5 Ways to Break Free From A News Feed That is DESTROYING Your Mental Health

We’re living in a stressful time right now. In this powerful episode, I bring together three remarkable experts to dive deep into understanding and managing anxiety in our modern world. Mel Robbins shares her personal journey with anxiety and introduces groundbreaking perspectives on how to reframe it as a call for self-love. Dr. Wendy Suzuki reveals the science behind anxiety and how to transform it into a superpower, while Gary Vaynerchuk offers raw insights about dealing with criticism, thinking “purple” rather than red vs. blue, and finding gratitude amidst life's challenges. This episode provides game-changing strategies for anyone looking to master their mental health and turn their anxiety into a force for positive change. IN THIS EPISODE YOU WILL LEARNHow to recognize anxiety as an internal alarm system designed to help you identify what you truly needThe scientific effects of chronic anxiety on your brain and body, and practical tools to manage itHow to transform anxiety into empathy and use it as a superpower for personal growthThe power of "joy conditioning" and practical techniques to counter negative anxietyWhy developing self-awareness through honest feedback from loved ones is crucial for personal growthFor more information go to https://www.lewishowes.com/1688For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes we think you’ll love:Mel Robbins – greatness.lnk.to/1582SCWendy Suzuki – greatness.lnk.to/1504SCGary Vaynerchuk – greatness.lnk.to/1618SC Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to this special masterclass. We've brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today. It's going to be powerful, so let's go ahead and dive in.

• 0:18Lewis Howes?

  What is the greatest strategies you've discovered in the last couple of years of, you know, managing stress, overcoming it, facing it, that some people can start to learn how to implement as well?

• 0:29Mel Robbins?

  Okay. So I happen to be, in my opinion, one of the world's leading experts on anxiety because I struggled with it for a long time. And a couple of our kids have had profound bouts with anxiety. And I learned things the hard way. And so everything I'm about to share is not medical advice. It is life-tested wisdom from having to dig myself out of mental holes and messes thanks to what used to be very chronic anxiety. So first, let me explain what anxiety is. It is an alarm in your body that is designed to agitate you. That's all that anxiety is.

• 1:13Mel Robbins?

  It's an alarm in your body that is designed to agitate you, to wake you up, because that alarm wants to get your attention so that you can focus on giving yourself what you need in that moment. Okay? I also want to preface what I'm about to teach everybody and to share with you by saying that a lot of this I have learned recently. Because I am so sick of living inside a body that feels on edge all the time.

• 1:48Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:49Mel Robbins?

  And I'm tired of having a mind that basically is on a constant campaign for what's wrong. And I've done traditional talk therapy. And so from Dr. Russ Kennedy, one of the things that I learned recently that is just amazing is that all anxiety... Comes from one source. What's that?

• 2:10Mel Robbins?

  It is when your original alarm went off as a child. And you probably don't even remember because it happens even in moments where you're nonverbal. It's a moment of separation from parent. So the original alarm that you felt, because that's all that anxiety is. Anxiety is an alarm that's designed to wake your up. Yes. Okay, because you need something. Mm-hmm. The alarm of anxiety is telling you that there is something missing right now for you. And what's missing is a feeling of safety and a feeling of like deep connection with self. That's all that's missing. And so when you reframe it as a way to let love in and that it is a way to let love in from yourself,

• 2:55Mel Robbins?

  you start to change the way that your body experiences moments that trigger you from childhood. And so like I think so much of what I am trying to put out into the world is this notion that everything needs to start with addressing these feelings that we have. Like for me, you want to change your life, there is a very simple formula that's not easy to do. You need to take action before you feel like it. You need to take the actions that the person that has what you really want and deserve in your life, you need to take the same type of actions before you feel like that person. You must act first, period.

• 3:40Mel Robbins?

  That's how you change. When it comes to healing your body and when it comes to anxiety, you have to, instead of running away from it or numbing it, because the anxiety feeling is triggering you to grab the alcohol. It's triggering you to get very busy and start running errands or to, it's triggering you to turn on the TV or hit the vape pen or hit the joint or whatever. And that feeling could be boredom. It could be a sense of overwhelm. It could be insecurity. Like, because think about what happens. Let's take the example of you're dating and somebody hasn't texted you in a day. They left you unread, you know, like you start to get that wave. The alarm goes off. Because what do you need?

• 4:25Mel Robbins?

  You need some love and reassurance. But what we do instead is, you know, you see that you're still unread and you grab the vape pen. That is you dealing with your anxiety in a destructive way. What do you do? You like start scrolling through social media, which makes you insecure. That is you trying to distract yourself or numb or whatever, this uncomfortable feeling that you don't know how to deal with, when really that feeling requires one action. Love. Love from self.

• 4:58Lewis Howes?

  But why is it so hard for so many people to love and accept themselves?

• 5:03Mel Robbins?

  Because when you were a child, love was transactional. You were taught that if you're doing what I want, I love you. We all do it. I did it to my kids, too. And I didn't mean to. Like, we all parent, we try to parent through connection, but we tend to correct our kids a lot. And so you learn that if I'm not doing what you want me to do, then you don't like me right now. You don't love me. And we learn that if we are getting into the right school, or we're getting good grades, or our team is doing well in sports, or we are interested in medicine, because dad's interested in medicine, that that's how you earn love.

• 5:49Mel Robbins?

  And, you know, it's very hard to, with day-to-day life, not do something that [__] your kids up.

• 5:58Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 5:58Mel Robbins?

  Because they're...

• 5:59Lewis Howes?

  Even if you're being cautious and healthy and all these right things.

• 6:01Mel Robbins?

  Of course, because you can't read your mind. You can't...

• 6:05Lewis Howes?

  You don't know what they're perceiving and how they take your conversation and what you said, what you didn't say.

• 6:09Mel Robbins?

  Yep, yep, yep. And they are learning by observing and absorbing. And so that means that there are going to be moments where they deeply need a hug, and they need a quieter tone of voice, and you've just slammed your laptop shut, and you've just yelled out something because of somebody being like a jerk to you at work. And your kid was standing behind you and needed something. And so I think that that's why we don't actually know how to love ourselves. And the other reason why is kind of biologically speaking, from zero to 18...

• 6:48Mel Robbins?

  You're not in charge.

• 6:49Lewis Howes?

  Right, your body, the hormones.

• 6:50Mel Robbins?

  Your freaking survival, dude, is based on your parents. If you want to eat, if you want to, like, you are hardwired to bond with them. And so this is who you're learning from, for better or for worse. And most of us learned that, you know, if mom's not happy, I'm not supposed to be happy. If dad's mad, then I've done something wrong. We do not have within us as children the ability to look at the adults around us and be like, "Well, they're up and, boy, you know, dad must have had a bad day at work." We go, "Something's wrong with me that they're not home when I get home. Something's wrong with me that she's giving me the silent treatment. What have I done?" And so we are trained as kids, for better or for worse, that love is conditional,

• 7:36Mel Robbins?

  that if we please other people, we get more of it. If we perform and make other people happy, we get more of it. And so we don't learn that it's unconditional. And we don't learn, because that's not how people act. And we don't learn how to truly love ourselves through these ups and downs of lives because our parents were taught how to do this for themselves. I mean, if you want to, like, instead of blaming your parents, look at your grandparents.

• 8:06Lewis Howes?

  Right, and great-grandparents.

• 8:07Mel Robbins?

  And great-grandparents.

• 8:08Lewis Howes?

  It's just been passed down.

• 8:09Mel Robbins?

  Because they're just passing down what they had to put up with. Like, I always find it really interesting that every generation, for example, let's take a non-anxiety, non-relationship, non-family example. Every single generation disrupts the way we work and disrupts what we think about work. Like, if you go back to the 1900s, when you would die working in a factory, most people that worked in factories under those conditions were like, "Well, I survived it. Why do we need safety protocols?"

• 8:41Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 8:42Mel Robbins?

  Right?

• 8:43Lewis Howes?

  Working in the coal mines.

• 8:44Mel Robbins?

  Yes, and like, and it like, literally is an upgrade. Now people are like, "Why do I need to be in an office?" Well, we were in an office, it's better for, is it better? I don't know. And so I feel too that we are the first generation to talk openly about mental health. I mean, when I was in high school.

• 9:01Lewis Howes?

  Couldn't talk about it.

• 9:02Mel Robbins?

  You were a freak if you had anxiety, which I was, by the way.

• 9:06Lewis Howes?

  Right, but you can't talk about it.

• 9:08Mel Robbins?

  No, there was no self-help section in the bookstore. Do you know what kind of a loser went in there? The amount of tools that are available, the self-awareness, the research, the awakening, the fact that people are starting to connect the dots that mental health is everything. Because if you're not a happy person, you will take that into work.

• 9:29Lewis Howes?

  And your relationships.

• 9:30Mel Robbins?

  And your relationships, and on your kids, and this, and that, and the other thing. And you're gonna make your own life miserable. And so, I feel like a lot of the things that we're talking about, it's actually very exciting, because we didn't have these tools. People didn't talk openly about this. You know, my mom said something pretty profound the other day. She was kind of like, we were talking about something, I remember, and she goes, "You know, I often wonder if I don't have, if I've never experienced anxiety, because I won't allow myself to."

• 10:03Lewis Howes?

  Well, so used to it now, right?

• 10:05Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, or, she's like, "There's so much stuff that went down in my past, and I don't, why would I want to unpack that?"

• 10:12Lewis Howes?

  Right, it's scary to look at.

• 10:14Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 10:14Lewis Howes?

  It's hard.

• 10:15Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 10:15Lewis Howes?

  Painful.

• 10:16Mel Robbins?

  Yes, but I admire, like, this generation that, you know, is like the 20-somethings now. My kid, my 17-year-old son, you know what one of the best parts of his life is? His friggin' therapist. Why? Because he loves, I said, "Why do you like Keith so much?" He's like, "Because I like talking to adults, and I like having somebody other than you or Dad to unpack this stuff."

• 10:43Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it makes you feel a little bit better, it makes you process it. Well, I think it's, you know, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like more than ever now this generation has tools and the freedom, without shame, to talk about these things. And also, on the other side, extreme, you know, it seems like more kids than ever are vaping, doing drugs, alcohol, having sex younger and younger, connected to their phones nonstop, not, you know, allowing themselves to really process, they're still using other things to mask the anxiety.

• 11:13Mel Robbins?

  Well, because as pressure to get into a right school, to make money, to be an influencer, to figure out your life by the time you're 21, as all that pressure, or perceived pressure increases.

• 11:28Mel Robbins?

  So does your stress and anxiety. And as stress and anxiety increases, if you don't have the resources, tools, the support, so will your coping negative habits. Scrolling through social media, by the way, is something people do when they feel anxious. Why? Because they're using what's on their phone to distract themselves from the uncomfortable feelings in their body. But the irony is, it usually just makes you more anxious to see other people's seemingly perfect life. What else do people do? They do all the things you're talking about. They vape, they procrastinate, they drink, they buy that they don't need, they play sports bets, they watch porn.

• 12:09Mel Robbins?

  Like, all these things are ways to escape uncomfortable feelings in your body. They overeat, they, you know, like, all of it. And so, when you understand that at its core, anxiety is an alarm that is hardwired in your body to make you wake up, and what it's asking you to do is to give yourself a little bit of love and reassurance right now. I know you're sitting in a dorm room. I know you think you have no friends, and everybody here already has their friend group, and you're the loser. But you know what? You're not. It's gotta be okay. You don't need to hit the pen. You can, you can literally tolerate

• 12:53Mel Robbins?

  that feeling of feeling alone. If you know that what that discomfort's about is really a need for love and connections, give that to yourself in that moment. That's it.

• 13:05Lewis Howes?

  Learning to love yourself has been the next thing.

• 13:07Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 13:08Lewis Howes?

  How, how can someone start to learn how to love themselves if they never felt like they got it from their parents, the way they needed it? How can they learn when they've always been on high alert, stressed, anxious, separate from the love they've always wanted?

• 13:26Mel Robbins?

  Okay, so there's two different things you need to do. First of all, you gotta get serious about the body. You have two nervous systems, sympathetic and parasympathetic. I think about it like the wiring in your wall. So Louis has these light bulbs behind us, right? What's fueling that? Electricity. There's wiring in there. If we were to flip the switch off, the wiring would still be there. What's happening when you feel stressed out or you have unresolved trauma or you've just lived through a pandemic and you have not turned the light off is that the light's on.

• 13:58Mel Robbins?

  What we need to do as a society is find the switch and flip it off. And so the way you do that is going into your body. There's a bazillion different things that you can do. You can do cold exposure, you can meditate, you can do breathing exercises. You can do the high, start doing the high five in the mirror as part of your morning routine. You can give your heart a high five where you just place your hands right here in the center of your body and you tone what's called the vagus nerve. And the vagus nerve is the on off switch.

• 14:28Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm, yep.

• 14:30Mel Robbins?

  And so when you Google vagus nerve and do those exercises as part of your day to day life, going outside for a walk for 10 minutes is another way to like literally get back into your body and to find the switch and turn the light off. Because you've got to understand that when the lights are on, the sympathetic nervous system, fight or flight, you're stressed out. When the light is off, you've now accessed peace, you're in the moment, you don't feel that stressed out. So body, body, body, body, body, that's number one. Number two, even if it was never modeled for you, you know what you want.

• 15:11Mel Robbins?

  So get out a piece of paper and make a list of all the things that you wish somebody who loved you would do. Like there's this fascinating study, Lewis, about happy people. You know the difference between happy people and people who aren't happy?

• 15:35Lewis Howes?

  Tell me.

• 15:37Mel Robbins?

  Happy people tend to spend more time doing things that make them happy.

• 15:43Lewis Howes?

  Right, activities that they enjoy.

• 15:46Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, and we so underestimate the little things you can do. Cause just a small uptick in your mood actually makes you feel a little better. I'm not suggesting that if your best friend just got killed in a car crash, going for a walk is gonna fix it. But it might for a minute help you clear your mind. Like for me, if I'm having a bad day, I do one of two things. I either buy myself flowers, and I'm not talking like a hundred dollar arrangement. I go to Trader Joe's. Two dollars for ten to F and L's. I love Trader Joe's, right? Flowers make me smile.

• 16:29Mel Robbins?

  And then I have a bud vase right by the kitchen sink, and I always put one of the flowers right there. Because it makes me happy. I don't know why, but it just does. For just a minute, I see something beautiful, and it allows me to escape whatever's making me sad, okay? Or I go to Netflix, and I turn on one of the stand-up comedy specials.

• 16:48Lewis Howes?

  Just laugh.

• 16:49Mel Robbins?

  I just try to get somebody to make me laugh, and it always makes me feel slightly better. And if you can feel slightly better today, you can feel slightly better tomorrow. And these things start to build. And over time, that little uptick starts to become a new default. And so I think the same is true with love. Love is a verb, it's an action. So what are the actions that you believe a loving person would take? If somebody really loved you, and it wasn't modeled for you? And so, when you start to make that list, there's your map. Pick one thing a day.

• 17:29Mel Robbins?

  And it might be, you know, I high-five the mirror as part of my morning routine as an act of love. I make my bed every morning as an act of love. I don't lay in bed and think about my problems as an act of love. I always have an amazing cup of coffee as an act of love. And you know, oddly enough, if I'm up first, I make coffee for the person I love, Chris. And Chris does the same for me. And so, just because it wasn't modeled, doesn't mean you can't create a map for yourself. And so, think about it. What would you want somebody to do? And then look around, and who seems to have that in their life? And what are the behaviors that you're seeing?

• 18:15Mel Robbins?

  And then, the million dollar thing you gotta do. Do not wait.

• 18:22Wendy Suzuki?

  To feel like doing it, you have to take that action first. Because the action is what proves that you love yourself. If you sit around and think about it, you're gonna talk yourself out of it, and the fact that you're not doing anything, you're not taking action. Like if you make a list and you're like, "Oh, they would buy me flowers, they would compliment me, they would give me a high five, they would buy me dinner."

• 18:44Lewis Howes?

  And you don't do it for yourself.

• 18:45Wendy Suzuki?

  You know what that shows you? I hate myself. Because a person that loves me would do these things, and I'm not doing that. So, your own action demonstrates that you don't love yourself.

• 19:00Lewis Howes?

  This is powerful stuff, Mel. I'm so grateful for you for coming back on and sharing this wisdom. I acknowledge you for how you keep showing up for yourself, for your relationship, for your life, for your community. It's beautiful to witness that, you know, even though you've been extremely successful in different seasons of your life, and you continue to succeed, you make a priority right now on your emotional, mental health as a focus, so that you can keep going to the next level. So I really acknowledge you for how you show up.

• 19:33Lewis Howes?

  Is it possible for us to change the way we think about anxiety and start to heal our brain, heal our mindset around the topic of anxiety, so that it doesn't affect us or consume us in our life? Is that possible?

• 19:47Wendy Suzuki?

  Absolutely, it is possible. And I think the first step is to realize that anxiety and our stress response, which is causing all those negative feelings, evolutionarily, that is a protective mechanism. It is necessary for our survival. It was and it is necessary. So, it was evolved so that if there is a line coming at us, or a dangerous situation that you're in, that you automatically have that increased heart rate, that increased respiration, all the blood goes to your muscles, so you can run away. Our problem is that in this day and time, there's not a lot of lines coming at us, but there's all the worry that we see every single day when we look in the newspaper and...

• 20:31Wendy Suzuki?

  And look at her Instagram feeds. And that worry of a possible terrible thing that might happen, that also activates our stress and anxiety systems. So, but it is there for protection. How do we harness that and bring it back into submission? So it can help us in the way that it was developed or evolved to help us. That is to put us into action.

• 20:55Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 20:56Wendy Suzuki?

  I want to use that energy to go into action, to try and check off all those things. I have this, I don't know when your anxiety hits you, but it always hits me right before I'm gonna go to sleep. It's like, oh, almost there. And then bing, you know, what if this happens tomorrow? Did I do that? What if that happens? What if that happens? And so that action, the way I use it is I say, that's okay. That is going to be my to-do list for tomorrow. I'm gonna take action. And knowing that I can and will take action helps me go back to sleep. Because it still happens.

• 21:34Lewis Howes?

  I used to, it used to be extremely difficult for me to sleep until I hit about thirty, thirty-one years old.

• 21:39Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah.

• 21:39Lewis Howes?

  And I would sit in bed for probably an hour to an hour and a half almost every night. Anxious, worrying, thinking, judging myself, whatever it may be, stressing about something I haven't done yet or really just kind of beating myself up.

• 21:52Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah.

• 21:53Lewis Howes?

  Emotionally. And what I've learned, there's two things that I've learned. Well, really three things that I've learned that have helped me go to sleep extremely fast. I started to focus on everything at night, what I was grateful for from the day. I was like, okay, if there was anything good today, what was it? Even if it was all bad, there had to be something. I'm alive. You know, I, you know, I'm healthy or whatever it may be. I have a roof.

• 22:14Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah.

• 22:15Lewis Howes?

  So it's just focusing on anything. And I do that every night where I think about three things to be grateful for. That brings me like another level of peace. And then I think about what am I gonna do tomorrow to help people? How am I gonna serve?

• 22:26Wendy Suzuki?

  That's beautiful, yeah.

• 22:27Lewis Howes?

  So it's like, you know, healing the shame.

• 22:30Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah.

• 22:30Lewis Howes?

  Focusing on gratitude and then thinking about how am I gonna serve?

• 22:34Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah.

• 22:34Lewis Howes?

  Not just what do I need for me? But how can I show up for other people? That kind of three-part combination gives me so much peace before I go to bed.

• 22:42Wendy Suzuki?

  Oh, that's so beautiful.

• 22:44Lewis Howes?

  And it's a practice, you know? It's like a constant practice. It's not always perfect, but it's a practice, yeah.

• 22:48Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah. I love the Thinking about something you're gonna do for somebody else tomorrow, coming from this practice of healing your own shame. One of the superpowers in good anxiety that comes from your own anxiety, and this is a beautiful example that you just told me, is the superpower of empathy.

• 23:08Lewis Howes?

  For yourself or others?

• 23:10Wendy Suzuki?

  First, for yourself, and recognizing it in yourself, and then giving it out to others. Because, just as you described your journey, a lot of our own anxieties have been with us since we were little. Same anxiety over and over.

• 23:25Lewis Howes?

  For decades.

• 23:26Wendy Suzuki?

  For your lifetime, sometimes.

• 23:28Lewis Howes?

  What was yours?

• 23:29Wendy Suzuki?

  So, I have many, but the one that I talk about here is shyness, and kind of social anxiety. And I've learned, because I'm a teacher and because I want to become an author, I've learned the skills not to have those kinds of anxieties. But I was painfully shy as a young girl. And even into college, I found myself in social situations, wanting to join and not feeling comfortable, or even in class. And so, I realized that that has become my superpower as a teacher. Because I know when I'm standing at the front of the classroom...

• 24:05Lewis Howes?

  Shyness is a superpower.

• 24:06Wendy Suzuki?

  My shyness.

• 24:07Lewis Howes?

  Why is that?

• 24:08Wendy Suzuki?

  Because, when I'm standing at the front of the classroom, there are always those students that say, "Oh, I know the answer, I know the answer." And I know that there's many more that want to talk to me, that want to show me what they know, want to have that interaction, but can't do that. And so, what do I do? I make sure that I am there 15 minutes before. I stand there, I talk to the students before, I stay after class. Anybody that wants to come up for a casual conversation, where you don't have to be the one raising your hand. And I didn't even realize it until I wrote this book, that that is a superpower of in-class empathy. And I have that particular form of empathy because of my particular form of anxiety.

• 24:52Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 24:52Wendy Suzuki?

  My social anxiety. And so, imagine the 90% of people that have their particular form of anxiety. They know what it feels like, they know... Know what's going through many of others of our minds. And what if you turn that around? And you do what you do and say, how can I, how can I help somebody else? In this way that I know I've struggled. But I also know what can help.

• 25:14Lewis Howes?

  Sure, sure, okay.

• 25:15Wendy Suzuki?

  So that's one of my favorite superpowers.

• 25:17Lewis Howes?

  How do we know how to turn anxiety into something good? Like if 90% of the, is this the US or the world feels anxiety?

• 25:24Wendy Suzuki?

  I think the actual study was about the US.

• 25:27Lewis Howes?

  The US, 90% of the US claims that they have anxiety on some level, right?

• 25:31Wendy Suzuki?

  Exactly.

• 25:33Lewis Howes?

  And what does anxiety do for us when we don't have attacks coming our way? Like if we're constantly in a state of anxiety, what does it do to the brain? And what does it do to our immune system and to our body and our emotions?

• 25:45Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah, so that's a great question. The answer is, long-term anxiety will have terrible effects on all of the physiological systems that are being activated. So what's happening when you have a stress response? Your heart rate is going up, your respiration is going up. So long-term effects of anxiety and stress are heart disease.

• 26:07Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 26:07Wendy Suzuki?

  The other thing that's happening when you're in a constant state of stress is that blood is being shunted from your digestive and reproductive systems to your muscles because you're supposed to be running away from the lion and you're sitting there worrying about your taxes instead, or whatever, the Delta variant instead. And so, long-term effects, ulcers, reproductive problems, long-term reproductive problems with, with long-term anxiety. And that's just the body. So now we get to my favorite body area, the brain.

• 26:38Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 26:39Wendy Suzuki?

  And so, long-term stress will literally start to first kill off the dendrites of your neurons, the input structures of your brain cells in two key brain areas. The hippocampus, critical for long-term memory, in the temporal lobe, and the prefrontal cortex, critical for decision-making, focus, and attention. And so, for example, PTSD, if you have PTSD, classic example of long-term stress, your whole temporal lobe gets smaller. Why? Because you first start to degrade the size of your individual brain cells. And then you start to kill them off. And so that is not, memory problems ensue. So it is not.

• 27:23Lewis Howes?

  Is the long term also the same as chronic?

• 27:27Wendy Suzuki?

  Yes.

• 27:28Lewis Howes?

  So long term stress, long term anxiety is chronic anxiety and stress?

• 27:31Wendy Suzuki?

  Exactly.

• 27:32Lewis Howes?

  Which, what's the definition of chronic? Does that just mean something that's consistent over?

• 27:38Wendy Suzuki?

  Over months, over months and years.

• 27:41Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 27:42Wendy Suzuki?

  And of course, there's different levels of intensity. Also, I should say that this book, Good Anxiety, is not addressing clinical anxiety. That is a different animal. For clinical anxiety, just as you would do if you had a broken leg, you need medical treatment. This is not a medical treatment for somebody that has chronic anxiety.

• 28:03Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 28:04Wendy Suzuki?

  This is the 90% of people that say, yeah, I have some anxiety every day. I call it everyday anxiety.

• 28:10Lewis Howes?

  Everyday anxiety.

• 28:10Wendy Suzuki?

  So these are some of the approaches and mindsets that you can use to start to shift that negative effect of anxiety and shift it in to the basic brain activation that it is and start to help motivate yourself to address the things that you're afraid of.

• 28:31Lewis Howes?

  What are the, what are the common things that most people have on a daily anxiety basis? I guess, what is it, fear of what?

• 28:37Wendy Suzuki?

  You know, generally, and this is before the pandemic.

• 28:40Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 28:41Wendy Suzuki?

  Fear of public speaking is one of the most common.

• 28:48Wendy Suzuki?

  Fear of money fears, another big one. I'm just thinking about all the, my own anxieties that I've talked about in the book. Let's see, yeah.

• 28:57Wendy Suzuki?

  Early on, social anxiety is, you know, they mirror the clinical levels of anxiety.

• 29:04Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 29:04Wendy Suzuki?

  One is general anxiety disorder is just kind of life and situations and interacting with anything come to my, start to produce anxiety. Social anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorders. One can start to worry obsessively about whatever that thing is that worries you.

• 29:25Wendy Suzuki?

  And of course, the thing that is on everybody's mind right now is the uncertainty around the coronavirus and everything that's happened in the future. We can't predict. We don't know what's going to happen in the fall with schools or work for that matter. And that uncertainty is the key driver for a lot of anxiety.

• 29:49Lewis Howes?

  So uncertainty in general?

• 29:51Wendy Suzuki?

  Yes.

• 29:51Lewis Howes?

  Is uncertainty about my money? Uncertainty if I go to this social event? Am I going to fit in? It's just kind of the uncertainty of life.

• 29:59Wendy Suzuki?

  Yes.

• 30:00Lewis Howes?

  Around different topics.

• 30:01Wendy Suzuki?

  Yes.

• 30:01Lewis Howes?

  It's uncertainty about my parents. Are they going to stay healthy? Just the uncertainty of life.

• 30:05Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah.

• 30:06Lewis Howes?

  So that sounds like it's one of the main causes of daily, everyday anxiety.

• 30:10Wendy Suzuki?

  Yes, absolutely.

• 30:11Lewis Howes?

  How do we get comfortable with uncertainty so it doesn't consume us?

• 30:15Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah, that's a great question.

• 30:17Lewis Howes?

  How do we embrace it and enjoy uncertainty?

• 30:19Wendy Suzuki?

  Mm-hmm, yeah.

• 30:20Lewis Howes?

  And have fun and play and connect with it in a different relationship?

• 30:25Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah, yeah. So that is a great question. And the answer that I provide in the book is a multi-spoke kind of strategy. And one strategy that's easy to understand is how do you create more joy in your life to kind of counteract all of these negative things coming out? And so one of my favorite, this is in the toolbox part of the book, where I go through immediate, medium-term, and long-term tools that you can use to flip your anxiety from bad to good. And my favorite, one of my favorite ones is called joy conditioning.

• 31:04Wendy Suzuki?

  Joy conditioning is mining your own memory banks for those joyous, funny, pick-your-favorite, positive emotion events in your life and consciously bringing them back up and revivifying them and bringing up those emotions. And my little trick for that is try and find a memory that you love that has an olfactory component. To it.

• 31:35Lewis Howes?

  A what component?

• 31:36Wendy Suzuki?

  Olfactory, a particular smell associated with it. Why? Because smells are really evocative of memories. It's very easy to bring up everything associated with that memory if it has a smell. It's okay if it doesn't, but the one that I use is, I love this one because everybody might have an example of this. I remember a particular yoga class I went to in New York City and I was doing so well. I was, you know, up dog, down dog. I flipped my dog. It's like, yeah, I did really well. And then I was doing my, the pose that I do the best, which is shavasana. So I was in shavasana.

• 32:13Lewis Howes?

  Is that the one where you just lay down?

• 32:15Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah, I do that really well.

• 32:17Lewis Howes?

  And just lay on your back or your like child's pose?

• 32:19Wendy Suzuki?

  Exactly. I do that even better than child's pose. It's like I lay on my back, shavasana. And I was feeling really good about myself, had this great class. And then on top of all of that, the teacher came around and she put some lavender lotion on her hand and she waved it under my nose and she gave me the most luscious five-second neck massage that I've ever had in my life. Because, you know, I worked out hard, I was feeling really good about myself. And so I literally, in my purse out there is a little vial of lavender essence. And when I need a little pick-me-up of, remember the time I just felt so good? It was just this relaxing, feel-good moment.

• 33:02Wendy Suzuki?

  I smell that lavender and that memory, that is my joy conditioning. I'm joy conditioning myself with that memory. But you can do that with whatever memory you want.

• 33:12Lewis Howes?

  Joy conditioning?

• 33:13Wendy Suzuki?

  Joy conditioning.

• 33:14Lewis Howes?

  Is that a scientific term or is that something that's...

• 33:16Wendy Suzuki?

  That is Wendy, Dr., Professor Wendy Suzuki's term. And it's based on my 25 years of studying how memory works.

• 33:22Lewis Howes?

  I love it.

• 33:23Wendy Suzuki?

  And applying all of my knowledge to addressing anxiety. And it's really a direct antidote to fear conditioning, which we all experience automatically. So that's, my example is, my apartment in Washington DC was robbed. And I walked around the corner, my door was the only one around the corner. And I still remember walking around the corner and seeing my door crowbarred open, hanging open when it was supposed to be locked. It's like, what's hap- and I walked in, which was not the smartest thing to do. Nobody was there, but, but every time I walked around that corner for months and months, I felt that. That is fear conditioning.

• 34:07Lewis Howes?

  How do you flip it?

• 34:08Wendy Suzuki?

  So, that didn't go away.

• 34:12Lewis Howes?

  You had to move.

• 34:12Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah, I did have to move. It went down slowly, but I, you know, to counteract that with something like joy conditioning is, you know, invite friends over, create wonderful memories, wonderful, safe events in that same space. It never went away, and I'll tell you why. Because that is a safety mechanism. You don't want to, you know, the brain doesn't allow us to obliterate anything. This isn't like that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Yes. So, we can't do that, but we can counteract that very protective mechanism.

• 34:55Wendy Suzuki?

  Actually, I don't want to eliminate that. I want to be wary of areas and situations that were really, really bad for me. That is-

• 35:05Lewis Howes?

  You don't want to eliminate it?

• 35:06Wendy Suzuki?

  I don't want to eliminate it.

• 35:07Lewis Howes?

  What if it's been something traumatic, though, where someone breaking in, or a sexual assault against you, or something traumatic? How do we learn to heal the memory and the emotion of that fear, of that trauma?

• 35:20Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah.

• 35:21Lewis Howes?

  To live with ourselves, or to live in the environment of a home that we can't leave yet? Or how do we?

• 35:25Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah.

• 35:26Lewis Howes?

  Is it just more joy conditioning? Are there other things?

• 35:29Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah, so this is where we get to that boundary between clinical levels and what this addresses. So, I'm really not addressing, you know, I went to Afghanistan. I have, you know, terrible PTSD. This-

• 35:43Lewis Howes?

  That's not that.

• 35:43Wendy Suzuki?

  This can help a little bit, but it does not substitute for, you need to go to a medical profession, yeah, therapist, and-

• 35:51Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 35:52Wendy Suzuki?

  So, yeah, that is not a substitute. However, you can use these in addition to your, you know, therapy approaches.

• 36:00Lewis Howes?

  Any tool, I think, is a good tool to try.

• 36:02Wendy Suzuki?

  Yes, exactly.

• 36:03Lewis Howes?

  Any tool is a good tool to try. What's another tool we can use in order to quiet some of the negative anxiety that keeps us from joy, that keeps us from feeling good about ourselves? What's another tool you like?

• 36:14Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah. I mean, we already said this, but I think this is one that so many people can use. And it was really inspired by a really good lawyer that I happened to meet at a party one day. And I told her, I'm writing this book about anxiety. And she said, I am the lawyer that I am today because of my anxiety. And I said, oh, tell me about that. And she said, you know, I use my anxiety for all the different arguments that the other side is going to put up against me, or all the things the judge might say. That becomes my to-do list. Like, what if the judge says that? What if the other side brings this up, that, that up? And I turn that into actionable items.

• 36:56Wendy Suzuki?

  And so because I do that on a systematic basis, and I've gotten really good at that, I, I plug all the holes in my case. And I think you could apply that to anything, anything in your life. And I love it because it is an act of, of turning the energy of just worrying, oh, what if this, what if this, into an action. That is really at the core of this book. Can you turn that inner turmoil into an action that is positive? And this is one example that's easy to understand how I do that. Even if you get to the top three things on your list and do something about that,

• 37:39Wendy Suzuki?

  there is a satisfaction that comes from that. And you can feel that anxiety coming down with every checkmark that you do.

• 37:50Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and if people don't turn their anxiety into a positive action, what happens? If they stay in it consistently, what happens?

• 37:57Wendy Suzuki?

  Well, then we go back to what are the chronic effects of anxiety.

• 38:01Lewis Howes?

  They get sick, heart disease, long-term stress.

• 38:03Wendy Suzuki?

  Right. And they stay in this, in this negative emotional state. They stay in the state of pure worry, no action. And that is, that is difficult to maintain. And it starts to interfere.

• 38:20Lewis Howes?

  It's exhausting.

• 38:21Wendy Suzuki?

  It's exhausting.

• 38:22Lewis Howes?

  It's emotionally draining to be in a constant state of stress, anxiety, and worry.

• 38:26Wendy Suzuki?

  Yes, it is.

• 38:27Lewis Howes?

  Draining. It's got to make you look older.

• 38:29Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah.

• 38:29Lewis Howes?

  Feel tired. I mean, I'm assuming, I'm not sure what the research says about longevity. If someone has a lot of stress and worry and anxiety, but I'm assuming you don't live long.

• 38:37Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 38:38Lewis Howes?

  You probably die younger than you should.

• 38:40Wendy Suzuki?

  Yes.

• 38:41Lewis Howes?

  What, have you studied anything about the blue zones? About the people that live in the blue zones?

• 38:45Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah.

• 38:46Lewis Howes?

  Who live the longest in the world?

• 38:47Wendy Suzuki?

  Yes, yeah.

• 38:48Lewis Howes?

  About how they manage anxiety, or if they have anxiety?

• 38:51Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah.

• 38:51Lewis Howes?

  And is there some benefit to having some anxiety? Or is it better to just have this kind of worry-free?

• 38:58Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah.

• 38:58Lewis Howes?

  Life?

• 38:59Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah.

• 39:00Lewis Howes?

  Happy-go-lucky, I'm not gonna let anything bother me, I forgive everyone, you know? It doesn't matter what you do, I'm just a happy human being. Is there some benefit to that, or no?

• 39:08Wendy Suzuki?

  Yeah, so I think that, I think about anxiety now and all that worry and anger and all these other things that come with anxiety. I really think of it as kind of the wind in my sails. That is the little fire under my backside that gets me to do things, gets me excited, gets, gets me to go towards the fear and get through it. Because I know there's something good on the other side. And without it, I mean, that, that is, I think there's certain, perhaps, times in your life if you are retired and, and you know, aren't in this situation where you're dealing with the world, that that could be great.

• 39:51Wendy Suzuki?

  That is the, you know, the happy-go-lucky, no, no worries. But for most of us, I think it is very beneficial to learn how to take that fear that is depleting us, it is exhausting us, it's making us look older, and turn that into something that makes you feel better about yourself. It decreases the overall stress in your life. And frankly, it is more practical to say, look, I, I'm not gonna be happy-go-lucky all the time. Nobody's happy-go-lucky all the time. I'm, but I'm gonna use that bad stuff that, that is inevitably going to come in. And I am going to learn from it.

• 40:35Wendy Suzuki?

  I'm going to use it to my best advantage. And one thing we haven't talked about yet, I'm gonna learn about myself through thinking about my anxiety, rather than just trying to say, "Oh, I hate it, go away." What does it tell us about ourselves? And like for me, my social anxiety told me how much I love and I appreciate deep friendships. Because I didn't have them, because I was too scared to start them.

• 41:06Lewis Howes?

  Really, you were so shy.

• 41:07Wendy Suzuki?

  I was so shy, and it kept me isolated. And there's something wrong about that. I mean, that contributed to the isolation in the first place. And so, the realization, and because part of the time, it's like, "I'm a lone wolf. I like being alone, you know, it's okay." But actually, the truth was, I love being with people. It motivates me. So I had to get through that shyness to get that joy on the other side.

• 41:41Lewis Howes?

  When people criticize you for being too busy, or doing too many entrepreneurial things, and they have no clue about your personal life, but they'll criticize you, "Oh, he's probably not showing up for his kids," or "He's not there for his, you know, relationships," or whatever it might be. How do you navigate that conversation? When people say, "Oh, he's just a business guy, but he's really not good at family, intimate relationships, personal life."

• 42:10Gary Vaynerchuk?

  I mean, if my mom said that, then I'd be like, "Let's have this conversation." If JohnnyPants49 in the comments section says it, I'm like, "Johnny Pants, I don't know you." Usually, it's a direct reflection of their own anxiety. Louis, think about this. Could you imagine taking time to going to somebody else's account?

• 42:29Lewis Howes?

  Criticizing them.

• 42:29Gary Vaynerchuk?

  To try to make them feel bad?

• 42:30Lewis Howes?

  No, no.

• 42:32Gary Vaynerchuk?

  I don't like, you know, I'm trying to change some words in society. Let's take criticizing out. It sounds like classic. No, no, no. You are going to some, I want to go back to first grade talk.

• 42:42Lewis Howes?

  To try to pull them down.

• 42:43Gary Vaynerchuk?

  You're trying to make someone feel bad.

• 42:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, shame them.

• 42:46Gary Vaynerchuk?

  You're trying to make someone feel bad.

• 42:50Gary Vaynerchuk?

  I don't know, man, like I just don't have that gear.

• 42:51Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 42:52Gary Vaynerchuk?

  And, and I don't judge those people either. My lack of judgment against haters, trolls, negative people is, is a very big power.

• 43:01Lewis Howes?

  How do you not take that personally when so many people do?

• 43:04Gary Vaynerchuk?

  They don't, they don't know me.

• 43:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 43:06Gary Vaynerchuk?

  It's honestly, brother, it's logical. It's actually very logical.

• 43:13Gary Vaynerchuk?

  I would have to think you care more about what I think about you than someone you've never met, because we've interacted 31 times. It would just be logical.

• 43:20Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I, I had to learn this probably the hard way for many years. Really until the last five years, when it started to be like, okay, when people are saying nasty things about me online, or leaving a nasty comment, or whatever it is, I could literally take it as a neutral information and not take it personally anymore. But it took me a decade of being in this world.

• 43:40Gary Vaynerchuk?

  I'm not a robot.

• 43:41Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 43:41Gary Vaynerchuk?

  It's not like, you know, you know, especially like, I'll give you a big one. The proudest thing I have in my life professionally is that I sacrificed the first 12 full years of my career to build a business for my mom and dad.

• 43:56Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 43:56Gary Vaynerchuk?

  It is the single thing I'm proud of stuff. It has also been the thing historically that people weaponize against me.

• 44:02Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 44:02Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Don't listen to him, because they don't know my story. You know, on a TikTok, he inherited a winery.

• 44:07Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 44:08Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Okay, first of all, it was a liquor store in New Jersey. I didn't inherit, I'm one of the few people on earth that was the direct correlation for massive growth for their family and extracted no financial value.

• 44:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 44:20Gary Vaynerchuk?

  I'm the opposite of what you think you're weaponizing against me. But you're weaponizing that against me, it's all just logic. You're saying that because what I'm saying in this video is hard. I'm saying, fuck you, stop blaming the government, the school system, your parents. And what about you? You're a grown ass kid now. You're 26, the fuck are you crying about? You don't like it, put in the work. You've got unlimited people look up to. You're talking about over five years, putting in the work. I'm sitting here saying, man, I'm still working on, I'm not even, I'm not even like, I'm, 4.7 is what I scored me. And I'm, and think about it, I'm grading my own homework, which means it's really a 3.2.

• 45:01Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Like, like, why are you not capable of being accountable? Or like, we all, like, you eventually have to man and woman up. No matter how toxic. Like, there are, when people say to me, "Well, but my dad." I'm like, "Bro, there are people who had their uncles abduct them. There are people who watched their parents drive out of the driveway and get hit by a truck and get killed." There is so much extreme.

• 45:29Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Like, as if your circumstance is the single worst one. We both are very active in a charity that is trying to help 800 million people.

• 45:42Gary Vaynerchuk?

  I'm sorry about that.

• 45:43Lewis Howes?

  Sorry.

• 45:43Gary Vaynerchuk?

  But I was going for a fact.

• 45:44Lewis Howes?

  Scared.

• 45:45Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Brother, 800 million people on Earth did not have access to what I just dumped.

• 45:50Lewis Howes?

  Water.

• 45:50Gary Vaynerchuk?

  You and I spend real time on that. 800 million people can't get clean water within a day, right now, on Earth.

• 45:59Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 46:00Gary Vaynerchuk?

  And you're telling me your mom hurt your feelings? I get it, that's real. But you're not capable of being accountable and saying, "You know what? This, I'm gonna be the one that fixes it." How many, I met a man, by the way, I'm recalling now, had drinks the other day. A gentleman who said, "I was the one that broke the pattern of alcoholism in my family." My great-grandfather, my grandfather, my father, and I said, "No." And everything was there for me to do it. I was on the streets at 13, I started to go down it, and I was like, "No." So why him? He's not special, I'm not special, you're not special. We have talents.

• 46:38Lewis Howes?

  What do you think are the two or three things that have been beyond candor? Your biggest struggles? Or the hardest things you've had to overcome?

• 46:47Gary Vaynerchuk?

  One is very real right now. Which is, I am atrocious at smelling the roses.

• 46:57Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Because the whole game for me is smelling the roses. However, I'm sensing like, but would I have enjoyed the memories of the more extreme version of smelling the roses? Let me explain what I mean. Yeah. So when I have wins, I don't celebrate them. Like, there's no, like, in my world, we just landed a $20 million client.

• 47:20Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 47:20Gary Vaynerchuk?

  It's a lot. It's a big client. And a bunch of the people at Vayner, they've worked at other places. They're like, so when's the, so what are we doing, like, the celebration here?

• 47:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:30Gary Vaynerchuk?

  And I'm like, what do you, I don't, like, my brain's like, I don't understand what you're saying. Right? And not that, like, I'm like some tyrant. It's almost like just my energy goes to, like, problems. I'm a, you know, as I continue to go through my own journey, it'll be very clear that I was, I was blessed with many things as a child, but I was also burdened with some. Like, I was the oldest from the old country. I mean, when I tell you since the time I was five years old, I remember being ingrained.

• 48:00Lewis Howes?

  Like, responsibility, responsibility.

• 48:02Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Take your sister. Take your, like, my mom, and I admire that from my mom. Do I also understand, like, anything, if anything's too extreme, one or the other? Between that, and then, don't forget, at 14, I come into my dad's business. By the time I'm like 15 and a half, when you still used to even use a half, it became clear, like, I was a talent. Back to the great Kobe Bryant that you got to do a podcast with.

• 48:24Lewis Howes?

  We're up 20, 30%, you know, this year, because you're in there frickin' razzle-dazzle people.

• 48:28Gary Vaynerchuk?

  So guess what happens? Now I'm 17 and 18 and 19, and I'm feeling the financial burden. Right? And now that was, I want to be very careful here. It's not like my father came to me and said, you need to, absolutely not. I did that to myself, but it was hardwired even early. And my environment's like, my responsibility, you know? I think a lot of first-generation, oldest immigrants that were born in the old country, and their siblings were born here, actually, that's really cool. Anybody who's watching, email me at gary@vaynerx, if you're this exact person. You're an immigrant yourself. You immigrated to America, or any first-world country, London, anywhere else. And you're the only sibling that was born in the old country, but you have siblings that were born in the new world.

• 49:13Gary Vaynerchuk?

  I think there's something there.

• 49:14Lewis Howes?

  Of course.

• 49:15Gary Vaynerchuk?

  There's something there. I felt half-parent my whole life.

• 49:19Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 49:20Gary Vaynerchuk?

  AJ, who you know well.

• 49:23Gary Vaynerchuk?

  I mean, minimumly, I feel 50% dad, 50%.

• 49:27Lewis Howes?

  Wow, really?

• 49:27Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Of course, he's 11 years younger than me.

• 49:29Lewis Howes?

  Ah, that's true.

• 49:29Gary Vaynerchuk?

  You know, so you're 18 and he's seven, and forget about the 11 years. Like I just told you earlier, I felt that way towards my sister, who's only three and a half years younger. There was just something like, you're the, and again, I think back. This is where, I'll say something very important right now, I, I believe. I think we judge our parents too much.

• 49:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, of course.

• 49:48Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Like, I don't sit here and say, "Mom." Like, you know, I think people really dwell too much. I understand, my mom lost her mom at five, and then her dad went to jail for 10 years in the Soviet Union, because every entrepreneur did. And so, her and her brother.

• 50:03Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I get it.

• 50:04Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Were the world, so she made, I mean, bratyn sestra, shenegalova, was like propaganda into my head of like, my relationship with my sister.

• 50:13Lewis Howes?

  But it's hard when you're eight to, to think that way, to not think, your parents should be trying to protect you, and educate you, and, you know, elevate you.

• 50:21Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Yeah, but there is no should.

• 50:22Lewis Howes?

  I get it.

• 50:23Gary Vaynerchuk?

  You know, you want to have a real moment in this podcast? Everybody, I'm looking at all the [bleep] cameras right now, there is no should. That's the biggest thing, right? Because then we could say, "Your parents should do this," and then I'll tell you the biggest pandemic in the world right now, which is 22 to 30-year-olds, who are really struggling with standing on their own two feet, because their parents went too far to what you just said.

• 50:43Lewis Howes?

  They, they took care of them too much.

• 50:45Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Too much. So this purple, by the way, look at these two books.

• 50:48Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 50:48Gary Vaynerchuk?

  This is purple for a specific reason, I'm not a Lakers fan.

• 50:51Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 50:52Gary Vaynerchuk?

  And meet me in the middle. What I can tell you has become very clear to me, is I believe that the world desperately needs to figure out how to fall in love with purple, not red or blue.

• 51:06Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Because they both have major valid points, and they both have major [bleep] flaws. And the middle, especially parenting. One of the reasons I started Be Friends is, I knew what was happening with Gary Vee. You know this, we've run enough similar circles. I've been very blessed, that because of where I was, I was then able to be what my mom, and my circumstance, in a lot of ways, did for me, I've been able to do for a lot of people. Right? It feels nice.

• 51:35Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 51:36Gary Vaynerchuk?

  You get it too. It feels nice for people to say, "Hey, you've really helped me." For me, children, you get in that early. It's one thing if I meet you in 2009 in St. Louis and could be a positive deposit. You've been built, though. There's a lot of shit there. You had to do a lot of your work. I had, I couldn't do, I can't do that as an outsized, outside motivation or inspiration or perspective.

• 52:00Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 52:00Gary Vaynerchuk?

  But when you get in early, so for example, in V Friends,

• 52:05Gary Vaynerchuk?

  there's a character called Accountable Ant. I'm obsessed with this character. I believe that if I can make that character cool, like Pikachu or Spider-Man, right? That if you're a kid that falls in love with the cartoons I'm gonna put out, or the kids' books, or the video games, and you're like, "I [bleep] with Accountable Ant as my guy," right?

• 52:25Lewis Howes?

  I am accountable for everything in my life.

• 52:27Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Think about what happens. If you love Spider-Man, or you love Wolverine, or you love Pikachu, like, you're subconsciously getting in virtues of that. Like, or you envy it because you don't have it. If all of a sudden Accountable Ant is your guy and you're wearing hoodies with it, it kind of gets hard if you're like, "I [bleep] with Accountable Ant."

• 52:45Lewis Howes?

  And you're not being-

• 52:46Gary Vaynerchuk?

  To not be accountable, or at least strive to it, or at least even know the existence. There's many people watching, listening, that don't even realize that they live in a full dwelling, complaining, blaming framework. I've had many friends, relatives, and relationships, acquaintances, and business partners, because I'm, my parents too far went with no complaining, which meant keeping things in, right? But as you can imagine, if you're visceral to complaining, you smell it from a mile away.

• 53:15Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 53:16Gary Vaynerchuk?

  And then if you're really visceral to it and you smell it from a mile away, well, you're aware that someone's constantly dwelling, dwelling and blaming. And so, to me, like, what was most fascinating in my 30s and 40s as I've gone through this journey is, they don't see it, which led me to the great breakthrough of candor. I, Louis, I didn't know, when we met, that that was my kryptonite. I thought it was my strength. How about that?

• 53:39Lewis Howes?

  Because you're being honest online and you're being honest onstage, you mean?

• 53:42Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Nope. Because I, because in, I didn't even realize the economy of that. I just thought I was being nice. I was like, "Look what I'm doing for Sally. Two more years of payroll when she sucks. Look what I'm doing for Ricky."

• 53:54Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 53:55Gary Vaynerchuk?

  "This guy blows. He'll never be okay out there." There was probably a mix of little ego, like, "Jump on my shoulders, I'll be Superman", which is why I'm using the kryptonite example. But there was also, I thought it was being good.

• 54:08Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Life's hard lessons. I had to wake up in my mid-40s and go, "Why is anyone that's ever worked for me not like me?" Because, you know, you'd read a tweet and be like, "Gary", like, "I'm gonna be like, 'Fuck, I was so nice to Johnny.'" I had to really do that work.

• 54:22Lewis Howes?

  Why do you think that people maybe don't like you?

• 54:24Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Well, people in the outside world who don't know me don't like me. The reason they wouldn't like it is because either my communication style isn't their jam, which I understand. Like, when you're aggressive and confident and competitive and Jersey and, like, my shtick in their mind, like, it doesn't work for them. I understand that. Some people are more chill, like, you know, like, the reason people don't like, "I love to live in New York City", some people come and are like, "Get me the [bleep] out of here on that", right? It's too much. That I respect. Number two...

• 54:53Lewis Howes?

  The people that know you or work for you or...

• 54:55Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Yeah, let me finish this. I think, because I think this will help people, because what I'm really trying to do in this is not saying about me. I'm hoping that people can start having a better relationship with people not liking them that don't know them.

• 55:05Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, that's good.

• 55:06Gary Vaynerchuk?

  So, number two, it's their own... They want to be a successful entrepreneur, and I'm triggering, you know, affirmation of like, "They're not there yet", and they're like, "You [bleep] this guy", right? Three, they overly put me on a pedestal, and then I do something that they don't agree with, and it [bleep] them up, which is very flattering, but very understanding. But it's all wrapped up in who they are with themselves. On the version of people that do know me, the only thing, the black and white thing, was the inability... It's only the people closest that didn't get the candor that I actually ironically liked the most. Now, what's been nice, you know what got me away with it for a long time? Was people's own accountability.

• 55:50Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Why I was getting away with it in my own mind to my own self was people would hit me up three, four years later with emails like, "I'm sorry." Because they had gone through, "Look, if you're, if you're like, if you're a C player, you're good for me." Because I think you need all kinds. It was D and F. So you could ima-- and that was a subjective opinion, whether I'm right or wrong. But as you can imagine, it's not like I'm bad at it. I've been doing it my whole life. So a lot of those people really were D-ing, F-ing it. And they threw their own work on themselves, actually were able to go back and actually see a lot of the, they were able to see so many of the nice things I was doing, even though I was sloppy on the candor and on the firing.

• 56:31Lewis Howes?

  I had all the drive for most of my life. I was like, "I need to be successful. I'm going to get better in sports." I was willing to put in the work and do whatever it took to win, right? And that helped me become accomplished, but it left me feeling insecure, alone, and still not enough inside. No matter how much I had, and how many accomplishments, or success, or accolades, or whatever it might be, or people telling me, followers, it didn't make me feel loved. Didn't bring me peace. If you could only give people three talents that they should work on, focus on, develop, that is going to help them in this, is going to help them with relationships, health, everything. You've got a lot of different things with meeting, meeting in the middle, and a lot

• 57:16Lewis Howes?

  of different characters and archetypes and identities that people could go into. But three emotional skills that people can master in their twenties, thirties, and beyond, what would those three things be?

• 57:28Gary Vaynerchuk?

  I'll tell them in V Friends forums. For people that don't know, there's 250 plus, I think it's 283 V Friends, and they're named as alliterations of things I believe in. So this book is Patient Pig and Eager Eagle. So you can imagine how they can meet in the middle, right? To answer your question directly, I will start first with self-aware hair. Self-awareness.

• 57:53Gary Vaynerchuk?

  And self-awareness has, becomes the gateway drug to self-love. Once you can see it in yourself, like, I didn't see the lack of candor. And I'm, my, my superpower is self-awareness. This is why I was so good. I was like, I'm this, but I'm not this. And I'm this, and I'm not this. And I didn't envy, or have jealousy towards that I wasn't 6'3". I wish I was.

• 58:14Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 58:14Gary Vaynerchuk?

  I wanted to play for the Jets instead of own them one day, right? But, but it didn't happen.

• 58:18Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 58:19Gary Vaynerchuk?

  And I wish I was like, could sing, because, and I want to be a Backstreet Boy. But, that seemed fun, but, but I didn't have that. And there was never like, I got really, so self-awareness was really, really strong, and I think it would help a lot of people.

• 58:33Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 58:33Gary Vaynerchuk?

  It's okay to be what you are, but do you even know what you are?

• 58:38Lewis Howes?

  How do you know what you are?

• 58:39Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Do you know that, that you're tenacious? Do you know that you're competitive? Do you, and, and I think you need to double down on those things, not smooth them out. Or what a lot of people do, over-obsess of what you're not.

• 58:54Gary Vaynerchuk?

  You need to tweak things.

• 58:55Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 58:56Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Anyway, so self-awareness.

• 58:57Lewis Howes?

  Yes. How do you develop more self-awareness?

• 58:59Gary Vaynerchuk?

  I'll go into that in a minute, because I've thought about that a lot. I actually think it's about communication around your inner circle to let them feel safe to tell you the truth.

• 59:08Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 59:09Gary Vaynerchuk?

  It's a wild one.

• 59:10Lewis Howes?

  Like, tell me what?

• 59:11Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Yeah, if you're listening right now.

• 59:12Lewis Howes?

  What my strengths are, what my weaknesses are.

• 59:14Gary Vaynerchuk?

  I'm gonna give it to you right now. I, I, because I just can feel the listener on the other side. Hey, everyone, real talk. If you're like, ooh, this is hitting me, I've got a big one for you. Because I said this in my last book, and I've got a lot of reach out on this. Just pick the two or three people, probably your sister, your brother, probably your mom or dad, definitely your best friend, definitely your best friend. And maybe like, an epic person you work with, like your favorite boss, ever, or current. And literally invite them to a dinner, literally, I'm not joking, and say, "This is gonna be a weird fun dinner. I'll surprise you when we get there." Because you don't want them to overthink. When you get there, you're gonna say, "You'll never believe this. I was listening to Lewis's podcast, Gary Vee was on." I'm really not joking.

• 59:58Gary Vaynerchuk?

  I don't, I don't, this is a very important part of this little narrative, the thing that I'm telling you. You're gonna say to them, it's unlikely you'll be able to deliver on what I'm about to ask right this second. But if you're wondering why my best friend's here and my boss that none of you've ever met, and my sister and my aunt are here, let me tell you why.

• 1:00:16Lewis Howes?

  Oh, bring them all together in one?

• 1:00:18Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Yes.

• 1:00:18Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:00:18Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Because what you wanna do is suffocate. It's kinda like posting your weight on the internet and like, you wanna suffocate yourself. Correct. You're saying, "I wanna be more self-aware. I need all of you to tell me the full truth. All of you are the people I deem that I think love me the most, which means it's gonna be hard for you to say, but I'm bringing you all together to say what I need is this." And you don't have to do it now, because boss, you might feel weird saying it in front of my mom the first time you've ever met her. But I need it ASAP. Tomorrow's fine, one-on-one. Now, and every family.

• 1:00:54Lewis Howes?

  Things will open up.

• 1:00:55Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Yeah, every circle's gonna be different. Every circle's gonna be different.

• 1:00:57Lewis Howes?

  This is like almost creating a self-intervention.

• 1:01:00Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Correct.

• 1:01:01Lewis Howes?

  Most people aren't willing to do that.

• 1:01:02Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Correct. This is if, this, again, I think three to 11 people listening right now, and I know a lot of people are gonna listen, between both of our platforms, I think only three to 11 people are gonna do this.

• 1:01:11Lewis Howes?

  And they should send us a message after they do.

• 1:01:13Gary Vaynerchuk?

  It's gonna be amazing. And so that would be how you find self-awareness, because someone's gonna, like, if I had done that, either my mom, who struggles with it as well, my dad, who recognizes it, Brandon Warnicki, my best friend, who runs Wine Library and Wine Text, also struggles with it, so he might have not even been able to say it. My brother might have been able to come through. My sister now would have been able to see it more than 10 years. But if I had done it, somebody in that circle might have been like, "You're too full of [BLEEP], you're too nice."

• 1:01:45Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:01:45Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Somebody might have, if I did, if I did what I'm saying here, which is like, "Say it. It's okay. I know you don't believe me." And you're even, and I was very, I was a challenge for people always, because I was always providing so much emotional and financial value.

• 1:01:59Lewis Howes?

  Of course, yeah.

• 1:02:00Gary Vaynerchuk?

  I'm a real piece of work for most people, because it is very common for me to be either, and often both, the emotional and financial value in the relationship.

• 1:02:11Lewis Howes?

  And they don't wanna, they don't wanna ruin the relationship.

• 1:02:13Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Of course.

• 1:02:13Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:14Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Like, it's, you know, it's a vulnerability for me. It's my, it's my coping mechanism. I always have the leverage.

• 1:02:21Lewis Howes?

  Can take care of people, yeah.

• 1:02:22Gary Vaynerchuk?

  I just always have the leverage. I mean, there's, those are the two things on earth. Emotional and fighting, that's the game.

• 1:02:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:29Gary Vaynerchuk?

  And I'm good at both and generous with both.

• 1:02:34Lewis Howes?

  Wow, okay, so that's number one, self-awareness.

• 1:02:37Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Number two, gratitude gorilla.

• 1:02:42Gary Vaynerchuk?

  I think if you can learn, and this is just killing people on earth, you would be flabbergasted what would happen. And I've seen it with people around me recently, where you just decide right now on this podcast that instead of waking up in the morning, which so many people do, being all upset and having all of their perspective and energy towards what's not good, I should be making more money. I don't like my job. This person I just woke up next to is, I don't like him anymore. Like, all the tough stuff.

• 1:03:16Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Instead, deciding to be like, I'm glad I woke up and didn't die last night.

• 1:03:20Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:03:21Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Simplicity.

• 1:03:21Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:23Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Gratitude comes from simplicity, Lewis. Like, it's like, you know, back to your point, like, everyone's like, Gary, social media's up, everybody, they think they need this stuff. I'm like, do you understand that I grew up watching lifestyles of the rich and famous?

• 1:03:36Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:03:37Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Like, have you heard of MTV Cribs? Everybody saw that.

• 1:03:41Lewis Howes?

  Everyone's showing the, over the top.

• 1:03:43Gary Vaynerchuk?

  Pimp my ride, like, if you had a $400 used car, that felt...

• 1:03:48Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:03:49Gary Vaynerchuk?

  This is not a new phenomenon. Like, as if, what, you didn't go to school and one of the kids was the richest kid in school?

• 1:03:56Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:56Gary Vaynerchuk?

  You didn't have envy that they had a brand-new BMW and you had to walk to school? Get the f*** out of here with envy and jealousy. It's as old as tru-- like, time.

• 1:04:06Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:04:06Gary Vaynerchuk?

  So gratitude, what do you have? Again, I said something to somebody who was complaining in my inner circle about three, four years ago,

• 1:04:15Gary Vaynerchuk?

  and they were just like, but you to me, and then to other stuff, right? And I finally said, I said, ex-person,

• 1:04:23Gary Vaynerchuk?

  let's bump this dinner, because this is not, like, fun. Instead of telling me, like, why I have it better, why, and this is somebody I really know, why this person has it better, why your older brother has it better, this is the real example. I'm like, for the next 20 minutes, while we eat this chicken, can you please tell me?

• 1:04:39Lewis Howes?

  Hand it to us perfectly, yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:41Gary Vaynerchuk?

  You're gonna like this. I said, can you tell me who you have it better than?

• 1:04:46Gary Vaynerchuk?

  And it was a really interesting moment, and I know that person's smiling right now, and I'll probably get a text. I think it really had an impact on them. Because I suffocated it. They're like, "Oh, blah blah." I was like, "No, no, just appease me. We're here. Who do you have a better than?" And then he went into like all our common people, which he definitely had a better than. And you're like, "Yeah, 99% of people." And then I went into my... And I'm like, "Okay. And what about everybody who is in Africa right now in concentration? And the people in China? Like, what about real [BLEEP]? What about somebody who during this dinner got diagnosed with terminal cancer? And during this dinner, looked down at their phone real quick and got into a car accident

• 1:05:30Gary Vaynerchuk?

  that took their life? And what about the two 14-year-old twin daughters that lost their mom in that picture I just painted? Since we've been sitting here, I just don't understand how people don't understand what the [BLEEP] is going on. Since you and I have been sitting, recording this podcast, of the 8 billion people on Earth, thousands- Have died. Have not only died, correct, but have gotten devastating news. I worry that a lot of the things that we most worried about, I'll say it, suicide and other things, are not a product of social media. They're a product of us not recognizing things out of whack.

• 1:06:08Lewis Howes?

  I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

• 1:06:52Lewis Howes?

  And now, it's time to go out there and do something great.