6 Red Flags to Avoid in Relationships and How to Spot Them Early

You can order my new book 8 RULES OF LOVE at 8rulesoflove.com or at a retail store near you. You can also get the chance to see me live on my first ever world tour. This is a 90 minute interactive show where I will take you on a journey of finding, keeping and even letting go of love. Head to jayshettytour.com and find out if I'll be in a city near you. Thank you so much for all your support - I hope to see you soon. Today, I am going to share with you relationship red flags. There are warning signs that indicate potential problems in a romantic relationship. These can be behaviors or attitudes that are harmful or incompatible with a healthy relationship. It's important to be able to spot these red flags early on in a relationship so that you can make an informed decision about whether to continue the relationship. Pay attention to your gut feelings and listen to any concerns that your friends or family may have. Trust your instincts and if you notice multiple red flags, it may be time to reassess the relationship and consider whether it is a healthy and positive situation for you. Key Takeaways: 00:00:00 Intro 00:02:09 Avoiding relationship red flags 00:09:09 Red Flag #1: Saying “I love you” too soon 00:12:46 Red Flag #2: Pressure to have s*x 00:15:52 Red Flag #3: Talking about moving in and starting a family 00:20:18 Red Flag #4: Gaslighting 00:21:34 Red Flag #5: Encouraging you to give up your passion 00:25:08 Red Flag #6: Talks about their ex-partner Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally! Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet,

• 0:44Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process, and once something sells,

• 1:30Jay Shetty?

  Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you. And the best part, there are no seller fees, so you keep what you earn. It's a simple way to clear out your closet, be less wasteful, and maybe make some extra money along the way. And if you've been thinking about a wardrobe refresh, this can make it feel a little more worthwhile. You're not just letting go of clothes, you're getting more value from what you already have. Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating.

• 2:16Jay Shetty?

  And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and is clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1

• 2:59Jay Shetty?

  Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. Oxytocin can be the hormone of bad judgment. You keep thinking it's going to be okay because the hormone makes you feel safe and secure. You don't see the red flags the person is sending, saying, "I'm not trustworthy." So I want you to be really careful at the beginning of a relationship about how you feel about something, how quickly you have sex, not from a position of like, "I'm not saying like, 'Hold it back, wait till this date.'" Like, that's not the kind of advice I'm giving you. What I'm trying to say to you is, if you have sex, you're likely to have more positive

• 3:43Jay Shetty?

  feelings about this person and forget the bad things about them during that time. And so you don't want to be making decisions around that time.

• 3:57Jay Shetty?

  Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. And I am so excited to be talking to you today. I can't believe it. My new book, Eight Rules of Love, is out. And thank you, thank you, thank you so much for all the support for Eight Rules of Love. It has been an incredible launch week. I am so deeply grateful for the amount of just love and kindness. I see all of you tagging. In the book and your stories and last week I gave you the first introduction of the audiobook absolutely free.

• 4:37Jay Shetty?

  If you haven't listened to it, go back and do and then download the audiobook from eight rules of love.com, Amazon, Audible, wherever you get your books. It's dedicated to anyone who's trying to find, keep or let go of love. So if you've got friends that are dating, broken up or struggling with love, make sure you grab this book. And I'd love to invite you to come and see me for my global tour, Love Rules. Go to jayshettytour.com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences and more. I can't wait to see you this year. Now, if you are someone who's dating right now, this episode is for you. If you have a friend who's dating, this episode is for you.

• 5:19Jay Shetty?

  If you have a friend who's in a relationship and they're reflecting about it, introspecting about whether they're in the right relationship with the right person. If things are going in the right direction, this episode is for you. Or if you're in that position, of course, this episode is for you. Now, the reason why I put this episode together is because I've had so many conversations with so many people in my life recently where they've avoided red flags. They've experienced gaslighting, they've experienced love bombing, but they didn't realize it until afterwards. And at the same time, I have a lot of friends and family and people in my life

• 6:00Jay Shetty?

  who I think have spotted a red flag and immediately thought, that's it, it's over. This has to end here rather than learn the skill and the art of figuring out, is this a really extreme red flag or is it more of like a pink salmon color, right? Like, is this really an issue or are we making an issue out of it? Because we're scared, we're insecure, we're worried. Often we can give up a great thing or a good thing because we're not in the right mindset, right? Often we think someone's wrong for us because we're not in the right space. How many times have you ever experienced that? And I don't want you to miss out on the right person.

• 6:43Jay Shetty?

  And I also don't want you to stay with the wrong person. Right? I don't want you to do either one of those. Because it leads to a lot of pain, it leads to a lot of heartbreak. And everyone goes through heartbreak, everyone goes through the feeling of rejection, it's something that I think most people have experienced. But we know it's not a happy feeling, it's not an easy feeling. So research shows that the areas that are activated in the brain when we're in love are the same as those involved in cocaine addiction. Fascinating, right? So the way your brain experiences a breakup is kind of like the misery of detox.

• 7:26Jay Shetty?

  Just as addicts crave a fix, we can literally crave the other person. This happens in part because our brains flood with chemical messengers that are part of our reward and motivation circuitry. Our brain sends urgent signals that we should hurry up and retrieve what's missing. That's why you want to text your ex, that's why you want to see them again. That's why you're obsessed with following them on social media and seeing what they're up to. Because we're literally detoxing from an addiction. In one study of breakups, participants reported thinking about their exes roughly eighty-five percent of the time they were awake. Eighty-five percent of the time that they were awake, that's huge.

• 8:10Jay Shetty?

  Now, I know we've all been there, right? So let's be, let's be honest, we've all been there. The flood of hormones isn't the brain's only response to a breakup. Areas of the brain that are active in heartbreak are the same as those ones that process physical pain. But as the researcher Helen Fisher says, the difference is while pain from a stubbed toe or a toothache fades, emotions can intensify the sensation of a breakup. We don't get angry with our tooth or feel rejected by the couch we bumped into, says Helen Fisher. But with our exes, we harbor hurt feelings, dashed dreams, which can exacerbate and extend the pain. In this day, our brains can desperately seek oxytocin,

• 8:53Jay Shetty?

  the bonding hormone, because it decreases feelings of fear and anxiety. And we're likely to seek this chemical experience from our ex. And this can prompt some pretty irrational things, right? Lack of emotional control, irregular eating, writing or emailing, pleading, sobbing for hours, drinking too much. We've all been there. So this episode is to help avoid that at all costs if you can, not by staying with someone who's wrong for you, but by either calling it quits earlier or by working through things that are actually not that red a flag. So I hope this episode helps you, guides you, gives you some insights to think about. That's all I'm ever trying to do. I'm never telling you whether you should break up

• 9:37Jay Shetty?

  or shouldn't break up with someone. My goal is to give you enough insight and information to make healthier decisions yourself through the use of wisdom and science. So thank you for being here again. If you haven't already, I hope you're going to order my new book, Eight Rules of Love. This book is going to help guide you into how to find love, keep love and let it go in a healthy way. And I can't wait for you to have that book if you don't already have it. I hope you're enjoying it. If you do, I really, really hope that it's helping you. Now, how can we avoid this feeling if we can and when we can? This statistic really blew my mind. Seven point two out of 10 Gen Z would rather date a love bomber

• 10:22Jay Shetty?

  than someone who is emotionally unavailable or non-committal. Now, a love bomber by definition is someone who displays feelings of affection early and in a heightened way, but doesn't necessarily back them up over the long term. They're not going to live up to their promises. It can be a really painful thing to go through, which often leaves you feeling like you're the most loved person in the world to then feeling like you're the least loved person in the world. Healthline describes it as "it happens when someone overwhelms you with loving words, actions and behaviour as a manipulation technique. It's often used to win over your trust and affection so that they can meet a goal of theirs," says Shirin Paker MA,

• 11:07Jay Shetty?

  a licensed marriage and family therapist. So, I saw this brilliant love bombing survey from Shane Co where some of today's research is from. And so if you don't follow them or haven't checked it out, definitely go take a look at it. The study says that 70% of people have had a partner say "I love you" within the first month of seeing each other. How many times have you done this? How many times has it happened to you? That 70% of people have had a partner say "I love you" within the first month of seeing each other. Now, I promise you right now, there is no way that in the first month of seeing each other, someone can truly love you completely, fully, wholly. Yes, they can like you. Yes, they can be into you. Yes, they can be attracted to you. Yes, they

• 11:50Jay Shetty?

  can want to love you. But someone loving you, and the problem is, we love hearing those three words. We want to hear them so badly and we want to feel them. Only 31% of dating app users would break up with someone who said "I love you" in the first month, which shows we like it, which proves we want it and like it. 60% of dating app users feel pressured to say "I love you" too early in a relationship. The first red flag in a relationship is if someone says "I love you" too soon. We have to be very careful. We have to slow it down. We have to be thoughtful about... I had this great conversation the other day. What does it mean when someone loves us? We have to define

• 12:35Jay Shetty?

  that for ourselves. But when I think about the kind of love we want and the love that I hear people want, it means a love where we're accepted for who we are, truly who we are, and we can be ourselves. We all want a space where we get accepted for our authentic, aligned selves. And that means someone has had to see you stressed, see you fatigued, see you exhausted, see you irritated. And you will have had to see them in those scenarios as well, because we know that our character is really shown when we're tested. And we know that long-term love... Is based on character, right? Liking is based on chemistry. Loving is based on character.

• 13:15Jay Shetty?

  So the only way you can love someone is if you've experienced different elements of their character and you've found a way to make peace with that. I'm not saying you're gonna love someone when they're stressed fully in the sense of you're not gonna be like, wow, they deal with stress so well. But the point is, do you both deal with stress well together? Have you seen them in that? And are you able to figure it out? Are you supportive of each other? Or are you just trying to avoid that scenario? And the only experiences you've had with each other are on a date night, when you're practically in an interview? Now, studies shows that men are quicker to say I love you than women, taking an average of eighty-eight days. Women take an average of one hundred and thirty-four days, right?

• 13:58Jay Shetty?

  So men are saying it quicker, which is why I hear a lot from women that they've been love bombed or had this experience. Now, how do you deal with this? If someone says I love you too soon, how do you deal with it? Because they might be great. It might actually be going in the right direction. I'm not saying, oh, when someone says that to you, you break up with them and go, alright, well, you're love bombing me, it's over, this is not what I need, like Jay told me that, you know, that's not what I'm saying. I think, first of all, we should never feel pressured to say I love you back. Sixty percent of dating app users feel pressured to say I love you too early. You should never be saying those words too early. There's, there's no need for that. I think when someone says it to you, you can genuinely ask them, what do you mean? Like, not, no, no, no, I don't believe you, or, uh, this is awkward. More like, well, what do you mean by that?

• 14:42Jay Shetty?

  Like, what do you love about me? And you may think that that's quite forward, but actually you give yourself an opportunity to listen to that person, and that person also gets a sign that goes, okay, well, this person's smart, this person's switched on. I remember actually saying that to an ex-girlfriend early on, and that being her response, and it actually made me reflect, only for me to realize that I didn't have as strong feelings for her as I thought. And I think that that can be probably one of the best things that someone can ask you is, what do you mean by that? Like, what do you love about me? I'd love to know. And you're asking it not in a confrontational, intimidating way, you're asking it in a genuine

• 15:21Jay Shetty?

  way. And so I want you to be aware of this one, because the challenge is when someone says, I love you, they're signing up to live up to their definition. And when you say, I love you, you're signing up to live up to your definition. And so if you both have your own definitions, but you think that person's signing up to yours, and you think you're signing up to theirs, right? Like, actually, you think you're signing up to yours. So if you're not ready to commit to their definition, or if you don't even know what it is, chances are that's going to be a challenge. So that's something to look out. This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a business. If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed

• 16:06Jay Shetty?

  sponsored jobs helps find quality candidates when you need the most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications, or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now. In the minute I've been talking to you, companies like yours made 27 hires on Indeed, according to Indeed data worldwide. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com/podcast. That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs.

• 16:48Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision making, and that extends to the practical stuff, too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state. This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market,

• 17:30Jay Shetty?

  who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colors, high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online. Number two is the pressure to have sex. Fifty-two percent of women who are app users felt pressure to have sex by someone who love bombed them, right? This is really, really challenging to see, to think that over 50% of people are pressured.

• 18:13Jay Shetty?

  And I don't have the stats on how many of those people actually go through with it. But it's really interesting how sex can distort our perception of love. So the research shows that sex can distract us from making good choices about who to be with and whether to stay with them. So if you're being pressured into sex too early on in a relationship or ever in a relationship, it can actually distort how you feel about that person and about love. And one of the biggest causes of that distraction is the hormone oxytocin. Now, according to neuroscientist and psychiatrist Daniel Amen, oxytocin is related to feelings of being in love,

• 18:54Jay Shetty?

  and the release of oxytocin can support and even accelerate bonding and trust. So generally, men have lower levels of oxytocin than women, but sex causes men's oxytocin levels to spike more than 500%. New York University neuroscientist Robert Fromke says that oxytocin acts like a volume dial, turning up and amplifying brain activity related to whatever someone is already experiencing. During and after sex, we feel more in love. But it's not actually love. We feel closer chemically, even though we're not closer emotionally. Additionally, the hormone actually has a temporary blocking effect on negative memories.

• 19:38Jay Shetty?

  So all those little things that were bothering you, or that argument you had beforehand, or the worry you had that they weren't right for you, which might have been a major warning sign, could fade after sex. So if someone pressures you into having sex and you go through with it, chances are you'll forget that you were pressured into it. Chances are you'll forget that you were unsure about them beforehand. So when I interviewed husband and wife relationship experts John and Julie Gottman on my podcast, and Dr. Daniel Aman's also been on the podcast. But John said that oxytocin can be the hormone of bad judgment. He says you keep thinking it's going to be okay, because the hormone makes you feel safe and secure.

• 20:19Jay Shetty?

  You don't see the red flags the person is sending, saying, "I'm not trustworthy." So I want you to be really careful at the beginning of a relationship about how you feel about something, how quickly you have sex, not from a position of like, "I'm not saying like, 'Hold it back, wait till this date.'" Like, that's not the kind of advice I'm giving you. What I'm trying to say to you is, if you have sex, you're likely to have more positive feelings about this person and forget the bad things about them during that time. And so you don't want to be making decisions around that time, right? That's not the time you want to be making those choices and making those decisions. So I really want you to be reflective and thoughtful about that. Please, please, please think about that for sure.

• 21:02Jay Shetty?

  All right, number three is, someone is talking about moving in marriage and kids. Now, again, this feels like an exciting thing. "Oh, my gosh, they want to move in with me." And I'm talking about if they talk about this too early. Marriage, kids, love bombing, again, from the Schenko study. 25% of women need to seek therapy after they've been love bombed. Right, because it really makes you believe you're really special when someone's like, and I had a friend who literally just went through this. Oh, let's move in. I can't wait to have kids. Oh my God, they'll be so cute. You're having all these conversations so early on, and you don't even know what country you want to live in. You don't even know what you're doing with your own life. You don't even know this person's family and you're having all these conversations. So I think this is a big one.

• 21:47Jay Shetty?

  And this actually happens more during times of personal stress and personal weakness. So listen to this. I've got a couple of stories I want to share with you. Fresh out of college, Caitlin Riley decided she was ready to find love. So to meet someone, she joined a coed soccer team. Unfortunately, Caitlin says, she didn't get a lot of passes, flirtatious or otherwise. Finally, during one game, a ball came her way. Seeing her opportunity to score a goal, Caitlin went for it. Unfortunately, the ball ricocheted and smacked her in the face. Her eye red and swollen, Caitlin went to ER and saw the on-call doctor, who told her she'd have to come in for daily exams for a while to make sure the healing went well.

• 22:31Jay Shetty?

  On that first meeting, something else happened. Caitlin sensed a little chemistry. Was it possible the young doctor was flirting with her? Over several more visits and after a little online research, Caitlin decided the doctor could be the man of her dreams. And he was definitely into her, right? A few weeks later, at her last appointment, she decided to ask her doctor out. Yet when the time came, she got nervous, she fainted. Caitlin ended up being wheeled to the ER and was so embarrassed, she never asked him out. But as she says, when it comes to love, she's keeping her good eye open, right? Now, the reason I'm telling you that story is because in times of stress, we almost get attracted to people, especially who are taking care of us, who are supporting us, who are looking out for us.

• 23:15Jay Shetty?

  And whether there was romantic chemistry or not there, we're more open to this idea of being love bombed. Obviously, that's a specific and extreme scenario. But you want to think about when you're stressed, how you view the person you're attracted to. Another story I wanted to tell you about. Tasha and Andrew met at a healing workshop. Tasha had crossed several states. And Andrew had flown in from another country. During the intensive, the two paired up several times and by the end, they confessed their attraction to one another. They made a plan to meet up again in a city roughly halfway between where they lived. They spent a magical long weekend together and from there, they embarked on a passionate romance. Before long, Tasha moved to Andrew's home country to be with him and she became pregnant.

• 24:00Jay Shetty?

  Not long after that, they were married. Unfortunately, soon after their baby was born, the problems began. Tasha began to suffer depression and feeling alone in her new country and questioning her relationship with Andrew. She and their child moved home, unsure of whether Andrew would be joining them. Eventually, he did, and they started couples counselling. Both of those stories are an example of what can happen when we meet during times of high emotional stress. In psychological terms, transference is when a client or patient projects their emotions and inner conflicts, sometimes related to a specific person in their life, such as a parent or partner, onto a practitioner.

• 24:42Jay Shetty?

  But we can experience projections of this kind in any type of relationship, right? Transference and similar types of projection can also temporarily blind us to signs that the other person isn't perhaps right for us, that the relationship could be inappropriate, or that they'll simply not be interested in us in that way. So, this is why in my book, I talk so deeply about solitude and the power of being in a good place, not in the perfect place, but being in a good place when you get into a relationship, because now you're able to spot these signs earlier. Right? Again, this doesn't mean you have to break up with someone if they display this sign or something like that. But so often, we're actually turning to someone out of weakness, rather than a position of strength.

• 25:28Jay Shetty?

  Now, the next one is gaslighting, number four. And for this one, I want you to go and listen to my episode with Dr. Ramani on the show. So I'm referencing three great podcasts to go listen to after this one. Dr. Daniel Amen's been on the podcast maybe three or four times now. All of them are great interviews. Then we've had John and Julie Gottman have been on the podcast once. And Dr. Ramani, who's been on the podcast one. We did a masterclass on gaslighting narcissism and love bombing together. Make sure you go listen to that episode. I think a lot of people are experiencing gaslighting more and more now. And it comes from the other person's insecurity. It comes from the other person's challenges, but end up leaving us with insecurities and challenges.

• 26:09Jay Shetty?

  So the definition that's given by medical news today is that in relationships, an abusive person may use gaslighting to isolate their partner, undermine their confidence and make them easier to control. For example, they might tell someone they are irrational until the person starts to think it must be true. Right? So they make you feel you have a particular weakness in order for them to be more in control of that relationship. Make sure you go listen to the Dr. Ramani episode. All right. Number five, someone who encourages you to give up your purpose, passion or your dreams.

• 26:51Jay Shetty?

  This one's huge because often you find someone who's like, ah, don't worry about that. It's not a big deal. Like, oh, that's okay. Maybe you're just too ambitious, right? There's a bit of gaslighting there too. You're too ambitious. There's no need for that. You know, it's just not really, you know, do you really want that? Like, you know, it's that questioning, that doubting that comes in. And I think it's so important for us to be there as a support for our partners. So if you find someone that supports your dreams versus gets insecure about your dreams, that's the kind of person that you want in your life. Again, I'm not telling you to break up with this person, but it's to have this conversation and say, hey, like I've chased this because I really believe in it. I really want this myself. Often a partner can help you realize whether you truly want something.

• 27:35Jay Shetty?

  So sometimes this questioning is very helpful. If someone's saying to you like, do you really want that or does your parent want that? That's a great question. That's helping you reflect. And so the question you have to ask yourself is, is this person telling me what to think? Or are they telling me how to think, right? If someone's helping you learn how to think, that's different from them telling you what to think. And that's the kind of person that you want to help build in your life and hopefully help reflect with them. In a 2019 piece for The Atlantic, senior editor Julie Beck investigated what it means to be ready for a relationship. What she found is that the meaning of the phrase varies widely and is tough to pin down.

• 28:16Jay Shetty?

  However, results from Google's index of search strings on printed materials shows that the term first showed up in the 1950s, but not until the 1980s did it rise to popularity. Today, it's everywhere. Stephanie Kuntz, a professor of history and family studies, told Beck, "The timing of the word is just about perfectly aligned with a sea change in people's conceptions of marriage." It used to be that you got married in order to grow up, settle down, start saving up for a future home, move away from your teenage preoccupation with yourself, and learn how to handle a relationship. Whereas many saw marriage as a cornerstone for building a happy and successful life,

• 29:00Jay Shetty?

  now it's viewed more as a capstone. Younger people are more apt to want to embark on a relationship when we feel we've checked off some of our individual adulting goals. So it's almost like we got into a relationship in the past to become adults. Now it's almost like I want to date an adult, right? How many times have you ever said that? Like, I don't want to date a child. I don't want to be with a child. I don't want to be with a kid. I don't have to take care of someone as their parent. But that's how relationships started in the past and they evolved. Now we're expecting people to have done some self-work before we get to that. So in this situation, what a relationship requires is a little bit of compassion and empathy. So if someone doesn't have the ability to be compassionate and empathetic and you don't towards them, it becomes really challenging

• 29:44Jay Shetty?

  because you're expecting them to already be a complete person before they're even ready for it, before they've even gone through what's needed. And this is that catch 22, because you want someone who's working on themselves, is a work in progress, but isn't a masterpiece, right? Like, that's the idea, that you're looking for someone who's on the path, not perfect. If you're looking for perfection, it's going to be impossible. And if that person's looking for perfection, it's impossible. But you're looking for someone who's on the path of self-work and growth. That's a healthier thing to look for. Now, the next one is people who talk about their exes. Now, according to a survey of a thousand people by Your Tango,

• 30:26Jay Shetty?

  seventy-one percent said they still think about their ex too much. Of single respondents, the number was eighty-one percent, and more than half of single respondents said they think about their ex so much, it's keeping them from moving on. And it seems marriage doesn't solve ex obsession either, says this study. Sixty percent of married folks said they think about an ex too often, and thirty-seven percent said it actually causes problems in their marriage. So you do want to be mindful. I think we live in a time right now where it's like, oh, everyone has exes. It's normal, of course it is. But if someone's still talking about their ex a lot, comparing you to their ex, fixated on how things were with their ex, even if they keep bringing it up in conversation and being like, oh, I didn't work out with my ex because of this,

• 31:11Jay Shetty?

  or, oh, I'm still friends with my ex, right? We want to be cool about these things, but it can cause challenges. And this is the part that really blew my mind, that seventy percent of guys and seventy-six percent of girls say they've searched for an ex online. So a lot of us are still addicted to our exes, the ones that got away. Eighty-six percent of survey respondents said they still look at photos of their ex. And so for those of us that want to be all cool and act like nonchalant about our partner being friends with their ex, it is definitely something that if you're worried about it, if you're anxious about it, it could be a big deal. And I don't just want you to pass it off because you think you're more cool

• 31:55Jay Shetty?

  or more easy if you don't make a thing out of it. Matches Singles of America survey found that half of men and forty-two percent of women said they'd stay friends with an ex. However, a study by researchers from the University of Connecticut found that when people were friends with their ex, they tended to not only have more romantic desires, but also more negative feelings towards their ex than they had towards opposite-sex friends they'd never dated. So the research suggests you can be friends with your ex, but it can be complicated. I want to thank you for listening to today's episode. I hope it gave you a ton of great insights. When you're talking about this topic to your friends, it's such a big theme.

• 32:39Jay Shetty?

  And of course, I'd love for you to get my new book, Eight Rules of Love from eightrulesoflove.com. Thank you so much.

• 32:55Speaker 01

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• 33:24Speaker 02

  Mr. President, my company informed me of the explosion on our rig on October 2nd. Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heap the blame on me.

• 33:34Jay Shetty?

  Tom Cruise is.

• 33:35Speaker 02

  Digger got us into this mess, and Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and The Revenant.

• 33:41Speaker 03

  What would happen if I stopped drilling? You stop, you freeze to death, that's what.

• 33:45Speaker 02

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 33:48Speaker 03

  I'm not the first nanny.

• 33:50Speaker 02

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not a middle without parent.