Let Go of Expectations and Attract What You Desire | Lewis Howes

Lewis Howes, host of The School of Greatness and author of Make Money Easy, examines why unspoken expectations leave hardworking people feeling stuck and resentful. Releasing demands on timing and outcome while keeping the effort high makes room for good things to arrive. Topics include the silent contracts journaling exercise, the “Would you be willing to” ask, therapy at the start of a relationship, and the book Eight Dates.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Lewis Howes?

  October hits and mornings just feel different. Your alarm goes off, it's still dark outside and you've got a full day ahead. When the season shifts, I try to keep the first part of my day consistent. And that's where my AG1 routine earns its spot. One scoop cold water every morning before anything else. I like having something simple that stays consistent even when my schedule changes with the season. AG1 Next Gen has 75 plus ingredients, including vitamins, minerals, pre and probiotics, and superfoods. It's backed by four separate gold standard clinical trials and specifically formulated to support immune defense so you can stay ahead of the season.

• 0:44Lewis Howes?

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• 1:26Lewis Howes?

  sleep plus recommendations to build a routine that works for you. Try Hatch Sleep Clock, the sleep tracker designed to get you to sleep. Available now on hatch.co and Amazon.

• 1:40Lewis Howes?

  You know, fall is here when the mornings get a little cooler and you start reaching for that comfortable stuff again. And that's where Bumbus comes in. They make some of my favorite everyday basics, especially their socks, which I'm wearing right now, actually. I've been wearing the Bumbus All Sport ankle socks and these are exactly the kind of socks that I reach for when I'm moving, when I'm working out, when I'm walking, when I'm running or just hanging out. I can throw them on for a workout, wear them with sneakers throughout the day, or just keep them on when I'm running around and they're super comfortable. They feel great on my feet and I love having one pair that actually works for so much of my day. And as we get into fall, comfort matters. Cooler mornings, more layers, getting outside and staying active. Bumbus fits right into that.

• 2:25Lewis Howes?

  Head over to bombus.com/greatness and use code greatness for 20% off your first purchase. That's B O M B A S dot com slash greatness. Code greatness at checkout.

• 2:39Lewis Howes?

  The School of Greatness is presented by ChatGPT. ChatGPT work, a new way to work in ChatGPT can help you organize multi-step projects. ChatGPT work can use your apps, connected tools and files to create things like landing pages, trackers, even web apps. You can also make ChatGPT work more specialized by installing specific plugins. Put ChatGPT to work on your most ambitious ideas and projects. Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting work mode available on plus and pro plans. If you're looking to create an extraordinary life, but you feel like you've been stuck

• 3:22Lewis Howes?

  a lot lately and you're not getting the breakthrough you want, the thing you want most is probably closer than you think. And the reason it hasn't shown up yet is not because you're not doing all the work you're supposed to be doing. It's the way that you're holding on to it. Now you've been clear about what you want, setting goals, visualizing and doing all the steps you need to do. And you've done the work and somewhere along the way, it turned into something heavier for you. It turned into a weight and it became an expectation. And it has to happen this way. It has to happen by this date. The person has to be the one who gives it to me in this way. And the tighter that you hold on to this expectation, this belief, this desire, that

• 4:07Lewis Howes?

  it has to be a certain way, the further away it feels. Now desire pulls things towards you. When we desire, when we dream, we start to imagine and pull things toward us. But the expectations we put out there into the world pushes them away. Today, we're going through the five expectations that are quietly blocking you from having more freedom, more abundance, more peace and more fulfillment. And break down how to shift your mindset to let go of the expectation. That's what we're talking about today so that you can begin attracting all that you actually desire.

• 4:49Lewis Howes?

  And once I started to learn how to let go of these expectations in my life, it allowed me to attract the right business opportunities, the right relationships and friendships. And it's even how I found my wife Martha by letting go of these five key expectations. And expectation number one is something that a lot of us do. We say, I've done the work, so now I'm owed this. Now here's a question for you. Why do some of the hardest working people you know, and maybe it's yourself also, why do they or you still feel like you're stuck?

• 5:29Lewis Howes?

  Because somewhere in their head or somewhere in your head, they're keeping record of what they feel like they're owed. And maybe this is something you do a lot as well. I worked this whole year in a certain way. Now I'm owed a certain thing. I show up every single day. The promotion should be mine. I should be getting that raise, whatever it might be. I posted content every single day for a year like people told me to do. So now I should have the following or the audience or the views. I've been a great partner in my relationship, so I should be receiving more love back. This all feels fair and in a lot of ways, it makes a ton of sense. You put in the effort, you should be getting the results.

• 6:11Lewis Howes?

  But the moment your effort comes with an expectation attached to it, the people around you can start to feel it. They feel the pressure before you say a word. And my friend and previous guest on the, on the School of Greatness podcast, Myron Golden talks about this when it comes to selling someone something. So if you're in the sales world, this is something you need to hear. The more you need someone to say yes, the less likely they are to say it. Neediness is something people sense immediately and they, they kind of resist it. They push away from it. They don't want to be sold something, especially if they don't feel like you have their best interest in mind. It works the same way in business and love and in friendships.

• 6:57Lewis Howes?

  The tighter you grip what you think you are owed, the less room there is for it to arrive and come to you. Early in my business days, when I was launching the podcast, I originally thought, gosh, I'm going to work really hard. I'm going to do an episode a week and I want the audience to come quickly. But it wasn't happening right away in the first few months, like no one was listening. And this was over 13 and a half years ago. No one knew what a podcast was. No one knew how to go and find and listen to a podcast. There was no video podcast then. It was a completely different landscape and I was one of the first people to do it. And I thought all these people were to come and jump on and subscribe and listen to the content because I was so excited about it.

• 7:42Lewis Howes?

  And then I realized, okay, I'm holding on to this too tightly. I want the results too quickly. And I said, you know what? I'm going to make an experiment. I'm just going to do this once a week for a year. I'm going to be consistent and I'm not going to try to make any money from this and I'm going to let the audience build as it naturally comes. And for the first year, I didn't make any money. It was not like all this money started coming in. I worked really hard every single week. I did an episode a week. I promoted it out. It's not like I just posted an episode and then hoped that people found it. I followed up. I messaged people one by one for a week with each episode throughout the whole year. And I would ask them to subscribe and listen.

• 8:26Lewis Howes?

  And I would give them specific points in that episode that I thought would speak to them that they'd be interested in. So I did that every day for every episode for that week. And then I would repeat it weekly for the year. And I made zero dollars on the podcast. It actually took a few years until I made any money on the podcast, but I stayed consistent every single week for those first few years. And when I let go of the expectation that I need to have a bigger following, I need to start making money from this. And I put my intention on service. I put my intention on adding value to people. I put my intention on how I can learn and develop and build relationships with the guests that I was interviewing. I put my intention on being of service to my guests and helping them succeed.

• 9:10Lewis Howes?

  Once I started to do that, instead of focusing on what I could gain from this financially or subscriber wise, that's when opportunities really started to come. And it didn't happen right away. It took time, but it was almost like I had to be willing to show my lack of expectation for growth and financial results for a period of time until it started to come to me. And it was almost like I had to prove to myself that I was doing this out of love, out of joy, out of curiosity, and not out of wanting to make a lot of money or wanting to get a lot of followers or something like that. And once I shifted that internally, that internal expectation and made it about service,

• 9:55Lewis Howes?

  made it about consistency, made it about figuring out how I can better myself in this journey, that's when others started to resonate with it even more and it started to take off and build. And listen, we all need to make money and I had a business that was generating income in other ways. So you can't just say, I'm going to do this for five years and make no money and expect nothing in return. There's a balance in this as well, but it's more around the energy of the expectation when you can let that go and continue to show up and take action and add value. That's when good things start to happen. So this week I want you to try this. I want you to find the silent contracts that you have created with people. Maybe it's your audience, maybe it's with your intimate partner, maybe it's with friends,

• 10:39Lewis Howes?

  family, your boss, a coworker, whatever it might be. And I want you to take out a piece of paper and I want you to finish this sentence as many times as you can. So get and write this down and finish this sentence. And the sentence goes like this, I did blank, so I'm owed blank. I did blank, so I'm owed blank. And I want you to fill in those blanks. What did you do? And what do you believe you are owed from the actions you did? And I want you to be honest about this. You don't have to post this online. You don't have to share this in the comments below. Nobody else is going to read this. This is just for you to figure out what these silent contracts are.

• 11:18Lewis Howes?

  Because most people find three or four right away with a boss, with a partner, a parent, your audience, whatever it is, I just want you to pick one of them and start. And keep doing the work on the left side of that sentence. And cross out the right side. So, you know, whatever you think it is, I did blank, so I'm owed blank. And I want you to, again, continue to do the work on the left side of that sentence and cross out the right side of what you're owed. You still show up. You still give. You just stop attaching an expectation to it. You stop attaching a result. Now, this doesn't mean you don't want the result still.

• 11:59Lewis Howes?

  You're going to be creating something because you want to, you want to create a result for yourself as well. But when you tie the expectation to it, people feel it. You know, I get emails, text messages, DMs weekly from people wanting something from me, right? And you can sense the energy on how people communicate through just written word. You can sense the energy when someone speaks to you in person, if they want something from you. Maybe you don't feel comfortable with it right now, or maybe it doesn't feel like it's the right timing and the right enlightenment, for whatever reason. Once you stop attaching an expectation to something, watch how differently people respond to you by the end of this week.

• 12:41Lewis Howes?

  Stop attaching the expectation and watch how people respond. And if you're keeping score with your own effort, there's a good chance you're keeping score with everyone else's as well. Which brings us to the second expectation.

• 13:00Lewis Howes?

  This fall, LL Bean is celebrating the moments people look forward to all year. The first school drop off, the first sweater weather day, and the first chilly evening around the fire pit. For over 100 years, LL Bean has been part of these traditions. Crunching leaves in Maine-made Bean boots, cheering from the sidelines in Scotch plaid flannel, and walking the dog in a rugged field coat. So grab the layers and people you love and get outside. Visit llbean.com to shop the fall collection. LL Bean, be an outsider.

• 13:39Lewis Howes?

  In business, there's the easy way with Staples or the hard way. Hard means waiting too long for custom prints when your business needs them now. Easy means banners, business cards, and more, ready as fast as same day. Hard means unfortunate printer errors. Easy means quality, professional-grade print solutions. Don't choose hard, choose Staples, in-store, online, or through the app. If you're a small business, you know one great hire can change everything. And maybe it's someone to keep the day running smoothly, find the right producer, or take work off your plate so you can focus on what you do best. Finding that person matters. Indeed sponsored jobs gets you quality candidates when you need them most.

• 14:24Lewis Howes?

  Join the 3.3 million employers worldwide that use Indeed to connect with quality talent that fits their needs. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit to help get your job the premium status it deserves at indeed.com/podcast. That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring now? Then this is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. Expectation number two is I should be where they are by now. Oh, man, this is a big one. What do they say? Comparison is the thief of joy? Why can you be making real progress in your life, in your career, in your health,

• 15:08Lewis Howes?

  and whatever it might be, in your online following, or whatever it might be, and still feel like you're falling behind? You're making progress, but then you see someone else doing much better than you on their timeline. It's because you're comparing yourself and your life to someone else's life and their results. At some point, you picked someone that you admire. Or maybe you picked a few people in your industry that you look up to. Or maybe it's a few of your friends from college that are a few years out of college that just seem to be crushing it in life right now. They've got the relationship, they're getting engaged, they're getting married. They got this cool career that you wish you had that life. And without thinking about it, their life became your, your path that you had to follow.

• 15:53Lewis Howes?

  They bought a house at 25 or 30, and you feel like, man, this seems impossible. How am I ever going to do this? I'm so far behind. They made, you know, a hundred grand, or half a million dollars, or a million dollars in a few years after launching their business. And you've been trying to build a business for five to 10 years, and you just feel like you've been failing over and over again. You feel less successful in that process. Again, they might be married with kids, and you're still single. Or you're going through heartbreak and breakup after breakup, trying to see why you're not where you want to be in your relationship and what's wrong with you. Something is wrong with me if they're able to do this and I'm not.

• 16:35Lewis Howes?

  Wanting those things is fine. We all want to have nice things and nice experiences and great relationships. But expecting them to happen at the same time as someone else's timeline, it will make you crazy and make you miserable. So you're looking at where they are after 10, 15 years, and you're comparing it to where you are after a couple of years. And that's not a fair fight. You feel like it when you look at someone else's Instagram page, and you feel bad for the rest of the day when you see all their highlights, all their successes, or seeming highlights and successes, and you feel like you're not there. Or when a friend of yours shares good news with you, and part of you is happy for them, but the other part of you is like,

• 17:20Lewis Howes?

  gosh dang it, you're really upset and jealous because they keep having win after win, and you just never have a good break. And you just feel like, why are they so lucky? And all these opportunities fall in their lap, but I work so hard and I'm not getting what I want. Listen, I used to get frustrated. I remember in playing sports, I used to get frustrated because I would compare myself to guys who were older than me. When I was a freshman, specifically in high school, and a freshman in college, I would compare myself to people who were juniors and seniors, a few years older than me. And I would get frustrated that they were getting playing time or opportunities that I wasn't getting. Because in my mind, I felt like I was a better player. I felt like I was more athletic, a better player, worked harder, whatever it might be.

• 18:04Lewis Howes?

  But these were upperclassmen. These were people that were a few years ahead of me. They'd put in the time, they'd put in the reps, they'd overcome their challenges, and they got to where they are. So they were getting those opportunities. And I remember feeling really resentful and frustrated and jealous my freshman year because I didn't get the opportunities I wanted to. But here's the thing, there might be bigger reasons at play that are protecting you from not having those opportunities too soon. I remember a mentor of mine, early on, when I was broke, living on my sister's couch. I was working at an unpaid internship with someone in Columbus, Ohio. And I was working there a few days a week, just trying to learn.

• 18:44Lewis Howes?

  And after maybe six months, we would go on walks, you know, every week. And I would ask him questions during these walks.

• 18:54Lewis Howes?

  And one of these days, after about six months of working with him as the internship, I was like, really struggling, really struggling financially, emotionally. My confidence was very low because I was in my mid twenties. I had no money. I was sleeping on my sister's couch. And I just felt like, when am I ever going to catch a break? When am I ever going to learn how to make money? When am I going to get an opportunity that's going to set my life up for success? When am I going to get off my sister's couch? All these questions. And it was like I couldn't take care of myself. And it just doesn't feel good if you're not able to provide for yourself. And he turned to me and said, and I said, you know, I could really learn how to make more money right now. And he turned to me and said, money comes to you when you're ready for it.

• 19:39Lewis Howes?

  I was like, I feel pretty ready. I feel really ready to have some money right now. Like I was broke, I was poor, I was struggling. And I was like, I'm ready. Trust me, I'm ready to have some money. And he was just like, money comes to you when you're ready for it. If you, if you get it too soon before you're not ready for it, whether you don't have the right information, you don't have the right financial tools, financial education, emotional maturity, you're probably going to blow it or you'll sabotage it. And it wasn't until maybe a year later, when money, I started to learn how to make money.

• 20:11Lewis Howes?

  That I realized he was right. Now, in that time of suffering and sadness and uncertainty and scarcity, it feels like, screw you, I don't want to hear this right now. Like, just give me some money because it will create relief in my life. It'll make me feel more worthy about myself when I feel completely unworthy. And he was right, though, because about a year, year and a half later, I started to earn some money, not crazy money, but I was making more money than I'd ever made. And I was like, oh, had I made this a year ago? I probably would have blown it. Maybe I would have been more scarce with it. Maybe I would have sabotaged things, like I wouldn't have been ready for it. And so you've got to know and trust the timing of your life.

• 20:54Lewis Howes?

  That doesn't mean do nothing and in a couple of years, everything's going to come to you. We still get to take the actions like the first expectation we talked about. I do this and I'm owed this. Instead of saying I'm owed something, just say, I'm going to continue to take the actions consistently. Eventually, the right timing, things are going to show up for me. And maybe it's not going to be the way you expect them. Maybe it's greater than how you expect them. Maybe it's still less than how you expect them, but the expectations are what's hurting you. So this week, I want you to try this. Write down the name of the person you compare yourself to the most. And this might frustrate you. This might upset you because it might be someone you don't like.

• 21:38Lewis Howes?

  It might be someone who posts online that you just want to criticize all the time or you talk bad about behind their back because you're like, look at this person, always showing off, always posting this style of content. I don't like this thing. It's usually the person you don't like online. Or maybe you followed them for a while and then you unfollowed them or whatever it might be because you're like, I don't like the way they do things. But dang it, they're really successful. Man, they figured this out or man, they've, they've done what I want to do in my career. So I want you to go and look at what their life was like when they were where you are now. So if you're 25, if you're 30, try to go back and read their old interviews at that time. Scroll back to their first posts back on social media,

• 22:20Lewis Howes?

  their first videos that they posted five, 10, 15 years ago. Or if you know them, just go ask them and compare that year, their year one to your year one right now. Maybe it was their year three compared to your year three right now. Most of the time you'll see that they were struggling also. Maybe they're a little bit farther than you, maybe a little bit less farther than you. But they were scared also. They were struggling, they were insecure, they were uncertain. And I'm telling you, their numbers were small too, if they have an online business or platform. And if they really were further ahead at that point, at the same point that you are now, then you get to learn what they did differently. Either way, you stop feeling behind and you start learning.

• 23:05Lewis Howes?

  Everything is feedback, everything is information. It doesn't mean you are right or wrong. It doesn't mean you are good or bad. Those first two expectations are the ones that you put on your own life. And that's what's holding you back. It's an emotional and psychological weight that's holding you back from being creative, from being innovative, from being expressive of your unique self. And when you create from a place of jealousy, anger, or expectation, you're probably not doing your best work. But when you create from a place of joy, of love, of inspiration, of passion, people can feel that and the energy shifts.

• 23:46Lewis Howes?

  So this next one is the expectation you put on the people you love. And it can hurt your relationships more than anything else. My friend, I hope you're enjoying this episode. And the School of Greatness drops new conversations every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday around money, mindset, healing, manifestation, and relationships. And if you're not yet following the show, then you're missing all of them. Please tap the follow button right now and you'll get notified the moment every new episode drops because the next one might be exactly what you need. Now let's get back to the conversation. The School of Greatness is brought to you in partnership with Airbnb. Some of the trips I remember most are the ones where the main event

• 24:31Lewis Howes?

  is only part of the experience. You go for one reason, but then you find a great local spot. You explore a neighborhood you've never seen before. And suddenly the trip becomes so much more than what brought you there. I think about that from the other side also because I list a space on Airbnb as well. When a big event brings people into that area, it gives travelers a comfortable place to land and experience more of what's around them. And for me, the extra income is an amazing benefit. I can put it towards a project for the space or toward another trip and another experience somewhere new. Sometimes a big event gets the big attention for someone,

• 25:14Lewis Howes?

  but your space can get some of the spotlight as well. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com/host.

• 25:26Lewis Howes?

  Support for this episode comes from Amazon Business. When it comes to your business, procurement shouldn't be a guessing game. Whether you're running a small business or managing a large organization, Amazon Business offers smart purchasing experiences designed to meet your unique needs. Smart tech, smarter decisions, streamline your buying process, save time and money, and gain valuable insights. Amazon Business empowers you and your team to buy with confidence. Learn more at AmazonBusiness.com. Expectation number three, if they really cared, they'd know what I need. So this is a big one. Why do so many relationships fall apart? Over things that nobody ever said out loud.

• 26:11Lewis Howes?

  Well, it's because most of us expect things from people that we've never actually asked them for. So what does this mean? Well, you're, you expect your partner to notice that you had a bad day. You expect your team to know what a great job looks like. You expect your friend to remember the day that matters to you the most. What was that date, that thing that it matters to me the most? They need to remember that as well. And when they don't remember these things, you get hurt. It's because you had an expectation, but they never knew. You never told them. You just expected them to read your mind. It's kind of like the notebook. What do you want? You know, it's like that scene in The Notebook where he just says over and over again, what do you want? What do you want?

• 26:56Lewis Howes?

  And she doesn't know, she can't tell him. She's just upset. And he's like, well, what do you want from me? So every time they miss it, you pull back a little bit. You get quieter, you give a little less. And the closeness you once had, or the closeness you want, gets harder to find in those relationships. And a lot of us think that if we have to ask for it, it doesn't count. If they really loved me, if they really cared about me, I wouldn't have to say it. I wouldn't have to say what I want. That one thought has ended marriages, has ended businesses, has ended friendships, partnerships that should have lasted a lifetime or decades. And you've probably said to this partner, this friend or whoever,

• 27:41Lewis Howes?

  you probably said, I'm fine, when actually you weren't. Or you dropped hints and got upset when nobody picked up on them. And this is passive aggressive energy. This is really not healthy levels of communication. When you learn to have the emotional maturity to be uncomfortable and say, hey, this is something that I really need in my relationship. This is something I need. Is this something you're able to give to me? Things start to shift, but when you just expect someone else to know what you want or know what you need, you're going to be resentful of them because you're holding on to an expectation. And this is something that I did wrong in every relationship, intimate relationship I had until I met my wife, Martha.

• 28:26Lewis Howes?

  I would have an expectation that they were supposed to know something or they were supposed to act a certain way when I had a good day, a bad day. They were supposed to celebrate me in certain ways. They were supposed to lift me up in other ways without actually communicating what I wanted or what I needed and having an agreement in place. And one of the things that Martha and I did, you know, after me realizing I was the problem in all my relationships before, or at least I was the common denominator to them not working out, was I told Martha early on when we were dating, I said, listen, I want, you know, there's no perfect relationship and it doesn't mean we're never going to have challenges and adversities. But I would love to do therapy with you in the beginning of our relationship

• 29:08Lewis Howes?

  because every relationship I was in before had therapy at the end. And then it didn't work out. It was too late. And I think if we do therapy from the beginning, we can quickly figure out whether we should actually continue dating or if we end the relationship early because we're unable to create agreements. And most individuals have expectations when they enter a relationship. They expect a person to text them in the morning, first thing, or text them at night, or call them throughout the day, or do birthdays in a certain way, or take them out in a certain way, or treat them a certain way, whatever it might be. There's no right or wrong, good or bad, but everyone has an expectation in relationships based on what they saw from their parents,

• 29:53Lewis Howes?

  what they liked, what they didn't like, what they heard from their friends, what they saw in movies, whatever it might be. We all have expectations. But unless we communicate those expectations and create agreements.

• 30:04Lewis Howes?

  Everything is eventually going to be falling apart, or there's going to be more conflict than necessary. So I said this early on, let's go into therapy from the beginning. And most people probably think that's crazy. Why enter a relationship in therapy? Well, when you go through as much pain and suffering as I had through multiple long-term relationships, I was like, I'd rather be single and just have peace, or I want to do my best to create agreements early in a relationship to minimize the stress because life is going to throw us challenges. I don't want to add on top of it dysfunctional, you know, communication or expectations on top of it in our relationship. And we did it for about a year and a half. And it was not always comfortable.

• 30:49Lewis Howes?

  It was addressing a lot of things that was uncomfortable to each of us, but it created so much clear communication and clear agreements when we had certain expectations that we hadn't communicated yet. I actually highly recommend it for all relationships to start with some type of either book that you read together where you create clarity around expectations or agreements. And maybe it's therapy or a coach that you have in the beginning of a relationship, whatever it might be, something that you can work on together. It doesn't have to be therapy, but that's the avenue and the tool that I thought would be best for us. And if you can do that, there's a book called Eight Dates. That's actually really powerful. We went through this book as well, that you go on eight dates together

• 31:34Lewis Howes?

  and you talk about all the big challenges that most relationships and marriages have. And you workshop them together and you come to agreements as well. So it doesn't have to be therapy. You could do this book, you could do something else if you want to as well. But I love the idea of doing this in the beginning of a business relationship, of an intimate relationship is creating clarity around expectations. And when you can do that, I'm telling you, you can have a much healthier relationship. It doesn't guarantee it's perfect, but it's healthier. Or you could say, you know what? We actually have very different expectations that we can't come to agreements on. So maybe this isn't the right relationship for us to get into, whether it be a business relationship or an intimate relationship.

• 32:20Lewis Howes?

  So this week I want you to try this. I want you to pick one person and one thing you've been wanting for them to do. Then I want you to ask them for it. And I want you to start with these words. Would you be willing to?

• 32:35Lewis Howes?

  Would you be willing to text me when you're running late? Would you be willing to tell me when I do something that helps you? Would you be willing to, or would you be willing to put your phone away for one night a week? Then comes the hard part. You have to let them say no. So you might want something from them, but they may not want to give it to you. When you expect something, the other person doesn't get a choice. And then you get resentful, you get upset, you get mad, you get passive aggressive, you get silent when they don't give you what you want. But when you ask them, they do have a choice. And when people feel like they have a choice, they say yes a lot more often. And now this next expectation is the one that I probably held on to the longest.

• 33:21Lewis Howes?

  And letting go of it is a big part of how I met my wife Martha. Expectation number four. It has to show up the way I pictured it or I envisioned it. So why do people walk right past the exact thing that they've been asking for? Because it didn't show up looking the way they pictured it. Now you have a vision or a goal or a picture in your mind. Maybe it's the exact person, the exact job, the company, the exact city, the exact moment. And anything that doesn't match that picture, you say no.

• 34:00Lewis Howes?

  You say no to it without even thinking about it. The invitation you turned down because it didn't sound like your kind of thing or your opportunity, the person you didn't go on a second date with because they just weren't your type, the job that paid less at first, but could have changed your whole life. And what you want and how you expect it to show up are very different things. And life rarely gives it to you exactly the way you pictured it. Look back at your own life. Some of the best things that you have today are things you never would have picked up on, on purpose. Now, when I met Martha, I was not looking to get into a relationship.

• 34:44Lewis Howes?

  I had just gotten out of a relationship recently before that and went through a year and a half of, let's just call pain, challenge, struggle. We were in therapy. It was frustrating. We weren't seeing eye to eye on essentially, it felt like everything we were completely opposites on. And we weren't able to find any mutual agreement. It was like one of the most challenging things for me because I didn't want to feel like I had to keep giving and giving in on things that weren't true to me. And the other person didn't want to give in at all that didn't feel true to them as well. I'm not saying either of us were right or wrong, good or bad. We just weren't able to find alignment.

• 35:29Lewis Howes?

  And that's why I said, I need to do this from the beginning next time, not towards the end after a couple of years. And for me, that was my lesson. Like, let's have these conversations early before committing to each other to see if we're the right match, see if we have alignment of values of expectations, instead of jumping into something because it feels fun or exciting. I had this expectation. I was like, I am, I'm going to be single for a certain amount of time. I'm going to be single for the next couple of years, right? I'm just going to be, I'm not going to get into any relationship and I'm just going to chill and do me. I'm going to be me, I'm going to do me, not going to deal with any women. You know, I'm just going to do my thing, focus on my business, my health, all these things.

• 36:14Lewis Howes?

  Fortunately, you know, timing was different about that. And we met up.

• 36:21Lewis Howes?

  And I wasn't expecting anything. I was just like, oh, I'm curious about this person. She seems like she could be a fun person to hang out with. Let's just meet up. We were actually supposed to go salsa dancing. She didn't think I could salsa dance. And literally she knew I'd been salsa dancing for almost 20 years at that point. So we were going to go salsa dancing, but then actually we couldn't find a place. So we went to dinner. And right away, it's so funny because we both kind of had no expectations. We're like, oh, let's just hang out and just meet each other. And right away I could tell, oh, shoot. I was kind of like, dang it. My expectation of wanting to be single for the next year or two,

• 37:02Lewis Howes?

  I might have to let that go. I was resisting it so much because I was resisting her in the beginning so much. And I was like, man, something about this just feels safe. And I've never felt safe in any relationship. But I was like, something about this feels safe. So it feels like I can completely be myself without having to put on some type of persona or anything, or like say the right things. I could just do and be myself and I was fully being accepted without judgment. I was like, huh, that feels weird. I've never experienced this. And I was just like, crap. But I wasn't like, okay, I'm going to jump into this quickly or anything like that. I go, let's just, you know, hang out one night and then, okay, let's meet up again next week and just keep hanging out.

• 37:47Lewis Howes?

  And I just said, I'm going to continue to be all of me and not worry about her accepting me or not. I'm going to continue to show up fully myself, unapologetic of everything that I am. I'm going to say the truth about every question she asks, even though I know she's not going to like the answers. And this is who I am. And if she doesn't like me, then okay, we're just friends or we're not friends. I wasn't expecting to get into a relationship and I wasn't expecting to not, I was kind of expecting not to get in a relationship because of doing this. And the fact that she was so accepting and non-judgmental of who I was or my past or anything. I was like, huh, this feels different. And I didn't like it at first. I liked it, but I was like, dang it, I don't want to like this.

• 38:32Lewis Howes?

  And because I had this expectation to be single. And I just kept saying, I'm going to, I'm going to say the things that I know are true to me. And I'm going to say the things that I want and say the things that most people don't want to hear. And the more I did that, the more accepting she was. And, and I said, okay, this one's going to be the one. If she, after a few months of dating and hanging out, I said, okay, I am not willing to get committed or with you exclusively committed unless we start the relationship in therapy. And I was thinking, this is the kicker. I'm going to finally push her away. She's going to finally say, you're crazy. That's weird. I don't want to do that. That seems like too much work. We're just starting this relationship. Why are you putting this on this? And right away she goes, that sounds exciting. And I was just like, what?

• 39:17Lewis Howes?

  Okay. All right, let's, let's keep following the next step and see what happens then. And by doing that, it created more and more of a container of communication that felt safe and clear. Instead of me expecting her to understand me of my entire history of my life to who I was till now, all the dreams of my future that she was supposed to somehow magically understand me. Every gesture, every word I say, she was supposed to know how to respond. That's an expectation we put on people that is just not possible. And so in the beginning where we had these therapy sessions that created frameworks and structure around how to communicate with each other,

• 40:00Lewis Howes?

  what our fears were, what our concerns were, what we wanted, our desires. It allowed us to come together and align. And it was just a beautiful experience. So this week I want you to try this. I want you to write down the thing you want most right now and exactly how you picture it.

• 40:20Lewis Howes?

  Underneath that thing, I want you to write how you want to feel when you have it. So you want to feel safe. You want to feel inspired, you want to feel free, you want to feel loved, respected, proud, whatever it is. Write it down. That feeling is what you're really after. You're after the feeling of security, you're after the feeling of inspiration, of respect, of pride, of freedom, of abundance. Now I want you to write down three other ways you could get that same feeling without the result that you're looking for in the next year or two. Then this week, I want you to say yes to one invitation you would normally say no to.

• 41:01Lewis Howes?

  So whether it's a coffee, a meeting, an event, a conversation with someone new, whatever it might be, I want you to say yes to it. And you don't need to know where it goes, you don't need to have an expectation. Just stop deciding it's going nowhere before you even show up. And at this point, you might be thinking, well, if I let go of all of these expectations, well, am I just settling, Lewis? Am I just settling for the scraps if I don't set an expectation? Expectation is different than a standard. And that question is the fifth expectation. And it's the reason most people never let go of the other four.

• 41:40Lewis Howes?

  Support for this episode comes from Amazon Business. When it comes to your business, procurement shouldn't be a guessing game. Whether you're running a small business or managing a large organization, Amazon Business offers smart purchasing experiences designed to meet your unique needs. Smart tech, smarter decisions, streamline your buying process, save time and money, and gain valuable insights. Amazon Business empowers you and your team to buy with confidence. Learn more at amazonbusiness.com.

• 42:13Lewis Howes?

  This fall, LL Bean is celebrating the moments people look forward to all year. The first school drop off, the first sweater weather day, and the first chilly evening around the fire pit. For over 100 years, LL Bean has been part of these traditions. Crunching leaves in Maine-made Bean boots, cheering from the sidelines in Scotch plaid flannel, and walking the dog in a rugged field coat. So grab the layers and people you love and get outside. Visit llbean.com to shop the fall collection. LL Bean, be an outsider. So expectation number five. If I stop expecting it, I'll stop getting it.

• 42:59Lewis Howes?

  Why do so many good things show up right after people stop chasing them? You've heard these stories from people. The person who deleted the dating apps and met someone at a friend's birthday the next week. The business owner who walked away from a deal, big deal, and got the call the next week for something better. It might sound like luck. But think about what changes in a person when they actually let go. They relax. So people feel more comfortable around them in every setting of life, friends, family, relationships, career. They stop forcing things. So nobody feels pushed towards doing something for them. They start noticing what's right in front of them.

• 43:43Lewis Howes?

  And they make better decisions because they aren't desperate anymore. And when you let go of the expectation, it gets easier for good things to find you. And letting go doesn't mean you stop desiring or stop wanting something. It doesn't mean you stop working for it or stop showing up for it. You still keep the dream alive. You keep doing the work, you keep showing up. You just stop demanding how it happens, when it happens, and who it comes from. And if the idea of relaxing about your goals makes you nervous, then this one is probably for you. So this week, I want you to try this. I want you to pick the goal that you're holding on to the tightest, whatever that is. You might have a goal in mind you've been thinking about for years and you're like, oh, I really want it to happen.

• 44:29Lewis Howes?

  And I want it to happen in this way, or I need this person to do the deal with me, or I want to get on this show, I want to do this thing, I wanted this career, or whatever it might be. Pick the goal that you're holding on to the tightest. Think about the number you keep checking. Whether it be maybe like, I want to have a certain audience size, you know, your followers aren't growing the certain way you want to. Maybe it's sales, I want to make a certain amount of money. Maybe it's the weight that you're trying to get to on the scale. Maybe it's your inbox, whatever it might be, think about the numbers. And for the next seven days, only look at it once. Pick one day and one time and stick to it.

• 45:13Lewis Howes?

  Every other day, ask yourself one question. Did I do my part today? Did I take the actions I said I would do today consistently to show up for these results that I'm looking for? Yes or no? Knowing your numbers still matters, but checking them every hour just makes the expectation stronger for you. Especially like your health goals, if you're checking every couple, you know, hours a day on the scale. Ah, it's going to make you anxious, it's going to make you nervous, it's going to make you expecting something. Instead of saying, I'm just going to show up and do the game plan of the business goal, the health goal, the financial goal, whatever it is. And you're going to notice at the end of the week that you feel a lot lighter.

• 45:55Lewis Howes?

  And notice what showed up while you weren't staring at the numbers. You didn't have to work on all five of these at once. You just pick one that hits you the hardest and you start there of these expectations. Because letting go of even one expectation can change how your whole life feels. And listen, uh, this is probably something I've had to struggle with the most. I have big goals and I like things being done now. I like getting results now, I like having my goals done yesterday, all this. This is like, I guess, the curse of being someone who's driven to want to achieve things. And I've had to really learn how to let go of that. You know, I was just with my team

• 46:40Lewis Howes?

  doing a little break and we were talking about our goals for the business. And our goal is to reach 100 million lives every single week. And maybe it was in 2018 when we hit 100 million lives total over, I guess, five or six years of launching the podcast. We had reached 100 million lives and impacted 100 million lives total. And then we just said, okay, let's reach, let's try to reach 100 million lives weekly. And since then, it's been eight years, we've never reached that goal of 100 million lives in one week, impacting them. Now, boo hoo and whoa us, we've, you know, impacted tens of millions weekly and that's an amazing thing as well. But we've never reached that goal. And for many years, I was very frustrated by it.

• 47:25Lewis Howes?

  I wanted it faster, it's been eight years now. Years ago, I wanted it faster. I was beating myself up constantly on how I couldn't figure this out or how we as a team couldn't figure this out. And I learned how to let that go a few years ago and just said, no, we're going to let this go. And we're going to show up and just do our best. What can I control right now? How can I be better on every episode? How can I continue to optimize our process? How can we continue to empower our people and make sure they have the tools necessary to succeed on their tasks and their roles as well? And over the last six months, those numbers continue to grow. And we still haven't reached the 100 million life a week goal. But I'm okay with it. It doesn't stress me out anymore.

• 48:09Lewis Howes?

  Sure, I want it, it's something that I would love for all of us to accomplish because if we do it, we're able to impact more people in a positive way to improve the quality of their life. But attaching an expectation and a timeline that it needs to be now only causes more stress on me. And it's a made up timeline, right? It's a made up expectation. And if we don't do it, if I put all my value on accomplishing it or not, then it's not going to be a meaningful existence. It's going to feel like this was all for nothing. So it's focusing on the good of what we're creating now and also what we're looking to gain and create in the future. And letting go of the expectation that needs to be now, that it needs to be done in a certain way

• 48:54Lewis Howes?

  is what is creates more peace and hopefully more creativity and innovation to be able to get there.

• 49:02Lewis Howes?

  So you're allowed to want big things. I'm all for it. Dream big, go for it. This is, this is life. Let's do this. So you're allowed to, to want big things. A love that feels like home, a business that gives you more freedom, a body and your health that you can feel proud of, a life that feels like it's yours on your terms. I'm telling you, want it all, desire it all. This is great. Just stop demanding that it show up on your schedule in the way that you exactly envisioned it or pictured it. From the exact person that you picked. The love of my life showed up when I stopped trying to force it. Literally, my wife showed up when I stopped trying to force it. And it's funny because she's, she always says,

• 49:46Lewis Howes?

  I wish I met you 10 years ago. I wish I met you when we were younger. I wish then we wouldn't have been through all these challenges and relationships. We would have had much more fun together. We'd be farther along than where we are. And I was like, well, listen, Martha, if I met you 10 years ago. And it's funny because we used to both salsa dance at like the same clubs in LA 10 years ago, 15 years ago. And she was like, I wonder if we ever ran into each other. I wonder if we ever saw each other, we're in the same place. And I go, to be honest, I wouldn't have been ready emotionally. Like even if I saw you, I probably would have messed it up. I wasn't ready for it. It's kind of like my mentor said, like money comes to you when you're ready for it. I think love comes to you when you're ready for it as well. Otherwise, sure, you might be in a relationship with them.

• 50:32Lewis Howes?

  You might have good times, but you might also have more struggle than necessary if you haven't learned the lessons yet about yourself. Or it just might be a learning experience in that relationship that causes more challenges. There's no right or wrong here. But I said, listen, I wouldn't have been ready for you emotionally. And I met you at the exact time that I needed to meet you. Where I felt ready, where I felt like I could take on this type of love and relationship in a healthy way. Where I could communicate to you and create boundaries with you instead of give in constantly, like I did in previous relationships. And for me, that's something that I needed to learn in order to be ready for this relationship at this season of life. Sure, if I had those skills 10 years earlier and we met,

• 51:16Lewis Howes?

  life could have been a lot more amazing, who knows? But I wasn't ready for it. All these things will start showing up for you when you stop trying to force them. And I think about how much longer I might have waited if I hadn't let go of certain expectations beforehand. So I want you right now to share with me in the comments, which of these five expectations are you holding on to the tightest? I love to go through all the comments. I love to see from you what that is for you. So again, leave the expectation that you hold on to the most in the comments below. I want you to keep wanting it. I want you to keep working for it. But I want you to let the rest of things go.

• 52:00Lewis Howes?

  Let these expectations go that are holding you back. You can still dream big. You can still desire big. But let go of the timeline. Let go of the expectation. Those are the invisible blocks that are holding you back from the energy you need to have creativity, inspiration and freedom in your day to day life to attract those things faster. The moment you start to let go of expectations, it doesn't mean you let go of the work. You let go of the standard, you keep those things high. You keep them consistent. But the moment you let go of the expectations and you just bring a joy and love to life, the faster those things will come for you.

• 52:44Lewis Howes?

  If you've joined this episode, please like it, leave a comment below as well and subscribe to our channel. And I want to remind you, if no one's told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy and you matter. My friend, I hope you're enjoying this episode right now because we are on a mission to impact 100 million lives every single week. And every follow here on this podcast helps us reach more people. Make sure to hit the follow at the top of this show's page right now. It's the single biggest thing that you can do to support the show and the impact of us reaching you every single time we have new episodes. I appreciate you and I can't wait to see you in the next episode.

• 53:23Lewis Howes?

  I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you of no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy and you matter.

• 54:07Lewis Howes?

  And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

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