JAKE SHANE: “I Was Scared People Would Find Out Who I Am”

Jay sits down with Jake Shane for a candid conversation about fame, anxiety, OCD, dating, body image, and the pressure of living online. Together, they unpack what it takes to stay grounded when your life is constantly on display and why the hardest relationship to navigate is often the one you have with yourself. We all face moments when comparison, self-doubt, or the opinions of others begin to shape how we see ourselves. This conversation is an invitation to reconnect with who you are beneath the pressure, and to remember that your worth has never depended on perfection or applause. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty A State Farm agent can help you choose the coverage you need. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Visit: https://www.statefarm.com/ Use code PURPOSE10 for 10% ataltrarunning.com/onpurpose. Free Shipping and Free 30-Day Trial. Visit: https://www.altrarunning.com/ On Purpose is now Netflix and Spotify exclusive http://www.netflix.com/onpurposewithjayshetty https://open.spotify.com/show/5EqqB52m2bsr4k1Ii7sStc?si=33f7898fb334437c JAY’S DAILY WISDOM DELIVERED STRAIGHT TO YOUR INBOX Join 900,000+ readers discovering how small daily shifts create big life change with my free newsletter. Subscribe https://news.jayshetty.me/subscribe Check out our Apple subscription to unlock bonus content of On Purpose! https://lnk.to/JayShettyPodcast What We Discuss: 00:00:00 Intro 00:01:55 The Habit That Changed My Life 00:02:38 What Should You Actually Journal? 00:03:28 Get Your Thoughts Out of Your Head 00:04:26 Understanding Confession OCD 00:04:50 Creating a Safe Space 00:05:43 What If I Become Unrelatable? 00:07:26 What Would Younger You Think? 00:08:25 Right vs. Wrong 00:09:38 Talking About Private People 00:10:32 Dating as a Gay Man 00:12:24 Transforming Your Body 00:13:15 Making Peace With Your Past 00:15:41 Choosing the Right People Around You 00:17:22 Learning to Be Misunderstood 00:20:24 The Healing Power of Sitting in the Shower 00:22:26 What Weed Really Does to Your Brain 00:23:26 Keep Something Just for You 00:24:52 When People Don't Like You 00:29:00 Internet Drama Isn't Worth It 00:30:33 Don't Profit From Misfortune 00:31:28 The Truth About Cancel Culture 00:32:30 Gossip Stays Private 00:33:03 The Three Rules of Gossip 00:34:50 What Is a Crash Out? 00:35:50 My Three-Month Crash Out 00:37:22 Functioning Through a Crash Out 00:38:58 Facing Your Biggest Fear 00:41:15 When Public Opinion Hurts 00:43:27 Finding Your Spark Again 00:44:29 Does Everyone Know Too Much? 00:48:03 Biggest Dating Red Flags 00:49:37 Living With Constant Criticism 00:51:35 Jake's Dating Rules 00:52:47 The Wild Things We Do for Love 00:53:37 The 72-Hour Rule 00:55:32 Are You Ready for a Relationship? 00:56:29 The Fear of Living Alone 00:57:27 What Makes a Good Friend? 00:59:23 Which One Ruins Your Day More? 01:03:19 Gut Reaction with Jake 01:06:00 Jake on Final Five Episode Resources: YouTube | https://www.youtube.com/@passthatpuss Instagram | https://www.instagram.com/passthatpuss TikTok | https://www.tiktok.com/@octopusslover8 Therapuss | https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/therapuss-with-jake-shane/id1723626781 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

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• 0:43Jay Shetty?

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• 1:26Jay Shetty?

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• 2:06Jay Shetty?

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• 2:49Jay Shetty?

  and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose.

• 3:10Speaker 01

  If one of these things happened to younger Jake, his whole life would be complete and he would be able to be happy and have it be over. I was so fulfilled while I was on Broadway, and then the second it was over, I'm like, well, what now?

• 3:23Jay Shetty?

  Hey, it's Jay. I don't know what your day's been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute. And I hope you're being a little patient with yourself, because you deserve it. And yeah, I'll talk to you soon.

• 3:46Jay Shetty?

  Jake Shane, welcome to On Purpose. It is great to finally have you here. And I've been so excited for this, because ever since I came on your show, I fell in love with you. And every time I see you at a party or an event, whatever it may be, you are the sweetest, kindest person. So thank you for being here.

• 4:01Speaker 01

  Thanks for having me. I've been so excited about this. I'm so happy we finally figured it out and were able to do it.

• 4:07Jay Shetty?

  So we've been trying to schedule dinner for a while.

• 4:09Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 4:10Jay Shetty?

  And it's fallen through. You've had crazy travel. I've had a bit of moving scheduling. And I missed, I think it was your birthday end of last year, October 27th. So I think it's like your half birthday right now, if that's even a thing.

• 4:23Speaker 01

  Oh my God, it is about to be my half birthday.

• 4:25Jay Shetty?

  And so I wanted to offer you a little gift that I got for you. And so what we did is we actually sponsored a real octopus.

• 4:33Speaker 01

  Oh, I know this thing.

• 4:35Jay Shetty?

  The World Wildlife Fund sent us this. And there is now an octopus in your name.

• 4:42Speaker 01

  Wait, really?

• 4:42Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, genuinely, that is now being cared for and taken care of.

• 4:46Speaker 01

  Oh, that's amazing. God, I should stop eating them.

• 4:50Jay Shetty?

  Well, that was the hope, that this would balance it out.

• 4:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:53Jay Shetty?

  That this would balance it out. But Jake, I wanted to ask you, you're having an incredible moment. It's so fun seeing you everywhere. It's so fun seeing you win. It couldn't happen to a better person. What is this chapter of your life called and why?

• 5:08Speaker 01

  It's funny you ask that. I've been journaling so much lately in the like, just, and I never journal, and I've been journaling, and I feel like I'm kind of, you know that part when you're like in the ocean and it's like the calm before a really big wave? That's kind of what I feel like this is. It feels, everyone's like, you're doing so much, everything's happening, everything's happening, but it feels very tame right now, maybe this week specifically. But I don't know if that's just because I just, when I just got off Broadway, that was like a big, whole, big thing. And now it just feels very tame. I don't know what this chapter would be.

• 5:45Jay Shetty?

  Okay. Talk to me about what you're journaling about. Like, when did you start that and what's that been like?

• 5:51Speaker 01

  I started journaling after I had this like time in January where I felt really shitty about myself and I started journaling, like really shitty things. And then somebody was like, you should journal. I think it was, somebody told me that they like to journal to remember things that they would never remember. So like, I saw Jay today and he gave me an octopus. Like just some little things like that, something I wouldn't remember. I would remember doing this interview, but I might not remember the octopus or the breath strips that you have in your bathroom, which is like little things like that that I have just started journaling about. And it helps me like kind of like explain my thoughts out loud in a way like,

• 6:32Speaker 01

  I'm very good at speaking my thoughts, but sometimes journaling helps put them together.

• 6:37Jay Shetty?

  That's very helpful for me to hear too, because I like speaking my thoughts too. I do a lot of audio journaling.

• 6:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:42Jay Shetty?

  But there is something different about writing it down. I think you're so right that we actually miss, I've become friends with someone recently who like probes me and challenges me. And will ask me like, what's the most beautiful thing you saw today?

• 6:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:54Jay Shetty?

  And I'll almost all of a sudden be like, oh crap, I don't even know. And I'm like, wait a minute, I saw lots of beautiful things today. Or I experienced lots of beautiful things today, but because we don't write it down or because we don't share it, like you said, you just forget about it and just disappears.

• 7:09Speaker 01

  I think I also feel like journaling, I'm, everything is going to get exposed or everything is going to come out or everything is going to happen all at once or something, someone's going to find out that like, I'm not like who I say I am or something. And I feel like journaling, like writing it down physically is like the one place where I know my thoughts are safe.

• 7:30Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 7:30Speaker 01

  Like I'm always scared of like my thoughts escaping my head, if that makes sense. It's like, it's like an OCD thing.

• 7:35Jay Shetty?

  Explain, explain.

• 7:36Speaker 01

  It's confession OCD. It's like you feel like you have to, that's why I'm so honest. It's because I feel like I have to tell everybody, every side of who I am, or else somebody will find it and use it against me.

• 7:49Jay Shetty?

  Yes, right.

• 7:50Speaker 01

  Like writing stuff down in a journal is like the one place that it feels safe. Like even typing on a laptop, I'm scared that someone's going to take my laptop.

• 7:56Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 7:57Speaker 01

  Or like, it's like a very paranoid thing.

• 7:59Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah. No, no, that makes sense, especially in today's world. And the hard part now is you're trying to say everything, but not everyone has the ability to listen to everything you ever say. And therefore having a safe space where you can truly be honest with yourself, I'm guessing.

• 8:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:13Jay Shetty?

  Is huge.

• 8:14Speaker 01

  Yeah. And it's, it used to be so much easier. I guess I used to think my podcast was bigger than it was. Because once it went on Netflix and became bigger, people will tell you like, your opinion is wrong. And it, not only is it wrong, it's bad. And like my biggest fear is being like a bad, bad or like bad or doing something wrong. And so like, I've been struggling with like saying, being, everyone's like, oh, you're so relatable. It's like, well, I've had, had trouble being relatable lately because I'm scared of saying the relatable thing is wrong. Do you know what I mean?

• 8:49Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do know what you mean. You're saying that what made you successful was being relatable.

• 8:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:56Jay Shetty?

  And now you're worried that saying that thing is the same thing that's going to be scrutinized because the platform's got so much bigger. Is that right?

• 9:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, people are just like, I don't know. I'm like, I've had a hard time collecting my thoughts lately.

• 9:09Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's hard.

• 9:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:10Jay Shetty?

  But it is hard because I feel like we're so overwhelmed by opinions, feedback, expectations, stats, data, numbers, comments. Like it's, it is an insane amount of data to hold.

• 9:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:24Jay Shetty?

  Like, it's insane.

• 9:26Speaker 01

  It's a lot. And it's, it's, I've been spending more time like kind of, well, I was about to say I was spending more time off my phone, but I haven't. So that's just not, not true.

• 9:36Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I love the honesty.

• 9:37Speaker 01

  But yeah, you asked what this chapter of my life would be called and I, I genuinely don't know. I feel kind of like confused how I got here. And like, kind of confused as to like, what's happening?

• 9:54Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah. That's fair though.

• 9:56Speaker 01

  I also started smoking weed again, so there's that.

• 9:59Jay Shetty?

  This episode is presented by State Farm. We spend so much energy becoming the best version of ourselves, building better habits, showing up more fully, embracing mindfulness. But sometimes the most purposeful thing you can do is just handle the thing you've been putting off. If getting your insurance sorted has been living on that list, State Farm is there to help you choose the coverage that's right for you. Go online at statefarm.com or use the easily accessible app to get help from one of their over 19,000 local agents. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. You just said you just got off Broadway, you know, you're doing a movie, like you've got a TV show coming out. It's like, what would? And we're going to start reprogramming some of these thoughts. I'm intrigued as to where we can go with this.

• 10:44Jay Shetty?

  But like, what is younger Jake feeling about this version of Jake right now?

• 10:50Speaker 01

  Whenever I think about that, it's like, if one of these things happened to younger Jake, it would, his whole life would be complete and it would be, he would be able to be happy and have it be over, essentially. I was so fulfilled while I was on Broadway and I felt, and then the second it was over, I'm like, well, what now? Oh, you're going from doing a show every single night of the week. To doing then nothing. When you're doing a live show, it's almost like unanimous validation. Like, everyone's there because they love you and they see you. But when you're putting something out online, you're kind of like opening it up to people being like, I don't like this. I think that was kind of hard for me. I always felt that way after I got off tour, after I got off Broadway. That's been difficult.

• 11:34Jay Shetty?

  You're not trying to be right, even in what you say. You're just literally giving musings and reflections. And it's almost like, I don't know how you can be wrong.

• 11:43Speaker 01

  It was never that I was trying to be right until somebody was like, wait, you're wrong. And then I was like, wait, I can be wrong.

• 11:48Jay Shetty?

  That's what I mean. Like, I just see you as someone who's like, giving your opinion, being vulnerable, sharing. Like, I'm like, where does right and wrong even come into that?

• 11:56Speaker 01

  I know, and I missed talking about like, my dating life as well. And I feel like I'm not able to do that anymore. Like, Therapists was always like, kind of an outlet for me to like, talk about stuff like that. But then I would see guys and they'd be like, well, I saw on the show. And I was like.

• 12:12Jay Shetty?

  And what would they say to you?

• 12:13Speaker 01

  Like, that they would see, that they would know that I was talking about them on the show.

• 12:17Jay Shetty?

  Oh, okay.

• 12:18Speaker 01

  And because it happens in such real time, that I'm like, I can't talk about it anymore.

• 12:23Jay Shetty?

  And that would upset them because they'd feel exposed, even if you didn't share their name.

• 12:27Speaker 01

  Even if I don't say anything about them, because anyone would feel exposed. I'm like, I don't want to make them, and then I don't want that to prohibit me from, I don't know. I don't know.

• 12:35Jay Shetty?

  Had it improved your dating life, not talking about it on the show?

• 12:37Speaker 01

  Kind of, yeah. A little, yeah.

• 12:40Jay Shetty?

  So that's a good thing, man.

• 12:41Speaker 01

  A little.

• 12:42Jay Shetty?

  Something good came out of it.

• 12:43Speaker 01

  But I miss talking about it. I miss being like, this happened, this happened, yeah, I don't know.

• 12:47Jay Shetty?

  God, that's, yeah, that's, that's a, that's a like predicament right there.

• 12:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:51Jay Shetty?

  Like, which way do you go? Which, which way is your heart pulling you right now?

• 12:54Speaker 01

  My heart is saying, if the situation is over, you can speak about it as long as there are no, like, identifying figures to who this person may be.

• 13:06Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 13:06Speaker 01

  Especially if they're private.

• 13:08Jay Shetty?

  Right.

• 13:08Speaker 01

  You know, and so that's like what my, like, heart is telling me. Because I want, I think, like, being gay, it's like, it's a weird experience. It's a weird dating experience. I've always kind of apprided myself in being able to like, talk about how weird it is. And so I think if my, where my heart is telling me is that the situation is over, I can speak about it as long as no one will ever find out who it is. Besides my best friends.

• 13:35Jay Shetty?

  Right.

• 13:36Speaker 01

  Or you, I can tell you right after.

• 13:38Jay Shetty?

  Right after this.

• 13:39Speaker 01

  Because I can't keep my mouth shut.

• 13:40Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, as a straight man, talk to me about what dating is like as a gay man in a way that I would understand it.

• 13:46Speaker 01

  From my experience, a lot of the gay dating scene is, is online. And I think that's where a lot of gay men find, like, community is online. Because they might live their life closeted or, and search for an outlet and have, and that can be on Hinge or whatever dating app. And so when you're on a dating app, like, the first jump is obviously aesthetics and looks. And if you're attracted to this person, of course, there's prompts and you're like, whatever. And the prompts may be charming and whatnot, but it has been for me very visual based.

• 14:25Speaker 01

  And that's like led to a lot of stuff with like my body or being comfortable and all that. But as, yeah, it's, it's, it's been lonely. I would describe it as very lonely.

• 14:40Jay Shetty?

  Wow.

• 14:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:41Jay Shetty?

  Wow, that doesn't sound fun.

• 14:42Speaker 01

  It's not fun. It's very lonely and I know I'm not alone in that experience. And I think, I would always talk about how I wanted a boyfriend on our podcast and how lonely it was to not have one. And then when people started, when other people online started talking about my looks and how, if I was ugly or whatever, my whole bit was complaining that I didn't have a boyfriend, I felt like unvalidated and then I felt like I needed to shut up. And then the whole experience is lonely.

• 15:11Speaker 01

  I didn't make any sense just now.

• 15:12Jay Shetty?

  And, no, no, no, no, I, I get what you're saying.

• 15:14Speaker 01

  I'm like, really trying to find my thoughts.

• 15:16Jay Shetty?

  And I like that, I appreciate it. That's probably one of my favorite things to do on this show is to hear someone actually be vulnerable and open and figure things out. Like, if you can articulate how you feel perfectly, then you're not really thinking about it anymore. It's, it's a conclusion, like, you're already kind of there. And so I like that you're trying to find your way and, and I'm with you all the way. And then obviously you, you show us your incredible new physique at Coachella.

• 15:38Speaker 01

  I know.

• 15:38Jay Shetty?

  And it goes viral and everyone's talking about it.

• 15:41Speaker 01

  And that feels really good, because I've been working for years, for a really, really, really long time on my body. And then it feels good to get a little more male validation from that. So I've discovered that I like, kind of male, being gay and dating feels like I'm experiencing what straight people experience in high school, but now.

• 15:59Jay Shetty?

  Right.

• 16:00Speaker 01

  That's like kind of, I feel like I'm 10 years late.

• 16:02Jay Shetty?

  Got it.

• 16:03Speaker 01

  On like what a 16-year-old girl would experience.

• 16:05Jay Shetty?

  Got it, understood. That, that helps, that, that really helps. And, and it's people like me too. I mean, I'll just be, I, I DM Jake straight away, go, I need that workout and that diet now.

• 16:14Speaker 01

  Well, it's, it was a spray tan and angles, but it was also, it was, I've been working really, really hard.

• 16:21Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, we've seen the, the Aloe Gym stories, have you seen me working out? What, what has that experience been like? Like, I think, you know, jokes aside, like, there's a, there's a seriousness. So I was overweight growing up, I was bullied for being overweight. I also grew up in an area that wasn't Indian, so I was bullied for the color of my skin. I know what that feels like. I then was lucky enough to get fit and healthy, do well at school, you know, I've been with my wife now for 13 years or whatever. And it's like, I worked through all of that. For you, what has this journey been like? Where you're like, wait a minute, people are saying these things about me, I'm getting into shape because I'm working out for myself anyway. But now I get validation, it feels good, but I'm the same guy who I was three years ago. Like, talk to me about that.

• 17:05Speaker 01

  It's so funny, I saw a photo of myself from like, two years ago when I was bigger. And it's almost like, I can't believe, and this is just me being completely honest, like, that I lived life looking like that or feeling that way. Because like, and I, and I, and I don't mean to sound horrible in saying that. I feel like I'm a lot more, I, I feel like, if you can tell, I'm like a lot more cautious with what I say nowadays. But um, it, it's like both this feeling of like, I feel so attractive and I feel so proud of my work. And then I get this feeling of like embarrassment that people saw me the, the way I used to look.

• 17:46Jay Shetty?

  Wow.

• 17:46Speaker 01

  Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm like, I get, I'm like, oh my God, like, I didn't even think about it during posting it. It kind of just like happened. My trainer calls it like the iceberg effect, like, one day you just kind of start to look different. And it kind of just goes like, or whatever, which way. It's been weird. It feels very good to get compliments. And then I'm like, I start to base all my happiness and compliments about how I look. And then I'll have this like fake sense of confidence that I'll have from all those compliments. And it'll get shattered by like one old video of me where I didn't, I used to be bigger.

• 18:26Jay Shetty?

  You know, you talk a lot about imposter syndrome and, and that's what you're kind of experiencing now, which is like this. I'm really proud of myself for what I've built and what I'm doing, both career-wise, physically, everything, everything that you're doing. And at the same time, there's this feeling of embarrassment from how you were before or also looking at it as a child and thinking, oh my gosh, Jake, little Jake would have been happy for one of these things, but now I'm unfulfilled. Talk to me about how you get anything done when you are so sensitive. Because I think that says a lot about you, because I think that is a universal thing we all experience. We're all more sensitive than we make it out to be. We're all more affected by negativity than we make it out to be.

• 19:09Jay Shetty?

  But some people get stuff done and some people don't. What's the difference in being sensitive and building as much as you have and getting stuff done versus kind of going, I can't get out of bed today?

• 19:21Speaker 01

  I think it's about the people you surround yourself with. If I was alone every day, I would get nothing done. Thank God I have my roommate Brett. Thank God I have my best friends, Peyton and Julia and Alice and my whole team that makes me feel better about everything. Because if I didn't have them, I wouldn't get anything done. And there's kind of like experiences, like doing Broadway, where it's like, people bought tickets to this, you have to get on stage and you have to do this. No matter what people say. I used to look on Reddit all the time, I don't look on Reddit anymore. I, and then I wouldn't, I moved from Reddit to Twitter, I don't look on Twitter anymore. So like, there's certain things that you can do to help yourself and it's kind of like ignorance is bliss.

• 20:01Speaker 01

  If you have that mindset, like, you have to like go into it, knowing that if something was really, really, really wrong, people will tell you. Like Louise would tell me.

• 20:11Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, so you're almost saying like, limit your exposure to all those things that just increase your sensitivity to a point that you just can't be yourself anymore.

• 20:20Speaker 01

  Which is hard though, because a lot of my humor is very self-deprecating and I would take a lot of those things, but it's gotten hard to look at. Cause it's gotten like real specific and real nasty.

• 20:31Jay Shetty?

  Really? Like what's, what's been the one that that gets to you the most?

• 20:34Speaker 01

  That I'm like, uh, bad spirited.

• 20:37Jay Shetty?

  Wow.

• 20:37Speaker 01

  Or like, I have like a bad heart or like, I'm not a good person. That is the one that always like really, really kills me. Like, cause I feel that way about myself all the time.

• 20:48Jay Shetty?

  That you are.

• 20:49Speaker 01

  That I'm a bad person. It's like, you know, I, I, I was talking to my therapist about it. It is like a form of OCD. Um, just feeling like you're dirty and like a bad person and like your thoughts are bad and like everything about you is like. I think that's like, kind of like, um, a trail of OCD that you see it in people that are very clean. And see it in people who have intrusive thoughts. Like, it's like those things about being infected. So when I read something about me being a bad person, that really upsets me. And I can read anything about me being bad at my job. That I don't care about. I really, I thought if someone said I was bad at my job, it would hurt me more than it does, but it really doesn't. It's more about who I am as a person that really kills me.

• 21:34Jay Shetty?

  By the way, I feel the same way as you do. If someone thinks that I'm like inherently a bad person.

• 21:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:39Jay Shetty?

  It like hurts me to my core because I can see all of myself.

• 21:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:44Jay Shetty?

  Like I've seen the shadow sides of myself.

• 21:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:47Jay Shetty?

  And I've seen the good sides of myself. And it's almost easier if you never thought there was anything bad about you because then you wouldn't even believe it.

• 21:54Speaker 01

  Right.

• 21:54Jay Shetty?

  But I wanna be able to see what I need to work on and I wanna be able to see the parts of myself I need to improve. But it gets to like a really dangerous murky place when everyone who doesn't know you and has never met you thinks you might be a bad person.

• 22:06Speaker 01

  Right.

• 22:07Jay Shetty?

  And then, and then like, God, what do you do with that?

• 22:09Speaker 01

  The thing that I remind myself is that like my friends wouldn't be my friends if I was a bad person, cause my friends are good people. That's the one thing that I'll always remind myself is like, well, I've had the same friends for ten, almost ten years now. And they would tell me if something shifted in me. I don't need Twitter to tell me if something shifted in me, cause Brett would tell me.

• 22:29Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I love that. I, I think the idea that the people that know you most deeply, most intimately, who've actually seen you when you're hangry, stressed, tired.

• 22:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:38Jay Shetty?

  They're the ones who can actually tell you where you're at.

• 22:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:41Jay Shetty?

  And someone who's only seen one clip of you or one video of you doesn't really have a, have a picture of who you are in life. And it's, that's a great one. And I love, I mean, I love the people around you. I mean, Peyton obviously is one of my, I have to give a shout out to Peyton.

• 22:53Speaker 01

  We have to. Peyton loves Jay more than life itself.

• 22:57Jay Shetty?

  I have to give my shout. I love you too, Peyton. You're the best.

• 23:00Speaker 01

  Peyton is the best.

• 23:01Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, she's awesome. And like everyone that you're surrounded by, like I've, I've loved meeting the people you're around as well. And it was evident when I came on the show. And for anyone who's wondering, Jake is not a bad dude. So just throwing it out there. Like whether I see you at a party, an event, whether we're texting, whatever it is, like you're always the same. You're always the kindest and the sweetest and

• 23:20Speaker 01

  Thank you. I appreciate it.

• 23:21Jay Shetty?

  And you're a good person. You're a good guy. So for whatever it's worth.

• 23:23Speaker 01

  I did need to hear that. So thank you.

• 23:25Jay Shetty?

  I'm throwing it out there.

• 23:26Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 23:27Jay Shetty?

  As you said, you share so much of your life online. You're having to be a bit more careful, especially in the dating area. What's something that you think you're discovering about yourself that you haven't yet fully talked about publicly? Like things that are new things that are coming up where you're like, oh, I, I kinda just discovered this last weekend and I want people to know about it. Or I'm, I'm learning this new thing about myself that people might be surprised to know.

• 23:49Speaker 01

  I love sitting in the shower.

• 23:51Jay Shetty?

  Sitting in the shower.

• 23:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, and laying down in the shower.

• 23:53Jay Shetty?

  Do you take like a stool?

• 23:54Speaker 01

  No, I just sit on the ground.

• 23:55Jay Shetty?

  So how long will you sit in the shower for?

• 23:57Speaker 01

  Thirty minutes.

• 23:58Jay Shetty?

  Wow. And what do you do?

• 23:59Speaker 01

  Just listening to music.

• 24:00Jay Shetty?

  Okay.

• 24:01Speaker 01

  I think what I discovered lately about myself is that writing stuff down is so fun. Because nobody can get that, get to it besides you. There's no computer bug that can get inside your computer and get what you're writing. Like that is on paper. Like that is for you. Like those are, your journal is really like your brain. Like it is so like, unless somebody came into your room and took your journal out and started reading it, which feels way more invasive than like a computer bug.

• 24:33Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 24:33Speaker 01

  Cause I feel like as a society, we're accustomed to people like hacking other people. And like, that's always like a fear I've, that I've had, which I know is an OCD thing, but, um, journaling, I've really, really been journaling a lot lately. And I've discovered that that's really, really good for me. And that weed probably isn't.

• 24:52Jay Shetty?

  This seems to be like a running trend right now. This discovery that weed is not good for you.

• 24:56Speaker 01

  Yeah. And I've also discovered that when I'm feeling confident about myself, my body is shaved. I like groom myself properly. Like I take care of myself. And when I'm not, it's like not, and I feel gross.

• 25:09Jay Shetty?

  And how's that connected to weed?

• 25:10Speaker 01

  Cause when I'm smoking more, I feel gross more often.

• 25:13Jay Shetty?

  Right. I got my brain scanned by Dr. Daniel Amon. I don't know if you've ever done that.

• 25:17Speaker 01

  I've heard of him. I wanna do it. My friend's done it.

• 25:19Jay Shetty?

  You should definitely go and do it because I think he'll be able to talk to you about at least what weed's doing to your brain.

• 25:24Speaker 01

  I know.

• 25:24Jay Shetty?

  And then you'll be able to see the difference. Then with that visual kinda like sticks in your head. Cause you're like, oh, wow. Like that's what's going on.

• 25:31Speaker 01

  Well, when we talked.

• 25:32Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 25:32Speaker 01

  I think I was sober from weed. I don't think I was smoking at the time.

• 25:36Jay Shetty?

  Interesting. What took you back to it?

• 25:38Speaker 01

  I wanted to look cool in front of this person. And so I started smoking again and it just slowly but surely it was like, but it makes me so creative.

• 25:47Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 25:48Speaker 01

  I make my like funniest, I get really, I get, there's like twenty minutes of like, like where like no one can tell me shit. And like I am the funniest person in the world to myself.

• 25:59Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 26:00Speaker 01

  And I'm almost brought back to like the days of like where I was first posting on the internet. And like that type of humor that I elicited. And that's like kind of what I love about smoking weed. But then, and there's the twenty minutes after that where I feel like shit.

• 26:16Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. Is that where all the dance videos are coming back and everything?

• 26:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's, that's, I'm always high when I'm dancing.

• 26:21Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 26:21Speaker 01

  I'm always high.

• 26:23Jay Shetty?

  That's so good. And yeah, I mean, that's like a, that's a great conversation to have with someone like Dr. Daniel Amon, actually, I feel like. Cause he's like, he knows, he knows the benefits of the creativity, but they know everything else that you're feeling. And it's, it's a fascinating thing. I wanna go back to the journal thing because I think what you're saying is I feel like as your life gets more public.

• 26:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:42Jay Shetty?

  Your private life becomes more important. And I always say to people, I'm always like, my private life's better than my public life. So if someone thinks my public life is good, which, which I think it looks good, I'm like, my private life is way better. And I keep it to myself because you almost need, it's a weird one because you're like, I built my whole career on sharing everything and that's what's been so cool. But it's almost like there is a beauty in having something that's just yours.

• 27:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:06Jay Shetty?

  And that's what your journal represents.

• 27:08Speaker 01

  Yeah. And I always kind of had this like false dream of like celebrity and what that meant. And I always thought it was cool when someone was so, wanted to know about your private life. And I think I'm coming into realizing that it's not this glamorous thing that I've built up in my head. For people to like speculate on your private life in this, like I always grew up thinking that it was like so cool. Like all these like women, people would be like, who are they dating? What's going on with them? And I, I, I always thought it would make me feel more attractive almost if people like wondered about who I was dating.

• 27:50Speaker 01

  But then if someone wonders about who I'm dating and they think that I'm too ugly for that person, then that like, you know, I didn't think about the downside. I don't know if I'm making sense.

• 28:00Jay Shetty?

  That is making so much sense. But what's so fascinating about it is that when you're consuming that content, like if someone's,

• 28:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:07Jay Shetty?

  If someone's on Instagram and they see, oh, so and so is dating or whatever, like, oh, is this person good looking enough for this person? Whatever it is, right? If someone sees that, we all love that, right? Like we will get addicted to it. We're talking about with our friends. We're like, can you believe so and so are together now? Like whatever. But when you're going through it, it's the worst experience in the world. I've, I've coached so many of my clients through public divorces or moments, or whatever it may be. And I will say it right now, like those people, no matter how rich they are, no matter how much, how famous they are, no matter how successful they are, having your divorce or breakup happen publicly is not easy and not fun in any way.

• 28:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:45Jay Shetty?

  And it doesn't matter how much money you have. So what I'm hearing is, I agree with you. I think when you hear about people, you're like, oh, they're so desirable. They're so can,

• 28:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:52Jay Shetty?

  you know, mysterious and that's so cool. And then when you're the mysterious desirable one.

• 28:57Speaker 01

  And I don't think I've ever really been that, but I've had moments where I've like maybe hopefully felt like that and then, but I immediately feel the downside. And I think, and I've always struggled with this, is I want everyone to like me. Always. I can't take when someone doesn't like me. It was always hard for me to not have people like me in my personal life. But then when that's your job as well and people don't like you and you kinda just have to like keep it moving with, and you can't like, When I grew up, if someone didn't like me, I would try to handle why they didn't like me. But when you're a public figure and you're putting out a show, if someone doesn't like you, you can't address every single person that doesn't like you.

• 29:35Jay Shetty?

  Of course.

• 29:35Speaker 01

  You have to just keep it moving.

• 29:36Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 29:36Speaker 01

  And I think that's what I've been trying to, I've been struggling with.

• 29:39Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I, I remember that when, when I feel like I first came into more notoriety or people being aware of who I was and I wanted to like sit every person down.

• 29:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:52Jay Shetty?

  Who didn't like me and I wish I could like set a day where I just sat with each person one on one and like held their hands and looked into their eyes and was like, let's talk.

• 30:00Speaker 01

  Right.

• 30:01Jay Shetty?

  Because I want to, but you can't do that.

• 30:02Speaker 01

  No.

• 30:03Jay Shetty?

  To millions of people on the internet. And now I've just realized it's all mathematics. I always say to people, it's all just math. It's like, if you get, you know, a million views, there'll be 10,000 people in the world who don't like you. If you get a billion views, you will have a million people in the world who don't like you. And if you get a hundred billion views, you'll have a hundred million people who don't like you. Like, it's just math.

• 30:23Speaker 01

  Right.

• 30:23Jay Shetty?

  Right? It's not complicated. It's almost like just about the volume and scale that you operate at and it's natural. And that's the hard truth about it where it's like, it just gets bigger the more big you get.

• 30:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:35Jay Shetty?

  Whereas we think, oh, the bigger you get, the more loved you are. And it is, that's true. You are more loved, but there's a proportionate amount of people that are now just not fans of yours.

• 30:44Speaker 01

  I think it makes the love harder to believe though.

• 30:48Jay Shetty?

  Hmm.

• 30:48Speaker 01

  Like if someone used to come up to me and compliment something I did, I would say thank you. And now sometimes I find myself saying like, really? Like you like, not to be like pick me, but I'm like, oh, you really liked that when I said that? Like you really enjoyed that? And they're like, yeah. And it's like, because I read something negative about it, like, it makes it harder to believe.

• 31:09Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, I personally think, and obviously you're talking to your therapist about the therapist about this, which is amazing, but I, I honestly think that's because of our inability to properly receive good feedback and comments and compliments. It's like, we don't have the presence to be really slow and thoughtful when we read a positive comment.

• 31:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:32Jay Shetty?

  We don't really drink it. We don't really take it in.

• 31:34Speaker 01

  It's just, yeah.

• 31:35Jay Shetty?

  Whereas if someone reads a negative comment, we will analyze every word in it.

• 31:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:38Jay Shetty?

  And like read it backwards and three times over and send it to a friend and it becomes this big conversation. I always say to people that you remember the bad times more than the good times because when something bad happens, you cry for a month and when something good happens, you celebrate for a day.

• 31:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:54Jay Shetty?

  And we all know what that feels like, right? If you win, you'll have one party and then tomorrow you get back to work.

• 32:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:00Jay Shetty?

  But if you go through a breakup, you will cry for three months and that will stay with you. And so we just deal with negativity with so much more depth than positivity. But do you get involved in internet drama?

• 32:13Speaker 01

  I never get involved because I think it's a cheap shot to get involved. I think it's a very easy way for people to talk about you. I don't need to give my opinion on anything. I don't need to let, like, that's not what I'm here for. And if I were, if I were to be doing it, I'm not shy in saying that I love to gossip, but I don't need to gossip on the internet publicly because it will hurt someone's feelings and it will show my face to more people. And I think that that's a very cheap way to get yourself out there. Does that make sense?

• 32:54Jay Shetty?

  That is the best answer I've heard on it.

• 32:55Speaker 01

  Really?

• 32:56Jay Shetty?

  That was so well said. Yeah, I love that answer.

• 32:57Speaker 01

  I think it's a cheap shot.

• 32:58Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 32:59Speaker 01

  It's at the end of the day, I really do.

• 33:01Jay Shetty?

  I love that answer.

• 33:01Speaker 01

  There's been times where I've been like, I want to talk about this. I want to talk about this. But I'm like, you know what? Like, there is more to me than just gossiping. Gossiping is for when we stop recording and we start talking just us two. Cause that's the beauty of gossip.

• 33:15Jay Shetty?

  I, I guess it's the idea of like, I don't want to be followed for gossip.

• 33:20Speaker 01

  Right. I want, I want people to be like, I follow him because he's funny and he makes me feel better.

• 33:25Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 33:25Speaker 01

  Not like I get my news from him. And there are places for that, but I just, that's not, that's never been my journey.

• 33:32Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. It's not the offering you want to put into the world. And I like that answer because I think it can be tempting when something feels like we know everyone's obsessed about it. I think we now live, we also live in a really interesting time that I discovered was whenever there was something viral about someone happening, whether it was an article, a, someone getting canceled, whatever it was, these companies are now sending reports to every podcaster on their network and saying, do this, cause it will get clicks.

• 34:00Speaker 01

  Really?

• 34:00Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 34:01Speaker 01

  Oh, see, I don't know that because I'm independent.

• 34:03Jay Shetty?

  So am I.

• 34:04Speaker 01

  Yeah. So I don't know that.

• 34:05Jay Shetty?

  So I discovered this when it was happening to me, but it was like, basically what was happening was every time there was something about someone who, who was well known that was not great, that company is sending a report saying, do this topic because it will get clicks. And so half the time people are talking about stuff, not even because they care or have an opinion, but because their company or their network or whatever it is has told them that will get clicks.

• 34:29Speaker 01

  Right.

• 34:29Jay Shetty?

  Which is a crazy thing to think about where it's not even something you're thinking about or care about that much, but you're diving in because you've been.

• 34:39Jay Shetty?

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• 35:18Jay Shetty?

  credit at indeed.com/podcast. That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. Home should be a place that feels like a sanctuary, a space that truly reflects who you are, but it can be challenging to balance style, budget and endless options. I was looking to create a dedicated calm space for my morning meditation and reading, but I was struggling to find pieces that felt grounding, but could also stand up to daily use. I went on Wayfair and found a beautiful, solid wood accent chair and a bookshelf. Now that corner is my favorite place to anchor my day. The quality is incredible. It's built to last and it completely shifted the

• 36:02Jay Shetty?

  energy of the room. Plus you can shop with Wayfair verified where product specialists carefully vet items for quality and functionality. So you can shop with more confidence. And if putting it all together sounds like a headache, Wayfair can handle delivery, installation and assembly. Join Wayfair rewards today to get 5% back on every purchase and start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been holding themselves to the highest

• 36:43Jay Shetty?

  standards since they opened in 1980. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colors, high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in store or online. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision making and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a State Farm agent today

• 37:26Jay Shetty?

  to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. Oud, what do you think about cancel culture?

• 37:44Speaker 01

  Cancel culture exists to me because when you get likes on a video, likes on a post, likes on anything, it feels good. There is no rhyme or reason. That chemically feels good. That is like a scientific fact. So regardless of what you are saying is complimentary about someone or negative about someone, like for example, when I was doing my skits, my improv skits, and they were getting a lot of likes, the reason I kept doing them is because it was fun, but it was also doing well. So if you're making videos negatively about someone else and they're doing well, everyone is going to start making video, like it's like a virus.

• 38:25Jay Shetty?

  You have a lot of people now saying a lot about people that they know very little about.

• 38:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:30Jay Shetty?

  That's the fascinating part.

• 38:32Speaker 01

  Right.

• 38:32Jay Shetty?

  Is that we're reading into like a tiny paparazzi picture, one second of a conversation, and then drawing these massive conclusions based on people. But we all do that as humans all the time.

• 38:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:44Jay Shetty?

  Do you stay away from that in your personal life? Like in your private life? Like?

• 38:47Speaker 01

  No.

• 38:49Jay Shetty?

  I do it.

• 38:50Speaker 01

  I'm such a gossip. I can't help it. I love gossiping. It's like my love language. I just don't, I try not to do it publicly.

• 38:57Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 38:58Speaker 01

  But like if you, if you see me and we start talking and like I start gossiping, it's because I love you.

• 39:03Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, got it.

• 39:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:04Jay Shetty?

  That, you did start with me today when you walked in. So I'm like, all right. I'm like.

• 39:08Speaker 01

  It's because I feel comfortable. It's because I love you and I, I love to gossip. And I think there's such a beauty to it. And I, I think, but yeah, I just, I won't ever publicly do it.

• 39:18Jay Shetty?

  Let's do a quick rules of gossip to make it work.

• 39:21Speaker 01

  I'll do a rules of gossip.

• 39:22Jay Shetty?

  What's the manifesto? What are the rules of gossip to make it fun and connecting, but not hurtful and painful?

• 39:29Speaker 01

  Rule number one is like, you can't, if something is happening to somebody you really love, you don't gossip with other people about it. Like you don't like, like if something was happening to me that was really, really hurtful and really, really bad, I know Peyton wouldn't go talking about it to someone else.

• 39:48Jay Shetty?

  Got it.

• 39:49Speaker 01

  But if it was someone outside of our group and we were like, if we heard something about something, we would be like, what the fuck is going on?

• 39:55Jay Shetty?

  Got it. Rule number one.

• 39:56Speaker 01

  That's rule number one is protect those that you love.

• 39:58Jay Shetty?

  Yes. Okay. Good rule.

• 39:59Speaker 01

  It's like, you know, protect the family.

• 40:01Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 40:02Speaker 01

  And I would say rule number two is like, have fun. As long as no one's listening, just have fun. Gossip is fun. Sharing information is fun.

• 40:13Jay Shetty?

  What if it gets back to them?

• 40:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's happened to me many a times.

• 40:16Jay Shetty?

  No way.

• 40:17Speaker 01

  Yes. Many, many, many times.

• 40:19Jay Shetty?

  What do you do in that position?

• 40:20Speaker 01

  You say sorry.

• 40:21Jay Shetty?

  Oh, you do? Okay.

• 40:22Speaker 01

  I'm very, yeah, you just say, I'm sorry.

• 40:23Jay Shetty?

  Do they reach out first or do you reach out?

• 40:26Speaker 01

  No, I'll just be like, fuck. Okay. I'm sorry.

• 40:28Jay Shetty?

  So you message them and say, I'm sorry. Like?

• 40:30Speaker 01

  Well, it's never really gotten to that. Usually I get confronted. I'm an easy person to confront. Like I'm not very intimidating to, but I'm never like really ragging on. Like I'm normally just like sharing information.

• 40:42Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 40:42Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 40:44Jay Shetty?

  And and the third rule of gossip is is the one you've been talking about, which is like only gossip offline, not online.

• 40:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, that I I really think is important.

• 40:53Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, got it.

• 40:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:55Jay Shetty?

  Got it. Do you and Peyton ever gossip about me?

• 40:56Speaker 01

  Never. Well, we only say positive things, how much we miss you. I told her I was coming here today. She's like, tell him I love him.

• 41:01Jay Shetty?

  Oh, she's the sweetest.

• 41:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, she's the best.

• 41:03Jay Shetty?

  I love her. Oh, you have to do this for me now for for my audience. Define a crash out.

• 41:08Speaker 01

  It literally feels like a painting is melting, like the your world is like crumbling. Like, it feels like everything is falling apart and you're just like free falling.

• 41:20Jay Shetty?

  Well, that's good. The painting melting is brilliant.

• 41:23Speaker 01

  So like, I crash out over this guy. During my crash out, I reached back out to him and saw him again, even though I knew it wasn't going to be good for me. And that's because any decision you make in a crash out kind of goes. And it's fun to crash out when your best friend is also crashing out. So Peyton and I will often sync up with our crash outs. So I'll be like, should I just do this? And she's like, yes, should I just do this? I'm like, yes, even though we both know it's bad. Like, there's this like rush. There's a rush to a crash out. I think I really think there's a rush to it.

• 41:54Jay Shetty?

  And are you trying to get out of it as quickly as you're in it or?

• 41:57Speaker 01

  You can't really see a way out. When you're in a depths of a crash out, when you're in like the real darkness depths of a crash out, like there's no way out.

• 42:05Jay Shetty?

  What's the longest crash out you've ever had?

• 42:07Speaker 01

  Probably over this guy. So from January to uh my end of my, I think I'm still good, mm, or beginning of April.

• 42:16Jay Shetty?

  Wow.

• 42:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:17Jay Shetty?

  I thought you were gonna say like three hours.

• 42:19Speaker 01

  No.

• 42:19Jay Shetty?

  You just said three months.

• 42:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, three months. It's like affect like this one guy affected like every decision I made.

• 42:26Jay Shetty?

  What what was it about this one guy?

• 42:28Speaker 01

  I don't know. I really don't know what it was. And like, I knew I shouldn't have gone back. And I went back and the same exact thing happened as the first time, it just took longer.

• 42:40Jay Shetty?

  Never go back.

• 42:41Speaker 01

  I know, but I really was like, basically, we went on, we went on a date and it didn't end up working out. And then I reached back out like a few months later or a month later, just like throwing it out there and he came back with like flirty. So we started hanging out again. But then the same thing happened after our that happened after our first date after like two months. So it was like, do you know what I mean? And it was like, this was all because of a crash out.

• 43:12Jay Shetty?

  And did you feel more mad at yourself or did you feel more mad at him or is a crash out a bit of both?

• 43:17Speaker 01

  In the moment when he was like, I don't think this is working out. I was like, okay. Like, I was right the first time.

• 43:25Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 43:26Speaker 01

  And he was right the first time. No one was wrong. It was just like that's like this was if someone shows you who you they are, what they deem a situation to be like, believe them.

• 43:36Jay Shetty?

  And then does the crash out affect everything else in your life for those four months?

• 43:40Speaker 01

  Those that are closest to me will tell you yes.

• 43:43Jay Shetty?

  So how do you go to work? How do you do the show? How do you go on stage when you're having a crash out?

• 43:48Speaker 01

  You need someone to just be like, well, on stage, you're like, these people paid to see you.

• 43:53Jay Shetty?

  Okay, so that, yeah, that commitment.

• 43:55Speaker 01

  Luckily for me, they also paid to see me crash out. So like, I can get on stage and be like, I'm crashing the fuck out right now. Like, I'm not okay. And that for me, for them is equally as entertaining as me not crashing out.

• 44:10Jay Shetty?

  Got it.

• 44:10Speaker 01

  So it's almost like I can crash out on the job because it makes it more entertaining and more funny.

• 44:16Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 44:17Speaker 01

  But then there's moments where I'm like, wait, no, I really don't feel good and I really can't do this right now.

• 44:22Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 44:22Speaker 01

  Like, after the Vanity Fair thing, I didn't want to talk about that. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want, I couldn't like make a joke out of it yet. And that was a really hard week for me because I was like, I can't crash out about this publicly. Normally, everything I can be like, I'm crashing out over this, that and the third. I couldn't crash out about that. Because so many people were yelling at me or that's what it felt like to me. Like, something like that is hard. Like, I can't crash out. And that's, I think, the moment where things kind of shifted for me, where it being public became less fun.

• 44:56Jay Shetty?

  We were texting at that time.

• 44:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was, I was not okay.

• 44:58Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, you texted me, I remember. Yeah, I really appreciate you reaching out.

• 45:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:02Jay Shetty?

  Because I can't imagine that being fun.

• 45:05Speaker 01

  It was, well, it was just like, it was horrible because it's like, yeah, yeah, it just sucked.

• 45:13Jay Shetty?

  And you survived.

• 45:14Speaker 01

  And I survived. I literally like physically, when you physically survive something you're so scared of, you're so dreading it happening. You knew, like you, I talked to you about this, like, people getting mad at me is my number one fear. Like, I think my physical reaction to that was that I literally would not physically survive.

• 45:32Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 45:32Speaker 01

  When you physically like actually make it out of something that you're scared of, it like teaches your mind almost that like it's fine.

• 45:41Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 45:41Speaker 01

  Do you know what I mean? Like, after that week, like, I felt like, oh, like, I'm still, I'm like breathing. As dramatic as it sounds, like I'm like breathing and I felt like I was holding my breath, waiting for this thing to happen. And then it happened.

• 45:55Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 45:55Speaker 01

  And now what?

• 45:56Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 45:57Speaker 01

  You just keep going on.

• 45:58Jay Shetty?

  Totally. And and and what I find really hard about those moments, and obviously, you know, I'm a fan of yours, I follow you, and it's like, I'd watched an interview done around the same time. I think it was just before.

• 46:08Speaker 01

  It was the Rolling Stone one.

• 46:09Jay Shetty?

  Correct. And I'd seen that interview and I was like, Jake's being really honest, like, he's not a, he knows he's not a journalist. He's not trying to be a journalist.

• 46:16Speaker 01

  My mom is a journalist.

• 46:17Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, he really va, like, it was just really interesting because I follow you quite deeply in that sense. Like, I keep up with what you're up to. And I was like, oh, wait, Jake said this thing in the Rolling Stone thing, and the thing that he's getting, you know, targeted for, whatever you want to call it, is that very thing that he's already okay.

• 46:34Speaker 01

  Funny how that works.

• 46:34Jay Shetty?

  And I'm like, if you just lis, if, and this is the challenge I see with everything, and I go through this myself. I'm like, if someone actually listened to everything I said.

• 46:42Speaker 01

  Right.

• 46:43Jay Shetty?

  I think they'd have a better picture of my genuine emotions about things. But if you just pick one thing I say or one thing I do, you might get a very different perspective of who I am.

• 46:54Speaker 01

  Right.

• 46:54Jay Shetty?

  And I think the challenge today is who the hell in the world has the time to listen to everything I've said or everything you've said.

• 47:00Speaker 01

  There is no time.

• 47:01Jay Shetty?

  Who cares enough to do that as well? Like, it's too much work. And so it's, yeah, it's rough because I felt like what you were saying in the Rolling Stone interview directly would have made the other side of it okay.

• 47:11Speaker 01

  It was like a direct response. It was like, well, I'm not a journalist. I've never claimed to be. I think it's insulting to say I'm a journalist. I'm not, I'm not

• 47:17Jay Shetty?

  Neither am I, yeah.

• 47:18Speaker 01

  inquisitive enough to be a journalist.

• 47:20Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:21Speaker 01

  Unless it's gossip. I'd be a good gossip journalist.

• 47:24Jay Shetty?

  There you go. That's that's the new title.

• 47:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:26Jay Shetty?

  That's the new headline.

• 47:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:28Jay Shetty?

  That's the new headline, Jake. I feel like the good thing is to survive early in that growth journey because then you start realizing that these things will keep coming and keep happening. And you're gonna have to live with it forever. So in one sense, it's kind of like nice to get one under your belt because you don't want to wait too long. Because I've seen it happen the other way. And I think this used to happen a few years back. Was that people would literally have like three decade careers where they would never have anyone hate them. And then all of a sudden, something massive would happen.

• 47:58Speaker 01

  Right.

• 47:59Jay Shetty?

  Years later.

• 48:00Speaker 01

  And they don't know how to deal with it.

• 48:01Jay Shetty?

  And they don't know how to deal with it because.

• 48:02Speaker 01

  The internet.

• 48:03Jay Shetty?

  Correct.

• 48:03Speaker 01

  It's not just bad press any, like, back in the day, in traditional media and traditional celebrity, you could get bad press where the press was talking about you poorly.

• 48:12Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 48:12Speaker 01

  But the press is now the people, so it feels a little more individual and a little more like, I think it feels more personal.

• 48:20Jay Shetty?

  It does feel more personal. Hundred percent, it feels more personal.

• 48:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:22Jay Shetty?

  Because you're seeing one person say something about you.

• 48:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:25Jay Shetty?

  It it feels really, really personal. There's this, uh, I remember Ellen DeGeneres was cancelled at something like, I can't remember how old she was at that time, like forty six for coming out as gay. Like, coming out in America as gay was like cancelable.

• 48:40Speaker 01

  Really?

• 48:41Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. I remember there's this clip that people can watch of the Oprah show where people are literally standing up on the Oprah show saying, how can you be friends with Ellen because she's gay?

• 48:49Speaker 01

  Really?

• 48:50Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's unbelievable. And you'll see Oprah say like, well, you know, I appreciate her, I like her, whatever it is. And I'm like, that is bizarre to me to think about. You watch that and you go, oh, my gosh, like, you know, what a, what a crazy thing to go through.

• 49:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:06Jay Shetty?

  And now it's almost like, yeah, it's it's what you just said. It feels so much more personal. It feels so much more urgent as well. And and it's rough. And and I don't think anyone has the magic pill or the answer to how to deal with it.

• 49:22Speaker 01

  Right.

• 49:22Jay Shetty?

  Because you've got to keep, keep moving on.

• 49:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:25Jay Shetty?

  You've got to keep getting on with it. Well, I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you survived. I'm glad you kept going on.

• 49:29Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 49:29Jay Shetty?

  Because because you're making a lot of people happy, making a lot of people smile. You're like, you know.

• 49:34Speaker 01

  I'm trying.

• 49:35Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 49:35Speaker 01

  I'm I'm really trying. I feel like I've kind of lost my funny lately. And so I'm like trying to like get it back.

• 49:40Jay Shetty?

  What what helps you get it back?

• 49:42Speaker 01

  Watching TV.

• 49:43Jay Shetty?

  What have you been watching?

• 49:44Speaker 01

  Industry.

• 49:44Jay Shetty?

  Oh, I've not seen that yet. I keep being told.

• 49:46Speaker 01

  You gotta. That's a very you show. You would love it.

• 49:49Jay Shetty?

  Okay.

• 49:50Speaker 01

  And I'm so good at when I'm like, and I know I'm good at when I'm imitating things and I always say like when I'm binge watching a show and I binge, I go through this period of like binging and then I regurgitate it all out. That's when I'm my funniest.

• 50:03Jay Shetty?

  So that, okay, watching TV. Yeah, mine's, mine is genuinely like, I love watching stand up comics.

• 50:08Speaker 01

  I don't watch enough of it.

• 50:09Jay Shetty?

  I love watching stand up comedy. It's one of my favorite things. Like, I'm like, if I can watch a really good stand up comic that just is dialed in and, you know, really knows how they work in the crowd, it's, you've never done stand up comedy, right?

• 50:21Speaker 01

  I did it in seventh grade.

• 50:22Jay Shetty?

  Oh, oh, okay.

• 50:23Speaker 01

  It doesn't really, doesn't really count. But I love when you see someone so, whether it be a comic or athlete or a musician in control of a crowd, it's like equally as crack for you as it is for them, I feel like.

• 50:38Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 50:39Speaker 01

  It's like the, oh, my God, what am I witnessing right now?

• 50:42Jay Shetty?

  Absolutely. Absolutely. What's what's become your like biggest red flag in dating for you right now?

• 50:49Speaker 01

  If someone watches my show.

• 50:51Jay Shetty?

  You don't want them to be a fan?

• 50:52Speaker 01

  It's weird because it's both a red flag and a green flag. It's like, okay, you still pursued me even after seeing me for all that I was. But like internally, I'm so insecure that you've seen it that I now can't date you.

• 51:08Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 51:09Speaker 01

  Because I'm so insecure with all that you've seen. I can't hide anything from you.

• 51:14Jay Shetty?

  God.

• 51:15Speaker 01

  It does that make sense?

• 51:16Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's almost like you don't get, in a normal relationship, like if you're not a public figure, you get to reveal information.

• 51:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:24Jay Shetty?

  As you both get to know each other more. Whereas when you're a public figure who's talking about yourself all the time, it almost feels like everyone knows too much about you already.

• 51:33Speaker 01

  Right.

• 51:33Jay Shetty?

  And now you don't even get to reveal that part of yourself. And it doesn't feel like a discovery even for the other person.

• 51:38Speaker 01

  And it just feels almost like embarrassing.

• 51:42Jay Shetty?

  Tell me about that part. Why is it embarrassing?

• 51:44Speaker 01

  Because I used to talk about like my sex life a lot or like lack thereof. I'm like, oh, my God, if this person's seen my show, they know that I haven't had sex in however long. That is so embarrassing. I can't sit here with a straight face.

• 51:54Jay Shetty?

  So what do you do now?

• 51:55Speaker 01

  I go for older men that wouldn't normally watch my show.

• 52:02Jay Shetty?

  And how's that going?

• 52:03Speaker 01

  It's fine.

• 52:04Jay Shetty?

  Okay.

• 52:05Speaker 01

  Honestly, great. They have great perspectives on life.

• 52:07Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Ultra. Making space for ourselves matters. Having time and room to try new things. Our feet benefit from more space, too. That's why Ultra Running Shoes feature Ultra Fit Design, giving toes more room for comfort and balance, helping feet feel stronger. These aren't just running shoes. They're perfect for walking, hiking, any pace, any level. They feel right from the first step. Go to ultrarunning.com/onpurpose and use code PURPOSE10 for 10% off. That's A L T R A running.com/onpurpose. Stay out there. Are you generally attracted to older men? Or is this because they don't listen to your show?

• 52:49Speaker 01

  I think generally I'm attracted to older guys.

• 52:51Jay Shetty?

  Okay, right, right, right.

• 52:52Speaker 01

  And then this has made it even more so.

• 52:54Jay Shetty?

  Easier, okay, okay, okay. So that's a green flag right now, being an older man.

• 52:58Speaker 01

  Being an older guy.

• 52:59Jay Shetty?

  Who doesn't watch your show.

• 52:59Speaker 01

  That's a green, a green flag is like an older guy in their 30s who doesn't watch my show. And then a red flag would be like someone my age who watches my show.

• 53:08Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 53:11Jay Shetty?

  It's good, though, you're segmenting your, you know, your pool. It's good.

• 53:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:16Jay Shetty?

  What's the face, Jay?

• 53:17Speaker 01

  Cause I know I'm wrong.

• 53:18Jay Shetty?

  What do you mean you know you're wrong?

• 53:19Speaker 01

  I know I'm wrong. I know what I'm saying is incorrect. And like, I'm gonna wake up and be like, no, that's not how I feel. But that's how I feel. I think that's my issue.

• 53:27Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 53:28Speaker 01

  With having my podcast grow as much is because like, I think I say things that I feel in the moment. And then like, I switch my mind up like that. And then so when people are like, that's wrong. I'm like, wait, that is wrong. I didn't even mean that. But in the moment, I did.

• 53:43Jay Shetty?

  It's not your opinion on anyone else.

• 53:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:45Jay Shetty?

  I don't think that can be wrong.

• 53:46Speaker 01

  I know.

• 53:47Jay Shetty?

  You're allowed to change your mind.

• 53:48Speaker 01

  I know.

• 53:49Jay Shetty?

  And, and you know, it's all tongue in sheet, too. Like it's a, you know, it's you saying how you feel about what you're attracted to right now. And that could change tomorrow. I think that's, that's cool.

• 53:57Speaker 01

  Yeah. I think that that's a red flag. I'm trying to think of like another red flag that I would agree with tomorrow morning.

• 54:05Jay Shetty?

  Go on.

• 54:05Speaker 01

  Cause like, I feel like, I feel like I could go on a date with someone that watches my show and them be wonderful. And it be, you know, so I, I actually don't know if that's fair to say that that's a red flag. I think a red flag would be, I don't know, what, what was a red flag for you when you were dating?

• 54:20Jay Shetty?

  That's a good question. It's been a long time, Jay. You're like, you know, aging right now. I haven't been on a date for.

• 54:27Speaker 01

  I think lying.

• 54:28Jay Shetty?

  Lying is good, lying is good.

• 54:30Speaker 01

  If you catch, yes, this is my answer. If you catch somebody in a lie early on, red flag.

• 54:35Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 54:36Speaker 01

  Immediate red flag.

• 54:37Jay Shetty?

  Name, name dropping is my red flag.

• 54:40Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 54:40Jay Shetty?

  I'm not a huge fan of name dropping. I don't, I don't, I don't need to like, or if someone's like, brand dropping, name dropping, event dropping, like, oh, I was just going to this place with this person.

• 54:51Speaker 01

  Very good red flag.

• 54:52Jay Shetty?

  It doesn't, it doesn't do anything for me. I'm like, I don't, I'm good, like, you know?

• 54:56Speaker 01

  Well, then I think is this date just a name drop for you later on?

• 55:00Jay Shetty?

  Yes, yes, yes, yes. So and now, and now I'm thinking about friend dating, cause I don't go out and date. So I'm thinking of like, just friends and how I pick people who I hang out with. I don't like that. I don't, uh, I get turned off if someone's like, um, if someone only talks about work or money or deals or.

• 55:17Speaker 01

  Me too.

• 55:17Jay Shetty?

  Part, like I just, I find that boring and like, you know?

• 55:20Speaker 01

  Back to my crash out from, the reason I crashed out so hard over this one guy was cause he wasn't a name dropper at all.

• 55:28Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 55:29Speaker 01

  And like, I've realized that the way I need to be loved in a relationship is constant words of affirmation. It's like someone telling me that they are attracted to me. Cause I read people telling me that, and I, and I'm very insecure already. And I see people saying that I'm ugly all the time.

• 55:51Jay Shetty?

  Really? Do you see that a lot?

• 55:52Speaker 01

  All the time. And so to have the person that I'm intimate with tell me that they are attracted to me and they're not lying to me is like, I think what like my most important thing.

• 56:03Jay Shetty?

  I didn't realize the ugly comment for you was a, a common thing or a thing at all.

• 56:08Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Especially from other gay guys.

• 56:11Jay Shetty?

  Wow, I had no idea.

• 56:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:13Jay Shetty?

  God, that must be terrible.

• 56:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's not great, but I am able to use it to, to like, as part of my humor. Just sometimes it gets a little too mean.

• 56:26Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 56:27Speaker 01

  Sometimes it's a little too mean and a little too specific.

• 56:30Jay Shetty?

  And that's when you can't laugh.

• 56:31Speaker 01

  And that's when I can't laugh.

• 56:32Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, well, you showed everyone with the Coachella post.

• 56:35Speaker 01

  Right, right.

• 56:36Jay Shetty?

  You did, yeah. You just put it out there, you know? It's, I think, I think you did. I'm like flirting with you, Jake.

• 56:43Speaker 01

  I know, I know, I know. But I, I, I do that, that part of my, I actually, you know what? It's funny when you bring up the like, like my body, like transforming my body and stuff. People are, a lot of the comments that I've received are people being like, that just doesn't make sense for him.

• 57:01Jay Shetty?

  Hmm.

• 57:01Speaker 01

  I think I literally just heard Louise laugh.

• 57:05Speaker 01

  Like, am I not someone that's supposed to be attractive? Do you know what I mean? Like, that's how it feels to me. And then it feels even worse.

• 57:12Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, there's those clips of like, I remember there's a clip of like, Jonah Hill when he lost weight. And I think he was on a TV show and someone said to him like, oh, you don't look like someone who would smell good.

• 57:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:22Jay Shetty?

  And, and it was, and he called it out on the show. Like, he literally goes, what do you mean? I just don't think, like, you see the like, he just goes straight at it to combat it because obviously it didn't feel good to hear that. He was like, what do you mean by that?

• 57:35Speaker 01

  Well, it feels like they're saying to me, your face is still ugly, but your body is okay.

• 57:40Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 57:40Speaker 01

  That's what it feels like they're saying to me when they say that. When they say this doesn't make sense for him, it feels like they're saying the face is still ugly and needs some work to do, but the body is getting there.

• 57:49Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. So what are you, what are your new dating rules? How are you?

• 57:52Speaker 01

  Go on first dates.

• 57:55Jay Shetty?

  Rule number one, go on first.

• 57:56Speaker 01

  Go on first date, and it's so hard. I hate dating.

• 57:59Jay Shetty?

  How do you meet people right now?

• 58:00Speaker 01

  Right now, Raya. It's, it's touch and go.

• 58:05Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 58:06Speaker 01

  Kind of like, it's like, sometimes it's great, sometimes it's not. Um, but also leaving the house. Like, I feel like leaving the house and going to a bar.

• 58:16Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 58:17Speaker 01

  When you base all your like romantic validation and online dating, it's a black hole.

• 58:24Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 58:24Speaker 01

  Like, you're never gonna, you're never gonna feel good about yourself. But when you go to a bar and you get flirted with.

• 58:29Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 58:30Speaker 01

  Like in nature. Like, it fuels you for like that next month to like lead with confidence.

• 58:37Jay Shetty?

  I like that. The fact you're saying you can go out and do that, being a public figure. I think that's great advice for people.

• 58:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:42Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, actually get out there, just do it the old way.

• 58:45Speaker 01

  I mean, yeah, I, I, cause what else are you gonna do, you know?

• 58:48Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. Any others that are working? Any, anything else that's?

• 58:50Speaker 01

  No, I mean, I don't think many things are working for me right now.

• 58:55Jay Shetty?

  What's the most insane thing you've ever done in dating? Or the craziest thing you've ever done on a date?

• 59:01Speaker 01

  I mean, like crashing out over a guy one on one date with and then telling him, I passed the place where we went on our first date to get back in contact with him, even though I was sitting in my hotel room with my friend Cassie. Like, that's insane. Like, I was like, I just passed this place, thought of you. No, I didn't. I was in my hotel room.

• 59:21Jay Shetty?

  That's a good one.

• 59:21Speaker 01

  No, I didn't.

• 59:22Jay Shetty?

  That's.

• 59:22Speaker 01

  And by the way, not only was that, I planned that.

• 59:26Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 59:26Speaker 01

  From the second that he said that he was not, I thought he got the, so I thought he got the ick from me. And my friend was like, if he has the ick from you, just give it a month and then try again.

• 59:36Jay Shetty?

  Jay.

• 59:37Speaker 01

  So I gave it a month and I was like, my plan is, well, my plan was three months. I lasted one month. And he's probably gonna listen to this. I'm like, this kid's insane, but it's over now, so whatever.

• 59:46Jay Shetty?

  Jay, yeah, that was part of the rules, the earlier rules we set. Jake, that's so bad.

• 59:50Speaker 01

  I know. Ooh, red flag for dating, if their friends suck.

• 59:53Jay Shetty?

  Oh, yeah, that's a good one. I like that one. I like that one.

• 59:55Speaker 01

  If their friends suck, bad.

• 59:57Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah. I also don't like people who are not responsive. I have a big issue with that.

• 1:00:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:04Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I, I'm like, I need to get a rhythm of communication.

• 1:00:08Speaker 01

  I'm a bad responder.

• 1:00:10Jay Shetty?

  Ah, I don't, see, here's the thing. I think there's like, I think you've got like a 72 hour rule, right? Like, if you respond to someone within 72 hours, I think it's respectful.

• 1:00:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:20Jay Shetty?

  And I'm like, if I'm getting to know someone again, I'm not dating. But if I was getting to know someone as a friend or, I'm like, 72 hours is fair. Everyone's busy. Maybe five days I can deal with. Maybe seven days at a max, right?

• 1:00:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:32Jay Shetty?

  But over seven days to not communicate, I'm like, hmm, this is like.

• 1:00:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm thinking about the person that I haven't responded to in seven days now. And I'm like, I have to respond to them.

• 1:00:40Jay Shetty?

  I feel like seven days is good. And like, anything more than seven days, I'm like, there is no, I, seven days is good for someone you don't really ever wanna see.

• 1:00:49Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:00:49Jay Shetty?

  Like, you know, whereas if I want to build a friendship with someone, I'm expecting them to respond within 72 hours.

• 1:00:55Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:00:55Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:56Speaker 01

  So nice that you have a wife and you don't have to think about the romance of it all.

• 1:00:59Jay Shetty?

  No, I don't have to think about romance, but I do think about friends. And I do think about like, building relationships or.

• 1:01:04Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:01:04Jay Shetty?

  People at work or whatever it may be. I'm definitely, I think you're always building relationships with people. And I'm someone who just like, likes having friends. Like, I enjoy.

• 1:01:13Speaker 01

  You do love it. You love getting to know people.

• 1:01:15Jay Shetty?

  I enjoy getting to know people. I enjoy getting to know people deeply. I enjoy to actually get to know what's going on in someone's life and heart. Like, I enjoyed that. And I'm always looking forward to, again, I don't wanna do that with a million people. I'm looking forward to doing that with a few people.

• 1:01:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:30Jay Shetty?

  So you're like, you're looking at me with some dubious eyes, though.

• 1:01:33Speaker 01

  No, no, I'm, I'm looking at you with like, have I just said a whole bunch of nonsense for this past hour?

• 1:01:38Jay Shetty?

  No, no, no.

• 1:01:38Speaker 01

  I'm like, has anything I said made sense?

• 1:01:40Jay Shetty?

  There's been so much that has made sense. And, and the insane, the insanity question was, was a, was a really good one. But why, do you feel ready to be in a relationship right now or just to be dating?

• 1:01:51Speaker 01

  I think just to be dating. And I've always said I wanted a boyfriend. And every time I get close to it, I'm like, I don't want this.

• 1:01:58Jay Shetty?

  Because?

• 1:01:59Speaker 01

  I don't know. I haven't figured it out. I think I, well, I just had someone on my show and they explained to me the different attachment styles of stuff. So I think I'm avoidant.

• 1:02:09Jay Shetty?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:02:10Speaker 01

  Like, I look for people that are not there. And then if they ever get there with me, I'm like, wait, what?

• 1:02:15Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:16Speaker 01

  Like, I don't want that. I think I'm too insecure to like, share myself entirely with someone. I think I'm just like too insecure as a person to like, be able to show someone. I, I think that's where journaling's kind of been helpful, cause I've been able to like, I'm sharing it with like, this fake object, this object, but it's still something else other than my own mind. And I think that's what I've always struggled with.

• 1:02:41Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. You talk about the importance of friends and being surrounded by the right people. You obviously have a great crew. I feel like you just told me you're gonna be living alone for the first time in a long time.

• 1:02:52Speaker 01

  Well, yeah. And I'm really stressed out about it. I'm, I've been begging Brett to stay. But her journey is that she is moving in with her incredible lovely boyfriend. And I'm dreading the day it happens. And I don't know what I'm gonna do. Waking up to a friend every day is like the best thing on planet earth. We wake up every morning, we go downstairs, gossip for 20 minutes. We go about our days, meet back up for lunch, gossip, go about our days, meet back up for dinner. And like, I don't know, like, it's, you get very complacent. When you live with someone, you get complacent and not having to make plans. It's like, well, Brett will be home, or I'll just be with Brett.

• 1:03:35Jay Shetty?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:03:36Speaker 01

  And I think it's gonna be really, really, really hard for me when she moves out. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

• 1:03:41Jay Shetty?

  How do you define a good friend?

• 1:03:43Speaker 01

  I, I think the most classic answer and the most truthful answer is that somebody who has been with you at your worst. Like, I, I think the song Delicate by Taylor Swift is kind of like, applies to romantic relationships, but it also, for me, applies to platonic friendships as well. It's like, she talks about like this feeling of like having this new relationship and like, her reputation has never been worse, so this person that she's with right now must really like them for them. And so the people that have been with you at your worst and stuck by you, like, that's a good, like, a loyalty. I've learned that loyalty is really and truly everything. Sticking by someone, even if it's not

• 1:04:27Jay Shetty?

  Convenience.

• 1:04:28Speaker 01

  Convenience, or sticking by, or doing something for someone because you know it means a lot more to them than it would to, like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm trying not to get too specific, but like, um, really showing up for people.

• 1:04:45Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:45Speaker 01

  You know, even if you don't want to.

• 1:04:47Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:47Speaker 01

  Making things work for someone, even if you don't want to.

• 1:04:50Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:51Speaker 01

  Cause they would do it for you, and knowing that they would do it for you, that's a good friend.

• 1:04:55Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and you're like that too as a friend.

• 1:04:57Speaker 01

  I think I've learned how to become like that. I don't think I was always like that. And I'm totally fine to say that I wasn't always like that. And my best friends would sit here and tell you right now that I wasn't always like that.

• 1:05:06Jay Shetty?

  What changed you?

• 1:05:07Speaker 01

  Like, life, just like things happening. And sometimes life forces you to put things into perspective. And you have to choose, and you have to decide like certain routes to go down. And I've just been faced with situations like in college or high school or middle school. And each situation, like, I think I've been a better and better and better friend.

• 1:05:31Jay Shetty?

  All right, we have two games that we're gonna finish on that we do with all of our guests now.

• 1:05:34Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:05:35Jay Shetty?

  One's made for you and one's another game that we do. So this one is called, which one ruins your day more?

• 1:05:41Speaker 01

  Oh my God, I love this.

• 1:05:42Jay Shetty?

  So Jake, which one ruins your day more? Someone texts, we need to talk, or someone just reacts, thumbs up to a long text you sent?

• 1:05:52Speaker 01

  We need to talk.

• 1:05:53Jay Shetty?

  Why?

• 1:05:54Speaker 01

  Because the thumbs up, I, I at least know where you stand. If I, if it's the uncertainty that kills me.

• 1:06:01Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:01Speaker 01

  If I know you're upset with me, and I know that that text that I've sent, that you don't like it, fine, so be it. I'll be upset about it. But I'll be way more upset if you say, we need to talk, and I don't know if it's good or bad. Cause then my brain starts spinning and spinning and spinning.

• 1:06:17Jay Shetty?

  Okay, everyone listening, do not send your friends, we need to talk. All right, uh, which one ruins your day more? You wave at someone who wasn't waving at you, or you say, you too, after your service says, enjoy your meal?

• 1:06:29Speaker 01

  You're waving at someone, cause the you too is like, you're being polite. At the end of the day, it's like, you're polite, like, you're just trying to be polite. Like, oh, you too, and it's like a silly fun moment.

• 1:06:39Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:06:39Speaker 01

  Waving at someone, that happened to me the other day, it was the worst.

• 1:06:42Jay Shetty?

  Did it actually?

• 1:06:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was horrible. One time I did it to Jennifer Aniston by accident, and it was like, we were staying at the same hotel and I was wait, I thought she was waving at me, and I was like, what? And she, it was so awkward, I like, thinking about it makes my skin crawl.

• 1:06:55Jay Shetty?

  Who was she waving at?

• 1:06:56Speaker 01

  I, no, I think I was waving at someone next to her, but obviously she's like, are you waving at me? And I'm like, no, like, I don't, and I didn't realize it was her, and like, it, it just makes my skin crawl.

• 1:07:08Jay Shetty?

  Which one ruins your day more? You get left on read, or they send back a five paragraph text?

• 1:07:14Speaker 01

  Left on read.

• 1:07:15Jay Shetty?

  Left on read.

• 1:07:16Speaker 01

  It's the uncertainty, kills me, kills me.

• 1:07:19Jay Shetty?

  It's the worst. Which one ruins your day more? Being way too overdressed at a party, or way too underdressed at a party?

• 1:07:26Speaker 01

  So, in New York, you would say that it's better to be overdressed than underdressed. But in LA, it's cooler to be underdressed. And I feel these days very LA through and through. So I would say being overdressed would upset me more.

• 1:07:43Jay Shetty?

  Got it. I, I agree with you. I'd rather be underdressed too. Uh, which one ruins your day more? You send a photo of the guy you're talking about to him, or like a post on his Instagram from five years ago?

• 1:07:54Speaker 01

  Send a post to him, or send the photo to him. I think I've actually almost done that before. And that's happened to me in like other situations where I've been talking about somebody, and I've sent them a screenshot of like our own texts, and that ruins my week. That's just like, you, there's nothing there. There's no coming back. You have to be like, sorry.

• 1:08:13Jay Shetty?

  All right, a couple more. Which one ruins your day more? The guy you're dating isn't funny, or doesn't get your brand of humor?

• 1:08:20Speaker 01

  Doesn't get my brand of humor.

• 1:08:21Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, of course.

• 1:08:22Speaker 01

  Cause if he's not funny, like, you can always, I think you can always teach someone how to be, if they can at least laugh at, it doesn't matter if they're funny, can you laugh at me? And what, the jokes I'm making? But if you don't think I'm funny, why are we even talking?

• 1:08:38Jay Shetty?

  Totally, yeah. All right, uh, last one of these. You accidentally send a mean girl text about someone to that exact person, or you're caught in a blatant unnecessary lie by someone you actually deeply respect?

• 1:08:51Speaker 01

  I think the mean girl text. Sending a text to someone, sending a text to someone that you didn't mean to send it to, like, they'll kill me for telling this story, and I need to double check it with them. But one time, Peyton texted Julia, I need to go search for Julia's bag, so she'll shut the fuck up. And she texted to Julia while sitting next to Julia. And I just remember like, it being like, for everyone else, the funniest thing, but for them too, like, not funny.

• 1:09:26Jay Shetty?

  So bad, so bad.

• 1:09:27Speaker 01

  It was slippers, it was slippers, Julia couldn't find her slippers.

• 1:09:30Jay Shetty?

  Oh my God. Oh, well done, you did good, that was really good. All right, gut reaction, so I need your quickest reaction. The hill I die on for no reason is?

• 1:09:40Speaker 01

  Air conditioner, as like, everyone should have it.

• 1:09:43Jay Shetty?

  Okay, right.

• 1:09:44Speaker 01

  Like, everyone should have air conditioner. I don't care how bad it is for the environment, I don't even, I'm sorry, I don't. You need to have an air conditioner, like, it is important to condition the temperature of your home properly.

• 1:09:56Jay Shetty?

  Got it. Uh, the most embarrassing thing currently sitting in my notes app is?

• 1:10:02Speaker 01

  I thought I was being really poetic. I don't have my phone with me, but I, I took notes of my day. And it was that I was walking home with like makeup products in my hand, cause I was too embarrassed to walk home with this Sephora bag. And I wrote that down. And like, I, and I looked back at it today, and I was like, what the fuck? Why didn't I want to walk home with a Sephora bag?

• 1:10:28Jay Shetty?

  That's good, that's really good. The most unhinged thought I've had today is?

• 1:10:34Speaker 01

  Oh, most unhinged thought I've had today is probably like, should I smoke before this? And I'm so grateful I didn't.

• 1:10:41Jay Shetty?

  You didn't?

• 1:10:42Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:10:42Jay Shetty?

  Oh, nice, all right.

• 1:10:43Speaker 01

  I was like, I'm so, I literally was almost like, should I just smoke?

• 1:10:46Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:46Speaker 01

  And then my therapist was like, you cannot smoke, like, da, da, da, da, like, giving me all this attitude about smoking, reading me a quote from Yoda, and I told her, I was like, I don't even watch Star Wars, so I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

• 1:10:57Jay Shetty?

  There have been people who smoked before, I mean, like, Wiz had his, Wiz Khalifa had his car down there and smoked before he came onto the show.

• 1:11:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, but he's able to like, control himself while high.

• 1:11:06Jay Shetty?

  There are a couple of people, I'm trying to remember now, but Wiz was definitely one of them. The brand I would sell my soul to be the face of is?

• 1:11:13Speaker 01

  Dior.

• 1:11:14Jay Shetty?

  Dior, yes, you already are.

• 1:11:16Speaker 01

  No, my God, are you kidding? Dior, I would love to be a Dior.

• 1:11:19Jay Shetty?

  I see you wear Dior everywhere.

• 1:11:20Speaker 01

  It's my favorite brand.

• 1:11:21Jay Shetty?

  We both love you, Jonathan Anderson.

• 1:11:22Speaker 01

  I love Jonathan Anderson.

• 1:11:24Jay Shetty?

  We love you.

• 1:11:24Speaker 01

  I think it's just, everything he does is so brilliant, and I think what he's done with the brand is brilliant.

• 1:11:29Jay Shetty?

  I agree. I went to his first show out in Paris last year, and it was just spectacular.

• 1:11:33Speaker 01

  Was that the one where he debuted the book tote collection?

• 1:11:37Jay Shetty?

  That's correct, yes, it was just, I was so, it was so good, it was so good. Amazing, good answer. Uh, the celebrity friend you're calling to help you bury a dead body is?

• 1:11:47Speaker 01

  Renee Rapp.

• 1:11:48Jay Shetty?

  Oh, wow, okay, Renee's been on the show, okay.

• 1:11:50Speaker 01

  Renee, Renee Rapp, she, she is, that is a ride, or talk about a ride or die. Like, that girl is a ride or die. Like, I'd call her and be like, I am geeking out, I'm tweaking out over this one thing. She'll be like, we're, it's handled, we're handling it.

• 1:12:06Jay Shetty?

  That's so good, and you trust that she can like, she's like, you know.

• 1:12:09Speaker 01

  She's strategic, she protects, she protects her family.

• 1:12:13Jay Shetty?

  Nice.

• 1:12:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12:14Jay Shetty?

  Nice. Jake, we end every episode of On Purpose with a final five. These questions have to be answered in one sentence maximum.

• 1:12:20Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:12:20Jay Shetty?

  Jake Shane, these are your final five. First question, what is the best advice you've ever heard or received?

• 1:12:25Speaker 01

  You can't create magic twice.

• 1:12:27Jay Shetty?

  I like that.

• 1:12:28Speaker 01

  If something like works once, there's no point in, like, I wanted to go back for Coachella Weekend Two, and I looked at Louise and I was like, just, I don't want to taint my experience because Weekend One was so perfect. And it's such a shallow thing to say for that answer, but like, just like, you can't create magic twice. Like, magic exists because, like, you know, it's like, how did this happen? Like, you can't create a miracle twice.

• 1:12:53Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, the impermanence is what made it special.

• 1:12:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12:56Jay Shetty?

  The fact that you didn't believe you could do it again, that's what made it rare. Absolutely, I love that advice, never had that on the show. Question number two, what is the worst advice you've ever heard or received?

• 1:13:05Speaker 01

  All press is good press.

• 1:13:08Speaker 01

  I don't think it's true. I thought it was true and then my friend looked at me and said, "That is not true."

• 1:13:12Jay Shetty?

  It's so painful, man. It's so painful. I agree. It's the worst. I fully agree. Question number three, what was the highlight of Coachella?

• 1:13:21Speaker 01

  The Strokes. Besides like Justin Bieber and stuff, The Strokes. I've always been at the same festival that they've been playing at. And my favorite song of all time, besides The Archer by Taylor Swift, is Someday by The Strokes. And I never got to see it live. And I saw it live and I was on my best friend Will's shoulders. And it was like the best moment of my entire life.

• 1:13:43Jay Shetty?

  Really?

• 1:13:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:43Jay Shetty?

  Wow, that's awesome.

• 1:13:45Speaker 01

  And I have a video of it too. Someone took a video of me. So it was like.

• 1:13:48Jay Shetty?

  You weren't even having to have your camera.

• 1:13:49Speaker 01

  I didn't have to have my phone out. I just got to experience it.

• 1:13:51Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that's beautiful. I love that. Question number four, what are you most excited about this year?

• 1:13:57Speaker 01

  Continuing to like work on my body and work out and show people like how much work I put into my body. And I'm also really excited about working on my show that I have in development. That's been so rewarding and so fun.

• 1:14:15Jay Shetty?

  This is a show about your life, right?

• 1:14:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:14:17Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:17Speaker 01

  And it's just, it's so fun to make fun of yourself.

• 1:14:20Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that's so cool.

• 1:14:21Speaker 01

  And you feel like you can do it a little more in a scripted setting.

• 1:14:25Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm not acting in mine, but we're working on one as well about my life. And I'm like, I'm helping produce it and working with the writers and I'm having so much fun with it.

• 1:14:35Speaker 01

  It's so fun.

• 1:14:35Jay Shetty?

  Because I want to make fun of myself.

• 1:14:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:14:38Jay Shetty?

  And there's no better way to do it than in a scripted show. You're at least getting to play yourself, which I'm not gonna do, but it's like.

• 1:14:43Speaker 01

  I mean, of course, I literally am like, I imagine I can't make a show about myself and not play myself. Cause I'm so desperate for a role. So I'm like, obviously I have to play myself.

• 1:14:55Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's brilliant. Jake, fifth and final question. We ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show. If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?

• 1:15:05Speaker 01

  This is my law. Every airplane should have personalized air conditioning instead of central A C. Cause when it's central, you're like, is it, when is it turning on, da, da, da. But when it's personal and you can just twist it on or off, like every plane should have that.

• 1:15:18Jay Shetty?

  Right.

• 1:15:19Speaker 01

  And that should be the law. And that they also shouldn't oversell airplanes. I never understood that.

• 1:15:23Jay Shetty?

  What do you mean?

• 1:15:24Speaker 01

  You'll be like, we oversold this flight. How?

• 1:15:26Jay Shetty?

  Oh, yeah, yeah. That doesn't make any sense.

• 1:15:28Speaker 01

  How is that legal? How does that work?

• 1:15:29Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:30Speaker 01

  How does that work?

• 1:15:31Jay Shetty?

  What happens in that situation when they do oversell?

• 1:15:33Speaker 01

  They make somebody get off the plane. It's crazy. It's the craziest thing.

• 1:15:37Jay Shetty?

  Has that ever happened to you?

• 1:15:38Speaker 01

  No, I would never. I would never. You'd have to drag me off a plane. If they were, if someone was saying like, we oversold this flight, please, you have to leave. I'd say, over my dead body, am I getting off this plane?

• 1:15:50Jay Shetty?

  So good.

• 1:15:51Speaker 01

  I'm not, I would pick someone else.

• 1:15:53Jay Shetty?

  So good. Jake Shane. Jake, you are so much fun. I love getting to chat to you. I hope you got to open up and share where you're at right now. And honestly, I can't wait to see you continue to win, continue to succeed. And most importantly, I'm excited for you to find that fulfillment that you're seeking. And I'm excited to.

• 1:16:11Speaker 01

  Me too.

• 1:16:12Jay Shetty?

  Be there right by your side as you discover those things. Yeah.

• 1:16:14Speaker 01

  Ah, thank you. Thanks for having me. This was so awesome.

• 1:16:17Jay Shetty?

  Thank you, Jake. You're awesome. That's fantastic.

• 1:16:21Speaker 02

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• 1:16:51Speaker 03

  This episode is brought to you by Netflix's new series, East of Eden. A bold reimagining of John Steinbeck's masterpiece, following generations of the Trask family. Through love, betrayal, and the choices that shape humanity. Starring Mike Feist and Christopher Abbott as the Trask Brothers. And Florence Pugh as Kathy Ames, the complex anti-heroine determined to build the life she wants. No matter the cost. Watch East of Eden, October 1st, only on Netflix.

• 1:17:20Speaker 04

  Mr. President, my company told me of the explosion on our rig on October 2nd. Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami.

• 1:17:27Jay Shetty?

  They all heap the blame on me. Tom Cruise is.

• 1:17:31Speaker 04

  Digger got us into this mess and Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and The Revenant.

• 1:17:37Speaker 05

  What would happen if I stopped doing it? You're strong. You're freezing there. That's what.

• 1:17:41Speaker 04

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 1:17:44Speaker 05

  I'm not the first daddy.

• 1:17:45Speaker 04

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under seventeen. Not a middle without parent.