Pod Insights The School of Greatness 512 Matthew Hussey: The Keys to a Great Love Life About this episode "Don't ever tell yourself you can't do anything because you can't do everything." - Matthew Hussey If you enjoyed this episode, check out show notes and more at http://lewishowes.com/512 Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX
Transcript 10,234 words · 7 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Lewis Howes? This is episode number 512 with New York Times bestselling author and top dating coach in the world, Matthew Hussey. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin. Ah, yes, my friends, who's looking for love?
0:41 Lewis Howes? Who's looking to find that sexy, sultry partner that you can create amazing experiences with? If you are looking for a partner, or if you're in a relationship and you want to keep that partner and make it a thriving, successful love experience, then you have arrived, my friends. We've got Matthew Hussey in the house, talking about the two main keys to a successful love life. Now, I keep getting these messages from women saying, "I need help. I need help finding men. There's no good men in the world. How do I find the right one? How do I keep them? You know, there's so many distractions, all these different things.
1:26 Lewis Howes? And there's a lot of challenges that men tell with me as well. And it doesn't matter if you're a man, woman, gender neutral. This is going to be a powerful episode for you, I promise you. And if you don't know who Matthew Hussey is, he is a sought-after speaker around the world, New York Times bestselling author, a top columnist on Cosmopolitan magazine, and a dating expert on ABC's digital series, What to Text Him Back. Now, he's got a ton of powerful online programs. His viral internet content goes out everywhere. He sells out his seminars all over the world, and he has a ton of private clients. He's been able to pass on his insights and strategies to millions of people over 50,000.
2:10 Lewis Howes? 50,000 women have attended his live events and he's reached over 10 million people online. He is the guy. When you want to learn about any of this information, I've heard so many people tell me that they obsess over his content because it helps them find the relationship and keep the relationship. And in this episode, Matthew dives in how cognitive dissonance affects our love lives. Also, the two things we need to succeed in love. How to use the quote unquote bliss point in communication. Why confidence is a misunderstood concept in relationships. Why it's so important to make old friends now. And how to get someone to become addicted to you.
2:55 Lewis Howes? Guys and girls and everyone, this is going to blow your minds. Now, this is actually a speech that Matthew gave at last year's Summit of Greatness. And he was one of the best speakers I've literally ever seen. And it's amazing to watch him live. So if you haven't gone through one of his programs or seen him live, I recommend following his stuff and checking him out. But this is just also a taste of what you're going to be getting at this year's Summit of Greatness. If you haven't seen the lineup of incredible speakers, make sure to go to SummitOfGreatness.com. Get your ticket right now. I'm telling you, it's going to be the most inspirational event of the year.
3:39 Lewis Howes? So I hope to see you guys there. And I want to give a shout out to the review of the week. This is from James Barbour, who is on Broadway right now. Big shout out to James. He is the lead in The Phantom of the Opera. And he says, "I have to say that listening to Lewis on the School of Greatness brings true inspiration into my life and the lives of everyone of whom I've introduced the podcast to. The School of Greatness is like a tool belt for me. With each new episode, we are given insights into life, which become the tools that fill our tool belt. And we learn from Lewis and his guests how to use these tools to better our lives and the lives of those around us. Live life to its fullest. Take a seat at the School of Greatness." And learn that your life is limitless.
4:23 Lewis Howes? So James Barber, thank you so much. And make sure you guys go watch him live at the Fan of the Opera on Broadway in New York City. All right, guys, let's dive in. This is the keys to a successful love life with the one, the only Matthew Hussey.
4:43 Matthew Hussey? I am somebody who's become known for coaching people in their love lives. It's a great gift and it's also a curse because everywhere I go, everyone asks me what my dating advice is. And I like to think by this point in my life, I have lots of things to say, not just about dating. But I did want to draw on some of the things that I have learned working with people in this area. Because whether you are, how many people are single right now? Put your hand up if you're single.
5:15 Matthew Hussey? Who's in a relationship? Put your hand up. Okay, anyone not sure if they're in a relationship?
5:24 Matthew Hussey? Okay, good. See how confusing it is?
5:29 Matthew Hussey? So I know that what I'm going to say today will appeal to everyone in this audience on some level, whether you're married, single, in limbo right now. It will appeal to all of you because the messages that I've ended up coaching people in, in people's love lives, translate to business. They translate to every other part of your life. So I'm going to start with a slightly superficial, but profoundly deep story about somebody who, my assistant came to me a few weeks ago in Los Angeles and said, I have a friend who really needs your help right now. And I said, well, what happened? He said, well, she really likes this guy.
6:14 Matthew Hussey? She's been texting him. She really likes him. She's been out with him before. She thinks they have incredible chemistry. I said, okay, great. What's the problem? He said, well, they were texting and they were supposed to go out on a date. And right before the date, he canceled. I said, "Okay." He said, "But she really wants to see him again." I said, "Okay, so what's the problem?" He said, "Well, this is the text message exchange that happened." Right before the date, he sent her a message and said, "I'm gonna need a rain check, something came up, but I really wanna see you soon." They were then texting the next week. Got to Wednesday, they're texting, they're talking, and on Wednesday, halfway through the text conversation, he says to her,
6:58 Matthew Hussey? "I still need to cash in on that rain check."
7:02 Matthew Hussey? So she said, "Okay, great, I'm free Friday and Saturday."
7:08 Matthew Hussey? Mistake number one.
7:13 Matthew Hussey? He then texted back something I could have told her he would have texted back.
7:18 Matthew Hussey? He said, "Okay, great, I'll text you then." Now ladies, you know the frustration of that kind of a message. You know how utterly infuriating it is, right? Because it's a very male message, that one. Not to say women don't send that message, because I know you do, but men often send this message. Now here's the problem. In this moment, she says, "What do I do?" My plan A, leave it. Don't text the guy. And when he does text you on Friday or Saturday, you say, "You know what? Would have loved to have seen you, but I made plans, let's see each other soon." That's what you say.
8:04 Matthew Hussey? So I give this advice. 10 minutes later, Matt, she's on the phone.
8:10 Matthew Hussey? I said, "Put her on the phone." So I have her on speakerphone. She says, "So, so, so wait, what, what do I send?" I said, "Nothing, you don't send anything."
8:23 Matthew Hussey? You leave it now, right? He's being flaky, let him be flaky, and get on with your life. But I just feel like it's weird that I don't text back. Do you think he's thinking about that shit?
8:41 Matthew Hussey? Do you think he's thinking, "Oh, it's weird if I say, you know, I'll text you on the weekend for a date on the weekend"? No, he's not thinking about that. Leave it, but she couldn't do it. She could not leave it. So I said, "Okay, Plan B. If you must text him now, here's what you say. You say, "You know what? I'm gonna make plans, but it would be great to see you another time. Had a great time last time." So what he now feels is a consequence to being flaky. Everyone follow? He says, "Ah, I didn't offer a real time and a place for a date. There is a consequence to that. It's not that I now have this passive-aggressive monster on my hands,
9:24 Matthew Hussey? because that doesn't work, right? What happened is, she showed me she wants to see me, but that she will not wait to see me."
9:34 Matthew Hussey? Perfect combination. He feels a consequence. I said to her, "Either he will feel the consequence now of his actions, or you will feel the consequence of his actions later. Which would you prefer?"
9:47 Matthew Hussey? So she texted him. And she didn't follow any of my advice.
9:56 Matthew Hussey? Two weeks later, he finds time to see her in his busy, busy schedule.
10:06 Matthew Hussey? He goes over to her house. Around 7 o'clock, he has sex with her. And at 8 o'clock, he leaves to go out with his friends.
10:18 Matthew Hussey? I know.
10:23 Matthew Hussey? No one in this room would do anything like that.
10:31 Matthew Hussey? At this point, she says, "Screw this guy." Who the hell does he think he is? He's gonna come to my house, we're gonna sleep together, he's gonna leave, he's gonna go out with his friends? Screw that guy! Now, what had happened is, in the first place, her cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is the mechanism in the brain that allows us to have a blind spot. It's what allows a guy to treat you, or a woman to treat you a certain way, that if they were treating your best friend that way, you'd say, "What the hell are you doing? Leave this person." It's what allows you to allow that person to treat you that way. Because you find some weird justification when it's you. When it's us, we justify.
11:15 Matthew Hussey? So, her cognitive dissonance was stretched so much at that point, that she could no longer, in her mind, justify the behavior and still claim to be a self-respecting, stable person. So she says, "I'm out." Now, if you just take that small, two-week window in that story, you have the story of relationships. For men and women. See, there are two things going on. In any situation, in life, in love, you name it. One thing we need in life, which people are always telling us, especially when you talk about love, the biggest criticism I get of what I do is,
12:00 Matthew Hussey? "Isn't it just about being yourself? Isn't the whole game just being yourself?" Okay, great, that's revolutionary, wonderful, thank you. But if someone says, "Be yourself", and you're struggling in your love life, what do you do differently today? If you showed up at work and your boss on your first day said, "Tom, be yourself, mate, I'll see you around", how helpful would that be to you in your job?
12:30 Matthew Hussey? No, there are two things we need. There are two things we need. One thing we need is called competence in any area of life. Competence. The other thing we need is confidence. We need both in any area. It is not enough to have one. If you have a ladder of success, you can stretch one arm up in confidence, but you cannot get to the next rank on the ladder until your confidence or your competence comes up to meet it. You have to keep stretching each one to get to the next level. Because you could be, you all know you're competent at something and there are certain things you're competent at and terrified to do.
13:15 Matthew Hussey? And that's a problem. Another problem is if you're confident at something and you're not competent. If I got up here...
13:23 Matthew Hussey? If I got up here and I was com... People overvalue confidence in a lot of ways. If I got up here and I was confident but not competent, this would be a mess, right? I'm only good at public speaking because I have gotten competent at that over the years. That's what's made me good at that skill. So we need competence and confidence. Now, in our love lives, it's hard to be competent when everyone is telling us different things. Everyone gives us different advice in our love lives. Make the first move. Make the first move. You want to speak to someone, go over there, make the first move. But then ladies, you here, be feminine. Don't walk over there and approach him. You're not going to seem like a woman in that moment. You're going to seem desperate. Alright? Even guys are giving that advice.
14:08 Matthew Hussey? Stand there, be cool, be James Bond.
14:12 Matthew Hussey? So now you've got a bunch of guys walking around clubs and bars like this.
14:27 Matthew Hussey? Yeah, ladies, you make those noises now, but you do not approach those guys. Alright? You think you arrogant prick.
14:37 Matthew Hussey? Some people say, "Be honest about what you want." "Hey, you want a relationship, you want marriage, you want kids, be honest about that shit." The other person says, "Do not talk about the future."
14:51 Matthew Hussey? Don't talk about the future, don't talk about the fact that you want marriage or kids, don't even allude to the fact that you're gonna be on this planet tomorrow.
14:58 Matthew Hussey? Be chill, leave some mystery. Look your best, every time you leave your house, look your best. Groom, ladies, wear makeup, wear your best outfit, men, put on your crisp suit. Why? 'Cause you never know. You never know. If you stay ready, you do not have to get ready. You never know when you're gonna be... You never know when you're gonna be in the grocery store in aisle 5, and Mr. or Mrs. Riot is buying her Cheerios.
15:27 Matthew Hussey? And any other day, she would've looked at you and said, "This is the man of my dreams, this is the person I have missed for the last 10 years. I didn't know I was missing something, but I know now." But today, she looks at you with your flock of seagull's hair, and your beat-up sweatshirt, your jogging bottoms,
15:47 Matthew Hussey? sweatpants.
15:51 Matthew Hussey? Translation.
15:54 Matthew Hussey? And she says, "No, thank you, I'll wait for the next one." So you have people saying, "Look your best." You have other people saying, "The right person is gonna love you for who you are." You have people over here saying, "You don't have to do all of this stuff, you don't have to play games to find love, you don't have to learn tips to find love, you don't have to take a program to find love." Let me tell, let me tell you something, Jane.
16:19 Matthew Hussey? Here's what I've learned.
16:22 Matthew Hussey? The right guy, the ri... Janey.
16:28 Matthew Hussey? The right guy, he's gonna come along when you least expect it.
16:37 Matthew Hussey? You say, "Wonderful." But I haven't been expecting this shit for the last 10 years.
16:49 Matthew Hussey? So we have all these conflicting frames. You have the media as a problem, of course. The media. Twilight has bred an entire generation of women to believe that the best way to get the two hottest men in town chasing you for the end of time is to be a pouty adolescent. Is to never smile. Just be miserable. They won't be able to get enough of you.
17:23 Matthew Hussey? One Direction. English band, love them, cute guys. They bring out a song. "You don't know you're beautiful, and that's what makes you beautiful."
17:41 Matthew Hussey? Hold on a minute.
17:44 Matthew Hussey? Who in here has ever said to anyone, "What I'm really attracted to in you is your crippling insecurity"?
17:59 Matthew Hussey? No, those are not the people One Direction is screwing in their dressing room.
18:07 Matthew Hussey? We have, of course, Fifty Shades of Grey. Fifty Shades of Grey, yeah. Wow, worldwide phenomenon. People reading it on the train. Fifty Shades of Grey. Who do we have in Fifty Shades of Grey? We have Christian Grey. Christian Grey, what is Christian Grey? He's young, young, right? He's in his late twenties. I think he's around 27, something like that. Mmm, young, tasty, mmm.
18:37 Matthew Hussey? What else is Christian Grey? Successful. He's a risk taker. He's an entrepreneur. He's a guy who goes out there and gets what he wants in life. That's sexy, isn't it? Right? What else? What else? The author, as she was writing of Christian Grey's character, what else did she need to make? She said, "I really need to make this man pornographic. What else do I need to give him?" He's... Well, he's good. Loves the old sex, doesn't he?
19:04 Matthew Hussey? Loves it. And of course, he, you know, she's with him and she's like, "Oh my god, it's so dangerous. It's different than anything I've done before, but you make me feel safe when I'm doing it. Alright, just turn on. I like this."
19:20 Matthew Hussey? I don't know what I'm feeling.
19:23 Matthew Hussey? And then she says, "He also has to be rich." Now I like the fact that she didn't, she really went for it. She didn't say, "He has to be a millionaire." She sat around her room of, I imagine she sat around with a whole room of writers and they all sat around and, you know, she said, "I need ideas. We need big ideas." And, you know, "Tim said, "Let's make him a millionaire." And she said, "I like that, Tim." "That's very, that's very good. That's better from you."
19:52 Matthew Hussey? And then, and then there's Johnson in the corner. And Johnson says, "Wait, I've got, wait, I've got it."
20:01 Matthew Hussey? Billionaire.
20:04 Matthew Hussey? She goes, "That's why we pay you the big bucks, Johnson. Yes. Yes, he needs to be a billionaire." So now we have a 27-year-old entrepreneurial billionaire who's really good at sex. You might as well be looking for a [bleep] alien.
20:22 Matthew Hussey? So this is the problem.
20:25 Matthew Hussey? Very confused. We need not just confidence in our love lives, but competence. Now, let me give you an example of competence. When somebody does something you don't like, when somebody exhibits a standard of behavior that falls beneath the standard you want from them, what do you do? You don't want to come across too aggressive, or passive-aggressive, even worse in many ways. And you don't want to come across as too passive. You don't want to come across as someone who will accept any behavior. So what do you want, what do you do? Many of us are afraid of confrontation. Now tell me, this next piece of advice doesn't apply to your business, to your family relationships, to your friends, and the lovers you have, and your partners, and your husband and wife.
21:10 Matthew Hussey? In the food industry, there's a term called the bliss point. The bliss point is the optimal level of salty and sweet that makes you keep wanting a food. Right? It means you can't get satiated, or at least you get satiated a lot slower. Think Nutella, think kettle corn, any of these things that you can't stop eating. The bliss point. Optimal level of salty and sweet. I said, "Ah, that's interesting." What if there was a bliss point in communication? What if there was a bliss point that was the optimal level of salty and sweet that meant you couldn't stop eating something?
21:44 Matthew Hussey? Or couldn't stop being with somebody?
21:48 Matthew Hussey? Let's say, ladies, a man goes on a first date with you. He, at the end of the date, says, "Would you like to come back to my place?" That's too fast for you, let's say. You don't want to do that. But you also don't want to now create an awkward situation. You don't want to be passive aggressive, because some people go, "What, you think I would do that? You think I would come back with you on a first date?" And now, his ego is bruised, he's scared to ever try any risk with you again. You've emasculated him. But you also don't want to be like, "Either, yes, I will come back with you, even though I don't want to." Or, "I have a lot of work, I don't know if I can tonight."
22:31 Matthew Hussey? Because that doesn't actually tell him the truth, does it? So that's a problem now, because he could try the exact same thing again next time, and you haven't actually given him a fair shake in telling him, "This is why I'm not coming home with you right now." What's the bliss point? The bliss point is where you say to him,
22:51 Matthew Hussey? "As attractive as you are, and you're very attractive,
22:58 Matthew Hussey? that wouldn't be my style on a first date. But you should ask me out again, because I'd love to see you."
23:07 Matthew Hussey? There are three parts to this. Desire, standard, inspire. Desire, as attractive as you are. You're showing desire for the guy. Now, you've protected his ego in the equation. You may not want to if he's a dick, that's fine. I'm assuming this is a gentleman who maybe took too much of a risk tonight.
23:28 Matthew Hussey? Desire, you're really attractive. Standard, I don't move that fast. It wouldn't be my style to come home with you that quickly. Now you show your standard. Inspire, but you should ask me again this week. I'd love to see you. You inspire him to be better. You leave the door open for someone to be better. Who here? Put your hand up if you know that you can use that in any relationship in your life, that model. The bliss point. How many of you are avoiding a confrontation right now that you could be having if you used the bliss point? You found the right level of salty and sweet in that situation. So, in this situation, when I told her, "Hey, look, with this guy, here's what you really need to do." You need to tell him, "I'd love to see you, but I'm gonna make plans, so let's see each other another time."
24:14 Matthew Hussey? Desire, standard, inspire, that's the bliss point. "I'm not gonna hurt you right now, I'm gonna protect your ego, because I want you to be better." "But I'm also gonna tell you my standard." And protecting your ego, and being a kind person, and having a standard, do not need to be at odds. Is this kinda cool? So, that's competence. That's competence. Competence is understanding that there is a pattern to relationships, and that if I'm better at relationships, if I'm better at dating, I will get a different result. That's not confidence, it's competence. Don't let anybody tell you you're supposed to wake up one day and know what to do in your love life.
25:00 Matthew Hussey? It's not true. We don't assume that with any other area of our lives. Why would we assume it with the most complex subject in the world? People. So stupid.
25:11 Matthew Hussey? Then, we have confidence. Now, the interesting thing about confidence is there are three layers. I'm racing through this right now, so I'm gonna need you to be with me, okay? Confidence is a misunderstood concept. There's no one confidence, there's three layers of confidence. There's the surface level, there's the lifestyle level, and there's the core. What's the surface level? The surface level is what you project, it's what other people see. Okay, I could spend two days with you on that alone. Because that's everything I've learnt about how to be powerful on stage, how to move, how to engage my body, how to use my voice, inflection, tone, cadence, rhythm, you name it.
25:54 Matthew Hussey? And of course, so much of surface is incompetence, it's in the way I communicate with people. By the way, when a guy or a woman sends you a message that says, "Thinking of you," and they haven't texted you in four weeks? Anyone had that message before? "Thinking of you," and that person hasn't texted you in forever? Okay, what do you say to that person? "Thinking of you too?" "Thinking of you too? Oh my god, I miss you, how are you?" Do you show it to all your friends and they all go, "See, see, he was thinking of you." What do you do? Or do you not answer the message at all? Many people will say, "Don't answer the message at all." I actually have a third option. Because I think competence is not always ignoring, sometimes competence is throwing the ball right back in their court. The next time somebody hasn't texted you in a long time,
26:39 Matthew Hussey? and they say "thinking of you" or "miss you", here's what I want you to say: "Well, duh." That's competence. Now, if we move down, because the problem with the surface is the surface can be disrupted. The moment I challenge you, the moment I reject you, the surface breaks away if there's nothing supporting it. So, under the surface, you have the lifestyle level. The lifestyle level is your life, the things that give you confidence, your job, your hobbies, the languages you know, the skills you have, the people you network with, the house you're in, the car you drive, the dog you have, whatever it is that makes you feel some sense of confidence,
27:24 Matthew Hussey? like you can be rocked and you still have things that back you up. You still have things you can go back to at the end of the day. Now, what's the problem with the lifestyle? People mutate one area.
27:34 Matthew Hussey? So, think about this. Many people, imagine there's a lifestyle matrix, and in this matrix are all the different squares of your life, the things that give you confidence. The problem is, most people have a big dominant square. For many of you in this room, it's career. You have career as your dominant square, and then you wonder why you don't feel so confident in your love life? Because you're not deriving enough confidence or validation from that, you're deriving the majority of it from one area of your life. I did this for 10 years. I derived so much confidence from my career, and let me tell you, it became a problem. Because the moment I became successful, the moment I got to where I wanted to go, I stopped for a moment and I said, "There's nothing else making me feel worthwhile." If I lose this, why do you think in a recession, bankers throw themselves off buildings? Why do they do that?
28:19 Matthew Hussey? Why do they commit suicide when they lose their jobs? It's because they didn't just lose their job, they lost their identity. Something mutated. Everyone in this room has a muscle that's been mutated. And you need to balance it out by working on other parts of your life too. There is an awful trend right now, especially in the self-development industry, there is an awful trend that encourages people to kill themselves working. And do not listen to it. Do not, "Wake up, work, go to bed, work, I'm hustling, I'm hustling, I'm hustling, I'm hustling." You don't need to work that hard. You just don't. I agree with what Lewis said earlier about giving yourself 2-3 hours a day. I've never worked that hard. The reality is, most days in my entire life,
29:02 Matthew Hussey? I got 4 good hours of work done. 4. The other 10, I was sat at my desk, I was pretending.
29:14 Matthew Hussey? So if you just, I do really well in life because I accept how pathetic I am. If you accept, "I've got 4 good hours in me a day", then you don't need to kill yourself pretending to anyone else that you're doing the other 5, or 10, or whatever it is you tell everyone, because we validate ourselves on how busy we are, and that is bullshit. Stop the sleep shaming, stop the work shaming, stop all of that shit that makes people feel bad because they got 7 hours of sleep a night. Oh, big deal. Alright, I get 4, who cares?
29:50 Matthew Hussey? So, we have to balance out our lives. And that means, hold on to your friends. Let me tell you, I've regretted in the last 10 years, the friends that I haven't held on to, and the people that I didn't invest in. Telling myself, there was a false dichotomy between working hard and building my business and maintaining my relationships. There was not. I could have done something. Maybe I couldn't have done 80% of what I wanted, but I could have done 20. I could have done 30, maybe even 40, and that would have protected them. But I didn't do that, and I regret it. Christopher Hitchens, one of my idols. If you want to learn debating, watch this man. You may not agree with what he says, you may not like him, but he is a master. Christopher Hitchens said, "One of the great melancholies of aging is the realization that you cannot make old friends."
30:36 Matthew Hussey? You can't go back and make the high school friend you never had. But the friend you meet today, the person you meet in this room, that you start investing in today, five years from now, you might be able to call an old friend. But it doesn't come for free. It comes by investment. And those friends will get you through difficult times. Those friends will be people you can share your success with. Don't ever tell yourself you can't do anything because you can't do everything. Hobbies, keep them up. They will make you interesting, they will make you a well-rounded person. We like well-rounded people, they are attractive. What makes someone attractive is how rounded they are, not that they're good at one thing. You will never keep someone that way. I had a girlfriend dump me, and six months later, I asked her why. She said, "You're boring."
31:19 Matthew Hussey? That sucked, but it was true at the time, because all I did was work. I didn't talk about anything else. I was boring. One good quality will never hold someone, but combinations of qualities will get someone addicted to you. Last thing, the core. The core. Now, the core is the part of your confidence that when everything else goes away, still remains. Because the problem with the lifestyle level is what? Can you lose it, yes or no? Yes, you can lose the lifestyle level, you can lose your job, you could not be able to weight train anymore because you get an injury, you could lose family, friends, partners, you can lose the lifestyle level. The core is what you're left with at the end of the day. And if that is strong, it allows everything else to be easier.
32:01 Matthew Hussey? What is the core?
32:03 Matthew Hussey? I remember, and I'm coming up to time, so I'll tell this story very quickly. I moved to Los Angeles from London for a TV show called Ready for Love. It was gonna be a big deal. Eva Longoria was the exec producer. I was gonna be the star of this show. Agents, managers, you name it, all came out of the woodwork to try and take a piece of me. Over the six months I shot that show, because everyone believed it was gonna be huge. It was a $50 million show. On dating. How great was that for me? So I took a year out of my business to go and do this show. My staff, I equipped them to deal with the business without me, and I dipped in where I could. But I took a year out. A year of slowed-down progress. That show, to cut a long story short, got cancelled after three episodes.
32:48 Matthew Hussey? I spent a year of my life on that thing, and then another six months marketing it. Horrible. Horrible, horrible, horrible. Not only that, but the most public failure of my life. Couple of weeks after it got cancelled, I was in a theatre in New York, watching the movie Iron Man 3. And I was sat at the back on my own, eating my popcorn, watching this movie. And Tony Stark, Robert Downey Jr., at the end of the movie, he says, and this is after he's shed the suit. He's not Iron Man now, he's getting rid of that life. He says, "My armor wasn't a hobby.
33:33 Matthew Hussey? It was a cocoon.
33:36 Matthew Hussey? I am a changed man. You can take away my house, you can take away my tricks, you can take away my toys.
33:45 Matthew Hussey? But the truth is, I am Iron Man."
33:50 Matthew Hussey? Everyone else stood up, walked out. I sat there, my jaw hit the floor.
33:57 Matthew Hussey? And then I looked around, and no one was left. And I said to myself,
34:03 Matthew Hussey? "That's it. That's why I'm gonna be okay.
34:08 Matthew Hussey? That's why it doesn't matter whether the TV show goes away. That's why it doesn't matter if any of it goes away. I am Iron Man."
34:22 Matthew Hussey? And I started reeling these things off. What's great about me is what I've learned. What's great about me is my voice. What's great about me is my knowledge, the skills, the ability I have to be resilient in difficult times. Everything I've ever learned, everything I've ever been through, everything my parents have ever taught me, everything hard times have ever taught me. The asset is me. I didn't lose the TV show. The TV show lost me. That's the difference.
34:50 Matthew Hussey? And I will keep doing what I do for as long as I have air in my lungs. And when I don't have air in my lungs, I don't care. I'll write on the board for the next four hours for you if I have to. That's what I do. Core confidence is the thing you have when nothing else remains. And when we have core confidence, and this is something I teach on my retreat, anyone who can get there, please come. Shameless plug, I don't care. One of the big, one of the big parts of confidence, and I tell you this now with all authenticity. One of the greatest parts of confidence is that all of a sudden you don't care about pitching yourself anymore. It's not pitching. It's just who you are. You're proud of something, you talk about it. When people are afraid to sell, when they're afraid to pitch, it's because there's some insecurity inside of them
35:35 Matthew Hussey? that doesn't think what they have lives up to what they're saying. That's what makes people afraid, okay? I have something that I do fucking great, you should go.
35:47 Matthew Hussey? So I will, I will finish up with this. I will finish up with this because here's what core confidence allows you to do. Here's what core confidence allows you to do. I want you to imagine a scenario. A butterfly lands on your hand. One type of person sees this beautiful thing, doesn't want it to go away.
36:12 Matthew Hussey? So they close their hand. And the butterfly either gets squashed, or it's still alive, but the moment you close your hand, the butterfly starts looking for the cracks so that it can get out. And the moment you open your hand, that butterfly is gone. Didn't want to feel trapped. Second type of person sees this beautiful thing land in their hand, and they're so terrified of losing it, they resign themselves not to get attached to it in the first place. So they say, "It's okay." "It's okay, I guess." And they ignore it. And the butterfly flies away. The person with core confidence knows two things. They have value to give,
36:55 Matthew Hussey? and they'll be fine if that value is not accepted. So the person with core confidence does this. The butterfly lands in their hand. They see this beautiful creature, and they bring their other hand up to shield it from the wind. And the butterfly stays, not because it has to, but because it sees the value in staying. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much.
37:26 Lewis Howes? This is why I really wanted Matthew here, because the key to life, the key to success in life, in my opinion, is relationships. And relationships are a skill. You don't just be yourself and be beautiful, or whatever you were saying, right? You have to really work at it. It's a skill to develop ourselves and continue to develop our strengths so we can connect with others. So, that was amazing. Do we have some questions? Who... All the ladies' hands went up, and one guy. No, I'm just kidding. Okay. Question first, yes, right here. Go ahead and say your name, what you're grateful for, and question.
38:01 Speaker 02 Sorry, I want to record this. My name is Emily Gary. I first heard you on Elvis Duran. By the way, in the video, I saw the golden microphone. That was awesome. My question for you is, I prepared it two weeks ago, is...
38:19 Speaker 02 I mentioned earlier, I'm a single mom with two kids. And I have a fear of dating because, you know, that's... I look at it as, you know, I'm not dating for myself. You know, a person that I'm gonna be with is essentially gonna be a stepfather to my children. You know, I need to pick the right person for them. But in the same token, that's a lot to ask of someone. Because if they date me, they're not just dating me, they're dating my kids as well. So I guess, what advice would you give for someone in my position?
38:48 Matthew Hussey? Well, you're trying to deal with a problem that hasn't arrived. The problem isn't that... this is an imaginary problem. When you have ten amazing men lining up saying, "I want you, I wanna be with you," at that moment, when you're struggling to pick which one, you can worry about who's gonna be best for your kids and who's gonna be best for the life that you want. Right now, your job is to be a mom in one segment of your life and to be a woman in the other. And to go out there and flirt and have fun and meet your needs as a woman. Your needs didn't stop when you became a mom. You know, my mom is my best friend in life.
39:31 Matthew Hussey? And, you know, it kills me that she spent so many years... She was... she's a mom through and through. She loves being a mom. But it's not her sole identity. You know, at one time, she was a fifteen-year-old girl growing up in the East End of London. She wasn't a mom then. That girl is still there in her. She's still that person, she still has that part of her. So, there's a couple of pieces of advice I'd give you. One, continue to be a woman the way you always have. Protect your children. And that comes in your discretion when you decide to have someone meet them. And I trust that you have, you know, that you have a much better barometer for that than I do
40:14 Matthew Hussey? and understand that far better than I do. Make time to do this. And you don't have to make entire evenings. The big thing people forget when they make excuses like, "I can't, I have to be with my kids tonight, I can't go out there and meet people." Well, it takes five minutes to meet someone over your latte at two o'clock on a Tuesday afternoon. Right? You don't... again, let's deal with the problems that are there. When a hot guy is saying, "Can I see you tonight?" Then we worry about how we make time for an entire date. Until that point, we just need the hot person.
40:49 Matthew Hussey? And that takes two minutes. So, we deal with the problems we have. And the last piece of advice I'll give you is this: People wear their responsibilities like they're baggage. And that is a big, big mistake. Your responsibilities are not baggage, they are just responsibilities. Don't let anyone infect you with the idea that what you have is this heavy load. It's not. It's as light as you choose to make it. Now, I'm not belittling the responsibilities of actually being a mum. What I'm saying is, in your language, it's as light as you make it. I had a woman come to my seminar. And she had... I had two women on the same seminar. One of them said, "I go out when men ask me about myself. I don't know whether to mention my kids." And, you know, she got all heavy when she was talking.
41:33 Matthew Hussey? "I don't know how to talk about them, and I don't know how to bring them up." And like they were this... like Darth Vader lived in their house.
41:41 Matthew Hussey? Right?
41:43 Matthew Hussey? This other woman... This other woman, she came back. Because she... we had, back in the day, this two-day event where women would go out on the Saturday night. And she came in the next day, and she talks about this guy who'd already asked her on a date from the night before, using our advice. And this guy started talking to her. And I said, "Well, what did you say? How did you approach him?" And she said, "I told him that he had the cutest chin dimple. It was almost as cute as my daughter's cheek dimples." Now, think about that. He walks... she walks up to a guy and says, "Your chin dimple is so cute. It's almost as cute as my daughter's cheek dimples." How light did she make that subject?
42:26 Matthew Hussey? One person is going by the fifth date, "Should I tell them I have kids?"
42:31 Matthew Hussey? And this person, in the first sentence, has said everything she needed to say. And not just in the sense that she has kids, but that she doesn't wear her kids as baggage. And I believe that's why he felt comfortable enough to want to go on a date with her, because he realized it wasn't going to be a big emotional ordeal. It's enough that it's a real thing, that it's a real responsibility, without it becoming an unnecessary emotional responsibility too. Does that help? Yeah.
43:05 Lewis Howes? I think, how many, how many women have you coached over the years or in person at your retreats? Matthew, your retreats are like $6,000.
43:13 Matthew Hussey? In our live events, there are over 100,000.
43:17 Lewis Howes? 100,000 women who have come to your retreats over the last decade.
43:21 Matthew Hussey? We used to do, last year we did a live tour, which was a one-day event, and we'd have 1,000, 1,500 people in those events. I'm taking a little break from that, but we're still doing our retreats, which are much smaller, around 150 to 200 people.
43:35 Lewis Howes? So if you guys want, if you guys can't get enough, you're starving for more of Matthew Hussey, make sure to check out his site and get the retreats, ladies. Okay, let's go somewhere in the, uh, let's do a gentleman, sir, if we can get the mic here. Name, what you're grateful for, and your question.
43:52 Speaker 03 Hello, my name is Kayvon. My question is about those three levels of confidence. Where is the starting point? And if your answer is core, I'd like to know your opinion on the advice of fake it till you make it.
44:09 Matthew Hussey? Yeah, um, no, the, the advice definitely isn't start in one area. The advice is be safe, attack all three. The middle layer would be building your life and the things that you derive confidence from. I remember going to work in China for a few months and learning Mandarin in, in the, the process, or at least enough Mandarin. And just learning a new language gave me a little boost of confidence, because it made me feel like there was something else that was interesting about me. Building the core starts with being a better friend to yourself. It starts by making decisions that are more in line with your values, even when it's difficult. And, and that's something we should be doing every day.
44:54 Matthew Hussey? And, and getting good at being alone, of course. Getting good at being, you know, one of the things that allows us to be really strong in a relationship is knowing we can live, is knowing we'll be okay. It's actually what allows us to, if you really want to know how to be yourself in a relationship, is be okay on your own. Because if you can be okay on your own, you're not afraid to enforce your standards for fear of losing the person. When you're afraid of being alone, the person you are with has a gun to your head the entire time. When you have a gun to your head, you are not yourself. The surface level is something we should be working on in real time, because it's so much fun. It's so much fun to get good at the surface level.
45:33 Matthew Hussey? So you can, you know, and by the way, you're a gentleman, but you can still, what I do applies to gentlemen as well. There are some nuances for women, but the truth is, it applies across the board. That surface layer, you should be learning tips and techniques and ideas all the time. Because you can have a lot more fun with it. Ladies, I'll give you a quick tip right now in how to talk to your guys.
46:00 Lewis Howes? Write this down.
46:00 Matthew Hussey? If, a friend of mine, a friend of mine, he's been a clean freak since, and you feel free to sit down. I don't want to make you stand for this. You're okay? Okay, wonderful. You're doing great already.
46:19 Matthew Hussey? There's a, there's a friend of mine who's been a neat freak for as long as I've known him. And when he was 15 years old, he said that was the moment he became a neat freak. I said, well, what the hell happened at 15? He said, I had a girl coming over. And I said, well, what do you mean? He said, well, I tidied my room. I thought I was gonna tidy it for five minutes. I ended up tidying it for three hours. He said, it was crazy. He said, so I go out to get some like food and snacks and stuff like that. And my room, I'd spent three hours on it. I was so proud of it. For the first time in my life, I really started to feel like I enjoyed tidying. Because I got, anyone been cleaning and you got in like a flow state cleaning, it felt, felt like really good. So that's what he found. So he leaves, he comes back, he walks up the stairs, his door is ajar.
47:04 Matthew Hussey? He says, this is strange, my door's always closed.
47:07 Lewis Howes? That's open for people that are in the US.
47:09 Matthew Hussey? The door is, the door, the door is open. He opens the door and his room looks like a bomb had hit it.
47:18 Matthew Hussey? He freaks out. The drawers are pulled out, turned upside down, the bed's on its side, it's a mess. He runs downstairs frantic. Mom, mom, where are you, where are you, where are you? He's running to every room. He runs to the dining room, can't find her. He runs to the garden, he can't find her. He runs to the kitchen, his mom is standing there. So still. And he looks at her and he says, mom, what happened? Did somebody break in? Did they take anything? Are you okay? What happened? He said, she turned to me eerily slowly. She looked me dead in the eye. And said, now you know how it feels.
48:02 Matthew Hussey? Now, now...
48:06 Matthew Hussey? If you wanna know, if you wanna know what the lesson is
48:11 Matthew Hussey? in that, it's that you can change people's associations in your actions and in your language. I was once shopping and the girlfriend I had at the time, as I was putting on socks, she wanted me to try on socks. As I put on these socks, she looked at me and she, this is no joke, she completely changed her own state and looked at me and went... And I went, "What?" She goes, "It really turns me on when you try on clothes."
48:42 Matthew Hussey? Now, bear in mind, I hated trying on clothes. I hated shopping, I hated the whole experience. Not anymore.
48:52 Matthew Hussey? I was like, "You want, you, you, you want me to try on anything else, or..."
48:57 Matthew Hussey? "There's some, there's some jackets over there, I'll, I'll give them a whirl."
49:03 Matthew Hussey? If you want your man to do something, telling him it would be nice if he did it, be really nice if you, uh, cooked once in a while, will not be nearly as powerful as the next time he's cooking an egg.
49:18 Matthew Hussey? Looking at him and saying, "It is such a turn-on watching you cook."
49:24 Matthew Hussey? Now you used my old language.
49:29 Matthew Hussey? Every man wants to turn his girlfriend, his wife, his partner, his lover on, but "it would be nice if you did it" doesn't appeal to a single one of our senses. My point, dear sir,
49:44 Matthew Hussey? is that it never has to be this moment where you say, "I'm gonna go to a mountain in India to find myself and to get good at being me." You don't need to do that. What we need to do is work on the skillset that makes us look confident, build up our life that makes us feel confident, and build up a friendship within ourselves that makes us feel worthy, regardless of whether we get an A in today's life exam.
50:27 Lewis Howes? Wow. Matt, you look so sexy. You turn me on so much. When you walk outside of the house and you open that dumpster and you just throw that dirty trash in there, you dirty man you. Just turns me on.
50:43 Matthew Hussey? What Louis isn't telling you is I've been doing that for four weeks because he said it a month ago. So I've... I'm quite good at it.
50:52 Lewis Howes? Standing up, yes.
50:54 Speaker 04 My name's Sarah Store. I'm grateful I met you eight years ago in Toastmasters with some of these awesome people here.
51:00 Lewis Howes? Midday Toastmasters, shout out. Yes, Midday Toastmasters, where I got my start.
51:06 Speaker 04 My question is, what do you think people are really saying when they tell a woman that she's too intimidating? I've never heard that myself. I'm asking for the group.
51:21 Lewis Howes? Just curious for everyone else, yeah.
51:22 Speaker 04 Yeah, yeah.
51:27 Matthew Hussey? Well, I am a big advocate for us taking responsibility on some level for the reactions we create in other people.
51:40 Matthew Hussey? Now, that doesn't mean there are no men who are intimidated by even a modicum of success in a woman because those men exist. I would submit to you, those aren't the men you're looking for and you don't need to worry whether they find you intimidating or not. The rest of men are littered with guys who just want to feel needed and significant. Now, some of them will try and feel significant in ways you're not comfortable with by asserting their dominance or making you feel more unintelligent than you are or trying to resist your growth.
52:20 Matthew Hussey? And those are the men that it's worth leaving as soon as possible. I always say, if you're scaring away the sardines, go date tuna.
52:35 Matthew Hussey? It's an imperfect metaphor.
52:43 Matthew Hussey? But you get my point. Sometimes, everyone finding us intimidating is more of a reflection of the pools that we're mixing in that we've become comfortable with than the fact that the whole world thinks women are intimidating, which on some level they do, of course. I mean, if you guys get the biological clock thing figured out, we are truly fucked. Because it's the only power we have left, is you worrying about your timeframe and us not worrying about our timeframe.
53:15 Matthew Hussey? But I do believe that there is a caliber of man out there that goes to the same coffee shop as you do, that is not intimidated by a woman's success. And I might put it to some of the women out there that maybe you keep dating men that are intimidated by you because that's more comfortable than dating somebody who doesn't need you.
53:43 Matthew Hussey? So, sometimes our comfort levels force us to put up with things we don't want until we revisit our comfort zone.
53:54 Matthew Hussey? We may not be dissatisfied, but we are comfortable, and many of us would rather settle for comfort than satisfaction.
54:02 Matthew Hussey? There is a more practical answer to this. I love the practical, you will have noticed. The more practical answer is, you as a woman have so many ways to make a guy feel needed. How do you do it? Well, can I, I'll show you something. Can I borrow a woman who maybe thinks that she's a little closer to, she doesn't necessarily bring out her feminine energy enough. Can I have a woman up on stage that is like that? Oh, well, you stood up. We know we have the right person.
54:37 Matthew Hussey? Okay.
54:41 Matthew Hussey? Hello, I'm Matthew.
54:41 Speaker 05 Hi, Matthew.
54:42 Matthew Hussey? It's good to meet you.
54:47 Matthew Hussey? So, Steph, you just got home from a hard day of work. I am your boyfriend. I notice that something has gone wrong in your day. Your energy is off, you're not feeling quite right. Now, I want you to be stubborn in not telling me the thing that's wrong.
55:07 Speaker 05 Okay.
55:07 Matthew Hussey? Okay, I wanna help, you're not really gonna let me.
55:09 Speaker 05 Okay.
55:11 Matthew Hussey? You come home, "Hi, Steph, how are you?"
55:14 Speaker 05 I'm all right.
55:15 Matthew Hussey? What's wrong?
55:16 Speaker 05 Nothing.
55:18 Matthew Hussey? Did something happen at work?
55:21 Speaker 05 No, not really.
55:24 Matthew Hussey? Like, something did happen, though?
55:26 Speaker 05 No, kind of, no.
55:30 Matthew Hussey? Is there anything I can help with?
55:31 Speaker 05 No.
55:32 Matthew Hussey? So, although this is extreme and quite hurtful,
55:39 Matthew Hussey? many women have done some version of this. Now, in this moment, you are cutting the guy's balls off. Because he wants to feel like he can do something, right? He's your man. He wants to feel like he can do something. So now, I just feel intimidated because I can't do anything. And I wanna be there for you in whatever way I can be. So what should she do? Should Steph pretend that I can help with an intellectual problem I wasn't even there for and therefore cannot solve? Should she say, "Give me your solution", and I go, "Well, I think you should say this to your boss and blah blah", and she says, "That was a good suggestion, honey, I'll do that tomorrow", knowing that you definitely won't because it's awful advice? Should you patronize him in that way, yes or no?
56:18 Speaker 05 No.
56:19 Matthew Hussey? No! We don't wanna be manipulated in that way and you don't wanna manipulate your partner in that way. But you know, ladies, there are other ways that he can be there for you in that moment. So sometimes, it's just about getting creative. Watch this, I got taught this by my boxing trainer, Martin Snow. He's an incredible guy. Put your hands up like this, okay? All right, turn side on for me. Okay, now, here's what I want you to do. I'm gonna put my hand here and I want you to try as hard as you can to straighten your arm. Ready, go.
56:53 Matthew Hussey? Okay, hard? Alright, now you put your hand up there and I'm gonna try and do the same thing. Get ready? Ready? Ready? Okay.
57:07 Matthew Hussey? Ready, let's do it again. Hold your hand up. Ready?
57:12 Matthew Hussey? So now, if we're boxing, and I wanna get some power off, I could try and power through you, or I could lean back to get my power off here. I can pull back and I can straighten my arm that way. Think differently. So ladies, how you communicate with your man? Think differently. He doesn't have to solve the problem intellectually. What can he do instead? In this moment, I'll be you. You be the guy. Okay, you ask me what's wrong.
57:36 Matthew Hussey? Sting happened at work.
57:40 Matthew Hussey? You know what? It doesn't even matter. It just made me miss you so much today.
57:53 Matthew Hussey? Give this lady a round of applause. Give her a hand. Thank you so much.
57:59 Lewis Howes? One final question. We have one minute left. I wish we could have him all day. Uh, yes. Right here. Yes.
58:10 Lewis Howes? If you can ask it urgently. Ten seconds.
58:15 Speaker 06 Hi Matt, my name's Debbie.
58:18 Speaker 06 What do you think trust looks like in a healthy relationship?
58:24 Matthew Hussey? In The Seven Habits, Stephen Covey makes a very interesting point about depositing
58:32 Matthew Hussey? money in someone's emotional bank account. And I've always found it to be a sort of a perfect metaphor, because trust isn't something that you just give to somebody because. Don't listen to anyone who says you've gotta go into a relationship trusting. That's stupid. Right? Imagine somebody said to you, on your way home tonight, if you see a shortcut that is a dark, dark alley.
59:02 Matthew Hussey? Trust that it will be okay and go. You would say, "I trust when it's daylight and nothing bad happens there, or I know I've got some safety there." In other words, we don't just, we don't just give our heart to someone. I'm not a big believer in just giving your heart to somebody. Our heart is, is not something to give. It's a space that someone occupies. And if you come to my heart and you're a good guest for a week, I might invite you to stay for another week. Right? If you're great for a month, I might even get you a house there. Right? I'll let you stay. But I can banish you from this heart at any point.
59:45 Matthew Hussey? And there are certain areas of it that are restricted to you right now as an early guest. So trust is something that is built. It's an accretion that is, develops over time. And that to me, we're always depositing money in somebody's trust bank. And we have to do that ourselves. Here's a reason you should trust me. See what I did there with that thing you gave me? I delivered. Now trust me a bit more. Relationships are the same way. And if, if the trust is gone in a relationship, it's not incumbent on your partner to suddenly just give you trust again. It's for trust to be earned and built again. And the process of building it is the price you pay for losing it in the first place.
1:00:29 Matthew Hussey? Doesn't mean it's impossible. It just means there is a journey to go through.
1:00:34 Lewis Howes? Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Matthew Hussey.
1:00:41 Lewis Howes? All right, I hope you guys enjoyed this. All you lovebirds out there, go find your partner. Go keep your partner. Create the most amazing, magical love life ever. And let me know what you enjoyed about this episode. Again, this was from the Summit of Greatness last year. Matthew was kind enough to let us reshare this and let you guys listen. But make sure if you want to dive in deeper with Matthew, check out his content, check him out online. His YouTube channel is blowing up. It's massive and people watch from all over the world. Check out one of his live events as well. If you're serious about diving in and trying to find that partner that you really want to find, he is incredible at what he does.
1:01:24 Lewis Howes? And his retreats have had over 50,000 women attend live. He is amazing. Make sure to check him out. Matthew Hussey everywhere online. And if you want to attend the most inspirational event of the year where powerful and successful entrepreneurs and dreamers and action takers like yourself from all over the world come in to one place, three days, and have some of the biggest speakers that you get to hear from and connect with, go to SummitOfGreatness.com. Get your ticket right now because the price goes up next week. And make sure to share this with your friends, @lewishouse over on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook, and tag me and Matthew Hussey over on Instagram and let us know what you think of this one. You were born for greatness, my friends.
1:02:09 Lewis Howes? You were born to live a great life, to have great love, deep relationships, meaningful experiences, and I hope this episode will bring you more joy, more love, and more connection in your life. Thank you so much for being a part of this community, and you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.
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