#626 - Baby Me

Theo returns with a solo episode to talk about conspiracy Thanksgivings, freebasing garlic bread, and what he’s grateful for as the year winds down. He also responds to some of your voicemails and gets a major life update from Riley Mau. ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ Ethos: Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at https://ethos.com/THEO. Application times may vary. Rates may vary. Wonderballs: For Black Friday, Wonderballs is offering 40% off at http://Wonderballsusa.com when you use code THEO, but only for a limited time. Manscaped: Go to http://manscaped.com/theo for 15% off. Sebastian Maniscalco “It Ain’t Right” streaming now on Hulu. Perplexity AI: Ask anything at https://pplx.ai/theo and download their new web browser Comet at https://comet.perplexity.ai/ ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn Bishop Gunn - Shine ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [email protected] Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Trevyn https://www.instagram.com/trevyn.s/ Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Andrew https://www.instagram.com/bleachmediaofficial/ \ Producer: Riley https://www.instagram.com/therileymau/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

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• 0:29Theo Von?

  I want to say that we have new collegiate gang gang hoodies that have just dropped to new colorways. Plus stuff from the Return of the Rat Tour. If you missed merchandise out there on that tour, I think we still have some remaining that's available there. All of that at theovonstore.com. And thank you guys for all of the support. Love y'all. All right.

• 0:58Theo Von?

  Here we are. Here we are, Thanksgiving. It's Thanksgiving time, it's seasonal. I want to wish a happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I know there are some people out there that are not probably ecstatic about it. And I'm going to say who it is really fast, so it's not... You know, I don't want there to be like the, um... The elephant in the room or whatever. But, Native Americans. So, I know that everything that happened with those... With the beautiful indigenous... Indigenous, indigenous people.

• 1:42Theo Von?

  The original people of this land. And I know that, you know, that the things that happened to them were not fair. And that's that, but... And not that, that's not that, that's not that. But yeah, anyway, I don't know why I brought it up. I just... I feel weird if you're saying happy Thanksgiving and then somebody is indigenous and they're like, "Well..." So I just wanted to honor those people. And say, "Look..."

• 2:15Theo Von?

  You know, our bad or whatever, I didn't do it. Somebody did it and um, and I hope we catch them. I'll tell you this, if we ever get a time machine to go back in time

• 2:27Theo Von?

  and catch the people that are coming here.

• 2:31Theo Von?

  I will enlist, I will go, I will be happy to go. But yeah, we just have to, we have to live where we are. And the country is, you know, all of existence is kind of stacked on sin.

• 2:46Theo Von?

  Excuse me, yeah, the history of time is just stacked on sin, right? Things get stacked on sin over time and that's, and you know, in mistakes and accidents and um,

• 2:58Theo Von?

  let's eat. That's where we're at. So anyway, it's the time of year to finally sit down with people. And eat and get you a little something.

• 3:09Theo Von?

  I like to stare somebody right in the eyes and say, pass that bit cut. Pass that sweat potato safflower. I want that. Pass that fucking garlic bread. God, don't you want some garlic bread right now?

• 3:30Theo Von?

  This, uh, this, this goes out to just anybody right now, anybody, anywhere. I don't care if you are incarcerated. I don't care if you're working a double. I don't care if you're in a coma, but somebody puts some headphones on you. Don't you want some garlic bread?

• 3:51Theo Von?

  God, I want that.

• 3:54Theo Von?

  I love, dude, I love garlic bread. And even if people make it like bad, I like bad garlic bread. Sometimes you go to a restaurant and they have the fasacia or whatever. I don't give a fuck about the fasacia. I want garlic ass bread. I don't care if somebody, I don't care if it's some bitch. And uh, she just has a, like she has a. You know, even if she just has a spoon and she puts a little, just like some trap house cook, she just has a spoon with a little bit of bread in it, puts a little butter on it, little garlic, and then just cooks it with a lighter under the spoon like that.

• 4:35Theo Von?

  I don't care if she, you know, and then she puts that shit in a crack pipe and we smoke it, dude. All I'm saying is, bro, garlic bread is so good, underrated. It's the bacon of breads. I'll go ahead and say that. Shit is fire. But I do want to say happy Thanksgiving to everybody. I want to say thank you to everybody that bid in the charity jersey auction. We had a series of jerseys that were given to us in certain cities along the last comedy tour, and we got to auction all those off. And we raised about $40,000 for a local rehabilitation

• 5:17Theo Von?

  place called Cumberland Heights, and that's going to go towards helping people get recovery, helping subsidize the recovery costs for people. So, thank you so much. If you even listen to this podcast, or if you have, and you're like, I feel like I haven't done anything this year, I haven't, you were a part of this. So, that's on behalf of us that we make that donation. And then we all made a donation last week to the Gary Sinise Foundation. So, that was really great. So, if, yeah, I just want everybody out there to feel like we're doing that sort of thing together. And, yeah, that's how I feel about it. So, thank you. You know, what a blessing to know that people are going to be able to get some help.

• 6:03Theo Von?

  What have I been thinking about?

• 6:07Theo Von?

  You know, it's, you know, it's

• 6:12Theo Von?

  There's a, you know, it's just, it's a wild time in the, in the, in the world. And it's, it feels like it's happened fast, you know? Just a wild time.

• 6:22Theo Von?

  And it's like, who are we and where are we going? What does this future look like?

• 6:28Theo Von?

  And I think it's times like this, I'm realizing you kind of have to just lock back into like, things are most important, you know?

• 6:36Theo Von?

  Cause if you get caught up in a lot of the info, it gets, gets kind of, you know? You're sitting there at Thanksgiving, you're staring across the table at somebody. And they're just like, do you want the baked beans? And you're like,

• 6:52Theo Von?

  I think I know who killed Charlie Kirk. There was a second shooter. There was 12 Israeli self-owns. Just, you know, it can get deep. You gotta be careful there. Somebody's like, do you want the baked beans?

• 7:04Theo Von?

  And you're like, not if you think we fucking landed on the moon, I don't.

• 7:10Theo Von?

  I'm like, okay, all right. Get your own sides then.

• 7:16Theo Von?

  Yeah, there's just, it's just a lot, there's some, there's a lot of conspiracies out there. And, and they're not even conspiracies, a lot of them anymore. They're all coming true. And so, you know, as we go, it is this wild time where we're kind of going through this. It feels like this awakening where, you know, I mentioned it on Joe Rogan's show where it was like, you know, the video game and like, there's the, the, you know, there's like, uh, Mario or, um, Link or, um, and suddenly like you're, you're playing with the character, you're controlling them. But suddenly the character just comes over to the front of the screen and just looks right at you.

• 7:58Theo Von?

  And it's like, hey, who's controlling me?

• 8:02Theo Von?

  And that's when the controllers are like, bullshit.

• 8:08Theo Von?

  So that's just, I feel like we're just in an interesting space there. And I think instead of like, I think you, there can be fear about it, but there also can be excitement about it. But no matter which, which like, which cup you're putting your straw in at the moment, fear, excitement. I do believe that, uh, there is the fact that around the holidays, or around any time, that, that the one thing you have to lock into even more is, um, things that are real, things that are tangible in your world, your family, your, your friends, familiarity. You know, connecting with people.

• 8:49Theo Von?

  And I wrote me a little list. We have some great calls that came in from people. I wrote me a little list here, uh, of things that I enjoy about life, some little things that I enjoy. And if you want to call in, we'll, we'll, uh, we'll put some of these up next year, just, and they can just be brief things. And you can even text them as well.

• 9:14Theo Von?

  Uh, you can go to the website, theovon.com, and there's a ways on there where you can contact the podcast. But some things that I like about life, small things. Accidentally touching someone's leg that you don't know very well.

• 9:30Theo Von?

  Now, it's weird. It's all, you know, it's kind of weird how it ha- you know, you might be sitting somewhere at a movie theater. You drop something, you drop, um, a lip balm, or you drop a, um, you know, a couple grams or whatever, whatever. I don't know how you, you know, I don't know. I don't, but what I don't know what you do, but whatever, you drop some, uh, um, you know, a couple Funyuns or whatever. And you're like, oh, I'm getting those bitches. But it's dark in the theater. So you reach down there to get them and bam, you touch somebody's leg. You didn't really see it. And it's weird because you don't know them. They don't know, you all don't know each other. But you've touched their leg and that's weird and shit.

• 10:12Theo Von?

  Uh, but there's something unique about it. There's something very human about it. Um, what else? Petting a cat.

• 10:21Theo Von?

  If you're petting a cat and it strikes at you like that, and you call it a little bitch, I like that.

• 10:29Theo Von?

  If you were ever, somebody's like, oh, this is my cat, this is Cheryl or whatever, or this is Aunt Cheryl. I had a friend, his cat was named Aunt Cheryl. And I'm like, okay, so not gonna be friends with this guy too long, but,

• 10:43Theo Von?

  but he'd be like, oh, don't you wanna pet Aunt Cheryl? And, uh, and at first I was like, no, I do not want, I do not want to, but he's like, he kept kind of giving me the, like, he kept like giving me like the, um,

• 10:59Theo Von?

  I guess the warm shoulder, he kept like wanting me to do it. You know, if like, I guess that's called warm shouldering. What is cold shouldering?

• 11:08Theo Von?

  Cold. Oh, yeah, intentionally cold or unsympathetic treatment. So, yeah, this is, this guy was giving me more like, he's kind of warm shouldering me and be like, oh, you know, don't you wanna pet Aunt Cheryl? And, uh, and I didn't wanna pet, I didn't want to pet Aunt Cheryl. And then finally I was like, alright, I'll pet Aunt Cheryl. And I go to pet this cat, I pet one time, and I don't pet, I don't pet more than two times usually. Cause if you do, if you keep doing that, you know what I'm saying, somebody's gonna fucking get active, you know, somebody's gonna get activated in their body. So I pet one, and I go for the second pet, and the fucking cat, Aunt Cheryl, strikes me.

• 11:53Theo Von?

  Like that. And I'm like, this little bitch. And, uh, anyway, I don't like it when that happens, but I also do respect it. It's a unique thing about life. And so I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for the times that I get to pet a cat and it strikes at me, and I call it a little bitch. That's something I like. Oh, showing up for a loved one, that's number three. That's one thing I really, really, uh, enjoy.

• 12:22Theo Von?

  Showing up for a loved one. That's important.

• 12:28Theo Von?

  Making loud noises around your grandmother because she is hard of hearing. And you can do that. You can, you know, it's very rare you can be around someone and rattle off a loud slur, right? And it can be a racial slur, it can be non racial if you want. I mean, we know which ones are more fun. But that can be exciting if the person can't hear, but you're right there with them. Cause it's very rare you can do that. But that's something I'm grateful for.

• 13:00Theo Von?

  Burying something somewhere that no one will ever know about.

• 13:05Theo Von?

  And some people are like, what do you mean? What are you talking about? But go do it. Get you a shovel, get you a trowel, which is just a little baby shovel.

• 13:15Theo Von?

  And they should just call it baby shovel. You know?

• 13:21Theo Von?

  And get something. Get a little something. Get you, get an earrings, get a set of earrings, get a.

• 13:30Theo Von?

  Get a, a little sack of.

• 13:35Theo Von?

  Underpants or whatever, whatever, get something, get a, uh, yeah, get a bag of hair, get us, you know, a pair of earrings. Get, um, you know, get a thing of, get a little, uh.

• 13:48Theo Von?

  Just get something. You know what things are, get something, right? Get something and then go just bury it somewhere. Bury it somewhere, don't tell anybody.

• 13:58Theo Von?

  Always fun. Uh, calling the cops on someone. There's nothing more fun than that. People kind of poo poo it or whatever. I love it. I used to live next door. I used to live under a guy over here on Claiborne Avenue in New Orleans, bruh. And his family, they were, uh. Baltic, I don't know if they're Baltic or Russian or Euro, they was like, you know, they was, I don't know. You could hear some of the women kinda, it felt like there was some abuse up there sometimes. And they would, and they were heavyset. They had them big fatty calves, you know what I'm saying? Big fucking knees. I mean, God. Like this dude had a spray WD-40 on his knees or whatever to get them bitches to go, you know? He was, he just had them, God, baby, them leg knuckles, homie.

• 14:45Theo Von?

  This motherfucker was all, all knees. He had knees in his damn arms. He was just big bone like that. Anyway, I would call the police a lot. I'd be like, hey, they have a gun upstairs. That's what I would say. Did they have it? I don't know, but the police get there quick. If you say, oh, there's some guy with big knees upstairs, who's causing a lot of shit, maybe abusing people, they don't come, dude. But you say that, you know, big dog up there, some fucking European construction worker up there's got that pew pew on him. Bam, 11 minutes they're over. And then I take off my shirt when I talk to the cops in the yard. That's where I'm from.

• 15:26Theo Von?

  And I think that's how you learn a lot about people. How do you talk to the cops in your front yard? Shirt on? Shirt off? I go shirt off. Um, but those are little things about life that are kind of exciting. Riley Mau.

• 15:46Speaker 02

  Yes, sir.

• 15:47Theo Von?

  What is something that you are kind of grateful for this year? A little thing in the world that, like, is there a moment or something in the world that makes you feel some gratitude?

• 15:56Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, I mean, you know, I just, uh, there's, there's a new, new thing coming at the end of this year.

• 16:07Theo Von?

  There's a new thing coming up?

• 16:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, that I'm grateful for.

• 16:11Theo Von?

  That you're grateful for? And it's not here yet, you're saying?

• 16:15Speaker 02

  Not yet.

• 16:16Theo Von?

  And good to hear your voice, brother. Have you been taking, uh, voice lessons or something? You just sound more comfortable in your skin.

• 16:23Speaker 02

  No, just talking more.

• 16:25Theo Von?

  Okay. Um, and what is, uh, what is, uh, you're saying there's something else, there's something on the way that's coming. What is it? Or can you share it?

• 16:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. I've got a, uh, got a little baby coming along the way.

• 16:45Theo Von?

  God dang. You have a hu- you have a baby coming?

• 16:51Speaker 02

  I do.

• 16:52Theo Von?

  Oh my gosh. Bro. Unreal dude, congratulations, man.

• 17:01Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 17:01Theo Von?

  Oh my gosh, bro. Dude, I remember when you hadn't even, um, come out of your own nuts or whatever. Remember that?

• 17:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:12Theo Von?

  Wow. And now you're like, I'll show them.

• 17:17Theo Von?

  Wow dude. I'm gonna make this skeet. Grow up. That's a, that's crazy dude. Um, does everybody know about this?

• 17:28Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah, we made a post about it.

• 17:30Theo Von?

  Man. I'm sorry dude. I've really, I mean, it's selfish, I've been caught up in my own universe, I think, um. But man, I want to hear more about this. And is this with a woman that you are, um, still, uh, involved with?

• 17:44Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 17:44Theo Von?

  Oh wow.

• 17:47Theo Von?

  So cool, man. Um, well, okay, well, I want to get back to you on that. I'm gonna finish out this list. Are there, is there anything that you can think of outside of this future baby coming? And is it a male or female? Do you know? Have y'all looked at it?

• 18:02Speaker 02

  It's a male.

• 18:06Theo Von?

  Amen, brother. God. God has got you, man.

• 18:13Theo Von?

  I want to, we can even pray about it right now. You care if we pray about it for a second?

• 18:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, let's do it.

• 18:16Theo Von?

  Let's do it, man.

• 18:20Theo Von?

  God, we just want to thank you today, um, you know, in times where we're uncertain about things and where we, it feels like it's tough to get a foothold. That sometimes our sense of purpose wanes, uh, based on our society, that, uh, that you can remind us that there are important things in the world. Um. God, we want to thank you so much for giving Riley, um, a chance to be a father. You know, when I met Riley, he was barely, he hadn't even had any.

• 18:56Theo Von?

  Oh. See, I'm gonna say it fast so it's not, because we are in a prayer. He hadn't even had any semen come out of his body. And here he is, just serving blast sauce and just having it grow up into something beautiful. And we want to lift this child up to you, God, before it's even here. Uh, and what's the name of the child, Riley?

• 19:18Speaker 02

  Uh, we haven't announced it yet.

• 19:21Theo Von?

  Okay. God, we want to lift up this unannounced child to you that at this point is still just a batch of semen and egg. Um, that, uh, that you may, that you are helping cultivate and moisturize. Um, and so we just want to lift that up to you, God, and say, thank you for reminding us what is purposeful and that we can find purpose in family. Rod, uh, amen.

• 19:49Speaker 02

  Amen.

• 19:49Theo Von?

  Do you feel like this has given you a sense of purpose, Riley?

• 19:52Speaker 02

  I do.

• 19:53Theo Von?

  Wow. I'm so excited for you, man. And I'm also just like, I mean,

• 20:00Theo Von?

  that's just, that's what's important.

• 20:03Theo Von?

  That's what's important, man. I'm gonna rattle off a few other things. If you can think of something small, Riley, we're gonna get back to you and talk about this in a few seconds, uh, because I want to, um, we have questions that we're gonna get to from the hotline. Uh, some other things that people enjoy doing. Um, oh, on my list was getting engaged. That was one. That's a fun, beautiful thing. Where when you see that moment of somebody getting engaged, it really means something. Um, did that happen as well for you, Riley?

• 20:34Speaker 02

  Not yet.

• 20:34Theo Von?

  Okay. So you're having a child out of wedlock currently?

• 20:38Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 20:38Theo Von?

  Okay. So we are stacking sand, brother. That's okay. But hey, you're trying, right? You're figuring it out. Here's something, painting something and then realizing you can't paint for shit. That, uh, that happens to me a lot.

• 20:54Theo Von?

  You know, I'll sit down with a kid or a niece or nephew or something. I'll want to draw something and I'll be like, let's draw. I'll be like, okay, let's draw. And um, and we'll start drawing. I'm like, ah, fuck, I still can't draw. I can't draw for shit. I never could. I can't paint for shit. But and that's a weird moment, but it's still a moment that I appreciate about life. There's something oddly kind of nice about it. Because it's very real. Um, so those are some things that I, uh, some feelings that I've enjoyed in and over the years, and those are little things that I like to lock back in on that make me feel alive and purposeful.

• 21:34Theo Von?

  And uh, and you have a lot of those, I'm sure, you know? You have a lot of those. You want to name one, Riley? Anything else that comes to your mind?

• 21:46Speaker 02

  Um,

• 21:50Speaker 02

  not that I can think of.

• 21:53Theo Von?

  Yep, I knew. I knew that.

• 21:58Theo Von?

  Look, I've been jocking some new unders, baby. I've been, I, I, I found a pair. They just, they, they really engulf my body. And they cover my packages, my front package and my rear package, my butt. Talking about Wonder Balls, baby. A men's underwear brand engineered for performance, built for all day comfort, and crafted with men's health in mind. Whether it's a hard workout, a long shift at work, or a laid back weekend, Wonder Balls moves with you and keeps you comfortable all day. One of my favorite features that I noticed about Wonder Balls is that they just got you. Some of these underwear, you put them on and you, you feel like somebody might be able to steal your ride out of them. Like, hey,

• 22:43Theo Von?

  they have a unique blend. That's right, made with ultra soft Peruvian Pima cotton and Australian modal. With four styles and a toxin-free ultra soft design, your boys will thank you. Go to wonderballsusa.com and use code Theo for 25% off your first purchase. Shipping is always free. That's code T H E O at wonderballsusa.com for 25% off. Isn't it time you feel wonderful where it counts? In your balls. You know, earlier this year, I had a friend that passed away and um, And there was fundraising for him, you know, to help, just to help have finances to

• 23:26Theo Von?

  take care of his family moving forward, to help with some things. And fortunately, he also had a life insurance policy, you know, because you want to be able to make sure that just tuition, childcare costs, mortgage, if you have one, things like that, that your family will be able to go on with some comfort. And that's where Ethos comes in. Ethos is an online platform that makes getting life insurance fast and easy to protect your family's future in minutes, not months. There's no complicated process. It's 100% online. No medical exam required. You just answer a few health questions, get a quote in as little as 10 minutes, and you can get up to $3 million in coverage. As of March

• 24:11Theo Von?

  2025, Business Insider named Ethos the number one no-medical-exam, instant-life-insurance provider. Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get your free quote at ethos.com/theo. That's E-T-H-O-S dot com slash T-H-E-O. Application times may vary. Rates may vary. Yeah, oh, before we move on, tomorrow, we're putting out a special episode with Mike Rowe, and it's all about focusing on companies that make products in America. And some of them are very small, and some of them are a little bit bigger and have more history.

• 24:53Theo Von?

  But we wanted to, you know, a lot of stuff isn't made here anymore. And we all get kind of stuck where we have to buy things from these big conglomerates. And that's okay. Maybe that's how it will always be. But we were thinking, well, if we could buy stuff from our fellow Americans, then we can support them, right? So, yeah, it was just kind of this pipe dream where, yeah, I'd rather buy something from you.

• 25:19Theo Von?

  Because then I get what I want and you get my money. And so then if we do that, then we just need each other. So we started looking at some companies. There were more we could have done, but we tried to do the best we could. It was kind of like last minute putting it together. But that episode will come out this week. And if you want to watch through and support some of those, cool. And if not, that's okay too. But thank you to all the companies that submitted those American originals products. And we even made a page. It's theovon.com slash American originals. And you'll be able to go there and just see what all of them are.

• 26:01Theo Von?

  So yeah, just really happy that we got to do something like that. Oh, my friend Sebastian Maniscalco has a new special coming out on Hulu. And somebody sent a clip of that. So we can take a look at that right here. Let's give it a watch.

• 26:22Speaker 03

  Is anybody getting up in the morning refreshed? Is anybody getting out of bed going, wow, I had a great sleep? I get up, I feel worse than when I went to bed. I'm like, did I sleep last night? What the hell happened?

• 26:46Speaker 03

  I'm waking up my wife with the sounds coming out of my body. Three o'clock in the morning. She's like, are you eating potato chips? That's my knees extending onto the floor for my ninth piss. Go back to bed, babe. I didn't bring a can of Pringles into the bed. And speaking of going to the bathroom, I took my son to the bathroom at a restaurant, and I was watching him go. I was jealous at the strength of his stream. He was chipping porcelain off the back of the bowl.

• 27:25Theo Von?

  Oh yeah, and I have, I, yeah, I'll, I will say that. If I'm in a public place, I will wait to go urinate before I go. I will let it build up. I will do, you know, I will save up. I will go, I will let it build until I'm really big bagging, and then I'll go in there. Cause I want, and I'll pee straight into the water as fast as I can. Um, so that people are like, dang, this guy's really, he got that PSI on him, you know? You feel me? Player, let's hear more here from Sebastian.

• 27:58Speaker 03

  I get up in the middle of the night, and when I go to the bathroom, it's two streams. I'm, I need two toilets now. I'm pissin' missed.

• 28:13Theo Von?

  I'm pissin' missed. Yeah, uh, this guy, right? That's a Sebastian, like, this guy, this guy, you know? Like Sebastian, like, like if he saw a ghost or something, he'd be like reporting it to the police, and he'd be like, "Yeah, officer, you know, this guy, he, he's not a guy. You can't see him, you know? He's a, the guy's a fucking ghost, you know? And the ghost, you know, he wearing like, you know? And I'm like looking at like, he doesn't

• 28:53Theo Von?

  even have any footprints, uh, nigga." That would be good, yeah. He's reporting a go, like, "Yeah, officer, uh, uh."

• 29:07Theo Von?

  The guy, the guy, he's a, you know, he's not, he's a guy, but he's not a guy. You feel me? He's a guy. A guy. You know what I'm saying? He used to be a guy. I don't know. He's a guy.

• 29:28Theo Von?

  And the officer's like, excuse me, what are you trying? He, he's like, I'm telling you. The guy used to be a guy. Ah, yeah, I don't know. That's about Manascago reporting a ghost. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. Who does? Um, but yeah. There you go. Watch Sebastian Maniscalco. It ain't right. That's what it's called now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus for bundle subscribers. Um, yeah, I'm going to support my guy there. Uh, so blessings to you, Sebastian, always being supportive. Uh, being brave, going out and doing some movies, different things that he wants to do over the years. Uh, I admire that guy.

• 30:12Theo Von?

  I admire that guy. I gotta work on that. That is one of the best of there's so many people that do so many great, uh, Sebastian impersonations. And just like you see like couples in his audience and stuff like that. And there's something pretty magical about, uh, his crowd and his fan base. We got some calls that came in the holidays. Uh, here's one that came in right here. Let's hit it.

• 30:36Speaker 04

  Hey Theo, uh, this is Bailey and I'm 23. Um.

• 30:41Theo Von?

  What's up Bailey? And, um, thank you for being, uh, alive and calling in onward.

• 30:47Speaker 04

  And I was just calling to just tell people that like shit does get better. Um, this time last year on Thanksgiving, I was in a psych ward, you know, I got the, I got the BPD. Uh, and it's like tough to come to terms with and just.

• 31:04Theo Von?

  Wait, you got the what? Let me hear it again.

• 31:06Speaker 04

  In a psych ward, you know, I got the, I got the BPD. Uh.

• 31:10Theo Von?

  What is BPD Riley? You familiar with that?

• 31:14Speaker 02

  I am not.

• 31:16Theo Von?

  Okay. You think you could create some familiarity with it?

• 31:23Theo Von?

  Pretty quickly somehow over there?

• 31:27Speaker 02

  BPD is borderline personality disorder.

• 31:30Theo Von?

  Okay, there we go. I didn't know it and thank you, sir. Onward.

• 31:35Speaker 04

  And it's like tough to come to terms with and just dealing with depression, but I don't know, man. Uh, you don't notice it like right away, but suddenly like it kind of lifts and I'm almost a year later and turning 24 and I don't know, man, like it feels cool to live and I've just really enjoyed listening to your podcast and you're just such a light man and I really appreciate ya. And you just say some of the craziest shit and it always makes my day. Well, thank you, Theo. Everybody, shit gets better, even if you can't see it right now. I think there's

• 32:14Speaker 04

  a purpose in life and it will work out just the way it needs to, even if you can't see it right now. So let me just like tell you all that. Bye.

• 32:25Theo Von?

  Hey, man. Wow, that's very profound. I could hear a lot of the joy in your voice, too. Yeah, it's like almost like, well, thank you right there, even just that statement, like it worked, you know, like even if I just let your words be my glasses for a minute, you know, out of my own eyes, I can't see that that's going to be different. But if I can take your words of experience right there and put them on my face for a second, I could, I could see, oh, there's so much possibility. There's, there is a different, there is something different, you know? So that's kind of like, um, yeah, that's I guess what people's words and encouragement can do for you and sharing your testimony on

• 33:07Theo Von?

  something. But I'm so happy for you. Uh, I'm so happy for you, Bailey, that you hung in there. I love this part. This part really made me feel something right in here. Let me play it again.

• 33:21Speaker 04

  Tough to come to terms with and just dealing with depression, but I don't know, man. Uh, you don't notice it like right away, but suddenly like it kind of lifts and I'm almost a year later and turning 24 and I don't know, man, like it feels cool to live and I

• 33:39Theo Von?

  There you go. That's cool. Yeah. Oh, that's another great feeling, huh? When it feels cool to live, dude. When you see two people with big bellies that are hugging each other kind of, or like kind of, God, I love that. When you see them fucking first those bellies touch and then they touch each other with their arms. Fuck, I love that. We had some neighbors at our first apartment complex and they were bellied up. I mean, these bitches had some fucking fronts on them, you know? And we, people in our area were poor. And so if you saw somebody had a little bit extra body on them, you almost were, you were kind of fucking jealous because you knew they'd been eating and they'd been, you know, snacking or whatever and doing ice creams at night.

• 34:19Theo Von?

  And it was like, no judgment, you know? I would look damn emaciated as a child. And so, uh, but God, you'd see some of them thickers and you'd be like, damn, boy. These thickers out here, they really, they showing off, you know? Because if everybody's hungry and you walking around and you stouten about and you got a little sack of, uh, you know, cheese nuggets or whatever in your pocket and shit at all time, baby, then people gonna question things, you know? And the one dude, he would always keep a little, uh, thing of bacon bits on him and he'd fucking sprinkle them bitches in his hand and put a couple in his mouth. Because

• 35:01Theo Von?

  he liked having that hit of meat on his tongue. Um, anyway, but yeah, them bacon bits. You ever, you ever, you, you, you ever have any bacon bits, Riley Mau?

• 35:11Speaker 02

  I have.

• 35:13Theo Von?

  What you think of them, baby?

• 35:15Speaker 02

  Think they're pretty good.

• 35:17Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's what I'm talking about, big dog.

• 35:21Theo Von?

  Uh, what was I talking about? I don't know. What were we just talking about, Riley? Do you remember?

• 35:27Speaker 02

  I do not.

• 35:30Theo Von?

  Unreal, man. Good to see you again, as always, dude. Uh, I had just, I just played this frickin', and I said, we're having a great time. And then, uh...

• 35:43Theo Von?

  Shit, I don't know. But thank you Bailey for that calling in and just reminding us that things get better and that that we are here for a purpose. That's what I like. Putting that on my shoulders. Well then, if this is what the world is, right? Then what is my purpose in it? Cause it's still a video game and I'm still the hero, right? That's how we have to look at it. Right? Not in an egotistical way, but it's like that I'm the first player. That's what I mean. You're player one. We're all player one for our own lives. And so what is our purpose, you know? What is my purpose? You know? And it's kind of nice if you think we live in a world of good versus evil, you know? And not that we all, you know, that

• 36:25Theo Von?

  we all don't have pieces of both in us, but that if you're fighting, that you can fight for one side. And what does that fight for me look like? That's kind of exciting. It gives your life a little bit of gravity. Riley Mau, let's go to you, man. Dude, I want to say thank you so much, man.

• 36:47Theo Von?

  Riley?

• 36:48Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 36:49Theo Von?

  Can you hear me?

• 36:49Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 36:50Theo Von?

  Okay. Well, didn't seem like you could, but uh, what? So take me through this, man, because I remember, how long ago was it that you and I met? And you would never even felt that that sauce climb right out of you, that little fucking baby rocket you got? Out of that little gerbil arm you got?

• 37:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, we uh, I think we met back in what, 2020?

• 37:16Theo Von?

  Nah-uh. I wouldn't hear.

• 37:21Speaker 02

  I thought you were.

• 37:23Theo Von?

  Well, we've seen you think a lot of things over the years, big dog, that did not pan out. But no, look, well, look, whatever year it was, man, when we connected, you remember you were at a space sexually, you were not even sexually active.

• 37:37Speaker 02

  Right.

• 37:39Theo Von?

  And then that changed. And how did you get to the point of fatherhood, man? Cause you got there really fast, it seems like. Do you feel like that? Just tell me something.

• 37:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, um, I, uh, I was on tour when, you know, when.

• 37:55Theo Von?

  On tour with, you were, you were working as a, uh, doing audio visual on tour?

• 38:02Speaker 02

  Correct.

• 38:02Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 38:03Speaker 02

  And then, uh, that's when she found out. So she didn't tell me until I came back.

• 38:09Theo Von?

  Okay. And, um, did she do a special ceremony to let you know?

• 38:15Speaker 02

  No.

• 38:16Theo Von?

  Did she put it in a card or anything? Did she write it like, you know, a lot of times women will, uh, you know, if they're pissed, they'll fucking write it on the front of your house with spray paint. Like it's yours, mother, you know? Um, but if they're not, sometimes they'll put like a little picture of a baby or something, or draw a picture of a baby with a crayon or something and put that, you know, hide it under your dinner napkin or dinner dish.

• 38:41Speaker 02

  Nope.

• 38:42Theo Von?

  Okay, nothing, huh?

• 38:45Speaker 02

  Nothing.

• 38:45Theo Von?

  Did she look you in the eyes? Was she vacuuming and she just stopped it for a second and said, hey, we're, we're, you know, we're having one and then start, like, did she, was there any extracurriculars involved with it?

• 38:58Speaker 02

  Uh, no, we were just sitting down.

• 39:01Theo Von?

  Wow. And how do you feel, man?

• 39:07Speaker 02

  Uh, now I feel pretty good.

• 39:09Theo Von?

  Okay. At the fir-, at the beginning, were you scared?

• 39:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:13Theo Von?

  What were some of your original fears, man? And thank you for sharing this with us, cause I think a lot of people had, go through this. I mean, we've, we talked to a guy a couple of months ago and he was saying that, you know, he was having a child and he was very scared. Um, but yeah, tell me about that Riley baby.

• 39:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, at first I was, I was terrified. I, uh.

• 39:34Theo Von?

  What did you do? Did you stand up? Did you fucking shake your hands like this? Did you make a sound? Like, do you, can you take me through a little bit of it?

• 39:40Speaker 02

  No, we were both just sitting down and I was looking at her and I was like, oh, like, you're not kidding. And she was like, no, not kidding. I'm like, you sure? She was like, yeah, I'm, I'm pretty sure. I'm like, oh, okay.

• 39:57Theo Von?

  And did you guys make love again that night? Or is that?

• 40:01Speaker 02

  Not that night.

• 40:02Theo Von?

  Okay. But soon after, you think?

• 40:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:05Theo Von?

  Wow, Riley. Returning to the scene of the crime, bro. Dang dude. Riley stopping back by to peep the skeet work, homie. Damn. That's crazy work, bro. That's unhinged, dog. Um, do you guys remember the night of conception? Was that a big night? I know that, you know, whenever we'd spoken last, I think you'd probably had sex, I think, almost six times. And is, did that, was this a special evening at all? When you guys look back on it, had you guys been out to hear any music? Had you heard some, you know, had you been to the Youngboy show? Had you been to listen to some Ella Langley?

• 40:46Theo Von?

  Had you, um, you know, uh, I know that, um, Dermot Kennedy had also played recently. Was there anybody, uh, that you guys had listened to?

• 40:57Speaker 02

  Um, no, it wasn't like that. I will say it was on April 1st.

• 41:03Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 41:07Theo Von?

  So Riley popping in, huh?

• 41:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:11Theo Von?

  With that Chinese chop work on fucking April Fool's Day.

• 41:18Theo Von?

  Do you think that is a risky day to ejaculate into somebody?

• 41:24Speaker 02

  Now I do.

• 41:26Theo Von?

  Big facts, homie.

• 41:29Theo Von?

  Big facts. Riley fricking ejacin' damn, homie. God. I remember when you were just a little fucking magic lamp, bro, just waiting to bust. I was afraid to even accidentally bump into you. Figured just semen would just fly out of your eyes. Cause you were so full and you'd never even ejacled or whatever. God, baby, praise God.

• 41:53Theo Von?

  And now, and have you seen photos of you? Sure you guys are having a child?

• 41:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:58Theo Von?

  And is there a shortlist of names even? A few names?

• 42:01Speaker 02

  Uh, I think we finally narrowed it down.

• 42:05Theo Von?

  Can you give us one letter that's in the name?

• 42:09Speaker 02

  M.

• 42:10Theo Von?

  Ooh.

• 42:14Theo Von?

  Can I have one guess, even if you don't tell me if it's right?

• 42:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:21Theo Von?

  Mark.

• 42:24Speaker 02

  Good guess.

• 42:26Theo Von?

  But you're not telling me if it's right, huh?

• 42:28Speaker 02

  Nope.

• 42:29Theo Von?

  Yeah. And you can, is there, yeah, I don't know if you can, Mark is kind of, it's a great name. My friend, I have a friend named Mark, he's doing pretty good, I think. Um, well, I want you to think of a couple of things, like, I want, I'm gonna come back to this, Riley, we're gonna jump into another call right here, okay? Here's one, right here, a call that came in.

• 42:47Speaker 05

  Hi, Theo, it's Anna.

• 42:50Theo Von?

  Hey, Anna, thank you for calling. Um, and blessings to you this time of year, my love, onward.

• 42:57Speaker 05

  I'm just calling because, you know, the holidays are coming up, Thanksgiving, Christmas, for all who celebrate. And, uh, anyways, I hate my family.

• 43:11Theo Von?

  Okay, yeah, yeah, that is, uh, that is a, that's a thing.

• 43:21Theo Von?

  That's a thing.

• 43:23Speaker 05

  I hate saying it out loud, but I hate them, they're so mean to me.

• 43:30Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 43:31Speaker 05

  And I have no one to celebrate with, and I'm just sad, man.

• 43:36Speaker 05

  I'm just so sad about it. And I don't know if you've ever had problems with your family, but it just sucks. So anyways, I figured I'd just send this voicemail because, I don't know, I just wanted to. Bye, Theo.

• 43:56Theo Von?

  Bye, Ann, was it Ann or Anna, I'm sorry, do you remember Riley?

• 44:05Speaker 05

  Hi, Theo, it's Anna.

• 44:09Theo Von?

  Um, well, Anna, thanks for calling in and just letting us know, sometimes it is, you have to say something, you know? Sometimes you have to say something.

• 44:18Theo Von?

  Sometimes you have to say stuff. I hate my family. I don't give a shit, I think somebody's a wizard, fuck you.

• 44:29Theo Von?

  Piece of shit. Those are five things I'd have said that were inside of me, sometimes if you do that, you rattle off five things, you just make it every other second, you put a finger up and you have to say them no matter what. You know? Start that one, Riley started with, I hate my family, and do four others right after, see what comes out of you.

• 44:49Speaker 02

  Uh.

• 44:53Speaker 02

  Uh.

• 44:56Theo Von?

  Just try it. There's no right or wrong.

• 45:00Speaker 02

  I love my girlfriend.

• 45:02Theo Von?

  We have to start with, I hate my family. We're not saying we hate our families. We're just saying we're, we're, we're supporting Ann.

• 45:08Speaker 02

  Alright. I hate my family.

• 45:11Speaker 02

  I love my girlfriend.

• 45:14Speaker 02

  This podcast is great.

• 45:18Theo Von?

  Come on, you're thinking too hard. Let it out.

• 45:20Speaker 02

  Uh.

• 45:22Theo Von?

  Fuck! Let it out, motherfucker.

• 45:26Speaker 02

  Uh.

• 45:27Theo Von?

  Say it!

• 45:29Speaker 02

  Uh. Uh.

• 45:33Theo Von?

  Whatever. It's all good, man. You do your best. Was that the best you could do?

• 45:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:38Theo Von?

  Okay. That's alright, man. I think you're still in your head about it, but sometimes just letting those feelings out. And yeah, I could definitely relate. Look, I'll tell you some things though, and I will say this. There's times where I didn't like my family, but the truth was, I'm the problem.

• 45:53Theo Von?

  You know? Now, if they're so mean to you, that's one thing. But I, I had times in, in my life where I'm the problem. Oh, I don't want to go to that. Why? Cause I don't want to be uncomfortable. Well.

• 46:06Theo Von?

  If I already know, you know, now if it's true that I'm all, it's like they're, they're mean to me and they are, you know, if they put on heavy gloves and tickle me, or they do something bad. Or call me dirty baby or something, or fucking write racial shit on my car or whatever. Yeah, that's fucked up. But if they're just, you know, being family and stuff and.

• 46:27Theo Von?

  You know? I don't know. Like, we have to make things real.

• 46:34Theo Von?

  So it's like, yeah, I gotta go show up. It's an act, you know, consider it an act of service. At least in my fam, there might be another family member that gets to look across the table and I'm there for them, right? And the truth is, I, I'll get more joy out of it. Because I need family. I need connection.

• 46:51Theo Von?

  So, I'm not preaching that or anything. I think I'm actually just talking to myself out loud and, uh.

• 46:58Theo Von?

  But I may, you know, over the years, I've thought, I don't need that. I don't need that, you know?

• 47:04Theo Von?

  But, so maybe there's a way to try to work it out for the best and if not, don't get caught in that self pity place. Like right here you were saying.

• 47:13Speaker 05

  And I have no one to celebrate with and I'm just sad, man. I'm just so sad about it.

• 47:20Theo Von?

  Right, that, that, that place can get kinda tricky like, uh, it's okay to feel some sadness, but don't get so caught in it. Where you're just, just always just telling people you're sad or feeling too sad like, it's okay, but that can become like, I, I got addicted in my life to self pity. And I didn't realize it. Uh, so anyway, I hope you don't think I'm trying to preach at you. Um, and maybe I was a little bit, I'm sorry. I'm a little animated, um, and I just, uh, yeah, we're trying our best though, and so are you. And so that's okay. And happy holidays to you and, um, and yeah, I'll be thinking of you. And I'll say a nice little prayer for you.

• 48:04Theo Von?

  And Anna, Anna, happy, uh, Thanksgiving Anna. And I hope you create a moment where you find some other friends, you know, or find some other family can, you know, you don't have to do it all, but make, yeah, try to have some sense of connection out there. Even if you're just holding a puppy or you're doing something, looking at animals online. You know, just don't isolate too much, I think. If you can help it.

• 48:31Speaker 06

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• 49:01Theo Von?

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• 49:46Theo Von?

  And their Performance Package 5.0 Ultra doesn't just stop at grooming essentials. It also comes with two holiday bonuses. The Boxers 2.0 in Colorway Midnight Bravo and the Shed 2.0 toiletry bag. I have one of those. I like it. Give the gift of smooth this holiday season with the Performance Package 5.0 Ultra. Get 15% off your entire order with code Theo at manscaped.com. That's 15% off with code Theo at manscaped.com. Stay on top of your grooming game and be ready for anything this season throws your way. Alrighty, let's hit another call here.

• 50:26Speaker 07

  What's up Theo? This is Cage from down here in Allenboro, North Carolina.

• 50:31Theo Von?

  What's up Cage over there from North?

• 50:36Theo Von?

  Thank you for calling, brother. Happy holidays onward.

• 50:38Speaker 07

  And me and my old lady, we got a little boy and we trying to have another baby and we, you know, we pregnant and we went to the doctor. We're having two of them little fuckers. We having twins and it's two little girls. We got a boy now. It's just, I'm just asking what kind of advice you think you can give me? I don't know. We ain't got no girls or nothing. It's gonna be two babies at once. So what's your thoughts and what's some advice you can give me? Thank you, man.

• 51:04Theo Von?

  Amen, brother. Thank you, brother. And thank you for calling in, man.

• 51:09Theo Von?

  Congratulations, I would say right there. That's what I would say. Riley Mau, what would you say to this fella?

• 51:16Speaker 02

  I would say congratulations.

• 51:18Theo Von?

  And what advice would you have for him or what fears do you have here with even one coming in? Cause y'all are running one and this fella's, uh, he's got that side by side going.

• 51:30Speaker 02

  Um, I mean, it's,

• 51:34Speaker 02

  you know, just get ready.

• 51:39Theo Von?

  And there you go, right there. I'll tell you right this there, Cage. I don't, and you, you know, people know this and blessings to you and your family, but I don't believe in twins, right? I've never had believed in twins. I don't kind of believe in some of that, that wizardry, you know, that, you know, I don't believe in some of the trickery and wizardry of, uh, of the darker realms. Um, but you guys are having twins and you guys are going to be owner, owner operators of twins. And so I support that. You know, I support you. And I want your children to be happy, of course, you know, um, you know, but I've, yeah,

• 52:21Theo Von?

  I've seen a lot of stuff happen in there that can get out there that can get pretty wild. Where twins will keep secrets. Um, there was that twin, they had that twin baby. There's a video of it that can whistle.

• 52:34Theo Von?

  You know, bitch is four months old, bitch is whistling. Dogs are showing up outside. So that seems extracurricular spiritually to me, but, um,

• 52:47Theo Von?

  but I think one thing is, man, you just gotta just be there and love them. You gotta be there and love them. And it sounds like you guys are already ready to do that.

• 52:59Theo Von?

  You know, you sounded excited. I could hear the excitement in your voice.

• 53:04Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's tough, you know?

• 53:07Theo Von?

  But now if you could, like, you might have to ration food. I don't know what it gets like.

• 53:15Theo Von?

  You know, I don't know how crazy the world gets where it felt, if the government will take a twin. I don't know what realm we're headed into.

• 53:24Theo Von?

  But I just think you got, man, you got a lot of, you got a lot of work ahead, brother, but it sounds like your heart is ready for it, man. And, uh, congratulations and blessings to you guys over there. And praise God. And, um, yeah.

• 53:44Theo Von?

  You know, I can't even imagine what that's like. And I just can't even imagine. My stepdad used to own us one of those uh five bay outdoor car washes and yacht. Cause he had a three bay, right? He ran a three bay over there for a while. It was coin operated off of uh 190 over there in Covington.

• 54:06Theo Von?

  Right near uh

• 54:09Theo Von?

  right up river from uh Bog- Bogalow Park and he ran that coin op over there and and he got that five bay and God, it shook him. It shook him. So it was a lot, so.

• 54:24Theo Von?

  Yeah, and I'm not trying to, you know, maybe I, yeah, I shouldn't be comparing owning coin operated car washes to an amount of children you can have, but you know. Some people do that shit, man. You know, um, I mean, yeah, I, I mean, I had a neighbor like that. She'd compare things that shouldn't even be. You know, it'd be like, um, I'd say, you know, there's been a lot of fentanyl overdoses and it's just heartbreaking for Americans. She'd just always be like, you know, well, we you know, we, we got very sick from the uh chi- that new Chinese food place.

• 55:02Theo Von?

  I'm like, alright bitch, alright. That ain't the same. Uh. Let me see, let's finish up this holiday episode here, Thanksgiving. And man, this is kinda some of the most fun is some of this. And I wanna lean into this more. I think I didn't know, you know, you're just trying with podcasts. You're just trying to um figure out, wh- what do you want? And what do uh, and then you start to think, well, what does your audience want? But then even when I was um uh on my buddy's podcast the other day, he said, well, it's like, yeah, who do you wanna listen to? What do you wanna learn about and what do you wanna talk about? And what excites you?

• 55:46Theo Von?

  You know, and uh, and that was good. That was good to hear and be reminded of and um. Yeah, I think sometimes I struggle when I'm losing, when I'm lacking confidence about myself. I'll, I don't know what my plan is and so I'll like look at other people's plans and see, you know, well, maybe I'll just try and uh.

• 56:08Theo Von?

  Do that, do what's worked for somebody else type of thing. And there's nothing wrong with that, but uh. Yeah, I like it better when I feel grounded. I'm more locked in on my own plan. And so I think that's something I hope over this holiday season to just connect with God more and get a stronger sense of myself and my own plan.

• 56:30Theo Von?

  But yeah, I'm just thankful uh. That we can be alive to think about these things and hear about them together and to watch some guy bravely. Bring twins into the world.

• 56:47Theo Von?

  Dark arts, brother. Um, what do we got here?

• 56:51Speaker 04

  Hey Theo, um, my name is Danielle.

• 56:54Theo Von?

  Hey Danielle, thanks for calling. Onward.

• 56:57Speaker 04

  Um, I'm calling from Southern California. I had a question for you. Um, I've heard you say before that um. You are trying to meet God halfway. Um, and you know, in my life lately, I've been struggling with some stuff and I'm, I'm seeing God or, or at least like the universe or some sort of higher power. Um, working to help me in kind of mysterious ways. Um. But anyway, so my question for you is, well, I guess I want to learn how to meet that higher power halfway. So what does that look like to you when um, when you say that you're trying to meet God halfway? All right. Thank you so much. Thanks for all that you do.

• 57:43Theo Von?

  Oh, thank you so much for the call there. Um. Yeah, I guess when I, what I mean about that is like, um. Yeah, it's just, it's a relationship, you know, so if I have a.

• 57:58Theo Von?

  If I'm, you know, in prayer, in consultation with a higher power, right? It can be God, it can be the universe, it can be what you need for you, right? If I'm praying regularly, if I'm thinking about others regularly, if I'm checking in on people to see how they're doing, if I'm getting outside of myself, those are things I feel like God wants me to do, you know? And if I do those things, it keeps my relationship with my higher power, with the universe, with God, however you choose to describe it, it keeps that warm. You know, it's a comfortable, it's not a far walk.

• 58:41Theo Von?

  You know, if I've, if I've, if I've talked to God in prayer and thought or in consultation in the past day or two, or today a couple of times, then, then if I need some help, it's, hey, God, I don't know what to do right now, can you help guide me? You know, can you give me some intuition? Can you, um, do you have any, uh, do you have any direction for me? Those sorts of things, then that, the relationship's already warm because I've been praying and, and, and, um, kind of talking with God through prayers and just through moments of silence and peace, meditation, those sorts of things. So if I have that going and if the relationship's already warm, then if I need God for something

• 59:26Theo Von?

  immediately, or I need to, I need some influence from the universe, I need some help, I need some guidance, some suggestion, then it's right, then the walkway is already warm, you know, because there's already a lot of footprints on it, it's more of a thoroughfare. Then if I've, I'm just running in last minute, like, where's God? Where, you know, you know, I need something, I need, you know? So, yeah, I think that's all I was saying. Because I think God's right there, it's just like, how much do we want to connect? And I think we've gotten away from that as a society, maybe? And maybe that, that might just be me saying that. So I think I've gotten it away from it some of my life. Um, we got a call right here that came in, let's get one more here.

• 1:00:06Speaker 05

  Hi, Theo, I was just calling to tell you how much I've appreciated all of your podcasts. I've been to two of your comedy shows and I just am happy to hear that you're getting a break for yourself. And that you're done touring because you really give so much of yourself to us and I'm so grateful for that. But I hope you're taking time to practice self-care because you've been through a lot just from hearing about your stories. And hearing even the truths of your comedy show. I just hope that you're getting some time to just really reflect and appreciate your own work and how much you've made a difference in all of our lives. I listened to you in my first half marathon.

• 1:00:48Speaker 05

  I listened to you throughout college, listened to you in med school now. And I just wanted to call and just give you my appreciation because you really made a difference in my life. And you've made me see things so much differently and I just, I love you for that. And yeah, that's all I wanted to say. I don't have a question or anything. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you. And yeah, gang, gang.

• 1:01:12Theo Von?

  Oh, thanks for that. That's a, that's a very sweet message. The half marathon really shook me. That's cool. I can't even imagine somebody running by and they're hearing me rattling around in their head. Woo, that's crazy work. Um, well, thank you for being a doctor. Thank you for working hard to get out there and do something in the world that can help some other people. That's great. I love that. In a medical way, I think people find different ways to do it. Um, and some of us can be doctors and you're able to be able to go do that. So that's really exciting. Uh, yeah, I'm trying to, I'm trying to learn how to take time for myself, you know, it's.

• 1:01:55Theo Von?

  It's been, uh, like the break from touring has been good, but then the crazy part was you, I break from, I break from touring and then I realized that I'm still busy. You're like, oh my God. Um, but some of that, uh, has like, some of that has been finishing ups. Uh, has been finishing up stuff that I needed to get done, like, um, finishing up movie, this little movie edit thing that we made.

• 1:02:23Theo Von?

  You know, just different responsibilities, different little things that we're trying to do. The thing with Mike Rowe for buying products from other Americans, that sort of thing. Making sure we got that done.

• 1:02:34Theo Von?

  And it's weird because the part of you that's creative doesn't really stop. It's like it still wants to do stuff. But like your body and your brain are just like, hey, man, let's get a little bit of organization here. So, um, yeah, I'm certainly more focused on it.

• 1:02:50Theo Von?

  And I'm grateful that I have the means to be able to take some time off.

• 1:03:00Theo Von?

  I also feel like we're in a spot where, you know,

• 1:03:06Theo Von?

  you know, you want to have a voice, you know, it feels like right now it's like, you know, uh, I feel like it's more important than ever to try to try and have a voice and to be brave. And, um, sometimes I feel like I'm letting, I'm faltering in some of that space.

• 1:03:24Theo Von?

  And like, is it my responsibility, you know, to try and talk about things or speak up about things? And, uh, and then is it, is it just my ego that's saying that?

• 1:03:37Theo Von?

  You know, or like in the timeline of existence, like, yeah, what am I supposed to be doing now? What am I, you know, what means something?

• 1:03:46Theo Von?

  Yeah, now that I can feed myself, you know, uh, for the rest of my life, probably to be, you know,

• 1:03:54Theo Von?

  what me, what means something?

• 1:03:57Theo Von?

  You know, what means something? And, um, maybe it just goes back to that last call about, you know, just praying more about it and getting more idea.

• 1:04:07Theo Von?

  So, but having some time off has offered me, I got to go to like 10, uh, football games this year. SEC football games.

• 1:04:16Theo Von?

  And I'd never gotten to do, I've been touring like in the like, I mean, probably 16 years by, I don't even know, forever. Uh, like actually, but if you tour every other weekend in the fall, on your weekends off, it's hard to go somewhere. It's just like, you know, it's a lot. So to be able to go to like a lot of football games is like, that's brought me a ton of joy. So I have found a lot of things that have brought me more joy and had more of a social life. So that's been a good time.

• 1:04:42Theo Von?

  But I still think of finding more ways to give myself like, uh, just more rest and, um, you know, got back into therapy. So that's good. Uh, just things like that. So I think that's growing and so I'm grateful for that, but thank you so much for the call and, um, yeah. I think we might be able to maybe finish this episode up. Riley, anything else you have?

• 1:05:05Speaker 02

  Uh, nope.

• 1:05:09Theo Von?

  Nothing at all, huh? What do you wish for your child as he comes into the world and it's a boy, huh?

• 1:05:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:05:15Theo Von?

  Little Mark or whatever, right?

• 1:05:19Theo Von?

  We're not gonna say it's Mark, but it'd be something. Mark Mao, that would be his name, huh?

• 1:05:25Speaker 02

  You can think that.

• 1:05:26Theo Von?

  If it were Mark, I'm saying.

• 1:05:28Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 1:05:28Theo Von?

  It'd be Mark Mao. Mark Mao.

• 1:05:33Theo Von?

  But then it's always Mark set go. People always do that and people try to race you all the time. Mark set go. And you're like, fuck. That would suck. But what do you wish for that baby, that little semen that's fucking growing in your lady right now? What do you wish for that little fricking yellow bus that you fricking launched over there and now it's over there doing work? Big dog. What do you wish for that little fucking, uh, that little, um, edamame you got growing, baby boy? What you think, Riley?

• 1:06:03Speaker 02

  Uh, I just, you know, wish that he's healthy.

• 1:06:08Theo Von?

  Well, look, man, I'm happy for you, dude. You've come a long way, dude. Did you think that this would happen in your life? What age are you, Riley? I don't even know. I don't know if you're 70 or fucking 15. How old are you?

• 1:06:17Speaker 02

  I'm 27.

• 1:06:19Theo Von?

  Are you really?

• 1:06:20Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:06:20Theo Von?

  Oh my God. I thought you were 16.

• 1:06:24Speaker 02

  Nope.

• 1:06:24Theo Von?

  That's beautiful, dude. So this is time, huh?

• 1:06:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:06:29Theo Von?

  And what's it been like having a pregnant woman and dealing and, and being blessed enough to deal with someone like that?

• 1:06:38Speaker 02

  It's uh, there, there, it's a lot.

• 1:06:42Theo Von?

  Okay. Type shit, man. Well, we love you, man, and thank you so much for being on this journey with us over the years. I can't believe that I knew you when you had, I mean, you were,

• 1:06:57Theo Von?

  I remember when you even had any fucking hair on your neck, I think. Just a little bag of just yum yum soup. Just full of that energy.

• 1:07:07Theo Von?

  When you look back and now, a few years back and realize you had never ejaculated, are you, do you feel like now that you've been doing it well since then?

• 1:07:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:07:19Theo Von?

  You ever miss the old days when you were just full?

• 1:07:22Speaker 02

  Um, not really.

• 1:07:26Theo Von?

  There we go. Bustin' and growin' them. That's where he is now. Yeah, thank you to everybody that supported the auction. Uh, thank you, um, to you guys just for, uh, letting me be a part of your lives and for me, uh, and for you being a part of mine. And, uh, thanks for just bearing with me. As we've tried to kind of navigate like what's most important, things have changed so much over the years and like things in my life have kind of changed and like, um, uh, but it's like mo- like, and so it's been, I, you know, I didn't ever know what it would be like to have a podcast and to,

• 1:08:07Theo Von?

  and that, and to do it and, and to navigate it and stuff. So it's, you know, it's, it's been interesting. And then at the same time, you, you realize your own shortcomings as a, um, business developer and all that kind. It's just like, you know, there's so many things where like I've learned on the fly, kind of, as I've gone along, you know, um.

• 1:08:34Theo Von?

  And you guys have had a lot of grace with me and just letting me do that. And uh, and so, thank you. You know, thank you for having enough grace um, with me as I've just kind of learned, figured things out. Cause I think we're all just doing that. We're all just kind of trying our best to figure it out, so.

• 1:08:56Theo Von?

  All love out there. Happy Thanksgiving. Shout out everybody. And all love to the Native Americans out there. If I get a time machine and I get to go back, I'ma pull up for y'all. I'ma pull up for y'all. And we're gonna, and I'ma bring weapons so you could have a, let's make it a fair fight. That's what I'm thinking. Um, but God bless, bro. Praise God.

• 1:09:21Theo Von?

  And I just wish everybody happy Thanksgiving, man. And if you need me, baby, I'm upstairs. Riley Mau, what do you have to say? You wanna say goodbye? What do you feel like, huh? You got that turkey in the oven already.

• 1:09:33Speaker 02

  I do.

• 1:09:35Theo Von?

  And is that weiner still working good, brother?

• 1:09:38Speaker 02

  It is.

• 1:09:39Theo Von?

  And are you allowed to have sex on a uh, with a uh, uh, um, a woman that is with child or whatever?

• 1:09:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:09:49Theo Von?

  Okay, up until how, when is that cutoff? What's that cutoff date there, brother?

• 1:09:53Speaker 02

  Um, as soon as she has the baby.

• 1:09:57Theo Von?

  No. Oh, so you can do it up until she has the baby?

• 1:10:00Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:10:01Theo Von?

  Oh, bro.

• 1:10:04Theo Von?

  What a sick dude, bro.

• 1:10:08Theo Von?

  Bro, that's crazy, dude, if you're running that kind of game, cut. Anyway, blessings to you, brother. And when will the new baby be here?

• 1:10:18Speaker 02

  Uh, December 30th.

• 1:10:20Theo Von?

  Riley.

• 1:10:24Theo Von?

  That's awesome, brother. Well, we look forward to seeing a picture of it in the few, in the new year, brother. What do you think?

• 1:10:31Speaker 02

  Yes, sir.

• 1:10:32Theo Von?

  Will you bring us one? Is that okay?

• 1:10:34Speaker 02

  I will.

• 1:10:34Theo Von?

  All right, and prayers to your wife. Do you let her know that we'll be praying for you guys as peace and comfort? Is she excited?

• 1:10:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:10:42Theo Von?

  All right.

• 1:10:44Theo Von?

  All right, um, on behalf of everybody, happy Thanksgiving. Um, you guys be good to yourselves, man. You deserve it. And, uh, yeah, I'm all over the place, but I'm also right here. And so are you. So thank you for your time. Praise God.