147: Why Friendships Can Be Harder Than Romantic Relationships

On this week's episode of The Sabrina Zohar, reflects on one of the most asked question about "Non-Romantic Friendship". She opens up about the complexities of platonic relationships, from the heartbreak of friendship breakups to navigating the anxiety of making new friends in adulthood. Sabrina shares her own journey through friendship wounds and how she's learned to heal and set boundaries, even when it means walking away from people who no longer serve her growth. Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! If you've ever felt like you're too much, not enough, or always chasing validation in dating or relationships, the Self Love Course gives you the tools to rebuild your worth from the inside out HERE! Do you feel like your emotions run the show and react in ways you can’t control? Join the Nervous System 101: Navigating the Unknowns In Early Dating from Sabrina and Masha Kay HERE! Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

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• 1:00Sabrina Zohar?

  Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Welcome back, babes. We are still not in our new studio. We are make shifting it for now, but I knew it had to be something special when we go in there. But today, my babes, we're doing a really special episode. When I say this was the most highly coveted number one question asked, I got over 700 questions for this episode, and we're going to talk about non-romantic friendships. Now, it's going to be a two-part series. Today, we're going to talk about friendship breakups, moving on after that happened. How do you make friends as an adult? How does that impact you? The different ways that friendships impact us. And then next week, when we have our next solo, we're going to talk about friends with benefits and casual and, you know, being friends after a

• 1:44Sabrina Zohar?

  breakup and the romantic aspect of friendships. Today is just platonic. Guys, as always, thank you for everything. Thank you for showing up and thank you for the people that come to bat for me. Thank you for having my back. For anybody that rates, reviews the show, shares it with a friend, joined one of the courses, whatever you guys are doing, please, I just want you to know, fucking thank you. Thank you for letting me show up as me and you guys showing up as you. So babies, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? My best friend ghosted me after 20 years and I'm heartbroken. What do I do? I got so many of questions like that. It was actually kind of wild to see that. You know, we have this misconception and I hear it every fucking day. No, no, I'm just anxious in dating. It doesn't happen anywhere else in my relationships. No, no, no, it's only there. I used to be that girl.

• 2:29Sabrina Zohar?

  I used to, I used to wholeheartedly believe that there wasn't anything that I was doing. I was just held, dealt a shitty hand of cards and me, me, me, me, me. And it's funny, actually, somebody left a review today saying, you know, send this to your girlfriend, to your friends that always complain they want a relationship, but they keep finding themselves in the same situations and keep da, da, da, da. And I chuckled because I was like, that's a damn good friend. That's a damn good friend that is saying, hey, I can't support you anymore doing this because you just keep doing the same shit. Here are resources that can help you. And to me, I think, at least for me, the friendship wound has been a wound that is so deeply ingrained in my psyche and who I am, that even as an adult now, it has been hard. It has been hard to let people in. It has been hard to have safe and healthy relationships.

• 3:12Sabrina Zohar?

  And hard meaning, it doesn't mean that I don't do it, meaning that just like dating, when you go from super unhealthy and toxic and everything into something healthier, that can feel really, really strange and really scary and really uncomfortable. Same with friendships. And I want you to even stop and think about how many times you've text a friend or you've stopped and go, well, I haven't heard from them. Are they mad at me? Wait, did I say something? And the reason I bring this up isn't to shame or blame anybody. It's to show like, wow, romantic relationships do also impact me and my anxiety and how I show up. And so I want to talk about that. I want to talk about why losing a friend hurts so fucking deeply. I want to talk about how to make friends as an adult. And I want to talk about how can we start to show up? Because not everything in life is about romantic.

• 3:54Sabrina Zohar?

  Not everything in life is about our romantic relationships and dating and who we're fucking. Sometimes it's also about, well, who do I go to, to talk about those things? Who do I turn to in my moments of need? Who do I feel supported with? And how can I process and move on from that? And I'll be honest, y'all. When I say I've struggled with friendships, I've struggled with friendships. I have had years of, you know, my momma always being like, oh, I think people are jealous of you and me being like, it's not that. And as an adult, you're like, maybe it is that. Maybe it is an insecurity. Maybe it is that they project. And as you guys know, I have my book coming out. I'm not going to tell you the biggest part of the story here because there's one friend that shows up in that book. And I think it's really important that you guys read about it. And so we're going to keep her aside, but trust me, babies, I got plenty of others that play into the dynamics of friendship and being a friend.

• 4:39Sabrina Zohar?

  And I look back on my childhood and the friends that I had. I personally, I don't have, I've been friends with them for 20 years. I don't have that. I don't have childhood friends. I don't have high school friends. I don't have college friends. I have people that I knew from that time. I have people that to this day show up and contact me and reach out of like, hey babe, oh my God, thank you so much. Or this episode was so great, holy shit. But I don't have somebody that I could, I don't turn and say, that's my best friend for life. That is my person. That is my ride or die. I've got incredible friends. I've got people like Masha and Britt, who I would consider my best friends and I would consider my closest. But I've only known them for a few years, maybe two or three. And the reason I bring this up is because no matter where you are at in your life, that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. Because if you look back and say, I don't, I can't say that I have this, that's okay.

• 5:24Sabrina Zohar?

  Right? I even think about, okay, if we get married, who would be my bridesmaids? And I stopped and I was like, you know what? I don't even know if I'd have any. I would probably just have my mom, my sister, and my good, just like really close friends that I have there. But outside of that, I don't have this like bridal party that I'd start to assemble. And if you do, fuck yeah. I am so happy for you if friendships have never been a part of your life that have been tough. I am so fucking happy for you. But not everybody has that experience. And I'm here to show you the other side of it. And when I start to look back even on friendships I had growing up, realistically speaking, what you're willing to allow in your relationships are also going to show up in your friendships. And my grandma Lucy always used to say, tell me who your friends are and I'll show you who you are. Because who you surround yourself, you're some of all their parts.

• 6:07Sabrina Zohar?

  If I go and see that friend's liability, but then why are you with them? What are you doing? And I'm so tired of being like, well, I've known them for 20 years. And it's like, and how much shit have they gotten you into? Or I hear this all the time of like, my friend said this, this and this with my dating life. And it's like, okay, and is your friend somebody that you would date? Oh my God, I would never, they're super unavailable. But yet we're taking advice from these people. But yet we're showing up and we're telling, these people are telling us how to live our lives when they're mostly just projecting in their own insecurity and what they're going through. And when it comes to friendships, it's less about, I need a million. It's more about quantity over quality. And so I think when it comes to us even just understanding and unpacking the friendship conversation, which again, still really is tender for me. And it's very triggering in my own way. I think what we need to call- Call out is, where did this start?

• 6:51Sabrina Zohar?

  Right? I grew up, I was bullied so fucking hard growing up. There was always something that people were bullying on me for, whether it was the way I looked, where my parents were from, how my family was, the fact that my brother was a total fuck up and had been arrested when I was fucking nine and a half. So everyone in our community knew about it. The fact that most people knew about my dad's promiscuity and his bullshit and how he was treating us, but we didn't. And a lot of the friends I had revolved and mirrored the way I was being treated by my family and by the people in my surroundings. And I remember, I'm aging myself, when AOL came out and you used to go on, you'd sign on, you'd scream in the house like, "I'm going online!" You hear the "eeeh" noise. And I remember like, there was these two girls, I'm not gonna say their name. I never want to say anybody's name, just because I don't know that that's appropriate to call people out like that fucking 20 years later.

• 7:35Sabrina Zohar?

  But when I was in elementary school, I was always different. And I don't think that was a surprise to anybody. I was always different. I never, I was always beating to my own drum. And I didn't really understand why people didn't like me. I think I cognitively understood that not everybody was gonna be for me. And I'm getting emotional even just talking about her because I can see that girl. I can see my nine-year-old me being at school and seeing all the friends hang out, knowing I wasn't part of the cool kids, knowing I wasn't the popular kid. That didn't mean that people didn't still like me, but I wasn't that girl. I wasn't the cheerleader, I wasn't the cool girl, I wasn't any of that. I was my own person. And I had these two girls and they made my life a living fucking hell. I remember at school thinking, "We're cool, we're friends, everything's great."

• 8:18Sabrina Zohar?

  And then going home and being on AOL and then realizing that they were together, even though they told me that they weren't gonna hang out after school and they'd bully me online. And then I remember showing up in school and being like hurt and confused and not really understanding it, and then them just dismissing me or being flippant or being like, "Again, drama queen," and gaslighting me into my own, just thinking that my experience wasn't real and accurate. And that set up the precedence of the type of relationships I was gonna have. Because if I wasn't demanding better for myself and my friend group, then what would make me think that my life was gonna change in my adult life? And I remember when I left these girls, I was like, "Fuck these bitches. I am so done with this mid- elementary school." Then I went to middle school. That's when I met the girl that will be showing up in the book. And that's when I realized that there are gonna be a lot of people that don't fucking

• 9:03Sabrina Zohar?

  like you. There are gonna be a lot of people that put you down. There are gonna be a lot of people that talk shit about you. There are gonna be a lot of people that just have always something to say because I was the girl with short spiky hair and I had the high socks. I had gold braces. Like, I beat to my own drum. I never felt like I genuinely belonged anywhere. And I made friends in that same regard. And then when I went into middle school and realized like, a lot of those girls were hanging out without you, right? Like, there's, no one ever regrets introducing two people more than you introducing two of your best friends together and then realizing that they're now starting a new friendship that doesn't always include you. And that came with jealousy and insecurity and comparison. And then I moved to high school and felt even more alone and felt like I really didn't have anybody and I never could relate to any of the people I was friends

• 9:46Sabrina Zohar?

  with. And I remember hanging out with some shady people, right? You know, you see them and you're like, you know, you're 14 and you're like, oh, you're smoking cigarettes? Like, is that what we're supposed to do? But I was so scared to open my mouth because I had nobody. Right? Like, my friends were my chosen family. My friends were the people that stepped in when my sister was being a fucking asshole to me, when my brother wasn't there, when my parents were having their bullshit. But who stepped in for me? People that replicated the same dynamics I was trying to run away from? Who stepped in for me? People that reaffirmed that there was something wrong with me, that I'm too much, that I'm not good enough because I always had to get their validation because I was starving for anybody's attention and then included even friends? And I've spent a lot of time alone. I spent a lot of time doing things that may not have been for my highest good because I was just trying to hang out with people that would like me. And I moved to New York and kind of replicated that same feeling.

• 10:31Speaker 00

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• 11:01Sabrina Zohar?

  If I could put my finger on what is the common theme between friendships and myself was always feeling like I had to perform in order to be seen, always feeling like I needed their love and validation in order to be okay. How many times I'd send screenshots to my group chats or to my friends and be like, can somebody please help me? Because I didn't know what to do, but then I'm taking these fucking wackadoos advice. And I think what really hit it for me when I really realized that you can't rely on fucking anybody was I had these group of friends in Venice and there was one girl I liked more and the other two, I think it was really, there was one girl I put up with just because she was best friends with the other girls and you're like, all right, whatever. I don't know that I like this girl, but like she's whatever. And then there was one girl and she was the youngest of the group and she was my friend.

• 11:43Sabrina Zohar?

  I introduced her to this new dynamic and she was very avoidant, very avoidant, very cold and she was 25 and I'm 32. I just wanted her approval and I just wanted to go work out with her and like be cool with her, but there was something about her that I just, I think felt familiar and she reminded me of a lot of the friends that I had in middle school. And I remember I was going for Shark Tank and I'd even asked her to watch Clem and she'd always watched him and of course gave me some excuse that day, so I needed my neighbor to watch him. And like I helped her get her fucking apartment, like I was there for this girl, I had to fucking move in and move out, I had to sign her fucking lease, I had to find the place. Like I showed up in every way as a friend. I was trying everything to show up with authenticity of like, look, you're like my sister, like let me help take care of you, when my own siblings have treated me like shit all my life.

• 12:27Sabrina Zohar?

  And again, self abandoning to try to get somebody to see me and like me. And I got sent home from Shark Tank that night and it was one of the lowest moments I think I've ever had. And I've talked about the fact that like this one guy had called me that I had gone on one date with just to see how I was doing after Shark Tank, because he was a business owner and he talked me off the ledge of hurting myself. I was gonna kill myself that night. And I, trigger warning, right, to anybody, I wanted to hurt myself in a way because when I got sent home from Shark Tank, I genuinely thought my life was over and so I just wanted the pain to end. And how was the pain end? Maybe if I close my eyes and I don't wake up, it'll go away. And so I know you're not alone if you feel like that. And the next day, I text the girl and I told her, hey, last night I had a really, really dark night, I had some really dark thoughts, are you around today? I could use a friend. And she texted- Me after, sorry to hear.

• 13:12Sabrina Zohar?

  And then all of a sudden, the other girls from the group that I was saying I didn't really like started messaging me. Hey, we're gonna come over now because if you do something to yourself, we're not gonna be able to live with that. And I was like, wait, what the fuck? How did you find out? And so I contacted the girl and I said, how the fuck did the other two find out? And her response was, mind you, she lived across the street from me. She could have walked to my house, you could have thrown a stone between the two of us. She was home at the time. And her response was, I would have felt bad if you did something to yourself and I didn't tell anybody. And I remember stopping and I was like, you fucking cunt. I was like, tell anybody, I said, how about you walk over? I said, I can see you in your fucking window right now. And it hit me, I was like, I can't trust you. You didn't even show up for me, you didn't try. You sent it to, you told other people, one who, girl who's out of the country, who even said, she was like, I don't know why I was told this.

• 13:57Sabrina Zohar?

  And the other girl who I can't stand, who you knew I couldn't stand. And instead of being a friend and showing up for me, you outsourced it. And I remember just sitting there and I was crying hysterically and I was like, fuck this person. And I told her, I was like, I'm done with the friendship, I am fucking done. I was like, I've barely known you for a year and already you have done so many things that have hurt me, you've lied about things. I am done. And girl didn't even try, she was just like, wow, you're being dramatic, ma, ma, ma, ma. Fine. And then the other girls tried to defend her and they were like, she didn't do anything wrong. One of the girls was like, no, yes, she did, I don't think that was appropriate. Needless to say, I was done with those girls. Clem passes away a month later. The girl I told you, lived next to me, walked right by me, I'm crying hysterically on the corner. And this is a girl who used to babysit Clem.

• 14:37Sabrina Zohar?

  This is a girl who was with him all the time and walks callously by me to the point where my mama, my mama stood up and went, you fucking coward. Starts going off and my neighbor was like, let her have it, he's like, let your mom go, this is called grief. And she went, she's, my daughter showed up for you in so many fucking ways and this is how you show up? This is, the dog died, this is innocent and this is how you fucking think that you're a friend? Said you should be ashamed of yourself and if I ever come close to you, I have no problem telling you even more about how I fucking think about you and the pathetic way you show up for people. I've had some really shitty friendship instances. I've had people use me, I've had people try to just, I know the people now that have no, I haven't fucking heard from you in three years and now you contact me. Oh my God, congratulations, babe. By the way, my mom-

• 15:21Sabrina Zohar?

  Has a book that's coming out. There it is. And what I've learned over the years is grief also plays into your friendships, not just in your romantic. It's not about someone dying. You can have, I've had friends where after 10 years, I've said, I'm done. And what causes me to go there is how much more am I going to give of myself before I realize that I'm empty? That I have nothing left in the tank, that this person's not supporting me. They're giving me terrible fucking advice. They do everything they tell me to do, they do the opposite. They get frustrated with me. They get short with me. They are always putting me down. Why am I here? Why am I here consistently showing up and showing up and showing up? And so the, what I wanted to share with you guys is it's normal for you to feel exhausted and frustrated and done with friendships and saying, I'm no longer going to self abandon.

• 16:03Sabrina Zohar?

  And how many times I'll make content and people will put that under, it works for friendships too. And my response always is a hundred percent because friendships are relationships. Of course it's going to work with all of that. And at the end of the day, if you're in a friendship right now, I need you to take stock. I need you to stop yourself for a minute and start to ask yourself, does this feel reciprocal? Do I actually value and respect this person or am I here because I'm scared that there's nobody else? Do I feel like I connect, do we have things that we connect with about? Or am I just scared of being alone? You're a human. It's okay for you to be scared. It's okay for you to say, I'm just, I want to hold on because I'm worried about if I don't meet anybody else. But then I'd ask you, just because you're thirsty, does it mean you drink the poison when there's nothing else around? I'd rather you be alone than be with people that are reaffirming the reasons that you feel even more alone.

• 16:46Sabrina Zohar?

  I'd rather you be alone than you being surrounded by people that reaffirm that there's something wrong with you because of their inability to handle things. Because guess what? You think me choosing avoidant, unemotionally unavailable people was just in my romantic? It was also in my friendships because that felt safer. I had to continuously prove and earn my worth to them, especially females. For me, I had been let down by men. So to me, that was normal. But women, having my sister, who broke my heart many a times, who, my sister's way of handling things was she went to, family matters more than, or friends are her new family. My sister will meet someone and in 10 minutes, she is parading around how that's like her sister and then throwing me into the fucking bus. To this day, and I love my sister with all of my heart and I hope she fucking sees this because I'd say this to her goddamn face.

• 17:30Sabrina Zohar?

  She has always chosen friends over me as her own sister. And then she gets fucking burned. And she wonders, because when you try to heal through other people that you abandoned your family for?

• 17:44Sabrina Zohar?

  Can't be surprised when you're gonna be disappointed as well. And I'm crying because I know there's a little girl in there who just wants to be seen right now. And I know there's a little girl in there who says, "My own family did this to me, but why do friends have to as well? I thought they're supposed to be our chosen family. And I thought friendships are supposed to be a safe haven for me, but why are these hurting so much? Because I chose friends that replicated the same core wounds that I was dealing with in my family. And I continued to until I realized it's okay to let go of people. Friendships are allowed to end. You're allowed to outgrow people, places, and things. You don't have to hold on to people just to say that you have them. I'll never forget the bachelorette party I went to. Have I told you guys about that?

• 18:29Sabrina Zohar?

  If I haven't, buckle the fuck up. This is how I lost a friend. I went to a bachelorette party that I thought was a really good friend of mine. I thought this was my girl. I thought she was my homie and it was all friends of hers. There's 10 or 12 people that I didn't know. And so I was the only person there and I was one of two single people. Everyone else has a relationship, a partner or somebody. And already I flew the furthest. I had spent the most money. Like I was very clearly investing myself into showing up for this girl because I thought she was a good friend of mine. And I had matched with a guy when I landed because I was staying like a week and a half. I was staying longer to do work and stuff. The bachelorette party was the first three days. And I remember when we got to the house, already everyone was wasted. I don't drink alcohol. It's not my thing. I just don't like it. So being around a bunch of people, like again, friendships where like we were revolve around alcohol or drinking,

• 19:13Sabrina Zohar?

  like then those are probably not friendships I'm gonna keep because we don't really have a lot in common. They're all wasted. They're fucking shitfaced by the time I show up. And we were all sitting down finally eating and maybe an hour or two after I get there. And all the girls are like, "So the single girls, we need to live through you this weekend. What is happening?" And so I told them, I was like, "I matched with this guy." And they're all like, "Oh my God, he's so cute. You should invite him." I was not, blip on my screen, that night, I went into the room to FaceTime him because the girls were wasted. I even told them, I was like, "Guys, I'm done." I was like, "You're all, I'm the only sober one." Then I'm talking, running around naked around the house, like hitting each other and slapping each other. I'm like, "I am not on the same level as you guys. Like, I don't want to do this." So I said, "I'm gonna remove myself. I'm gonna go in the room. Good night. It's 10 o'clock at night. Good night." So I FaceTimed the guy and that's how we first met. And he said, "Listen, I'd love to meet you. Why don't we meet up after your bachelorette party?"

• 19:58Sabrina Zohar?

  Perfect. Then I come back, I'm about to go to bed and the girls were like, "Oh my God, you should invite him to the beach tomorrow." And I was like, "Really? Like, are you sure? Me invite him?" "Yes. Oh my God, you should invite him. We're living through you this weekend." First red flag.

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• 20:41Sabrina Zohar?

  Then I invite him to the beach, and they all start getting weird. And mind you, we're just sitting at the beach. And the one girl, and I remember we go off into the water, he and I are like, you know, kind of canoodling and getting all romantic. It's a very romantic little setting. And the girls then text me after. Mind you, they didn't even tell me they were leaving the beach. We were in the water. I come out, and even he was like, "Where did everybody go?" I was like... And right before he came, all the girls were then telling the other single girl, "Get hot, Bumble, let's find you a guy, he's so fucking hot." So when he showed up, this poor guy, he was like, "Hi, girls." And they were like, "Woo!" Being all cute. Then all of a sudden, they disappear. And I get a text, "Please don't invite him to the stripper, and make this up." And in my head, I'm like, "You think I was gonna invite him?" First of all, I didn't know there was a stripper. I was like, "What? You guys are now just telling me."

• 21:25Sabrina Zohar?

  So he walks me back to the house, and he said, "Listen, can I see you later?" And I said, "We're all going out partying, they wanna go do drugs and shit. I don't really wanna do that. Why don't you and I meet up after the party tonight? And we can fuck off, and I'll come back in the morning." And he's like, "Perfect." So I go back to the house, and all the girls are like, "Ooh, make up, tell us everything, ba ba ba." And I was like, "Ba ba." And then one girl says, "You should invite him out tonight. Does he have any friends for the other single girl?" And I was like, "I wasn't gonna invite him, I was gonna meet him out after, because you guys all wanted to go out after dinner, and I didn't." I was like, "You all knew I was gonna come home." And so I was like, "No, but I can." And so I invite him, I said, "Why don't you come around like 10 o'clock?" I was like, "We're going to a bar, why don't you come out when we're all out?" And he's like, "Okay, sounds good." We're in the Uber, and even one of the girls, the best friend of the bride, says, "I'm just so happy for you, I know you've really struggled with dating. It feels nice to see you happy with a guy."

• 22:10Sabrina Zohar?

  And I'm like, "Thanks, man." Like, that really means a lot. We get to the restaurant and we're going in the one of the little fucking chihuahua callers, fucking cunt is the only way I could describe her. Out of nowhere says, "You know, I think it's really inappropriate that you decided to bring a guy when it's a girl's trip. And I don't think the bride would appreciate that." And I looked at her and I said, "Hey, you and I could talk privately. I don't know that we need to announce this to everybody." She made a scene, to the point where when I went to the bathroom after to clean myself up, the other girls came in and were like, "That was really inappropriate. She had no right to do that. Like, that was really fucked up. Like, you didn't do anything." And I'm like, "I don't understand." I was like, "I didn't invite him. Like, I have no problem this guy not being part of anything. Like, let me just remind you, I don't need this to happen." And we have dinner and the girl's still, and so finally, he's gonna come at like 10 o'clock at night.

• 22:55Sabrina Zohar?

  And I even talked to the bride and she was like, "Dude, I don't really care. Like, if you wanna go have fun, have fun." I was like, "Okay, thank you." He shows up. 10 o'clock, 9:30 or 10. And at this point, I'm sitting there alone, like, no one's talking to me. The other girls are being very obvious that like, they don't wanna... Fine, okay, then why am I here? And so I even told the girls, like, "I'm gonna go and get laid, I'll be back." And like, "I've never heard of a bachelorette party or a party not being excited that your friend met somebody." And even the girls were like, "Oh, you guys are really cute together." Like, one of the girls came up and she's like, "I think he actually likes you." And I was like, "Is that a problem? Like, what's the big deal?" And when we went up to the girl after and I was like, you know, I said, "Hey, I'm gonna, like, I think we're just gonna go and hang out." All of a sudden, the little fucking chihuahua starts shit. And even to the point where the guy was like, "Yo dude, you're wasted." And he was like, "You're screaming at us, we didn't do anything." And he was like, "Your girl has been..."

• 23:40Sabrina Zohar?

  He was like, "By the way, your friend, me, has been sitting there alone for the last hour and no one has come up and talked to her." He's like, "I walked into the bar and I saw her alone." And he was like, "And none of you guys are even..." And she made this whole scene and I said, "You know what? I think it's better I remove myself." I had like 100 text messages that night of like, "Oh, this girl leaving me threatening voice notes." I wake up in the morning and I'm like, I just look at the guy and he's like, "Do you wanna go get your stuff?" None of them have any idea what happened. All of them are like, "What? What happened, Sabrina? Where have you been?" So they're totally wasted. So when I tell them what happened, I was like, "I'm removing myself, I want nothing to do with any of you." I never spoke to any of them again. The girl who's the bachelorette that was her party then decided after to say, "Well, I thought it was fucked up what you did." And I said, "Can you tell me what I did?" And she said, "You invited a guy." I had to go over with her everything to the point where then she went,

• 24:24Sabrina Zohar?

  "Oh, okay. Yeah, you're right. I guess it was us who egged you on." And she was like, "But, you know, I thought you would know better." And that's what I mean by like, I put myself into these situations. I showed up as the friend I wanted to be. Was I upset, pissed, angry, all of those things? Of course. But I had to remove myself and say, "Listen, I didn't do anything wrong." You might, listen, if this was an issue, I don't know. I never even had any plans to meet this guy. I will take full ownership of like, okay, if you had an issue, you, they wanted me to invite him back, they wanted me to invite him to the house. They wanted me to invite him to the house that night. And thank God, he said no. He was like, "It's cool. I have my own apartment or my own house." He's like, "I'll just have Sap come to me." Because they were even saying, they're like, "I want to hear it." Like, that's how fucked up these girls were. Is that like, they set me up and teed me off. And they all then were joking about it and laughing about it.

• 25:09Sabrina Zohar?

  And I was like, "You're a bunch of fucking mean girls." Now, did that hurt? Yeah, that fucking hurt. Leaving that situation felt so shitty. But I knew in my heart of hearts, I had to choose myself. I had to grieve the fact that these fucking people, just because they're good people or whatever, doesn't mean that they're a fit for me. I had to accept the fact that just because I had known this girl for years, doesn't mean that she needed to continue to be my friend for years. And I had to grieve the fact that just because I show up in a certain way, doesn't mean that everyone's going to show up like that for me. And friend endings hurt so badly because that's actually our safe space. One, oxytocin is released. Oxytocin is released during connection. It doesn't know that it's platonic or romantic. Two, we then put our safety in these people. Notice, wait, wait, wait for just a second. Do you notice how similar a lot of the stuff I'm talking about is our romantic stuff?

• 25:53Sabrina Zohar?

  For my OGs that have been here for a while? You see what I'm saying? Friendships hurt just as much as relationships, but even more. Because as your relationship ends, that's that, right? Okay, done. We weren't friends to begin with. But a friendship ending, it's a phantom limb. Who do I text? Right? Like, when I had my one friend who, the girl that like, I was like texting morning into night, the one person that I was always chatting with, always asking advice. When she and I stopped being friends, I was going through a withdrawal. Because I had to let go of somebody that I thought was my family, was my thing. It hit that core belief of like, I'm never going to find a- Anyone again, but then I just made space for having better friendships. And then I allowed myself now, like, Masha's a lot more avoidant and I'm a lot more anxious. And it took us like a solid year to understand the friendship. And we, because we kept having conversations where I'd say, hey, you know, this felt really hurtful.

• 26:38Sabrina Zohar?

  And she would come and she was like, I'm so sorry, you know, that is feedback I've gotten before. Thank you so much. And she would say, like, I understand if the way I'm a friend to you isn't working for you. And I want to make sure that I respect that. Are you telling me you don't want to be my friend? And I was like, no, you dumb bitch, that's not what I'm saying. Obviously, and I said that with love. And we talk about it. And I said, here's what I need from you. And she was like, totally valid. And thank you so much for sharing. Like, what is it that you need from me? Here's what I need from you. And we talk about it. And she even said, if you don't want to be my friend, I respect it. And I will never try to argue about that. But I want you to know that I deeply care for you and I would hope that we can continue being friends. Because there's a way to reestablish friendships in your adult life that you may not have had in your early life. But bitches, I'm going to tell you this to you and I'm going to tell it to you now. Stop fucking holding on to people that are trying to bring you down. Stop holding on to people that reaffirm your core beliefs.

• 27:22Sabrina Zohar?

  Stop holding on to people that treat you in the fucking way that your friend, your fucking family did growing up. And stop holding on to people that reaffirm that there is something wrong with you. I don't care if this is a friend. I don't care if this is a lover. I don't care if this is somebody that you just fucking met last week. Let go of people who are letting go of you and let go of people who are not really there for you. You want to hold on to all these fucking people and say, well, I've been friends with them for so long and they can't leave me. And what am I going to do? Bitch, I'd rather be alone than in bad company. I'd rather be alone and know that I have my back than fucking desperately craving for some fucking schmo to give me the validation that I can give myself. We're done with that. We're done accepting breadcrumbs, whether that be friendships, whether that be romantic, whether that be anything. You deserve the fucking loaf. And until you stand up for it, you will not get it.

• 28:07Sabrina Zohar?

  Because ain't nobody going to step up for that in the ways that you will. I won't. I'm not going to support you in the ways that you'll support you. I will support you, you know what I'm saying? But I'm saying, I'll never go to bat in the ways that you can go to bat for you.

• 28:18Speaker 00

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• 28:48Sabrina Zohar?

  So let's answer a couple of questions, shall we? So someone said, how do I grieve a friendship when I got no closure? In the same way that you grieve romantic relationships? That closure is your brain's way of intellectualizing and saying, well, if I just have an answer, well, then I won't hurt as much. But instead, what we need to say is, I'm allowed to grieve, I'm allowed to hurt, I'm allowed to feel like this person dropped me like a bad habit. We've all had that. Every person, I don't go, fuck who's listening. Don't you dare fucking lie to me. Every single person here right now has had a friend that has ghosted them, that has a friend that's left them, that has a friend that's turned their back on them, that has had a friend talk shit about them. We've all been there. And how do you let go of that? You accept them for who they are and you start to look at, how is that impacting me? I had been so beholden to even my followers for a long time, I've talked to you guys about that. I, my nervous system saw them as friends.

• 29:33Sabrina Zohar?

  So that's why I was like, oh, my God, but I'm losing them. Am I? Or am I letting people go? How empowering is that? What a reframe. Am I losing them? Or am I allowing them to walk out of my life? Am I letting them go so I can make space for something better, bigger and more sustainable for me? I'd much rather that. And how do you meet friends? Right? How do you make friends as an adult? You start to interject yourself into the community and doing things that you like. So might first start with seeing somebody and making a compliment about what they're wearing or something. Then maybe finding a common interest of like, oh, do you come here as well? Oh, yeah, I love working out. Oh, my God, you live in the neighborhood too? And then you go in with, well, we should like grab a drink or like, we should go out for dinner or maybe we could do something like, I'm always looking for new friends. I've done that. I fucking love Kami Crawford from Catfish.

• 30:17Sabrina Zohar?

  After we met and we did our podcast, I text her and I said, making friends as an adult is weird. Can we be friends? And she was like, girl, I'd love to. I love Kami. I just went for it. Now, that doesn't mean I talk to her all the time. Like, that doesn't mean that we hang out. And we kick it all the time, but I know that like anytime I message her, we both conversate. Anytime I need her, she's there. We try to see each other when we're in the same space. If it works out, it works out. And if it doesn't, it doesn't. But like, I look at friendships as you are in addition to my life, not instead of. You can't be my everything because it gets really codependent and we want to try to break that. And so I want to start to look at, especially when we're grieving friendships or we're starting to look at. I want you to look at what was the identity that I built around this friendship? What roles did I play? Was I the caretaker? Was I the emotional supporter? Was I the fixer? Was I the comic relief? Like, what part did I play? And then what are you grieving?

• 31:00Sabrina Zohar?

  Are you actually grieving them? Are you grieving the role that you played? That's a really great way to start to let go of somebody. And then you can even write a closure letter. I have so many of like, hey, I've actually not been able to stand you for the last 10 years that we've been friends. I don't even know why I'm here. I don't care. Or I miss you and I love you. I think about some of my friendships from like the biggies, the girl that you'll read about in the book. Every day I miss that relationship and friendship, but more so what I miss wasn't actually about her. Yeah, to a certain extent, but you know what it was? That I felt really seen. She was the one person that I felt I could just truly be myself around. I didn't have to monitor what I was saying. I didn't have to mask it. I could be my authentic self.

• 31:41Sabrina Zohar?

  And that's what I miss. I don't miss the way that she was flippant. I don't miss the way that she would just discard people. I don't miss the way that she was just, she was probably pretty narcissistic when you think about it. But I don't miss those aspects, but I miss being chosen. I miss having somebody that felt like home feel like home to me. And I missed having a person I could co-regulate with, that I could call at any time, my emotional stability, all of those things. And that's what I'm grieving because it's not just about missing somebody. It's also a mirror that helped you know who you are. So someone said, here's another question. I didn't even realize we were drifting until she blocked me. Am I crazy for feeling so hurt when we never even fought? No, you're a fucking human. Confusion can also be a trauma response because the most brutal kind of rejection oftentimes is silence.

• 32:24Sabrina Zohar?

  Ghosting, right? And we have a part of our brain called the anterior cingulate cortex. That processes things like a physical pain, which is why endings friendships can feel so heavy. Is because the part of your brain, again, that oxytocin that was kind of connecting us, your brain is registering it as abandonment. You see, again, you notice how a lot of these things over start to cross over the romantic into the personal and friendship? And so I also want you to start to look at. Something that's really important. Someone said, I set a boundary and now I'm being called toxic. What do I do with that? Here's something that probably nobody's told you. When you stop being that person that they needed to be, they're gonna make you look like the bad guy. Cause they don't wanna look at themselves. So when you start to set a boundary, when you call somebody out on their shit, when you stand up for somebody

• 33:08Sabrina Zohar?

  and they say, well, you're being toxic and they try to push against it, you've changed. My response is, thank you. I'm glad. Because the version of who I was is now the version that doesn't work for you anymore. And it's easier for people to knock you down than it is for them to be like, hey, you're right, that wasn't cool, what I did. Don't forget that. And the last thing. I started dating someone and she just stopped reaching out. I didn't choose love over her, but now I feel like I lost both. And so what we wanna look at is we gotta look at the role reversal. There's gonna be a lot of people that get jealousy, that have codependency. You didn't abandon your friend, you just grew. And we need to understand those reframes because the more you shrink to stay in a dynamic, you're not actually evolving, you're not growing, you're not becoming the version of yourself that you genuinely need to be.

• 33:53Sabrina Zohar?

  And I think a way that you could talk to somebody is, hey, I noticed a shift in our dynamic. This friendship means a lot to me and I'd love to be understanding and compassionate and understand what you're going through because I'm really confused and hurting and I wanna gain clarity with you. And again, if they're not offering you clarity, you don't have to continue being friends with this person. You don't have to self abandon to keep somebody in your life. You don't have to self abandon to be chosen because guess what? You're not fucking choosing yourself. So how the fuck is anybody else gonna choose you? And what does choosing yourself look like? Saying no when you wanna say yes. Validating your emotions and needs. Listening to the podcast. Joining one of the courses, if you will. Guys, we have those resources. If you want them, we got the self-love course, we got the foundation course, we have the break of course, and the nervous system course. Everything is there for you. And I am here to support you in all of those fucking ways. You wanna work with me one-on-one? Great. You don't? That's cool too.

• 34:38Sabrina Zohar?

  Got a therapist? Fuck yeah. You don't? Go find one. But please know that you're not alone. And like, when you wanna make new friends and you wanna really show up as yourself, well then, who is it that you wanna become? Like even now, I'm making friends as an adult, cause it's kinda weird. And I'm making friends as the version that I wanna show up as, not the version that I was. So that means having hard conversations with my friends. That means saying things of like, hey, I don't really appreciate that, or like, that was super hurtful, or- You know, even I'm doing a business thing with one of my friends and we've been very clear of like, hey, you know, even I've said to him to avoid resentment, can I share this? And we had a long talk and he was like, man, this is why I love our friendship. He's like, I know how you get. And he was like, I know you start to act different when you're resenting people. And he's like, I'm just so appreciative that you talk to me about it because that way we don't have to guess. And I then got to create a new sense

• 35:20Sabrina Zohar?

  of safety in myself for friendships. And I get it. If you're in somewhere and you're in a small town, you don't have it, it's like, but I don't need you to become desperate and force yourself to be friends or hold on to people that are just not treating you well. So I want you to start to take stock. How do I feel when I'm with these people? How's my nervous system feel when I'm with them? Same as I do with dating. You see what I mean? It's a lot of crossover. That's why a lot of the tools are going to be very similar, is it's really coming back home to yourself and stopping. I want you to think after you hang out with your friends, do I feel depleted? Do I feel exhausted? Or do I feel really energized? Like, sometimes after a mosh, I'll come home and I'm like, god damn it, I feel great. I love my friends. And I, god, I just got to process and I got to talk. Or like, whenever I'm with my people that I'm with now, that's why I'm with them. That's why I have these friends, is because they make me feel really fucking good. And that's why I hope that they have me in their life, because I help them feel good as well. You've

• 36:05Sabrina Zohar?

  been hurt in the past, and that's okay. But maybe that little inner child needs to know, you don't have to prove this to anybody, including friends. I choose you and I love you because of who you are, not because of who you need to be in order for them to like you. And maybe we just need a few reframes to remind ourselves that if you're struggling in friendships and you're struggling in dating, that's okay, you're a human. There's a commonality and there's a pattern here. We just need to explore it and see, how am I showing up? So, I hope you guys liked the episode. I tried to go off the cusp. I'm trying to cusp, cuff, whatever. I'm trying to be more authentic and real with you guys. I'm trying to show up and not have too many notes and not have too much organized and just be with you guys. And so I hope you liked it. And if you didn't, that's okay. Please speak with kindness. And if you did, please leave a five star review. That's all we ask. Rate and review the show. Share it with a friend. Join one of the courses. Guys, if you're listening this far, you're

• 36:50Sabrina Zohar?

  fucking in it with me. And all I ask, again, you can subscribe, you can do the paid shit, but all I ask is as a free resource, please give me the love back. Please show me, as well as my adverts and everybody, that you want this show here. Because without you guys, I'm nothing. Without you guys being here and supporting and liking and rating and reviewing and subscribing and doing all, asking the questions, engaging in the comments, sharing with your friends. Without that, I am not anything. So I thank you for being here and supporting me. And that's just all I ask. You need the resources, sabrina zohar.com. It's all there. And if not, I'll see you guys next week. So babies, thank you for sitting with me. And next week, we're going to talk about the friends with benefits and the minutia of being the, you know, after a breakup and things like that with friends. But for this week, I wanted to talk about the platonic.

• 37:33Sabrina Zohar?

  And I wanted to share how I've struggled, how I've really been hurt in relationships and friendships. But now I do the same fucking work that I've had to do before. How can I show up for me in ways that nobody else was able to? That I have in my fucking control. Until next time, my babies.

• 37:52Speaker 00

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