Atsuko Okatsuka

Comedian Atsuko Okatsuka feels honored and a little suspicious about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Atsuko sits down with Conan to discuss her latest stand-up special Father, being kidnapped by her grandmother to the United States, learning how to make her family laugh, lifelong friends made in cheerleading, and more. Later, Conan reviews his own collection of very authentic reviews. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit (323) 362-2295. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (669) 587-2847.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Conan O'Brien?

  Who do you shop for first on the holidays, Sona? Was it, do you shop for the kids or do you shop for Tac?

• 0:06Speaker 01

  My kids.

• 0:07Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 0:07Speaker 01

  Or Oki.

• 0:08Conan O'Brien?

  You gotta get them your stuff.

• 0:08Speaker 01

  Or my dog.

• 0:09Conan O'Brien?

  And then your husband is last. Well, guess what? It's that time of year. You feel that, you smell that cinnamon cider in the air? Do you smell that?

• 0:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:19Conan O'Brien?

  And you see pumpkins around, people buying turkeys. A little early to buy a turkey. Doesn't matter. Holidays? I would say it's just around the corner, but that's a cliche. It's very nearby in the cupboard. Well, guess what? Amazon delivers joy with low prices on the gifts you want even this early in the season. So get ahead of the season. Shop early gifts, top picks, holiday decor, and advent calendars at low prices. Get ahead, start on holiday gifting with Amazon's low prices. Shop now at amazon.com/holiday.

• 0:56Conan O'Brien?

  One in four Americans targeted by scams ended up falling for them.

• 0:59Speaker 01

  I did.

• 1:00Conan O'Brien?

  For me, it would be four out of four. Did you fall for a scam?

• 1:01Speaker 01

  I fell for a scam once.

• 1:03Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:04Speaker 01

  They didn't steal much.

• 1:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, still, you got taken for a ride. And you just put it out there that you're easy to scam.

• 1:09Speaker 01

  I am.

• 1:10Conan O'Brien?

  One accident, little click, can expose your information, putting you at risk of identity theft. Thankfully, there's LifeLock. LifeLock has live, US-based restoration specialists who will be with you every step of the way to fix your identity theft from first alert to full restoration. Join now and save up to 30% off your first year. This is a good thing to have in your back pocket, don't you think?

• 1:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, I need this.

• 1:32Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you do need it. You need it fast. Go to lifelock.com/conan. That's lifelock.com/conan to save 30%. Terms apply.

• 1:44Speaker 02

  Hi, I'm Otsuko Kotsuka.

• 1:49Speaker 02

  And I feel honored and a little suspicious about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

• 1:55Conan O'Brien?

  Now, where does this suspicion come from?

• 1:57Speaker 02

  It's too good to be true.

• 1:58Conan O'Brien?

  It's really not when you get to know me.

• 2:03Conan O'Brien?

  Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined as always by Sonam of Sastian. Hello. And, uh, wow. Hello. Hello. You sounded us, did you? Yeah. Hello. Hello. And, uh, Matt Gourley, and I'm happy I've got a bubblegum cigarette. It's cool. Uh, yeah. And puff, puffs like candy puff cigarette. Yeah, it's got a little powdered sugar in it. Yeah.

• 2:47Conan O'Brien?

  Um, David Hopping, um, for my birthday, gave me a bunch of boxes of, uh, candy cigarettes. And, um, yeah, it looks like smoke's coming out, cause you blow a little powdered sugar. But sometimes I have them hanging out of my lip. They're just up in my office. And he sent, he gave me a lot of them, I'll be honest with you. Do you think you look cool? I think I look super cool. I think you do kinda look cool. Yeah. And, you know, honey, I'm always kinda fascinated with smoking. Yeah, me too. Cause it would be a great prop. Uh huh. Uh, it'd be a great thing to have. Also, I like all the accoutrement to go with a cigarette. Yeah. You know, the really cool lighters and maybe that little, you know, art deco cigarette case. The one that stops a bullet. Yes. Yeah. Yes. I've watched too many movies. And I always think. I've never seen a movie. I always think, yeah. So I've been trying to gauge when I can start smoking.

• 3:32Conan O'Brien?

  Now, listen, let me go out of my way to say, uh, people don't smoke. You shouldn't smoke. No one smoke. It's bad to smoke. But you wanna time it with when? I wanna time it. I feel the same about heroin. Yeah. What? I'm serious. Yeah. Well, you know, people, these amazing experiences and you think, I don't know, when I start to get, you know, to within a certain amount of time before, uh, my, my, my clock is gonna run out. Yeah. Maybe I'd start smoking and maybe I'd be a really cool looking old guy. Who's smoking and I have a really neat.

• 4:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:03Conan O'Brien?

  Like sort of gold Dunhill lighter from London. And I have this little case of cigarettes and I pop when I got one going on the side of my. Lip and it's hanging off right there and people are like, wow, he's really cool. And he's gonna die very soon. Because he's old. But what do we think? Is that something that's viable? I mean, I don't think I'll do it, but.

• 4:21Speaker 01

  It's like if you get diagnosed with something terminal, like when you're like eighty-five, ninety. Is that what you mean? Then you'll start, then you'll take up smoking?

• 4:29Conan O'Brien?

  But the minute you're diagnosed with something like that, they're like, you know, no, this medicine we're giving you, there's still a chance. They never say you're through. They always say there's still a chance.

• 4:37Speaker 03

  Doctors say you've got exactly a week. Here's some heroin. Go for it.

• 4:41Speaker 01

  The doctors giving you heroin?

• 4:43Speaker 03

  Well, my doctor.

• 4:44Conan O'Brien?

  I want my doctor to say, you have forty-five years left. But this won't really kick in till you're fifty, for fifty-five years if you smoke these unfiltered. So, you know what I mean? So I get to enjoy smoking a cigarette for a really long time.

• 4:58Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 4:59Conan O'Brien?

  And trust me, I think I would hate inhaling smoke. What I basically do want is a more convincing bubble gum cigarette.

• 5:07Conan O'Brien?

  And I want a lighter that puts a little extra sugar powder on my cigarette.

• 5:12Speaker 03

  Caramelizes it.

• 5:13Conan O'Brien?

  It caramelizes my bubble gum cigarette.

• 5:16Speaker 01

  To smoke, you just want the accessories that come with smoking.

• 5:19Speaker 03

  That's what he's saying, yeah.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  I know, but it's like, you don't actually wanna take up smoking.

• 5:22Conan O'Brien?

  I want though, something hanging out of my lip that I can play around with, do little tricks.

• 5:27Speaker 01

  Why don't you just get some wheat?

• 5:28Conan O'Brien?

  What? Wheat?

• 5:29Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 5:31Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, wheat?

• 5:32Speaker 03

  A piece of straw like a farmer?

• 5:34Conan O'Brien?

  Toothpick doesn't wheat. Oh, that's the same. Yeah, I love it if all my noir detective movies had Humphrey Bogart. Chewing on some wheat.

• 5:42Speaker 03

  It's the opposite effect.

• 5:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and he's like, of all the dames to walk into my place, she walks into mine. Look at those gams. Chomp, chomp, chomp. What is he, a horse?

• 5:53Speaker 03

  Hi, good wine.

• 5:55Speaker 01

  I'm just thinking, other things that could hang out of your mouth, that can be acceptable.

• 6:00Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 6:00Speaker 01

  And the first image that came to my mind was wheat that a farmer does.

• 6:04Conan O'Brien?

  Celery, a rutabaga?

• 6:05Speaker 01

  No, a toothpick. I think a toothpick's cool.

• 6:08Speaker 03

  Cobra.

• 6:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, that doesn't, matchstick really looks like you're trying hard.

• 6:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, he was.

• 6:13Conan O'Brien?

  So you think heroin for you? I mean, we're talking, and again, this is, we're telling people, you can't do these things.

• 6:18Speaker 03

  I've never done hard drugs.

• 6:20Conan O'Brien?

  We're just talking about when you've got a very short amount of time left, what are the things we would do?

• 6:24Speaker 03

  I've never done hard drugs, but I would love when I'm at death's door to know what heroin feels like. Cause everybody that talks about it, every movie I've seen.

• 6:32Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no, it's all, I don't think so. I don't think so.

• 6:35Speaker 03

  You don't think heroin is a magical experience? Haven't you seen Trainspotting? You go through a toilet.

• 6:40Speaker 01

  It did not end well.

• 6:42Conan O'Brien?

  I just, I just know that.

• 6:43Speaker 01

  Haven't you ever seen Requiem for a Dream?

• 6:46Conan O'Brien?

  The only thing looked disgusting. Yeah.

• 6:50Speaker 03

  That's what I'm saying.

• 6:51Conan O'Brien?

  I know, I'm the, you're the only guy that looks at Trainspotting as aspirational. Wow. I could hang out in a really grimy Scottish bathroom with a bunch of skinheads.

• 7:05Speaker 03

  Oh, no, I'm talking about the upswing of heroin and you have none of the bad stuff after, cause you're dead of natural causes anyway.

• 7:12Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, well, this is so dark, I want to just be the voice of reason and say I have a bubblegum cigarette and I think there's nothing cooler than that.

• 7:20Speaker 03

  Bubblegum heroin.

• 7:21Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, oh, okay. Okay. Well, that stuff is good.

• 7:24Speaker 01

  I can't think of anything that I'm like, oh, I want to try that.

• 7:27Conan O'Brien?

  You mean just before you go?

• 7:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:28Conan O'Brien?

  I think if you were told you had maybe a month to live, you would say, I want a whole room filled with hummus. Don't you think? Cause you love hummus.

• 7:37Speaker 01

  I could do that now. It's good for you. It's garbanzo beans.

• 7:40Conan O'Brien?

  No, but a whole room?

• 7:41Speaker 01

  Yes, I want a whole room, but also, no, it wouldn't be almost, it would be like, just all the bad food you're not supposed to eat. All the steaks, all the candy, all the chocolate.

• 7:52Conan O'Brien?

  But you know what? No one does that. No one does it.

• 7:54Speaker 03

  On death row, they do when they get their last meal.

• 7:56Speaker 01

  Fried chicken.

• 7:57Conan O'Brien?

  You are dark today. Look at you. Go. You're very a dark, dark blend today.

• 8:02Speaker 01

  You really are.

• 8:02Conan O'Brien?

  Heroin.

• 8:03Speaker 01

  And also, you've thought about. This you had. Oh, and in your back pocket.

• 8:07Conan O'Brien?

  What about this? What if they, there was a restaurant called Death Row? And, and you go and there's different cells instead of tables? And you order your last meal and you can say whatever you want. And it's like, I want fried chicken. I want a triple cheeseburger. I want this. And they bring you a very high quality version of those things. And then a priest comes in and sits with you. And then you're led out, but instead of to the electric chair, it's to your car where a valet hands you the key.

• 8:35Speaker 01

  That is so fucked up.

• 8:36Conan O'Brien?

  That's a great idea.

• 8:38Speaker 01

  He's dark? You're talking about.

• 8:39Conan O'Brien?

  Mine's a restaurant. He's talking about death. I'm talking about a good meal.

• 8:44Speaker 03

  Everybody gets morphine on the way out mostly if you die in a hospital anyway, so.

• 8:48Conan O'Brien?

  What is wrong with you?

• 8:48Speaker 01

  I would go, I would, you know what? I really want to try morphine one day.

• 8:52Speaker 03

  That's hell.

• 8:52Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, you know what?

• 8:53Speaker 01

  And you know, he talks about from all life.

• 8:54Conan O'Brien?

  Your restaurant's called hospice. Um, good luck with that. Mine's called Death Row. It's a huge deal. It's gonna be on Melrose in Los Angeles. Everyone's gonna go.

• 9:05Speaker 03

  I always had an idea for a restaurant called Resta Room and everyone, it's a regular restaurant, but everybody sits at an open toilet.

• 9:13Speaker 01

  What? No, but why? Oh my god.

• 9:17Speaker 03

  It's not real.

• 9:17Speaker 01

  Girls.

• 9:20Conan O'Brien?

  But wait, how does it work?

• 9:22Speaker 03

  It's called Resta Room.

• 9:23Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you get your meal.

• 9:25Speaker 03

  And your chair is a toilet. And so you don't have to go to the back. You don't have to excuse.

• 9:31Conan O'Brien?

  Are you sitting there with your pants around your ankles?

• 9:33Speaker 01

  You're laughing so hard.

• 9:34Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, as you're sitting there with your, with your pants around your ankles?

• 9:38Speaker 03

  If you like, sure.

• 9:39Conan O'Brien?

  If you like.

• 9:40Speaker 01

  If you like? Are you shitting?

• 9:42Speaker 03

  He had to say it's not real, by the way.

• 9:45Conan O'Brien?

  Caveat, it doesn't exist, yet.

• 9:48Speaker 01

  You two are the worst.

• 9:50Speaker 03

  Uh, you're with us.

• 9:51Conan O'Brien?

  Restaurant.

• 9:51Speaker 03

  You're with us in this.

• 9:52Speaker 01

  No, mine is like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. My idea of what I want to do before I die is Willy Wonka.

• 9:59Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 9:59Speaker 01

  Yours is smoking, yours is heroin. Which one is the sunniest one out of all of these?

• 10:04Conan O'Brien?

  I'd like to end on my idea for a restaurant, Death Row. Everyone's, this is my idea. I know people listening right now are rushing.

• 10:11Speaker 03

  It's a good idea.

• 10:12Conan O'Brien?

  It's a really good idea.

• 10:14Speaker 03

  You gotta have a hell of a like. Food stock and chef.

• 10:17Speaker 01

  It's like the Cheesecake Factory.

• 10:18Conan O'Brien?

  It's like the Cheesecake Factory. It's got a menu that big. Um, and I think you call ahead so they can get it all.

• 10:23Speaker 03

  Oh, okay.

• 10:24Conan O'Brien?

  You call ahead.

• 10:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:25Conan O'Brien?

  This is a very expensive restaurant.

• 10:27Speaker 01

  But like, I would want like In-N-Out cheeseburgers.

• 10:29Conan O'Brien?

  Exactly.

• 10:29Speaker 01

  Can I call them and they would bring in food from another place?

• 10:32Conan O'Brien?

  They take care of everything.

• 10:33Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 10:34Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, but you have to wear prison overalls.

• 10:36Speaker 01

  And you're in a cell.

• 10:37Conan O'Brien?

  And the priest is, I don't care what your religion is, it's a Catholic priest because that's what's in the movies. And that's non-negotiable.

• 10:44Speaker 03

  Phones from the governor, from the DA and all on the wall.

• 10:47Conan O'Brien?

  Bad news comes in.

• 10:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:49Conan O'Brien?

  Nope, nope. The governor went to bed.

• 10:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's not gonna happen.

• 10:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and then you get your really good meal. And then they lead you, uh-oh, it's, oh, you know what it is? It is an electric chair or a gas chamber. And then at the last second, um, that you veer away from that and it's the valet parking. And you get a little doggy bag.

• 11:06Speaker 01

  It's a great idea.

• 11:06Speaker 03

  Or it's the gas chamber and you sit on it. It's an open toilet.

• 11:10Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 11:10Speaker 03

  And say, we're back in business. We're back in business.

• 11:13Speaker 01

  All roads, all roads lead back to toilets with you.

• 11:16Conan O'Brien?

  I just remembered, we have a guest.

• 11:17Speaker 01

  A big toilet guy.

• 11:18Speaker 03

  Who's our guest today?

• 11:19Conan O'Brien?

  My guest today, thanks for asking, is a hilarious comedian whose stand-up special, Father, is available to stream on Hulu and Disney+. She's incredibly talented. Uh, she's amazing. I cannot wait to speak with her today. Welcome.

• 11:39Conan O'Brien?

  Atsuko Okatsuka.

• 11:45Conan O'Brien?

  I have been aware of your work, which I think is fantastic for a while. And then we met outside a comedy club in Los Angeles.

• 11:51Speaker 02

  What a blessing.

• 11:52Conan O'Brien?

  On the street. And we were just talking about what a great experience that is. I was getting ready for the Oscars and so I was hitting all these out of the way clubs. And we were outside the Elysian. Is that right?

• 12:03Speaker 02

  That's right, the Elysian Theater.

• 12:04Conan O'Brien?

  Elysian Theater?

• 12:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:05Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm, I, you know, when you stand on the sidewalk in Los Angeles, this is what's unique about Los Angeles. Any other place you stand on the sidewalk, but if you're on the sidewalk in Los Angeles, people think that you're unmedicated and dangerous. So, I mean, it's just so weird, but there was just all these comedians standing around. I was talking to them and then.

• 12:25Speaker 02

  All unwell, all of us.

• 12:26Conan O'Brien?

  All unwell, including myself.

• 12:28Speaker 02

  Peeing on ourselves. Who are we, dogs? You know, we're, right? People are like, on the sidewalk?

• 12:34Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 12:34Speaker 02

  They don't have cars. Yeah, people were staring.

• 12:38Conan O'Brien?

  If you walk in Los Angeles, there've been occasions where, you know, you park your car and then you walk a couple of blocks to the pharmacy. And if people see you walking in L.A., the assumption is something's very wrong.

• 12:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, Conan's going through a breakup. Conan's, you know what I mean? I always, I always tell my husband, like, because sometimes he'll be like, I'll go on a walk. I said, on a walk? We, we don't do walks.

• 13:02Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 13:03Speaker 02

  Me, you know, we're very pale. And we, we're like nighttime people. And we, we've tried nature, but it's, and nature is hard. Nature is hard for us because we're very like, we tried it. We went to like Joshua Tree, you know, because we got inspired by other people's Instagram posts.

• 13:19Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 13:19Speaker 02

  And while we were out there in nature, uh, we were like, oh no, we ran out of things to talk about.

• 13:25Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 13:25Speaker 02

  Right? Things like that. Anyway, so I said, don't go too far. People might think we broke up. And so that's kind of the thing.

• 13:32Conan O'Brien?

  But I love that you described nature like it's a dangerous medication.

• 13:36Speaker 02

  It's so scary.

• 13:37Conan O'Brien?

  I tried nature once and, um, I really didn't like it.

• 13:42Speaker 02

  Conan, it's just you and your thoughts.

• 13:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 13:44Speaker 02

  For hours possibly.

• 13:46Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 13:46Speaker 02

  You know what I mean? You're like, oh, you know, how long can I touch grass for? Until I'm like, okay, I've felt it.

• 13:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 13:53Speaker 02

  And now it's back to my thoughts.

• 13:55Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, Oscar, you don't,

• 13:56Speaker 02

  It's terrifying.

• 13:57Conan O'Brien?

  You don't go into nature and then just touch grass with your, you don't kneel down and touch grass with your forefinger.

• 14:02Speaker 02

  What do they mean by it? What do they mean, touch grass? I said, okay, and like, there's a trap.

• 14:08Conan O'Brien?

  No, okay.

• 14:09Speaker 02

  What's, how long?

• 14:11Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna tell you right now, as, as your,

• 14:13Speaker 02

  Please, no, please explain.

• 14:13Conan O'Brien?

  As your friend and your physician, I'm gonna tell you right now, you're never to go, you're never to go, and you're botanist, you're never to go in nature again. I don't think any amount of talking to you is gonna make this a healthy experience.

• 14:24Speaker 02

  You, you said you're not supposed to go and just touch the grass. What am I doing wrong?

• 14:27Conan O'Brien?

  You're just supposed to be in it and walk around and breathe the air and, and, and let it sort of gradually, it's not a thing you accomplish. You're, you have a very sort of type A approach to I'm gonna go into nature. Now, you're talking to someone and listening to someone who also doesn't go into nature. So I don't know what I'm talking about. I am not, I should not be your spirit animal on this one.

• 14:48Speaker 02

  Do you think, what is it, you don't have time maybe to go into nature or?

• 14:53Conan O'Brien?

  I think I too, I think we have a lot in common. I think we have a lot in common and I know from your story and from listening to your comedy, we have a lot in common. One thing we don't have in common is you walked into our place on Larchmont here just minutes ago. And I'm stunned, you look perfect. Doesn't she look perfect? No, you really do. You're, you're very beautiful, but you're also, what you're wearing? I mean, you, it's all perfect.

• 15:18Speaker 02

  Me?

• 15:18Conan O'Brien?

  You, yes.

• 15:19Speaker 02

  Mid-bite?

• 15:23Conan O'Brien?

  Mid-bite. Mid-bite? I love that.

• 15:25Speaker 02

  This is just me.

• 15:26Conan O'Brien?

  You're being all-

• 15:27Speaker 02

  Naturally.

• 15:28Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, that's how you rolled out of bed?

• 15:30Speaker 02

  Oh, you, oh. I'm just celebrating, I'm just here celebrating.

• 15:34Conan O'Brien?

  Oh my god, I'm just having cake and what? Oh, I don't even know what I'm wearing.

• 15:39Speaker 02

  Sweetie, I was just here celebrating your birthday.

• 15:43Conan O'Brien?

  Son, back me up here.

• 15:44Speaker 02

  You invited me.

• 15:45Speaker 01

  But you always, you have such a colorful aesthetic, you are really, you have Cheez-It earrings. I'm just, I'm obsessed of everything about your appearance.

• 15:54Conan O'Brien?

  And the outfit is just kind of perfection.

• 15:57Speaker 01

  It's cool.

• 15:58Conan O'Brien?

  And the lines are, I mean, you, clearly this is, how you present yourself is important to you. I'm, look like I'm in treatment for alcoholism. I'm just wearing a-

• 16:08Speaker 02

  And sweetie, that's a brand too.

• 16:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 16:11Speaker 02

  That's also a brand.

• 16:12Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I don't wanna, I'd like to, I like to dress well. But then you do this podcast, we end up talking about diarrhea half the time. So I'm not gonna put on a nice tie.

• 16:21Speaker 01

  Gesture to me when you said diarrhea.

• 16:23Conan O'Brien?

  Usually take us down that road.

• 16:25Speaker 01

  I do, I do.

• 16:25Conan O'Brien?

  It's our favorite topic.

• 16:26Speaker 02

  Y'all are so silly because you all have very specific brands that are so iconic.

• 16:33Conan O'Brien?

  What are we talking about here?

• 16:33Speaker 02

  Aesthetically, yes. I think aesthetically, something that makes a person iconic is, can someone draw you very well? And yes, literally, you know, you're-

• 16:43Conan O'Brien?

  We're good caricatures already.

• 16:45Speaker 02

  That's right. Yeah.

• 16:45Conan O'Brien?

  True.

• 16:46Speaker 02

  Iconic in like a silhouette, like The Simpsons, you know, in the dark. We see Sona's hair, your hairstyle, you know? Your glasses would probably be prominent.

• 16:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 16:55Speaker 02

  You know what I mean? Like, I've thought about this.

• 16:57Conan O'Brien?

  David has his own brand of glasses.

• 16:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, y'all are very aesthetically icons, too.

• 17:02Conan O'Brien?

  The, one thing that you and I have in common is we both have very distinctive hairstyles or haircuts.

• 17:09Speaker 02

  That's right, yeah.

• 17:10Conan O'Brien?

  I, not today, today I didn't think about it much, but usually I'm sporting this kooky wave thing in my hair. I don't know, it looks like. Defying gravity. Defying gravity. A pompadour. It's a swoop, it's, it's, it's.

• 17:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:22Conan O'Brien?

  There you go. I tried. Thank you.

• 17:24Speaker 02

  Is everyone okay? Who has to hear that?

• 17:26Conan O'Brien?

  No, I'm sterile now. Um, but you have this very cool bowl haircut. Um, as worn originally by Mo and the Three Stooges, and it's fantastic. It's perfect. And it's very intentional on your part. Is that true?

• 17:43Speaker 02

  It is, yeah, it is.

• 17:44Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, this is how your hair was when you were very young?

• 17:47Speaker 02

  This was, you know, me when I was very young. A lot of kids were cursed with this haircut, they would say, as a kid, right? My parents made me do the bowl cut, they put a bowl on me and then.

• 17:58Conan O'Brien?

  Is this part of the, is it culture specific? Is that what you're saying?

• 18:02Speaker 02

  I guess a lot of Asian kids had it, but also, um, I've met a lot of people across cultures who come, you know, with stories about how they had it too.

• 18:10Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 18:10Speaker 02

  I think this is also very like before Mo from the Three Stooges, um, friars.

• 18:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 18:16Speaker 02

  Also really.

• 18:17Conan O'Brien?

  Friar tuck and, you know, and yeah, monks would have the bowl haircut. And you know what I associate it with? Ease. It's easy to give a bowl haircut. My mom had the Sears and Roebuck hair cutting kit. There's six kids, she'd line us up, uh, in, outside the kitchen, and one at a time would jump up into like a high chair and jupe right across. So all the photos of me that you've seen when I'm a kid.

• 18:41Speaker 02

  That's right, bangs.

• 18:42Conan O'Brien?

  Just bang straight across.

• 18:44Speaker 02

  Icon.

• 18:45Conan O'Brien?

  And, um.

• 18:46Speaker 02

  Style icon.

• 18:47Conan O'Brien?

  Style icon. But I do think if any culture's doing it, it's because, especially with kids, it's easy.

• 18:53Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 18:53Conan O'Brien?

  So they probably just like snip, snip, snip, snip. You're done.

• 18:56Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 18:56Conan O'Brien?

  And that's why they do it with kids, but most kids at certain point when they can take control of their own look, reject the bowl haircut.

• 19:03Speaker 02

  It's true.

• 19:04Conan O'Brien?

  You decided not to go that way.

• 19:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, because I said, if I'm gonna be the weirdo self that I am on the inside, maybe, you know, I'll just show it on the outside so that people will know immediately, right? Okay, you're safe. Maybe. You're a weirdo. You're a fellow weirdo like me.

• 19:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 19:22Speaker 02

  You know, and you didn't have to conform to, you know, I still get a lot of messages once in a while from, you know, from guys who are like, you would be more attractive if you would just do the long hair thing, you know, and it's like, well, there were a lot of times in my life where I felt like a bit of an outsider or freak, you know, and it's like embracing that. All the things that, you know, I didn't, I was like, oh, no, this makes me look like such a, I can't make friends with this haircut, you know, and now I just want to embrace it and let people know like, yeah, let your freak, is it freak flag fly?

• 19:54Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 19:55Speaker 02

  Oh, what a tongue twister. Freak flag?

• 19:58Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it can go dirty so quickly if you say it quickly. You know what I mean?

• 20:02Speaker 02

  Freak flag fly, like that?

• 20:03Conan O'Brien?

  There's other F words get, you know, I'm just saying it can easily, if you say it really quickly, it's one of those things that if I was on the air live and I had to say freak flag fly really quickly, I'd be nervous.

• 20:14Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 20:15Conan O'Brien?

  You know what I mean?

• 20:15Speaker 01

  I thought you meant sexually a freak flag, like your kink.

• 20:18Conan O'Brien?

  Well, that's my, I meant that, yes.

• 20:19Speaker 02

  Is that, is that the saying? Is the saying more about sexual stuff than like being a weirdo?

• 20:25Speaker 01

  I think it could go either way.

• 20:26Conan O'Brien?

  It can be any way, you know, it can be.

• 20:27Speaker 01

  It could be any way, yeah. Any freak, any flag of any freak can fly.

• 20:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 20:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, in any way, in any capacity.

• 20:33Conan O'Brien?

  This is really helpful, Sona. Thank you so much.

• 20:35Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 20:36Speaker 01

  Flag you have that's freaky, fly it.

• 20:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and no one knows more about a freak flag flying than Sona.

• 20:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, than this girl.

• 20:42Conan O'Brien?

  And that's a compliment. You are very comfortable in your own skin and you're happy just saying whatever stuff you've been up to, be it legal, illegal, cool, dangerously wrong.

• 20:53Speaker 02

  Well, she's like, how did this turn into?

• 20:55Speaker 01

  I know.

• 20:55Conan O'Brien?

  I looked around for help from anybody.

• 20:57Speaker 01

  It's just a diarrhea thing and now it's I'm a freak and it lets my flag fly.

• 21:01Conan O'Brien?

  Let's get the focus back on Oscar, if you don't mind, Sona.

• 21:03Speaker 02

  Happy, happy to.

• 21:04Conan O'Brien?

  But Free Fly Diarrhea Lady over here. But that's not important.

• 21:08Speaker 02

  That's very sweet. I think what you do is, you know, because you've... Sometimes I'm like, oh, Conan, like, this is a similarity I think maybe we have. I'm not sure. I might be putting it on you. But like, you don't want anyone to feel like an outsider too.

• 21:21Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 21:22Speaker 02

  And so, I don't know. I feel like you just sensed me being like, "Oh, I don't know how the saying goes. English isn't my first language." And then you're like, "You, Sona, you're a freak."

• 21:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 21:31Speaker 02

  You're crazy. You do that.

• 21:32Conan O'Brien?

  And you know what?

• 21:33Speaker 02

  And then Sona's also a very good, you know, yes and improv.

• 21:36Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, she is.

• 21:37Speaker 02

  Teammate. So she's like, "Yes, what are you doing?" And then suddenly, no one remembers, "Osko doesn't know English." Suddenly, Osko's, you know, "Oh, Freak Fly Fly." No one remembers it anymore. This is the genius of Conan. Thank you so much.

• 21:54Conan O'Brien?

  Until you just...

• 21:54Speaker 02

  Cut to commercial.

• 21:58Conan O'Brien?

  Until you just brought it up, Osko. I did a very good job of, you know, distracting from your pain by brutally making fun of Sona.

• 22:06Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 22:14Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 22:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love awards.

• 22:17Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 22:31Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 22:31Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from U.S. News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 22:40Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 22:44Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5 N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen. Whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 23:03Speaker 01

  Hello!

• 23:04Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space with available, I have this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View U.S. News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 23:38Conan O'Brien?

  Who do you shop for first on the holidays, Sona? Was it, do you shop for the kids or do you shop for Tac?

• 23:42Speaker 01

  My kids.

• 23:43Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 23:43Speaker 01

  Or Okie.

• 23:44Conan O'Brien?

  You gotta get them your stuff.

• 23:44Speaker 01

  Or my dog.

• 23:45Conan O'Brien?

  And then your husband is last. Well, guess what? It's that time of year. You feel that, you smell that, that cinnamon cider in the air? Do you smell that?

• 23:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:55Conan O'Brien?

  And you see pumpkins around, people buying turkeys. Little early to buy a turkey.

• 24:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:00Conan O'Brien?

  Doesn't matter. Holidays, I would say it's just around the corner, but that's a cliche. It's very nearby in the cupboard. Well, guess what? Amazon delivers joy with low prices on the gifts you want, even this early in the season. So get ahead of the season. Shop early gifts, top picks, holiday decor, and advent calendars at low prices. Get a head start on holiday gifting with Amazon's low prices. Shop now at amazon.com/holiday.

• 24:31Conan O'Brien?

  Now, Sona, clearly I'm a very important person to you.

• 24:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:34Conan O'Brien?

  Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.

• 24:36Speaker 01

  Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 24:36Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?

• 24:42Speaker 01

  A vase.

• 24:43Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.

• 24:46Speaker 01

  A jacket.

• 24:47Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.

• 24:49Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that jacket, nice jacket.

• 24:50Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, so now you have to do it, because you said you would.

• 24:52Speaker 01

  Aw, man. I didn't know you were doing that.

• 24:54Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I know the holidays, I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear, and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me.

• 25:05Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 25:06Conan O'Brien?

  Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades, and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more, all in one place so you can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide.

• 25:33Conan O'Brien?

  We have a lot of commonalities. It's not just the hair. I watch your comedy and I see how all of your instincts are to put people at ease. That seems to be very important to you. And I love, you were so, I love the way you talk to an audience and get involved with an audience. You're so good at it. And kind of shining a light on what's the funny thing that's happening here, but without hurting someone's feelings, which I think is kind of a superpower.

• 26:00Speaker 02

  Oh, thank you. Yeah. Yeah. It like, it's all about like, you know, wanting to be seen and wanting others to feel seen too. Yeah.

• 26:09Conan O'Brien?

  Well, you've done this, I want to make sure I mention it now and we'll talk about it later too, but you have this special on Hulu called Father, which is delightful and amazing. And it is, you know, up for Emmy consideration, which it should be. You talk a lot about your childhood. And there are people that say, comedians that say, well, I had a really strange childhood. And then you hear about it and you go, yeah, kinda. Your story is crazily unique. And it sounds perilous, but you, you, you talk so well about it and you're so funny about it that sometimes the, uh, the reality of it can get a little obscured. And so if you don't mind just talking about that a little bit, because you're born in, is it Taiwan?

• 26:52Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 26:52Conan O'Brien?

  You're born in Taiwan, but you end up kind of growing up in Japan.

• 26:55Speaker 02

  Right.

• 26:56Conan O'Brien?

  In your early years, right?

• 26:57Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 26:58Conan O'Brien?

  And there's a lot of stuff going on in your family.

• 27:01Speaker 02

  Right. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm half Taiwanese.

• 27:04Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 27:04Speaker 02

  I was born in Taiwan. Um, day one already, uh, so my dad is Japanese. He stayed in Japan for my birth.

• 27:12Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 27:13Speaker 02

  Day one, the first face I see coming out of my mom. And I don't remember this, obviously. People were like, oh, I, I know, I have, my memory starts from day zero.

• 27:24Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 27:25Speaker 02

  I feel like-

• 27:26Conan O'Brien?

  Well, they're just lying.

• 27:29Speaker 02

  Or maybe they, you know, they're like, I did ayahuasca, you know, they're like, and my past self was two cats? You know, like, I haven't had the, what is it, the pleasure of having that kind of.

• 27:41Conan O'Brien?

  I put some in your cake. You will have that image very soon.

• 27:45Speaker 02

  I'm feeling dizzy. Why am I, oh, day one. Oh, we're still on day one. Sorry. So my uncle is actually, my uncle's face is the first thing I see because he's helping my mom get me out of her. Cause he's not a doctor, but he was studying to be an OBGYN. And my family loves a discount. And so, I think, cause I was like, what? And he's, why didn't we have like a real doctor, you know? And so I think that's why they flew to Taiwan. They loved that there was gonna be a deal and that it was.

• 28:17Conan O'Brien?

  You were at a mall?

• 28:18Speaker 02

  Relative.

• 28:19Conan O'Brien?

  It's not like getting your ears pierced.

• 28:22Conan O'Brien?

  Let's go to the birth kiosk. And then we'll grab an Orange Julius afterwards.

• 28:26Speaker 02

  I'm just outside of a Claire's. It is, it was a hospital, but yeah, so, so day one, that's already happening. And I find out later, my dad wasn't there because I guess the relationship was already rocky. That's, you know, pretty, pretty, pretty early on, me as a, me as a baby. And so three months after that, I, we all moved to Japan to reunite with my dad.

• 28:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, and so my mom, you know, so my mom suffers from schizophrenia. And my grandma was heavily involved in orchestrating, you know, my mom and dad meeting. Cause she was like, it's gonna be hard to marry this daughter off, you know, in Taiwan. Maybe we go somewhere kind of far. Maybe we go to Japan where, you know, my daughter doesn't really speak the language. And so.

• 29:21Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, your grandmother's trying to hide your mom's schizophrenia or mental issues?

• 29:28Speaker 02

  There's mental issues. I think they didn't really know what was wrong with her, you know?

• 29:31Conan O'Brien?

  Right, but she's thinking, I, she'll have a better chance of marrying if we go to a country where people don't understand her?

• 29:37Speaker 02

  Is kind of like my inkling, cause I've said to grandma, you know, like, you, there's, Taiwan's a small country, but, you know, there's still. There like, I think, here's the thing. At the time, right, a woman in her 30s, single, never had a boyfriend, they're like, what's wrong with her? Already too?

• 29:57Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 29:58Speaker 02

  And so, you know, I think there were multiple things going on. Let's just, let's just try a different place. Let's just try a different country. And, um, you know, she has a hard time making friends, something is off about her, you know, so I think it was a lot of that. And then so my grandma took the reins and saw in the newspaper, they were doing a speed dating event in Tokyo. So, signed my mom up and went there, you know? And there was a language barrier, but I think, I, I like to think that, you know, when there is though, all your secrets can't be revealed.

• 30:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 30:29Speaker 02

  You know?

• 30:29Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. So, I mean, your grandmother just sounds like a mastermind.

• 30:33Speaker 02

  She, she's a criminal.

• 30:35Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, she's a criminal.

• 30:36Speaker 02

  My grandma, don't get me wrong, she is a, she's a criminal. She also then took me to America.

• 30:41Conan O'Brien?

  That's right. You live in Japan for how many years?

• 30:44Speaker 02

  I lived there for eight years.

• 30:45Conan O'Brien?

  For eight years, and then your grandmother said, and I'm gonna tell your story for you.

• 30:49Speaker 02

  Yes, please.

• 30:49Conan O'Brien?

  I think, I think more men have to do this for women.

• 30:52Speaker 01

  Okay, okay.

• 30:53Speaker 02

  No, I wanna.

• 30:54Conan O'Brien?

  You should do a one man, your one, your next one woman show, I should come out at the top and just start telling your whole story.

• 31:00Speaker 02

  I think people would love that.

• 31:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, no, and then you come out and have me beaten.

• 31:04Speaker 02

  You're helping me out.

• 31:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm here to mansplain what Asko went through. But your, your grandmother says to you, we're gonna take a trip, and she takes you here to Los Angeles?

• 31:16Speaker 02

  Right, yeah.

• 31:17Conan O'Brien?

  And then you realize over time, she kidnapped me, more or less. Is that true?

• 31:22Speaker 02

  Yes, yeah. She said it was a two month vacation to Los Angeles, and again, uh, she's a liar.

• 31:31Speaker 02

  And, right, so we're in Japan and then suddenly, and before, you know, I'm living with my mom and grandma in Japan too. I was living with my dad. He full on had full custody of me and then slowly, you know, was like, hey, what if we spend more time with her? You know, oh, we got an apartment down the street from your place, you know? And so my dad was like, sure, you know, he's, he was already raising two other kids of his own from the previous marriage. So um and then my mom's mental health declined.

• 32:00Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 32:01Speaker 02

  Uh, pretty bad. She was very suicidal in Japan. And so I think, you know, my grandma was like, okay, we changed locations again, which, you know, at this point, I'm like, sweetie, it's not the location, you know, right? But I I get it, like, as a a single mom for so long, my grandma was, and then she was also now helping to raise me. I think she was just trying to get ahead before the next disaster. So she um contacted my uncle, her son, her other son, who lived in Los Angeles already. Hey, uh, do you have any space for us? Um, I think we're gonna try living there. He's like, we have a garage. She said, that'll do. And so, um, yeah, we came here. But she only told me it was gonna be a two-month vacation.

• 32:44Conan O'Brien?

  But you end up living for a while in a really small space.

• 32:48Speaker 02

  Right, right.

• 32:48Conan O'Brien?

  With your grandmother.

• 32:50Speaker 02

  And my mother.

• 32:51Conan O'Brien?

  And your mother, who has this very serious mental illness. And that is such an intense experience, but probably contributed to your abilities in comedy in some way, don't you think?

• 33:06Speaker 02

  I think so for sure, yeah. And a lot of it comes from, it's not like the sadness of it. It's really for me, you know, like our need to make other people laugh. I'm also a people pleaser.

• 33:17Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 33:18Speaker 02

  Um, you know, being quick enough to be like, without anyone noticing that like, what I just did, ha, ha, ha, ha, ta-da, is like mask the fact that maybe this person was feeling insecure over here.

• 33:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 33:28Speaker 02

  You know, my mom, all my life, I've seen her, right, suffer. Right now, you know, even as we speak, I I know where she is, you know, in her bed, you know, like unable to move that much. She she has seizures too now. And so she doesn't have any friends, you know, and I get to like tour and see the world. Uh, I get to hang out with icons, legends, heroes of mine.

• 33:54Conan O'Brien?

  You just said that because you don't know her names.

• 33:57Speaker 02

  I'm going, I'm here with icons.

• 34:00Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, that's what I say to the Uber driver when I forget his name. You're an, you're an icon.

• 34:06Speaker 02

  Icon, Ma- Ma- Matthew, was it?

• 34:09Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 34:11Conan O'Brien?

  People call me Matthew, sure.

• 34:14Speaker 02

  No, and so, you know, and so it's this, that's, that's like my, my want to make her feel not so bummed out and so like sad and crazy all the time.

• 34:24Conan O'Brien?

  By being funny or outrageous, is that the way you could connect with your mom if she was even in a debilitated state growing up?

• 34:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, I, I was honestly afraid of her most of my life, so I didn't know how to make her laugh, but I knew how to make my uncle and aunt laugh.

• 34:42Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 34:43Speaker 02

  Because the family is so intense, you know, we grew up, so they lived in the front house, but there was like, at least in the garage, there was no music in our house, there was no, my mom and grandma didn't watch anything, you know, uh, my uncle finally installed a TV for us back there and so I would watch like Chelsea Lately and then that's when I started like even learning what stand-up was, but um, when we would have dinners together as a whole family, that we would just eat in silence, like, you know, we just witnessed a funeral. Nobody would talk, just silent. Eventually, I think out of survival, out of like making it easier for me, I started trying to make little, little jokes, um, you know, I remember one time we had another one of these

• 35:26Speaker 02

  silent dinners, literally just, all you can hear is just like things being cut on the plate. One time my aunt asked for salt, we all jumped.

• 35:35Speaker 02

  Cause someone talked, we're like, huh.

• 35:37Conan O'Brien?

  Don't ever do that again.

• 35:39Speaker 02

  You know how I was jumpy when, when Maddie came in with the tea, that was, it's, I think it's because of that, it was always silent, it's like, oh my god.

• 35:48Speaker 02

  You know, what happened? And it was just, she's like, salt, I just said salt.

• 35:54Speaker 02

  But, um.

• 35:54Conan O'Brien?

  You all had to retreat to different corners of the garage.

• 35:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, totally.

• 35:58Conan O'Brien?

  To think about what just happened.

• 35:59Speaker 02

  We're being attacked, you know, and um, she just, she just wanted a little more seasoning. But um, so then, you know, we would sit in silence and then one time, I remember, we finished eating and I just said, well, that was really fun, we should do it again. And then my uncle cracked the smile.

• 36:15Conan O'Brien?

  That's good, okay, that's.

• 36:17Speaker 02

  I couldn't get it out of my mom.

• 36:19Conan O'Brien?

  Right, right. The um.

• 36:21Speaker 02

  Long stories, yeah, sorry.

• 36:22Conan O'Brien?

  No, but no, but I mean, that's.

• 36:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:25Conan O'Brien?

  We're not gonna have any of that.

• 36:26Speaker 02

  No, no, cuz I think I'm like.

• 36:27Conan O'Brien?

  There'll be no apologizing here for telling a really great story.

• 36:30Speaker 02

  I think cuz I'm like, oh, you know, maybe I don't know how much you already know or not, and I don't wanna be repetitive.

• 36:34Conan O'Brien?

  I'm just fascinated by your story and I, I love talking to really funny people and hearing how they made their way. That's, that's one of my favorite things, uh, or not just funny people, but a bunch of the people we've had on the show, whether they're in music, or acting, or whatever, writers. I just love figuring out how people, um, sort of like salmon swimming upstream. They have like a little idea that they're supposed to do something and they develop it. And then you can put any obstacles in front of them, they usually figure out a way to get there. And I don't know if you had a lot of role models growing up, who, you know, where you could see someone and say, if they can do it, I can do it. Were there stand-ups that really you gravitated towards?

• 37:17Speaker 02

  For sure, yeah. I mean, you know, it's, it was hard though, because I never saw, so I was starting to see stand-ups on like the Chelsea Lately Show, for example.

• 37:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 37:27Speaker 02

  And one of the first stand-up specials I saw was Margaret Cho's through someone at church. I used to go to church, that's how they get immigrants, they go, do you want friends? Hey, welcome to the country, you want friends, right? We're like, yes, we speak your language, oh, that's cool, we have free food, I like that.

• 37:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 37:44Speaker 02

  And then boom, uh, suddenly, you know, I'm at Jesus camp.

• 37:49Speaker 02

  There I am, go Jesus, go Lord.

• 37:52Conan O'Brien?

  That's how they get ya.

• 37:53Speaker 02

  Go God, you know, yeah, I'm the cheerleader for God, I'm in the choir, I'm an alto, I'm an alto. My uncle is the choir director, anyway. Sing a cantata, do you know what that is?

• 38:04Conan O'Brien?

  This was a huge inspiration to you, this, this religious conversion, the way you talk about it.

• 38:09Speaker 02

  I mean, it really came in my life so quick, I mean, I'm from Taiwan and in Japan, like, Jesus-less countries.

• 38:15Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 38:16Speaker 02

  You know, and then suddenly I'm getting baptized willingly, I mean, and then, and in a choir. singing alto because I could never hit the high notes alto is very hard. You know, we all know.

• 38:27Speaker 01

  No.

• 38:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, we do.

• 38:29Speaker 01

  Oh, we do? Okay.

• 38:30Speaker 02

  Well, altos, you have to harmonize.

• 38:32Speaker 01

  Oh, boy. No, no, no.

• 38:33Speaker 02

  So you had Josh Groban the other day. He gets to sing the melody, singing, "Happy birthday, dear Conan." I'm gonna, "Happy birthday to you." Nobody cares. They go, "Oh, that sounded beautiful." Yeah, because someone was harmonizing, creating an illusion that there's a whole group.

• 38:54Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, you're very bitter about this.

• 38:57Conan O'Brien?

  You've had so much success and you've achieved so much and you can't get past this.

• 39:03Speaker 02

  Well, Conan, when you get kicked out of the choir. By your uncle, who is the choir director.

• 39:10Speaker 01

  No.

• 39:11Conan O'Brien?

  Were you kicked out for, because of your musical abilities or because you were causing trouble?

• 39:16Speaker 02

  I don't know. You just heard me sing, but we did a cantata, okay? I only got to perform once with the choir. We did a cantata. Do you know what a cantata is?

• 39:27Conan O'Brien?

  I was gonna be quiet because I thought everyone else would know.

• 39:29Speaker 01

  No, I have no idea.

• 39:31Speaker 02

  Timothy Chalamet would know.

• 39:33Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 39:33Speaker 02

  But it's, it's like a short opera.

• 39:36Conan O'Brien?

  Short opera.

• 39:36Speaker 02

  It's like forty-five minutes long. We did a cantata.

• 39:38Conan O'Brien?

  That's a short opera?

• 39:39Speaker 02

  Because I think.

• 39:40Conan O'Brien?

  About all I could handle. Oh, I'm sorry.

• 39:43Speaker 02

  Oh, you and Timothy both.

• 39:44Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, I was with Timothy both. Again.

• 39:46Speaker 02

  Oh, turns out.

• 39:47Conan O'Brien?

  I'm kidding. I love opera. I was there last night at the opera.

• 39:51Speaker 01

  Which opera?

• 39:52Conan O'Brien?

  L'Amour.

• 39:53Speaker 02

  He only lasted, he only lasted.

• 39:55Speaker 01

  Wow, nice. You had that in your pocket. That was good.

• 39:58Conan O'Brien?

  Back pocket, l'amour.

• 39:59Speaker 02

  He left, yeah, he left forty minutes in.

• 40:02Conan O'Brien?

  I had to. It's a urinary issue. I love opera, but I can't go more than forty minutes without relieving my bladder. It's a terrible disease and I'm waiting for a big commercial that I get to do about a medication.

• 40:15Speaker 02

  You're right. It's ages.

• 40:16Conan O'Brien?

  If I put it out there, then.

• 40:17Speaker 02

  It's ages to even ask you, ask.

• 40:19Conan O'Brien?

  Thank you.

• 40:20Speaker 02

  We must respect our elders. We can't, we can't respect them.

• 40:24Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, how did I get here?

• 40:25Speaker 02

  Wait, I was.

• 40:26Conan O'Brien?

  I've had this condition since I was fifteen. I urinate every 11 minutes.

• 40:32Speaker 02

  Sorry, you've been doing really good. Are you doing the?

• 40:35Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I have a, I don't want to tell you. I'm wearing a device right now.

• 40:38Speaker 02

  It's okay.

• 40:38Conan O'Brien?

  I've urinated nine times since you've been here.

• 40:40Speaker 02

  Let me guess.

• 40:41Conan O'Brien?

  This got dark and thanks a lot, Sona.

• 40:43Speaker 02

  I did this?

• 40:46Speaker 02

  The device you're wearing, sponsored?

• 40:50Conan O'Brien?

  I'm glad you asked, Osko.

• 40:51Speaker 02

  I'm glad you asked. Depends.

• 40:53Conan O'Brien?

  With pee on the go.

• 40:57Conan O'Brien?

  Developed by NASA. Uh, listen, we're gonna, we're gonna try and make sense out of this and I know I can do this.

• 41:03Speaker 02

  Right, right.

• 41:03Conan O'Brien?

  Um, but we left you at Jesus camp. You're getting kicked out of the choir because no one appreciates the incredible.

• 41:09Speaker 02

  It was an Easter performance. It was the first one in the church. Uh, I, I love to sing loud.

• 41:15Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, boy.

• 41:16Speaker 02

  Because he has risen and I don't know, wouldn't you do that too, I guess? So, I'm not a trained singer. Choir is a voluntary basis thing.

• 41:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, they can't be picky.

• 41:27Speaker 02

  There's no audition. It all is welcome. Well, guess what? That means I'm on there too. With my skills. My uncle called it nepotism. I got to join, you know, uh, pretty easily. And then after the cantata, I was never asked back.

• 41:43Conan O'Brien?

  Wow.

• 41:44Speaker 02

  Um, he said, you love to sing aloud, Osko, and we could hear you.

• 41:50Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, he wanted you to sing but not be heard?

• 41:52Speaker 02

  Because I was off a lot. And he said, sometimes you would also sing in English. We, it was a Taiwanese church. We sang in Chinese. And we could hear, because I don't speak Chinese at this point. A bitch is confused. I was in Japan. I'm in Japan. Now I'm in a Los Angeles in a garage. I left Tokyo for this? To be undocumented? We were undocumented.

• 42:16Conan O'Brien?

  You were undocumented.

• 42:16Speaker 02

  We had no papers. My grandma didn't, because we were supposed to be here on vacation. So, we just applied for a two-month play visa or whatever that's called.

• 42:25Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 42:25Speaker 02

  Tourist visa.

• 42:26Conan O'Brien?

  Sure.

• 42:28Speaker 02

  And then we overstayed it. Boom, what happens? Suddenly, we're here illegally and, and, uh, in Japan, I only spoke Japanese. Suddenly, I'm learning Chinese because I'm half Taiwanese too and now I'm living with my Taiwanese side of the family. I'm confused. I'm Christian now and now I'm singing alto.

• 42:46Speaker 02

  Of course, I'm off key. Of course, I gotta go into English sometimes.

• 42:49Conan O'Brien?

  I think you put it best when you said, "A bitch is confused." You know? That was gonna be the title of my autobiography. Now you've got it.

• 42:57Speaker 02

  It's hard out here for a pimp. When you're trying to make money for the rent.

• 43:05Speaker 02

  So, when I first saw Margaret, it was just me like, "Oh, this is so awesome. Okay, now I know this exists and she exists." And, you know. Well, also at the time, I didn't even know. I didn't know until I was like 16 that I was undocumented and what that even meant, right? Because I wanted to suddenly drive like all my friends at school. Like, everyone was getting their permits. And I said, "Grandma, I wanna drive too." You know, none of us drive. I think it'd be cool and then I can drive us around. We don't, uh, the bus, I don't, we don't have to take the bus anymore. You know, you're old, you know, and, um, it'll be easy on us. And she goes, "Well, you can't, you can't drive. You can't do that because we don't have, uh, social security numbers."

• 43:50Speaker 02

  And I was like, "Oh." Like, that was the first time I had realized, you know.

• 43:53Conan O'Brien?

  What a way to find out.

• 43:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know. I was, yeah, because I wanted to do.

• 43:58Conan O'Brien?

  By the way, you're here illegally. Yeah, yeah.

• 44:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, right, right. So, it's like, it comes to, you know, bureaucracy, paperwork stuff, right? That, how would I know? I'm a, I'm just, you know, a high school kid trying to kiss boys.

• 44:13Speaker 02

  And I did, yeah. That was, that, you don't have to be an American to do. That was cool. And go to school.

• 44:20Conan O'Brien?

  Most, most boys don't ask for your social security number.

• 44:23Speaker 02

  Oh, thank God.

• 44:24Conan O'Brien?

  Before, well, I was always a stickler. Sometimes a girl would be like, "What's smooch?" And I'd say, "Well, hold on a second. I'd like to see various documents." And that's, yeah, that's why I was a virgin until, uh, well, Obama's first term.

• 44:38Speaker 02

  Okay, we call that a narc.

• 44:43Speaker 02

  We're like, "The school snitch over here trying to get kisses still?" We're like, "Do not trust him."

• 44:47Conan O'Brien?

  I'd try like to kiss you, but I'd like to see your papers.

• 44:51Speaker 02

  We're like, "This narc over here." And, uh, no, and so, yeah. Because I was surprised because there's so much you could do. I was going to school. I was in the cheerleading squad.

• 45:00Conan O'Brien?

  Were you a good cheerleader?

• 45:01Speaker 02

  Um, I was, uh, you know, as a squad, we were okay.

• 45:07Speaker 02

  As a squad, we were self-taught.

• 45:09Conan O'Brien?

  Together, we were okay.

• 45:10Speaker 02

  Together, we were okay.

• 45:11Conan O'Brien?

  Separately, we were awful. What a great recommendation. We're not very good. We're terrible when we're apart. But when we get together, we're okay.

• 45:23Conan O'Brien?

  Tune in.

• 45:25Speaker 02

  We really kept, we really kept people's attention with our spirits. You know? We were, we really kept it. We were very self-taught. We didn't have a coach. Our cheer squad. When people hear that I was a cheerleader, they're like, "Oh, you were a jock." I'm like, "No, no, you don't understand." My squad, it was like full of girls who were like, "If it went for, if it went for cheer, I would have joined the gang."

• 45:48Speaker 02

  These girls were scary. These girls...

• 45:52Conan O'Brien?

  I didn't know that, I didn't know that being a cheerleader was the last exit before gang.

• 45:59Speaker 02

  Well...

• 46:00Conan O'Brien?

  That's hilarious.

• 46:01Speaker 02

  Welcome to Venice High School.

• 46:02Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 46:03Speaker 02

  Early 2000s.

• 46:04Conan O'Brien?

  Sure.

• 46:05Speaker 02

  Okay. Venice... No, me too. I, I was like, you know, I, I, I thought cheerleaders were like the bring it on girls.

• 46:13Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 46:13Speaker 02

  You know what I mean?

• 46:14Conan O'Brien?

  Sure.

• 46:15Speaker 02

  And then here I am. I'm, you know, I join and it's, yeah, it's my fir-, they were like the first girls to accept me. Right? So my first friends were Latinas and black girls who, who called me Coco. They gave me a nickname.

• 46:29Speaker 02

  And some of the girls, I mean, they were, like, some of the girls were, their boyfriends were part of the Crips.

• 46:34Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, wow.

• 46:35Speaker 02

  One of them, Juanita, I remember, one time, um, her boyfriend called her a bitch, to which she pulled out a switchblade, put it up against his neck, and said, "If you call me that again, I'll cut you, and then I'll cut myself."

• 46:53Speaker 02

  What? I was there, I said... Juanita! I know, I said... Damn, you are crazy. You are crazy.

• 46:59Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, I get the first part, but the second part seems extraneous. I'm gonna say extraneous.

• 47:05Speaker 02

  We're like...

• 47:06Conan O'Brien?

  "I'll cut you, and then later, I'll cut myself." Wait, Juanita, I'm very afraid of you cutting my throat. What you do on your own time, later.

• 47:17Speaker 02

  The drama.

• 47:18Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 47:19Speaker 02

  The drama, right? She was a poet, too, on top of it. I was like, wow, so these were the kinds of girls. Once I got my driver's license senior year, the captain of the squad, she borrowed my car during lunch, went, got an abortion, came back for six periods. What were your friends like?

• 47:37Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 47:38Speaker 02

  So this is the cheerleaders. When I say, yes, when I say if it weren't for cheer, we would have joined a gang, these are suddenly my friends in America, you know? And I was like, wow, like, I have been snoozing. What is this exciting life? There was, we would go to, um, one time we went to Denny's parking lot, where a fight broke out between the cheer squad and the flag team. I had never seen such a thing. We were all in uniforms after, after.

• 48:06Conan O'Brien?

  The cheer team fought the flag team.

• 48:09Speaker 02

  Yes, because one of the flag team girls started dating, oh, oh, no, no, no, one of the cheer squad's ex-boyfriends. And I said, oh, what, what is this?

• 48:18Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 48:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was trying to get on board because I'm such a scaredy cat. I don't fight. Literally, like, the only things I fought are like, helped fight are the voices in my mom's head in that garage.

• 48:29Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 48:30Speaker 02

  And, you know, fighting for my life to stay on the choir. That's the only things I fought for.

• 48:35Conan O'Brien?

  Is this, so the fight starts to go down. Did you, what did you do?

• 48:39Speaker 02

  So I was scared. I showed up with Juanita. They're already, everyone's in uniforms.

• 48:43Conan O'Brien?

  Juanita's just hitting herself in the corner. I'll get you and then I'll get them.

• 48:48Speaker 02

  She should have done that. She should, can you imagine? The flag team would have retreated.

• 48:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 48:54Speaker 02

  This crazy bitch.

• 48:55Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna first punch myself, then I'll get you. If you're not careful.

• 48:59Speaker 02

  Incredible tactic.

• 49:00Conan O'Brien?

  Juanita's just backwards with everything.

• 49:01Speaker 02

  I love this. Incredible. She's all, she's all cartoon like.

• 49:07Speaker 02

  I would love that. Oh, man. I'm cheering her on because we're cheerleaders.

• 49:13Conan O'Brien?

  Sure.

• 49:14Speaker 02

  No, so I'm on the sidelines. I don't know what to do. And Juanita's like, I'm gonna get in there. I'm gonna get in there. The fight started. People are dragging each other on the ground. But first off, they march in, okay? The flag team comes in with their flags. I was like, is this West Side Story?

• 49:31Conan O'Brien?

  It's West Side Story with flags.

• 49:33Speaker 02

  And it's confusing because it's like a... The flag team was also like Latin and like black girls too. So we look like we're on this... We don't know who's fighting who. Thank God for the uniforms, because you'll get confused.

• 49:47Conan O'Brien?

  The uniforms help a lot.

• 49:48Speaker 02

  At least with West Side Story, it's like, okay, Puerto Ricans versus the white people.

• 49:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 49:53Speaker 02

  Similar dance moves. It's confusing, you know what I mean?

• 49:56Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 49:57Speaker 02

  These girls, yeah, so thank goodness for the flags. Because then I go, okay, that's not my squad mate.

• 50:02Conan O'Brien?

  Right, right.

• 50:03Speaker 02

  You know, and the pom poms, we have the pom poms.

• 50:05Conan O'Brien?

  Dumbest fight I've ever heard of. Easily the dumbest fight I've ever heard of.

• 50:08Speaker 04

  But I'm dying to know who won?

• 50:10Speaker 02

  I know. People are getting distracted. There is no winning, sweetie. There's no winning in violence.

• 50:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, David. Yeah.

• 50:18Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:19Conan O'Brien?

  No one wins.

• 50:19Speaker 04

  I'm sorry, I'm sorry to ask.

• 50:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, David. Except for maybe Juanita's boyfriend. Who is at home going, oh, thank God I have a break.

• 50:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 50:29Speaker 02

  Tonight, but...

• 50:30Conan O'Brien?

  Have you kept up with Juanita at all, or any of these people?

• 50:33Speaker 02

  Um, yes, we're on, uh, on, on Facebook.

• 50:36Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, that's nice. I like that.

• 50:37Speaker 02

  They still call me Coco. A few of them have come out to see my shows.

• 50:40Conan O'Brien?

  That's okay. That makes me really happy.

• 50:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, me too.

• 50:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 50:43Speaker 02

  And so, oh, I was the... You asked me for my role. Um, I held everyone's jewelry.

• 50:51Speaker 02

  Because they knew, they were like, Coco can't fight. And I was like, oh, yeah, and I'll just hold, yes. And so, you know, the scene in Cinderella.

• 50:58Conan O'Brien?

  Right, you had one of those TSA bins.

• 51:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's right. Or the scene...

• 51:03Conan O'Brien?

  Clink, clink. Let's have it all. Clink, clink. Now get to it, you two.

• 51:06Speaker 02

  Hoop's coming up, yeah. Thank you. A more, you know, uh, modern reference. I'm referencing Cinderella. I'm like, you know the scene in Cinderella? He's like, how about the TSA yesterday?

• 51:18Speaker 02

  Where.

• 51:18Conan O'Brien?

  You know.

• 51:19Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 51:19Conan O'Brien?

  Any way I can help, I like to help.

• 51:21Speaker 02

  Thank you so much. Yeah, I'm like, you know, Cinderella, Cinderella, Cinderella. Who's watched Cinderella lately? Anyway, there's a scene where they're throwing things at her and she's like holding the jewelry and the clothes. You're not go to the ball. That was me with the fight. I was holding the jewelry and and then just shouting positive affirmations. Because again, we were cheerleaders. I could do that. J U A N I T A. What's this spell, Juanita?

• 51:50Speaker 02

  So those were all, yeah. Why did I? I don't know why I went and did cheerleading.

• 51:55Conan O'Brien?

  Because I was asking you about this fight. And I'm curious because the Hulu special that you did, Father, you're talking about, because so much of what we talked about today, your father's introduced at the top of your story. And then I think you guys were estranged for a long time.

• 52:09Speaker 02

  Right, right.

• 52:10Conan O'Brien?

  And this is you're reconnecting or reestablishing a tie with your dad.

• 52:15Speaker 02

  Right, yeah, it's true. He didn't, he missed out on my cheerleading days, my choir days, my Jesus camp days.

• 52:22Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 52:23Speaker 02

  Um, in a way, it's cool though, because when we got to meet up and we really got to reconnect.

• 52:29Conan O'Brien?

  Has he been living in Japan this whole time?

• 52:30Speaker 02

  So he's been living in Japan, working as an engineer, raising, you know, my half siblings.

• 52:35Conan O'Brien?

  Mm hmm.

• 52:36Speaker 02

  So once we were undocumented, another rule that I didn't know was you can't leave the US if you want to come back in, right?

• 52:45Conan O'Brien?

  Got it.

• 52:45Speaker 02

  So we were stuck here and I suddenly, you know, I didn't get to say bye to my dad, who's in Japan, super busy, you know, raising kids, single dad. And I didn't get to say bye to my friends there. So I just felt super like suddenly, oh, like I didn't get closure from a place.

• 53:02Conan O'Brien?

  You're cut off in an unnatural way.

• 53:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, and then I got busy, right, with like cheerleading or trying to get a driver's license. I finally got my green card when I was 17. Uh, we did the Visa lottery program where, you know, you, I guess my grandma, the hustler, uh, finagolor, uh, pretended we were in Japan still the whole time and you, uh, she put our names into the lottery. Oh my god.

• 53:28Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, first of all, I want, I want this woman running my life.

• 53:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:32Conan O'Brien?

  I also, actually, I want her running our foreign policy too.

• 53:35Speaker 02

  Don't take David's job away. He's right here.

• 53:38Conan O'Brien?

  I think your grandmother just would beat out David so quickly. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you can't do these things. You can't get me into a Japanese lottery system to become a full citizen of the United States. You've never achieved that.

• 53:49Speaker 05

  You ask me all the time.

• 53:50Conan O'Brien?

  You went to Lululemon today and bought me some underwear.

• 53:52Speaker 05

  That's true. I did do that.

• 53:54Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 53:55Speaker 02

  And she, yeah.

• 53:55Speaker 05

  Would she do that?

• 53:56Speaker 02

  She could do that too. She, she could do that too. But she's doing like international, committing international, I don't know. I, I say crimes, but she really was able to, with a network of other grandmas from the church. And we know grandmas, like the network of grandmas, they're true.

• 54:13Conan O'Brien?

  They're making it happen.

• 54:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're true like gangs. You know what I mean?

• 54:17Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 54:17Speaker 02

  They're telling each other, you know, the best deals at, at the supermarket. Or, you know, they're telling each other like what loopholes, you know, to what bank to go with if you want the higher interest rate or whatever.

• 54:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 54:31Speaker 02

  And so through that, she figured that out. And then every year she would apply for the lottery. And every year, you know, our names wouldn't get pulled. And then on the seventh year, all three of our names got pulled. And so, yeah, and that's how we got to get a green card.

• 54:48Conan O'Brien?

  Well, let me be the first to welcome you to America.

• 54:50Speaker 02

  Oh, oh, what a place. Thank you so much.

• 54:54Conan O'Brien?

  I'm assuming I'm the first. It's been a while.

• 54:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:57Conan O'Brien?

  But probably no one else had the courtesy to say that.

• 54:59Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 55:00Conan O'Brien?

  So welcome.

• 55:01Speaker 02

  I mean, you're kind of like a diplomat, right? To so many countries, to, to many countries, you're the orange-haired American man that they'd rather see when you go abroad, right? And you've, you've done that for us.

• 55:16Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 55:17Conan O'Brien?

  That is true. That is true. I'm, I'm trending ahead of other orange-haired people who tend to show up in countries sometimes.

• 55:24Speaker 02

  You've done that for us. I mean, you closed the gap for us on like, or you tried to get ahead of it with Greenland. You know what I mean?

• 55:29Conan O'Brien?

  I, I've, I've, I think I've pioneered in a lot. I think I've done so much for the world.

• 55:34Speaker 02

  You have.

• 55:35Conan O'Brien?

  But I think like the alto in a choir, I'm also overlooked. And I think that's another way that we're.

• 55:41Speaker 02

  Thank you to the nod at altos.

• 55:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, that's what I do. I have to ask you this before we wrap. Your father, how does he feel about this crazy success you've had?

• 55:51Speaker 02

  Oh, my gosh.

• 55:51Conan O'Brien?

  Is he, I'm guessing he's really proud?

• 55:54Speaker 02

  Yes, he got to see me perform a couple of times on my international tour now. And so it's cool, you know, I was saying like he missed out on, you know, my choir days or cheerleading days and stuff like that. But also, he kind of missed out on, you know, me struggling to, in my comedy career, right? Like trying to figure it out. I said, okay, finally, let's try this stand-up thing. And, you know, it's wild that after years of trying it, years of doubting myself, maybe I'll go to like art school instead as a backup plan, which is a terrible backup plan, right? Why go linear? Why, with also unemployment.

• 56:36Speaker 02

  I got a degree in creative writing and...

• 56:40Conan O'Brien?

  Boo art, boo creative writing.

• 56:43Speaker 02

  No, this is art school. So creative writing is literally like, if you want to turn in two words, that's your thesis. You know, it's like that. So, you know, he missed out on those years, but then I was developing my voice. And then when we met again, right? It was me doing an international tour back in Japan to thousands of strangers who know who I am in Japan. When you come back from like work or school, you say, "Tadaima, I'm home." And your family members go, "Okari, welcome home." And so on that show where my dad was there, I tried saying it. I said, "Tadaima, I'm home," to these Japanese audiences.

• 57:26Speaker 02

  And all thousands of them together said, "Welcome home." And I was like, I almost broke down and cried. And, you know, my dad could understand those parts. And it was really cool because it was like, like, you know, I hadn't been home like that in 22 years, you know? It's, yeah, so it was really cool that that was how we got to reconnect.

• 57:46Conan O'Brien?

  It is like you're, you know, it's like the Superman myth. He's put into a space capsule and, you know, when he's a baby and shot off and then... If you catch up with him 25 years later, whatever, 10, 15 years later, he's Superman. And it's just this thing that happened that you couldn't foresee, but it's magical. And I think an amazing gift that your dad gets to see that.

• 58:08Speaker 02

  Sometimes you gotta make people miss you and come back, you know, hotter. Right? Isn't that the whole thing?

• 58:15Conan O'Brien?

  Well, listen, Asko, the special is beautiful. It's on Hulu, Father, and I wish you all the best in Emmy season because you deserve it. You are so funny and you've got a great spirit. And it was just, it's nice to get to know you better because I admire you. And then to have you here and talk. And we got to chat a little bit and bond out on the sidewalk, outside of that comedy club. But I remembered leaving that night and was like, oh, this is unfinished business. We have more to talk about. So I was so glad you could come in and I hope you come back.

• 58:49Speaker 02

  Oh, thank you for having me. You guys are true kindred spirits. And if I may, now I cheer.

• 59:01Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 59:03Speaker 02

  I've really, I've really set it up.

• 59:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. There you go.

• 59:08Speaker 02

  Give me a C.

• 59:10Conan O'Brien?

  C.

• 59:10Speaker 02

  You got your C, you got your C. Give me an O.

• 59:13Conan O'Brien?

  O.

• 59:13Speaker 02

  You got your O, you got your O. Give me an N.

• 59:16Conan O'Brien?

  N.

• 59:16Speaker 02

  You got your N, you got your N. Give me an A, N, N, and we got Conan.

• 59:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yay.

• 59:25Conan O'Brien?

  I like when you ended, there was a little bit of, ugh.

• 59:29Conan O'Brien?

  We got, well, Conan.

• 59:32Conan O'Brien?

  Asko, thank you so much.

• 59:33Speaker 02

  Thank you so much for having me.

• 59:42Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right? Yeah. Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 59:59Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 59:59Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from U.S. News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 1:00:08Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 1:00:12Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5 N, which I love.

• 1:00:16Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:00:17Conan O'Brien?

  Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 1:00:32Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 1:00:32Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I have this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View U.S. News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 1:01:06Conan O'Brien?

  Who do you shop for first on the holidays, Sona? Was it, do you shop for the kids or do you shop for Tac?

• 1:01:10Speaker 01

  My kids.

• 1:01:11Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 1:01:11Speaker 01

  Or Oki.

• 1:01:12Conan O'Brien?

  You gotta get them your stuff.

• 1:01:12Speaker 01

  Or my dog.

• 1:01:13Conan O'Brien?

  And then your husband is last. Well, guess what? It's that time of year. You feel that, you smell that, that cinnamon cider in the air? Do you smell that?

• 1:01:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:23Conan O'Brien?

  And you see pumpkins around, people buying turkeys. Little early to buy a turkey. Doesn't matter. Holidays, I would say it's just around the corner, but that's a cliche. It's very nearby in the cupboard. Well, guess what? Amazon delivers joy with low prices on the gifts you want, even this early in the season. So get ahead of the season. Shop early gifts, top picks, holiday decor, and advent calendars at low prices. Get ahead, start on holiday gifting with Amazon's low prices. Shop now at amazon.com/holiday.

• 1:02:00Conan O'Brien?

  So, you have to admit, the holidays, it's really about hanging with the people you love.

• 1:02:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:06Conan O'Brien?

  And getting to be yourself. Not going to some stuffy holiday party where you need to conform to what the man wants you to think about the holidays.

• 1:02:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:15Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's about being yourself. Turn your holiday time into Miller time by enjoying a Miller Lite in a place where you're free to enjoy yourself. On a walk with a cousin? With a cousin? Why are they getting all specific about?

• 1:02:26Speaker 01

  Because it's family.

• 1:02:27Conan O'Brien?

  But what about a niece or a nephew?

• 1:02:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:31Conan O'Brien?

  Like a walk with an ex-wife?

• 1:02:34Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know. I mean, they're just throwing, that's a weird, they just made a very specific choice.

• 1:02:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:38Conan O'Brien?

  Now's the time for those unexpected holiday side guests and enjoy a great tasting light beer. 'Tis Miller time, as Dickens wrote. Miller Lite is brewed for taste, the taste you can depend on. The original light beer since 1975 and still iconic more than 50 years later. I like to be with my bros, my chums, my posse. Crack open a Miller Lite, take a swig, a sip, look around and see my friends. We've known each other forever and we're just hanging out.

• 1:03:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, you guys are just doing chest bumps and high-fiving.

• 1:03:08Conan O'Brien?

  Miller Lite is great taste done right. Go to millerlite.com/conan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. 'Tis Miller time. Celebrate responsibly Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

• 1:03:30Conan O'Brien?

  All right, we're gonna do a little segment. Normally, we do this with Matt Gourley and we do something called Review the Reviewers where people call in with reviews and we listen to them and then I respond to their reviews. But Gourley's not here, he's on paternity leave. And because he's out and we don't have Review the Reviewers, I thought I'd just supply the call-in reviews myself.

• 1:03:50Speaker 01

  Oh, boy. Oh, this is so sad.

• 1:03:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. So, let's listen. This is, uh...

• 1:03:54Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 1:03:55Conan O'Brien?

  This is Jack Muncy and he's coming to us from Cleveland, Ohio. And he says, let's play it right now.

• 1:04:04Speaker 01

  You're pressing a button.

• 1:04:07Conan O'Brien?

  I listen to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend all the time. I think it's the best podcast ever. Conan's mind, like, I listen to his mind work. And I'm like, this guy's splitting the atom. I don't even have a question. It's just that funny. A show and it's like, I also think, I don't, is it me or is he like the coolest guy ever? I don't know. But, uh, I don't know, Conan. I don't even have a question here. You're just incredible. Well, wow, that was pretty cool.

• 1:04:39Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that was so nice.

• 1:04:40Conan O'Brien?

  Mr. Muncy, I, I, thank you very much. I don't think I'm splitting the atom. I'm just saying things that come to my mind and it tends to dazzle. I guess. You know what I mean? I don't know. You know, it's weird if you have these superpowers, you don't walk around going, oh, wow, I have superpowers. You're like, I'm Superman. You know, I can crush this piece of coal and it becomes a diamond.

• 1:05:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:04Conan O'Brien?

  Another day, another dollar. You don't get amazed by it because you've lived in this body for a long time.

• 1:05:08Speaker 05

  Sure.

• 1:05:09Conan O'Brien?

  What do you think about me?

• 1:05:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:05:11Conan O'Brien?

  Good enough.

• 1:05:12Speaker 01

  What do you think about me? What are, who, what, what are you, what's happening?

• 1:05:17Conan O'Brien?

  Karen Stipson in Anchorage, Alaska, has a call.

• 1:05:22Speaker 01

  We don't know.

• 1:05:23Speaker 06

  Um, hey. Conan? Um, yeah, Karen here and I listened to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Why would you need a friend, you know? I would think you, you'd have more friends than anyone on earth. You're just the funniest, most creative. And I just, I don't know, I saw you host the Oscars and I was like, I'd do that guy.

• 1:05:45Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 1:05:46Speaker 06

  He's all that and a bag of chips.

• 1:05:48Speaker 01

  Karen.

• 1:05:49Speaker 06

  And I said, people talk, I know, I shouldn't be talking this way, but.

• 1:05:53Conan O'Brien?

  Karen's live reacting?

• 1:05:55Speaker 06

  I'm only.

• 1:05:56Speaker 01

  Karen, are you listening to us right now?

• 1:05:58Conan O'Brien?

  Karen, are you on the, on the line?

• 1:06:00Speaker 06

  I'm anticipating what you guys will be saying, I guess. I won anticipator of the year award last year. I'm a really good anticipator, but I'll just wait for Sonas and David's laughter to calm down. I'm assuming it's happening. But anyway, I just, I don't know, I just, I was in a cone and I'm like, wow, how is he, wow, how is he, oh, he's just the best. So anyway, Conan, I'm just curious, do you ever think that you'll divorce your wife and maybe be back on the market and hang out at Anchorage? I sure hope so. A lot of ladies up here will be pretty happy. Well, gotta go now, bye. Oh, look, it's cold out.

• 1:06:37Conan O'Brien?

  That's Anchorage for ya. A little joke, bye. Well, no, I don't think I'll be divorcing my wife anytime soon. Love my wife. We've been married a long time. She's my soulmate. But hey, you'll be the first I'll call should the deal go down, because she may want me out.

• 1:06:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:58Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, she gets pretty exasperated. I do this thing at home where I take pretend calls. And Liza hates it.

• 1:07:04Speaker 01

  Oh, she does?

• 1:07:04Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:05Speaker 01

  Oh, but it's so great.

• 1:07:07Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, so that's... She said, "Why don't you go do that at work?" So I thought I'd do it here at work. But anyway...

• 1:07:11Speaker 05

  Wait, that was you?

• 1:07:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Well, no, no, no. I didn't do it here yet. I'm thinking I might do it.

• 1:07:16Speaker 01

  Karen said, "You're all that and a bag of chips."

• 1:07:18Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, that's how kids talk now, I guess.

• 1:07:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay, it's funny. I hear you say that all the time.

• 1:07:21Conan O'Brien?

  No, not me.

• 1:07:22Speaker 01

  And literally nobody else. Okay, okay.

• 1:07:24Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah. So, pretty cool. Victor Hidalgo.

• 1:07:30Speaker 05

  Where's Victor calling from?

• 1:07:31Conan O'Brien?

  He's coming from Corpus Christi, Texas. Conan, man.

• 1:07:38Conan O'Brien?

  You're the man. You're the man, Conan. You're one cool hombre.

• 1:07:45Speaker 01

  Is he Mexican?

• 1:07:47Conan O'Brien?

  You're a cool guy, Conan. I'm actually, despite my name, I am... My family's from Sweden.

• 1:07:58Conan O'Brien?

  But I just use the word hombre every now and then.

• 1:08:01Speaker 01

  Okay, just...

• 1:08:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, but my father is Lars, and my mother... My mother is Torja. And, yeah, I just go by Victor Hidalgo, you know? But anyway, I just want to say the show's amazing, and sometimes when I'm sitting in my sauna and having a taco,

• 1:08:24Conan O'Brien?

  I just think, "This Conan guy is amazing." Again, no question, just Victor Hidalgo here from Sweden, and I just think you're amazing.

• 1:08:32Speaker 01

  Again, no question. Like, he's referencing Jack Muncy?

• 1:08:36Conan O'Brien?

  I'm just anticipating...

• 1:08:39Speaker 05

  It's weird how it's like they're with us.

• 1:08:41Conan O'Brien?

  That everyone else probably didn't have a question either, because what can you ask this man? It's like, perfect. You know, we have an old saying in Sweden, "If the skates aren't bent, skate away, skate away." And I just want to say, "You're the best, Conan. You're absolutely amazing." And someday, I hope you and I can split a chimichanga.

• 1:09:03Conan O'Brien?

  Peace out.

• 1:09:04Speaker 03

  Wow, that guy's incredible.

• 1:09:05Speaker 01

  Peace out. He said peace out.

• 1:09:07Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, he did.

• 1:09:07Speaker 01

  Oh, cool.

• 1:09:08Conan O'Brien?

  I have to say, these have been amazing calls, and I don't, I don't, these are better than the calls that are curated- The Gourley finds? By Gourley, who I think does a shitty job finding callers. Do you think there's a caller from like a Sona fan? Oh, well, I could try and find out. Let's see, I'll look through the list here. Um, no, there isn't.

• 1:09:26Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 1:09:28Conan O'Brien?

  And I know that violates every rule of improv, but no. It isn't.

• 1:09:36Conan O'Brien?

  There's absolutely no.

• 1:09:37Speaker 01

  Not a single one?

• 1:09:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, we're getting a call right now. We're getting a live call right now. Eduardo, can you patch this through? This person says they're a Sona fan, let's see if they are.

• 1:09:48Speaker 01

  Oh my god, he's pretending to press buttons.

• 1:09:51Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, is Conan there? Is Conan on the line? Yeah, this is Conan, what's going on? You say you're a Sona fan? Oh yeah, I'm a big Sona fan, I just psyched him on a Sona fan, I just wanted to get on.

• 1:10:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, psyched, psyched, psyched, I'm a Sona fan, I just wanted to talk to Conan, you're the best, Conan, I don't even know what Sona does. Sona seems like she asked you for a lot of favors, I think it's too many favors.

• 1:10:14Speaker 01

  Hey, you have the phone.

• 1:10:15Conan O'Brien?

  I just say Sona's a... You suck David Hopping, you suck, you suck, you suck. Psyched, psyched, you suck.

• 1:10:23Speaker 01

  Fuck you, fan.

• 1:10:24Conan O'Brien?

  Baba booey, baba booey, baba booey.

• 1:10:26Speaker 01

  Fuck you, fan.

• 1:10:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, fuck you, Sona, I can, fuck you, yeah, you stink.

• 1:10:30Speaker 01

  Enjoy, fuck you.

• 1:10:31Conan O'Brien?

  You're dragging Conan down, he's the best, alright, bye. Yeah, bye bye, Conan, ah, woo, woo. Jesus, that was unpleasant.

• 1:10:40Conan O'Brien?

  It said, he psyched me out, he said he was a fan of yours.

• 1:10:42Speaker 01

  You know what, not all our fans are good. I think that we don't need all of them.

• 1:10:47Conan O'Brien?

  Well, we do need that guy.

• 1:10:48Speaker 01

  No, I don't think we do.

• 1:10:49Conan O'Brien?

  It says here he's a multimillionaire, and he wants to give all of his money to the show. Which of course would mean it would go to me. Alright, well, that was Review the Reviewers, and I thought it went really well. Incredible fans I have. You're great fans. The best. Peace out.

• 1:11:26Speaker 03

  Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.