378. Your guide to surviving the dating apps in your 20s

One minute it’s exciting, the next it’s endless options, half-conversations, and the dismissive feeling of being judged (or ignored) by people who don’t actually know you. In this episode, we’re getting into seven tips for surviving dating apps in your 20s, while looking at what they’re designed to do, why they can leave you feeling burnt out, and how to use them in a way that protects your confidence rather than draining it. We explore: • How dating apps are designed to be addictive • The rules to stick by to keep your sense of self • The importance of a clear and honest profile • Why they’re not a replacement for meeting in real life • Why you shouldn’t take anything personally • How to take a step back to avoid burnout If you’re in a cycle of deleting and redownloading Hinge every few weeks, this episode is for you. ORDER MY BOOK https://www.psychologyofyour20s.com/copy-of-book Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg https://www.instagram.com/jemmasbeg/?hl=en# Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/?hl=en# For business: [email protected] mailto:[email protected] The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist. See omnystudio.com/listener https://omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:33Jemma Sbeg?

  This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over 14 years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy. All of their stuff just looks good on and it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is, lifting, cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing errands. Discover Gymshark and find your new favorite gym clothing at gymshark.com. Hey, question, are you an Extra Care member at CVS? Because there is literally no reason not to be.

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• 2:21Jemma Sbeg?

  Hello everybody, I'm Jemma Sbeg and welcome back to The Psychology of Your 20s, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology.

• 2:40Jemma Sbeg?

  Before we get into it, I want to let you guys know that this episode and The Psychology of Your 20s is now on Netflix. That is a wild thing to say, but it is true. If you want to watch the video version of this podcast and you are in the US or Canada, you can go to Netflix right now, look up The Psychology of Your 20s and you will see my face and you will see our podcast. It goes without saying, it is such an honour and I'm truly so grateful to you all that you have given me this opportunity. The entire feel, the vibe is incredible. I think it's so personal, it brings a whole new element to it.

• 3:22Jemma Sbeg?

  And if you want to feel like you are sitting in your living room, in my living room, with me, having a chat, now is your opportunity. Go to Netflix, look up The Psychology of Your 20s. I'd love to see you over there. But without further ado, let's get into the episode. Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it's so great to have you here, back for another episode as we break down the psychology of our twenties. So this is something that I've been asked about so many times over the years that honestly, countless times, I've lost count. I've asked it myself. When I was dating, the question that me and my friends would always talk about was like,

• 4:07Jemma Sbeg?

  how in the world are you meant to find dating enjoyable? When?

• 4:14Jemma Sbeg?

  Dating apps seem to be the only way to date. No one's meeting in person anymore. The meet cute is dead. People meeting through friends is like a faraway fantasy. How do you operate in that system when you're still a hopeless romantic? But the dating apps just feel so pointless when you want your love story. But it's like, I've been at this for a while. When is, when is it gonna be me? How do we survive the dating apps? When again, it feels like the only option left, despite knowing deep down, it's basically turned dating into a game. This is something, as I said, a lot of my friends are going through right now. Even our researcher Libby is dealing with this pessimism.

• 4:57Jemma Sbeg?

  Even the phrase dealing with, like, that's very indicative of the type of conversations we've been having. But she was in London the other day, we were having dinner and she raised this really crucial point. The dating apps don't want you to win, regardless of like the catchy taglines designed to be deleted, whatever it is, like, they're a business. They want you swiping for as long as possible, the same way social media apps want you scrolling for as long as possible. Because of this, because of this system they're set into, a business system. I think I've noticed a lot more people experiencing what I call dating burnout because of how the apps are structured. Like, it's so exhausting that people are kind of giving up hope.

• 5:41Jemma Sbeg?

  I actually saw a really interesting article titled, What I Wish I Knew Before Dating at Twenty, by this guy called Aiden. And in the article, he talks about how what the apps base our choices off of, who they show us, who they think we'll like, is actually completely shallow. We put so much trust in these algorithms, but you know, to be in a long-term relationship, if that's what you're after, you have to be really open-minded, you have to be curious, you have to be able to navigate conflict, you have to have similar values, you have to be kind, you have to be interested in aligning your life paths. But, you know, the things that get assessed on Hinge, on Tinder, on Bumble are just completely opposite to any of that.

• 6:25Jemma Sbeg?

  They ask you, you know, what's your height? What's your star sign? Give me as many hot and interesting pictures of or funny pictures of you as you can find. Then they overwhelm you with choice so that anyone who actually is good gets drowned out if they don't immediately capture attention through very shallow means. They also get overwhelmed back and so they never message you back that everybody's getting ghosted like. You know, those educational videos is going to be so different to what I was just talking about, but you know, those educational videos were like. The sperm is like getting to the egg and it's like this race of like. And it's meant to show you like when you're in high school, how slim your chances were and. How competitive it was and how lucky and rare it is to be alive.

• 7:10Jemma Sbeg?

  That is genuinely what I think it feels like being on the dating apps these days. It feels like your chances of meeting somebody is like you're in a race with these thousands of other potentials and you want to make the match. I know that sounds very doom and gloom and we're being very pessimistic about dating apps, but. Despite all that, like I do still think they work. I met my partner on Hinge. A lot of my friends have met their partners on Hinge. They work if you have. A strategy and I think that they, my friends have found success for some very specific reasons. That people can copy. There is a specific mindset you have to have when you enter the dating app realm.

• 7:53Jemma Sbeg?

  That I think is going to ensure your success more than if you just go in there randomly. And that is exactly what I'm going to share with you today. Those very tips for being successful in the dating apps. Without further ado. Let's jump into them. Let's see how we're going to survive. This kind of new dating system that we all operate in. Stay with us.

• 8:21Jemma Sbeg?

  Let's not waste any time here. Let's get right into tip number one. If you want to be better at surviving, managing the dating apps, you need to. Number one, understand the psychology behind why and how dating apps work. And specifically how they make money. This will transform your relationship to the platform and by changing your relationship to the platform. This will change the relationships that you have on them. I said it before, I think dating apps aren't designed to be effective. They're designed to be addictive. They deliberately give this impression that the perfect relationship can be discovered rather than made and built.

• 9:05Jemma Sbeg?

  And they do this by providing us with all these matches and all this arbitrary information, essentially convincing you that like your job right now is to pick. You've just got to pick and you've got to make sure it's the best one. They're manufactured to sell you this narrative that you're kind of always one swipe away from someone better than the person before. You're always one swipe away from the one. And that keeps you picking up the phone again and again, because love is like such a delicious promise all of us want it. And it means that we carry on the search despite sometimes matching with people that are like really nice and people that we really click with.

• 9:48Jemma Sbeg?

  But the possibility of more that is offered by this like endless kind of vacuum of people means that we don't always prioritize those people. Means that actually the level of choice ends up being suffocating. Actually, there is this really interesting two thousand and twelve article from the researcher Eli Finkel and, and also their colleagues. And they look at how online dating, because of how many choices they offer, actually reduces three dimensional people, four dimensional, five dimensional people, these, it reduces our robust personhood into a two dimensional display of information or a two dimensional character.

• 10:30Jemma Sbeg?

  This actually reduces how good we are at choosing who we'd click with. Dating apps promote this assessment oriented mindset where we kind of fall into the role of, of assessor and maybe unintentionally objectify potential partners. And if we start viewing someone as an object rather than as a real, living, breathing, feeling human, that is the danger. It actually reduces the likelihood that we want to commit to even getting to know that person because to us, we're seeing so many people constantly, it just lose all dimension. In studies, researchers have found that people often

• 11:12Jemma Sbeg?

  Reject those on dating apps that in person they would psychologically be most compatible with. And they do that for really, really small things, like they had too many pictures with their friends. I didn't like his shirt. She had two selfies instead of one. And we do this, and we've all done this, we do this because we have so many choices on dating apps. We have to come up with these like silly arbitrary shallow little rules just so that we can process such a vast amount of information. We actually end up eliminating lots of really good matches because those rules, they don't make any sense. They're just us trying to figure out the system.

• 11:52Jemma Sbeg?

  All of this is gamifying the mechanics of dating, which makes it both unproductive to begin with because we don't even really make good choices, but also addictive because it is unproductive. A huge reason dating apps are addictive is because they provide intermittent unpredictable reward, which is essentially the principle behind operant conditioning, which is the principle behind gambling. Your brain learns pretty fast when rewards aren't guaranteed versus when they are, which is why when it's unsure, it stays much longer. Its attention is much more hooked because of anticipation.

• 12:36Jemma Sbeg?

  We know that most swipes lead to nothing, but sometimes you get a match. And occasionally you get a really good match with somebody you really, really like. That keeps you hooked. In the literature on operant conditioning, unpredictable rewards are exactly the kind that keep behaviour going the longest, even longer than predictability, even longer than knowing when you're going to receive a reward for a certain behaviour. So this is what's happening. You keep coming back time and time again just because there's a chance. There's a chance that you're going to find someone you actually like or who is attractive or who piques your interest.

• 13:17Jemma Sbeg?

  But dating apps as well, there's always this comparison to gambling. I feel like it's, we've talked about it so many times.

• 13:25Jemma Sbeg?

  They also add something that gambling doesn't, which is a layer of social evaluation. I think this is really critical. A match is great. It isn't just a reward, though. It's not like money. It's also about the social element. It's the feeling of being wanted. Money is great. Being chosen is better. A 2016 study published in Mobile Media and Communication conducted a survey to look at the motives behind why people use Tinder specifically. And what they found was that a lot of the time, men reported using Tinder for sex, for hookups, for seeking relationships. Women, on the other hand, reported using it for friendship, actually,

• 14:10Jemma Sbeg?

  but also for self-validation. Friendship aspect, a little bit confused by, kind of surprised me. Like, I can't say I've ever made a friend from Tinder, much less somebody I've wanted to know for longer than an afternoon. But the self-validation point, I think, didn't surprise me at all. If the app becomes a place, you know you can go to get validation when you're feeling bad about yourself or in need of reassurance, where it's a place you can go when you know you're gonna get a swipe, you know you're gonna get a match, you know it's gonna make you feel better, that validation is one of the most, oh my god, intoxicating things

• 14:49Jemma Sbeg?

  ever. It can train you through like, through like pure biology to start compulsively checking.

• 14:58Jemma Sbeg?

  Let's be honest, dating apps weren't set up out of the good of someone's heart, right? They are businesses. They are businesses at the end of the day. And that doesn't automatically make them evil. Of, of course not. You know, businesses can create things that are genuinely helpful. But when you understand the incentives underneath the design, the choice overload, the emotional levers being pulled, the intermittent reinforcement, I think it helps us to maybe...

• 15:26Jemma Sbeg?

  Distance ourselves a little bit and go a little bit slower. Maybe match with fewer people, maybe concentrate our time on being intentional about our method rather than just endlessly swiping. Understanding how the apps make money is just essential. This is a part that I haven't even spoken on yet, but most major dating apps run on what what they call a freemium model. So a freemium model is basically where most people are gonna off are gonna use the basic free version, but then there are some people who are gonna pay to upgrade and they're the ones holding the whole system together.

• 16:07Jemma Sbeg?

  Paying to upgrade means that the app isn't working well enough for you on the basic level. It means that you're not getting enough matches, you're not getting enough attention. And that means that there is an incentive financially for apps like Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, to not give you a good service because otherwise they wouldn't be able to upgrade. And there are all these financial reports from Match.com, who owns a lot of those, that actually show a lot of their revenue comes from low dollar transactions. People who are choosing to upgrade for three dollars, five dollars, because they think it's worth it.

• 16:50Jemma Sbeg?

  When you feel like you're getting nowhere, when you're frustrated, you're gonna pay to make it easier for yourself. Again, reverse logic. If you know you make money when your users are frustrated because they'll need a premium service, why would you not design the app to be frustrating? If your objective is money. And I know that sounds all very like, oh my god, conspiracy theory, but the math, like the the data is right there, they make so much money off of this. Why would they design it to be amazing? Why would they design it for everybody to meet their soulmate within one swipe? It would it would their their business model would be kaput. I think, though, when you know this and when you know that the apps are playing a game

• 17:33Jemma Sbeg?

  with our emotions, playing a game with our vulnerable moments, you can play them back. And that kind of brings me naturally into tip number two. These apps operate on a sense of lawlessness and just like ambiguity and uncertainty. That is why you have to have rules, very clear rules for yourself for how to approach them. This, these rules that you determine will obviously depend on who you are and they will change from person to person. But I cannot stress enough firstly outlining what it is you actually want from the app. Before you start swiping, are you looking for a relationship? Are you looking for something casual? The moment that you start to

• 18:19Jemma Sbeg?

  kind of swing away from that goal or lose touch with that goal. I need you to take a, take a break. Especially if you're looking for a long-term relationship and you're ending up in all these small relationships. It just shows that you're being overwhelmed such that you are not in touch with your true desire anymore. Design your interactions with the app to best suit your desired outcome. If you want a relationship, if you want something casual, if you're not sure. How you approach it is going to determine what you get from the situation. When we get a bit fed up and fatigued with swiping or liking or getting nowhere. We definitely develop this scarcity mindset that pushes us into making pretty poor decisions. This has happened to me. I remember like the dating apps were so exhausting back in the day, like

• 19:03Jemma Sbeg?

  that I decided to lower my standards and accept lesser treatment. Or accept people in that like I had no future with. And that's not, and that wasn't conducive to like the kind of relationship goals that I have. Dating apps are uniquely brilliant at creating what I'd call emotional loose threads. This is like half conversations, maybe plans, ghost chats, people who pop back up every three weeks, like a fricking haunted Victorian child and those loose threads add to a big cognitive load. Like there is this vague stress following us around everywhere. Because we've like poured a little bit of energy into all these people and we're kind of, we can't keep track of them. Where?

• 19:49Jemma Sbeg?

  Where is that energy going? Like, we cannot sustain that forever. Each one of those, almost maybe little things, is taxing. So when you put your rules in place, you protect that energy from, from, I don't know, from the clutter. I think we all need better dating app hygiene. Like, do not leave your matches unattended or unanswered, like dirty dishes or leftover food. If you're not going to touch it in the next twelve to twenty four hours, you're not going to want it in two days or two months.

• 20:24Jemma Sbeg?

  Unmatch. Give them their time back. Give yourself your time back. Like, clean up after yourself. These are the specific rules. I know I've kind of talked about this very abstractly. The specific rules that I think you should instigate, take it or leave it. Rule number one.

• 20:40Jemma Sbeg?

  When you match with somebody, either of you have twenty four hours to message, otherwise you unmatch. Simple. This shows, like, if somebody is interested, if you're interested enough, you will, you will reach out. You will make contact. If not, no hard feelings. Like, this is the, you know, that's, that scene in, like, The Blind Side, where it's like, if you don't like it in the store, you're not going to like it at home? Same with the dating apps. If you don't like them at the first impression, you're not going to change your mind in two days. And if you do change your mind, it's going to be because you're bored. And that's not fair for anybody.

• 21:15Jemma Sbeg?

  Twenty four hours, unmatch. Another rule, similar to that one. If they've stopped replying, literally hit them up with like a, hey, where did you go? Kind of message in like a kind, funny way. If they don't respond to that message, unmatch twelve hours, twenty four hours, especially if you've been messaging pretty consistently up until that point. We, again, we are at stage one of the dating process. There is no room for potential. There is only room for facts. Like, if they can't come through right now, no, no, no. A similar version of this, one of my friends actually has this rule where if they haven't met up within a week, I think it is, a week and a half, or there isn't a concrete plan made to meet within that next week, then she unmatches.

• 21:59Jemma Sbeg?

  It turns out that a lot of the research into successful use of dating apps backs this method up. Studies suggest that modality switching, basically moving from online to offline interactions, is really beneficial. And it actually means that people are going to have more fun or enjoy their dating experience more. Whereas online chatting for extended periods of time actually increases a sense of idealization, it inflates expectations, and it also increases the risk of disappointment because you've built up a whole fantasy without proof.

• 22:39Jemma Sbeg?

  So setting that timeline to talk within 24 hours, to expect replies within 24 hours, to meet within a week, or whatever your timeline is, protects you from creating this parasocial fantasy attachment to someone who, at this stage, is just a string of photos. It's just like, all you know about them is their texting style and a few things that they've sent over message. Another rule that I personally think everyone should abide by is to actually limit your swipes. I know like Hinge and Tinder already do this, but like to limit it to five a day, five like, yes, I like them kind of matches.

• 23:20Jemma Sbeg?

  Or to definitely not swipe on anybody you think, hey, I might have to change that about them if I want to be with them long term. Or like, oh, I'm not quite sure, but maybe I'll give them a chance. No chances. You, if you would not date them as they are now, do not match them. Like, do not even consider it for potential. If someone says on their profile, and this is what I mean, it's not like, oh, I'm not sure because I don't like their shirt, like we were talking about before. I mean, like, if someone says on their profile, like, they're looking for short term and you're looking for long term. I'm sorry, they're off limits. If someone smokes and you hate smoking, they're off limits. No matter how attractive you find them, please know that this is not a challenge. It is a mismatch and it is a recipe for disappointment.

• 24:06Jemma Sbeg?

  If you go for someone who you know isn't going to match what you want in a partner. Potential is a trap in these situations. It's the biggest trap we fall into because it creates pseudo-investment before you've even met. It also keeps you in this low-grade scarcity mindset, thinking like, "Oh, maybe they have potential. Maybe this is the best I can do." The whole point of dating is a mutual fit, not to be their life coach, not to mold somebody into who you want them to be. So to summarize, tip number two, create digital and emotional boundaries around how you pursue or are pursued on dating apps.

• 24:50Jemma Sbeg?

  And keep it really neat and tidy, clean up after yourself, keep it clutter-free. Okay, we're gonna take another short break here, but when we return, I have even more tips for you, plus a guide to how to meet people in person that I've seen be very successful with some of my friends. So stay with us.

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• 25:45Jemma Sbeg?

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• 26:23Jemma Sbeg?

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• 27:06Jemma Sbeg?

  that have made me more intentional and meant that I make smarter decisions day to day about what I need, rather than just putting my foot on the gas and just going, going, going, going. New members can try Whoop with a 30-day free trial before committing to a membership. That's join.whoop.com/psychology for your free month of Whoop. Who out here shops at CVS? Most of you, right? Well, if you're not signed up for Extra Care, you need to fix that because when you are, you get extra big deals. These are limited-time offers you can find in-store or in the app. And it's where being an Extra Care member pays off. So sign up now. If you're already shopping there, it's a no-brainer. If you're not, well, you need to do something about that as well. Signing up couldn't be easier.

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• 28:30Jemma Sbeg?

  Okay, we are back. Tip number three, talking about dating app guidelines. I'm always of the belief that you should make the first move. I don't care about rules. I don't care about what roles men or women or people should play or dynamics or whatever it is. I just think rule number six, less coy, more forwardness. There's this really annoying thing that we see a lot in modern dating is, which is that like, nobody wants to come off as being too keen. But actually being proactive and being the first one to to move, to make that move, often restores a lot of agency and makes it feel less impossible that you're gonna meet somebody.

• 29:15Jemma Sbeg?

  I think the worst thing that a dating app can do is make you feel passive, make you feel like you're waiting around for like, someone to come across you and to select you, or for the algorithms to serve you up somebody that you actually like. That powerlessness is not the attitude or the feeling you wanna have. When you see someone you like, open the door for them. The key thing here is that making the first move does not mean doing all of the emotional labor. Open the door, see if they follow your lead, see if they walk through it. But don't let it set the precedent that you're going to do everything. I just think it's like a really great first start.

• 30:00Jemma Sbeg?

  If they don't match the intention and they don't ask you questions or ask you whether you wanna meet up and about plans, then I just don't simply think they're worth it. If you've been the one to reach out, you know, you've made it as easy as possible for them to pick up on the momentum. And if they don't, the harsh truth is that they're simply just not that into you, or just don't have the same capacity for conversation as you do for whatever reason. That's when you apply that other rule that we have, unmatched. But rule number three, a quick one, I would say always reach out first. My fourth tip is to make your profile super clear and honest. If you're gonna survive the dating apps, give as much information as possible.

• 30:44Jemma Sbeg?

  Overcome some of those choice overload barriers that other people are experiencing, that they're experiencing when they're looking at your profile, somebody else's profile. Make yourself stand out in a really specific way. I actually had a bit of a formula back in the day for how my profile should be set up. I had this conversation with a dating coach, actually on the podcast, and she explained how she'd set up the profiles of her single clients on dating apps. So let's assume you're using Hinge. The photos she recommended you use were one close up, one full body, one with your friends, one doing a hobby or like something you love, and one conversation starter.

• 31:28Jemma Sbeg?

  So like your dog or like a meme or like a picture of like a broken foot. I don't know, like this is the hook. This is the picture that somebody can be like, ah, I'm gonna grab on to this. This is a conversation starter. And she said it should always be the last picture. So you kind of know like, hey, if someone has responded to this picture, they've swiped all the way through. Like obviously they like what they see, they've made it to the end. For questions, for prompts, for info. Firstly, be like super clear about your intentions. I feel like that goes without saying. Just be as open and honest as you can be. Secondly, choose the most open-ended prompts that you can.

• 32:12Jemma Sbeg?

  The god tier Hinge prompt, and I believe it always has been this, is, "Together we could." "Together we could," best Hinge prompt. Insert your answer, something sincere that shows off your true intentions, but is also funny. One of my friends had like, "Together we could get matching tattoos." Your choice first, like you choose. Which I love because she's like, she's a little wild, she's looking for something long term. She's like very lovingly, the most intense person you'll ever meet. She has a tattoo with her now boyfriend. And the responses that she would get were like amazing. Cause it was such a fun conversation starter, but it also showed intentions. The other good prompts are I geek out on and then add your response and then a little bit about you.

• 32:56Jemma Sbeg?

  And the easiest one is like, you should leave a comment if. Open endedness in these situations is rewarded greatly. And on an app or a platform that is designed for first impressions and wants you to make instantaneous decisions. Give people a reason to pause, give people a reason to think a little bit more about, about you. Now, what I don't mean by saying this is like, try and make your profile as appealing to absolutely everybody as possible. I want you to niche down. What you should do instead is make it representative, but also make it very specific. Who are you as a person? How would people describe you?

• 33:35Jemma Sbeg?

  Like, if I could tell, like, if I could maybe crack like your social security code or like your social security questions from your Hind profile or your Tinder profile, you've done a great job. Think of your profile not as a resume, but as a filter for people applying for you. Even include some of your deal breakers on there if you'd like. Like that leave a comment one, that's a great one to kind of like see if someone aligns on your values. Like leave a comment if you prefer an alcohol free first date. Leave a comment if you have no desire to go camping. Leave a comment if your mom is the first person you're gonna call after our first date. I love that one. It's a filter again for them applying to you.

• 34:18Jemma Sbeg?

  Also, and I feel like this goes without saying, use better photos. And if you wanna be successful on the dating apps, get your friends to choose your photos for you. And then get them to arrange them for you as well. Like get them to choose every single photo. Trust me, this is honestly one of the things I did. And it's the tip that I give people the most frequently. I'm not an expert, like, meeting somebody on a dating app doesn't make me an expert, obviously, but I will say, my profile was always the most successful when I let my friends put it together and choose my pictures for me. Why? Because I think we often don't perceive ourselves in the most flattering or realistic

• 35:03Jemma Sbeg?

  way. And the photos we choose, I've often found this reflect countless unconscious reflections on insecurities that we've had for years. I remember one of my friends looking through my hinge once and being like, every single one of these photos, you're only showing the left side of your face. And like, you don't have a single body photo. These photos all look the same and they genuinely were like the exact same photo, just in a different font. And I hadn't even realised. This is called, in psychology, unconscious impression management. And it's the ways we try to control how we're perceived without even realising it, mainly due to our own self-objectification and our own self-monitoring.

• 35:46Jemma Sbeg?

  It's like the same principle behind why people body check or people always gravitate towards certain colours or types of clothes or they don't smile with all their teeth displayed, weird things like that. We all do them, by the way, we all do them. Dating apps, this is like one of the only times in life where we really get to choose how we're going to be perceived. That sounds like great news, but also at times it can mean projecting someone when not and actually projecting a version of us that is worse than who we actually are because we're trying to hide insecurities that other people don't even notice, other people love about us.

• 36:26Jemma Sbeg?

  So get your friends to choose your dating app photos, get them to arrange them, even just give them like a selection of like thirty or forty. And you just see the difference, it's insane. Okay, tip number five, probably my favorite tip of them all. Don't stop meeting people in real life. Dating apps work as a tool for meeting people. They shouldn't be your only solution for romantic interaction. I've noticed online a lot of discourse around how people are now leaving the dating apps in like drows for in-person meetups, for speed dating nights, for dating trivia nights,

• 37:08Jemma Sbeg?

  simply because it's absolutely exhausting to do all that work and never actually meet people. In the UK specifically, in the UK specifically, there was an online report that documented how there have been major declines in the usage of dating apps like Tinder, Hinge and Bumble compared to the previous year. There was also a 2025 study done by researchers in Germany who basically interviewed all these people and found really high signs of dating app fatigue, with a lot of participants feeling like they were really worn down by repetitive interactions, by unclear intentions, by how emotional it was to just have all these like

• 37:50Jemma Sbeg?

  like these tiny mini connections with people that went nowhere. I honestly think a lot of people are mainly sick of like the transactional nature of it all. It's like all trends or all cultural phenomena, there's always a counterculture. After a while, after things have kind of settled or been the norm for a bit, there's always gonna be like this point where people are like, oh wait, that thing we had before was actually really, really good. Like, that thing, the way that we were operating before this wasn't all that bad. Let's go back there for a little bit. Everything in our lives has turned into something of convenience, efficiency. We can get literally every emotion at our fingertips.

• 38:31Jemma Sbeg?

  We can get humor, validation, anger, now supposedly love at our fingertips. And I think people are getting fed up with our dating lives turning into like another form of Uber Eats or another form of gambling. It's the same reason why I think there's been a resurgence, you know, platonically in like eighties and nineties club activities, like run clubs, book clubs, cinema clubs, outdoor clubs. I'm sure we're gonna be doing Tupperware clubs any, like in the next three months. I'm envisioning it as a trend on TikTok.

• 39:05Jemma Sbeg?

  Honestly, it's a great place to meet people. If you're committed to meeting someone in real life, choose one kind of like mixed gender, social-based activity and be there weekly. Or choose a night of the week where you're like, this is my dating night. I will be going out and I will be meeting people. Trivia nights are another good one. Supper nights. I actually have a really funny story about this. I've obviously just moved to London. I'm in a very happy relationship, but I'm like looking for friends. And so I was like looking up supper clubs and I found this random supper club. It was like Geese Supper Club or something. And I was like, oh, that seems really fun. Geese, you know, they go and they have these dinners. And I was like, I love to go out for dinner. So I bought me and my best friend, who was also in a relationship, a ticket.

• 39:50Jemma Sbeg?

  And we like get this email and it's like, are you ready to meet your soulmate? And I was like, oh, this is a dating night. So we did end up going, but there's so many of those. Check, check these guys out. I think their next event might have two free seats because unfortunately we can't make it. But another way to do this supper clubs trivia, I've already said those, but start giving people your number. Do it, I'm serious. Take it as rejection therapy. If they reject you, you win because you realize it's not a big deal and you'll continue to thrive and be brave. If, you know, they do say yes, great, you've got a date. I was at the pub the other, the other night and someone gave this girl his number.

• 40:35Jemma Sbeg?

  And me and my friend were watching this interaction and we were like, his friends, it was kind of this weird sitting where we could see what was happening, but she couldn't see what was happening behind her. And his friends were like hyping him up, like they were like pushing him to do it. And then she was blushing and it was just really, he was blushing. It was, that was just like romance right there. Get your number printed on some business cards, give them out. You have nothing to lose. Also, ask your friends to set you up, especially your friends with boyfriends or girlfriends or partners because, guess what? Guess what those partners have? They have single friends of their own. And let's be real, everyone has the dream of dating best friends or at least close friends.

• 41:19Jemma Sbeg?

  They will be like, they will be on it like Vegemite on toast. Like as soon as my single girlfriends are like, I wanna meet somebody, Tom's friends are getting interrogated, I'm going through his recent texts like to remind myself who our eligible bachelors are, a date is being planned, mark my words. I've also seen success with like speed dating meetups as well. Or there is this one club in London that I love, the woman who runs it is so cool and it's called Scouting for Sexies where they go around London pubs and like hang out with the girls, but also chat up guys I think are cute for the fun of it, for the vibes. And like with their friends, this is the energy we're bringing, these are the spaces

• 42:03Jemma Sbeg?

  we wanna be in when dating apps are exhausting. I think meeting people in person just gets rid of that first layer of bullshit, if I'm being honest. Like it's one less layer of pretense. You get like a much richer sense of who someone is in person, you know, whether there's that warmth, that humor. Just seeing what their energy is like. And you've also already cleared like the first three barriers that dating apps usually put up as well. You know, having to match, having to talk, having to make plans. You skip all that, you're already on stage four. And just that shared context as well can make closeness feel much more natural, much quicker.

• 42:44Jemma Sbeg?

  Cause there's less pressure to perform. If you're serious about surviving the dating apps, I think my message here is don't become dependent on them. Don't let their dominance limit how you think people meet and fall in love because there are still offline love stories, I promise you. Yours could very easily be the next one. I'm sensing it. Okay, we're gonna take one more short break, but when we return, I have two final tips for you, so stay with us.

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• 43:50Jemma Sbeg?

  This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over 14 years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know, they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy. All of their stuff just looks good on, and it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is. Lifting, cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing errands. Discover Gymshark and find your new favorite gym clothing at gymshark.com.

• 44:27Jemma Sbeg?

  I've been really trying to prioritize my health in a realistic way this year, and something that has kept me really motivated is my Whoop. I am such a data person, which is why I love Whoop, because I can genuinely see why my body feels differently depending on the day, why I'm running differently, why I'm maybe less focused. Whoop effortlessly tracks my sleep, it tracks my strain, my recovery, my stress, and most importantly, my overall health. And it just gives me all that data and all those patterns so I can make better decisions, which includes knowing when to go easy and knowing when to go hard. New members can try Whoop with a 30-day free trial before committing to a membership. That's join.whoop.com/psychology for your free month of Whoop.

• 45:12Jemma Sbeg?

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• 45:57Jemma Sbeg?

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• 46:16Jemma Sbeg?

  This is probably my least practical tip of all, but my most important. Tip number six, take absolutely nothing personally, nothing. Commit to being as stoic as possible about the losses. Dating apps generate, again, an extraordinary amount of ambiguous social feedback. It might be a match who never replies and you assume that that says something about you or someone who's really enthusiastic and then you go on one date, you never hear from them again, even though you thought it went really well. And this ambiguity is naturally very confusing for our minds. That kind of doesn't know where to store that information. It doesn't know what that situation meant.

• 46:58Jemma Sbeg?

  So we fill in the blanks with the most egocentric answers possible. The one, the answer that puts our actions and our words at the centre. I was boring. I said something wrong. I wasn't cool enough. It's very egotistical, like I said. And there's no wonder, you know, we've spoken about this on the podcast before, but we know from research that social rejection literally hurts us physically. But it will hurt you less when you focus on the reasons that have nothing to do with you at all. And you actually stop putting yourself at the centre here. If you did get a reply, but then communication drops off, you know what? Yeah, they could be dating somebody else. They could also be overwhelmed.

• 47:43Jemma Sbeg?

  They could be dealing with personal stuff. They could realise they're not over their ex. They maybe are just thoughtless. Maybe they just wanted a bit of validation. Who cares? Who cares? There are so many explanations that have nothing to do with you. Learn to ignore everything but the positive experiences. However you want to sell it to yourself. On the apps, the barrier to matching with somebody is so tiny, you could literally do it in a second. So you have to remember, like, the perceived cost of just disappearing is also really small. People don't think about it. People get very callous and they swipe when they're bored, when they're lonely, when, you know,

• 48:27Jemma Sbeg?

  they have nothing to do. I can admit I even did that. Everyone does it. You're, dating apps make you a kind of a mean person and a careless person. Don't take a match as a promise. It's not, it's not a sign of intention. A message is a sign of intention. A match is nothing. It's just a quick signal that they find you attractive, they like your vibe. But the sheer volume of people on the apps that we're exposed to means that, again, our brains aren't actually equipped to deal with all that information. And that is why when people don't always follow through, it's not reflective of anything about you, it's reflective of the design of the app,

• 49:11Jemma Sbeg?

  of how they are made to make money, like we've spoken about. One of my friends actually has this beautiful way of seeing it. Every time a couple finds each other on an app, there are five, 10, maybe 15 people, they were talking to whose story ends there, who was left disappointed. But those stories have to end for that other story to work out. And when you finally find somebody that it works out with, there will be stories that prematurely end for others as well, in order for yours to begin. It's all an exchange. You're paying your dues, you're ticking off your numbers, you're paying your tax. However you want to see it, to remain neutral, the neutrality is important.

• 49:54Jemma Sbeg?

  I know that all sounds a little bit brutal, but stoicism, acceptance of that nature is freedom in anything, really. That brings me to our last tip, tip number seven. If you want to survive the dating apps, periodically you need to delete the dating apps, especially the moment they start to feel like a chore. Or you feel like it's been weeks since you wanted to go on a date with anyone. That is a great sign. You are at the tail end of a burnout. I think there is, and I know there is, a pressure to be like dating at a hundred percent if you say you're dating and showing up day after day on the apps out of fear that you're

• 50:36Jemma Sbeg?

  gonna miss the love of your life and never have an opportunity to match with them again. Do you know how many times I matched with the same people, multiple times, like because I deleted and came back? You don't have to become permanently disenfranchised with dating because you keep thinking you need to push through the burnout that the apps bring. You want to be able to have a healthy relationship with this. I think deleting when you feel like you and the apps aren't clicking, taking two to three months off reduces the pessimism that you can have around all dating. But additionally, I think it will also reduce the chances of you settling for less just

• 51:17Jemma Sbeg?

  so that you can stop dating, just so that you can feel less frustrated. And it also stops you from getting too emotionally invested in people who don't respond or who don't get back to you because the sense of urgency is less intense. I will say, when I met my partner, Tom, on Hinge, I had done a six-month dating app detox. And I'm not saying this isn't gonna happen to you, but I re-downloaded the app and he was the first person I matched with. And that's the thing, when you are feeling more high energy, you can come back and actually start having fun with it again. Like, I felt like there was nothing left for me and then it was like, oh, this great person had rejoined whilst I was gone. Then you can really organize loads of dates.

• 52:02Jemma Sbeg?

  You get to talk to people you're actually interested in. You just get to like enjoy it. One of my favorite creators called Rach, I think her name's like Rach Rat or something. It's, I think it's Rach Rat, but she posts her dating diaries on TikTok. And something she says is that the early stages of dating is only meant to be two things, sexy and fun. Sexy and fun. And if they're not, what is the point? So if you feel like your options are dwindling, come back two, three, four months, six months. Also, there's gonna like, the reserves are gonna be refreshed. Like, it's gonna be a whole new set of people. People break up all the time. People suddenly heal from breakups and come back on the apps all the time, back on the market.

• 52:47Jemma Sbeg?

  The last thing dating apps should make you feel is like your options are limited or scarce. Because that is what they want you to feel and they, and they want to trap you into spending money and maybe even settling. So remember, fun and sexy is your objective. Dating burnout is so real and it's not sexy and it's not fun. So take a step back until you feel like you wanna give it another try. There is no rush, I know. Especially as we kind of get into like our late twenties and thirties and even older, like there's such an urgency to find somebody before opportunities and options and doors close.

• 53:29Jemma Sbeg?

  This is gonna maybe be advice you don't wanna hear, but I think urgency and panic is the worst thing you can do, cause it's always gonna mean that you make a poorer decision. Going steadier, slower, having rules for yourself, having practices, rituals around dating. Like treating dating apps like the game and the business model they are is going to make you so much more effective in the long run. And I think the mindset that has united every single person who I've seen been successful on a dating app is just, I'm here to not take this very seriously. And I'm here with very low, if not no, expectations.

• 54:14Jemma Sbeg?

  And in that way, I'm actually able to enjoy this. So I hope this advice has been helpful. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you as always to our researcher, Libby Colbert, for her contributions to this episode. Our question for the day, if you have made it this far, thank you for listening. Thanks for being a loyal listener. What's your dream date? Leave a comment down below. Dream date, you get to choose four activities, three activities, whatever. What would it be? I think my dream date, I was thinking about this the other day. Dream date would be go to the beach, then go home like separately. Have a shower, meet again, a little bit sun kissed for like an early dinner, like a sunset dinner.

• 54:58Jemma Sbeg?

  Have a few wires, have a few dinner, have like have a bit to eat and then like have a walk home. And it's summertime and it's beautiful. And then like a little kiss before, before they leave. Um, that's my dream date. Leave yours below and make sure you're following us on Instagram. Also, as I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, the psychology of your twenties is now on Netflix. So if you are based in the U S, please feel free to listen to watch over there. I'd love to see you there. It's like a crazy thing for the podcast. So yeah, any support on that would be very much appreciated. Also, I just think the quality is really cool. Uh, it just brings a whole new personal layer to the podcast that I really enjoy. So I'd love to see you over there.

• 55:43Jemma Sbeg?

  But until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. We will talk very, very soon.

• 55:54Jemma Sbeg?

  This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over fourteen years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy. All of their stuff just looks good on and it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is. Lifting cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing errands. Discover Gymshark and find your new favorite gym clothing at gymshark.com.

• 56:31Jemma Sbeg?

  I've been really trying to prioritize my health in a realistic way this year. And something that has kept me really motivated is my Whoop. I am such a data person, which is why I love Whoop. Because I can genuinely see why my body feels differently depending on the day. Why I'm running differently, why I'm maybe less focused. Whoop effortlessly tracks my sleep, it tracks my strain, my recovery, my stress. And most importantly, my overall health. And it just gives me all that data and all those patterns. So I can make better decisions, which includes knowing when to go easy and knowing when to go hard. New members can try Whoop with a 30 day free trial before committing to a membership. That's join.whoop.com/psychology for your free month of Whoop.

• 57:16Jemma Sbeg?

  Hey, question, are you an Extra Care member at CVS? Because there is literally no reason not to be. It's super easy to join and members instantly get extra big deals on things you buy most. I mean, this is stuff you're already buying, things like snacks, personal care products, all of it. And after you join, the savings just show up. Deals refresh every two weeks, but they don't last long. Head to your local CVS or open the CVS app, look for extra big deals and start saving today.

• 57:48Speaker 00

  This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed Human.