Bad Friends
Hosted by Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee
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13,995 words · 8 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
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You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
Oh, you two are something.
We're bad friends.
And what state is this?
This is in Michigan.
In Michigan.
Smashing beers.
Are you being recognized? Are you recognized there?
No, I didn't get recognized once.
Not one time there?
Not once.
You gotta be crazy.
Did I get recognized at all? A single time. Not once.
At a college frat party?
Not once. And look at this, that was the stadium. That's called the Big House in Michigan.
You know what that looks like?
Huh?
Remember when Bane took off that football field?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I wish that would have happened there.
They did a flight.
How great would it have been? If Bane showed up and with a nuclear, you know what I mean?
What would have been better?
What would you have done? Nothing! You're not Batman, you're nothing! Sorry.
I went crazy, sorry.
It was so fun, man.
Yeah, sorry.
We had a great time.
Good job. Fantastic.
What did you do this weekend?
Nothing. I saw a movie.
What'd you see?
Oh my God, "In the Mood for Love," you ever see it?
Mm-mm.
Wong Kar Wai? Beautiful movie.
One of my favorite movies.
One of my favorite movies now. What a movie.
Where do you find time?
"In the Mood for Love," dude, look at this thing. "Two Chinks in Love," that's what they should have called. No, no, I'll tell you about this movie.
"Two Edamame?"
This movie is so subtle. It's so subtle and like, in the beginning, I was like, "Oh, I'm done, I hate this, it's boring," right? I don't even know, also halfway through, like, "What's going on here?" But when you figure out what's going on, it's just so nice. It's about forbidden love, dude. The kind of love that you and I have, it's so forbidden.
No, it's bidden.
No, it's not. It's not bad ended.
It's ours is very bad.
It's about two people that they know they can't link up, so they never do, but there's such love there.
Because they're married or something?
Yeah, they're both married.
Right.
And it's like.
What, do they work together?
No, they just, they're neighbors.
Oh my God, that's an age old story.
And their couples are cheating.
Oh, they're.
And they went to Japan. They took a trip to Japan. And so now these two are like in this, you know what I mean? Like a complex, living next to each other. And they reenact, you know what I mean? How their spouses got together so they would go through the dialogue and scenarios and stuff right there. And then through the process, they fall in love. But at the end, they don't link up and it's like, it's so sweet. It's like, I have fantasies of like your pink butthole.
Right?
And my penis.
And you're, it's vibrating. Yeah, like shivering and mine's shivering, right? But it doesn't enter. That's what we have.
Well, there's like.
It can't. It's unforbidden.
And magnets are both the same charge.
Exactly.
You know what I mean?
Right, right.
It's missing.
I want to switch the maggot.
You, the maggot?
The magnet, the magnet.
Is that what you call your penis? A maggot?
It's sucked in, but I don't.
Can't be.
It's the same, you and I have the same thing, dude. It's forbidden love.
We're both pluses.
I'm a minus.
You're, yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now that I think about it, I'm a minus.
You're a minus too. No, you're a minus too.
So does this guy, though, his neighbor, the woman he's actually in love with, does she look like his wife?
Here's the interesting part of the movie. You never see their couples.
You always see the backside of their back.
Or their voice. You never see them because it makes the audience not have any sympathy for them.
And so you're only focused on these two. And then like six years later, there's one scene where this dude goes, what's, why are you laughing?
Because it's gotta be something funny coming up.
Oh, this is all boring?
Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. One scene what?
No, no, forget it.
No, no, I'm teasing.
No, you're right. It's a comedy podcast and this is not a film analysis podcast.
Wait.
So I won't say it. I get it.
I'm joking.
I don't think you are.
Please.
I think I'm meandering.
I like the meandering.
And I'm like, okay, I'll tell you.
I meandered about Michigan.
We can cut it out to tell you. I'll tell you what it is.
No, I meandered about football. You don't care about that.
I know. I listened to that whole Michigan, Michigan.
It was like five seconds.
I don't know. I didn't like it.
All right.
You know what I mean? I don't like that.
What was that? What was that?
Him on the shoulder, "Oh, drinking, drinking. Ah, let's go."
Jealousy?
Not jealousy.
It's a waste of time.
He was swarmed with young women.
Anyway.
Running up to him, all these college girls goes, "McCone, McCone." Dude, he was recognized by hundreds of young, beautiful college girls begging for McCone.
I thought you said that you weren't recognized.
I said, "I wasn't."
You were recognized.
He was.
From Bad Friends.
All day. All day long.
And because you weren't around probably.
Oh, I know what you were doing.
What do you mean I wasn't around? We were together.
I know what you.
I took that video.
I know what you were doing, dude. You do that thing.
What am I doing?
Machismo.
What's machismo?
It's that confident thing where, you know, when that lady at the Tuesday night said, when you're on the stage? It's like this, you know, come on.
Machismo?
It's like this, "I'm stoic, I'm a star, they get afraid." Where I'm more open. I'm like more of an open book.
Oh, you're saying I didn't get approached because of my machismo? No one knew who I was.
Star power.
Nobody knew who I was.
How do they know him then?
Of course I got approached, you fucking moron. A million people took pictures with me. I'm the king, bitch.
That's what I thought.
Next.
Can I finish my thing then?
Yes, dude.
God damn, dude.
No, actually, it was rad. How many, the young kids that came up that love Bad Friends, and you know how many times, what did I hear? A thousand times. "Where's Bobby?" A thousand times. "Where's Bobby?"
Where's Waldo?
You are my, where they're looking for you, baby.
I'm more like Waldo.
No, you're, everyone's like, "Is Bobby with you? Is Bobby with you?" They were freaking out.
Anyway, I want somebody to draw like a Where's Waldo but with me in it. Where's Bobby?
That's a good idea.
That'd be fun. Put pandas in it.
It'd be called, "Where's Bobby, comma, there's Andrew."
I know, I keep saying it.
And I just, a tall, redheaded guy standing out of a little crowd.
Can I finish?
It'll be a sea of Asians. "Where's Bobby?" And there's Andrew. Yeah, finish this movie though.
Oh, so he goes, "Um, I'm in love with you. I gotta leave," right?
He said that to the girl.
Yeah, and where does he go? Where we're going? Singapore.
Singapore, really?
Yeah, he goes to Singapore. And like months pass by, he's trying to forget about her.
So he's seeing other women now?
No.
No, he's still with his wife?
No, his wife is gone.
She died?
No, they they're they're not, they're separated.
They stopped talking about her in the movie, right?
Yeah, they stopped talking about it in the movie. And he's out with his friend, a friend at a bar or whatever. And then while he's out with a friend, she flies to Singapore.
His, the new, the love, the unrequited.
Unrequited love. She smokes a cigarette.
Does she know he's there?
Yeah, she she knows she's at her place. She smokes a cigarette, right? And then he kept one of her slippers, his slippers that he, you know, I mean, to remind. She takes the slippers and she just leaves. So he comes back and he looks at the cigarette and you know, there's lipstick on it.
Oh, yeah.
And he sees, he can't find the slippers, so he knows she was there. But he never sees her again in the whole, in her, his whole life.
What?
Are you being real right now?
Well, that's, wow, that that was a stunning, I mean, I'm serious.
And then five years later.
She died of emphysema. No?
It's a non-smoking.
So five years later, let me finish it. Fi- may I?
I miss you so much.
I knew you were gonna do that. I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can't believe you visited me in the hospital.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have a cancer.
So go.
So the last scene of the movie, right?
Yes.
Six years later, they, she goes back to the apartment building, now she has a kid. We don't know who the kid's from.
Not the same, not her ex-husband?
It could have been from her ex-husband.
We don't know.
We don't know, right? And she she wanted to visit um, the lady that rented her this place.
Mm hmm.
Cause she knew that she was leaving. And and so from her apartment, or from where she was, she can look into where his bedroom was. Outside.
Uh, yeah.
He just happens to visit. You know what I mean? And they see each other through the window. On these opposite kind of apartments.
And he goes like, he kinda does this. And she goes, and she, tears just start rolling down her eyes, but they don't link up. Oh, it's just in the mood for love, baby, and that's what I want.
You're in the mood for love?
I'm in the mood for love, dude, and that's the kind of romance I want.
No, you actually wanna be with someone.
No, no, no, I want, I, no, I, like, like in Paris, Texas. I love movies where it doesn't work.
Is this a metaphor for your life? Or is that what you want? You don't want that?
It makes love more mysterious and like, I like.
But it's infinitely sad.
I know, but I like the longing, like Dr. Zhivago, remember he reaches her and then he died? I just love the longing.
I love the devastation. I like being out in my backyard by myself on the lawn chair like I do with a cigarette. And I long for love.
That's a wish can be.
That's a wish I can be, say it right! Say it right, dude! When I, in my mood, I'm in a good mood, I'm in a love mood. Say it right!
Would you say when you're sitting on the lawn with your cigarette on your lawn chair? You're, it's more that you're shorting, more so than longing. When you're on a lawn chair, your legs don't go to the bottom, do they?
They don't.
That's so funny. How hard is it for you to lift the back up?
Sometimes I can't even lift it. It's like, I can't, yeah, yeah, I can't, yeah.
You're longing for love, but I think you deserve real love. I don't want, I want you.
I don't think it's real.
Yes, it is.
It's not.
What do you mean it's not real?
It's not real.
Love in general?
I don't think it is.
Well, there's different levels of love. I believe that. We talked about this in the car ride. Being in love is a phrase I think is conflated by society to be this, who know, who knows what that means? But you've loved, you've, you loved your exes. Those, that's all love.
But then it ultimately never worked out.
That's okay, that doesn't.
There's a longing.
Love doesn't always.
A shorting, I mean.
There was a shorting.
There's a shorting.
The shorting with Bobby Lee.
I know, but I haven't met the mysterious one.
But it's coming.
It may, that's what I like about it.
That's the longing.
Yeah, like, I met somebody, but she used to see somebody that we know. And
That's tough.
I know, but
Did they date or they hooked up?
They dated. And in my mind, I'm like, that's exactly what I would want to do. She doesn't like me, but that's the kind of girl I want.
How do you know she doesn't like you?
I can just tell. But just everything about her in terms of what I heard her say, her vibe, her everything.
God, I want to know who it is so bad.
I can't tell you.
Not on the air, you can
I'll never tell you.
Really?
Yeah, because it's a shorting, dude.
This is the shorting?
Yeah, I'm in the mood for love right now, dude. And it's like, it's a shorting situation and it's like, you cannot know this. Sometimes when you're at an airport too, right?
Many times this happened, maybe five or six times in my life where a girl will walk by, she'll lock eyes with you and she'll smile. And she's beautiful and I'll smile, right? And there's an instant and you'll never see them again.
That's awesome.
It's so beautiful.
I had a girl today, I went and opened my suitcase to get my charger out right behind me and I looked up and she was gorgeous.
And I just politely gave her a smile, just politely like
Did she smile?
And she went like this.
No, that's not good.
No, it wasn't good.
Yeah, yeah.
Looked up and away.
I've got a million of those. Yeah, yeah, those I'm used to.
But I wasn't even just a smile because I'm awkwardly unzipping in the tarmac tunnel. And so I'm like, sorry, like a sorry face, like, sorry. And she looked away as if peasant pig.
To me, they don't even pretend to like, they'll look at me and they'll go
like completely, not a shot, right? And you're like, okay, relax. I was just looking, you know?
Yeah, she gave me that look like, hurry up, you fucking potato eating piece of shit.
Pink fuck.
I mean, she was gorgeous and she just looked down on me. So obviously I was such a little pig.
By the way, shout out to Mohammed who works at the Detroit airport, big fan of the show. He goes, will you please shout out me out on the podcast? I said, no, but I'm gonna. He goes, Mohammed, it's easy to remember. I said, this is the most common name in the world. Of course I'll remember Mohammed.
Let me guess, Muslim?
Muslim?
Puerto Rican?
Wow.
Yeah, Tony would have hated this guy.
Yeah, Tony would.
Keep that in, yeah.
No, no.
But my therapist said, my therapist said Thursday to me,
she goes, I go, well, you know, the girls that I like don't like me. And she goes, but you do the same to them. Like, what do you mean?
You know what she means.
What do you think I mean?
Because you probably,
you probably like
The wrong girls.
Okay, continue.
There's many women, I believe, who probably come and entered your life in different fashions, and they're probably pretty right for you.
But you want the other one. You want the one that's probably not.
There's a danger, you know what I mean? It's also like, you know, I do that, like, you know, some girls like me, oh, he's short, you know what I mean, pudgy, this and that.
And I do the same to them, too, physically.
She's short and pudgy.
Yeah, so I go, I don't like it, you know what I mean? So my point is, is that there was this one girl I met, and, um, and she was, you know, good, you know, more than average, I guess.
Mm-hmm.
But she does things like, you know, you can see, like, her feeding the homeless, and she's like, you know, there was this old man that lost his wife, and she visited this old man every day for like a year.
What a nice person.
And played chess with him.
And you don't like this girl?
No, I mean, to me, it's like, I was like, boring! Oh, you know what I mean? No time for fucking, you know what I mean? But my point is, is that in my mind, I'm like, this is what I should be going for.
Right, but you know what you are going for is...
You know, all that shit, you know?
Ladies and gentlemen, Diamond coming to the stage!
You know, you know what I mean, all that, and it's like, they don't help the homeless.
You're looking for, you, what you're chasing after is Angelina Jolie, Billy Bob Thornton.
Yeah, that's exactly what I'm going for, dude.
But we don't want that.
That's not feasible.
It's not feasible, it is feasible.
It's not, it's not gonna be a long term. But you might not have a lot of time left.
That's what I'm saying.
Right, so let's find real love.
No, no, why don't we just do the, why don't we just do the mood for love? And just be in this...
It's better to burn out than to fade away. It's better to burn out than to fade away.
I'd rather dream, I think.
Alright.
It's like, it's like this business, it's like, I may, I may never reach the levels that I've wanted to reach.
You're there.
But I'm not.
Where do you wanna be?
Everywhere, and, um...
Visa.
Yeah, I wanna be like every, Visa.
I wanna be like...
But I wanna, I want, you know, it's that dream of like, anything can happen at any time, but it never happens, but you're kinda always dreaming.
But you're in it right now. Don't you realize that? You're gonna look back in 20 years and go, oh my god, I was in it. I was making a podcast with my best friend.
It was one of the largest podcasts in the world. Like, you're in it. It's great. We're here. Okay, so now find real love. Someone that respects you, enjoys you, appreciates you, really doesn't take advantage of you.
That's up to, that's up to the gods right now.
I think you can help some of it.
I can't.
Your therapist and I are saying the same thing.
I can't, what?
Am I echoing what your therapist said?
Yeah. So then next, next we're gonna come here with a 3'5", 400-pound Samoan girl?
Well, that fits.
Named Cuckoo?
If the shoe fits.
And I'm like, I did it.
Bobby, I have to shit again.
Yeah, yeah, I did what you said.
All right, Cuckoo, go shit.
That's not gonna happen.
The key's against the wall.
Anyway, and if your name is Cuckoo and 300 pounds, 4'1", whatever, whatever, no offense.
Can you imagine that woman just slamming, slamming her food to the ground as she listens to our show?
Fuck!
Like, a double pineapple pizza. She's just like...
But yeah, I mean, you know, but when you watch a movie like In the Mood for Love, you know, there's another movie I saw recently, Amelie, is the same kind of love, but they get together.
They end up together.
In the moped.
That's the old style. You end up together.
Yeah, yeah, but when they, you know, when you, when you, if you watch a movie like Amelie, it's that whole tease.
You love the tease.
You don't miss the tease? I'm sure you do.
Yeah, but, but, but also, the game that you have to play right now seems exhausting.
It's so exhausting.
It seems like it's such a...
It's so hard.
What a game.
It's a game of death.
You know, like, Mckone, Mckone, Mckone learned a lesson the hard way in Detroit, didn't you?
Tell me, tell me, tell me.
Why you say that, bum?
Yeah, so I was with Andrew and Zach, Andrew's opener, after the show yesterday, and we were just sitting at the bar drinking, and they're like, we're gonna take it easy tonight. And I was...
We were having a nightcap after the show. I said, let's have one and then let's all go to bed.
Definitely deserve it.
And then a girl from the show was DMing me. I was like, oh, she should come hang out. And I was like, oh, okay, cool. And I was like, all right, guys, I might head out, as they were finishing their last drink. And I was like, great. Left went to this piano bar. She was there with one of her other friends who she was a friend.
I should have been there.
So it was fun and we were all chatting and then she's like, hey, we're gonna get with our friends and go to this other bar like across town. Like, let's go.
Ooh.
Great. You show up, it's two guys in this car and they're not having it. And they just.
Who's not having it?
The two guys in the car.
They're like, they're like, no, we're going home. And the girl's like, alright, sorry.
Wait, wait. These two girls were already with two guys?
That's right.
They weren't at the time. They're like, oh, we're gonna meet our two other friends.
So you didn't know?
No, and we showed.
But they were all locked up and linked up?
Like, let's go, let's.
You do Sherlock Holmes investigating before you even get into that situation?
I know, but I was.
What the fuck are you doing?
I was back at the hotel bar.
Are you seeing anybody?
Did they, you ask that?
I was back at the hotel bar before they had finished their drink.
You gotta ask that!
I turned around, I was like, what the fuck are you doing?
Yeah, yeah. Are you in a relationship right now? No. Great.
Let's go.
You know what she did? She wanted to be able to prove to her boyfriend that she could get you to show up to the bar.
Yeah, dude, you were like, oh my god.
And by the way, you waved as they drove away and he went home and just fucked the shit out of that girl thinking about your nerd ass waving. Have a good night!
It reminds me of that one girl that flew me to that one city, right? Just to take a fuck of. A video, a photo. That happened. I don't wanna get into it, but that happened. Crazy.
Just to say hi.
That's it?
Yeah, and they had no other interests.
Well, that girl just wanted to say hi to you.
But he's 20 and you're 50.
What does that mean?
I think.
No, just, wait, no, wait, wait. Let that sink in for a second.
He's 25. And he's 53. So get it right if you're, well, I'm just saying get it right if we're gonna tell fact.
Yeah. I would like to, um, you know, call out the elephant in the room, actually. What's up, dude? Is there resentment? What's going on?
Yeah. It is, you know, when you, dude.
I don't think I know human behavior, dude. It comes out in other ways, but there's really a resentment?
He loaded up, I saw.
Yeah, you loaded up, dude. So what's up, dude? I love you dude, let's what? Get it out on the, I don't care dude, I'm good.
I'm just saying you should know better.
I should know better. Oh, so it's based on?
You care.
Life experience.
Life experience, okay, fair enough.
Saying he's been around the block and he's learned his lesson a few times, but he going back to the well even though he knows it's poison water.
End it.
Okay, well, let me tell you something, poison water does taste good.
It really does.
It does taste good, so he's swimming. Let the kid swim. He'll get out of the well when he's ready to get out of the well.
But right now, it's a deep dark hole. And it's hard to get out, because someone's got to throw him a bucket.
I'm not in a deep dark hole.
Of, of, of lust, yeah, you're looking for lust.
I'm not.
You're looking for lust.
No, dude, you got it all wrong.
There's no love.
You got it mixed.
I got it mixed up?
Yeah, in your head.
Alright, so.
Last thing, I don't want to talk about this anymore, but I just want to say that, um.
Don't.
I'm sorry.
It's the Ozempic, you know.
Yeah, I hear it.
The Ozempic, um.
You're like a whale that has to come up for air.
I know.
Your blow hole is your Ozempic burps.
Yeah. But, um, I'm literally okay.
I know you are.
With being where I'm at, I really am, I'm so. I'm pretty content, man.
Yeah, so you know, I watch movies and I go, oh, that's, that, you know, I relate to those themes. And I think I've always been like, a dreamer.
I can tell you it's coming though.
I just thought.
It's coming, I feel it, I had a daydream about it the other.
It's coming.
Let's make a bet. Well, I mean, when do you think it's gonna come? You guys wanna make a, take a bet?
Time-wise?
Yeah, in a year?
Well, yeah, within a year.
I mean, I feel like, okay, I feel like fans, you don't think it's coming, right? Be honest.
I don't think you are letting it come.
Oh, interesting.
Interesting take.
Kid?
I don't know, do they often come with you?
Yeah, I'm done.
It was right there.
Bob, come on back. Great. Go, Mccone, do your job.
Great. I'm gonna eat a donut.
Yeah, I'm a fat fuck, I can't make anyone come. That's what you're saying.
That is not true.
Yeah. You really put, you know what, I was pretty, feeling pretty good about myself until now.
I was boosting you up.
I know, but this guy really, you really-
Don't listen to him, his opinion doesn't mean shit to you.
He really hurt my feelings, though.
Apologize.
No, I don't, I don't, that, I don't even, it's not gonna help. I've had enough of it, every week, every episode.
It's a slam about my weight, it's a slam about how, you know what I mean, I can't satisfy women. You do a dick-sized joke last, last episode.
You want him gone?
I don't want him gone, no, I, I, you know, maybe I like the pain. It's about, it's about all that whole mysteries thing.
The shorting.
Yeah, yeah, it's, you know, because, you know, you slam me, you both slam me, slam me, slam me. But, you know, one day, the dragon will awaken. And when, you know what happens when the dragon gets awoken?
Breathes fire.
Goddamn, you know about mythological, mythological-
I knew who was gonna get lit up.
Exactly dude.
That booth is gone.
Yeah. That's Mount Doom right there. And I'm Smog. Another Lord of the Rings reference. In your face. So my point is is this. No, honestly.
It was The Hobbit, yes.
It was The Hobbit, yeah. Very good.
I love, I love the correction.
But what I wanna say. The Hobbit. Yeah. The Hobbit. You know, but can I say something? I'm gonna say it anyway. Why do I keep saying that? I always say, this is the thing, or can I say some, all that stuff, right? I'm gonna try to get rid of all that.
The two of your purses, your purse?
I know, but it's, I catch myself doing it.
Let me tell you something. I say that all the time.
Thank you. But a day will come. And this is not, I'm not making a joke out of it. Cause I know myself.
It's just gonna, I'm gonna go into a red zone.
Snap.
Oh, yeah, I'll snap, like my dad used to. And I've, over the years, I've tempered. You know, I've like, you know, I've been very mindful about my, because I don't wanna be like my dad. So like, I, you know, I see these little, you know, I mean, triggers and stuff. And I try to like, maintain it, like, don't be like your dad. Cause once my dad got in a red zone, he, you know, he beat my momma, he beat all of us up. It was fucking terrible, right? And I know that I have that in me, right? Once I hit a red zone, dude. I, look out.
Look out.
Look out, dude. So you can poke me all you want. Okay? But when I get there, dude, look out. You're not gonna like it.
Okay?
I think you'll find love in the next year.
Not only one, no. That's.
That part's too late. You already said that I can't make a woman come, dude. That's too late.
Is this bad that when you said poke me, I just instantly got that Pillsbury Doughboy image in my head of when you said that?
Now you're doing it.
No, no, no, but it's not.
No, no, it's not you. I'm saying it's just, the image got in my head because poke me is such a funny. It's such a funny word. When you guys, you guys keep pissing on his step. You think he's not gonna come out?
He cleans it every day.
I cleans it every day, dude.
But he's gonna come on, catch you with your dick in your hand, and that's gonna be the beginning of the end for you.
Beginning of the, beginning too.
And I say this out loud because I'm really trying to address a secondary issue. To the guy in my neighborhood that lets his dog piss on my fence, I'm gonna fucking kill ya. I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna kill you.
Let's get it out, dude.
I see him on the cam.
Yeah, yeah, hey, hey, guy. We see you on the cam, dude.
I'm gonna beat the living shit out of this guy. The dog pisses on my fucking door, on my fucking gate. And I see it.
No, but can I just, can I?
When I was in Wisconsin, I saw it and I was like, I'm gonna break a neck.
Can I make an argument against that, though, a little bit?
Pissing on my door?
Yeah, I wanna be side with the guy.
Side with the guy? Why are you siding with the guy whose dog pisses on my house?
Because I know your behavior!
What did I do to this guy?
I know you!
What did I do to him?
That's why I'm siding with the guy, guy?
Okay. What did, what, go aside?
The coast, it's the same thing as the coaster thing.
The coaster of not having a drink on my table?
Don't have a drink on my table?
I know, but you're, I, oh hey, you gotta put the coaster on, right, like that, right?
What does that have to do with the dog pissing on my door?
No, just watch. Hey, don't walk on the carpet, you know what I mean? Oh, you can't smoke in the back. I, I saw, I was there. Don't smoke in the, don't smoke in the back, it's, don't piss.
Don't smoke near the kid.
It goes down to don't piss on the fence. It's, it's all a part of the same.
I've never said that to him because that's just a thing we know. You don't let your dog piss on someone's door.
But it's a part of the same, like, thing that you have.
Anxiety?
Yes. Get rid of that!
Can't.
Almost threw up this morning.
You have issues.
Thinking about having to fly back here to do this show with you. I do have issues, so do you!
Yeah. Hey, guy? Don't worry about it. Keep pissing on the fence. Yeah. Dude, it's your own issue, dude. You gotta grow, dude, like I'm growing.
I'm gonna piss right on you right now.
Piss in my mouth, I don't give a fuck.
Oh, you, you'd like that.
Alright, so dude, guy, whatever, the neighborhood, shit on his lawn.
I don't care if he shits on my lawn.
Piss on, whatever, do it.
Piss on my lawn.
Yeah, diarrhea on the fence.
No, you can't poop on the fence.
Please don't piss on the fence. Sir, please don't do that.
Sir, keep doing it.
Please, sir.
It's about growth.
Yeah, and you should grow up, sir, and stop having-
If you get Andrew to grow?
Well, you're gonna have to bail me out of jail when I fucking murder this guy.
See, that's, that's the kinda talk I don't like.
And I'm saying it right now.
I'll testify for myself. Yeah, I did it. Yes, I did. Kill that motherfucker.
Hmm.
That'll be me getting hard for jail.
What's up bitch? I'm going away for a little bit. Motherfucking dog piss on my motherfucking dope.
Bitch. California is a stand your ground state, which means that you can defend yourself without retreating if you're threatened. Right? Imminent danger.
I don't even know what that means. What does that mean?
If someone's threatening to kill you, it hurt, if someone's literally threatening your life, you can defend your life.
Okay, let me give you an example. I wa- I walk into my house, right? And there's a man there. Doesn't matter what he looks like. Does it? In this scenario?
I could tell you what I think he looked like.
Go ahead.
Tall, skinny, white guy from, from, um, Northern California.
6'9?
Fresno, yeah Fresno guy.
6'9.
Yeah. Big head.
Huge.
Long though.
Very long.
I can see it, balding, like Carlos.
Patchy.
Patchy on the side.
Yeah, patchy.
Right. Bags under the eyes.
No Adam's apple.
No, it's an eve apple, more than anything.
What's that mean?
It's bit, it's chunked away, because he got, he's been stabbed.
Oh my god.
Yeah, it's an eve apple.
He's wearing no shirt.
It's a wife beater, but yeah.
I could envision a medical tag.
He's fresh out, dude, that's
Do you see it now?
A medical tag.
Yep.
Right? And then, you know, I mean mommy tattoo?
Mom.
Mom, but with a cross.
Cross through it. She's, she's dead to me.
Yeah, yeah. Daddy, cross.
And then
Daddy crossed out.
But that one's a tramp stamp. It's daddy right above his butt.
Right? And then there's a God bless J D.
God bless J D.
Not J D Vance. Who is it?
Uh, uh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
J period D.
Yeah, J period D period.
Who is it?
That's, uh, uh, John Delorean, Jeffrey Dahmer.
Jeffrey Dahmer.
God bless Jeffrey.
Jeffrey Dahmer, God bless Jeffrey Dahmer, right.
He has a speech impediment.
Yeah, yeah, yes.
Yeah. Skip one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but except when he says Asian rest, uh, slurs, Asian slurs.
Comes out perfectly.
Comes out perfectly, yeah. Like
chink. Right, it just comes out, right?
There's no stutter with that, right? Right, and then, right, what does he have in his hands? What does he have in his hands, guys?
Oh, in each of his hands?
Yeah, one's hand is what?
One hand is one of those stress balls, just an old school stress ball.
The rubbery kind?
Yeah, he take, the one that's-
Or the Benoit balls?
No, sand, sand, it's got-
Oh, the sand one, right, right?
Sand one.
So, I don't own one of those, he, that's his.
Mm-hmm, he brings it with him everywhere he goes.
It ca- ca- ca- call him-
Other hand.
It ca- ca- ca- call him down.
Right, right, right, right hand, right hand.
Right, what is it? You tell me.
Yeah, what, what, oh, I know what it is.
I can see it.
Can you see it?
Look at that.
Okay, what do I see, dude? I see scales. I know what it is, I know what it is.
It's a crocodile hand.
A croc hand?
Dude, he took, he killed a crocodile-
And stole the hand?
In Mississippi in 1987, with his uncle Joey, right?
Oh, wow.
A baby crocodile.
Oh, a baby?
Yeah, and he just like tore it apart, right? And then he took the skin and he made this glove he's had at the club for years.
Whoa.
It's like, and there's got like a little jacket, like, like a Freddy Krueger, like-
Yes, yes, yeah, and he's just kinda doing this with the Benoit balls like this. And he, and he growls like a crocodile.
Right? Now, if I'm not walking out of the house by now-
Well, I want-
You're interested in what he's up to.
Oh, you, you know what?
Because it's not imminent danger, because he's just hanging out.
Right, it's, now, at this point, can I kill him?
No, he hasn't threatened your life.
Dude, it's fucking scary, though.
He hasn't threatened your life.
He's gotta threaten your life, we saw it right here, look. Is it imminent danger?
And he goes-
Then he goes, "Could I give you a hug?"
"Could I give you a hug?"
That's not violent, right?
Right, and I go, "No." Would you say the yes or no?
Can I give you a hug?
I'll shake your hand.
I'll give you a pound.
I'll give you a pound?
That's better. You don't want to, you know, man?
Are you a bad Friends fan? I would say that.
You want to take a picture?
Okay, so you ask me.
And he'd be like, uh, can I?
Can I?
I'll give, give, give, give, give you a hug, hug, hug.
Chinaman?
Chin, chin.
I think I would.
You would?
You know what, you know what he'd really do? He'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where's Bobby? I can get him. That's what I'd say. I can get him for you.
Oh, you're there now, too?
I'm in my house.
Oh, he's in your house now?
He came to my house first. How do you think he got to your house?
Oh, that's right.
I sent him to your-
Oh, you sent him to my house? Don't do that!
What the fuck, dude? He wanted to see you.
Oh, right.
He really, I mean, does that sound more like your fans than mine?
Why do you do that?
I'm just kidding.
Just kidding.
I love when you do that. Okay, let's move on, but I love when you do that. Why do you do that? It's just silly, you know what I mean? Anyway. All right, dude. But if you sent him to my house, you wouldn't have called me and go, dude, I sent a guy to your house?
I would send Mccone to film it. I'd have him outside.
Oh, so you're there?
Well, this guy has something for the internet.
Yeah, you know what, dude? I think what I would do in that scenario is I'd just shoot him.
Shoot him.
And just let the fucking law take care of it.
But you don't have a gun.
Oh, that's right. I have swords.
A katana?
I have like a bunch of swords at home.
Could you, would you ever be able to stab somebody?
Oh, yeah, with a sword, yeah. Fuck, yeah, dude. I practice.
What do you practice on?
I go, no, I go on my fucking balcony and I practice.
You swing it around?
I do scenarios like this.
You know what I mean? I do, I do the whole fucking thing, dude. Yeah, he'd be dead.
Yeah, I have like katanas and stuff.
How many do you have?
Three.
Are they, are they special? Were they like branded for you?
Well, they're not like made by a sensei, but I've got them in Chinatown.
So they're made, probably made by-
They're pretty sharp!
Probably made in China.
Yeah, they're sharp. I mean, they're not the ones that they used to, like, Ronin or Samurai used to use back in the day. Those are like, real, you know what I mean?
How mu- is a Samurai expensive?
Yeah, I wanna know. I wanna buy one. Like, a real one.
A real Samurai?
What's the most expensive Samurai sword you can get?
Oh my god. Well, it's probably, it's gotta be priceless. I mean, what is that? Seventy-nine ninety-nine?
No, the most expensive, dude. That's the kinda shit I have.
Average first.
Yeah, the average one is a couple hundred dollars. Most expensive Samurai sword in the world. Oh! The most expensive Japanese sword in the world is Fukushima Mansori T- uh, Samurai Tachi, priced at a hundred million dollars.
Yeah, can we go in the middle there? I mean, what the fuck, from five dollars to a mil- a hundred million?
You want a Tachi or not?
I know, I want a Tachi, but there's no way I can get one.
A hundred million, look at how beautiful that is.
Yeah, how about like this, a ten thousand dollar Samurai sword, do that?
That's a lot of money.
I know, but that seems like a right, the right price for a, a, a high-end one. Oh, let me look at that one. And that sounds like a good price.
Twelve hundred dollars?
Yeah!
That sounds, I mean-
Yeah, 'cause you're never gonna use it.
But this sounds like you're going to. The Swords of Northshire.
Yeah, I'd get one of those.
I guess we gotta buy a Shin Gun To, Sado A- A- Arakai.
Or, any Bad Friends fans that are into metalwork?
If you can make one for them?
If you can make a really good Samurai sword, we'll promote it.
Of course I will. We'll put, we have to hang it-
Yeah, well, yeah, we'll hang it. No, I want, no, I'm gonna hang it in my house.
Well, we want it for the show.
Oh, we'll get two then.
We'll dupe it.
Any, no, anyone that's, 'cause we know, there's gotta be a, a guy out there that knows how to do metal.
Guarantee it.
Guarantee one hundred percent.
I guarantee it.
Like, a real, authentic, Japanese Samurai sword. And I want, you also, I like the engraving into the steel.
Yeah, they like stamp it.
Like a symbol.
You know what I mean? Yeah, what is that?
It's a Samurai sword that's back here.
How much is it?
I don't know.
Where the fuck did that come from?
Where did that come from?
It's been in the back. I saw it when they went on-
Let me see it, let me see it. Come here. Bring it over here.
Wait, seriously?
It's like a real sword.
How long have we had this?
Wow, dude.
Three years.
Someone gave it to Rudy for sure.
Yeah, it's not sharp at all.
You're not even flicking your finger.
It's nothing.
Oh, there it is.
Yeah, nothing.
I can hear it.
It makes it even more dangerous.
Why?
Because dull blades are more dangerous than sharp ones.
Why is that?
Because you're more likely to cut someone.
Let me see. Really? That sounds so fucking stupid. Then why wouldn't every Samurai sword be dull?
Yeah, yeah. Why do people, why would Samurai's in movies constantly sharpening their swords?
Why would I sharpen any of my fucking knives then? Yes, dull knives are more dangerous than sharp knives. Dull knives require more force to cut, increases the chance of knives slipping and causing injury. A dull knife, you have less control over the blade's direction, for example, when cutting a cantaloupe. This is talking about kitchen knives.
Yeah, dude. That's swords.
Generally.
More likely to bounce. This is like nerd stat. This is, this is a real sharp Samurai sword. They don't make a dull fucking sword. No Samurai, imagine, imagine the Samurai's go out. And they come back and the master's like, "How did you perform?"
"Who did you kill?"
Let me, let me, I'll be the Samurai.
You be the Samurai.
"How did you perform? How many you kill?"
"I injured four people."
"But you killed a man, chop?"
"What do injure mean?"
"One man I gave a light beard trim to."
"Okay, okay, but what about Tochi Hana? The one that I told you to go kill?"
"Yes, I tried to."
"What happened to Tochi?"
"I tried to kill him, but..."
"Yeah, yeah."
"What ended up happening?"
"Yeah, tell me."
"I ended up giving him a massage with a sword."
"What do you mean?"
"I was stabbing him in the back."
"Yeah, he died."
"He said, 'To the left, to the right, to the left.'"
"Wait, like a spa massage?"
"Kind of."
"Oh, my god."
"And then..."
"Yeah."
"He made me wash his feet after."
"It was..."
"Now, when I told you to get the sword, you got the sharp sword, right?"
"Um..."
"Did you go to the..."
"About that."
"Blacksmith. I told you to go to Blacksmith."
"Yeah, yeah, tell me."
"I read somewhere on the internet that a dull sword is more dangerous."
"Oh, did Sensei Makon tell you that?" "Sensei Makon, I told you he's a dumb dumb."
Wow dude, unbelievable.
Wow wow.
Yeah, this is not sharp at all. This is actually oddly dull. Getting stabbed or cut, worst literal way to die.
I'm pretty sure, yeah, I'm not, not really.
Stabbed to death?
Stabbed. Burning is probably, you probably lose sensation after a little bit.
I'd rather get stabbed to death than die buried alive in a coffin.
I'm talking about someone doing harm. Setting you on fire, drowning you, stabbing you. Shooting, stabbing, drowning, setting you on fire.
Well, it can't be buried alive be a part of the equation.
That's a long play.
What do you mean it's a long play?
And also buried alive wouldn't hurt that much. You'd die of carbon dioxide poisoning.
You would die, but the, the
You would just fall asleep.
24 hours of panic though.
I think you'd only panic for like 10 and then you'd be done.
10 minutes?
10 hours.
Yeah, that's insane.
The sweating, you're scratching at the, there's no way, dude.
But then think about all the relief of the shit you don't have to do anymore.
Or you know what I would do?
At the 10th hour, you're like, I guess I don't have to read the podcast today.
Uma Thurman.
And punch through, puay!
Yeah. Oh wow.
But you'd fall asleep.
So, I feel like we've talked about this before, like how would you want to die?
Have we? I don't know.
That's like basic 101 podcast, you know what I mean? Scenario, really.
Yeah, probably.
Like, how would you want to die? Like this?
Alright, let's, I want to interview one of these kids from the colleges. You want to put one of these kids on the air?
Why not? I'll go pick one.
Go, let Bobby pick.
I'll go pick one.
100%. I could tell this one was the one that definitely wanted to be on.
Yeah, I know.
She was a little chatty when she walked in.
Yeah, real chatty.
She, she, uh, what's your name, Chatty?
And confident.
My name is Alex. Nice to meet you.
Alex, great to meet you as well.
You're confident, huh?
I'm comfortable. This is a fun chair. It's squeaky.
Alex, are you a savage?
Um, I'd like to think I am.
What does savage mean?
It's an old slang term. I don't use it anymore.
Yeah, it's also, it's very un-PC to have that on your shirt. Considering the fact that you're sitting on stolen land.
Uh oh.
Yeah, that's very dangerous to do. You're perpetuating something that's very, very dangerous. And I gotta tell you, Alex, this is very scary.
It's not a good way to start.
I'm just kidding with Alex, clearly.
It's spooky season, it's okay.
Thank you!
Alex, where are you from?
I'm from Connecticut.
They're all from Connecticut, right? Doesn't everybody live out there?
Oh, I can tell.
Hartford.
No, West Haven.
Ooh, West Haven girl.
Yeah, right next to New Haven, so...
I hate Hartford, Connecticut.
No, you don't. Don't say that.
The club there.
We don't hate it.
I don't like the club there.
You don't hate anything about it.
Funny bone.
I know, you hate it.
Yeah. Alex, what year are you?
Um, I'm a grad student.
Yeah, I was gonna say, you don't look, you don't look like you're a first year. Like, some of the people he brings in, they look like fresh off of the, right, like, fresh off the boat. Bright-eyed, bushy-tailed.
What's your degree?
Um, in the Cinematic Production Management, uh, graduate program.
What do you wanna do?
Um, be an assistant director or producer.
AD's a good job.
Yeah, I'm very-
She kinda looks like one.
An AD?
No, like a, like an assistant director or producer.
That's what an AD is, that's what I just-
That's what I just said.
I can scare some people on set.
You do look like an AD, you have the energy of an AD. For people at home that don't know what that means, you look like you are organized.
Aw, thanks.
You have to be really organized.
You have to, and you look, um-
You have to handle so much information at one time.
And you have to be good at talking shit about people right after they leave, but they don't hear you.
That's what you do. I can feel that so hard.
Okay, so let's do a scene. Andrew and I are in a movie you're producing, right? We do a scene.
Well, she's not gonna be a director, so she's not gonna-
But I know, but she's gonna talk shit about me, because I'm a bad actor, right?
No, she's not.
Yeah, so let's, let's, so, I'm, we're gonna do a scene.
And then I'm gonna walk away, like, alright, I'm wrapped, right? And then she's gonna talk shit about me.
To me?
Yeah, to you, because you're the other actor.
Yeah. Francisco, where is my matron? I don't have it. Francisco, you have it.
I don't fucking have your medallion.
Adios, my friend.
Cut.
Alright, I'm gonna go get some coffee.
Alright, alright, see you later. Good scene, though.
Good seeing you, man.
Uh, uh, different coverage, or?
Yeah. I think we, we're good. We're just gonna use my side.
Audio.
I want that to be in there. Adios.
Okay.
All that.
We'll take it.
I'll see you.
See you later.
Wow, that was rough.
Bad, huh?
Yeah, I think, uh, we may need to find someone new.
You do? Is there any other actors that you have in mind that we-
Hey, guys, I'm back. Oh, god, the coffee.
Would you get me a coffee?
Oh, sure, you want one?
Yeah, what do you want in it?
Just cream and sugar.
Okay, I'll be right back.
Thanks.
Is there any other actors that you'd replace him with?
Literally anyone else.
But off the top of your head, who would come to mind? A big actor?
John Cena.
John Cena?
Hey, I, I, dude, the coffee's gonna-
Dude, it's weird, I just saw-
Oh, no, I wanted it black.
Oh, it's weird, I just saw John Cena.
Oh, he's here?
What is he doing here?
Nothing, as far as I know. Maybe he's swinging by to say hi.
Anyway, he's wearing the same exact thing I'm wearing.
He is.
Yeah, it's fucking weird.
I think that's, that's how he shows love.
Wait, he's-
Will you, can you go grab him for us?
Oh, hold on, but we're in Toronto, how, and he's wearing what I'm wearing, and it's weird.
I texted him and told him what you were wearing.
Alright, okay, anyway, you want a co-
Just black coffee.
Black coffee, and you-
Thank you, thanks.
Okay, go.
It, thank god, I was worried that he wasn't gonna make it.
I was so nervous about that, yeah, cuz we gotta get this guy the fuck out of here.
Yeah, I think it's time.
It is very much-
Anyway, dude, dude, it's so weird.
I'd like you to-
I re, I just ran into John.
Um, Alex.
Yeah, and I just told John, I go, "Get the fuck out of here."
Yeah, and he left.
Wow, okay.
Yeah, cuz he was, uh, you know what he was like, "I'm here to replace her," I go, "That's not even real."
Is that right?
Yeah, and I go, "Get the fuck out of here, you piece of shit."
What a coincidence.
And he just got in the car and left, so let's, you wanna, you got the camera?
Well, though, before we roll, Alex, I think I had to say something to you.
Yeah, you're doing-
Thank you. Action. Where's the medallion?
I don't have your fuck. Yeah. Adios, my friend.
Alec, good job.
Thank you.
And you danced around the lights.
Awesome, dude.
This grad school.
That was very good.
That grad school is paying off.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very good.
Hopefully.
Do you like Fancy?
I do. I love him. Every single time that I see him pop up on my little Instagram when you guys post about him, I take a screenshot and I send it to our group chat and I'm like, oh my God, look who it is. And I get, I get, make him get so embarrassed, especially when he gets recognized in public. I, um.
The way. He, he gets. He gets recognized and not be real.
No, he does. We were at, we were at the Grand Central Market at Nono's Empanadas and there was a guy working behind the counter, recognized him and he got so embarrassed. It was so adorable.
You take all these kids to Grand Central Market, huh? That's your move? That's like your date spots?
He knows.
He goes to the same spot?
He knows he's gonna get recognized.
Hundred percent.
That's why he takes him there.
Hey Fancy, what's up dog? Can I say something?
He gets so shy.
No, he fakes it. He fakes the shy and like, oh no, you know, this and that, but he loves it.
It's so gross.
It's gross.
Cause he, in, in his heart, he's like, I'm the man, but he wants to act like, oh, I'm gonna.
Oh, you recognize me?
You recognize me?
How could you recognize me?
Oh gross!
Alright, people should start coming up to him more than.
No, people need to come up.
You're a piece of garbage dude. That's so gross.
Fuck you Fancy.
Yeah, fuck off dude. So he gets recognized. That's insane.
He does.
He deserves it.
Why does he get?
He's the best.
He is great.
We love him so fucking much. He's okay.
He's literally Papa to us.
He's a Papa to you?
Yeah, like literally when I first heard about the Q and L A program, I asked my friend Grace, who came up here and she was like, oh my God, Andreas is Papa. He is your father.
Like as soon as you come up here.
Zaddy if you will?
Indeed.
Yeah, you're a zaddy.
Wait, wait, you, do you fly there to teach or is it Zoom?
They come to.
They come to you?
To me.
Yeah. He won't, he won't go all the way to us. We have to go all the way to him.
But do you understand everything that he says all the time or no? Do you guys occasionally catch yourself going, what the fuck?
We smile and wave.
You do? Yes, that's good.
We nod.
Yes, goodbye. Thank you. You do that to him?
Smart.
Like, what kind of movie would you produce if you wanted to produce one? Let's say if, let's say we, him and I were like, you know, I mean, the new Weinstein, but not, like, not.
Cinemax.
We're the Coen Brothers. You could have picked anybody else. Alright, so what movie would you?
We're just, you know what I mean, we're just Jews. I'm, we're the Feinstein. We're the Feinstein.
The movie's called Just Jews.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, I'm, I'm Lodz Feinstein, this is Frank Feinstein.
We're the Feinstein Brothers.
Feinstein Brothers, pitch us a movie.
Pitch you a movie?
How you doing? My back, I'm sorry, icovolt.
What, what Frank?
Alright, like any movie?
You're not gonna say anything?
I'm his brother Frank.
Oh, you're doing regular voice?
This is how I talk.
That's how you've always talked.
I know, I know.
That's how I always talk.
Hey, wait, oh.
It's a choice.
Hey, go ahead.
Well, I think you guys would be really good in an overly dramatic soap opera, given your personalities.
Ooh, that's interesting, but I thought you were pitching us a movie, not analyzing our, you know what I mean, our...
Well, I mean, a great movie already takes into account their actors' potential behavior, so, that's what I think.
That sounds like school.
That sounds like school did that to you.
She's right, she's gonna be good.
You really are gonna be good, huh?
Aw, thank you. And then you'll be able to say you knew me when.
Whoa, that is bold.
It's a tough business.
Well, we'll see, we'll see.
It's a really tough business.
It is, isn't it?
And him and I, you know, have gone through the...
Ringer.
Ringer, for many, many years.
We're still being rung.
Yeah, but we're, I think we're seeing the, the bright side of, the sunny side of our hard work.
Yeah, but you know what it feels like to me, the business?
It's still a grind, it feels like.
The business feels like, you know a drive-through car wash? You ever been in a drive-through car wash, you know, you put your, the gas station?
It's magical.
Right, it is, isn't it? But you know what happens when you're in the dead middle of it, you're like, whoa! Look at all that soap! And all of the fucking arms wanna be all over your car. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! But you know what starts happening? You start to see that the end is coming. You see it. And you see it, and you get closer, and it inches you closer, and you're like, wait, what about, I wanted to do soap again?
And then you look through the rear, right, and you see Matt Rife back there.
There he is.
Getting rubbed. Right, right? And you're like, oh, I'm at the, and ahead of you is like Tom Papa.
An old guy.
Does that mean? He's a great guy, but not what, Steve Kravitz or something, or whatever.
Yeah, yeah. And you're like, oh shit, I see the end of this.
And then a big guy comes over to you and just blows on you.
To get you dried off and you're all dry and you're crackling and your hands look old. And your face is all fucking weird now.
And then nobody wants you to go through the car wash anymore.
That's so sad.
Yeah, but that's life.
Welcome to the biz, kid. You teach that shit at your fucking dumb little school?
I forgot that part.
Yeah. Well, read the book. Read the book on the biz that me and the kid.
But then.
I'm inspired.
But then, then sometimes you see a car go back around and go through the car wash again.
So life doesn't make car wash.
I've seen a couple of cars go back.
Go back in.
And then they get again.
At in their sixties and you're like, oh, we can go back, maybe.
Yeah. Do you believe you're that car?
I think I'm already back in though.
You're back in for your second time. I would argue, some would argue it's maybe your third time.
It could be my third time back in the car wash.
I'd cut in line.
I'm almost out of my first one.
No, you're in the second one.
I'm in the first one.
I never went through. I have my ticket still. I'll show you.
No, no, no, no.
I never went through the first time.
I think Workaholics, not Workaholics.
Workaholics wasn't on that shit.
Mixology.
A failed sitcom.
I know. I think Mixology, that whole time period with, with Punked. And that whole little, it was your first time in the car wash.
Let me tell you something.
Pre-wash.
That was pre-wash. That was all pre-wash. That was the vacuum in the carpet and stuff. That's all that was.
Well, then if that's the case, I'm in my first wash then.
You're in your second wash.
No, I'm in my first wash.
Guys, he's in a.
Mad TV.
That was, that was just like Mixology.
Fuck you. It's so stupid. That's a bad joke. It was a cultural iconic show. Shut up. You were, that was your first one.
And do we know this to be true? We do. How old are you?
I'm 21.
Okay. So you don't know any of this.
You don't know what we're talking about?
No, not with it.
You don't even know.
You don't know what Mad TV is?
Oh my God. Do you know what nine 11 was?
Absolutely.
How?
My parents talked about it.
Couple of old whites, they would, huh?
They would talk.
Right when she's born.
You know, nine 11 happened close to here.
What? Oh, no, she's a baby.
Alex. What the?
Let's do it.
You know how why it was so hard to get you into this country?
Because of the flight restrictions. How old were you when you came to the United States, Alex?
I was actually one years old.
Oh my god. That's the one year old Alex.
And sweetheart, it took us so long. No karate. We said no karate. Sweetheart.
We told you it took you so long to get here because of planes that hit buildings.
So that's pretty cool.
That's pretty cool.
Good for you, Alex. Um, Alex, okay, we love Alex very much.
Thank you so much. We're gonna find somebody else. That was a great.
Are you a fan of the show, by the way? Do you know us?
I can tell she's not.
No?
No, I actually didn't know, but I have since followed the Instagram.
You don't have to, it's okay.
No, I wanna, I wanna see all of Andreas that pops up.
Okay, good. Please do.
To make fun of him.
Please watch him. All right, should we get one more student or no? Do you wanna just talk a little bit? All right, Alex, you can jump back out. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You're the fucking best, Alex. Alex was great. Your vibe is great. Your personality is great.
Love you.
We love you.
Um, let's do one more interview, maybe.
Are you picking another person? Great. Well, let him go. Yeah, let him go. Are the both of mics turned on? They're roommates. Yeah, we've, we've heard this game before. Yeah, we're roommates, dad, I promise.
Sit in that chair there. This guy I really like. This guy, your vibe I like. I remember you. You walked in first, right? Yes. Grab the microphone.
Grab the mic, put it right to your mouth. Remember to vocalize.
Are you nervous?
Get closer, closer to the mic, two face.
Sounds like the old days.
Get closer to the mic.
You seem nervous.
Well, this is, yeah, I get it. Are you nervous? A little bit. Yeah, a little bit. So, so what year are you guys at school? Freshmen, both of you?
No, I'm a grad student.
Seriously?
How old are you?
Twenty-one.
Grad student at twenty-one, right. Do you get out of school at twenty-one? Right. How old are you?
I'm twenty, but I'm technically a third year, but I graduate this year.
Were you some sort of prodigy?
Yeah. Are you a genius?
I think everyone here, we're all part of an accelerated program.
Yeah, we take like seven classes per semester.
Holy shit.
You guys don't play Fortnite or anything like that, huh?
What's your name, dude?
Pull that out.
Franco.
Frank O. or Franco, like a nickname?
Oh, it's F-R-A-N-C-O.
Say it like that next time. Say Franco.
What is your name again?
No. What is your name?
Say it with some zhuzh. Franco.
Oh, very good, very good.
What's your name again?
I'm Zach.
Zach.
Ah, let's fuck that. Add some juice to that.
This is Franco.
Fucking Zach, dude.
I'm the
Like, you be Zach! Fucking Zach, man.
There it is.
Very Jamaican twist. I like that, man.
What's your, what's your
They just sat down.
What's your name? What's your name?
No, no, no.
Now, you gotta say it.
Dude, you
Confidence.
You fucking rehearsed it, Frank!
Franco!
Loud!
No, no, no. Fran. Franco.
I am a Franco!
I'm a Franco, I'm a
Okay, don't. Well, that's racist. No, that I don't like. My ancestors don't like that.
I'm a hundred percent Italian.
Are you?
Oh, in your face, dude.
I knew that already when you said it.
I've never seen him at the meetings.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what's your name, dude?
Uh, I'm Zach, dude.
Zach, dude.
Dude.
Zach nailed it.
Exactly, dude.
We rehearsed it, Zach nailed it.
So, Franco, what do you want to do when you grow up?
Uh, I want to get into TV.
You want to buy a TV?
Oh, yeah, that's my dream.
You want to work at Best Buy? What's going on here, dude?
Yeah, no, I collect CRTs all the time, you know.
Do you really?
You want to produce TV shows?
Write them?
Write, uh, write them, yeah.
Are you a good, you seem like a good writer.
Yeah, I've been writing, I've written like three, three scripts in the middle of writing another one right now.
Wow, like
Features or television?
Uh, TV right now, like, I gotta get better at writing more like TV-length episodes, the first one I wrote was like 78 pages.
So what?
Yeah, TV has no bounds now. You can make whatever you want. Isn't that something you teach them? There's no, the old structural days are over. I bet you he's a little finicky fuck, isn't he? He probably says, "You can't write too many pages, you won't even get it through to the blacklist," or whatever the fuck he puts on you guys. You do your own artistic vision, Franco. Whatever you feel in the guts of it, it is. Tarantino didn't listen to any of those fucking rules. Look at how good he turned out to be. He broke that bullshit. He smashed down the wall. "We don't need your books." Say that to him. Say, "I don't need your books."
I don't need your fucking books, Andrew.
Whoa, well, that was a little aggressive, not gonna lie. It's not what I was trying to get through.
How about you, Zach? You same thing?
Uh, no, I'm a PR and media studies double major.
Double major?
Double ma- public relations.
Showing off a little bit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And what can you do with that? I don't know.
You can be in PR.
Right now, I'm working as a publicist intern.
Oh, cool. You want to be a publicist?
Uh, no, after doing that for the last nine weeks, definitely do not want to be a publicist.
What do you want to do?
Uh, I have no clue.
Good for you. You have so much time. Are you 20 years old?
Yeah, you got so much time?
You have so much time, dude.
Unbelievable.
But, but we both know that you guys want to be in entertainment. Of some degree.
But in New York, you're gonna, you're never moving to LA, right?
I'm already in New York, so.
Right, you're never gonna, yeah, right. Good for you. And you're not gonna move to LA?
Yeah, I'm probably gonna stay in New Jersey.
Stay in New Jersey. God bless.
So, Franco, you like telling stories?
Tell us one.
That's what, alright.
Anything that you, anything.
How about, how about with this? Let's, let's just give them a scenario, maybe.
No, actually, if you want, I got a really good story from one of my jobs at work, or my job work.
I would love to hear it.
Let's hear it.
So, uh, so I, over the summer, I worked at AMC, a local AMC theater I live at, and...
Hold on, timeout. Ticket ripping?
You name it. I did the tickets.
Popcorn.
Popcorn. I cleaned theaters afterwards. And what-
Can I ask them one last question? Cause I don't know much about that. What's the worst thing you've seen in a theater?
Uh, I had to mop up someone's vomit.
Wow. Was he on a cempic?
No, it was, it was a kid.
There is pretty timely.
Franco, go ahead.
IMAX theater reeked of Parmesan. It was bad.
But there was one night, I was working at Concessions and out of nowhere, we hear yelling coming from one of the halls. And there is a black couple and a trans lesbian couple.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is this show going on Bravo?
Is this an Andy Cohen show?
Yeah, what is going on?
Definitely cable though.
Yeah, this has got to be cable.
Yeah, so, um.
All right, go ahead.
So there's a black couple and a trans couple?
Yelling at each other?
They're all fighting.
Fighting. Wow. Let me get, and let me guess what movie. How long ago was this?
This was in August.
August, August. They were walking, watching.
Hold on. August this summer? This past summer?
They were watching Joker Part Two or whatever that's called.
They were watching Alien Romulus.
Oh.
Oh. Great movie, by the way. I loved it.
And it's also nice to know for the Alien Romulus people that your movie obviously unites a very vast variety of people.
A black couple and a trans lesbian couple. I mean, that's fucking, that's pretty broad.
So go ahead, Franco.
So what happened was apparently one of the trans women was speaking on her phone during the movie.
Her bad?
So they start arguing and they're getting taken out. It's getting bad. Security.
What are they arguing about? About the phone?
One of the trans people was on their phone and the black man or woman was yelling at them.
It was the guy, the.
The black gentleman was yelling at them saying, "You were on your fucking phone during Romulus. I wanted to watch the movie."
The guy was not helping any matters. He was making like dumb comments about it. Like, "Oh, like you're not a woman," or something like that.
He was grown and you're not a real woman?
That's where you go though, when you're in a fight with.
Even worse, he was recording it.
occasion, but you know, the best way to diffuse scenarios is to immediately take out your phone and start recording.
The trans person was recording the black people or vice versa?
Was the trans person still on their phone? Were they still on the phone? That would have been so funny to still be on the phone during the fight.
I remember one of them was saying like, oh, like fuck you. That's your free speech. That was one of the comments I remember hearing and they start, the black guy was getting exited out and he says, okay, sir, to one of them.
Why did the black guy get exited out and the other people did not? Interesting move AMC.
Let me guess about the phone. The trans phone used to be an iPhone, but now it's a Samsung.
Why it ended up happening though was.
It's strange. Those parts aren't compatible.
Yeah, they're not compatible.
Yeah, you think you could use the same charger, but you can't. You know, you should be able to, but nowadays you can. They're all USB C, aren't they?
And what happened was one of the, one of the trans women ran up to him, swung at him. He ducked underneath her.
Oh, my God.
Picked her up and body slammed her into the floor. It was really like a
Like a wrestling event.
They are athletic.
Incredible.
Wait, was the black person took the, took the trans or trans took the black?
The trans person tried to punch the black guy.
And he ducked.
You never try to punch a black guy.
That's my book. I have a book out right now. Never try to punch a black guy. It's coming out on Amazon right now.
It was.
Now, what did you do? You were still, you were at the popcorn machine.
Yeah, I was at concession, so I, I was.
You want a medium or a large? That's all you're thinking. You don't want to get involved.
It was especially awkward because, you know, we still had to work as it was going on. So you know, like
Trying to like figure out what is happening all while people are saying like.
Wild.
That's a crazy fucking story. Did, and the fight ended with the cops coming, I imagine.
The police were called.
You didn't call the cops, did you?
You know why? Say in that camera, say Franco ain't no snitch. Did we say that right in that camera?
Franco ain't no snitch.
Perfect.
Perfect cut. Love that.
You know, that's a great story. I, I mean, honestly, that's, that movie theater working is very interesting to me because you see a lot of types of people come through, right? And they're mostly nice to you. No one's mean to you. Are they mean to you at the concession? I've never been mean to, you know, I've never seen a mean person at the movie theater. Isn't that interesting? I've never seen someone like get attitudy with a person working at the theater. Because where would it come from?
Oh, okay.
What I'm saying is like you walk into a retail store, sometimes someone's being short with someone that's working in retail.
Yeah, cuz I've had, I've had fights in a theater with other customers.
That's what I'm saying, but not to these people because who's gonna get mad? What the fuck are they doing? They didn't do anything wrong.
But other people, yeah, like this, like the trans couple and the black couple fighting, they were mad at each other. But you guys don't get, you don't ever have somebody be rude to you.
No, that's great. That's a great gift.
Do you get to watch movies for free there or no?
That's the, that's the perk.
That's a perk?
That's why you do it.
I saw Alien: Romulus in IMAX and I spent zero dollars.
Fuck you.
Wow, you rigged the system, huh?
How many times you see it, though?
I only saw it once cuz it was...
What movie have you watched in the theater more than once?
In general or while I was there?
While you were there.
I saw Dead Boom Wolverine twice.
Twice? You loved it?
Do you ever, do you ever go turn on a movie when no one's there and just watch it by yourself?
No, I can't.
You don't wanna be a little bad boy?
No, you're not allowed to be up there where the, the...
Oh, cuz it's a fancy guy that works up there? Fuck that guy, Franco. You get up there and you do it.
Did you end up seeing Borderlands?
No, I did not.
But it played in your theater?
Did anybody see it?
Yeah, there were people there.
There was?
They had a really cool popcorn bucket. It was like, literally like claptrap. It was metal.
Yeah, yeah. Never saw it?
That's cool.
I ended up seeing.
I didn't play the game.
Wolverine twice.
I didn't play the games. I have like no attention to Borderlands.
Interesting, interesting, interesting, interesting. That's the pop truck popcorn bucket you guys were selling. That's neat.
That's amazing.
Whatever you gotta do, you know, to get the attention.
You know, Jack Black sat right there.
Jack Black sat in that very chair that you're in.
Sick.
Do you know about this show? Have you guys ever seen this show?
I have, yes.
Yes, I can feel that in my bones.
I called my brother to tell him I was coming here and he was very excited. He's a huge fan.
What's his name?
Ben.
Say hi to Ben.
Ben, what's up? You suck.
That's what it does.
Exactly what a brother would do.
Fuck you, Ben.
You look like a Sarah Silverman fan. Franco?
What makes you say that?
Franco, do you like stand-up comedy?
Yeah, I do.
Who's your favorite stand-up, would you say?
I've only gone to like a few shows.
Sure, but like who do you think you like? Who aligns with you the most in your mind? You'd go, you know who I like? If somebody said, let's say you're out with a group of friends and there's a cute chick and she's like, uh, you know who I love? I love Matt Rife, he's so fucking hot. Do you like stand-up? Do you like stand-up?
Who do you like?
Uh, I liked Louis Gak, the way I saw him.
You like Louis Gomez?
Of Skank Fest?
Oh, that's a-
Of Legion of Skank?
Oh, then you're part of our family.
I had no idea.
I'm not gonna lie, I would not have picked that for you.
That's insane.
I would have not have picked that for you.
I saw him in Big J Live.
Whoa, with our friends, wow!
Wait a minute.
You're cool!
So then you would like this show? Do you know this show?
I didn't hear about it until I met, uh-
Andres, good. Well, we're low on the totem pole, I guess. I guess we're lower than we thought.
That hurts me.
It does, me too.
A little bit. Anyway, um-
But I'm glad at least you said those guys, because those guys are funny.
Yeah, you guys were, you two are great. We love you.
We love you so much. Give it a hand for these guys, incredible.
That was great.
Great job, boys.
Alright guys, you know, um, we love to say, we have so many things to be grateful for.
Yeah, we really do.
I can't think of any right now. No, of course I do.
I'm grateful for you.
And more importantly-
Our family.
I'm more, I am very grateful, I'm being genuine right now. I'm grateful for our fans.
I really am.
I've been saying it at all my live shows, uh, genuinely, I thank the crowd from the bottom of my heart. It means so much to us, we do really love you. Yeah, I'm so stoked you guys always come along for the ride and you're open for weird, strange, fucking absurd comedy. Uh, and thank you, we do love you, I really appreciate you guys.
Thank you for being a bad friend.
Page updated November 6, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated