What Anger Is Really Hiding (And Why It’s So Dangerous)

What if the worst thing ever said to you wasn’t just a memory—but a scar that shaped who you are? In this episode, I’m opening up about a tough truth that most of us are either living with—or have dished out ourselves: anger and emotional volatility. Whether you're on the receiving end of it or you're the one dishing it out, today’s message is a wake-up call. I’m not just sharing concepts—I’m pulling straight from my own story, from childhood scars to leadership missteps, and how I finally learned that the strongest people don’t intimidate—they protect. You deserve relationships, workplaces, and a life where you feel safe to be your full self. We’re not tiptoeing around the issue. We’re calling it out. If someone in your life makes you feel small, anxious, or afraid to speak freely—you’ve got to draw the line. Because you’re not just allowing it…you’re teaching them it’s okay. And that’s not love. That’s not leadership. That’s not life. I’m also giving you the tools—real, practical habits—that have helped me move from a reactive man to a regulated one. And if you're the one struggling with anger, here's your moment. I’m not judging you—I've been you. I know what it means to erupt, to regret, to hurt the people you love most. But you can flip the switch. You can become the kind of person your family, your team, and your future self can count on. No more band-aids over bullet wounds. It’s time to make real change. Key Takeaways: How to recognize emotional abuse disguised as “passion” or “leadership” The difference between a strong man and a scared one hiding behind anger Why the contrast of “high highs” in toxic relationships can deceive you Concrete steps to regulate anger before it destroys your identity and others How your emotional patterns directly impact your kids and future generations The one trait every safe, authentic, high-performing relationship has You were born to do something great. And that starts with living a life where you're safe to be you. It's not just about love—it's about respect, belief, and emotional safety. Let’s stop normalizing anger, and start creating environments that heal. Max out. 👉 SUBSCRIBE TO ED'S YOUTUBE CHANNEL NOW 👈 → → → CONNECT WITH ED MYLETT ON SOCIAL MEDIA: ← ← ← ➡️ INSTAGRAM ➡️FACEBOOK ➡️ LINKEDIN ➡️ X ➡️ WEBSITE Get my exclusive Monday Motivation training in GrowthDay, the world’s #1 app for advanced mindset and personal development. Visit https://growthday.com/ed. This show is sponsored by GrowthDay. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Ed Mylett?

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• 0:45Ed Mylett?

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• 1:30Ed Mylett?

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• 2:08Speaker 01

  This is the admired show.

• 2:12Ed Mylett?

  All right, welcome back to the show, everybody. So let me ask you a question to start out the week. What's the worst thing that's ever been said to you? Like the worst, the thing that hurt you the most?

• 2:25Ed Mylett?

  You remember it, don't you? Give yourself a second and think about that. I mean, the most hurtful thing ever said to you. And I ask you that question because, you know, last week, we talked about emotional regulation and emotional maturity and so many, we got flooded with messages from people saying, how do you deal with your own anger? Or how do you deal with anger issues from somebody in your life, like an angry person? And so although I'm not an expert on anything, I do have some insights after 54 years on earth and being both a recipient of anger and also the distributor. And I remember the worst thing ever said to me. And it was when I was very young. It was about 45 years ago. But 45 years later, I can remember that moment like it was yesterday.

• 3:08Ed Mylett?

  And something tells me you can remember that moment as well. Ask yourself another question. Think of the worst thing you've ever said to somebody the other way. And just so you know, you're the lead character in their life as having said the most mean thing to them. One of the real frustrating things about anger is you can never unsay something. You can never take it back. Once you've said it, it's there forever and it's impossible to undo it. And the hurt that it gives somebody alters your relationship with them forever somehow to some extent. You can do 9,000 things after that event. But you can never take those words back and you can never undo it.

• 3:52Ed Mylett?

  And so if you've got somebody that really treats you with anger in your life, or maybe you're the angry person, I'd like you to pay really close attention today because I don't think in the moments when we say something angry to somebody or out of anger, we realize the permanent damage that we're doing to somebody. My guess is most of you that are listening are already leaning in because you're dealing with somebody in your life who behaves in an angry fashion with you. And if you do, you need to listen very closely today. Because here's what happens. If you have an angry person or someone who operates out of anger towards you.

• 4:27Ed Mylett?

  It alters more things than you realize in your life, even very subtly and unconsciously. Not only does it hurt, but here's what angry people do. And it's why having them in your life requires either a change of their behavior or a change permanently with them out of your life. And I mean that very seriously. If you're being treated in an angry way by an angry person, you deserve better than that. Also, if you're a leader who runs your business in an angry way, and I know what that's like as well, to operate out of anger and intimidation. Many, many leaders think they're great leaders, but really what they are is they're angry intimidators. I led that way for a while. And it's fatiguing and debilitating, and it's not true leadership.

• 5:09Ed Mylett?

  Being a father or a mother who operates out of intimidation and anger is not an authentic tremendous father or mother. And those of you that are on the receiving end of angry things in your life from angry people, listen closely, or if you're the distributor, listen closely. Maybe some of you are both. And again, I only usually create content out of personal experiences. And to tell you that I only know about this because I've made these mistakes. I was an angry and intimidating type leader for a while. And I know what it's like to operate out of anger and why we do it. The other thing I'll tell you is that I've also been the recipient. I think the longer you receive anger, the more you realize the absolute destruction that it causes in your relationship and in people's lives,

• 5:52Ed Mylett?

  or as a leader in your business, certainly in families. And you know what angry people do? Not only do they hurt you, but here's what they do that's subtle. Angry people make you modulate your own behavior unconsciously, because you're trying not to trigger them all the time or set them off. If you have anybody in your life, a husband, a wife, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a true friend, a boss, and in any way you find yourself modulating, changing your phraseology, your words, your behavior, your tactics, to simply not trigger them, then you're really not being your authentic self or true self. Because their response causes you to morph into something small.

• 6:30Ed Mylett?

  Less than you really are, different than you really are. And even if it's small changes you make, even if it's subtle, the truth of the matter is, you're not really having an authentic relationship with this person. I want you to think this through as I say it to you. Do you have anybody in your life that you're constantly modulating? Better not say this, I better not do that because that's going to set them off, that's going to trigger them. That's not a real relationship, that's not love, that's not a leader. And if you're that person that's constantly being triggered, you know, some of you that have this person in your life, maybe send this to them today because they may love you and just, you've created this pattern and this dynamic in your relationship where it's become accepted, where it's become okay to them. And we'll talk about that in a minute as well. It's not okay.

• 7:11Ed Mylett?

  Now, by the way, there may be a topic that's off limits, you know, politics triggers them, okay? You can set that aside. But if it's something beyond the normal two or three triggers in life, that's not normal and it's not okay. And you shouldn't have to with people in your life that are in your proximity, walk on eggshells around them because you're worried you're going to set them off or trigger them. And we're going to talk about some of these conditions with people. Because what these people really have, or you have, if you're this person, and by the way, I've been this person. Because I was raised by this person. And some of you are just operating out of things you caught that weren't even taught to you when you were a child. And some of you are codependent in the fact that you grew up in a relationship with a father or mother

• 7:54Ed Mylett?

  who treated your mom or your dad that way, or you that way. And now it's acceptable to, for you to receive this treatment from somebody around you. Let me be very clear, it's not acceptable. You should not be the recipient of anger. You can deal with certain things in your life, okay? Certain behaviors that don't feel good. But if you are the target and the recipient of anger from somebody, passive aggressive anger or direct shots verbally or physically.

• 8:22Ed Mylett?

  That's not acceptable. And remember this, you teach people how to treat you. Right? And if you're allowing this to take place, even the first time, and there's not a boundary. If there's not a consequence that we're going to talk about in a second. You're teaching them it's okay to treat you this way, and it isn't. I want to be clear, some of you young folks too, that, you know, a very dear friend whose daughter is, she's 17 years old, she's in a relationship with a young man. And this young man operates out of anger with her verbally, often. He's passive aggressive, he puts her down. It's subtle, but he does it. And I saw it one day, and I pulled him aside. I said, am I gonna let her know that she shouldn't be receiving this? Or are you gonna tell her? He goes, what are you talking about? I said, did you see how he just dismissed her right there in front of everybody?

• 9:08Ed Mylett?

  You're teaching her this is okay. She will carry this the rest of her life if you allow her to take. There's gonna be a consequence for that guy right now. And I just want you to know, I think we've become very immune, almost accepting of anger. Our culture, we're very dismissive, very angry towards one another. Just look at social media, these keyboard warriors with their little angry outbursts from their... It's just unbelievable, the amount of anger that's just dispensed, that's spewed as if it's okay. It's not okay. And so, these folks that operate out of anger, they have poor emotional regulation. Poor emotional regulation leads to verbal or physical outbursts. It's not acceptable. Angry outbursts, sudden, unexpected outbursts.

• 9:51Ed Mylett?

  There's something called intermittent explosive disorder, IED. Can you imagine that terminology? And here's what it really means. I'm gonna give you the definition. Poor emotional regulation, that's what it means. Angry outbursts, sudden, unexpected episodes. Several conditions look like this, but a big one is intermittent explosive disorder. Do any of you have somebody in your life like that? They can go from zero to 100 like that. You're like, wow, two minutes ago, everything was fine. And they just lose it. Okay, this person has intermittent explosive disorder. It's not okay. It's not normal. It's not funny. And you shouldn't accept it. Okay, there's also something called oppositional defiant disorder.

• 10:33Ed Mylett?

  This is a pattern of angry or irritable mood, argumentative or defiant behavior, or vindictiveness. Usually it affects children or adolescents. So that's just somebody who's got a pattern of being angry or irritable. You go, "No, it's normal teenage behavior." No, it's not. It's not. It's not okay. And you need to correct it as a parent as soon as you can. Or you're gonna send somebody into the world who's gonna have a very hard time most of their life, in and out of relationships, in and out of jobs, in spite of their talent, in spite of their gifts. And perhaps that child's a recipient from somebody with oppositional defiant disorder as well. But it's usually somebody who's thinking they're being rebellious against authority. That's not rebellion. That's a pattern of angry and irritable moods.

• 11:17Ed Mylett?

  And if that pattern is not interrupted, if there are not consequences, and you're gonna find that to be a very common theme today, you're sending somebody out into the world who's likely to fail, likely to have an unhappy life. Before I even move any further forward, I just want to say something to you if you're on the receiving end of a passive-aggressive person or an aggressive person. You deserve better than that. Do not spend your life as the subject of that type of behavior, as a target, as a receptacle, as a trash can for them to dump into their anger and aggression. You deserve so much better than that. Please, don't accept it. Please, don't stay if it continues. Please. It's better to be alone. Many of you are staying with somebody

• 12:02Ed Mylett?

  because you're more afraid to be alone, because there's some high highs with these people too, huh? Almost like the contrast between how terrible they treat you and then how good it is in the good moments. And that contrast exaggerates the good. The good's not really that good. It's just way different than the bad. And because they take you all the way over to the bad, and then they drop in a couple goodies once in a while, little breadcrumbs of kindness, breadcrumbs of a gift, breadcrumbs of an apology, breadcrumbs of a high moment. That contrast makes the good seem better than it is. But if you're in a normal functioning relationship, that's not such a good-good. It's just way different than the bad. There's another disorder called conduct disorder. It's a more severe form of ODD that I just described.

• 12:46Ed Mylett?

  It's characterized really by aggression towards others. And these people also violate rules and norms. They're deceitful. They'll lie to you and then make you feel guilty for calling them on it. They will not only be rude or mean to you, but they'll do it in public. They'll do it in front of your friends and family. They'll take a passive aggressive or an aggressive shot at you in front of other people. Or they'll be in front of a room full of people as a leader. And take shots at people in the room aggressively. That's not acceptable. The people you lead should not be afraid of you. That's not great leadership. You can look no further than to Jesus for this example. Now, remember, Jesus rebuked the apostles.

• 13:30Ed Mylett?

  Any of you that are Christians that read scripture, he rebuked the apostles. So there's nothing wrong with correcting people, constructive criticism, affirm course correction. That's not the same thing as anger. When you operate out of anger, you are out of control. It's different to pause, to think, to take a day or two and say, we need a meeting about this. That's different than flying off the handle out of anger. There's another disorder, I'm just giving you a few of them so you know. Disruptive mood deregulation disorder, DMDD. What this looks like is persistent irritability or anger with frequent temper outbursts. That are disproportionate to the situation. In other words, the response is far worse than the situation that took place.

• 14:15Ed Mylett?

  Someone cuts you off on the freeway, they just lose their mind. Someone jumps in front of them in line, they go crazy. You say something that they misunderstood as a joke and they took it personally and they just go to level 100. That's a problem. Then there's stuff like borderline personality disorder. That's intense unstable emotions. The point of the matter is, I only tell you what these things are because these are real conditions. Now, here's the situation, here's the deal. This is also why the internet has become so out of control. Let me explain to you something. If you don't create consequences for the people that treat you with anger. They will continue to do it, the pattern will continue, and it will over time creep up and get worse and worse and worse. And all of a sudden, you're in a relationship where you can't even be yourself because you're afraid to set them off.

• 15:00Ed Mylett?

  That's why the internet is so out of control. Keyboard warriors can say angry, hurtful, mean things with no consequence. What is anger? If you flipped the coin over, it's fear. They're scared. And these people, believe it or not, even though they seem very strong and bold and intimidating, these are weak people. This episode is sponsored by Ro. A lot of people assume GLP-1's cost a fortune, and that assumption keeps them from even looking into treatment. Ro helps people find a more affordable path to FDA-approved GLP-1 treatment. Ro wants to help people lose weight. That's why they have more affordable GLP-1 options, whether you're paying with insurance or cash. Ro's free insurance checker makes it easy to see if you're covered for GLP-1 injections.

• 15:44Ed Mylett?

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• 16:29Ed Mylett?

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• 17:10Ed Mylett?

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• 17:25Ed Mylett?

  When I operated out of anger in my life when I was younger, I was a weaker man. I was a scared little man.

• 17:34Ed Mylett?

  Who used anger as a weapon. As a leader, as a friend in my relationships.

• 17:41Ed Mylett?

  These are weak, little, scared people.

• 17:47Ed Mylett?

  That person in your life is weak, they're little and they're scared.

• 17:52Ed Mylett?

  Trust me. A strong man.

• 17:56Ed Mylett?

  Is kind.

• 17:58Ed Mylett?

  He can defend and protect. But he's gentle. He doesn't harm the people around him. And if he does, even once. He has true remorse and he apologizes. It's true of a real woman as well. If you have a man in your life who's doing this to you, he's not a real man. If you're listening to this and you're a man and you treat people this way. You're a scared little man. Grow up, stop it, emotionally regulate. If you're a keyboard warrior on the internet. You're identifying who you are when you put people down. When you think it's funny. I get emotional because I see so many people down and hurt. Losing their confidence, losing their self-esteem.

• 18:43Ed Mylett?

  And it's because of the people closest to them.

• 18:47Ed Mylett?

  It's because of the people closest to them. The people they love and want the most belief and affection from are the ones taking it from them. And flipping it and hurting them.

• 18:59Ed Mylett?

  And day by day, slowly but surely, they lose their self-respect because they tolerate it. They lose their self-esteem because of the recipient of this. See, we all have enough negative thoughts about ourselves that we don't need somebody to confirm them. We have very few positive thoughts about ourselves. We do need people to confirm those. If you're somebody who treats people this way, strangers or people close to you, take a really good look at yourself.

• 19:30Ed Mylett?

  And if someone's doing it to you, you better provide them some consequence. It's the reason it's out of control in our public space. We can yell and, I mean, it's okay to disagree with someone politically, but to hate somebody because they believe something different than you? To be angry with a stranger? Worse, to be angry with someone that you claim to love?

• 19:53Ed Mylett?

  Think this through. Is that who you want to be at the end of your life? What if at the end of your life, you get to see the real of all the people's souls and spirits you hurt with your words or behavior? Or just being dismissive of them? In fact, what if you just played that role to yourself right now? There's probably, as many as you're playing, if you're this person, there's so many more you can't even remember because you did it when you were angry and it's a pattern. And here's the truth, if you operate this way, you can change. You're better than that. It's okay right now if I'm talking and you feel a little bit of a gut punch, a little bit of a wake-up call, a little bit of shame. It's okay.

• 20:35Ed Mylett?

  I know, because especially when I was in business, I was an intense, I still am, intense intimidator. And it worked. I had the voice for it, the build for it, energy level for it. It worked for a while. Until it didn't. Until I actually had my own children. And I went, if someone ever talked to Max or Bella the way I sometimes talk to people in business, they wouldn't need to worry about what they're having for breakfast tomorrow morning. I can promise you that.

• 21:05Ed Mylett?

  And so here's what happens. You gotta give them, you gotta give them consequence. In environments where there's no consequence, like the public space, like the internet, you watch, it's out of control. If you don't give them consequences in your relationship, and I'm talking about even a boss, even your boss, hey, I don't mind you giving me a course correction, but I will not tolerate your anger. You're out of control. And I know that sounds easy to say. You have to stand up for yourself and you have to give people consequences. Remember this, in your relationship, they remember what you said. You can never un-say something. You can never take it back. It'll never be the same. And here's what we do. When someone's angry towards us, at least in my case, I went, "I'll match your anger and I'm gonna raise you one." And then it ratchets it up, doesn't

• 21:49Ed Mylett?

  it? That was always my MO. "You're angry towards me? Ha ha. I know how to play this game better than you. I will match ya and raise you one. Here we go." And then it's off to the races. A lot of people have these dynamics in their relationship where one is usually the instigator, and instead of you just receiving it, you got this play. "I'm gonna raise you one." And then you really have a dynamic where you go, "Hey, I'm gonna win this one." And a lot of people go, "Yeah, but the making up is so great." Really? That's a mature, loving relationship? You make up from hurting one another? That's like saying the best thing in life is to get into a physical fight and then put Band-Aids

• 22:29Ed Mylett?

  on each other's wounds. That's insane. Now, usually we can see direct anger. The other type of anger that we're recipients of or distributors of is the passive aggressive. As a leader, I used to love to get up and go, "You know, there's some people in here who blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." And I wouldn't say a name, and so I thought it was okay. To be hurtful to a group passive aggressively. People will do this in your relationships too. People love to passively aggressively take shots at one another because it's like, "That's not what I meant. Oh, I'm so sorry. You, you read what I was saying wrong." No, you didn't. No, you didn't. Here's how it can affect a family. My dad, by the way, when he got sober, I just wanna make sure that I give my dad credit. Was the most kind, gentle, generous, beautiful man.

• 23:12Ed Mylett?

  And he helped thousands of people get sober. And I mean it. He would give you literally the shirt off his back. I don't think we ever drove by an unhoused person, homeless person, ever. Where my dad didn't stop and do something for them. No time in my dad's life after he got sober, would he not take the time to help a stranger? Or a friend? To the point where I'll never be as good a man as him.

• 23:36Ed Mylett?

  That was my dad sober. My dad drinking. That was another story altogether. I remember when I was a kid. Our fancy night out as a family. Two or three times a year. A birthday or an anniversary or something was we would go to the Sizzler. That was our fancy night out. I don't know if you know the Sizzler, but you literally wait in line to order your food even there. It's like kind of a fast food steak place. But that was our fancy dinner. I remember I used to like the Malibu chicken. We would go to the Sizzler regularly and my dad would inevitably have an emotional, angry outburst. Either someone at our table in our family or a server or the food wasn't right or it took too long. And there was never a consequence. Right? Cause he was a big, strong guy and it was just kind of what happened.

• 24:22Ed Mylett?

  I remember after a while of us going there, I was thinking when we would go there after a while, right when we would get there, they put us in this private room. And this is like where they would normally do like VIP dinners. And I remember thinking, gosh, man, I was really young. Our family, we're big time. Not only we're at the Sizzler. But we're in the VIP room. The private room for just our family. I remember thinking, gosh, my dad's a big shot. And then as I got older and I watched my dad yell at a server one night in that room. All of a sudden it dawned on me. Oh, we're not in this room because we're VIPs. We're in this room because they're hiding us. From the rest of the restaurant. He's become so notorious in this place that when he comes in, he's on some list. Where they go move them in the other room because it's gonna get ugly.

• 25:06Ed Mylett?

  And then I realized our family was ostracized. And then as I got a little bit older, when I knew we were having one of these big nights out. I would get sick. Sometimes I was really getting sick with anxiety about going, but a lot of times as a little boy, I would fake being sick and stay home as our family went out to their fancy dinner. Cause I didn't want to be embarrassed.

• 25:30Ed Mylett?

  And I wonder if seeing that as a little boy, I started to model it a little bit as I became a man. And I'm not explaining my behavior, nor am I explaining the behavior receiving. I guess I'm explaining it, but I'm not excusing it. And I think my understanding of where I got that from caused me to change it. And so if you are an angry person, take a second and think about where did you model this from? You got it somewhere. I remember seeing my dad in a lot of different fights and as I became a young man, anybody disrespected me. They were gonna have to pay the consequences. And I just want to say to you that if you exhibit angry behavior, your kids are catching it.

• 26:14Ed Mylett?

  And at some point, they will release that pattern out into the world themselves. If they are seeing you treat your spouse this way, they are either going to treat their spouse that way, or they are going to attract a partner who treats them this way. Your kids will model it, one way or the other. They will either receive it or believe it's normalized, because we move towards what we're most familiar with in our life. So if you have an angry partner and you're tolerating this behavior, your kids are seeing it, whether you know it or not, and they're gonna model it. More than likely, if you're a woman and a man's treating you this way, your daughter, if you continue to accept this, the consequence isn't even terrible for you. Your daughter will attract a man into her life who treats her exactly the same way.

• 26:57Ed Mylett?

  Vice versa, if the mother's the one acting out that way, and it's the man receiving it, your son will attract a woman who weakens him, minimizes him, demoralizes him, and shrinks him. Or, just as bad, they will be the distributor of anger. There are consequences with your children, if you have children. You had to ask yourself, if you're dating somebody right now who treats you this way, if it doesn't change, is that the person that you want to have children with? Sometimes you have to have more than love. You have to have respect.

• 27:34Ed Mylett?

  You have to have belief. A little bit more than just love. If you have an angry partner, there better be consequences. So what's a couple of things you could do? Number one, when somebody operates angrily towards you, here's some of the tips they give out in the world. Okay, I'll give you what they are and I'll give you my thoughts. Psychologists always recommend de-escalate and neutralize the emotionality of it. Okay, yeah, don't continue to, you know, get after them. Number two, they say be assertive. You could be assertive yourself and show some backbone. Three, communicate constructively. Understand and validate what it is that's really concerning them. Or they say, you know, go see a therapist. Fourth, they say, practice patience and compassion for this angry person.

• 28:15Ed Mylett?

  This is the typical therapy psychological response that's taught. Five, pick your battles and think long-term. Like I said, they also say, practice patience and compassion. Number six, reflect on your actions and understand the triggers that you're giving this person. And saying all of that, it ain't your fault they're doing this. And so should you reflect on your actions and understand the trigger? Sure. But you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells worrying about triggering somebody you love. There should be a basis of understanding that I love you, we're on the same team, I'm not intentionally doing this. Maybe there's one area in a relationship that you just stay away from. It's the ex, right? Or some financial mistake they made. I got that. You shouldn't be poking on somebody.

• 28:59Ed Mylett?

  But if you've got two, three, four things, you're going, I can't do this, I can't say that, I better not do that, I better not look like this. Yeah, I don't know about those all emotional, pick your battles, don't trigger them. No, at some point, give them consequences. All that stuff's fair. Now, if you're the angry person, here's some stuff that has helped me. Number one, think before you speak. In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you're later going to regret. Take a few moments, walk away, breathe. Almost every angry situation in my life, if I took a little while, and you know, sometimes you do ruminate on something, but by and large, most of the time, when the emotions subside, perspective increases. So it doesn't mean I won't confront this person, but I will confront them in an articulate,

• 29:44Ed Mylett?

  prepared, emotionally mature way that's constructive. As opposed to operating out of the moment, bam, anger. You're almost always less articulate angry, you're almost always meaner, you're almost always trying to raise them, and you often will say something that you can never take back. So take a few moments when you get angry to collect your thoughts before saying anything, before sending the email, before pushing send on the text. Take a day. Most things in your life do not need to be replied to instantly. Here's a rule. Never make big decisions under emotion. Never speak significantly quickly under emotion. Never email or text under significant emotion. And don't post on the internet under great emotion. Take some time. If it's that good of a response,

• 30:30Ed Mylett?

  it'll still be there tomorrow or eight hours from now. That has changed me because I have found as I've become more of an emotionally regulated person, the window of time before I've collected myself has shrunk. In the beginning, it still took a long time. I'd run really, really hot. I'd ruminate. But over time, as I've aged, I would say over a 25-year process,

• 30:51Ed Mylett?

  the perspective changes. And a level 10 thing is more like a level two or three that I need to address. You begin to slow down and see their perspective, their intent. Sometimes you just conclude, this is really a bad person. And so do I need to win this conversation? Or do I just need to exit it and exit them? Sometimes it's someone you barely know that's triggered and angered you. They are living rent-free in your head if you respond with anger. You have reduced your emotional maturity below theirs. Isn't that crazy? Someone acts in a super emotionally immature way towards you. You get so angry, you go below them. Now they own you.

• 31:35Ed Mylett?

  Think that through. Think before you speak. Number two. Once you're calm, express your concerns. As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive, but non-confrontational way. Non-passive aggressive also. Like just be straight up. So you know those pieces in your closet that you find yourself wearing like on repeat all the time, that sweater that kind of just goes with everything, or these perfect pair of pants, those are the pieces that make getting dressed easy, and that's what Quince does best. Quince focuses on high-quality wardrobe staples with premium materials like 100% Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton. The styles are timeless, versatile, and designed to become the dependable pieces you reach for every day. It's what I'm wearing right

• 32:19Ed Mylett?

  now. They give you the softness and quality you'd expect from a luxury brand without the price tag. Quince also makes premium pants, fitted tees and polos, and breathable activewear. Quality basics designed to work with your wardrobe and hold up to everyday wear. I love their cotton tees. I'm wearing one now, and I get a ton of compliments when I wear them on the podcast and when I speak. So find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers, or go to quince.com/ed for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK, too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com/ed.

• 32:57Ed Mylett?

  Something really bothered me yesterday. It's been weighing on me. I was gonna come right back at you, and you know what I thought? Let's breathe on this. Let's get some perspective. So I've had some time to do that, and I want you to know, this isn't acceptable to me. And I don't want to be back and forth here and confrontational with you, but let me just state my feelings about this, please. I'd like you to listen to me, and then I'll really sit back and listen to your response. So state your concerns and your needs clearly and very directly, without hurting them back or trying to control them. Okay? Seriously. It's a big deal. Number three thing that's helped me, countdown. I have literally put a countdown clock in different things that are kind of immediate, you know, where I'm

• 33:40Ed Mylett?

  in a public place and someone's done something. I'll literally count down. I'm not kidding you. 10, 9, 8, and I'm breathing, too.

• 33:50Ed Mylett?

  All the way down to one. And I find that by the time I've counted down, oftentimes, my emotions have gone down with that count. At least to some extent. The other thing that happens when you start practicing these positive responses, you feel better about yourself. You feel less scared and angry. You feel more mature. You begin to see them for the small thing they're doing, or the small person they've become in that moment, and you feel bigger than it. It feels really good in life, you know, in the short term, to win the conversation and raise them more angry. But just for a little bit. And then you don't feel so good about yourself after. You feel like you need to take a shower, don't you? Or a bath. And you're like, this is not who I am. But when you count down and rise above it,

• 34:34Ed Mylett?

  but then you do constructively, assertively respond, you feel bigger. And you've made it a deposit, not only in your emotional maturity, but in your identity, in your self-confidence. I am in such control of myself and my emotions that even under the highest level of duress, I behave in a way that's conducive and congruent with who I truly am as a person. Your self-confidence actually goes up. Number four. Go get some exercise. If you're really feeling angry, stop, go get some exercise. Take a walk, do some jumping jacks, work out. Physical activity can help reduce that stress level, and it can cause you to become much less angry. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or a run.

• 35:17Ed Mylett?

  Spend some time doing some other enjoyable physical activity, stretching something. You'll just, you'll just be different. It doesn't mean the thing's still not bothering you. And by the way, what I'm not saying is just let it go. You should not let it go. Okay? When you're angry. But you should be able to regulate yourself. Number five. Take a timeout. Literally, timeouts aren't just for kids. Go give yourself a timeout. You're like, Ed, are you serious? I'm like, yep. I'm using one of these all the time. Give yourself some short breaks during times of the day. Sometimes we just feel ourselves getting worked up about something, don't you? And you're ruminating on it, and you're, it's not something someone else did, or it's just, you're just ruminating. It just gets bigger and bigger. We keep replaying the thought. We do thought stacking. We ruminate. Get away from it. Take a time out. A few moments of quiet time might help you feel

• 36:01Ed Mylett?

  better prepared to handle what's ahead of you. Number six, take a breather and literally when you're stressed or angry, your breathing becomes shallower and it speeds up as you grow angry. So reverse the trend and your anger by taking slow, deep breaths from your nose and exhaling from your mouth for several moments.

• 36:37Ed Mylett?

  I'll do that for 30 seconds, a minute, two minutes. Number one change for me is controlling my breathing. Fear and anger are the same breathing patterns. Strength, confidence, bliss and peace also are the same breathing patterns. Laughter and ecstasy, all the same breathing patterns.

• 36:58Ed Mylett?

  So regulate your breathing. Number seven, stick with I statements. Okay, what I mean by that is criticizing or placing blame might only increase tension. Instead, use I statements to describe the problem. Instead of you, okay, use I statements. Be respectful and specific. For example, say, "I'm upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes." Instead of saying, "You never do the dishes. You never do the housework." You, you, stop with the you statements and start with I statements. "I'm upset. You left the table without offering to help with the dishes." I know that's something very basic or "I'm upset with what you said. I'm upset with what you did," not you, because now you're in this thing. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Try to use I statements.

• 37:42Ed Mylett?

  Number eight, if it helps you, repeat a mantra. Find a word or a phrase that helps you calm down and refocus. Repeat that word again and again. It's like, relax, take it easy. You'll be okay. It's okay. It's okay. By the way, mine is chill dude. Chilax. Chill dude. Chilax. Just chilax. Chilax. Chill dude. Chilax. And I'll repeat that mantra and it reduces the tension. Number nine, humor. Lightning up can help diffuse tension. Use humor to help you face what's making you angry and possibly giving you unrealistic expectations you have for how things should go. Don't use sarcasm. It hurts feelings. It's passive aggressive and it makes things worse. Okay? Number 10.

• 38:28Ed Mylett?

  Play some tunes. Get some music going. It'll calm you down. I like to listen to worship music when I'm stressed, angry. Instantly gives me perspective, instantly takes me elsewhere. Okay? Number 11, picture a stop sign, literally a verbal, physical stop sign, like you see on the side of the street. That universal symbol to stop can help you calm down when you're angry. It's a quick way to help you kind of visualize the need to halt yourself and your actions and maybe walk away from a moment. Few more things. Number 12. Write it in your journal. I give you that one because it's worked for many people I coach. For me, when I'm angry, I can't even write. Right? But for some people, it's taking pen to paper and releasing it through themselves onto

• 39:12Ed Mylett?

  a piece of paper, instead of releasing that venom onto another person. Number 13 is just move. Physically, just move. Move your body, move out of a space, move out of an environment, go work out, as I said, but also just get out of the space. Move. If you're indoors, get outside. Right? Move. And then lastly, 14, if you've got these anger issues repeatedly, know when to seek some help. Learning to control your anger can be a challenge for some people at times and seeking help for anger issues is a loving gesture. It means you're trying to love yourself and the people around you. If your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret, really ever, or hurts those around you, try my techniques here or go get some help. That's what I recommend.

• 39:57Ed Mylett?

  Now I want to finish by just talking to you, my friend, if you are receiving anger from somebody.

• 40:05Ed Mylett?

  You need to give them consequences now. You deserve better. There is a life out there. Or someone who loves you will show you they love you. There's a life out there with friends, with colleagues, and in your intimate relationship, where you're not having to constantly seek an apology from somebody. See, the best apology is a behavior not repeated. That's real apology. And if you're in a relationship where they're hurting you verbally or physically, you give them consequences. And if it's a repeated behavior, that consequence is you're leaving.

• 40:47Ed Mylett?

  It's the hardest thing in life to do, but there are too many wonderful people in the world for you to stay in an environment where you suffer, where you shrink, where you modulate your behavior, where you walk on eggshells. You know, the bottom line, the people around you should make you feel better about yourself.

• 41:07Ed Mylett?

  They should make you feel safe. See, great leaders in business, if you go look at a lot of my leadership, I'll say the number one job of a leader is to create safety. The people feel safe in your environment, there's a big vision, but there's a direction they're going, they feel appreciated, but they feel safe. They feel safe. People can only be the fullest expression of themselves when they feel safe to do so. If someone doesn't feel safe around you, it's like when you first meet a stranger. You don't know them yet until they feel safe to be themselves with you. That lady when I first met, I didn't know you were this funny, I didn't know you could dance. Man, you're great, like, you don't know any of this until someone feels safe with you. People will never be the fullest and best and truest expression of themselves until they feel safe with you.

• 41:50Ed Mylett?

  That's true in business, and that is true in life and family, personal and intimate relationships. If this person doesn't make you feel safe, you'll never become you in that environment. You'll never have the love, or in business, the performance, the expression, the achievement that you deserve if you don't feel safe with that person. And so ask yourself that question. Do I always feel safe with this person? Not some of the time, not most of the time, all of the time. See, in relationships, we're going to get frustrated with one another. There's going to be some anger, there's going to be some angst. But it should never get to the point where we don't feel safe.

• 42:35Ed Mylett?

  Where we're going to take incoming fire verbally from somebody, certainly never physically. But even verbally, where it's incoming fire. Because as I said in the beginning, some things you can't undo. Some things can never be unsaid. Be very careful what you say in anger. Matters so much. You alter the relationship permanently. Remember that thing I asked you in the beginning? What's the worst thing someone's ever said to you that hurt you the most? You'll never forget it. You'll never forget it. If that list is more than one with the same person, you need to evaluate that.

• 43:15Ed Mylett?

  If you're the distributor of that anger and you've done it more than once to somebody, you need to go back and watch this again. I just want to remind you, you were born to do something great with your life. You deserve to be happy and successful and loved and protected in all you do. Both the men and the women here, men, I'm speaking to you absolutely as much as I am. If you're in a relationship with a woman where you don't feel safe, you can't be yourself. She criticizes, she's passive aggressive, she verbally or physically hurts you. She puts you down in front of other people or privately. You deserve better, brother. Ladies, I think you know most of the time today, who I've been talking to. And it's you, my precious sister.

• 44:00Ed Mylett?

  You deserve to be loved and protected and to feel safe and to become the highest expression of yourself in that environment with the people around you. All right, everybody, I hope today helped you. God bless you. Treat each other kindly.