Why We Feel So Disconnected (And How to Find Our Way Back) | John R. Miles - EP 780

In this episode of Passion Struck, John R. Miles explores one of the defining challenges of modern life: why so many people feel disconnected despite living in the most interconnected era in human history. Drawing on insights from Greg McKeown and Marcus Buckingham, the historical lessons of Acts 10, behavioral science, and themes from his forthcoming book The Mattering Effect, John reveals how millions of people are living in a state of what he calls The Great Disconnection—surrounded by digital networks, professional titles, and constant communication, yet increasingly cut off from belonging, significance, and genuine human connection. From middle school cafeterias to corporate boardrooms, many of us spend years trying to earn belonging through performance, achievement, and success. We convince ourselves that if we accomplish enough, we'll finally feel secure, valued, and accepted. Instead, many high achievers find themselves trapped in what John calls the Admission Ticket Problem—using success to purchase significance, only to discover that visibility is not the same as being known. Through powerful stories, historical insights, and practical reflection, John explores why performance can never satisfy our deepest need for belonging, how old stories about acceptance continue shaping our adult lives, and why feeling truly seen remains one of the most transformative experiences a human being can have. In this episode, you'll learn:• Why the modern world makes it easier than ever to be noticed but harder than ever to be genuinely known.• How the search for belonging shapes far more of our lives than we realize.• Why many adults are still navigating the same social dynamics they first experienced in middle school.• The hidden cost of turning achievement into an admission ticket for acceptance.• Why success can increase visibility without increasing significance.• How old stories about belonging continue influencing adult relationships and decisions.• What Acts 10 teaches us about expanding the circle of who belongs. If you've ever felt lonely despite your accomplishments, invisible inside the rooms you fought so hard to enter, or disconnected despite being constantly connected, this episode offers a powerful framework for understanding why feeling seen changes everything—and a roadmap for finding your way back to what matters most. Passion Struck is the award-winning podcast hosted by John R. Miles, helping millions of people live intentionally, unlock human potential, and create lives filled with meaning, purpose, and mattering. Limited Time OffersFODZYME: Get 30% off your first order at ICanEatAgain.com/PASSIONSTRUCKShopify: Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial at SHOPIFY. COM/PASSIONSTRUCKResources:Get the Companion WorkbookFull Show NotesConnect with John Pre-Order The Mattering Effect: https://matteringeffect.com/Book John to Speak: https://johnrmiles.com/speaking/Keynotes, books, podcast, and resources: https://linktr.ee/John_R_MilesChildren’s Book — You Matter, Luma: https://youmatterluma.com/Substack:

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00John R. Miles?

  Coming up next on Passion Struck. Several years ago, I began noticing something strange. The moments people remembered most vividly from their lives were rarely the moments we were taught to pursue. People remembered a teacher who believed in them before they believed in themselves, a mentor who saw potential they couldn't yet see, a friend who noticed they were struggling without being told, a parent who made them feel safe enough to tell the truth. These moments often seemed insignificant from the outside. They didn't change someone's job title, income, social status, or achievements, yet decades later, people could still recall them with remarkable clarity. What made these moments so powerful wasn't what happened.

• 0:44John R. Miles?

  It was how these moments changed the way a person saw themselves. Someone had paid attention. Someone had noticed. Someone had made them feel that their existence carried weight. And once you began looking for this pattern, you start seeing it everywhere. Beneath our desire for success, belonging, recognition, and connection lies a deeper longing that many of us struggle to name. We want to know that we matter. Today, we're exploring why one of the strongest signals of mattering is the experience of feeling truly seen. Welcome to Passion Struck. I'm your host, John Miles. This is the show where we explore the art of human flourishing and what it truly means to live like it matters.

• 1:28John R. Miles?

  Each week, I sit down with changemakers, creators, scientists, and everyday heroes to decode the human experience and uncover the tools that help us lead with meaning, heal what hurts, and pursue the fullest expression of who we're capable of becoming. Whether you're designing your future, developing as a leader, or seeking deeper alignment in your life, this show is your invitation to grow with purpose and act with intention. Because the secret to a life of deep purpose, connection, and impact is choosing to live like you matter.

• 2:06John R. Miles?

  Hello friends and welcome back to episode 780 of Passion Struck. Over the past month, we've been exploring what I believe is one of the defining challenges of modern life: disconnection. Not simply disconnection from technology or institutions, but disconnection from one another and increasingly from ourselves. In my conversation last week with Eric Ries, we examined how organizations often lose sight of the people they were created to serve. With Dr. John Lapuma, we explored how modern indoor environments pull us away from the conditions that support human health and flourishing. Earlier this week, Greg McKeown challenged us to reconsider what communication actually means, arguing that genuine understanding requires far more than exchanging information.

• 2:51John R. Miles?

  And yesterday, Marcus Buckingham approached the same territory from a different direction, showing through decades of research that people thrive when they're loved. As I reflected on those conversations, I kept returning to a common thread running beneath all of them. Whether we're talking about institutions, workplaces, families, friendships, or communities, people flourish when they experience themselves as meaningful participants in something larger than themselves. They struggle when they feel invisible, interchangeable, or forgotten. The challenge is that modern life provides countless ways to be noticed while offering surprisingly few opportunities to feel genuinely known.

• 3:35John R. Miles?

  We can accumulate followers, connections, messages, meetings, and interactions while still carrying the quiet sense that few people truly understand who we are, what we're carrying, or what matters most to us. That gap has consequences. It shapes how we relate to other people. It influences the risks we're willing to take, the stories we tell ourselves, and the degree to which we feel that we belong. Today's episode explores why the experience of being seen carries such unusual power, why achievement alone rarely satisfies our deeper relationships. ...needs and what recent conversations with Greg McEwen and Marcus Buckingham reveal about one of the most overlooked drivers of human flourishing.

• 4:20John R. Miles?

  Because before people can contribute, connect, create, or lead, they need some reason to believe that their presence matters. And much of that belief is formed in relationship with other people. Before we dive in, if this episode gives you language for your own experiences of connection, belonging, or feeling unseen, please share it with someone who might benefit from hearing it. Taking 60 seconds to leave a rating or review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts makes a tremendous difference to our mission of helping more people live intentional lives. And make sure you subscribe on YouTube so you'll never miss an episode. You can also download the companion workbook and access our free weekly reflections right now at theignitedlife.net.

• 5:03John R. Miles?

  Because beneath nearly every human pursuit lies the same quiet question, do I matter? Today, we're exploring why feeling seen may be one of the most important ways we answer it. Thank you for choosing Passion Struck and choosing me to be your host and guide on your journey to creating an intentional life that matters. Now, let that journey begin.

• 5:31John R. Miles?

  Lately, I've been thinking about a pattern I've noticed in some of the conversations I've had over the years. Many of the people who come on this show have accomplished extraordinary things. They've built companies, written books, led organizations, won awards, and reached goals that once seemed impossible. From the outside, their lives often look exactly the way we're taught success is supposed to look. But every so often, the conversation shifts. We stop talking about what they built and start talking about what it felt like to build it. And that's when something interesting happens. Many of them describe a strange tension they never expected.

• 6:11John R. Miles?

  As their external visibility increased, their sense of being known didn't always increase with it. More people knew their name, more people knew their work, more people knew their accomplishments. Yet, many found themselves searching for the same thing they had wanted all along, a feeling that someone genuinely understood what their experience had been.

• 6:36John R. Miles?

  I've heard versions of this same story from leaders, entrepreneurs, artists, parents, and people whose lives look completely different on paper. The details change, the underlying feeling doesn't. People want to know that someone sees more than the role they perform, more than the title on the business card, more than the outcome everyone else celebrates. They want to feel known in a way that reaches beyond what they produce. That thought stayed with me after my conversations with Greg McEwen and Marcus Buckingham this week. Greg spent a great deal of time talking about understanding. Marcus spoke about significance. They approached the same subject from different directions, but I kept finding myself drawn to the same realization.

• 7:21John R. Miles?

  Human beings seem remarkably capable of enduring difficulty when they feel understood, and they seem remarkably vulnerable when they don't, which may help explain why so many people can move through a day filled with meetings, conversations, messages, and interactions while still feeling that something important is missing. The missing piece is rarely contact. More often, it's the feeling that another person has taken the time to understand something real about who we are. As I was thinking about all of this, I found myself going back to middle school of all places. Now, I don't know what middle school was like for you, but for a lot of us, that's

• 8:03John R. Miles?

  where we first become aware of something that will follow us for the rest of our lives: the circle. Before that age, most kids move through the world with a surprising amount of openness. They make friends quickly. They sit next to whoever happens to be there. They don't spend much time wondering where they fit or whether they belong. Then, something begins to shift. We become more aware of ourselves, more aware of how other people see us, more aware of where we stand in the social landscape around us. Some kids seem to find their place naturally. Others spend years trying to figure out where they belong. By the time we reach high school, the circles become easier to recognize. Every school has its own version Of them, mine sure did.

• 8:47John R. Miles?

  The athletes, the musicians, the theater kids, the honor students, the popular crowd, the students who seem to move between groups, the students who never quite feel at home in any of them. Most of us assume that those dynamics are temporary. We tell ourselves that once we leave high school behind, life will become simpler. Then we arrive at college. The labels change, but the search continues. Fraternities, sororities, clubs, organizations, athletic teams, social groups, professional networks. New environments emerge, but many of us are still trying to answer the same question. Where do I belong? Then we enter the workforce and discover that adulthood has its own version of the

• 9:32John R. Miles?

  cafeteria. Every organization develops circles of influence. Every workplace develops its own culture. Most people have experienced the feeling of walking right into a room and immediately sensing who is connected, who is trusted, whose opinions carry weight, and who is still trying to find their footing. The more I reflected on this pattern, the more I've come to appreciate how much of life is spent moving from one circle to another. We're searching for connection. We're searching for community. We're searching for places where we can bring more of ourselves into the room. And there's nothing wrong with that. Belonging is one of the deepest needs we have as human beings.

• 10:12John R. Miles?

  What becomes interesting is what happens when the circles become more important than the people inside them. As I was reflecting on that idea, I found myself thinking about a story that took place nearly 2,000 years ago. At the time, society was organized around boundaries that most people rarely questioned: ethnic boundaries, religious boundaries, cultural boundaries. People knew who belonged to their group and who didn't. Entire communities were built around those distinctions. One of the most significant examples appears in the story of Peter in Acts 10. Whether you're religious or not isn't really the point here. What fascinates me is the human dynamic at the center of the story. Peter

• 10:55John R. Miles?

  Has inherited a worldview that divided people into categories. Some people belonged inside the circle and others remained outside it. Those distinctions had existed for generations. They shaped how people lived, who they interacted with, and how they understood the world around them. Then Peter encounters people he spent his whole life viewing through those categories and something changes. For perhaps the first time, he began seeing individuals before he sees the labels attached to them. He began seeing human beings where he once saw divisions. And that shift ended up changing far more than one relationship. It expands the circle itself.

• 11:38John R. Miles?

  The reason that story continues to resonate with me is because the same challenge still exists today. The categories are different. The instinct is remarkably familiar. Political identities, professional identities, generational identities, social identities, cultural identities. Every day we encounter people through labels that can either help us understand them or prevent us from ever really seeing them. When I think about the people who have had the greatest impact in my life, none of them made me feel significant because they placed me into a category. They made me feel significant because they took the time to see beyond one. And perhaps that is where genuine connection begins.

• 12:22John R. Miles?

  Not with finding the perfect circle, but with seeing the human being standing right in front of us. As I've reflected on these circles we've spent our lives moving through, I've often found myself returning to a simple question. What happens when we're not entirely sure we belong? Because if you've ever felt like the outsider in the room, you know that feeling doesn't stay contained to the room itself. It follows you. It follows you into your decisions. It follows you into the goals you pursue. It follows you into the stories you tell yourself about what success will finally make possible. For many people, that uncertainty becomes fuel. They study harder. They work harder. They become more disciplined, more ambitious. More accomplished.

• 13:07John R. Miles?

  From the outside, it can look like they're simply pursuing excellence. And sometimes they are. But I think something deeper is often happening beneath the surface. Many of us are searching for evidence. Evidence that we've earned our place. Evidence that we've proven ourselves. Evidence that we matter. I don't think most people consciously wake up and say, I'm trying to earn significance today. But we do absorb messages from an early age. A student discovers that good grades bring recognition. An athlete discovers that performance attracts attention. An employee discovers that results create opportunities. An entrepreneur discovers that success opens doors.

• 13:50John R. Miles?

  Over time, achievement can begin carrying a weight it was never meant to carry. It becomes something we hope will answer questions about who we are. One of the reasons I've thought so much about this comes from a conversation I had back in December, in episode 704, with psychologist Rick Hanson and neuroscientist Joshua Green. The conversation wasn't primarily about loneliness or even belonging. It was about cooperation, human nature, and how societies learn to expand beyond the limits of tribal thinking. Joshua explained that throughout history, human beings have been remarkably good at working together within groups. The challenge has always been extending that cooperation beyond the boundaries of the groups we already identify with.

• 14:34John R. Miles?

  Rick approached the question from a different angle. He talked about how our ancestors survived in small communities built around caring, sharing, and mutual dependence. People understood where they fit. They knew who depended on them. They knew who they could depend on in return. That idea stayed with me. Because for most of human history, significance wasn't something people chased individually. It emerged through participation, through contribution, through relationship, through belonging. People didn't need a personal brand to know that they mattered. They experienced mattering because they were connected to a community that reflected it back to them. Today, many of us live in a very different environment.

• 15:19John R. Miles?

  We're constantly measuring performance, productivity, growth, results, progress. And none of those things are inherently bad. Most of them are important. The challenge is that performance can answer a very different question than the one many of us are actually asking. Performance answers the question, "How am I doing?" Significance answers the question, "Do I matter here?" That's one of the reasons my conversation with Marcus Buckingham resonated so deeply. After decades studying what helps people flourish, Marcus continues to arrive at the same conclusion. People thrive when they feel trusted, when they feel valued, when they feel significant,

• 16:03John R. Miles?

  when they feel connected to meaningful contribution, when they feel that who they are matters, not simply what they accomplish. And I think most of us have experienced the difference. You've probably achieved something that once felt incredibly important. I know I have. A promotion, a degree, a major milestone, a personal goal. The accomplishment mattered. The pride was real. But eventually, life moved forward. What remained were the people, the people who believed in you before the achievement existed, the people who celebrated the journey, not just the outcome, the people who reminded you that your worth was never confined to your performance. Achievement can open doors. It can create opportunities.

• 16:48John R. Miles?

  It can change the trajectory of a life. But significance grows somewhere else. It grows in environments where people feel known, where they feel trusted, where they feel valued, where they feel that they belong. And once we understand that distinction, we begin to see why so many successful people continue searching for something achievement alone was never designed to provide.

• 17:12John R. Miles?

  The more I reflected on all of this, the more I've come to believe that mattering isn't just something we experience, it's something we carry. And that's where things become complicated, because none of us arrive in adulthood with a blank slate. We bring old experiences into new relationships, old fears into new opportunities, old conclusions into entirely different circumstances. Maybe you've experienced this yourself. You're sitting in a meeting, and someone challenges an idea that you've shared. The reaction feels larger than the moment. Or you walk into a room full of people and immediately begin assessing where you fit. Who seems comfortable? Who seems connected? Who seems to belong?

• 17:55John R. Miles?

  The room is new, the feeling isn't. As I think back on those circles we talked about earlier, the middle school lunch tables, the high school cliques, the college organizations, the workplace hierarchies. What strikes me is how often those experiences continue traveling with us, long after the original moment has passed. The student who has spent years feeling overlooked may spend adulthood searching for recognition. The athlete who received praise for performance may find it difficult to separate achievement from identity. The employee who felt excluded from important conversations may carry that experience into leadership roles years later. Life moves forward. The stories often come with us.

• 18:39John R. Miles?

  I've seen this pattern in guests I've interviewed, in leaders I've worked with, and honestly, in myself. A single experience can shape the way we interpret dozens of experiences that follow. An early success can become a standard we feel compelled to maintain. A painful rejection can become a lens through which we view entirely new relationships. A season of uncertainty can quietly influence decisions long after stability has returned. The stories become familiar. Family stories simply become part of how we see the world. As I was reflecting on Acts 10, this is the part of the story that kept drawing my attention. Peter doesn't simply encounter new people. He encounters a new way Of seeing.

• 19:22John R. Miles?

  What changes in that moment is his understanding. The assumptions he inherited no longer fit the reality standing in front of him. And once that happens, the circle expands. His world becomes larger because his perspective becomes larger. I find myself wondering how often that same dynamic shows up in our own lives. How many assumptions are we carrying that we formed years ago? How many conclusions about ourselves have remained untouched? Simply because we've repeated them for so long. How many opportunities for connection pass by? Because we're responding to a story rather than a person.

• 20:01John R. Miles?

  The longer I study human behavior, the more convinced I become that connection requires curiosity. Curiosity about other people. Curiosity about ourselves. Curiosity about the stories we've accepted without ever examining. Every meaningful relationship asks something of us. It asks us to pay attention. It asks us to stay present. It asks us to look again. Because every once in a while, we discover that a story we've carried for years no longer reflects the reality standing in front of us. And those moments can change everything. Someone sees us more clearly than we see ourselves.

• 20:45John R. Miles?

  Someone recognizes value we've overlooked. Someone reminds us that our worth extends beyond our accomplishments, our roles, and the categories we've placed ourselves inside. Those moments stay with us. They reshape how we understand ourselves. They reshape how we understand other people. And they create the possibility that the circle can become larger than we once imagined. As I've sat with all of these conversations over the past few weeks, I've noticed a deeper pattern that I didn't fully appreciate when we first started this series. At first glance, the topics seemed completely different. One conversation focused on institutions and trust. Another explored how our environment shapes our health. Another examined communication and understanding.

• 21:31John R. Miles?

  Another looked at leadership, significance, love, and human flourishing. Yet the more time I've spent reflecting on them, the more I've come to believe they're all pointing towards the same truth. Human flourishing has always been connected to our willingness to expand the circle. Every meaning, relationship I have ever had involves someone who chose to expand the circle with me. I think about the teachers who created room for possibility, the mentors who offered belief before I had developed confidence in myself, the friends who listened long enough to understand what I was actually experiencing, the leaders who recognized value that wasn't immediately visible to the world around me. None of those people changed my life because they had all the answers.

• 22:16John R. Miles?

  They changed my life because they created space. Space to belong, space to grow, space to be more fully myself. The more I study history, the more I notice the same pattern appearing again and again. Progress happens when people expand their understanding of who deserves dignity, who deserves compassion, who deserves opportunity, who deserves to matter. Perhaps that's why feeling seen changes everything. Because feeling seen is one of the few human experiences that transforms both people involved. The person who is seen experiences significance. The person who does the seeing expands their humanity.

• 23:01John R. Miles?

  And every time that exchange happens, the circle becomes a little bit larger. As I was preparing this episode, I realized I wasn't just thinking about institutions, communication, belonging, or achievement. I was thinking about the people who expanded the circle for me. And that left me sitting with a few questions. The first is this: What circle are you still trying to earn your way into? For some people, it's a workplace. For others, it's a family dynamic, a social group, a level of success, or a version of themselves they've been chasing for years. As you think about that circle, remember what we've explored today. Achievement can tell us how we're doing. It cannot tell us whether we matter.

• 23:44John R. Miles?

  The second question is one I've been wrestling with myself. What story about belonging are you carrying that may no longer fit your life? Many of us are still operating from assumptions we formed years ago. Stories that tell us we need to prove ourselves, earn our worth, hide parts of who we are, or become someone else before we're deserving of connection. The question isn't whether those stories once served a purpose. The question is whether they're serving you now. And the third question brings me back to gratitude. Who expanded the circle for you when you needed it most? Think about the teacher, mentor, parent, coach, friend, or leader, who saw something in you before you could see it in yourself.

• 24:25John R. Miles?

  The people who reminded you that your value extended beyond your performance. The people who gave you evidence that you mattered. And finally, I want to leave you with one last reflection. Whose circle could become larger because of your presence? As you move through this week, remember that every person you encounter is navigating circles of their own. Places where they feel they belong, places where they don't. Stories they carry about who they are and whether they matter. Perhaps the future of connection won't be built by people searching for belonging. Perhaps it will be built by people creating it. Next week, we'll continue this journey with licensed therapist and bestselling author Katie Morton. Together, we'll explore why so many of us repeat emotional patterns

• 25:10John R. Miles?

  that once protected us, but now stand in the way of the connection we're seeking.

• 25:15Speaker 01

  I think in general, as humans, it's a very... I know people will always say, there's a lot of people online that'd be like, "I don't like to be around other people. I prefer to be alone." Or we want to be like the different person, the loner, the weirdo. And where people are trying to take ownership over that. But to this research's point, there's such a huge part of our...

• 25:39Speaker 01

  Creation as humans that are about us being connected and mattering to other humans.

• 25:47John R. Miles?

  Until then, pay attention to the circles you're navigating, the stories you're carrying, and the people whose lives may change because you chose to truly see them. I'm John Miles, and this is Passion Struck.