Pod Insights On Purpose with Jay Shetty Why We Want to Fit In and 7 Ways to Stand Out With Real Confidence About this episode Have you ever caught yourself trying to fit in? Maybe you’ve done it with a group of friends, in your workplace, at yoga class or in the gym.
Fitting in was always something we were encouraged to do, whether it was wearing a uniform, playing the same sports as everyone else, and not showing our differences.
Do you still notice and feel it today, to some degree?
So how do we stand out with real confidence? Listen in to find out!
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Jay Shetty? This episode is brought to you by Mazda. Confidence isn't something Mazda finds, it's something they practise. That's the thinking behind every Mazda. With proactive safety features designed to help keep you more aware, more connected and more engaged with the road ahead. It's why Mazda has been named Consumer Reports' safest new car brand and has won more 2026 IIHS Top Safety Pick Plus Awards than any other car brand as of July 2026. Visit www.iihs.org to learn more. A lot can happen when an accident doesn't. Visit MazdaUSA.com to learn more. Consumer Reports does not endorse products or services. This episode is brought to you by Vinted.
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2:58 Jay Shetty? Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for being a listener and if you are a regular listener, make sure you subscribe and if you've subscribed, make sure you rate and review. I genuinely appreciate all the love. It's been amazing to have so many messages of what you're learning, how you're growing, and how the podcast has helped. Thank you so much for sharing those on Instagram, on Twitter, and on Facebook. I'm always looking out for ones that resonate and mean so much to me. And today's theme is going to truly, truly help. It's something that I've struggled with. It's something that I know so many of us have been challenged by. And I want to ask you this question. Have you ever caught yourself trying to fit in?
3:43 Jay Shetty? Right, maybe you've done it with a group of friends, maybe with people in your workplace, or maybe a yoga class or at the gym. How many times have you spotted yourself trying to fit in? Maybe it's fitting into a conversation. Maybe it's fitting into a group. Maybe it's fitting into a messenger group. Maybe it's fitting into a online group conversation. Whatever it may be, how many times have you caught yourself trying to fit in? Now, I remember the feeling from school. I never wanted to be picked last. You never want to be the odd one out. Fitting in was always something we were encouraged to do, whether it was wearing a uniform, whether it was playing the same sports as everyone else,
4:27 Jay Shetty? and not necessarily sharing or showing our differences. Right, if you think about it, when you were young, how much were you encouraged in the education space to actually share your unique skills or abilities? And how much were you measured against everyone else? And it was always about fitting in. Or at least that's how I remember it, and I know a lot of people do as well. And how many of you remember the term peer pressure? If you have young children, then you definitely know this term. And if you remember being a teenager or a young child, you remember this term as well. But this is what I want to ask you today. Do you still notice and feel it today to some degree? How much is peer pressure, not just a concept for children and teenagers,
5:10 Jay Shetty? but how much is peer pressure a concept that we deal with throughout our lives? We just become less aware of. We become less tuned into it because we start thinking at one point that we're making our own decisions, that we're doing what's right for us. But then we start thinking about our choices, and our choices are a great place to look at. Did you choose to live where you live because you want to live there? Or was there some peer pressure involved? Do you buy things or do holidays for your reasons or other reasons? Our choices really show what our motivations are. And our choices show whether we're trying to fit in or whether we're confident about who we are. Now, in a presentation by Parent Further that I read,
5:55 Jay Shetty? it states that 90% of teenagers are influenced by peer pressure. And this is what's even more alarming about it. Right, listen to this. 28% said that giving in to peer pressure pumped up their social status in the group. How many of us have experienced this before that we know that when we commit to peer pressure, when we give in to fitting in, it actually makes us more likeable, it makes us more wanted, we get invited to more places. And often when you're different or have different interests or have different skills, it somehow becomes more difficult, right? It's almost like your difference is a difficulty to actually build that relationship and to really fitting in.
6:41 Jay Shetty? But the point is, we all feel the pressure to fit in. It's like a survival technique and there's nothing necessarily wrong with it as well. And it has some science to it because we feel better when we belong, when people agree with us, when we have people around us that agree with our beliefs. But often the desire to fit in can come at the cost of feeling like we can be our true selves. How many times have you had that in your life? Where you know that you're trading something to fit in? You're keeping your mouth closed to fit in, you're trying not to say anything that rocks the boat to fit in, right? And we feel it comes at the cost of being able to be open about our true values,
7:26 Jay Shetty? our true beliefs and mindset. And it can start to affect our confidence. Because see, here's the thing, fitting in makes us feel comfortable. We're scared to stand out with confidence because actually fitting in makes us feel safe. It makes us feel secure. But listen to this carefully. Are you really safe or secure if you don't feel like yourself? If you're fitting in and that's making you feel distance from yourself, is that true safety and security or is that weakness? Now, if fitting in works for you, that's awesome and I love that. And there are plenty of places where I fit in naturally too. And there are places where I have to really reflect. Am I happy about fitting in or am I giving up more to fit in? Now, psychology is also often referred to
8:11 Jay Shetty? this as something known as group think bias or conformity bias. Now, if a group of people believe something is difficult or impossible, then we can adopt that mindset almost subconsciously. Now, it's not always bad to fit in, right? This is important for me to say, sometimes fitting in is great, but not if we don't want to fit in or if it doesn't feel natural. It's almost like trying on clothes. When you try some clothes on and they fit perfectly, you feel great and happy. But when you force something to fit, you spend the whole day checking your reflection in the mirror, asking for validation and trying to see if it actually looks right. See, when clothes don't fit, we just take it off and we won't wear it again.
8:55 Jay Shetty? But it's not the same with groups, people and situations. We keep trying it on, right? If something didn't fit, no matter how much you loved it, let's say there's an item of clothing that you ordered online and all of us do that, we order things online and then you have to send it all back and it's not the easiest process in the world. But if something doesn't fit, you may try and force it on for a day and retry it, but you're not gonna keep doing that over and over and over again if something doesn't fit. But with ourselves, we try and fit into situations and fit into areas even when we don't fit again and again and again. And the point here isn't to stand out for the sake of standing out and I really wanna explain this because I think it's so important that what I'm talking about is not just standing out for the sake of standing out.
9:38 Jay Shetty? I'm not talking about standing out because it's so important to like be different. I'm talking about the fact that we are different and have differences and our differences make us beautiful as well. And I don't want us to defend those or fight about them or artificially stand out, but we want to feel like we can be and represent ourselves, right? We want to feel that we are not pressurized in certain scenarios, in certain situations from being ourselves, right? Where you feel you can't say certain things, where you feel you can't share your beliefs. And I know we all experience this, whether it's at holiday times, whether it's during vacations, whether it's time with families. Because the truth is, there's as much joy in belonging as there is in unbelonging, right?
10:22 Jay Shetty? There are days when you want someone to understand you and there are days where you realize you shouldn't expect others to understand you. So you don't wanna fit in for the sake of it, but you don't wanna stand out for the sake of it either. That's the point that we lost, we get lost at either side. Sometimes we're like, oh, you know, I'm fitting in, but I don't want to, but then I'm trying to stand out and I don't know why either. So how do we stand out with real confidence? That's what I want to help you with today. What are the seven ways to stand out with real confidence? And what does that truly mean? And how do we demonstrate it?
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11:44 Jay Shetty? That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision making, and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state. This episode is brought to you by Wayfair.
12:29 Jay Shetty? Home should be a place that feels like a sanctuary, a space that truly reflects who you are. But it can be challenging to balance style, budget, and endless options. I was looking to create a dedicated calm space for my morning meditation and reading, but I was struggling to find pieces that felt grounding but could also stand up to daily use. I went on Wayfair and found a beautiful, solid wood accent chair and a bookshelf. Now that corner is my favorite place to anchor my day. The quality is incredible, it's built to last, and it completely shifted the energy of the room. Plus, you can shop with Wayfair Verified, where product specialists carefully vet items for quality and functionality.
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13:32 Jay Shetty? So, this is principle number one. I'd recommend that you take a screenshot right now of this time grab so that you can come back and take notes if you're not already taking notes. There are seven key points that I'd love to direct you through. I want you to be able to practice and experiment with at least one of them. So let's get going. The first one is everything we do will be judged, but we can't let that judgment stop us, right? If you fit in and go with the flow, people will call you a pushover and a follower. But if we stand out and we do our own thing, people will call us a rebel and an attention seeker. The point is, anything we do will always be judged. And if we live within the confines and prisons of judgment of our own or others,
14:16 Jay Shetty? then we let that be our sentence for life. Right? We have to recognize that people are going to have opinions, no matter what we do, so we can't let those opinions decide what we do. Right? People are going to have opinions, no matter what you do, so we can't let those opinions decide what we do. And so many of us get imprisoned by this fact. So real confidence means recognizing that whether you do what everyone says or whether you do what you want, either way you'll attract judgment. Either way, we attract criticism. I believe it was Aristotle that said that there is only one way to avoid criticism. Do nothing, say nothing and be nothing, right? That's the only way.
15:01 Jay Shetty? And even then, if you literally did nothing, said nothing and be nothing, people will also criticize and judge you then as well. So when you realize that you don't want to build your confidence off the fact of what people say or their opinions and how they respond, this is the first step to acting in real confidence. This is the first step to really finding yourself, because you have to recognize you can't live for the opinions of others. The second is really a question that I'd love for you to ask yourself, something to reflect on. And this is a really important one. And the question is, why don't you feel you fit? Right? Like, why do you feel you don't fit? And often, we've not deeply reflected on why we don't fit.
15:44 Jay Shetty? And the reason why I ask you to do this is I think it's really important to dissect our challenges, right? You don't want to just accept the first thing that comes to your mind. You just don't want to accept the first thing that you hear or are thinking about. You want to really dissect and go to the root of everything. So, ask yourself, do you not fit in because of your physical and how you look? Do you not fit in emotionally and how you feel? Do you not fit in intellectually and how you think? Do you not fit in spiritually because of your values? So, the question you want to ask yourself is, on what level do you not fit in? Right? Which level do you not fit in? Because guess what? It's hard to find one group of people that will fit and be parallel across all those areas.
16:27 Jay Shetty? And so, it's important to recognize that we will fit in with a certain group for certain things. So, what I mean by that is, you're not going to find, it's very difficult at least, to find one group of people that align physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. Right? It's pretty impossible that that's going to happen. But you may have people in your life that you align with physically. You may have people in your life that you align with spiritually. You may have people in your life that you align with emotionally. And it's so important to recognize and not expect and judge back that everyone has to be everything. And we can find people that actually nourish and nurture us in different areas. This gives us confidence to display the different parts of ourselves in different places.
17:09 Jay Shetty? Right? We may feel intellectually stimulated by a certain group and then emotionally cared for by another. We have to get to the root of what is really disturbing us and stop expecting it from the wrong places. And this is the reality of it, that we're not going to fit in perfectly anywhere. And therefore, we have to become aware of where we do fit and we don't fit, and which parts of us fit in different areas, so that we can demonstrate that. So, I'll give you an example. I may fit in physically and...
17:38 Jay Shetty? Mentally, when I'm playing sports with some of my friends, and that's what we bond over. We bond over performance and competition and all of that kind of stuff. But they may not be the friends that I bond with spiritually. And so I don't necessarily try and make that the energy that I'm bringing there, right? I make sure that I'm bringing the energy to different parts of my life. And then, of course, as your life goes on, you start to realize there are certain groups you want to spend more time with, and there are other ones that you don't.
18:12 Jay Shetty? This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colors, high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online.
18:46 Speaker 01 Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid, and risked 350,000 Virginians' health care to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes, and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the House Majority PAC dot com. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.
19:15 Speaker 02 Mr. President, my company tore me of the explosion on our rig.
19:18 Speaker 03 On October 2nd.
19:20 Speaker 02 Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heap the blame on me.
19:24 Speaker 03 Tom Cruise is. Digger got us into this mess, and Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and The Revenant.
19:32 Speaker 04 What would happen if I stopped drilling? You're stalled, you freeze to death, that's what.
19:36 Speaker 03 With great power comes great deniability.
19:39 Speaker 04 I'm not the first nanny.
19:40 Speaker 03 Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not a minute without parent.
19:46 Jay Shetty? Now, number three. Confidence comes from self-awareness. And we know this, we've heard this. But here's the truth about self-awareness. Self-awareness includes both your strengths and your weaknesses. Self-awareness is not just understanding your strengths and what you're good at. Self-awareness is understanding what you struggle with. Self-awareness is recognizing that even if you see it as something that it's a weakness, when you're aware of it, it's now no longer a weakness. See, a weakness is something that weakens you. And what weakens you is something that you're not aware of, right? When you're not aware of something, something has the ability to surprise you. What is often known in the business world as unknown unknowns.
20:29 Jay Shetty? And I believe a lot of this is mentioned by Donald Rumsfeld as well, around looking at known unknowns. So that's things like, we know there are some things we don't know, right? And known unknown is that you know there are things you don't know about. But then there are unknown unknowns. There are things that you don't even know about, that you don't know anything about, right? And that surprises you. So self-awareness is really getting closer to your strengths and weaknesses and trying to get things, or as many things as you can, to be aware of. So accepting our strengths and weaknesses is what gives us real confidence, right? That's where real confidence comes from. When you are aware of things that you don't know. When you're aware of what you need to learn. When you're aware of where you need to grow.
21:12 Jay Shetty? Because now, you know that, you can display that. And there's a beautiful statement by Confucius that says, "The person who asks a question is a fool for a minute. The person who does not ask is a fool for life." And that's exactly where we realize that self-awareness allows us to ask questions with confidence, so that we know we can learn and improve, rather than pretending that we know the answer, right? We want to be in more scenarios in life where we don't need to hide our strengths and weaknesses. We've all been around people where you have to hide your weaknesses, or you feel you have to hide your weaknesses because you're scared that you'll get judged for them. And that's really challenging, actually, in life, when we're around people where we have to hide our weaknesses.
21:56 Jay Shetty? Is because we think we can only display our strengths. You might feel that way at work. And that's why it's so important to have work mentors or coaches even outside the workplace where you can share those. Because one thing we've done since we were young is we've just kind of buried our weaknesses. Like we just bury them and we act like they're not there, which means we don't process them, we don't heal them. And we don't get a chance to actually work through them and potentially even develop them into really, really powerful strengths. Like we just avoid them. We don't look at them. We don't even give them a chance or an opportunity to transform. So we want to make sure that we're addressing those weaknesses. We want to make sure we're giving ourselves a chance. But sometimes we're around people where we have to hide our strengths and that's even more worrying.
22:39 Jay Shetty? Right? Sometimes we're around people where we have to hide our strengths. How many times have you been in a scenario and you're like, I can't actually share what I've just achieved, or I can't share the good that's happening in my life. Because that's going to unnerve certain people that I'm around. And so we really have to be careful about that as well, because we need to find places where we can demonstrate our successes. Where we can share our achievements properly without ego, without arrogance. But about really looking at where we've come from and what we've got to and where we've kind of reached and how much hard work we've put in. We have to celebrate those things. So we have to be aware of not just the people where we have to hide our weaknesses, but also the people where we have to hide our strengths. Because as much as it's important to face our weaknesses, it's also important to celebrate our strengths.
23:24 Jay Shetty? It's also important to celebrate our successes. It's also important to celebrate the growth that we're making. And that actually builds confidence, knowing that you can celebrate your small wins, the small steps in the right direction. All of those give you more to be confident about. And sometimes we don't feel confident because we're constantly shying away from our success and hiding it. Because we feel we're around people that we can't actually share them with. And at the same time, we don't build confidence because we're too busy ignoring our weaknesses. And so we always feel like they're in our closet rather than actually putting them out there. A good example of this is in the Eight Mile movie. So if you look at Eight Mile, you know, you've got.
24:08 Jay Shetty? Eminem playing himself, almost like himself. And at the end of it, in the rap battle, instead of allowing the other person to talk about his weaknesses, he talks about the weaknesses he thinks the other opponent is going to talk about. And that way, he takes away their power. That's what we do when we work through our own weaknesses, right? When we work through our own weaknesses, we take away their power. Now, point number four. You have to recognize that you have to understand your viewpoint and learn to articulate it effectively. A lot of the times, we don't feel confident is because we haven't taken the time to understand how to verbalize our beliefs, right? We think about them in our heads and they make sense,
24:52 Jay Shetty? but when we talk about them, they don't make sense to us or the other person. And that's why we don't feel confident, because we can't share what we believe in with focus, with attention, with poise. And so, one of the things I wanted to share with you is that in the Bhagavad Gita, it talks about the four austerities of speech. And sometimes, the reason we don't feel confident, like I said, is that we have not thought about how to express ourselves properly. Or our ideas, our viewpoints have not been reflected on deeply. When we share how we feel using the four austerities of speech, it means we focus on saying words that are these four things. Number one is truthful. Number two is beneficial to all. Number three is don't agitate the minds of others. And number four in the Bhagavad Gita is aligned with spiritual texts.
25:37 Jay Shetty? So it's aligned with a deeper philosophy. So it said that before you speak, you have to ask yourself, the Bhagavad Gita talks about this, to say words that are truthful. Say words that are beneficial to all, right? How can you say it in a way that it's beneficial to anyone who will listen? Number three, how do you say in a way that doesn't agitate the minds of others? So that doesn't mean that you won't agitate the minds of others, or it doesn't mean that people won't react, but you've intentionally thought about that. You've tried your best to articulate it in that way. And so... One of the things we have to understand here is just that often a lot of our beliefs and thoughts are misunderstood by ourselves and others. And that's why we really have to think through our belief system, right? We develop confidence by reflection and introspection.
26:20 Jay Shetty? The more you reflect on an idea, the stronger it becomes, just like the more you work a muscle, the stronger it becomes. Confidence is like a muscle. The way you strengthen confidence, the way you strengthen the muscle of confidence is by introspecting on your values and beliefs. The more you introspect on them, the more they build, the stronger they get, right? So the thought you had at the beginning isn't the same as the thought at the end of a reflection, just like a muscle you have at the beginning isn't a muscle at the end. It builds, it expands, it extends. And we have to do the same with our mind and confidence. We have to let our confidence extend and expand continuously and not settle for the first thought we had. Now, the fifth one, which is really important in our confidence, is making sure we don't judge others.
27:05 Jay Shetty? Because if we're confident because of our judgment of others, then that's not confidence. That's just ego and arrogance and actually delusion. You don't build your tower off the back of someone else, right? You don't build your building off the back of someone else and breaking them down. Because when you build that kind of tower, when you judge others, that's not confidence. You feel confident from it, but actually it's not confident, it's just a weakness. And so we have to make sure we don't judge others in that way to build our confidence on that judgment. So one of the ways to stand out with real confidence is to not judge and continue to work on ourselves. And that really builds a great mindset for success. Number six point is start living what you think.
27:50 Jay Shetty? Confidence develops when you put your beliefs into practice. For example, if you have the belief that you can learn something in a month and you act on that and you do it, your confidence grows. And again, you want to be realistic with those, but things actually grow. Right, so if you set yourself a task and you say I'm gonna achieve this by the end of the day, or by the end of the week, or by the end of the month, again, when you do that, your confidence grows. So you wanna start living your beliefs. You want to start putting things into practice and to action. When you put things into practice and to action, you see movement, you see changes, you see growth happening all around you. And finally, number seven, find people who champion you and challenge you. So you wanna
28:34 Jay Shetty? find people who champion you and challenge you. You don't wanna just be around people who say good things about you, you don't wanna be around people who just compliment you, challenge and champion you, right? Our confidence develops when we find incredible people who champion our work, who share our work, who talk about it, who encourage it, and then challenge us. People who force us to become better, that make us think deeper, that make us think bigger. So these are the seven ways to stand out with real confidence. The first one, everything we do will be judged, so don't let that judgment stop you. Number two, why don't you feel you fit? Figure that out and recognize that you will fit in in different ways, in different places. Number three, confidence comes from self-awareness,
29:14 Jay Shetty? being aware of your strengths and your weaknesses. Number four, learn how to articulate yourself effectively, so that you can actually have a good conversation about something and feel more confident when you can explain it. Number five, we have to make sure we don't judge others as well, because then we're not building confidence, we're just building our own insecurities. Number six, start living what you think, right? Start putting it into practice. The more you test what you think, the more it is gonna happen. And number seven, find people who champion and challenge you. Thank you to everyone who's been listening today. I'm so grateful for all of you for being a part of this community. Make sure you share this episode and the takeaway that has helped you the most. Remember, I'm going to the
29:56 Jay Shetty? root of developing real confidence, not just focusing on different things you can do here and there, but really focusing on the heart of it. Thank you so much for listening. Make sure you share this episode. I'll see you next week.
30:12 Jay Shetty? Thank you so much for listening through to the end of that episode. I hope you're gonna share this all across social media. Let people know that you're subscribed to On Purpose. Let me know, post it, tell me what a difference it's making in your life. I would love to see your thoughts. I can't wait for this incredibly conscious community we're creating of purposeful people. You're now a part of the tribe, a part of the squad. Thank you for being here. I can't wait to share the next episode with you.
30:58 Speaker 01 Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid, and risked 350,000 Virginians' health care to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes, and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the House Majority PAC dot com. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.
31:27 Speaker 02 Mr. President, my company tore me of the explosion on our rig on October 2nd, causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heap the blame on me. Tom Cruise is.
31:38 Speaker 03 Digger got us into this mess. And Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and the Ravennet.
31:44 Speaker 04 What would happen if I stopped doing it? You stall, you freeze in there, that's what.
31:48 Speaker 03 With great power comes great deniability.
31:51 Speaker 04 I'm not the first then.
31:52 Speaker 03 Digger, see the trailer online, only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R, under 17, not a middle without parent.
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