174. Fix Meetings: Transform Gatherings Into Meaningful Moments

Turn any meeting or get-together into a chance for deep connection and collaboration. Whether you’re holding a team meeting or hosting a family get-together, the success of any gathering, says Priya Parker https://www.fastersmarter.io/guests/priya-parker/, isn’t about the perfect agenda or venue, but about the intentionality behind how you bring people together. “90% of the success of any gathering happens before anyone enters the room,” says Parker. As the author of The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters http://fastersmarter.io/theartofgathering, and a strategic advisor who has helped organizations worldwide reimagine their gatherings, Parker believes that thoughtful preparation can turn any meeting, whether professional or personal, into a meaningful and memorable experience for all involved. “Intentionality is the first step,” she says, “to pause and ask: why are we doing this? What is the purpose? What is the need in this community or in this classroom or in this team?” In this episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart https://www.fastersmarter.io/, Parker joins Matt Abrahams to explore the art of meaningful gatherings, sharing practical strategies for everything from crafting invitations that prime engagement to designing powerful closings that leave a lasting impact. By being more thoughtful in bringing people together, we can transform ordinary meetings into extraordinary opportunities for connection and collaboration. Episode Reference Links: Priya Parker https://www.fastersmarter.io/guests/priya-parker/ Priya’s Book: The Art of Gathering http://fastersmarter.io/theartofgathering Ep.124 Making Meetings Meaningful, Pt. 1: How to Structure and Organize More Effective Gatherings https://www.fastersmarter.io/124-making-meetings-meaningful-pt-1-how-to-structure-and-organize-more-effective-gatherings/ Ep.125 Making Meetings Meaningful, Pt. 2: Key Ingredients for Effective Meetings https://www.fastersmarter.io/125-making-meetings-meaningful-pt-2-key-ingredients-for-effective-meetings/ Connect: Premium Signup >>>> Think Fast Talk Smart Premium https://www.fastersmarter.io/premium/Email Questions & Feedback >>> [email protected] Transcripts >>>Think Fast Talk Smart Website https://www.fastersmarter.io/174-fix-meetings-transform-gatherings-into-meaningful-moments/Newsletter Signup + English Language Learning >>>FasterSmarter.io http://fastersmarter.io/Think Fast Talk Smart >>>LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/company/think-fast-talk-smart/,Instagram https://www.instagram.com/thinkfasttalksmart/, YouTube https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6caGRBUYZCmgDGM2RK6mxKB9jG_ccmm3Matt Abrahams >>>LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/maabrahams/ Chapters: (00:00) - Introduction (00:49) - Intentionality in Everyday Conversations (02:35) - Questioning the Purpose of Gatherings (04:43) - The Power of Great Questions (07:46) - Managing Heat in Conversations (09:55) - Encouraging Participation Beforehand (12:35) - Creating Impactful Endings (15:01) - The Final Three Questions (17:55) - Conclusion ******** Thank you to our sponsors. These partnerships support the ongoing production of the podcast, allowing us to bring it to you at no cost. Learn more about how Notion https://www.notion.com/?utm_source=podcasts&utm_medium=thinkfast can support your business at notion.com/thinkfast. https://www.notion.com/?utm_source=podcasts&utm_medium=thinkfast Join our Think Fast Talk Smart Learning Community and become the communicator you want to be. https://learning.fastersmarter.io/?redirect_from=podpage

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Matt Abrahams?

  In the moment, conflict is difficult for everyone. In our October newsletter, out now, you will learn ways to help yourself handle these challenges better. Not only do you get specific advice, we're also providing an infographic to help you remember. Find our newsletter on the Think Fast, Talk Smart LinkedIn page or at fastersmarter.io under Resources. Being purposeful in the way we come together, in the way we gather, can decide and define the success of our group communication. My name is Matt Abrahams, and I teach strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast.

• 0:43Matt Abrahams?

  Today, I'm looking forward to speaking with Priya Parker. Priya is best known for her book, The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters. She's an expert facilitator and strategic advisor. She's worked with organizations and individuals worldwide to reimagine how we come together in both personal and professional settings. Priya, thanks for being here. I'm so excited for our conversation.

• 1:07Speaker 01

  Thank you so much for having me.

• 1:08Matt Abrahams?

  All right, shall we get started?

• 1:10Speaker 01

  Let's do it.

• 1:11Matt Abrahams?

  Okay. In your book, The Art of Gathering, which I really have enjoyed, you emphasize the importance of intentionality when bringing people together. How can we apply that same level of intentionality to smaller, more everyday conversations and gatherings we have so that we can create more meaningful connections with those we're interacting with?

• 1:32Speaker 01

  A huge part of what I was trying to do with The Art of Gathering was interrupting the autopilot scripts that we are on in modern life, whether it's the assumption of how a meeting is run, whether it's an assumption of how one weds, or how one mourns, or how one parties. And so much of the invitation to that interruption is to actually pause and ask the question, why are we doing this? What is the purpose? What is the need in this community, or in this classroom, or in this team, that by bringing together a specific group of people? We might be able to address. And that same relationship, looking at what is the need here? What is the purpose?

• 2:17Speaker 01

  Why am I doing this? Is as applicable to everyday conversation because our everyday conversations are also on autopilot. Our everyday conversations are also on scripts. And scripts can absolutely be helpful. But in modern life, so many of us are looking for more meaning, more connection. If you're working in any modern workplace or join any type of association or club, we're not all the same. And so we don't have shared inherited ways of being together. So intentionality is the first step to actually pause and ask and to look, what is happening here? And what is my intent? And how do we begin to make something anew?

• 2:57Matt Abrahams?

  I really like this notion of being intentional with the meetings and gatherings that we have to take a pause and think about it. We all know that there are many meetings and gatherings that aren't needed. And then there are probably many that aren't happening that would be very beneficial. So taking that moment to pause and to think about what's important and what's not really makes a lot of sense. Do you have advice and guidance and criteria perhaps that we should think through as we're thinking about? Is a gathering warranted here?

• 3:24Speaker 01

  So I'm a conflict resolution facilitator. And so I think a lot about communication and helping people meaningfully connect through dialogue. And I started writing The Art of Gathering in 2012. Came out in 2018. And two years later, gathering was canceled. Part of what happened when the pandemic hit was that in most of our collective life, everything was temporarily interrupted. And part of what happened, particularly in our workplaces, was when every meeting collectively stopped, we began to actually ask these first order questions, which is when and where and why and how should we meet? And who decides? And so part of what has happened over the last four years,

• 4:09Speaker 01

  so many of our institutions, is we got off of autopilot because we couldn't meet in the same old ways. So whether it's a nonprofit asking traditionally raising 90% of its revenue one night a year at their gala, do we do this on Zoom? Asking these core questions, what happens when all of the board members can't be in the room? Do we put everyone on Zoom even if they're in the same room? Life is a series of coordination questions. Communication is a series of coordination questions. How people sit, what room they're in. And facilitators and communication experts and sociologists have thought about questions like this for years. But what the pandemic

• 4:52Speaker 01

  did is it democratized these questions and made everyone have to actually ask, how do we coordinate so that we can be efficient? How do we coordinate so that we can fight well? How do we coordinate so that people are off their scripts and not just giving their stump speeches?

• 5:05Matt Abrahams?

  I hadn't really thought of it this way, but the pandemic actually was a catalyst and an accelerant for some of the things you talk about because it did force all of us to all of a sudden disrupt our scripts and think really about what's important. And I think people are still remembering that and challenging the way they think about meetings and gatherings today. In your work, you often talk about the power of asking the right questions when hosting a gathering. What advice do you have to ensure that we ask questions that have impact?

• 5:35Speaker 01

  Being a good question asker opens the entire world. If there is one skill that you can just get really good at as a parent, as a boss, as a teacher, as a friend, it's almost like sorcery. It opens up their sense of self, a whole entire new world of possibility, imagination, and it's a learnable skill. And when we're bringing people together who don't necessarily want to be brought together but realize they need to, is what is the right question? What question are we asking this group? What is the right amount of vulnerability? What is the right amount of relevance? And a very simple equation I often write about is called the magical equation. For good questions. And here's what it is.

• 6:18Speaker 01

  A good question for a group is one that everybody is interested in answering, and everybody is interested in hearing each other's answers. So I'll give a simple example. One of my favorite questions to ask in a Zoom, particularly in a large group where you're just trying to warm people up and put into the chat box is, what is the first concert you went to? And who took you? Particularly in work context when there's dozens of people. All of a sudden, there's so much shared context. Oh, my gosh, Toni Braxton. Wow, Madonna, Michael Jackson. I didn't realize they were that old. Right? And this waterfall of so much information. And then also, who took me? My mom, my dad, my older sister,

• 7:02Speaker 01

  my stepsister after my parents divorced. It was the first activity we did together. And so all of a sudden, when you have the right question, it should be appropriately bounded for the community, appropriate for work or appropriate for intergenerational family or whatever your context might be. But learning to ask a question that sparks a group, that helps give them shared context and meaning, and expands their notions of each other is a really powerful skill.

• 7:27Matt Abrahams?

  I really like framing questions as this magic sorcery. Because you're right. It opens things up. It allows you to connect. It allows you to explore things very well. And your guidance of a good magical question is a question that everyone is interested in answering and everybody is interested in hearing others' answers makes a lot of sense. I have to know your first concert and who took you.

• 7:49Speaker 01

  My first concert was Sweet Honey on the Rock. They are an all-women's a cappella group in Washington DC. And I saw it in a church. And it was my cool, older stepsister, who was 10 years older than me. Right after my parents, my mother and her father got married. And she took me with her friends. And I just thought it was so cool.

• 8:08Matt Abrahams?

  You've facilitated conversations in some high stakes environments. When emotions run high, how do you recommend that we maintain focus on what truly matters without losing sight of the human element and getting sucked into all of that emotion?

• 8:23Speaker 01

  I mean, this is like the $10 million question that is relevant to every team that's relevant right now in whatever nation you're, you know, listening from, which is how do you hold heat without burning the house down? And I'm biracial, I'm bicultural, I'm half Indian, halfway American. In both sides of my family, we are very good at when heat arises, we're very good at just sticking our head in the sand, right? Nothing to see here, folks. And I'm a conflict resolution facilitator, but I'm a conflict averse resolution facilitator. And my deepest instincts, to this day, 25 years into facilitating, my hands get sweaty, my heart starts palpitating when I can feel heat, you know, rising in the room. And what I have most learned, I think I'm a relatively effective facilitator because

• 9:06Speaker 01

  I have deep empathy for the people in the room who also want to flee. And I have built skills as a facilitator to train myself to stay in the room. And so the first thing is, when you are holding, whether you're a manager, whether you're thinking about holding a conversation with an extended family, whatever, or set of friends, you can only hold a conversation as deep or as hot as the facilitator themselves can hold. And so the first thing is to start to becoming aware of your own kind of relationship to heat. The second is, heat is relevance. People get upset about, or people get worked up about things that matter to them. And so at some level, like, being a homing device for heat is something that is, it's a way of knowing, like, what matters to these people? What are the lines in this community?

• 9:51Speaker 01

  What are our shared values or our values where we are actually apart? And so part of having a relationship to heat is realizing, when heat is in the room, it means you're talking about something that matters. But the last thing I'll say is you can grow cultures of heat. And different cultures are attuned to whether or not something is seen as dangerous in terms of conflict. And in any type of team, you can grow people's muscles to normalize heated, respectful exchange.

• 10:17Matt Abrahams?

  First, I love this notion of holding heat without burning the house down and just calling it heat rather than conflict, rather than many other terms we might use, I think, is really important. And really, I like that notion of heat is all about relevance. It means you're touching on something that's important to people. So don't run away from it, lean into it. I find it ironic, as you pointed out, that you, as somebody who helps people engage in conflict, resolve conflict, manage conflict, are conflict averse. You don't have to be embracing of conflict to be good at managing conflict. And that's a powerful lesson. I appreciate you sharing that. I'm curious about the communication strategies you recommend for how hosts can actually encourage active participation

• 10:59Matt Abrahams?

  and genuine engagement for everyone, particularly when the groups are large and some people's voices might get overshadowed by others.

• 11:09Speaker 01

  The first thing, when I was a baby facilitator, one of my mentors would often say to us, 90% of the success of any gathering happens before anyone enters the room. And when you apply it to gathering, that means that, first of all, when you're thinking about participation and inviting participation, don't begin at the moment people enter the room or the Zoom. They're thinking about and being primed for what is expected of them and how to be a successful guest from the moment they receive the invitation. And so as you're thinking about what kind of participation am I hoping for, first of all, really good gatherers are really good namers. The language between, the difference between

• 11:49Speaker 01

  a meeting versus a workshop, right? Just the social contract between a meeting, which is sort of a vague term, versus a workshop, right? You're already going to roll your sleeves up. There's an inherent invitation to workshop. And this is absolutely communication. Like invitations are such missed opportunities because we think they're a carrier of logistics, right? Name, date, time and place. And so the first way to begin to think about participation is, what is the purpose of this meeting? Who actually needs to be there? Does it need to be this big? If it is this big, what are the different roles we're asking people to play? What are we actually calling this thing? And the second thing is, an invitation At some level as a story versus just like everyone getting onto a Zoom be like,

• 12:32Speaker 01

  "Hey, everyone, there's 150 of you here. We hope everyone gets a chance to ask a question. Come one, come all." You're not actually priming them. You're not setting them up for success. It's a false notion of democracy. And so this is why I said earlier, gathering is group coordination. It starts with language, but then it is also thinking about the structure of the group, the sequencing, where and how power is shared, and who can and should be listening based on what the purpose of the meeting is.

• 12:57Matt Abrahams?

  In many ways, we're going back to our discussion about questions. As somebody who is doing the gathering, there are some critical questions you have to ask yourself as you just identified. What's the arrangement? What's the power? Who has to be there? What's the environment like? And those questions can help. That language sets expectations for how the interaction will happen and how people will be treated. The work happens before the gathering. The invitation is critical. So few of us actually pay any attention to the invitation or the calendar invite. And you've highlighted so many ways that it can be empowering. We've talked a bit about what we do in advance, the inviting and how important that is. I'm curious, do you have thoughts on

• 13:38Matt Abrahams?

  what happens after the gathering to help really cement it? You know, how things end really impact how we feel about things. What thoughts do you have about at the conclusion of the gathering, but also after the fact? Are there things you recommend we do?

• 13:52Speaker 01

  I'm a lifelong student of improv, and one of my early teachers used to say, "Good actors think about how they enter the stage. Great actors obsess over how they leave. You enter the stage, you have this big opening, and then when your lines are done, you say, 'Okay, I'm done here. Right? Nothing to see here, folks.'" And similarly, in our gatherings, absolutely obsess over the first 5% of the opening because it sets the track for the rest of it, but also think about the last 5%. And studies show, including communication patterns, that over the course of a meeting or an experience or a conversation, people disproportionately remember the first 5% of peak experience and the last 5%. And as you said, most gatherings, most meetings don't end. They stop, right?

• 14:37Speaker 01

  Got to go. Okay, great. See you next time. Got to jump to my next call. And I'm as guilty of it as anyone else. But when you think about and plan for the last 5%, the closing 10 minutes, the closing 5 minutes, to just help people. Whenever I speak with organizations or companies, when there's people actually on the Zoom or webinar, the last 5 minutes, they'll say, how would you like to close? And I always say, we've spent 55 minutes together. Can you pop into the chat? One thing you're taking from today? What is the one insight or one maha? And then you see, I get to see what resonated. All sorts of things happen in a meeting. And if you don't debrief at the meeting, they're going to be debriefing on the Uber ride home. Debrief with the group, make meaning with the group. What happened here? What's the meaning of this conversation? Was that the worst conversation we ever had?

• 15:22Speaker 01

  Or was that a breakthrough?

• 15:23Matt Abrahams?

  I love this distinction between ending and stopping because most of us just stop. And what you're talking about is a sense of closure, a sense of ending. And often, these endings serve as beginnings or preparation for the next gathering. Most of the time, these things get revisited. And it sounds like there's a lot of work we can do in the end of the gathering that sets us up for the beginning of the next one. And I really appreciate that. We'll be right back to finish our conversation. But first, we're going to take a quick break for a word from our sponsors. Their support covers the cost of production so we can bring you this show for free. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. The best communicators don't just get their message across.

• 16:05Matt Abrahams?

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• 16:50Matt Abrahams?

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• 17:34Matt Abrahams?

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• 17:53Matt Abrahams?

  Priya, before we end, I like to ask all my guests three questions. One, I make up just for you. And two, I ask across everybody. Are you up for that?

• 18:00Speaker 01

  I'm up for it.

• 18:01Matt Abrahams?

  You've shared with us lots of great ideas and activities. Do you have a really quick, short icebreaker you like to use? Or you like to participate in in gatherings you're a participant in?

• 18:12Speaker 01

  There's one that I actually attended for a dinner that I thought was hilarious, and I started borrowing it, which is, what is an unpopular, low-stakes position you hold? Right? And so people are like, ketchup is a terrible sauce. Or mustard is really the unsung hero of condiments. It creates actually some of that banter and some of that heat and allows people, it's equalizing. Everyone has a low-stakes, unpopular opinion. And it allows people to laugh and starts to just warm up the crowd in a way that then actually counterintuitively shows we can hold different opinions than each other.

• 18:52Matt Abrahams?

  Yeah, I see the value in that, in that it sets the stage for discussing different points of view, but it does so in a way that has less heat. Question number two, who is a communicator you admire and why?

• 19:05Speaker 01

  Congressman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. I think she is one of the greatest communicators of her generation. First, she deeply understands, like great communicators, the different tools at her disposal and when to use what, when to post a video on Twitter versus when to go on a morning show versus when to Ask Me Anythings on Instagram. So she's incredibly versatile in her tools, which is unusual. She deeply listens and assumes that people are coming with the best of intent, even when they're angry. And she just so deeply, deeply knows her stuff.

• 19:43Matt Abrahams?

  I agree that she communicates very well, and I encourage people to look at the authenticity, the directness, and the appropriateness of content and channel through which it's delivered. Question number three. What are the first three ingredients that go into a successful communication recipe?

• 20:01Speaker 01

  Getting clear on intent, getting clear on desired outcome, and listening and paying deep attention to the other person.

• 20:12Matt Abrahams?

  So really, being clear on where you're coming from and being open to listening and understanding where the other person is coming from. Thank you, Priya, so much for your time and for your insight. The purpose-driven approach to gatherings is incredibly helpful. We need to spend more time, not just in the gathering itself, but in the orchestrating of the gathering and making sure that it ends well. Your advice and guidance are incredibly helpful.

• 20:39Speaker 01

  It's been a pleasure to be your guest.

• 20:41Matt Abrahams?

  Thank you for joining us for another episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. To enjoy more from Priya Parker, check out Think Fast, Talk Smart Premium at fastersmarter.io/premium to hear her full deep think episode. To learn more about gatherings and meetings, please listen to our two-part mini-series, Episodes 124 and 125, with Karen Reed, Joe Allen, and Elise Keith. This episode was produced by Jenny Luna, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams. Our music is from Floyd Wunder, with thanks to Podium Podcast Company. Please find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe and rate us.

• 21:28Matt Abrahams?

  Before we wrap up, I just want to say thank you for listening. It really means a lot to hear how people all over the world are using these ideas in their own lives. It inspires me and the whole team that brings you this show. If you want more episodes and resources, feel free to follow, subscribe, and explore past conversations. We're grateful for your support of Think Fast, Talk Smart.