162: The Power of Detachment with Sabrina Bendory

Detachment isn’t about being cold or not caring. It’s about knowing your worth and letting go of outcomes you can’t control. In this episode, Sabrina Zohar and guest Sabrina Bendory break down what healthy detachment really looks like, why obsession is just a story you tell yourself, and how to self-source your worth instead of outsourcing it. If you’re tired of spiraling over texts or feeling stuck on someone who isn’t right for you, this conversation gives you the tools to finally reclaim your power. Get Sabrina Bendory's book, "Detached: How to Let Go, Heal, and Become Irresistible"Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Enrollment for The Self Love Course, The Nervous System Course, and The Break Up Course is now closed. For your continued education and growth, please explore The Foundation Course, which is currently available. Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Hey Spotify listeners. When you travel with American Airlines, you'll enjoy comfort and convenience at every altitude. Before takeoff, unwind in the Admirals Club Lounge with curated self-serve offerings of hearty bites and refreshments. In flight, stay connected with high-speed Wi-Fi, sponsored by AT&T. Your journey is designed to feel easy from the moment you check in to the moment you arrive. No matter where you're going, American gets you there. Book now at aa.com.

• 0:27Speaker 01

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• 0:56Sabrina Zohar?

  Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Welcome back, babes. Happy Friday. I'm excited. It's our guest episode of the month, and we have Sabrina Bendori here. And we're talking about a hot subject that you guys ask a lot about: detachment. How to actually detach. What does that look like? And we give you a different perspective, some different tools, and I'm just really excited. So guys, as always, if you need anything, everything will be at sabrinaZohar.com or the link in the show notes. If you want to work one-on-one, ask a question, whatever you guys need. And as always, thank you, guys. Thank you for showing up. Thank you for rating and reviewing the show. Please don't forget to subscribe, all the fun stuff. And thank you, guys, for being here. So, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Sabrina.

• 1:37Speaker 03

  Sabrina.

• 1:38Sabrina Zohar?

  Welcome, Sabrina squared. Well, you did it. Welcome to the show.

• 1:42Speaker 03

  Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here. I can't even tell you how much I've been looking forward to this.

• 1:46Sabrina Zohar?

  I'm so stoked. I know that when you reached out originally that your book was coming out, I was so excited because I'm like, wait a minute, you were like one of my OG TikTok, like I used to follow and I loved it. And I was like, you gave me inspiration of like, oh, I can do this. So. Yeah. Oh, my God. Thank you for that. You just touched me. Yeah, of just seeing other people have different thought processes and realizing like, you're not alone in thinking differently, which actually feels really welcoming in a weird way. Yes, and you know what? I really got to know you because a lot of my clients were like, the only people I listen to are you and other Sabrina. It was always other Sabrina. Like, who is other Sabrina? I looked into you, I'm like, OK, like, this makes sense. Yeah, I get it. This is the style that you like. From New York to California, here we are. So, before we dive in, because today we're going to talk about the number one thing that everybody asks about is like, how do I detach? Am I doing it wrong? How do I not care? Right?

• 2:31Sabrina Zohar?

  All of those things. But before we get into that, because you've got your amazing new book that's out, could you tell us a little bit more about you, your journey? And I think also you were a former hot mess, like the rest of us, if I read correctly in the book. So I'd love you to share your story a bit before we get started. Sure. Well, I've always been fascinated by people and understanding human nature. And it's probably because people were so horrible to me that I thought if I could understand them, then maybe I could have some control. So I double majored in English and Psychology in college. And I was always like, I want to write about people. But the greatest lesson I learned in college was when I dated a complete narcissist who destroyed me and sent me into the depths of my disorganized attachment style. And anyone who's been through this knows, it was the most unbelievably profoundly gutting experience of my life.

• 3:15Sabrina Zohar?

  And I felt so alone. This is a long time ago. There was no TikTok. There really wasn't social media. I think we just had Facebook. And that feeling, I was like, I wish there was something that just made me feel less alone in this. And I had this like vision that I would write about relationships. I was very inspired by Carrie from Sex and the City as well. So anyway, two years go by. And this guy, because I didn't know how to process anything in a healthy way, he was still living in my head. And I had completely emotionally shut down. I wasn't detached, I was dissociated. I was full on dissociated. But then certain people would trigger me, and I would go into this super, super anxious mode. But he was still in my head. So I decided to reach out to him. I was like, I can't exorcise this ghost from my life. So I reach out to him. And because I was so dissociated and avoidant,

• 4:00Sabrina Zohar?

  guys were very responsive to that. Not because it was healthy or a good thing at all. It wasn't. But because I had that aloof, mysterious thing, like, it would draw in a lot of male attention. And guys would be very...

• 4:13Speaker 03

  Very much like, almost like obsessed with me, but then like they would get to know me and I was such a hot mess that that would be the end of it. But anyway, I wanted to make him realize what he had lost. So I'm telling him about all the guys that are chasing after me and all the guys that want. I was 22 at the time, so don't judge. But anyway, he was like, he didn't want to get back together, but he was like, you should write about this. You should teach women how to do this. And so we went into business together. Not so smart. He decided to be like the tech. He was my tech guy.

• 4:41Sabrina Zohar?

  He was your tech guy. I was about to say, I'm like, this sounds awful familiar.

• 4:43Speaker 03

  Yeah. So he was going to build the website and I was going to write about it. Now, before that, I had another experience where I was ghosted by this guy. We'd been dating. He disappeared. Like, again, in the beginning, he was totally infatuated by me. I was like so aloof and mysterious. But then once I dropped and I switched into that anxious mode from my avoidant mode, that's when everything went downhill for me. Anyway, he ghosted me and then he called me by accident, thinking that I was the new girl that he had started seeing. Yes. And I had a male roommate at the time who was subletting my roommate's room. And he was like, okay, Sabrina, come on. Like, it was Friday night. They walk in. They're like, come on, Sabrina. Like, we're going out. Let's go have fun. I was like, you're not gonna believe what just happened to me. Like, I just got dumped in the most insane way possible. And him and some of his friends were like, sit down, tell us what happened. We're gonna explain everything to you.

• 5:28Speaker 03

  So I tell them the whole story. They break it down piece by piece. They were like, oh, well, you did this. He was so needy. He had no respect for you anymore. What is the matter with you? Why would you go to his place at 2 a.m.? And I was like, this is what the world needs. The women of the world need to know this. We need honest, real advice from men. So that had happened. Got back in touch with the ex. He's like, let's start a site. And that's really where it began. Obviously, it wasn't a very healthy situation, working with an ex who I was still in love with, who unbeknownst to me was also a narcissist. And I do not use that term lightly. I do not. I do not. That term has a lot of gravitas for me because of what I've been through. So I take it very, very seriously. Anyway, that's really where it all began. I was in that partnership for a while. We created something very successful and really helped a lot of women, but it was not good towards the end.

• 6:13Speaker 03

  And I was able to really find an audience on social media. And so that's what I did. And now I just work with women and I write books and talk about relationships.

• 6:21Sabrina Zohar?

  And make babies.

• 6:22Speaker 03

  And make babies, yeah.

• 6:24Sabrina Zohar?

  It's interesting because like the thought of detachment, even before, like I remember when you told me that's what your book was about. I was like, oh, I love this. Because I totally hear it, like even with the questions you guys wrote in, which as a reminder, if you guys want on the Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram, I have question boxes and that's how we get these if you guys want to submit. But I, I started to notice some themes and in the, especially when we're talking about, well, I mean, it depends on what we're talking about. If we're talking attachment styles, boy, oh, boy, have I seen some holes in those questions. But if we're really talking about detachment, I kind of wanted to maybe go through a myth busting. What is what it isn't? Because I know for me, oh, God, I think back on my like anxious days and the progression of 20 year old Sabrina.

• 7:06Sabrina Zohar?

  It's like, you know, when you're sitting, you're like, oh, there she is.

• 7:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:08Sabrina Zohar?

  Was supposed to go out with one of the bartenders from, this was when Matchless, was that the name of it? Matchless, Matchless Bar in Brooklyn. If anybody remembers, it's been closed for like 10 plus.

• 7:15Speaker 03

  Oh, I know that place.

• 7:16Sabrina Zohar?

  On the corner in Greenpoint, right?

• 7:18Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 7:18Sabrina Zohar?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, blast from the past.

• 7:20Speaker 03

  Oh, that place closed? That's sad.

• 7:21Sabrina Zohar?

  It closed. It closed. And I remember, because I, I had way too much on there. Like, I was there all the time.

• 7:24Speaker 03

  Right.

• 7:25Sabrina Zohar?

  I lived five, like a 10 minute walk. So that was my watering hole. Like, I was always there and it was like the cool place to be for anyone that fucking remembers. And I remember going and like being just obsessed with the idea of these dudes. And I remember there was one guy, he was a bartender, because like, duh, a 20 year old me should obviously be going for bartenders in Brooklyn.

• 7:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:43Sabrina Zohar?

  That's what Sabrina should be doing. No offense to anyone that's a bartender in Brooklyn, I just had 20, I shouldn't have been dating them. And I did a lot.

• 7:49Speaker 03

  They were so hot.

• 7:50Sabrina Zohar?

  They were so hot.

• 7:51Speaker 03

  They were so hot.

• 7:52Sabrina Zohar?

  Blame you. A 20 year old like, hubba, hubba.

• 7:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:54Sabrina Zohar?

  And I remember he was like, this, my friend was like, kind of having a thing with him and he was like cheating on his girlfriend with her. And instead of me being like, hey, Sabrina, this isn't healthy for you. No, instead I was like, I'm gonna get him to like me. Because I want him to think I'm the coolest girl and that I'm the hot one. And I remember we were supposed to go out one night and he texts me like 10 minutes before to cancel and be like, sorry, I can't make it. I don't even remember the excuse. It was some bullshit excuse. And I remember losing it. And that attachment to the idea of them for it working out and like attachment to me comes in different ways, right? I can be attached to the idea of them, attached to the outcome, right? Because if he liked me, what did that mean? I'm prettier than her, right? I created this entire fucking narrative that now is. Adult, you're like, I kind of cringe when I think back on those days.

• 8:37Sabrina Zohar?

  But I was attached to so many things because I didn't have myself. And so I wanted to know, before we even get into audience questions, what is actually detaching and what is it not? Because you mentioned earlier disassociation, numbing out. So I wanted to know, because someone had actually said, like, how do I do this without numbing out?

• 8:51Speaker 03

  Yes, and that's the common misconception. Detachment is knowing that you are worthy, that you are lovable, that you are enough, without needing anyone else to tell you so. Detachment means you are absolutely in touch with your feelings. You are present, you care. It's not about detaching from people, it's about detaching from outcomes. And this isn't just a relationship thing, this shows up in every area of our life. For example, I wrote the book Detached. I put my all into it, I'm here talking about it, I'm promoting it, I'm posting. Can I control whether people buy it? No. All I can do, and if I'm going to measure my worth based on the sales, that is also not going to take me to a good place. Do I want it to do well? Yes. Am I still proud of it? Do I still think I created something meaningful? Yes.

• 9:35Speaker 03

  So I'm just using, that's obviously the most relevant example in my life about detachment. Detachment, I think that people get the idea confused with, and I'm sure you have a lot of opinions on this, the whole black cat trend, right? The black cat woman. And really where that originated was from the book Why Men Love Bitches. Did you ever read that?

• 9:51Sabrina Zohar?

  That's where it came from?

• 9:53Speaker 03

  Yes. Well, she doesn't use the term black cat. She uses the term dream girl in the book.

• 9:58Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay. Same concept.

• 9:59Speaker 03

  It's the exact same concept.

• 10:01Sabrina Zohar?

  Thank you.

• 10:01Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 10:02Sabrina Zohar?

  Because I heard, you know, on Love Island, they use, and she was like,

• 10:04Speaker 03

  I never saw that, but yeah.

• 10:05Sabrina Zohar?

  They were, because Ryan and I were watching, we're like, holy shit, this infiltrated pop culture now. She was like, you found your black cat.

• 10:11Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 10:11Sabrina Zohar?

  And I remember just watching it, and she was like, yes, he's my golden retriever. And I was like, no, he's not, that person. I was like, you're both black cats, you're both aloof, you're both standoffish. I was like, you don't get it.

• 10:21Speaker 03

  So I think that that concept just got so exaggerated and basically painted as, oh, she doesn't care, she can't be bothered. No man wants to be with a woman like that. No man wants to be with a woman who doesn't care. What they want is a woman who is confident and has standards and is not relying on a man to fill her emotional bucket. Obviously, your partner should be there for you and support. You emotionally, they cannot regulate your emotions for you. You have to, the way I've really been putting it is you have to self source instead of outsource. And where relationships can get exhausting for a partner, this is, it could be man or woman, is when one person can't regulate and relies on the other person too much to feel okay.

• 11:03Speaker 03

  Absolutely, your partner can give you those things, but you also, it will never land unless you have a solid foundation within yourself. I have been through a lot. I've been through a lot in my life. And sometimes that's going to spill into my relationship with my husband. No matter how much therapy, no matter how much work that I've done, he can be understanding, but I still need to take responsibility for what's making me reactive, what's triggering me. And it's my responsibility, especially these days, my problem is more going into that avoidance mode. It is my responsibility to communicate that, but it's not always his responsibility to do all the work to like, get me out of like that mode that I'm in. Does that make sense?

• 11:43Speaker 03

  Like, there's a balance here and it's so much easier to achieve when you're able to self source. And the way that you do that is by building your self-worth. And the way that you do that is by not being so attached to every outcome, to every glance, to every comment, to everything. When you're constantly looking at the world to tell you who you are, it's never going to be enough. You are in a constant state of reactivity. You get in situations like the bartender. Tell me I'm enough. Tell me I'm pretty. And when that doesn't happen, then you spiral. And then that leads you to outsourcing again and looking for the next person to validate you and tell you you're enough. And it's just never ending and it's exhausting.

• 12:26Speaker 00

  Hey Spotify listeners, when you travel with American Airlines, you'll enjoy comfort and convenience at every altitude. Before takeoff, unwind in the Admiral's Club Lounge with curated self-serve offerings of hearty bites and refreshments. In flight, stay connected with high-speed Wi-Fi, sponsored by AT&T. Your journey is designed to feel easy from the moment you check in to the moment you arrive. No matter where you're going, American gets you there. Book now at aa.com.

• 12:51Sabrina Zohar?

  And what I've also noticed too is the, I think the misconception with detachment doesn't mean you don't care. Because someone said, how do I not care?

• 12:56Speaker 03

  Oh, no, you absolutely care.

• 12:58Sabrina Zohar?

  You absolutely care. But what it is, is that to me, my mama has said it, and you guys have heard it, and you say a million times on the show, you gotta love yourself more than the need to be loved by others.

• 13:05Speaker 03

  Oh, beautiful. I love that.

• 13:07Sabrina Zohar?

  Because when you love yourself more than the need to be loved by others, and like Shark Tank, I think is the perfect example of when I realized I had put everything into one bucket. Like, my past life was, I'm in fashion. I have a clothing line called Software, wearsoftware.com if anybody wants to buy anything. And I, I thought that was my life. I thought that was where I was going. Like, I was, talk about attached.

• 13:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:25Sabrina Zohar?

  I remember, it's interesting. It's interesting to see now in hindsight, when I first started, I remember my sister's friend, Nikki, sitting me down and saying, "Sab, you know, it's okay, like, if this doesn't work, hyperventilating, no, it has to work. It has to work. But then I'm a failure if this doesn't." And I couldn't comprehend that if software didn't make me a millionaire, I am a fucking loser. I am the end of it. And so then when I had Shark Tank, that was it. I attached to, that's what's gonna save me. It's my everything. Okay? So I go on, I'm there, and doing my fucking meditation. I'm in, I'm in, I'm on set. And I'm like, this is it. I can see my future. I can see my success. And then they come in and they tell me they can't fit me in, and I get sent home. And I almost took my life that night. Like, I went into a dark, dark, dark, dark place because I put everything

• 14:09Sabrina Zohar?

  on, this is what's going to save me.

• 14:11Speaker 03

  Right.

• 14:11Sabrina Zohar?

  And I have shared this story before, that this guy called me, I had one date with him, and he talked me off a ledge. He literally just was there for me. And I remember after, then I started my career, then I started then, when I lost Clem, it really made me realize, especially losing Clem, that when I attach to the external, I am setting myself up for failure. Because if I attach to, I'm only okay if I have this, then what happens when I don't? So you're telling me I'm no longer okay?

• 14:35Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm. Exactly. Exactly. That is the perfect metaphor for what we do all the time. And for such, for basically my entire twenties, I was living life like a reptile. Reptiles can't generate heat from within. They need external sources of heat. Right? And that's how I was. I could never feel like I was enough unless there was somebody clapping for me, and somebody telling me that I was. And it wasn't until the Very end of my twenties, when I was 29, that I decided to do the George Costanza route, which is, you ever watch Seinfeld? Oh, yeah. Okay, so you know that episode where George Costanza does everything opposite? He's like, my life is horrible and I'm just gonna do everything opposite. And then all of a sudden, everything's going right. So that's really where I started because I was like, okay,

• 15:19Speaker 03

  anytime something doesn't go my way or it doesn't work out with a guy, which is like the prologue of the book, I would binge. I would starve myself. I would go out and get blackout drunk. I would go looking for guys. I would go dress slutty. And just so like guys would stare at me and give me attention. That was my default. Tell me I'm okay. Tell me everything's gonna be okay. Instead, I was like, I'm not doing that. I'm staying home. I want to do yoga and I'm gonna drink green juice. I went to like an opposite extreme. And I was like, I wonder what would happen if I started treating myself as if I valued myself. And then that really started to penetrate and started to change everything for me. And above all, people always ask me, how do I have self-worth? How do I decide that I have self-worth? It really starts with just deciding that you are worthy. It's deciding.

• 16:01Speaker 03

  And then you decide to look at things from a completely new perspective. Because that's the problem. We all take the perspective of this didn't work out. I'm a loser. Instead of, you know what? Fine, I tried. This didn't work out. This shows that I'm somebody with grit. And that is the number one quality that's gonna determine if you're gonna succeed in life. I tried. It didn't work out. I have grit. I'm gonna pick myself back up. We can look at any situation from how does this prove to me that I'm a loser? Or how does this prove to me that I'm incredible? And look at what I'm made of. And that's really what I started doing. And that led me to a place where I actually valued myself for the first time ever. And when I did, that's when I started dating my husband, who had no desire to date me for the decade before. We dated in high school. There was no part of him that was interested in dating me again.

• 16:45Speaker 03

  We would run into each other every few years. I would get overly attached to the story in my head of maybe now, maybe now, maybe now, he's gonna ask me out again to meet. Because I always felt that chemistry. I think there was a part of me that always saw that there was something there. And obviously, he wasn't in the right place in his life for a long time either. But I'm telling you, as soon as I detached, meaning I let go of that fear that I was gonna end up alone, as soon as I realized, I, of course, I'm worthy of Love like what is, why have I been operating under a completely other set of beliefs that I'm not? That I deserve to be treated like crap? Everything shifted.

• 17:20Sabrina Zohar?

  Oh, yeah.

• 17:20Speaker 03

  Everything shifted.

• 17:22Sabrina Zohar?

  It's interesting. I had my client who had a similar story the other day and because it's when we come, when we talk especially about detachment. Part of that, and I think the big part that people maybe miss is that grief is also part of it.

• 17:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:33Sabrina Zohar?

  Because when you're detaching, and that's my client, he lived for everybody else's, you know, he, we've been working through self-worth and things like that. And I think I'd share this on another episode, but too bad, you're gonna listen to it again. And we were talking and he said, at first, when we started going through all this, he was like, I'm losing people. I'm losing people. My family's arguing with me, all these people. And I was like, well, remember you're changing the dance steps. There are people are gonna take a minute. And so it's been about a year. And so we, we went through the hump of it's okay, you can lose people. And he was okay losing people. And for the first time, he didn't think of his act like this was, we were seeing progress. It was like, it's okay. Like, that's part of it. Then we had our session last week and he said, okay, so now I'm on a different side. And he said, now I went through, I had to lose all of it. I had to completely detach. And he goes, and now when I'm dating, all these people like me.

• 18:17Sabrina Zohar?

  And he goes, and now I don't have the same problems. And he goes, and now I'm realizing people are noticing and saying to him, hey, by the way, I've seen how much work you've done. People that he's meeting are going, wow, you're so different. You're so growth minded. I've never met men like you. And he started to realize, he was like, I don't even necessarily like want to, I don't need to attach to this. He's like, I'm able to just be in the moment.

• 18:35Speaker 03

  Yes, yes.

• 18:37Sabrina Zohar?

  And that to me was like, I think the biggest thing is I want you in my life. I don't need you in my life. Because that was where Ryan and I, like, I could be, I've said this a million times, I'll be 100% honest. If I didn't detach from Ryan in the beginning, because we fucked on the first date. We had sex on the first date and I even left him. I looked him in the eyes when we left and I was like, listen, you call me because you want more than this. If you don't, don't waste my time. I was like, I don't do casual. And he even said it, he was like, what was so sexy was you were not like, oh, this has to work out and I have to be with this person. And I hate to say it to anybody on the receiving end of this, right? For anybody that was us, right? That did the like, I need you, I need you. To the person receiving it, it feels so inauthentic because you know very well, especially when you're somebody who's a bit more secure within yourself. You know very well that I know I'm amazing. You know you're amazing.

• 19:19Sabrina Zohar?

  How the fuck does this person of two fucking dates know I'm so amazing? That they're hyperventilating if I don't text them back?

• 19:25Speaker 03

  Right.

• 19:26Sabrina Zohar?

  The other person can pick up on that energy. And people have written in saying, do they know? Oh, they fucking know.

• 19:30Speaker 03

  Oh, they know. They know.

• 19:33Sabrina Zohar?

  They, you ain't tricking anybody. They know. And this isn't to scare you. It's to be honest. Because I think someone had asked, how does detachment differ from indifference and coldness? And I think that's the trickiness of, like you said, the black cat. Can we maybe talk a little bit more about what it doesn't look like, right? Just being fucking aloof and being a cuntie bitch and being cold. Versus, how do you actually start to live in this space of detachment? I'm curious your thoughts.

• 19:56Speaker 03

  Yes, okay, let me get granular with this. So I'll tell you, when I started dating my husband, this is what detachment looked like. Like I said, we dated in high school. I was madly in love with this kid. He broke my heart. And I, for years, every few years, we'd run into each other and I would get my hopes up. I would paint the castles in the clouds. This is it. Like, we're gonna get, this is it. Like, this is my happily ever after and it would never pan out. Then we run into each other after I have this whole summer of me, which I talk about in the book, where I'm feeling good, I'm looking my best, I'm feeling my best, I'm living my purpose. And I just, I'm at the top of my game. This is peak Sabrina, right? So we run into each other, he messages me, and then he's like, we should get together. And I'm like, is this a date? Is it not? And I was so nervous that day, I felt like I was gonna throw up. And I was like, I'm not doing this. I am not doing this. I'm not getting my hopes up.

• 20:41Speaker 03

  So I told myself, I was like, you know what? If it works out with him, great. What a story this would be. If it doesn't, I will be okay. It turned out that was a first date. I didn't know if it was a date or not. Seven hours later, when he finally kissed me, I'm like, oh, we were on a date this whole time.

• 20:54Sabrina Zohar?

  And four kids later.

• 20:55Speaker 03

  Right. Well, so then, in the beginning, though, we weren't official. Things did move pretty quickly. And I kept my options open. Did I care about him? Did I like him? Yes. Was I present when we were together? Yes. I was not playing any games. I was not, oh, I'm gonna make him wait, I'm gonna make him chase me. I was fully in it. The difference was I was not attaching to any outcome. I was not terrified if few hours would go by without hearing from him that it meant he was losing interest and what that would mean about me. Because I had a story for a very long time that I told myself, which is I'm defective and I'm damaged. And a lot of that was the narcissist that told me so. And it's amazing how all this stuff gets wired in and then it becomes part of your inner critic, when it was really his voice and I never challenged that voice. I'm too damaged, I'm too broken, no one's gonna love me. That was the song that played on loop in my head.

• 21:40Speaker 03

  So in the beginning with him, I was still talking to other guys. Did I, not only that, I really allowed myself, when I, when my anxiety would kick into high gear, I allowed myself to imagine all the ways this could go. Option A, him and I end up together. What a story. Option B, okay, this guy who lives in South Carolina, who I've been talking to, like we used to talk on the phone a lot and like we were talking about meeting up, maybe I'll end up with him. Then there was another guy, my mom dug him out from who knows where, because like she was at this one, I was 29, she's like, you need to get married. So she started calling people. She found this guy sounded great, actually. Like, he was great. And we kind of lived these parallel lives and we were like in Italy at the same time. So maybe I'll end up with him, or maybe I'll be single for a while longer. And at that point in time, I loved my life, I loved my single life so much. If I could pick one point in time to go, if I could like travel back in time to any

• 22:23Speaker 03

  period of my life and just live there for a week, and then I'll come back to my kids, I love my kids, it would be then. It would be single, 29-year-old Sabrina, living in the city, because I was happy and my life was fulfilled. And it was like, if you're gonna come into my life, you better really be adding something, because this life is incredible. I don't need you to fill any slots, there are no gaps. Like, everything is amazing. So I really, that was detachment. That was detachment. It was, obviously, I want this to work out, but if it doesn't, I am going to be okay. There is no part of you that is scared I'm not gonna find someone. Whereas before, it was, well, I never like anybody. And when I do like a guy, I better hold on to him for dear life, because who knows when the next one's gonna come along? Who knows? So that was, there was no fear. I was not operating from a place of fear. That's detachment.

• 23:07Speaker 00

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• 23:34Speaker 01

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• 24:03Sabrina Zohar?

  It's also the story that you created. Look at the two different, like, my mom was, "I want you in my life, but I don't need you in my life," because they're in addition to, not instead of.

• 24:10Speaker 03

  Yes, yes.

• 24:10Sabrina Zohar?

  This person is in addition to your life, like you were saying, like, "My life is full. I'm really happy with the life I'm living." Now, that doesn't mean that there aren't days where you feel lonely, where you feel sad, like, you're a human who lives a full spectrum of, like, they're like, "But I'm lonely." It's like, that's normal.

• 24:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:26Sabrina Zohar?

  But what you're saying is, "I get to make a choice if you stay in my life," as opposed to what I hear attachment, and I know there could be people who say, "Well, it's healthy to attach in your adult life." It's like, no, no, no, I'm not talking about that fucking shit. What I'm talking about is attached, detached, right? To me, when I say, "I want you in my life, but I don't need you in my life," versus when I'm detached, what I'm saying is that I know that no matter what, I'll be okay, and that if this works out, great, and if this doesn't work out, great, because that's part of being secure, right? People that are secure, people that were raised in a secure home, know that boundaries matter, know that no doesn't mean scary, know that their feelings matter.

• 24:59Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 25:00Sabrina Zohar?

  So, all of these aspects, so if I'm attaching to this story and saying, "I'm only safe if I have them," well, then no wonder if I don't, Italian a handbasket, because as a child, you're right, if I didn't have my caregivers, I was fucked, I had to be attached to my caregivers, but as an adult, I'm not abandoned, my life isn't threatened because you don't choose me. What that means is that two adults made a choice that this isn't right for them, and if I'm going to attach to the outcome, I want people to detach from the outcome of people versus detaching from being a person and feeling, and I think that's the misconception, is it doesn't happen when you least expect it, it happens when you surrender to the outcome, because you're not forcing something in your life, you're welcoming something.

• 25:38Speaker 03

  Exactly, and that is what it's all about. That is what, you know, the let them theory, Mel Robbins, is all about, right? Let them theory.

• 25:48Speaker 03

  Fan personally, but I understand what you mean. It really is ju- I know, and I hear what you're saying about that. But it really is letting go of what is not under your control. Right. And it's not just relationships. It's every aspect of your life where you can just surrender and just say, I am going to take control over what it is that's under my control. A lot of women come to me because they are terrified they're going to end up alone. This is the thing that I see more than anything else. They're terrified they're going to end up alone. Okay, you can choose to live in that land in the cycle of worry and sit and worry. Am I ever going to have babies? My biological clock, everything's ticking. What's that doing for you? Nothing good. Or you could take control over what's under your control. So what's under your control? I could focus on looking my best.

• 26:33Speaker 03

  I could focus on feeling my best. I can read John Gottman's seven principles of making a marriage work, even though I'm not married, because when I am someday, like I want to know how to have a healthy relationship. I can go to therapy. I could do coaching. All of these things are in the realm of my control. I can make myself a vessel who's able to receive healthy love. And I really want to bring up this point, going back to what you mentioned before, about the unhealthy, what people think detachment is. When I was dissociated because I was so emotionally shattered from that narcissist, what it looked like was I would date guys. I wouldn't let anybody close. I wouldn't let anybody in. And once it got to the point where there was this expectation of me having to like drop that mask a little bit, I would panic. I would absolutely panic and I would sabotage and I was horrible. I would be so mean.

• 27:16Speaker 03

  I feel so bad for some of these guys because they just wanted to love me. And I couldn't allow them, which was nothing about them. It had nothing, they were great. It was me, I was terrified. And in that space that I was in, where I was, had a disorganized attachment. It was, I feel unsafe alone and I feel unsafe when I'm with someone else. So there was just no access to safety anywhere. That was unhealthy. That was me just being a cold bitch. Now, at the same time, if my husband was here, he'll also tell you that I can be a bit icy. Like that's still, that part of me is still there. You know, I am, there is, there can be a bit of a cold side to me. But it's something that I'm still managing. That is still a behavioral adaptation that I developed to, to deal with things that I've been through in my life.

• 28:00Speaker 03

  But I still care and I'm still present. And that is the key here. Being detached is really learning to be okay within yourself. And not being so thirsty for other people to fill up your bucket. That's what it is.

• 28:13Sabrina Zohar?

  Because when you're thirsty, it's like, are you gonna just take the poison because you need a drink? It's like, no babe. You can, I get that every day of like, questions will be, this guy's really nice to me, or this girl's really nice to me, but I just don't feel it. Should I just take it? And it's like, no, no, no. No one's asking you to do charity work, right? Detaching doesn't mean that you're just like, oh, nice person, take them.

• 28:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:29Sabrina Zohar?

  Detaching is understanding, again, I'm living my life as a full human. I am living my life, and if I'm allowing you into my life, that's because I'm making a choice because you have earned a place in my life.

• 28:39Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 28:40Sabrina Zohar?

  But if I attach to where's this gonna go, what's gonna happen? It has to be good. It ha- well, then that's the perception of control. And the perception of control is going to keep us in this spiral, in this ruminative, I can control the external. Which is also why, to my fucking anxious attachers who love to listen and chime in, and none of you guys, I love you guys, but some of them. The people that come in saying, you need to change the way you speak. I don't like how you speak. You make me triggered. You make me anxious. So anxious people, instead of being able to control themselves, they try to control the outcome and the external. I don't like how you're speaking to me, so you need to change the way you're speaking to me. Instead of realizing, I get a choice because then I can say, I don't need to be here for that. So instead of it, I'm gonna change how you are, it's, I'm gonna make a choice for myself that this isn't where I belong.

• 29:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:24Sabrina Zohar?

  And those are two different experiences.

• 29:26Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 29:27Sabrina Zohar?

  Completely different experiences because one is a place of empowerment of, I am choosing that this doesn't work for me. And I am not going to attach that there's anything wrong with me or a story. I find that detachment slash attachment comes from stories more than anything else.

• 29:40Speaker 03

  Absolutely, yes.

• 29:41Sabrina Zohar?

  Like, every time we talk about something, I'm like, it's the story that we're telling ourselves. Like, when I was obsessed with this guy in Venice, it was because he was successful and he was attractive. And so what did the, and the unattainable. What did the unattainable sexy attractive guy, if he chooses me, what does that mean about me?

• 29:55Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 29:55Sabrina Zohar?

  I was obsessed with the idea of like, I will be respected, I will be loved, I will be adored. And then I had to realize, bitch, you need to give that to yourself. Because when you constantly trying to seek that external, it's never enough because that's this endless pit of needs. That's why I'm too needy, no. Bitch, you're not too needy. Your needs might be too much for the other person. We're being able to separate and stop fusing with, I'm too much and there's something wrong with me.

• 30:19Speaker 03

  Yes, yes. And also, I just want to add to that. A lot of women will come to me and ask, why is it that I can't get the guys that I want? The guys I want don't want me, but the guys I'm just kind of like eh on the fence on. It's because of what you just described, that, oh my God, he's so hot, he's so successful. You're basically sending out an energy of, I'm not worthy of you, you're better than me. I'm just gonna try and overcorrect and overcompensate and hope that you don't notice and choose me anyway. Who wants to be with someone like that?

• 30:45Sabrina Zohar?

  Spoiler alert, they figure it out.

• 30:46Speaker 03

  Right, exactly. I think people don't even realize the extent to which our nervous systems are linked. There are some wild studies on this, I'm sure, because I love like you're very like sciency. But for this book, I was really looking into it, even to the point, there was a study done where they showed participants other people's hands being dunked into cold water. It changed the temperature of their hands.

• 31:06Sabrina Zohar?

  Wow.

• 31:06Speaker 03

  They showed participants for less than a second, a face of somebody being angry, and it affected their facial muscles. We're all connected.

• 31:15Sabrina Zohar?

  Mirrors, mirror neurons.

• 31:16Speaker 03

  Mirror neurons, absolutely. That's why somebody yawns, everybody yawns. And so you think, oh, he doesn't know that I'm like spiraling. No, he knows. People know when you are sitting by the phone waiting for a text. I don't know how they know, I don't know. I feel like this is like Joe Dispenza's realm of like the quantum physics, right?

• 31:33Sabrina Zohar?

  To me, it's the energy of which you get the response, right? Because it's one thing, like if somebody, say for instance, you really like this person, and they finally text you in the day, and you're instantly like, hey, oh my God, so great to hear from you, how are you? Right? Instead of being like, hey, how's your day? Right? Because you're living your life. Instead of, when you're constantly waiting, waiting, waiting, like I remember my brother telling me that, he was like, baby, if you're, he was like, sap, if you're always sitting by your phone waiting, he's like, then I think you need to fill your life up with more shit. Because if you have so much time, that hypervigilance of like, they didn't text me at this time, they said they're doing this. You have so much fucking time on your hands that you can address the other person's attachment style, but yet, what's that saying about you? You can diagnose and you can figure out they're avoidant and they do this and they do this and they shut down here. You're so hyper-focused on them, but yet what choices are you making for yourself?

• 32:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's very wise.

• 32:19Sabrina Zohar?

  That was, well, that was me, but that's my brother. That's my brother's point, though, of like, I was so hyper-focused on every single thing going on in the day of like, why aren't they doing this? They didn't put a period here. So then what happened? I started to show up differently.

• 32:33Speaker 00

  Hey Spotify listeners. When you travel with American Airlines, you'll enjoy comfort and convenience at every altitude. Before takeoff, unwind in the Admirals Club Lounge with curated self-serve offerings of hearty bites and refreshments. In flight, stay connected with high-speed Wi-Fi. Sponsored by AT&T. Your journey is designed to feel easy from the moment you check in to the moment you arrive. No matter where you're going, American gets you there. Book now at aa.com.

• 32:58Sabrina Zohar?

  There was actually a story I share in my book that I'm writing, which hopefully you guys forget about this story. But it was a friend of mine. And there was just like this whole thing that we were talking about in the group, and she was a little bit overweight. It wasn't anything major. It wasn't anything crazy. It was just she was a couple of pounds bigger than she wanted. And she, we all went to matchless. That's what she walked, a woman walked into a bar. And we walked in and I saw it, like I saw it firsthand. Walked in and her head was humped over, her shoulders, right? She felt really shitty. She walked up to the bartender and it was matchless. He was being an asshole. And she started saying, "It's because I'm not pretty. See, he gave you a drink quick." And I'm like, first of all, what the fuck are you talking about? I was like, I was waiting for 10 minutes. This guy snubbed me three times. It's not because I'm thinner than you. But what happened? Her insecurity was projected onto everybody. Then as the night went on, she was miserable.

• 33:42Sabrina Zohar?

  She didn't see that three guys tried to come up and talk to her, and she turned away. Then she comes up and she's like, "I'm leaving." And she left. And I was like, man, look at the difference that that night could have been in hindsight, right? That night could have been a totally different experience, but she came in feeling insecure. And then one of the guys even came up to me and he was like, "Is there something wrong with her?" She like couldn't seem to receive any kind of compliment. And he was like, "I think she sounds, she looks insecure." And I instantly, I was like, he picked up on it because we are attuned. I can understand that person, right? When people write in and you're like, "I can smell the insecurity. I can smell the desperation." Because look at the words that we're using. Because somebody that is secure is going to say, "I don't know that that works for me, but I'll have a conversation." Versus, "I need to figure out how I'm going to say this and I need to..." There's a different energy that comes into the room

• 34:26Sabrina Zohar?

  when you pick yourself and you're not attached to the idea of them.

• 34:29Speaker 03

  A million percent, a million percent. And when I had that summer of me where I did all that work on myself, I can't even tell you, it was freaking raining men.

• 34:38Sabrina Zohar?

  Yeah.

• 34:38Speaker 03

  And it was raining rerun men. It was raining men who I was like, oh, I'm kind of interested in. You know, I had a really big circle back in those days, back when I had a social life, not anymore. And I had a lot of guys in my orbit and I'm like, oh, he's kind of cute. I would date him and they were always kind of like, I don't know about her. Like, there's just something, I feel like people could pick up that I was like, I was a little sloppy, okay? Like, I was emotionally messy inside. And then all of a sudden, it was guys backing me into a corner. You have to go on a date with me, please. Like, I'll do anything. Guys contacting me from like, guys in LA who are just like, oh, I got your name from someone and I looked you, and I would love to meet you. It was crazy. And it wasn't just that, every girl wanted to be my friend. I was just a magnet for all of these things. And sometimes people will hear that story and go, oh, like, you just got lucky.

• 35:21Speaker 03

  It's like, no, because it was a decade of nothing ever working out for me, ever. Because I had an expectation that nothing ever works out for me. And so, nothing ever did. It was really only once I got into the headspace of, I have so much to offer. And I just felt so good about myself. And you send it out and people are always going to reflect back to you how you are already feeling about yourself. And just one more thing, like, that example you gave about your friend who's overweight. I just got this question in one of my group coaching courses, where the woman was like, I just feel like I'm too overweight to ever get a boyfriend. I'm like, so you're telling me that overweight people don't deserve love? They never deserve love? Like, they just like, are totally single? Like, every overweight person in the world is single? She's like, well, no. And I was like, you're making your weight your prison.

• 36:02Sabrina Zohar?

  Right.

• 36:03Speaker 03

  No one else is telling you that. You're telling yourself that.

• 36:05Sabrina Zohar?

  Look at the narrative, almost every, even here. I had questions I was going to ask you. What's the common theme of some of the questions that we hear? And again, none of this is shame or blame. Let's call out the elephant of the room. How do I detach from someone who's not right for me, but they're all I think about? How do I detach from someone when they were the best I ever got and surprised they were into me? I fear I won't do better. How do I detach? How do I detach? They treated me so well. I still love them, they've moved on. What is the common theme here? Look at the way we're describing them and then you wonder why you're attached to them.

• 36:33Speaker 03

  Yes, exactly. And I-

• 36:36Sabrina Zohar?

  It's okay.

• 36:36Speaker 03

  Yes, absolutely. And that's why it really- Starts with you and your relationship with yourself. A lot of the time, the people that you are way too attached to, or if we're getting into like the obsession and the limerence.

• 36:46Sabrina Zohar?

  Yes.

• 36:47Speaker 03

  It is because of something that they have that you really want for yourself. Maybe they are confident, they're charismatic, and you want that. You want to be that, but rather than cultivating it within yourself, because like, that's hard work, who wants to do that? If this person can choose me, then it means that I'm that.

• 37:00Sabrina Zohar?

  Right.

• 37:01Speaker 03

  Or you see it as, they, since they don't want me, they must be better than me. And so in order to prove to myself that I'm good, I'm worthy, I'm okay, I need to get this person. Because in reality, you don't really know anything about them. You don't even know them, you don't, I don't even know anything about them. You don't know anything real about them. The only thing interesting about them is that they're not into you.

• 37:19Sabrina Zohar?

  And that's it. Typically speaking, we only obsess over people that don't make us feel safe. Because the idea that we have built about them is so much better than who they actually are. Someone that offers safety to you, consistency, reciprocity, they call when they say they're going to. There's no guessing, you're not leaving in the blanks, you're not filling in the blanks. But when we have somebody that they're either, maybe you don't know them very well. Maybe this is a new relationship, maybe this is somebody that's like a celebrity, right? Somebody that's on this pedestal. When we say, I'm obsessed, I can't get over them, this limerence, what's happening is it's self abandonment. Because if I can focus on them, I don't have to focus on me. If I can look and project into the fantasy, I don't have to live in the reality. And that was a childhood core belief for me. My trauma was I would fantasize, I would escape. I would listen to music and movies and things where I'd be like,

• 38:02Sabrina Zohar?

  someone's gonna come and get me one day, and it's gonna be what the movies have told me. I would play Barbie for hours, because then I wouldn't have to live in the reality that I was in. I could fantasize about the reality I didn't have. And living in the fantasy felt safer. And so that's where I would say, what are my secondary gains? Right? What am I gaining by avoiding looking at myself? So if I can be obsessed with them, oh, well, they're so smart, they're so funny. And then, what am I saying about myself? I would really, anybody that's listening right now, if you're attached to anybody, you are obsessed with somebody, I would love you to take out a pen and paper and really write, what am I obsessed with? And then, what are three facts to back up this obsession? Because I used to like the guy that I had in Venice, I'd be like, oh my God, he's so funny. What did I have to back that up? I didn't have anything besides he had some funny videos.

• 38:45Sabrina Zohar?

  And so I, halo effect, I whitewashed it and went, his videos are funny, which means he's funny. And so then that caught me in this phase of, oh, wait a minute, I'm just trying to reaffirm some core beliefs. That's all I'm doing here is because that's how I feel about me, and they just reaffirmed that. And the reason I probably dated them is because of that.

• 39:00Speaker 03

  Yes, because the subconscious mind is always looking to prove itself right.

• 39:03Sabrina Zohar?

  Loves to do that.

• 39:05Speaker 00

  Hey Spotify listeners. When you travel with American Airlines, you'll enjoy comfort and convenience at every altitude. Before takeoff, unwind in the Admirals Club Lounge with curated self-serve offerings of hearty bites and refreshments. In flight, stay connected with high-speed Wi-Fi. Sponsored by AT&T. Your journey is designed to feel easy from the moment you check in to the moment you arrive. No matter where you're going, American gets you there. Book now at aa.com.

• 39:30Sabrina Zohar?

  All right. Let's go through some practical questions and some challenges. Someone said, "How do you detach when you have to work with them or they're your classmate?" I got that like seven times.

• 39:38Speaker 03

  Okay, I mean, first...

• 39:39Sabrina Zohar?

  I guess it was that you have to see them all the time. You know what I mean?

• 39:41Speaker 03

  Is this like an ex? We're detaching from an ex that you work with and have to see all the time?

• 39:44Sabrina Zohar?

  They didn't specify. I think because I get this all the time of like, I get it all the time. And that's why I'm like, "Stop fucking people you date or stop fucking people you work with." Like, please don't, don't sleep with people and date people when you potentially have to see them every single day. That would be my first thing.

• 39:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:57Sabrina Zohar?

  Unless you're like really comfortable with either way. But I would say, I guess, maybe both. Maybe one, if it was never anything like a situationship type thing.

• 40:04Speaker 03

  Right.

• 40:05Sabrina Zohar?

  Or if it was a relationship and you're heartbroken and you have to see them all the time.

• 40:08Speaker 03

  Okay, so the first thing I would say is you have to minimize contact as much as possible because obviously this is still an open wound and the more you talk to them, the more you flirt with them. If this is someone you have to work with, then only talk about work. Don't talk about anything else. More than anything, you have to pour yourself into something that makes you feel really good and really fulfilled. I'll give you a practical example in my life and I'm sure you have this experience too. Sometimes I get a little too into the social media, especially when this is our job. It's our livelihood. I'll post something and I'm like, "How many likes?"

• 40:36Sabrina Zohar?

  Oh, what?

• 40:37Speaker 03

  And I'm refreshing, like, how many people commented? Whenever I catch myself doing that now, I'm like, "Nope, I am turning this off." And I'm gonna pour myself into something that makes me feel really good and puts me in touch with why I'm on this earth. Maybe I'm gonna go play with my baby, play with my kids. Maybe I'm gonna spend some time writing because I feel like that's like why I'm here. I'm here to write, really, more than anything. That's what makes me feel alive. What is gonna make me feel so good and so back in touch with like why I'm here? And it's not, I'm not here to collect likes. The likes are nice and the comments are great. And, and yeah, it's meaningful. We wanna share our message with as many people as possible. But I know, I can feel it, and I'm sure you can too. I'm sure all of you can, when I'm getting... Getting too attached to how the social media, the people are responding to what I'm putting out there.

• 41:21Speaker 03

  And so I recognize that. And if sometimes if I have to just schedule my content and only set a timer of 10 minutes, I'm going to reply to the first few comments and not look at it, then sometimes that's what I need to do to like, regulate myself and get myself back. Now, how does this apply to dating? The same thing. If you're obsessing over a guy, if you're obsessing over your ex, if you have to see him all the time, you need to pour yourself into something that makes you feel amazing about who you are. Maybe you set a meaningful goal for yourself, a challenge. Maybe you spend more time with your friends, but you need to get back in touch with like what you're on this earth to do. And it is not to pine for a man or a woman.

• 41:54Sabrina Zohar?

  And I will say what helped me with, because the social media was my same thing. I would get really anxious and I would go.

• 41:58Speaker 03

  So tough.

• 41:58Sabrina Zohar?

  And I realized, I'm like, oh, you're seeking safety. You're seeking the validation. You want safety to know, look, look, other, right? It's there. So for me, what I had to do, especially in the dating, right? When we're talking about dating and relationships, if we're really attached to the idea of these people, was I had to actually face the shit that I didn't want to, right? So that's where I would encourage that if you're attached to someone, it's like, start to pull on the string of a sweater, right? Start to see it unfold of like, what am I scared of? I'm never going to find anyone like that. Okay. Is it really that I'm never, right? We start to get of like, what am I really so scared of? I'm going to be alone forever. Okay. Have I always been alone? No, I've had 15 boyfriends. Okay. So that's not a fact. How old do I feel? Where am I feeling this in my body? What's coming up for me? Like, I think for so many of us, that's why I chuckle when it's like, wait, you know so much about them and their attachment style and everything,

• 42:43Sabrina Zohar?

  but what do you know about you and yours and yourself? Because we can distract. I could go to the gym for six hours. That doesn't mean that my nervous system doesn't still think I'm being chased by a tiger.

• 42:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:52Sabrina Zohar?

  And I think when we really wanted, like, when I was trying to detach from that guy, he was the last person before I started changing the way I dated, the story I was telling you about. So he was the last guy and like I, up until that point, I had started to implement new things, every guy, right? So and again, heterosexual woman, so that's the norms I'm speaking. So let's say it would be a guy where like he would go four days without texting me. And so instead of freaking, I'd be like, okay, this time I'm going to do something different. And then the next time I'd implement something new, right? A different, different, different. And I remember this guy lasted nine days. And I remember the obsession lasted nine days because I remember. Like right around holidays and like it was just a short thing. And like I remember that didn't mean that just because the obsession lasted nine days and I was conscious and aware. That didn't mean that when I'd see him at the gym, because I would see him almost every day at the gym.

• 43:35Sabrina Zohar?

  Then my heart didn't sink, right? You know, the feeling when you're like, oh, I want to throw up. You know, you see them with another girl and the irony is, I remember he was with a girl and she was so beautiful. I created this whole narrative. I'm now friends with her and she never had interest in him. And she even was like, oh, him? She's like, he's the fuck boy of Venice. And I was like, oh, okay. But the show you like, I created this entire narrative that he found someone better and she's prettier than him. And instead, what I had to do was like, then when the next guy came and I was like, all right, Sabrina, you did something really hard. You walked away from the guy that you really wanted. He embodied everything you wanted on paper and you're okay. And so then when the next guy came in, I was like, this doesn't feel good. It was small moments and I think that's the biggest thing here. Cause someone said, how long does it take to detach?

• 44:18Sabrina Zohar?

  Well, there is no fucking timeline because there is no manual for this, not because humans are human. It might take you six months or it could take you three days. What will matter is how honest you're being with yourself, what realness you're bringing and how much you're actually addressing the narrative and story in the room versus bypassing it.

• 44:35Speaker 03

  Yes, yes. That's why I think the word I say more than anything else is reframe. You have to reframe. You have to, whatever story it is that you're telling yourself, you have to stop and say, what is another way of looking at this?

• 44:46Sabrina Zohar?

  Hundred percent. I want to know, someone asked how to make it sustainable. I can do this for a week, but then my heart struggles again.

• 44:51Speaker 03

  Okay. So to make it sustainable, you have to focus on building your self-worth. And I think, and I'm not really totally sure what she's asking. Like, I think, is it in terms of getting over an ex and not spiraling?

• 45:01Sabrina Zohar?

  Or just like the no contact as well, because like I, I can do it for a week and then my heart struggles. It's like, but that's also being a human.

• 45:07Speaker 03

  That's being a human and also that's normal. And unfortunately, like if I could come up with some magic bullet or some pill to like bypass the heartbreak process, I would be a very wealthy woman right now. But unfortunately, there is no way around it. You have to move through it. And I think that Sabrina said something very, very important, which is about validating your emotions, allowing them to come up and recognizing them, not just like putting them to the side. And that's definitely not like what I was encouraging for when I said, you have to throw yourself into what makes you feel good. Also have to be there for yourself. Hundred percent. If you're not there for you, who's gonna be there for you? It comes from within and most of us, the way we talk to ourselves, we would never be friends with someone who talks to us the way that we talk to ourselves. And so you absolutely need to recognize, okay, I'm thinking about Jim right now.

• 45:53Speaker 03

  That makes sense. I was really hurt and I'm not gonna judge myself for the fact that I'm still hurting over this person. It's a process and it's not, you can't just snap your fingers and just be a hundred percent detached. It's a process and it comes in the choices that you make every single day. It comes in the choices of what am I gonna choose to think? Cause the fact is like, okay, thoughts are gonna come into your head. You have the choice who to give energy to or not. Hundred percent. You could, Jim can pop into your head and you could go, oh my God, I miss him so much, I'm never gonna find. Or you can think, oh, he's popping into my head. That's normal. We're fresh out of the breakup. I'm gonna get through this. He wasn't my guy. He wasn't my person. He couldn't meet my needs. You have the choice. That's where your power is. Which line of thinking am I gonna go down? The more you resist, the more it'll persist. I remember before Ryan, I had this one guy in my head and I felt so guilty when I was dating Ryan.

• 46:36Speaker 03

  Cause I'm like, but I'm thinking about him and there's something wrong with you. And I finally had to stop one day and I was like, or you could just let it happen. So he'd come into my mind and I'd go, yeah, that was a really nice connection. It didn't pan out. I don't need to create a narrative about it. Right. And the more I did that, the less it impacted me to the point where, oh boy, reached out to me recently and I chuckled. Cause I was like, unsubscribe. No, thank you. The girl then thought this is what she needed. The girl now understands it's not. And that's okay. You're allowed to grow. You're allowed to evolve. You're allowed to outgrow people. And I think, cause like when I really read a lot of these questions, I think what I'm noticing is we're not trying to have you disconnect. We're trying to have you detach. Yeah. This isn't about never feeling again or hiding parts of you. It's like, part of being secure means that I know that vulnerability is really important.

• 47:20Speaker 03

  I know that I have to show these parts of me, but just because I open up to somebody or sleep with someone or do, right? Doesn't matter, doesn't mean that they now owe me things. Yes.

• 47:30Sabrina Zohar?

  Because I think that's where people get really stuck up of like, I did a video recently because a friend of mine had this experience where he was going out on one or two dates and these women were like asking him for a guarantee on the first or second date of like, well, I'm all in and I'm 100% and I need you to be. And a girl said, I don't understand, but I slept with him. Come on, Sabrina, that's ridiculous that you're telling me I can't. And I said, no, you made a choice for yourself. That doesn't mean he owes you anything. You are an adult, unless you agreed that when you walked in and you said, if we sleep together, you're my boyfriend or girlfriend now, which is clear before. But that doesn't mean that after that this person, all of a sudden, and if you're going to attach that, well, I did this, which means you have to, that's where you're going to be obsessive and compulsive and noticing. And then that's when the other person's going to realize you're not really letting this grow, you're trying to control the outcome. And someone trying to control the outcome to me is very triggering for me because that

• 48:15Sabrina Zohar?

  was my childhood, that no one allowed me to just have my emotions and feelings and be, and they were trying to constantly monitor and manage. That wouldn't work for me.

• 48:23Speaker 03

  That wouldn't work for anybody. Nobody wants that. A relationship needs that freedom, that space to grow, especially for a man. Men are not, most men are not commitment phobes. They're not against commitment, but they don't want to be backed into a corner and forced into something that they're not ready for yet. Like, the beauty of a relationship is when each has the space to choose each other, rather than feeling like, oh, this person has an agenda, and if I don't conform to what they want, then there's going to be consequences. I'm going to suffer, they're going to suffer, or like, this just isn't going to work. Nobody wants that. Because when you have an agenda mode, you're really operating from fear. You don't trust that things are going to work out. And that's what detachment is. It is letting go of that fear and knowing that everything's going to work out the way

• 49:08Speaker 03

  they are meant to. I don't have to force anything. I don't need to force timelines. I don't need to force things to be a certain way. I trust myself. I trust a higher power, whatever it is that you believe in. I trust, and that's it. And when you operate from that place, there is no room for fear. And the fear is what messes everything up. This is what messes, and not just in relationships. In all areas of life. So we just have to surrender. We do our best. You have to put in the effort. You can't just like sit back and do nothing. You have to work on yourself. You have to show up as your best self. You have to manage your triggers and all of those things. And you give it your best. And if it doesn't work out, it just wasn't meant for you. It's just not yours. That's it. And that's not a loss. Not a loss to lose something that's not yours.

• 49:50Sabrina Zohar?

  The more you focus on the door that's closed, the more you're missing all the windows that are around you.

• 49:53Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 49:54Sabrina Zohar?

  Right? If I'm just, I'm banging on that. It's like the example I use is like when your building burns, do you try to rebuild it with the ashes? No, because it's done. It's gone. Now you can be the phoenix that rises and you can rebuild what actually works for you. As opposed to trying so hard to force that. Because as a kid, I only had one caregiver. I don't have that anymore.

• 50:12Speaker 03

  Right.

• 50:12Sabrina Zohar?

  Ah, Sabrina, you and I could talk about this for fucking days. Is there anything that you want to leave the audience with? It could be no. The answer could be no. But is there anything that we haven't really hit on when it comes to detachment? Or something that comes up in the book for you that you're like, this is really important? Like, maybe even a place of like, where can people start? Right? What's a place of starting? Because I think that's scary for a lot of us of now, how do I navigate this?

• 50:32Speaker 03

  Right.

• 50:32Sabrina Zohar?

  Can you leave them with?

• 50:34Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 50:34Sabrina Zohar?

  Besides, get the book.

• 50:35Speaker 03

  Okay, well, first, get the book.

• 50:38Speaker 03

  Okay, here's what I can leave you with. And this is what I wish that I knew sooner. You have so much more control over your destiny than you realize. And also, it doesn't have to be this way. I know, I know in my bones how easy it is to sink into that victim mentality of things are happening to me that are beyond my control. And I know how easy it is to just sink into misery's warm embrace. Not because it feels good, but because it's so familiar. And I also know that it's easy to look at me and think, oh, everything worked out for her. I'm like, who cares what she has? You know, like, everything worked out for her. It's because I had to fight for it. Like that, some of us, it's not dished out fairly.

• 51:22Speaker 03

  It's not dished out in equal measure. Some of us have it way harder than others. That's the way the cookie crumbles. It's just how it is. But if you can make the conscious choice. To really do the work, I know that expression gets used a lot, but to really decide that you are someone of value with high self-worth and things are going to work out for you. And you're amazing and you're special and maybe nobody told you that your entire life. Maybe you got told the opposite. So what? So what does that mean? That means that it's true because they said it. Says who? You get to decide, take control over your life and what's under your control and detach from the rest. And if you can do this, your life will have so much more peace and meaning

• 52:04Speaker 03

  and joy. And you're going to notice that the things that you've been fighting for so hard are just kind of going to effortlessly come your way. And you're going to become a magnet for those things and that I can almost guarantee you.

• 52:16Sabrina Zohar?

  It's exciting. It's an exciting place to be of, I want to get rid of the way I was. The things I were doing. It's not get rid of them. It's about, I want to let those parts know that they don't have to keep doing their job and let them know that they can have a new job now. That means that maybe they protect what's inside the house and not trying so hard to protect what's around it. Because I will be honest, detaching is what changed the game for me because I do that with my career. Also, if you're going to use do the work, be careful, trademark it.

• 52:41Speaker 03

  Oh God, yes, I really, as I said that.

• 52:44Sabrina Zohar?

  No, you know, many people, they're like, is it a different show? I'm like, same show, just illegal bullshit. But anyways.

• 52:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:49Sabrina Zohar?

  I think what I'd love to leave anybody with on detachment is, everything you've said is so beautiful. And it's like, no one's, they're not broken. There's nothing to fix. Nobody is damaged, even though both of us thought that. I used to tell my mom I'm a damaged good and she would yell at me. And I was, she's like, I don't made back garments. I was like, but you did. What you believe is, you'll see it when you believe it, right? It's not that you'll believe it when you see, you will see it when you believe it. And if you're going to go in with, I'm never going to find anybody and there's nobody for me. And then, then no wonder you're going to attach to anything because when you think there is nothing, you will fucking take everything. Because if you don't stand for something, you fall for everything. And so that is what I hope that we can leave people with is the encouragement that you can change your life, but it requires daily decisions and practices,

• 53:32Sabrina Zohar?

  not just one massive kumbaya. Because baby, you're good for a week, be good for two, be good for three, be good for four, and show you and your nervous system that you could fucking do it.

• 53:42Speaker 03

  Oh, amen. Exactly. Exactly. This is not a marathon. There is no finish line that you're gonna cross. This is not like, you know, a fit person doesn't say, "Oh, I'm fit now and I don't have to go to the gym anymore. I don't have to do this anymore. Thank God, we're done." Nope, nope, nope. Every day, you gotta show up, you gotta put in the reps, and it becomes your new reality.

• 54:01Sabrina Zohar?

  Yeah.

• 54:01Speaker 03

  I know what it is to have a default system of self-destruction. I lived in that place for a very long time.

• 54:05Sabrina Zohar?

  Yeah.

• 54:05Speaker 03

  And I choose every day not to go down that path. Do I slip up? Of course, I'm human. But I make that choice, and you can. The choice is yours to make.

• 54:13Sabrina Zohar?

  I love it. Sabrina, where can people find you? We'll have the book linked and everything, so go grab it. But where can they find you to work with you or learn more?

• 54:20Speaker 03

  Sure, you can find me. I'm at Sabrina Vendore on YouTube, on TikTok, on Instagram. And my podcast is You Will Be OK, because you will.

• 54:27Sabrina Zohar?

  I love it. Sabrina, thank you so much for being on.

• 54:30Speaker 03

  Thank you, Sabrina. This was so wonderful.

• 54:32Sabrina Zohar?

  Of course, the Sabrina's you tonight.

• 54:34Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 54:34Sabrina Zohar?

  Guys, go follow, go get the book. And if you guys need anything, Sabrina or Sabrina are here. And until next time, my babes.

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