We Might Be Drunk
Hosted by Mark Normand and Sam Morril
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21,598 words · 6 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
Okay, let's rock. Hey, oh wait, I see some camera work here. Do your thing. Throw me a salsa while you're over there, will ya?
Boy, kid was giggling today. There's nothing like a baby giggling. It's a magical, he's like It's like a dolphin. Oh my god, it warms the heart, the giggling. Are we rolling? Oh, alright. I see touching. What are you touching?
Wow, I'd like to be in focus. Ah geez, this is too much. He looks like a war-torn kid I saved. What is this, Ukraine?
Are we on? I'm Zelensky. Don't show his face on the, on the screen. Yeah, blur, blur the face. Blur the face. If one guy calls him ugly, I'll have to go Iran on his ass and kill them all. But, uh, yeah, yeah, he giggles now and it's, I can't stop believing him. You know, all I gotta do is take a, like a washcloth and I put it, like, over his face like that, you know, hide the face, then show it, and he's like, "Ah!" And boy... Talk about Iran. I do a burka. Yeah, but the revolution is there. I take it off and, uh, I, he had some gunk in his armpit and I wiped it and he was like, "Ah!" So we had some tickled moments, it was, uh, it was a good time. You're great if your comedy just slips. You're just going for shit jokes now. It's like List's old joke about the keys.
Yes, yes. I thought that was Romano. It was Joe List. Uh-oh. I think Romano had a bit about the keys. I don't know. Pull that up. I don't want to get anybody in trouble here, but, uh, yeah, that's a great... And don't pull it up. Alright, don't pull it up. What, uh, you're going to a corporate right after this? Uh, at 6, yeah. Where, where is it? Lincoln Center, tech company, big bucks. Beautiful. Yeah, I said, uh, I'm down. I love that you're like, "I dressed up." You just fucking threw a jean shirt on? Well... Acting like he's like, "I figured I dressed up." I figured you'd throw a blazer on or something. Oh yeah, that's true. But the tech people don't dress up anyway. Exactly. They're all wearing cargo shorts and Hawaiian shirts. They're just like stallicues. Steve Jobs was the guy and he dressed like a fucking Star Trek character.
He started it, yeah. Turtle neck and jeans. And I think he wore a sandal.
Did he?
I believe he did.
Weird diet, too.
Oh, yeah. Vegan, Indian, uh...
Do the weird cleanses and stuff like that?
Yeah, he was an odd guy. He would, I read a book on him.
Me, too. The Walter Isaacson?
Yes!
That's a great book.
Great book. Well, Isaacson's the king.
He's, he's a New Orleans guy.
Is that right?
Yeah. Or, I think he teaches at Tulane, maybe.
What?
He has some connection to New Orleans. Yeah, he's...
You know that?
He wrote the Einstein book, he wrote the, uh...
Elon Musk?
Elon Musk.
Yeah.
Which is weird that there's already a book on Musk, and you know, like, part two's gonna be rough.
Yeah, that's true.
This is like the prologue, right?
I know. Isaacson's like, "Oh, I missed the tweet about pedophile, uh, the pedophile island. Fuck." By the way, the most relatable thing Musk has ever done was go, "Shit, sorry." Like, he's a billionaire, he's an entrepreneur, but I've, I've gotten shitfaced and been in a K-hole and said, "Hey, Sheila, you, you're not better than me." And then later, I'm like, "Sorry, I was fucked up."
Yeah, for sure. I mean, the, the apology, showing any humility, 'cause it's fucking rare for him, for him.
Very rare. So, that was fun. That was like, hey...
It's not relatable when he's like, has a falling out with a friend, and he just goes to Twitter and is like, "Maybe he's a pedo." That's not as relatable, but...
No.
Then being like, "I said some shit."
Right.
You're right, it's relatable.
Well, what's also funny is he just took a physical, and he came back clean, and I'm like, "That's worse." You would, you'd be, be better off on drugs. If that's your normal behavior, sober.
Ow. What, what, what is, does ketamine show on that type of stuff?
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that all pops up, but he said, you know, clean. But again, he owns Grok or whatever, so he could, I'm sure he could type up whatever the fuck he wants.
I'm sure he knows someone who could say he's clean.
Yeah, exactly.
You get, you get to a certain level of power, you, you can see whatever doctor you wanna see.
Yes, of course. So, he's on ivermectin, and, uh, no, but yeah, he's, uh, he's apparently clean, but well, who knows? But that was a crazy tweet, but...
What tech company are you performing for?
Ugh, I'd never heard of it, I can tell ya. I'm sure they don't want me to...
How much time? How much time?
Twenty minutes, big money.
And what's uh?
No restrictions.
What venue?
Lincoln Center, one of those.
Is it like one of the ones where like you're looking out onto the Columbus Circle area?
I don't think so.
Oh, okay.
That would be cool.
Those are cool.
It's amazing. I looked at that for a special, actually.
Did you?
I did too.
Oh, yeah.
It's cool.
It's too cool.
But it's distracting.
It's distracting, yeah.
But yeah, I did a gig, I did a private there once and it was kinda cool.
Yeah, great room, but again, I feel like you gotta be like a, you know, Steve Martin to do that room or Paul McCartney.
I just don't think it helps when there's like a weird thing, when there's shit going on behind you.
I agree.
I think a backdrop is, even too busy a backdrop is one.
Yes.
But like, once you got like movement and motion, what are we doing?
And it's Manhattan, so you get a guy shitting, you get a heroin addict, you get a guy hitting a woman.
That's getting stabbed in the neck.
Yeah, pigeons on crack or whatever, so yeah, that's too much, but beautiful room.
Yeah, it's cool.
But the reason they're paying so much is because they hit me last night and they were like, can you do this? So somebody important must have dropped out.
Really?
But I'll take it.
Segura.
He's like, man, I almost did this fucking awful corporate.
Oh, we'll ask about it.
These tech people, they're Nazis, and Mark's like, ah.
The money's crazy, sorry.
I saw here that Sam Altman says that Meta is offering a hundred million dollar signing bonuses for staff of OpenAI. That is just if you get the job. They give you a hundred million dollars for showing up.
And that's not your salary.
Holy shit. I don't get it. Are people not going into AI jobs?
They just want the best of the best.
I see.
And I think it's also stealing your soul a little bit because you're gonna be, you know, partially culpable for ruining the world.
Ruining the world.
Yeah, yeah. Well, Joe List is obsessed with AI, he's freaking out, he wouldn't shut up about it, and he's sending me all these things and it's pretty scary. The AI makers are saying, don't do this.
Well, then there's the other AI people who are like, you know, the argument is like, well, the bad AI people are doing this, so we need some good AI.
Right, right.
You know, to counteract that.
I know, and we have such a big ego, we don't want like China's AI to be cooler than ours, then you gotta keep going, and then the money's gonna be there, and it's very scary.
Yeah, I get mad when people suggest it because I kinda was like, oh, there's this, I was like, there's this big actor I wanted to do to do voiceover for this movie I was making, and... I was talking to Vida about it and our buddy Danny Frankel from Punch Up goes, "Just use AI."
I know.
Fuck you.
That's a person's career, motherfucker.
Yes, yes, exactly, but that's gonna happen.
The guy I wanted has a very recognizable voice. And he's like, "You get AI to..." I'm like, "That's fucked up, dude."
I know, but you're the old school. That's already changing and you're gonna be like the saddle maker, the cobbler. You're out, baby. But you're doing the right thing, but it's only a matter of time before everything just... I was talking to a friend of mine today, he's like, "I watched an AI sitcom today and it was good."
That's Terry, "Made it in 16 milliseconds." Paul Schrader, the great screenwriter, said, "I put in four ideas for scripts and they were all great."
Yeah, Uber driver took after Taxi Driver.
I just rewatched Taxi Driver, it's fucking amazing.
It's great.
He's so dark, Schrader.
Hey!
Hell yes, come here.
Get in here. Tommy, baby, we need some intro music.
Get some AI, we can plug that up.
Yeah, we're just talking about how scared of AI we are.
Oh yeah, we should be.
It's taking over.
Good to see you, dude.
Good to see you.
What are you...
Is that AI or is that Al Pacino?
That's Sam in Gaza.
I was watching that on TV the other day.
It was fucking great.
What a beauty, yeah.
So cool.
Now, the thing about the AI thing too is the way that people are like, A, if the ones who are like, "Well, I'm just gonna ignore that," you're like, "That's cool, that's smart." The thing that is totally revolutionizing.
You're just gonna ignore it, and then the other part of it is that we're in version 1.0.
I know!
It's gonna get so much better.
Oh yeah.
I saw a rap battle of Santino and Bobby Lee made through AI and I was like, "These are pretty good bars."
I'm telling ya.
It's not bad.
I love that so many people are just making racist stuff with it, it's weird. It's so fun.
And then I'm like, oh no, that was actually Trump. That was just him.
It's so much.
But there's so much porn, too. Porn and racism is like the go to for human beings, I think.
There's a whole Jesus AI thing where he's fucking everybody and doing heroin. It's crazy.
That must really offend religious people.
Oh, probably.
No, no, Jesus just fucking railing.
Yeah. Did you hear, pull this up if you can find it. There's a new article about AI blackmailed an employee by making fake emails from a girl, like saying he was having an affair. He got fired and then AI was getting better and better. So this machine blackmailed a guy who worked at the office. There it is.
So you gotta just shut, pull, pull the plug on that computer, on Claude. Claude's a-
That's a, that's a, that's a movie. It's a great-
Like Ex Machina or something, right?
I got a creepy text the other day from this woman, like, it's spam, clearly. It's like, it's a scam thing, but it's, it was like her with a kid and she goes, happy Father's Day. He's yours. And I'm like, I wrote, I wrote back like, ha, ha, you know, I'm guessing someone like put me up to it. And she goes, yeah, someone put you, uh, gave me your number. And I was like, her?
Oh, geez.
Who gave, like, what? Cause I'm thinking, it was a 504 area code. I'm like, you're the only New Or-.
I know Norman wouldn't do that. So I'm like, who the fuck?
I wish I thought of that.
Yeah, so it's like, so I was like, okay, who? And she goes, I can't tell. And I'm like, all right, this is clearly a scam now, I think. But it's that, these, these scams are getting sophisticated. The kid's got, like, he kinda looked a little like me.
I was like-
Oh, my god.
These are getting fucking, maybe I am a dad, I don't-
I mean, you have come before.
Yeah, in women.
Damn.
You could be.
In New Orleans.
Oh, wow.
Maybe this is real.
Whoa.
Guys, the way you guys-
I just blocked her, I'm like, this is a scam. That's my child.
You'll never see him again.
The way you locked eyes, it felt like you were like, you remember?
That story?
But that, that's just the tip of the anal. I mean, it's gonna go crazier than that. They're gonna show up with a kid, like an AI kid, gonna come to your house.
Well, remember back in the day AOL was like, "Hey you," or whatever that name was? And that was back then, we were like, "This is sophisticated."
Look where it's fucking come.
Now, there's so many, the levels of, of, first of all, we all get spam texts, right?
Mm-hmm.
I used to do a thing when I got it, like, if it would be, it would say, "Are you outside?" I'm like, "What?"
Oh, weird.
"Is this Melissa?" And then I would just, I would always say that, I would reply that I'm, "This is Ambassador Cartwright." And they would go, "What?" I'm like, "This is a US ambassador." Like, I'd try to get them scared.
You know, I'd be like, "Someone from the State Department's gonna busy," and then they would just be like, "Whatever, man," and like, leave.
But now, I do the thing when they go like, "Melissa?" I go, "Yeah."
I do that too.
Yeah, and then they're like, "Oh, this is Jessica. I don't know if I saved your number right." And I'm like, "No, this is me." And then they're like, "Oh." Like, I think they're always used to the plan being, "Hey, you got the wrong number."
Sure.
It's a good plan.
Oh, you out-crazy them.
Yeah, you just try to be crazier.
It's way more fun.
So they just be like, "Hey, are we not doing lunch, or what?"
I got one for you. This, this maybe is wrong, but a couple of years back, I got a text from a girl who was like, "Hey, baby, what are you up to?" And I was like, "Just hanging." Didn't know the number, and she was like, "You wanna come over?" And I was like, "Well, make it worth my while." She sent a fingering video, so now I've got a woman like, "Does this help?" And I'm like, "Ahhhh, I don't get off the couch for at least anal." And she was like, "All right," and then she did a little ad, and I eventually had to be like, "I'm so sorry, it's the wrong number." And she was like, "Okay, just don't show anybody."
Yeah, so she was cool.
Oh, that wasn't a scam. You just exploited a young woman.
Yeah, yeah, I guess so. But I never showed anybody, until now, pull it up.
Pull it up, Zalacuse.
That's amazing, dude.
Not a great, not a bad Monday, you know, just boom, hey, fingering.
I had one, that I didn't, it's not that good, but I had a woman send like six photos in different bikinis. And I was like, what is this? And then she was like, which should I get? And I'm like, the orange one? And then she's like, wait a minute, is this, you know, she was clearly texting her friend.
And I was like, I go, it's not, but I go, the orange one's great.
She was like, oh my God, I go, I'm not saving this. I told her, like, I'm not saving your photos.
Same. Wow. Not bad, not a bad wrong number.
You could say, yes, I mean, but who's doing it manually? Who's just typing in the phone number manually?
The fact that she did, that she fingered her, in like, and actually was like, is this the right number? Is crazy. It's insane of her.
You're like, oh yeah, I'll put this in my ass. This is Jeff, right? No?
I was like, I wasn't responding enough from her clearly. And she was like, what's up? Come on, hit me back or whatever. And I was like, I gotta, now you're yelling at me? So I was just like, I gotta get out of this relationship.
My gut was like, that's a scam. And, and she's gonna be like, meet me here. And it's just a bunch of dudes in a warehouse who like, beat you with a pipe. That's where my head was going.
Oh, interesting.
But.
Yeah, well.
Some of the scams are, like, the real scams are so, so clever now. Like, um.
Like the Tinder swindler, remember that?
Yeah, but people are doing like, um, I know, I know one person who got the, uh, hey, this is like, this is their bank. And it was their bank. And there was, they were reading transactions that are real. So like, hey, were you at the belly? Like, yeah, did you buy a hat at this store?
Okay, you know, like, all the, and then they threw in like $238 at, you know.
At the yarn store. Right. Like, no, that's not me. Oh shit. Okay, so we need to reset. Oh. But it was, they did it, they did it slowly. Yes. You weren't like, you know what I mean? It was like a. The yarn store is a great one. No one's going to the yarn store. That's definitely not, that's not me. And they're like, well, we need to reset all your security stuff. So they, and they had like, they had all his information. So when he finally went to reset, it took him a while. It was like, he figured it out after. So he, he reset his PIN with the person and was like, okay, okay. And then went on with his day. And then like an hour later was like, wait, you don't give your PIN. Oof. To reset. And then when he went, it was all gone. Oh. Cleaned out his account. God.
Another person in New York told me that they, they got the call from somebody who was like, I'm at the police department. And your dad, we got your dad drunk driving. Woo. So he's in the, in the. Drunk tank? Yeah. And they, and he was in, on the west coast. And so he was like, oh shit. So he's like, I'm listening to this person and I'm calling my dad. Hmm. On another phone. And his dad's not answering. So he's like, oh shit. And like, keeps going, keeps going. And but he goes, he goes, it just seemed weird that they were like, yeah, it's just like, you know, he's either gonna be here. Or like, if you send like $300. Right. He'll get out. And they're like, oh. He's like, can I, credit card? They're like, no, no, you gotta wire it.
There's gotta be a payment. But he did it like, again, like not rushed. Yep, yep. And the, the person who I know was like, all right, can I call you back? And he was like, yeah. Wow. Yeah, calls back. Man, what happened to the good old days where you click on a link and it was just that black guy's dick? Yeah. Those were the quaint, nice days. That was like, three months ago. I did that recently. Oh, you did? Yeah, someone sent it to me. And I was like, all right, it's still good. Keep that alive. We started, you started to put together when, cause for me, it was always San Francisco. San Francisco Chronicle, yes. This is gonna be a dick.
You just hit it and you're like, no, yeah, you got me.
It'd be like Trump was assassinated. I'm like, oh my God. I click on him. I'm like, ah, the dick.
You know who must hate that is the San Francisco Chronicle. Where do they stand on all this? Have they put out a statement?
How have they not done a whole?
Seven-page expose. We do not want to be.
Yeah. I got this FedEx scam. I fell for that one.
You fell for it?
Yeah, this FedEx, there was a long text from FedEx with all these numbers in it, so it looked real. And it said, uh, there's a jam at FedEx with your packages. You're not getting them because you owe FedEx 38 cents. That's, you know, been backordered or whatever. You gotta backlog. You gotta go pay that. And I was like, oh shit. And I clicked this link to pay it and I got scammed.
Santino was telling me the other day that he just doesn't have a debit card. Because if you steal someone's debit card, you could just take their money, but you steal the credit card, you.
It's on the, that's true.
Fraud.
It's on the bank. Right. That's smart.
I get it, but.
There's the guy.
Is that the guy?
That's him.
Well, he looks normal there.
Do you know that I found this guy and his whole story?
I've heard this, yes.
Didn't he die?
Do tell.
Yeah, he died. And some of it is cloudy to me now because it's been a few years. But if you look him up and my name.
Oh, really?
Your dick comes up?
My dick, which is surprisingly not impress.
Compared to him.
His cock. So apparently that.
That's probably how he died. It probably took, every time he got hard, it was probably a lot of juice coming from the heart.
Good point.
There's his name.
That blood flow?
So we sold, we sold a shirt during the pandemic that had like his face because he was so viral.
And it said like, wash your hands, right? Because it was like, the big thing was like, always wash your hands. And, and, and we ended up selling this, Tom has lost touch with reality.
That's the next one.
But we ended, oh, there it is.
This one here?
There it is. Yeah, TMZ. Yeah, that was our shirt.
And it, and we sold a fuckload of them.
Wow.
Cause it was like, at the height, right? Yeah, it was like 2020. Like, everything was going nuts. And I forgot, we were like, you know, we're selling so many of these, like, let's, we, we figure out who this guy is.
And then we, we found out, like, oh, this guy had, like, he had, like, he had a family, he had kids and...
And the whole story about, like, that photo was that he was gonna lose his house. And he knew a photographer in San Francisco who did... For the Chronicle, of course. For the Chronicle.
Who was like, "I do front page stories, can I do a page?"
It's a two pager.
He did this for that guy's, like, the guy had a website of, like, muscle-bound dudes, like, naked dudes.
Uh huh.
So the money he, he got from this shoot saved his house at the time. And then, the fucked up part for us was then we were like, "Hey, we sold a bunch of these shirts, we have this money, wanna give it to, like..." And as soon as we contacted family, they started disputing who to send them. They were like, "No, don't send it to him, send it to her." She was like, "Don't send it to that person, send it to this person." And then we were like, "What do we do?" So we ended up, I didn't know, like, who to send it to.
So I was like, "All right, I'm gonna send some to the, like, this person that's the kid, some to the fiance." We just split it up.
We didn't know what to do. What was the cause of death officially? It was his dick.
It was?
I forget what it was. He hung himself with his dick.
Forty-five.
Wiki, man. That is young.
Dickypedia. This is cra- hey, Tom Segura, you're in the wic.
Am I in the wic?
Yeah. Wow, you made it, baby.
That's...
Oh, heart attack.
You haven't lost touch with reality?
Yeah, it's definitely a...
That's forty-five.
That's young. Yeah.
Heart attack, yeah, you're probably gonna have the blood flow.
Did you see what it says in his wiki? Just for what it said on his, like, his summary. It was like, birthdate, age, and then known for wood sitting on a bed.
That's your legacy.
Known as the dick on the bed.
I guess if you're gonna be known for something, having a huge hog is not the end of the world.
It's kinda cool.
Remember the, uh, there was that guy, he's a really good-looking actor. He did a play here in New York a few years ago where there was like a nude, uh, there's a nude thing in the...
Chris Evans was, he had a huge, he got outed as a huge hog.
He's a half-black guy.
Oh, Jesse?
I didn't hear.
And, and somebody took a photo during the theater performance, which like, all of, you know, the theater people were like, super upset about like the...
Unprof, like, all this, and then everybody, yeah, the photo got out, and then everyone was like, I mean...
My limp is...
It's not like the fucking, he was, cause he was also like, you know, that's, that's not the point of like...
Play, but then he was like, yeah, I guess it's not so bad.
That's the photo that gets out, me with water dripping off of my huge cock.
And he shredded.
And a perfect body, like, it was, it wasn't the worst day of my life.
Right, right. And I think a woman would go for that guy over the other guy in a heartbeat.
Cause then that guy'll kill ya on the right. Not in a racial way, I mean, in like a dick way.
Right, they're both black.
Yeah, well, we got a halfy. Yeah.
This is a fun dick talk.
Yeah, we just went down this road, man.
Yeah, it's like a TED talk.
Yeah, he looks so happy there, he looks like a nice guy.
Who?
The big dick guy.
Which one?
The smiley one.
Tom.
Yeah. But it sucks to have to show your dick to save your house, but that's a good sign of a dick. My dick couldn't save my futon.
Taken everything.
What if I... And the bank's like, could I interest you? They're like, please leave. What else you got here?
We'll let you keep the mini fridge, that's about it.
Damn. Well, RIP, Wardy.
So I have actually breaking news.
Oh.
Mazel tov.
Thanks, man. Thank you.
Season two.
Very excited. Yeah, it's so cool that we get to, I cannot believe we get to do it again. We get to do it again.
Hell, yeah.
Was getting it made just like crazy hard? Well, you know, the thing, it wasn't always a, like, I knew I liked these types of like, short story, like where it's like, feels cinematic and it's like, an absurd, crazy story. So when we, we made a few of them in 2022, I, my plan was that I had built such a great thing with the, you know, the live streaming podcasts we do?
So we have such a big, like, a volume of tickets we've sold. So people who have spent money on that, we were like, what if we made something for the first time, like a, like cinematic in nature, like a scripted thing instead of a live podcast?
And sold tickets to that. I was trying to figure out if there's an appetite for that. Like, if you shoot content that's scripted and high production value, can you turn to this audience that's going, we'll pay for a live streaming podcast? Would they pay for it like they would pay to watch a movie or a show?
So that was like, that was the idea. So when we shot that, I had a 36-minute thing and I was like, well, it's not long enough to be a movie. I can't charge like $20 or something, but like, maybe I can get away with like a $10 fee and explain what we're doing. And, and maybe if it's like, successful enough, like, I don't even have, I don't have to like, make money, but if there's something there that we can do another one. That was the whole idea. And when I showed what we had to like, my agents, they go, you gotta shop this. You gotta shop it.
So that's how it ended up at net, like, we showed it to them and then they bought it. But I, like, I also know that if I had just had those scripts and been like, we want to shoot this, they'd have been like, no, this is.
Of course. You gotta make it.
So you had to make it first. And so then, at that point, the process became. Super fun because we had the evidence of like, this is what the show is. We already made an episode. Mm-hmm. And then it was like getting a writer's room going. You know, that part is actually, it's challenging, but so fun. It's like the hardest you laugh. You're like, you're doing, you're doing this all day. Ah. You know what I mean? And then you go like, alright, let's do the Wardy dick one. Yes, yes. Kills him. You know, like you, you agree on one and then somebody goes, I'm gonna take the, take that one and give, write a draft. Yep. And then you go, I'm gonna take this one and you get back together. You're just laughing the whole time.
Then you get into like, the actual production of it, which is like, I think the most fun part is, is the making it. Sure. On set, you're shooting the thing that you've been thinking about and, and that you wrote. And then you find, obviously, that like, the, the real work, work of it is like in post. The editing and all that. Yeah, that's, that's. Comedy, comedy is all about editing. It's crazy. My respect for it has gone up so much more. A, like the editors that we had. And then, and the fact that like our, the other EPs and directors were like seasoned. And like, I would turn in a cut and be like, this is my cut of this story. And they were like, can I?
Wait, so you would edit yourself? No, I, I, like, so I directed three of the stories. Yeah. And then I sat with editors on those cuts. Hmm. And so I would be like, here's a cut. But what the other directors, they go, can I do a pass on yours? You go, yeah. Sometimes they would make it so much better. How, how so would they make it better? Just, uh, choices they make, like what to include, what to take out. They, they might change the pacing, change the music. You know, it might jump off at a certain point. They'll use different takes. So you, it's the great thing about like, if you, if you like someone and you're like, yeah, like I like your sensibilities. And you essentially trust them. You go, you take your stab at it.
And what ends up happening usually is you go like, I love what you did here, but I wanna go back to what, on this part, I wanna go back to the other. And so you, it is, it's like so, it's like the antithesis of stand-up. Cause it's, it's so collaborative, you know? And if you're like. Working with people you like and are talented and everything just gets better. So I felt like, you know, every stage of it has these parts that are fun and exciting. But I think the real payoff, if you will, of like, the part that kind of like hits you the most is how much the edit is where everything lives.
Yeah, yeah.
Even like the other part of it too, is you have moments where you're shooting and you're like, you might improvise something. And we just die.
Oh, that's the best.
And so you go like, dude, we have that now.
The weird thing is how sometimes you're in the edit and you're watching it and you're like, we can't use that. And you're like, why not? And you're like, because it's not, it's actually, in the moment, we were all laughing.
But it's not moving the story along. It's actually like, if we keep it in, it's kind of like a distraction from like, the pace of the story we're telling.
And so you find things sometimes where you have to like, kill the, like what you think is like the funniest line.
Like, we're gonna have to use, now we have to have her come in because the joke was about when she came in. Well, when she comes in.
Yep.
We gotta go back to the shot that's over here. And when we do that, we lose the fact that the guy was sitting here. And so like, it starts to be like, you're doing like 20 things to get a line in.
Right, right, right.
Yeah, we gotta.
Also, don't you find like, sometimes like, the shit that makes me laugh the hardest is the most juvenile? And it's like, and it's like, it doesn't work. Like, the farts or dumb things like that. That's what gets me like, like surprised, you know?
And then you watch, you're like, that's fucking lowbrow. I don't want to do that.
Dude, you just described my series.
I was just thinking that. Have you seen the show?
You know what I mean? Where like, sometimes you're just like, this is not, this.
Yeah, of course.
Yeah. Riffing with someone also too, it's like, especially if it's like your friend.
It's different.
Of course.
Yeah, it's different.
But like a South Park, it's all low, it's not lowbrow, but it's all juvenile.
Oh dude, I watched the South Park. I watched the South Park before bed last night, where Randy takes the biggest shit.
There you go.
With Bono. It's like the most purposely lowbrow thing.
Where they take the Emmy and they shove it in the shit at the end. It's like, fuck you to the Emmy. It's one of the funniest episodes, but it's, yeah, it's like, look. I love lowbrow too. I'm not saying I don't.
It's smart lowbrow as well. They know what they're doing.
Yeah, I mean, that's like.
Same with this show.
I think we try to go like, yeah, it's not just shit.
Like you try to do like a story that is.
There it is. I mean, that's funny.
Oh dude.
That's very funny.
And the fact that Bono is the one who's competing, I mean, it's insane. It's so stupid.
Oh yeah. Now, what's, first of all, I'm gonna use that. Every movie I've been in, I've been cut out. So I'm just gonna assume I had the best line that didn't make sense.
No. But what's great about your show, and I think it could open doors, not to get dramatic, but you have that episode with the hot foreign guy who bangs all the old people.
Not to give anything away.
But that would have been a notes disaster. Like the producers like, this is a little harsh. We gotta tone that down and this is ridiculous and the accent might be kinda racist. There's no notes and you can feel it and that's what I love about the show.
That part dude was like, it's the most exciting thing about that was when, when we were starting. Once they bought the show based on a couple that they'd seen, they told us, they were like, you should try to go too far.
Oh, I love that.
And then we'll, we'll tell you when it's too far.
Okay.
That's great.
So that was like your assignment and everything that we would submit, they were like, yeah. I mean, we had, we have some that didn't make it in.
What didn't make it?
Oh, well, now we're doing season two, so maybe we'll try.
Get them in there.
But the one that we were like, I was trying to get in this, these parents who they bust their,
their adult son who has downs, the daughter, the daughter, the mother busts him jerking off in his room like to porn.
And when they go to talk to him about it, he's like, I wasn't watching porn. I was on camera like for, for my audience. And they're like, oh my God. And she's like, you're being exploited. And this whole story turns into him.
Showing her that he, he actually has like hundreds of thousands of dollars. They think they're gonna lose the house.
Oh, beautiful.
And it then, they end up, um, he ends up taking them to where like, he, like a place like this where he's like, he has other people.
Same story.
Yeah. Doing, doing the same thing. And he ends up, um, buying the house from behind their back and tosses them out. He throws his parents out of the house, right?
Oh, that's funny.
The whole thing. Um, they didn't shut it. They were just like, they would ask for like different angles. The only thing that they were like, can't do this, is, um, say the N-word.
Interesting.
They were like, you can't do that. Um.
A black guy can do it, but you can't do it.
Right. And I, I, um, in the, in the one that's in the show, it's supposed to be, um, Nick Novicki, a little.
Who's quoting me.
From a joke, but I'm quoting someone from that. I'm like, yeah, but we're quoting, they were like, not happening.
And they even told us that you can't say it on set, even if you're not gonna use it. Like you.
Do not say that. Yeah.
Didn't a Netflix guy get fired?
So then maybe it's something with that. Like at High Up was like, we can't say, and he said the word and they were, they fired him. And he's like, I'm saying we can't say it.
Well, he proved his point.
I guess so, yeah.
He's like, fuck, I'm disappearing. It's like Avengers.
Yeah, like Back to the Future, Polaroid. But don't you feel, I've pitched shit, we've all pitched stuff in a room in Hollywood and gotten, there he is. Apparently he was saying, don't use it. That's the crazy part.
He was, and the crazy part is he was actually referencing something that happened to me.
What the fuck?
And you know what's crazy? He brought Nick Novickian as a prop.
That is, that is true. So he was, he was, they were having a, a meeting because.
What? This is crazy.
Yeah, I had done a special, uh, disgraceful.
In that special, there were, there was a joke about the R-word. And I had this bit about it.
Yeah, I remember that.
And so a bunch of people got mad about that bit. And then eventually, uh, the, uh, what's it called? Special Olympics.
Ah.
Fucking reached out to the CEO.
Oh, my God.
Damn. And then they were like.
They're like, we got a lot of retards here.
It was a whole thing.
This is harmful.
It was a whole thing. And then I, I had to go meet with the Special Olympics.
This is crazy.
And he had to go say the N-word to them.
Makes a rough.
Didn't make any sense. This guy who got fired was talking to staff about how people who have special needs children will feel a certain way, like when Tom said retarded.
Uh, the same way that a black person might feel when they hear.
He said it like as that's the example.
And people were like, hey, what the fuck?
That's kinda crazy.
So they, they reported him. So when he went and he had a follow-up meeting about that incident, they ended up bringing in the people who had reported him. Like who was, like the black people who were uncomfortable. And he used the same example. He was like, I was just saying.
When you hear. And so then they were like, we gotta.
They got a movie being made about this with Michael Richards. I don't know if you've heard that.
But it was a really, that was a really cra- that was also like.
That was the height of it.
That was the height of like, I think.
BLM and COVID and G2.
Because after my spec- for a while there, they were like, you can't, like comedians can't say retarded either.
I remember that.
Yeah. And then now they're like, yeah, retarded up again. It's fine.
It's back. Like, you can say it. And you're like, alright.
Pissed me off. I did it.
Still no N-word?
No, that one's out.
That one's out.
I did a Netflix half hour and they were like, I was like, and he restricted, they just said no R-word and no N-word, obviously. And I was like.
As if we're all equal weight.
I know. But I was like, okay. I had a joke with retarded in it, but I was like, alright, I'll change it. Cause I wanna do the, the half hour. And then Brian Simpson. Friend of the show, pal. Yeah. He said both. And I was like, I went up to the producer, I'm like, well, I get the N-word thing, but he's saying the R-word. And they went, ah. And I was like, ah, that's fair. I get it. They get a couple of things in this world that we don't get, you know? Then I went on a rant about black privilege and I got tased.
Mark, what was the comedian's joke about the midget versus the N-word?
Stan Hope had one.
Was it Stan Hope? The lady I think had one too.
I had one. That's one, mine was like, in 2010.
So I did it on my first album. And then I also did it on my Comedy Central Presents, which is so funny because back then Comedy Central was like, you know, the standards and practices.
Yep, yep.
So that's a different thing. And they sent an email. I gotta find this email.
And they're like, when you say that Indian people smell bad, it is something that, like, they have a logic thing. They're like, you cannot like, say that because it implies that like, there, something is like beyond their control. You know, like something like that.
Russell Peters is like, that's my whole act. I'm finished.
I go, okay. And then the email continues, you can however, say that Puerto Ricans stab a lot.
Because they're citing your jokes.
It's like in a very professional.
That's hilarious.
So it's like, and then they were like, and then one of it was like, okay to say, and it had the N-word typed out. I was like, this is crazy.
Wow, that was okay.
That was okay.
Man, that's what's so weird about these, there's, they, with different times, they flip and flop.
Remember Jeff only got that note back in the day where.
Is this mine, by the way?
Yes, yes.
Yeah, he did, he did a Fallon set and the joke was something about Asians and the punchline was laundromat. And they were like, that's offensive. So we changed it to build a railroad and that was okay?
Wow. Laundromat is positive. They're starting businesses, you know?
Well, railroads are positive too, I guess, but.
Ah, they were.
They're like, oh, they haven't done that in a while. That's okay.
I guess that is comedy is plus time, right?
I guess so.
The, also there's this thing about like, you know, how accurate you're, like, if you're doing something that can be perceived as negative, like Angela Johnson, I remember had.
Yes, the nail salon bit.
Dude, that bit was like beloved.
Crazy viral.
But she, she nailed.
Pull that up.
The accent?
And she nailed the actual context of like, what would be said?
You know what I mean? So if you watch it, you're like, oh, you could, somebody could hyperreact in the moment. Like, you shouldn't be able to, but then if you watch it, you're like, yeah, but she's nailing all the things.
It's completely accurate. It's almost like a documentary.
But she got shit later on.
Later, right?
Which is so funny, because it shows there was a shift.
This bit was probably reposted.
On, uh, 500 accounts. And all of them were like in the millions and millions of views.
Pull up how many views. Go scroll down a little bit. Forty-six million. That's insane. Oh, you don't have to play it. But yeah, that bit took over. It changed her whole life. I think that was at the old Gotham. That's 18 years ago. Oh, yeah. That's like when YouTube first started. Yeah, she was been Nate used to Nate Bargatze used to open for her.
Fun fact.
He's doing all right now.
Yeah, I guess it's like the rules are not written in stone anywhere. So you don't, when you do something like that, people are like, all right, well, what's the, I'm not bothered by it.
I know, I know.
Well, I, it's not the exact same thing, but I remember I, I did a bit about the first 48, the TV.
I did this bit like, fuck, it's gotta be like close to 15 years ago. That show is still on, by the way. I just hung out with the producers and the entire Tulsa homicide detective squad.
For the show there, because they filmed there and it was, it was amazing. These, they, they're the best. But when that show was like exploding, I, I came up with the, I did this bit about it. It was kind of a long bit about all the, you know, the, basically the parts of the, of a, of an episode. And like the stages it goes through. And throughout it, I'm basically being like, yeah, all the suspects are black.
Without saying that, but I'm doing like, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm citing like, um, how the interviews like, uh, you know, I, I actually forget how it goes. But like how the, you know, I, I don't, I don't know like knucklehead or whatever his name was, you know, um, dookie shoes.
Like that. I don't know dookie shoes. I've seen him, but I don't know him, like all that.
And I was like doing all these and I realized that I toured with that bit for like two and a half years, right?
Until I recorded it.
So many shows. And it had like all this me doing like this essentially like a black impression and like specific things. All I ever got from black people was like just heaps of praise.
They would come up to me, they're like, that's the funniest shit, like high fives and like just all and then the only time I ever had people shake their head was like white.
Of course, of course.
You know, in the front row, just like, this isn't right.
But I was like, the reason, but the reason that it worked with a black audience was because the, of the fact that like the detail.
He was accurate.
Was accurate.
Exactly.
It wasn't lazy. It wasn't lazy, it wasn't a lazy bit, yeah.
And it wasn't really hurtful, you were just chronicling what was on the show, you were just saying, you know, this is what it was.
Yeah, they even told me, because the big like thing at the, at the end of that bit, I think, was that I say something about how you think you can talk your way out of like the, the interrogation. I was like, nobody lawyers the fuck up, right? Like if you, if you watch the show, you'll see like 300 people get like charged and they're like, and he went away, and then there's the one guy who's like lawyer, and then it says like, no charges, or all charges against Tayshon were dropped.
That was like the last thing. These detectives to this day, they're like, every single time some fucking guys in here, and they go lawyer, we go fuck, and then we walk out and they're like, he fucking watched the Gurus thing, like.
Oh, you're saving lives.
Yeah, the guilty life.
Yeah, guilty lives, yeah, you're Johnny Cochran.
It's great, it's great.
Holy shit.
I've never seen the show, but I.
That's amazing.
But I know what it is, clearly. Oh my god, because at this point, it's like, literally is, I think 20, 20 seasons of the show.
And they've been into, you know, it's, it comes and goes from different cities, but fascinating thing that.
Oh, twenty eight.
Twenty eight.
But I think that's only since two thousand four.
Right, okay.
They maybe run two seasons a year or something.
So, last year, like Tulsa's actually not, it's not a huge city, you know, but it's like several hundred thousand people. They had a hundred percent conviction rate on homicides.
It's, that's bananas.
That sounds crooked.
What's that?
It almost sounds crooked.
Yeah, yeah, like, there was, you know, fifty two murders, they fucking closed all fifty two.
Which is really nuts, man. Like, if you look at the can, the, the close rate on some other state, like New Orleans, it ain't fucking a hundred percent, dude.
Oh, it's in the negative.
Yeah, it's, it's, yeah. There's like, it's really, really rare, man, that they, so that's like, yeah, solve rate.
I'm here.
Remember that, remember that?
That's nuts, dude.
That's nuts.
Homicide Hunter, Lieutenant Joe Kenda, you ever see that?
Oh, yeah, the big guy.
Look up that guy, Lieutenant Joe Kenda.
He was fun.
Well, his whole thing was like, he had like four hundred and something, uh, arrests.
Or convictions or whatever, which is not fucking possible.
Wow. Oh, yeah, this guy's had, like, uh, TV shows and shit.
Yeah, Homicide Hunter.
But he, but yeah, they got like a really, they got a real honk to play him when he was younger.
Yeah, but they, yeah, they, I mean, look, it is, he's clearly seen some shit and done some amazing stuff, but it is, it is hilarious that that's your second chapter. After just putting dudes away, who are just like, he's just, he's, he's cocky as fuck.
He looks in the camera, he has catchphrases.
He says shit like, my oh my.
Oh, fuck.
He's got merch, I mean, at some point, like, he's kind of like, other cops are probably like, this guy's a fucking cruise ship act at this point.
But, uh.
Dude, you gotta wa, you gotta watch, um, First Forty Eight.
Oh, it's great. It's so entertaining, and it's so real.
Yeah, it's the realest thing. It's, I remember that, like, in the bit I make, what is it? Oh, shit, dude.
Ninety one.
That's really impressive.
We're pretty corrupt as well, by the way. That's like our thing.
Oh, I like the, the corrupt point that you just made, it says like, New Orleans Police, PD claims ninety one, however, a watchdog group indicates it's sixty five.
Wow. They're like, they're lying. Yeah. That shit. Wow, who's the watchdog group? That's who I want to hear about.
They got like probably a CCRB type thing, right?
Like civilian complaint review board type?
Where they, yeah, man, that's gotta be an exhausting job.
Just dealing with corrupt cops.
Just fucking stop lying to me.
I know, because then they'll arrest your ass. By the way, you got a couple of black cents. You got a Big Daddy Kane.
The bike, you got, you got some stuff.
Kane, that was such a surreal day because what I remember was the special came out and it's 2014.
Hmm.
That first special. And honestly, you know, every time, how, when everything comes out, especially when you're young or younger, you're like, will this be a, a thing that like helps me? Like changes my career? And then, you know, weeks go by, a month, and you're like, oh, everything's the same.
You know what I mean? Like, everything's the same, because everything felt the same. And then I lived in this like back house in Redondo Beach, which was like a dead, dead spot for my cell signal.
So sometimes I would leave the house and then it would just be like.
So I, I'd been in the house, special had been out like a month. I, I back out and my phone just goes boop. And then I, I hit play and it just goes, sup, Tom, Big Daddy Kane? And I was like, what? Like, I could, he's like, I'm at your boy Russell's house right now, you know? Checked out the thing, it's very, like, he gives me like this really compliment, big compliment.
And I'm like, this is fucking nuts. Like, it felt like that was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me.
And then, uh, there was Russell, he was at Russell Peters' house.
Russell is like, um.
A hip hop head.
Yeah, but he's also like the black whisperer.
He knows every black person that you've ever wanted to meet and.
Not P Diddy.
He doesn't know him.
Um, but he was just like, he's like, hey, um, are you around right now? I go, yeah. He goes, well, he's at my house right now. He's like, do you want to come meet him? Brrrr. Yeah, I do.
I fucking drove over and.
That's cool. Then I'm just like, then I don't know what to say. I was like, hi, hi, Big Daddy.
Your bits get you all these connections. My bit, people just yell at me and tell me I'm a hack. Like, no one's ever reached out and been like, "We gotta hang out. You did that bit about the..."
You've been, no one's ever hit you up like, "We should..."
Not really. My bits are mostly about me, or my wife, or my kid, I guess. So, no one's ever like, like, Dan Marino's not like, "Hey, come on over," you know?
Yeah, who's another person who called you, like, randomly? You were like, "What the fuck?"
Like, you're hanging out with Brad Pitt, you're hanging out with, uh...
Brad Pitt was nuts. That was nuts. And then I had that streak of, of really, like, um, incredible, once again, black seatmates on flights.
For like a stretch.
I had Method Man.
Jeez.
Jill Scott.
Serena Williams.
Like, sat.
That's crazy.
Coast to coast.
And I'm just like, literally, like, because you think, you know, I'm usually pretty chill with, like, notable people, but like, the Serena thing, I was like...
What do I do?
Yeah, you're like, you feel like you're looking at like a Madame Tussauds.
Fucking famous.
So crazy. And then she's like, she's taking notes.
Soul plane.
I was like, "What are you..."
Is that where you're flying?
Yeah, that's where I was flying.
Hilarious.
I go, "What are you doing?" And she's like, "I'm taking a, this class," you know? "I'm taking a class online for whatever subject." And I was like, "Oh, cool." And she ends up being like, you know, "What do you do?" And I go, "Comedian." And she's like, "Really?" I go, "Yeah." And I, she's like, "Do you have a special?" And I realized that I go, I go, "Yeah, actually, I have one." It was, I had the one out. I was like, "It's, uh, on Netflix." "Oh, what's it called?" And she, I see her write it down on her sticky note. And then I was like, "Yeah, you know, we chat." She's super pleasant. And at the end, I feel so goofy doing it, but I was like, "Can I have a photo?"
I take a photo. Like, you know, you still feel like...
"Asshole, I have a selfie?" And, and then I'm walking off the jet bridge, and I literally, like, I must've turned white. I just go, and I have like, like, sweat, like, cold sweat. I'm like, "Oh, my God." Because in, internally, I realized that I, I told her, "Watch this special."
And then it hits me that in the special, I, I talk about some fantasy where I go, where it's the Williams sisters and Serena's sitting on my face and Venus is putting a racket up my ass. Oh. And I say, I say that in the special and I'm like, oh, she, like, if she does watch that, she's gonna be like, this is why this creep told me to watch it. And I was like, this definitely was not my intention. Oh, that's hilarious. Serena, if you're watching. No, here's the, the part two of this. Okay. A few years ago. It came true? I get, I get invited to do Pete's 9/11 fundraiser. Pete Davidson. Pete Davidson. And you go there and it's like crazy, right?
It's, uh, it's, it's him, Jon Stewart's hosting. Wow. You know, all these people show up, Chris Rock's there and, you know, just huge, huge names. Mm-hmm. And, you know, you do your set and I had a good set. I felt good. And Pete like lights up a joint in like the hallway of MSG. Right at MSG? Yeah. And I'm like, you just do that? There's just lights on fire. He just, he hands me a joint. Yeah. I'm like, okay. So I, I hit it a few times. And then I'm walking, there's like a big, there's a, there's a after event at MSG. Mm-hmm. And as I'm walking towards, they're like, it's this back tunnel. It's Serena and her husband, Alex, the, um, the Reddit founder.
The white guy, yeah. Oh, he founded Reddit? Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. So I go, I'm, mind you, I'm high as shit. Yeah. And I'm like, hey. And I was like, hey, I was just, I'm like, I was just up there. And, and she's, and they're like, he's very expressed, like very, he's like, oh, great job, great job. She's like, hi. And I go, you know, it's, um, funny, I, uh, flew with you like 10 years ago to Serena. Yeah, yeah. She's like, okay. I goes, it's kind of a funny story. And, and she's like, okay. And he goes, I wanna hear it. Ah. And I lay out. Cut you getting removed by security.
I lay out the whole thing that I just told you. Yeah. And the, I'm not exaggerating, the whole time she's like.
Oh, no.
I just wanna, and I know how high I am. And so I start to get more paranoid.
He's ear to ear.
Oh, that's good.
He's like, "Yeah." And I was like, and then, so I realized I was, cuz I said, should've said it on my face. And then she's like, "Where's, do you know where the bar is?"
And I go, "I think it's..." It's over here. I just walked away. I was like, "What the fuck did I just do?"
Game, set, match.
Damn, that's cra- you'd think she'd have a sense. It was positive. You're not like, she's ugly or, you know, whatever.
Fuck, I think she was probably like, I can't imagine the amount of times that...
It's just funny to explain to a famous woman, "And then I said, 'You said on my face.'"
And you're like, "Nothing?" Yeah. Nothing on there?
Cuz, also cuz, you know, you have a pretty crazy ass. I don't know.
Right, right. Damn. Wow, full circle.
Yeah, but then you also don't know, like, people that famous, you're like, maybe she's just like, "I don't, whatever."
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Yeah, that's it. Look at that. That see on your face might kill you, though.
Suffocation.
It'll be a lovely death.
That's true. Can I just say, go back to the show for a second. Back to the new Netflix series. Don't you feel like, like, we've all pitched stuff. We've all, bad thoughts. We've all been rejected, turned down for a million things. I know I have. And every time they go, "That's a little much," or "We're not ready for this," or whatever, I go, "But the little much is the good part." That's what you should be going for. But they're all like, "I don't know. It's a little outside the box and avant-garde," or whatever, "A little offensive, little too much." But too much is good. Like, that's what every, like, Squid Game. What if they were like, "It's a little violent. I don't know." You know, that's the biggest show ever, you know?
So I just, just a note, I'm just venting now, but a note to the coward suits out there.
It's worse than that now. Now they don't even make, like, almost anything. To get anything made now, I mean, these jobs are replaced within like eight months half the time.
That's true.
We brought shows back to Amazon and Hulu, and the people we were talking to were just new people. They just, they Squid Games their fucking development people.
I mean, it's crazy.
It's very common.
Yeah. So I think they're just terrified to make anything. I mean, it's, so when you made this, I guess for people listening who are like, "I want to make a show," proof of concept is really the key, right?
I mean, here's the thing, like, can something be written that definitely gets across what your show is and have, have it be clear to the reader? I think, yes, that is definitely possible. Is, is the percentage chance of that so much higher if you have a proof of concept? I think without question that when you, when you shoot what you are trying to do on a bigger scale, when you show what it is, it becomes like... There is nowhere else, it is at that point, the yes or no is so much more clear, I think.
Like, I think the, you know, probably the most famous example in like, in like, our world of that is probably like, the Sonny guys. Cause that was, the story always is that they shot this own, their own thing.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Yeah, so they, they shot that before it was a show, like, in other, in other words, to show it.
This is like the banter, these are the characters, this is the dynamic, this is the whole thing, and so they had like, something to show, and you think about that show and you go, does that come across if you had just handed it in a script?
Definitely not, definitely not.
You know, I don't think you can. So, the, the upside to that being the thing, cause, see, there's always a, there's always a reason to turn down production. Like, if somebody, if I go, you, do you wanna shoot this thing? And you're like, fuck, man, schedule wise, the costs, the time, I have this, like, you can always talk your way out, right?
But, if you're somebody who goes, you know what, we're gonna, I know there's always a reason to not to, we're gonna shoot it anyway, because not only is it gonna highlight what we're trying to do, like, even if it's a scene from our movie, we just wanna shoot one scene, but it's so accessible to do now. Like, you, you don't have to have millions of dollars
to shoot that scene.
True.
You just need like, you know, you can get, you can rent a good camera, you could hire a, a qualified DP or lighting director, somebody for sound, people that like, are in this business that they love doing that too.
And it's not gonna be like some, you could tell them, you're like, I don't have a crazy budget, but I do have this, you know?
Something. And people will give you their best. Actors, actors love to act. You can gra, you can get great actors. So you can shoot the thing that you wanna shoot, it's just a matter of like, is your decision to do it or not, right? Because there's really no excuse other than that. You can get it done for a reasonable amount, you can definitely get it to a good editor to, to cut it for you, but, you know, I think you're always gonna improve your chances, whatever your goal is, if you shoot something.
But do you think it's more that these people are so unimaginative that they can't see it, or do you think it's also that like, they're like, holy shit, this person gets stuff done?
It's both, it's both. So, that's a really good observation, the, the second part of it especially. Look, sometime, sometimes you luck out and you get real, the truth is, all of us joke about it. Sometimes you get great executives, you really do. People who you're like, man, this person is just phenomenal. Their, their notes are actually, I'm glad I have their notes. They just made it so much better, right? So, there are those things, there's definitely the other side of it where they have zero vision of anything. And you need to really spell it out for them. But the big thing is that what you're saying is, somebody who does that, that instills confidence in people who are making decisions.
Because what they're really doing is they're investing in you as the person.
You think it's like, oh, this line and that line and this shot. And they're like, no, there, it's the fact that we're investing, you know, 15 million dollars on this thing.
Are you capable?
Who's the person like, oh, it's you guys and you turn in this stuff?
Oh, we feel, we feel a lot better about this decision. Cause ultimately, what's gonna happen is that person is gonna report to another guy and go, who the fuck did you give 15 million dollars?
And it's gonna be like, well, they did this.
And if they did this and they go, shit, that looks pretty goddamn good.
Yeah, it's gonna make them be like, well, this is, these are people that are capable.
Ultimately, their job.
It's their job.
That's why they make a lot of fear-based decisions.
You make fear-based decisions because...
Avengers 19.
That works.
That's a safe choice.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying, yeah, it saves their job. But, no, I think you're right, like Ari, he pitched, this is not happening, years ago. And they were like, who's this ugly guy? He's over the hill, he's old, he's gross.
Let's look up his other stuff, The Amazing Race.
Yeah, exactly. Not to mention his stand-up, but...
Do you think in his head, he thinks he looks like that?
Nah, probably, yeah.
He looks, I think he's, looks better now than then, for sure.
I do too, that's true.
He's aged into it, for sure.
He's aged well.
He looks, for his age, looks great.
Yeah, yeah, you're right, he doesn't look bad. And he drinks and does drugs and stuff.
Lots.
Oh my god, he left my, hilarious, he left my place the other night. I had people over for, for one of those Knicks games and, uh... And we just got all, we all getting hammered, but he left with my friend, who's this bartender at the cellar. They, and I, you know, before we're drinking, Ari and I take like pre hangover shots, we're like, I said, this will help if, you know.
Yeah. And he texts me the next day, like 2:00 PM, he's like, the hangover shot did nothing. I'm like, yeah, well, you left and kept drinking. You drank all night, you fucking idiot. I stopped at like 6:00, you had like 14 or something.
Dude, I saw him last week. He had a T-shirt on that said, Stan, New York Comedy Club, Comedy Cellar. Uh, and it was like three, six clubs on his shirt. And I was like, what are you, what is this? And they had X's on him. And he goes, I'm doing a, a pub crawl with Sal Volcano. And I'm X-ing off, I'm getting drunk at every, every comedy club and doing sets. And I got three more to go. And he was already fucked up. So that's what, that's who he is. He's fun. For a 68-year-old man, he really lives.
Yeah, we have fun.
But my point is, he was, uh, he pitched it, they said, no, he put it on YouTube, it blew up, and then they bought it.
It's, I mean.
Tires, you know, your show, you know, whatever.
Concept is really, yeah, I mean, with your show, it's harder because it looks the way it looks. I mean.
Sorry.
You know, it looks the way it looks and, you know, tires is like a workplace thing. It's a different thing.
It's a different thing completely. I mean, with our, like, I'll say this. I say that you don't have to spend a lot because you don't. I did spend a lot to do those proof of concept ones. Simply because for me, the, the idea of it was for it to be this high level. That was part of the show.
It's very good quality.
Characters of the show is like the fact that it should look like cinematic.
So, yeah, that's, uh, Nico Wiesnet was our, our DP, who's like a brilliant guy. And, you know, that's why it looks great, right? You can still have things look good, I'm saying, without spending a lot. We did spend a lot when we made the proof of concept. Because it was honestly like, it was like, I had to pay for everything. I was.
Doing it to be like, I want it to look like this, you know?
On a scale of one to 10, how nervous were you? Especially, you spend all the money, you went, you went high budget.
That's even more nerve wracking that you might not sell it.
I was, so.
Or were you pretty confident?
I was confident that, what I was confident was in that if I did the online thing, I was like, okay. If I do that, because that was always the plan.
The paywall.
I, I didn't think that I was gonna make money. What I thought was that I was going to erase a lot of losses.
Like, maybe I'll lose some, but not all.
That, to me, was enough.
Oh, alright.
Because I was-
Isn't that incredible that comics had that? Because I look at like, look at Megalopolis, you know, with Francis Ford Coppola. He spent 120 mil of his own money. Like, I'm not saying a paywall would have helped.
But like, you know, comics kind of have that option more than just pure filmmakers.
I think you're, yeah.
Good point, yeah.
Which is weird.
Which is like, this, this whole thing is so important because you actually, you do have a direct-to-consumer relationship.
Like, you know, your, your fans are like, here with you every week and if they like you, they trust you, and they, like, they want to support you. It's like, they'll go on this ride if you, if you do something like that.
Also, 120 mil's a lot.
That's a lot.
He did so, he did that and like, I think he sold his like, winery and all this shit. And then like, Costner, apparently, he's made this, he's making this epic, American, western trilogy.
I saw the first one.
I think he-
Horizon?
Was it good?
Yeah, it was really well done.
Yeah, I think he's, they, like, he leveraged his, whatever Santa Barbara is-
You know, to pay for it.
I respect it, I mean, I respect that.
I do too, I totally do.
But it also is like-
It's too long, but it, it looks amazing and it's, it's got like a Dances with Wolves kind of western vibe. It's fun. If you like westerns, you'll like it. But-
He loves that shit.
He loves that.
Coppola always lived dangerously though. I don't know if you ever saw the Apocalypse Now documentary?
I mean, he just lived fucking, like, crazy. Even then, he was like, shit, we're over budget, I'll have to make up the rest of the, and so he always lived that way.
Yeah, yeah, but he pulled it off then.
Now that Megalopolis-
Did you watch it?
No, I, I should watch it.
Did you? No, I did not.
Damn. Sucks to go down like, in your golden years, you're like, fading out as a filmmaker.
But maybe he feels alright, I mean, you know, he, he made the thing he wanted to make.
And he's got such a fucking incredible resume. Like, he's still made some of the best movies ever, you know?
100%.
I wondered too, if they're like, maybe, you know, it not being a success at that stage in your life. Doesn't really affect you the same way either. You know what I mean?
Yeah, maybe.
Like, you've been through so much of life, not just career. And you go, yeah, but I made what I wanted to make. Like, what if you're very satisfied by that?
Yeah, yeah, maybe. I mean-
I would love to talk, I would love to have him on the pod.
That'd be great.
It'd just be so interesting, I feel like.
Yeah. Well, it's like Norm. Norm, you know, obviously gambling addict. He lost like all of his money, like, in the last couple of years. And he was like, eh, I get to start over. And like, he said he felt kind of free.
That's insane.
But that just shows what a disease it is.
Yeah, he's an animal.
You lose that kind of money and you're like, oh, good.
Yeah, yes, yes.
That's fucking insane.
Yeah, he had a problem.
Yeah, I'm glad it's not gambling.
Oh, we're so lucky we're not gambling, guys.
Like, I've just like, I just don't have it. I, I respect it. I, I like, um, I like going to a casino. It's fun. Like, if, if we go to a casino and hit the tables, I'm like-
It's fun, it's a good time. I never get into like, hey, can I get like 250 grand?
No, no.
It just never occurs to me.
But winning doesn't feel as good to me as losing feels bad.
It does, they both feel awful.
I find that I get this real, like, what you, for it to be like something, you have to have the heart rate move, you know, somewhat.
And so for me, like, I don't know, man, if I lose like, anything north of $500 on something, I do, I just start to go like, like, it's like, I know it's not gonna destroy my life, but it starts to just, and if it, if I win, like, if I win like $1,000, I'll be like, fuck, like, so I'm just lucky that it's happening there.
For some people, they're like, oh, it's gotta be 25 grand. You're like, get the fuck-
No way.
And now it's on your phone. You got all that fucking phone gambling.
I started to lose some, I was doing real well, up money during the season for FanDuel. Once the Knicks are in the playoffs and I'm getting drunk and we're down 20.
I'm like, fuck it, we're coming back. I just put big bets on the comeback.
That's what they count on.
Plus 2,000? We're new.
It's brutal, man. I, yeah, I kept doing it.
I can't imagine that, I've only done it, I, once or twice when I was at a sportsbook. Like hitting a parlay has got to be. Oh, yeah.
Good.
It's got, it's got.
That one feels pretty good.
You've done it?
Yeah, I've, I've done it where like, I won't do, I'll do a bunch. So I won't do, I'll do like 50 bucks.
Bet, but I'll do like seven like parlays. And when you hit them, you feel great.
Oh, it's got to be amazing. Yeah.
I just do a lot of like not super crazy ones. So then it just keeps raising and all of a sudden you're like plus 900.
It's like stock. Like, have you, have you like ever listened to like Dana White's gambling stories? Yeah, I've, I've heard a couple of blackjack things. Dude, we, we podcasted with him and I was like, I gotta, gotta talk to you about this. So he was like, is well known for being just this insane blackjack. Yeah. Right? Really good at it? Well, so he had like, he's had like crazy runs. And he's also betting, you know, depending on the table, three, 400,000 a hand, right?
So, so he told me about this, I mean, he says on the podcast, so I feel like I can say this, that he had a streak once where he, he won. He was walking away with like a million up a night for like something like 18 or 20. Jesus Christ. In a row, right? And he also has incre, for somebody doing it at this level, like incredibly disciplined in that he goes, if I go in and I bet, you know, a few hundred grand and I, I win two, three hands, I leave. Yeah. For him, it's the, it's the thrill of winning. Yes. Right? He's a, he's an outlier, like a high, high crazy achiever, right? That's a sane gambler.
And he, so now he's told me he's switched to back rat. Jesus Christ. And maybe that's the, the one that, uh, the reference, maybe it wasn't black. 23 million? What the hell? So, but then he told me, he goes, I, and then on the last night, I was supposed to go on a vacation. I was at, back at this club and I, I lost five million that night. Five million. And then he was like, I went on vacation. That's all I could fucking think of. Got back, I was like, I'm gonna get these motherfuckers when I get back. And then he got back and he, he won a couple million and like, so it's like, but it's at that level is what, what motivates him. Yeah. He was talking about being.
Down and like playing through the night like there at 11pm and then at 10am he's like I gotta go to this meeting. Wow. Like stayed because he had gone down and then he was I love when they by the when the blackjack people like fighting your way back just grinding it out you know digging in you're like digging in. You mean saying hit me again? Yeah it's like it's so crazy to think of it as like it's just fighting man just fighting not giving up. And they got back to like close and then he had to go do his meeting. Oh my god. And then some of his friends played for him. Wow. And won money and paid paid the rest like it was it's just like. That's movie shit. It's real movie shit and it's just like.
That feels like a miserable way to be rich. But they're on they're on edge they love it jacked up. Yeah cuz. I know but if they had that kind of money they would just like enjoy it. Oh completely I'm with you. It's the uh the idea to him that I was like I think this is because you're so used to like bit like these big wins of they're like you know the arena sold out. Hmm. This is the gate we sold this many pay per views it was like I was like. So pay a woman to piss on you. When you. When you leave here you're you just need another you it's all about getting another hit. Yeah. Win he's like it's exactly what it is. Well I mean the biggest gamble was UFC that was like in the shitter no one liked it no one cared about it. They bought it for 2 million. Wow. 2.2 million something like that. Crazy.
What they bought the UFC for and then they sold it for I think 4.4 billion. Wow. Yeah. That's where you see all these basketball teams they got like the guy who just sold the Celtics made I think he bought it for like 300 and sold it for 4 bill or something like. Yeah. Maybe more something crazy. Or like when you look at the details of what Jordan's deal was. What wait what was his deal? So when he bought the Hornets. Oh I thought you were talking about the shoes but yeah I mean. Well yeah but the Hornets thing was crazy is like. You see the purchase price when he bought it, let's say it was, I think it was like 285 or something. The Charlotte Hornets.
So, when he bought that, how much was it bought? 275.
Pretty good.
Close.
So when he buys that, you, you think in your head, you're like, well, it's Michael Jordan, he can afford.
275. Dude, all he paid was a down payment amount? And then, um, he just paid, uh, month, debt payments. So he, he, in other words, he borrowed, let's say, 250 million?
Paid, like, a loan debt payment.
And then when he sold it for 3 billion, he just paid, like, he never actually parked it.
You know what I mean? Just used the bank, I guess. Yeah, he just used the bank to, to own it, yeah.
That guy's good.
He's good.
That's a pretty crazy way, you're like, yeah, I'm, I'm good for it, I'll just, I'll make you these debt payments.
And then when I sell it, just clean that out and keep a couple billion dollars. Blame the franchise too, 3 billion, fuck.
Well, we were.
It got all, it got crazy.
It got crazy.
You could like, used to be able to fantasize about being part of a group.
And now you're, now they're like, do you have 6 billion dollars? Someday a WNBA team, hold on. Yeah. I know, it keeps lowering where you're like, I want to get, uh, women's.
How much do you want to have on me here? Like, the, the Spurs, or what are they called?
75 dollars, I'm like, fuck you.
The Lightning? Yeah, we'll get it.
But it's like Steve, we were talking about Steve Jobs before he got here, and he would do a thing where he would lease a Mercedes.
And then when the, the time came to pay the lease, he would just cancel it and then lease another one.
Or some crazy shit like that, and you're like, you're a trillionaire.
But they have all these tricks, these rich guy tricks.
And they do, you know, when they have yachts, they, these are like incredibly expensive assets. They'll be listed under an LLC, but even that LLC will be like in their spouse's name.
They're not actually liable in any way to own this $400 million asset. There's all these loopholes.
My dream is to do the thing in the movies where they're like, "We owe the bank 20 million. Let me hit the tables." And you're just like, "How much do we have? 2,000? I'll turn it into 20 million."
Well, the thing, all they just, all of them spend time, you know, if they live in California, New York, they just have a place in Florida that they spend like six months in.
Oh, yeah. A lot of people do that. The only thing I heard from, like, I know people that do it, like, where they have, like, the Nevada place, you know, and they, like, they're Californians, so it's close by, so.
How do they, how do they monitor, do they go by credit card statements or do they go by lights and?
So the, the thing now, so apparently the most aggressive, aggressive franchise tax board in the country is California's. Like, California's is really, really tough, right? If you own anything in California, you're gonna hear from them, especially if you're an earner. They're gonna be like, "What's up?"
That's why you got the fuck out.
You own, you owe us, right? So, but obviously some people are still like, "Okay, but I still wanna keep this California shit, but I'm not a resident." So now, because technology is where it is, there's actually software that you put on your cellphone that you can, that is legally binding, that will show your exact location. So if you do get to that point with the tax board about how much time you spent there, you actually will show them, "I spent this many days in California and this many out."
They're getting there.
Yeah. Can you just leave your phone in Nevada? Get two?
You go back to the landline?
Yeah. Damn.
People have a bad phone, right? People do that.
Yeah, all the time. Burner phone, all that shit.
Trump's got a golden phone. I don't know if you saw that.
Say, um, do you guys have any peeves you wanna go over?
Oh, yeah, I got a, I got a weak peeve, but I got a peeve.
What you got?
Alright, I'll start, this is, this is shit, but it annoys the fuck out of me. So, I'm a douche, I don't prepare, and I'm, I'm taking a shower, you know, and I'm in the shower with all the wife's products, and she buys everything. And I can't, all her products are so hoity-toity and, and frou-frou, I can't tell what's what. I'm like, just say shampoo, but it'll be like, a puritanical elixir from the rainforest. I'm like, is this conditioner, is this lotion, is this douche, what is this?
Dude, 100% identify with this.
Okay, thank you, so I don't know what I'm using, I'm just putting shit in my hair, and it's like, fucking for jerry curls or whatnot, I don't know what it is.
I don't even have hair, and I, I still, I still get mad at it, I really do.
I wanna put something on my head for shaving, you know, in the shower. And I turn, and it's literally forest mist, and I'm like, forest mist, what?
Forest mist, well, just say shampoo, that's why, like, head and shoulders, two in one, boom.
I'm looking at my ex's stuff that's still in my shower, I'm like, what, I'm furious, I'm like, I'm fucking alone, and I don't know what the fuck this shit is, what is this?
No one asked. Exactly, this body balm, and I'm like, is that lotion? I don't know what anything is, so just, just write the shit on there, I know you're trying to be cute and sexy.
Men's stuff is so to the point, head and shoulders, I know what the fuck that is.
Yeah. Pert, give me some pert, give me a pert plus.
Man.
Yeah, so that, that annoys the shit out of me.
I got a peeve, this is like a thing you see all over Instagram, people going, I said what I said.
Oh, I hate that.
It's never controversial, it's always like, best pizza in South Florida, I said what I said, was that a big deal to say?
I know, and, and that sentence doesn't mean that, you said what you said, yeah, we caught that when you said it.
But it's never like a shocking thing, it, these catchphrases hatch on.
Full stop, shut up, I saw you stop, you don't have to tell me it's full. Yeah, I'm with you on that. I said what I said, it is what it is.
Deal with it.
It is what it is.
That means nothing.
There's nothing there. It's an empty statement.
Deal with me, yeah.
I even hate when guys are like, let me just, I'm being completely genuine here. I got a question. I mean, just completely genuine. Like, just ask it. I assume you're completely genuine. What do I think? You're doing a character?
You know, just ask the question. Hand to God, hand to God, man. Like, alright.
I get super annoyed by the, I hate corporate formality.
When, when you, like, I check in the hotel here and they have the card in the room. I actually, there's like a visceral reaction to me. Because it's like, I know it's a manufactured thing that you do for every, where it's like,
It's like, Tom, we're all excited. I take it and I throw it away in the trash immediately. Sometimes it's in an envelope and I don't open it. I throw it away.
Oh, nice.
I just feel like it's, it's like when corporations are like, you know, Boeing is wishing you a Merry Christmas. You're like, really? Boeing is?
You send it to a, you send it to a widow.
You're making F-22s and you're saying Merry. Like, I feel like it's the same way. And I just, it, it rings inauthentic.
That's the part of it that really annoys me.
The card, also when they, when they call the room and they check in, they go, how's your stay going? Do you really want to know how I'm doing?
I'll fucking tell you. I'll unload.
I also don't like, this is a thing that like, not all hotels do this, but some do, where like, they always, they time it so just after you arrive, they have an amenity for you. And you're like, dude, I'm laying, like, I get in, I want to lay on the bed. Like, I'm,
Then they knock. And you're like, what? And they're like, we have some dried apricots. And I'm like, I don't want them.
Yeah, and they're like, this is a gift for you. I'm like, did you send it back?
It's a nice hotel, though. It happened to me. I was in a hotel and I was so cranky. I was just in a, it was like day 12 on a tour bus. I'm finally in a hotel. I was like, I finally want to shower.
And like some guy just shows up, knocks on the door. My pants are off and I'm like trying to sleep. I'm like, what? And he goes, some sparkling water. I'm like, oh, come on.
Jeez. Answering the door in the underwear is a good move because people get the fuck out of there.
Yeah, it is.
And they see in your underwear, they're like, here you go. I'll see you. You have to tip them.
I looked like Swamp Thing. I was just like, ah. Some poor guy was just like, I'm sorry, I was just trying to give you sparkling water. I was like, ah, sorry.
I had this one the other day where I was in a hotel and I was fucking with the AC and it was boiling hot in the room. And I'm like, I got it on 65. What the hell? So I had to call down. I hate to be that guy. And they're like, we'll send up Bob. He's a repair guy.
I hate the send up.
Now I'm in my underwear with a boner and Bob's got overalls on and he's like, I think I got it. And he's up on a ladder and we're making small talk. And I'm like, should I leave? The whole thing feels weird.
Should I fuck him?
Fuck Bob? I am lonely.
But I had like, you know, Pawn Stars on. He's like, oh, I know this one. And I'm like, alright, Bob, it's getting too intimate.
I hate when it's late at night and they're like, we can send someone up. I'm like, yeah, I don't want.
No, no. I had that for like, I was like, alright, I'm gonna watch a movie. And then it wasn't working. And I was like, it's not working. And they're like, we can send them up. I go, I'll just go to bed.
I don't want them to come up.
Have you seen Sinners yet?
It's pretty cool, man.
I thought it was really cool.
I dug it.
I gotta see it.
Yeah, I thought it was really cool.
Yeah, I was like, this is fun.
The music, the stories, there's like, like, I love going into movies not knowing. And I didn't know shit. Only thing I had heard from people, they were like, like endorsing it. So I was like, I'm not gonna look it up. I'm not gonna try to like.
Same.
And so I would say that like a lot of the pivots and turns were very unexpected. I was like, oh, this is not the story I thought we were gonna see.
Okay, it's not too Kill Whitey?
No, it's fun.
Okay, sometimes I get bummed out with the, the joy of white death.
A little?
There's a hint of it, sure.
I can take a little. I mean, if the white guys are bad, you know, if it's a Klan member, alright, shoot them.
Okay, yeah. The vampires in Klan, so.
Alright, alright.
It's not whites you wanna win.
Alright, one of those I like.
Um.
I saw, oh, sorry. You get what? You got a peeve?
I got a wreck.
Okay, do the wreck.
No, what do you got? You got a peeve?
Well, no, I got a wreck too.
Oh, stupid wreck, but game changer for me. I don't know if you guys use these.
Please.
Packing cubes for travel. Fucking incredible.
You don't use them?
No, it's a packing cube. Oh.
They're like forty bucks on Amazon. You just, like, you get one for your underwear, you get one for your shirts, you get one for your socks.
And you, you ship these?
No, no, no. I put it in my, in my suitcase.
Oh, well, what, why not just use a suitcase?
Uh, you put it in the suitcase like that because it just divides everything, so it doesn't get all mushed together and, you know.
It is, it is.
Fucking brilliant.
Game changer. They're forty bucks on Amazon.
This is an extra thing to me. This is more work than I just put the underwear next to the shirt.
It's a, it's a, it's a little bit of an, it is an extra step, and you're kind of like, what the fuck am I doing?
But when you see the, the level of satisfaction and...
What am I, Marie Kondo? I mean, I, I got, I'm gone for three days.
If, do you pack a lot, or are you a light packer?
Very light.
If you're a light packer, it's probably less. I think if you're a heavy packer, like, I go overboard.
What about a fudge packer? Alright, couldn't resist.
I love asshole.
Especially with Bob. It's a motel Bob.
Love that guy's asshole.
Rosy red asshole.
Um, if you have, but if you're like, you know, I like, I like to bring like double the amount of underwear, and then all of a sudden it's in this cube, and you're like, that's my underwear thing.
Got it.
You start to do it like that, I thought it was, yeah, fantastic.
What happens when you get dirty clothes? Where does that go?
I just get, I bring. You bring an empty one.
You bring, and.
I bring an empty bag.
And it's like, it's, it takes up no space because it's empty, and then as you're going along the week, it's just, yeah.
Ah, makes sense. I'll re-wear an underwear. I'll flip it.
Oh, that's an old school move.
Oh, yeah. You guys all do the flip.
What if you work out?
It's a whole clean side.
Holy shit. That's literally, yeah, that's a boomer's move. You know that, right?
That's a fucking disgusting.
I'm a boomer, I guess.
Isn't, I remember my dad would do that, and I would, I would go, yo, like.
Yeah, I would see him pick up underwear on the ground.
Had a nice, clear brown streak.
And I'd go, what the fuck? He goes, just a little sunset. That's what he called it.
Flip it around.
Well, I'm not wearing whiteys, I'll tell you that. So, my brown is hidden.
The flip is fucking gross.
It's... Well, I'm not going to, you know, do a Tough Mudder and then flipping it. But if I, if I go to Cleveland and, and, you know, do a show, I'll flip.
That guy's got a roach in there. Jesus Christ.
Dude, uh, it, it's satisfying, cause you just, you just know where everything is.
Yeah, it's very satisfying.
Alright, alright. I'll give it a shot. I just feel like, they got the suitcase.
And they're cheap on Amazon, you get them...
Oh, I have to bring this one up, cause I, I was, and I was like, these, I wonder if it hits you the same way. I, it's a, it's a quiet one, right?
Alright.
Like, it's one that I keep to myself usually, but I feel like it's, when you befriend people that don't work in comedy, and they go, "Oh, like, you're in comedy?" So they send you comedy clips, like sketches.
Oh, yeah, that's tough.
And I'm always like, I look at it, I'm like, "Does this make you fucking LOL, dude?"
You know, like, I wanna be like...
If it's good, I never am bothered by, but if it's bad shit, I'm like, wow.
Well, that's the thing, it's like...
It's always very broad.
Sometimes it's gonna be good, right?
By number, you're gonna be like, "This is great." Half the time when it's that, you already know it. You're like, "I know, I know him." Like, "Yeah, that is great, and I've seen this, whatever." But so many times, it's like, this broad, like...
Woman? Oh, I thought you meant abroad.
Some fucking skirt?
Yeah, some dame.
I literally have to be, go like, "Ha, ha, ha."
Like, I don't know how to, and then they're like, "Isn't that great?" "Yep." Oh, man, this part of me is dying.
I'm cautious when it's someone in another field. Like, if there's like, a musician, and I have a friend who's a musician, I'm like, "Oh, what do you, it's more like, oh, what do you think of this?"
Yeah, yeah, that's...
I'm more like, curious.
Well, that's because we have the proper amount of self-awareness and fear...
Inside of us, to be like, "Hey, you're a musician? You've heard this?"
Where they're gonna be like, "Yeah, this fucking, ha, ha, ha."
I made the mistake of telling a couple musician friends of mine that I enjoyed the Timothy Chalamet Bob Dylan movie, and they were like, "You fucking like that?"
Oh, is that right?
Yeah, that was really good. And he was, they were just like, "Oh, please, like, he fucking..." It was, he was always him, he was never Dylan, I was just like, "I, yeah, I liked it."
What was their critique of it?
They just thought he never became, uh... Bob Dylan, they thought they were watching, they felt like they were watching Timothy Chalamet.
Maybe it's like how we see Punchline. We're like, that's not Tom Ha, that's not a comic.
Well, if we see someone playing a comic, we're gonna be more critical.
Like, we saw the Richard Pryor, they've been trying to make the Richard Pryor movie forever.
You see, they're doing a Springsteen. It's, it feels just like the Chalamet, it's the guy from The Bear.
Is doing Springsteen, and you're like, is this just an Oscar win? Or is that what they're going for, these biopics?
Cause you know, you get sweaty and you're up there.
But Chalamet was so celebrated for that.
I thought he killed it. I thought he killed it.
I thought he was awesome.
And this looks pretty cool too, to be honest, but. It's weird that like, artists I grew up liking are now so old that it has to have a biopic.
Weird when they're not dead yet.
Yeah, he's, both still alive.
They'll be dead soon.
With, Ray Charles was dead for the Ray movie, right?
Alive while it was being made. He died right when it came out. Yes.
Johnny Cash was dead before, right?
Definitely dead.
Yeah, because, um, what's his name? Um, who?
The pianist.
Stevie Wonder.
No, the actor.
No, no, no, but the real guy.
Ray Charles.
So Ray Charles was there signing off on.
Oh, he killed that, by the way.
Yeah. Oh my god.
He nailed that role.
Yeah, he was amazing.
I met him a couple of weeks ago.
Jamie?
That next time on a flight?
No, it was at this like, they did this Emmy, like, um, submission event.
So like, I was there for the show, where they're like, we're submitting these things, right? Like, just to like, to voter, and, um, he was there for his special. But.
It is definitely wa, like, he's so talented.
He's unbelievable, in every genre too, comedy.
Everything.
Acting, he can play sports.
Yeah, he was like, I was kinda like, oh shit.
Oh, yeah, I love that movie Collateral too.
I went up to him and I was like. Hey dude, like, I just want you to know that I I watched Booty Call like 300 times. He's like, that's digging deep in the well, man. I think it's kind of underrated. I watched it so many, for real, because it was like a perfect, like, my age when that came out.
And then, I also remember, it was a kid, 97. Then, like, the next year, we went on a family cruise, and at the time, cruise ships would, like, just replay, like, four movies.
Booty Call was one of them, so it was a whole week. I would just watch Booty Call every time I went to the room.
Ebert wrote a good review for it, though.
Ebert gave it a good review.
It was a good movie.
Ebert's the man, black wife.
Damn, yeah, Booty Call was fun.
Oh, fuck, I was gonna say something about biopics, and now I lost. Oh, do you think in, like, 40 years, we'll do like a Whiz Khalifa? Like, where does it end, you know?
Yeah, for every, yeah.
You're gonna have to hit everybody. Here's, um, fucking Post Malone and, uh...
Do you guys watch docs?
I'm a huge doc, that was my rec.
I just haven't seen it yet, I gotta watch it.
I just watched the Led Zeppelin.
Oh, I've heard that that's really good. Paul Rubens is the one.
Paul Rubens is a killer.
Did you watch, uh, you watched the Bin Laden one?
That one's... It's good? Phenomenal. Really?
Which, which stream? It's on Netflix, yeah.
I didn't even know it was out.
That, and I would say the, the Tylenol murders.
I watched that.
That was, for me, was more fascinating because I'm older than you guys, but I remember, I remember it being like a trivia thing, but have zero memory of any of it, like, it was just like, oh, yeah, that's a crazy story. But seeing that, seeing them tell the full, full story in detail was... I don't even know.
Just a psycho guy who put
Cyanide.
Cyanide in seven random bottles, and just the country figured it out.
That were dying, taking Tylenol, and they recalled
All of it, off the shelves.
All Tylenol, dude, like, which was their... It was their money maker. It was like the biggest product they had. Was it Johnson Johnson? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Owned the parent. That was the parent company of the company that made it. Yeah.
This was the impetus of having the seal on every single bottle to get now.
The way that that happened was back when this happened, you would just open the bottle and it's just an open bottle with the pills. And then that led to like seals, double seals. It's amazing. They pulled through that, that nosedive. It's incredible. It was a crazy recall. It's incredible. But that's a really interesting story. It's good.
I feel like I've heard that now, but I, yeah, that's crazy.
The Bin Laden one is like fascinating in that they lay out things so incredibly well, but they also have, they got such great access. Like Leon Panetta's in it, former CIA director. Oh, nice. People in the, like, high ranking people are like giving you all this like beat by beat insight and how they're figuring out. Cause like we, I, I always feel like it's one of those stories where you're like, yeah, you remember the highlights, you know? But when you watch them in detail, review, when they lock in on this compound in Abbottabad, um, and they think they're like, something's going on here. There's two families living in this house. Wait a minute, there's three families working, living in this house. Yeah. And then there, there's a figure who's wa, who would pace. They called him the pacer. Hmm.
But they're doing it from like a satellite and then they use, I forget the term, but it's a, um, a term that they use for, if you are walking and the sun hits you a certain, at a certain angle, you create your shadow. Hmm. They determine by the shadow and the distance from the photograph, how tall you are. Woo. When they did that, they were like, oh, they're like, this person is like six, five. He was huge. Right? And so they were like, Wow. Still couldn't see the face, but they're like, it's either him or it's another six foot five. It's either him or Grant Hill.
He's like pacing up and down every day.
Was he a pacer? Indiana? I'm thinking of Halliburton. But yeah, that's crazy. I love, that's old school. They used the sun. It was a sundial kill. Wow.
It's a great, it's a great.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna check them both out.
Did they get into his Whitney Houston obsession? He was obsessed with Whitney Houston.
Don't know.
You're smiling?
Yeah, he loved Whitney Houston.
Porn, I know they got a lot of porn when he.
In his room when they, when they collected everything. They were like, this guy loves fucking barely legal.
Yeah. Remember when they killed him? How exciting that was for the country? That was, that was big news.
I remember where I was. It's one of those things, I remember where you were.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, it was, cause I was, we were living in Silver Lake on Hyperion. And it was an evening, like it was like breaking news at night.
Yeah, Obama came out.
He came out.
And, and we were like, no shit. And then you would hear people like, huh huh.
Yeah, yes.
Yeah, it was pretty cool.
Nice to have a moment where everyone comes together.
We need, we need more of those.
Now we just get that with like a TikTok trend.
Animated films on his hard drive included ants, cars, Chicken Little, Ice Age.
He was a Woody Allen guy.
Ants, Broadway Danny Rose.
Kill the Gino games. Charlie bit my finger was a viral clip. Wow. That's cra- I gotta, I can't wait to watch this. I watched the Churchill one. I loved it. I watched the Tylenol. I'm gonna watch this.
Yeah, there's great World War II ones.
Great World War II. Unbelievable shit. Uh, but the Zeppelin doc, you gotta watch it. It could have been nine hours longer. I didn't want it to end. You know, the partying and how they met, they didn't know each other. They just were like, we wanna start a band. I, I think I remember this guy was a drummer, so they hit him up. Turns out to be the best drummer of all time, John Bonham. And they just got to know each other on the first album. They were just phenoms who happened to link up.
That's pretty crazy.
It's crazy. Then they become the biggest band. They outsold the Beatles for a while.
Insane. Then they, you know, the huge hog on Robert Plant. They just got this frontman who happened to be super tal- uh, the whole thing's crazy that it worked out. And, uh, they wouldn't do singles and they were, they were great.
That's Jesus.
Look at the, the bulge.
That balls too. That's balls too, right?
Yeah, there's balls in there.
But anyway, so. And he was the original Chronicle, San Francisco.
Yeah, he was. He's still out there performing.
Yeah, yeah, Plant's still alive.
They're still touring.
Bonham died of drinking.
Jimmy Page is still alive, right?
He's a genius, by the way.
Plant was living at least part of the year in Austin for a while.
If you put in his name in Austin, does it come up as still living there?
I think he's doing Kill Tony tomorrow.
Lived in Austin for a couple of years.
Oh, how about that?
Vibrant music scene.
Wow, imagine working with that guy? Get him on the pod, or I guess he's gone now. But yeah, great doc, really interesting, and just fun to see the 70s and the just the wildness of it. And they show some groupie stuff, it's killer.
That's really cool.
They put the work in, that's what I love about these guys, they're real artists. Like, they really tried to be innovative and make new shit. And they were like, "The Beatles are too square, we're gonna go harder," and it's awesome.
Damn, which is on Netflix?
Netflix, yeah.
Damn, they're churning it out, man.
They've been, this like, this doc streak lately has been really great.
Killer, love it.
So yeah, now you got a show, season two, that's exciting, you gotta get to work.
I know, I, um, I'm gonna have to wait a little while, we're doing a movie next month.
Jesus, so many irons on the fire.
Yeah, and then I go back on tour in the fall, so, um, I'll shoot the special in November, and then we'll go back to the writers' room for this, I think.
Holy hell, well, and you got a hooch?
Yes, thank you.
Good stuff, man.
Thanks, brother, thank you so much.
Very nice.
We got brown and white, we got Serena and the husband here.
Currently available in Jersey, I think, you know, it's such a thing to get into states.
So, we have it, um, it's available in a, every, every month we get like, "Oh, now you're in South Carolina, now you're in Illinois, you're in Arizona, California, Texas, but we got into Jersey, so we're available."
Nice, if you'd only get rid of Burt, then we'd really take it off. That's my impression of the internet.
But I hope, I hope I, I text with Burt, he's a horrible texter. He'll, he'll, he'll ask me a question and I'll answer it and go, "What do you think of this?" And he won't respond. I'm like, "You started this."
You don't have to fucking tell me.
Tell me what? Um, yeah, he's the worst texter. Um, but yeah, I'm on tour too.
Oh, hell yeah.
Yeah, if you, uh, go to tomskirt.com/tour, got a bunch of dates leading up to-
Arenas!
We, uh, oh yeah, we have a couple of-
Couple. But then I'm doing a, uh, a theater tour in the fall because we're shooting in a theater. They're shooting a special.
Oh!
Yeah, we announced it. It's, uh, it's in, um, it's November 15 in, um, Milwaukee. Oh, that's a great city. I, I love it. So we're gonna do- Great comedy city. At the Riverside Theater.
Nice. Hell yeah. Alright, go to that.
Excited to do that. Um-
What's that, your 13th hour? I mean, what are we on here?
I think that's six, about, six?
Six special, yeah.
Damn. You were one of the first, I know you've covered it, but you were one of the first Netflix crazy takeoff specials.
Well, I was, I was at, so Burr had done it.
And, but like, what they were saying was they were like, "Yeah, it's, it's been really good for Burr." That's, that was what they said at the time. I was like, "Okay." They're like, so this guy who's like, like at the time, you're like, "He's great comedy."
Worked for him? Great.
Um, it was a, it was definitely not like what it became.
You know, like, it was 2013 and they were like, "Yeah, they have like, like 38 million subscribers, but it keeps growing."
And I was like, "Does it?" You know what I mean? It wasn't like the-
So you were kinda hesitant about Netflix?
Oh, it was a consolation prize, yeah.
Wow!
Because the goal was Comedy Central.
Wow. Wow!
And I had been on Comedy Central. Crazy. Like, I had a relationship. I did Live at Gotham, I did this mashup show, I did a Presents.
I was like, "I wanna do an hour." Like, that was the goal. And then- Getting on there, I was like, they're like, because they're like Comedy Central turned it down.
I was like, alright. And they're like, but you can be on Netflix. And I was like, cool.
Yeah, hilarious.
Yeah. And then, now they have 300 million subscribers, Netflix does.
Woo, global, baby.
Yeah, it's pretty, it's pretty crazy the way it changed. But remember, like, Comedy Central was everyone's goal.
Of course, of course. HBO before that even.
Yeah, yeah. But HBO kinda seemed untouchable because their model was, are you a superstar?
You know, it was like Robin Williams, Carlin, Chris Rock.
Like that was, yeah, that was, they only played in that arena at that time. So it was like, Comedy Central felt like accessible.
But, but also great because like, Etelle was there and.
They played shit out of your special.
For a while. By the time we had ours on there, they were like, it was like one and done.
And you had to do three edits. I remember doing.
It was like, they're like, we have the extended version, that's 50 minutes, 55 minutes, we have the 50 minutes, and then the 42.
Alright, so you're just like, cutting lines and jokes for.
I know, for the commercials.
They did something that made me so crazy. And I, nobody really cared, because they were like, okay. But it was on a, I forget if it was the half hour, I think it might have been the half hour, or one of the other standup shows. Maybe it was the Live at Gotham. Dude, they took on their, like, they don't, there was no like, you're involved.
You just shot it and left.
They took the setup of one joke and the punchline of another.
Ah, that should be illegal.
And I was like, this doesn't even make any sense.
And they were like, oh yeah, sorry. I'm like, what do you mean you're sorry? This is, makes no sense.
This is my career.
So what the hell is the next thing? Or, because I watched a YouTube video, and Netflix is like, bigger than Earth, it's gonna take over everything, it's gonna eat everything that tries to compete with it. Can it be beaten? Is there, I know you're on there, so I don't want to scare you, but can it be toppled? Is there another thing that can actually rival it in eyeballs?
History teaches us anything, like, everything is temporary.
Everything, like. I'm not saying that it's AI, but it goes back to like what we started where like you can't ignore things like technology jumps, especially in in payment. Like, I understand the thing where people were like, we don't want AI to write our stuff and perform it. And you're like, yeah, for sure. But it's still here and you better learn about it. Of course. Because you're gonna, you're gonna have to like, figure something out. I don't know the answer. I just know that it's like, it's part of what we're doing. Yeah, oh yeah. And then, yeah, like, everything, business is all about competition, so, you know, that's what Hulu got big into the stand ups because they're competing, you know? Yeah, yeah. Like, they're all, everyone's competing, so. I mean, Netflix knows that, that they know how, how business works. Oh, yeah.
They're the big dog, so they're gonna be aggressive and, and the end, like, the the end of this whole thing is always like, the best material, like, content, if you wanna call it, is gonna always draw the most eyeballs. Yeah. So, the only way you could defeat a giant would be like, oh, there's this other place and we're doing amazing things. Right.
Look, Apple had some huge shows.
They have some huge shows, yeah.
If you make something good, I, I hope I'm not just being optimistic, but I think people will find it.
Yeah, I hope you're right. Sometimes, things kind of fall, fall under the radar, you know, and you're like, that's a great show. Like, I remember Zero Zero Zero, you ever saw it? Never heard of it. Fucking, so good, and it's on Amazon. Really? I still think about it. I see, I saw it years ago, and it's so fucking good. Yeah, it came out during the pandemic. What? Yeah, this show's amazing. What, is it like a spy show? So, dude, this show follows, cuz I feel like one of the things that happens with it is when you start to describe it, you're like, oh, it's like another one of those, and you're like, it's not another one of those. Like, it's, it's so, it's so much better. So, it's the same creator who did Gamora.
Oh, yeah. That Italian mob. Uh huh. Style show, and he did this, and it follows, like, a shipping fam, like, a family that's, does like, hot, like, massive container ship shipments. This, the Italian mafia, but not like the, not Sicily, like a northern Italian mafia family. And then cartel people, but all this, the stories are interconnected. And dude, they shoot this show in like, I mean, on location in Louisiana, in Mexico, in northern Italy, in North Africa. Like, you're like, what is the fucking budget of this show?
You watch the show and you're like, is this? There was stories that it was a $300 million budget, which I believed at the time. I learned later, I met somebody who was friends with the line producer and they were like, no, it was not that, but they just made the most of what they had. But it's just a really, like, the writing and the storytelling and the acting is tremendous.
All right.
It's a really good show.
That's a good rec.
And it's a one and done. The guy, like, everyone, when this ended, they're like, oh, we want season two. He's like, I always made it to be standalone.
Hell, yeah. I love shit like that. Is that cocaine on the cover there?
Yeah, and that's what Zero Zero Zero is in reference to. It's like the most purified.
Oh, got it. Not cut with anything.
Amazon does have some good shit.
But it's like a sneak, like a sleeper awesome show.
Never heard of it, now I'm interested. They got Sam's special on there. Check that out.
Thank you.
Yeah, another sleeper.
They have, I mean, I thought Slow Horses was a pretty sick spy show on Apple.
Great.
I loved it.
And he is just...
Yeah, he's fun.
Gary Oldman?
He's incredible.
Oh, he's always good.
It's funny. It's legit funny as well as being awesome.
It's a great show.
Very funny.
All right, well, get some poros, though. See Tom on tour, go see, or check out his show, Bad Thoughts on Netflix. Check out Two Bears.
Yes, sir.
Red Bank, July 12th, Count Basie Theater will be at the Wilbur, August 7th. I'll be in L.A. at the Irvine Improv, October 22nd through 24th. And then OKC after that, and then Vegas. Then I'm doing a club in Rochester.
So, oh, Chicago Theater, October 4th, that's a fun one.
Ah, the best.
The best.
Yeah, Winnipeg, Casino the night after that.
That'll humble you.
Gotta go through to a casino.
Bringing little Gary to that one, too. Then we got Salt Lake City, November 14th through 16th, and then Carnegie Hall, December 4th.
Woo! Love you guys. Hell, yeah.
Big stuff. Samorell.com/shows or PunchUp.live/Samorell, PunchUp.live/MarkNorman.
Are you on PunchUp?
I think so. Punch it out live slash Tom Segura. Check it out. I'm at the Melody Tent, which is kind of a crazy venue for me, so come on by that. Then we're at the- Oh, you're going overseas, bro? Yeah, Foxwoods, Ben Saylor, then New Zealand, Australia, we're adding shows in Sydney and Melbourne and Adelaide, so that's cool. Then, uh, I'm in the Hamptons, that's a beach trip. Calgary for the great outdoors, Vegas, Dallas, and, uh, that's good enough for a while. Fucking, Australia's so- I love it. Third time going. They're the best. Big fan. Great. I always say Australia's America in the 80s. They never got annoying, they never got queefy, they still do blow, the girls are skinny, it's great.
Yeah. All right, we'll see you all in hell. Thanks a lot. Whiff it up and R.I.P. Wardy.
My name is Taylor. The economy is crushing moms like me right now, even working full-time. My paychecks went straight to childcare and all of the bills. Nutritious food is really important to me.
High food costs and changes to nutrition programs constrain family budgets. Your donation helps Feeding America provide the nourishing food families need.
I'm hopeful for stability.
When budgets strain, your gift sustains. Give now at feedingamerica.org/communityresponse.
Page updated November 1, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated