This Is Why Emotional People Hijack Conversations

Ever notice how someone else’s bad mood can instantly throw yours off? In this episode, I’m teaching you exactly how to keep negative energy from hijacking your day. You’ll learn the same three tools I use in real time: how to call out the tension in the room, how to separate someone’s tone from the truth in their message, and how to protect your presence instead of trying to fix their problems. If other people’s energy drains you, this episode gives you the reset you’ve been looking for. Order The Next Conversation Workbook: https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/workbook Thank you to our sponsors: Cozy Earth. Upgrade Your Every Day. Get 40% off at cozyearth.com/jefferson or use code JEFFERSON at check out. Fabric by Gerber Life: Apply in minutes at https://meetfabric.com/JEFFERSON BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Order my new book, The Next Conversation, or listen to the full audiobook today. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show! Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter. Join My School of Communication Watch my podcast on YouTube Follow me on Instagram Follow me on TikTok Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid, and risked 350,000 Virginians' health care to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes, and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the HouseMajorityPac.com. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.

• 0:29Jefferson Fisher?

  Today, we are talking how to handle negative energy, that kind of energy that ruins your day, that energy that sticks in your head, that ruins your sleep, that makes you not want to eat. What do you do with it, aside from saying, "Get away from me"? How do you handle negative energy? That's today's episode. You ready? Let's go. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm going to ask that you please follow this podcast, subscribe to it wherever you're listening. And in exchange, I could promise you that by listening and subscribing to these episodes, I'm going to make you a better communicator. Thank you. Today's episode is brought to you by Cozy Earth.

• 1:14Jefferson Fisher?

  One reason I love Cozy Earth, although there are many reasons, is today, their bath sheets. Yeah, bath sheets. They're not just towels. They're actual sheets, about as tall as I am. Does that sound like too much? Maybe, but it's not. They are the best. I like to actually throw them in the dryer, like for a hot second, before I get them out. And it is, it's like heaven for a second. You just, you need that part of the day where it just feels nice. That's what I get. Cozy Earth makes the best bath sheets. Bed sheets, yes, but right now, I'm all about their towels. So if you like hand towels, bath towels, anything like that, and you're at the age that it matters, you need to go check out Cozy Earth. CozyEarth.com/Jefferson. Use the code Jefferson for up to 40% off.

• 1:59Jefferson Fisher?

  That's CozyEarth.com/Jefferson. Use the code Jefferson for 40% off. And now, back to the episode. To me, the number one thing that makes negative energy so harmful is that it physically affects me. It's not just the words. It actually...

• 2:19Jefferson Fisher?

  presses on my emotions and how I feel and all of a sudden I don't want to eat and you know what I'm kind of in a bad mood and I really can't focus and I'm not in a good state of mind to be with the kids and be a good husband and it's just everywhere and you feel like you are just weighted down on it. You ever felt that? I'm going to tell you how I handle negative energy and by the end of today's episode, you're going to know it too. You ready? Number one, you don't absorb it, you call it out. That means we're going to name it out loud. And what's I going to do? It's going to make sure you're able to now control that energy where it's now not just part of you, it's now off of you. There's a buffer that we're going to put in place. Number

• 3:04Jefferson Fisher?

  two, you don't react to the negative energy. You call out the truth, respond to the truth. A lot of the times, people put their words in really bad wrapping paper. The message itself is okay. It's that they just did such an ugly job, a lazy job, putting it and packaging it, that it's not you worth even accepting. That means we're going to send it right back. And number three, protect your presence, not the problem. Whenever you start focusing on the problem, trying to fix them, trying to do everything about them, well, then you've lost your own presence. And that, I'm just not going to tolerate. So that leads me to point number one, that is, don't absorb what

• 3:46Jefferson Fisher?

  they said. Instead, we're going to call it out. You're going to say it out loud. That means when you claim it, you control it, meaning you control your own reactions to it. That's the takeaway there. What does that sound like? That means when there is that situation that it is all of a sudden tense or negative, you can just tell the other person's not doing well. Everything about them just screams ugly. I'm not talking in their face. I just, I mean, like, everything about it is kind of makes you sick. You just, you can tell it's not making you feel good. You want to kind of back away. You want the distance. You can tell it's just negative energy. One of the biggest

• 4:31Jefferson Fisher?

  keys to me of people that are negative energy is because they're looking for other people to infect. They're looking for other people to throw the negative on. They'll throw to anybody that they can. If they're in a bad mood, they want you to have a bad mood. And so it's just this pervasive ripple of, I like how I just did my arms, like, like Angels in the Outfield. That movie, that's an old movie, man. Where you feel like it is pushed out to everybody around. It's not good enough just to contain it. That gives me such a bad mood. And you know what? Sometimes I'm that person. Sometimes it's me that is, let's say, infected with the negative.

• 5:13Jefferson Fisher?

  When I'm in a bad state of mind, when I'm looking glass half empty, when I am not being thankful for what I have, when I've forgotten how I got what I got. And it's not of my own, my own works. And it's not of my own, anything of my own, but of the grace that I've received. All right, when I'm at a place where it is glass half empty, I share that negative energy too. So what do you do with that? Let me put it in a scenario. One time, in one of my early mediations that I had, we were all in a room, opposing attorneys, mediator, the parties, and there's a lot of people at the table. They call this an opening in mediation, where everybody, you know, one side gets to say,

• 5:58Jefferson Fisher?

  well, we think our case is really good, and we think that we're going to settle for this amount, and we demand this. And the other side says, well, you know what? I think your case is absolute garbage, and our case is awesome, and we demand X. And the mediator has to go, okay, thank you, guys, for saying your, speaking your truth. You know, time to go to the other side. It's like a referee at the beginning of a football game or something, or soccer game. They kind of just, all right, shake hands. Okay, you can go to your own sides. Well, in that opening, You could just tell the temperature in the room was starting to rise. People were starting to get upset. And as the temperatures in the room started to rise, I asked a question out loud. I said, is it just me or does this feel tense?

• 6:43Jefferson Fisher?

  All of a sudden, it was like a bubble just popped. Everybody kind of went, oh, no, no. I mean, this isn't, we're not trying to be tense here. Oh, no, we're, you know, we're just explaining. And all of a sudden, the temperature rose down. When you call it out, you're able to take better control of where that energy is coming from. And it starts to lower. So when you feel that negative energy, what I want you to do, call it out. You can say the same thing as me or ask the same thing. This feels tense. This feels heated. This feels negative. This feels like we're having a hard time. I'm feeling some friction from you. Whenever you use those words of whether it's tense, I like tense.

• 7:28Jefferson Fisher?

  I like heated. Or even ask, is this getting heated? What do you think the reaction is? Nobody goes, yes, it is. They all back away and go, no, oh, no, no, it's not. I didn't mean to get, oh, no, I mean, I'm just explaining my, that's what I'm talking about. You're going to calm that negative, negative energy down and send it away where it belongs. Number two, don't react to the tone of what they said. React to the truth. To me, when people say ugly things, there are, there are two different sides of it. There are people who the words are ugly and the delivery is ugly. I would say the vast majority are that we react to.

• 8:12Jefferson Fisher?

  The words are okay. There might be some truth in it, but it's the way they said it and was packaged was ugly. The, the, the truth of it is somewhat there, but they've packaged it and just crumpled old newspaper. Like they, they actually didn't want to try whatsoever. And so they, they say, here, accept this. This is my negative energy. You know what? Yeah, that's fine. I don't really want to go, whatever it is. When that happens to the negative energy, you're going to send it right back by having them repeat it. How? By having them repeat it. It's very similar to how I recommend handling insults. See, they can't repackage it in the same way again, when you ask them to repeat it.

• 8:56Jefferson Fisher?

  For example, if you were to, I asked you a question and you go, no, I mean, that's fine. I mean, I guess if you really want to, something passive aggressive. And I were to say, I need you to say that again. They can't say it the same way. They can't say it the same way. Then they just look terrible. They're not gonna, they're not gonna press record and play as if they just verbatim what they just said. Instead, they're gonna tweak it. They're gonna send it right back. And if it sounds still negative, say, um, no, I, I, I need it better, please. Or even, you don't have to say please if you don't want to, depending on who it is. But it's, it's, I needed you to say that again. I need you to repeat that. You're trying to find the, the actual truth to what they said, rather than reacting to the tone.

• 9:42Jefferson Fisher?

  Separating the two makes a big difference. Before we keep going, I'm going to take a second to tell you about Fabric by Gerber Life. You know, what gives me peace of mind is knowing that if something were to ever happen to me, my family, I know they're gonna be taken care of. That's what insurance, life insurance is really all about. Making sure that the people that depend on me also have peace of mind. Fabric by Gerber Life is term life insurance you can get done today. Made for busy parents like you, like me, all online, on your schedule, right from your couch. You could be covered in less than 10 minutes with no health exam required. And now is the time to lock in low rates. Even if you have coverage through work, it may not be enough.

• 10:26Jefferson Fisher?

  And it may not follow you if you choose to leave that job. Fabric makes it simple. Flexible, high-quality policies that fit your family and your budget, like a million dollars in coverage for less than a dollar a day. And they've partnered with Gerber Life, trusted by millions of families for over 50 years. Join thousands of parents who trust Fabric to help protect their family. Apply today in just minutes at meetfabric.com/jefferson. That's meetfabric.com/jefferson. Policies issued by Western Southern Life Assurance Company. Not available in certain states. Prices subject to underwriting and health questions. And now, let's get back to the episode. And number three, protect your presence. Not the problem.

• 11:10Jefferson Fisher?

  When people are sending out negative energy, we often have this habit of trying to focus on them, where everything we think about is the problem, and we worry about it, and we stress about it, because we want to fix their negative energy. Stop it. You cannot control another person's mood. You cannot make somebody happier. That is their choice. Sure, you can say things. You might give something, you might spend some time. That can help affect it, but you do not make the choice for them. There is not a button, there is not a phrase, there's not a switch that you can give

• 11:55Jefferson Fisher?

  that is going to magically change somebody's mood. If there was, we'd all have a lot less problems in the world, Amyah. What I'm saying is, whenever somebody's giving that negative energy to you, don't focus on, "Oh, I have to fix them, and there's nothing I can do," and it gets wrapped up to where you're draining all of your mental energy on that. You're draining your mental energy. I get that way sometimes when, let's say, this is a way to relate this thought. I'm somebody that, once I get on a project, let's say I'm putting together some shelves, or I recently was migrating some files

• 12:39Jefferson Fisher?

  between Outlook and Gmail or something, and I am in the weeds on something, I have to see it through. I mean, I gotta finish it. I don't like an unfinished task. I need to be able to see it through. So if I'm putting together shelves, you kind of just get in this tunnel vision of like, "Don't ask me anything. I'm in this. All I want is to do it," and I can't put it down. I have a hard time putting it down, even if it's like dinnertime, maybe, or it's time to eat or take a snack. You don't want to do it. Nope, I'm in the zone. We do that a lot with people that have negative energy. We focus all of our attention on it, so much so that we forget the happiness that is happening in our own day. We forget the positive that is right there in front of us.

• 13:24Jefferson Fisher?

  We forget the gifts that are right there for ours. Should we just stop and look and seek for it? If you seek it, it will be there. To see my child trying to have...

• 13:38Jefferson Fisher?

  Affection towards me in that moment, rather than me being so locked in on finishing that the show as I go in the bathroom, anything like that. It's it's you dropping it to where it's not focused solely on the problem. Instead, you are making sure that your mind acknowledges the negative energy, but it neither matches it nor tries to attach to it. That's the difference. That's how you handle the negative energy. Today, we learned one, you're not going to absorb it, you're going to call it out, meaning you're going to say something like, this feels tense. This feels like it's getting heated. This feels really negative. I'm getting negative vibes

• 14:18Jefferson Fisher?

  from you. Naturally, it just all of a sudden has the opposite effect. It calls it out. And the negative hates sunlight. It hates it. It runs from it. Number two, whenever you feel like somebody is trying to put their words in a bad package, send it right back. You don't have to accept it. Just return to sender. I need you to say that again. I need you to say that again. Number three, respond to what you know is your truth. Respond to your peace. Focus on your peace, not the problem. Whenever your mind is on their negative energy and trying to fix them all the

• 14:58Jefferson Fisher?

  time, you are missing what's right in front of you. And my guess is those are much more beautiful moments. Alright, so you can try that and follow me.

• 15:09Speaker 00

  Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid, and risked 350,000 Virginians' healthcare to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes, and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the HouseMajorityPac.com, not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.