We Have A Condom For That

Conan talks to Noah in Woburn, MA about working as a condom size specialist and the latest developments in condom technology. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Conan O'Brien?

  Owning a car or home comes with responsibilities. Sure, it's fun, but sometimes it makes you wonder why you ever longed for adulthood in the first place. I do that all the time. I'm like, oh, these bills, these bills. What am I gonna do?

• 0:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:15Conan O'Brien?

  You know, when you own a house, you gotta fix it yourself. Sona,

• 0:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:17Conan O'Brien?

  You see this to be true, right?

• 0:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, your garage door breaks, and you're like, well, I have to fix it.

• 0:22Conan O'Brien?

  Probably at first you said, hey, I'll get the super to fix it. It's your house, dude.

• 0:25Speaker 01

  It's mine, dude!

• 0:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Liberty Mutual customizes your car and home insurance to save you money. In fact, they work overtime to tailor your insurance policy around what you actually need. The only thing they can't do is get that liberty, liberty, liberty, liberty jingle out of your head.

• 0:39Speaker 01

  Liberty, liberty, liberty.

• 0:41Conan O'Brien?

  Liberty, liberty. It's in my head all the time.

• 0:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, me too.

• 0:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Start your quote at libertymutual.com.

• 0:47Speaker 02

  Monday on NBC. The wait is over for St. Dennis Medical. Strap in. The comedy about doctors. Woo, let's get it! Without boundaries.

• 0:56Speaker 03

  Healthcare is a fun, fulfilling, exciting career.

• 1:00Speaker 02

  Is it because you're getting sued and puked on all the time? And they're back for another dose.

• 1:04Speaker 04

  I want to show you the secret sauce of St. Dennis: the staff.

• 1:08Speaker 05

  This place is hell. Literal hell.

• 1:11Speaker 04

  Well, that's enough secret sauce.

• 1:12Speaker 02

  All-new St. Dennis Medical, Monday on NBC.

• 1:20Speaker 01

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com/callconan. Okay, let's get started.

• 1:30Conan O'Brien?

  Hey Noah, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Hey Noah, how are you?

• 1:33Speaker 06

  I'm doing very well. How are you doing?

• 1:36Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, oh, I'm doing great. Uh, first things first, I understand you're in Massachusetts. Where are you? I'm from said area as well. Whereabouts?

• 1:45Speaker 06

  Uh, so I was born and raised in Shrewsbury, which is just outside of Worcester. Uh, but right now I live in Woburn with my husband.

• 1:52Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, okay, very good. All right, I hail from Brookline, so I know these areas well. And all my family is from Worcester originally, so I know Shrewsbury as well. So I just wanted to make sure that we were super boring up front.

• 2:07Conan O'Brien?

  And we were. Now, do you ever take Route 9? You ever use Route 9?

• 2:11Speaker 07

  We might have to hijack this.

• 2:13Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, all right. No, I'm moving on from that now. And I'm getting to more fruitful area. There's a Volvo dealership.

• 2:20Speaker 07

  No.

• 2:21Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 2:23Speaker 06

  It's Mazda now. It's Mazda.

• 2:25Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, Mazda. Very good. Noah, we now know, I know exactly where you live. And there will be no more questions, except for in a few minutes, about the Boston area. I want to ask you what you do for a living. Let's talk about that.

• 2:40Speaker 06

  Yeah, for sure. I am a condom size specialist for a condom company.

• 2:46Speaker 07

  Here we go.

• 2:47Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, here we go.

• 2:48Speaker 01

  Are you hiring?

• 2:52Conan O'Brien?

  Excuse me, I'm gonna get us right to the next. When you say Shrewsbury.

• 2:57Speaker 01

  Come on!

• 2:58Speaker 07

  Come on!

• 2:59Speaker 01

  No!

• 3:00Conan O'Brien?

  Do you mean?

• 3:00Speaker 07

  Are you hiring?

• 3:04Speaker 01

  Out.

• 3:05Conan O'Brien?

  I think you probably took it in a better direction.

• 3:09Conan O'Brien?

  Am I understanding this right? You work for a company in penis size analytics?

• 3:16Speaker 06

  Yes, I mean, I would say half my job is talking penis size, the other half is analyzing penis size.

• 3:23Conan O'Brien?

  Which do you prefer?

• 3:25Speaker 06

  Surprisingly, the analytics part. I'd rather see a graph than some of the pictures.

• 3:30Conan O'Brien?

  Isn't it great when your hobby turns into a job?

• 3:33Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 3:34Conan O'Brien?

  That's just the greatest thing in life, you know?

• 3:37Speaker 06

  I mean, I've been obsessed with penises for 10 years now, so.

• 3:43Conan O'Brien?

  It's just great, you know?

• 3:44Speaker 07

  You do what you love, you'd never work a day in your life.

• 3:47Conan O'Brien?

  Exactly, exactly.

• 3:47Speaker 06

  Exactly.

• 3:48Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, let's get into this. Are you saying you work for a condom company? Is that right? Do you want to name the company, or is the company not to be known?

• 3:58Speaker 06

  No, it's, I'm happy to name it's One Condom. So if you've ever seen a condom with a round wrapper, that would be us.

• 4:05Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, and you make a variety of sizes of condoms, is that correct? How many sizes?

• 4:12Speaker 06

  That's our bread and butter. We have 52 different condom sizes.

• 4:15Conan O'Brien?

  52?

• 4:16Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 4:17Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, I've always thought there's just hardly any size, you know, differences when you look at a condom. No, you think of there being...

• 4:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, small, medium, and large.

• 4:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 4:28Speaker 01

  And Magnum.

• 4:29Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Wow, Sona, you are, Sona's on fire! And Mount Kilimanjaro.

• 4:38Conan O'Brien?

  Excuse me, I'll have the Mount Kilimanjaro, please. No questions asked. We'll need three guys to take it out to the car. Do you want us to load it in the back of the station wagon? I'd like white glove delivery, please. It's like when you get a Christmas tree. "I brought some bungee cords, could you lash it to the roof?" "Would you like a fresh cut?" All right, listen, I-

• 5:00Speaker 07

  You must be tired of this.

• 5:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and listen, we wanna be, you probably thought, oh, there's gonna be a lot of jokes and stuff. That's not the case in this interview. We're gonna really get-

• 5:10Speaker 06

  Very serious.

• 5:11Conan O'Brien?

  This is a serious topic. Penises, different sizes, and you must cater to the different sizes. Now, tell me, exactly, 52 different sizes, what is the range, say, from smallest to biggest?

• 5:24Speaker 06

  For sure, I actually brought some visual aids for us.

• 5:27Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 5:28Conan O'Brien?

  All right, this is good.

• 5:29Speaker 07

  Sona's just looking with laser beam eyes.

• 5:33Speaker 06

  So something we deal with a lot is, we work in a lot of education, so when people demonstrate how to put a condom on, a lot of times they have to just use, like, a dildo, like this.

• 5:43Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, all right.

• 5:44Speaker 06

  Distracting, clearly.

• 5:46Conan O'Brien?

  It's not distracting to me, because that's the actual color of my penis.

• 5:50Conan O'Brien?

  It is, it is bright red.

• 5:52Speaker 07

  And translucent.

• 5:53Conan O'Brien?

  It is bright red and translucent.

• 5:55Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's got a sunburn on the end as well.

• 5:58Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it also detaches easily from my body and goes in my luggage when I travel. So, so far, nothing you can show me is shocking. That's like seeing an old friend. Yeah. All right. So, um, so tell us, yes, the range. What's the range?

• 6:15Speaker 06

  So now we've actually come out with a range of demonstrators to kind of, because all these demonstrators were just that big, fat, juicy, whatever you get right there. So now we have essentially, I'll start with our snuggest range, which I'll pop up right here.

• 6:31Speaker 07

  Oh.

• 6:32Speaker 06

  So this is the little demonstrator.

• 6:34Conan O'Brien?

  Wait a minute.

• 6:34Speaker 06

  Very nice, very cute.

• 6:37Conan O'Brien?

  Um, huge.

• 6:38Speaker 07

  What's his name?

• 6:39Conan O'Brien?

  That thing's massive.

• 6:42Conan O'Brien?

  I call that thing Jumbo.

• 6:45Speaker 06

  Well, speaking of Jumbo.

• 6:47Conan O'Brien?

  Six of mine fits into one of those.

• 6:49Speaker 07

  Whoa.

• 6:50Speaker 06

  This is our.

• 6:51Conan O'Brien?

  Is that the biggest?

• 6:52Speaker 06

  This is our biggest.

• 6:53Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 6:53Speaker 06

  So we sell condoms to cover a bigger penis than this. However, this is our biggest for demonstrated, demonstration purposes.

• 7:02Conan O'Brien?

  What is, have you ever had someone, uh, call you up and it's clearly like something medically has gone horribly wrong? Meaning they have a penis that, you know, half of it's in the car still when they're talking to you. Do you know what I mean?

• 7:15Speaker 07

  Like it takes a right turn, a right angle turn or something?

• 7:17Conan O'Brien?

  It takes a turn, it's, uh, yeah, and then it takes another turn.

• 7:21Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 7:21Conan O'Brien?

  Um, there's a couple of right angles in there.

• 7:24Speaker 06

  Oh, we've had 90-degree bends. We've had 90 to 40, anything in between. We've had.

• 7:29Conan O'Brien?

  So that's people that are trying to have sex with someone around a corner.

• 7:33Speaker 06

  Essentially, yes.

• 7:34Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:35Speaker 06

  And we have a condom for that, but we'll help.

• 7:38Speaker 07

  Wow.

• 7:39Conan O'Brien?

  Doesn't it have a hinge on it?

• 7:41Speaker 07

  One condoms, we have a condom for that.

• 7:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. So, um, wow, okay. Uh, and also you have, I'm guessing, different textured condoms. Uh, there's the ribbed condom, uh, that.

• 7:56Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 7:56Conan O'Brien?

  Has it, what's happening out there in condom technology, uh, that, that I would have missed out on?

• 8:03Speaker 06

  That is a great question.

• 8:05Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I know.

• 8:06Speaker 06

  The latest development in condom technology would be focusing on heat transfer. So something we did recently is we made a condom using graphene, which is this kind of space age material that really helps with conductivity. So essentially we bond the graphene to the latex so people feel more of their partner's body heat.

• 8:26Conan O'Brien?

  Oh. Oh. So this thing is emitting heat, it's transmitting heat?

• 8:30Speaker 06

  No, no, no, no. It's transmitting heat from your body to your partner's body.

• 8:34Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I thought it was like those wit- those mitten warmers where you can put a setting on it. And, uh, you know.

• 8:40Speaker 01

  You make everything unsexy.

• 8:42Conan O'Brien?

  What are you talking about?

• 8:43Speaker 01

  It's just like a special power.

• 8:44Conan O'Brien?

  She was getting all worked up over here and then you just killed it.

• 8:46Speaker 01

  Like the body and you're like, mittens, it's like mittens.

• 8:50Conan O'Brien?

  Well, that's in my day, that's what I used to call them. I'd say, give me a second, I gotta put me mittens on.

• 8:55Speaker 01

  I think, I think I gotta take the reins on them.

• 8:57Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, well, first of all, Sona, Sona, you're like a sommelier.

• 9:02Conan O'Brien?

  I'm getting a, uh... You'd be a size 38. I'm getting, uh, notes of oak. Peach, getting me a little peach in there. Sona, why don't you tell us, I want to make sure that you can speak from your experience, uh...

• 9:23Speaker 01

  Well, what I'm curious about, and this is a real question, because I, it, you, it sounds like you're saying that the fit is very imp- what? Is it because it could just like come off if it's the wrong size or squeeze your, your little pee pee or your big pee pee if it's too little? Like, what are the problems with the wrong size condoms?

• 9:42Speaker 06

  For sure, that, I mean, I have my graphs ready, I have my infographics right here by my side. There's basically, what, five major issues, six major issues. The big one is if the penis is smaller and we have a bigger condom on it, essentially the latex can get bunched up, it can pull out, like in the middle of the act, that's a really common complaint.

• 10:06Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 10:07Speaker 06

  But, and what really the main issue is, is width wise and width wise, condom that's too tight for people. So if the condom is too tight, a lot of times that constricts blood flow, which means no erection, which means no sex. Um, so really, it's, it's covering the full penis and then making sure it's comfortable. Because if it's not comfortable, how can you be expected to perform?

• 10:29Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 10:30Conan O'Brien?

  Do you bring that chart with you wherever you go?

• 10:34Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah. Family dinners, on the bus.

• 10:37Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Hello, everybody. Happy Hanukkah. Oh, hey, and check this out.

• 10:44Speaker 07

  That's a good white elephant gift.

• 10:46Speaker 01

  The chart?

• 10:47Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 10:48Speaker 01

  Or the dildos?

• 10:49Speaker 07

  The chart.

• 10:50Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 10:50Conan O'Brien?

  I thought it was a nickname.

• 10:53Conan O'Brien?

  So, this is incredible. Uh, this is something you've thought about a lot. And you'd think, I love the scientific angle, that science is always coming up with new things. Now, they were called rubbers many, many years ago. Is that because they were initially made of rubber? And now then they later were made of latex? What's the history of the condom?

• 11:12Speaker 06

  I mean, there's still, we, all of our condoms are made with natural rubber latex. So it's still a rubber. We still call them rubbers. Not my favorite term. It's not very sexy. Thank you again for bringing it in a very unsexy direction.

• 11:26Conan O'Brien?

  I've so far, I've, so far I've said, so it's like a mitten? And I've also said, tell us about the history of condoms.

• 11:34Speaker 01

  Of rubbers?

• 11:35Conan O'Brien?

  And so, of rubbers. So I have, I might be the worst person to talk about this. Sona, again, you take over.

• 11:41Speaker 07

  Sona, take it, please.

• 11:42Conan O'Brien?

  Just take it. And I'm admitting I should just step away.

• 11:44Speaker 01

  Let's say I'm a dude, and I want, I want to get the right size for my dick.

• 11:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 11:50Speaker 01

  For my dick.

• 11:50Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 11:50Speaker 01

  Uh, do I send you a picture and you're like, here's what you need?

• 11:54Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, how do you know?

• 11:55Speaker 07

  But you have to put it next to a ruler? How do you do that?

• 11:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 11:58Speaker 07

  You need scale. A quarter has to be in there.

• 11:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, do we, what do we do?

• 12:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 12:01Speaker 01

  How do we do it?

• 12:02Conan O'Brien?

  This is a good question. How does one, uh, measure so that they can order effectively?

• 12:08Speaker 06

  So actually, we created our very own penis measuring tool.

• 12:13Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 12:14Speaker 06

  Right here, to measure both girth in this fashion. And length in this fashion.

• 12:21Conan O'Brien?

  That looks like something that would come in a Happy Meal.

• 12:23Speaker 07

  Yes. Or like, like testing your pool water.

• 12:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 12:27Speaker 01

  It doesn't look like, oh, wow, this is a great burger. Oh, look!

• 12:34Speaker 06

  Yeah, so essentially, we will ship these out. We offer samplers so people, because we have so many sizes. If you buy the wrong one, we want to make sure people get set up correctly.

• 12:42Conan O'Brien?

  And are they supposed to measure when they're fully, I'll use the term engorged? Is that when they're supposed to use it for the measuring?

• 12:48Speaker 06

  Full engorged, as engorged as possible.

• 12:51Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, so you really better be watching something good, you know? Like an early manics.

• 12:56Speaker 07

  You've never met a woman.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  I know, I was like, or with someone who can get you engorged. You're just, you're just talking about watching something?

• 13:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's gotta be a show from the 60s. It's gotta be a detective show, probably. I mean, that is pretty erotic. You know, there's some hot ladies in those shows.

• 13:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:22Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 13:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love awards.

• 13:25Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 13:39Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 13:39Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 13:48Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 13:52Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 14:12Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 14:12Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I have this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View US News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 14:47Conan O'Brien?

  When you hear Alka Seltzer, you probably think heartburn, right?

• 14:49Speaker 07

  Yep.

• 14:50Conan O'Brien?

  Well, did you know Alka Seltzer has a line of cold and flu medications known as Alka Seltzer Cold?

• 14:56Speaker 07

  Ooh.

• 14:56Conan O'Brien?

  Did you know that, David?

• 14:57Speaker 07

  No, but I feel like we need it.

• 14:58Conan O'Brien?

  Why didn't you know that, David?

• 14:59Speaker 07

  I know, you expect me to know everything.

• 15:01Conan O'Brien?

  I knew this.

• 15:02Speaker 07

  Did you?

• 15:03Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I've tried it, it's really good. And I like that fizzy, fizzy, fizzy when you drop the Alka Seltzer Cold into the water.

• 15:09Speaker 07

  You do, yeah.

• 15:09Conan O'Brien?

  Alka Seltzer Cold: Fast Dissolves Tablets Are Designed to Deliver Cold and Flu Relief Fast. Just drop the two tablets in water and hear those bubbles bursting into action. Ready to work faster than pills. Bubbles faster than pills. Pills take time to dissolve, not bubbles. Next time a cold or flu strikes, quick! Alka Seltzer Cold: Nothing Works Faster for Cold and Flu Symptom Relief. Among Oral Products Used as Directed.

• 15:38Conan O'Brien?

  Coca-Cola Zero Sugar is so good, it's almost impossible not to finish it before the meal arrives. It's just too good to wait. That happens to me sometimes. Me too. You can try rules like no sipping until the appetizer arrives, or you tell your friend, "Don't let me touch my glass." But every time you're staring at an empty glass... So if you've ever finished your Coke Zero before the first fry hits the table, you're among friends. Mm. It happens. Mm-hmm. Occupational hazard with Coke Zero. Yeah. Real Coca-Cola taste, zero sugar, too good to wait. Enjoy an ice cold Coca-Cola Zero Sugar today.

• 16:16Conan O'Brien?

  So, you have to admit, the holidays, it's really about hanging with the people you love. Yeah. And getting to be yourself. Not going to some stuffy holiday party where you need to conform to what the man wants you to think about the holidays. Yeah. Yeah, it's about being yourself. Turn your holiday time into Miller time by enjoying a Miller Lite in a place where you're free to enjoy yourself. On a walk with a cousin? With a cousin? Why are they getting all specific about it? Because it's family. But what about a niece or a nephew? Yeah. Um, like a walk with an ex-wife?

• 16:50Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know. I mean, they're just throwing, that's a weird, they just made a very specific choice.

• 16:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:54Conan O'Brien?

  Now's the time for those unexpected holiday side guests and enjoy a great tasting light beer. 'Tis Miller time, as Dickens wrote. Miller Lite is brewed for taste, the taste you can depend on. The original light beer since 1975 and still iconic more than 50 years later. I like to be with my bros, my chums, my posse, crack open a Miller Lite, take a swig, a sip, look around and see my friends. We've known each other forever and we're just hanging out.

• 17:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, you guys are just doing chest bumps and high fiving.

• 17:24Conan O'Brien?

  Miller Lite is great taste done right. Go to millerlite.com/conan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. 'Tis Miller time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

• 17:46Conan O'Brien?

  What about making a mold of your penis?

• 17:50Speaker 07

  Oh my god.

• 17:50Conan O'Brien?

  This is something that I've been experimenting with for a number of years.

• 17:55Speaker 07

  Experimenting with but never achieving? What do you mean?

• 17:58Conan O'Brien?

  No, I make them.

• 17:59Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 18:00Conan O'Brien?

  It's a little bit of a, hey, we all have hobbies. I don't laugh at your hobbies, Sona. I like to make a mold of my penis and then turn it into a volcano, a little model volcano. It's fun.

• 18:13Conan O'Brien?

  Is that just me? I thought everyone did that. Eduardo, you've made some penis molds and turned them into volcanoes? I don't, I don't do that. Yeah. You put little, it's really fun. You put little kind of trees and shrubs and put a little village at the base.

• 18:26Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, there it goes.

• 18:29Conan O'Brien?

  I apologize.

• 18:31Speaker 07

  Hold on, hold on.

• 18:31Conan O'Brien?

  I think I broke it.

• 18:32Speaker 07

  Your penis, because I know that voice is your penis.

• 18:35Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 18:35Speaker 07

  Is a volcano, talking in third person about itself erupting?

• 18:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Here I go.

• 18:40Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 18:41Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a volcano. You know when someone has a really lame costume and they just basically say? I'm a witch.

• 18:46Speaker 07

  But I'm also assuming-

• 18:47Conan O'Brien?

  This is my penis saying-

• 18:48Speaker 07

  It's erupting out its mouth, so how's it speaking?

• 18:51Conan O'Brien?

  First of all, it's like a ventriloquist, so it can drink a glass of water and speak at the same time. And bubble lava? My penis often tours with a little dummy. And it can drink a glass of water or shoot lava as it's having the dummy say funny stuff. Anyway, again, this isn't where I thought this would go.

• 19:10Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 19:11Conan O'Brien?

  Back to Shrewsbury. Now, Shrew-

• 19:14Speaker 01

  Oh boo!

• 19:15Conan O'Brien?

  They have a good mall there.

• 19:16Speaker 06

  Yes, please.

• 19:17Speaker 07

  Man.

• 19:18Conan O'Brien?

  Um, okay. So, when people call you for advice, are they very forthcoming about their penis? Are they comfortable talking about the size of their penis?

• 19:28Speaker 06

  Uh, it's a lot of hushed tones, a lot of, I'm able to tell that they're either in the bathroom at work taking the call, or sneaking off into a corner.

• 19:38Conan O'Brien?

  Pete, great if they just took it with a bunch of people there. Yeah, hold on a second, gang. What's that? No, no, no, it needs to be really small. Or it'll fall off! No, no, I'm off the charts small. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine, that's fine right there, yeah. More potato salad on my plate, thank you.

• 19:55Speaker 07

  I'm confused, do you have like a hotline? How is this call being facilitated? You do?

• 20:00Speaker 06

  Yeah, one condom hotline.

• 20:02Speaker 07

  Wow.

• 20:02Speaker 06

  Yeah, I'm the size specialist, I am the resident size specialist.

• 20:05Speaker 07

  Oh, this is amazing, okay.

• 20:06Conan O'Brien?

  When someone's telling you, uh, do you find that people lie even though it might hurt their chances of getting the right product? Do people, they get on the phone with you and they lie? The way, people lie to their doctor all the time when they say, uh, how many drinks do you have in a week? They tend to shave off a bunch of drinks and they should be honest with their doctor because you're talking about their health, but they still lie. Do you find that people call you up and they add a couple of inches? Do you go by inches or do you on the metric system?

• 20:40Speaker 06

  Back and forth, our customers prefer imperial and I like metric, it's just a lot simpler.

• 20:45Conan O'Brien?

  I like metric because it's a bigger number.

• 20:47Speaker 06

  Yeah, exactly.

• 20:48Conan O'Brien?

  It's just so great. You know, I use millimeters just because it's... I got nine millimeters coming your way.

• 20:55Speaker 07

  Nine millimeters?

• 20:56Speaker 01

  Nine!

• 20:57Speaker 07

  That's like a pencil eraser.

• 20:59Conan O'Brien?

  I got the big nine millimeter coming your way, baby. Seventeen nanometers of meat. I've got a hundred and forty-four quintometer.

• 21:10Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 21:11Conan O'Brien?

  No, you get to throw around some big numbers. I can point seven grams of fish food here. I just came from Davos, Switzerland. And I'm packing seventy-five decihecimeters. Okay, listen, I'm being stupid and I apologize. But people lie to you.

• 21:27Speaker 06

  Yes, I mean, I'll get a lot of that. You know, I have a friend or such and such. A lot of people, I think the go-to is they'll say, on a good day, it's this many inches. On a bad day, it's this many. Whereas the good day is like a dream, essentially.

• 21:43Conan O'Brien?

  It's kind of feeling down at the moment. It just had a bad day on the stock market.

• 21:47Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 21:49Conan O'Brien?

  Talk it off the ledge. I went too hard into crypto.

• 21:55Speaker 01

  That's the dick talking again?

• 21:57Conan O'Brien?

  I lost nine point nine centimeters.

• 22:03Conan O'Brien?

  So, yeah, that's crazy, but you can tell when they're lying.

• 22:07Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah, I can, almost the first word out of their mouth, I can basically guess what size they need and whether or not they're telling the truth.

• 22:15Speaker 01

  I was gonna ask you if big dick energy is an actual thing? And then if you like talk to someone on the phone, you're like, oh, yeah, this is a big one. Earl, he's got a little one, that's okay.

• 22:24Conan O'Brien?

  First of all, can women tell?

• 22:26Speaker 01

  Just by like...

• 22:27Conan O'Brien?

  Big dick energy, yeah.

• 22:28Speaker 01

  I mean, I think there's a reason the term exists. You can tell that someone's like comfortable with themselves.

• 22:34Conan O'Brien?

  Right, right, right. They know they're not gonna tip over in a high wind, you know?

• 22:39Speaker 01

  Oh, my God, like it's a tripod. You're saying they're gonna be supportive? Yeah, I think, I think some people...

• 22:45Conan O'Brien?

  I'm quite confident in this high wind. I shall not fall. Oh, my God. Well, anyway, so, so, you can tell, and you just, do you ever walk around like a guy at a, doing a party trick and just call out people's number?

• 23:01Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 23:02Speaker 06

  Yeah, just like this, I just...

• 23:04Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah, you can put on like the old Carson Karnack hat, you know?

• 23:08Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 23:09Conan O'Brien?

  Wow, so well, Sona, you say you can tell.

• 23:12Speaker 01

  Well, I, but he, he's obviously way more educated in this field. He's an expert in this field. I'm just curious if like, when people call and you can tell that they're like bigger or smaller, you could just tell by their voice and the way they're talking and stuff?

• 23:30Speaker 06

  Oh yeah, I mean, like, there's a lot of southern drawls on bigger guys. There's a lot of people driving bulldozers, people driving semi trucks as they're talking to me.

• 23:40Speaker 07

  That's crazy, because I drove a Peterbilt in here the other day.

• 23:42Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 23:43Speaker 07

  And I'll tell you what.

• 23:46Speaker 07

  It was hard to get through the door sometimes. Shit, man.

• 23:50Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I got here quite speedily in my Yugo.

• 23:55Conan O'Brien?

  It's a two cylinder engine. It runs on bubble bath soap.

• 24:06Conan O'Brien?

  My car is in my briefcase as I speak.

• 24:10Conan O'Brien?

  You see me driving along?

• 24:17Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, man, that was fun. Anyway, look, I can joke because I'm quite happy with my situation.

• 24:26Speaker 07

  The lady and I do mean lady, Doc, for just too much.

• 24:29Speaker 01

  I think so.

• 24:30Conan O'Brien?

  What are you talking about?

• 24:31Speaker 07

  Hey, I got something crazy that my first experience with condoms was making blood packs, squibs. Do you guys ever have, because that's what they use for blood packs in movies. Do you ever have movies reach out to you?

• 24:43Conan O'Brien?

  Why are you crying?

• 24:44Speaker 07

  Because I realized.

• 24:46Conan O'Brien?

  You know what I love? I love that I was the guy who was taking us in an unsexy direction. And then Professor Nerds comes over here.

• 24:56Speaker 07

  I stand by it.

• 24:57Conan O'Brien?

  And did you know, it's many of blood packs?

• 25:00Speaker 07

  Is made of a condom. Do you know I didn't go to my eighth grade graduation dance because I figured out how to make blood pack squibs?

• 25:07Speaker 01

  Oh my god. Oh my god.

• 25:10Speaker 07

  That's BDE for you, right there.

• 25:12Speaker 01

  Oh, boy.

• 25:13Conan O'Brien?

  You don't have to answer that one. That's a terrible question.

• 25:15Speaker 07

  You know what? You can answer off air.

• 25:17Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, sure, because I know you're gonna want to. Uh, hey, what do you think is the next? What's the next, uh, advance in condoms? What do you think's coming up? I know there's the heat transfer, but let's look like 10 years in the future.

• 25:29Speaker 07

  Pop rocks.

• 25:30Conan O'Brien?

  Will we even be, yeah, exactly.

• 25:32Speaker 01

  Pop rock.

• 25:32Conan O'Brien?

  Something where, when you, uh, ejaculate, it triggers various, like, fireworks and stuff to stimulate both man and woman, and man and man.

• 25:43Speaker 01

  Or the con-

• 25:43Conan O'Brien?

  Or a woman and woman.

• 25:44Speaker 01

  Okay, or the-

• 25:44Conan O'Brien?

  Or a man and woman.

• 25:45Speaker 01

  Or the, or the condom version of a, of a Viagra pill, where you put the condom on and it-

• 25:51Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, what about that?

• 25:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:53Conan O'Brien?

  That's a great idea.

• 25:54Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 25:54Speaker 06

  That is a common request. We get that very often as a condom with that built into it.

• 25:59Speaker 07

  Wow.

• 26:00Speaker 06

  Tropical solution, yeah.

• 26:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 26:02Speaker 07

  Does that exist?

• 26:03Speaker 06

  I would say they have, like, I think you can, like, rub it on your hand, like, gels and creams. I don't know if they work. That's not something that we get into.

• 26:15Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I think, uh, Sona should be working for you.

• 26:18Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 26:18Conan O'Brien?

  Because she's having great ideas left and right.

• 26:21Speaker 01

  I could-

• 26:21Conan O'Brien?

  I think Matt and I should have nothing to do with this business.

• 26:25Speaker 06

  Um, yeah, I would agree.

• 26:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Uh, I think that's fair. Well, did you have a question for me? I'm an open book, and sometimes our people that call in have questions. You may not.

• 26:35Speaker 06

  Uh, yeah, I was, I wanted to know, do you think that size matters, in general?

• 26:41Conan O'Brien?

  Whoa, uh, well, that would be a question, I think, for the ladies, don't you think?

• 26:46Speaker 01

  I mean, I'm a big proponent of what's what you do with what you've got, so I really, I-

• 26:53Speaker 07

  It seems like size matters more to the man.

• 26:55Speaker 01

  I think so. I think it is. I think it does. It seems like guys are more invested in that than girls are. I don't know. I mean, it's not like we're like, is it big enough? Let's pull out a ruler and just check your girth and your size. It's just, you know, you're in it, you're in it. You know, man, you're just in it. Yeah.

• 27:11Conan O'Brien?

  Good god.

• 27:12Speaker 06

  Sure, yeah.

• 27:12Speaker 07

  I think all our licenses have been revoked for erotic conversations today, so we've learned that.

• 27:18Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I mean, you know, I don't know about these matters. I'm famously out of touch with my own body and I very tightly wound and repressed.

• 27:29Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 27:29Conan O'Brien?

  So I shouldn't even be speaking to you right now. In fact, I passed out a while ago.

• 27:35Speaker 06

  This is an AI Conan taking over.

• 27:37Conan O'Brien?

  This is an AI Conan took over. And the real Conan is at, was it a hospital? He's at a UCLA facility. He's being worked on right now. They're trying to resuscitate him.

• 27:46Speaker 07

  I do feel like we could do an hour with you, Noah.

• 27:48Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, we really could. You're a lot of fun to talk to and it's a very, but guess what? Like so many things, yes, there's a lot of jokes to be made and we've all had our fun. Tee hee hee, but you're helping people. And I was gonna say you're doing the Lord's work. I don't think that's the right thing to say.

• 28:06Speaker 06

  He is in many ways.

• 28:06Conan O'Brien?

  But you know.

• 28:07Speaker 07

  I mean, while the Lord makes the poo poo poo poo peas and he's helping the poo peas.

• 28:12Conan O'Brien?

  Why do you keep calling him poo poo?

• 28:13Speaker 07

  He's shutting off the tap.

• 28:15Speaker 01

  Oh, I see what you're saying, but you're looking at it from like, that's the only reason you do it, wouldn't you know? You could do it for other things.

• 28:22Conan O'Brien?

  No, no.

• 28:23Speaker 01

  You have to shut off the tap.

• 28:23Conan O'Brien?

  Cannot be for pleasure.

• 28:24Speaker 01

  What, Conan?

• 28:25Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 28:26Speaker 01

  Sure I can.

• 28:27Conan O'Brien?

  It's only procreation.

• 28:28Speaker 01

  Oh, boy. Okay.

• 28:30Speaker 07

  It's a two timers club over here.

• 28:35Conan O'Brien?

  I've had sex twice. Bingo, both times.

• 28:38Speaker 01

  Two timers club. Oh, my God.

• 28:41Conan O'Brien?

  Well, listen, Noah, seriously, you are helping people and it's a very, and you, you know what? I've always found no matter what someone does, if they take it seriously and they're really knowledgeable about it, it's fascinating.

• 28:53Speaker 07

  It really is.

• 28:54Conan O'Brien?

  And so now back to Shrewsbury.

• 28:58Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 28:59Speaker 07

  Okay, that's all the time we got for today.

• 29:01Conan O'Brien?

  You just put a condom on the eroticism of this podcast. Would you say there, Noah?

• 29:06Speaker 06

  I said I can do an hour on Shrewsbury, easy.

• 29:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I think that would have been even more sensual, actually, if you'd been to Shrewsbury, you know what I'm talking about. Noah, so cool to talk to you and thanks so much for reaching out to us. That's very cool.

• 29:22Speaker 06

  A pleasure. Thank you for having me. It's so nice to meet you all.

• 29:25Conan O'Brien?

  Nice to meet you too. What a lovely fellow.

• 29:27Speaker 01

  I know.

• 29:28Conan O'Brien?

  Thank you, Noah.

• 29:47Speaker 07

  Supervising producer Aaron Blair, associate talent producer Jennifer Samples, associate producers Sean Dougherty and Lisa Berman, engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

• 30:17Conan O'Brien?

  Technology can generate salary recommendations in seconds, but building an offer that lands skilled talent, that takes more than just an estimate you came up with.

• 30:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're right.

• 30:26Conan O'Brien?

  That's where Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide can help.

• 30:30Speaker 01

  That's good.

• 30:31Conan O'Brien?

  Did we use a salary guide with you, Sona?

• 30:32Speaker 01

  Uh, no, but maybe-

• 30:34Conan O'Brien?

  For several years, I just gave you groceries, remember?

• 30:36Speaker 01

  I know, yeah, I remember that. That was not good.

• 30:39Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, well, anyway, now you got Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide. As a staffing firm placing talent every day, Robert Half combines compensation data with the experience of local recruiters. You can hire with the confidence that comes from experience. The new Robert Half Salary Guide is here. Visit roberthalf.com/salaryguide.

• 31:00Conan O'Brien?

  When you hear Alka-Seltzer, you probably think heartburn, right? Yep. Well, did you know Alka-Seltzer has a line of cold and flu medications known as Alka-Seltzer Cold? Ooh. Did you know that, David? No, but I feel like we need it. Why didn't you know that, David? I know, you expect me to know everything. I knew this because I- Did you? Yeah, I've tried it, it's really good, and I like that fizzy, fizzy, fizzy when you drop the Alka-Seltzer Cold into the water. You do, yeah. Alka-Seltzer Cold: Fast Dissolves Tablets Are Designed to Deliver Cold and Flu Relief Fast. Just drop the two tablets in water and hear those bubbles bursting into action, ready to work faster than pills. Bubbles faster than pills. Pills take time to dissolve, not bubbles. Next time a cold or flu strikes, quick! Alka-Seltzer Cold: Nothing works faster

• 31:43Conan O'Brien?

  for cold and flu symptom relief. Among oral products, use as directed.