How to Stop Caring What People Think of You

Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them. — Today, you’re going to learn the simple trick to stop caring what other people think. If you find that you take things personally, worry what other people think about you, are scared of being judged, or find that you can’t stop overthinking, you’ll love this episode. You’ll learn how to stop people-pleasing and start doing what is right for you. Featured in today’s episode is Chrissy Teigen, who opens up about her own struggles with people-pleasing. Mel gives Chrissy the coaching session of a lifetime, and what they talk about together will resonate deeply with you. This episode is both deeply personal and highly practical. You’ll learn: Why you care so much about what other people think. How to Let Them think bad thoughts about you. The tools you need to live your life on your own terms again. Get ready to take back control of your life again and live it for yourself. To listen to Chrissy Teigen’s new podcast on Audible, Self-Conscious with Chrissy Teigen, go to https://audible.com/chrissyandmel Get a copy of Mel’s new book, The Let Them Theory, which she mentions in this episode, https://www.melrobbins.com/letthemtheory For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page: https://www.melrobbins.com/podcasts/episode-252 Follow The Mel Robbins Podcast on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themelrobbinspodcast I’m just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I’ll see you in the next episode. In this episode: 0:00 Introduction 9:51 The Role of Childhood in Self-Esteem 12:26 Chrissy's Struggle with Public Perception 15:00 Taking Back Control from How Others Perceive You 18:01 Setting an Example For Your Loved Ones 25:19 Understanding Self-Criticism 33:09 Taking Control of Your Self-Worth 38:33 Real-Life Applications of 'Let Them' — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com​ — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins​?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Mel Robbins?

  Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

• 0:08Mel Robbins?

  Today, you are going to talk about one of the biggest obstacles that's holding you back. What is the obstacle? Oh, it's worrying about what other people think and then how hard you are on yourself because of it. So if you're exhausted by worrying about other people, or if you're tired of constantly feeling misunderstood, or if you feel like you're trapped in this prison of self-criticism, you're so hard on yourself, our conversation today will set you free. I'm going to teach you a revolutionary new approach to life. Let people have negative thoughts about you. Your power is never in what someone else thinks. Your power is in what you think about yourself.

• 0:48Mel Robbins?

  Today, you're going to learn how to use the let them theory to let people have their opinions and focus on living your life in a way that makes you proud of yourself.

• 1:08Mel Robbins?

  Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so thrilled to be here with you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for hitting play on this episode and choosing to spend some time with me. It is always an honor to be together with you. If you're brand new to the Mel Robbins Podcast, I just want to welcome you to the family. Here's what I know about you. The fact that you actually hit play on this tells me that you're the kind of person who really values your time and that you've made the time to listen to something that could truly help you create a better life. There is no doubt in my mind, you have hit play on the perfect episode because today we are going to unpack a topic that I personally believe is the single biggest obstacle that

• 1:51Mel Robbins?

  stands in the way of you and your ability to achieve absolutely everything that you want in your life. And what is that obstacle? That obstacle is your fear of what other people think about you. Mm-hmm. We all have it. We worry about it. We care about what other people think. We try to manage what other people think. People think you probably don't even realize how much of a default it is for you to stop and consider what somebody might think before you post something on social media, before you say something at work, before you make the move that you've been afraid to make, before you start the conversation. You always stop and you consider what somebody else is going to think or do in response to it. And you don't even realize how often you do this.

• 2:35Mel Robbins?

  I didn't either until I discovered the let them theory and starting to learn to catch myself. Whenever I was considering what somebody else would think or how they might react and worrying about it and learning how to say let them, it has been life altering. And one of the reasons why I thought I got to dedicate an entire episode to this is because first of all, you struggle with this. That's why you chose to listen to this. That's why somebody that you care about deeply forwarded you this episode because they want you to stop worrying so much about what everybody thinks and live your life and be happy. But I'm here to tell you, you're not alone. Every single human being struggles with this. And so I thought, here's what we're going to do.

• 3:20Mel Robbins?

  We're going to unpack this today because in the 35 press interviews that I've done so far for the let them theory book, this is the biggest question everybody's asking. And I don't care who's on the other side of the microphone with me, whether it's Oprah Winfrey, or the New York Times, or it's Time Magazine, or it is the Wall Street Journal. Everybody wants to know, how do I stop caring about what other people think? And that's what we're going to do today. And I'm so excited because I'm going to teach you this in a really special way. We're going to talk about this topic and I'm going to unpack it by sharing a conversation with you that I had with Chrissy Teigen. And before we even jump into it, I want to thank Chrissy.

• 4:01Mel Robbins?

  I want to thank her for allowing me to share this conversation with you because we were talking on her new podcast and she was so open with what she's struggling with and she struggles with what other people think about her. I mean, it's almost crippling to her that people would think something negative, that they would attack her and she was so open about it. And on top of it, she allowed me to coach her. And I got in her face about this because it's really sad when you hold yourself back because you're afraid of something that you can't control. Because you're going to learn, you will never, ever, ever be able to control or guarantee what another person thinks about you. Never.

• 4:46Mel Robbins?

  And so I not only got in Chrissy's face about this because I want her to have a breakthrough, but I need to get into your face about this because you need a breakthrough about this. Right now, you are holding yourself back because you're worried about what your friends from college are thinking, or you're worried about what your parents are going to be thinking, or you're worried about, you know, what your boss is going to think, or this, or that, or the other thing. And more importantly, it's not even that worrying about it is the problem. It's the fact that you then aim it back at yourself. Like, I think it's fine to care what other people think. It's a sign that you're a good person. That's not the problem. The problem is how you hold yourself back, how you silence your opinion, how you

• 5:29Mel Robbins?

  use other people's opinions as a means to make yourself feel like you're not good enough as you are. That's going to stop today. And the reason why we struggle with this is because you believe that there's a way that you can behave that somehow can manipulate or guarantee that somebody will think a certain thing. I'm here to tell you, you can't. And any time and any energy that you pour into trying to manipulate or control or guarantee what somebody else is going to think about you is a gigantic waste of time and energy. And

• 6:11Mel Robbins?

  in fact, anytime you start worrying about what somebody else thinks about you, you actually cause stress and anxiety for yourself. The fact that you're worrying about what everybody thinks so much is actually a major source of stress. And there is an easier way to live. I am going to prove it to you today with the help of Chrissy Teigen. And it may surprise you. That when you listen to Chrissy and you listen to her share, it may surprise you that when you consider her life, well, this is a woman that is so wildly successful. She's an extraordinary businesswoman. She has four amazing kids. She's got an incredible marriage to John Legend. And she struggles with this. And so from the outside, you see somebody who's succeeding.

• 6:53Mel Robbins?

  So you don't think that this is a person who feels misunderstood. You don't think that this is a person who feels like she's living in a prison of her own making. You don't think that this is a person who lives in fear that she's going to pass this on to her kids. And what is it that she's afraid she's going to pass on to her kids? Well, it's this fear of being misunderstood, this fear that people are criticizing her, this fear that she can never do anything right. And the let them theory is liberating in this regard, not only for Chrissy Teigen, but also for you and for whomever you share this with. And so I just want to thank Chrissy because she is giving me permission to share a few segments from her new podcast,

• 7:37Mel Robbins?

  Self-Conscious with Chrissy Teigen. And you can listen to the whole conversation that Chrissy and I had right now if you just go to audible.com/ChrissyAndMel. So on the opening of her podcast, I explained to Chrissy what the let them theory is. And in case you're brand new to the Mel Robbins Podcast family, let me just share what the let them theory is to you as well. So let them theory is a very simple mindset tool that shows you instantly what's in your control and what's not in your control. And there's two very simple parts to the let them theory. Part one, you're going to use whenever you feel yourself starting to get frustrated, or stressed out, or annoyed, or worried about what somebody else is doing, feeling, or saying. Just say, let them. Let them say what they're going to say.

• 8:22Mel Robbins?

  Let them think what they're going to think. I'm going to stop trying to control them and just let them. And the second step is when you say, let me. And when you say, let me, you remind yourself that in life, there's only three things you can control. It's what you think, it's what you do or don't do, and it's how you process the feelings that are rising up. And when you say, let me, this is where you get your power back. Let me remind myself that my power is not in what other people are doing. My power is always in my response. And when you focus on your response, and particularly you focus on showing up in a way that makes you proud of yourself, you're now in control of your life.

• 9:05Mel Robbins?

  And so I explained that to Chrissy on her new podcast. And this is what she had to say in response.

• 9:12Speaker 01

  I can say that to myself all I want. I can say, let them, let them, let them think their thoughts, let yourself be misunderstood. It's okay. You have a wonderful family, wonderful friends, a wonderful life. But it is so incredibly challenging for me. The one thing I wish I could change was that I wish I weren't so misunderstood. And I wish people knew how good I was. And it's so desperate sounding and so sad, but that for me is my biggest battle in life.

• 9:48Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, I'm so happy that she shared that because I don't think it sounds desperate at all. Haven't you ever had an experience in your life where you felt like you just wished that people didn't misunderstand you? That you wish people knew who, how good you were? How you had such great intentions? I think that's a really universal fear. And I was so glad that she actually shared that this is the one thing I wish I could change. I mean, just imagine what would change about your life if you really could just let people think what they think and you didn't worry about being misunderstood. And so of course I had to ask Chrissy directly, like, why are you so concerned about what other people think?

• 10:32Mel Robbins?

  And what is it exactly that you're afraid of? And this is what she had to say.

• 10:38Speaker 01

  Since I was little, I really wanted to be loved. And I really wanted adoration and affection. I had a parent that was not very touchy feely. I felt growing up that I was someone that she could show off. And so when I was little and going up to people and saying my words in Thai or doing what I was told and being good, I got really good feedback from that. And I got that feeling of always wanting to be really good for everybody. And it's been in me since I was little.

• 11:19Mel Robbins?

  I think it's been inside all of us since we were little. I mean, if you just think about your own life, when did you get positive attention? It's when you were performing, or you got good grades, or the team that you were on won. And so what she's talking about here is something that so many of the psychologists and psychiatrists that have come on the Mel Robbins podcast talk about, which is the experience that you had when you were little, where you got positive attention. It kind of tells you, oh, oh, oh, when other people are telling me that I'm good, when other people are giving me positive attention, that's how I know that I feel good about myself. But here's the problem. As long as you locate your goodness, and whether or not you're doing a good job as

• 12:02Mel Robbins?

  a person in the opinions and the moods of other people, you're never going to be in control of it. And that's why so many of us, whether it's Chrissy Teigen, or it's you, or it's me, we find ourselves in these situations in life where you're like, oh, my gosh, why am I so concerned about what other people think about me? And as I explained to Chrissy, look, it's natural when you're a kid, because you need to be cared for, to be deeply, deeply connected to the people around you, and attuned to them, and looking to them for positive signaling, that you're okay, and that you're good. That's what happens when we're kids. But when we are adults, we have to pull that

• 12:42Mel Robbins?

  back to ourselves. And that's where the let them theory is really going to change things. Because when you outsource your self-worth, when you outsource the positive affirmations to other people's opinions, you will never feel safe. And so I was explaining to Chrissy that you're really going to love the let them theory, because it's going to teach you how to stop looking outside yourself for the thing that you're actually seeking. And as I started to explain this to Chrissy, that the more you can learn to let other people say what they're going to say, be who they're going to be, the better your life is going to get. Because you're going to understand that what you think about yourself is actually the most important thing.

• 13:25Mel Robbins?

  And in this next part, in the conversation that we had on her new podcast, Self-Conscious, she started talking about her relationship with herself. And this is where it starts to go way deeper. Take a listen.

• 13:39Speaker 01

  The relationship with myself is the hardest part. I've always been a punisher, whether it was through... Diets and food emotionally or drinking, I always inflict some kind of pain on myself and punish myself for letting people down or feeling like I wasn't good enough in a group of people. And it's so all encompassing. I very rarely leave the house because when I do and I interact with people out in the world, whether it's through work or just being out shopping at the grocery store, I just destroy myself and work so hard to make sure that they had a really good experience with me. And then I come home and I dwell on it forever. It's getting so exhausting being this mean to myself. And I don't know what it's like to not be that way.

• 14:24Speaker 01

  And if I could heal that part of myself, so much would change. So much of my day would be free to think of other things that really matter. But right now I'm in a prison of it.

• 14:38Mel Robbins?

  You're clearly in a prison of it because you've given all the control to other people. Your worth, your value, whether or not you're happy, whether or not you are proud of yourself, is entirely given away to other people's reactions or what they say. And just like you cannot control what another human being feels, you will never be able to control what someone else thinks about you.

• 15:08Speaker 01

  I can by being really good.

• 15:11Mel Robbins?

  No, you can't. No, you can't. When we're done talking, can you control what I'm going to say about you? When my two daughters are like,

• 15:21Mel Robbins?

  can you actually control what my thoughts and feelings about you are going to be?

• 15:28Speaker 01

  No.

• 15:30Mel Robbins?

  Excellent.

• 15:31Speaker 01

  I know that and I'm saying that, but there's another level of me that's, I can do the best I can to ensure that you.

• 15:45Mel Robbins?

  So there's a couple of things I want to unpack about this because she's describing something that you have experienced, which is, have you ever had the experience of you wake up in the morning, you feel fine, you feel good about yourself, the day starts, and then you get to work and something goes down? And suddenly, you're obsessing over the email that somebody sent you, or the mood that your boss is in, or maybe something happened at school or with your friends, and you start obsessing, "I should have done this, I should have done that, I should have done the other thing." What are we doing when we do that? What we're doing is we're giving our power away. We're basically saying that our worth lies in what another human being thinks about us.

• 16:28Mel Robbins?

  That if you don't act the right way at work and somebody's upset with you, that somehow now you're the bad person. I'm here to tell you, absolutely not. This is why you need the let them theory. Like, your boss's bad mood doesn't mean you're a bad person. Somebody saying something negative about you doesn't mean you have to feel negatively about yourself. And I knew that intellectually, but I never knew how to separate myself from other people's moods and other people's opinions of me. And the let them theory has been life-altering in this regard. And this is what I was trying to explain to Chrissy. She's literally describing how you probably go through your day too, where you're concerned

• 17:11Mel Robbins?

  about what people at work think about you, you're concerned about what your sorority sisters think about you, you're concerned about what your family thinks about you. What if we were to invert this? What if you were more concerned about what you think about you? And instead of exhausting yourself over something you'll never be able to manage, you pull the power back. This is what I was trying to explain to her, and I think she's starting to get it.

• 17:33Speaker 01

  And if I could heal that part of myself, so much would change. So much of my day would be free to think of other things that really matter.

• 17:45Mel Robbins?

  Can you actually control what my thoughts and feelings about you are going to be?

• 17:52Speaker 01

  No.

• 17:53Mel Robbins?

  She said the correct answer, no. Just like, I can't control what you're gonna think about me as you're listening to this podcast episode. Please, take a moment and share this with everybody that you care about, because everybody needs to learn how to let people have negative thoughts and take their power back. Oh, there's so much more that we need to unpack, and I want to stay on this topic. But let's take a quick pause so we can hear from our amazing sponsors of the Mel Robbins Podcast. And don't go anywhere, because I'm gonna be waiting for you after this short break.

• 18:33Speaker 01

  The relationship with myself is the hardest part. I've always been a punisher, whether it was through diets and food, emotionally, or drinking. I always inflict some kind of pain on myself and punish myself for letting people down, or feeling like I wasn't good enough in a group of people. And it's so, it's getting so exhausting, being this mean to myself. And I don't know what it's like to not be that way. And if I could heal that part of myself, so much would change.

• 19:11Mel Robbins?

  Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. I am so glad that you're here. I'm so glad that you're learning how to let people have negative thoughts. And again, I'm so grateful that Chrissy Teigen is allowing me to play some moments from her new podcast, Self-Conscious with Chrissy Teigen. As we're unpacking this, and it's really starting to sink in, you know, I have to applaud Chrissy, because she shared something very personal in this next segment. And I wanted to share it with you, because I think it's really important to stop and consider that how you move through life is an example to other people.

• 19:48Mel Robbins?

  And using the let them theory, you can truly take the power back and decide who you want to be. That's the let me part. Let me decide what I want to think about myself. Let me align my actions with the kind of person I want to be. Let me allow my emotions to rise and fall, instead of navigating my life based on what I think everybody else expects of me, or is going to be disappointed. And that brings me to this part of Chrissy's new podcast and the conversation that we had that I wanted to share with you, because she shared this fear that she had that is extremely personal. And I think it's an important part of this conversation. Check this out.

• 20:29Speaker 01

  One of the worst parts about it is me feeling crazy, or feeling that nobody else will understand this feeling. Why am I like this? I'm really scared of passing this along to my kids. I think that is the big realization for me. I can't do this to my kids. I don't ever want them to feel like they have to perform for everybody and be good all the time. But I know that sometimes I probably am that way. I do want them to be the most polite. And I don't want people to think that they're just celebrity asshole kids. And so I might go harder the other direction to make sure that they don't come off that

• 21:09Speaker 01

  way. And I really need to break that because I'm okay, and this is another reason I'm in therapy, I'm okay with me getting the shit end of the stick on anything, or living this life where I'm stressed and in pain. But I'm not okay with them. Yeah.

• 21:28Mel Robbins?

  Well, I can see that really bothers you.

• 21:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, because I see how much my interactions with adults as a child affected me from so many different layers, from whether it was sexual, or the reason I became such a people pleaser. And that was through sleeping with people. It travels so far in my life. It's not just that I wanted to smile and say my little tie words for people. It went in, that started that way, yes, but then I ended up.

• 22:02Speaker 02

  Believing, sorry, I ended up believing that I was for everybody and my body was for everybody. And it took a hold on every part of my life. And as you can see, it still has a hold on me now. So I cannot imagine this for my kids. I hope that they don't want to please everybody in life. And I hope that they know that their body is their own, their mind is their own, their actions are their own, and they can't control other people. I cannot have them live this way that I live.

• 22:38Mel Robbins?

  Who is going to teach them this? And that's the enormous opportunity that you have. When you understand what you're dealing with, you have the ability to face it and to make decisions to live differently. And that's exactly what you're doing. And your kids watch you. And they are watching how much strangers and other people impact how you feel about yourself. And so as you take this on and you truly start to separate what is your responsibility to

• 23:22Mel Robbins?

  manage, which is your thoughts, your feelings, your words. When you focus on that and you align your values with how you show up in life and you put yourself first in that regard, you are also showing your children that their opinion of themselves is more important than what anybody else says or does because they're no longer seeing their mom destroyed by what other people are saying.

• 23:56Speaker 01

  It always amazed me that I was the give no fucks girl. I'm like, you guys have no idea how many fucks I give.

• 24:03Mel Robbins?

  Well, anybody, anytime anybody says, I don't give a shit what they think, you know, they totally do because it's when you have to say that out loud, it's evidence that you are still processing something that bothers you.

• 24:23Mel Robbins?

  It's so true, isn't it? I bet you're thinking about somebody in your life who constantly says, "I don't care what they think. This is an episode they need to hear because the fact that they're saying it out loud means they care what they think." And I really want to unpack this whole idea of not giving any fucks. And let's look at what Chrissy Teigen actually said, because I have it right here.

• 24:42Speaker 01

  It always amazed me that I was the "give no fucks" girl. I'm like, "You guys have no idea how many fucks I give."

• 24:52Mel Robbins?

  You guys have no idea how many fucks I give. "Give" is the word. Because when you actually are worried, or try to manage what somebody else thinks, you give someone else power. That's why Chrissy's crying, because she's sensing and realizing how much power other people had over her life. And here's the other thing I want to say, both to you and to Chrissy, and I said this to her on her podcast. This isn't your fault. This isn't your fault. This was conditioned in you as a child.

• 25:32Mel Robbins?

  When you get positive reinforcement based on other people's behavior, your moms or the adults around you, of course, you're getting conditioned to please other people. Of course, you're getting trained to care what other people think. And a bigger issue is, you're actually being taught somehow that you are responsible for other people's moods and opinions, and that your worth is outside of you. And so, I want to come back to the word "give." When you give fucks, or you give a shit, or you give power to what somebody else thinks, you are always going to feel stressed out, anxious, and unworthy. Because you're never going to be in control of what somebody else thinks.

• 26:15Mel Robbins?

  And you're always going to be up in your head worried about it. And that's why the "let them" theory is going to change your life. Because when you say, "Let them think something negative. Let them be disappointed. Let them be upset that I'm not meeting their expectations. Let them say that I'm rude. Let them believe that I should be acting a different way. Let them unfollow me. Let them think what they're going to think." And then, a really funny thing happens, and this is something that I've noticed in my own life. The more I say, "Let them think something negative," And the more I take my power back and I really put all my time and energy into showing up in my life in a way that makes me proud of myself, I know who I am.

• 26:55Mel Robbins?

  And when I know who I am and I'm proud of myself because I'm trying and I'm doing my best and I know what my intentions are, I don't actually think about other people a whole lot because I know the truth. And that's what's available to you. And I want to go back to two things that Chrissy said that really struck me in the moment. She said,

• 27:20Speaker 01

  One of the worst parts about it is me feeling crazy or feeling that nobody else will understand this feeling. Why am I like this?

• 27:31Mel Robbins?

  Why do I do this? Like, why am I so mean to myself? Why am I such a people pleaser? Why do I constantly worry about what other people are thinking? Why, why, why? And the truth is, we're all like this. And it's a fundamental part of the human wiring. See, we are super hard on ourselves. And I'm sure if you really are honest with yourself, the way that Chrissy Teigen was honest with me about how she is bashing herself all the time, and she doesn't want to do this, and she doesn't want to pass this on to her kids, that I don't think we mean harm to ourselves.

• 28:12Mel Robbins?

  And yet, here we are caught in this negative loop with ourselves. And so, this is why we're looking for validation outside ourselves, because we're trying to escape the criticism that is running on repeat in our own heads. We're looking for clues from the outside world. And what I'm here to tell you is that since this has been going on since childhood, the better approach is to learn how to give yourself clues internally.

• 28:41Mel Robbins?

  And I never understood this until I talked to world renowned psychiatrist and bestselling author, Dr. Paul Conti. He wrote the New York Times bestseller, Trauma, The Invisible Epidemic. And the introduction for that book, the foreword, was written by Lady Gaga because he treated Lady Gaga and she says that Dr. Conti saved her life. As soon as I was done talking to Chrissy Teigen, I remembered Dr. Paul Conti and his appearance on the Mel Robbins podcast. And I'm like, this is exactly what he was talking about. I wish he was here talking to me and Chrissy. Well, through the magic of podcasting, I can bring him into this conversation because

• 29:21Mel Robbins?

  he explained why we are all so negative, why we are all criticizing ourselves, why we all feel like we're not good enough, and also why we give so much weight to other people's opinions, why we're constantly looking around at our bosses and our parents and our significant others and our friends for validation that we're a good person. And the way that he explains it, it's just, it's going to help you understand that other people's thoughts and other people's behavior does not determine your worth, even though this is how you've been operating since childhood. It's because this missing thing called attribution. This

• 30:01Mel Robbins?

  is so important that I really want you to hear Dr. Paul Conti explain this to you.

• 30:07Speaker 03

  Children are trying to understand, right? Especially at the stage of life where there's so many connections forming and the child is growing and learning about the world around them, that the child is trying to understand, but without the benefit of abstract thought and of life experience. But in children, they're trying to make sense of things without those capabilities. So then the idea is, it must be me, because there's not the thought, oh, people can have issues of their own that can impact how they're responding. So in one sense, they're responding to me, but they're not really responding to me. They're responding to what's inside of their head. So if I say, you know, mom or dad, can I have something

• 30:52Speaker 03

  to drink? And the person says, just go in the other room, or just yells me, that's, I didn't really do anything wrong. That, that, that person, my mom or my dad was in a bad place. They can't do that. So, so the attribution is to...

• 31:07Speaker 03

  Self, which is why the lessons that we learn in childhood can be so, so difficult into the future, because we don't have the capacity for the abstract thought, we don't have the life experience, so we attribute the negative things around us to ourselves. And this is where there was an English physician named Winnicott, who wrote about the idea of raising children is so that the child can feel good enough, right? And this wasn't an idea of limp over the line. That's not what good enough meant. Good enough means solidly good enough, and I'm good enough to face what there is for me to face. If that's something negative, I can get myself through negative things, and also I can get myself to better places.

• 31:49Speaker 03

  I can find better for myself. If I get knocked down, I can get back up again. These are the lessons that we want, and if we can get through childhood, and we can, if we didn't get through childhood, so feeling good enough, and there's aspects of not good enough, we carry along in all of us, then we can go back and look at that, and we can change that later in life.

• 32:19Mel Robbins?

  And at the deepest level, that's what you and I are talking about today. If anything that Chrissy Teigen and I shared with you in those moments in her podcast resonated with you, or if somebody in your life struggles with people pleasing, or if you're constantly on this negative loop, and you really are navigating your life based on people's moods, or their opinions, or worrying about them, or acting in a way, twisting yourself in knots, that people think that you're the good daughter, or the good wife, or the good mom, or the good dad, there's a different way that you can live. That good enough means that you know that within yourself... You have the ability through your thoughts and your actions to face anything that you

• 33:04Mel Robbins?

  know based on your thoughts and actions that you're a good person. You know what you intended, and that you hold the power and you are the person that determines your worth. I am on a roll. I have so much more I want to share with you, but I gotta hit the pause button so you can hear a word from our amazing sponsors. But don't you dare go anywhere, because when we return, we're jumping right back into this masterclass coaching session that you need, that people that you love need. So take a moment and share this with people in your life who need to be set free. Don't go anywhere. I'm gonna be waiting for you after a short break, and then we're gonna jump right back in. So stay with me.

• 33:48Speaker 01

  The one thing I wish I could change was that I wish I weren't so misunderstood, and I wish people knew how good I was. And it's so desperate sounding and so sad, but that for me is my biggest battle in life.

• 34:10Mel Robbins?

  Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. I am so glad that you're here. I'm so glad that you're learning how to let people have negative thoughts. And again, I'm so grateful that Chrissy Teigen is allowing me to play some moments from her new podcast, Self-Conscious with Chrissy Teigen, because we all need to learn how to let people think negative thoughts and take the power back. And using the let them theory, you can truly take the power back and decide who you want to be. Since childhood, we have been looking outside of ourselves to confirm that we're okay, and that we're loved, and that we're worthy. And the opportunity of this conversation is for you to take that power back and know

• 34:55Mel Robbins?

  inside yourself, based on how you act, how you treat yourself, what you think about, what you do, what you don't do, that you are a good person, because you know who you are at your core. And nothing has helped me do that more than learning to say, let them.

• 35:12Mel Robbins?

  Because when I say let them, if I put it in the words of Dr. Paul Conti, I'm now practicing attribution. I'm saying that if that person is in a bad mood, let them. If that person has a negative opinion about me, let them. I am attributing their behavior to them, and I am not attaching it to me and my self-worth. Isn't that so cool? It's the world's best boundary. Because you realize that when you let other people think, say, do, feel how they feel, that you attribute their behavior and their thoughts to them alone. And then you say the second part, "Let me", and you take all the power back and attribute your power

• 35:55Mel Robbins?

  to your thoughts, your feelings, and what you do or don't do. And that is how you will know deep in your core that you are good enough. That's how you're going to start to change the way that you talk yourself, the "let me" part. Let me remind myself of who I am and that I'm a good person, and I know what I intended. And that's how you stop this habit that so many of us have of constantly bending ourselves in knots or exhausting ourselves to try to please other people. Enough. You do not need to live that way. And I want to stay right on this topic because it's so important. I really wanted Chrissy to get this point, that you will never be able to control what somebody else thinks. That's number one. And number two,

• 36:41Mel Robbins?

  that two things can be true at once. It's a really important thing that I teach in the Let Them Theory and that I've learned over the last two years, that somebody can be disappointed in you and still like you or love you. Somebody can misunderstand you and you can still be a good person. Somebody can have a negative thought about you and you can still have positive self-worth. Two things can be true at once. And so in order to make sure that Chrissy and you understand that people are always going to have negative thoughts about you, always. And instead of exhausting yourself or putting yourself in a prison trying to manage what other people think,

• 37:25Mel Robbins?

  learning to just accept that people have negative thoughts, including the people that are the closest to you. That is a liberating way to go through life. You're just going to learn to let them think something negative. So in this next segment from her podcast, Self-Conscious with Chrissy Teigen, I want you to hear me set up this next piece of coaching, all about how you're never going to be able to control what somebody else thinks. And even the people that you love the most, they have negative thoughts about you all the time. Check this out. The issue is, you're focused on me and what I think of you.

• 38:06Mel Robbins?

  I want you to start focusing on you and what you think of you. That's what matters. And I'm going to prove something to you. The people that love you the most. So who loves you more than anybody on the planet?

• 38:27Speaker 01

  John.

• 38:28Mel Robbins?

  And who do you feel the safest with?

• 38:31Speaker 01

  John.

• 38:32Mel Robbins?

  Do you think John has negative thoughts about you?

• 38:35Speaker 01

  No.

• 38:37Mel Robbins?

  Baloney. I know you love John, so give me some negative thoughts and opinions that you've had about John today or yesterday.

• 38:46Speaker 01

  Oh, God. I think one of the only fights we really get in is about scheduling, or being home enough, being together enough, without kids, sometimes.

• 38:56Mel Robbins?

  I'll share some from mine. So my husband gets up in the morning and farts, and I'm like, you're disgusting. Or I worked late last night and it came down in the kitchen and he was eating cereal. And I'm like, why, you're not making dinner? What the hell? That's a negative thought. My daughter Sawyer, she's so intense. I'm like, you need to chill, dude. My daughter Kendall, I love her to pieces.

• 39:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, the kid thing is easier for me. I probably have, because the kids can drive you crazy. But John is so even keeled and just...

• 39:24Mel Robbins?

  But doesn't that drive you crazy? Aren't you like, sometimes, God, John?

• 39:27Speaker 01

  Yes, actually. Yes, I want some passion sometimes. I want him to get mad at me. I want him, but yeah.

• 39:33Mel Robbins?

  So that's an example of even though you love the person, negative thoughts pop in your mind. It doesn't make you love him less.

• 39:44Mel Robbins?

  And there are times where you drive John flipping crazy. He may not be telling you this, but he's thinking in his mind, something about you. And the point I'm trying to make is, the average human being has 70,000 thoughts a day, Chrissy, and they can barely control what they're thinking. There is never going to be a moment where you can ensure that another human being thinks something that you want them to think. That's not where your power is. Your power is in the let me part. So whenever you feel yourself getting worked up, whether it's a press storm, or it's something else, let them.

• 40:27Mel Robbins?

  When you spend all your time and energy exhausting yourself to make everybody else happy, you lose yourself. It is not your job, when you become an adult, Chrissy, to manage or fix other adults' emotions. Who, as a parent, are responsible for helping your children process their emotions, because children cannot regulate their own emotions without an adult helping them. But you are never responsible for managing someone else's emotions when they are an adult, no matter what you do. And I'm going to share some things with you to have you really try to embrace the truth

• 41:12Mel Robbins?

  of what I'm saying, and the freedom that is available to you. Because it's so sad to me to see a woman that I respect, who has an extraordinary marriage. You do so many remarkable things. You are an unbelievable businesswoman. And you place all of this power that you have in the hands of strangers on the internet. And you don't have to live like this.

• 41:40Speaker 01

  It's so interesting, when someone tells me something that I needed to hear, or when I have an epiphany about something, I get this incredible throbbing in my wrists and arms, and I can really feel it so hard now.

• 41:59Mel Robbins?

  And I hope you're feeling it too. And the sentence I want you to really laser in on is you don't have to live like this. And you don't have to have the millions of followers that Chrissy Teigen does to be paralyzed by people's opinions. I'm going to give you a simple example that I want you to think about, and it's an example that I know that you're going to relate to, and I shared it over and over and over when I would get asked about how you use the let them theory to stop caring about other people's thoughts. And I would say, well, you're never going to stop caring because it's important to care what other people think. Otherwise, you'd be a selfish jerk, and I don't want you to be that. What you need to do is care more about what you think.

• 42:43Mel Robbins?

  And so, learning to let people have negative thoughts, first of all, it recognizes, number one, that you'll never be able to control what somebody else thinks. Therefore, it is not worth your time and energy because you protect your time and energy. And second, you also recognize that your value as a human being is not in what somebody else thinks, it is in what you think about yourself. And three, when you let people think negative thoughts, you are acknowledging the fear that you have. Because the reason why you worry about what everybody else thinks is because you're afraid that it's going to be negative. So when you say let them, you're allowing this fear without allowing it. And you're also really valuing your time and energy because you're saying, I'm not

• 43:28Mel Robbins?

  going to waste time and energy on something that I can't control, and I also know that the power is not in what somebody else thinks. The power is in me and what I think about myself. And I know myself, so let them think something negative and let me remind myself that the power is in what I think about myself. And as long as I conduct myself in a way that I'm proud, even if somebody misunderstands me or is disappointed, I know the truth. Do you see how that means you hold the power? That you could be misunderstood and still understand yourself?

• 44:06Mel Robbins?

  That's true power. That's what's available to you. And so let me give you this example that I shared over and over and over again as people would ask me questions about this. I want you to think about posting on social media. So you open up your favorite app, mine is Instagram, and let's just say that there's something that you want to be using social media for. And maybe it's because you want to launch a new business, or maybe you're a singer and you want to put out your music, or maybe you're an artist and you want to post about your artistry, or maybe heck, you just want to put up a photo of you in a bathing suit or without a filter. So you're at this moment where you've got social media open, you go and you select

• 44:48Mel Robbins?

  a photo, or you select this kind of video that you've shot, and then what do you do? As you look at the photo or the video, you're like, oh, is this, you know, I don't know, filter, filter, filter, should I put this on a show? Is this too much? Too much for whom? As you're looking at the photo, who are you thinking about? You're not thinking about how you feel about the photo. You've actually, in that moment, as you stop and consider the photo, you are giving power to somebody else's opinion about the photo or video that you want to post. This is how quickly you put yourself in a prison. And then you go to write the caption, and you're like, blah, blah, blah, oh, delete, delete, delete, emoji, emoji, emoji, is this too much? For who?

• 45:32Mel Robbins?

  I want to remind you of something. Your social media is for your self-expression. It's for your business, it's for your artistry, it's not for your sorority sisters from college, it's not for your family, it's not for the women in your mother's group, it's for you. And you want to know how sad it is that you literally have so many draft posts that you've saved? Those are the graveyard of your dreams and self-expression. All those draft posts that you never posted on social media? Why? Because you sat there, you looked at the thing you wanted to do, and then you gave power to somebody else's opinions or feelings. They're going to unfollow me, what are people going to think? And that's something you're never going to have control over. This is why you don't feel control of your life.

• 46:16Mel Robbins?

  This is why you don't feel like you're understood. It's because in this moment, you're actually censoring yourself. Do you want to know how sad this is? You don't have to live like this. Let them think a negative thought about what you're going to post. Let them unfollow you. Let them roll their eyes. Let them gossip. You can't control any of it anyway. The only thing you can control is you can control what you think of yourself. And so in that moment on social media, if you like the photo, post it. If you want to say something, say it. Your social media, you are giving power to people all damn day long. You will never be able to control it.

• 47:00Mel Robbins?

  There's a different way to live. Use the let them theory. Let them think something negative. Let them do something negative like unfollow you or write some comment or whatever. Let them. You know that the power is not in someone else. The power is in you. And let me remind myself that what I think about myself matters more than what anybody thinks, says, or does, or feels about it. What I do or don't do is where the power is. That's why I'm going to post what I want to post. I'm going to post the bathing suit photo. I'm going to post this video without the filter. I'm going to write something powerful in the description and not dumb it down with an emoji because I'm afraid of what somebody thinks, all of which is beyond my control. That's what we're talking about here.

• 47:43Mel Robbins?

  Let them think something negative and take the power back for yourself. And you are going to feel so different in your life. Your social media is going to be different. You're going to be different at work, different with your family, because you're going to stop giving power to something that is beyond your control. You do not need to live that way. And the let them theory will help you take your power back. I just want to give one more big shout out to Chrissy Teigen and to our partners and friends at Audible. Thank you, thank you, thank you for allowing me to share some of that extraordinary conversation with you. If you want to hear the whole thing, just go to audible.com/crisseyandmel and you can

• 48:27Mel Robbins?

  listen to the entire thing. And I also want to thank you. Thank you for hitting play and finding and making the time to listen to something that will truly change your life. And I wanted to have this conversation in the way that I did because I knew that if you listen to some of the conversation with Chrissy, you would see yourself or somebody that you love in it. And by bringing in the deeper explanation from Dr. Paul Conti, I knew it would hit you at a much more profound level. It is possible to change how you think. It's possible to change how you talk to yourself. It's possible to feel good enough,

• 49:09Mel Robbins?

  and it is possible to learn how to let people think negative thoughts about you. Because when you know the truth about who you are, you're not really going to think much about other people at all. Alrighty, and in case nobody else tells you this, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you, and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to take what you just listened to and watched today, and use it to change how you talk to yourself, and to change where you pour your time and energy, and to take your power back. And when you do that, there is no doubt in my mind that your life's going to get better. And I will be waiting for you in the very next episode as soon as you hit play.

• 49:55Mel Robbins?

  Alright, great. Thanks, guys. Here we go. Okay, hold on a second. Sorry, let me hit that again. Don't be... Oh, my God, damn it. Sorry. I am on a roll. I am on a... Look, I am just starting. Look, I'm just getting going. Oh, my God, damn it. Okay, I can't put a word together. Okay, so here's what I'm gonna say. I got it. You ready? Okay, that was perfect. Wow, that's incredible.

• 50:24Mel Robbins?

  Our garage band. Good. I think we got it, don't you? That's a wrap. Oh, my God. Woo, that was a monster. Thank you, guys. Great job, everybody.

• 50:40Mel Robbins?

  Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.

• 51:15Speaker 04

  Stitcher.