#574 - Mark Normand

Mark Normand is a stand-up comedian and podcaster. You can see him live on tour this year, and also check out his podcasts “Tuesdays with Stories” and “We Might Be Drunk”. Mark Normand returns to talk about becoming a new dad, the uncertain future of Hooters, and his new show “Page to Stage” where he follows comedians as they write and perform new jokes for the first time. Mark Normand: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ DraftKings: Download the DraftKings Pick Six app NOW and use code THEO. That’s code THEO for new customers to play $5, get $50 in Pick 6 credits. Better payouts. Bigger wins. Only with Pick6 from DraftKings. The Crown is yours. https://draftkings.com BlueChew: Go to http://bluechew.com and use code THEO to try your first month of BlueChew for free - just pay $5 shipping. Rocket Money: Go to http://rocketmoney.com/theo to cancel your unwanted subscriptions with Rocket Money. ESPN Plus UFC: Go to http://espnplus.com/theo to buy now and tune-in to UFC 314 on Saturday, April 12 at 10pm ET. ------------------------------------------------- Gambling Problem? Call one eight hundred gambler. Help is available for problem gambling. Call eight eight eight seven eight nine seven seven seven seven, or visit c c p g dot org in Connecticut. Must be eighteen plus, age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdiction. Pick6 not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Bonus awarded as non-withdrawable Pick Six Credits that expire in fourteen days. Limited time offer. See terms at pick six dot draftkings dot com slash promos. ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn Bishop Gunn - Shine ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [email protected] Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Trevyn https://www.instagram.com/trevyn.s/ Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Theo Von?

  You ever realize that you spent your entire morning thinking about lunch? It's 9 a.m. and somehow I'm already in negotiations with myself about how I'm gonna spend $20 on a sandwich at noon. And then I eat it, or you eat it, or somebody eats it, and then an hour later, you're just standing in the kitchen worrying about what you'll do for dinner. And that's one reason why I've been into Huell. The Black Edition Powder is a complete meal you have instead of food, not a shake on top of food. Their powder starts at less than $3 per meal, has 40 grams of protein, and mixes with water or milk in about 30 seconds. I like Huell's shakes because they're clean and it's quick.

• 0:41Theo Von?

  I just want to make sure I have everything I need to keep going the way I want to keep going in a healthy manner. So with Huell, basically, lunch went from a daily logistical problem to a thing I can solve in about 30 seconds. Make healthy eating simple. New customers get an exclusive offer of 15% off online with my code WEEKEND at huell.com/weekend. That's H-U-E-L dot com slash weekend. Thank you to Huell for partnering and supporting our show. I'm gonna let you know, we have these new hoodies, the Onward hoodies, in the merch shop. These are my favorite template of hoodie ever that we've ever had. I think you will love them and enjoy them.

• 1:25Theo Von?

  They're at theovonstore.com, and thank you so much for your support. Today's guest is a stand-up comedian. He has two podcasts, Tuesdays with Stories with Joe List and We Might Be Drunk with Sam Morril. He's touring all over this year. He's a one-of-one, he's a new father, and he has a new series out called Page to Stage, where comedians take something from their notebook and you see it build until it gets performed. Today's guest is a one-of-one, my Louisiana brethren, Mr. Mark Norman.

• 2:22Speaker 01

  Are you flying out today?

• 2:24Theo Von?

  Yeah, my stepdad is sick, so I gotta go see him.

• 2:26Speaker 01

  Oh geez, sorry.

• 2:27Theo Von?

  I know, I'm bummed. I wanted to be there for Kill Tony.

• 2:29Speaker 01

  Oh yeah.

• 2:30Theo Von?

  Are you doing it?

• 2:31Speaker 01

  Doing it with Kid Rock, so that'll be, I'm gonna try to, I'm gonna really zing him. That's the only way I can get to him, cuz if I do it at his house, he'll, you know, sic his security guards on me and call me the N-word.

• 2:41Theo Von?

  Dude, I didn't know, oh yeah. Dude, he has a dog that can say the N-word, I saw.

• 2:47Speaker 01

  Was it a, what, Black Lab, I hope?

• 2:49Theo Von?

  Oh yeah, dude. BLM, bro.

• 2:53Speaker 01

  Black Labs Matter.

• 2:54Theo Von?

  Of course it is, dude.

• 2:55Speaker 01

  Hopefully it's not a German Shepherd.

• 2:57Theo Von?

  He thought a Black Lab was a place where they tested barbecue sauce. I was like, here, get on mic.

• 3:02Speaker 01

  That's where they make sickle cell.

• 3:03Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude, I was like, bro, that's not... I was like, Bob, you got the wrong idea, man. So, so, uh, so you're, you're doing Kill Tony coming up?

• 3:11Speaker 01

  Tonight, yeah.

• 3:12Theo Von?

  Tonight.

• 3:13Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, at the, uh, what is it, the Bridgestone?

• 3:15Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 3:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, very exciting. I feel like Nate Bargatze.

• 3:19Theo Von?

  Yeah, I know, huh? Have you done one on that big of a level? That's big, man.

• 3:23Speaker 01

  No, no, I've done arena shows, but I've never done like a panel with jokes and zingers and that's gonna be weird, just making fun of these poor open micers in front of 20,000 people.

• 3:32Theo Von?

  Dude, and imagine them getting up there, that many people, they're gonna be shook.

• 3:37Speaker 01

  Oh yeah.

• 3:38Theo Von?

  How could you have a good set?

• 3:41Speaker 01

  That's insane. I mean, it's like losing your virginity to Pamela Anderson. Well, that's a bad, that's a dated... Who's the new hot lady?

• 3:49Theo Von?

  Um, who is it now?

• 3:51Speaker 01

  Oprah?

• 3:52Theo Von?

  No, it's, uh...

• 3:53Speaker 01

  Rihanna? Who do the kids like?

• 3:55Theo Von?

  Oh, uh...

• 3:56Speaker 01

  Sydney Sweeney! That's a good one. Look at that, tits on dickless.

• 4:00Theo Von?

  God. Oh wow.

• 4:02Speaker 01

  Holy hachy machy.

• 4:04Theo Von?

  She seems like a beautiful young lady, huh?

• 4:06Speaker 01

  Very attractive.

• 4:07Theo Von?

  She just got, uh, separated from her husband, I think.

• 4:09Speaker 01

  Oh, hey, you're in.

• 4:10Theo Von?

  That's slurp slurp. I thought about sending her a message, but I don't know what I would say.

• 4:14Speaker 01

  Eh, say nice yams, bitch.

• 4:16Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, that's true.

• 4:18Speaker 01

  I think she's, she wants that. She, no one talks to her like that anymore, so they'll probably turn her on.

• 4:23Theo Von?

  You think, oh, I'll definitely say something about that vegetation.

• 4:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, she's got some crop circles.

• 4:29Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, brother, gang, dude.

• 4:31Speaker 01

  Is that the, the X? That guy looks like a, like a ugly me. Oh, man, I feel great.

• 4:37Theo Von?

  Yeah, that guy definitely fumbled the breast.

• 4:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, right? Yeah, I mean, look, he looks like an Uber driver.

• 4:45Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude, it would take you 70 minutes to get her bra on, I think.

• 4:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's a lot to compact in there.

• 4:53Theo Von?

  Oh, you would have to have a buddy. It would almost have to be like two of those guys doing that slingshot thing or whatever?

• 4:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's like trying to get leaves in a bag.

• 5:02Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 5:03Speaker 01

  Look, that is a lovely, lovely lady. It's good to know that a blonde with huge cans is, that's back.

• 5:08Theo Von?

  Fuck, yeah, that's a great point, dude. She, yeah, she could be anything. She, we need flight attendants like this now.

• 5:14Speaker 01

  Ooh, yeah, good. They're all gay now.

• 5:16Theo Von?

  Oh, they're all gay. Even you, the woman, like, you're, shh, uh, I, I remember trying to hit on this lady and she'll be like, she's like, I'd love to go out with you, but I'm only gonna be a woman for like another week. And I was like, what the fuck, man?

• 5:29Speaker 01

  Damn.

• 5:30Theo Von?

  That's what this flight attendant said. I was like, oh, come on.

• 5:33Speaker 01

  Good lord. Where's, where's she connecting in? Transville?

• 5:37Theo Von?

  Transville's Vane, yeah.

• 5:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, they're all gay now. They used to be very attractive. Uh, it's like these sky homos. They've taken over the air.

• 5:47Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude. It is, dude, I feel like when you get on, you have to protect your straightness. The second you get on there, I lock in, dude. I tell my penis, I say, you know what we're here for? We're just here to get from A to B.

• 6:01Speaker 01

  Right, right.

• 6:02Theo Von?

  Okay, do not look around.

• 6:03Speaker 01

  Yes, yes.

• 6:04Theo Von?

  They're gonna tempt you. It'll be like a kind of a guy, you know, like a guy possibly dresses as a woman walking through with liquor or snacks, or, um, those goldfish. My penis loves goldfish, right?

• 6:17Speaker 01

  Oh, love a goldfish.

• 6:18Theo Von?

  So, but do not look over there. You stay straight. We're just, we're going to Cincinnati.

• 6:23Speaker 01

  Exactly. No place straighter than Cincinnati. That is a straight town right there.

• 6:27Theo Von?

  It is, dude.

• 6:28Speaker 01

  They eat chili and watch football.

• 6:29Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 6:30Speaker 01

  But, wait, wait, hold on. You said something. Oh, you ever get flattered by the gay, the gay love?

• 6:35Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 6:35Speaker 01

  That is very nice when a gay guy's like, hey, cutie, or whatever, and you're like, eh, this is pretty good.

• 6:39Theo Von?

  Yeah. Well, cause it's replacing the old thing. It's like, you still want the affection.

• 6:44Speaker 01

  Right.

• 6:46Theo Von?

  And now it's like a lot of us didn't even have dads. So it's like they're kinda coming at you with that combo meal.

• 6:51Speaker 01

  Oh, you get the male attention and the flirty.

• 6:56Theo Von?

  And the female flirty.

• 6:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's good.

• 6:58Theo Von?

  You get it in one.

• 6:59Speaker 01

  That's, God, I'd love to be gay.

• 7:00Theo Von?

  That's a lot of gay guys thing is don't you want that combo meal?

• 7:03Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:04Theo Von?

  You know?

• 7:05Speaker 01

  And he can blow the, the fucking chrome off your trailer hitch.

• 7:09Theo Von?

  Oh, dude, can you, this is insane to be talking about.

• 7:13Speaker 01

  Sorry, this is God's country.

• 7:14Theo Von?

  I'm just going to Cincinnati, okay?

• 7:17Speaker 01

  You're right, you're right.

• 7:18Theo Von?

  That's all I'm telling you, Mark.

• 7:19Speaker 01

  All right, I'm already, I'm already getting the layover. I'm gay over.

• 7:24Theo Von?

  But dude, yeah, there's just something like they, yeah, you see them and they, but yeah, God, could you even imagine some strong guy? Who was probably like on the, um, neck team in college, whatever, some sporting event like the, uh.

• 7:40Speaker 01

  Wrestling?

• 7:40Theo Von?

  Yeah, wrestling or something like that.

• 7:42Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 7:43Theo Von?

  And he just pins your cock to the back of his throat with his tongue or whatever.

• 7:46Speaker 01

  Woo, easy, big fella.

• 7:48Theo Von?

  Sorry, that's, that is seems.

• 7:50Speaker 01

  Anyone else hard?

• 7:52Theo Von?

  That seems crazy, dude.

• 7:53Speaker 01

  You're gonna make Morgan Wallen uncomfortable.

• 7:58Speaker 01

  Oh, man, yeah, it's gotta be nice to be the gay. What about Glory Hole? Is that real?

• 8:02Theo Von?

  There was one at.

• 8:03Speaker 01

  What? You know of one?

• 8:05Theo Von?

  There was one at Louisiana State when I was at LSU.

• 8:07Speaker 01

  Shut the fuck up. How'd I miss that? I went there for a semester.

• 8:10Theo Von?

  Yeah, bring up Glory Hole LSU.

• 8:12Speaker 01

  What?

• 8:13Theo Von?

  They had one and they, you know where it was? I think it was in, um, I wanna say the library.

• 8:19Speaker 01

  Whoa, damn, they plugged that hole. Look at that.

• 8:23Theo Von?

  Oh, there's one right there taking a dump in Turo. That's one of those, one of the halls there. Oh, there it is right there.

• 8:29Speaker 01

  Whoa, look at that.

• 8:31Theo Von?

  Look at that.

• 8:32Speaker 01

  Damn, you could even look through there if you wanted to, which is nice.

• 8:35Theo Von?

  If you're, but it's hard to look through there when there's a weiner coming through.

• 8:38Speaker 01

  Take your eye out.

• 8:39Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude, don't be that weirdo that's trying to sightsee at a glory hole, you know?

• 8:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, you just gotta, you gotta trust the hole. You gotta go with it. Whatever comes through, you gotta eat it.

• 8:50Theo Von?

  That's the whole, dude, that's the original game show right there.

• 8:54Speaker 01

  Oh, yes, that's great.

• 8:57Theo Von?

  Yeah, now it's like, um, I'm thinking of what it's called now. It's like, um, the floor is lava, dude.

• 9:03Speaker 01

  Right.

• 9:03Theo Von?

  Nothing, that has nothing.

• 9:07Theo Von?

  On the glory hole is open.

• 9:09Speaker 01

  That's a great point. Yeah. And you never know who's on the other side. Could be your teacher, your brother, your pastor. I mean, that's a real gamble.

• 9:17Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah. It could be your pastor. It could be your futureer, dude. It could be some gay dude. You're gonna, or woman. Nowadays, even lesbians will stop in there just to couture their jawline. They'll pop into a male glory hole.

• 9:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, but what about lesbians? They don't have any way to glory. You can't get a clit through that, that wood girth.

• 9:34Theo Von?

  Hmm, I don't know. You put the softball team in there, they'll fucking, they'll hit a single at least through that thing.

• 9:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, Brittany Griner could get something through that hole.

• 9:41Theo Von?

  Oh, damn.

• 9:43Speaker 01

  That's, that's what put her in jail in Russia, I heard. Have you seen her lately? She looks like Pete Davidson.

• 9:48Theo Von?

  Uh, yeah, I could see a crossover. Why hasn't she been on SNL, I wonder?

• 9:52Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 9:54Speaker 02

  Brittany, let me see something real quick.

• 9:57Speaker 01

  Oh, this is awkward.

• 9:58Speaker 02

  Rick, thank you.

• 10:02Theo Von?

  Whoa. Look at those dogs walking on water. What religion is this?

• 10:05Speaker 01

  Fuck is that?

• 10:07Theo Von?

  Dude, I've never, bro, that's, dude, this is that new shit, man. This is what's coming now.

• 10:12Speaker 01

  Right.

• 10:13Theo Von?

  This is the new Christianity. This will be a story in the Bible one day. Brittany Griner shoots a three pointer.

• 10:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, she looks like Deuteronomy.

• 10:22Theo Von?

  Damn, that was good.

• 10:23Speaker 01

  Ah, thanks.

• 10:24Theo Von?

  God, bro. That's a pretty decent start for an episode, I feel like.

• 10:28Speaker 01

  Hell, yeah. Well, I love Nashville. I love this town. We did the Ryman last night. We did Zany's after that.

• 10:33Theo Von?

  Drop your mic down a little bit like this, yeah.

• 10:35Speaker 01

  Went to Kid Rock's house. It was a wild night.

• 10:38Theo Von?

  Kid Rocks?

• 10:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, we were just out with Tony and Tony's like, I got a surprise for you. We jump in a car, we drive a half hour and then bam.

• 10:45Theo Von?

  We did it.

• 10:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. And what a, what a home.

• 10:51Theo Von?

  Oh, you go to, there's definitely, um, was it just him there? Was it, was it other people?

• 10:55Speaker 01

  It was just him and like a security guy.

• 10:57Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, dude.

• 10:58Speaker 01

  And maybe a slave. I mean, it felt like it. Big jacked, scary, like marine looking guy.

• 11:03Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah. A lot of those guys love to cook when they're not fucking like sniping fucking Gazans on behalf of Israel. But um, yeah dude, he uh.

• 11:13Speaker 01

  Build that whaling wall.

• 11:17Theo Von?

  Dude, I heard the whaling wall, this is the most Israel thing ever, the whaling wall has an ATM in it.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  That's hilarious. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised, you need some cash out there if you're gonna buy a little dreidel. Some knickknacks.

• 11:32Theo Von?

  Oh, I'll fucking spin gimmel on that bitch, so that's all I spin dude. They used to call me Big Gimmel in a lot of back alleys.

• 11:39Speaker 01

  Jimmy Gimmel. Jimmy Gimmel Live.

• 11:42Theo Von?

  In a lot of uh, Yiddish back alleys, they used to call me fucking Jimmy Gimmel, dog.

• 11:49Theo Von?

  Oh, the whaling wall, it should have at least two ATMs in it, I can't even believe this is an issue over there.

• 11:53Speaker 01

  It's gotta have one, or at least a glory hole.

• 11:56Theo Von?

  Definitely dude.

• 11:58Speaker 01

  Get that no foreskin through there.

• 11:59Theo Von?

  Yeah, only, and the glory hole's in here, it says FDIC insured.

• 12:05Theo Von?

  FDICK insured dude.

• 12:08Speaker 01

  Nice, there it is!

• 12:09Theo Von?

  Oh!

• 12:10Speaker 01

  There it is! Holy shit.

• 12:12Theo Von?

  The only kosher ATM in the world, that's hilarious.

• 12:15Speaker 01

  It just takes money from Palestinians, it's not even your account.

• 12:20Theo Von?

  Yeah dude, that's crazy.

• 12:22Speaker 01

  Holy moly, that's hilarious.

• 12:24Theo Von?

  Wow, um, speaking of going abroad, you have shows coming up abroad, man.

• 12:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm very excited, going to London, going to Australia, I love those crowds.

• 12:33Theo Von?

  You do?

• 12:34Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, I mean, the flight's a bitch and you get homesick and the jet lag's a real cum guzzler, but uh, I love Australia, I'm pumped. Do you ever go?

• 12:43Theo Von?

  Yes, man. You have to, where are you going over there, let me see some of his dates here. You're going to Reykjavik, Reykjavik?

• 12:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think that's Iceland, right?

• 12:51Theo Von?

  Reykjavik?

• 12:52Speaker 01

  Reykjavik.

• 12:53Theo Von?

  Oh Reykjavik, that's how they say it?

• 12:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think so.

• 12:55Theo Von?

  Oh Reykjavik.

• 12:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, it looks like it's somebody who's texting with T9, look at those vowels and consonants.

• 13:01Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 13:03Speaker 01

  Jesus, that's like a drunk text.

• 13:04Theo Von?

  Salford, United Kingdom, Cardiff, United Kingdom, Bristol, United Kingdom, Birmingham, London. Glasgow, you're going to fucking Glasgow, lad.

• 13:13Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 13:13Theo Von?

  Fuck it, get a smash burger, lad.

• 13:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, get a Glasgow smile. That's where they cut you from here to here.

• 13:19Theo Von?

  Get a Glasgow smile, boy.

• 13:21Speaker 01

  Terrifying. Those Scots are really scary.

• 13:25Theo Von?

  That's gonna be incredible, dude. So you have those shows coming up. That's everywhere over there.

• 13:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, doing the whole gamut, just taking a train from top to bottom. It's kinda shitty because you don't get to see anything. You just do the show and then you leave. But the crowds are great and it's a fun time.

• 13:39Theo Von?

  You have a couple of days off.

• 13:40Speaker 01

  Couple of days off, yeah, not much. But I get so keyed up, I gotta get back, so I just do the shows and I go home.

• 13:45Theo Von?

  Well, it's hard. That's one of the things people don't realize. You go to these places, people are like, stay, do this and that. But then, like, you do five, six shows, you're on the road then for two weeks, kind of, you know?

• 13:55Speaker 01

  Right, right.

• 13:56Theo Von?

  Or, you know, you try to get into, and it's like, well, how long you wanna be over? You gonna be over there for three weeks, a month?

• 14:01Speaker 01

  I know, you start, I get that FOMO, like, what's going on in America? You start looking at J.D. Vance memes, you're like, oh, I miss home. He's fat, putting Cheeto dust on a president.

• 14:11Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, bro, they had, uh... They had, uh, one the other day that said he has up syndrome, which is a picture of J.D. Vance has up syndrome.

• 14:19Speaker 01

  Oh, that's fun. Look at that guy. I think he loves it too, which is fun about him.

• 14:23Theo Von?

  Oh, he has the best sense of humor. I bet he could, I honestly, I should send him one of these and see what he thinks about it.

• 14:29Speaker 01

  Oh, I bet he's seen all of them. I would just scroll through those at dinner if I was him.

• 14:33Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  And look, you can't do that with Obama. You know, that's a different meme, if you know what I mean. So, uh, it's good to have him be into it.

• 14:40Theo Von?

  Yeah, I gotta see which ones he's into. I think, I would like to try and get to interview him again, cause now he's in there.

• 14:46Speaker 01

  Right.

• 14:46Theo Von?

  And I bet it's weird in there.

• 14:48Speaker 01

  In the White House?

• 14:49Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 14:50Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Well, did you see Kid Rock over there, dressed like a fucking firecracker salesman?

• 14:55Theo Von?

  Oh, he was dressed like a fireman at a glory hole.

• 14:59Speaker 01

  Yes, yes, fire crotch.

• 15:01Theo Von?

  Dude, he was dressed like the Grand Wizard of Cracker Jack.

• 15:07Speaker 01

  Look at that. It looks like he's selling used cars in Bristol, Tennessee.

• 15:13Theo Von?

  Oh dude, definitely dude. This guy looks like he could fucking sign the constitution with his cock, dude. This guy's unbelievable, dude.

• 15:22Speaker 01

  John Hancock. Yeah, look at this. That is a wild. He's like a, he's a gatriot.

• 15:27Theo Von?

  Oh yeah, brother. That's it, dude. If this photo alone doesn't get the Tiger King out of prison.

• 15:35Speaker 01

  Right.

• 15:35Theo Von?

  What are we even doing?

• 15:37Speaker 01

  And this has got to scare the foreigners. If I was a Chinese motherfucker and I saw that, I go, we can't fuck with them. Look at this guy. He's like an Avenger.

• 15:44Theo Von?

  Yeah, they're like, we made that shirt, but we didn't know he'd wear it like that.

• 15:49Speaker 01

  You think Zelensky sees that and he's like, shit, I really didn't dress up. Holy, I dressed like a ninja.

• 15:56Theo Von?

  He's like, oh, I should have really showed up. He looks like the pilot for Malaysian Flight 370 or whatever.

• 16:03Speaker 01

  The one that went down? Yeah. Where'd he even get that made? I mean, that's crazy.

• 16:07Theo Von?

  The one that went down on Key West, bro. That's a fucking, that thing landed on a cock.

• 16:13Speaker 01

  Well, the flights have been, I think they've picked it up a little bit, but we had some crazy flights for a while, like upside down and.

• 16:19Theo Von?

  Inside out.

• 16:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:21Theo Von?

  Trying to show all these people what it's all about, dude. They had Run DMC flying on one of the planes, dude.

• 16:27Speaker 01

  Run D I. But yeah, look at that. Upside down. It's almost, it's like the movie Flight with Denzel.

• 16:32Theo Von?

  We ride here. Dude, and you have to listen to DMX when you get out of that plane, right? There's no way. The plane's upside down and now we have to exit. There's no way. I don't put a fucking, I don't bounce a track on my phone right there. Dude, I put, I put on probably some DMX.

• 16:50Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 16:50Theo Von?

  As you walk out.

• 16:51Speaker 01

  What you really want?

• 16:53Theo Von?

  What you really want from a flight?

• 16:56Speaker 01

  I want some peanuts and a, and an upright plane. It's a wacky time.

• 17:01Theo Von?

  There was something you had, I want to talk to you about a bunch of stuff. You have a new child.

• 17:05Speaker 01

  Yes, yes. Not mine.

• 17:07Theo Von?

  I can't.

• 17:08Speaker 01

  Matt Rife. He got it there.

• 17:11Theo Von?

  Dude, unreal. And a lot of people, um, thought Matt Rife is that guy who's trying to live forever, whatever.

• 17:17Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Well, he's got that beautiful face. He's shiny. He looks new.

• 17:22Theo Von?

  He looks very, yeah, a lot of people thought that that's Matt Rife, Brian Johnson.

• 17:27Speaker 01

  This guy, why does the guy who lives forever have to be annoying? You know, you want, you want, if a guy's gonna live forever, you'd like him to be fun.

• 17:33Theo Von?

  I know, dude. Why couldn't the guy that lives forever be?

• 17:36Speaker 01

  You want like John Daly to live forever, you know?

• 17:38Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 17:38Speaker 01

  Although he'll die tomorrow.

• 17:40Theo Von?

  Well, especially because Hooters just went bankrupt, which is crazy.

• 17:44Speaker 01

  Damn.

• 17:45Theo Von?

  He was keeping it in business, dude.

• 17:47Speaker 01

  I bet, I bet. Yeah, that guy could house some wings.

• 17:50Theo Von?

  Bro, and he would walk in, it would always be empty. Restaurant chain Hooters goes bust and files for bankruptcy protection.

• 17:58Speaker 01

  What is this, the Asian version?

• 17:59Theo Von?

  And there is a, uh, and if you can't see on the YouTube, on the video right now, there is a picture of all Asian women.

• 18:06Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 18:06Theo Von?

  In Hooters pit, in, in Hooters attire. Where's that photo taken? Can you give me some information? Can you scroll up or down or something? There you go. Chinese waitress is dressed in orange shorts and t-shirts cheer while welcoming the arriving guests at the Hooters restaurant in Beijing.

• 18:21Speaker 01

  Oh, shit. Damn, they're stealing everything from us.

• 18:24Theo Von?

  They got it. Hooters is going bust. The US restaurant chain known for chicken wings and its skinny Hooters girls waitstaff outfits has filed for bankruptcy protection.

• 18:33Speaker 01

  Whoa.

• 18:34Theo Von?

  HOA Restaurant Group filed for the motion for Chapter 11. It's the latest legacy restaurant chain to run into financial trouble amid high food and labor prices. Well, is that really why?

• 18:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, I saw a couple of porkers in there on the last few years.

• 18:49Theo Von?

  Yeah, let's just say that they got probably so many articles saying that they couldn't hire good tits in there anymore.

• 18:56Speaker 01

  Right, right. You gotta be inclusive.

• 18:58Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 18:58Speaker 01

  So you gotta get the wheelchair Hooter, you gotta get the Downsy Hooter.

• 19:02Theo Von?

  Yeah, you gotta get, um. An actual owl in there?

• 19:06Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 19:07Theo Von?

  What are we doing?

• 19:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a, it's a tough time. It, it's the end of an era, but we still got Twin Peaks.

• 19:13Theo Von?

  Ooh.

• 19:14Speaker 01

  Just a sleeper that they just kept low and didn't talk and now they're still around.

• 19:18Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's like the Utah tits. Those tits are clean over there.

• 19:21Speaker 01

  And they're like the Kieran Culkin.

• 19:23Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 19:23Speaker 01

  McCully's gone. He was hot for a while, but now Kieran's taking over. We gotta go to Beijing.

• 19:29Theo Von?

  God, dude.

• 19:30Speaker 01

  I gotta be honest, I never felt comfortable at Hooters. Like, I like tits, I like wings, but I felt weird. Is this some, some girl named Stacy who's trying to make a few bucks? And I'm like, can I look at her? Can I not look at her? What would I do here?

• 19:42Theo Von?

  There are a lot of them are like, I'm a model and it's like, are, like, what are you? You know, will you model those sodas over here for me? Like, not in a bad way, but it's like, look, I want to support your modeling. I will tip a little bit extra.

• 19:53Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 19:54Theo Von?

  But we want to eat too. I don't want to.

• 19:55Speaker 01

  Yes, yes. And then I'm like, am I supposed to ogle you? Do, am I a creep? I, I never know what to do.

• 20:00Theo Von?

  Right. Are you just a waitress? Are you?

• 20:03Speaker 01

  It was a gray area.

• 20:05Theo Von?

  If I have you sign my 11 year old son's back with a Sharpie.

• 20:08Speaker 01

  Right, right.

• 20:09Theo Von?

  Am I a fucking sick dad or whatever?

• 20:11Speaker 01

  Exactly. And then do I tip you by putting the money in your G-string? You know, like, like a strip club, at least you know, we're all here to see tits and ass. Everybody's on board.

• 20:19Theo Von?

  Right. Hooters was this vague thing where like, hey, while you're a pervert, order like.

• 20:24Speaker 01

  Right.

• 20:25Theo Von?

  Let's get some fucking protein in you.

• 20:26Speaker 01

  And then if you go, sometimes you go with a girl. Like, you'd be at a work, a work lunch and the whole gang would go. And you're like, I got this lady here, she's in HR and she's fat. Now we got the hot blonde and the whole thing is awkward.

• 20:38Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 20:39Speaker 01

  And then you try to make it equal. You're like, oh, well, they should have a place called Nuts that we could take you, Shelley. Yeah, and she's like, I'm good.

• 20:46Theo Von?

  Yeah, and she's been losing her hair because she has like iron deficiency or something.

• 20:50Speaker 01

  Anemia.

• 20:51Theo Von?

  Oh, that'll get you.

• 20:51Speaker 01

  That was my black ex.

• 20:53Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude, Hooters is shutting down. John Daly is going to have nowhere. Cause you know, he, uh, he used to live in a Hooters. He lived in a.

• 21:01Speaker 01

  I can see that.

• 21:02Theo Von?

  Didn't John Daly live in a Hooters? Bring that up?

• 21:04Speaker 01

  No way. I thought you were joking. That's amazing.

• 21:09Theo Von?

  John Gruden had an office apparently at Hooters headquarters and John Daly had a special sleeping room in there.

• 21:15Speaker 01

  Shut the fuck up.

• 21:17Theo Von?

  Where'd they hear that? Oh, on the most recent episode of Theo Von's This Past Weekend Podcast. So, hold on.

• 21:22Speaker 01

  You're your own reference.

• 21:24Theo Von?

  Hey dude, this is where we are, dude.

• 21:28Theo Von?

  I saw John Daly overdose on Jim one night and had to get carried out of a restaurant, not even a bar.

• 21:32Speaker 01

  Hell yeah.

• 21:34Theo Von?

  That's awesome.

• 21:34Speaker 01

  Man, he's like a superhero, this guy.

• 21:36Theo Von?

  Oh yeah, he's dude, he's definitely him, Kid Rock, now we have a superhero.

• 21:40Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 21:41Theo Von?

  We have our Avengers, dude.

• 21:44Speaker 01

  Yes, we need some more in there.

• 21:46Theo Von?

  We need a good woman in there.

• 21:47Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, yeah. Who's a fun woman?

• 21:50Theo Von?

  Ooh, I know who, that lady that cooks and that said the N-word. What's her name?

• 21:54Speaker 01

  Oh Paula Deen.

• 21:55Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 21:56Speaker 01

  That's a good one. Boy, there's gonna be a lot of N-word in that kitchen.

• 21:59Theo Von?

  Hers- oh dude, look dude.

• 22:02Speaker 01

  Maybe we should throw a black guy in, just to even it out a little bit.

• 22:04Theo Von?

  Yes, and a keeper on her toes.

• 22:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, right, right.

• 22:08Theo Von?

  Who do we get in there? We need a good-

• 22:10Speaker 01

  Black. Maybe, um, oh, uh, oh, hold on. Uh, Kanye.

• 22:19Theo Von?

  Ooh.

• 22:19Speaker 01

  That'll really shake things up.

• 22:21Theo Von?

  Yeah. Now we're talking.

• 22:23Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, so he'll be, he'll be wearing the Klan hood ironically.

• 22:27Theo Von?

  But now it's their Klan hood, so it's like, what do we, what do whites do now that there's, I don't wanna say this is cultural appropriation?

• 22:35Speaker 01

  Eh, I mean, did FUBU make that? I mean, that's, that's our thing.

• 22:40Theo Von?

  Yeah, I mean, I definitely, this is-

• 22:44Speaker 01

  I mean, it's so weird, cause Elon's trying to tell everybody, hey, I'm not a Nazi, and he's like, no, no, I am a Nazi.

• 22:49Theo Von?

  Yeah. Oh, it's so hard these days to figure out if you're a Nazi or not. It is fucking impossible.

• 22:55Speaker 01

  I mean, did you ever think you'd see this many swastikas in 2020? The whole world's gone batshit.

• 22:59Theo Von?

  No, and you, they're not even pointed, you don't even know who they're pointing, like, it's like, there's liberal people using swastikas because they, uh-

• 23:08Speaker 01

  They're angry.

• 23:09Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 23:09Speaker 01

  At Tesla.

• 23:10Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 23:11Speaker 01

  But now you're drawing swastikas, so these poor Jews are like, oh, well, that's, that means fuck me. I know you're mad at that guy, but what about me?

• 23:18Theo Von?

  But then you also have people saying that, um, that American Israel are swastika. They're using it promoting them because they're killing the Palestinians. So you're saying that they're the fat, like, you know what I'm saying? It's like, you guys are the new Germany. They're saying that Israel is the new Germany.

• 23:35Speaker 01

  Oh geez, this is too much.

• 23:37Theo Von?

  That's what I'm saying. There's, it's just.

• 23:38Speaker 01

  It's so many layers.

• 23:39Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 23:40Speaker 01

  It's.

• 23:41Theo Von?

  It's like, what happened to a fucking, the business transaction of a glory hole, dude?

• 23:45Speaker 01

  Exactly. You know, I mean, we're buying Greenland, Gulf of America, Canada's mad at us. Beyonce's doing country. Everything's topsy turvy. Alec Baldwin shot a lady. I mean, I can't keep up with all the shit. It's all twisted.

• 24:00Theo Von?

  Ah, but at the same time, is it the most exciting? It's, it's exciting.

• 24:05Speaker 01

  It is, it is. It's the best of time and the worst of time, but you could open X and you're just like, holy, fuck my ass. This is crazy.

• 24:13Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude, and that's, yeah.

• 24:15Speaker 01

  X is like a portal to like crazy town. You're just shitting like, oh, that's a bear attack, a race, race riot.

• 24:22Theo Von?

  Oh, race riot, black kids beat up another white kid at school. Not a hate crime. Just a tweet.

• 24:29Speaker 01

  Just a tweet.

• 24:30Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 24:31Speaker 01

  And then there's like crazy tit lady and it says, don't open this if you're alone. And I always open it. I even have to, I'm at the library. I'm like, I gotta do it.

• 24:40Speaker 01

  I can't resist that.

• 24:41Theo Von?

  It's like 10 reasons why, uh, apples are killing your body right now.

• 24:45Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 24:45Theo Von?

  And you're like, fuck.

• 24:47Speaker 01

  You got me, clickbait.

• 24:48Theo Von?

  Yeah, huh?

• 24:49Speaker 01

  Did you see that Bill Burr thing where he yelled at the reporter? Oh, pull this up if you can. I mean, this was so cool. This is why I love the, love Bill. He's on a red carpet for some thing and a reporter's like trying to get him to say controversial shit. And he calls him out.

• 25:06Speaker 03

  I'm not gonna just have some controversial moments that can get clicks. I'm not doing that. I mean, I'm here to, for Conan. I'm not, I'm not doing all of this. What do you bring up next? The Middle East? I, I, I went to summer school, three out of four years in high school. I'm not qualified to talk about this. I was just gonna bring it right down. What do you think about global warming?

• 25:23Speaker 04

  You said about Elon that he was ruining Earth, I saw on The View. You're critical of him. What do you think of all the boycotts, like even the violence?

• 25:31Speaker 03

  I don't watch the news. I don't watch the news. I have no idea what's going on. I watch Instagram. I watch people wipe out on motorcycles. I watch lions and hyenas fight each other. This is the things that I do. And I don't think you should be asking a comedian. You're a journalist.

• 25:45Speaker 04

  Comedians are on top of current events.

• 25:47Speaker 03

  No, no. That's, that's weak. That's you guys passing the buck. You guys need to have balls again, which you don't. You guys always goes, "Should we be thinking this?" You guys present stuff like that. You guys just have balls. You need to get your balls back. And it's not my job. I am a dancing clown.

• 26:05Speaker 01

  But yeah, it's so cool because he's like, "You're trying to get me to say shit so you can get clicks. You, you guys report. Stop putting it all on me. I can get in trouble now and go viral for some ignorant shit I said. Get out of here.

• 26:17Theo Von?

  Dude, that's a great point. Yeah, it has, it's definitely become crazy now. It's like, um, but it's because people are afraid to speak up because I think all those people feel like they'll probably lose their jobs. I think a lot of them are just caught in this old system with like, if I say anything that's truthful, that's why I think why a lot of like, you even see like Candace Owens, you see a lot of comedians, podcasters, like people are listening to them. At least they, they're trying to figure shit out or they're talking about things as earnestly as they think they can.

• 26:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, we're so divided now that if you say this opinion, the other side attacks you. If you say that opinion, that side attacks you. So, uh, the, the, the newspapers want to sell clicks or whatever. So they're just like, "We'll go down the middle. We gotta keep everybody. You say the fucked up shit and we'll report about it."

• 27:01Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 27:02Speaker 01

  It's, it's, it's gross.

• 27:03Theo Von?

  It's a great point he said. It's passing the buck. Where's the fucking, how was it that like, even during the first year of like the Gaza thing, that not one mainstream network guy was like, "Hey, this seems kind of fucked up."

• 27:15Speaker 01

  Is that right? I, I thought people were talking, I guess it's mostly internet people.

• 27:19Theo Von?

  Yeah, I think it was more internet people. But it was kind of like... Hey, this, you know, or even just any side like, let's get one interview from a Palestinian guy.

• 27:28Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah, true.

• 27:30Theo Von?

  That shit was just kinda crazy. Hey, basketball fans, are you ready to win real money? Well, check out Pick Six from DraftKings. When it comes to basketball payouts, DraftKings Pick Six dunks on its rivals, including prize picks. Just select two or more players, that's how you do it with DraftKings Pick Six, and you choose if they'll have more or less of a certain stat, like points, rebounds, three pointers, and more. Pick Six is available in most states, including California, Texas, Georgia, Missouri, and more. Don't settle for a smaller payout, switch to Pick Six and cash in your basketball knowledge.

• 28:13Theo Von?

  New players get $50 in Pick Six credits instantly on just a $5 entry. Download the DraftKings Pick Six app now and use code T H E O. That's code Theo for new customers. To play $5, get $50 in Pick Six credits. Better payouts, bigger wins, only with Pick Six from DraftKings. The crown is yours.

• 28:38Speaker 05

  Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut. Must be 18 and over. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdiction. Pick Six not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited, one per new customer. Bonus awarded as non-withdrawable Pick Six credits that expire in 14 days. Limited time offer. See terms at picksix.draftkings.com/promos.

• 29:04Theo Von?

  UFC 314 is on the way. It's a stacked pay-per-view card, taking place live from Miami, Florida. In the main event, Alexander Volkanovski returns to face top contender Diego Lopez for the vacant featherweight championship. That's gonna be a banger. Michael Chandler also takes on Patty the Batty Pimblett in a five-round co-main event. Also on the card, Yair Rodriguez welcomes Patricio Pitbull to the UFC, and the Fighting Nerds look to continue their UFC unbeaten streaks.

• 29:47Theo Von?

  You can buy now at ESPNPLUS.com/THEO, or click the link in the description below. That's UFC 314. It's this Saturday at 10:00 PM Eastern Time, only on ESPN Plus pay-per-view. You can guarantee I will be getting it. You can buy now at ESPNPLUS.com/THEO, or click the link in the description below. Pitbull coming over from Bellator. Yair Rodriguez, one of the greats. You got Volkanovski versus Lopez. It's gonna be a banger.

• 30:30Theo Von?

  You have a, you have a new show that you're doing?

• 30:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm working on a, like a web series. I'm trying to sell it, but it's, it's called Page to Stage.

• 30:41Theo Von?

  Page to Stage?

• 30:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, like you come up with a bit idea, and then you go up at Zany's and work it out, and it's clunky, and then you work it out again and again and again, and then eventually you crack it, and then you're doing it at an arena. That's the show. So you, it shows the comic thinking of a bit, and then struggling with it, and then eventually figuring it out and killing with it.

• 30:59Theo Von?

  And like in between, oh, that's an example of it right there?

• 31:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, we've done a couple of episodes already, and this is episode one. We just put out episode two. Yeah, that's something. Hey, is this stupid? I'm bombing all day long here. God, I hope this wasn't an expensive ticket. Oh, this is great, man. Oh, thanks. I can't believe this has never been done. You got a dumb idea, that's how comedy starts. You take it on stage, it bombs, and you do it again. Two for. We'll work on that. Oh, God, we're supposed to be there.

• 31:32Theo Von?

  What else do you do here? You like break, you break down the bit with other friends?

• 31:35Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 31:35Theo Von?

  Kind of work on it?

• 31:36Speaker 01

  Exactly. Like me and Sam Morril or Chris DiStefano, we'll, we'll sit at the cellar and chop it up and try to figure out where the funny is and what angle to go with.

• 31:44Theo Von?

  You guys have so many just artisans up there.

• 31:47Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. It's like, it's comedy college over there.

• 31:49Theo Von?

  It's chefs. You guys have chefs.

• 31:51Speaker 01

  Yes, yes, exactly.

• 31:53Theo Von?

  We're down here selling hooters to fucking people.

• 31:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, but this is fun. This is Shane. This is fun as hell, though. I love Nashville. I mean, you got, the Zany's has opened another room. I mean, you guys are cooking.

• 32:03Theo Von?

  Yeah, I've been in there, that lab over there. It's great.

• 32:05Speaker 01

  Great room. So, yeah, this, and each episode will be a different con. I do the first one, then it'll be, you know, Ronnie Chang and Michelle Wolf and, uh, Shane.

• 32:14Theo Von?

  So the show is gonna be, it's just, um, different examples of that?

• 32:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, with different, each one is a different comic.

• 32:20Theo Von?

  Okay, got it.

• 32:21Speaker 01

  Working on a bit. So you could do one if you wanted or whoever and...

• 32:24Theo Von?

  Yeah, I wanna start working on some new stuff, man. I've been writing a lot of stuff. I just have to get, start getting on stage. I think I'll go down to Austin probably to work on it.

• 32:30Speaker 01

  Ooh, I like that. I mean, that mothership, you can't beat that room.

• 32:33Theo Von?

  Well, just to, just to have this, and also there's other rooms right around there. Brian Redman has a room right there.

• 32:38Speaker 01

  The Creek.

• 32:39Theo Von?

  Yeah, they have one room there. It's called like Skinny or whatever, you know what it's called, but it's like, they have...

• 32:44Speaker 01

  Tony's room?

• 32:46Theo Von?

  Way that it.

• 32:49Theo Von?

  But they have a lot of like, yeah, it's like, um, like, it's like Autistic Cat or whatever.

• 32:54Speaker 01

  Right, right, right. N-word Jones.

• 32:57Theo Von?

  Yeah, they have everything there, like, save the, like, dude, things there are so progressive, but also way, it's like, I've seen, like, save the N-words there and you're like, that does not seem...

• 33:10Speaker 01

  No, no.

• 33:11Theo Von?

  Like, it's like ra, it's like racist and progressive.

• 33:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:14Theo Von?

  Cause it's like Austin.

• 33:14Speaker 01

  Good intentions, but bad message.

• 33:16Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 33:17Speaker 01

  Bad title.

• 33:18Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's like, uh...

• 33:20Speaker 01

  Save the whales, but you're talking about fat people.

• 33:22Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 33:22Speaker 01

  No, but they, yeah, I mean, uh, Austin's fun, cause you, when you're working on new shit, you gotta be able to bounce around. You can't just do one set every now and then.

• 33:29Theo Von?

  I agree. And it's even a lot of times when you're working on new stuff, for, for me, it's like that third time you do it in a night, even if you don't even wanna do it.

• 33:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:36Theo Von?

  And nothing comes out of it, but it's still just burning that, like, every time you cook it, you just cook it. And it's like, so the next time will be good, right?

• 33:43Speaker 01

  Hundred percent. You know, they say, uh, when you lift weights, the one where you're like, ah, and you can't get it up, that's the one that matters the most. And it's the same with comedy, I think, when you're working on that new one, and you don't wanna say it, and it's not really working, that's when you find it, when you just push it.

• 33:57Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yeah dude, I have a buddy that just started comedy last week.

• 34:01Speaker 01

  No way.

• 34:02Theo Von?

  Friend of mine from AA, just started.

• 34:04Speaker 01

  Aren't you glad those day, I would hate to just start now. I mean, we're twenty eight, twenty years in or whatever the fuck. I used to watch you at open mics at fucking Lucy's Surfer Bar in New Orleans. Yeah, you were the guy. You had a hot girlfriend, you had some money, had a cool haircut.

• 34:19Theo Von?

  I didn't have, well, I had, I did have a very cute girlfriend.

• 34:22Speaker 01

  Oh, I still remember her.

• 34:23Theo Von?

  God, she was pretty, wasn't she?

• 34:24Speaker 01

  Oh, I think about her all the time.

• 34:26Theo Von?

  I'll be honest, I think about her a lot.

• 34:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, that was, that was really something. No one had a hot girlfriend back then. We were all losers in Louisiana.

• 34:33Theo Von?

  I remember walking by like some of the Saints players and they're all said, we're gonna steal your girlfriend.

• 34:38Speaker 01

  That sounds about right. That's what they do.

• 34:40Theo Von?

  And they did. That's the crazy part. Nah, I don't know, but yeah dude, God, bro, when we went to Lucy's, that was fun, dude.

• 34:47Speaker 01

  That was not a care in the world. There was no phones, there was no, we gotta get a clip. There was no video shit. It was just, just for the love of the game.

• 34:54Theo Von?

  And they had all kind of like, uh, Dane Foché, remember him?

• 34:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, of course, funny guy.

• 34:58Theo Von?

  And then he was in that documentary, did you see that?

• 35:01Speaker 01

  No, what doc?

• 35:03Theo Von?

  I don't know if he's okay with talking about this, but bring it up, Dane Foché.

• 35:07Speaker 01

  I love those old Louisiana names. Foché, Thibodeau, uh, Landry.

• 35:13Theo Von?

  Yeah, it was like, uh.

• 35:15Speaker 01

  Remember Sean Patton was down there? Oh yeah, there he is, good old Dane. I looked up to him too when I started.

• 35:20Theo Von?

  Oh dude, same bro. And also one of the nicest guys.

• 35:23Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, great guy and, and he was really like, he welcomed everybody. Hey, we're doing comedy, good to have you. And it was the first time I had like a group, like a clique.

• 35:31Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 35:31Speaker 01

  Felt like a cult.

• 35:32Theo Von?

  Dude, yeah, Dane's an awesome guy. And, but they had a docu, he was part of a very important docu, uh, no, uh, it's called Our Friend, what is it? Our Friend is a 2019 American biographical drama film directed by Gabriella Calperthwaite and written by Brad Inglesby, based on Matthew Teague's 2015 Esquire article, The Friend: Love Is Not A Big Enough Word.

• 35:54Speaker 01

  Geez, Jason Segel, Dakota Johns, Casey Affleck? Holy, how did I not know about? This is huge.

• 36:00Theo Von?

  And it's based on one of the, I think the main character. Is based on him. Um, scroll some.

• 36:07Speaker 01

  Oh God, are you gonna tell me he's got some disease?

• 36:09Theo Von?

  In a flashback to 2000, Matt, a journalist and a Nicholas theater performer live in New Orleans. She introduces Matt to Dane, a friend from college, working as a camera operator who dreams of becoming a stand-up comic.

• 36:19Speaker 01

  Oh, there you go.

• 36:20Theo Von?

  Um, yeah. Wow, dude. Yeah, dude, this is a very, this is a cool thing to watch.

• 36:26Speaker 01

  Good for him, yeah. Comedy's so big right now. I mean, you're talking to presidents, vice president Bernie Sanders. It's, it's weird how intertwined it all is.

• 36:34Theo Von?

  Well, I think everything's getting kind of bizarre now, you know?

• 36:37Speaker 01

  Hundred percent.

• 36:38Theo Von?

  Um, everything is getting like turning into the WWE.

• 36:41Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 36:42Theo Von?

  Been saying this for years. It's like, yeah, you can have, like, you can literally, next month, you could have Wolf Blitzer. Fighting that, um, who was that, like, uh, save the whales, like, kind of like?

• 36:55Speaker 01

  AOC.

• 36:56Theo Von?

  Kid or whatever that was like?

• 36:58Speaker 01

  Uh, Elliot Page?

• 37:00Theo Von?

  Representing us.

• 37:01Speaker 01

  Oh, David Hogg?

• 37:03Theo Von?

  No, you are not. It was a wa- uh, woman, more woman than?

• 37:06Speaker 01

  More woman, uh?

• 37:07Theo Von?

  You are not speaking for us.

• 37:09Speaker 01

  Oh, Greta Thunberg.

• 37:11Theo Von?

  Greta Thunberg.

• 37:11Speaker 01

  What happened to her, by the way? She jumped ship.

• 37:13Theo Von?

  Well, she started, she started saying stuff that liberals didn't agree. She started like, oh, she was speaking out for Palestine. And now they're like, ah, fuck her.

• 37:21Speaker 01

  Oh, really? Well, what about the environment? I thought that was her, she would take a steamboat from Sweden to, to yell at somebody on a, on a, on a soapbox.

• 37:30Theo Von?

  Well, the second she wore that Palestinian garb, they're like, nah, she doesn't even make any sense anymore.

• 37:34Speaker 01

  Oh, damn. Wow. How old is she now? Has she got an OnlyFans?

• 37:38Theo Von?

  I don't.

• 37:41Speaker 01

  Oh, 22. All right. She's of age.

• 37:43Theo Von?

  Oh, we're going to hell.

• 37:44Speaker 01

  I'm sorry.

• 37:45Theo Von?

  But hey, we're going together.

• 37:46Speaker 01

  Dude, she's got a solar-powered vibrator.

• 37:48Theo Von?

  Remember?

• 37:50Speaker 01

  Check out my carbon foot fetish.

• 37:54Theo Von?

  This is fucking crazy, bro. Are you always this funny? This is the mo- you've changed my life today, dude.

• 38:00Speaker 01

  Oh, well, I'm hungover. I'm on no sleep, so I'm just, I'm riding off gay fumes here.

• 38:05Theo Von?

  No sleep. Tell Brooklyn. Um, no, dude, remember the other comics they had? Wild Bill. Remember Wild Bill?

• 38:15Speaker 01

  Oh, Wild Bill Dykes.

• 38:16Theo Von?

  Wild Bill Dykes, dude.

• 38:18Speaker 01

  He was on some TV show, like Bar Rescue, some bullshit like that. And that was, I was like, he's been on TV, and same with you. I was like, you've been on TV. I couldn't believe it.

• 38:27Theo Von?

  Wild fucking Bill Dykes, dude. A legend, dude.

• 38:30Speaker 01

  But that's the thing. You had to wait to get tapped to get on TV, and you got six seconds on some weird show. And now we got the internet, so we can just put it all out there.

• 38:37Theo Von?

  Yeah. Now you can just be like, hey, I'm an alcoholic, and just tell people straight up.

• 38:42Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 38:43Theo Von?

  And a lot of comedians and ones were just alcoholics that were trying to stay away from their families or wives at night.

• 38:48Speaker 01

  Hundred percent.

• 38:49Theo Von?

  Let's say that factually, and no judgment. I didn't have a wife or anything at that time, but you'd see guys coming in, you know, have a couple in their car.

• 38:56Speaker 01

  Yes, yes, exactly. We were all, I was terrified. I had stage fright like a motherfucker.

• 39:02Theo Von?

  Well, we all had sta- we all had stage fright and salt poisoning from living in Louisiana, the gout capital.

• 39:09Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. A lot of sodium.

• 39:10Theo Von?

  Yeah, they had that one comic, Black Gout, or whatever his name was. He was just like kind of an older black guy.

• 39:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, the, the black comics all had like chicken fry, cornbread, red bean.

• 39:20Theo Von?

  Red bean.

• 39:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:21Theo Von?

  Yup.

• 39:21Speaker 01

  They all had cool names. Salami, Rob. Yeah, they were fun. Gumbo Jones.

• 39:27Theo Von?

  Spicy child evasion.

• 39:30Speaker 01

  Sickles Cell.

• 39:31Theo Von?

  Sickles Cell Wilson.

• 39:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, those were, those were wild times. And we all got along.

• 39:37Theo Von?

  Oh, it was so much fun.

• 39:38Speaker 01

  So much fun.

• 39:39Theo Von?

  T. Ray, remember him?

• 39:40Speaker 01

  T. Ray! Holy shit.

• 39:42Theo Von?

  He was a pro when we started.

• 39:44Speaker 01

  That dude was a legend in, in Louisiana.

• 39:46Theo Von?

  He was a legend, dude.

• 39:48Speaker 01

  First comic I ever saw, remember the Funny Bone in Baton Rouge?

• 39:51Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 39:51Speaker 01

  They had a Funny Bone. I saw Chris Porter there in like 2002 or something. And he was killing. I still remember his act. He had a bit about, uh, he's like, smoking and drinking, they go together. You can drink without smoking, but you can't smoke without drinking. It's kind of like, you can take a piss without shitting, but you can't shit without pissing. And I was like.

• 40:12Speaker 01

  Blew my fucking mind.

• 40:13Theo Von?

  Where are we?

• 40:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:15Theo Von?

  God, dude, yeah, Chris Porter. And that's when he got on to Last Comic, too.

• 40:20Speaker 01

  Yes, yes.

• 40:21Theo Von?

  Remember? And that's when kind of the handicapped era started on Last Comic. With Josh Blue, who was hilarious, who made, Josh Blue was one of the best at having a disability, but also being a comedian, right?

• 40:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:31Theo Von?

  But I think it definitely launched a wave of, you know, and it kind of ended with that guy who faked having cancer for Ellen or whatever.

• 40:37Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah, that was bad. That was bad.

• 40:40Theo Von?

  Chocolate cancer. What was that guy's name? The comedian? What was that guy's name?

• 40:45Speaker 01

  I think it was Bob Melonoma.

• 40:46Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, I think it was. Oh, I think it was Jarvis Malignant.

• 40:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, he, uh, colon cancer powell, but.

• 40:57Theo Von?

  Benign Johnson.

• 41:00Speaker 01

  You better get that lump checked out, Peter. But yeah, he, oh, that's, gee, I feel bad calling him out, but he, he got kind of called out and then he got an HBO special, then it all just went to shit.

• 41:11Theo Von?

  Yeah, well, let's just click on that right there. Whatever happened to the comedian that Quincy Jones was his name? Uh, Jones graduated from, uh, on August 25th, Jones was diagnosed with stage four mesothelioma and given one year to live. He began receiving treatment with chemo. Friends set up a Kickstarter for him to produce a stand-up comedy special starring Jones. His story went viral after he appeared on Ellen. After he raised $50,000, wow, that's incredible. Jones filmed a comedy special at the T- Terragram Ballroom in LA.

• 41:38Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 41:39Theo Von?

  Um, titled Burning the Light. That's a great name for it, too.

• 41:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:43Theo Von?

  Um, whatever happened after that? Anything? Go to that Reddit page then. Let's get some real info.

• 41:48Speaker 01

  Well, it's a weird thing when you tell people you have cancer, because then they get mad that you're alive. That's a weird place to be in life. Oh, you're still alive? Fuck you.

• 41:55Theo Von?

  Yeah, we had a guy like that who had done a couple fundraisers or whatever, and he was still alive, and people would get so fucking pissed at him.

• 42:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, we gave you money. We did a GoFundMe and you're supposed to be dead.

• 42:04Theo Von?

  Get in the coffin.

• 42:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:05Theo Von?

  Get in the coffin. [bleep] it.

• 42:07Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 42:08Theo Von?

  People were like, why is he gay? Just because he lied about that?

• 42:12Speaker 01

  That's true. Um, but I remember back then, I was like, oh, my God, I wish I got cancer. Because it was so hard to get a special or on TV.

• 42:19Theo Von?

  Totally. I was like, oh, every mole I had, I was like, check this bitch.

• 42:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, put me in the sun and some radiation on my ass. I'll start smoking.

• 42:26Theo Von?

  I would put little fake moles in my arm when I went on stage. But whatever happened, though, this is curious, he may have just gotten better, which probably made it also uncomfortable for him. Is there any information? Can you scroll up or down or something?

• 42:37Speaker 01

  I hope he got better. That he's still active. Oh, that's tough.

• 42:43Theo Von?

  That's tough, dude. You gotta get into remission.

• 42:45Speaker 01

  He's like the Magic Johnson of cancer. He won't die. That AIDS, what happened? We used to be so scared of AIDS and Magic Johnson is kicking.

• 42:54Theo Von?

  He beat AIDS so hard. I will tell a story though. I've told this before, but

• 42:57Speaker 01

  Please.

• 42:58Theo Von?

  I was at a restaurant where someone was choking to death, right? And Magic Johnson was there.

• 43:03Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 43:04Theo Von?

  So everybody, they, they, it was like a Chinese restaurant kind of place. And so they brought out a, um, wall. They brought out a little, one of those Chinese walls. They fold up. It's like

• 43:14Speaker 01

  Ah, a great wall.

• 43:15Theo Von?

  Yeah. It's like a very great wall, but it's short.

• 43:17Speaker 01

  I know those.

• 43:18Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 43:18Speaker 01

  You could change behind them or whatever.

• 43:20Theo Von?

  Yes, change behind them real quick. They brought that out and started doing CPR on the guy behind the wall. And we're all just sitting there. And it's kind of like a nice place. We're all eating, but everybody stopped eating because it's like you can't eat while a guy is like choking to death.

• 43:34Speaker 01

  Of course, of course.

• 43:35Theo Von?

  And they're doing CPR and shit on him. So then everybody starts kind of looking at Magic Johnson, like, when do we eat, right? He became somehow like the, like the liaison of feasting or whatever they call it.

• 43:49Speaker 01

  Right.

• 43:49Theo Von?

  In the like Greek mythology or whatever. And so everybody's like watching him and you can tell he starts to feel this pressure. When do we eat? And they get the guy back, right?

• 43:59Speaker 01

  Oh, thank God.

• 44:00Theo Von?

  So you can hear him, ah, he starts coughing. Everybody claps, right? So everybody takes one bite and then fucking something happened immediately. And the guy coded. The guy died right there.

• 44:09Speaker 01

  Shut up.

• 44:10Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 44:11Speaker 01

  Holy shit.

• 44:12Theo Von?

  Guy died.

• 44:13Speaker 01

  Now what do you do with the food? Do you finish it?

• 44:15Theo Von?

  Uh, we waited like seven or eight minutes and then we ate as quiet as we've ever eaten.

• 44:21Speaker 01

  Oh, man, that's awkward. And they gotta wheel him out on the gurney and you got a mouthful of General Tso.

• 44:25Theo Von?

  Oh, you chew so quietly, dude. Oh, dude. And if your wife doesn't salute you like that when you eat General Tso, you're not a, you're not a fucking true American Asian.

• 44:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, she'll get a kung pow.

• 44:36Theo Von?

  That's, yeah, that's what I'm saying, dude. I'll fuck.

• 44:40Speaker 01

  Speaking of, did you see these, uh, Yankee bats, by the way?

• 44:43Theo Von?

  Oh, I've heard about this.

• 44:44Speaker 01

  This is pretty, I want to get your take on these bats. I don't know where the Yankees have, their bats are fat as shit. Oh, come on.

• 44:52Theo Von?

  Nah, uh, that's what they're using now?

• 44:54Speaker 01

  The torpedo bat, yeah. Oh, yeah. They, they plump them up a little.

• 44:58Theo Von?

  Like in the middle?

• 44:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, like a weird dick that girthy in the middle and then cones out.

• 45:04Theo Von?

  Well, that seems weird because wouldn't the angle of the bat then affect which direction you're hitting the ball even?

• 45:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think, but they engineered it perfectly where it just sails it. It works every time.

• 45:14Theo Von?

  During spring training, someone in the organization for the Yankees had mentioned to Kay that the team's analytics department had counseled players on where pitches tended to strike their bats. And with subsequent buy-in from some of the players, bats have been designed around that information. In the hours before the Yankees' home game against the Brewers that day, Kay, who is the Yankees' play-by-play man, told the Y E S. Network production staff about this, alerting them so they could look for an opportunity to highlight the equipment. After the Yankees club four homers in the first inning, a camera zoomed in on Jay Chisholm's bat in the second inning. "You see the shape of Chisholm's bat," Kay said on air. "It's got a big barrel on it." Wow, and it does, it has a look towards like the one part like a snake digesting something a bit.

• 45:57Speaker 01

  Yes, yes, exactly.

• 45:59Theo Von?

  Wow, and how are the Yankees doing so far? Was that just one good game to start off?

• 46:04Speaker 01

  No, they're killing it. I mean, you got four homers in the first inning. I mean, they're like, they're on fire, which they were already a good team, but now they got this secret weapon.

• 46:12Theo Von?

  Oh, they're four and two right now, gang, starting off big.

• 46:14Speaker 01

  Okay. Still know Otani. That guy's incredible.

• 46:19Theo Von?

  Oh, he's so good, man. Yeah, that's interesting. How like, are they allowed to just change their bats like that? Can you look at why they're allowed to do that?

• 46:28Speaker 01

  I think it's one of those air bud things. It's other than the rulebook says you can't have a fat bat or whatever it is.

• 46:32Theo Von?

  Yeah. The idea of the torpedo bat is to take a size format, say 34 inches and 32 ounces, and distribute the wood in a different shape than the traditional form to ensure the fattest part of the bat is located where the player makes the most contact. Wow.

• 46:48Speaker 01

  It's just a loophole. They found a loophole that's still legal. It's the same amount of wood, but they just put it in different spots of the bat.

• 46:54Theo Von?

  The torpedo bat moves some of the mass on the end of the bat about six to seven inches lower, giving it a bowling pin shape with a much thinner end. The benefits for those who like swinging with it, and not everyone who has swung with it likes it, are twofold. Both are rooted in logic and physics. The first is that distributing more mass to the area of most frequent contact aligns with players' swing patterns and provides greater impact when the bat strikes ball.

• 47:18Theo Von?

  The second benefit in theory is increased bat speed. Imagine a sledgehammer and a broomstick that both weigh 32 ounces. The sledgehammer's weight is almost all at the end, whereas the broomstick is distributed evenly.

• 47:29Speaker 01

  Damn.

• 47:30Theo Von?

  Which is easier to swing fast, the broomstick, of course. So they're saying that it's slower to swing the new one?

• 47:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, but it's got more impact.

• 47:39Theo Von?

  By shedding some of the weight off the end of the torpedo bat and moving it towards the middle, hitters have found it swings very similarly to a traditional model, but with

• 47:48Theo Von?

  slightly faster bat velocity.

• 47:50Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 47:51Theo Von?

  Huh.

• 47:51Speaker 01

  I haven't seen a bat like that since the wet market.

• 47:54Theo Von?

  God, I know, huh? Damn, that's interesting. I wonder what other loopholes have I noticed? What other things? Well, there was a part where they allegedly deflated the ball some.

• 48:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, with the Patriots.

• 48:05Theo Von?

  What else has kind of happened over the years?

• 48:07Speaker 01

  Hmm. Lot of steroids.

• 48:10Theo Von?

  Yeah, steroids was so big.

• 48:11Speaker 01

  I don't know if that's a loophole, but yeah.

• 48:13Theo Von?

  I'd love to talk to Barry Bonds, that'd be crazy.

• 48:15Speaker 01

  Oh, man, what a run he had.

• 48:17Theo Von?

  I know.

• 48:18Speaker 01

  And he looked crazy, too. He was like a superhuman.

• 48:20Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 48:21Speaker 01

  Mark McGuire.

• 48:22Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 48:22Speaker 01

  Him, too. You could see it's like he's pink. He's like, he's got like ball skin on his forearms.

• 48:29Theo Von?

  Dude, can you believe that women, like, used to not even be able to talk that much? Isn't that crazy?

• 48:34Speaker 01

  Those were the days.

• 48:35Theo Von?

  But can you even imagine that? Like, you're at dinner and a guy comes up to talk and you talk to him, your wife tries to say something, you're like, honey?

• 48:41Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 48:43Theo Von?

  Let the, let the guy, let us do business here.

• 48:45Speaker 01

  Well, women really got screwed because, like, they couldn't really make a lot of money back then, so they needed a guy who had a house and a car and a job, so like, they had to be nice and play ball. That's gotta suck.

• 48:56Theo Von?

  You imagine the resentment built up in a lot of those women?

• 48:58Speaker 01

  Oh, of course, of course.

• 49:00Theo Von?

  That's why a lot of third-generation women are squatters, I think, because it's all that resentment built up.

• 49:04Speaker 01

  That's true, yeah, it all comes out. That's, that's fucking, uh, what do you call that? Uh, oh, what's the word when they can't vote?

• 49:12Theo Von?

  Oh, that's um.

• 49:13Speaker 01

  Suppression? No, uh, well, there's a word where they can't vote.

• 49:17Theo Von?

  We'll get it right. Voter suppression, um.

• 49:19Speaker 01

  Something like that.

• 49:21Theo Von?

  Um.

• 49:22Speaker 01

  Suffrage? Suffrage?

• 49:24Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 49:24Speaker 01

  Women's suffrage?

• 49:25Theo Von?

  That's women's suffrage, dude. Yeah, it's a streamline, brother.

• 49:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:29Theo Von?

  That is a damn damn, huh?

• 49:31Speaker 01

  You ever got a squirt from a lady?

• 49:33Theo Von?

  I mean, I, oh, I knew a gal that could, oh.

• 49:36Speaker 01

  Super soak?

• 49:37Theo Von?

  She, no, but she was just articulate.

• 49:39Speaker 01

  Oh, damn. Like she could.

• 49:41Theo Von?

  Oh, she could fucking autograph a curtain. I knew a girl, definitely, that could fucking wash your cat's eyes before you could blink them.

• 49:50Speaker 01

  It was like those, uh, the windshield wipe squirter, you know, you clean the window?

• 49:55Theo Von?

  Oh, dude, yeah.

• 49:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, I had a lady, it was like a, like a fire hydrant in a black neighborhood. I mean, she would just stand up and it would gush. It was a great time. I loved it. I mean, my bed was ruined.

• 50:06Theo Von?

  Oh, dude, and there's a couple of young sisters double dutching in it.

• 50:11Theo Von?

  That's the craziest part, dude.

• 50:13Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah. Love a squirt, cause with a female orgasm, there's not really a lot of proof.

• 50:17Theo Von?

  Right.

• 50:17Speaker 01

  So it's nice to get some, uh, results.

• 50:19Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, that's David Slopperfield, homie, that thing. It's crazy, bro. Those things get going.

• 50:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, squirt and Ernie.

• 50:27Theo Von?

  And sometimes, you can't turn them off, dude.

• 50:30Speaker 01

  No, no.

• 50:31Theo Von?

  And it's a lot of Asians, bro, Sesame Street.

• 50:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Tickled me elmo. But sometimes you're like, enough, you gotta put a cork in there or an old rag.

• 50:40Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, dude, it's crazy. Oh, you, bro, you'd have to put siding on your bed.

• 50:44Speaker 01

  You need a gutter on the side of your bed just to get some runoff. You gotta clean the leaves out every year, but still.

• 50:50Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, dude, it was, bro, that, yeah, you get somebody that's a real galosh, or you'd have to fucking, somebody like, damn, are you from Maine or something? What's even going on here?

• 51:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, you need rain boots.

• 51:01Theo Von?

  It was crazy. Oh, you'd have to use that stuff that you would use on your car. It was like, um, Rain-X, remember that?

• 51:07Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 51:08Theo Von?

  Dude, when Rain-X came out, we got high, or like, cause we'd seen commercials that'll like make the, the rain bead off your window.

• 51:15Speaker 01

  Yes, exactly.

• 51:17Theo Von?

  So we'd Rain-X our cars, get stoned, drive in the rain and watch it bead off. We'd be like, no.

• 51:21Speaker 01

  Oh, that's a good time.

• 51:23Theo Von?

  Those are the good times, dude.

• 51:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:25Theo Von?

  Um, you ever realize that you spent your entire morning thinking about lunch? It's 9:00 a.m. and somehow I'm already in negotiations with myself about how I'm gonna spend $20 on a sandwich at noon.

• 51:40Theo Von?

  And then I eat it, or you eat it, or somebody eats it. And then an hour later, you're just standing in the kitchen worrying about what you'll do for dinner. And that's one reason why I've been into Huell. The Black Edition Powder is a complete meal you have instead of food, not a shake on top of food. Their powder starts at less than $3 per meal, has 40 grams of protein, and mixes with water or milk in about 30 seconds. I like Huell's shakes because they're clean and it's quick. Sometimes I just want to make sure I have everything I need to keep going the way I want to keep going in a healthy manner. So with Huell, basically lunch went from a daily logistical problem to a thing I can solve in about 30 seconds. Make healthy eating simple.

• 52:25Theo Von?

  New customers get an exclusive offer of 15% off online with my code WEEKEND at huell.com/weekend. That's H-U-E-L dot com slash weekend. Thank you to Huell for partnering and supporting our show. You want to be ready when somebody knocks on your wiener door to answer. That's what I'm talking about, baby. BlueChew. BlueChew will get you stacked up. I'm stacked. I'm upstairs. Have better sex with BlueChew. BlueChew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. And starting now, BlueChew is offering a combo so strong it'll knock your socks off your wiener.

• 53:11Theo Von?

  That's right. You'll have to move towns with the amount of noise you'll be making. BlueChew Max has arrived. And it combines the active ingredients of Viagra and Cialis into one chewable. This combo acts fast and lasts. Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at BlueChew.com. And we've got a special deal for our listeners. Try your first month of BlueChew free when you use promo code Theo. Just pay $5 shipping. That's promo code T-H-E-O. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast. We've all been there where you sign up for something and then you forget about it.

• 53:57Theo Von?

  After the trial period ends and then you're charged. I was getting charged for um a dang umbrella deal I got in. I keep getting these umbrellas in the mail and I'm just damn, I don't know, just just soaked in in extra payments is really what I'm soaked in. It happens to everyone. You're charged month after month. Your subscriptions are there, but you're not using them. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions,

• 54:39Theo Von?

  saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's premium features. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com/theo today. That's rocketmoney.com/theo. Rocketmoney.com/theo. Yeah, what was I thinking about, dude? Uh.

• 55:08Speaker 01

  You want kids?

• 55:09Theo Von?

  Yeah, I gotta get a kid, man.

• 55:10Speaker 01

  I mean, hey, no pressure. I don't want to be one of those kid guys. You're like, you gotta do it, change your life. Super meaningful. I'm not not doing that. I'm just saying, you'd be a good dad.

• 55:19Theo Von?

  Thanks, dude. I appreciate it. I think, yeah, I I gotta change some of my, a little bit of like some of my patterns, kind of.

• 55:25Speaker 01

  Well, we all have some fucked up tendencies and all that, but.

• 55:28Theo Von?

  Did you have, like, how did you change your tendencies to meet a to meet a woman? And I know you have a child now, but how did you change your tendencies? Because you were kind of like a rost about man, huh?

• 55:36Speaker 01

  Sure, a man about town. I like to paint it red, but uh, I don't know, I just was getting older and I knew I wanted kids. And then you start doing the math. You're like, all right, if I have a kid at 50, by the time he's 10, I'll be 60. You had an old dad.

• 55:49Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 55:49Speaker 01

  You know, it's tough on a kid.

• 55:51Theo Von?

  It's so, it's tough.

• 55:52Speaker 01

  So, and I heard Bill Burr say, not to bring him up again, but he was like, I should have done this 10 years earlier. And I heard that and I was like, oh shit, maybe I should do it now.

• 56:01Theo Von?

  And he's the truth.

• 56:02Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So.

• 56:04Theo Von?

  The average age of new fathers in the United States has risen from 30.9, uh, risen to 30.9 years. A significant increase from 27.4 years in 1972. Wow.

• 56:15Speaker 01

  Actually, I thought it'd be higher.

• 56:16Theo Von?

  So it's going up. So it's almost 31 years right now. Um.

• 56:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, I live in New York. People are having kids at fucking 45. Like Schultz just had a kid. He's 41.

• 56:26Theo Von?

  Is he?

• 56:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:27Theo Von?

  God, he looks great.

• 56:27Speaker 01

  Oh, he's a, he's a sexy, sexy man.

• 56:30Theo Von?

  Definitely.

• 56:31Speaker 01

  He looks like an old bullfighter or something.

• 56:32Theo Von?

  Oh, he definitely looks like the last matador.

• 56:35Speaker 01

  Yeah. Look at that stash and the hair.

• 56:38Theo Von?

  He looks like definitely the guy that'll turn a triple play at a glory hole, you know?

• 56:42Speaker 01

  Yeah. He looks like a, like a French villain.

• 56:45Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, he does, dude. Oh, he's always definitely had that very like, America's favorite spice trader guy.

• 56:51Speaker 01

  Right, right. Like he sells knives in Bangladesh.

• 56:55Theo Von?

  Yeah, he definitely looks like a guy that'll sell you a secret.

• 56:58Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 57:00Theo Von?

  For sure.

• 57:00Speaker 01

  Definitely.

• 57:01Theo Von?

  He's a unique guy.

• 57:02Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

• 57:03Theo Von?

  He's a very unique guy, dude. His new special, I think, is the best looking comedy special I've seen.

• 57:07Speaker 01

  He, oh, yeah, it's, it's so beautiful. Like the Beacon Theater's killer and the way he starts it with that montage. Like you get choked up.

• 57:15Theo Von?

  I thought it was really, really amazing. Um, you have a child now, man.

• 57:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's crazy.

• 57:20Theo Von?

  That's insane to see you right now and be talking to you for the past 40 minutes and then realize this guy has a human child.

• 57:26Speaker 01

  I mean, it'll get taken away at some point, but for now, let it ride.

• 57:31Theo Von?

  God, probably from Ice or whatever.

• 57:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, there it is. Wow. Wow. What sad news source reported on that.

• 57:37Theo Von?

  May Planner gives birth to her first child with Mark Norman.

• 57:40Speaker 01

  Look at that fat little nugget there. It's got a bad hairline already.

• 57:44Theo Von?

  Wow, it very much has that Kevin from The Office look, huh?

• 57:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 57:49Theo Von?

  Um, wow, your wife looks great even post-birth right there.

• 57:52Speaker 01

  She killed it. Yeah, she looked good the whole time and she did the old C-sect, so the clam is intact.

• 57:58Theo Von?

  Yeah, huh? Fresh seafood!

• 58:00Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, still oyster shucking. But yeah, you really, you really, you really get all mushy with the thing.

• 58:08Theo Von?

  Being as cynical as comedians are, right? What does cynical mean?

• 58:11Speaker 01

  Uh, like negative and always looking at the bad, not the good, I think, something like that.

• 58:16Theo Von?

  I think, well, I noticed for myself, it's hard for me sometimes, or it used to be for sure. When like something was really real, like a real moment, it was hard for me to like experience it as a real moment.

• 58:25Speaker 01

  Ty, who are you talking to here?

• 58:27Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 58:27Speaker 01

  Come on.

• 58:28Theo Von?

  I thought that was you.

• 58:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm all tism.

• 58:30Theo Von?

  Yeah, and so was that kinda, did that come into play at all? Do you notice that part of you come in and you almost have to stop it?

• 58:37Speaker 01

  Yes, yes, but with the baby, you can't help it. Like, you're talking baby talk and you're just like gushing with love and you pour it right on him and you feel it and you go, fuck it, I'm doing it anyway. I'm letting go. I'm gonna love this kid.

• 58:50Theo Von?

  So it feels really real, so it's like super real feeling?

• 58:53Speaker 01

  Super real. I mean, that came out of your ball bag and her stomach. I mean, the whole thing is, it's surreal that you made this thing.

• 59:00Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 59:01Speaker 01

  And it's gonna grow up and have a personality and, you know, weird addictions and, you know, thoughts on races. And that's all gonna form right there in his little noggin.

• 59:11Theo Von?

  God.

• 59:11Speaker 01

  It's fascinating.

• 59:13Theo Von?

  Does it create a new relationship with your wife? Like, is there now some, like, cause I've heard Schultz say that like, you know, you now, like, he would have times where he would call his wife to check on the baby and not be checking on her, kind of, and so like, he said, just, there were little dynamics like that that he started to notice where... Does it make like a new relationship with you and your wife? Does things still seem the same? Does it, or everything's just normal? Like, any thoughts on any of that?

• 59:37Speaker 01

  It's super different. Like, you, the baby becomes the priority, so you start to forget about each other, you know, it just becomes like, all right, I'll take him for this moment, you take him for that moment, you feed him, did you, did you put him down? How's that going? So it turns into scheduling and very, um, like calculated almost. So you gotta stay lovey, you gotta stay a couple. And so it's kinda like the two of you versus the baby. And you become a team, but you gotta make the team fun. You can't just go all in on logistics. You gotta still be cuddly and sexy and all that shit and fun.

• 1:00:09Theo Von?

  And is it hard, how long do you have to wait before you can be sexually active with your spouse?

• 1:00:14Speaker 01

  I think it was six weeks. So we did like six weeks and a day before I went and I jizzed dinner on accident. And I was like, what am I doing? I'm an idiot. This is how the Jackson 5 started, you know?

• 1:00:26Theo Von?

  Why would you do that?

• 1:00:27Speaker 01

  I was like, I was, I had been so long and I lasted like eight seconds and uh,

• 1:00:33Speaker 01

  I couldn't pull out. It felt good at that warm meat pocket. So I-

• 1:00:38Theo Von?

  You knew what just happened there?

• 1:00:39Speaker 01

  I know, I know. I'm an idiot. But I hope, hopefully she's barren at this point.

• 1:00:44Theo Von?

  But that's like go, it's like, like walking out of a burning building, right?

• 1:00:49Speaker 01

  Going into another one.

• 1:00:49Theo Von?

  And then, yeah, hold on, and then-

• 1:00:51Speaker 01

  It's like leaving tower one and going in tower two.

• 1:00:53Theo Von?

  Yeah, and it says gas above the door and you go in there and fucking blaze up a smoke.

• 1:00:58Speaker 01

  I know, I couldn't help it. And she was like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, you're right, you're right. So-

• 1:01:03Theo Von?

  Do you think you did that? Is it almost, was it territorial or were you just partying?

• 1:01:07Speaker 01

  I think I was partying. I let loose too much. I, I'm an idiot. But I'm, I'm just lucky we had a kid the normal way, the old fashioned way. Everyone else is doing the IVF and adopting and all that. So-

• 1:01:18Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:19Speaker 01

  It's nice that these kids can swim.

• 1:01:21Theo Von?

  Oh, that is nice, man. I'll worry about that. Someone had a baby out of their butt too. Did you see that?

• 1:01:26Speaker 01

  No, no.

• 1:01:27Theo Von?

  Bring that up.

• 1:01:28Speaker 01

  An ass baby? That's tough.

• 1:01:31Theo Von?

  Well, it's uh-

• 1:01:32Speaker 01

  That's some good sperm.

• 1:01:33Theo Von?

  These days it's the only way to get into this country, it feels like.

• 1:01:38Theo Von?

  Anal birth. Let's look at them.

• 1:01:41Theo Von?

  That's on Apple. Whoa, whoa buddy, hold on.

• 1:01:45Speaker 01

  Anyone else hard?

• 1:01:46Theo Von?

  God, bro.

• 1:01:47Speaker 01

  Jesus.

• 1:01:48Theo Von?

  Just the article.

• 1:01:49Speaker 01

  That was wild.

• 1:01:51Theo Von?

  There is. There was something on there.

• 1:01:55Theo Von?

  Oh, there are? Uh, they'll come around. Somebody will write the article.

• 1:01:59Speaker 01

  Yeah. Is that real?

• 1:02:00Theo Von?

  Huh?

• 1:02:00Speaker 01

  Real ass baby?

• 1:02:01Theo Von?

  It has to have had to happen.

• 1:02:02Speaker 01

  Wow. I guess it just came out the wrong chute, you know?

• 1:02:06Theo Von?

  Yeah, the baby, a lot of them are working backwards. It's like, yeah. Have you ever seen those pictures of those guys that get stuck in those tunnels like in fucking-

• 1:02:12Speaker 01

  Jews? Yeah, of course. But the baby, it just got off on the wrong exit. They don't have GPS, you know?

• 1:02:19Theo Von?

  They should have, yeah. But they, it's like, head towards the light, brother.

• 1:02:23Speaker 01

  Guess so, yeah. Avoid the boom boom and go with the clam clam.

• 1:02:27Theo Von?

  Come on, god, dude, that's crazy, man.

• 1:02:30Speaker 01

  That is crazy. It's weird how close they are, isn't that weird? The butthole and the vagina, they're like an inch apart.

• 1:02:35Theo Von?

  Put them further apart.

• 1:02:36Speaker 01

  What are we doing here? It's like Israel and Palestine. That's two arch enemies living right next door to each other.

• 1:02:41Theo Von?

  That's ridiculous, dude.

• 1:02:43Speaker 01

  And the Gaza Strip right in the middle.

• 1:02:46Theo Von?

  What has, um, speaking of that, has there been like a lot of turmoil in, do you see a lot of turmoil in the state, in New York City?

• 1:02:52Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, it's crazy.

• 1:02:54Theo Von?

  Is it really?

• 1:02:54Speaker 01

  It's real. I mean, Columbia University is a hotbed of controversy and they deported that guy, whatever his name, Mohammed, uh, Falafel face. And, uh, yeah, it's, it's rough.

• 1:03:06Theo Von?

  Food trucks went missing too, ironically, this same day. Bring that guy up.

• 1:03:10Speaker 01

  Is that right?

• 1:03:11Theo Von?

  I don't know.

• 1:03:12Speaker 01

  Oh, I didn't hear about the, uh, the old PETA.

• 1:03:15Theo Von?

  I can't believe, after all the things that have been said, that's the one where you say, is that right?

• 1:03:21Speaker 01

  I mean, I believe it. That shawarma is missing.

• 1:03:24Theo Von?

  Oh, dude, yeah, dude.

• 1:03:25Speaker 01

  Swarm's my heart.

• 1:03:26Theo Von?

  Oh, swarm's my heart. How is that not a shirt? Or I'm sure it's the name of a food truck.

• 1:03:30Speaker 01

  It's gotta be.

• 1:03:32Theo Von?

  Yeah. What do we know about foreign college students targeted for deportation? Yeah, which one did they have? The Trump administration has set off a legal and ethical firestorm by targeting international students at US colleges for deportation, including some whom the government alleges participated in pro Palestinian protests or activities on campus.

• 1:03:50Speaker 01

  I will say, to be a Jewish guy around this has gotta be awkward. Like, I feel like there's a lot of antisemitism hurled at them and no one seems to give a shit. Like, if you make black comments, it's like, uh, it's a bad, it's national news. But I don't think anyone really gives a shit about the, uh, the Jew feelings.

• 1:04:09Theo Von?

  Yeah, well, I think you have to, I think you have to be able to separate. That's a good point.

• 1:04:13Speaker 01

  They don't get the, they don't get the, uh, the oppression points that other groups get.

• 1:04:18Theo Von?

  That's a good point. Yeah, that's a good point, man. Well, cause I think that they've, from what I've learned, they've been like, had a tough time finding a territory to live in, right?

• 1:04:27Speaker 01

  Yes, yes.

• 1:04:28Theo Von?

  Historically, that they've had a tough time finding a place to live in. I think what, what just hasn't helped. Has been the shit in Gaza. It's like

• 1:04:37Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 1:04:38Theo Von?

  I think it's just made like, um, and then there's a lot of, I think people start looking then at like ownership and oppressors, right? And I think you have a lot of Jewish people that are super successful. They're good at being successful.

• 1:04:50Speaker 01

  Oh, the best. They own the weather.

• 1:04:52Theo Von?

  The best, right?

• 1:04:53Speaker 01

  They got it all.

• 1:04:53Theo Von?

  And so then I think it doesn't, that makes things like, I think that's where people take one bridge, go from one thing and bridge to another.

• 1:05:03Speaker 01

  Yes, yes, exactly. And there's so much nuance here too, that people forget. It's just good versus evil. But there's, there's complex shit going on here. It's a lot of layers. We want to just put black and white, but it's.

• 1:05:15Theo Von?

  It's true. There's a lot of layers. It's hard to figure a lot of it out.

• 1:05:17Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:05:18Theo Von?

  Um, Mahmoud Khalil, I think that's who you're talking about. A 30-year-old Columbia University International Affairs graduate student of Palestinian descent was arrested on March 8th when ICE agents appeared at his student apartment building.

• 1:05:30Speaker 01

  Ew.

• 1:05:30Theo Von?

  Can you even imagine that? I would think it was like one of those fraternity things they do in the morning or whatever.

• 1:05:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Like an initiation where they spray a air horn on you or hit you with a fire extinguisher.

• 1:05:40Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was like a sigma alpha genocide or whatever. And they're fucking taking you outside to tickle you until you fucking uh, piss gin or whatever. Khalil is married to an American citizen who's pregnant with their first child. The Trump administration accused Khalil, a Palestinian activist of supporting Hamas and distributing pro Hamas propaganda, though it has provided no evidence to support this claim. Wow.

• 1:06:04Speaker 01

  Yikes. It's a tough time.

• 1:06:07Theo Von?

  Because then you also wonder like what, like if, if there's Israeli influence, because that's a big thing now, like how much Israeli influence is there in like American politics, you know?

• 1:06:15Speaker 01

  Oh, there's a lot, yeah.

• 1:06:16Theo Von?

  And it seems to be a ton. I feel like America is just like, it feels like we're just owned by Israel, you know? And we just never knew it.

• 1:06:23Speaker 01

  I thought we owned them.

• 1:06:24Theo Von?

  That's what I thought.

• 1:06:25Speaker 01

  Uh oh.

• 1:06:26Theo Von?

  But here's the thing, if we're just a team, then just tell us we're a fucking team.

• 1:06:29Speaker 01

  Right. Tell us anything. We're all in the dark here. Everything's going over our yarmulke. I don't know what's happening.

• 1:06:34Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude. Everything's fucking sliding right over that little hair wallet.

• 1:06:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, right?

• 1:06:39Theo Von?

  But dude, how, that's the thing I think that would help everybody if, if they, they would just say, hey, this is what's fucking really going on.

• 1:06:45Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:06:46Theo Von?

  So.

• 1:06:48Theo Von?

  Cause otherwise, I think you're just, there's still this ruse of pretending that people aren't gonna maybe figure it out, or if you let people start to figure it out themselves, then a lot of times, people go to the worst place in their minds, right?

• 1:07:00Speaker 01

  Yes, and you pick a side and that's it. It's just, fuck that side. We're left in the dark. Light a menorah. Get some light in here.

• 1:07:08Theo Von?

  Yeah, light one of the candles, dude.

• 1:07:10Speaker 01

  One of them.

• 1:07:10Theo Von?

  Give us three out of eight.

• 1:07:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's not bad.

• 1:07:13Theo Von?

  Is it nine?

• 1:07:13Speaker 01

  I think it's eight.

• 1:07:14Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:15Speaker 01

  Give that a check, but I think it's eight.

• 1:07:16Theo Von?

  But I agree, dude. And also, like, how to be supportive of your Jewish friends, that, you know, it's like...

• 1:07:22Speaker 01

  Oh, it is nine. Shit, my bad. Well done. Labia menorah.

• 1:07:27Theo Von?

  They snuck one in.

• 1:07:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, they always do.

• 1:07:31Theo Von?

  Yeah. Look, if that's the guy they caught...

• 1:07:34Speaker 01

  He'll get laid off this, though. He's got some, this has got some deported pussy.

• 1:07:38Theo Von?

  Oh, definitely, dude.

• 1:07:40Speaker 01

  He's a bad boy.

• 1:07:41Theo Von?

  He is, huh?

• 1:07:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:07:44Theo Von?

  Mahmoud Khalil speaks to members of media about the revolt for Rafa encampment at Columbia University. Dude, I think, but also, dude, the shit that's going on over there is so horrific. Here's what I think is happening in Gaza recently, right? I think they are testing a lot of, like, the technology and things that they've, weapons and stuff. I think they're testing it on that place.

• 1:08:07Speaker 01

  Who's they? Israel?

• 1:08:08Theo Von?

  Israel.

• 1:08:09Speaker 01

  Oh, interesting. Boy, you're obsessed with Gaza. This is really taking over a lot of the brain. Well, I'm just...

• 1:08:14Theo Von?

  I think I got, maybe I got caught in a fucking Twitter hole the other night.

• 1:08:17Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that'll get you, man. You gotta be careful.

• 1:08:19Theo Von?

  I had to call Sean Ryan and tell him, like, dude, everything's okay, right? I fucking, I got scared.

• 1:08:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, holy shit. But don't, that shit'll make you sad. Don't, don't let it in. Don't absorb it too much.

• 1:08:30Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yeah, let's get off, we'll, we'll get off of it.

• 1:08:33Speaker 01

  I mean, I, I don't know enough about it, so I feel bad.

• 1:08:36Theo Von?

  I don't either, but sometimes it's just heartbreaking when you're like, how is this fucking going on?

• 1:08:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:08:41Theo Von?

  Or is there something that we don't know, then just tell us that shit, like...

• 1:08:44Speaker 01

  I know, I know. They, they won't tell us. They think we can't handle it, but this is way worse. Now we're all killing each other and fighting in the streets.

• 1:08:50Theo Von?

  I agree. That's the thing. It's like, just tell us what is fucking going on.

• 1:08:54Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:08:55Theo Von?

  You know, does that make sense to you too? Or does that sound crazy saying that?

• 1:08:58Speaker 01

  No, I'm with you a hundred percent. We don't know what's going on. It's like the drones. We had all these drones in, in New York and everybody's like, is it weapons? Is it China? Is it this? And we're like, just tell us so we can go to fucking lunch and not, not freak out every day.

• 1:09:10Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:11Speaker 01

  I had to tell my niece that was Santa.

• 1:09:12Theo Von?

  Yeah, is it fucking Papa John delivering N words to people?

• 1:09:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, now that's a service.

• 1:09:17Theo Von?

  Remember when he had that deal, dude?

• 1:09:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, Black Olives Matter.

• 1:09:22Speaker 01

  I don't know, black, do black people go Papa John? What's the pizza of, I thought they were more of a Domino's.

• 1:09:28Theo Von?

  That's a good question. First of all, why don't they have more black specific businesses, dude?

• 1:09:34Speaker 01

  Interesting. You got Boo Boo.

• 1:09:37Theo Von?

  But where, where's the black pizza company, right?

• 1:09:40Speaker 01

  Right, right. Yeah, that's a good question. They like to play Domino's or maybe that's Puerto Ricans.

• 1:09:46Theo Von?

  No, but still that's close enough, right?

• 1:09:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:09:49Theo Von?

  It's like, how, why is there not more? What's the top black owned pizza company? And I believe this about a lot of things, like where are the fucking black owned businesses?

• 1:09:58Speaker 01

  Yes, they're out there. We just gotta blow them up.

• 1:10:02Theo Von?

  Right, there we go. That's a good point. So, um.

• 1:10:05Speaker 01

  Slimmin Huskies.

• 1:10:05Theo Von?

  Slimmin Huskies, that's in, uh, I think that's here. Yes, that's in Tennessee.

• 1:10:10Speaker 01

  Oh, there we go.

• 1:10:12Theo Von?

  Dude, I met the owner. Bring the owner up.

• 1:10:16Theo Von?

  I met him one time over at Fenwick's here in town.

• 1:10:18Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 1:10:19Theo Von?

  Dude, you saved my day today, man.

• 1:10:21Speaker 01

  Hey, we're saving their day. Go to Slimmin Huskies, get a fucking pie from these guys.

• 1:10:26Theo Von?

  Go to Slimmin Huskies, get that fucking father figure omelet.

• 1:10:31Theo Von?

  No, but go to Slimmin Huskies. There they are, there the dogs right there. Who are they? Oh, there they are, right there. Clint Gray, Derek Moore and Emmanuel Reed, baby.

• 1:10:40Speaker 01

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:10:41Theo Von?

  Hell, yeah, dude. Get the fucking big dog special over there. The founding, the trio who are also Tennessee State U alumni, Tennessee State University. Shout out TSU where my buddy Zeta played kicker over there. Was the only white kid over there.

• 1:10:55Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, kickers are how we slide in.

• 1:10:57Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, dude.

• 1:10:59Speaker 01

  That's it, yeah. But my buddy, John Laster, he has a thing called Blap and it's a black app. It's like a app for black owned businesses.

• 1:11:07Theo Von?

  Really?

• 1:11:08Speaker 01

  So, yeah, that's, that's something.

• 1:11:09Theo Von?

  Get that shit.

• 1:11:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, go to Blap, check it out.

• 1:11:12Theo Von?

  Dude, this is one thing I think that a lot of cultures and ethnicities can learn from Jewish culture.

• 1:11:17Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:11:17Theo Von?

  Is how to like, support your culture, right?

• 1:11:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:11:21Theo Von?

  Like, like, we should do that. I think other groups should do it. I think, um, and other, other cultures may do it better than like Christians and Muslims.

• 1:11:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:11:32Theo Von?

  But Jewish people do it well. They support their friends. They support their, um, creations and the things that their friends make, you know?

• 1:11:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, they had to. I think they got pushed around. So they're like, we gotta start our own shit. We gotta start law firms and real estate and diamonds.

• 1:11:46Theo Von?

  But they do a lot of stuff like invest in their children, their children, like, um, you know, like, learning, education. I think a lot can be learned from that culture, man. Is that crazy to say that?

• 1:11:55Speaker 01

  I completely, I mean, I'm circumcised, so there you go. We took that from them.

• 1:11:58Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:59Speaker 01

  Are you?

• 1:12:00Theo Von?

  Huh?

• 1:12:00Speaker 01

  Are you cut?

• 1:12:01Theo Von?

  Dun dun dun.

• 1:12:02Speaker 01

  Oh, baby.

• 1:12:03Theo Von?

  Auction off, dude.

• 1:12:05Speaker 01

  Call in if you fuck Theo.

• 1:12:06Theo Von?

  The last inch, they call it.

• 1:12:10Theo Von?

  Dude, uh, yeah, let's talk about something else that's more fun, man. Sorry.

• 1:12:14Speaker 01

  No, no, I mean, I'm interested. I just.

• 1:12:15Theo Von?

  But I think I was just curious what it's like in New York City because, you know.

• 1:12:18Speaker 01

  It's, you can feel it. It's there. You remember how like BLM you could feel in 2020 or whatever that was? You could just kind of feel it. There was an energy. It's, it's that in New York with Jew Palestine.

• 1:12:28Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:28Speaker 01

  And it's heavy.

• 1:12:30Theo Von?

  Is it?

• 1:12:30Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:12:31Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 1:12:32Speaker 01

  So.

• 1:12:33Theo Von?

  Well, it's kind of crazy that two years ago, you couldn't even say the word Israel if I like on a podcast. I mean, you could always say Jews are great or whatever you say.

• 1:12:40Speaker 01

  Sure, sure.

• 1:12:40Theo Von?

  But.

• 1:12:41Speaker 01

  It's an interesting group because they're cloaked in whiteness. So you can't really tell. It's the only group, like you, you don't like Asians. You can, you can kind of eyeball it.

• 1:12:49Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:50Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? But, uh, Jews, it's, it's just like a white guy.

• 1:12:54Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:55Speaker 01

  You know?

• 1:12:55Theo Von?

  It's just a honky, it's like a very successful honky.

• 1:12:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, again, Ari Shaffir, that's like Jewish propaganda. I mean, that's a mug.

• 1:13:03Theo Von?

  Yeah, that is. He's working for someone.

• 1:13:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:13:08Theo Von?

  His show's coming back.

• 1:13:09Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 1:13:10Theo Von?

  Are you gonna, uh, be able to do an episode of it?

• 1:13:12Speaker 01

  I am. I'm working on a story now.

• 1:13:13Theo Von?

  I gotta work on one, dude. He asked. I just fuck it. It's been hard.

• 1:13:16Speaker 01

  It's a lot of work because you gotta go out and run that. It's 10 minutes of awkward, weird, hey, is this where the story should go? And how do I end it? But you gotta do it.

• 1:13:25Theo Von?

  I don't know if I can get it right now.

• 1:13:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:27Theo Von?

  I'm just hoping I can get it ready. But I think I gotta do this podcast coming up.

• 1:13:32Speaker 01

  Well, your last one was killer with the the cabbie and the coke.

• 1:13:35Theo Von?

  That cocaine, that was like my first story. That was like, that was like when I started talking about like being sober and shit like that.

• 1:13:41Speaker 01

  That was, that blew up. I mean, people really connected with that.

• 1:13:44Theo Von?

  That story was crazy. I remember one part of it, this girl like laying in my lap and like, we're just like both like, we're both had been drinking or whatever and I'm trying to like lean down and kiss her and I couldn't get to her face, you know?

• 1:13:57Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

• 1:13:59Theo Von?

  And you get so close and you're right there and she's fucking, you know?

• 1:14:02Speaker 01

  It's like trying to blow yourself. You get so close, it's right there.

• 1:14:06Theo Von?

  God, that's a fucking Adam's apple stops you.

• 1:14:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, I got a lick once, but I hurt myself. I like pulled a muscle.

• 1:14:13Theo Von?

  Oh, that's the worst when a guy's getting a Toradol shot. Cause he's fucking tongue washing his own kick.

• 1:14:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, I gotta do yoga or something.

• 1:14:22Theo Von?

  Yeah. Uh, oh, that's the craziest though, dude.

• 1:14:26Speaker 01

  You asked Trump about coke. Was that, give me, give it to me straight. I've known you for a while. How, how scary was it having him right next to you?

• 1:14:34Theo Von?

  Well, I'd seen him at UFC fights.

• 1:14:36Speaker 01

  I know, but this is like face to face, uh, podcasting, I mean, conversation.

• 1:14:42Theo Von?

  I think I felt for a while that things are turning into the WWE, that nobody's like super famous anymore. Things are merging pretty quick. It's like, you have people who are coming up with like a crazy lyric on TikTok that are now selling out big music venues that bands who have been performing for 15 years can't sell out, right? So it's like, I think everything's just getting weird. It's like, you could have like, you know, a year and a half ago, Sketch, the what's up brother, that guy was probably

• 1:15:10Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:15:10Theo Von?

  For two months was the most popular guy in the world, maybe.

• 1:15:15Speaker 01

  Totally.

• 1:15:15Theo Von?

  Like, everything's just, it's very strange now, so.

• 1:15:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, the lines are blurred. It used to be like celebrity, not, now it's just everybody's in there.

• 1:15:23Theo Von?

  Right. It used to be like you and I would never talk to Harrison Ford.

• 1:15:27Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:15:28Theo Von?

  Or, um, get to, or like Kendall Jenner, you know, it's like, but now we have a chance to at least look at them as they drive by.

• 1:15:36Speaker 01

  Right, right. Well, you, you talked to Shalit Mu. I mean, he's like one of the biggest actors in the world. You're just hanging out with him.

• 1:15:42Theo Von?

  He didn't ask to edit the thing or anything. Totally fucking normal.

• 1:15:45Speaker 01

  Cool dude.

• 1:15:45Theo Von?

  Regular guy.

• 1:15:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, and he's plowing Kendall, which has gotta be, or Kylie, it's gotta be a good time.

• 1:15:50Theo Von?

  Like they're honestly like. Kind of like in Lovebirds, like when I saw them, it just seemed like they're like lovebirds. Which made you, give you some hope for Hollywood, because you just think like everything's so manufactured, but um. But anyway, that's, so that was part of it. The second thing, oh dude, I'd had an interview Post Malone here the day before, and so I was so like just burnt out.

• 1:16:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:16:11Theo Von?

  And I was just tired, you know, uh, but I just went up there, we flew directly there to his golf course. It was crazy, like rich people were everywhere.

• 1:16:20Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:16:21Theo Von?

  Like kids were driving to the bottom of the pool and bringing up mutual funds and shit. Like way different.

• 1:16:26Speaker 01

  Damn, that was, was that Mar-a-Lago?

• 1:16:29Theo Von?

  It was something fancier than that. It was like, uh.

• 1:16:31Speaker 01

  Fancier?

• 1:16:32Theo Von?

  It was New Jersey, huh?

• 1:16:33Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 1:16:34Theo Von?

  It was like Mar-a-Lago or something, or whatever they have up there, you know?

• 1:16:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Interesting.

• 1:16:39Theo Von?

  It was like, kind of like this year, like Italian, there it is, dude. Look at that.

• 1:16:43Speaker 01

  Whoa.

• 1:16:45Theo Von?

  And bro, they had ducks out there in the pond that were fucking like organized as fuck. None of these gay ass ducks you see at the park like that are just fucking doing dope or whatever.

• 1:16:55Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:16:56Theo Von?

  Eating fucking bread from strangers. These motherfuckers, I saw them polish up, I think a sourdough, line up in a straight line.

• 1:17:02Speaker 01

  Classy.

• 1:17:03Theo Von?

  And perform, motherfucker.

• 1:17:05Speaker 01

  Damn, ducks in a row.

• 1:17:07Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, you could tell they were gonna be lunch if they didn't land every, every fucking, if they didn't land every move in sequence.

• 1:17:15Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:17:16Theo Von?

  So that was crazy. Then they, you had um, Secret Service everywhere, right?

• 1:17:20Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:17:21Theo Von?

  But they're still fans. You pull in, they frisk and shit, and they're all like, hey, I fucking love the thing. And then you're just taking selfies with them, you're holding their gun, right?

• 1:17:28Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:17:28Theo Von?

  You're pointing their gun at them, and they're like, it'll shoot, you know?

• 1:17:32Speaker 01

  That's the best. I love getting the working man, like when you get like a garbage man or a cop, and he's like, hey, comedy, I'm like, yes, I want you as a fan.

• 1:17:40Theo Von?

  That's the best, dude.

• 1:17:41Speaker 01

  The best.

• 1:17:42Theo Von?

  Yeah, there's nothing better, dude. Anytime if I'm walking down the street and I see a couple of guys digging in a hole or whatever, hiding the bodies or whatever.

• 1:17:49Speaker 01

  Jews again.

• 1:17:50Theo Von?

  Yeah, or funneling monies for fucking Schwab through one of those. Fucking Yiddish mattress sale tunnels or whatever. I always stop and get photos with those guys. Anybody that does something real.

• 1:18:02Speaker 01

  Yes, yes, and those are the most sane guys, by the way.

• 1:18:05Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:05Speaker 01

  By the way, you see that Adam Carolla went on some rant where he's like, you know, we hate dudes, but like, who do you think is fixing the LA fires? It's just a bunch of dudes getting in there and getting their hands dirty and building shit. He's got a point and like, that's what's so annoying about politics. That's why I can't pick a side or it's so like Gavin Newsom's got a pocket. He's talking to Steve Bannon. He's like, yeah, these trends are crazy. And you're like, and he's like, we've got too many regulations in California. We're like, you're the guy.

• 1:18:32Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:18:32Speaker 01

  You're the, you're the governor. You make the rules, dickless. Change it. Why are you telling us about it?

• 1:18:37Theo Von?

  Well, it's the same thing with America, even in like America supporting like the Gaza stuff. It's like, what are, then your complicity, it's like all of a sudden we're complicit in it. That's, that's what makes everything so tricky. It's like, are we standing up for ourselves? Are we not standing up for ourselves? Who are we supposed to support? It used to feel like we knew what was supposed to happen.

• 1:18:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, that's true.

• 1:18:57Theo Von?

  It used to feel like we knew.

• 1:18:58Speaker 01

  And whether we were right or wrong or, or just being fed like sheep, you still knew where to go, even if you were wrong. You knew what, what America stood for or whatever the fuck.

• 1:19:07Theo Von?

  But then it brings you back to like, I think the Vietnam times when you saw those protests.

• 1:19:10Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:19:11Theo Von?

  Cause I used to hear about the protester in Vietnam and I'm like, what would they be protesting? Like, we're doing this war. That's what's supposed to happen. But then you realize that there was a group of people who ended up being a lot of times, some of the coolest people who were like, this isn't right.

• 1:19:25Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:19:26Theo Von?

  Right? Who didn't believe like the propaganda machine. So it's crazy that if things could even get out then that the same kind of, it's just so, I don't know. It's just interesting, man.

• 1:19:34Speaker 01

  It is, it is. And I think the, the, the cracks are opening up because of the internet and everybody's talking. And sometimes it's too many people talking, but you can just kind of start to see the bullshit a little more now. There's more light on it.

• 1:19:46Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's just crazy because then it's like, what happens? You just gotta take care of yourself, take care of your loved ones. That's gotta be important.

• 1:19:54Speaker 01

  That's one good thing about a kid. It just, you focus. You're not thinking about Twitter. You're not thinking about this. You're just like, ah, this kid has got a shit diaper and I gotta change it. And that's it.

• 1:20:03Theo Von?

  Really?

• 1:20:04Speaker 01

  Oh yeah. So you kind of just, it makes you, you got one problem. You don't have a million problems.

• 1:20:09Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:09Speaker 01

  It's just get this kid to not have Down syndrome.

• 1:20:14Theo Von?

  And when do you find that out?

• 1:20:15Speaker 01

  I think pretty early. That's why you see less of them now. I think people are nipping that in the bud. I know, it's sad, cuz you like seeing one every now and then.

• 1:20:25Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, man. Especially, uh, well, they started, I hate to say this.

• 1:20:30Speaker 01

  Oh, baby.

• 1:20:32Theo Von?

  They got more talented over the past 20 years.

• 1:20:34Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, there's a lot of models, Downsy models.

• 1:20:38Theo Von?

  They got more talented, and I got proven wrong. I had always, uh, known that down center and people couldn't walk backwards, right?

• 1:20:44Speaker 01

  Is that right? Whoa.

• 1:20:45Theo Von?

  That had always been a big thing in our area, but now a woman disproved me on that.

• 1:20:51Speaker 01

  Oh, good for her. This is like the Jackie Robinson of Downs.

• 1:20:55Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, dude.

• 1:20:57Speaker 01

  Good for her.

• 1:21:00Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that's it. I mean, I don't know, the moment has passed, but yeah.

• 1:21:03Theo Von?

  I'll play it.

• 1:21:04Speaker 01

  He goes on a hell of a rant.

• 1:21:05Theo Von?

  Does he?

• 1:21:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:21:07Speaker 02

  They give a shit about young dudes now because they're losing their demo. They were the enemy. Young white dudes were always the enemy, or heterosexual dudes, or whatever, and now they, they lost, they're losing their constituency, so now they have to pretend to give a fuck.

• 1:21:21Speaker 06

  She signed an executive order aimed at increasing young men's enrollment in education and skill training programs. So, yeah, they're doing some, uh, catch-up right now.

• 1:21:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay. Perhaps you shouldn't have waged war on them for the last 15 years.

• 1:21:36Theo Von?

  Amen.

• 1:21:36Speaker 02

  Fucking retards. That would have been nice.

• 1:21:39Speaker 06

  We, we got a clip of Ned Lamont.

• 1:21:41Speaker 02

  Toxic masculinity and all you assholes.

• 1:21:43Speaker 06

  Your Connecticut governor tried to.

• 1:21:45Speaker 02

  By the way, can I, just let me say this. Let me just say this. Please listen to me, everyone. I toured the sites of, of Altadena and the Palisades and Malibu.

• 1:22:01Speaker 02

  There's a whole bunch of people with dicks and balls who are fucking driving.

• 1:22:09Speaker 02

  Excavators and trucks and operating all the heavy equipment, all the fucking people you hate, all the people who didn't go to college, all the guys with the cocks and the balls, all the guys who don't give you their pronouns. That place has been completely rebuilt by just them.

• 1:22:30Theo Von?

  Amen.

• 1:22:31Speaker 02

  Nobody looks like you, nobody uses pronouns, no he's, she's, none of your fucking freak shows, none of your Admiral Lavines, nobody looks like that. It's just a bunch of fucking dudes who go by he and him.

• 1:22:46Theo Von?

  Fuck yeah, that's good.

• 1:22:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:22:48Theo Von?

  Yeah, you need Mike Rose children in there every now and then, dude, that's who you need. But it's a great point, it's like you trying to build this, you're gonna have places that are gonna fall apart, you know? At some point, guys are gonna be like, we're not rebuilding for these motherfuckers anymore.

• 1:23:01Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 1:23:01Theo Von?

  At some point, you're gonna have a military that's like, I'm not fighting this fucking war for you anymore, you go fucking figure it out.

• 1:23:06Speaker 01

  Right, right, exactly.

• 1:23:07Theo Von?

  That's why they contract military guys in there, so they're fucked a lot of times, people don't realize that.

• 1:23:11Speaker 01

  That's a good point. But also, the, the, the binary world we live in now, everything's gotta be, like I said, black versus white. So women hear that and they go, oh, you hate women? You're like, no, no, we love women, women are awesome, Martha Stewart rules. But can't we both be awesome? Why do we have to have one or the other, like, oh, these men talking about, they're complaining, fuck men, women are great, you're like, yeah, women are great, but why can't men be great too? Let's just both be great.

• 1:23:34Theo Von?

  Yeah, or like, yeah, but it's like, I don't know, sorry, went off on a road again.

• 1:23:38Speaker 01

  No, no.

• 1:23:39Theo Von?

  But it's just a weird time, it's a heightened time.

• 1:23:40Speaker 01

  It is, it is, and I think, uh, we used to go at each other racially, and now, now that like, I feel like racial harmony, obviously, we're never gonna be perfect, but now we just go at each other opinion-y. You don't agree with me, you don't agree with me, fuck you, I'll kill you. It used to be, we used to be divided up in different ways, mostly by race, you know, back in the 50s. Whites only, blacks only, but now it's like, we're divided by opinion. And it's, uh, if you don't agree with somebody, they just take it personally, and then they lash out at you, and you're like, uh, but not agreeing on everything is... I like pussy, gay guys like dick, you know, we don't have to fight about it.

• 1:24:16Theo Von?

  Yeah, we're both going to Cincinnati.

• 1:24:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:24:20Theo Von?

  But dude, no, that's a great point. Tell me a little bit more about that, man, because I think I fall victim to that too sometimes. Like, kind of say that again for me.

• 1:24:28Speaker 01

  Well, we, everything is opinion and, and what side you're on and what stance you take. And if you don't agree with that opinion fully, or one little thing, not even fully, one little thing about it. I don't, I don't buy that part. Then they just turn on you and they go, you're the enemy. And you're like, whoa, how did we get here? You know, and we gotta just start going, oh, you think that? Why? Oh, I never thought of it that way. I mean, I still think this, but you think that? And can't we all get along?

• 1:24:58Theo Von?

  Yeah, why do we get so attached to our?

• 1:25:01Speaker 01

  I think because we have no identity anymore. People have no identity, everything's so E, we got modernity, we got a phone, we got Uber Eats up our ass. We got anything, you just get shit delivered to your house and no one's living anymore. No one's like connecting, you know? We used to have a kind of a community and this, all this shit has been said before, but I think before you actually had to like do shit and get your hands dirty and now everything's given to us. And if something doesn't go our way, we don't know how to handle anymore. Where shit used to not go your way at all back in the day, like your fucking kids would die, so you had another kid. Or, uh, you know.

• 1:25:36Theo Von?

  It used to be your kids would die, you would have another kid like two days later.

• 1:25:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, and everybody just got along and dealt with it. There wasn't like a guy going, ah, my kid died, I'm bummed out, I'm doing a GoFundMe. And everybody goes, you're so brave, good for you, like.

• 1:25:48Theo Von?

  Right, and they wouldn't even name the new kid the same name as the other kid. They would be like, uh, Matthew the second or whatever.

• 1:25:54Speaker 01

  Yes, yes.

• 1:25:55Theo Von?

  Matthew two, like it was all like one of those Apollo returning things or whatever.

• 1:25:59Speaker 01

  It was a sequel, it was like, yeah, Avengers nine, or Fast and the Furious. This is Fast and the Furious, this is Avengers eight.

• 1:26:06Theo Von?

  Yeah, bro, it's so, that's such a good point, man. Wow.

• 1:26:10Speaker 01

  It doesn't have to be like this, but I think it gives you a, it gives you an identity and a personality to attack. Oh, Theo thinks this, I'm gonna go against Theo because I'm this and I gotta show everybody I'm this. I gotta plant my flag.

• 1:26:21Theo Von?

  Right, yeah, and that's what they call identity politics, right?

• 1:26:24Speaker 01

  I guess so, yeah. It's bad news.

• 1:26:27Theo Von?

  What is the term identity politics? Bring it up, I just want to see what it means so I know.

• 1:26:31Speaker 01

  And everybody has to start as a white man, as a black woman, as a gay Jew, as a queefy bitch.

• 1:26:37Theo Von?

  Identity politics is politics based on a particular identity such as ethnicity, race, nationality, religion, denomination, gender, sexual orientation, social background, political affiliation, caste, age, disability, intelligence, and social class. Well, it's kind of interesting because you also have to represent, like, you have to speak up sometimes for where you're from, like, you know, otherwise your group can get totally just trampled over.

• 1:26:58Speaker 01

  I guess so.

• 1:26:59Theo Von?

  But at the same time, it's like...

• 1:27:01Speaker 01

  But there's a hierarchy. That's part of the problem, too. It's like, black trans is more important than

• 1:27:07Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:27:07Speaker 01

  white lady.

• 1:27:08Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah. Than Asian, um, Sagittarius or whatever.

• 1:27:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:27:12Theo Von?

  But three Asian Sagittarius's beat one black trans.

• 1:27:16Speaker 01

  Exactly. It's like poker now.

• 1:27:17Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:18Speaker 01

  You gotta roll flush.

• 1:27:19Theo Von?

  Oh, left-handed gay dude from Minneapolis?

• 1:27:21Speaker 01

  Forget about it. Yeah, but that's the other thing is we, we, we have to have all these differences.

• 1:27:26Theo Von?

  Full house.

• 1:27:26Speaker 01

  Like, black, uh, black versus white, whatever. But really, when you think about it, we can find a difference anywhere and hate somebody. Like, the Hutus and the Tutsis, they're all black, but they just hate each other for some religious reason. I don't know, I'm too stupid to know.

• 1:27:40Theo Von?

  Oh, I'm too stupid too, dude. But what I'm saying is if they join together and just attacked whoever owned the fucking land right near them.

• 1:27:47Speaker 01

  There you go.

• 1:27:48Theo Von?

  Then they would make some progress.

• 1:27:49Speaker 01

  That's a perfect example. The Bloods and the Crips. It just, it just comes down to clothing at that point, you know? It's just blue versus red. It's silly.

• 1:27:57Theo Von?

  Yeah. I, um, what was something you said a second ago that was really great? Oh, the...

• 1:28:03Speaker 01

  Oh, these tariffs are getting, getting out of control.

• 1:28:06Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah. The tariffs are getting out of control. All the everyday items that will cost Americans more following Donald Trump's global tariffs. But here's the thing with tariffs, is the, the goal of tariffs is that if they, if it costs more for people to bring their products in, then they'll build them here.

• 1:28:21Speaker 01

  Yes. That's part of it, yeah.

• 1:28:23Theo Von?

  So it's kind of a long-term play. It's gonna take a while.

• 1:28:26Speaker 01

  It's gonna be bumpy for a while, but that's if it works.

• 1:28:29Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:28:30Speaker 01

  So we'll see, but, uh, it might take 10 years.

• 1:28:33Theo Von?

  Right. If we don't try this, though, then I think it's a wrap.

• 1:28:36Speaker 01

  Oh, you think just go for it, bite, bite the belt and go for it?

• 1:28:40Theo Von?

  I do because I think at this point, even from my own perception, we'd probably on this tour, this comedy tour, been in probably the top 200 cities like size wise in America, maybe, maybe even more than that. And a lot of them, there's nothing there.

• 1:28:55Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:28:56Theo Von?

  It's empty downtowns.

• 1:28:59Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, it's sad, boarded up.

• 1:29:00Theo Von?

  We're in Amarillo, it's empty downtown, Shreveport, Louisiana was empty downtown. Toledo, Ohio, right? It's getting a little bit better there.

• 1:29:10Theo Von?

  But, and that's just a few. I mean, a lot of places, Montgomery, just empty.

• 1:29:14Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 1:29:15Theo Von?

  And so you start to be like, nothing's gonna, there's nothing coming that's gonna make that different, right?

• 1:29:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:29:22Theo Von?

  And maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe that's just how society changes and evolves and we just end up with like, seven big cities in America and the rest of it is just like rural land where people live and have great lives, but they're not in like a city.

• 1:29:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:29:35Theo Von?

  And these things fall by the wayside.

• 1:29:36Speaker 01

  And don't, don't forget, we got automation coming, we got AI coming, so like, jobs are going away quick and everything's digital now, there's nothing manufactured here.

• 1:29:45Theo Von?

  And why do we keep building, right? And that's one of the, that's one of the things that people say, well, even if you bring jobs back here, those jobs are gonna disappear because of AI anyway.

• 1:29:53Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:29:54Theo Von?

  That's one of the side, that's one of the other arguments against, um, against doing the tariffs at all.

• 1:30:00Speaker 01

  Damn, Allen Iverson.

• 1:30:02Theo Von?

  It's fucking, it's weird, man. And then the weirdest thing you start to realize, I feel like, is that you're just a member of your government, whatever choices they're making.

• 1:30:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:30:12Theo Von?

  That's something that's been big recently. It's like, oh, whatever choice the government makes, I'm a member of this country, but if you, if you don't, if they don't make you feel like you're a part of something, like there's, there's no benefits to being a member at a certain point, you're like, damn, it's a weird club to be in.

• 1:30:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, maybe we gotta overthrow the government. Maybe that's what's, uh, what's next.

• 1:30:31Theo Von?

  How do you do that, do you think?

• 1:30:33Speaker 01

  I think we got, we got them outnumbered. I mean, we got a lot of people here.

• 1:30:36Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:30:36Speaker 01

  And, uh, we can, you know, send out a couple tweets and texts and get everybody on board. We, people have guns, you probably got a gun. So there you go. Well, we'll get in there and shoot some people.

• 1:30:45Theo Von?

  And where do you meet up, you think? A Dollar General or something?

• 1:30:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, you know, some nice community place we all know about and we'll meet at the KFC slash Taco Bell. Get a meal and revolt.

• 1:30:57Theo Von?

  Yeah. Dude, a belly full of fucking.

• 1:31:03Speaker 01

  That's a gas chamber.

• 1:31:04Theo Von?

  Oh, when those pizzas came out, they were so good. Remember that in high school?

• 1:31:07Speaker 01

  The Mexican pizza. Amazing. That'll make you want to open the border.

• 1:31:11Theo Von?

  God, remember how fucking good they? And when they first came out, I think they might have had even real meat in them, dude.

• 1:31:16Speaker 01

  Woo, those were the days.

• 1:31:18Theo Von?

  And someone pooped in the meat over in Mandeville.

• 1:31:20Speaker 01

  Really?

• 1:31:21Theo Von?

  Oh, the whole town didn't know what to do. There were people crying over at the parking lot.

• 1:31:25Speaker 01

  Could you tell the difference?

• 1:31:27Theo Von?

  Uh, I don't know if you could or not. Somebody, I don't know who had it. Now, that's the thing. We never found out who had it, but they really busted it. Run a research on that poop in the meat over there at Taco Bell.

• 1:31:38Speaker 01

  Well, what do you think it is now? Horse or dog?

• 1:31:40Theo Von?

  Louisiana. Uh, I'm not sure.

• 1:31:43Speaker 01

  It tastes damn good either way. I love Taco Bell. It's probably my favorite fast food.

• 1:31:48Theo Von?

  Suit alleges feces found in Taco Bell item. There you go. A new lawsuit has been filed against Taco Bell restaurant just months after the company settled a series of lawsuits out of court following 1995 hep hepatitis outbreak. In the suit filed Wednesday, third district.

• 1:32:04Theo Von?

  An anon- this is fucking gonna make me laugh. An anonymous couple and their 10-year-old son alleged the boy found feces in a soft-shell taco.

• 1:32:13Speaker 01

  Damn.

• 1:32:15Theo Von?

  Bought at a drive-up window at the Cottonwood Heights Taco Bell, Fort Union Boulevard. Oh, this is in my- this is Salt Lake City, man.

• 1:32:22Speaker 01

  Oh, imagine eating that, that chupupa.

• 1:32:26Theo Von?

  I know, huh? God.

• 1:32:27Speaker 01

  Damn, you gotta put a lot of fire sauce on that turd.

• 1:32:30Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:32Speaker 01

  Just to get it down.

• 1:32:33Theo Von?

  Just to get that motherfucker down.

• 1:32:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, you ever tasted shit?

• 1:32:38Theo Von?

  Huh?

• 1:32:39Speaker 01

  Uh.

• 1:32:39Theo Von?

  I don't think so. Have you had any accidentally with the baby being around?

• 1:32:42Speaker 01

  Oh, well, they say shit's on everything. Your keyboard is apparently a fucking cesspool of Flint water. But yeah, I mean, I've tasted piss.

• 1:32:50Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:51Speaker 01

  That was not pleasant.

• 1:32:52Theo Von?

  Oh, I've had a little even during a fast. One time I was fasting for like three or four days. I was in the shower and I fucking, you don't even realize what you're doing.

• 1:32:59Speaker 01

  Wait, how did you get the piss in your mouth?

• 1:33:01Theo Von?

  I pissed straight up.

• 1:33:02Speaker 01

  Damn, that's impressive.

• 1:33:04Theo Von?

  Pissed straight up, yeah, dude. I can piss straight to the top of my head if I'm standing there.

• 1:33:07Speaker 01

  No way. That's damn, that's not easy, especially at our age.

• 1:33:11Theo Von?

  I can piss really good, man.

• 1:33:12Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:33:13Theo Von?

  I can piss pretty, I'm trying to think. Yeah, I can piss pretty good. And then you just get a fucking, yeah, I'd been fasting and I took a side sip off that bitch, cuz. You know what I'm saying, dude?

• 1:33:24Speaker 01

  You gotta try it once.

• 1:33:25Theo Von?

  I'll show them.

• 1:33:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a weird flavor. It's tangy as shit.

• 1:33:28Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's very, um, it's kind of like hot coffee. That's what my ex-girlfriend used to say.

• 1:33:34Speaker 01

  Really? She's a keeper.

• 1:33:35Theo Von?

  Yeah, I let her go, unfortunately.

• 1:33:37Speaker 01

  Damn.

• 1:33:38Theo Von?

  God, dude.

• 1:33:39Speaker 01

  What's she up to now? Hanging out with R. Kelly, I guess?

• 1:33:43Theo Von?

  Working in, I'm not even sure. Probably working in, uh, at that geyser park in National Geographics, dude.

• 1:33:49Speaker 01

  Hot Springs, baby.

• 1:33:51Theo Von?

  Um, what else do we want to talk about, dude?

• 1:33:54Speaker 01

  Well, I think the world is, uh, on fire, so buy, buy some whiskey. I'm selling a whiskey out there. Me and Sam started a whiskey.

• 1:34:00Theo Von?

  Oh, Bodega Cat.

• 1:34:01Speaker 01

  You got it.

• 1:34:02Theo Von?

  Yep.

• 1:34:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's not legal in Tennessee yet, but we're gonna get it here, goddammit.

• 1:34:05Theo Von?

  Let me see if what we can do here for it.

• 1:34:07Speaker 01

  Please, the red tape is bananas.

• 1:34:10Theo Von?

  It is?

• 1:34:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's so hard to get at places.

• 1:34:12Theo Von?

  Is it?

• 1:34:13Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. You gotta, it's all mob run. It's all super mobby and you gotta like work your way in. Yeah, there's all these old fashioned rules and shit.

• 1:34:20Theo Von?

  Damn.

• 1:34:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, Sam's drinking it on Seth Meyers right there.

• 1:34:23Theo Von?

  Oh, he took it on there?

• 1:34:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:34:26Theo Von?

  So, Bodega Cat. So, um, didn't they just have an issue too about Bodega Cats in New York?

• 1:34:31Speaker 01

  Uh, probably. They're always there. That's where we got the, the idea.

• 1:34:35Theo Von?

  Really?

• 1:34:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, we just, you go into a bodega, there's always a cat sleeping on the bread and you always go, it warms your heart. So we go, hey, how about a whiskey? That'll warm your heart.

• 1:34:43Theo Von?

  Yeah, I love that idea. Bodega Cats make New Yorkers hearts purr, even if they violate state regulations.

• 1:34:48Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, I'm sure it's a health code thing, but.

• 1:34:50Theo Von?

  But they had rat issue there, so of course you're gonna have cats. You can't get fucking mad.

• 1:34:54Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 1:34:54Theo Von?

  You need a Bodega Cat.

• 1:34:55Speaker 01

  You need them.

• 1:34:56Theo Von?

  New York City's Bodega Cats are beloved fixtures in the Big Apple, but they're on the wrong side of the law.

• 1:35:01Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 1:35:02Theo Von?

  The convenience store cats that live at many of the city's bodegas and delis look innocent enough, spending their days lounging in sun-soaked storefronts or slinking between shelves of snack foods as they collect friendly pets from customers. Uh, state law bars, most animals from stores that sell food with bodega owners potentially facing fines. You can't bill these fucking guys. They're probably charging these cats to even be in the city after 4pm, I bet.

• 1:35:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, right? But you need it. It's old school. We get rid of the rat, you get a cat. That's like as old as time, but.

• 1:35:28Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:28Speaker 01

  The rats hate the cat. It's like a Indian with deodorant. They don't get along.

• 1:35:33Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, bro. Oh, it's that full-body shawarma, brother.

• 1:35:37Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. It's palpable.

• 1:35:38Theo Von?

  Oh, it's that scurry. Um, I'll fucking run from that shit if I smell it. I gotta go.

• 1:35:44Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:35:45Theo Von?

  Um, that's crazy. So, Bodega Cat is a new, it's a whiskey?

• 1:35:49Speaker 01

  It's a rye whiskey, yeah. It's been around for a while. We're just, it's such a slow process. We're getting it one bar at a time. We got it in all the comedy clubs, a lot of theaters.

• 1:35:57Theo Von?

  Do you?

• 1:35:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:35:58Theo Von?

  Is it down at, um, the, uh, mothership?

• 1:36:01Speaker 01

  It is, yes.

• 1:36:03Theo Von?

  That's awesome. So if you were at the mothership, you can order Bodega Cat?

• 1:36:06Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 1:36:07Theo Von?

  Is it a good whiskey?

• 1:36:08Speaker 01

  It's a great whiskey. We taste tested a million of them. Uh, we've, we've had like, uh, experts try it and they like it. We got it at the Comedy Store, the Comedy Cellar. I mean, it's all over.

• 1:36:17Theo Von?

  Really?

• 1:36:18Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Coast to coast.

• 1:36:20Theo Von?

  And, um, is it, it has alcohol in it?

• 1:36:22Speaker 01

  It is a big bottle of whiskey, yeah.

• 1:36:25Theo Von?

  Okay. So you can't, so yeah, if you can't drink, you can't drink, but you could get one for a friend?

• 1:36:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:36:30Theo Von?

  You could watch your dad drink it, watch your mom drink it. Do you mix it with something?

• 1:36:34Speaker 01

  Uh, you can have it straight up. It's got a nice spice to it, or you can put soda water or Coke or whatever the hell. Bad decisions. Mix it up.

• 1:36:41Theo Von?

  Bodega Cat, dude, I wanna see you guys win with this.

• 1:36:44Speaker 01

  We're trying. We wanna retire on this puppy and it's, uh, it's, people seem to like it when they try it, so. Get a bottle.

• 1:36:51Theo Von?

  I love that. And this is you and?

• 1:36:53Speaker 01

  Sam Morril.

• 1:36:54Theo Von?

  Oh, that's hilarious, dude.

• 1:36:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, just a couple of old pals. We feel like you're sober now. Everybody got sober on us. So we're like the last men barely standing. You know, we're, we're, uh,

• 1:37:05Theo Von?

  You and Shane.

• 1:37:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, Shane, but he's a beer guy.

• 1:37:08Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:09Speaker 01

  So we like the liquor. So like Dan Soder, Joe List, all these guys, they got, uh, they got sober. Bert's out there.

• 1:37:17Theo Von?

  Yeah, Bert is definitely, he's the Neil Armstrong of, uh, alcohol.

• 1:37:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:37:23Theo Von?

  Whatever that guy is, he's just out on the moon.

• 1:37:24Speaker 01

  Yes, one, one small step for, for alcoholism.

• 1:37:29Theo Von?

  Yeah, I'm just trying to think if there's something else we should talk about. Go through the news really quick, story that there's a couple.

• 1:37:34Speaker 01

  Trump had that gold card thing for wealthy immigrants to expedite citizenship.

• 1:37:38Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:39Speaker 01

  Oh, that's doing well.

• 1:37:40Theo Von?

  Oh, that gold card? Yeah, Trump had that gold card. Is it doing well?

• 1:37:43Speaker 01

  I heard they sold a thousand of them already.

• 1:37:45Theo Von?

  Nuh-uh.

• 1:37:46Speaker 01

  Which is what? What's that? Five? Million? I'm an idiot.

• 1:37:50Theo Von?

  Times 1,000? That is, uh, 500 million.

• 1:37:56Speaker 01

  Thank you. That's a lot of, lot of scratch.

• 1:37:58Theo Von?

  No, it's more than that. It's 5 billion.

• 1:38:01Speaker 01

  Is it? Jesus.

• 1:38:03Theo Von?

  Do 5 million times 1,000. God.

• 1:38:06Speaker 01

  We should know this.

• 1:38:08Speaker 01

  5 billion, you had it? You had it.

• 1:38:11Theo Von?

  The second time.

• 1:38:11Speaker 01

  Second time. Asian.

• 1:38:13Theo Von?

  Sing Tammany Parish.

• 1:38:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's AI is gonna take over.

• 1:38:16Theo Von?

  He pulled out the Trump card. President Trump proudly showed off the design of his administration's new $5 million gold card to reporters aboard Air Force One on Thursday. Let me just see what it looks like, dude.

• 1:38:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:38:26Theo Von?

  Are they selling commemorative ones? They have to be. That's a smart move.

• 1:38:28Speaker 01

  But does it look like a Walmart card or like a Costco? It's gotta look cool. Ah, damn, it looks Chinese. That's like Mao.

• 1:38:36Theo Von?

  Bro! Fucking so Mao, dude. Bro, and yeah, but that's wild that they're selling those. What do you think about that? Because now it's like, This, you can just be a citizen with five million bucks.

• 1:38:47Speaker 01

  Well, I feel like if you've got five mil to throw away to get into America, you want to get here. And you're not like a, like a poor guy.

• 1:38:54Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:38:54Speaker 01

  So you probably have, you're probably doing alright. So yeah, bring them in.

• 1:38:58Theo Von?

  So it's become like a home for the elites. This has become a, it's become the, um, Saint-Tropez or whatever.

• 1:39:04Speaker 01

  There you go.

• 1:39:05Theo Von?

  Of humanity. But do they still have to pass, um, immigration tests? What is the rules with that?

• 1:39:10Speaker 01

  Good question. You hope so. You still, you can't just buy your way in. You gotta still do the homework.

• 1:39:16Theo Von?

  Dude, I'm gonna do that. If I get to meet him again, I'm gonna ask him if I can have one of those as a gift.

• 1:39:21Speaker 01

  Oh my God. But you're already in. You don't need one.

• 1:39:24Theo Von?

  But I'll stay in.

• 1:39:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, you can frame that bitch.

• 1:39:27Theo Von?

  I'm staying in, mom.

• 1:39:28Speaker 01

  You could use that at every bar. Hey, you want my ID? Goldie. Suck it.

• 1:39:32Theo Von?

  Well, what does it say? Does he have any other information on it?

• 1:39:34Speaker 01

  Sydney Sweeney could sell a few of those to her box. I'll tell you that.

• 1:39:38Theo Von?

  God, dude. I can't believe you came and your wife again.

• 1:39:42Speaker 01

  I know. I gotta get my shit together.

• 1:39:45Theo Von?

  Mark.

• 1:39:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm an idiot. We'll see what happens. She's very, she's very fertile.

• 1:39:50Theo Von?

  Is she?

• 1:39:51Speaker 01

  Oh yeah. Fertile Myrtle over here.

• 1:39:54Theo Von?

  God.

• 1:39:54Speaker 01

  You could throw a...

• 1:39:56Theo Von?

  I've never done that.

• 1:39:57Speaker 01

  You've never gotten a lady pregnant?

• 1:39:58Theo Von?

  I've never ejaculated in a woman.

• 1:40:00Speaker 01

  What?

• 1:40:01Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:40:01Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:40:02Theo Von?

  Talked about this before. Yeah, my whole life I haven't.

• 1:40:04Speaker 01

  That's, boy, you got goodwill power. Even when you were drinking?

• 1:40:07Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:40:08Speaker 01

  Man, I'm impressed.

• 1:40:09Theo Von?

  Goodwill spanking. That's my, that's my movie coming out.

• 1:40:17Theo Von?

  The proposal aims to supplement or replace the existing EB5 Immigrant Investors Visa Program, which required foreign investors to create or preserve 10 permanent full-time jobs for US workers. The gold card simplifies this process by allowing the wealthy foreigners to pay $5 million for a visa, granting them green card privileges and a route to citizenship.

• 1:40:39Theo Von?

  Do they still have to pass immigration? Let me see. At the White House press conference on February 26, Trump and the US Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick introduced the concept of a gold card as a new pathway to US citizenship.

• 1:40:50Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 1:40:53Theo Von?

  It's not a bad idea that there's this golden ticket, kind of. Cause at least they're making money off it. I'm just curious to see, they've talked about getting rid of the FED, getting rid of the IRS, if that shit can happen.

• 1:41:03Speaker 01

  Hmm, yeah, that's some big moves, very radical.

• 1:41:06Theo Von?

  It'd be crazy, and we wouldn't have to pay taxes anymore, like just...

• 1:41:09Speaker 01

  Well, we used to not have income tax in America, back in the day.

• 1:41:12Theo Von?

  I know.

• 1:41:12Speaker 01

  That came up later.

• 1:41:14Theo Von?

  Be nice to get back to that.

• 1:41:15Speaker 01

  Ah, and we could use it, I mean, eggs are nine million dollars now.

• 1:41:18Theo Von?

  Are they?

• 1:41:18Speaker 01

  Eggs are way through the roof.

• 1:41:20Theo Von?

  Yeah, they busted more people bringing eggs in than they busted fentanyl dealers, which is kind of insane.

• 1:41:24Speaker 01

  Is that a joke?

• 1:41:25Theo Von?

  No.

• 1:41:25Speaker 01

  Whoa, how do you carry that in? I mean, fentanyl, at least you can throw it in a, in a car tire or something, but eggs, you gotta really...

• 1:41:32Theo Von?

  You gotta hide that.

• 1:41:33Speaker 01

  Shipping and handling.

• 1:41:34Theo Von?

  I know, that's a good point, huh? You have to just walk real slow with them, balance of your head. US sees large rise in border seizures of eggs while fentanyl rates fall.

• 1:41:42Speaker 01

  Damn, well, at least fentanyl's going down.

• 1:41:45Theo Von?

  With egg prices soaring due to the bird flu outbreak, border officials say they're catching more people attempting to bring eggs in the United States illegally. US Customs and Border Protection said, "This week, that seizure of raw eggs have risen by 48% at entry points."

• 1:41:59Speaker 01

  Damn.

• 1:42:01Theo Von?

  In fact, sharp increases in egg seizures are outpacing borders' official interceptions of deadly fentanyl. It's so much easier to catch an egg, though.

• 1:42:09Speaker 01

  Of course, of course, you can just shake a guy and then watch it run down his leg.

• 1:42:13Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:42:13Speaker 01

  But we gotta get a chicken, what are we doing? Just get your own chicken, you'll be like, uh, it's like growing your own weed now.

• 1:42:22Theo Von?

  Dude, make a fucking fentanyl omelet, that's what I would do. That thing's gotta go, man.

• 1:42:27Speaker 01

  And then you wonder, do the chickens know about the egg prices? They'd probably feel pretty good about themselves, like, damn, I'm shitting out gold here.

• 1:42:32Theo Von?

  Yeah, imagine the pride they would walk around with, huh?

• 1:42:35Speaker 01

  Exactly, bakak. And now Hooters is gone, so they're not getting chopped up for the wings, the chickens are living the dream.

• 1:42:41Theo Von?

  Dude, I quit, the last Hooters I went to was that one around the fucking west bank over there.

• 1:42:44Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:42:45Theo Von?

  The one where Anthony Davis, oh, no.

• 1:42:47Speaker 01

  Look at that, oh shit, I didn't even realize that, that's crazy.

• 1:42:50Theo Von?

  Dude, I did not realize that, that's the one where Anthony Davis allegedly knocked up the waitress, remember that?

• 1:42:55Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:42:56Theo Von?

  Hootet on the back, baby.

• 1:42:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, that was a great Hooters.

• 1:43:00Theo Von?

  God, it was pretty good over there.

• 1:43:02Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, but if RFK saw us eating that, he'd shit the bed.

• 1:43:05Theo Von?

  I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, it'd be crazy to see what would happen, man. If they stop Hooters, we're all gonna be mad off.

• 1:43:11Speaker 01

  We do need better food. I think, uh, like a lot of people get mad about RFK, but I'm like, we are sick, we are fat, we are obese, and we are, we pay the most in healthcare and we're the, we're the least healthy.

• 1:43:21Theo Von?

  And racism, too.

• 1:43:23Speaker 01

  Sure. I can't really fix that, can you?

• 1:43:26Theo Von?

  But you don't see somebody fasting that's using the fucking racial slurs.

• 1:43:29Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 1:43:30Theo Von?

  You don't see somebody fasting yelling [BLEEP] out of their fucking window with their last, like, living available energy.

• 1:43:36Speaker 01

  Right, but if you yell the N-word, you better run fast. You gotta get the hell out of there.

• 1:43:40Theo Von?

  Yeah, you gotta be fast.

• 1:43:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:43:44Theo Von?

  That's a different kind of fasting. Um, one more thing. Anything else you wanna talk about again before we leave marketing?

• 1:43:49Speaker 01

  Oh, boy. I feel like we covered a lot.

• 1:43:51Theo Von?

  We did. We to- we totally did.

• 1:43:52Speaker 01

  You gotta ask out Sydney Sweeney? That could be your new, your next kid. Could be a Sweeney.

• 1:43:56Theo Von?

  She's gonna be upset, though, that we talked about her breasts, I bet, in the beginning.

• 1:43:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I think she's heard it all. I mean, she's, imagine the fucking creepos DMing her.

• 1:44:05Theo Von?

  It's a good point. Yeah, and you're telling me to DM her now.

• 1:44:07Speaker 01

  Well, but you're a nice guy, you're successful, you're funny.

• 1:44:10Theo Von?

  She's gonna be upset, though. But we were just joking.

• 1:44:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, of course, we're joking, you know?

• 1:44:15Theo Von?

  We were just joking, dude. I just watched White Lotus, season one. That was great.

• 1:44:18Speaker 01

  Oh, nice. Yeah, two is good, and three is bananas.

• 1:44:22Theo Von?

  It is?

• 1:44:22Speaker 01

  I mean, it, they, they upped it.

• 1:44:25Theo Von?

  I can't even imagine.

• 1:44:26Speaker 01

  It's naughty. It's dark and, don't watch it with your parents. I'll just say that.

• 1:44:31Theo Von?

  Tuesdays with stories, that's it?

• 1:44:32Speaker 01

  Tuesday stories and we might be drunk. Those are the pods.

• 1:44:35Theo Von?

  Um, yeah, I still gotta fucking come up there, man.

• 1:44:39Speaker 01

  We'd love to have you. It's an open invite, anytime.

• 1:44:41Theo Von?

  I owe you, man.

• 1:44:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, no problem. I know you're a busy queef.

• 1:44:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, what about Luigi? I heard he's go- going to the death chair.

• 1:44:49Theo Von?

  Mangione?

• 1:44:50Speaker 01

  Yeah. Oh, yeah.

• 1:44:53Theo Von?

  Did he really?

• 1:44:54Speaker 01

  I heard he's getting the, the death penalty. Maybe I'm wrong. But, yeah, look at that guy.

• 1:44:58Theo Von?

  Kinda pisses me off, man.

• 1:45:01Speaker 01

  The irony. Well, it sucks that he did this. You know, you shouldn't go around killing people, but it didn't change anything. That's the worst part.

• 1:45:09Theo Von?

  Well, it just shows you, man. I mean, I saw Luigi Mangione facing a slew of federal and state charges in the slaying of healthcare CEO Brian Thompson, could be sentenced to death if he's convicted of federal murder charges, in what criminal justice experts say was a rare but unsurprising move to pursue the death penalty by the Justice Department this week.

• 1:45:27Speaker 01

  Wow. Damn.

• 1:45:29Theo Von?

  Dude, remember Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Tuesday that she's instructed federal prosecutors to seek the death penalty for Mangione, 26. Dude, remember, what happened with those Epstein binders? Remember that shit?

• 1:45:38Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. That and the JFK, that just kinda went away.

• 1:45:42Theo Von?

  Well, I think there was nothing new in the JFK, right? I think everybody just kind of like, it feels like there's nothing new there. But remember the binders? They gave them all to these like six, like, kind of bizarre influencers?

• 1:45:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:45:55Theo Von?

  And it look how, I mean, bro, how staged, this is the most staged thing ever, right?

• 1:46:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, and they could be like, today's the day, it's coming out. And you're like, well, what are you doing to me?

• 1:46:04Theo Von?

  And then nothing has happened since then.

• 1:46:06Speaker 01

  No, they're edging us with this list.

• 1:46:07Theo Von?

  Yeah. How could it take this many years? How fake or procured? It's almost like you're just, I bet in the background, they are threatening everybody, you're gonna be on this list.

• 1:46:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:46:19Theo Von?

  If you don't fucking file suit right now.

• 1:46:21Speaker 01

  That's gotta be it, it's leverage.

• 1:46:23Theo Von?

  And then look at this binders, it's, I mean, how fake is that?

• 1:46:26Speaker 01

  Well, we got Ghislaine, she's just sitting in a jail cell, let's talk to that broad.

• 1:46:30Theo Von?

  Who is it?

• 1:46:31Speaker 01

  Ghislaine Maxwell, she did all the, uh, the recruiting.

• 1:46:34Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, she was like the, um, she did the college recruiting or whatever?

• 1:46:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:46:38Theo Von?

  She ran the portal?

• 1:46:39Speaker 01

  Yes, exactly, the portal. Uh, yeah, she's around, we could talk to her, but no.

• 1:46:45Theo Von?

  That's a good point, where is she? What is she up to?

• 1:46:48Speaker 01

  I think she's sitting in a jail cell, like, living it up.

• 1:46:51Theo Von?

  It's getting fucking interesting in the world, guys. If you wanna live in an interesting time, fucking, this is it. This is it, you like playing the game Clue, this is it, man.

• 1:47:02Speaker 01

  That's it, every day is Clue, you know, it's the school shooter in the homeroom with the AK.

• 1:47:07Theo Von?

  Yeah, every day, dude. Um... The Pelicans suck still.

• 1:47:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:47:13Theo Von?

  They fucking suck.

• 1:47:14Speaker 01

  What else is new?

• 1:47:15Theo Von?

  Yep, that's it. Saints, you hoping for them next season?

• 1:47:18Speaker 01

  Always, always. I feel like we got one Super Bowl win in 2010 and it's all downhill. But we had the, the Super Bowl in, in New Orleans, looked fucking amazing. Did you go?

• 1:47:28Theo Von?

  No.

• 1:47:29Speaker 01

  It killed me. I was texting Gillis, I was texting Burt, like, I had so much FOMO, cause you know, we're from there and it was just-

• 1:47:34Theo Von?

  We should've been there.

• 1:47:35Speaker 01

  The city was alive, we should've been there. I just had a kid, so I couldn't leave.

• 1:47:38Theo Von?

  Oh, that kid's only a couple months old?

• 1:47:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, two months.

• 1:47:41Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 1:47:42Speaker 01

  Crazy.

• 1:47:43Theo Von?

  Is it, do you really miss it when you're gone from it?

• 1:47:44Speaker 01

  I do, he's in the car right now, but-

• 1:47:46Theo Von?

  You're lying.

• 1:47:47Speaker 01

  No, no. But, uh, yeah, he's-

• 1:47:51Theo Von?

  Oh my god, go order him a coffee or something. Um, that's a lot, man. Congratulations, dude, I feel bad, I feel like I didn't ask you enough about your kid.

• 1:47:59Speaker 01

  No, no, it's, everybody's got a kid. It's, retards and crackheads have kids, you know, it's not that, it's not that big of a deal, but-

• 1:48:06Theo Von?

  Is it fun having a kid in the city, or does it make you start to think about moving out?

• 1:48:09Speaker 01

  Well, I got, I got lucky, me and the lady, we had the kid on the way, so we moved to Brooklyn, we got a backyard, we got some space, so that helps.

• 1:48:16Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 1:48:17Speaker 01

  But I just, I like New York.

• 1:48:18Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:48:19Speaker 01

  So, we're staying.

• 1:48:20Theo Von?

  Well, your energy, you like, you're, you're that guy.

• 1:48:21Speaker 01

  Yeah. Comedy.

• 1:48:23Theo Von?

  Uh, Mark Norman, thanks so much, dude, you have your new series that's on YouTube?

• 1:48:28Speaker 01

  It's on, uh, Punch Up Live, which is like a paywall kinda thing. So go to punchuplive.com, page to stage.

• 1:48:35Theo Von?

  Okay, page to stage.

• 1:48:37Speaker 01

  You got it.

• 1:48:38Theo Von?

  And, um, and you have your two podcasts Tuesdays with stories.

• 1:48:42Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 1:48:43Theo Von?

  And-

• 1:48:44Speaker 01

  We might be drunk.

• 1:48:45Theo Von?

  We might be drunk. Uh, Mark Norman, thanks so much, dude, have a blast at Kill Tony, man, and if we can even say you're doing it, and, uh-

• 1:48:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:48:52Theo Von?

  Who dat, dude?

• 1:48:53Speaker 01

  Who dat, for life. Good to see you, buddy.

• 1:48:55Theo Von?

  You too, man, thank you, bro.