Tim & Christine Learn About Bimbofication | Your Mom's House Ep. 854

The End is Ari's new storytelling show! It's almost here! Premieres April 16 on https://theend.ymhstudios.com/ . Presale pricing only available for a short time! You get 7 full, hour long episodes of completely unfiltered stories for $24.99. Afterwards, the price will increase so get it now! SPONSORS: - Head to https://BlueChew.com to get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold with code YMH. - Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial today at https://shopify.com Tom Segura and Christina P are back in Studio Jeans for another completely unhinged episode of Your Mom’s House, and this one goes from philosophy class to fake tits in record time. The Main Mommies kick things off by solving the world’s least necessary ethical debate, then dive headfirst into the internet chaos with a wild breakdown of the Kristi Noem husband story involving fetishes, webcam betrayal, and big bimbo boobies. Also in this episode: 80 year old sex symbols, Safety Larry delivering some anxiety-inducing escalator wisdom, Mantak Chia teaches the jeans how to hold testicle and circulate sexual energy, and Tom reveals the kind of fancy gift he gives a fancy chef after a great meal. Plus there’s a hilarious restaurant review, horrifying injury clips, wet floor PTSD, nicotine pouch logic, and a closing stretch of TikToks so deranged it could only live inside the Mommy-Dome. If you're looking for internet weirdos, cool guys, fake boobs, escalator trauma, old-lady thirst, and enough chaotic marriage riffing to keep your jeans high and tight, this ones for you. Your Mom’s House Ep. 854 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinap.com/ https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:03:44 - Opening Clip: Incest Is Cool 00:12:52 - Kristi Noem's Husband 00:22:56 - Horny Granny Wants To Spank Tom 00:27:27 - A Fancy Gift For A Fancy Chef 00:30:30 - Fucking Expensive Restaurant 00:32:39 - Clip: Human Water Gun 00:33:20 - International Realtors 00:36:35 - Safety Larry 00:39:38 - Mantak Chia 00:45:21 - Horrible Or Hilarious 01:00:11 - Mike The Tax Guy 01:03:58 - Christina's TikToks 01:16:37 - Closing Song - "WTF Is Eco-Sex" by Gaping Dad Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:11Tom Segura?

  Now that the weather's finally cooling down, I want to take a second to talk about my go-to supplier when it comes to lighting up a cigar. Whether you're a seasoned smoker, or you just want something to hold while you're hanging around a fire pit this fall, Cigars International has you covered. I can't think of a better excuse to go outside, carve out some alone time, when you find yourself desperately in need of a break from any turkey day-induced stress. As the industry leader, Cigars International enhances these moments with unbeatable deals so you can stock up or try something new without breaking the bank. They've even got free everyday shipping, no codes, no minimums. You just buy the cigars and they show up, that's it. With Cigars International's unbeatable deals and discounts, there's no better time to

• 0:53Tom Segura?

  stock up and take advantage of what is arguably the best time of the year to be a cigar guy. Use code YMH at checkout for 20% off your orders of $50 or more, or visit cigarsinternational.com/ymh and the discount applies automatically. Some exclusions apply. Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. I'm Tom, aka T-Buns. She's Chrissy, aka fart dog. And we are so excited. We have so much ground to cover today. I can't wait to get into all this. One thing I wanted to point out at the very tip-top of this show is that we here at YMH Studios with this great staff and great production produced The End, Ari Shaffir's

• 1:37Tom Segura?

  new and final storytelling show that is a collection of stories told by incredible comics. And it comes out April 16th. It is on pre-sale right now. The amount of talent on this thing is so phenomenal. He really, he got Nate Bargatze, Jim Brewer, Krista Stefano, Shane Gillis, Tony Hinchcliffe, Jordan Jensen, Robert Kelly, Joe List, Mark Norman, Big Jay Okerson, Miss Pat, Jessa Reed, myself, Ari, Ali Siddique, Steve Simone, Dan Soder, Sam Talat, and so on and so on. It was so many great comics, all in that format. If you ever saw Ari's storytelling show that at first he would tour LA with, I think he also did it many times in New York.

• 2:21Tom Segura?

  It was a Comedy Central show. This is him doing that, I believe, one last time. And so you can watch it starting April 16th. You can get all the episodes. You can buy individual episodes. But if you do it now, you get a discount for doing it. And all you have to do is go to ymhstudios.com. The show is called The End. And it's fantastic. It really is so great. This staff did an incredible job producing it. And we're very proud of it. So if you could, if you'd love to, support the show. And if you support shows like this, it just leads to more things like this coming out, you know?

• 3:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, try it out.

• 3:01Tom Segura?

  Try it out, man. Try it out. So there's that. Jean, I know you have.

• 3:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I'm making stand ups, very limited runs. This weekend, just here in Texas, I'm doing Comedy Mothership, April 10th and 11th. And then I go to Irving, Texas.

• 3:21Tom Segura?

  Which is close to.

• 3:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which is Phallus. April 24th and 25th. And then Comedy Works. Yes, it does.

• 3:28Tom Segura?

  Comedy and Prayer. And you're doing.

• 3:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  14th through 16th.

• 3:32Tom Segura?

  Downtown, which is the most incredible place to do stand up comedy. Honestly, like, you've heard it from a million comedians and the reason is because it's true. But that place is magical.

• 3:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really is.

• 3:46Tom Segura?

  And I think you're really gonna enjoy it.

• 3:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  And Chicago, the Den Theater, September 18th and 19th. And also, buy my lipsticks. I'm wearing my new liquid lipstick. This is the Cuts You Up color and I fucking love it. It's so high quality. It's from Italy. It's well made. And I do this myself because I believe in these products, all of them. And then I also did my Velvet Crush blush today. This is Forever Winona. Take it out, christinap.com.

• 4:15Tom Segura?

  Go see her live. Get your makeups.

• 4:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do your things. Do your stuff like that.

• 4:20Tom Segura?

  That's that. We are very excited to have many discussions and show you many interesting things. Things that the mainstream media won't show you. You're not gonna see this on CNN. You're not gonna see this on MSNBC. You're not gonna see this on Fox News. You're only gonna see it here. I understand that sometimes people write articles about what we do on this show. And we will continue to be the people that bring you the real story.

• 4:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's correct, Tom.

• 4:45Tom Segura?

  Are you ready to open the show? Because I think this is an interesting point.

• 4:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I can't wait, yeah.

• 4:49Tom Segura?

  Here we go. Here you go.

• 4:53Speaker 02

  Can someone explain to me what the moral problem with incest is?

• 4:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ayy.

• 4:58Speaker 02

  I, I think that, I think that I don't see really a problem with it as long, as long as you don't have a kid.

• 5:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 5:09Tom Segura?

  That's a really good point.

• 5:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  We'll talk about it.

• 5:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, he felt it.

• 5:54Tom Segura?

  I felt that one. I felt it, dude.

• 5:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's not.

• 6:03Tom Segura?

  Can someone explain the fucking issue with incest? That's a really great question.

• 6:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I say something?

• 6:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 6:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  When I was an undergrad in philosophy, we discussed this.

• 6:12Tom Segura?

  This, I'm sure this is a great philosophical topic.

• 6:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  It kind of is, though, because historically, to maintain and preserve wealth in big families, you would marry a cousin. You would marry your own blood.

• 6:25Tom Segura?

  In tradition, tradition, throughout history, this has been done so much, especially in royalty, right?

• 6:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, they're all inbred.

• 6:30Tom Segura?

  Aside from that, in today's world, there are many occurrences of first cousins marrying.

• 6:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 6:36Tom Segura?

  This is not a rare thing.

• 6:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I don't think you necessarily produce R words if you do your first cousin. I think the only reason incest is discouraged is because of the breeding stuff.

• 6:48Tom Segura?

  So you're, what you're saying is, we got a real philosopher here.

• 6:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think this is Nietzsche.

• 6:54Tom Segura?

  This is.

• 6:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  But do you see a moral problem? I don't. Like, let's say you grew up and you're like, I fucking love my sister Maria. Just the chemistry.

• 7:02Tom Segura?

  Oh, my god.

• 7:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is that necessarily wrong?

• 7:05Tom Segura?

  Well, we know someone. We know someone.

• 7:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, we do know someone.

• 7:09Tom Segura?

  Who one time just went on and on. We were talking to this person about their love life. And the person that we spoke to was like, you know who would be my ideal mate? And we were both like, oh, who? And the person said, my sibling.

• 7:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 7:22Tom Segura?

  And we were like, what?

• 7:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 7:23Tom Segura?

  And then they were like, no, like, my sibling is fun and beautiful and interesting and all this stuff. And we were like, you're talking about your sibling right now?

• 7:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 7:32Tom Segura?

  And he was very like.

• 7:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Very, and very, very normal. Like, yeah, we do everything together. We go to the bathroom.

• 7:39Tom Segura?

  I wish I could meet someone like this.

• 7:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 7:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 7:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, like, I don't have. I have stepsisters.

• 7:45Tom Segura?

  Well, here's the thing, though. But you do have first cousins. Now, could you see yourself scissoring with? You know what I mean? Like, what would you get? You'd be licking each other to death.

• 7:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Licking each other to death. No, no, I did French one of my cousins, though, in Hungary, remember?

• 7:59Tom Segura?

  A first cousin?

• 8:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ninety-four. No.

• 8:01Tom Segura?

  No.

• 8:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Second cousin.

• 8:02Tom Segura?

  No, that's, that changes everything. I mean, I've fucked six second cousins. But a first cousin. Here's the other thing about a first cousin. How often does someone see their first cousin?

• 8:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, a kind of, sometimes a lot, if you're close.

• 8:19Tom Segura?

  I'm saying that I think that plays a role. Because if you see them all the time, maybe it feels more incestuous.

• 8:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 8:26Tom Segura?

  If they're like, this is your first cousin, but you go 11 years without seeing them.

• 8:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 8:32Tom Segura?

  Then you might be like, oh, this is like, feels like a stranger in a way, right? Even though you're told. I think, I don't know, I, I, I think it would be very, very strange.

• 8:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, the, the second cousin that I Frenched.

• 8:45Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 8:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  I had not met him prior to that summer.

• 8:48Tom Segura?

  But that is.

• 8:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  So that's, you're right, there's something to the distance. You, you, you know.

• 8:53Tom Segura?

  Also, a second cousin, it's, it's not as much of a line being.

• 8:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  No. And it felt weird. Honestly, though, after we did, I was kind of like, okay, I think I've, I've tried that. That's the end of that chapter.

• 9:04Tom Segura?

  But was it because, because it's a second cousin?

• 9:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I was like, this is, I can't tell anybody.

• 9:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Until now, I'm, you know, 30 years down the road. Because it was so embarrassing. And my best friend was there with Sean, was there, so she knew. And I just, I felt so embarrassed.

• 9:20Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 9:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  But, but, but, but back to this thing, he's right. Because if you're both of the same age, you're, you're, there's no power discrepancy. Like, like for instance, Woody Allen and his stepdaughter, Soonhee Previn. That's, that's a power thing. That's an older person.

• 9:36Tom Segura?

  Definitely. Cause they're like, remember when I raised you? Yeah.

• 9:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  But if you're together, and let's say you're close in age. What if you're twins?

• 9:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which?

• 9:48Tom Segura?

  Fraternal twins?

• 9:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know.

• 9:50Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 9:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe it could be ideal. You know that person so well.

• 9:54Tom Segura?

  I still can't believe that. I always think about the guy.

• 9:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 9:57Tom Segura?

  That saw me with Sean was like, twins?

• 10:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  You do look like each other.

• 10:02Tom Segura?

  No, we do. People say it all the time. On set, they're like, why isn't this your stand-in? Why isn't this your double? Like, you know, you guys look alike, but this guy looked at me and goes, twins?

• 10:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 10:12Tom Segura?

  And then we were like, yeah. He goes, yeah, I'm a twin. And we were like.

• 10:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  But do you think if you were gay, you would want to be with Sean?

• 10:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah, of course.

• 10:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why? Of course. He's your type, meaning you're your type?

• 10:24Tom Segura?

  No, like we're close. Like we've, you know, we've showered together, we've bathed together, we sleep together.

• 10:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 10:30Tom Segura?

  We feed each other. Yeah.

• 10:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you're your gay type. Like, what's your gay type?

• 10:38Tom Segura?

  I don't, I haven't really put much thought into it. What I'm saying is though, this guy makes somewhat of a point, but I still think, what's the, the moral issue with incest? Is that, isn't that, you don't think there's any?

• 10:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Offspring.

• 10:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah. It's just offspring?

• 10:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I wouldn't, if they're the same age, let's say you two have the same mental capacity. Nobody's of diminished mental capacity. You two were raised together, you're adults.

• 11:03Tom Segura?

  Pussy. Like no one's like that? Okay.

• 11:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Then what, it is the offspring. That's the problem.

• 11:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 11:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause then they come out all touched. They come out a little funky.

• 11:14Tom Segura?

  Well, I never thought that playing this video would lead to such an interesting dialogue.

• 11:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I, you know what though?

• 11:23Tom Segura?

  Let's tap this guy more often.

• 11:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  I, I think I am my gay type.

• 11:29Tom Segura?

  You're your gay type?

• 11:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, because.

• 11:31Tom Segura?

  A woman like you?

• 11:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Cause I'm so gay for Charlize Theron, not that I'm as attractive as her, but she's a blonde. And what color eyes she have? I think I just, maybe I'm narcissistic.

• 11:46Tom Segura?

  Okay, buddy. I've never noticed she had eyes.

• 11:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe I'm attracted to my ideal physical type.

• 11:53Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 11:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Does that make sense? Like, in my, in my dream world, I would look like, I'd want to look like her.

• 12:00Tom Segura?

  But now that you say it, I'm definitely not gay attracted to my type.

• 12:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 12:06Tom Segura?

  I definitely not, because I wouldn't want a hairy guy. I'd be like, oh, my God. I'd want the most feminine version of a man. If I had to be with a man, I'd be like, please don't be masculine.

• 12:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like Timothy Chalamet? He's very femme.

• 12:20Tom Segura?

  Someone I could ragdoll? Yeah. Yeah. Just put him in a headlock, like, I'm fucking you little shit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's exciting.

• 12:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  You would need, like, a small, hairless European. Not American.

• 12:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Better white. Little Italian guy.

• 12:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Man, we really have discovered.

• 12:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 12:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Well, he does make a good point, this guy.

• 12:50Tom Segura?

  Thank you, sir. You led to a really interesting conversation. Jesus Christ.

• 12:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Real thought provoking. Thank you.

• 12:58Speaker 03

  Welcome to the end, everybody. It's a storytelling show. Me and my comedian friends, we're all telling true and really terrible stories.

• 13:04Speaker 04

  Into a toddler's face.

• 13:05Speaker 03

  Wild, face sometimes. Regretful.

• 13:09Speaker 04

  Every STD.

• 13:10Speaker 03

  Horrible.

• 13:10Speaker 04

  I'm gonna fuck you up.

• 13:11Speaker 03

  And amazing stories.

• 13:12Speaker 04

  We just got started. I'm gonna stop the terrorists.

• 13:16Speaker 05

  You're in trouble, bitch.

• 13:17Speaker 03

  Get out of here. It's gonna be a good night.

• 13:19Speaker 04

  It's gonna kill us all.

• 13:22Speaker 04

  You should be in jail. Hey, man, are you okay?

• 13:26Speaker 06

  I actually do well. You don't fucking talk to me, okay?

• 13:30Speaker 04

  I'm a disciple of the Lord. Not in this spot. How did I get here? How did this happen?

• 13:36Tom Segura?

  That's a good question.

• 13:50Speaker 04

  You guys ready to start the show?

• 13:53Tom Segura?

  Now that the weather's finally cooling down, I want to take a second to talk about my go-to supplier when it comes to lighting up a cigar. Whether you're a seasoned smoker, or you just want something to hold while you're hanging around a fire pit this fall, Cigars International has you covered. I can't think of a better excuse to go outside, carve out some alone time, when you find yourself desperately in need of a break from any turkey day induced stress. As the industry leader, Cigars International enhances these moments with unbeatable deals so you can stock up or try something new without breaking the bank. They've even got free everyday shipping, no codes, no minimums. You just buy the cigars and they show up, that's it. With Cigars International's unbeatable deals and discounts, there's no better time to

• 14:35Tom Segura?

  stock up and take advantage of what is arguably the best time of the year to be a cigar guy. Use code YMH at checkout for 20% off your orders of $50 or more, or visit cigarsinternational.com/ymh and the discount applies automatically. Some exclusions apply.

• 14:54Speaker 08

  At Edward Jones, we believe rich is about taking care of what gives your life meaning. That's why your financial advisor personalizes your plan to help you preserve your progress and create something that lasts. Let's find your rich. Edward Jones. Member SIPC.

• 15:09Tom Segura?

  So, this has been in the news, and I know, you know, it's not, it's certainly not breaking news for us, but it's so fascinating, this Kristi Noem's husband's story.

• 15:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, boy.

• 15:20Tom Segura?

  I'm just like...

• 15:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, boy.

• 15:21Tom Segura?

  I'm just, I've only seen the peripherally what's happening.

• 15:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 15:26Tom Segura?

  I don't really know the story.

• 15:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Me too.

• 15:28Tom Segura?

  What is the actual story? Can you, can you bring this up for me, please? Because I know that this guy's photo was revealed to, he likes putting on big tits, right?

• 15:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Putting on the tits.

• 15:39Tom Segura?

  That's his kink?

• 15:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's his thing.

• 15:41Tom Segura?

  It's his thing?

• 15:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 15:43Tom Segura?

  We had just briefly talked about, why do you have to put it out there? Just jerk off at home with your tits on.

• 15:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, okay, because, Tom, the whole point of getting big fakers is to show off your big fakers.

• 15:57Tom Segura?

  Have them acknowledged.

• 15:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, like, that's why you get them.

• 15:59Tom Segura?

  You get big fakers for people to fucking say, "Nice tits."

• 16:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nice tits.

• 16:02Tom Segura?

  So, look at this guy too. By the way, very like gruff looking guy, too.

• 16:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, I would never pick him.

• 16:09Tom Segura?

  Like, it's always like...

• 16:11Tom Segura?

  So let's say, model was paid $25 a minute to talk dirty with the crossdressing husband.

• 16:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  25 bucks a minute?

• 16:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 16:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Damn, that's good.

• 16:19Tom Segura?

  He liked to perform for her during the video sessions. And why did this bitch sell him out? See, like, he paid her, right? Did he stiff you on the payment? "I definitely remember his face, but there's no way I could ever forget the fake boobs." This woman who uses this name said, "Earlier the week, the Daily Mail published photos of him, Christie's husband of 34 years, seemingly wearing a large pair of fake breasts under a tight top and a pair of hot pants." So he liked, it's part of the bimbofication scene. A role-playing kink centered around exaggerated, hyper-sexual femininity. So this is the woman he would talk to. They sent shockwaves around Washington. President Trump addressed it. "I don't know anything about it, that's too bad." But I just, I don't know anything about it.

• 17:03Tom Segura?

  "Security experts suggest the existence of photographs could have been made, could have made his wife subject to potential blackmail threats." Okay, it's astounding that somebody who spouses at the level has that kind of bad. So maybe it's just that he kept those photos around and then they leaked, you know? Somehow leaked? They were stolen or something?

• 17:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  So I heard that they were, yeah, they were leaked on a Reddit. But first of all, if this hoe, she just ruined her own business.

• 17:25Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 17:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why would you do this?

• 17:27Tom Segura?

  But maybe she's saying it after, like, she had nothing to do with the leak? That's the part that I don't really know about. She claimed that he paid her webcam services between 10 and 15 times over a two-year period. So he's fucking, why are you talking about him?

• 17:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know.

• 17:42Tom Segura?

  "I wondered what happened to him." "Oh, but clients come and go." So she hasn't dealt with him in a while. She said she never judged her clients' preferences, but saw hypocrisy in, oh, in a conservative Christian father of three.

• 17:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, he's one of those, okay.

• 17:53Tom Segura?

  Who was married to a Trump official, so maybe she's like, oh, fuck this guy. I don't know.

• 17:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, fuck that guy.

• 17:57Tom Segura?

  But there it is.

• 17:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  I will say.

• 17:59Tom Segura?

  Fucking hot, dude, those are some big old tits.

• 18:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  His nips are fucked up, too. Nobody's nipples are that.

• 18:05Tom Segura?

  But that's just the thing he throws on when he wants to get off.

• 18:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's, of course, a dude does it wrong like that. Nobody's nips are...

• 18:12Tom Segura?

  Right, but I mean, what do you expect them to have? They're not implants. He just puts this on, he goes, "Look at my big tits."

• 18:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so dumb, I know. Yeah, see, I do agree. If he's like a conservative telling people how to live their lives.

• 18:23Tom Segura?

  It's always that. That's why it's always these pastors that they're like, I have a fucking grinder account. You know, I'm getting sucked off in the back of the chapel.

• 18:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just be gay. I go, just go for it.

• 18:34Tom Segura?

  They have to go like, gay is evil.

• 18:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 18:37Tom Segura?

  The Lord has.

• 18:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 18:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's just like, it's.

• 18:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  They have to repress the, the thing.

• 18:41Tom Segura?

  They repress it so much.

• 18:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 18:43Tom Segura?

  And then you gotta.

• 18:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, this is such a neat one.

• 18:47Tom Segura?

  But you know, you make a good point. You make a good point. It's, you want people to say, those are some great big tits you got.

• 18:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  So, so if it's hyper, hyper feminization.

• 18:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 18:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  And that's what those chicks want.

• 19:00Tom Segura?

  And then they're like, your tits are so big.

• 19:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  That, that's what they want. Oh my God, I know, aren't they?

• 19:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 19:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're so heavy, my back hurts. Like, all I see is back pain. When I see that guy, I'm like, ugh.

• 19:11Tom Segura?

  Nipples are so sensitive today.

• 19:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ew.

• 19:13Tom Segura?

  He's like.

• 19:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hate it.

• 19:14Tom Segura?

  He's like, learned all the things to say. Sometimes they still leak, but from my breast fat. Yeah.

• 19:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, I hated having big tits. I, this is the absolute worst fetish for me.

• 19:26Tom Segura?

  Ah, wow.

• 19:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm so glad I don't have tits like that.

• 19:28Tom Segura?

  He just wanted those big tits acknowledged, you know?

• 19:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 19:31Tom Segura?

  I think you're right.

• 19:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  He just wanted to show them off. Cause look at his, his mouth too. He's like, mm, look at me.

• 19:38Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 19:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's a bad girl.

• 19:39Tom Segura?

  The pursed lips?

• 19:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh-huh. Can we see like what he was actually putting out there in the world? I wanna see his frame of mind. What, who does he think he is when he's wearing those big tits? That's what's interesting. Yeah. See, he's doing like duck face.

• 19:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's doing duck face.

• 19:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  So he's like, mm, I'm just a bad little girl with my big tits. And he likes.

• 19:58Tom Segura?

  He's got his little hot pink pants on.

• 20:01Tom Segura?

  Can you, is that, is there a carousel there? Is there like other photos or no?

• 20:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  But why doesn't he wear a wig and lipstick too? It's just the tits. That's like you, like a beard and tits. It's so weird.

• 20:17Tom Segura?

  I'm such an ugly woman.

• 20:23Tom Segura?

  There's like, there's, there's no amount of shit you can do to me.

• 20:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  If you wanted.

• 20:28Tom Segura?

  I've done it.

• 20:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 20:29Tom Segura?

  I've, I've, you'll see me as a woman and it ain't good.

• 20:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, oh, okay. So he did accessor, like he wore the hot pants.

• 20:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 20:38Speaker 09

  So this is the article that leaked it from the Daily Mail.

• 20:41Tom Segura?

  Oh, this is, is there lipstick on? There's lipstick on there.

• 20:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah, it's pink.

• 20:45Tom Segura?

  So he did do lipstick.

• 20:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, good girl. Well, at least he tried. He should have put a wig on. I would have gone with longer hair. See, see, but look at his face. Go down. Yeah, he's doing serious fuck me vibes. He's like, don't I look good like this?

• 20:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 20:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bitch, you know you want this. But who wants this? Guys or girls?

• 21:03Tom Segura?

  Well, that's the thing is like, he, he's, if it's exaggerated, it says hyper femininity and is exaggerated. I don't, I wonder if, if his thing is he wants other women to go, cause he hired a female.

• 21:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right.

• 21:16Tom Segura?

  To be like, you're so hot, just like me. Like maybe the sex person is like, we're both hot. Because otherwise, wouldn't he want a guy to be like, you're so fucking?

• 21:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  I wanna fuck you, you're hot. So he doesn't, that's, so wait, so wait a minute. He's a straight guy.

• 21:30Tom Segura?

  Green leggings?

• 21:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who wants to be a lesbian.

• 21:33Tom Segura?

  Maybe. That's what it seems like.

• 21:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 21:35Tom Segura?

  Cause he's asking a female.

• 21:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  And maybe the female he's asking, cause the woman that he was tricking with was a brunette, like his wife. So that's his type.

• 21:45Tom Segura?

  Maybe he, that's what he wanted, you know?

• 21:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Interesting. God, that's such an easy, and can I also say that as in terms of fetishes, that's like the easiest one to accommodate for a husband. If he's like, I, I like to put on tits and hot pants. Great. Let's lock the door and put on your tits and.

• 22:03Tom Segura?

  And I'll tell you how hot your tits are.

• 22:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 22:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 22:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is such a nothing burger in sexuality.

• 22:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 22:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's no cleanup. It's just the simplest, easiest thing.

• 22:12Tom Segura?

  Well, it doesn't say if then he just like stroked it and he's like, oh no, my cum got all over my tits, you know? There's not, there's no.

• 22:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm sure it got there.

• 22:20Tom Segura?

  But also, that's easy to, that's fine.

• 22:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, but what I'm saying by no cleanup is that he's not asking to shit on your face.

• 22:26Tom Segura?

  He stuffed two balloons?

• 22:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, that's so lame.

• 22:28Tom Segura?

  That's what it says. Positioning the knots to mimic nipples. That's why they don't look like, like scroll down, see if that is right. Like, look at them.

• 22:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  So, yeah.

• 22:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, those are balloon knots.

• 22:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  What an idiot.

• 22:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 22:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  You dope.

• 22:42Tom Segura?

  Well, he didn't want to have a big set of tits laying around.

• 22:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, then, no, I like.

• 22:47Tom Segura?

  What he did was, in the morning, he would go out, come home, be like, hey, kids, I got you some balloons. And then when the kids would go down, he'd get those balloons. Yeah.

• 22:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then put it online, which is much more secretive than just.

• 22:57Tom Segura?

  Well, I don't think that, I don't know that he, I think this is a,

• 22:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  A hooker.

• 23:00Tom Segura?

  Some, some type of leak. Yeah, some type of leak.

• 23:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Somehow it took a screenshot of him and put that shit on there, dude.

• 23:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 23:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, you can't trust fools on the internet, bro. What are you doing?

• 23:09Tom Segura?

  Bimbofication scene. Yeah. It's really wild.

• 23:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bimbofication.

• 23:13Tom Segura?

  All right.

• 23:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cool. Oh, hold on. They transform themselves into real-life Barbie dolls by pumping colossal amounts of saline into their breasts.

• 23:21Tom Segura?

  That's the ones who really do it.

• 23:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  The real girls. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I totally understand, the Barbie thing, because we grew up playing with those dolls and you want to look like them.

• 23:30Tom Segura?

  I mean, and also, we are in society when you're walking around.

• 23:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 23:34Tom Segura?

  You're seeing, sometimes you're just like, whatever. You're at the mall or the grocery store, and you'll see a woman walk by and you're like, and it's like colossal tits.

• 23:47Tom Segura?

  And you're like, oh, she's, she's really doing it. She's like, don't I look good? And you're like, oh, fucking really cool look you got going on. You don't look even human.

• 23:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 23:57Tom Segura?

  Shit.

• 23:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is this? He sent his secret roster of online acquaintances at least 25 grand.

• 24:03Tom Segura?

  Via Cash App and PayPal.

• 24:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Idiot.

• 24:06Tom Segura?

  When the payments were delayed or failed to materialize, the chat would quickly turn sour.

• 24:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, there you go.

• 24:13Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 24:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he's not, he's not a bad looking dude.

• 24:16Tom Segura?

  No.

• 24:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  He could have been an attractive woman if he tried, if he really tried.

• 24:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 24:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just try. Guys are so lazy. Oh, just put the fucking balloons under a nude shirt. Looks terrible.

• 24:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 24:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking asshole. There you go.

• 24:30Tom Segura?

  Really crazy.

• 24:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Um.

• 24:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's always bad fashion, too. It's like, guys never know how to be good at looking like chicks. Like, there needs to be a consultation, like a place where dudes can go and like a woman can help you look like a better woman. I would do this.

• 24:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 24:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, you look terrible, sir.

• 24:53Tom Segura?

  That is a really good service.

• 24:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking idiot.

• 24:55Tom Segura?

  For like, the man that goes, I wanna look more like a woman, to have women.

• 25:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Help.

• 25:01Tom Segura?

  Help, consult with them, be like.

• 25:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, cuz these guys don't know how to do it. Every time I see these clowns on Instagram, they look terrible.

• 25:09Tom Segura?

  Terrible.

• 25:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I will help you, gay sirs.

• 25:12Tom Segura?

  It's not good.

• 25:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's okay.

• 25:13Tom Segura?

  All right, speaking of.

• 25:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't have time for that shit.

• 25:16Tom Segura?

  Kiki sexy things.

• 25:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm not helping anybody do anything anymore.

• 25:19Speaker 04

  Tom, you deserve a spanking.

• 25:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  She looks great, by the way.

• 25:28Tom Segura?

  She does look great.

• 25:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's your mom's age.

• 25:30Tom Segura?

  Awesome.

• 25:32Tom Segura?

  Uh, we played, some of her, her previous videos aren't in here, but we played this woman before.

• 25:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-hmm.

• 25:39Tom Segura?

  Um, and she was doing, um, sexy things.

• 25:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-hmm.

• 25:43Tom Segura?

  And I believe she has an OnlyFans.

• 25:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, she's supporting herself.

• 25:47Tom Segura?

  We were, we played those, and, um, we talked about them, and then this came out.

• 25:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-hmm. But how do you feel being a sex symbol now?

• 25:56Tom Segura?

  I don't think, that's not what's happening. She just told me that I need, I deserved a spanking.

• 26:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which makes you a sex symbol, like, people are making sexy videos for you now. Doesn't that feel nice?

• 26:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it does feel nice.

• 26:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  But as far as like, the eighty-year-old market goes, I would say she's top shelf. Like, she's really good looking.

• 26:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all, honestly, I hope you support this lady.

• 26:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 26:22Tom Segura?

  I really do hope you support her.

• 26:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  We support her. Well, let's, let's give her a shout out. What's her, uh, OnlyFans name?

• 26:28Tom Segura?

  Do you know? This is Linda Hope, 1939, the year of her birth. Jesus Christ.

• 26:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's wearing a nine inch nail shirt.

• 26:40Speaker 10

  The link is on my Instagram, bitch. I am Linda Hope. The link is on. Who wore it best? Me or that sad lady?

• 26:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Linda, Linda, Linda.

• 26:53Tom Segura?

  You love this.

• 26:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love her, dude.

• 26:55Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 26:55Speaker 09

  So now she's just tagging us and everything too.

• 26:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 26:58Tom Segura?

  Oh, nice. All right. Well.

• 26:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  All right, Linda.

• 27:00Tom Segura?

  Please support Linda. Yeah, that's really cool. I really hope you continue to create content, as the folks say. And you guys don't have to watch it, but maybe somebody out there will. I will. Oh, there you go.

• 27:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah. And he's smashing it.

• 27:19Tom Segura?

  We'll have a watch party for it.

• 27:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm sorry? You will?

• 27:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Nice. Dudes, you already know what time it is. It's time to level up. And BlueChew just dropped something crazy. BlueChew Gold is the newest innovation from the number one chewable ED brand. This isn't your grandpa's little blue pill. This is the four in one performance pill that's setting the gold standard. We're talking two ingredients for blood flow to keep that thing pumping. Mixed with apomorphine and oxytocin to turn up the arousal and connection in your brain and body. BlueChew Gold dissolves under your tongue and works in as little as 15 minutes. That means you can get it on quicker and stay in the game longer. Forget Netflix and chill. It's time to Netflix and fill her up with guess what? Up to you. I love it.

• 28:05Tom Segura?

  I have taken it this morning and I'm feeling ready right now. Make life easier by getting it harder. Discover your options at bluechew.com. We've got a special deal for our listeners. Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold with code YMH. That's promo code Y M H. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast. I think we can all agree that online shopping has gotten dangerously easy, especially when you go to checkout and see that purple shop pay button. No more digging for my wallet or password reset bullshit. It's online shopping, but streamlined. You can say thanks to Shopify for that. Cha.

• 28:48Tom Segura?

  Shopify is the platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e-commerce in the US from household names and brands like ours here at YMH. Not only is our merch store powered by Shopify, Christina turned to them when launching her cosmetics and it's been a dream. Shopify possesses world-class expertise in everything from managing inventory, international shipping, to processing returns and 24/7 customer support. Shopify will help you get your brand out there as if there was an entire marketing team behind you with easy-to-run email and media campaigns. See less carts abandoned and more sales go cha-ching with Shopify and their Shop Pay button.

• 29:31Tom Segura?

  Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com/ YMH. Go to Shopify.com/ YMH. That's Shopify.com/ YMH. Cha-ching. Oh, I also, I should have told you that I did this, but I just did this. I hope you're okay with this. I'm gonna send you, I'm gonna play this for you right now.

• 29:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh oh.

• 29:53Tom Segura?

  Just make sure you're okay with it.

• 29:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh dear.

• 29:56Speaker 11

  Look what Tom Segura gave me for being the Michelin star chef. Look what he gave me for being the Michelin star chef. Beautiful and nice. Look what he gave me for being the Michelin star chef and winning. Segura.

• 30:14Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 30:15Speaker 11

  Tom Segura. Zoom, zoom.

• 30:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 30:19Speaker 11

  Zoom, zoom.

• 30:21Tom Segura?

  So, I probably should have, you know, run it by you, but I was like, man, you're such a good chef. And then I bought him this Lamborghini and I had to ship it.

• 30:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  You bought him a Lamborghini?

• 30:31Tom Segura?

  Well, he did a great job cooking.

• 30:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  How much did that cost?

• 30:35Tom Segura?

  I don't think that was much. It was maybe like 300 grand or something.

• 30:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my God, Tom.

• 30:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 30:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Great.

• 30:41Tom Segura?

  So, just so you know, I was like, man, whenever anyone cooks me like an awesome meal, a lot of times I'll buy them a car.

• 30:53Tom Segura?

  You know?

• 30:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, no, I know.

• 30:55Tom Segura?

  I'm like, man, that was fucking really good. You know, so I'll be like, do you want a car? And I'll just like ship him a car.

• 31:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 31:02Tom Segura?

  So, um, yeah, just so you know. I got him that Lamborghini.

• 31:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Perfect.

• 31:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And I was not expecting him to put it out there, but I guess, you know, he was overwhelmed by the gesture. And he was like, thank you for sending this.

• 31:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cool.

• 31:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah. So, you know, um, anyway, if you want to cook, you know, for me, you know how it goes. If it's good, it'll probably be like a car or something as the thank you. Yeah.

• 31:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Very generous.

• 31:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I mean, well, I just, I was like, man, this, I've never had anything like this. Remember he did the John Segura here?

• 31:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  It was kind of worth it. I'm sorry, you're right. Like, I was first upset.

• 31:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 31:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then I was like, how much would you pay for that meal? Three hundred thousand?

• 31:41Tom Segura?

  Easily, right? Yeah.

• 31:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, you're right. I'm so stupid.

• 31:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 31:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  First I don't see it and then I see it.

• 31:47Tom Segura?

  In a way, too, if you really think about it.

• 31:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 31:50Tom Segura?

  He's only crediting me with this gift. Maybe you should send him something too and be like, oh, that was from Tom. This is from me.

• 31:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a great idea. What can I send him to top a Lamborghini?

• 32:01Tom Segura?

  There's so many things.

• 32:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  He needs a yacht.

• 32:04Tom Segura?

  They are jewelry. He loves jewelry. He wears mink coats, you know? And you could be like, that was Tom's thanks. This is my thanks.

• 32:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, okay.

• 32:15Tom Segura?

  He's always walking out of designer stores. He'll be like, are you rolling? And he'll walk out and then, you know, so maybe like you get him like a shopping spree or something.

• 32:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a great idea. At Hermes? Hermes?

• 32:26Tom Segura?

  Hermes, Louis Vuitton.

• 32:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  They love that stuff. People love that stuff. All right, let's do it.

• 32:32Tom Segura?

  I mean, I think it's reasonable. The meal was fucking unbelievable. Like, you're not going to say thank you?

• 32:40Tom Segura?

  Obviously, I said a huge thanks.

• 32:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 32:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 32:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's cool. It's good.

• 32:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 32:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 32:46Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 32:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  He needs a Lamborghini.

• 32:47Tom Segura?

  What's fair is fair. All right.

• 32:51Tom Segura?

  You and I both actually speaking of it, we love food. We love good restaurants, good experiences. I saw this review that I thought would be fun to, for us to review.

• 33:02Speaker 12

  So today I fucking went to the fucking most expensive fucking restaurant in my city. And the fucking vibe of this fucking restaurant is so amazing. Like there were flowers and everything decorative. I love the fucking vibe here. And then I fucking ordered this fucking, I don't know pasta. It's a fucking pasta. And I ordered this fucking garlic noodles. It's a fucking noodles. And I ordered this fucking pizza too. It's a very delicious pizza. And I ate all these things and these old things are so good. I loved it. I liked it.

• 33:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love it. I love this. These are the best reviews.

• 33:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 33:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is all I understand.

• 33:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 33:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is all I understand in the world.

• 33:39Tom Segura?

  And you have, you know, the connection to your Indian.

• 33:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  My Indian step family.

• 33:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, yes.

• 33:44Tom Segura?

  So then he does a, I think a.

• 33:46Speaker 12

  And this fucking video is sponsored by Rochester Wood Studio from Michigan, United States. They paid for this food. I loved it, man. Follow me for more fucking content.

• 33:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  This kid's brilliant.

• 33:58Tom Segura?

  I love it.

• 33:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  To have people sponsoring him to eat in nice restaurants. Good on you, son.

• 34:02Tom Segura?

  This is Sumit Yadav, AKA, I don't even know how to say the, something summit. But he does these reviews.

• 34:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you know where in India he is?

• 34:11Tom Segura?

  Uh, where is he?

• 34:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Guys, send this guy some cash. Let him, let the boy eat.

• 34:15Tom Segura?

  I love, these guys put their descriptions in my folder. It says where, some fucking expensive restaurant.

• 34:24Tom Segura?

  And it says he was sponsored by a business in Michigan. And it says aftermath, he digested the fucking meal.

• 34:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 34:31Tom Segura?

  Well done, boys. Well done.

• 34:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hey. This guy rules.

• 34:35Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 34:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  I could watch him do this, by the way, all day.

• 34:39Tom Segura?

  I, that's what I was, I was like, this is really nice. This is really cool.

• 34:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is some fucking noodles? And you're like, yes, dude. That's how people talk. I ordered some fucking shit and it was good.

• 34:49Tom Segura?

  I'd like to ask you, do you like, when you want to see something you will like or won't like?

• 34:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Start me off with something sour and then give me something sweet.

• 34:56Tom Segura?

  That you like. Okay. This is just weird. And I just saw it today. I did not, I didn't send this. I didn't plan this. But this is just strange. And I think you'll be like, oh my God.

• 35:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ah! Why are you doing that?

• 35:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I just told you it was gonna be.

• 35:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why do you do it?

• 35:13Tom Segura?

  I didn't.

• 35:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't like it!

• 35:14Tom Segura?

  He's just, he did, it's just water.

• 35:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, but it's not, it don't like it. I don't like it!

• 35:19Tom Segura?

  Okay, alright, Jesus.

• 35:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Stop it!

• 35:21Tom Segura?

  I told you it was gonna be sour. Okay, okay, alright.

• 35:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is fucking wrong with you? Why is he puking up so much water?

• 35:27Tom Segura?

  That's what he does, to ask, I didn't fucking find it.

• 35:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why is he doing that?

• 35:30Tom Segura?

  It's his trick.

• 35:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't like it!

• 35:32Tom Segura?

  Okay, I took it off. It's done. This is the one that I think you'll like, okay?

• 35:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Here's the worst.

• 35:37Tom Segura?

  Here's what I think you'll like.

• 35:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  I fucking hate you so much.

• 35:39Tom Segura?

  Here's what I think you'll like. Okay.

• 35:42Speaker 13

  If you have thirty seven thousand dollars and dream to own large house with pool and backyard, this house can be yours. Just speak up and I'll make it happen.

• 35:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 35:53Speaker 13

  Thank you.

• 35:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is every Hungarian guy I grew up with. This is San Fernando Valley, dude. Gassiano, she's so.

• 35:59Speaker 04

  Friends, this beautiful dream home, approximately one thousand dollar mortgage every month, close to the funeral.

• 36:07Tom Segura?

  Close to the funeral.

• 36:08Speaker 04

  Amazing location, right here on public transportation and the grocery.

• 36:14Tom Segura?

  Though, one of the things that I love about these is it highlights just how low the bar is to get into real estate. Like, you have, you don't even have to be able to speak the language.

• 36:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 36:27Tom Segura?

  You don't have, and you can be like, you know what's great about this? There's a funeral home across the street, like, these guys, there's no, there's no bar for real estate.

• 36:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, that's why my mother told me, cuz she's like, it's for foreigners, okay?

• 36:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Immigrants, cuz my Indian stepdad was doing real estate, she was doing real estate. It is something, you can have like a prison record and sell real estate. You can be scum of the earth and sell fucking real estate and make a great living.

• 36:53Tom Segura?

  It's not in the folder, but I just saw one where a guy, his entire face is completely tatted, and he's doing a tour. He's like, check out this house right here. He's doing a full tour. He's like, hit me up, Sotheby's, whatever. You're like, yeah dude, it's for anyone.

• 37:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's, well, it's, well, I don't know if it's for any, and it's for people who are very hyperactive too, because.

• 37:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah, a lot of energy, you need energy.

• 37:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  You need a lot, because.

• 37:21Tom Segura?

  The Russian didn't have a lot, by the way.

• 37:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, he's like, come on. You're twenty-four seven working in real estate, it's very, it's a very demanding.

• 37:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah. This is not who I was talking about, but this is another example, yeah.

• 37:37Tom Segura?

  This guy's wearing a prison jumpsuit.

• 37:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yo.

• 37:39Speaker 04

  We're gonna start this tour off with the mess hall right here. You and your partners can come over here, eat. Or you could play.

• 37:44Tom Segura?

  See, but this guy, this is not what I'm talking about. Cause he's doing it.

• 37:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a joke.

• 37:48Tom Segura?

  Kind of, that's kind of comedically. I was talking about a guy who I just saw, who did a genuine, like, real tour and is, I mean, all tatted up, right? And he, and he works for like a real real estate place. Yeah. I'll find it. I'll find it. I'll send it to you.

• 38:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  But don't, I kind of like that now that society is so open. Like, fucking great. Let that guy have a shot at life.

• 38:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 38:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Before you couldn't, you couldn't do anything if you were weird.

• 38:17Tom Segura?

  It's great that, that there's one final option for you. If everything has gone wrong for you professionally, there's always real estate.

• 38:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's the last stop. Yeah.

• 38:30Tom Segura?

  You could be like, I have been arrested. Shit's falling apart. I have, I've pissed, tested positive for coke and fentanyl. I have a record of all.

• 38:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bankruptcy.

• 38:40Tom Segura?

  Fraud. And they'll be like, you wanna come sell some houses? And you're like, yes, you can still do that. You can still sell houses.

• 38:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can't even bartend if you're fucked up so much. Like, no.

• 38:51Tom Segura?

  No. Well, look, let's stop fucking around with jokes. And talk about something serious.

• 38:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh oh.

• 38:59Tom Segura?

  Right?

• 39:00Speaker 14

  Everybody, I want you to take a look at these videos.

• 39:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shit. Oh, no.

• 39:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, shit. Oh, dude, no. Oh, dude, no, no, not the kid. No, no, no, no, no. Fuck.

• 39:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, if you got wheels, don't go near the escalator.

• 39:27Tom Segura?

  Look what this, look what this psycho does.

• 39:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  You got a walker?

• 39:29Tom Segura?

  No, they, they jump on the handrail.

• 39:38Tom Segura?

  Is this your first time on a, oh my God?

• 39:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh! Oh! Oh!

• 39:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dummy?

• 39:47Tom Segura?

  Fuck!

• 39:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Take the elevator, you stupid shit.

• 39:49Tom Segura?

  Larry, what's the point of all this?

• 39:51Speaker 14

  Now, getting on and off an escalator, please, do not bring strollers.

• 39:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Duh.

• 39:57Speaker 14

  Do not bring shopping carts. Do not bring wheelchairs. Do not bring walkers. As we could see from these videos, things ended badly for these people.

• 40:08Tom Segura?

  They did, thank you Larry.

• 40:09Speaker 14

  These are pieces of machinery that just will not stop. So be extra cautious when stepping onto an escalator. Be well, be safe.

• 40:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you Larry. Finally, somebody said it.

• 40:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah, the whole time I've been like, I never think when I get on an escalator.

• 40:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Never.

• 40:25Tom Segura?

  Sometimes I have like a cart or like, you know?

• 40:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I've done luggage, shopping carts, stroll, I've done everything. Nobody's told me not to.

• 40:33Tom Segura?

  I've started scanning rooms and parking lots like crazy.

• 40:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, me too.

• 40:37Tom Segura?

  Right, I always look for exits and I also go, what could be an improvised weapon in any moment? Like, I always think of that. Um, I've been using knives more, you know, mace. Uh, I've been trying to go to the range to kind of get a little sharper with my, my shot, but um, man, escalators, you're like, I never think about that.

• 40:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Never thought about that before.

• 40:58Tom Segura?

  That's the fucking value of Larry, honestly, is like, he brings up stuff that you're like, oh yeah.

• 41:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 41:03Tom Segura?

  I just get on the escalators willy-nilly all the time.

• 41:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Willy-nilly, not even thinking. You know what I always think about is his garage tip? That string that hangs down?

• 41:12Tom Segura?

  Oh my god.

• 41:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  That haunts me nightly.

• 41:14Tom Segura?

  And I don't know if he's on a video about, um, automatic doors, but I've been thinking about those more.

• 41:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 41:19Tom Segura?

  I mean, those can cut you in half, right?

• 41:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 41:21Tom Segura?

  Like, if you don't think about when it's gonna close?

• 41:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 41:24Tom Segura?

  You gotta time those out.

• 41:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, where the sensor doesn't work and it chops you in half.

• 41:27Tom Segura?

  Or you walk right into the glass, shadow of the glass. Face goes through the glass.

• 41:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god.

• 41:32Tom Segura?

  Whole life is different.

• 41:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, not even just escalators, but like stairs in general. Remember when I fell downstairs?

• 41:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 41:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I broke my ankle, like?

• 41:40Tom Segura?

  I do remember.

• 41:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I remember that?

• 41:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I, I do recall.

• 41:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  You remember?

• 41:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I do recall.

• 41:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  And like, just regular stairs are scary too.

• 41:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 41:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everything's scary.

• 41:49Tom Segura?

  And Larry's here to remind us.

• 41:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, thank you Larry. Everything's scary.

• 41:53Tom Segura?

  That's a good name for this next book.

• 41:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everything's scary Larry.

• 41:56Tom Segura?

  Everything is scary Larry, written by Larry.

• 42:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Be scared. You forgot to be afraid today.

• 42:02Tom Segura?

  Larry is here to remind us that everything is scary. And then sometimes we have to remind them of other things.

• 42:08Speaker 15

  Hold the testicle.

• 42:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 42:10Speaker 15

  And you put one hand on the navel and we call it a spiral. Um, spiral. So this, when your hand hold it's way. And the hand had chi, so it chain the sperm.

• 42:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 42:24Speaker 15

  Uh, the sexual energy.

• 42:25Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 42:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Are you doing it?

• 42:26Speaker 15

  The sexual energy come up and when you massage this.

• 42:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 42:30Speaker 15

  Thirty six time. And um, it chain the ching back into chi.

• 42:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Change, it changes the ching back into chong?

• 42:38Tom Segura?

  Can you imagine if Montauk and Larry got together for a session?

• 42:44Tom Segura?

  And this guy's like, hold testicle. And Larry's like, I am looking over your shoulders. I'm wondering if there's an intruder.

• 42:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Are Montauk and Will Blunderfeld, the two of them love their genitals. They love their fluids.

• 42:58Tom Segura?

  I think Will would take a natural student approach. Cause Montauk's the legend. He's the, this guy's the legend.

• 43:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 43:06Tom Segura?

  I mean, this guy does these like tour, worldwide tours that people go to to hear him talk about their testicles and.

• 43:14Speaker 15

  Put the egg in your vagina.

• 43:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's converted me more because I follow him on Instagram.

• 43:21Tom Segura?

  Montauk?

• 43:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-hmm.

• 43:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  And now it kind of makes more sense to me.

• 43:25Tom Segura?

  He's brilliant. He's brilliant.

• 43:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  All the stuff, the energy does circulate in your body.

• 43:29Tom Segura?

  It's just that he's talking about a topic that most people just don't talk about. So then you hear him talk about it and it's like, it makes you laugh with your, you know, juvenile mind. And then the accent's also, let's be honest, it's fucking funny.

• 43:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's the best.

• 43:42Speaker 15

  Okay. Because you bring the jing chi up, the sexual energy up, up. And you have the tian. And you have this tian can chong form chi. The jing chi, the sexual energy. So you spiral thirty six. Not one, two, three, four.

• 44:00Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 44:00Speaker 15

  Five, six.

• 44:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know where he's going. Seven, eight.

• 44:04Tom Segura?

  You know where he's going.

• 44:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nine.

• 44:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Going to other numbers. Yeah.

• 44:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's gonna do the whole thirty six times.

• 44:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 44:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he's gripping his balls.

• 44:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and you have to sit at a like at one of these conferences that everyone's like, I'm so excited. You gotta watch this man, this like somewhat elderly man, just hold on to his nuts as he talks to you and be like, yes, master. Thank you.

• 44:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  But he's so real with it.

• 44:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he is.

• 44:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's not nasty.

• 44:29Tom Segura?

  It's not nasty.

• 44:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's not salacious.

• 44:31Tom Segura?

  No.

• 44:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think that's why he sells this for me now.

• 44:33Tom Segura?

  And then you have to go like, I feel like you could be someone who like literally goes up to him and go like, I started taking your courses and like, I stroke my sword 150 times a day. And he's just like, good, good. And I'm like, so much control, so much excitement now. I feel the energy. And he's like, yeah. And you don't feel like you had a perverted conversation with

• 44:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's right.

• 44:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 44:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  But what is he like sexually then?

• 44:57Tom Segura?

  The greatest lover of all. That's the thing is.

• 44:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 45:00Tom Segura?

  You think the greatest lover of all time looks like Fabio, like the flowing hair and the physique. This guy is actually who I believe makes love better than anybody on planet Earth. Yes.

• 45:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause he understands the energy, the chi, the sexual organ.

• 45:19Tom Segura?

  It would be so awesome if at the end of his seminar, he just like turned and like women came out and gave like testimonies. And they were like, this guy fucking made me weep and come and my whole life changed. And then they leave and then the next one, you know, and you remember what I did to you. And she's like, yeah.

• 45:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  You'll come 50 times.

• 45:42Tom Segura?

  My insights take hold my brain and my body were so connected. He's like, you leave now. Next person. And then the next woman comes. She's like, I'm still blown away by what you did to me. He's like, I know, I am bad.

• 45:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  We gotta see, does he have a wife? Like, who is the wife of Montalcia?

• 46:00Tom Segura?

  He's always alone. He always fucking does this shit alone.

• 46:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe he's a player. Like, maybe this is how he gets chicks.

• 46:05Tom Segura?

  Could be. You know, we always talk about, every guy's got an angle. Everything's an angle. There's no such thing as no angle.

• 46:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  For dudes, of course.

• 46:13Tom Segura?

  Every dude's got an angle. Um, all right. I have to make a peachy break.

• 46:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure, sure.

• 46:18Tom Segura?

  And then we will be back with very, very exciting stuff.

• 46:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Push hard.

• 46:21Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 46:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  You gonna swallow that when you're done?

• 46:27Tom Segura?

  Oh my god. She asked me like yesterday, she goes, so when you're done with those, do you just swallow them? I'm like, a nicotine pouch? She's like, yeah. I'm like, no, I spit it out. She's like, ah, I thought you just swallowed it.

• 46:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, here's why. Hear me out.

• 46:44Tom Segura?

  Hear me out. Hear me out, buddy.

• 46:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, you suck the nicotine out of it. So anything that is, let's say, toxic to your body has already been put into your body. Do you know what I'm saying? It's fiber at this point.

• 46:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I don't think it works quite like that.

• 47:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can you swallow? Can you swallow nicotine patches? Go ahead. I'm just gonna say no. It's gonna discourage you, but one can.

• 47:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Or it'll block up your intestinal tract and you'll die.

• 47:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah, so it says, if swallowed, the nicotine still gets in your system, but less predictably. You could end up with too much nicotine, leading to nausea, vomiting, dizziness, sweating, rapid heart rates. In higher amounts, this could turn into nicotine poisoning, which is more serious.

• 47:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Please.

• 47:28Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 47:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  It doesn't say you're gonna die. Yeah, you can suck, you can swallow it. Can you shit it out?

• 47:34Tom Segura?

  You can definitely shit. Yeah, yeah.

• 47:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  And probably, yeah, it's probably good for you.

• 47:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you give it a shot. All right, you wanna see some horrible hilarious stuff?

• 47:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 47:43Tom Segura?

  Okay, here we go. Here, here, you go.

• 47:48Tom Segura?

  Uh oh. Shit!

• 47:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Are you okay? Come here. Seth, are you okay? Oh my god. Are you okay?

• 48:00Tom Segura?

  That's what you wanna hear. Here's another thing I don't understand. When this was being like the setup, you go like, oh, that's where this is going. But then the person asking seems like they're genuinely doing like, like, did you not think that was gonna happen? What did you think was gonna happen? The bike was gonna go over the building? I don't understand.

• 48:23Tom Segura?

  That was.

• 48:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god, oh my god. It's like right there.

• 48:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah. This is, this one is, is leading more hilarious because of how stupid it is.

• 48:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Here's why I get a little nervous. It's because they're just young dumb boys.

• 48:38Tom Segura?

  Young boys, I know. You think about our boys.

• 48:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're like, your dumb kid could do that, yeah. Some 15 year old, you're not thinking.

• 48:43Tom Segura?

  Well, we always did all dumb shit.

• 48:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 48:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 48:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  This could happen to me.

• 48:47Tom Segura?

  And then afterwards, like, once somebody's severely hurt, we're like, yeah, we shouldn't have done that.

• 48:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Their brains aren't formed yet.

• 48:53Tom Segura?

  Totally, totally.

• 48:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, god.

• 48:58Tom Segura?

  Oh, my god.

• 49:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't like that at all. I did not enjoy it.

• 49:14Tom Segura?

  Kind of reminded me of something that happened to me one time.

• 49:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I was gonna say.

• 49:19Tom Segura?

  Um, I was gonna say, like, I was really hating it, too.

• 49:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 49:22Tom Segura?

  Like, the whole, like, jump into the water at the, you know what I mean? Like, people are just trying to enjoy themselves, whatever.

• 49:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 49:30Tom Segura?

  At this place, have lunch, and then someone's like, I'm, look at me, I'm flailing on the fountain. You're like, get the fuck out of here, dude. But then I felt, I felt bad for him. Fuck.

• 49:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  This, this is why you can't run on wet floors. This is why you tell your kids, don't run on the wet floor, don't run on the wet floor.

• 49:47Tom Segura?

  You'll break your arm.

• 49:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  You'll break your arm. Yeah, this is bad.

• 49:50Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 49:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is very bad. Now, was he a lighter person? Not color, weight wise? Do you think that he would break his arm?

• 50:04Tom Segura?

  I think we should talk about both.

• 50:09Tom Segura?

  His, his weight definitely played a role in this break. His blackness, I think, affected it a little bit, too.

• 50:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Interesting.

• 50:20Tom Segura?

  Because I think.

• 50:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why do you think his blackness contributed?

• 50:23Tom Segura?

  I think we were all expecting him to to react quicker, you know?

• 50:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right, because they're usually so quick on their feet.

• 50:29Tom Segura?

  It's just like, hey dude, you know what this is like, you know? Let's see more control.

• 50:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 50:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah, so but I think it's the weight that broke it.

• 50:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  The weight?

• 50:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, not the blackness.

• 50:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, because I definitely know when I broke my ankle, my doctor intimated that it was my weight.

• 50:46Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 50:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Falling on it, yeah, like it was kind of like.

• 50:49Tom Segura?

  Well, how can weight not be a, when something breaks, a bone breaks, yeah.

• 50:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like I landed on.

• 50:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah, how did they, was it like discreet? Were they like kind of polite about it?

• 50:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, the weight, you know, the weight of you on it. And I was like, what are you trying to fucking say? Like, you know, I had a two year old.

• 51:06Tom Segura?

  Big, a big woman.

• 51:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  A big broad, no, but I, you know, I was still losing.

• 51:11Tom Segura?

  Baby weight?

• 51:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Kind of. I weighed 10 pounds more than I do now, but which is a lot for me.

• 51:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, okay. You could, you could argue that like, that break would happen at the weight you're at now, at 10 pounds less. Yeah, I mean, like you fell.

• 51:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Angles.

• 51:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's the angle and like the distance also, you know, it's, it's physics, right?

• 51:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's physics, it's physics.

• 51:33Tom Segura?

  For me, it definitely played a factor in in my break, but I think I could have broken it again. I think 10, 10 pounds less, 20 pounds less, I still could have broken that arm.

• 51:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  The angles were fucked on everything.

• 51:46Tom Segura?

  Fucked up.

• 51:47Speaker 06

  Can you imagine if you were black?

• 51:48Tom Segura?

  If I were black?

• 51:52Tom Segura?

  Here's the thing, I, I think my body wouldn't have allowed it to break.

• 51:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 51:57Tom Segura?

  That's what I'm saying. I think my body would have been like. Yeah, basketball, you have so much power as a black person in basketball. You know what I mean? Like, it's really home. It feels like a white person in the ocean. It's like, I'm not going to drown. Right? Like, this is my domain.

• 52:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's your turf.

• 52:12Speaker 06

  And where it is, and what happened when his arm broke? In water is why we don't do it.

• 52:17Tom Segura?

  That's why we don't do this.

• 52:19Speaker 06

  That's why we don't play games.

• 52:20Tom Segura?

  The circle of life.

• 52:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude.

• 52:22Tom Segura?

  Good point.

• 52:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's right, dude.

• 52:25Tom Segura?

  This guy fucked up by getting in the water.

• 52:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause he fucked it in the water, dude.

• 52:29Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 52:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're right.

• 52:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's why they don't go in the water.

• 52:32Speaker 06

  He never ran around a swimming pool when he was a kid.

• 52:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what's up.

• 52:36Speaker 06

  Didn't know how to play these games.

• 52:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  See, there's always something to these racial things.

• 52:40Tom Segura?

  I still, by the way, related to the break. Cause you forget that I also, I break, I snapped my patellar tendon.

• 52:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your patellar tendon, yep.

• 52:50Tom Segura?

  I still get so cautious about wet floors.

• 52:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god.

• 52:55Tom Segura?

  You know, it's PTSD for sure.

• 52:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 52:57Tom Segura?

  But wet floors, if I feel it, if I see it, if I sense it, I'm just, just, I'm an elderly woman at that point. I'm like, huh. I get so fucking scared of it.

• 53:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  You think I don't walk down the stairs every time at a glacial pace now?

• 53:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah, just holding the rail.

• 53:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I don't fly downstairs anymore.

• 53:14Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 53:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Phew, wait, was the floor wet when you're accidenting?

• 53:17Tom Segura?

  No, it's that afterwards, I was in this, I was in a straight brace for six weeks and I couldn't use it. And I couldn't bend it. And the only thing that could like really go wrong for me would be a slip and fall. And I would remember that I used to take a shower and get out and feel like, you know, sometimes you get out of the shower, you have like a, like a mini slide. So I'd feel like the mini ones and I would just like, the whole body would just freak out because I was like, oh my god, this floor's wet, what the fuck? Like you get so scared that you're gonna slip and fall. It has dissipated because it's been years, but you still are like very cautious. I'm very cautious around wet floors.

• 53:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, once you have, did you have a lot of PTSD like replaying the accident? I remember after I fell with my ankle, I've replayed it in my head so many times.

• 54:08Tom Segura?

  I mean, I did replay.

• 54:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I can still see the accident in my head.

• 54:12Tom Segura?

  So me, to me, it was more about my. My not using my better judgment of attempting that because of what had just happened. In other words, I knew, this is rehashing an old thing, but I knew that I had, I had just, we had this competition and I actually won the competition. And I, I knew I would, I had just done like, close to my max, like my max. And then, and that the other guy was like, you could do more. And I knew internally, you know, when you're like, no, this is my limit?

• 54:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 54:46Tom Segura?

  I knew it was my limit. But that whole thing, I think of being around and like, try more, try more. I knew I wasn't gonna do more. And then my conditioning, like, like the condition of my body, like the fact that I hadn't been training for so long, is why trying to explode with that much power and being out of shape is why the tendon snapped. But like, if I could, like, the thing about it was like going back, I should have been like, oh no, like this is, this thing, like what we're doing here at least is done. This is over.

• 55:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 55:19Tom Segura?

  That's the thing that replays in my head is like the guy telling me, go for more, and knowing that I don't have more and being like, okay. You know, which is a very, I think, male thing of like, you got more, like, it's like another rep. It's like, you know, if you were bench pressing and you're like, I have, and then someone's like, one more rep, and you're like, I, there's nothing left in me. And then you tear your fucking, you know, your peck because you pushed through for one more, but you know you don't have one more.

• 55:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 55:46Tom Segura?

  That's what replays in my head about that. It's just that like, I shouldn't have ignored my instinct to not try the next thing.

• 55:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 55:56Tom Segura?

  And, and then also that guy was black, so I, it does, it is kind of a factor. We were on a basketball court, it was a black guy, and he was like, you can do it. And I was like, I'm not, this isn't, you know?

• 56:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, you wanted his black approval, which is-

• 56:10Tom Segura?

  Oh my God, I was desperate for his black approval.

• 56:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bigger than white approval.

• 56:13Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 56:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's the best approval.

• 56:15Tom Segura?

  A white guy being like, great job on that dunk? Fuck you. A black guy being like, yo, you dunk, you slammed it, ah.

• 56:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, there's nothing better. Or when a black person tells you that your outfit is good or that you're funny, it counts so much more.

• 56:28Tom Segura?

  There's a list, I feel like there's a, a top five, for sure.

• 56:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  I've never been told that I dance well from black people.

• 56:33Tom Segura?

  And here's the thing, you never will, but the- The feeling is incredible.

• 56:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 56:39Tom Segura?

  About if it's your dancing, your musical taste.

• 56:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I don't like my music.

• 56:44Tom Segura?

  You're definitely not, but your style.

• 56:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I got good, good style.

• 56:49Tom Segura?

  And also not just within style, shoes, specific to shoes.

• 56:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.

• 56:54Tom Segura?

  And then athletic prowess. And then athletic prowess is actually, I think, number one for males. And then number two is humor. If a black person says you're hilarious.

• 57:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's just the best.

• 57:03Tom Segura?

  The greatest.

• 57:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, or you're real. I really like that. I like that when they say that I'm real.

• 57:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you're so real, yeah. They're incredible, incredible compliments, man. They really carry you through the day. Yeah, they really do. All right, um, we didn't even make it to this next one. Oh.

• 57:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't like it. I hate it.

• 57:23Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God. Well, you're already in the chair.

• 57:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's what I, you want to go for the upper half now?

• 57:30Tom Segura?

  He's like, I don't really need this neck.

• 57:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 57:33Tom Segura?

  Jesus Christ, is this guy okay? Or be like, more okay? Did he recover from this?

• 57:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  We think he's fine.

• 57:46Tom Segura?

  We think he, okay, he's good. That's good to know. Jesus, man. That is wild that this guy's like, I'm paralyzed.

• 57:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 57:54Tom Segura?

  And I'm gonna do this kind of shit.

• 57:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 57:57Tom Segura?

  That is kind of a death wish. He's just like, oh, fuck it.

• 58:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, I hope he went out doing what he loved the first time. Do you know what I mean? Like.

• 58:06Tom Segura?

  Like what led to the wheelchair?

• 58:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, something tells me this is what he was doing the first time around. And he's like.

• 58:12Tom Segura?

  Just like on a bike or something, skateboard?

• 58:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's a skateboarder. Like, they're crazy.

• 58:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 58:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Look at Tony Hawk. He's 80 years old and he's still doing.

• 58:20Tom Segura?

  Hey, show a little respect.

• 58:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know how much I love him, but you know what I mean? In skateboarder years?

• 58:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 58:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's, that's tough.

• 58:27Tom Segura?

  Tough.

• 58:31Tom Segura?

  Oh, this is gonna be gnarly.

• 58:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, look at the car.

• 58:49Tom Segura?

  Wow, it's a man.

• 58:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shut up. What the fuck happened?

• 58:55Tom Segura?

  First of all, can we just say, say something about that? Like, that's a man?

• 59:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 59:02Tom Segura?

  And I like how he got out, he was like, fuck. I just, I barely nicked, I just, shit, I didn't realize you were, he did that at like 35 miles an hour.

• 59:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what, though? Every time I see a motherfucker backing up in a parking lot, this is my worst fear.

• 59:19Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 59:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause you know, you know, you, sometimes this shit happens.

• 59:22Tom Segura?

  It does happen. I, I always get, I'm the most overly cautious. I'm like Larry.

• 59:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 59:29Tom Segura?

  When I have the kids with me in a parking lot. Cause I'm always like, dudes, stop looking down, look up. You don't know that any motherfucker could be like, I mean, he did that so fucking fast, bro.

• 59:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, you know what it is? He probably thought he was putting his foot on the, on the brakes, and he instead.

• 59:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he pushed it hard, yeah. Right now, he's releasing his brake, right?

• 59:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 59:53Tom Segura?

  Releasing the tap, you can see brake, brake.

• 59:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shift into drive.

• 1:00:07Tom Segura?

  Fuck!

• 1:00:09Tom Segura?

  It's like the third time I've hit a guy.

• 1:00:12Tom Segura?

  For sure what happened, I think, is that as he's making this, this turn right here, when he is, when he is not yet there, not there.

• 1:00:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's gonna change in his drive.

• 1:00:23Tom Segura?

  No, he sees the guy and goes, I'm gonna press the brake hard.

• 1:00:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:00:28Tom Segura?

  Hard, because you know, you see someone, you, you hit the brake hard. And instead of hitting the brake hard, hits the gas hard. And that is so, that's full speed.

• 1:00:42Tom Segura?

  This is my favorite part, the way he gets out. God damn.

• 1:00:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  He knows his life is over.

• 1:00:50Tom Segura?

  You know, now he's also like, I'm fucking going to a movie, you know? I gotta, I gotta fucking text. Guys, I can't go to the movie, I just killed this guy in the parking lot.

• 1:01:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can you imagine though, you do this to some dude? Your fucking life is ruined.

• 1:01:04Tom Segura?

  His whole fucking.

• 1:01:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your life is over, dude.

• 1:01:06Tom Segura?

  Everything's different right now.

• 1:01:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Lawsuits and.

• 1:01:08Tom Segura?

  Everything's different.

• 1:01:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're fucked.

• 1:01:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, God.

• 1:01:13Tom Segura?

  Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

• 1:01:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is stupid. I hate this.

• 1:01:21Tom Segura?

  Oh, shit.

• 1:01:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, you deserve it.

• 1:01:24Tom Segura?

  I always think of that when I see horse carriages, too.

• 1:01:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Stupid.

• 1:01:28Tom Segura?

  I always think about it.

• 1:01:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:29Tom Segura?

  I really do.

• 1:01:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hate the ones in Central Park.

• 1:01:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hate it.

• 1:01:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  The horses don't want to be near traffic.

• 1:01:37Tom Segura?

  And here's the thing. You see it in a movie and you're like, that's beautiful or romantic. But when you walk and you see it, you're like, this is not comfortable. It smells.

• 1:01:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  It smells.

• 1:01:49Tom Segura?

  The horse doesn't want to do this.

• 1:01:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Horrific.

• 1:01:51Tom Segura?

  Like, the whole thing is not.

• 1:01:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Then it's hot in New York.

• 1:01:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then you smell the garbage, the urine, the horse shit at the same time. And cigarette smokes and weed and everything else around. It's like, god damn it, the horse doesn't want to be there.

• 1:02:06Tom Segura?

  And here's the thing. They're never taking you somewhere you want to go. What they're gonna do is, we're gonna do this and then I'm gonna take you back to where we started. So you're like, what was the fucking point? I want to go somewhere. I want the horse to drop me off at the hotel. They're like, that's not a fucking option. You get to go for a ride.

• 1:02:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Or Long Island. Take me to Long Island. Take me to Brooklyn in the horse carriage.

• 1:02:28Tom Segura?

  Get out of here, man.

• 1:02:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck out of here.

• 1:02:30Tom Segura?

  Look, it's real close to tax day. I think it's worth reminding people that this is a big deal, guys.

• 1:02:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 1:02:40Tom Segura?

  You gotta fucking pay your taxes. As a reminder, here's a clip just to remind you of.

• 1:02:49Speaker 04

  If you're with me, you're not going to jail.

• 1:02:50Speaker 10

  What will happen if I don't pay my taxes?

• 1:02:52Speaker 04

  Well, you could get levied, but I know how to block a levy. So we're gonna block it until

• 1:02:59Tom Segura?

  October.

• 1:02:59Speaker 04

  The tenure statute ends and the IRS will then have to write off your debt. Have a good day. Not with your.

• 1:03:06Tom Segura?

  I mean, the cool thing about that is it's in many ways.

• 1:03:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Brilliant.

• 1:03:11Tom Segura?

  Well, it's in many ways, the message is just don't go ahead and pay, don't pay your taxes. I mean, that's essentially, she was like, what happens if I don't? He said, I know how to stop a levy. 10 years later, it's, they'll have to write it off. There you go. Anything else? Well, here, I love, this is, I mean, I wish my accountant did stuff like this.

• 1:03:32Speaker 04

  Tax season ends.

• 1:03:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:34Speaker 04

  On Wednesday, April fifteenth.

• 1:03:36Tom Segura?

  Yes, sir.

• 1:03:37Speaker 04

  So one thing I want you to know right now, if you're a taxpayer.

• 1:03:40Tom Segura?

  Please.

• 1:03:41Speaker 04

  If you're getting a refund, you're confident you're getting a refund, there's no issues. You do not need to file, you do not, you are not getting a late filing penalty or a late payment penalty. Cause you're getting a refund. If you are owing a significant amount of money, you are going to get a five percent penalty if you don't file an individual extension on a forty eight sixty.

• 1:04:01Tom Segura?

  Okay. I think we're good. This is just like.

• 1:04:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, I blacked out, I was so bored.

• 1:04:05Tom Segura?

  I just unbelievable. Um, it's also an interesting choice as like a, the accountant that's, you know, getting ready to shave and putting out your, your content that way, but um, yeah, I mean, Mike makes a good point.

• 1:04:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like it.

• 1:04:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you have to.

• 1:04:23Tom Segura?

  Sometimes people do the, there's Mike also, there's the accountant. Clean shaved, then with a nice lady, it looks like at the gym, possibly.

• 1:04:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:04:32Tom Segura?

  Shirtless at the gym.

• 1:04:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, his hair is always incredible.

• 1:04:35Tom Segura?

  He's got amazing hair.

• 1:04:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Great shape.

• 1:04:37Tom Segura?

  Which I like, I like in an accountant.

• 1:04:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  The, the guy's a fucking winner.

• 1:04:40Tom Segura?

  He does a lot of um, like AMAs on Instagram.

• 1:04:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:45Speaker 04

  You see, this is what's happened to this generation.

• 1:04:47Tom Segura?

  Somebody goes, have you ever took a shit in a Rolex box?

• 1:04:52Speaker 04

  You would never have imagined a young person, let's say eighteen or twenty, ever asking a stupid juvenile idiotic question like this.

• 1:05:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. But did you? Now what's the answer?

• 1:05:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's like, and yeah, I did, okay?

• 1:05:08Speaker 04

  When I was younger, forty years ago plus. This is just juvenile idiocy.

• 1:05:15Tom Segura?

  Answer the question.

• 1:05:15Speaker 04

  I mean, you're just a bunch of braggadocio kids in adult bodies.

• 1:05:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 1:05:19Speaker 04

  Evil.

• 1:05:22Speaker 04

  You're lost, man. You guys are really lost if you're asking these kind of questions. And um, I don't know if there's any hope for you.

• 1:05:29Tom Segura?

  What about the, when you take the, you hit it from behind and you twist it so it grabs your dick?

• 1:05:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:35Tom Segura?

  That was a cool.

• 1:05:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was a very mature discussion.

• 1:05:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's like, you guys are asking.

• 1:05:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, ask something more.

• 1:05:42Tom Segura?

  You know, you guys are, are, are asking juvenile questions.

• 1:05:45Speaker 04

  Move her around from behind so that the pussy grips your dick. And that's the way it feels good. You gotta do that, man.

• 1:05:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, you gotta do that.

• 1:05:54Speaker 04

  That's a Brooklyn rap, bro. That is a Brooklyn motherfucking rap.

• 1:05:57Tom Segura?

  Ask mature questions.

• 1:06:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, grow up.

• 1:06:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Grow up.

• 1:06:05Tom Segura?

  Stop asking me silly things. When you hit it from behind, you gotta grip so that the pussy grips it. And you're like, cool. So about this filing.

• 1:06:16Tom Segura?

  Unbelievable, man. All right, uh, wanna go out on your talks?

• 1:06:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Please.

• 1:06:20Tom Segura?

  All right. Have not seen any of these. Very excited to see what type of emotional experience the rest of us will have today.

• 1:06:28Speaker 10

  What if I told you that after 50, your body slowly starts developing the old people smell? And most people have absolutely no idea it's happening to them. There's a scientific name for it. It's called 2-nonenyl. A compound your body starts producing naturally after 50. It's that musty, waxy, slightly stale smell. The one you associate with your grandparents' home or an older relative when they walk into a room. It has nothing to do with hygiene. You can shower twice a day, use the most expensive soaps. It keeps coming back because it's being produced from inside your body. Washing just masks it temporarily. And the scariest part? Your brain gets used to your own smell over time.

• 1:07:13Speaker 10

  You genuinely cannot detect it on yourself the way others can. Most people walking around with it have absolutely no idea. Think about the people in your life right now.

• 1:07:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  So redundant, like I get it.

• 1:07:25Speaker 10

  Would you tell any of them about their scent? Really?

• 1:07:27Tom Segura?

  So there's no solution? That was the whole thing?

• 1:07:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  There is a solution.

• 1:07:30Tom Segura?

  Oh, okay.

• 1:07:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's selling you pills.

• 1:07:32Tom Segura?

  Oh, the pills will mask it? Okay.

• 1:07:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  From the inside. It'll, it'll stop the smell of decay from the inside, which, believe you me, I'll be buying this.

• 1:07:40Tom Segura?

  I mean, I think you should place your order now.

• 1:07:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, I'm gonna be 50 in June.

• 1:07:43Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:07:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  God damn it.

• 1:07:44Tom Segura?

  God damn, bro.

• 1:07:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Isn't it bad enough? We have to smell?

• 1:07:47Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 1:07:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fingernails are not required.

• 1:07:51Tom Segura?

  I want you to know, I hate this video.

• 1:07:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why?

• 1:07:57Tom Segura?

  I hate it. I just hated that video.

• 1:08:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why?

• 1:08:00Tom Segura?

  I don't like it.

• 1:08:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can't-

• 1:08:02Speaker 04

  I'm not somebody who wants to waste any kind of an opportunity that we have. We're cutting here. Um, so you can share with me or not. What are we letting go of today? What are we releasing? What can we let go of that no longer serves us? Do this haircut.

• 1:08:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  In this past year-

• 1:08:20Speaker 04

  Thank you for sharing.

• 1:08:21Speaker 16

  Thank you for asking.

• 1:08:22Speaker 04

  Of course. Well, have you done-

• 1:08:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  They haven't even shared.

• 1:08:24Speaker 04

  Take a deep breath in.

• 1:08:25Tom Segura?

  So there was a deep share and then no one got to see it?

• 1:08:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Stupid bitch.

• 1:08:29Tom Segura?

  Thanks.

• 1:08:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Also, she's like-

• 1:08:30Tom Segura?

  What are we letting go of? The fucking hair you're cutting asshole. What do you fucking think?

• 1:08:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, she's like, "You could share with me or not." What if you were like, "No, I don't want to share with you." Okay. Like, how awful.

• 1:08:39Tom Segura?

  Let's just not waste the fact that this haircut is also a release of what you're holding on to. Is it?

• 1:08:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Could you imagine?

• 1:08:46Tom Segura?

  It's not just a trim?

• 1:08:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Could you imagine this is your hair?

• 1:08:51Tom Segura?

  Shut the fuck up and get the clippers out.

• 1:08:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Alan is like, "Hey, homie, is there anything you want to release right now?"

• 1:08:58Tom Segura?

  Right now? You know what I'm saying? Like, it's in the rough here, right? You want to like, talk about it during the haircut? Or do you want to actually just unwind and have me style your hair?

• 1:09:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. My guy would never-

• 1:09:09Tom Segura?

  Do you want this haircut to be more like an intense therapy session? Or do you want to just get a haircut?

• 1:09:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Alan from East LA. Shout out.

• 1:09:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh yeah, so this is my new-

• 1:09:22Tom Segura?

  Your new lane?

• 1:09:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cool girls, cool older ladies talks.

• 1:09:26Tom Segura?

  That are like, "I'm down."

• 1:09:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Horny older ladies.

• 1:09:29Tom Segura?

  Horny ladies, yeah.

• 1:09:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. A little handshake between friends never ruined a friendship. And she's intimating that it's a certain type of handshake. I hate it.

• 1:09:38Tom Segura?

  Ayahuasca? Is that what we're talking about here? That's what it feels like.

• 1:09:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh no, it's the frog one. Where you lick the frog. Could you imagine?

• 1:09:49Tom Segura?

  I don't want to do this at all.

• 1:09:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  There are all these dumb white people paying for this shit.

• 1:10:07Tom Segura?

  This is the only context in which I've seen you okay with vomiting. In my entire life. I've never seen you enjoy it.

• 1:10:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause they're so stupid. I mean, would you-

• 1:10:20Tom Segura?

  It's so funny that you actually are like, this is great. And they're like, huh.

• 1:10:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  First of all, not only have they paid for the stupidity of licking this frog poison, they've flown to some remote jungle in some third world fucking country.

• 1:10:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  If they die, they just die out there.

• 1:10:39Tom Segura?

  They definitely do just die.

• 1:10:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Puking in buckets and shitting in buckets. And it's just some fucking, yeah, some weirdo rubbing your back and with strangers doing this. I would rather die. This is horrible.

• 1:10:53Tom Segura?

  You could never get me to do this.

• 1:10:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would, God, there's, I'm trying to think.

• 1:10:56Tom Segura?

  Will you at least consider watching the water vomit guy again? Just with this mindset, just with this mindset.

• 1:11:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's like, cause I know this is drug related.

• 1:11:03Tom Segura?

  God damn it.

• 1:11:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  The other one, I can't, I don't understand why he's doing it.

• 1:11:07Tom Segura?

  Alright.

• 1:11:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  These people are just fucking sick. I'm releasing so much right now.

• 1:11:13Tom Segura?

  I just got my haircut and now I'm doing this. I'm growing so much. Okay, here we go.

• 1:11:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Here's some more releasing.

• 1:11:25Tom Segura?

  That is piping hot. That's a branding.

• 1:11:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's treatment.

• 1:11:31Tom Segura?

  What's the treatment?

• 1:11:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm just poking you with a hot rod.

• 1:11:34Tom Segura?

  That's a third degree skin burn.

• 1:11:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  But he can move his arm now.

• 1:11:38Tom Segura?

  My arm moves again.

• 1:11:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  See? It's because of the endorphins.

• 1:11:41Tom Segura?

  If I do this, will you never hit me with that thing again?

• 1:11:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Relief from exertion pain? I think it's panic, just endorphins.

• 1:11:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah, of course. Yeah, he's got, he's got adrenaline shooting through. He's like, I can't fucking move. Yeah, yeah, you know, I'm good. I'm good. You fixed it. You fixed it.

• 1:11:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just get a steroid shot, man.

• 1:11:57Tom Segura?

  Holy shit, bro.

• 1:11:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Get steroids. Unbelievable.

• 1:12:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ha, more white people shit. I'm really into white people doing stupid healing things.

• 1:12:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is worse? This? Or the haircutting lady? You have to choose one. You're getting your haircut and you have to really-

• 1:12:21Tom Segura?

  The haircut would be more unnerving. At least here you can take a fucking nap. You know, they have sleep masks on. You can be like, "Go ahead, do your fucking bullshit, I'm sleeping."

• 1:12:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, haircut lady or ayahuasca ceremony in the jungle?

• 1:12:33Tom Segura?

  Oh my god.

• 1:12:36Tom Segura?

  I'm getting a haircut. I'll grow this shit out. I don't care. I'm not doing the jungle.

• 1:12:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  The jungle is the worst.

• 1:12:43Tom Segura?

  And I'm not against, I've done, you know.

• 1:12:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 1:12:45Tom Segura?

  I like that type of thing. I don't like the jungle vomit setting.

• 1:12:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Buckets. And they put out buckets in the dirt for you to puke and shit in in front of everybody.

• 1:12:55Tom Segura?

  The lady was just like, "I'll clean the vomit off of your face." She was like, "Huh, ah!" And they're like, "Doing it for you." Fuck, man.

• 1:13:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're so wiped from that experience physically that it probably feels like such a release.

• 1:13:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, you're like, "I'm alive! I made it."

• 1:13:10Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 1:13:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's like getting food poisoning. You're just like, "Oh, thank god, I'm back."

• 1:13:14Tom Segura?

  Ah.

• 1:13:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's not even-

• 1:13:15Tom Segura?

  Y'all see that right there?

• 1:13:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, here's the new snack.

• 1:13:18Tom Segura?

  That's the best snack there is, right here. Right here.

• 1:13:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  So it's-

• 1:13:21Tom Segura?

  Salted peanuts and Coca-Cola, that's right. Don't get no better than that right there. I went to college with guys like this. I really did. I, I mean, this, if I never left, I might be making this video.

• 1:13:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you think he swallows-

• 1:13:34Tom Segura?

  Y'all see this right here? The fucking best snack you can get, right here, man. Put fucking salted peanuts in your Coca-Cola. It's just a fucking, it slaps, dog. Yeah.

• 1:13:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you think he swallows his nicotine patch?

• 1:13:44Tom Segura?

  This guy, he swallows dip. Yeah. Without question.

• 1:13:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  But here's the deal, man. At first, I thought it was stupid. And then I'm like, "That kinda probably does taste really good, though."

• 1:13:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Salted peanuts and a Coke?

• 1:13:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Good shit, I bet. Salty and sweet?

• 1:13:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's probably pretty good. I've never seen anyone do that.

• 1:14:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Especially when you got your period. Salty and sweet. That's probably why he likes it so much.

• 1:14:04Tom Segura?

  You know where this guy is, but you don't know where this guy is, right? It's here. I wouldn't- Oh, no.

• 1:14:08Speaker 09

  We think Georgia, maybe?

• 1:14:09Tom Segura?

  I was gonna say Carolinas or Georgia would be my guess.

• 1:14:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:14:12Tom Segura?

  That's probably what it would be.

• 1:14:13Speaker 09

  But Tyler, here in the office, likes to do this, too, he told us.

• 1:14:16Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah?

• 1:14:16Speaker 09

  He does it with Dr. Pepper. He says it's a Texas thing, too.

• 1:14:19Tom Segura?

  Oh, you put fucking salted peanuts in your Dr. Pepper? She fucking hates real good, man. Fuck, yeah. Give it a try. Get you some, man, try it.

• 1:14:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Try it out.

• 1:14:29Speaker 03

  Hey, baby. I just wanted to reach out to you, let you know that, uh...

• 1:14:35Tom Segura?

  Reach out to you.

• 1:14:36Speaker 03

  I really sincerely apologize for this, you know. Uh, I'm saying I thought this was a disease and I really want to apologize again that I peed in the oven. I really thought I was raising up the lid. I'm really sorry, babe, but I love you. Can you please come back home?

• 1:14:58Tom Segura?

  This is one of the best things I've ever seen. Cause it is for a person. But he publicly posted it.

• 1:15:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Number one, check.

• 1:15:07Tom Segura?

  And I really sincerely... Here's the thing, I really apologize for pissing in the oven. He goes, "I really thought I lifted the lid." So is he saying I was sleepwalking and I thought I lifted the lid of a toilet and pissed in the oven? Or is he saying, "I know I pissed in the oven and I'm sorry, I thought I was pissing on the oven." You know what I mean? Like, there's a... But you understand?

• 1:15:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  I understand. Now it's, we're home here now. Like, this is another...

• 1:15:33Tom Segura?

  I really thought I lifted the lid.

• 1:15:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:36Tom Segura?

  That makes me think that he was like, "No, I thought I peed in the toilet. I was sleepwalking."

• 1:15:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  So we don't know what's going on here.

• 1:15:41Tom Segura?

  Are you following me, guys?

• 1:15:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 1:15:43Tom Segura?

  I hear you.

• 1:15:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a logic problem. No, we understand.

• 1:15:45Tom Segura?

  Cause she's like, "What the fuck? You pissed in the oven?"

• 1:15:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:49Tom Segura?

  And he's like, "Baby, you know how I sleepwalk. Sometimes I think the oven's the toilet, you know?

• 1:15:57Tom Segura?

  I've been peeing in the oven for 35...

• 1:16:02Tom Segura?

  I don't, I don't understand."

• 1:16:03Speaker 06

  Makes complete sense to me.

• 1:16:04Tom Segura?

  Right?

• 1:16:05Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's like, it's like they made a rule.

• 1:16:07Tom Segura?

  He said lid.

• 1:16:08Speaker 06

  The lid at least has to be up.

• 1:16:11Tom Segura?

  The lid. Yeah, yeah.

• 1:16:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  The lid?

• 1:16:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Has to be up. In the oven?

• 1:16:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean.

• 1:16:18Tom Segura?

  Cause it's either that he thought the oven was the toilet.

• 1:16:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, yes.

• 1:16:21Tom Segura?

  Or he's like, I know you're cool with me pissing on the stove.

• 1:16:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god.

• 1:16:25Tom Segura?

  But I accidentally pissed in the oven, you know?

• 1:16:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's.

• 1:16:28Speaker 06

  The only way it makes sense is if he's such a drunk that he, you know, he just does this all the time.

• 1:16:32Tom Segura?

  All the time.

• 1:16:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's what it is.

• 1:16:35Speaker 06

  As long as the fucking oven lid is up, fine.

• 1:16:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:16:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what it is.

• 1:16:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what it is.

• 1:16:40Tom Segura?

  And then it's, please come home.

• 1:16:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Please come home, yeah. He's been drinking too much and he, and he got it.

• 1:16:45Speaker 06

  Yeah, I mean, like, look, if my dad had hair.

• 1:16:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:48Speaker 06

  That's, that's.

• 1:16:49Tom Segura?

  The kinda shit he'd say?

• 1:16:50Speaker 06

  Yeah, for sure. I've heard him say, please go back home. I've heard that exact, I'm like, oh, this is a drunk.

• 1:16:54Tom Segura?

  This is a drunk, yeah.

• 1:16:56Speaker 06

  Drinks, pisses everywhere.

• 1:16:57Tom Segura?

  This isn't from gay to gay, for sure. No.

• 1:17:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Pisses everywhere.

• 1:17:02Speaker 06

  Yeah, my dad pissed in my shoes one time.

• 1:17:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:17:05Speaker 06

  Did us, yep. He does some shit.

• 1:17:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  See?

• 1:17:08Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:17:08Speaker 06

  Nice shoes, too.

• 1:17:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Damn.

• 1:17:10Tom Segura?

  Drunk?

• 1:17:10Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:17:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course.

• 1:17:11Tom Segura?

  But, but to, like, cause fuck you or just cause I'm pissing anywhere?

• 1:17:14Speaker 06

  Nah, he just does that. Again, it was like, you kinda just know that if he's super fucked up and he comes on.

• 1:17:19Tom Segura?

  He's gonna piss somewhere.

• 1:17:20Speaker 06

  He's pissing somewhere where he's not supposed to.

• 1:17:21Tom Segura?

  That's nuts.

• 1:17:22Speaker 06

  It could be in the closet, it could be in shoes. Closet was a big one.

• 1:17:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  The closet?

• 1:17:27Speaker 06

  I think, cause it was like, it was a small space, so he thinks it's the bathroom.

• 1:17:30Tom Segura?

  My son, a few years ago, sleepwalking.

• 1:17:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:33Tom Segura?

  And, and he was getting ready to pee, started peeing in the closet.

• 1:17:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:17:38Tom Segura?

  But I had to, I, you know, I was like, what are you doing? He was like, what? He didn't, I could tell that I startled him. He didn't know where he was. I also found him like, one time, he had gone to the bathroom and then when he was done with the bathroom, I watched him walk into the living room, get on the couch and like,

• 1:17:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 1:17:51Tom Segura?

  get ready to go. I go, hey, you're in the living room. And he was like, what? I was like, you're in the living room. He was sleepwalking, you know? That's why, like, that's why I thought about sleepwalking with this. But I think the drunk story is much more fun.

• 1:18:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  The drunk connection.

• 1:18:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Maybe, please come home. I'm, I'm sick of pissing in the oven too. Please. You know I love you. You know I love you. You know I'll, I know I've pissed in the mailbox and.

• 1:18:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what he, this is what it is.

• 1:18:17Tom Segura?

  I know, I pissed everywhere and I'm done with that shit. That's in the past.

• 1:18:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:18:21Tom Segura?

  No more pissing in the house.

• 1:18:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  No more pissing. Just come home, baby.

• 1:18:24Tom Segura?

  This year, I'm pissing in the toilet.

• 1:18:28Tom Segura?

  All right, we gotta wrap it up. This was a lot of fun. It's beautiful. Please, check out The End. Ari Shaffir's final storytelling show with an incredible lineup. It's on YMHstudios.com. Please see Christina P. on tour. She's going to be in Austin, Irving, Texas, Denver, Colorado, and Chicago. And those are all at christinap online.com. Just christinap.com. Sorry, christinap.com. And I think that's it. We'll see you guys very soon. Bye, mommy. Bye.

• 1:18:59Speaker 16

  Hi, I'm Roxanda Palma, and I wanna know who out there is curious about eco sex.

• 1:19:07Tom Segura?

  What?

• 1:19:11Tom Segura?

  What?

• 1:19:19Speaker 05

  One, two, three, four.

• 1:19:21Speaker 16

  What the fuck is eco sex?

• 1:19:25Speaker 16

  The wind in your hair? Tree bark? That's exciting in itself, to really let your fingertips run across the tree bark and feel its eroticness.

• 1:19:37Speaker 05

  Now you get the penis out.

• 1:19:45Speaker 05

  Now you get the penis out.

• 1:19:52Speaker 16

  Girl, get your life.

• 1:20:08Speaker 16

  Girl, get your life. What the fuck is eco sex?

• 1:20:17Speaker 16

  Me and my girlfriend Summer.

• 1:20:31Speaker 16

  What the fuck is eco sex?

• 1:20:47Tom Segura?

  What?

• 1:20:49Speaker 16

  What the fuck?

• 1:20:57Tom Segura?

  That is so disgusting.

• 1:21:01Tom Segura?

  I am embarrassed. Why are you embarrassed? Because this is disgusting. Would you marry your grandson?

• 1:21:09Tom Segura?

  I am embarrassed. Why are you embarrassed? Because this is disgusting.

• 1:21:18Speaker 16

  What the fuck is eco sex?

• 1:21:27Speaker 16

  Me and my girlfriend Summer.

• 1:21:34Speaker 16

  What the fuck is eco sex?

• 1:21:43Tom Segura?

  Would you marry your grandson? Oh my god.