2 Dating Mistakes You Unknowingly Do & 5 Ways to Overcome Communication Blocks with Special Guests Rayna Greenberg and Ashley Hesseltine

Today, I’m speaking to Rayna Greenberg and Ashley Hesseltine who share their thoughts on dating and relationships. They take turns in talking about their best and worst dates, the general struggles most women have while dating, how to get through a difficult breakup - the do’s and don’ts - and the subtle dating red flags that are often missed. Rayna and Ashley of the "Girls Gotta Eat" podcast. The podcast was launched in 2017 and has since become a popular destination for listeners who enjoy discussions about dating, relationships, sex, and women's experiences in these areas. Each episode features the two hosts discussing their personal experiences, sharing dating and relationship advice, and answering listener questions. The podcast is known for its humorous and relatable approach to these topics, as well as its frank and honest conversations. In addition to offering advice, the hosts also interview guests who are experts in various aspects of dating, relationships, and sex, such as therapists, sex educators, and relationship coaches. Overall, "The Girls Gotta Eat" is a lively and entertaining podcast that provides a unique perspective on the ups and downs of dating and relationships for women. You can order my new book 8 RULES OF LOVE at 8rulesoflove.com or at a retail store near you. You can also get the chance to see me live on my first ever world tour. This is a 90 minute interactive show where I will take you on a journey of finding, keeping and even letting go of love. Head to jayshettytour.com and find out if I'll be in a city near you. Thank you so much for all your support - I hope to see you soon. What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 02:18 Rayna and Ashley talk about settling into LA and what’s been going on for them since moving in. 04:09 What defines a good date? 06:32 Many relationships may be great on the phone, but some don’t work after meeting up. 15:41 How do you manifest your dream date and what can you bring into the relationship? 22:00 Success can be intimidating and this is why it's challenging to date when you’re successful. 27:24 The early mistakes we make when dating and how to avoid them. 29:25 This is why our happiness shouldn’t depend on other people and start learning to enjoy every moment in our life. 32:16 Common practices of happy couples and why they work so well. 35:16 Rayna and Ashley share their thoughts on lovers becoming friends and vice versa. 39:11 How do you deal with a breakup? 45:00 The hidden messages many of us don’t see that often leads to the relationship breakup. 47:01 Pay attention to these commonly missed red flags because not all relationships are the same. 51:19 Having children is a choice, Rayna and Ashley share their stance on the topic. 59:58 What options do we have when we’re at the end of our lives? 01:03:24 Girls Gotta Eat on Final Five Episode Resources Girls Gotta Eat | Website Girls Gotta Eat | YouTube Girls Gotta Eat | Instagram Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet,

• 0:44Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process, and once something sells,

• 1:30Jay Shetty?

  Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you. And the best part, there are no seller fees, so you keep what you earn. It's a simple way to clear out your closet, be less wasteful, and maybe make some extra money along the way. And if you've been thinking about a wardrobe refresh, this can make it feel a little more worthwhile. You're not just letting go of clothes, you're getting more value from what you already have. Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating.

• 2:16Jay Shetty?

  And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and is clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1

• 2:59Jay Shetty?

  Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose.

• 3:09Speaker 01

  You just get blindsided, broke up with out of the blue and he's like, you do this, you do that. And you're like, why didn't you tell me when those things were happening? Because feedback is important.

• 3:26Jay Shetty?

  Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. And I am so excited to be talking to you today. I can't believe it. My new book, Eight Rules of Love, is out and I cannot wait to share it with you. I am so, so excited for you to read this book, for you to listen to this book. I read the audiobook. If you haven't got it all ready, make sure you go to eightrulesoflove.com. It's dedicated to anyone who's trying to find, keep, or let go of love. So if you've got friends that are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure you grab this book.

• 4:06Jay Shetty?

  And I'd love to invite you to come and see me for my global tour, Love Rules. Go to jayshettytour.com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences, and more. I can't wait to see you this year. And so I've been loving learning from anyone who has insights, tips, tricks about dating, about love, about relationships. And today's guests are going to give us a lot of That I'm talking about the incredible podcasters behind Girls Gotta Eat, a top comedy podcast about dating intimacy and relationships hosted by Ashley Hesseltine and Rayna Greenberg. Rayna and Ashley candidly discuss any and all dating related topics ranging from fetishes to finances

• 4:50Jay Shetty?

  and bring in regular guests, including therapists, comedians, doctors and authors. Most recently, Rayna and Ashley have launched a new company and I'm so excited to interview them right now. The company's called Vibes Only and they're in the studio right now. Ashley and Rayna, thank you so much for being here.

• 5:07Speaker 01

  Thank you so much. So it's such a lovely intro. Thank you so much.

• 5:11Jay Shetty?

  Lovely interview.

• 5:13Speaker 01

  You're doing so great interviewing Ash.

• 5:14Speaker 02

  Rayna does our intro, so she really gets off on what I should do.

• 5:17Jay Shetty?

  Oh, I love it.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, wait till we flip it and we get to hype you.

• 5:19Speaker 02

  That's her love language.

• 5:20Speaker 01

  I'm gonna be like, number one, blah, blah, blah. So thank you for having us. We're so excited.

• 5:24Jay Shetty?

  No, I'm so excited. As I said, my whole team are huge fans. Anyone that I told I was gonna see you today, they were like, oh my gosh, no way, please say hello. So there was so much energy for us to be together and I've definitely felt like I've been trying to do more and more of this where, and I think we'll see this when we post about it and talk about it. I've been trying to sit down with people that people don't expect me to sit down with and that people don't expect to sit down with me. And I think that's what creates this like really beautiful synergy in getting to know people. So I want to get to know you both today. I also want all your advice because my audience is constantly looking for advice and tips and tricks. But I want to start off with just by saying, how's your day been so far? What have you been up to today? Anything fun?

• 6:04Speaker 01

  Driving through the hills of Hollywood, taking a tour. No, we just moved here. I mean, I say moved loosely, but we're gonna be here for a few months, maybe permanently. So

• 6:14Jay Shetty?

  Wow, congrats.

• 6:15Speaker 01

  Seeing a new part of LA and meeting you and we were, we actually have had a pretty exciting day work wise. We booked some really fun stuff with interviews. We have to go back to New York for some things and it's been a good day.

• 6:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, we're planning our next leg of our tour. We booked London where you're from, so we're really excited to go there. We'll announce that soon. Yeah, so we did a lot of really fun stuff because we're releasing really fun things for Valentine's Day for our intimacy company. Yes, exactly.

• 6:41Jay Shetty?

  I love it. I love it.

• 6:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's been a great day. I'm like, feeling good.

• 6:45Jay Shetty?

  Where are you staying right now? You said you're in a good area. Was there specifically where you're staying?

• 6:49Speaker 01

  I'm in West Hollywood and Rayna is.

• 6:52Speaker 02

  She can speak for herself, but she's in Venice.

• 6:54Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I love Venice. Yeah, the first time I, me and my wife came here for work, we stayed in Burbank and my wife was just like, oh my gosh, there's nothing to do in LA because we thought Burbank was LA. And then the second time we came, we stayed in West Hollywood and my husband was like, oh, this is cool. I can go to the gym. I can get creations.

• 7:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:11Jay Shetty?

  And then by the third time, she was like, okay, yeah, we can move there. So it took a process.

• 7:15Speaker 02

  It's a hard city to know and I came here so many times and it's just, I feel like most cities we go to, like Charleston or Austin or Chicago, I can know it in two days. I'm like, I get it. But LA is so big and so vast, there's so many areas. It takes a minute, but we're really loving it. We've been here for two weeks. It's just been really amazing to it. I went to the beach for the sunset last night.

• 7:34Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 7:35Speaker 02

  And it's just been really nice.

• 7:36Jay Shetty?

  I love that.

• 7:37Speaker 02

  And we're gonna start dating here, so we're really excited. Not each other, other people.

• 7:40Jay Shetty?

  Okay, not each, okay, got it. All right, let's, let's, let's dive into dating.

• 7:43Speaker 02

  This is where we come out.

• 7:44Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, let's, yeah, let's, yeah, let's talk about that.

• 7:46Speaker 02

  Well, when we said we were moving to LA, everybody was like, together? And we're like, no. We're adults. No, but.

• 7:53Jay Shetty?

  I love that. Yeah, let's, let's talk about that. When, when it comes to dating, I want to hear, what's been the best date you've ever been on?

• 7:59Speaker 02

  Oh my God, the best. So for me, like what defines a good date is not like the activity necessarily, it's just how hard I'm laughing with somebody and that I want to go to like the next place, the next place, the next place and just like drink, dinner, whatever. Um, I had a really crazy date that was my first date in New York City ever 15 years ago. This guy like picked me up in a car, which is crazy. You don't do that in New York.

• 8:20Speaker 02

  That's a red flag. Yeah, it was weird. And he took me to Buddha Bar and we just had this like crazy, over the top New York. I was like, I can't believe I'm doing it. I'm in New York. This is a new experience, a new place, this hot guy, it's so cool. We just laughed all night and we drank, we drank a lot. Uh, and then we took a car, we left his car, we took a car to the airport because we decided we were gonna fly to the Caribbean.

• 8:40Jay Shetty?

  What? On the first date?

• 8:41Speaker 02

  On the first date and we went to the airport. What were you on? I wasn't sober. Um, we went to the, we drove out to Newark and we got to the airport. It was like, it was one o'clock in the morning and they were like, no flights fly out right now. And we were just like, go back home.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  If you find yourself in an airport in New Jersey on a first date, something has gone awry.

• 9:03Speaker 02

  You know me though, I like a person who's a little crazy. So I was like, is this the coolest person I ever met also when I was 21? But, um, I just like somebody who like surprises me. It's fun, good conversation. That was like a fun date for me. What's your best date?

• 9:15Speaker 01

  I mean, I had these dates when I first moved to New York that were just epic where you're, you know, in a basement, dancing, and then you go have like sake and sushi somewhere and you end up with late night tacos. You start on a rooftop, like all these epic dates. Like, I really love dating there and going out with guys that were like showing me the city. I mean, I've been to New York a million times, but I always say it's a really great way to get to know a city is to have people take you out. So guys would take me to all these places and I would take dates there later and just act like I was this cool girl who knew my way around the city so well. But, I mean, it's just, it feels like it's so obvious. Like the best date I've ever been on was probably with like the person I fell the most in love with. Like the first date that was like so casual. It was a day date. Randy's probably going to roast me for this, but.

• 9:58Speaker 02

  He loves a day date.

• 9:58Speaker 01

  You know, I like showed up.

• 10:00Speaker 02

  We had the complexion for it though.

• 10:01Speaker 01

  I showed up. He was already eating because he was nervous. I was like, this is off to a terrible start, you know? And it was like, should have been so bad, but you're sitting there with someone where you're like, oh, this is the real deal. So it's like, yeah, as horny as it sounds, that's probably the best date where you leave it and you're like, okay, this is it probably.

• 10:19Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. All right. What's the worst date you've ever been on? Because I know you're gonna have some, what's that?

• 10:23Speaker 02

  Thank you for asking.

• 10:24Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I have to go.

• 10:26Speaker 02

  I try to not look at any, like so many of our listeners are like, I don't want to go on bad dates. It's like, at least you walk away with a story. So that's like the positive is that even if you're there, as long as you feel safe. If somebody's not great, a little bit like crazy and an idiot, I'll stay. I'll like, I'll see this through. The worst date I think I've been on was right when we started the podcast. I had met this guy at a bar a few nights ago, and he had asked me out. So he'd met me before. This is not like an online date. We picked this dive bar to go to because they were supposed to have the best burgers. He said he'd never had them. I was like, oh, we gotta go there. That'll be such a fun date. He didn't confirm the date, the day of, and I was like, this is already like kinda rude. I showed up, he was already there and he'd gotten himself a drink and it was pouring down rain. So I walk in, he got himself a drink and I walk up to the bar and I order a drink and it's all cash.

• 11:10Speaker 02

  And so I looked at him, this is a dive bar, the drinks are six dollars. And I looked at him because I thought maybe he would like buy me the drink. And he was like, there's an ATM like down the street. In the pouring, I had to go get my own money and I was like, I guess I'll just saddle up and stay.

• 11:23Jay Shetty?

  And you did, you went bang, came back.

• 11:25Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, I went, I got, I got the cash.

• 11:27Speaker 01

  Had we started the podcast?

• 11:28Speaker 02

  We had, we talked about this on the podcast, we didn't have to go to how to lose a girl on one date.

• 11:33Speaker 01

  The beauty of what we do, you just stay for the story.

• 11:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, I just stay for the story.

• 11:36Speaker 01

  Like, I'm like, I'll actually pick the tab.

• 11:38Jay Shetty?

  But that's since the podcast started, not before the podcast.

• 11:40Speaker 01

  But I've always done comedy, so I'm like, it's always, like, the best dates are the, the worst dates are the best dates for the content. But anyway, sorry.

• 11:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, he just, he interrupted me constantly, he didn't ask me any questions about myself. Anytime I would talk for any long sixty seconds on myself, he looked so bored, he couldn't, he just couldn't be bothered. He was just rude, he wasn't engaged at all. And then somebody came up and like recognized me because I used to be a food blogger and this guy was like, oh my God, I follow you. And that guy walked away and I was like, that's so cool. Nobody ever recognized me back and that was so cool to me. And he just jumped right back into his story, like no acknowledgement of like, that's so neat that you're, you know, people are a fan of your work. He just was like rude to start to finish. Uh, and then he insisted that I split every single round at the bar with him. And, and Ashley and I have mixed feelings about paying on dates. Wouldn't, I don't want you to make it weird. I, I don't think that anybody owes me money, but I don't want you to be so rude to me, especially again, drinks are six dollars.

• 12:32Speaker 02

  So, yes, he was rude, he didn't ask questions, I just didn't feel a vibe, that's probably the worst date I've ever been on.

• 12:37Jay Shetty?

  Wow.

• 12:37Speaker 02

  We never talked again.

• 12:39Speaker 01

  Um.

• 12:39Jay Shetty?

  Until yesterday.

• 12:41Speaker 01

  They're actually back together.

• 12:42Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 12:42Speaker 01

  He moved here with us. Um, do, am I, is it probably just like the voice, the catfish voice? I don't know.

• 12:48Speaker 02

  That's pretty funny.

• 12:49Jay Shetty?

  Okay, I need to know this.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, so this, I guess it just started this rule of me not going on a date. It actually kind of stopped me getting on the apps probably. This might've been one of the very last app dates I did. I actually came back to New York. From quarantine COVID times, I was at my parents' house. And when things felt safe enough and people were going out and having patio dates, I was like on the streets. Like I was in FEMA tents on the street having dates. Like I was like, what is, what are we doing out here? You know, that's like all you could do. But I think people really wanted that connection. They've been inside for so long. So they were doing whatever it took. I felt like it was a fun time to date. It was like the people that were in New York were ready to be out there. A lot of people were like broken up in the pandemic.

• 13:30Speaker 01

  And so that, you know, late summer into the fall, and then it kind of shut down again in the winter of 2020, was like a dating time, but we were all just out on the literal streets. And so there were a few times where I was like, I can't do this anymore. I'm just like drinking sake out of a plastic cup. It's 30 degrees out. Like, what is my life? I have a space heater by my feet. In a tent.

• 13:50Jay Shetty?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 13:51Speaker 01

  You know, like in these little like structures that they built. But this one really set the tone for I'm not going out with strangers anymore, that I haven't heard their voice, I haven't seen them walk and talk. And this guy, we had such good banter. Remember, we were bantering all throughout the election, the election that lasted a week long before we got the results. So we were texting all week and his banter was on point. He looked really cute in his pictures. He was tall and had a job. And we, I was like, what's the catch here? Because if you're a woman who dates in New York City for quite some time, you know that there's going to be a catch. There just is, you know, like what's going to be wrong with this guy? And he walked up, we met on the street to walk to this bar. He looked just like his photos. I'm like, what's it going to be? When he spoke, it was the voice of Michael Jackson.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  It was the most soft. It was Michael Jackson. I mean, it was the softest, most feminine, teeny tiny voice on a 6'6" man. And I was like, there it is. And so we go, we sit at this place. I've never felt so much like I was pulling teeth. Remember at one point, we were talking about candles? I was like, I'm on a date talking about my favorite candle. Something has gone wrong here. He was telling me how he broke up with this girl. They had a pumpkin carving contest. I was like, this is insane. I actually went to the bathroom in the Standard in the East Village and took like a sexy selfie in the mirror for myself. Like, that's what the point that I was at, that I needed to feel myself because I was on this terrible date. And we had one drink and I insisted on splitting the bill

• 15:19Speaker 01

  just to let him know that he was in the friend zone and we never spoke.

• 15:22Jay Shetty?

  That was it, it was just his voice.

• 15:24Speaker 01

  His whole energy.

• 15:25Jay Shetty?

  Oh, right.

• 15:25Speaker 01

  It really, you know, I, I don't know that I could have got past that voice, but I can get past a not great voice, but the energy was completely off. Like I was, it was not, it was not it. And that's kind of, you know, we can talk today about whatever you want, but like when people always ask us about app dating versus meeting people in the wild. And that's one of the reasons it doesn't work because you don't have a vibe for a person. You haven't seen how they interact in the world, how they walk, how they talk. If you're attracted to the way they smell or their posture, you know, little things like that, you don't know through photos on an app. So that was a prime example.

• 15:59Speaker 02

  Yeah. We really support online dating and not everybody has the option to be out all the time like we do. And Ashley's in comedy clubs. She's a comedian, you know, not everybody has the option to do that, but we really encourage people to push themselves to be out into the world as much as they can and make eye contact with somebody at a bar that you think is cute. Ask questions, say yes to everything. If, if you're the kind of person that's like, I'm single, I don't want to be, then put yourself in situations to meet people. And I've had really good luck just meeting people in the wild. Everybody I've ever dated has been somebody I've met in the wild. I've gone on like two dating, dating app dates in my life. It's just not for me. I get fatigued shopping for people. People are like, how was your day? And I'm like, oh, I don't care about this. Um, so I just encourage people to like, just get out more, even if that means like typically you work inside your home all day long. Go work at a coffee shop. I worked

• 16:43Speaker 02

  at Intell, Intelligentsia Coffee on Sunday morning and I like met so many people. And it's just, it's not easy for everybody and you put yourself out there. But if, if your pain point is I'm single and I don't want to be, then you have to put yourself in situations to not be.

• 16:55Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I haven't, so I haven't dated for, and I don't need to obviously, marriage is just.

• 17:02Speaker 01

  I haven't dated and I don't, you're like, I'm taking a break right now. You're like, I'm taking a break right now from dating.

• 17:08Jay Shetty?

  No, that's why I was just clarifying. I haven't dated for 14 years.

• 17:12Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 17:12Jay Shetty?

  Uh, because I was a monk for three years and then got married to my wife. Well, no, sorry. I started dating my wife 10 years ago. Oh, okay. So I dated, I dated 10 years ago, 10 years ago. But apps weren't a thing when I started dating. So we met, we met through my sister who happened to be our wing person. She's like really close friends with my wife now. And she was friends with her before and she's one of my best friends too. So she did the work. But I, I always wonder like, The closest experience I've had to it is trying to recruit during the pandemic. So when I was hiring people and doing interviews over Zoom or interviews over the phone, I was just like, wow, I'm getting no energy from this person. Like, I'm not understanding. It's impossible to tell. Someone could have the best energy, but through Zoom, you could never tell. And so that's the closest I can relate to that. But I'm intrigued by what you're saying because you're saying go to places.

• 17:56Jay Shetty?

  How, everyone has that one friend who's always trying to set them up. Do you have that one friend, both of you?

• 18:02Speaker 02

  I feel like all of our friends, if they knew like an awesome guy, they would date that person. But we do ask our friends, we've talked about this a lot on the podcast, like telling your friends, I would like to be set up and like letting them know, I'd like you to think of me for this. Because not everybody thinks that you want that. And some people think it might be insulting to suggest that.

• 18:21Speaker 01

  Well, we did a whole episode on it because it's such an art form to setting people up. And what we hate the most is like, you're single, they're single, you guys should be together. It's an insult. It's like, what does that even mean? Like, just two people existing in the world, they're gonna match? So I think that it's nice when you have friends that actually think about who you are as a person, who they have that might be a fit. But I don't know, you know, it's funny because I love that your sister set you and your wife up. My brother did kind of set me up with somebody and we went on a few dates and it was great while it was. And we're still fine, but it was, had it worked out, I would have loved that story. That someone that's so close to me set me up with his, essentially his best friend's brother-in-law. You know, it was that kind of thing. He knew where I was from, we knew the same people.

• 19:04Speaker 01

  So when people like that are really close to you and really get you, those, I think those are the best type of people to set you up. But like Rayna said, I mean, there's also people that have no idea that you're looking or you'd be into it. So I don't think there's anything wrong with telling everybody you know that I'm wanting to be set up. If you know anybody, why not make, you know, shoot your shot?

• 19:28Jay Shetty?

  Should we throw it out right now on the show?

• 19:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:30Jay Shetty?

  Anyone's watching, what should we tell them?

• 19:31Speaker 02

  I'm trying to date Dave Batista.

• 19:33Jay Shetty?

  Okay, okay. Dave, if you listen to the show.

• 19:36Speaker 02

  He might.

• 19:37Jay Shetty?

  I don't know, he might. Who knows? If anyone knows Dave.

• 19:39Speaker 02

  Okay, can I go?

• 19:41Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 19:43Jay Shetty?

  So this is what I want you to do. What do you want? Who is it? What do you want? What are you looking for? And then what are you bringing to the game?

• 19:49Speaker 02

  I'm gonna manifest Dave Batista. I like a big guy that's bald with a beard.

• 19:54Speaker 01

  Can we talk about the origin story? Basically, Rayna started hooking up with the security guards at our shows and that became her type.

• 20:00Speaker 02

  One security guard, okay? And he's really big.

• 20:02Jay Shetty?

  At your own shows?

• 20:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, if they can protect the stage, you know, I'm gonna pay them back. And so I like guys with tattoo sleeves, something that can make me laugh. We always talk about like ranking what you want in a person. Looks are my number one. No, I'm just kidding. Somebody.

• 20:18Jay Shetty?

  I was nodding along. I was like, oh, cool.

• 20:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, totally. Yeah, bald, okay. I think my number one is somebody that I'm just inspired by the way you live your life. So whatever that is, I want to be excited to hear about your day. I want to be like, that is dope what you have going on. So whatever that is, that's my number one thing, I think. And I want to like laugh. I want to be, I want to be inspired by the people you surround yourself with, what you do all day long so that. But if you're bald with a beard and tattoo sleeves, also if you're.

• 20:43Jay Shetty?

  And your name's Dave?

• 20:44Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah. That's what.

• 20:46Speaker 01

  Miles Teller, if you're listening.

• 20:48Jay Shetty?

  Okay, okay. We've got a few Miles Teller fans in the office, too.

• 20:51Speaker 01

  I love a Philly guy. Yeah, go Birds. I mean, I want somebody that the same things. I always say I want to look up to someone in some way. Again, like, I don't need to be inspired every day, but I want to be able to learn something from you and be challenged and entertained. Because I really have such a full life, so I need someone to enhance some of life that's already very fulfilling. And someone that lets me be me. You know, we do this. I do stand up comedy. We're really successful. It can be intimidating, I guess, but I just don't ever want to feel like I need to minimize myself or be a lesser version of myself or tone down my personality or not share my successes with somebody. So that's kind of what I'm looking for.

• 21:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:32Speaker 01

  Miles is like.

• 21:34Jay Shetty?

  Miles, are you there?

• 21:35Speaker 01

  Also, if you like were in Top Gun or whatever, I don't know.

• 21:38Speaker 02

  You're trying to date Tom? Ashley said this thing really early on in the podcast, I think you said it, I didn't say it. That, you know, you want to find somebody that feels like home. And that's like really what I want is somebody that's just like, I'm so comfortable with you. You just, being with you, I can just exactly be myself. And like you said, I don't have to like shrink myself, make myself smaller. I'm humble, but I want to be able to height myself.

• 22:00Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 22:01Speaker 02

  And how hard I work. I don't come from anything. I don't come from money. So everything that Ashley and I have, we've built ourselves. So I want to be able to height myself and I want to come home and feel like comfort that you're there. I want you to be my first call. I want to, I can like lean on you. I have a large list, but you know what?

• 22:15Speaker 01

  I know.

• 22:15Jay Shetty?

  It's good.

• 22:16Speaker 01

  Should I get my list out? I have it on my phone. Also, like, I'm into my motorcycle tattoos, all the things. Those are surface level.

• 22:21Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 22:21Speaker 01

  But I also expect that I will bring a lot to the table. I think that, you know, sometimes you hear people being like, I want this and this and this. And it's like, okay, but do you bring a lot to the table also?

• 22:30Jay Shetty?

  That's what I was about to ask you. Yeah.

• 22:31Speaker 01

  Um, and so I think I, I think I do. And I think that I'm like a really caring, loving person. I'm fun. Ashley and I have so many friends. Like, oh my God, you so many friends. And, uh, yeah, I think your life would be good.

• 22:42Jay Shetty?

  What do you bring to the table?

• 22:43Speaker 01

  Uh, what don't I bring to the table? Honestly. No, I mean, I think, you know, I want some, I don't want children and I, marriage, I could take it or leave it, especially because I don't want children. I think that's what is a big, you know, not everybody's reason, but a reason why I think people should get married if they want to, you know? So I want someone that just wants to live a fun life that's not too dependent on me. We can support each other. There's no like codependency or fixer upper type of situation. Like, I want someone that's kind of already fully formed, that's living their own independent life, that we can come together and live that life together. So I have an awesome life. I think that it's really fun to talk to us, to be around us,

• 23:28Speaker 01

  to come see us perform if you want to, to travel the world, to do all these things. I am also a caring, nurturing person. Um, you know, I'm a good listener. I can make you laugh. I have a great family. People really just want to be around me for my family, quite honestly. That's a big part of it.

• 23:43Speaker 02

  It's a huge selling point.

• 23:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a huge, huge selling point. I have a new nephew named Jay, so that's my favorite name. Um, just so you know. But yeah, I, I, I think I bring a lot to the table. I think I would be a really great partner. And I think that I have gotten to a point where I am a much better partner than I would have been five years ago, even, I mean, 10 years ago, of course, but just even what we've been able to learn in the podcast and about ourselves and how to be a good partner and the things that you look back on, again, five, 10 years ago, three years ago, last year, and you were like, that's not the sign of a healthy relationship, or that's not how to be a supportive partner.

• 24:20Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 24:20Speaker 01

  I'm, this is when you're Feeling competitive with your partner, you're not on the same team, there's contempt, there's jealousy, all these different things. And so I feel as though I'm in such a great place to be a much better partner than I have been in the past. And that is something that I want this year. And we talked about on our episode, the first episode of the year and what our goals are. And that's really what I'm manifesting. And I haven't really said that before. It's been very like last year, it was like, I want to have more sex, actually. And then I actually did like before that, it was like, I just don't feel like I have room right now in my life for somebody. Everything feels pretty full. It's like at capacity and I don't really want to be bothered. And so I do feel like I'm at a place that

• 25:01Speaker 01

  even though we are super busy, and I do feel quote unquote, full, I can make the space for somebody.

• 25:07Jay Shetty?

  I love that. I love, I love how self aware those answers are. And it's, it's beautiful to have that, right? I think so often we ask someone in our lives like, oh, well, what are you bringing to the table? And, and it's kind of a hard question to answer for a lot of people that people struggle with that because it's not what we've been trained to believe. Like, we've been trained to believe you should know what you want in someone, but not what you bring. And so I love hearing about your answers. And I hope that we've just manifested what you both want here on this show right now. So if Miles or Dave ever call.

• 25:35Speaker 01

  Probably not going to be Miles.

• 25:37Jay Shetty?

  I want the story.

• 25:37Speaker 01

  He's married.

• 25:38Speaker 02

  He is?

• 25:39Speaker 01

  Who are really hot.

• 25:40Jay Shetty?

  Oh, is he?

• 25:41Speaker 01

  Not that you're not also really hot, but she is unbelievable.

• 25:44Speaker 02

  Oh, he's married?

• 25:44Jay Shetty?

  Oh, sorry, Miles. I had no idea.

• 25:46Speaker 02

  Should I pick somebody else?

• 25:48Jay Shetty?

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• 26:28Jay Shetty?

  credit at indeed.com/podcast. That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision making, and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state.

• 27:14Jay Shetty?

  Question, because I think today we're living at a time where everyone's having varying degrees of success in their own way. You're seeing more people experience fame. You're seeing more people experience success. You're seeing more people experience financial stability. You just have a lot more people having a lot more variety of experiences in this way. Have you found it harder to date as you become more successful?

• 27:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:35Jay Shetty?

  And what? And yeah, exactly. And so I want to know, what are the kind of troubles you've been having this time around? And is there a part of you that's like, ah, I let one go away earlier and I shouldn't have?

• 27:46Speaker 02

  I mean, I feel like a lot of people say to us, are men intimidated by my success, by the money I make? And to those people, I say, what's the alternative? You know, you're going to be less successful because maybe you'll get a partner. You're going to make less money because perhaps somebody will end up with you. That's not the answer to this. Yes, of course, as a woman, it's the inverse. Like, men make more money, they become more successful. Everybody wants you. Women, your dating opportunities do not grow in tandem the way a man's probably would.

• 28:14Jay Shetty?

  Right, so it's more that way. It's more the fact that it's intimidating as opposed to people wanting to take advantage or use your network and connect.

• 28:20Speaker 02

  I think that your dating pool just shrinks, you know? And you don't want to put yourself in situations where you're competitive with your partner in a negative way, where your success emasculates somebody. You're constantly thinking, is my success emasculating this person? But I just, I think your pool gets smaller for sure, but that doesn't mean I would ever stop what I'm doing. You know, what's the alternative?

• 28:42Speaker 02

  And I have to be conscious about how I speak about my life, how I speak about money we make, success we have, but I'm not going to pretend it doesn't exist either. I just have to be mindful, to be humble.

• 28:52Jay Shetty?

  And have you seen people be turned off if they don't know who you are and then you're on a date and then they figure it out or?

• 28:56Speaker 02

  Not turned off. Somebody asked us the other day if like we would talk about what we do on a first date and I would say the name of the podcast. I wouldn't be like, it's one of the number one dating and relationship podcasts in the United States. I wouldn't lead with that, but not turned off. People are usually excited.

• 29:08Speaker 01

  Or maybe they're turned off and that's why it doesn't work out. They just don't say it to your face. Maybe.

• 29:12Speaker 02

  Yeah. I mean, some, I mean, some, one person one time said to me, you're, you're too public for me. I would never date somebody like you. And it really hurt. I remember leaving the date and like crying on the street. It like really hurt my feelings. But that's okay. That's not my person. And that's fine. And you know, listen, we all bring baggage into a relationship. That's my baggage.

• 29:29Speaker 01

  I think that, you know, we love this special from Ali Wong where she talks about specifically women in comedy, like the way you're a woman on stage, you're talking about sex, like your dating pool is shrinking. A man on stage with a microphone, his dating pool is growing as he speaks, you know? So it's really the inverse. And that special spoke to me like nothing else in my life and as a female comedian. But I also just think part of it's the bar gets higher when your life gets more dope. You know, it's like, you gotta bring more. You know, we have this friend of her, this friend of ours, she's so funny, Marie Fawcett, she's a comedian and she did this just random reel or TikTok one time. She was like, if I'm single at 40, the bar is so much higher. Cause at this point I've been with myself.

• 30:12Speaker 01

  And so I'm happy in my life where it is now. And that may not speak to everybody, but it does feel like Rayna and I have achieved our true dream life. We feel as though we have such a purpose and we're able to help people every day and the emails we get are such an honor and we get to tour the world and make people laugh. And it's so good as it is. So it would really be someone that is going to enhance any of that to fit in our life. And I don't say that in like, we're so picky, the bar is so high, but it just is more.

• 30:44Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that's coming across.

• 30:45Speaker 01

  So those two things together. And yeah, I mean, and it's just, you know, the way of the world. It's just you're a woman. You're like, you're, you get older and just as sad as it is, your dating pool shrinks in that way, too. You know?

• 30:58Speaker 02

  Yeah. Um, I think that being in love is the best feeling in the world and I, I, I miss it and I, I love being in love. But also, one of the best feelings in the world is like any email that somebody sends to us that says like, you helped me to make my life better. You helped me to do anything, ask for a raise, leave an abusive relationship, strengthen a relationship I didn't want to lose, talk to my mother in a better like, I get choked up when I think about the things people have said to us, like, your voices have filled my homes with sound. Um, when like my pet died, I get like so emotional. Like, I know that we have changed people's lives. You've touched people in such a deep way. I can't imagine anything feeling better than that. So in the interim, while I'm single, while I don't have anybody, you just have to make your life good. So maybe you don't have a giant podcast, you can reach all these people, but like,

• 31:39Speaker 02

  you can go make friends, go find hobbies, go find other ways to give your life meaning and joy. And that's what you do when you're single. And then when you find somebody, like how dope is it that you're like a great person now?

• 31:49Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 31:50Speaker 02

  You know?

• 31:50Jay Shetty?

  No, I love that. It's coming across very strong. I don't think, um, listening to both of you, I just, the reason why I've been going down this question trail is because I'm hoping that everyone who's listening and watching is going, oh yeah, that's, I can aspire for that, right? Like, that's the point. Like, everyone can aspire for that, to, to feel whole, to feel complete, to feel like their life's so awesome that someone's got to bring some value to really get in on it. Like, what a great place to be. Like, that's, that's the biggest achievement of all, right? Like, regardless of all the other success that you've had, which, which is phenomenal in and of itself, I think it's amazing to think that you're sitting here expressing confidence at a level that you don't always experience, even from people who've made it. Right? So that's, I, it's amazing, honestly. I'm, I'm telling you that, like, sitting opposite you right now, I'm like,

• 32:33Jay Shetty?

  wow, it's, it's incredible to feel, yeah, my life's dope. My life's amazing and, and someone's going to add value to it. What are some of the mistakes that you think people make early on, uh, while they're dating someone, especially when it comes to that self-worth, self-esteem piece? Because I think you're coming at it from this, we've been working on ourselves, but often we find it's the opposite, where people dive into relationships when they're lonely, when they want to be dependent on someone, when they feel that they're inadequate, that's why they're alone. So what are some of the mistakes you've seen people make early on?

• 33:04Speaker 01

  Just not working on the fear of being alone and loneliness. I guess those can be two different things. So you enter into a relationship with such a desperate need to have someone fill a gap, or make you feel worthy, or make you feel value. And so, those are big things. You know, those just require a lot of work, but they trickle down and did the way that you act, and the way that you feel so desperate if you don't get that text back, or that someone doesn't like you. And, you know, one of the things that I can't stop thinking about that I was listening to you with a recent guest that you had on, Humble the Poet, and I'm sure you've talked about this before, is going into situations, I think men do this a little bit more than women, but I think women do it too, just

• 33:46Speaker 01

  wanting them to like you, and not even thinking about if you like them, or if they would be a good match for you. So you've come down this road of like, you've tried so hard to to feel wanted, to feel desired, and not rejected, that you haven't even stopped to think if the person would be a good partner, or if you even like them.

• 34:05Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 34:06Speaker 01

  You know, so.

• 34:07Jay Shetty?

  And how do you avoid that? When someone's telling you stuff like, "Oh, my God, you're beautiful. Like, you're so smart. You're so intelligent." Like, how do you avoid kind of enjoying that? Even what we were talking about earlier, like, when you were saying, like, you want to be in a place where you feel like home, and I love that definition of like, a home love, or, you know, it's, I think that's a feeling everyone wants, but it's hard, because when we walk into a dating scenario, most of the time, we're trying to impress each other. We dress our best, we look our best. Like, that's not really comfortable, because, you know, that, in the sense of you don't look like that all the time, or you wouldn't set yourself up like that all the time. So, how do you even, A, how do you deal with someone who is actually validating you, and it feels good? And inversely, the other side, like, how do you make sure that you are actually finding out whether you're comfortable with someone at what stage?

• 34:52Speaker 01

  So, I, I think that we should be allowed to enjoy things, right? Like, you don't have to go into every date being like, "Oh, they love bombing me. Is this too much? Is this not enough? What was the exact amount of time they spent before they texted me?" And, but, you know, I think we are allowed to just enjoy things sometimes, and take, take it one date at a time, one, one moment at a time. Um, I think that in order to sidestep putting so many eggs in this basket, essentially, and making this so important.

• 35:17Speaker 02

  We do, we should do what I was saying before, which is build out a life around yourself. So you have friends, you have hobbies, you like what you do for work so that this one person isn't so, you don't depend on them so much to be your whole world. It's not so, this date's not so important, you know? Every date should just be fun and you should enjoy yourself and hopefully you have other stuff to fall back on, you have other plans this weekend, other things you can sink your teeth into. And it just doesn't mean so much, you know? Like every single thing is not riding on this date. And I think that we should be cautiously optimistic, but also not so hard on ourselves when somebody lies to us or manipulates us, because you shouldn't spend every interaction going, where's all the holes in this? You know, we should just be able to be calm and enjoy it.

• 35:59Speaker 02

  And we shouldn't assume every person is gonna lie to us, manipulate us, ghost us, cheat on us, all these things. And if they do, that's just the kind of person they are. And isn't it, isn't it nice that they went away and you know that now sooner, you know?

• 36:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, if someone's gonna ghost you, why would you want someone like that in your life that can do that to somebody? But I had a friend that said to me once, like, this may not look like what you thought it was gonna look like, because we have these unrealistic views of dating and relationships in the first place. And that feeling, you've talked about the spark, we've talked about the spark, we've had guests on, but the spark, the butterflies, all that stuff is actually just anxiety. And so I think that an unhealthy amount of nerves, of course, I mean, I am like the, I rarely ever get nervous about anything and I'll be nervous before a first date. So it's not that, but it's that feeling that actually is just anxiety. When the feeling of someone that is probably a good partner for you, that's like a solid, secure person, is really comfortable and like kinda boring in your body.

• 36:56Speaker 01

  Like I would just always say, you just need to listen to your body. I think we always know if we're willing to listen of like the way someone makes you feel when you're in their presence. And then when you leave their presence, like I always tap, I always really want to hone in on how I feel when I part ways with somebody. Do I feel this like sense of anxiety, like what am I gonna hear from the next? Or is this like calm, like, I'm sure, I absolutely will, we're gonna go out again. And then I guess if we don't, then it's fine.

• 37:21Jay Shetty?

  Wow, that's great. I love that.

• 37:22Speaker 01

  It's like the, when you say goodbye, what is the immediate feeling? Is it like anxiety or is it like? Chill.

• 37:29Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 37:29Speaker 01

  You know?

• 37:30Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. Well, and your friends that are in happy, healthy relationships around you, like, what are some of the things that you've seen in theirs that you're like, oh, that's, that's really special. That's great. Like, what are some of the good signs?

• 37:40Speaker 01

  No, I just, I mean, I, when they have fun together, I really just, I, we have the, our, I'm thinking of the couple that they're big fans of yours also, and Sean and Anushka, and just.

• 37:51Jay Shetty?

  And Sean and Anushka.

• 37:52Speaker 01

  But, yeah, oh my god, they're gonna be so excited.

• 37:54Jay Shetty?

  No, that's so sweet.

• 37:55Speaker 01

  They work really well together. They're a team. They do all the things. They have great communication, yada, yada. But they just seem like buddies. Like, they just really have fun together. And I think that's also the main thing of Ray and I's relationship.

• 38:08Speaker 01

  It's like, um, and you're just, you're on the same team. Like, we talked about this on our upcoming episode, is that you don't feel like, I literally picture it, like, whatever sport you're into, where are you playing against each other? Or are you on the same team with a common goal?

• 38:22Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm. Yeah, I rarely see somebody break up that I'm like, what? You know, like, I think about my brother and his wife, and they've been together for like 12 years. They're just, they're friends. They really enjoy each other. They are really fun to be around. They're always joking around. They're really like loving, the same couple that you're talking about, same thing. Um, another one of, um, like Ashley's other best friend, um, and her husband, they're just, they're nice. You see a friendship and a respect between them. My best friend just got engaged, and I, he, her fiance really has her on this like great pedestal. He really looks up to her. He thinks that she is just so wonderful, and she thinks he's so wonderful. And I listen to how couples speak about each other a lot, when they're not around the other person also. And, um, are you proud of your partner? Are you excited to do the stuff that they, that they want to do? So,

• 39:05Speaker 02

  um, we, I think, are fortunate to have a lot of really good examples around us of positive relationships. And, um, I always encourage people when you're like, you know, is, what's going on with me normal to, to look at people whose relationships you admire and say like, what is, what do I emulate from that? You know? And it's important to surround yourself with people that have good relationships with everybody, not just their romantic partner, but friends and family as well.

• 39:26Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I like, I like that nuance. Like, like, that's a really subtle idea of how people talk about each other, when, when the other person's not around, and when the person is around too.

• 39:35Speaker 02

  Right, right.

• 39:36Jay Shetty?

  Both of that. When, if you, if you saw me and my wife together, you'd think we hate each other.

• 39:41Jay Shetty?

  Because we banter so much because it's such a, I feel at least it's a very British thing because me and my friends do this too, like we will lay into each other and the more you can lay into each other, the more in love you are. And so I do it with my guy friends, I do it with my wife, like, and my wife started, by the way, it was not my idea, so it's not something I came up with, but

• 39:58Speaker 02

  She sets the tone.

• 39:58Jay Shetty?

  Literally, she sets the tone. If she's around me, she'll find a way to pick some flaw out in the most hilarious way.

• 40:04Speaker 02

  Right, a funny way.

• 40:05Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 40:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:06Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, passive aggression.

• 40:06Speaker 02

  You can tell the difference between healthy banter and roasting, and I love that too, and nagging, and actually trying to make someone look bad publicly.

• 40:15Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah, and passive aggression.

• 40:17Speaker 02

  Oh god, it's so cringe to be around those couples. Oh, yes.

• 40:22Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, when they're talking to each other in the third person as well, yeah.

• 40:26Speaker 02

  Oh my god, and they bring up their therapist. I'm like, how fast can I exit this room?

• 40:30Jay Shetty?

  What's your take on friends becoming lovers and lovers staying friends after they break up? So both way around.

• 40:37Speaker 02

  Um, we get asked a lot, can like, can your friend turn into your lover? Um, and can your lover go back to be your friend?

• 40:45Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 40:46Speaker 02

  Um, I don't know which one I want to take first. I mean, I feel like, can you, can you, can you be lovers and then friends? I guess it depends on how the relationship ended. I guess it depends how much time goes by, what happened. One of my best friends in the world, him and I slept together for like maybe six weeks when we first met. And ending it was really painful for me because he basically was like, he was like, I don't want this. He was like, I don't want to date anybody. It feels like this is where it's heading. I'm just telling you right now, you're not going to like what happens. I don't, I don't want to be in a relationship with you. And it hurt a lot in the moment, but the honesty and sticking to that is actually what has allowed me to be, stay friends with him because he didn't disrespect me. He looked at me in the face and he said, I don't want to be in a relationship. And then it was probably a little weird and painful for like six months. It hurt to see him with another girl. It was

• 41:30Speaker 02

  really, I didn't really want to hear about it. If he was dating somebody, it hurt. But with enough time, I was like, this is still like, I find value in this. I really like this person. And he really, truly is like one of those important people in my life. He took our podcast photos when we first started. He was just, he is such like an acts of service, love language person. He's so wonderful. So with enough time, if you really want, and if you feel, I think, respectful. In the ending of it, I think you can be, but it depends on what happens in the relationship. If I'm dating somebody and they say to me, yeah, my ex and I are best friends. I don't know that I love it. It depends on the circumstances.

• 42:01Speaker 01

  I know. It's one of these things of there are no hard and fast rules. And we don't really trust people that say that there are. You can't be friends with an ex. You can never date your friend. Shut up. But yes, you can.

• 42:11Speaker 01

  So I think it's all a case by case basis, but I think of friends that end up in a relationship could be really beautiful. I think it can totally work. I think it's again, not a hot take. It goes without saying that you could ruin the friendship, but you'd be willing to take the risk. I'm thinking of Love is Blind, the deep tea and.

• 42:32Speaker 02

  Oh, deep tea and Kyle.

• 42:33Speaker 01

  Kyle, that was so upsetting. We love that show, but that I think kind of like, you know, the friendship can, can really get ruined. But it can really be really beautiful too. My, my thing with that, I always think you should think about what it would actually look like if you dated this person. Because I have a guy friend that, and this was not at any time recent. But where we connected so much, if we were in the room, you could feel it. It was palpable. It was just like, how could they not date? You know, like everybody saw it. Everybody could feel it. And the chemistry and we just felt like a perfect match. But, and like I knew that too, and I found him super attractive, but I couldn't picture dating him. I couldn't picture being like at home with him or something, you know?

• 43:13Speaker 01

  Probably vice versa. And I took a realistic look at it because you get to that place where you're like, should we try? And maybe or maybe not. And I think it's really, you have to be realistic with yourself of like, can I actually see them as a romantic partner? And then staying friends with an ex, that is really also can totally work or not. And it's so much about the feelings that each person has. I have an ex that I wish I could be friends with. I could absolutely be friends with him. I think he's the best person. I think he's so funny. But I don't think he could. And I have set a lot of boundaries with him because I just don't think it would be healthy for him without saying much more. So it's like, I absolutely could. We could text, we could be buddies, you know, have him on the podcast, but like,

• 43:58Speaker 01

  I don't think it would be healthy for him, knowing what I know a lot about the way our relationship ended in his past and things like that. And I think it's so fun to be friends with somebody that you casually dated, like a guy that I casually dated for, you know, a month, two months, right before the pandemic. We text all the time. He has a girlfriend. Sure, she doesn't care. I don't know if he told her or not, but like, we joke around and I'll be, you know, it's, it's like a funny relationship. I find those relationships, like, just kind of weirdly special. I like those.

• 44:24Jay Shetty?

  I want to try something. We've never done this before. So, Rayna, imagine if you were breaking up with Ashley. I want you to try to do the best script of what you'd like to hear if someone was breaking up with you. So, so you're going to be the person who's breaking up. Ashley's going to be the person who's being broken up with.

• 44:40Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 44:40Jay Shetty?

  And I want you to deliver what you'd like to hear if someone's breaking up with you. So you've been kind of dating for like three to six months.

• 44:48Speaker 01

  Three to six months. So what I want to hear?

• 44:51Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 44:51Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. I did my last break.

• 44:54Jay Shetty?

  And Ashley, you respond how you'd respond.

• 44:55Speaker 01

  Okay. I have to break up with you? Oh, my gosh. There goes my bank account. Oh, my God.

• 45:02Jay Shetty?

  Not, not, not as you guys, as if you're dating. Yeah, not, not as you.

• 45:06Speaker 01

  I feel like this relationship has run its course. And I feel like you already messed up because you need to start with your so. This is so you that I've already messed up. I have one sentence into this stuff. We already know. You break up with me. I'll break up with myself. You need to start it because you're the funniest, coolest, hottest girl I've ever met. I'm breaking up with me. Compliments first.

• 45:32Jay Shetty?

  You want to hear compliments before someone says our relationship's broken?

• 45:35Speaker 01

  Just like, if you just start it and say, I'm like, funny and hot, like, it'll be better. It's gonna, like, it's just better. It'll lessen the blow. I don't care. If you were funnier and hotter, I would be breaking up with you.

• 45:47Speaker 02

  That's all I've heard. And I'm just like, that's sounds chill, you know?

• 45:51Jay Shetty?

  That's relatable. Yeah.

• 45:52Speaker 02

  I don't know. The last breakup I did, I tried to keep it like as vague as possible. I said, like, I think this relationship was run its course. I think we want different things in life. I want to be successful and you don't know.

• 46:03Speaker 02

  No, I just, I said, I think we want different things in life. I think we expect different things out of life. And I said, I, I still love you and care about you. Think you're a wonderful person. You're all the things. You're smart and funny. And but I just, I think this is run its course. I, I've used that line before on like a couple of breakups. I recycle that line. But there's a couple of things in breakups. I don't want somebody to walk away being completely confused. Ashlyn and I talked about that in my last breakup because I was like, what if I said this? And she was like, you don't want to like, have him walk away thinking he did something he didn't. And I agree with that. But I also don't need to like, burn it to the ground and be like, this is wrong, and this is wrong, and this is wrong. You know, like, I also don't need to make you feel terrible. Sometimes like some vagueness is okay.

• 46:42Speaker 01

  Well, that's the thing that we say when people are begging for closure. It's like, do you want to hear the really bad stuff? You know, and I think that's one of the best things that we've learned throughout the years, doing what we do is sometimes it's just that you're not it, you know, you're not the one. And it can boil down to some things you may not want to hear. And I think it's good to reflect on yourself, too. Like, how many times have you been with somebody that just wasn't the person and you couldn't necessarily put your finger on it? And then if you did, it would come across sounding pretty harsh. So I think it's always good to put yourself on the other side of it, too. Like, I'm not so undesirable. I have dated people that were great, and then we had to end it, too. So I, I mean, I would hate to be broken up with and totally heartbroken with somebody that I loved and that I saw a future with.

• 47:30Speaker 01

  But I know that I would be okay. And I can't be, knowing what I know now, I would just have to take it pretty easily because sometimes it just doesn't work out. So that's kind of the thing, too, when people are just, they're so obsessed with that closure conversation.

• 47:45Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 47:46Speaker 01

  And I do think you should have closure, but to what extent?

• 47:48Jay Shetty?

  Well, some people want to have a third breakup conversation, a fourth breakup conversation, right? Like, you've, you've had the breakup conversation, but they want to keep understanding. And sometimes we're that person, or sometimes that person's doing it to us. And you're saying, actually, you're not going to achieve much from that extension of conversation. This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. Home should be a place that feels like a sanctuary, a space that truly reflects who you are. But it can be challenging to balance style, budget and endless options. I was looking to create a dedicated calm space for my morning meditation and reading, but I was struggling to find pieces that felt grounding but could also stand up to daily use. I went on Wayfair and found a beautiful, solid wood accent chair and a bookshelf. Now that corner is my favorite place to anchor my day.

• 48:32Jay Shetty?

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• 49:15Jay Shetty?

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• 49:41Speaker 02

  Depends who you are and, you know, why it ended. It's just, I don't know that I need to like give you a declaration of hate. You know, like, it's just, I don't see myself marrying you. I don't need to tell you like I don't respect the way you live your life. I think it's fine to break up, take some time to marinate and then really want that like closure conversation six months later or something. Cause you really can be a little more honest, tensions are lower. But I'm not going to keep unpacking the breakup. I think sometimes my, so my, I was engaged to somebody. We broke up and we didn't really have any other conflict. We broke up the day after my engagement party and we never spoke again for three and a half years. And Three and a half years later, Ashley and I had started the podcast. Oh my god. About two months after we started the podcast. Stressful night.

• 50:22Speaker 02

  Through a series of things that happened, I ended up talking to him and he asked me to go out to dinner. And we had this like six hour long, all night closure conversation. And he said, you know, I've thought about you every day for four years and I've never really gotten over this. And I hate what I did to you and I'm so sorry. It was a nice moment. It was a nice moment to have it, but I, you know, I appreciate it. It helped me to walk away from some anger and some things I really was still hang on to, but I didn't need it. It was nice to have it. Sometimes that feels really good, but I, you have to learn to like go to therapy and read books and listen to podcasts. And thankfully today, there is so much out there like your show, like our show, that people can listen to and hopefully find some peace.

• 51:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't know.

• 51:02Speaker 01

  So the dream is that you're consistently doing relationship check-ins if you need them and you know where you stand and where they stand. And so like you're a woman, for example, and you just get blindsided, broke up with out of the blue. And he's like, you did, you do this, you do that. And you're like, why didn't you tell me when those things were happening? Because feedback is important, you know, again, I don't think you should beat down someone's door for this closure and tell me everything that's wrong with me. But like, it is nice to know. So perhaps you can be better in the next relationship if it's something that was actually valid.

• 51:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:35Speaker 01

  So I just think there is a happy medium, unhappy medium, I guess would be the better word. But again, it's sometimes it just boils down to this, isn't it? And I think you're a lovely person and all the best.

• 51:49Speaker 02

  All the best.

• 51:50Speaker 01

  All the best.

• 51:51Speaker 02

  You're doing it wrong.

• 51:52Jay Shetty?

  Best wishes, yeah.

• 51:52Speaker 02

  Do you think that people, do you think being blindsided is a real thing? Sometimes when people, I'll qualify this, when people say like, he blindsided me and I'm like, this person just woke up, walked in a room and said goodbye? Like, I don't know. And I'm sure that does happen, but do you think it happens as often as people say that it does?

• 52:07Jay Shetty?

  That's a great question. I mean, I'd love to look at the research behind it, but from what I've experienced, I definitely can say that. I think people are blindsided to the degree that. People might not be saying much before they do something like that.

• 52:21Speaker 01

  Right.

• 52:21Jay Shetty?

  But I'd say that if you were, and I don't mean, same as you, I don't mean like interrogating and investigating and having a private investigator involved or anything like that, but I think if you're reading the signs of like how close someone is, how distant someone is, like how engaged they are in conversation, like

• 52:37Speaker 01

  Right.

• 52:37Jay Shetty?

  how often you're actually connecting, like, I think you can tell, but I think often we think things are great because they look great in our heads. But we're not really looking at what, what am I actually feeling, what am I experiencing from this person? But I do think people do have that complete, I mean, I, I literally spoke to someone a couple of uh, months ago and it was like, they'd been married for 20 years and then their partner told them that they don't think they were right for each other anymore and that they felt that way for a long time.

• 53:03Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 53:03Jay Shetty?

  Now, that's insanely tough, right? Like, that's so difficult. And so, yeah, if I was with someone for 20 years, I would feel blindsided because 20 years is a long time. But often people are quiet. I do find that a lot of people are like silent or quiet or distant before a breakup. It's not like they're, they're telling you they love you right now and then tomorrow, well, maybe, actually. I take that back. That's happened to people too.

• 53:25Speaker 01

  Every once in a while you'll have a conversation and then it's, couldn't you believe it? We were perfect. And then you dig a little deeper and they're like, well, actually there was this one thing that happened in Miami and you're like, oh my God, that huge red flag.

• 53:36Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 53:37Speaker 01

  Why didn't you, couldn't, you couldn't feel that something was off then and what you said, you might just think it's perfect. Or you're just trying not to

• 53:44Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 53:44Speaker 01

  be, you're, you're trying to not be honest with yourself. Like you're trying not to see the signs, like wanting it to be so perfect that you don't pick up on those things.

• 53:53Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. What are some of the common red flags you think people miss? Like, what are the ones that you think people actually miss them completely? Like, this is a good example of one where you think you're blindsided, but you're not really because there are hidden messages there. What are some of those other ones that you think we just, like, just don't recognize?

• 54:10Speaker 01

  I mean, a lot of signs of narcissism. I think that the charming thing, you know, just I think you had Dr. Ramani on, maybe. Like, that word is always in my head of because it's such a positive compliment. And of course, it doesn't have to be bad, but the overly charming, you feel like a connection, like you're the only woman in the room when you're talking to him. It's like, I don't know, that might not be good. So.

• 54:34Jay Shetty?

  That's so hard, though, isn't it? Because that's what we all want to some degree, isn't it? Like, isn't that the feeling that we want to be made to feel that? Or no, you're saying we should never want to feel that, even with the person we love?

• 54:44Speaker 01

  It's hard.

• 54:45Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's hard, right?

• 54:46Speaker 01

  Because she described a narcissist and I was like, that sounds kind of nice.

• 54:50Speaker 01

  She was like, if they try to take you on a trip within 10 days of meeting you, I was like, that sounds great. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. It's just like, does everyone feel like that that they've met? So, yeah, it can be, it can be tough to decipher. I mean, I think just general bad behavior, like if someone doesn't do what they say they're gonna do, they don't show up, they bail on you, they just immediately, like someone does not show up, they don't respond to you, or whatever it is, and you don't pay attention. I think you can only blame yourself when that actually turns out to be the demise of a relationship.

• 55:27Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 55:27Speaker 01

  Because it was there at the beginning.

• 55:28Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, mine's going the other way. We used to text each other all the time, and now we've been married for seven years.

• 55:32Speaker 01

  You don't talk anymore?

• 55:33Jay Shetty?

  I have to message seven times to get a text back. No, my wife's the worst at texting. Literally, she's, she's the worst. Everyone always messages me going, Jay, I've sent brother this message like three days ago. Like, is she gonna get back to him? Like, yeah, three weeks. Like, it's cool. Just be like, because literally, yeah, she loves calls. She can pick up the phone anytime.

• 55:49Speaker 01

  I love calls.

• 55:50Jay Shetty?

  She's not a texter.

• 55:50Speaker 01

  I love it.

• 55:51Jay Shetty?

  Not a texter, ignores texts.

• 55:52Speaker 01

  I, we had a guest on and we talked about different texting styles, and I would say it was one of the most impactful episodes we did of 2022. It really helped reframe in my mind that not everybody is like me. You know, like, when I like somebody, I want to talk to them more. And it just really put into perspective that people have completely different communication styles, even when it comes to text. And I think it's helpful to remember. It doesn't mean someone doesn't like you, but. I mean, yes, days later, they haven't returned your text. I think that's a pretty clear sign that you're not top of mind and a priority, or it could even be purposeful, which is even worse.

• 56:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:21Jay Shetty?

  What are you trying to say?

• 56:21Speaker 01

  Like, they're trying to put you in your place.

• 56:23Speaker 02

  She doesn't want to be with you anymore.

• 56:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:24Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 56:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:25Speaker 02

  I really enjoy the very beginning stages. It's a lot of fun. I like finding somebody that like really is engaging, makes me laugh. And I, I don't pause to think that often, can this person be a good long-term partner? And I think there's a good balance. There's a hard balance to strike because I don't want to interview somebody to be my husband on the first or second date either, because that's not fair to another person. But I think what you can do at least is look at somebody's lifestyle and what they do just day to day for work, how they travel, do they have friends and say like, is this a lifestyle I could enjoy long-term? You know, if somebody went on a date with me and they were like, I, I really want somebody home seven nights a week. I want somebody that's gonna like have dinner with me seven nights a week. I, I don't want their career necessarily to be primary in their life. I want my career to be primary in our lives. You know, I'm probably not your girl.

• 57:09Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 57:09Speaker 02

  And that's not insulting.

• 57:10Jay Shetty?

  I wish people were that clear though, as well. Like, at least that would make it really clear for someone like you.

• 57:14Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, I wish everybody was more clear.

• 57:15Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 57:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, what a dream.

• 57:16Jay Shetty?

  Exactly. Yeah, that would just be a dream if someone said that. It makes so much sense.

• 57:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, it'd be amazing. I wish we could all just like interview perfectly on a first date. But I have leaned into situations because they feel good, because I find somebody that's really nice and I feel really connected with them on like an intimate level. I sometimes stop, don't stop to think like, what does this look like in six months? Can we live the same type of life? Am I gonna be proud of this person? Am I, do I like the kind of family they have, their friends? So I get caught up in the beginning stages because I said this on the podcast on our show recently, my mom didn't raise me to like find, find a husband, find somebody to pay your bills. My mom was like, you be the person that pays the bills and you be the person that's successful, which I love. And she's so empowering. But no one ever told me like, when you go on a first date, you should date because you want to date this person long-term. So those are some pitfalls for me. I sometimes don't

• 58:02Speaker 02

  pause to think, you know, what does this look like in a year?

• 58:05Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 58:05Speaker 02

  You know?

• 58:06Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. That's a great shout. Thank you for that. I want to dive into a couple of more personal things before we wrap up. Actually, you were saying that, you know, for you, you decided you didn't want to have children. How have you? Tackled explaining that to potential partners, to your own family, like how has the reaction been? Because I always feel like when we make things that like break a tradition or pattern, like it's like a big thing to say like, oh, I don't want to do this. And and it shouldn't be a big thing, but it is seen as a big thing, right? Like even even for us, like we've been together for seven years and in our community, it's like that's a long time to be together and not have kids yet. And so it's like even that, even even if if the conversation's still open. So I guess I'm interested in that because I think there are so many people who are listening and watching who are changing the way relationships look, who are changing the way love looks,

• 58:49Jay Shetty?

  who are changing the way what matters to them looks. And so I want to hear from you, like, how did you A come to that conclusion yourself, whatever you're comfortable sharing? And then how did you share that with the people in your life that matter?

• 59:01Speaker 01

  It's been, I've never just want, I've just never wanted children. We did a whole episode on this. It took me months to feel comfortable even doing it because I wanted to approach it very sensitively to women who are struggling to have children or that are struggling with the decision and I don't want to be flippant about it. Like, oh, it's no big deal. Like, I just don't want them and that's what it is, you know? Because I actually feel, I see so many women, especially as they get older into their thirties, forties, that like don't know, you know, I don't really have to think about it. And so I've always felt that way in my adult life. Maybe when I was a kid or in college, I was like, of course I'll get married and have kids, you just don't know any better. And then I slowly started to realize as I became to adulthood, something I don't want, I can't picture it on any level, any part of it. And my family, again, is just one of those, I'm lucky that they just support me and don't

• 59:46Speaker 01

  expect me to live a traditional life they never have. So glad that my brother has chosen to have children, I have a brand new baby nephew named Jay and more to come, hopefully. So they're gonna get their their grandkids, but I've never felt an ounce of pressure from them to do anything besides be myself. And luckily I have achieved success and I can show them them letting me fly was not for nothing. So that's never been an issue. I think I just am a confident person and I I'm steadfast in my decisions. No one ever really throws me shade or makes me feel uncomfortable about it. And maybe I just don't pay attention because I don't care. You know, like those little slights of like, well, you might change your mind. It's like, oh, my gosh, shut up. You know,

• 1:00:30Speaker 01

  when people put those things on you, that's because it's they're feeling some sort of way that you've chosen to make a decision that they haven't. So I don't let those things bother me. I just know it's a decision that's right for me. And I don't feel like it's a big deal, you know? So it's like, that just makes it me easier to flow through the world with this decision. But I feel for people that are struggling with it, whatever it may be. And those are just conversations that you have to open communication and conversations you have to have. We're so lucky to have so many different resources today with podcasts, internet books of how to even the language to use when it comes to this type of thing. You can sit and rehearse it if you need to. Potential partners, again, it's just something that I feel comfortable

• 1:01:14Speaker 01

  sharing. I wouldn't want to get down a road with somebody where I felt like things were getting serious and hadn't come up because I wouldn't even probably start to date somebody if I knew they really wanted a family. So that's been, it was like a fear of mine that I would find somebody that I really fell for that really wanted a family and it hasn't happened yet. And I've dated guys that either didn't want children as well, or it could go either way. And it wasn't really something that was so important to them. So I am fine if it comes up, date one. It comes out sometimes. If it's in a conversation, it's part of my, someone tried to insult me once saying it was part of my personality at this point. Yeah, it is. So it's like, it comes up. And if I'm asked, I'm open about it. So I think these things,

• 1:01:59Speaker 01

  you just have to own them. You know, like, that's just what it is, you know?

• 1:02:05Speaker 02

  We're seeing so many more women share that they don't want kids as well. Absolutely, absolutely.

• 1:02:10Speaker 01

  It's not, you know, more out there.

• 1:02:12Speaker 02

  Absolutely. I always think it's funny when people say, like, you'll change your mind. It's like, when you tell me you want kids, I don't tell you to change your mind. It's so funny to me. And we did this episode and it was really so beautiful. And we tried really hard to not judge anybody's Decisions because we don't, we don't care. If you want to be a mom, that's amazing. If you don't, then don't be a mom. But the amount of people that wrote us and said, I grew up never knowing I had a choice. I thought this was a foregone conclusion. I'm one of those people as well, just always thought like, of course I'll have kids. Everybody has kids, you know? So many mothers wrote us and said, like, I love my kids, but I don't know that I would have chosen this if I knew that I could have had another option.

• 1:02:48Speaker 01

  The emails we got were heartbreaking. Yeah, for mothers. Yeah, that were like, I don't think I should have had kids, you know? And that, like Rayna said, I love my kids, but we were like, whoa.

• 1:02:58Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, but that requires so much honesty. Yeah.

• 1:03:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, people felt like it was a safe space to share that type of guilt that they feel.

• 1:03:05Speaker 02

  It's not a big community that exists that you can tell your other mom friends, like, I hate this, you know? And I can't really, because I'm not a mother, I'm not in these mom forums, but I know that there's a lot of judgment. You know, I'm sure it's not a very popular thing to say, like, I made a mistake, you know? It's a huge decision to make and to each their own. It's not necessarily a decision I'm gonna make. But yeah, it was, it was hard to see a lot of people say, you know, I just didn't know. I didn't know that I could make another decision. And there's been so much writing, especially since COVID, that so many women are foregoing having children. And I, I love that, like, we can talk about this now, and it's not so taboo. And I remember when I told my mom I didn't think I wanted to have kids, I'm not 100% like Ashley is, but I'm aging out of being, but I have kids, so.

• 1:03:52Speaker 01

  You're not freezing your eggs.

• 1:03:53Speaker 02

  I'm not freezing any eggs. I told my mom I didn't think I wanted to have kids, and it was a really bad situation. And I don't think, I think I approached it really flippantly, and I insulted her choice to have children. And I think I said something like, well, I don't need to have kids to make my life mean something. And she was like, you think I, you think my life didn't mean anything without you? Like, you know? So I think that I was kind of hurtful in my words, and I didn't think about it. And I was just like, what's the difference? My life means a lot to a lot of people. And she was like, so I think that you do have to, you know, gent, tread lightly with, with family. And.

• 1:04:25Jay Shetty?

  Thank you for sharing that.

• 1:04:26Speaker 02

  No, yeah, ultimately.

• 1:04:27Speaker 01

  It's important to approach it with compassion.

• 1:04:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, I did not choose my words while it was a really bad fight, because I insulted her choices in life. And. My mom accepts anything. Our parents, we're really lucky. Our parents just accept whatever we do. But I think that you just tread a little bit lightly and, you know, my mom wasn't mad that I said I didn't want kids. She was mad at my delivery about not wanting kids.

• 1:04:47Jay Shetty?

  That's such a great point. I mean, I think so often you could be making a really good decision for yourself. But it's, what you just said, it's reflected and projected in a way onto our insecurity about them or a flaw we see in them or a challenge in them. And I, I love that you brought that point out because I think it's so important to communicate it and say it because it's for us, right? It's about you. It's about you as the individual. And even the way you were saying it, Ashley, I think there's so much strength and courage when you're like, this is my decision. I'm owning it and I'm dealing with it and how it reflects on me. But thank you for opening up and sharing that because.

• 1:05:21Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, people love this topic with us and it really was Ashley that approached the topic originally. But my mom, it was, she was just sort of like, oh, you, you think you're so successful. You don't need kids, but I, I needed them. You know, it, it came off not very nice. So.

• 1:05:34Speaker 01

  But I will say, having a new nephew, I get it. It doesn't make me want kids, but I feel different down the inside. Like the love that I have for this baby is like, I can't, I could like cry right now just as I miss him so actively every day. Like it did not make me want to have children. I want to be very clear. It's still no, no part of it I'm interested in. But it's like, made me understand it more or something where I'm like, yeah, I really, I get it. I get it y'all. And those, I feel for you even more that are kind of struggling with this in the first place because it's really beautiful and special.

• 1:06:05Speaker 02

  It made me want them and not want them. I'll tell you why. He's the cutest, he just brings so much love to the room and everyone, it just brings everyone together in such a beautiful way. But your sister-in-law, like I, it's around the clock. I see how hard she works to just, you know, be a great mother and cook dinner. And you know, she cooked this great Christmas dinner and then she had to go upstairs and feed him.

• 1:06:24Speaker 01

  And couldn't eat with us.

• 1:06:25Speaker 02

  She missed dinner and I was like, I don't want that.

• 1:06:27Speaker 01

  This is a nightmare. Last to eat.

• 1:06:30Speaker 02

  And I cooked it and paid for it.

• 1:06:33Speaker 01

  No thanks.

• 1:06:35Speaker 02

  So she is such a good mom and I, I think sometimes good parenting is looking at that and going, I wouldn't be good at that and I'm not gonna do that. I don't want to be bothered. Okay? I'm eating first.

• 1:06:46Jay Shetty?

  Well, that's what it is, right? When you're looking at the baby for two hours a day, it's very different than being with the baby.

• 1:06:51Speaker 01

  I will say, I want to tell you this. I just feel like you'll appreciate it is that we talked about this on the episode of like, there's this tiny thing in the back of your head that you just don't want to die alone. You know, like you may not be with your spouse if you ever got married or your friends could be dead or you won't have your parents anymore. Like your family, your immediate family is gone. And so there's that little thing in the back of your head that, you know, for me, it's like I watched my mom tend to my grandmother when she was dying and we all had a very close relationship. And it's like, what happens when I'm in my grandmother's place or when I'm dying or I'm in hospice or I'm sick or whatever. And so it doesn't make me want to do it, but there is that thing, at least in my head and I think in other people's too. And we did this episode and we got this, maybe I shouldn't have brought this up, but we got this email from this hospice nurse and she was like,

• 1:07:36Speaker 01

  I, your fears are so valid, but like, I just want to tell you two that you will have people with you at the end and you've built this life for yourselves and you'll be surrounded by people that you love. And it took me out. Like I was like, what a beautiful message to ease those fears and that you will have people around you and you will be surrounded by love in your final days. Just like morbid as that sounds, but it was really nice to hear from someone who witnesses those things happen every day.

• 1:08:03Speaker 02

  Yeah. And the really, the greatest gift of this podcast is it has given me better friends, given Ashley and I a reason to travel and tour and reconnect with friends from college and high school. And it's made my relationship with my parents better, my brother. It just, it's made me a better person and I think about our daughter, sister, friend, all of that. So that's such a gift. And now, yes, I know I'll be surrounded by people because I've used this podcast as therapy for myself. And we get to interview people like you.

• 1:08:28Speaker 01

  We'll have our listeners there at the end.

• 1:08:33Speaker 01

  I'll do a live stream.

• 1:08:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm gonna stream my death.

• 1:08:38Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:08:39Speaker 02

  People can call in.

• 1:08:42Speaker 02

  I'll be on a feed like at the zoo where you watch the penguins. At the hospital.

• 1:08:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:08:50Jay Shetty?

  No, thank you for taking it there. I mean, honestly, I could tell why people are addicted listening to you both.

• 1:08:56Speaker 01

  You too.

• 1:08:57Jay Shetty?

  It's very addictive. It's contagious. It's amazing energy. I fully agree that whoever you decide to choose to be with, and you choose to be with both of you, are gonna have such a great relationship. They're gonna have such a great time. I just love spending this time with you. And even to hear how reflective and thoughtful and how deep and just the amount of self-work that you've both done is unbelievable. And to see it in display in this way is really inspiring. And I hope that everyone who's listening or watching can see that you can have fun and think deeply at the same time, which is important, because I think there's this belief that like, oh, you can just be silly and stupid, or you can be really thoughtful and reflective. And I think you both walk that path really wonderfully, so.

• 1:09:38Speaker 01

  That really means the world. You know, like, it really does, because it's like, people are dynamic, and you can go on stage and do all this stuff, and at the end of the day, you still be like, an intelligent person with depth and can have conversations like this. So I really appreciate that.

• 1:09:53Speaker 02

  It really means a lot. We try to make our show like that. That's what we call it, a comedy show about dating and relationships. And we've done really wild episodes with porn stars, but we've talked about sexual assault and abortion and really heavy stuff. So we're really proud of that. We hope that it came across. So thank you for saying that.

• 1:10:08Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, definitely. No, definitely. I'm hoping this will be the first of many. So today's good intro for anyone who doesn't already love you and follow you. But we end every episode with a final five. And so I'm gonna have to ask you, but you can decide who goes first. I don't mind. But you have to answer the same questions. Okay, so question number one. What is the best relationship advice you've ever heard, received, or given?

• 1:10:31Speaker 02

  So I think the best relationship advice we've heard, or I can give it in one sentence. This is gonna sound counterintuitive, but the thing that's gonna make you the best partner is building a life for yourself that you are proud of. That is our, that's our whole show's mantra.

• 1:10:44Jay Shetty?

  You can't say our, it's yours. It's yours, Rayna. Own it.

• 1:10:46Speaker 02

  It's mine now.

• 1:10:47Jay Shetty?

  Ashley has to come up with her own one now.

• 1:10:48Speaker 01

  I'm gonna steal the one you did with Matthew Hussey, actually.

• 1:10:52Speaker 01

  I watched that clip. Make a list of the person you want and be that person.

• 1:10:57Speaker 01

  No, I mean, but that's what I think will make you the perfect partner and the best version of yourself. You build a life.

• 1:11:03Jay Shetty?

  You've already won. You've already won.

• 1:11:04Speaker 01

  No, no, no, it's not in second place. It's fine. I mean, listen, again, it might sound counterintuitive to like manifesting and visualizing, but I really do stand by it might not look like what you thought it was gonna look like.

• 1:11:15Jay Shetty?

  I love that.

• 1:11:15Speaker 01

  Anything, you know, your life, but your relationship.

• 1:11:19Jay Shetty?

  That's awesome.

• 1:11:19Speaker 01

  And just relax. Just chill. And not anything so heavy. Just relax.

• 1:11:26Jay Shetty?

  All right. Second question. What's the worst relationship advice you've ever heard, received, or given?

• 1:11:32Speaker 01

  Change yourself to fit into somebody else's life.

• 1:11:35Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, Rayna with the quick answers. Absolutely.

• 1:11:37Speaker 01

  Just stupid stuff like don't sleep with someone after like 14 dates. Rules. Yeah. Any rules. Like we just really, we try to hammer that on. I think sex rules. I think it's crazy. And we have, like, I'm not saying you should always sleep with them on the first. I mean, I just think those things like bog you down.

• 1:11:55Jay Shetty?

  Question number three. What's something you used to value in relationships that you don't anymore?

• 1:11:59Speaker 01

  I mean, I guess you don't need to play a D1 or pro sport.

• 1:12:08Speaker 01

  I only used to want to be with athletes. You don't have to be an athlete.

• 1:12:11Jay Shetty?

  Okay, got it.

• 1:12:14Speaker 01

  I don't know. I feel like I just keep adding to it. Cause the bar started so low. It was just like, do you have a pulse?

• 1:12:22Speaker 01

  You don't value that anymore. Cause I was, I was never one of those girls that was like, gotta date a guy with money and finance. Like I wasn't one of those people. Like it's really, it's gone backwards. For me, it's just, you don't have to be a pro athlete. Yeah, I just, the bar was so low before. So nothing. Yeah, just keep adding.

• 1:12:36Jay Shetty?

  That's a good answer. Question number four. What's one episode on your podcast that you'd love everyone to listen to?

• 1:12:43Speaker 01

  Oh God, it's just, what are you looking for?

• 1:12:45Jay Shetty?

  For this community, for this, for my audience.

• 1:12:48Speaker 01

  I like this episode we did called You're Not The One, because I feel like it goes in tandem with this today. And it's just about. Breaking up with those people that are not the one.

• 1:12:57Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:57Speaker 02

  Mm hmm. Um, we did do an episode with Laine Moore, um, in the new year about, um, what do we, what do we call it? It's not being happy.

• 1:13:03Speaker 01

  How to be alone.

• 1:13:04Speaker 02

  How to be alone.

• 1:13:04Speaker 01

  Along that line.

• 1:13:05Speaker 02

  Um.

• 1:13:05Speaker 01

  New year, last year, 2022.

• 1:13:07Speaker 02

  And we were going to talk to you about that on our show as well.

• 1:13:09Jay Shetty?

  Okay.

• 1:13:10Speaker 02

  But yeah, I mean, so much of this is just checking in with yourself, being a good version of yourself. Um, we did do a relationship with Lori Gottlieb, who's a psychotherapist about.

• 1:13:17Jay Shetty?

  She's been on, I love Lori.

• 1:13:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, we love her. She's been on twice. Um, both the episodes with her were great, but we did one in the fall about, um, strengthening your relationship, mother, daughter relationships. It's applicable to any parent relationship, but it really, um, I think helped a lot of people. So if you're looking for anything like that, I think it's really special. And everything's on our website, every episode we've ever done, you can go to girlsgottlieb.com.

• 1:13:35Jay Shetty?

  Fifth and final question, what's your biggest piece of relationship advice for each other this year, 2023?

• 1:13:41Speaker 01

  I feel like my piece of advice for Rayna has always been about the same and it's just don't go down the road with people that are not emotionally available and wouldn't be a good match. And I feel like I can sometimes see it and I'm answering more than one sentence, but I can kind of sometimes see that when she can't because she's in it. And so I just would continue on that road of like, pick partners that make sense.

• 1:14:00Speaker 02

  Um, I think for you, because you just in the past have just said, I don't care about being in a relationship this year, just to prioritize it this year. And to just give yourself some grace that you don't need to work seven days a week and you don't need to work at 10:00 PM. And like, you're allowed to take days off and you're allowed to prioritize yourself and just be in the moment and be happy. And you don't need to just be working all the time. You're allowed.

• 1:14:23Speaker 01

  Rayna gives me permission to stop working. It makes me emotional.

• 1:14:25Jay Shetty?

  I love it.

• 1:14:26Speaker 01

  This video, she told me, Ashley, you run the company. You don't have to work today. And I was like, what?

• 1:14:30Speaker 02

  I had to remind her, we own this company. Yeah. She was like, I just felt really stressed out, really bogged down. I was like, we own the company. You can take the day off. But I think that, you know, she has a really full life, as do I, but just talking about her, she has a really full life and all these friends and she works really hard. And so it can be easy to be like, I don't have anything left in the tank today. So you, you, your intention is to date, so I think you should do it.

• 1:14:52Speaker 01

  I'm trying to energetically make space.

• 1:14:54Jay Shetty?

  Beautiful. I love that.

• 1:14:57Jay Shetty?

  Rayna, Ashley, this has been so fun to talk to you. Everyone who's been listening and watching, wherever you are, make sure you tag Rayna, Ashley and me with your biggest insights, takeaways, tips, moments that made you laugh out loud, whatever worked for you, and stuff that you're practicing, trying out this year as well. And make sure that you go and listen to and subscribe to Girls Gotta Eat as well if you want more of Rayna and Ashley in your life. Rayna, Ashley, thank you so much for the opportunity, the joy. So grateful to both of you and thanks for joining on purpose.

• 1:15:24Speaker 03

  Thank you so much.

• 1:15:25Jay Shetty?

  Thank you. If you loved this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships.

• 1:15:35Speaker 04

  Mr. President, my company informed me of the explosion on our rig on October 2nd, causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heap the blame on me. Tom Cruise is. Digger got us into this mess and Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and The Revenant.

• 1:15:52Speaker 03

  What would happen if I stopped doing it? You're stalled, you're freezing there, that's what.

• 1:15:56Speaker 04

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 1:15:59Speaker 03

  I'm not the first man.

• 1:16:00Speaker 04

  Digger, see the trailer online, only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R, under 17, not admitted without parent.

• 1:16:05Speaker 05

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