Defy Social Norms, Overcome Failure, and Become Who You Were Always Meant to Be w/ Lisa Bilyeu EP 1265

Our guest today is Lisa Bilyeu. She co-founded Quest Nutrition, which grew 57,000 percent in its first three years. She is also the co-founder and president of Impact Theory Studios, a revolutionary, digital-first studio, that produces wildly entertaining, original content focusing on themes of empowerment. Throughout her career, Lisa has created a slate of content that has been viewed over half a billion times and by overseeing all in-house content development at Impact Theory, she, along with her husband, have built a global audience of over 7.5 million. As host of her digital series “Women of Impact,” Lisa spends her days having real, uncensored conversations with the most inspiring women. Here new book, Radical Confidence: 10 No-BS Lessons on Becoming the Hero of Your Own Life, shares her story of how she became the hero of her own life. In this episode, you will learn:How to increase your inner confidence. How to overcome stage fright. How to pull yourself out of feeling stuck. How to confront and overcome failure. For more, go to: lewishowes.com/1265Get Lisa's new book: Radical Confidence: 10 No-BS Lessons on Becoming the Hero of Your Own LifeJoin Lisa's live event on May 14th: https://www.radicalconfidence.com/registration Tamera Mowry on Reinventing Yourself: EP 1189Evy Poumpouras on Commanding Authority: EP 1092 Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lisa Bilyeu?

  Because let's face it, failure freaking stings, no matter how much, right? No matter how successful you are, failure still stings. And so making sure.

• 0:09Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:32Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back everyone to School of Greatness. I'm very excited about our guest, the larger than life, Lisa Bilyeu. Good to see you.

• 0:39Lisa Bilyeu?

  I'm so excited.

• 0:41Lewis Howes?

  I'm very excited that you're here. You've got a new book called Radical Confidence. And I want to start by asking you a question about your relationship. Because you and Tom are amazing people, an amazing couple. And you have content out there about relationships on your show. And I'm curious, because you've been together for what, 20 years now?

• 1:02Lisa Bilyeu?

  We're about to have a 20 year wedding anniversary.

• 1:04Lewis Howes?

  20 year wedding anniversary.

• 1:05Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, so we've been together for 22 years.

• 1:06Lewis Howes?

  22 years, but when you first got together, neither of you had a big platform. You didn't have lots of money. There wasn't a big company. There wasn't a big exit. There was none of this. There was just you two, connected, you know, living your lives in love, chasing dreams. And I'm curious about this. Has the massive success for both of you, or either one of you, tested the relationship in a big way? Or has the money, the followers, the notoriety, the accomplishments done nothing to affect or test the relationship?

• 1:46Lisa Bilyeu?

  Oh, that's such a great question. So here's the thing, I think any evolution is a test. So whether it's on a grand scale of you're building a following, you're building a business, or just, hey, you've got a different job. Like, everything like that becomes a how are we going to maneuver this situation because it's different to what we used to. So we've kind of done that all along the way from the point of like my dad saying no to Tom, asking him if he could marry me.

• 2:10Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 2:10Lisa Bilyeu?

  Okay, well, what does that look like going against the family, going against my culture, marrying someone that's outside of the Greek Orthodox um religion? So like every step of the way, of course, it's absolutely been a challenge. Um me starting my own show, I was always behind the scenes. I was like, so I went from the supportive wife staying at home for eight years. Then I went to, I'll help you with this small startup company called Quest Nutrition. And I was like, I'll just help, babe. I'm a good supportive wife. What we didn't expect is it grew at fifty seven thousand percent. So in that growth, I started off as I'm just gonna help to now I'm a full-time pledged like building out our shipping department.

• 2:49Lisa Bilyeu?

  That transition of me taking care of him day in, day out, I mean, literally, he'd wake up, his gym clothes were next to him, he'd go to the gym. His work clothes would were outside the bath, so that when he got out the shower, they were ready. He would go to work, I'd had to hand him a lunch, he'd come home, his dinner was ready. He didn't have to think about anything. And then I start Quest or we start Quest and now I'm full-time at Quest and trying to be a great stay-at-home wife. That navigation, I'm sure you know many people, we all try and do everything.

• 3:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 3:19Lisa Bilyeu?

  So first of all, I tried to navigate, how do I do it both perfectly?

• 3:22Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's not possible. It's not possible to be one perfect, really, yeah.

• 3:26Lisa Bilyeu?

  You don't do nothing perfect. So that's what happened. I ended up failing, feeling like I wasn't being a great housewife. Being a great supportive wife and I wasn't actually crushing it at work. So I had to make a choice. Do I stay at home or do I take entrepreneurship? And I decided I loved exploring what I was made of, what I could do. So it's like, I wanna work every day. So now back to your question, how the hell do I communicate with the love of my life? That while I love him more than life itself, I don't wanna take care of him anymore. I don't wanna cook for him anymore. I don't wanna put his clothes out. Like, it is not fulfilling. And that was one of, I think, our biggest tests that we had. And so it was how we handled that, how I came into the conversation, how we really sat down and just said, let's just communicate.

• 4:11Lisa Bilyeu?

  This isn't about me doing something wrong, about you doing something wrong. This is just about emotions and feelings. And so how do I go in this conversation and let him know how I'm feeling? Cause I'm the one changing. I recognize I was the one that had gone from, hey, I'm gonna support you to now, I don't really wanna take care of you at all.

• 4:31Lewis Howes?

  Well, not in those ways.

• 4:34Lewis Howes?

  We would take care of in other ways by connection, intimacy and love and affection, but not.

• 4:39Lisa Bilyeu?

  In the materialistic, your clothes are gonna be put out, things like that. So we had to, like, it was a, you know, a learning.

• 4:45Lewis Howes?

  How long did that take until you felt like you were in a flow and a rhythm where he was fully in acceptance of that new role that you wanted to live into?

• 4:56Lisa Bilyeu?

  So here's the thing, Lewis, I think it always comes with, we have to accept it first. And I was trying to do both.

• 5:02Lewis Howes?

  Oh, interesting, yeah.

• 5:03Lisa Bilyeu?

  And until I could accept, Lisa, you have to make a choice. There's no right or wrong, but you have to make a choice right now because you're not doing anything great. And you're feeling like that anxiousness where you're trying to do everything, it's just not serving you and not serving your goals. So the first step was, how do I communicate this with Tom? So I kind of sat back and I said, what would I want him to say to me? So I'm changing the game. I'm now saying to him, hey, you know, when we got married, I said I wanted four children and I would take care of you. I now want zero children and I don't want to take care of you when it comes to food and things like that. So I had to recognize I was changing the game.

• 5:40Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 5:41Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so what would I want someone to say to me if it was the other way around?

• 5:44Lewis Howes?

  You're changing essentially the ground rules, essentially you said, I'm committing and promising to this lifestyle, let's say. I want kids, I wanna be supportive and take care of you in this certain way. And that's what he signed up for.

• 5:57Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 5:59Lewis Howes?

  Right? And that's what you signed up for.

• 6:00Lisa Bilyeu?

  A hundred percent.

• 6:01Lewis Howes?

  Not saying you can't do that, but what, how, how does someone have that conversation? Whether, you know, anyone in that relationship, you know, I said I wanted this before marriage. But now actually I want something completely opposite.

• 6:11Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, I love this question so much. So it's the first thing, give the gift that you would want. So for me, I would just want some, I would want Tom to come in and recognize that he's the one changing. Cause there's some psychological trick, you know, when someone comes in, it's like, oh, I'm changing, you got a problem now? What do you mean you got a problem with that? Like, there's that like, hang on a minute, you're kind of pushing me into a corner here.

• 6:31Lewis Howes?

  If he brought this to you and said, I want something different, you mean?

• 6:34Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, I would want him to say, hey babe, I recognize I'm the one changing. There's gonna be a change here, how do we do it together? Versus, I'm changing and now you have to deal with it.

• 6:45Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 6:45Lisa Bilyeu?

  So I said, okay, first step is recognize I'm the one changing.

• 6:49Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 6:50Lisa Bilyeu?

  Then go in and give him grace and space to have a have feelings about it.

• 6:54Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 6:55Lisa Bilyeu?

  Like, he may hate it, he may, it may really upset him. But I can't control that. I need to give him the space to have that feeling.

• 7:02Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 7:02Lisa Bilyeu?

  So I sat down, I said, okay, babe, I recognize I'm changing, but this is making me so happy.

• 7:09Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 7:10Lisa Bilyeu?

  I didn't voice how unhappy I was. That's on me, that's not him.

• 7:13Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 7:14Lisa Bilyeu?

  I didn't voice how unhappy I was for eight years. But now I've recognized how unhappy I am because I've realized what I'm made of. You know, starting quest and being a part of it and learning all these new skills, like it lights me up.

• 7:27Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 7:28Lisa Bilyeu?

  And now I've seen the light. I can't go backwards.

• 7:31Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 7:32Lisa Bilyeu?

  And.

• 7:32Lewis Howes?

  What would you say you were on a scale of one to ten, let's call it the self-love scale? Before you made that decision and had that conversation with Tom? One being you didn't love yourself or have any confidence, ten being you had a lot of self-love and a lot of confidence. And inner peace, where would you have been on that scale?

• 7:50Lisa Bilyeu?

  A one?

• 7:51Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 7:52Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, oh, my confidence was ridiculous. I, even as I'm telling you this, it's not that I had the confidence to say it. That's what radical confidence is all about. It's like, look, you may not feel amazing, you may not feel confident in this thing. But in order to get to what you want in life, you have to take that step forward. And we all focus on wanting to feel great about doing something. And I just say, I'm not gonna wait to feel great. So right now, I know I have to have this conversation with Tom.

• 8:20Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 8:21Lisa Bilyeu?

  I don't feel confident about having it, but I have the radical confidence, which means I need to have a game plan. I need to go in, I really need to think about it. I need to have steps of what I'm going to say. Create words around it so that when I'm there, even if I don't have the confidence, I can still have the conversation.

• 8:39Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 8:39Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so that's what I did. I literally went in and said, give the man grace to have his feelings. Give him space to voice his opinion, express to him that I was unhappy and I never said that to him.

• 8:49Lewis Howes?

  Right, so it wasn't on him.

• 8:51Lisa Bilyeu?

  Correct.

• 8:51Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 8:52Lisa Bilyeu?

  And then say why I'm making the change. And so I was like, this new entrepreneurship thing, babe. I was like, I've never felt so alive. I was like, I never felt so alive. I can't believe this is my life. And so as I'm telling him this whole story of how I'm feeling, I was like, look, I recognize I'm changing. So right now you're used to me putting your clothes out for you to cook him every meal. So in order to show you the respect that I'm changing, and that is gonna be a difficult transition, there's always a transition. Why don't I wean you off?

• 9:24Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 9:25Lisa Bilyeu?

  Me taking care of you.

• 9:26Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 9:27Lisa Bilyeu?

  So we created a game plan. He's like, what do you mean? And I was like, well, next week, I'll just do six days a week instead of seven.

• 9:34Lewis Howes?

  And then five.

• 9:34Lisa Bilyeu?

  The week after, I'll do five, then the week after I'll do four, then the week after I'll do three, and then babe, because I, this is my language. I wanna feel like an amazing wife. I want to cook for you on Saturdays and Sundays. So he was like, okay, that sounds good. If it's difficult along the way, I'll voice my opinion. Yeah. So I was like, absolutely. Now we got to the point where I was doing laundry like once a month. Cause I was just like, it's not important. I spent eight years of my life focused on, do these socks match? Like that was, I was filling my days with tiny distractions about laundry, about going to Costco, about fricking matching socks. And so now I'm like, I don't care. It's not gonna move my life forward. And so making that decision, telling him, I don't fricking care if you've got clean underwear or not.

• 10:20Lisa Bilyeu?

  Ended up preparing us for the day where he was like, oh, I don't have any clean underwear. Guess I'm going commando. And so he goes to work commando, cause he's like, what's more important, a happy wife or a little discomfort?

• 10:32Lewis Howes?

  Was there ever a time in the first year or two of the marriage? And in this agreement that you, you know, commitment that you made, I guess, that this is the vision you had for the marriage? Where you were happier doing these things, where you were happy? Being that role that you wanted to be in, or thought you wanted to be in.

• 10:50Lisa Bilyeu?

  No.

• 10:51Lewis Howes?

  Never.

• 10:51Lisa Bilyeu?

  So here was what happened. When we first started, it was like, we both wanted to make movies. We'd both have jobs in films. And I, I was on set one day and I had an actor throw a matchbox at me in anger. Because I was holding out for the props department and I hadn't had, I didn't have another matchbox to replace it. And so he literally throws a matchbox at me and I was like, I'm filling in. Like, you don't disrespect people like that. I literally don't care who you are. You don't disrespect people like that. I don't deserve that. And so I went home and I, my heart was broken. Tom had a really bad experience in film as well. So we came to the conclusion, let's just make our own money. Look, it should be easy, right? Let's just go out. Let's make enough money for a month, a year and a half, and then we'll make our own film.

• 11:34Lewis Howes?

  You mean, start your own business?

• 11:35Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, right. Back then, it was like, we didn't even know, like, we didn't even have that word. It was like, let's just try and make enough money. So what we did in that moment is we said, cool, let's look at the world at large. Who are the most successful people and how do they live their lives? And what Tom had just read an article with Steve Jobs, where he talks about always wearing the same shirt, like, black. Because he's like, he doesn't want to freaking make one, spend one decision making on what he's going to wear. Because, you know, we all have a certain amount of decision making we can make in a day with clarity. So, we were like, ah, what if I'm like your black shirt, your version of your black shirt? I'll make all decisions. I'll make all decisions outside of work. You go focus on work, and this is how we're gonna make a lot of money in a year and a half.

• 12:18Lisa Bilyeu?

  So we pinky swore, it was like a deal. It was like, I can handle that. I can cook and clean for a year and a half. Because it was all in the bigger service of making movies. And here's the thing, how many of us get stuck in a pattern? How many of us get used to a certain way of doing life? And the mindset that we tell ourselves, I should be doing this. And my upbringing, being a Greek Orthodox, I fell into a habit that my parents told me I would fall into, in the sense of, my dad said, you're gonna be a stay-at-home wife. I don't care what you're studying at university, you're gonna be a home wi- a stay-at-home wife in a way.

• 12:52Lewis Howes?

  Right. Eventually, you're gonna play that role, yeah.

• 12:54Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah. So like, these small, subliminal messages that I got from my dad, that I got from my grandmother, that I got from every which way growing up, that being a Greek woman meant I was going to be a stay-at-home wife. When I found myself in that position, I started to find ways that I could self-soothe.

• 13:12Lewis Howes?

  What were those self-soothing ways?

• 13:13Lisa Bilyeu?

  It becomes distractions. So I kept telling myself, it's for the greater good, Lisa, it's the greater good. It's just for a year and a half, it's for the greater good. You know.

• 13:22Lewis Howes?

  That turns into eight years.

• 13:23Lisa Bilyeu?

  That turns into eight years because and I don't know about you, but do you play poker?

• 13:29Lewis Howes?

  Sometimes.

• 13:29Lisa Bilyeu?

  Okay, but you know, like the phrase pot committed.

• 13:31Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 13:33Lisa Bilyeu?

  You've already invested enough money and you're like, well, I do have enough money for another hand. But God, I've put so much money into it. Screw it. Might as well put it all in, even if your hand's bad.

• 13:43Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 13:43Lisa Bilyeu?

  Because you're like, well, I'm pot committed. I did that every single year. So Tom kept coming home. He kept saying, babe, I just need another year and a half. I start remember, start feeling like, well, I'm the good supportive wife. Of course, babe, of course, babe. So I'm so reassuring myself emotionally that I'm the good supportive wife. Of course, it's just for another year and a half. I'm self-soothing by telling myself it's just another year and a half. And anytime I think, should we really be doing this? I start using the idea that well, you've come this far. You can't fail now, but you're pot committed, Lisa. I literally wanna like punch myself in the face. Because when I think about how many more years I spent doing something that I wasn't satisfied in, that I was unhappy.

• 14:27Lisa Bilyeu?

  Because I'd already spent so many years, like that's such a, oh, it's a heartbreaking mindset.

• 14:33Lewis Howes?

  So it wasn't like it was his fault or something for saying, this is what I'm looking to do. And you've been amazing. Thank you for supporting me. This is what you said you were gonna do anyways. So this is working out in his mind, right?

• 14:44Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 14:44Lewis Howes?

  But for you, you were realizing you're at a one or a two, maybe on a good day, most of those years on self-love, self-confidence, right?

• 14:52Lisa Bilyeu?

  A hundred percent.

• 14:53Lewis Howes?

  So it wasn't until you spoke up, really.

• 14:54Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, it was all me, a hundred percent. And here's the thing, I always thought, how on earth can I say I'm not, I need a new life? Or I need a different life? Like, how ungrateful am I right now? When my husband's going out.

• 15:07Lewis Howes?

  Busted his butt every day.

• 15:08Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, but I didn't have to work. I was a stay-at-home support. Like, I had, when I think about the world and how much hardship there is on certain people. How ungrateful am I to ask for more, Lewis? And here's the thing that I'm really finding struggling with with gratitude. I use gratitude every day to self-soothe. I've got a roof over my head, how lucky am I? I've got a husband that loves me, how lucky am I? And at the same time, anytime I thought of moments where of unhappiness, I kept using the gratitude and it kept me there.

• 15:39Lewis Howes?

  Kept you staying there.

• 15:40Lisa Bilyeu?

  Kept me there for eight years.

• 15:41Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 15:42Lisa Bilyeu?

  So like that really like haunts me because I think gratitude can be amazing. I think it puts a a new perspective on your life, right? If you're feeling like, why me? You know, you've got a victim mentality. I think thinking of um the positive is a beautiful way of reframing things. Of saying, yes, this is going terribly in my life, but look at all this amazing stuff. But it also can absolutely derail you from asking for a better life.

• 16:07Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 16:08Lisa Bilyeu?

  And what I realized after my entire journey and even writing this book is you can be absolutely in love with certain parts of your life. You can be head over heels in a relationship and freaking hate your business.

• 16:19Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 16:20Lisa Bilyeu?

  And you have every right to ask for more. You have every right to want more. And I didn't think I did, and I didn't think I deserved to. And so for eight years, I was just waiting for when. I was waiting for when my husband was happy.

• 16:35Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 16:36Lisa Bilyeu?

  When we made enough money, when I felt confident enough to speak up about my unhappiness. And as we all know, the when sometimes never comes.

• 16:45Lewis Howes?

  Right. What sounds to me like there was no mission that you had.

• 16:49Lisa Bilyeu?

  No mission.

• 16:49Lewis Howes?

  It was like, okay, I'm here to do this supportive role, but there wasn't a a mission or a purpose moving forward, like there wasn't kids in the future, there wasn't something you were building together is what I'm hearing, right?

• 17:01Lisa Bilyeu?

  Well, we were building something together and I think that that's that's the problem is that we can convince ourselves we're still moving towards that goal. And so for eight years, I kept convincing myself, but Lisa, you're still moving towards the goal. You're earning more money, you're earning more money. One day you'll be able to make movies. And that's, I think, where the problem lies.

• 17:21Lewis Howes?

  Right. So it was all for the fact of making a movie together, eventually. Interesting. What do you wish you would have told yourself every night to check in or assess the conversations you needed to be having differently?

• 17:34Lisa Bilyeu?

  That you don't need to have confidence to speak up and say what you really want in life. Like, confidence is like the byproduct. It's like, you're really freaking scared about doing something. You try it, you flip, you fail, you fall on your face, you embarrass yourself, you learn the lesson, you pick yourself back up and you know, you like rinse and repeat and you keep going. And as you keep going, as you keep falling on the floor, getting yourself back up, learning the lesson, you build competence. Once you get the competence, then you slowly get the confidence. So the confidence comes afterwards. And what I was waiting for is I was waiting to feel good about myself. I was waiting for that freaking negative voice in my head. I literally was waiting for her to stop talking. I was waiting for her to be nicer. And what I didn't realize is it wasn't coming.

• 18:17Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so I had to do it anyway. But to my point is, telling someone, yeah, I know you're scared, but do it anyway. It doesn't help. When you've got anxiety, when you're depressed, when you're like really in your own head, telling someone to do something doesn't help.

• 18:31Lewis Howes?

  What should you tell them instead?

• 18:32Lisa Bilyeu?

  You need a game plan. You need to step back and actually think about things. So the um the analogy I kind of use, I'm not the analogy, but the example I use is when I was going to step on stage for the first time. I've seen you, Mel Robbins, my husband, Ed Milat, like, you guys are amazing.

• 18:49Lewis Howes?

  When was this first time? Do you remember?

• 18:51Lisa Bilyeu?

  So this was probably four years ago. Maybe three and a half.

• 18:56Lewis Howes?

  Which event was this?

• 18:57Lisa Bilyeu?

  Well, so I kept getting asked to get on stage. And I was like, are you joking? Like, why would I ever do that? It looks like it's the most scariest thing on the world.

• 19:06Lewis Howes?

  It's terrifying. If you've never done it, like, I remember when I first started, it was terrifying for years.

• 19:12Lisa Bilyeu?

  But why would you do it then, Lewis? It's like, that's how I felt.

• 19:16Lewis Howes?

  Well, I did it because I had a meaningful mission. I had a mission that I wanted to serve and impact people and be of service to helping people improve. And I knew that I needed to use my voice in some way, whether it be, you know, I wasn't a movie maker, so that could be a way of expressing yourself. I was like, I'm not that great of a writer. I gotta learn how to speak and communicate a message. So that's what, when I started.

• 19:38Lisa Bilyeu?

  Okay, I love that so much. Now, here's the thing, seeing someone like you on stage, seeing someone like my husband on stage when you've got the mission is amazing. But even if I have the mission, how do I actually step on stage?

• 19:51Lewis Howes?

  I know, it's hard.

• 19:51Lisa Bilyeu?

  It's so scary. And so telling people, well, just do it, or like, it's terrifying, but you'll figure it out. It didn't help me. And so I said, I think I'm like so many other people because I can't just do it. And so I had to have a game plan. That's what I call radical confidence. So I stepped back and I said, all right. So in fact, Tom was the first one that said to me, Lisa, babe, you keep saying, like, we, at this point, we had a mission. We've built Impact Theory and our mission is to impact people. So he's like, you realize that you keep saying no to these speaking gigs and you realize it's getting in the way of the mission that you said to impact. He's like, no pressure, it's your life, but I just, as your partner, I'm gonna be honest with you. So I had to sit back and I was like, all right. Stepping on stage, would that serve my mission? Yes or no? Yes. Okay.

• 20:35Lisa Bilyeu?

  Not stepping on stage, why am I not doing it? Because I'm petrified. All right. With no judgment now, what is more important? My ego or my goals?

• 20:45Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 20:46Lisa Bilyeu?

  That's it. Just ask yourself, no judgment. It's not about other people. You don't have to ever get on stage, Lisa. This isn't about other people and how good everyone else is and how much other people can step on stage. This is just about you looking nakedly at the situation and making a decision. So I said, Impact is more important than my ego.

• 21:04Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 21:05Lisa Bilyeu?

  Okay, great. How do I use that to now step on stage? Okay, I've got my North Star. What is the voice in my head so worried about? Like, let the ego speak. What is it worried about? At least you don't know what the hell you're gonna do on stage. All right, ego, actually, you're right. So I call it, I have a chapter, it's like turn your negative voice from your bitch to your BFF. Because it's like she would be crippling. And now I treat it like my best friend. How can I listen to her like a friend? I know what you're saying, it's very nice, but as a friend, you want what's best for me. So tell me, what am I, what, what do I need to know? You're gonna get a stage, you have no idea what you're doing. Okay, great. The ne- the, the negative voice is telling me to prepare. I better freaking prepare. So I sat down, I had coaching sessions for my husband, I booked time with him. I was like, all right, babe, I need you to coach me.

• 21:47Lisa Bilyeu?

  Help me. I did my speech, I read it in front of him. I kept booking meetings with him where I'd read to him in real time. I then had my whole team there where I was practicing. So now I'm allowing the negative voice in my head, the thing that my ego that is worried I'm gonna embarrass myself, that is worried that I'm gonna be shameful, that I'm gonna fall on my face. I'm letting her speak, I'm taking the message, I'm learning the lesson and I'm using it. So, okay, great, practice, amazing. Next thing, what is the negative voice saying? Even if you're prepared, how on earth are you gonna step on stage? Because you've got imposter syndrome. Okay, great. What are the tools I can get and put on or use to my advantage? Because I know I need my emotions to boost me on stage. All right, instead of just saying do it anyway, come up with a game plan.

• 22:31Lisa Bilyeu?

  Number one, I know music empowers me. Put on Destiny's Child, I'm a survivor, and I dare anyone at home to not feel the fire lit up under their butt. So number one, find a song, find your ga- uh, your hype song. So I had my song ready. Had, what do you, what happens when you give a kid a cape, Lewis?

• 22:51Lewis Howes?

  They act like a superhero.

• 22:52Lisa Bilyeu?

  Immediately, right? They got the fist in the air. As kids, we associate clothing with how we feel. Think symbols, but we don't do that as adults. Well, look at my hair.

• 23:04Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 23:04Lisa Bilyeu?

  Look at my neck, my Wonder Woman necklace. Even this watch which you guys mentioned when I first sat, it's kinda like my Wonder Woman cuffs.

• 23:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 23:12Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so what I do is I have a uniform. And I lean into it. This isn't accidental. Every time I put on this cheapy Wonder Woman necklace for like a month. Every time I would put it on, I would repeat to myself, you're a badass like Wonder Woman. Repetition creates habit. So what I ended up doing is creating, created a habit. Of every time now I put this on, I'm telling myself a message.

• 23:35Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 23:36Lisa Bilyeu?

  So I leant into all of these things.

• 23:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 23:38Lisa Bilyeu?

  And I was like, what's your uniform to go on stage? So now I've got my uniform, I've got my hair, and then the final thing is my bad bitch boots.

• 23:47Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 23:48Lisa Bilyeu?

  So these are knee, these are knee high boots that I didn't accidentally call them bad boots. I deliberately gave them a name that every time I would put them on would make me feel a certain way. You do this leading up to the event. Well, it doesn't have to be boots, it can be anything. But every time I did, I would zip them up, Lewis, and I would be like, yeah, my bad.

• 24:08Lewis Howes?

  I like that.

• 24:09Lisa Bilyeu?

  So that as I'm getting dressed to go on stage, what am I telling myself automatically now as I'm getting ready? I've got my Wonder Woman necklace, I've got my bad boots on, I've got my hype song with, you know, that I'm listening to on stage. And then the final little like, little things that I did was I set an alarm in my phone. Any motivating alarm that you want. I closed my eyes, I did, you've got this with like a little emoji. And I closed my eyes and I spun it. And for a month, I had it go off at random times. Now, sometimes it's obviously inappropriate times, it's in the middle of a meeting or an interview. But literally, it would be random moments, because what I wanted to do is subliminally tell myself at any moment, catch me off card, that I got this.

• 24:54Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 24:55Lisa Bilyeu?

  So that when I'm going on stage, it, none of it was by accident. I needed the game plan. Now, the final thing was, I let the voice speak, and the voice was saying, but what if you freeze?

• 25:06Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 25:07Lisa Bilyeu?

  You've seen it, I've seen it so many times, where someone's on stage and they mess up and they freeze, you feel uncomfortable for them.

• 25:14Lewis Howes?

  About, yeah.

• 25:15Lisa Bilyeu?

  It's so heartbreaking. So I was like, I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna make like, that would be really heartbreaking for me. So come up with a game plan. You've heard the thing that you're worried about. Now find something else to do in order to mitigate that. So I was like, alright, what can I do? Kids, when they fall on the floor, what do they do? They look at their parent to like kinda see, should I be crying right now or am I okay? You know, and the parent, if the parent's chill, the kid's like, okay, I'm fine. So they all look to you. So I said, if I'm nervous, if I'm tense, and of course everyone else is gonna be tense. So I needed a game plan, but if I froze, what am I gonna do? I said to myself, Lisa, laugh. That was it. Just laugh at your mistake.

• 25:57Lisa Bilyeu?

  I don't know how I'm gonna laugh or why I'm gonna laugh, but that was my instruction. Just start laughing at your mistake. Because everyone knows you've messed up. So to hide it only makes everyone else more tense. So that was my game plan. I'm gonna laugh. As soon as I get on stage, I'm like three minutes in.

• 26:11Lewis Howes?

  Start laughing.

• 26:12Lisa Bilyeu?

  I tell them, well, I made a huge error. I start telling a story about my um my grandparents. And I say, when my dad gave birth to my grand grandmother, of course, was a massive error. And I was like, well, that would be weird. And I just started laughing. Everyone started laughing too. And I moved on and no one remembered it. Like, everyone else moved on too. So did I give it my best? Because even the serving someone makes me nervous. It's like, what if I didn't? Now I'm just like, yeah, exactly. So even with this book, so when Tom came to me, he, you know, we had the whole thing behind the scenes about like Tom had the book offer and was he gonna take it or not? And then he said, no. Um but then he, they hit Tom up and said, would Lisa be interested in writing a book?

• 26:55Lisa Bilyeu?

  So he comes into my office one day during COVID and he's like, babe, like, they just asked if you wanna write a book.

• 27:00Lewis Howes?

  That's big.

• 27:00Lisa Bilyeu?

  And I was like, I was at my computer. I was like, oh, that's nice. And I went back to typing. And he's like, what do you mean? He's like, babe, did you hear what I just said? Like, they just asked if you wanna write a book. I said, yeah, I just said that's very sweet. Because why are you being so freaking like nonchalant about it? This is a big deal. The words that came out of my now, my mouth was, who would buy a book from me?

• 27:19Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 27:20Lisa Bilyeu?

  And this is a year and a half ago. I've already built a billion dollar company. Impact Theory already has like over half a billion views on our content.

• 27:26Lewis Howes?

  Impact is blowing up, yeah.

• 27:27Lisa Bilyeu?

  All of that. And yet I still had the negative mindset or the negative voice in my head that would that says that. So the great news is I just embrace her now. I'm like, oh, the fourteen year old insecure Lisa is still there. That's amazing. It's okay. I got you. We're gonna do this together. Like, I kind of coached myself. And then I, to your point about like, serving someone, I was so stressed about what if no one, like, what if it doesn't create impact?

• 27:53Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 27:53Lisa Bilyeu?

  And I was like, I have to reframe how I think right now.

• 27:56Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 27:57Lisa Bilyeu?

  Because right now, I think I will hold my identity and my worth to if it actually changes someone's life. So now I'm looking external for the validation. And I was like, that's a dangerous place.

• 28:07Lewis Howes?

  Very dangerous.

• 28:09Lisa Bilyeu?

  So now I have to do the internal work before I even release the book.

• 28:12Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 28:12Lisa Bilyeu?

  What does the internal work look like? All right, number one, did you do your research? You went in as a novice. Don't pretend you know your shit. You went in not knowing what you're doing. You've never written a book before. So go in with the grace that you've never written a book and now research. So I called up a lot of our friends, like, I literally had like ten questions. Mel Robbins, Marie Forleo, like, I'm like, all right, guys, what are the things I don't know? What are the traps I'm about to get into? What's the biggest surprise? What's the most amazing thing? And I just did my research. I made a promise to myself. Cool. Step two, give it your all.

• 28:45Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 28:45Lisa Bilyeu?

  Because if I've given it my all, and we all know, if we've given it our all, right, we can't con ourselves. You may be able to con everyone else. Say, oh my god, I gave it everything. But when you're alone at night, you know whether you actually did give it your all.

• 28:59Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 29:00Lisa Bilyeu?

  So I was like, if I can, when I'm alone, be proud that I gave it every ounce of me. That I didn't make excuses, that I didn't give all the reasons why I didn't show up.

• 29:11Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 29:11Lisa Bilyeu?

  If I know that I gave it everything, I've left it all out on the table. There's nowhere else for me to go. And by golly, I can be proud of that. I went from the person that said, who the hell would buy a book from me? And I fricking wrote a book.

• 29:26Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 29:26Lisa Bilyeu?

  I need to be proud of that.

• 29:27Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 29:28Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so every step of the way, over the year of writing the book, I kept going back to make sure you don't get external validation or your worth tied to the the results of whether this book does well or not. And that's how I've actually coached myself over this last year. I've done the foundation to where you now see me. Where it's like, I've got a book. I don't know if it will do well, but I'm so freaking proud.

• 29:49Lewis Howes?

  That's great.

• 29:50Lisa Bilyeu?

  The last thing, if it totally tanks, you better believe I'm gonna say, oh, why did it tank? Let me take out my book and let me add my little notepad and let me write down all the ways in which I've learned of why it tanked.

• 30:01Lewis Howes?

  Everyone wants to do the thing well that they're doing. So how do they overcome the anxiety or the stress of the results? When they put their life into something.

• 30:11Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, I think it's like you really have to process it beforehand. You have to actually assess what, you know, it's like. People just like, I wanna be successful. I wanna be happy. What does that actually mean? Like, what does success actually mean to you? Like, you have to be so, you have to define it so much, so that you know what that north star is. Because let's say, people are listening, they have a goal in mind. They have to know exactly precisely what that goal is. For me, the goal was write a book that creates impact. Now, look, attach that. I'd love for it to be in New York Times number one. But that is so tan, that is so me looking outside of myself and there's certain element of I can't control it. Right? Of course, you can come in with all the intention. What are my marketing strategies?

• 30:56Lisa Bilyeu?

  How am I gonna do this? Who am I gonna, like, all of that be very intentional. But at the end of the day, no matter how much intention you have, the success is never guaranteed. This was actually something that Tom taught me. He's like, the, the, the struggle is for certain. The results aren't guaranteed. So now, are you enjoying the journey? Are you enjoying the struggle every step? So to your point of reminding yourself, but why did you do this? You needed to get it out of you. And those are the things that I think are very imperative to establish before you get started. Because let's face it, failure freaking stings, no matter how much, right? No matter how successful you are, failure still stings.

• 31:38Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so making sure you don't allow that failure to cripple you, making sure you don't allow that failure to keep you stuck. To me, is my main goal. Like, literally, that is my north star. Whatever you try, Lisa, you cannot um use the success or the failure of it to dictate what you're gonna do next. And so for me, it's like, how do I reframe failure? How do I think of failure? How do we process failure? That's such an important like thing for us, I think, to do. So that if it happens, you're not left not knowing, like not having a strategy and actually thinking it's about you.

• 32:11Lewis Howes?

  Yes. You've got this book coming out, Women of Impact has been crushing, you know, you've been extremely successful independently yourself. With your own identity outside of what it used to be in the marriage, right? Has success, your success tested the relationship?

• 32:28Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yes.

• 32:29Lewis Howes?

  In the last, you know, few years since you've kind of been blowing up now.

• 32:33Lisa Bilyeu?

  So it's interesting, when I, the reason why I said yes is I didn't actually think, realize that you were gonna say saw it like as in popularity. When I was behind the camera and I stepped in, uh, and I stepped in front of the camera like the first or second time. Tom, literally in front of the entire company, he's like, my wife's gonna be bigger than me and I have zero problem with it. He's like, mark my words, he wants it. He's like, he, he doesn't love being in front of the camera, like he's very good at it, but he loves the impact. The camera is just the tool for him. Um, I freaking love like this, just hanging with you and like the idea of creating impact and staring at the camera like this could. Create like, who knows where this can go, right? That is such excitement and beauty to me. So the size and popularity, no.

• 33:15Lisa Bilyeu?

  But when I went from being a housewife who supported him to being an entrepreneur, that was a big struggle for us. Because what happened was when Quest was growing, our first facility was in Compton. And Tom, being very passionate and big brothering for a kid who lived in the inner cities. He said it was very important for us to help the inner city people. So he, when we started Quest, we put out a call and we said, we don't care about your background. We don't care if you've got a, if you're an ex-convict, we don't care. All we care about is who are you today and who are you willing to become? And are you willing to work hard? And that's it. So now we put a call out and so literally we had lines and lines and lines of people that were looking for a job.

• 33:58Lisa Bilyeu?

  So flash forward, Quest grows fifty seven thousand percent. I've now got a facility about ten thousand square feet, forty, four zero employees underneath me within two years. I went from shipping on my living room floor, not knowing how to be a boss, to them forty employees. Now, a lot of them ex-convicts, a lot of them are much bigger than me. Right? They're, they're like your stature.

• 34:20Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 34:21Lisa Bilyeu?

  I'm five foot one, you can like pick me up with your pinky. So what I thought, bad advice, but what I thought I should do is go in there and be aggressive. Because show them you can't be pushed around Lisa. That's the only way I know how and a lot of the female entrepreneurship's back then as well. This is like two thousand and ten ish, eleven, um, were all about. Basically, don't show emotion and you have to be like a dude. And so I went in there going thinking, okay, I'm not gonna get pushed around. And so I'm gonna go there and I'm gonna bark orders and I'm gonna tell them, you know, I'm the stern, you know, you can't push me around. Now, A, you can imagine that didn't motivate any of my team. That was a total disaster. And what that ended up doing, it started to harden me.

• 35:06Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 35:07Lisa Bilyeu?

  And one day, Tom pulled me aside in our person when we got home and he said, babe, I love you, but you're hardening. And you're hardening to a point where now you're bringing this into our relationship. And he said, and look, let's talk about it. I understand why you need to harden because business is tough. So let's actually talk about it. But I wanna talk about the lovely, sweet wife that I miss. And he's like, if you bring too much hardness to our relationship, he's like, it doesn't compute with me. He's like, I love your softness. I love that you care. I love that you have this big heart.

• 35:42Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 35:43Lisa Bilyeu?

  And because you're starting to soften in business, you're starting to lose the softness in our relationship.

• 35:49Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 35:50Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so let's talk about that. And I was like, yeah, that's very fair. I love to be like, I love it when he like wraps me around his arms or like he carries me because my feet are sore. Like, I like, I love the fact that he's six foot, like, I love that about him. And so I was like, oh, you know what? As a relationship, A, you need to have space where your partner can say the truth, even if you don't agree. Like, maybe I I wanna be hard, but I have to give him space to be heard. So I heard him out. And initially I was defending, I was like, but you don't understand why I have to be hard, you know, it's okay for you, you're a guy, people respect you and block, you know, and I gave every reason why. And he's like, babe, I'm not saying like this isn't a a skill set you need to, you need to grow. Of course you do.

• 36:34Lisa Bilyeu?

  You have to, you know, dominance is gonna be very important in business. But how do we navigate, navigate what you're doing in business and our relationship? And so we just started, I was like, okay, that's very fair. When I come home, how do I soften? Because I like to be soft.

• 36:48Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 36:49Lisa Bilyeu?

  So I had to figure out what that strategy was. And so to the strategy that I sort of how on earth I suit up to get on stage, I now do the opposite to soften. So literally, if I wanna be a big ball of mush, which I really do enjoy being around my husband. Um, you've seen me around him, like I'll sit on his lap and whatever. I do the opposite. I take my jewelry off, I put my hair up, I wear Wonder Woman fluffy pajama bottoms. Or like in fact, I wear onesies, we have matching onesies that we wear every Saturday.

• 37:19Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 37:20Lisa Bilyeu?

  And we match onesies because I wanna feel that emotional connection with him on a personal level.

• 37:26Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 37:27Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so to be able to transition with work, your, your, your partner being your business partner for like fifteen years. To how do you keep that spark alive and the romance alive? It's because you need to know how to navigate the two, where your strengths and weaknesses are, what those tactics are that you're going to use. When you need to turn to them, because sometimes I've gone balls to the freaking wall all day in business and I'm like a. You know, I've, I've got hard because all day, all I'm doing is making decisions. And now I come, come home and I've got my husband give, wanting to give me a big squishy hug. How do I transition from one to the other? Knowing how to have a notice tag, testing yourself. You know, what I can say will be different for you, or you know, your listeners at home, but you need to try things.

• 38:12Lisa Bilyeu?

  Like I said, for me, it really was undoing the hair, the makeup, the jewelry, taking deep breaths. Changing the uniform.

• 38:21Lewis Howes?

  How has your mindset shifted? Do you feel like you have created more confidence? Or more self-love or more belief in yourself? As the money started to come for both you and Tom in your life, where, where you really didn't have a lot beforehand. You had some, you were working or he was working, but it wasn't like the amount of wealth that you guys created with Quest.

• 38:41Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 38:42Lewis Howes?

  Impact Theory and everything you guys have built together. How did the accumulation of wealth change your beliefs about yourself?

• 38:50Lisa Bilyeu?

  Oh, that's such a good question. That's such a good question, Lewis. Okay.

• 38:54Lewis Howes?

  You went from an apartment, I'm assuming, to a house, to a bigger house, to, you know, numbering your bank account going way up, to being able to buy things now, lots of great things.

• 39:05Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 39:06Lewis Howes?

  How did that shift?

• 39:07Lisa Bilyeu?

  So, I really thought, when we're successful, when we're rich, I'm gonna feel like it, everything's gonna be okay. Because you look at successful, wealthy people, and you're like, you, at least for me, it can't be for other people. I admire them. Oh my god, look at that watch. Like, look at that thing, right? Like, oh my god.

• 39:25Lewis Howes?

  That car, the house.

• 39:26Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, I'm gonna feel great when I have it. So because you think that about that person, you think that's how you're gonna feel when you get there. So, I'm gonna take you back. Quest is announced as a billion dollar company, but we all know, until you actually make any sales.

• 39:39Lewis Howes?

  You don't make any money.

• 39:40Lisa Bilyeu?

  You literally don't make any money.

• 39:41Lewis Howes?

  Salary and some bonuses, yeah.

• 39:42Lisa Bilyeu?

  Tom and I were still sharing the same Ford Focus with a hole in the exhaust when Quest was announced as a billion dollar company. So everyone thinks you're wealthy, but we literally had, you know, Tom's salary and that was it. So, we go to sell this very small portion of Quest. And so, this, these things take months and months.

• 40:02Lewis Howes?

  How much did you guys, what was the percentage?

• 40:03Lisa Bilyeu?

  Um, I think it was like nine percent at the beginning.

• 40:06Lewis Howes?

  That you guys had total?

• 40:07Lisa Bilyeu?

  No, we sold. So, yeah. So there's three business partners, Tom and then the other.

• 40:11Lewis Howes?

  They split it three ways.

• 40:12Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yes, exactly. So we split like nine percent or something, like eleven percent. I can't remember how much. This was a while ago. Um, so it's a small percent, so you're still taking massive ownership over it, but it was still a hell of a lot of money.

• 40:22Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 40:23Lisa Bilyeu?

  So, now that sort of thing takes months and months and months. So we didn't wanna talk about it, we didn't tell anybody that we were trying to sell a bit, because you never know what's gonna happen. So one day, we hear rumors that today is gonna be the day.

• 40:35Lewis Howes?

  That the money comes in?

• 40:35Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yes.

• 40:36Lewis Howes?

  Like, there's a wire transfer of this much money?

• 40:39Lisa Bilyeu?

  Our Ford Focus is still sitting in the drive.

• 40:41Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 40:42Lisa Bilyeu?

  And we hear these rumors from our finances that the money's about to come in. So we're working in our makeshift garage gym. And in between reps, Tom's like, alright babe, refresh, refresh. No, nothing yet. So we're like, oh, do it. Refresh, refresh. And literally, one button, refresh. Boom, your life changes.

• 41:01Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 41:02Lisa Bilyeu?

  And in that moment, I was like, oh my god! And so we hugged, we took a couple of selfies, and then what did we do, Lewis? We got back up and went back to work.

• 41:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 41:10Lisa Bilyeu?

  And in that moment, because the first of all, I was like, babe, where are you going? Yeah, we're gonna celebrate. He goes, we've gotta get back to work. Our life, our, our mission isn't done.

• 41:16Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 41:17Lisa Bilyeu?

  And I was like, you're right. And in that moment, it was such a beautiful realization. Because we had had a miss- so we were chasing money. We said, stop chasing money. Now let's chase something that's actually predicated on passion, desire and value add. That was question nutrition. So we flipped our mindsets. We stopped chasing money. And in the effort of stop chasing money, it led to us creating money. But because of, we'd already developed a mission, we'd already developed our why. We knew why we were getting out of bed every day. That didn't change just because our bank account did. Now, look, I'm not gonna pretend, it was amazing.

• 41:53Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 41:53Lisa Bilyeu?

  Right? Four, we didn't tell anybody and about two days later or something, we went shopping.

• 41:58Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 41:58Lisa Bilyeu?

  And it was like.

• 42:00Lewis Howes?

  Get whatever you want, yes.

• 42:01Lisa Bilyeu?

  So it was like, get, that's amazing. I'm never gonna bo- BS anyone. It was a dream come true. It was wonderful. But it didn't change how I felt about myself.

• 42:08Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 42:09Lisa Bilyeu?

  It didn't change my mission.

• 42:11Lewis Howes?

  Did you believe you were deserving and worthy of the money?

• 42:13Lisa Bilyeu?

  I don't really think like that. I don't really know what that means because when it says deserving, there were people out there that have harder life than I do. That work harder to provide for their family than I do. So it's hard for me to say deserve. We worked freaking hard for it. We sacrificed. So do I think that it was, you know, well placed, maybe? Sure. You know, it's hard for me to kind of answer that. It really did become a, when you get what you think you want, when you go to bed at night, how do you feel about this stuff? And it was the same. It was just in more expensive bed sheets.

• 42:48Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 42:49Lisa Bilyeu?

  You know, and.

• 42:49Lewis Howes?

  With nicer cars.

• 42:50Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah. The negative voice is still there. The person saying that you're not good is still there. The imposter syndrome is still there. It's just in a nicer house.

• 43:01Lewis Howes?

  So you still felt like an imposter?

• 43:02Lisa Bilyeu?

  Oh my god, of course. Yeah.

• 43:05Lewis Howes?

  What was the imposter?

• 43:06Lisa Bilyeu?

  I still felt like I was helping my husband out.

• 43:09Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. What year was this?

• 43:11Lisa Bilyeu?

  Two thousand fifteen?

• 43:12Lewis Howes?

  Okay, so that's seven years ago.

• 43:13Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, so.

• 43:14Lewis Howes?

  So what was the voice in your head at that time? When this massive number hits the bank account? What is that imposter voice saying to you?

• 43:23Lisa Bilyeu?

  Even though at this point I had, you know, I was um, had forty employees underneath me, ten thousand square foot. Literally went from shipping bars in my, on my living room floor to that. And then person's, imposter syndrome was, is that my husband and his business partners earned the money. And I was a good help.

• 43:41Lewis Howes?

  So that's what you were saying yourself.

• 43:42Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, yeah. And so even that like took work and you know, internal work and you know, like the value, what value do you bring to the table? Just because your name is on that piece of paper as like, you know, a founder, because those three were. It's like you've brought, you know, to really coach myself through, but you've sacrificed, you've given every hour of every day. Literally, I was working twelve, thirteen hours a day. Um, so to really believe in myself that I had earned that was very hard, but it was important for me to do. Um, and then the idea of in the grind, when things are hard and you're asking, what the hell are we doing this all for? Like, why? Tom and I would drive around Beverly Hills in our crappy car and we would like point out all the houses we would buy.

• 44:25Lisa Bilyeu?

  And we were like, I like this style. No, no, no, I like this style. And then eventually the money comes to our account and we actually can buy the house that we're like, the roads that we're touring. So it's like the biggest dream come true. And in that moment, it was like, I wanted a waterfall. So I'm a nineties chick. I love hip hop and I love nineties. And so I was like, always joking, but really serious. I was like, babe, I want to do like our own version of a nineties hip hop music video. I want a waterfall. I want Don Perignon bottle. Like, I want to pour it down me in the sexy outfit. I want you to film me. Like, that was the dream. I have to emotionally tie to a dream. It can't just be like a house. It has to be like the feeling of getting the house.

• 45:07Lisa Bilyeu?

  So I'd had this vision. We finally get the house. It finally has a fricking waterfall, dude. We get the keys. We got a bottle of Don Perignon. Tom's got a photo. He's taking photo of me. I'm taking a swig of the champagne. And that was the moment my health and my gut felt like it's, you know, obviously I've had health issues. That was the moment.

• 45:28Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 45:28Lisa Bilyeu?

  That same moment that we were celebrating the biggest achievement of our lives.

• 45:33Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 45:33Lisa Bilyeu?

  It's so cliche.

• 45:35Lewis Howes?

  Why was that the moment, do you think?

• 45:37Lisa Bilyeu?

  So I think I'd had fifteen years of gut issues. I was ignoring them, ignoring them, ignoring them. I was priding myself on the grind. I wasn't priding myself on the self-care. So for years and years, I was getting sicker and sicker because I wasn't replenishing my gut. I had a very unhealthy relationship with food. So I wasn't having fat. I wasn't eating carbs. I thought I had to be skinny as possible. So all this unhealthy relationship, I was getting sick because I was working a lot. I wasn't replenishing. And so I was getting a lot of antibiotics. And so for like years and years and years, I was taking three to four, five times a year antibiotics. And and I really think it got to the point where I'd pushed myself into the ground and the bubbly and the alcohol. I think it was just that moment.

• 46:21Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 46:22Lisa Bilyeu?

  And I think and it literally from them, it felt like it erupted. I didn't tell Tom because of course I'm trying to be strong.

• 46:28Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 46:28Lisa Bilyeu?

  So I'm like, babe, I'll be back in a second. I run to the bathroom. And I literally cannot get, I'm like, what the hell is happening to me? My gut is in like so such disarray. But my husband's so excited for, so of course, of course, what do I tell myself? Just push through it.

• 46:42Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 46:43Lisa Bilyeu?

  Don't tell him, push through it, it's a celebration. And I was like, all right, if I just get straight into the swimming pool, then I'll be able to hide my pain.

• 46:50Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man.

• 46:51Lisa Bilyeu?

  So I get out, I'm like trying to pretend, I'm like rushing into the swimming pool and just the water pressure was too unbearable. And that's when I'm like, babe, I don't know what's wrong. From that was six years ago, six years ago. I'm still on my journey of healing my gut, just to give perspective to everybody. For a whole year, I couldn't eat more than like four or five ingredients. It was like beef, salt, coconut oil and chicken. I was twenty pounds lighter than I am now.

• 47:21Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 47:22Lisa Bilyeu?

  My hair was falling out, my nails were brittle. And you want to talk about my relationship with my husband? I started feeling like I wasn't sexy. I could barely hug him, let alone any intimacy. You've got to understand what that does to a woman's emotions. How I felt about myself. Tom was so supportive. But I felt like I wasn't bringing, you know, um, beauty to our relationship. That was me, that wasn't him. Sex was out the window. And it was like, I couldn't even stand up five minutes at a time. And on the outside, we had like, just literally were celebrating Quest being a billion dollar company. And one of the most um fastest growing nutrition companies in the world.

• 48:05Lisa Bilyeu?

  And here I am, I can't even eat. I pretended I didn't tell anybody. For months, I didn't tell anyone. So sorry, I know that was a long story, but really going back to your point of. I remember the day that my success changed. And that was the most beautiful lesson that I, like, if I can look back, right, like, we think it was Tony Robbins that I use all the time. How can I make the most horrific thing be the best thing that's ever happened to me? In that moment.

• 48:32Lewis Howes?

  Giving it meaning, yeah.

• 48:33Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah. And in that moment I was tested. And it was like, you can't, I mean, like I said, I'm still struggling six years later. And but how can that moment be the best thing that's ever happened to me? Number one, I took ownership. I did it to my gut. I was the one that had a bad relationship with food. I was the one that was taking the antibiotics. And for so long, I was like, it's the doctor's fault. It's the expert's fault. It's that person's fault. Taking ownership over my health changed everything, not just for my health, but in the way that I see business, in the way that I see my relationship. Now, every time something goes wrong, the very first thing I ask myself is, how can I take ownership of this? How was this my own doing?

• 49:15Lisa Bilyeu?

  So that changed my whole health, that changed my business. Every time now something goes wrong in the business. Whether it's an employee that has royally screwed up. I literally, before I say anything, it's like, what's my ownership in this?

• 49:26Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah. I know that feeling.

• 49:28Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so that just changed everything. And then it also changed my idea of success. It really did. And so when I got, thank God, like, I don't know how I would think about success if that hadn't happened to me. I don't know how I would think about money if that didn't happen to me.

• 49:43Lewis Howes?

  How do you think about it now?

• 49:44Lisa Bilyeu?

  I don't give a shit. Like, I love it, of course. It allows me to create content, right? It allows me to impact people. It allows me to do all the things that I do every day. If ever I was coming into conflict with my relationship, I wouldn't think twice about it. If ever it was coming to conflict of me feeling good about myself, I wouldn't think about it. Like, that's what I mean by it doesn't dictate who I am and how I show up every day. It's an amazing facilitator, amazing. And I'm such an advocate for wealth creation. I never, I think it's BS, like, no, no, it can do beautiful things. It really can. So I'm not gonna BS anyone. But money in and of itself is like a superpower. You can use it for good or you can use it for evil. It's your choice.

• 50:26Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 50:26Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so for me, it's like, it can be, it's so beautiful because I'm able to create beautiful things out of it. But it doesn't have a reflection of how I feel about myself, who I am and how I show up every day. And I don't know if it would have. It may have done that if my gut didn't fall apart.

• 50:42Lewis Howes?

  Interesting. I'm never a fan of changing the past, but let's say you could hypothetically give yourself three lessons that you learned from the day you got married until now. And hypothetically, you could speak to yourself a week before you got married.

• 50:58Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 50:58Lewis Howes?

  From this standpoint, to twenty years ago, I guess it was, when you're twenty, twenty something years ago in years, your twentieth year anniversary. And you could say whatever lessons that you wanted to share, you know, three things that you just wish you had the skills around, the tools around, or you wish you had the hindsight then to think about. What would you say to your younger self right before you got married, going in those next eight years before this started the transition?

• 51:28Lisa Bilyeu?

  I don't think I would change anything, and I don't know if that's a cop out. Because I can't change anything, or. In fact, no, I don't think it's a cop out. I think I use it as a way for my mind to stay strong. Because I need to believe I am who I am today because of all, everything that's.

• 51:44Lewis Howes?

  Of course, of course.

• 51:45Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so even going back then, I think the thing is just like, it's okay, like I. I got in my head so much when I was younger of like. Can I be perfect? How can I be the best wife? How can I make sure that um I am. You know, that I'm bringing value to people's lives. Like, I put so much pressure on myself of always being. Like the perfect person, and if something goes wrong, it's a reflection of who I am. And what I've learned is, when failure happens or something goes wrong, it actually is a reflection of who you are, but not in the way that we think it is. I think, I used to think failure was a reflection of how bad I was at things, and I don't want people to see it. But now I think failure is a reflection of the fact that I'm willing to go after something.

• 52:31Lewis Howes?

  I like that.

• 52:32Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so I think I would go back and tell myself that. Number one, every time you fail or you fall on your face, just know. It's a reflection that you're trying to do something in your life. Also that. You're a work in progress, always and forever. Even, you know, who you see today, in a year, in two years, in three years, in four years, I wanna be growing. So even like, we, I shared that story earlier about, you know, I wanted four children. I've accepted this is my life, and that who I say I am today may not be who I am next year, and that's okay.

• 53:05Lewis Howes?

  Cause it changed then, it can change again.

• 53:07Lisa Bilyeu?

  Of course. And even that with my husband, right, with Tom, it's like, yes, he's an extremely ambitious man. But what if tomorrow he decided he didn't wanna be ambitious anymore? Like, I would a hundred percent accept that. We would have to navigate what that means, what change that makes to our lives. But we encourage each other to change, to evolve, to adapt. And going back to your question, when I was younger, I never would have. I'd be like, no, no, no, everything has to stay the same. Cause everyone finds comfort in the same. Everyone finds comfort in the known. And so I have now completely pivoted and the complete opposite, and now I seek. Challenges, I seek things that I don't know what I'm doing.

• 53:49Lewis Howes?

  What would you say is the biggest thing you still are working on healing?

• 53:53Lisa Bilyeu?

  Oh, healing.

• 53:54Lewis Howes?

  I'm a big believer that healing is a journey. It's a process, you know, you might have a moment where you're like, this thing has been affecting me for decades and now I'm awake to it and I'm starting the healing journey and now I'm not as triggered by this thing anymore, but there might be tendencies every now and then, just not as big of a trigger or a wound. Where do you feel the wound is for you?

• 54:14Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, I know it very well. It's a trigger of mine that I didn't realize I've been working through. Realized it probably a few years ago now. Tom highlighted it for me. And it's interesting, have a conversation with your partner about what triggers you when they notice it first. That's freaking hard dude, because initially you're just like, no, what do you mean? I'm not sure good by that. Because you get triggered by it.

• 54:35Lewis Howes?

  Of course.

• 54:36Lisa Bilyeu?

  So first of all, I just look, okay, Tom wants what's best for me. So I have to just embrace, because I've been with him long enough to know when he's saying something, I really need to pay attention. And then identifying where the trigger comes from. So there's actually a couple. Number one, I don't cry.

• 54:51Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, ever?

• 54:52Lisa Bilyeu?

  Not in public and very rarely by myself.

• 54:56Lewis Howes?

  Interesting, okay.

• 54:58Lisa Bilyeu?

  I'm working to unwind that. And it used, it started off with Tom's, me joking and Tom joking that I was dead inside and we used to joke.

• 55:08Lewis Howes?

  But it, there's some truth in jokes, right?

• 55:10Lisa Bilyeu?

  So, because here was the thing, because there would be moments, literally, we'd be watching a movie. Lewis, and he'd be in tears and he'd look over and he's like, what the fuck babe? You're not even crying? And I'm like, no, like it's sad.

• 55:24Lewis Howes?

  Sad, but yeah.

• 55:25Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so I think that part of it was like a defense mechanism for him to be like, you're just dead inside. And so I used to joke, yeah, I'm dead inside. It never bothered me until I started to realize. Why don't I cry? What is it? Like I see so many women hold back the tears so much and I'm the completely opposite. I try to do it with no judgment, right? But like

• 55:47Lewis Howes?

  By yourself or around people?

• 55:48Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, by myself. Like after I started to realize, why am I the only one that doesn't cry in movies?

• 55:53Lewis Howes?

  When did you start realizing this?

• 55:55Lisa Bilyeu?

  As, when I was younger, I used it as a source of pride.

• 55:59Lewis Howes?

  I'm strong, I'm tough.

• 56:00Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, like I'm freaking cry, these

• 56:03Lisa Bilyeu?

  What's going on over here? I don't freaking cry.

• 56:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 56:05Lisa Bilyeu?

  I used it as a pride thing.

• 56:06Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 56:07Lisa Bilyeu?

  As I learnt more and more about mindset, as I started to learn about my audience, doing my show, Women of Impact, and hearing how many people would watch episodes and being tears and, oh geez, like, what are they, what am I not feeling? Am I, am I actually dead inside? So I, I had to process and I was like, is this holding me back? Why is this holding me back? Like, why is this bothering me right now? To your point, like, why is this now bothering me? When you, before I think of it as a superpower.

• 56:32Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 56:33Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so as I started to unravel, I started to just, no judgment, go back into my past. And I realised that when I was around fifteen, I was at a funeral, first person that really died in my family. And I looked around and I'm the youngest, so I was very much used to everyone else being the strong people, the leaders and all of that. And I would just follow. I look around, everyone's in tears, everyone, all the guys, all the women. And in that moment, I was like, well, who's gonna be strong for them? I remember, and I was like, I'm so used to people being strong for me. But there's not a dry eye in the room, so I guess I'm gonna have to be it. And so I remember being, hold back the tears, Lee, don't you dare cry, be strong for everyone else.

• 57:18Lisa Bilyeu?

  And then I also remember at the age of around seven or eight, I remember my parents got divorced. And I would walk into the room and my mum would always wipe away her tears and pretend she wasn't crying.

• 57:31Lisa Bilyeu?

  And like now, even when my mum hears me say that, I'm like, mum, you cannot blame yourself.

• 57:36Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 57:36Lisa Bilyeu?

  Please don't, because of course, you were trying not to upset me, so why would you, like, don't feel bad about trying to wipe away the tears?

• 57:43Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 57:43Lisa Bilyeu?

  And we learn so much about mindset now, you know, over the years. So don't worry about it. But yeah, that did teach me that as a woman, you shouldn't show tears or vulnerability in front of others because it may upset them.

• 57:55Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 57:56Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so I think I adopted those things. So flash forward, I'm now an adult. My husband's crying more than I am and I'm like, I really have to assess it. So I'm really still processing it.

• 58:06Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 58:06Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, I'm.

• 58:08Lewis Howes?

  How are you processing it?

• 58:10Lisa Bilyeu?

  In moments of, so my, my puppy passed away a couple of weeks ago. And when I say puppy, seventeen and a half, he wasn't a puppy at all. And in moments like that, I was just like, okay, like, first of all, I couldn't even control myself. It was just. The the tears and the the heartbreak just came. So in moments like that, I'm like, let it like I was coaching myself.

• 58:34Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 58:35Lisa Bilyeu?

  To just like feel the feel and I was repeating that feel the feel Lisa. It's okay, feel the feel. So I kept telling myself that.

• 58:42Lewis Howes?

  Were you trying to hold it back a little bit or?

• 58:44Lisa Bilyeu?

  Um, I think once upon a time I would have, but I've done the pre-work now. And just over the last few years, I've really been working on this specific thing. Um, so in that moment, and then the last thing was give myself grace. I was supposed to do Jay. Shetty's podcast that day. And I was like, it's freaking Jay Shetty. Like, you know, we all know how busy he is, right? And he's a good friend of ours, but I know how busy he is.

• 59:05Lewis Howes?

  It's like the universe testing you. It's like, okay, you're gonna just toughen up and go back to work.

• 59:09Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah. And so in that moment, I was like, no, I'm not gonna toughen up. No, you know what? I need to feel this. And this is exactly why you can't cry, Lisa. Because you you're trying to be a bad all the time, but I have to tell myself. So I have to literally say to myself, Lisa. Be soft. Let yourself feel the feelings. You know, if you went to this, you would put on your uniform. You would get your mindset right, but then that won't allow you to actually grieve. And so, you know, very graciously called him and we cancelled the shoot. And I just, I told my team, don't any, I kept my phone off. And that was the thing. I was like, I need to allow myself the space to process my emotions. And I just need to cry and I just need to do whatever I need to do. And so I gave myself that space.

• 59:54Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so that was all because I'd done the work. I realized that it was a problem. I realized that, oh, my God, this might be a point I'm, my old habits are gonna arise. So now I have to give myself the space.

• 1:00:05Lewis Howes?

  What do you think's available for yourself when you allow yourself space to feel emotions, to process emotions in healthy manners? As opposed to holding back emotions?

• 1:00:15Lisa Bilyeu?

  I think that that might have been a big part of why I ended up having a lot of health issues.

• 1:00:20Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:00:21Lisa Bilyeu?

  Because if you think about it, I was grinding a quest.

• 1:00:23Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:00:24Lisa Bilyeu?

  I never gave myself any self-care. It was like my auntie, I remember this is heartbreaking. I remember. In the, I was in the middle of work, my auntie in Cyprus going to a massive, like, um, she was walking in the street and her car hit her. And pinned her against these like, um, barriers. And I remember like my dad calling me and me being on the phone and I was like, you know, talking with him and I was like, well, I can't go to Cyprus. I've got business, I've got business to run, you know, keep me updated, dad, but I can't, you know, and it's like now you're kidding. I would drop everything if someone needed me and I'd like, you know, so things like that where you just make these small decisions where you're like, well, it's all the way there in a way. What can I really do?

• 1:01:05Lisa Bilyeu?

  You know, and then I go back to work. I didn't actually let the emotion of what had happened to my aunt sink in. I didn't let any of that. Um, and so I've kind of trying to unwind all the behavior that I've done in order to see how I can use it in the future. And what's interesting is because I'm so used to, I said earlier about music, I'm so used to knowing how to get hard and how to like get on.

• 1:01:32Lisa Bilyeu?

  When, on that day when my dog died, the next day.

• 1:01:37Lisa Bilyeu?

  I actually realized I had to let it out. Even if I wasn't feeling it, I had to let it out. And so I was like, what can I do to let it out?

• 1:01:44Lewis Howes?

  Because you've never really done it before. You didn't know how to.

• 1:01:47Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah. So I actually put on a song. That I knew was going to break my heart.

• 1:01:53Lewis Howes?

  Which one was this?

• 1:01:54Lisa Bilyeu?

  Um, it was a very recent one, which is weird because it, I'd only just heard.

• 1:01:59Lewis Howes?

  The newer song, yeah.

• 1:02:00Lisa Bilyeu?

  It's the, um, Jennifer Lopez song On My Way To You.

• 1:02:03Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 1:02:04Lisa Bilyeu?

  Or whatever.

• 1:02:05Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 1:02:06Lisa Bilyeu?

  God, like even now I could get like actually a little emotional because I was listening to that song. Like as I were on the, on, in the car on the way to the vet.

• 1:02:17Lisa Bilyeu?

  So we get a call at one in the morning, hey, we don't know if he's gonna make it. You've got to get your here. We jump in the car and then the next day I heard that song and it's basically I'm on my way to you. It's like even talking about it like I'm getting emotional, but like. If I put that song on, like I did it deliberately, I put it on repeat. I wanted the tears to come. I wanted the floodgates open on purpose. And so that's like kind of going back to what I'd said earlier. Like I try to be deliberate about what I'm trying to achieve. In order to allow the emotion to come, so I can really just feel it. Whether it's, hey, I wanna be freaking bad right now. And how the hell do I get on stage and be bad? And right now, I need to let this out. How do I do that?

• 1:02:59Lisa Bilyeu?

  What do I do? I put on like my most intimate, like, soft pajamas. I had a photo of him next to me. I had his blanket.

• 1:03:08Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:03:08Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so literally, like, I was smelling his blanket, putting that song on, and wanting to cry.

• 1:03:15Lewis Howes?

  I can relate to the music being a, an opener for you. My father passed two months ago. And for the first few weeks afterwards, I was just listening to music, like, there'd be songs, like an Andrea Bocelli song will play. Even now, and it gets me very emotional, to the point where I need to turn the song off, because it'll take me down a grieving path for a period of time. So if I'm at night and it's at a home and I can do it, then that's great, but if it's in the middle of the day, I'm like, I have to block it at some points to stay focused on something, but it's um, it's a journey. But I'm so proud of you for allowing yourself the process of healing. You know, there's, it's a journey. And for me, it's a journey as well.

• 1:03:57Lewis Howes?

  But I think allowing yourself to cry or just feel the emotions, how you wanna feel them, and let that out of you. Because whatever is inside of you stays trapped there and might affect you physically.

• 1:04:07Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:07Lewis Howes?

  You know, so I think that's a really healthy thing. You're allowing yourself the ritual of processing. Cause I truly believe the body keeps score, you know, from the book. Body keeps the score. So if we're not able to process in healthy ways, then it's gonna block us up in certain ways.

• 1:04:24Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, it was so weird and so freaking heartbreaking and something new that I'm working on.

• 1:04:29Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm. Cause I know you're extremely mentally tough, right? You and Tom talk about mindset all the time. This is a part of the pillar of your values and foundation and growth mindset. Have you processed or thought about the power of emotional agility?

• 1:04:47Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:48Lewis Howes?

  And that value for yourself and have you looked into that?

• 1:04:52Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, that's really why I knew that this wasn't healthy, like even if it was like, well, why, why, why does it matter, Lisa? Right? Like, why does it matter that you don't cry? Because I know it doesn't actually help what I'm trying to do on impact and relatability and understanding and empathy. Um, like all of that, like I recognize it. So.

• 1:05:12Lewis Howes?

  Are you doing any more coaching or, or getting out of support for this?

• 1:05:17Lisa Bilyeu?

  No, it's interesting because I have like a process that I do. And it's very internal. It's very like, I almost don't want other people to give me advice. Like, I almost like don't because it becomes overwhelming. And so for me, I often go be at peace with yourself and just listen to your own mind.

• 1:05:35Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:35Lisa Bilyeu?

  And be like, okay, well, why doesn't this sit well? What can you do like so? I'm going through these last two weeks of embracing like my emotions up and down and not knowing. It's like I was walking up the stairs the other day, literally, and something happened. And all of a sudden I got this wave. I don't know if you know how that feels. Of course, yeah. That wave and I was walking up the stairs and I got this wave of just freaking grief. And I was like, ah, and I literally had to take a deep breath and I had to like put my hand on my heart and just be like, fuck, what's happening to me right now? And I was like, it's okay. Like even now I'm getting emotional because it's like that feeling of like, and see, I would never do this. I would never get emotional if I hadn't done all this work. And so right now you see me in the real time being able to evolve and go,

• 1:06:19Lisa Bilyeu?

  wow, just putting my hand on my heart and reminding me that it's okay. Like to be able to take that gasp of air where you can't believe, you know, that you can't breathe. It's okay.

• 1:06:31Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. It's beautiful. I think another thing, you know, someone we both admire, Sarah Blakely. I've seen her be vulnerable and cry and open up when, you know, in different settings. And it's like, you can be a powerful woman and build something very meaningful and impactful. And also be emotionally, you know.

• 1:06:51Lewis Howes?

  Agile, I say.

• 1:06:52Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:53Lewis Howes?

  And allow yourself to process, so. Not saying you need to cry all the time or anything like that, but it's something it's powerful to be aware of it and be on that healing journey, so.

• 1:07:00Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, I mean, it's like your book, the last one you wrote, it's so amazing. I mean, it's going to the point that, you know, you have to always be tough and you always say, you know, people expect this of you, but what about the beauty that is emotion within a man?

• 1:07:11Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 1:07:11Lisa Bilyeu?

  You know, and then how do we embrace the, the, the two? And so for me, it's the same, right? It's that like, I've trained myself to be mentally strong for so long, that I have to give myself the permission to be this soft, beautiful, warm-hearted person and be able to be a freaking beast and crush it at work and have these dualities. And I think growing up for both of us, it was like, we weren't allowed.

• 1:07:36Lewis Howes?

  No, it's just one way.

• 1:07:38Lisa Bilyeu?

  Dualities.

• 1:07:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's just one.

• 1:07:39Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:40Lewis Howes?

  I'm glad you're on the journey. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. And I think that makes someone even more unique in the world. Um, you know, Matthew Hussey talks about this in terms of relationship, where he's coaching women saying, you know, it's the person who's also smart and a little edgy, who's vulnerable and can be tough. It's not when you're vulnerable all the time or tough all the time, where someone creates long-term like amazing attraction or abundance. It's like having the duality. I think you talked about it in your show as well, so I'm so happy you're doing that. This is a question I ask everyone towards the end. It's called the three truths. So I'd like you to imagine a hypothetical scenario. It's your last day on earth, many years away from now. You get to accomplish everything you want to accomplish,

• 1:08:24Lewis Howes?

  but you've lived a happy, healthy life. And for whatever reason, everything you've created has got to go with you or to another place. So no one has access to your book, movies, work, content anymore. But you get to leave behind three things you know to be true, three lessons. What do you feel like your future self would leave behind as those three truths?

• 1:08:41Lisa Bilyeu?

  Oh, confidence isn't the start to something. Confidence is the result of something.

• 1:08:46Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:08:47Lisa Bilyeu?

  Number two, failure is the most amazing opportunity. And if you don't respect yourself, then no one else will.

• 1:08:55Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:08:57Lisa Bilyeu?

  I don't actually know where that last one came from. That was actually a surprise to me too.

• 1:09:00Lewis Howes?

  That's good. I believe that. If you don't have self-love, self-respect, then people are gonna walk all over you. It's a powerful book. I'm really excited about this Radical Confidence. 10 No BS Lessons on Becoming the Hero of Your Own Life. A lot of inspiring people have endorsed this. I've gone through it. I love the content, love the practical tips at the end of the chapters. Really inspiring stories about your lessons of things you've talked about here, building quests, other things behind the scenes, which I think is really cool. And where you're at now. So make sure you guys pick up a copy or two, give them to a few friends as well. Women of Impact, it's a powerful channel on YouTube, your Instagram, your social media is really inspiring, powerful. People can follow you there, lots of great content.

• 1:09:40Lewis Howes?

  Radicalconfidence.com for this. So you guys can go here, or Lisa Bilyeu on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook as well. How else can we be of support to you right now?

• 1:09:51Lisa Bilyeu?

  Hmm, I think it really is just, I'm all about value add. So if the book brought value, if this interview brought value, share, tag, like that's really the biggest thing is that, you know, I just always think that none of us can create global impact alone, ever. And so I'm always like, what's my thing? So my thing is if I can throw a pebble in the water, and then it becomes this ripple that eventually creates a tsunami, my job is done.

• 1:10:18Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:10:19Lisa Bilyeu?

  So if I think of the book, my content as being the pebble, and if other people can go out and create those ripples, like I would, that would be so meaningful.

• 1:10:27Lewis Howes?

  I love that. I love that. Well, Lisa, I want to acknowledge you for a moment for your journey. I think it's inspiring to see someone who set out in their life with a certain path, and continues to evolve that path. And I acknowledge you for learning to love yourself and not shame yourself, and not hold yourself back for shifting and evolving and innovating yourself from what you thought you were supposed to be to society's standards, or maybe family's pressures, or even husband's pressures, and evolving to going from that scale of a 1 to 10, from a 1 to where you are now, which seems like it's a lot higher, and I'm assuming will always be evolving. So I really acknowledge you for leading by example.

• 1:11:08Lewis Howes?

  By talking about how, you know, you don't just become confident when you, when you have a result, it's the, the confidence of the act of failure, building yourself up where confidence comes from. So I think it's really inspiring that you're sharing this, that you've been building everything you've been building. And I'm, I'm so happy for you, so grateful for you. Yes.

• 1:11:27Lisa Bilyeu?

  Thank you for motivating me as well, you and just all of our friends, you know, like my first time writing a book. And so having people to support you like it's so freaking meaningful. And you always said, Lewis, like you've got a book, you can come on. I'm coming on Lewis's house. I have a book.

• 1:11:44Lewis Howes?

  Yes. Yeah. Well, you asked to come on, I think it was a year and a half ago or two years ago.

• 1:11:47Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:48Lewis Howes?

  And it didn't feel like it was the right timing. I want to be like, you know, when you have your book, let's do something. So there's a moment so we can make a bigger impact with that message.

• 1:11:57Lisa Bilyeu?

  Can we take a minute to talk about this? It's so powerful. So like as a friend, you motivated me. And it's like when you, when people say no, it doesn't mean it's a reflection of how bad you are. Or maybe sometimes it is a reflection of how bad. Great. I can get better. And that's the thing is that how do I bring value to your audience? If I'm not there yet, Lewis, I wouldn't want you to have me on. I like the motivation of, oh, how do I get so good? I've got to be on Lewis's show. Like that's about me. That's not a you thing. How do I get so good? One of my favorite phrases, Steve Martin of the comedian, be so good they cannot ignore you.

• 1:12:33Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:12:34Lisa Bilyeu?

  And it's the most empowering thing ever. And so for you, I've seen the guests you've brought on, you're an incredible human. And so to motivate me to be like, you've got a book, you can come on. Like it has to be the right time.

• 1:12:46Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:12:46Lisa Bilyeu?

  I, it was a blessing and I want people to really hear that because in moments where you reach out to somebody. So first of all, have the courage to reach out because if you don't, if you don't ask, the answer will always be no.

• 1:12:57Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:12:58Lisa Bilyeu?

  So now if you do ask and you get a no, ask yourself, is it a me thing? Is it a them thing or is it not yet thing?

• 1:13:05Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:13:06Lisa Bilyeu?

  Because here's the thing, I just may never be right for your show and your audience. Okay. Well, no matter how good I get, if I'm not right, I'm not right. And now I may take that as an insult to me, but it's actually not. So now look at what are the things like, is it a not yet? And so that was it. It's a not yet. Great. What do I have to do? What skill sets do I have to learn? What do I have to build? Because here's the thing, I don't want success given to me.

• 1:13:32Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:13:33Lisa Bilyeu?

  I don't want it given to me. And that's like why I said with the book, like if the book brings value, then share it.

• 1:13:39Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 1:13:39Lisa Bilyeu?

  That's my thing. So it's like for me to be on here, for you to really think that I can breathe, bring value, that's a me thing. I've got to bring my A game and I love that. So it was so powerful that you said that to me and I want people to think of that, like moments like that. How can you not take it personally? How can you say their response is actually motivating to me? You know, take our friend Jamie Kern Lima. How many no's did she get all along the way she was trying to start her makeup company? So many no's. If she had let a no stop her, she wouldn't have built a company worth one point two billion dollars

• 1:14:20Lisa Bilyeu?

  and she wouldn't have sold it to L'Oréal and she wouldn't have been the first female CEO in L'Oréal's history. If she took no as a reflection of her worth. So that wasn't my my leaving card.

• 1:14:34Lewis Howes?

  Do not take no. It's powerful. I think it's exciting. And I think um we should always, if we want something bad enough, or not saying you want to this, but if you want something in general life.

• 1:14:42Lisa Bilyeu?

  I want it just bad enough, Lewis.

• 1:14:44Lewis Howes?

  Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you want something in life bad enough, so you want to go whatever on the Today Show. Today Show is not, you gotta think about what does their audience want and are you at the level of where they want you to be? To be able to promote someone like you. Or is the timing off? Or is it not the right season for them because they're in the news cycle of the war and they're not talking about something else? So can't take things personally. You just gotta think, how can I build myself better?

• 1:15:08Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yes.

• 1:15:09Lewis Howes?

  How can I improve or how can I grow and and set myself up for the mission I'm on and then allow other people to talk about it? When it's ready. So really excited for you Radical Confidence. Make sure you guys uh pick up a few copies, share them with your friends. Leave some comments below if you're on YouTube right now. Um tag Lisa when you're over on social media as well, of course, and follow her all over the place on social media. Final question for you. What's your definition of greatness?

• 1:15:37Lisa Bilyeu?

  Saying I'm going to get somewhere and do something and then actually doing it. So this question is very appropriate for me being here. Because I said, I'm gonna get on the Lewis Howes show. He will say yes to me one day. He will say yes to me. I'm gonna be so great. He cannot ignore me. And here I am. So I think that the definition of greatness is saying you want something, asking yourself, how am I gonna get it and be willing to put in the work? And practice my favorite movie Karate Kid, Wax On Wax Off. Wax On Wax Off and just keep practicing until you get so good that you can't be ignored.

• 1:16:10Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, piece of billion. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's show with all the important links. And also make sure to share this with a friend and subscribe over on Apple Podcasts as well. I really love hearing feedback from you guys, so share a review over on Apple and let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most. And if no one's told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.