Conan Unboxes “Toy Story” Merch

Conan contemplates reaching a whole new audience while unboxing more Toy Story 5 merch of his character Smarty Pants. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:03Conan O'Brien?

  This message is brought to you by Apple Card. Fall season always brings its fair share of surprises like the first snow or late night trip to the store for your kid's school project. No matter what the season brings, Apple Card's got you covered. You know, if you leave the house, you gotta have your Apple Card. You can earn 2% daily cash back when you use Apple Card with Apple Pay.

• 0:23Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 0:24Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you take those quick trips, "Oh, your kids are gonna need back to school stuff." You got your Apple Card, you're ready to go. Apply for Apple Card now and use in minutes with Apple Pay. Subject to credit approval. Apple Card is issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA, Salt Lake City Branch. Terms and more at applecard.com.

• 0:43Conan O'Brien?

  Now, Sona, clearly I'm a very important person to you.

• 0:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:46Conan O'Brien?

  Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.

• 0:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 0:48Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?

• 0:53Speaker 01

  A vase.

• 0:55Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.

• 0:57Speaker 01

  A jacket.

• 0:59Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.

• 1:01Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that jacket. Nice jacket.

• 1:02Conan O'Brien?

  So now you have to do it, because you said you would.

• 1:03Speaker 01

  Aw, man, I didn't know you were doing that.

• 1:05Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear, and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me. Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades, and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more all in one place. You can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide.

• 1:43Speaker 01

  Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Wanna talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com/callconan. Okay, let's get started.

• 1:53Speaker 02

  So we're gonna do something a little different today. As we all know, Toy Story 5 came out, you play Smarty Pants. A few weeks ago, you were presented with the first ever toy of Smarty Pants, and you were really excited.

• 2:04Conan O'Brien?

  Very excited.

• 2:04Speaker 02

  We have this giant Smarty Pants here.

• 2:06Speaker 01

  I know.

• 2:07Conan O'Brien?

  That's great. Can I criticize your open for just a second?

• 2:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, anytime.

• 2:10Conan O'Brien?

  You just glossed over Toy Story came out, and you're in it, stuff like that. It's the biggest movie

• 2:15Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:15Conan O'Brien?

  in like, the history of the world.

• 2:17Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 2:17Speaker 02

  The history of the world?

• 2:18Conan O'Brien?

  It's a massive, admit, it's a massive hit.

• 2:20Speaker 02

  It is huge.

• 2:21Conan O'Brien?

  And, um, and something is sweeping through the country right now, which can only be called Smarty Pants mania.

• 2:27Speaker 01

  Oh, boy.

• 2:28Conan O'Brien?

  And people are doing the Smarty Pants dance. Uh, it is everywhere, Smarty Pants. You know, all this talk about how Smarty Pants kinda is the movie.

• 2:36Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 2:36Speaker 02

  Do you have sources?

• 2:38Speaker 01

  Which, which character did you voice?

• 2:40Conan O'Brien?

  Smarty Pants.

• 2:41Speaker 01

  Oh, okay, that's interesting.

• 2:42Conan O'Brien?

  It just occurred to me which one. But anyway, you know, tons of articles are like, well, he, you know, Smarty Pants is the movie, and, oh, were there other characters? You know, who is this Bonnie in this Buzz?

• 2:52Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 2:55Speaker 01

  Toy Story blasphemy, how dare you?

• 2:57Speaker 02

  I just have to point out,

• 2:58Speaker 01

  How dare you?

• 2:59Speaker 02

  The like, day before we went to the Toy Story premiere, you were like, oh, man, what if, what if this isn't good? What if I'm the reason that this fails? Wow, you've really changed?

• 3:07Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I've changed. I've changed. I've decided, uh, I went from, oh, I don't wanna be the reason this Toy Story 5 goes down, to deciding that I'll take full credit for all of the movie's success.

• 3:19Speaker 01

  Oh, my god.

• 3:20Conan O'Brien?

  People don't know, I did all of the animation.

• 3:23Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 3:23Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Pixar was like, we're not sure how to do this. And I said, guys, guys, guys!

• 3:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:28Conan O'Brien?

  And I went in there and I took over.

• 3:29Speaker 01

  You're a real computer guy.

• 3:31Conan O'Brien?

  Um, oh, man, am I a computer guy. I'm a real computerer.

• 3:35Speaker 02

  Oh, that's what, that's what they say.

• 3:37Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 3:38Speaker 02

  And you're so, you're just so humble about it, too.

• 3:40Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, anyway, uh, now, I'm sure a lot of people have seen Toy Story 5. Just, if you're checking the numbers, it seems like

• 3:46Speaker 01

  Oh, god.

• 3:47Conan O'Brien?

  It seems like everyone, I think everyone on Earth has seen it three times already. But a fourth time, always a good idea.

• 3:53Speaker 01

  Five for five.

• 3:56Conan O'Brien?

  So, uh, my character Smarty Pants is a, uh, uh, he's one of the tech toys, but he's the first level of tech toy, like, the first tier. So, uh, just when they were starting to put tech into toys. And, um, he is a potty training device. It was my insistence. I've been waiting for years. I've had many offers to do animation. And I always said, come to me when it's a toilet training device. This was my insidious time.

• 4:24Speaker 01

  Or did they, I mean, like, it looks like a roll of toilet paper.

• 4:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:29Speaker 01

  And it has a number one and a number two button.

• 4:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, yes.

• 4:32Speaker 01

  And is there any part of you?

• 4:33Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 4:34Speaker 01

  That's like, why me for this specific device?

• 4:39Conan O'Brien?

  As I told them, when they came to me and described the character, I said, I feel seen for the first time.

• 4:42Speaker 02

  It just felt right?

• 4:43Conan O'Brien?

  Really seen. They see the real me.

• 4:46Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 4:46Conan O'Brien?

  So, yeah, uh, and, and of course, now I'm told there's Smarty Pants merch.

• 4:52Speaker 02

  Yes, so we showed you the one toy a few weeks ago.

• 4:54Conan O'Brien?

  And let me just point out, and I think I should point this out, I don't get a piece of this merch. Um, I, I've tried, you know, they said, do you want to be in Toy Story 5? And I said, yes. And they said, and then I said, uh, is there gonna be any merch for my character? And they went, yes, there will be. And I went, well, I demand it. And they said, do you want to be in Toy Story 5 or not? And they went, yes, please.

• 5:15Speaker 02

  You pulled it fast.

• 5:16Conan O'Brien?

  So, yeah, I sure showed them.

• 5:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:19Conan O'Brien?

  So I don't profit in any way. I just thought this would be fun. Take a look.

• 5:22Speaker 01

  Go up against Disney.

• 5:24Conan O'Brien?

  All right, what's the first one, David?

• 5:25Speaker 02

  All right, first one is this little play scale. It's you and your little friends from the movie.

• 5:28Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, it's all my buddies from the movie. Let's see who's here. Well, look at that.

• 5:33Speaker 02

  Aww.

• 5:33Conan O'Brien?

  Look at that. So you got Smarty Pants right here. That's a, he's adorable. There's Jessie. Jessie's got her hat.

• 5:39Speaker 01

  Jessie's the best.

• 5:40Conan O'Brien?

  Good for, for sun protection and, uh...

• 5:42Speaker 02

  That's why, that's why she wears it.

• 5:44Conan O'Brien?

  I like any character that's being serious about sun protection. Uh, so Atlas, Snappy, and then of course, there's Smarty Pants here. And, uh, what a lovely set. I think people should get this set. And if you do think I should have had a piece of the merch, feel free to send me money.

• 6:01Speaker 02

  You want the fans to send you money?

• 6:03Conan O'Brien?

  I think fans, if they really enjoy playing with their Smarty Pants, if they were nice and sensitive...

• 6:09Speaker 02

  Move on. There's another playset, a few more characters in this one. We have Forky, Lily Pad, Buzz, and Woody up top.

• 6:15Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. And why am I on the lower level? I'm sorry.

• 6:19Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 6:20Speaker 02

  Well, once you take them out, there are no levels.

• 6:23Conan O'Brien?

  Very nice. But no, this is the thing my agent should have been on top of. I mean, I love Forky. We all love Forky, but come on. I should be, I should be up here. So that's the kind of thing, I'm gonna get to Rick Rosen right after this segment. And I'm gonna chew him a new asshole. I'm right there, though, with my typical, look at that, smarty pants sideways. He give him a side eye.

• 6:45Speaker 02

  The one eyebrow raise?

• 6:46Conan O'Brien?

  The old one eyebrow raise, that is, man, that's smarty pants. Hey, wait a minute, I don't like this. Woody gets his own box. Oh, gosh. Forky, all these guys, and then you get to my box. And look at that. I share a box with Atlas, Snappy, and then me. That's not gonna happen in the future either. I want my own box!

• 7:05Speaker 01

  Uh, aren't you a trio?

• 7:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, you guys are all connected by like a USB.

• 7:09Conan O'Brien?

  I'm not kidding anybody! Smarty pants.

• 7:12Speaker 02

  Hey, chill.

• 7:14Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? I probably went too far there.

• 7:16Speaker 01

  Well, your toy in this one is also on a stand with the two other characters.

• 7:20Conan O'Brien?

  Not if you have a power saw.

• 7:24Speaker 02

  Here, also, you can get this in a Kellogg's cereal box.

• 7:26Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, look at this! If you get Kellogg's cereal, you get a little, uh, smarty pants card. But then look at this. You turn it around and it's a Woody toy.

• 7:36Speaker 01

  It's Woody.

• 7:37Conan O'Brien?

  What is that? They're using me!

• 7:39Speaker 02

  This one's also Woody?

• 7:40Conan O'Brien?

  Look at this, they're using me to sell Woody. That's wrong. That's just wrong. Another thing I gotta talk to WME about. Oh, boy.

• 7:48Speaker 02

  We have so many, so many calls to me.

• 7:50Conan O'Brien?

  The calls that are going to my agents, my various reps.

• 7:53Speaker 01

  You should go to battle with Pixar, for sure. I think it'll be a good move.

• 7:57Conan O'Brien?

  They're shaking in their cartoon boots right now.

• 8:02Conan O'Brien?

  I'll chase that lamp all across North America.

• 8:06Conan O'Brien?

  It'll be hawking away from me. Come back here, lamp, oh no, he's crazy!

• 8:12Speaker 01

  I love the lamp being the attorney for Pixar.

• 8:14Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, the lamp, the lamp was the attorney. Um, I read your contract, and, uh, it seems to me...

• 8:21Speaker 02

  Smarty pants has his own Funko?

• 8:23Conan O'Brien?

  Look at this, we got some smarty pants Funkos right here.

• 8:26Speaker 01

  Funko Pop.

• 8:27Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? You gotta go with the Funko. We've had a bunch of Funkos from all those years of doing Comic Con. And now this is added to the legion of Conan Funkos.

• 8:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:36Conan O'Brien?

  Very nice, you know what this means? I'll be signing these at airports for the rest of my life.

• 8:40Speaker 01

  Yes, yes.

• 8:41Conan O'Brien?

  And outside Sizzler restaurants.

• 8:43Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 8:43Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know why, but they always get, they always get me at the Sizzler.

• 8:46Speaker 01

  Did I read Conan is the most Funkoed person?

• 8:48Conan O'Brien?

  We're gonna look it up right now, somebody is right on your tail. Dame Judi Dench.

• 8:53Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, what's this?

• 8:53Speaker 02

  Look at this little wallet.

• 8:55Conan O'Brien?

  This is a wallet.

• 8:55Speaker 02

  It'll hold your credit cards.

• 8:56Conan O'Brien?

  This is a wallet. Look at this. You have all your credit cards back. Oh, I thought it said Prada. It says Pixar. It's like, wow, Prada.

• 9:04Speaker 01

  I thought it said Prada.

• 9:05Conan O'Brien?

  Look at that. You can get a, you can get a Smarty Pants, uh...

• 9:09Speaker 01

  Oh, that's cute.

• 9:09Conan O'Brien?

  Wallet right here, guys. This is incredible.

• 9:12Speaker 02

  I would love to be at a restaurant with you one day and you pull that out.

• 9:15Conan O'Brien?

  This is what I'm gonna use from now on, and I'm gonna go to very fancy restaurants. And then when it comes time, I'm gonna make a big show of saying, "Uh, uh, uh, time to pay. Oh, really? Let me get my wallet." "Huh? Oh, oh, oh, Smarty Pants? Yes. That's me. I'm the voice of Smarty Pants." And then cut to the exterior of the, uh, restaurant, and I'm just thrown out. And then this wallet hits me on the head.

• 9:40Speaker 02

  Here's some more.

• 9:41Conan O'Brien?

  So Conan, you are the most Funko'd person with 38 different Funko dolls. Stan Lee is 37, and Elvis is 30. This is incredible. And you wonder why I've gone insane. It's just too much success.

• 9:56Speaker 01

  This is ridiculous.

• 9:56Conan O'Brien?

  It's too much success. No one reaches this status in show business, has a wallet. Can I just say, this is a clumsy wallet.

• 10:08Conan O'Brien?

  The whole idea of a wallet is for it to be aerodynamic, and they've put a giant chunky toilet on this one?

• 10:15Speaker 01

  Can I just make a comment? I don't think it's for adults. I think it's for kids. And I think that it's for kids to like play with.

• 10:23Conan O'Brien?

  So this is where kids put their credit cards?

• 10:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't know. But I know, I know it's not for grown men to put it in their back pocket.

• 10:29Conan O'Brien?

  So when kids...

• 10:32Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know. When I was a kid, I didn't have anything that could go in here. Not one thing.

• 10:37Speaker 01

  They like to pretend.

• 10:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, okay, that's fine.

• 10:40Speaker 01

  But you're not, it's not adults wearing it.

• 10:42Speaker 02

  Now we're getting into the shirts and the hoodies.

• 10:45Conan O'Brien?

  And what's this? Explain what's happening here, because I don't know that much about fashion.

• 10:48Speaker 02

  This is a hoodie with like a retro-looking Smarty Pants on it.

• 10:53Conan O'Brien?

  I gotta put it on.

• 10:54Speaker 02

  You can get them at, like, Amazon selling them, Hot Topic selling them.

• 10:57Speaker 01

  Why Smarty Pants?

• 10:59Conan O'Brien?

  Conan O'Brien in no way participates. Financially, this is me as a fan of Smarty.

• 11:05Speaker 02

  Oh, no.

• 11:07Speaker 01

  That's a cool, that looks cool.

• 11:09Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, that is cool. This looks cool?

• 11:11Speaker 01

  It actually does look cool. It's like a, I love that retro 80s print.

• 11:16Conan O'Brien?

  This will never fit me. Look at this. This is for, obviously, a toddler or a very small child.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:22Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, very cool. It's the, it's Smarty and the Gang.

• 11:24Speaker 02

  Uh huh. Technically awesome, it says.

• 11:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 11:34Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 11:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love awards.

• 11:37Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 11:51Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 11:51Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 12:00Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 12:04Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5 N, which I love.

• 12:08Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 12:09Conan O'Brien?

  Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 12:24Speaker 01

  Hello!

• 12:24Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I have this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View US News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 12:58Conan O'Brien?

  Who do you shop for first on the holidays, Sona? Was it, do you shop for the kids or do you shop for Tac?

• 13:02Speaker 01

  My kids.

• 13:03Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, you gotta get them your stuff.

• 13:04Speaker 01

  Or my dog.

• 13:05Conan O'Brien?

  And then your, your husband is last. Well, guess what? It's that time of year. You feel that, you smell that, uh, that, that cinnamon cider in the air. Do you smell that?

• 13:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:15Conan O'Brien?

  And you see pumpkins around, people buying turkeys. A little early to buy a turkey. Doesn't matter. Holidays, I would say it's just around the corner, but that's a cliche. It's, uh, very nearby in the cupboard.

• 13:30Conan O'Brien?

  Well, guess what? Amazon delivers joy with low prices on the gifts you want even this early in the season. So get ahead to the season. Shop early gifts, top picks, holiday decor and advent calendars at low prices. Get ahead, start on holiday gifting with Amazon's low prices. Shop now at amazon.com/holiday.

• 13:51Conan O'Brien?

  Owning a car or home comes with responsibilities. Sure, it's fun, but sometimes it makes you wonder why you ever longed for adulthood in the first place. I do that all the time. I'm like, oh, these bills, these bills. What am I gonna do?

• 14:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:03Conan O'Brien?

  You know, when you own a house, you gotta fix it yourself. Sona, you, you see this to be true, right?

• 14:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, your garage door breaks and you're like, well, I have to fix it.

• 14:11Conan O'Brien?

  Probably at first you said, hey, I'll get the super to fix it. It's your house, dude.

• 14:14Speaker 01

  It's mine, dude.

• 14:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Liberty Mutual customizes your car and home insurance to save you money. In fact, they work overtime to tailor your insurance policy around what you actually need. The only thing they can't do is get that Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty jingle out of your head.

• 14:28Speaker 01

  Liberty, Liberty, Liberty.

• 14:30Conan O'Brien?

  It's in my head all the time.

• 14:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, me too.

• 14:32Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Start your quote at libertymutual.com.

• 14:38Conan O'Brien?

  Coca-Cola Zero Sugar is so good, it's almost impossible not to finish it before the meal arrives. It's just too good to wait. That happens to me sometimes.

• 14:47Speaker 01

  Me too.

• 14:47Conan O'Brien?

  You can try rules like no sipping until the appetizer arrives, or you tell your friend, don't let me touch my glass. But every time you're staring at an empty glass. So if you've ever finished your Coke Zero before the first fry hits the table, you're among friends. It happens. Occupational hazard with Coke Zero.

• 15:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:05Conan O'Brien?

  Real Coca-Cola taste, zero sugar, too good to wait. Enjoy an ice cold Coca-Cola Zero Sugar today.

• 15:18Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, look, this is nice. I like this one. There I am, right there with Woody.

• 15:22Speaker 01

  It's a blue sweater.

• 15:24Conan O'Brien?

  Blue sweater, that's a good color for me.

• 15:25Speaker 01

  It says playtime and it's Smarty Pants and Woody.

• 15:27Conan O'Brien?

  Uh huh. Oh, my God, this is gonna...

• 15:29Speaker 01

  Sorry, I'm just describing it.

• 15:30Conan O'Brien?

  This is gonna be flying off shelves. Everyone's gonna want one of these.

• 15:33Speaker 02

  I like this one.

• 15:34Speaker 01

  That's cool.

• 15:35Conan O'Brien?

  This is nice.

• 15:36Speaker 01

  That's a picture of Smarty Pants with that jelly hand that he has.

• 15:39Conan O'Brien?

  He's got that jellied hand. Incredible.

• 15:42Speaker 01

  It's like a, what is it, a baseball shirt?

• 15:44Speaker 02

  Baseball shirt, yeah. Here's a shirt that says, I need to recharge.

• 15:47Conan O'Brien?

  I need to recharge, okay? Because Smarty Pants does run on electricity, on AA batteries.

• 15:53Speaker 01

  Do we need this much?

• 15:55Speaker 02

  I mean, here. Here's another.

• 15:58Conan O'Brien?

  What are you talking about?

• 15:59Speaker 01

  Don't you think this is like, a little too much?

• 16:01Conan O'Brien?

  No, for Smarty.

• 16:02Speaker 01

  For a side character?

• 16:05Speaker 02

  Oh. You struck a nerve.

• 16:09Conan O'Brien?

  A lot of, a lot of people are saying I am the comedic and emotional center of the movie.

• 16:14Speaker 01

  Oh, okay. It's not Jesse?

• 16:15Conan O'Brien?

  And when I say a lot of people.

• 16:16Speaker 02

  Is it you?

• 16:17Conan O'Brien?

  It's me.

• 16:21Conan O'Brien?

  Me alone. But, uh, wow, look at this. There's Smarty.

• 16:26Speaker 02

  This is the one you're wearing, just in a t-shirt form.

• 16:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, that's great. Okay.

• 16:29Speaker 02

  All right, this one, you recorded the lines for this toy in that chair. Press.

• 16:35Conan O'Brien?

  Juice. Oh, that's when he's low on batteries. This is actually my voice. When do people ever get to hear my voice? You've gotta get this toy, or you'll never hear my voice. If you don't have this toy, my voice is lost to you forever. Just trying to get some batteries out of you.

• 16:53Speaker 01

  Don't you want it to shut up? Like, that's how we feel.

• 16:56Speaker 02

  At least this one's not motion activated like the other one.

• 16:59Conan O'Brien?

  There is a motion activated one, and I almost killed it.

• 17:01Speaker 01

  Nightmare.

• 17:02Speaker 02

  Well, I was here like, I had to grab something at night once, and he started just talking in the corner.

• 17:06Speaker 01

  Oh, my god. You look like such a shill right now, wearing the sweatshirt and...

• 17:11Conan O'Brien?

  Look at this. Don't I look like, hey, you're never gonna find me selling out to the man. That's not my style. That's not who I am. I have never seen...

• 17:25Speaker 02

  They're like all different sizes, too.

• 17:27Conan O'Brien?

  There are so many different Smarty Pants toys.

• 17:30Speaker 01

  It's too much.

• 17:30Conan O'Brien?

  And they're different. Stop saying that, Sonja.

• 17:33Speaker 01

  This is insane.

• 17:34Conan O'Brien?

  Can I say one thing you're not gonna like?

• 17:36Speaker 02

  Uh-oh.

• 17:37Conan O'Brien?

  I think it's not enough.

• 17:38Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 17:39Conan O'Brien?

  I think there should be a car that's patterned after Smarty Pants that you can get in. It's like a really expensive car.

• 17:45Speaker 01

  I don't know. Like a rolling toilet paper?

• 17:48Conan O'Brien?

  I like that you don't know. You're not sure that that's a good idea. What you got?

• 17:51Speaker 02

  This one's gonna be fun for everyone. Everyone gets involved. It's a mystery box. We gotta see who can find the Smarty Pants.

• 17:56Conan O'Brien?

  I've gotta play.

• 17:59Speaker 01

  Eduardo. Did you see I caught that with one hand?

• 18:02Conan O'Brien?

  That's so cool.

• 18:02Speaker 01

  That was really cool.

• 18:03Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, we gotta find out. It's a...

• 18:04Speaker 02

  We have to find. It's a mystery.

• 18:06Conan O'Brien?

  All right, well, I got this. Let me see who I got. I got this pig.

• 18:11Speaker 02

  Okay, try again.

• 18:14Speaker 01

  How about if he's just-

• 18:15Speaker 02

  I got him, I got him!

• 18:16Conan O'Brien?

  You got Smarty!

• 18:17Speaker 01

  Oh, I got the other part of Smarty.

• 18:19Conan O'Brien?

  Isn't that weird when the guy who is dealing the game wins?

• 18:22Speaker 02

  I didn't cheat.

• 18:24Conan O'Brien?

  Look at him, this is adorable. He's a little guy, so this is a toy where kids don't know who they're gonna get.

• 18:30Speaker 02

  You don't know who you're gonna get, it could be...

• 18:32Conan O'Brien?

  Do you realize there are gonna be riots in malls when kids don't get Smarty Pants?

• 18:35Speaker 02

  It could be-

• 18:36Conan O'Brien?

  When they get stuck with the pig?

• 18:40Speaker 02

  You know what I mean?

• 18:41Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 18:41Conan O'Brien?

  Or like the stapler, whatever.

• 18:43Speaker 01

  Or this hand.

• 18:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 18:44Speaker 01

  His little jelly hand.

• 18:45Conan O'Brien?

  A little jelly hand? When kids get that, there's gonna be rioting in malls.

• 18:49Speaker 02

  His hand does his own?

• 18:50Speaker 01

  Totally.

• 18:51Conan O'Brien?

  A kid says, "I can't wait to get Smarty Pants," they pull out this jellied hand. Suddenly, you see a drone shot, a news helicopter shot of a mall being torn apart by kids. And so, you know, they bring in riot police who shoot cannons filled with little Smarty Pants to calm them down. How deluded am I? How insane am I?

• 19:13Speaker 02

  We should've never done this.

• 19:14Conan O'Brien?

  We never, you know what? This is so weird.

• 19:18Speaker 02

  I have to admit. He's gonna start setting things up.

• 19:20Conan O'Brien?

  This is so weird.

• 19:21Speaker 02

  There's a book, there's a sticker book.

• 19:22Conan O'Brien?

  Oh my god, look at this.

• 19:24Speaker 02

  And like one of those like golden...

• 19:26Speaker 01

  Oh, those are cool.

• 19:27Speaker 02

  Golden books.

• 19:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, those are classic. God, everything's just going the way I always intended it to.

• 19:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:34Conan O'Brien?

  This was the plan, long ago.

• 19:37Conan O'Brien?

  Back when I started my career. What's that?

• 19:39Speaker 02

  There's mystery snow globes.

• 19:41Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 19:42Speaker 02

  It's a snow globe.

• 19:43Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, you know, you're... I think you did these in the wrong order, David.

• 19:46Speaker 01

  We've gone too far.

• 19:47Conan O'Brien?

  David started with the biggest wow ones. And now he's down to, "Oh, look! It's a little sticker that can go on a frying pan."

• 19:55Speaker 01

  It's a box that may or may not have your toy.

• 19:59Conan O'Brien?

  You admit you did this, you admit you did this in reverse order. You did this in reverse order.

• 20:04Speaker 02

  I think it's better than-

• 20:04Conan O'Brien?

  You ended on the t-shirts. He ended on the t-shirts and now he's opening toys that possibly have Smarty Pants in them, but most likely statistically not.

• 20:14Speaker 02

  I got him!

• 20:15Speaker 01

  Hey!

• 20:17Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, Smarty! Oh, he's trapped, trapped, I say!

• 20:21Speaker 01

  I just love that the lamp is watching everything that we do.

• 20:27Conan O'Brien?

  You know who's really appalled by it all? My wife. My wife. We also have cheese. Smarty pants cheese. No! Yes. Smarty pants cheese? What kind of cheese? It's like the little baby bell. Little, I think they're cheddar, little cheddar cheeses. Okay, okay.

• 20:43Speaker 02

  Eric got some today, he commented.

• 20:45Conan O'Brien?

  Can I say one thing? Sona, I honestly don't think this has gone far enough. And I'm being serious. This is great, this is amazing. This isn't enough. Because right now, America's gripped with Smarty Pants fever. A lot of people thought that July 4th, 2026, was going to be the 250th celebration. But you're not hearing about that. That fizzled. You know what's happening instead? Smarty Pants Mania!

• 21:14Speaker 02

  I have a question. Earlier, you said there's a Smarty Pants dance taking over the nation. What's the dance? How's it go?

• 21:20Conan O'Brien?

  It's a rock to the left, a rock to the right, flush, flush, and then a spin. And you know what? People are doing that everywhere. I see, I can't.

• 21:28Speaker 02

  I haven't seen it yet.

• 21:29Conan O'Brien?

  It's everywhere. I've never not seen it. I've never opened my eyes in the last month and not seen that.

• 21:36Speaker 01

  Can I make an appeal to the Pixar merchandising department?

• 21:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 21:40Speaker 01

  Fucking stop. Just stop. We're good. There's plenty of Smarty Pants merch.

• 21:46Conan O'Brien?

  Paddle.

• 21:47Speaker 01

  I think we made our point.

• 21:48Conan O'Brien?

  Paddle to the metal. And you could say something else? They know what they're doing.

• 21:51Speaker 01

  They do, though.

• 21:52Conan O'Brien?

  They have research.

• 21:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:54Conan O'Brien?

  They know what they're doing, they know what they know. When they see Smarty Pants Mania, they know what to do. You know?

• 21:59Speaker 02

  You can step into reading and like, learn how to read with Smarty Pants now.

• 22:02Conan O'Brien?

  Well, look at that. Jesse meets some of Blaze's old forgotten toys, known as the tech trio. First, there are Smarty Pants, voiced by a needy Irish Catholic boy from Boston.

• 22:16Conan O'Brien?

  He has a hole in his heart that can never be healed.

• 22:18Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 22:19Conan O'Brien?

  This is real, I didn't think these books got into it in this level. Yeah. The love he didn't get as a child in a large family will never be salved. Wow, it's an incredible word. S-A-L-V-E-D, it's right here for kids. The only way to ameliorate this problem is by constantly calling attention to himself. Jesus. This is terrible. All the cognitive therapy in the world cannot help.

• 22:43Speaker 02

  It's still going.

• 22:44Conan O'Brien?

  The voice of Smarty Pants. It just goes on for pages and pages about Smarty Pants. I'll skip ahead a couple.

• 22:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, take us to the end?

• 22:52Conan O'Brien?

  You'd think each success would calm him. But no, on the contrary, each success only feeds the need for more success. It's a bottomless cup of coffee with the needy, sad voice of Smarty Pants. Who wrote this? Wait a minute, my therapist?

• 23:08Conan O'Brien?

  You didn't see that coming, did you? How you doing there, Sona? You having a good time? This is the hardest I've seen her go in a while. You were really...

• 23:17Speaker 01

  I just love the backstory of Smarty Pants's voice.

• 23:20Conan O'Brien?

  It really goes, yeah, and they keep talking about the voice. In the rest of the book, they just talk about the characters. But when they get to Smarty Pants, they say, "Has the voice of a desperately sad, cloying,

• 23:36Conan O'Brien?

  needy creep." It says, "The beady-eyed voice of Smarty Pants." How would they even know? How does a voice have beady eyes?

• 23:47Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, don't listen to Sona. Whoever's behind this, Disney, Pixar...

• 23:52Speaker 01

  Stop.

• 23:53Conan O'Brien?

  Go, go, go. More, more, more.

• 23:57Speaker 01

  I think we've had enough.

• 23:58Conan O'Brien?

  And remember, if you think I should have had a cut of the merch, send cash

• 24:05Conan O'Brien?

  to the Conan O'Brien Fund.

• 24:06Speaker 01

  Put up your Venmo.

• 24:10Conan O'Brien?

  I should put up a Venmo that's just me, a guy who doesn't need money, demanding money

• 24:20Conan O'Brien?

  for my Smarty Pants merch.

• 24:23Speaker 02

  That they already bought. It's not like they're getting free merch.

• 24:25Conan O'Brien?

  Can I do a Kickstarter? Where I want... That doesn't work. Is there any way I could get a Kickstarter?

• 24:29Speaker 01

  A GoFundMe.

• 24:30Speaker 02

  A GoFundMe is what you want?

• 24:31Conan O'Brien?

  A GoFundMe.

• 24:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:33Conan O'Brien?

  I didn't get a piece of the Smarty Pants merch. And I feel I'm entitled.

• 24:41Conan O'Brien?

  How would that go over in America right now? In this America right now? How would that go over?

• 24:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:46Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah. I demand it. David, have my Bentley bridle around.

• 24:54Speaker 01

  Go funny. I love the description.

• 24:58Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 24:58Speaker 01

  Conan O'Brien did not get a cut of the merch.

• 25:00Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, of the merch.

• 25:01Speaker 01

  Please donate to the cause.

• 25:02Conan O'Brien?

  Please donate to the cause. I want a really, a really sad song and zoom in on his face. Yeah, I will be, I will be, everywhere I go, mobs will descend on me and tear me apart. All right, well, this was, I have to say, this was really fun.

• 25:16Speaker 01

  I am really excited. This is really cool and I'm, I'm, I'm happy you're gonna get to keep

• 25:20Conan O'Brien?

  It's a little otherworldly, I have to say that.

• 25:21Speaker 01

  all this stuff for yourself, yeah.

• 25:22Conan O'Brien?

  It's insane. It's insane and I can't wait to see it on a blanket at someone's flea market.

• 25:30Speaker 01

  And there are people who really collect all this stuff.

• 25:34Conan O'Brien?

  Sure do.

• 25:34Speaker 01

  And this is like, you know, this is really cool. It's a lot of really cool stuff. It's beautiful. It's designed well.

• 25:40Conan O'Brien?

  What are you doing? We're not selling this stuff.

• 25:43Conan O'Brien?

  You already said we don't get a cut of it. No, no, we, we, we know we participate. You can say whatever you want. It doesn't matter.

• 25:48Speaker 01

  It is. I like the, I like Pixar a lot. So, you know, I, I just, you know.

• 25:53Conan O'Brien?

  That's just your, that's, that's you not-

• 25:55Speaker 01

  That is me being actually sincere.

• 25:57Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 25:57Speaker 01

  Because earlier I was telling them, they do have to stop. I do love that they-

• 26:00Conan O'Brien?

  No!

• 26:01Speaker 01

  The lamp goes after people who upset every, who upset Pixar.

• 26:05Conan O'Brien?

  A lamp crashes through your door if you violate their precepts. Just separate me from these other two deadbeats!

• 26:15Conan O'Brien?

  Craig Robinson's gonna come to my door and just cave my head in with a pipe.

• 26:19Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 26:20Conan O'Brien?

  All right, you heard it here. What did, what did we hear?

• 26:23Speaker 01

  What did we hear?

• 26:23Conan O'Brien?

  All we did was pile up a ton of smarty pants merch. Go, go, go. The business of America is business.

• 26:32Speaker 03

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Obsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 26:49Speaker 03

  Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Dougherty and Lisa Berman. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are done.

• 27:17Speaker 04

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• 28:17Speaker 05

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