those TVs out of there?

• 28:11Speaker 03

  I was impressed. Actually, after I thought about it, I was like, how did they get all of our shit out there without us waking up and where did it go? I mean, they must have had a U-Haul truck in the front yard. I don't know.

• 28:20Dax Shepard?

  But you could have never predicted that the end of this kind of theft would be that just everything got so cheap that it wouldn't be worth it. It's just such a bizarre outcome. Like people just don't do that. We have a photo.

• 28:31Speaker 03

  This was literally the twenty four hours before. Now this gives you a little idea of my family. That's my crazy dad and my mom and me in the middle.

• 28:39Dax Shepard?

  You're on a three wheeler. This is so eighty one.

• 28:42Speaker 03

  That was my three wheeler.

• 28:43Dax Shepard?

  Was it a Honda?

• 28:44Speaker 03

  It was.

• 28:46Speaker 01

  That is so cute.

• 28:48Speaker 03

  And then the next year I rolled over on that thing, fell into a trash pit and cut open my wrist. So that was also another little trauma.

• 28:55Dax Shepard?

  My daughter's got a beautiful scar on her knee from off-road adventuring. You collect receipts, as I say.

• 29:01Speaker 03

  Those are all stories for the future.

• 29:03Dax Shepard?

  Well, Kelly, you're delightful. It's such an eighty story, a naked dad climbing the fence. Like, I don't think men try to fight the intruders anymore. I think that's passed mostly too.

• 29:12Speaker 03

  I know. I don't even think it was in his mind to even think to not chase the guy. What if he had a weapon?

• 29:18Dax Shepard?

  I know. You don't care about that. You're naked. Let's go.

• 29:21Speaker 03

  Let's go.

• 29:23Dax Shepard?

  Well, Kelly, I'm glad you made it. Dad's kind of a hero in this story. He hit legend status for this.

• 29:27Speaker 03

  He's still a legend. Gonna be seventy eight in eight days and still kicking ass, doing all the dad things.

• 29:36Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I love it. Well, have a great summer and enjoy that beach community. Don't get beat up in a cage match.

• 29:42Speaker 03

  We won't. I don't go to the beach at all in the summer here. We go Northern California. All right, guys. Thank you so much.

• 29:49Dax Shepard?

  Take care.

• 29:50Speaker 03

  Bye.

• 29:50Dax Shepard?

  Bye.

• 29:52Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 29:53Dax Shepard?

  Molly?

• 29:54Speaker 04

  Hello.

• 29:55Dax Shepard?

  Tell me about this shirt.

• 29:56Speaker 04

  I actually just got it on a recent trip to Paris.

• 29:59Speaker 01

  I'm going next week. I'm so excited.

• 30:02Speaker 04

  Are you?

• 30:02Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 30:03Speaker 04

  It was incredible. I was there for Fashion Week.

• 30:06Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 30:06Speaker 04

  So beginning of March. It was a dream.

• 30:09Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. Where did you get it? I want to talk to you about shopping.

• 30:12Speaker 04

  There was an incredible consignment shop that we found on the first day. I was actually there. I work at a consignment shop and our boss took us. It was a dream.

• 30:20Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 30:20Speaker 04

  And we found another consignment shop and it's where I did all my shopping.

• 30:24Dax Shepard?

  Well, for the listener, your shirt, if I had to give it a title, if it was hanging in a museum, the name of the shirt would be Fuck You Convention. Because you've mixed leopard print and plaid, which I think is a no-no in fashion.

• 30:37Speaker 01

  No, there's not really no-no's.

• 30:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, there were. They were like, you can't wear this kind of pattern and stripes.

• 30:43Speaker 01

  I know, but if you had style, you could get away with anything.

• 30:46Dax Shepard?

  Okay, I'm so sorry.

• 30:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm glad we talked about this.

• 30:49Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. I thought leopard and plaid didn't go together, but now I see they do.

• 30:52Speaker 04

  In my opinion, plaid is neutral.

• 30:54Dax Shepard?

  Neutral, yeah. And where are you at, Molly, in the country?

• 30:57Speaker 04

  I'm in Canada, on West Coast.

• 30:59Dax Shepard?

  In B C?

• 31:00Speaker 04

  Victoria.

• 31:01Dax Shepard?

  Oh, great. Okay, so you have a home intruder story.

• 31:05Speaker 04

  I do. This happened February of twenty twenty, so right before the pandemic.

• 31:11Speaker 01

  Bad year for you.

• 31:12Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, twenty twenty was a year.

• 31:15Speaker 04

  I was home. It was about eight PM in the evening, so not in the middle of the night when our imagination typically thinks these things happen. My husband was putting our eight-year-old to bed and our two upstairs sleeping in their crib. And I was at our dining room table doing my evening ritual of puzzling, drinking wine and listening to my true crime podcast.

• 31:44Dax Shepard?

  Sounds like you got a really dreamy husband. He's like, hon, go ahead and drink some wine, listen to your true crime podcast, build a puzzle and I'll put the kids to bed. This sounds like you got a real winner.

• 31:53Speaker 04

  I do. He's the best. Even though bedtimes were a tricky time for us, we typically traded back and forth, but this was a his night.

• 32:01Dax Shepard?

  It feels like a wrestling match. Like, okay, let's do it.

• 32:03Speaker 04

  Exactly. Our dining room had a glass two-way swinging door between our dining room and our kitchen. And I was at the dining room table with my back to the glass door. And actually to note, earlier in the evening, I had clocked that our back door was unlocked. And said to myself, you know, I'm gonna let the dog out again before I go upstairs. I'll lock it after I let the dog out. Victoria's a very safe city for the most part. I grew up here and my parents never locked the door when I was growing up. So I'm sitting doing my puzzle and all of a sudden, like not a sound happens, but I just had that spidey sense that like you gotta clock your surroundings. And I turn around and there's a strange man standing in my kitchen.

• 32:46Dax Shepard?

  Who's looking at you or back to you?

• 32:49Speaker 04

  He's facing me. I clock immediately. This guy's not looking anywhere. He is under the influence of something. He's kind of staring off into nothingness. I can tell immediately. And as I'm processing this man, there's a door between us and four feet at most.

• 33:08Dax Shepard?

  What's he look like?

• 33:09Speaker 04

  Caucasian, maybe twenties, smaller. He's an addict.

• 33:15Speaker 01

  He's skinny.

• 33:16Dax Shepard?

  He's not at full weight.

• 33:16Speaker 04

  I clocked that immediately.

• 33:18Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. He doesn't look healthy.

• 33:20Speaker 04

  No. As I'm processing what I'm seeing, I watch him look at the counter and pick up the chef's knife.

• 33:28Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 33:29Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 33:30Speaker 04

  And at this point, I start running through the house screaming. My husband hears. He's fast asleep in our kids' bedroom. Her bedroom is on the main floor, which is where I am. He comes out. He has no idea what's happening.

• 33:44Dax Shepard?

  Now you have two disoriented males.

• 33:46Speaker 04

  Exactly. I scream at him. There's a man in the kitchen with a knife. He runs one way and I run the other. This is the last I see of him for a while.

• 33:56Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 33:57Speaker 04

  I grab my daughter out of her bed and haul her up the stairs. I grab my baby out of their crib. I just close us because I don't have a lock on my en suite in our en suite bathroom and I call nine one one. I have my phone, thankfully. I didn't know this, but when you call nine one one, you don't necessarily have your phone call picked up immediately.

• 34:22Speaker 01

  Oh, it's so annoying, actually. Sometimes it just rings.

• 34:26Speaker 04

  There's not a dispatcher available to take the call, I suppose. This felt like it went on for fifteen minutes. Of course, I'm trying to stay calm. My two-year-old is fast asleep, hasn't woken up, but my eight-year-old is clocking what's happening. And I'm really trying to stay calm for her. Finally, somebody picks up the call. I tell them that there's a man in my house with a knife, the address, all those things. I don't remember what other questions she asked me. But I do know that even though the phone call took a long time to go through, there was already cops in our neighborhood. And they got to the house really quickly. I was only on the phone for like two minutes before she said there was somebody at the house.

• 35:11Dax Shepard?

  That's comforting.

• 35:12Speaker 04

  But then as I'm still on the phone with her, at one point she goes, ma'am, you need to tell your husband, under no circumstance should he ever go after the perpetrator.

• 35:20Dax Shepard?

  I'll be sure to tell him that later tonight when I, this is over.

• 35:23Speaker 01

  I'm gonna go interrupt right now.

• 35:25Dax Shepard?

  He has, don't chase this guy.

• 35:27Speaker 04

  Yeah. After a few more minutes on the phone with her, I hear somebody come up the stairs. Of course, I know the cops are pretty there. I assume it's gonna be someone I wanna see, but there's still also when you're hiding, I don't know who's coming through the door. It was my husband who came and grabbed us. And we come downstairs and there's ten cops in my house. And I immediately go, where's the dog? And they're like, there's a dog in this house? Because that's actually usually something that they wanna know before they come into a house. And I said, oh, yeah, we have a hundred and ten pound Catahoula American Bulldog cross.

• 36:05Speaker 04

  Guard dog. Nobody has seen or heard from her.

• 36:08Dax Shepard?

  Well, where was he at the job when this guy first came in? What was he or she doing?

• 36:13Speaker 04

  Exactly. My husband, Logan, immediately runs outside thinking in the commotion, maybe she left, followed him out the door. One of the cops asks me to step into our spare room with him to get my statement. Turn on the light in the spare room. I still have my kids clinging to me. Our dog is on the bed shaking. She doesn't respond to the large man in uniform. I've never, not again, not before that had ever seen my dog like this. And Logan comes back in the house and closes the door. And that's when she gets up and starts barking.

• 36:52Speaker 01

  Not helpful.

• 36:53Dax Shepard?

  Weird. How do we explain this? She's a coward?

• 36:55Speaker 04

  I can tell you, she knew she fucked up. From that day on, she was alerting us to every minute thing that happened.

• 37:05Dax Shepard?

  Trying to make up for her failure.

• 37:07Speaker 04

  Absolutely.

• 37:08Dax Shepard?

  Wow. So she was there for the whole thing and just stayed quiet on a bed shaking?

• 37:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 37:12Dax Shepard?

  Okay. So she gets a D.

• 37:14Speaker 01

  A D for dog.

• 37:16Dax Shepard?

  So when you finally heard from your husband, what was his interaction? Did he interact with the guy in the kitchen?

• 37:21Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah. He ran at this man. He tackled him, smashed his hand to get the knife out of his hand, picked him up and carried him out of the house. At that point, this guy got up and started running. And this is when the dispatcher scolded me because my husband ran up the street after this guy and tackled him to the ground. Luckily, the cops showed up just then because my biggest fear was actually that my husband was gonna hurt this guy. In my mind, that was kind of a worst case scenario. My husband is gonna hurt this man. God forbid he kill him in self-defense and protecting his family. But like, we're not recovering from that.

• 38:02Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 38:03Speaker 04

  Nobody was hurt. The guy, his name was actually Cody, was arrested that night and was actually only in jail for not even 24 hours before he made bail. We did press charges. It went to court. He was charged with breaking and entering and brandishing a weapon. It was a really sad story, though. He was put up to it. He was an addict.

• 38:28Speaker 01

  Was he there to rob?

• 38:29Dax Shepard?

  Probably get money for drugs.

• 38:31Speaker 04

  Yeah. It actually just made me feel sad for him. It was a relief to know there was no intent. He just tried my door and it happened to be open.

• 38:39Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow. What was his sentence? Fromation?

• 38:42Speaker 04

  I think so, actually. To be honest, I didn't really follow it. This was the biggest surprise to me. And after all of this, I immediately get on the phone with my therapist going, I've just experienced trauma. I need a session ASAP. We gotta process this. I get to my therapy appointment and I'm like, yeah, like this is traumatizing. I'm going to be traumatized. How do I deal with this trauma that's going to happen to me? And she's like, going to happen? And I was like, well, I feel fine right now, but like this has to be traumatizing. And she asks me, what would you have done differently? Given the opportunity to relive this experience? And I go, well, I protected my kids. My husband protected us.

• 39:27Speaker 04

  No one was hurt. He was arrested. There's absolutely nothing that I would have done differently.

• 39:33Speaker 01

  The dog needs therapy, but other than that, other than that, pretty good.

• 39:37Speaker 04

  Yeah. It was a great lesson in remembering how trauma works. And then it's not something that happens to you. It's something that happens in your body as a response to something. And it really wasn't a traumatizing experience in the end for any of us, which is great. It was a crazy thing that happened.

• 39:53Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I've heard a great saying, someone talking about, don't mind for trauma. Don't be trying to find it and dig for it.

• 39:59Speaker 01

  You'll probably get some.

• 40:00Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah. He'll come by some honestly.

• 40:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:02Dax Shepard?

  Well, Molly, you have a very Scandinavian response to this whole thing. It's very like, I get it. Life is complicated. People have struggles. Sometimes they end up in your house and that's part of doing business on planet Earth. Yeah. So it sounds like as good of a version as you can have, really.

• 40:19Speaker 04

  Kind of, yeah.

• 40:20Speaker 01

  Well, it was very nice to meet you.

• 40:21Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, very nice to meet you. Enjoy that beautiful Canadian summer.

• 40:24Speaker 04

  Really nice to meet you both, too.

• 40:26Dax Shepard?

  All right, take care.

• 40:27Speaker 04

  Have a good one.

• 40:36Dax Shepard?

  We get support by Peloton. You know that feeling when you're spiraling over a problem and you just can't figure it out? When that happens to me, I need a change of pace. And I've found that running is the best way. It takes my brain out of the driver's seat and I come back with a fresh perspective. Running can be freeing and cathartic and Peloton helps you feel all of that. And now that feeling fits wherever you need it with the new Peloton Tread Flex. It's movable and foldable, designed to fit your life. So next time you feel stuck, you can go for a run literally anywhere, whether that's in your office, living room, or even the attic. Plus, they have classes with expert instructors and programs to meet you at any level and keep you moving. Let yourself run.

• 41:20Dax Shepard?

  Explore the new Peloton Tread Flex at onepeloton.com. This episode is supported by Helix.

• 41:28Speaker 01

  Dax, is there anything better than crawling into a perfect bed on a cold fall night? Candlelit, hoodie on, maybe even some rain outside. The dream.

• 41:39Dax Shepard?

  That's the dream. You just described one of my ideal fall nights.

• 41:43Speaker 01

  I know. And thanks to Helix, my bed actually lives up to the vibe. All I had to do was take the Helix Sleep Quiz and within two minutes, they matched me to a mattress built for exactly how I sleep. I have a midnight mattress. It also has cooling technology, which I really.

• 41:59Dax Shepard?

  Increasingly so.

• 42:00Speaker 01

  I need it. I have to have it. And I heard that you're supposed to sleep at a cold temp for optimal sleep. It's very, very helpful.

• 42:10Dax Shepard?

  She is not wrong. I have one too, and it's been such a game changer for sleep. And I love that they make it so easy. Free shipping right to your door. And with their happy with Helix guarantee, you'll get a full 365 nights to try it. A whole year to live in that cozy. They've got over 20 mattress models, so no matter how you sleep, they've got one for you.

• 42:30Speaker 01

  And it's not just us saying it. Helix has been named the most awarded mattress brand by Forbes, Wired, and more. You gotta try it for yourself.

• 42:37Dax Shepard?

  Go to helixsleep.com/armchair for 20% off site wide. That's helixsleep.com/armchair for 20% off site wide. Helixsleep.com/armchair. We get support from Skims. So Monica just informed me that she's a girl's girl and I nodded like I knew exactly what that meant.

• 42:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, but the girls who get it, they get it.

• 43:02Dax Shepard?

  Okay, but for those of us who are clearly not girls, walk me through it.

• 43:05Speaker 01

  Well, you know how much I love my Skims fleece joggers? Because the plush fleece is so soft, it's cozy, it's really comfortable without feeling too heavy. Well, I went to friend them and she would not stop talking about how comfy they were. She almost didn't give them back to me, which was upsetting, but I'm a girl's girl, so I let her have it.

• 43:23Dax Shepard?

  Great, great, great.

• 43:24Speaker 01

  So the sleep sets are awesome because they are very soft and comfortable, but they're cute. If I'm in my sleep set, I feel fine about going down the street to pick up my food. I'm still looking cute, but I'm comfy and I'm cozy.

• 43:37Dax Shepard?

  Roger.

• 43:38Speaker 01

  A really fun thing to do is if you're going on vacation with your girlfriends, to get matching Skims pajamas. I've done this with Callie and it is so fun. First of all, the pics are so cute, but also it's just fun and friendship.

• 43:51Dax Shepard?

  So a girl's girl is looking out for your friends with better loungewear. I get it. Am I one of your girls now?

• 43:56Speaker 01

  You are. You and the other girlies can shop my favorite loungewear and pajamas at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcasts in the survey and be sure to select our show in the drop down menu that follows.

• 44:19Dax Shepard?

  Lynn?

• 44:19Speaker 05

  That's me. Hi.

• 44:21Dax Shepard?

  Where are you, Lynn?

• 44:22Speaker 05

  I'm in Illinois, outside of Chicago.

• 44:24Dax Shepard?

  Oh, let's go, Rob.

• 44:26Speaker 06

  Yeah, what part?

• 44:27Speaker 05

  Originally Downers Grove.

• 44:28Speaker 06

  I know Downers Grove. It's not far for me.

• 44:30Speaker 01

  Who knows it?

• 44:31Speaker 05

  That's where our story takes place.

• 44:33Dax Shepard?

  Okay, I just wanna point out that your surroundings currently are so immaculate. I would love to be invited into your home. It's so clean and orderly.

• 44:43Speaker 05

  Anytime, my daughter would love it.

• 44:47Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so you have a home intrusion story?

• 44:50Speaker 05

  Well, not exactly. It wasn't an intruder. My husband actually let her in.

• 44:55Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay. Well, set the stage for us. And by the way, we're not strict, so we don't care. It could be anything for us.

• 45:01Speaker 05

  Okay, so it was Thursday, 2008, 2:30 in the morning. My husband's leaving for work. He was a commercial garbage man. He's backing out of the drive and there's a person there. So he stops. She knocks on his window. It's a young woman. She said she needs help. She needs to call her dad. Can she use the phone? So he brings her in the house. He comes down, wakes me up and says, hey Lynn, you gotta wake up. I let this girl in. She's gotta use the phone. I gotta go to work. And he leaves.

• 45:33Speaker 01

  Oh, boy. Oh, no.

• 45:34Dax Shepard?

  2:30 in the morning.

• 45:36Speaker 05

  2:30 in the morning. So I get up, I go upstairs. Here's this young girl, woman. She has a cami on.

• 45:43Dax Shepard?

  What's a cami?

• 45:44Speaker 05

  Like a tank top.

• 45:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, skinny straps.

• 45:46Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 45:46Speaker 05

  Yeah, her underwear and a towel from my utility room wrapped around her waist.

• 45:51Speaker 01

  No.

• 45:52Speaker 05

  Swear to God, nothing else.

• 45:53Dax Shepard?

  Wow. I'm kind of impressed your husband got right out of there to go to work. Yeah, it's kind of a feather in his cap that he didn't want to help her make the call.

• 46:01Speaker 05

  I look at her from her fingertips to just below her elbows. Her arms are covered in blood. They literally look like if you dipped them in a bucket and then pulled them out. So we go in the utility room, we run the water, we're gonna clean this all up. She starts telling me that her husband is a Downers Grove police officer trying to kill her. And she just needs to call her dad so that he can come get her. So we have a daughter. She's 17. She's asleep on the sofa in the family room at this point. This girl's cleaning up. We call her the bloody lady because we never found her.

• 46:37Dax Shepard?

  The Bloody Lady.

• 46:39Speaker 05

  The Bloody Lady is upstairs cleaning up.

• 46:42Dax Shepard?

  We got a fun sneaker.

• 46:44Speaker 01

  We got a home intruder right now.

• 46:45Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you got someone in your background.

• 46:46Speaker 05

  That's my daughter.

• 46:49Dax Shepard?

  The one seventeen year old?

• 46:50Speaker 05

  Yeah, so I go get her some sweatpants, my Beauty and the Beast sweatshirt, some socks. I take them up. In the meantime, I grab Band-Aids, Neosporin, Bactine, anything that we might need. I get upstairs. She puts on the clothes. We go to the kitchen table. At this point, all the kitchen lights are on. It's like two forty in the morning. We are lit up like you cannot believe. Outside lights on for her dad, hall lights on. I mean, you could land a plane. I was like, okay. We need to shut some of these lights off. So we start bandaging her up. Stuff is on the table. I start shutting off all the lights. I tell her, call your dad back. Tell him to call us when he gets close.

• 47:32Speaker 05

  I'll put the light on. So I'm shutting lights. My daughter comes up. She's like, what is going on? I said, you know what? I don't really know. So take your phone, go in your room, lock the door.

• 47:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:43Speaker 05

  I don't know if her husband's gonna come looking for her or what. I really didn't want to be in the middle of this at two forty in the morning.

• 47:50Dax Shepard?

  It's also very complicated because you can't call the police in theory.

• 47:53Speaker 05

  In theory.

• 47:54Dax Shepard?

  If she's to be taken at her word, the Bloody Lady.

• 47:57Speaker 05

  All of a sudden, I look out and I look across the street. I see movement. I turn to the kitchen. I said, do you and your husband have a dog? She starts coming into the living room. She goes, what kind of dog? At this point, a flashlight from across the street shines into our living room. I said, get down. And I flew into the hallway. The flashlight gets closer as it's coming in through the living room window now. So I high tail it into the hall. I assume she's, you know, behind the island or in the utility room. I'm not sure.

• 48:28Dax Shepard?

  Lynn, can I ask one quick question?

• 48:30Speaker 05

  Sure.

• 48:31Dax Shepard?

  Were you getting a sense of her at all during this process? Like that she was delusional or normal? Are you assessing whether she's crazy or not?

• 48:40Speaker 05

  She seemed like something was going on and I just need to call my dad.

• 48:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:46Speaker 05

  Was she upset? Yeah, it's like she needed to call her dad and she needed her dad to come get her, but not in a

• 48:53Dax Shepard?

  Hysterical way.

• 48:54Speaker 05

  No, not at all. So the light came in the living room. I fly around the corner. We're kind of just waiting. We don't know what to do. You know, you're just sitting there. I could feel my heart beating in my ears so loud. And then I hear voices around the back and I hear, this is the house. There's medical supplies on the table. I crawled to my daughter's room down the hall. I'm like sticking my lips underneath the door, very quietly saying, call nine one one. At the same time, they're banging on the front door and I'm watching the front door. It's like literally moving in and out. There's voices in the back, voices in the front. All of a sudden, my daughter comes out of her room. She goes, here, you talk to them.

• 49:36Speaker 05

  She called nine one one, stated her name, her address, and said, somebody's trying to break in my house. You need to send the police. The first thing was, are you sure you're not expecting someone?

• 49:47Speaker 01

  What?

• 49:48Speaker 05

  She was like, for the love of God, it's two forty five AM. Probably not.

• 49:52Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 49:53Speaker 05

  Then it was, the police are at your house. And she's like, mm mm, these are the wrong police. And they were like, open the door, let them in. So that she gave me the phone. So they're like, open the door, let them in. And I was like, no, I don't know who this is. We just kept arguing. So I got off the phone. I opened the door. There was an officer standing at my door. There were at least four squad cars in front of our house, like a movie and so surreal.

• 50:19Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 50:20Speaker 05

  So he steps right in right away and he's like, where is she? You know, and I was like in the kitchen. So he starts berating us. My daughter was out of her room, standing next to me and he's like, you didn't think to call the police? And I was like, not really. She needed to call her dad. That was fine by me. She said her husband was a cop. Like, no. She wanted to call her dad. That's all we were doing. So they were just jabbering at us. We felt like criminals.

• 50:47Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Why are you interrogating me, hotshot?

• 50:51Speaker 05

  Right. So they're like, you know, where is she? So they go in the kitchen. She's gone.

• 50:54Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 50:56Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 50:56Speaker 05

  My AT&T cordless phone, gone. I was like, oh my God. Well, she left it in the utility room. The cop found it. He goes, there's blood on it. You probably want to clean it up, put gloves on. I was like, thank you asshole.

• 51:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:11Speaker 05

  They were in for a while. Then they were outside. When they did come in, we heard they had a walkie talkie thing on their shoulder. And one of them came across that said, the ciberus is cleared or secured or something like that. Well, the ciberus is one of those romantic getaways. You know, they have swimming pools in the room and it's pretty gross.

• 51:31Dax Shepard?

  It's like a name of a hotel for honeymooners?

• 51:34Speaker 05

  Well, it's like just a romantic, you know, who knows?

• 51:38Speaker 01

  Like a motel.

• 51:39Speaker 05

  Yeah, exactly. Just like Quickies.

• 51:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:43Speaker 05

  And it's like a block away. So it made sense why she didn't have any clothes on.

• 51:47Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 51:48Speaker 05

  So before they left, the cop said, or one of them, it wasn't the same one. He said, she was on drugs. Her husband isn't a police officer in Downers Grove or anywhere else. And then they left.

• 51:59Dax Shepard?

  Have they caught her? Or we don't know yet. She's just gone?

• 52:02Speaker 05

  They said that they got her outside. She's in custody. So then everybody leaves. My daughter and I take our phones. We go in my room. I call her out of school. I call work. I tell them this horrific, like, the Bloody Lady was here and the police came.

• 52:17Dax Shepard?

  They were assholes.

• 52:18Speaker 05

  I'll be in late, you know? We tried to go to sleep and we were like, it's not happening. So we both got up. She went to school. I went to work. Nine, ten o'clock in the morning. I was like, oh my God, she's gonna get home from school before my husband or I get home from work. And who did we give instructions to? Was it her dad? Was it not?

• 52:39Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 52:40Speaker 05

  Somebody has instructions to our house. So I called the Downers Grove Police. And I tell the woman, we had all this activity last night and, you know, my daughter's gonna get home. And she's like, hang on. Yeah, you know what? There's no activity at your house last night.

• 52:56Dax Shepard?

  What?

• 52:57Speaker 05

  What? Trust me, there was. And she's like, mm, no, there was no activity in your area. I said, oh, no, no, no, no. There was activity in front of my house. There were four to six squad cars. The police were in my house. Like I didn't get their name. It was all pretty crazy.

• 53:15Dax Shepard?

  You talked to nine one one. There's gotta be a record of that.

• 53:18Speaker 05

  She put me on hold. Pretty soon, a man came on. He was like, yeah, I was at your house last night. It's fine.

• 53:26Speaker 01

  What is going on?

• 53:28Speaker 05

  It's not, I don't know who we gave instructions to. We got him. We got her. We got him. We intercepted him before he got there. It's fine. So I don't know who he was. My daughter, one of her good friends, the dad was either like a captain or a sergeant in the Downers Grove Police Department. So as my daughter told her friend, her friend was like, what the F? She's like, I'm calling my dad. So she calls. She's like, dad, what the hell's going on? What happened? And he said, yeah, I can't talk about it. So that was eighteen years ago. She still has my Beauty and the Beast sweatshirt. I never got it back. And we have no idea what ever happened.

• 54:09Speaker 01

  Oh, wow. Mystery. And also, how did that police officer tell you that nothing happened that night?

• 54:16Dax Shepard?

  Maybe she just didn't know. You think it's a cover up?

• 54:19Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 54:20Dax Shepard?

  A hush up?

• 54:20Speaker 05

  I don't know.

• 54:21Speaker 01

  That is wild.

• 54:23Dax Shepard?

  Fun. You're a perfect mother for this scenario.

• 54:25Speaker 01

  God, that's crazy.

• 54:27Speaker 05

  It was crazy. So a few weeks later, I called my daughter out of school. I said, we're going on vacation for a week. And they were like, mm, yeah, that would be an unexcused. I said, no, it would be excused because I just told you I'm taking her. They were like, you have to talk to the dean. I said, by all means. He got on the phone. I said, look, this is what we had to deal with. We're going to Florida for a week. And he said, okay.

• 54:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, good.

• 54:55Dax Shepard?

  Did you go to Daytona?

• 54:56Speaker 05

  We went to Fort Lauderdale. We had a hotel on the beach, walked out. It was very nice.

• 55:01Dax Shepard?

  No Bloody Lady?

• 55:02Speaker 05

  No Bloody Lady. No. And we told my husband, never again.

• 55:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:08Speaker 01

  But also, what was he supposed to do? There's a girl saying, I need help. What's he gonna do? Ignore it?

• 55:13Speaker 05

  Couple of years later, because he was a commercial garbage man and he was near Good Samaritan Hospital and he came home from work one day. And he said, you'll be very proud of me. He said, I was driving on a route, passing the hospital. He said, there was a woman in the driveway of the hospital in a gown, waving at him. And he said, I just kept going.

• 55:36Dax Shepard?

  How look? You gotta make your wife happy first.

• 55:38Speaker 05

  My son actually said, maybe she'll listen. If this ever gets aired, maybe she'll call in and say, I'm the Bloody Lady.

• 55:46Dax Shepard?

  Yes, yes, you'll have to send us a photo of the sweatshirt so we can confirm. Yeah.

• 55:52Speaker 05

  One thing is, I have to tell you, Parenthood, probably one of my favorite shows. So I told my daughter, I would have to tell you that. And can she say hello to you?

• 56:00Speaker 01

  Yes, we would love that.

• 56:01Dax Shepard?

  Of course.

• 56:03Speaker 01

  Hi, guys.

• 56:04Dax Shepard?

  Hi, that was Lynn. Who are you?

• 56:07Speaker 01

  I'm Samantha.

• 56:08Dax Shepard?

  Hi Samantha, you were sleeping on the couch?

• 56:10Speaker 01

  I sure was. Crazy story that we've told for many, many years. And I'm a day one armcherry. And I've been listening and listening. And so finally this prompt came up and it probably could have been.

• 56:20Speaker 04

  Wildcard too, but I was like, Mom, we have to submit.

• 56:23Speaker 01

  This was perfect. Your mom's so fun.

• 56:25Dax Shepard?

  Oh my God, she what a firecracker, huh?

• 56:27Speaker 04

  She's the best.

• 56:27Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. She's a beautiful mix of a Midwesterner and a New Yorker. There's a lot of go fuck yourself in her, you know?

• 56:34Speaker 01

  Love it. Absolutely love it. Great.

• 56:37Speaker 04

  She's gonna love that.

• 56:39Dax Shepard?

  And was there any detail that she left out you want to tell us about or anything she got wrong? Do you remember this woman?

• 56:44Speaker 04

  I can't remember her face or anything. I was shaking. I was so scared. I remember they tackled her in the backyard and they also did say that it was kind of like a drug deal hookup gone bad. And that she jumped through the window at the Ciberus.

• 56:59Dax Shepard?

  That's what the cuts are about.

• 57:01Speaker 04

  Supposedly, but we never saw any damage to the Ciberus.

• 57:04Speaker 01

  Huh. Lot of question marks.

• 57:06Speaker 04

  It was never in the paper.

• 57:07Dax Shepard?

  Is the Ciberus still in action?

• 57:09Speaker 04

  Sure is. There are definitely still people utilizing that Ciberus.

• 57:12Dax Shepard?

  And have you yourself ever stayed at the Ciberus?

• 57:15Speaker 04

  No, sir.

• 57:15Dax Shepard?

  Okay, yeah, you're a good woman.

• 57:17Speaker 06

  I've been to that Ciberus.

• 57:18Dax Shepard?

  Wait, Rob, you've been to the Ciberus?

• 57:20Speaker 06

  I have.

• 57:21Dax Shepard?

  To make love? Did you go there to make love?

• 57:22Speaker 06

  With a girlfriend.

• 57:23Speaker 01

  No.

• 57:24Dax Shepard?

  My God, were you guys in the hot tub and stuff? We didn't learn anything about the bloody lady, but we're learning a lot about Rob.

• 57:31Speaker 01

  Rob might have been there for this.

• 57:32Speaker 04

  I'm glad Rob knows all about it.

• 57:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, this has been a delight. I love your mom to death.

• 57:37Speaker 01

  And your mom.

• 57:38Speaker 04

  Could not have gotten a better mama.

• 57:40Dax Shepard?

  Well, hug her on our behalf. Thank you for telling that story. That was incredible.

• 57:44Speaker 04

  Absolutely. Thank you, guys.

• 57:45Dax Shepard?

  All right, take care.

• 57:46Speaker 01

  Bye.

• 57:48Dax Shepard?

  I want to go to their house for dinner and then go to the Ciberus.

• 57:51Speaker 01

  The Ciberus sounds like the Neptune Inn. What's it called in Veronica Mars where?

• 57:55Speaker 06

  It's worse.

• 57:56Speaker 01

  Why did you go there, Rob?

• 57:58Speaker 06

  When you're nineteen and you have a girlfriend and you can't go home.

• 58:01Speaker 01

  You're so disgusting.

• 58:03Dax Shepard?

  I love it, Rob.

• 58:04Speaker 06

  It was like an anniversary or something.

• 58:07Speaker 01

  Why didn't you? You should have just done it outside at that point.

• 58:10Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, in the park.

• 58:10Speaker 01

  I feel like you're too hygienic for the Ciberus.

• 58:13Speaker 06

  I don't think I was thinking about that element of it at that point.

• 58:17Speaker 01

  That came later in life.

• 58:18Dax Shepard?

  Different part of your brain.

• 58:19Speaker 06

  There's like a waterfall pool in the room.

• 58:22Dax Shepard?

  It sounds like it smells like chlorine in every room.

• 58:24Speaker 01

  It sounds disgusting.

• 58:26Dax Shepard?

  Public water that other people have been fucking in.

• 58:28Speaker 01

  What's the place in Veronica Mars? Neptune Inn or something? And that's where everyone would go and be skeezy and sleazy.

• 58:35Dax Shepard?

  Their naughty business.

• 58:35Speaker 01

  Yeah. All right, well, adults break in.

• 58:40Dax Shepard?

  We had one, but luckily I didn't interface with the person we discovered after the fact they had been in the house. That's preferred.

• 58:47Speaker 01

  That you don't know.

• 58:48Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 58:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, obviously.

• 58:49Dax Shepard?

  For sure. Especially with my temperament.

• 58:51Speaker 01

  What am I gonna do? How am I gonna survive this?

• 58:54Dax Shepard?

  Well, you'll lock your doors. That was back when we were still pretending we lived in the Midwest, but now we've learned our lessons.

• 59:00Speaker 01

  Should I lock my bedroom door? People say don't do that.

• 59:03Dax Shepard?

  Because of firefighters?

• 59:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, or like if I have a seizure and no one can get in.

• 59:07Dax Shepard?

  What's the point? Because someone wants to get through your bedroom door, they will.

• 59:11Speaker 01

  No, but if I hear it, maybe I can just start screaming. I'm calling, I'm on one.

• 59:16Dax Shepard?

  I just called. I'm on one. You're in trouble.

• 59:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:18Dax Shepard?

  No, you gotta go on your balcony and jump off. Yeah, you should have a little rope. That's more the move.

• 59:22Speaker 01

  No, a rope, then they can get up.

• 59:24Dax Shepard?

  No, you keep it on your bed. It's got a grappling hook. You quickly run, throw the grappling hook around the railing and then you go over the side.

• 59:30Speaker 06

  I think panic room's still the move for you.

• 59:32Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, under the bed.

• 59:32Dax Shepard?

  Panic bed, panic bed, panic box bed.

• 59:34Speaker 06

  It's a coffin. It's a tomb.

• 59:36Dax Shepard?

  Monica Padman's Celebrity Panic Box Beds. Check them out.

• 59:40Speaker 01

  This is a great idea.

• 59:42Dax Shepard?

  It is. It just lowers wherever you were sleeping, just lowers and then the top closes in.

• 59:47Speaker 01

  They can be chic.

• 59:48Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 59:48Speaker 01

  Like, I'll make them cute.

• 59:49Dax Shepard?

  And you might even prefer sleeping in the interior of the mattress.

• 59:52Speaker 01

  But if you're claustrophobic, ooh, it's tough.

• 59:55Dax Shepard?

  But you probably are less claustrophobic than you are homicidophobic.

• 1:00:00Speaker 01

  I am, yeah.

• 1:00:00Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I think most people, probably. All right, well, that was a ride. Love you.

• 1:00:06Speaker 07

  Do you want to sing a tune or something? We'll do a theme song.

• 1:00:09Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay, great.

• 1:00:12Speaker 07

  We don't have a big song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our Jerry's Book and some suggestions. On the fire, Rhyme Dish. On the fire, Rhyme Dish. Enjoy.