These Dating MYTHS Are DESTROYING Your Love Life (What A Healthy Partner REALLY Wants!) | Sadia Khan

Joining us is the renowned relationship expert and author, Sadia Khan. With years of experience in the field, Sadia has been a guiding light for individuals seeking love, companionship, and personal growth. Today, we're delving into a topic that many of us can relate to – dating. Whether you're a novice or a seasoned dater, we've got you covered. After graduating in psychology and completing masters in developmental psychology Sadia began teaching in inner London schools amongst children of deprived backgrounds. She then went on to teach privileged students in Dubai and noticed not only the economic but psychological advantage wealth provides children when their parents can access therapy. Sadia decided to complete her studies in psychotherapy and decided to post a few videos online mainly to make therapy accessible to those who may struggle to afford it and to make therapy more digestible to those who may not understand the concept. The videos blew up and changed her career path to online therapist, podcaster and content creator racking over 100 million views online. In this episode you will learnCommon traits of all poor communicatorsThe #1 reason women feel unsafe in relationshipsWhy people change their personality to fit their partnersWho files for divorce more, men vs. womenHow to gain confidence and self esteem to attract the right partnerFor more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1533For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes on Radical Self Love & Acceptance:Jason Derulo – https://link.chtbl.com/1460-podKaramo Brown – https://link.chtbl.com/1457-podPokimane – https://link.chtbl.com/1443-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Sadia Khan?

  People have this arrogance where they're like, if I have to communicate, it's not real. In this world, especially because of movies and shows and songs, it's taught us that if we have to explain it, then that person doesn't love you. They should be able to mind read and predict and stuff. And then it creates the ingredients for a distant relationship. Communicating effectively is essential.

• 0:19Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:43Lewis Howes?

  I've interviewed a lot of people over the last 10 years. And typically, when someone has a lot of wisdom like yourself, they don't get to wisdom because everything was perfect.

• 0:55Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 0:56Lewis Howes?

  And everything was happy and safe and comfortable and life was good.

• 1:02Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 1:02Lewis Howes?

  There's usually some challenge, trauma, breakdown at some stage of their life. You know, if they're, maybe they're in a marriage that went one way. They got divorced and they realized like, oh, there was a pattern that I lived or something happened. And so I'm going to go down this path because I had this experience. There was a childhood thing or something like that.

• 1:20Lewis Howes?

  What do you think makes you so

• 1:24Lewis Howes?

  wise around these concepts of relationships? And also, great context, you're not married, you don't have kids.

• 1:32Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 1:33Lewis Howes?

  So there's going to be people saying, well, she doesn't, you know, she's speaking about this, but she hasn't really experienced a relationship at this level. What makes you qualified to have this wisdom with where you're at in your life?

• 1:44Sadia Khan?

  I don't know if it makes me qualified, but I would say that there has to be a healthy level of trauma to ignite this level of curiosity towards human nature. And I think in my particular case, I faced a lot of neglect, particularly from siblings. I was very much like the middle child, very much neglected, very much by myself. Um. And the thing that was really bizarre for me is I'd be such a big personality outside of the home. I had so many friends and so many people would gravitate towards me. And I would go in my home and my siblings would totally ignore me and act like I don't exist. And I would be spend countless amount of time by myself in my bedroom while they would have a great time. And I could hear them laughing and joking and stuff. And I was automatically kind of in between two worlds.

• 2:28Sadia Khan?

  And so what would happen is I understood that the reaction I was getting outside of the home was not the same as I'm getting in the home. And it was causing something in me. I remember feeling like I know I'm worthy of love because everybody else seems to love me loads. But I don't feel worthy of love because the people I want it from don't give it to me. So because I had this kind of dichotomy of like self-esteem. I then realized how self sabotaging I can be and how difficult I can be. I in so many relationships when people would be so love and even to this day, like if somebody compliments me. I find it so difficult to accept a compliment and I started dislike the person who's complimenting me.

• 3:06Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 3:07Sadia Khan?

  Absolutely.

• 3:08Lewis Howes?

  So if I don't want to be your friend, I'll be nice to you.

• 3:10Sadia Khan?

  Exactly. All my, all my.

• 3:13Lewis Howes?

  If I don't want to be your friend, be nice to you.

• 3:15Sadia Khan?

  Exactly. It's the quickest way to get me to dislike you is to give me compliments.

• 3:19Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 3:19Sadia Khan?

  Absolutely. All of my closest friends are hypercritical of me and I keep it that way. They'll say to me, that looks bad or you look terrible there or you've gained weight.

• 3:27Lewis Howes?

  I think honesty and feedback is great, you know, is also a great resource for a friend as opposed to over complimenting something that's not true maybe. So there's some, you know.

• 3:36Sadia Khan?

  There's some elements of imbalance in there, but there's a strong dislike towards people who compliment me a lot. Because a part of me believes they're lying to me. And it would probably be because at home I never got a single compliment. Till this day, I don't think I've ever had a compliment. So I think what happened is my home life and my self-esteem were so uh separated from my confidence. I had loads and loads of confidence but no real self-esteem. And I saw how on the surface I come across really well put together and really like, you know, confident, all these things. But when you get to know me, especially when the way my partner knows me. They see all of these insecurities and all of this pain and all of this thing and this like. That that Saudi I met and the Saudi that like is now in love is two different people.

• 4:19Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 4:19Sadia Khan?

  And me realizing that made me kind of go down this journey of understanding human behavior in a way that I guess requires a bit more empathy than somebody who would have it completely perfect.

• 4:29Lewis Howes?

  Yes, you've really you've really researched a lot.

• 4:32Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, did that do that the same for you when you with your trauma?

• 4:35Lewis Howes?

  Again, being the youngest of four and kind of being feeling like I was always the one left out, right? Yeah. My other, I was a, you know, five, seven, eight year old brat. Oh. Just running around trying to get attention from my older siblings. They're off with their friends. They don't want anything to do with me. I understand. I'm I'm four years younger than my other sibling and then eleven years younger from my brother, so they don't want to hang out with a five or seven year old. You know, it wasn't and they had their own stress.

• 5:01Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 5:01Lewis Howes?

  So I don't blame them, but I felt very alone my whole childhood until I turned thirteen and I left home.

• 5:06Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 5:06Lewis Howes?

  And I and I was like, I can't deal with this pain anymore. Get me out. And that that and I was telling you beforehand, that made me an observer of human beings.

• 5:15Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 5:15Lewis Howes?

  My whole childhood because I didn't feel like I belonged or fit in or was accepted.

• 5:19Sadia Khan?

  Uh huh.

• 5:20Lewis Howes?

  Which I think a lot of people feel in in some instance in their life, they don't feel like they belong, they fit in or they're not accepted in some way.

• 5:26Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 5:27Lewis Howes?

  I felt that until I was thirteen, really. I sat and watched people and I observed people. What makes them react a certain way? Why are they in this energetic state? What makes them, you know, cry? What makes them laugh? Why are they reacting to this?

• 5:43Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 5:43Lewis Howes?

  What what was it? And so I just would watch people all day because no one would hang out with me.

• 5:48Sadia Khan?

  Right, okay.

• 5:48Lewis Howes?

  I would watch people at school. I'd watch people, you know, on the streets or I'd watch my siblings. I would just watch because no one would spend time with me.

• 5:56Sadia Khan?

  Right.

• 5:57Lewis Howes?

  And that became an incredible skill set of understanding people.

• 6:03Sadia Khan?

  Oh.

• 6:04Lewis Howes?

  Of seeing people and having compassion.

• 6:06Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 6:06Lewis Howes?

  Seeing people and learning how to connect better. And it's an ongoing journey and a process, but. You know, that pain for really decade plus became something that was a superpower in a sense.

• 6:18Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 6:19Lewis Howes?

  That allowed me to allow me to have curiosity.

• 6:21Sadia Khan?

  Uh huh.

• 6:22Lewis Howes?

  Someone like yourself being like, tell me more.

• 6:24Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 6:25Lewis Howes?

  I wanna learn.

• 6:26Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 6:27Lewis Howes?

  I'm fascinated by what you've experienced, what you've learned and why this pain or this challenge affected you to be this way.

• 6:34Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 6:34Lewis Howes?

  Cause I know what affected me to be this way than I am.

• 6:37Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, and it actually made me very androgynous. Um, the thing is, sometimes the comments I get is, oh, you're feminine and stuff. But I actually consider myself really, I'm not this non-binary, all this stuff. But mentally, I think my content tends to be quite gender neutral. I kind of talk about men and women quite equally. But it was because I was, um, left out from all my sisters, girls. So what happened is I didn't identify with being a woman. And the other thing that is really interesting is when I was the third girl in my culture, Pakistani culture, you want boys. So when I was born, my parents were hysterically crying. They couldn't believe they had a girl. They were crying their eyes out to the point where the nurse came in thinking I stopped breathing. And like, we didn't want a girl. We really didn't want a girl.

• 7:15Lewis Howes?

  Oh, no, man.

• 7:15Sadia Khan?

  And so what happened is I grew up with almost like thinking I'm not a girl in a way, like I'm not one of the girls. I'm not one of the girls. But I am so feminine. So what would happen is I would always have more male friends. And I'd always understand the male brain a bit better than the female brain because I almost saw females as like people who don't like me. And males would always be really nice to me. So I almost kind of understood them way better than, and being a woman, I understand women. But I got this insight into the male brain that I couldn't have accessed if I wasn't so segregated from my sisters. So it actually helped me academically and in this career path, maybe not emotionally, but it definitely helped me in this way. Yeah.

• 7:54Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, okay. Uh, there's a few things I wanna talk about there, but something came up for me. In a, in a heterosexual relationship.

• 8:00Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 8:01Lewis Howes?

  What is it that men really want versus what women really want? Based on your experience, growing up with men, understanding the male brain and being a woman. What is it that men really want and that women really want? And if each opposite knew this, they would have a much better relationship.

• 8:20Sadia Khan?

  I think for men, the ability to be completely unapologetically themselves and have their needs predicted is something they can't do anywhere else in the world. What I mean by that is for women, my best friend, for example, she'll know when I'm feeling low and she might get me a chocolate. Or my other best friends, I know I can call her when I'm stressed, sad, whatever it is. I can outsource this ability to have my needs met and without saying a word, because women tend to be quite emotionally intelligent. And I have the ability to be myself, vulnerable, happy, sad, whatever it is. For men in the real world, they have to be a man. They have to wear a bit of a mask. So they have to look like they've got it put together. They have to look like they're in control. They have to look, they have to look, they have to look.

• 9:01Sadia Khan?

  So if they can go home where they can take the mask off and still be loved and appreciated, that an appreciation for them isn't just a quick thank you. It's also like, I know you're tired. I know you're hungry. I know you need to get up early. So I'm just turning the, I'm putting the kids to bed. I'm just turning the volume off. I know you need to get to bed. That is a form of appreciation for them. So I think if they have a woman or an environment where they can take the mask off and their needs can be predicted, it's something that they think they can only dream of. They don't know that that actually exists for them. Would you agree or do you like, what do you think from your perspective as a man? I'd be interested.

• 9:38Lewis Howes?

  I can speak from my perspective and maybe like male friends that I talk to who are,

• 9:44Lewis Howes?

  you know, business owners who have, you know, multiple responsibilities beyond themselves. And they have lots of employees or something like that, or a brand or something. Is that there is a weight. There is a weight that these men feel and that I feel at times. And I'm not saying, oh, woe is me, I have a weight or something. It's just, you've got to show up responsible for people more than just yourself. You've got to show up and deliver, not once in a while, but every single day.

• 10:13Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 10:14Lewis Howes?

  And I welcome the responsibility. I'm blessed to have the opportunity and the responsibility to have a vessel physically and emotionally and mentally and spiritually to carry the weight that.

• 10:29Lewis Howes?

  Uh, you know, has been given, provided for me. I'm blessed and that's why I train myself physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. Take it on where it feels light.

• 10:39Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 10:40Lewis Howes?

  So that it doesn't weigh me down. But that doesn't mean there aren't days when it isn't challenging.

• 10:45Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 10:46Lewis Howes?

  And just wanting to be able to go and relax and feel peace at home is the highest currency.

• 10:55Sadia Khan?

  Mm hmm.

• 10:55Lewis Howes?

  Feeling accepted and, and having a sense of peace.

• 10:58Sadia Khan?

  Yeah. And what would that look like for you?

• 11:00Lewis Howes?

  I mean, I get it almost every night. So I feel, I feel blessed, right?

• 11:03Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 11:04Lewis Howes?

  Um, and that's, that's, that's why I feel even more peace. Um, because of that. And I, but I, why I'm blessed is because I know the complete opposite of it. I know being, and I'm not blaming anyone. It's just, I know what it felt like to not feel that.

• 11:21Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 11:21Lewis Howes?

  And it feels more weight is, is piled on top of you. And I'm not saying it's the woman's responsibility or this and this. It's really just, I didn't choose correctly and that's okay. And I mean, communicate the right way and I had healing to do and all sorts of stuff.

• 11:35Sadia Khan?

  I would agree. I think peace is definitely created. I know a lot of men say they want peace. But usually the men that are like, ah, dying for peace and can't find it is either they've chosen super chaotic. But they might be engaging behaviors that are also not conducive to peace.

• 11:48Lewis Howes?

  They don't have self-control.

• 11:49Sadia Khan?

  They don't have self-control. They're coming home late. They're drinking too much. They're watching pornography and then, and then they scream at their wife, like, why can't you give me peace? But honestly, when you meet a man who selects wisely and has self-control, peace is an inevitable outcome.

• 12:02Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 12:03Sadia Khan?

  He doesn't have to ask for it.

• 12:04Lewis Howes?

  So I'm hearing you say like a man that can have someone meet their predictable needs, correct?

• 12:11Sadia Khan?

  As a form of appreciation.

• 12:12Lewis Howes?

  As a form of appreciation, which there might be women saying, well, how am I going to predict when he can't predict what I want?

• 12:17Sadia Khan?

  Uh huh.

• 12:17Lewis Howes?

  When he's not reading my mind, when he's not, you know, there for me when I tell him everything's fine, but I have, actually have an attitude and I'm not showing that everything's fine. How am I supposed to predict and be there for him if he can't do that for me?

• 12:31Sadia Khan?

  Um, because you have to ask yourself, do I like that he doesn't do that for me? Do I like that experience of him not seeing it, not doing it, so and so? If I don't like it, then surely why would I create that also? Why would I emulate a behavior I dislike? So perhaps you can role model the behavior you like and also manage your expectations. What I mean by this is when somebody isn't predicting you, and it is men and women, or isn't doing it, is it deliberate? Is it that, oh, here, I'm not gonna do it for you? Or is it a case of, oh, I didn't, I didn't know, let me help? So the reality is, are you communicating it before you get angry?

• 13:04Lewis Howes?

  And communicating early on.

• 13:06Sadia Khan?

  Early on.

• 13:06Lewis Howes?

  Not after you're married and then saying, this is what I need.

• 13:08Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 13:09Lewis Howes?

  But actually communicating it early on, this is something that I did differently, and so did Martha. We communicated early on, this is what I'm gonna need now? This is what I'm gonna need in the future? It's not like these crazy needs.

• 13:20Sadia Khan?

  No.

• 13:20Lewis Howes?

  It's just like, this is, to be in a committed relationship, to commit and be all in and be giving and of service and thinking about a future together.

• 13:28Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 13:29Lewis Howes?

  Here's what I need. And here, here's what I'm willing to do, here's what I'm not willing to do.

• 13:33Sadia Khan?

  And it's so wild, because if any job description, anything like that, we'd wanna know exactly what to do in order to get them, uh, to get promoted or whatever it is.

• 13:41Lewis Howes?

  And it doesn't mean there's, it's not gonna grow and evolve and there's gonna be, you know, flexibility. But it's like, at least communicate the basic needs.

• 13:49Sadia Khan?

  But people have this arrogance where they're like, if I have to communicate, it's not real, because they watch too many movies.

• 13:54Lewis Howes?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 13:54Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, so what's happening, especially in Western culture, in any other culture, in any other period of time, it's like, of course you tell people what you want. How else are they gonna know? But in this world, especially because of movies and shows and songs, it's taught us that if we have to explain it, then that person doesn't love you. They should be able to mind read and predict and stuff, and then it creates the ingredients for a distant relationship emotionally. So I think communicating effectively is essential.

• 14:21Lewis Howes?

  So what is it that? If a man truly knew what a woman wanted, they would have a happier, healthier relationship.

• 14:28Sadia Khan?

  It's difficult because it all depends on if you've chosen a woman who's healed and not so chaotic. Essentially, what they want is to be protected in a way that nobody else can. And what I mean by protected, it can be financial, emotional, whatever it is. But it's a way, if I'm protecting my woman emotionally, I'm not engaging in behaviors that will humiliate or hurt her. If I'm protecting her financially, it means I'm giving her my best. Doesn't mean I'm giving her everything, but the best I can do. If I'm a taxi driver, I'm, you know, covering what I can cover. But if I'm somebody who's frugal with her, she will always feel like she's more powerful than you.

• 15:09Sadia Khan?

  And whenever she feels like he's not protecting, she feels more powerful and then she becomes disrespectful. But when she has a man that's protective of her, both her safety, her emotions, her finances, she then keeps, allows him to take control. And whenever we feel more powerful than a man, we feel unsafe. And that unsafety makes us disrespect him and then look for other men.

• 15:31Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 15:31Sadia Khan?

  It's almost evolved. So therefore, if he can protect us in those ways, we remain feeling safe. So it's essential.

• 15:38Lewis Howes?

  So what's the number one thing that makes women feel unsafe from the man they're with?

• 15:43Sadia Khan?

  I would say that showing a complete disregard for her emotional well-being. And that doesn't have to be sleeping, it doesn't have to go that far to sleeping with other women. It might be as simple as not replying to her messages or, you know, behaving online, like liking. I know it sounds so bizarre, but you'll be so surprised at how unsafe a woman can feel simply by watching who his pictures he's liking and commenting and saving. It's such a simple thing from a man, but from a woman's perspective, it almost ignites her fight or flight response. Isn't that weird to a man? It doesn't work for insecure women.

• 16:18Lewis Howes?

  Think to a conscious man, it makes sense.

• 16:20Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 16:20Lewis Howes?

  That you're like, okay, would I like her doing this? Maybe you wouldn't, but I mean, maybe it wouldn't matter.

• 16:26Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 16:27Lewis Howes?

  For me, it doesn't, it doesn't really matter what she does.

• 16:29Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, because you've established that trust.

• 16:31Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and.

• 16:34Lewis Howes?

  And if we haven't created an agreement on something, then she's gonna do what she wants to do. And then I would just acknowledge and say, hey, I don't really like this. Can we, can we make an agreement on this?

• 16:43Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 16:44Lewis Howes?

  And if, and we'll figure out what that is. And then, cool, we've created a new dynamic, right? But I also just feel confident with who I am.

• 16:50Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 16:51Lewis Howes?

  And so if she's off doing something, which she never has, and I don't think she would ever do it. But if she's off doing something and I, I would find out it eventually. And I'd say, okay, well, that's unfortunate, but I guess this isn't the right fit. Or we need to figure out how to mend this.

• 17:05Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 17:05Lewis Howes?

  Or I'll be okay. If you wanna go live this life, that's fine.

• 17:09Sadia Khan?

  So it's.

• 17:09Lewis Howes?

  Just not gonna be with me. You know, it's like, all right, it's sad, it's unfortunate, it's.

• 17:14Sadia Khan?

  Is it, that's the healthy way to see it because a lot of people think addiction is a testament to how much you love someone. The fact that you can't let them go must mean you really love them. But actually, it means that you haven't established healthy boundaries and you don't have any self-esteem.

• 17:28Lewis Howes?

  But yeah, but there's also probably like certain things that Martha may wanna do that I wanna do myself. And maybe it's not like the highest value that I would have or with my time or my energy or whatever. But it's who she is, it's unique to her. So I'm gonna accept her for who she is. And I've chosen to accept her. That's why when I got committed to her, right before we committed, I said, listen, is there anything else I need to know about you? Cause I felt like I asked her as much as I could in a few months period, right? And I got to meet her family and travel and do all these things you get to experience together that could cause upset or different things come out. So I feel like I got to know at least a good amount in a short period of time. I said to her,

• 18:10Lewis Howes?

  as long as this is who you are and who you're gonna continue to be, there's nothing that upsets me.

• 18:15Sadia Khan?

  Oh, there's no deal breakers.

• 18:16Lewis Howes?

  Well, I was just like, I'm gonna accept who you are. You know, where there's some men that are like, okay, you, you were a model or whatever. You did something and now I don't want you to do that anymore.

• 18:25Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 18:25Lewis Howes?

  Now that we're together, you can't do this thing anymore.

• 18:27Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 18:28Lewis Howes?

  Martha's an actress.

• 18:29Sadia Khan?

  Mm-hmm.

• 18:29Lewis Howes?

  So she's done, I don't know, forty different movies. She's, she's kissed men in movies. She's done the different intimate scenes.

• 18:35Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 18:36Lewis Howes?

  I know that.

• 18:37Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 18:38Lewis Howes?

  And therefore I had to ask myself, do I accept this if she continues being who she is?

• 18:44Sadia Khan?

  Yeah. Exactly.

• 18:45Lewis Howes?

  And I had to say, okay, I'm okay with that. As opposed to you can't do this anymore. You have to change to fit into my world.

• 18:51Sadia Khan?

  Well, that's the difference between insecure and boundaries. Because here's the thing, a lot of men, they'll like, they'll say, no, I'm not being insecure. I'm just setting boundaries. But you are being insecure because here's the difference between insecure and boundaries. It's a secure man will see what you have to offer, like read the menu and decide if he will stay or leave.

• 19:11Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 19:11Sadia Khan?

  An insecure man will say, you need to do this, you need to do this, rather than just saying, you are who you are. I'm gonna have to leave.

• 19:17Lewis Howes?

  You're not right for me.

• 19:17Sadia Khan?

  You're not right for me.

• 19:18Lewis Howes?

  Why do we try to change people from who they are to fit our world?

• 19:23Sadia Khan?

  Because we're too insecure to walk away.

• 19:25Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 19:25Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, when we develop the willingness to walk away, we actually love people for who they are. You know, you know what? You're always out in the club all day, but you actually like that you're really lively and extra. But it doesn't work for me. But when I'm insecure, it's like, please be something else because I can't walk away from this. I can't find anybody else. So I'm always holding them by the throat, begging them to be a better person because I don't have the strength to know when to walk away.

• 19:49Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 19:49Sadia Khan?

  So that's when we force people.

• 19:50Lewis Howes?

  I've been both of those in the past.

• 19:51Sadia Khan?

  I've been, yeah, yeah. And it's so much nicer when you can become the person that just says, it's okay. You be you.

• 19:57Lewis Howes?

  We don't need to be the other.

• 19:58Sadia Khan?

  It's okay. And there's other humans in the world.

• 20:01Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 20:01Sadia Khan?

  So you can keep it moving. And that's what the the boundary is between a secure and insecure, man or woman. Yeah, and waiting for them to change is just waiting for the divorce.

• 20:11Lewis Howes?

  When women think that a man will change in the future, like he's got so much potential. He's so great here and here and oh, I love his family so much. They've welcomed me in. But there's these two or three things that I just, man, maybe one day he'll change.

• 20:25Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 20:25Lewis Howes?

  What typically happens in that relationship?

• 20:27Sadia Khan?

  Uh, they've fallen in love with their imagination. And when reality strikes, and unfortunately, reality strikes.

• 20:35Sadia Khan?

  At some point, reality strikes when we fall in love with our imagination, which we're very capable of doing, particularly if we've been traumatized. One thing with traumatized people is that their imagination and reality can get blurred. When we fall in love with our imagination, unfortunately, life will keep testing you and reality testing will keep occurring until you're forced to face the person they truly are. And it's usually kids or 10 years later or something like that. And then they'll say, they'll act like, you know, I didn't know he was like this. He came out of nowhere. How can he's like this? But really, they showed you who they were from day one. They always showed you. You fell in love with your imagination and now you're angry that your imagination is not reality based. So unfortunately, it doesn't end well.

• 21:17Sadia Khan?

  It's better to just be, accept the person for who they are, flaws and all, than to live in the illusion that they're going to change.

• 21:24Lewis Howes?

  Before you marry and get committed at that level.

• 21:26Sadia Khan?

  Absolutely.

• 21:27Lewis Howes?

  What is, from the people that I, the women that I've talked to, who have been married and divorced, I always like to ask this question.

• 21:37Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 21:37Lewis Howes?

  Did you know, before you got married, that it probably wasn't the right person? Like somewhere inside, you knew, or maybe you actually knew, but you just were too far along and you went through with it, thinking you would change.

• 21:48Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 21:49Lewis Howes?

  Probably 95% of them said, yes, I knew. I knew the day I got married. I knew the week before. I knew afterwards. But I tried to make it work anyways.

• 21:58Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 21:59Lewis Howes?

  Why do you think so many women get married knowing it's the wrong man?

• 22:04Sadia Khan?

  I think what happens is a biological pressure to become, it's something we can't escape. And I think no matter how many holidays we can kid ourselves with and how many career opportunities and how many alternatives, there's a biological thing that kicks in with women, late twenties even. It doesn't have to wait till people think it happens really late. It doesn't. It happens quite early on that where they start to think that they need to know what the future will look like. To ease their anxiety, even if they're not gonna have kids today, to ease their anxiety that they will become a mother, they just wanna settle down. They just wanna get, tick that box. And in the process of kind of submitting to the evolutionary pressures and societal pressures, they overlook the red flags. And sometimes it's not the man that's the issue.

• 22:49Sadia Khan?

  They knew themselves that they're not ready for marriage. They know themselves they're not very good at conflict, or they know they know themselves they're still attached to an ex. But the pressure to settle down that they apply on themselves and their body kind of cause for causes them to walk down the aisle, knowing what the result will be. Do men have that too?

• 23:07Lewis Howes?

  I don't ask men that question as much.

• 23:08Sadia Khan?

  What I've found with men is they can sometimes know that they're not marrying the right person. But usually because these men, they tend to be okay with accepting the monotony of marriage. Those men that walk down the aisle, knowing it's not the right person, they tend to be like, it's not the right person, but I'm okay with settling down and I I accept the bland reality of marriage. They've succumbed to it. But with women who know they will eventually go in like, ask for the divorce. Men are happy to stay married, even if they're not madly in love or not madly happy, if they're that kind of guy.

• 23:42Lewis Howes?

  Who files for divorce more, men or women?

• 23:44Sadia Khan?

  Women, yeah.

• 23:45Lewis Howes?

  Why is that?

• 23:46Sadia Khan?

  A lot of the time it's a cry for help. There's been so many times where women say to me, it's like, oh, I told him I wanted divorce, but hoping he'd come back for me. But he let me pack my bags. And so sometimes they file for divorce or take it that far as a way of testing their partner. And if they're with quite a healthy partner, they'll take your word as gospel and they think you mean it.

• 24:07Lewis Howes?

  Why do so many women try to test their men constantly?

• 24:10Sadia Khan?

  It's an evolutionary thing. It's an evolutionary thing because here's the reality. We are designed to have children with men and childbirth is potentially fatal. We die from childbirth if we were left in, you know, our natural habitat. And so to put that on risk onto a relationship, he better be able to endure all types of storms. So we have to test them. So we have to unfortunately test them. We have to test are they going to be faithful? Are they going to be financially stable? Are they going to be able to like have their own boundaries? We push, we push, we push. Now, the problem is, unfortunately for men, is when we push you and you succumb to us, you automatically lose us.

• 24:55Sadia Khan?

  We, what we're saying when we're pushing you is really make sure you don't give into this. Because if I, if you do, then I know you're not strong enough.

• 25:02Lewis Howes?

  Oh my god, give me an example.

• 25:03Sadia Khan?

  So it might be, it might be something like I push a man to say, I'm gonna come home when I want. I better, I'm gonna come home and do what I want with the girls, wherever. I'm gonna come on girls' trips, I'm gonna do whatever I want. Push you, push you, push you. And then when you actually give in and say, okay, essentially she feels like she's not being protected. So she feels like nobody's governing her.

• 25:22Lewis Howes?

  You don't have a spine.

• 25:23Sadia Khan?

  You're not responding, you're not, you're not responsible. Or she might say, I'm talking to my ex-boyfriend and you say, I don't feel comfortable with that. She went, no, you have to, I have to, I have to. Fine, he accepts it. Essentially, she's saying that you don't mind cakaldry. You don't mind if I have an affair, bye. So essentially, what we're begging for sometimes is the boundary, not the, not the kind of, uh, we're not looking for you to bow down.

• 25:47Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 25:48Sadia Khan?

  So hard for men to figure that out.

• 25:49Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 25:50Sadia Khan?

  I feel so bad for men, it's like, uh, reverse psychology all the time, unfortunately.

• 25:55Lewis Howes?

  Outside of people who are divorced and are responsible for communicating with their exes to co-parent.

• 26:02Sadia Khan?

  To co-parent, yeah.

• 26:04Lewis Howes?

  Do you think it's possible for a man or a woman to speak to an ex-partner as a friend while they're in a new relationship and not, and it not be an issue?

• 26:17Sadia Khan?

  I think it's definitely possible, but it's not necessarily respectful. Here's the thing, it's definitely possible, two people can move past it and they're not into each other and whatever it is, but it's not respectful to your new connection. So you have to choose whether, just because I have the ability to have a very platonic relationship with an ex, doesn't mean I should have the willingness to do it if it disrespects my current relationship or my current partner. Now, if your partner's okay with it, maybe that's different, but I, I just think you should be self-regulated enough to know where your values are based and when you enter a relationship, a part of that, it should be to respect it enough to let go of relationships that don't serve the new relationship in a way that's going to be constructive. What do you think?

• 26:57Lewis Howes?

  I think that's right, yeah, I was gonna ask you, do you think it's, do you think a man or a woman who is not liking if their partner is speaking to their ex-relationship? Does that mean they are jealous and insecure or actually they have self esteem?

• 27:11Sadia Khan?

  I think it's an element of boundaries. I think it's just a case of, I think we naturally desire partners who are self regulated. We naturally want a partner that says, oh, I'm in a relationship now. I love you and I care for you, but I'm in a relationship and I don't want it to affect my new partner. So we naturally want somebody who has that. Now, if we are asking for them to have that, and it doesn't necessarily mean insecurity. It just means that you prioritize the relationship over other relationships that should really be a priority. And a formal relationship outside of children, with children is really important and it's really important to have a healthy relationship. But outside of children, it doesn't have to trigger jealousy, but it would be nice if your partner respected things without you having to avoid them.

• 27:54Lewis Howes?

  Sure, sure.

• 27:55Sadia Khan?

  Would you be okay with somebody speaking to an ex or?

• 27:58Lewis Howes?

  I wouldn't like it.

• 27:59Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 27:59Lewis Howes?

  No, it doesn't mean I, I would feel like, okay, you spoke to your ex, like, why?

• 28:06Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 28:06Lewis Howes?

  I would say, why do you need to?

• 28:07Sadia Khan?

  Doesn't mean they're gonna have an affair.

• 28:09Lewis Howes?

  I wouldn't be insecure about it. I'd be like, talk to whoever you want to.

• 28:12Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 28:12Lewis Howes?

  Because it's not gonna make me insecure as a human, because if you want to be with your ex, then go be with them.

• 28:17Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 28:17Lewis Howes?

  Don't be with me.

• 28:18Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 28:19Lewis Howes?

  But I would just be like, why, why is this necessary? So if there was, it was, you know, they had kids together, that's the only thing that makes sense. But if you just want to hang out and talk to them, I'll go, that doesn't work for me.

• 28:28Sadia Khan?

  It doesn't make any sense.

• 28:29Lewis Howes?

  It doesn't work for me.

• 28:30Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 28:31Lewis Howes?

  Um, and I just want to understand it.

• 28:33Sadia Khan?

  And it's not necessary. Things are necessary and makes total sense.

• 28:36Lewis Howes?

  But what do you need to talk to them?

• 28:37Sadia Khan?

  It's not necessary. That's what I would say to that as well.

• 28:40Lewis Howes?

  I wanted to ask you a question about, um, self control and self esteem.

• 28:48Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 28:50Lewis Howes?

  On a scale of one to 10, for you personally.

• 28:53Sadia Khan?

  Uh huh.

• 28:54Lewis Howes?

  10 being high.

• 28:56Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 28:56Lewis Howes?

  And one being low.

• 28:57Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 28:58Lewis Howes?

  Where are you on self control and personal self esteem?

• 29:03Sadia Khan?

  I would say about a six. I'm not as high as I'd like to be.

• 29:06Lewis Howes?

  On what, self control?

• 29:07Sadia Khan?

  Self control. I've got a lot, I never drink and I don't overeat and I go to the gym and stuff like that, but here's the thing. My self control goes out the window during when I'm angry. I hate to, this is the thing.

• 29:19Lewis Howes?

  What happens when you're angry? When you're triggered and the lioness comes out, what happens?

• 29:24Sadia Khan?

  I'm mean. And so the thing is, all of the thing is, I pray five times, I'll fast in Ramadan, I don't really swear, I don't watch pornography, I don't, all of these things are great. But the thing is, those are really self, like my, what I do for myself. But when I get angry, I hurt the people I love the most. And therefore I can't say my self esteem, my self control is high. And as a result, I can't say my self esteem is high because nothing hurts me more than hurting the people I love. So it's almost like a paradox. But because of my temper, it's gotten better, it gets better. I think I'm just seeing lost energy and like over the years. But when you hurt people because you can't control your tongue, you go back feeling loads of shame and guilt.

• 30:08Lewis Howes?

  Afterwards, you feel bad.

• 30:09Sadia Khan?

  Absolutely. Whereas when you hold your tongue, there's no shame and guilt, zero. So even on a spiritual level, on a religious level, on an emotional level, when you can't control your tongue, what good is it that you can get to the gym at 5am? What good is it that you can avoid carbs for a week? If you're hurting people with your tongue and especially when, this is the problem, when you're like a bit of a, you know, speaker and a, you know, eloquent speaker or whatever it is. You're equally eloquent when you're being horrible.

• 30:35Lewis Howes?

  It hurts even more.

• 30:36Sadia Khan?

  Even more because you're rational.

• 30:40Sadia Khan?

  So awful.

• 30:41Lewis Howes?

  So, so, okay, you said seven on self control, six or seven?

• 30:45Sadia Khan?

  Six or seven because of my temper.

• 30:46Lewis Howes?

  And self esteem, where are you?

• 30:48Sadia Khan?

  I would say six as well, six or seven.

• 30:51Lewis Howes?

  And is it different with your self esteem in your career versus relationships?

• 30:55Sadia Khan?

  I derive no self esteem from my career, zero.

• 30:58Lewis Howes?

  You have no self esteem?

• 30:59Sadia Khan?

  Zero.

• 31:00Lewis Howes?

  Come on.

• 31:00Sadia Khan?

  Isn't that weird?

• 31:01Lewis Howes?

  You wouldn't be able to create content consistently if you had zero self esteem. So you have to have some self esteem.

• 31:06Sadia Khan?

  Confidence. Here's what I do have.

• 31:08Lewis Howes?

  You have confidence?

• 31:08Sadia Khan?

  I have confidence but not self esteem.

• 31:10Lewis Howes?

  What's the difference between the two?

• 31:11Sadia Khan?

  Confidence is my ability to get the job done. I can release a good video, I know that. And I can speak well on a podcast, I know that, whatever it is, self esteem is doing to deserve this level of accolade and notoriety, not really. In my head, no, not really. In my head, it's just like, do I deserve this level of like, because I always say, and I feel bad about this. You know, some people are like manifesting this for years and they've got a team and they've got had a vision board and they've hired somebody. I never thought about being on social media. I have a bunch of spelling errors in every post because I don't even proofread. I literally post while I'm on the treadmill. I take zero pride or energy and it just, praise me to God, just happens to land well. So my confidence is through the roof. I can do it all day, any day. I know that.

• 31:54Sadia Khan?

  Self-esteem wise, there's always an enema and this is why I have the imposter syndrome. This is why I was so nervous when I met you. I was like shaking. I was like, oh. Because I'm confident, but I don't know if I deserve to be here with you. So that's where my self-esteem for some reason doesn't seem to catch up with my confidence. Not yet, anyway.

• 32:11Lewis Howes?

  How do you, how do you have confidence in putting something out?

• 32:16Lewis Howes?

  If you know people are gonna see it though.

• 32:18Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 32:19Lewis Howes?

  You know, when you know people are gonna see it and they're gonna comment on it and they're gonna give critique, good or bad.

• 32:23Sadia Khan?

  Good or bad, yeah.

• 32:24Lewis Howes?

  How do you, how do you have the confidence to put it out there? If you lack the self-esteem to receive whatever comes back.

• 32:29Sadia Khan?

  I think it's just growing up as a punching bag that you're almost prepared for negativity. I think that's what it did. It created me such a thick skin. That it's not that I'm posting because I think I'm so great. It's I'm posting because I can handle the hate. And weirdly, I get so much hate and it's not weirdly, understandably, I get so much hate. And considering I'm relatively like. I'm not out here like trying to like kill your dog. I'm just a two tone whore. But I get such a disproportionate amount of hate for considering my line of work. And it's because it's all, I'm almost ready for it. I'm almost ready for that because I've always received a lot of criticism and a lot of hate. Not just with sisters, just in general, with women in general throughout my life. So because I've always received that.

• 33:09Sadia Khan?

  I have the confidence, because here's the thing, confidence isn't necessarily how great you think you are at something. It's your ability to accept the rejection. So because I have zero concern that you're gonna be offended, or you're gonna be hurt, or you're gonna upset me, that's what pushes me to do it. No, like, it's okay for me. So it's a bit like if I cook something and you didn't love it, I'm okay with that. That makes me confident. Not because, not just because of the positive, but I can accept the worst case scenario. Because I can accept worst case scenario, all the hate, all this, that and the other, that's why I have confidence. But self-esteem doesn't really come from that.

• 33:42Lewis Howes?

  It's like you can accept the worst case scenario, but you can't accept the best case.

• 33:45Sadia Khan?

  Absolutely not. Isn't that so weird?

• 33:47Lewis Howes?

  But you have the confidence to put out stuff consistently.

• 33:49Sadia Khan?

  Such a weirdo.

• 33:50Lewis Howes?

  That's an interesting dynamic.

• 33:53Sadia Khan?

  Weirdo, right? It doesn't, none of it makes sense.

• 33:55Lewis Howes?

  Sadia, what would life be like if you were able to receive all the positive abundance that comes your way? Love, affirmations, generosity, kindness, compliments? What would life feel like if you could truly receive it?

• 34:09Sadia Khan?

  I would sleep better. I think that's the main thing. I would sleep a lot better. I think I constantly have like the micro awakenings because I'm very good at kind of brushing away the anxiety. But your body keeps score of everything. And the amount, the way I kind of sleep, um, is always a signal that you're not at peace. And you haven't accepted the love that's ever been directed towards you. You almost push it away. And you home in on the negative and you sabotage the love in some way, shape or form. And I think if I accepted it in the right way, I would sleep a lot better.

• 34:40Lewis Howes?

  How do you, how do you sleep right now?

• 34:42Sadia Khan?

  Terribly. Yeah. I love it in L A because I've got a jet lag. So I'm, for some reason, I'm gonna sleep at eight P M and waking up before I am. But in the real world, I have to numb myself into sleep.

• 34:52Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 34:52Sadia Khan?

  So I have to watch something that will distract me from my thoughts. I have to, I, I can't be alone with myself. So I have to keep noise on. I have to watch something. I have to distract, trick myself into falling asleep. But just a gentle rest will never come to me. Isn't that weird?

• 35:07Lewis Howes?

  And it's not weird because for thirty years I couldn't sleep.

• 35:10Sadia Khan?

  What did you do instead?

• 35:12Lewis Howes?

  It's a trauma response to, to feeling like something's gonna happen. Yeah, unsafe, like.

• 35:18Sadia Khan?

  They did a study.

• 35:19Lewis Howes?

  I used to wake up in the middle of the night screaming, crying at the top of my lungs, uh, until my mom would come in, probably till I was like nine or ten.

• 35:26Sadia Khan?

  And what was it, dreams or like that would make you like?

• 35:29Lewis Howes?

  Um, I think my nervous system was so on high alert from not feeling emotionally safe or physically safe in some ways. Not necessarily because I felt like my parents were gonna do something to me, but I just didn't. When you're emotionally unsafe, you typically are physically feel, your body feels unsafe.

• 35:45Sadia Khan?

  You can't trick it.

• 35:47Lewis Howes?

  You know, I'm like, okay, I'm not worried about what's around my surroundings. You're always kind of like looking around and being like, what is that? What is that?

• 35:53Sadia Khan?

  I know.

• 35:54Lewis Howes?

  And so it would take me a while to go to sleep, right? An hour and a half a night. I would lay there, try to sleep, I couldn't do it. And I would just be ruminating on my thoughts, fears, insecurities, doubts, traumas. And I would just wake up screaming.

• 36:09Sadia Khan?

  Wow, how old were you when that was?

• 36:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, from five to probably nine or 10.

• 36:13Sadia Khan?

  So big enough to like not be screaming?

• 36:15Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it was like I was two.

• 36:17Sadia Khan?

  Baby.

• 36:17Lewis Howes?

  And I was still wasn't able to sleep until I hit 30.

• 36:22Sadia Khan?

  Wow.

• 36:24Lewis Howes?

  I mean, I could sleep, but it would take me an hour.

• 36:26Sadia Khan?

  Your body would be exhausted, but your mind wouldn't.

• 36:28Lewis Howes?

  And I would stay up super late because I just couldn't sleep and I was worried. And so I had a lot of anxiety, anxious thoughts. And I started to sleep better when I started to heal the biggest traumas from the past. And then I started to sleep in five minutes.

• 36:42Sadia Khan?

  Oh, amazing.

• 36:43Lewis Howes?

  It was like, wow.

• 36:44Sadia Khan?

  Right?

• 36:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, but it was, you know.

• 36:46Sadia Khan?

  That's an evolutionary thing because we used to sleep in like hunter gatherer times where there'd be predators and stuff. Only when we feel safe could we sleep well. And they did studies on the Amish community. Joanne Hari writes about this where in because they're collectivists and they all work together and they're all one group. They literally sleep like constantly in deep sleep. So they get a full sleep because they know they're so protected. Whereas in Western cultures where people are isolated, they sleep, they have the highest rates of insomnia. Yeah, so it's actually biological.

• 37:15Lewis Howes?

  Being from Ohio, I've, you know, Amish country is in Ohio.

• 37:19Sadia Khan?

  Oh, really?

• 37:19Lewis Howes?

  This Amish community is there.

• 37:20Sadia Khan?

  I didn't know that, yeah.

• 37:21Lewis Howes?

  They're throughout the Midwest, but I've, you know, you drive through Ohio and you'll see different Amish communities where it's literally, they're driving around in horse and carriage.

• 37:32Sadia Khan?

  Wow.

• 37:32Lewis Howes?

  They don't use electrics, electricity, they don't use certain tools.

• 37:37Sadia Khan?

  Right.

• 37:38Lewis Howes?

  It's like hammer and saw.

• 37:39Sadia Khan?

  Oh, wow.

• 37:40Lewis Howes?

  And simple clothes, you know, work on a farm and they're usually selling something, you know.

• 37:46Sadia Khan?

  And they seem wild.

• 37:47Lewis Howes?

  You'll watch it, it's kind of like, it's fascinating. So it looks like you're going back in time for a hundred years. And I have a lot of respect for the Amish community, for the community that they work together, they share together, they give together, and they're all working together. They're they're doing something physical. The kids are out and they're doing something, but they're around the parents close by, at least from my observation. And I can imagine if you're outside in nature, working hard all day long, you're gonna pass out.

• 38:17Sadia Khan?

  Of course.

• 38:18Lewis Howes?

  You'd be like, oh.

• 38:19Sadia Khan?

  And so much trust, you're okay, your identity is so spread along the whole community that you're getting the Jewish community do this really well as well. Yeah, they share responsibility to children and they like raise each other. So they have this ability to not rely on their own um kind of a compliment to determine their self-esteem. As long as the group is good, they feel good. So you spread it out and therefore it's very difficult to have an identity crisis. Because it's not all about you. Isn't it amazing?

• 38:44Lewis Howes?

  It's very hard to be bored. It's very hard to be.

• 38:46Sadia Khan?

  It's hard to feel, hard to feel depressed, hard to feel lonely, hard to feel all the things that are actually quite toxic. And they they create a buffer for it. Yeah, it's amazing.

• 38:55Lewis Howes?

  Do you think, how many people in relationships do you feel like they feel alone in the relationship?

• 39:01Sadia Khan?

  I would say particularly in the cultures where we live now, I think majority of them feel alone. And the reason being is, and Esther Perrow really highlights this well, is that we've got all of our needs, like our social, emotional, cognitive, all of this, we're putting it all on one person. And when they can't feel all those needs, we start to feel alone. Whereas before, we would have a community, we'd spread all of those needs across different people. And as a result, we wouldn't blame our partner for our lonely kind of uh uh experiences. So I think, and I notice this particularly with housewives in uh in Western communities, what happens with housewives is because they're feeling under kind of, they haven't fulfilled their potential completely in their mind, I'm not saying that they haven't, but in their mind,

• 39:44Sadia Khan?

  they feel lonely, they feel super lonely because they almost feel like they're a slave to the child for the first couple of years. And whereas before in our mom's generation and their generation, there'd be so many other moms, there'd be so many stay-at-home moms, so many aunts, uncles, everybody would be close to by, that child-rearing wasn't so difficult. Now you have to do it totally alone. So they end up finding it really difficult and they feel really lonely and they resent their husband as a result. Because if you just share it with somebody and he's usually gone to work or something, so they end up resenting and it causes a little rift.

• 40:13Lewis Howes?

  Why do you think uh new moms? Like to do it alone versus do it with support.

• 40:20Sadia Khan?

  Um.

• 40:20Lewis Howes?

  Parenting.

• 40:21Sadia Khan?

  Because we've created individualistic societies. What's happened is we don't trust people anymore. We see people as predators. Whereas in other societies, they literally share breastfeeding. They're like, give me your baby, put it on there. And they do stuff like that. They raise them, they pay for them, they do everything. So we've always created a fear of connection. We're free, a fear of sharing responsibility. And understandably, because the world's a bit of a messy place. So because what happens is they wanna take sole responsibility, but then they're overburdened. And then they're angry as a result. So it's a really tricky scenario for them. Yeah.

• 40:55Lewis Howes?

  Knowing what you know.

• 40:56Sadia Khan?

  Uh huh.

• 40:57Lewis Howes?

  And what you've studied and what you've heard from men and women in relationships. And what you've heard from moms, even though you're not a mom yet.

• 41:04Lewis Howes?

  What is it that you think you need to take responsibility for to set yourself up for a healthy, conscious love with a, with a partner, but also as a mom? So you're not resentful, you're not lonely, you're not angry at your partner. What do you think you get to work on for yourself?

• 41:22Sadia Khan?

  I think in order to be that mom that's present and able to soothe that child, you have to ensure that there are no wounds within yourself that you're going to project onto that child or require your husband to feel for you. Um, when you've still got these unmet wounds, what will happen is you'll either mollycuddle and over kind of attach it.

• 41:41Lewis Howes?

  Overprotect or what?

• 41:42Sadia Khan?

  Smother, overprotect, overprotect, not allow them to experience emotion. Project your fears onto them and say, oh, don't touch this, everything's scary. Or you will neglect one or the other. And both of them are equally damaging. You're either passing on anxiety or you're passing on avoidance and, you know, distance. So I think until you heal those wounds, as much as you might wanna be a mom, myself included, it's better to reserve it to a time where you can do that child justice because we always can't redo their childhood.

• 42:11Lewis Howes?

  What's the part of you that feels like there's something that I'm still holding on to? I get to heal, I get to transform, I get to process so that you can step into motherhood one day?

• 42:21Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 42:22Lewis Howes?

  Of being, you know, the best mom you can be.

• 42:24Sadia Khan?

  God willing. I think when I am around children, what I learn and why I love them so, so much is the only environment where I don't feel judged. Because children don't really judge you. They just kind of like use you.

• 42:37Lewis Howes?

  Just play and have fun.

• 42:38Sadia Khan?

  And stuff. And I remember being around twenty one years old and going to like a kid's party and just having the time of my life with these four year olds. And they must have thought I was like some kind of, I need to be on a register of some sort because I was just so obsessed with them. But because I'm always felt so judged and rejected, I always felt almost really at home with children, really loved and at home with children. And I didn't want to kind of make that the responsibility of having a child, for me to feel cushioned and for me to feel at home. And for me to feel like I've got an insurance policy for, I've got an emotional connection for the rest of my life. So I think now that I've been out into the real world, I think in a way it's been really healing because I've learnt that I actually am maybe not as bad as I think I am.

• 43:22Sadia Khan?

  And I'm not as hated as I think I'm actually really appreciated. And therefore I don't need to rely on this child to heal a wound that they didn't create.

• 43:30Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 43:31Sadia Khan?

  God willing.

• 43:32Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 43:32Sadia Khan?

  God, if I become a mom, God willing.

• 43:35Lewis Howes?

  This has been really inspiring, Sadie. I'm grateful for your, your, your conversation.

• 43:40Sadia Khan?

  No, and I, like I said to you earlier, I'm so grateful that you've provided society with an alternative to Netflix, an alternative to TV. It's just so impressive and you're doing such a service to so many people by providing them an alternative. So I really, really appreciate this opportunity.

• 43:55Lewis Howes?

  I appreciate it. Yeah, we, you know, we've got a great team that's doing a lot of the effort and the work behind the scenes to make this possible and. Yeah, this has been inspiring. How can we be of service to you today? How can we support you? Where can we follow you?

• 44:10Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 44:10Lewis Howes?

  Where would we like to direct people more about? If they're loving this conversation, how can they get more from you?

• 44:15Sadia Khan?

  I still do one to ones. So I at Sadia Psychology on Instagram, YouTube and TikTok. Still do one to ones. I also have a Patreon. If you have a quick question you want to ask me, I'm always available. And I put all of my extended content on there. And yeah, you can just pretty much see me on most people's TikTok feeds. Unfortunately, I'm so, so sorry. I keep popping up. Even I get annoyed. I see my face and I'm like, oh God, go away. So I do apologize. I happen to be everywhere, but unfortunately you'll probably see me in most places.

• 44:45Lewis Howes?

  You should be everywhere.

• 44:46Sadia Khan?

  Unfortunately, so yeah. So thank you again so much for the opportunity.

• 44:49Lewis Howes?

  Of course. Sadia Psychology on Instagram. Is it sadiaspsychology.com as well?

• 44:55Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, my, my, um, my website.

• 44:58Lewis Howes?

  Your website, sadiaspsychology.com as well. Yeah, on YouTube also. I'm sure you'll have a lot more stuff coming out in the future. Uh, this is a question I ask everyone towards the end called the three truths.

• 45:07Sadia Khan?

  Okay.

• 45:08Lewis Howes?

  So imagine a hypothetical scenario. You get to live as long as you want, Sadia, but it's your last day on earth.

• 45:13Sadia Khan?

  Uh huh.

• 45:14Lewis Howes?

  You have the family, the kids, the career, the relationship, everything you want happens.

• 45:18Sadia Khan?

  Right.

• 45:20Lewis Howes?

  But for whatever reason, all of your content has to go with you on your last day.

• 45:23Sadia Khan?

  Right.

• 45:24Lewis Howes?

  So no one has access to this information or anything you ever create in the world. But you get to leave behind a message with, that shares your three lessons to the world, your three truths. What would those three truths be for you?

• 45:37Sadia Khan?

  Uh, I would like to express my appreciation to God for creating a set of values that I could have never found by myself in the world that we live in today. So had he not sent his message, I would have been very lost. Um, the other truth I would say is the importance of connection with family and children. Children are really, really healing and important. And if we don't nurture them, unfortunately, we create the members of societies we grow onto hate. So nurture children as much as possible and practice self-control. I would always say practice self, self-control is self-healing. So if you can form a way of practicing self-control, I promise you it's an investment in your future self that you'll appreciate.

• 46:16Lewis Howes?

  Hey, I love that. Um, before I ask the final question, Sadia, I want to acknowledge you. I know you're probably not gonna like me now.

• 46:22Sadia Khan?

  I hate this part.

• 46:23Lewis Howes?

  You're not gonna like me. Maybe you don't want to come back on after this.

• 46:25Sadia Khan?

  Give me an insult after.

• 46:27Lewis Howes?

  Cause I'm an acapella, you know? Your healing journey is gonna, you know? Start and continue when you allow love in, when you allow compliments and acknowledgement in. And so, maybe you won't do it right now, but I want to acknowledge you, Sadia, for your wisdom. You know, your experience, the challenges that you've been through and are still going through to be able to have a perspective that can share and support people. And there's, you know, things that you said today that I think will help a lot of people open their eyes. Some things will land, other things won't land.

• 47:01Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 47:02Lewis Howes?

  Some things are going to resonate deeply and help people overcome a pain in their life. And other things, they may say, that doesn't work for me.

• 47:08Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 47:08Lewis Howes?

  Be the way I acknowledge you for getting out of your comfort zone.

• 47:11Sadia Khan?

  Uh huh.

• 47:12Lewis Howes?

  Um, leaning into your confidence. And, and being consistent by sharing this information with others because it is making an impact. So I really appreciate it. I acknowledge you. And the only thing you're allowed to say is thank you.

• 47:26Sadia Khan?

  Thank you.

• 47:28Lewis Howes?

  That's your practice.

• 47:29Sadia Khan?

  That was a struggle. Yeah, thank you.

• 47:30Lewis Howes?

  Of course.

• 47:31Sadia Khan?

  And I was trying my hardest to believe in, can you believe that my mind starts to believe that you don't mean what you're saying as you're speaking? Isn't that terrible? But I will work on that and I promise you, when I, when I see you again, I will work on this.

• 47:42Lewis Howes?

  Perfect. That's your, that's your homework.

• 47:44Sadia Khan?

  That's my homework.

• 47:45Lewis Howes?

  That's your exercise.

• 47:46Sadia Khan?

  Thank you so much. I do appreciate that.

• 47:48Lewis Howes?

  Um, okay, Sadia, final question, what's your definition of greatness?

• 47:52Sadia Khan?

  Um, fulfilling your potential in whatever area that may be and not relying on highs to soothe your anxieties.

• 48:00Lewis Howes?

  I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast. If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcast and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels, at Lewis Howes. I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better. And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life, then Make sure to sign up for the Greatness Newsletter and get it delivered right to

• 48:45Lewis Howes?

  your inbox over at greatness.com/newsletter. And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.