Mom's Car: Ryan Hansen

On this week’s episode of Mom’s Car we welcome all-around buddy Ryan Hansen. Ryan, Dax, and Best Friend Aaron Weakley talk through feeling famous from a young age at church, the legend of tough and redheaded Billy, doing bad boy things as a teen as an escape from a rough family life, adventures in attempting to be cool kids in high school, a sex dream about a rock, and Dax’s failed intimate encounter with a pint glass of jello. #sponsored by @Allstate. Go to https://bit.ly/momscar to check Allstate first and see how much you could save on car insurance. Follow Mom's Car on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Mom's Car ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting https://wondery.com/plus now. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Welcome to Mom's Car. Today, we have an old friend on, friend of the pod, Ryan Hansen, the ever charming, cute, talented, back-flipping Ryan Hansen, Veronica Mars. Party down. You name it. This guy is as charming as it gets. We love Ryan, and we had a blast. Please enjoy. The cutest of the cute, Ryan Hansen. You know what's smart? Checking Allstate First for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart? Not checking the coffee lids secure before you take that first sip. My morning coffee ended up all over me, and let me tell you, that smell does not come out easily. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate First for a quote that could save you hundreds.

• 0:44Dax Shepard?

  You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North America Insurance Co. and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 1:11Dax Shepard?

  I think you would be the perfect person. I think we should talk about what a euphoric drug popularity is.

• 1:17Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, sure. I like that.

• 1:18Dax Shepard?

  And I was thinking, you're so popular. When did you start to recognize you were popular? Like, what grade and what was going on?

• 1:26Speaker 01

  Uh huh. Okay, well, I wasn't like-

• 1:28Dax Shepard?

  Are you nervous to talk about it?

• 1:29Speaker 01

  I'm just so self-deprecating. I'm like, am I was unpopular? I'm so humble.

• 1:34Dax Shepard?

  It almost hurts how humble you are.

• 1:36Speaker 01

  To be honest, and I'm gonna be honest, I always felt pretty famous.

• 1:41Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:42Speaker 01

  My dad was a music pastor at all these churches, and like, we were just known. Everybody knew the pastor's kids. We could do whatever we wanted. That was at church, at least. And so, my brother and I ran the Sunday School mafia. We just were the worst.

• 1:54Dax Shepard?

  Did you abuse your powers at all?

• 1:55Speaker 01

  Oh, for sure. We got away with murder.

• 1:57Dax Shepard?

  What falls under the umbrella of murder at that age?

• 1:59Speaker 01

  Going through the lost and found and pretty much shaking everything.

• 2:02Dax Shepard?

  Okay, using it as-

• 2:03Speaker 01

  I got all my new baseball gloves through there. Although, I think my dad was in on that one.

• 2:09Speaker 01

  We'd be there all day because there's like a morning service and then the later service, we were only in one, but then we just would run around backstage, we'd go in the baptism and like take some dips. Wow. Yeah, get in the baptism. And then run around just wet.

• 2:23Dax Shepard?

  Did you have any, I don't know what the right word is, but like my father was so loved in AA, he was like the most popular guy in Michigan AA. You know, go trillion friends, they all loved him.

• 2:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:35Dax Shepard?

  And there was some bit of me that was like resentful against him and somehow he didn't love how terrible he was.

• 2:42Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 2:43Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that's funny. And if your dad is like being loved because he's a man of the cloth and he's a musician and a pastor, or you ever judgmental like, you're not that good?

• 2:54Speaker 01

  I didn't look at it that way. I always liked him on stage and he's kind of a rock star at church, like, and he wasn't like the speaking pastor where it was never like.

• 3:02Dax Shepard?

  Acting holier than thou.

• 3:04Speaker 01

  Exactly, exactly. He was just kind of like the music and the orchestras and the big choirs and the plays and I always got to be in them and my mom did the children's choir. I really enjoyed life at church. And you know, school was different and like no one gave a shit.

• 3:16Dax Shepard?

  I don't know if I just am accidentally running into these people or it's true. I feel like San Diego is pretty darn Christian. Everyone I meet from San Diego is pretty into church for California. At school, do you feel like most kids were going to church or no?

• 3:32Speaker 01

  Well, more than here, that's for sure.

• 3:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 3:34Speaker 01

  Like no one.

• 3:35Dax Shepard?

  They're godless.

• 3:36Speaker 01

  I mean, none of my.

• 3:38Dax Shepard?

  Devil's playground. Yeah, devil's workshop.

• 3:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:43Dax Shepard?

  Idle unemployed hands.

• 3:45Speaker 01

  What was the joke? Was it the Emmys with the Golden Globes, like God shout out zero, you know, moms five, Mario Lopez one.

• 3:52Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, Mickey Glazer.

• 3:54Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that was so good. And then I went to three different junior highs.

• 3:57Dax Shepard?

  Why?

• 3:58Speaker 01

  Left San Jose, beginning of sixth grade.

• 4:00Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 4:01Speaker 01

  Started a new junior high in San Diego and then a new one opened up for eighth grade. So like half the school went and then half was all these other kids.

• 4:09Dax Shepard?

  And did you land on your feet at all these places?

• 4:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think my brother had a harder time. He moved in eighth grade, so that was harder for him. For me, I was still sixth grade, so it was. Had some church friends that were going to these schools. So that kind of helped with friendship and all that stuff. And then I met my crew of dudes in eighth grade. Jeremy Dent, big shout out.

• 4:28Dax Shepard?

  Big.

• 4:29Speaker 01

  Huge. In eighth grade, he introduced me to cigars and shooting BB guns to playboys. And go karts. And I was like, this guy is just the coolest. And him and Matt Rukus were like best friends and opened my eyes to all that stuff.

• 4:43Dax Shepard?

  He sounds radical.

• 4:44Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 4:44Dax Shepard?

  Was he the most popular kid in your junior high?

• 4:46Speaker 01

  Jeremy?

• 4:47Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 4:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, probably. The funniest, didn't give a shit, always wore weird stuff.

• 4:51Dax Shepard?

  Divorced parents?

• 4:52Speaker 01

  No.

• 4:53Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 4:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:54Dax Shepard?

  Good family.

• 4:54Speaker 02

  Happily married.

• 4:55Speaker 01

  Suzie and Steve. And Rukus was the guy that's like, Rukus is jumping Bearcat today. Everyone, let's go. He's jumping his BMX bike doing flips and stuff. He was like that guy.

• 5:05Dax Shepard?

  So I was not cool in elementary school. I was too big, couldn't read, was a bully. And then similarly, I got enveloped into this Andrew and Trevor group of kids who played soccer. They had pretty good families. Trevor was the most popular kid in my school. We became friends. That was really helpful. I leave elementary school. I hadn't tasted being cool yet. And junior high is my first mega dose.

• 5:32Speaker 01

  Well, I remember you guys saying like junior high is kind of eh, right? Was it eighth grade or seventh grade?

• 5:36Dax Shepard?

  Seventh.

• 5:37Speaker 01

  Seventh grade.

• 5:38Dax Shepard?

  By eighth grade, we're now starting to move in separate directions. It was a long year.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  What, what do you mean? You guys did?

• 5:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 5:47Speaker 01

  What was that? You just hung out with a different crew or what?

• 5:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, I started appealing away.

• 5:51Dax Shepard?

  He started huffing gas.

• 5:52Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 5:53Dax Shepard?

  He's like huffing gas a lot of the day. We hung out with the burnouts in our school, but he's now hanging out with the dudes that are like seventeen and hang around the junior high kids.

• 6:03Speaker 01

  Oh, sure.

• 6:04Dax Shepard?

  There's a lot of them in the jail. Or we would go out and there were all these levels I was comfortable with. Like I would throw apples at cars. I was fine with that. But if we went and we smashed someone's mailbox, I hated it. I was like, I was picturing my mom fixing our mailbox. It was like, I had all these ethical dilemmas where the bad boys really started getting bad. Or like stealing shit I didn't want to fucking go to juvie. These guys are gonna end up in juvie. Is that a fair assessment?

• 6:28Speaker 02

  You almost looked forward to it, or I did, but I don't know how much of that was.

• 6:32Speaker 01

  To the danger, you look forward to the thrill of that, or what?

• 6:35Dax Shepard?

  It's like a badge of honor, right?

• 6:37Speaker 02

  Sure, like I'd smash people's picture windows, of course, not knowing what they said. It's still I'm older, but I'm stealing cars, stealing anything.

• 6:47Dax Shepard?

  They stole, you didn't, but Billy did. There was one.

• 6:53Dax Shepard?

  So there's one kid at the epicenter of this. You've heard us talk about our redhead thing. Aren't I obsessed with how tough redheads are, how scared we are of them? A lot of this is based on this one kid, Billy, we'll leave his last name out of it. God, we last enemy we would want on earth.

• 7:08Speaker 02

  Oh, God, still, till this, yeah.

• 7:09Dax Shepard?

  I'm sure he's still tough.

• 7:10Speaker 01

  Is he a redhead fella?

• 7:11Speaker 02

  I'd be a sitting duck in Michigan, probably.

• 7:14Speaker 01

  Billy comes knocking.

• 7:15Dax Shepard?

  Yes, he was a redheaded fella and he was also known to cry while he fought, but he always won. And he at one point fought another redhead kid at my old junior high and it was the scariest fight I ever saw. They were both bawling and both bloody and neither would quit.

• 7:29Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 7:30Dax Shepard?

  I remember thinking, man, I don't want to fight either of these guys ever. But he and Billy became real close and Billy had already stole a very valuable coin collection and drove a van and got caught in another state. They stole four wheelers, but at one point he stole a horse.

• 7:45Speaker 02

  Some sort of like million dollar race.

• 7:47Dax Shepard?

  Oh, horse? I'm sure he was told, rest assured, there's no million dollar races in Michigan. But everyone thinks everyone's so rich.

• 7:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:57Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 7:58Dax Shepard?

  Picture like a 14 year old boy riding a horse away.

• 8:01Speaker 02

  And he rode it like down to Florida.

• 8:04Speaker 01

  That sounds fucking awesome. Oh, my God.

• 8:06Dax Shepard?

  He's like, you gotta keep the horse now. How do you fence a horse? Who are you gonna find that's gonna buy the horse?

• 8:12Speaker 01

  He's pretty tough to hide your.

• 8:13Speaker 02

  How do you ride water?

• 8:15Dax Shepard?

  How do you ride the horse?

• 8:16Speaker 01

  Bareback? Clean it, clean up the shit. Oh, God.

• 8:20Dax Shepard?

  I don't imagine he just put it in a field or something and hope no one saw it.

• 8:24Speaker 01

  I went through a little bit of a stealing phase, nothing like horses or ATVs, whatever. But I got my CD book stolen out of my car, you know, the mixed CDs. You've worked so hard for your collection and I was so fucking pissed. So we would just walk around Cottonwood. Neighborhood and just like check, we would never break anything, but it was open. It's gone. We go into garages, take some shit.

• 8:44Dax Shepard?

  Funny you'd say that. That's where it started is car hopping.

• 8:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:48Dax Shepard?

  You guys would call it car hopping.

• 8:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:50Dax Shepard?

  They would meet before school to car hop. My thing was like, we'd hang out at the movie theater and I'd go in and steal a carton of cigarettes. Like I'd steal from the store.

• 8:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:57Dax Shepard?

  It's just weird. You have levels you're finding.

• 9:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, you don't care if you're stealing from the man.

• 9:02Speaker 01

  Remember that company SMP? So the guys who like started that or co-founded or whatever would have a sale up front of their house every year. And they set up shop that night before and I drove by at my home. I'm like, boys, it's all out there.

• 9:14Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 9:14Speaker 01

  We took my buddy Jeremy's VW bus and my mom's Explorer. Fucking went and I loaded that, loaded it up. We did a couple of trips.

• 9:22Dax Shepard?

  Oh gee.

• 9:23Speaker 01

  The next morning, my dad's like trying on clothes like, this is great. What'd you do? Our friends, whatever. And then my buddies went back the next day because they didn't get the box of board shorts they wanted.

• 9:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 9:33Speaker 01

  And they saw them and they caught them. So the cops came and they scared us and they didn't press charges.

• 9:38Dax Shepard?

  Did you feel guilty too?

• 9:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, because they're like, this is our family's business. This is how I feel. And then all the kids are there and stuff. It's just like, sorry. And they had like the coolest surf shop in San Diego or in East County.

• 9:50Dax Shepard?

  I feel bad. Yeah, that stuff.

• 9:52Speaker 02

  I did feel guilty too. And I wish I would have not went that route. I think I was too upset with my home life that I couldn't emotionally figure out how to keep having fun like we were having without everything piling up. That's the reason I started huffing gas and trying to escape. Because I thought people doing that didn't feel guilt at all. And I was kind of jealous of that.

• 10:18Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 10:18Speaker 02

  Oh, that is a big.

• 10:20Speaker 01

  One on the hook, real.

• 10:22Dax Shepard?

  That's gonna be the last one too. Do you relate to this, Aaron? I did bad things, but part of it was, I've now realized that I'm older. I'm like, how do I justify the stuff I did? And I think I felt because life was already unjust. It wasn't fair. So I was entitled to make it fair. And I would imagine from you in particular, you didn't have anything. And there's also this sense of like, this is bullshit. All these other people have all this.

• 10:47Speaker 01

  Stuff and I don't, why wouldn't I have it and this other kid I go to school have it? There's some sense of injustice that I use to justify when I was greedy and did bad things.

• 10:57Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 10:57Speaker 01

  But then it doesn't really work.

• 10:59Speaker 02

  Right at the lights.

• 11:00Speaker 01

  Oh, there it is.

• 11:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, then you find out karma's a real thing.

• 11:04Speaker 01

  Also, my dad, he gave me very few life tips, but one was, what goes around comes around. He's like, if you steal, shit'll get stolen from you. And I remember that being an actual motivator for me to not.

• 11:14Speaker 02

  I remember you asked me in junior high if I would feel bad if I killed a deer. Cause like everyone hunted and like killed deer. And I remember saying to you, no, I could do that. I could kill a deer. And I remember thinking in my head, you're the biggest liar in the world. I would never kill a fucking deer.

• 11:36Speaker 02

  Poor fucking baby deer.

• 11:39Speaker 01

  Sitting there having a fun day.

• 11:41Speaker 02

  That was me trying to like make myself tougher than I was.

• 11:46Speaker 02

  So we're going for some ramen now. There's a double.

• 11:49Speaker 01

  Oh, we got a double?

• 11:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:51Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 11:53Speaker 02

  Sorry, I was just thinking in the two seconds I was gone. So it went from your popularity at the church, didn't translate at first in school, but then it did.

• 12:04Speaker 01

  I was saying high school it did. In sixth grade, new to that school in San Diego, I got with this group of dudes who were the cool guys. And I'll never forget, the weird kid, Evan Parent, we love you Evan, you were a little weird. And we, we love Evan.

• 12:19Speaker 02

  The bear fucker?

• 12:20Speaker 01

  I made up for it in high school, but we kinda chased him and throwing punches. And he wasn't even fighting back, but I was just like, oh, this is what we're doing. And I still feel guilty about it.

• 12:29Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 12:29Speaker 01

  And he left school that day, like he ran home. And then, once we got to high school, I got to stick up for him a few times, which was great. But he was always so cool and just in sixth grade, he was just a little different. And I was doing that to fit in, cause I was, I was new. I'm like, oh, this is what the cool guys are doing. Okay, we're chasing this guy.

• 12:46Speaker 02

  Sure. You know, it's really hard to get through teenage boy adolescence without doing some real regrettable.

• 12:51Speaker 01

  Oh, it's so regrettable. You know, he's so smart. I'm sure he like runs some company now.

• 12:55Speaker 02

  Hopefully he's a billionaire.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:58Dax Shepard?

  But Aaron, did you have waves of cool in elementary school?

• 13:01Speaker 02

  Yes, I did. Kind of like the church. Our neighborhood was a place where I felt safe. And actually, no, wait, I take that back.

• 13:12Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's not the word I would use.

• 13:13Speaker 02

  It's not the word. Not safe. Actually, it was the opposite of safe. What am I talking about?

• 13:22Dax Shepard?

  Sorry, did I say safe?

• 13:23Speaker 02

  I was very unsafe. What's wrong with me? I was able to be comfortable with just maybe a small group of kids. And we thought we were cool, but then it didn't translate into school. Until fifth grade, when I met Kevin Gwynn. That's why Dax came and looked me up when he got to my school.

• 13:42Dax Shepard?

  You knew Kevin? I was best friends with Kevin in sixth grade. I had moved, started junior high, so knew influx of kids. And then there was another skateboarder who liked to fight, who had a crazy mom. And we got along great.

• 13:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, trailer park kids. I was like best friends with them in fifth grade. Dax didn't go to the school we went to in elementary. He was so cool and made me feel so cool. And I liked to fight kids behind the wall, whatever the fuck was going on at school. Then, funny enough, the following year, I moved to a new school. I'm just fucking terrified and don't know anyone. And I'm like, eh.

• 14:21Speaker 02

  Very out of sorts and like, you know what, I give up. I can't even take it anymore. And that's when Dax found me. I was like, how did this happen?

• 14:28Dax Shepard?

  That is crazy.

• 14:30Speaker 02

  Year to year, it was different.

• 14:31Dax Shepard?

  I took over from where Kevin lived.

• 14:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, and all of a sudden, Dax was like, I'm like, this kid is the coolest person I've ever seen in my life. Even cooler than Kevin Gwynn.

• 14:42Dax Shepard?

  No, no one is cooler than Kevin Gwynn.

• 14:45Speaker 01

  I've done a few road trips and I drive, but you guys, times a thousand. The body starts to hurt, though, when you sit so long like that. Or do you just get used to it?

• 14:53Dax Shepard?

  Mine gets more and more comfortable.

• 14:54Speaker 01

  Just, you gotta just soak it and sink into that.

• 14:57Speaker 02

  The longer you go.

• 14:59Dax Shepard?

  I don't know if there's anything I was more built to do in life than drive for a really long time. It seems to be the only thing I can do, kind of, in a one percentile.

• 15:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 15:09Dax Shepard?

  I can just go and go and go forever.

• 15:11Speaker 01

  That's so funny. I gotta get out and do a backflip every couple hours.

• 15:14Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, famously, Aaron went to sleep in Salt Lake City, Utah, in the middle of a blizzard, and he woke up in Michigan.

• 15:21Speaker 02

  Like thirty hours later.

• 15:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, no.

• 15:23Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, and I was just driving the Mustang in like six inches of snow.

• 15:27Speaker 02

  And I was so tired when I woke up, though.

• 15:31Dax Shepard?

  You were like, oh, good, we're almost home. I crawled into bed.

• 15:35Speaker 01

  Was it assisted sleeping, or was it just straight?

• 15:37Dax Shepard?

  No, old fashioned sleeping.

• 15:39Speaker 01

  Old fashioned sleeping.

• 15:40Dax Shepard?

  That was maybe in the only six months we drank normally, if you could even. I don't think it was ever normal.

• 15:46Speaker 01

  What's normal? Is that after five o'clock?

• 15:48Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, just we were.

• 15:49Speaker 02

  Start off slow.

• 15:50Speaker 01

  Shit face.

• 15:51Dax Shepard?

  No, that's what I'm saying. We started off really going hard, but maybe the frequency wasn't.

• 15:55Speaker 02

  Right.

• 15:56Dax Shepard?

  And it wasn't like, oh, that's required to have any other kind of fun. Step one is get beer. Whenever that happens, you forget that you can have fun without it.

• 16:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 16:07Dax Shepard?

  So isn't that six months before?

• 16:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was gonna say, that happened fast, huh?

• 16:10Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 16:12Speaker 02

  Like, this is so good.

• 16:14Dax Shepard?

  Yes, it's so much more fun.

• 16:16Speaker 01

  When did you guys first get drunk? How old?

• 16:18Speaker 02

  Together?

• 16:19Dax Shepard?

  No, this was another one of our issues by eighth grade.

• 16:22Speaker 01

  Eighth grade?

• 16:22Dax Shepard?

  Is that I didn't.

• 16:24Speaker 01

  Oh, I see.

• 16:24Dax Shepard?

  I wasn't ever gonna drink, because my dad was an alcoholic. That was my plan. And Aaron was drinking and then starting to do drugs.

• 16:33Speaker 01

  That was sort of the separation.

• 16:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, that was towards the end of eighth grade.

• 16:37Speaker 01

  So Aaron was at eighth grade?

• 16:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was eighth grade.

• 16:39Speaker 01

  I guess mine was ninth grade. Las Vegas.

• 16:41Dax Shepard?

  In Vegas?

• 16:42Speaker 01

  In Vegas.

• 16:43Dax Shepard?

  Wait, how did that happen? You must have been with your family?

• 16:44Speaker 01

  I went to Thanksgiving with my buddy Brett Hiltshire's family, which was a big deal. My parents did not want me to go. I'm like, I have to go.

• 16:51Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 16:51Speaker 01

  And then they had a hotel room, and the mom was out. They were gambling, and yeah, liquor in the room.

• 16:56Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 16:56Speaker 01

  We took it out on the strip, and we were drinking in the Bally's Fountains, and we were having a blast.

• 17:01Dax Shepard?

  Those early ones are about as. I almost text you two nights ago. I bet once a month, I just think back of the time we went to opening day and drank those Colt forty-five, sixty-four ounce jugs.

• 17:15Dax Shepard?

  I still remember that as being like one of the greatest buzzes of my whole life.

• 17:19Speaker 02

  Me too. I've told that story so many times, and I don't even know what the story. I mean, yeah, I do know what the story is, but I don't know how much was true at this point.

• 17:27Dax Shepard?

  Sure. That was the day we had fought Dan Severin. Or who we thought was Dan Severin. But that wasn't even the most memorable, just sitting in the parking lot.

• 17:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's hard to explain that. And most people, when I start that story, when I say 64, I'm like, you mean 40s? I'm like, no, 64s.

• 17:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, they were little, they were jugs.

• 17:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, they had tiny little glass handles on them.

• 17:50Dax Shepard?

  No way! But Ryan, so in junior high, does it start kind of then and it rolls through?

• 17:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, so 8th grade, me and a couple dudes hit our growth spurts. I was, we're gonna say 6 feet tall.

• 18:00Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 18:02Speaker 01

  We're gonna go ahead and stick with that.

• 18:03Speaker 02

  Same as me.

• 18:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, so we were kind of big and like you, I would be the one guy on the dance floor at the dances. Like all the other guys just like, and I'd be dancing out there. And so freshman year, I ran for president, because that's what you do. And I got to be president of the freshman class.

• 18:19Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 18:20Speaker 01

  And my buddy Jeremy, his sister and her friends were juniors and they were so cool and beautiful. And so they kind of like got us into like the cool crowd. My freshman year though, I became best friends with my brother-in-law now, Jason. And he was a senior. And he didn't have many friends, but we became best friends.

• 18:40Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, because he was super artsy.

• 18:42Speaker 01

  Musical theater, and he introduced me to all that stuff, which was awesome and changed my life, really. But I kind of left my friends a little bit, because we would hang out so much. I mean, he could drive, we would go places.

• 18:53Dax Shepard?

  You ditched your friends for Jason?

• 18:54Speaker 01

  A little bit, yeah, well, at least they felt that way, and I kind of did.

• 18:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, sure.

• 18:58Speaker 01

  So when he graduated, my friends were like, oh, you're coming back to hang? You know, when we started football again, I'm like, I'm back.

• 19:02Dax Shepard?

  And they made it hard on you for two days, but then?

• 19:05Speaker 01

  Maybe a day, then we were back. I mean, I was silly and outgoing and I was in like the ensemble, which is like dancing choir. But I also played football and I was also in student body, but my grades were terrible. So by my senior year, I got kicked out of everything.

• 19:18Dax Shepard?

  Okay, but and then you were also cheerleading, but you called it something else?

• 19:21Speaker 01

  It was an all-star squad.

• 19:23Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 19:23Speaker 01

  So it's like club cheer. You don't cheer for a football team, you just cheer for yourselves, I guess.

• 19:27Dax Shepard?

  You compete, you throw someone in the air.

• 19:29Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm, but that was just my senior year. So I would do football and cheer.

• 19:33Dax Shepard?

  And you were the captain of both?

• 19:34Speaker 01

  There was four captains on the team, I was one of the captains.

• 19:37Speaker 02

  Okay, so you're the K, it really is. Fucking amazing.

• 19:41Dax Shepard?

  It is. I, in retrospect, like mine, which was not popular in elementary school, is so popular in junior high. I loved it.

• 19:50Speaker 01

  I love being popular.

• 19:53Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, sure.

• 19:54Speaker 01

  God, I loved it. I got away with murder.

• 19:55Dax Shepard?

  Oh, it's just everyone was excited to see you.

• 19:58Speaker 02

  Everyone wanted to see what you're gonna do next.

• 20:02Dax Shepard?

  It was so fun. And I was thinking, cause my daughter went to like a party with other kids her age. I was just remembering that this is when, this is so gross to say, but kind of the legend of Erin and I started.

• 20:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:16Dax Shepard?

  Was going to this girl Brandy's birthday party. This is when it all started. And we were there and we just were always so comfortable with each other. So we were spitting our hot dogs in each other's mouth. And the girls were like, oh my gosh, you guys are so gross. But they loved it. And then maybe we kissed even in front of them. Like love, just all this stuff you weren't supposed to do as a boy.

• 20:40Speaker 01

  Oh, that's the best.

• 20:41Dax Shepard?

  And those parties were really what kind of started the whole thing. I was just picturing my daughter.

• 20:46Speaker 01

  I know, isn't it a trip?

• 20:47Dax Shepard?

  I'm like, she could return a completely different person. Like if she comes unpopular, we're on a totally different trajectory now.

• 20:54Speaker 01

  That is for sure, dude. It's a trip, cause my girls are just a tiny bit older than yours. I told you, I picked them up, my oldest from a high school party the other day. And it's like, just a trip, man. I mean, there was no booze, I don't think.

• 21:06Dax Shepard?

  That we know of.

• 21:06Speaker 01

  That we know of.

• 21:07Dax Shepard?

  All right, what one am I taking, Erin?

• 21:09Speaker 02

  Oh, sorry.

• 21:09Dax Shepard?

  What food item?

• 21:10Speaker 02

  Michelle.

• 21:11Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 21:12Speaker 02

  My bad, yeah. The other one is not Michelle. Not even close. I guess I wanted. I just wanted to see.

• 21:19Dax Shepard?

  I just wanted to get these sushi out of the car.

• 21:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, that stinky fish out of my face.

• 21:23Speaker 01

  I gotta know, did you interact with the person? Or do you just drop it?

• 21:26Dax Shepard?

  No, that was leave at door. Pretty much everyone's leave at door. Okay, cause we're kind of telling on ourselves for our bad deeds. So I wanna go back to my transition from bully to being friends with popular kids. There was an exact moment, which is I would go out to the playground with my friend Clay. And he was the other tough kid in my class. He was a redhead. He and I had a gnarly fight one time when I was staying at his house. My mom was out of town. I missed her and we fought. And he scratched my nose up so bad, I had scabs all over my nose.

• 21:52Speaker 01

  Oh geez.

• 21:53Dax Shepard?

  He scratched. He was wild. He's feral.

• 21:55Speaker 02

  No rules.

• 21:56Dax Shepard?

  No rules, no. But at any rate, we would go out to the playground for. recess and we would just start wrestling kids and we played this game top of the mountain and you had to throw each other down. That's all we did. I was like a mid level bully in that I felt fine about like getting kids in headlocks, throwing them on the ground. And I also felt fine about punching kids in the stomach. Yeah. But I never punched anyone in the face and everyone wanted to wrestle. They probably didn't want to, but they had to.

• 22:24Dax Shepard?

  Stay tuned for more Mom's Car.

• 22:28Dax Shepard?

  We are supported by Allstate. You know what's smart? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart? Not checking the backseat of your car before telling your coworkers to hop in. Nothing like having to explain why there's a half eaten sandwich from last week and what appears to be every napkin I've collected since 2019 back there. And speaking of car related mishaps, not checking the height clearance before pulling into a parking structure? That's definitely not smart. The sound of your roof rack scraping concrete is something that stays with you. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North America Insurance Co. and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 23:14Dax Shepard?

  We are supported by Uber Eats. Hey guys, did you know that you can order from the Home Depot on Uber Eats? Yeah, that Home Depot, really. And here's the kicker, right now you can get $30 off, $70 or more when you order from the Home Depot on Uber Eats. So if you're in the middle of a project and realize you're out of light bulbs, glue, or that one tool you swore you had, don't stop what you're doing. You can get your home improvement essentials delivered in as little as 25 minutes. No waiting on shipping, no last minute store runs, just tap and get back to work. So stock up on DIY essentials, holiday decor, small appliances, or household must haves like cleaning supplies and trash bags, all without leaving your project

• 23:59Dax Shepard?

  behind. Order from the Home Depot on Uber Eats. Ends 12/31. Exclusions may apply. Terms and minimum order apply. See app for details.

• 24:13Dax Shepard?

  All to say, there was this boy when I first moved to Highland, to my neighborhood, and I was brand new there. I didn't know anyone, and he was the first to kind of ride his bike up to my yard and ask if I wanted to come over. So I went to his house and he was very sweet, but he had like a coin collection and he had wallpaper of old cars on his wall. Not cool cars, but old timey cars. He loved old trains and coin collections and he talked about his grandpa all the time.

• 24:38Speaker 01

  He's such a cute.

• 24:40Dax Shepard?

  And he was enormous, too. He was like a big boy like me. Anyways, I had been friendly with him when I first moved there and then I definitely outgrew him really quick, which was sad and I felt guilty about it. But somehow he wanted to get in the mix. I'll never forget, I punched him in the stomach in the parking lot of Spring Mills.

• 24:58Speaker 01

  Parking lot?

• 24:59Dax Shepard?

  For some reason, every once in a while you'd have recess in the parking lot because it was too muddy or some shit. I don't know why we were in the parking lot, but I punched him in the stomach and it knocked the wind out of him.

• 25:09Speaker 01

  Oh, it's a terrible feeling.

• 25:10Dax Shepard?

  And he got really, really scared and he fell down and he was crying. And I felt so fucking bad. And then I told Clay, I don't want to fight at recess anymore. I don't think anyone likes this. I think they're just scared of us. And he was like, yeah, go on your way. I'm gonna stick with this. And God bless him, he stuck with it.

• 25:29Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 25:30Dax Shepard?

  And then I had to go get this other group of friends, which I'm glad I did. But I was driven there by feeling really terrible.

• 25:36Speaker 01

  Well, good for you. I like that story.

• 25:39Speaker 02

  I did too. I loved the ending, yeah.

• 25:41Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. I mean, I can see him so clearly laying on the asphalt. It was right by a manhole cover, crying and scared that he had just been killed.

• 25:50Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 25:51Dax Shepard?

  You know when the first thing you get to win?

• 25:52Speaker 01

  Oh, it's scary. You're never gonna breathe again.

• 25:54Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you're dead.

• 25:55Speaker 01

  You're like drowning.

• 25:56Dax Shepard?

  This boy just killed me at school.

• 25:57Speaker 02

  I bet those coins flash before his eyes. That's grandpa.

• 26:03Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so I was saying though that I do like my trajectory, which is like not popular at all, then super popular in junior high. But then when I moved to a whole new school district to move in with my dad in ninth grade, started high school in a place I didn't know anyone. And I had two really brutal years. I had a terrible haircut. I had acne. I got super skinny and tall. I didn't have the right clothes. I did spend two years just thinking, well, that was my only taste of it.

• 26:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:29Dax Shepard?

  And then when it came back to me around 11th grade.

• 26:33Speaker 01

  Everything kind of caught up.

• 26:34Dax Shepard?

  So grateful to be back.

• 26:36Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 26:37Dax Shepard?

  I thought it wasn't ever gonna happen again. And then slowly it started kind of working again. Never in the same way it did junior high, but definitely by senior year, I was one of the cooler kids in my.

• 26:47Speaker 01

  Did you guys have senior superlatives? Is that what it's called?

• 26:50Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, we did in junior high, too. We called them mock elections and we were super into them then. And I think I did get classed on, but I never got my yearbook. That's how much I didn't like.

• 27:00Speaker 01

  You never got your yearbook? Those are so fun.

• 27:03Dax Shepard?

  I never got a yearbook in high school, only our junior high ones, which we look at.

• 27:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. My girls look through my high school one, they read everything. I'm like, don't read the stuff.

• 27:11Dax Shepard?

  But that's your sweet spot, right? Is high school the apex?

• 27:14Speaker 01

  I think so, yeah.

• 27:15Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, let's just say that the family you married into, the whole gang's in love with you, right? You start by going on a date with your now wife's older sister. You're best friends with the oldest brother.

• 27:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:27Dax Shepard?

  And then you start dating Amy.

• 27:28Speaker 01

  Yeah. I guess I was pretty popular in high school, but also.

• 27:31Dax Shepard?

  The most popular?

• 27:32Speaker 01

  No.

• 27:33Dax Shepard?

  Are you sure?

• 27:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:34Dax Shepard?

  Come on.

• 27:35Speaker 01

  I was a jokester, so I think some people probably thought I was a jerk.

• 27:38Dax Shepard?

  Okay, sure.

• 27:38Speaker 01

  I'm gonna be honest about that, but I think it was just joking.

• 27:41Dax Shepard?

  Sure. Good natured joking around. Can't take a joke?

• 27:47Speaker 01

  But I think for the most part, I was okay.

• 27:50Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, cuz you're a very sweet boy, but sometimes rascally.

• 27:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, a little bit of a rascal. You push the boundaries for sure. And I was in ASB, which is Associated Student Body, just so I could get the off-campus pass, which was everything. So you could write yourself a pass to go get whatever supplies for the dance, but really go get burritos for everyone.

• 28:07Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 28:08Speaker 01

  No, that was the best.

• 28:09Dax Shepard?

  What a blessing. Did you have a car in high school?

• 28:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, Bronco two.

• 28:12Dax Shepard?

  That's a great car for you in high school.

• 28:14Speaker 01

  It was pretty cute. My brother and I shared it for a while and then he got a little truck and then I had the Bronco too. After that, I think my dad's old Honda Accord, which I had for a few years.

• 28:23Dax Shepard?

  And how were you juggling being deeply Christian, but also knowing that you were crazy about all these girls and that that was gonna be challenging? I guess what I'm asking is, were you like riddled with shame a lot of the time? That you felt this way towards girls and stuff?

• 28:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, there was some shame for sure, but also at that time I was just kind of away from it. And then kind of found it again, my own kind of faith, once I got out of high school and really started dating Amy. Well, I dated her in high school.

• 28:46Dax Shepard?

  Once it wasn't mandatory?

• 28:48Speaker 01

  Right. So yeah, I would definitely struggle with that. And there was a lot of shame around sex and masturbation and all that.

• 28:52Dax Shepard?

  How about even being really popular? Is that cool? Or is there any issue there?

• 28:56Speaker 01

  As far as my faith and being popular?

• 28:58Dax Shepard?

  Well, just like, I don't know, it's not very humble, sort of joy, attention and...

• 29:03Speaker 01

  No, that's not...

• 29:03Dax Shepard?

  That's all good.

• 29:04Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 29:04Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great. You didn't have any kind of...

• 29:06Speaker 01

  No, I don't think there's any...

• 29:08Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you can shine as bright as you want.

• 29:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think so.

• 29:10Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I'm with it.

• 29:11Speaker 01

  Bring more folks in.

• 29:11Dax Shepard?

  I have a...

• 29:12Speaker 02

  That works.

• 29:13Speaker 01

  I brought so many kids one time to high school youth group, because the more people you bring, the more tickets you get in the raffle. And I won because I brought so many kids.

• 29:22Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 29:23Speaker 01

  A BMW 2002.

• 29:25Speaker 02

  Wait, what?

• 29:26Speaker 01

  It was junky. My dad didn't know what to do with it. I didn't know how to drive stick. We all learned how to drive stick on it around our neighborhood.

• 29:33Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I want that car.

• 29:34Speaker 01

  It was, my dad sold it for like $200. He just got rid of it. I didn't even know. I was so mad at him.

• 29:39Dax Shepard?

  Wow.

• 29:39Speaker 01

  I know. I think I was 15. We didn't have our license yet, but I won a car.

• 29:42Dax Shepard?

  You won a car?

• 29:43Speaker 01

  But it was like a piece of junk.

• 29:44Dax Shepard?

  How many kids had you brought?

• 29:46Speaker 01

  I probably brought 15 kids.

• 29:47Dax Shepard?

  How many stuck around?

• 29:48Speaker 01

  The church? None of them.

• 29:49Dax Shepard?

  None of them. Not your problem.

• 29:54Speaker 01

  I did my job.

• 29:54Dax Shepard?

  You don't gotta close the deal. You're just bringing them in.

• 29:57Speaker 01

  I'll get a jewel in my crown.

• 29:58Speaker 02

  11th grade, too. I was so happy to run into you again.

• 30:01Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah. Was it Padman? No. Or just I heard you were in Padman?

• 30:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was the Palmer Drug Abuse Program.

• 30:08Dax Shepard?

  Oh, God.

• 30:08Speaker 02

  It was outpatient. It was like an AA for kids.

• 30:13Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, for kids.

• 30:14Speaker 02

  Wow. Yeah.

• 30:15Speaker 01

  Is that nationwide or is that like a local thing?

• 30:16Speaker 02

  No, it was local.

• 30:17Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 30:18Speaker 02

  As far as I know.

• 30:19Dax Shepard?

  I think it was nationwide. They had an expert on that was talking about...

• 30:22Speaker 01

  The hell do I know? I was local.

• 30:25Dax Shepard?

  But I was always, A, my dad made me go to AA meetings while I lived with him. That was the only rule I had. Well, and in fact, I didn't have to go to AA. He wanted me to go to Al-Anon, but when I went to Al-Anon, I didn't really relate to anything they were saying. But when I was around alcoholics, I'm like, oh, I kind of relate to these people. So I just would go to those meetings and I didn't drink and everyone drank. So I found myself at Palmer at one point, I guess in ninth grade. So I had been there before Aaron had, and then Aaron was there for legitimate reasons.

• 30:55Speaker 02

  I had a court order to be there.

• 30:57Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow. And then somehow, I think through that, we started hanging out.

• 31:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, we saw each other, I think, at Country Boy Restaurant and it had been a long, long time.

• 31:06Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 31:06Speaker 02

  Which seems like decades when you're that age. And then it was like slowly off to the races again.

• 31:13Dax Shepard?

  Yes, from 11th grade on.

• 31:15Speaker 01

  Same high school?

• 31:16Speaker 02

  No, no, we had different high schools.

• 31:18Speaker 01

  Were they like rival high schools or was it?

• 31:20Speaker 02

  No.

• 31:21Dax Shepard?

  Well, tell me your high school experience.

• 31:23Speaker 02

  Oh, I.

• 31:25Speaker 02

  Well, I was expelled from high school in 10th grade.

• 31:28Dax Shepard?

  We gotta add too, this is the heartbreaking thing for me on the outside was that Aaron was such an insanely good baseball player. And the only upside of him going to high school is gonna be like, oh, he was finally gonna get to play. In high school, which would then lead to everything else. And then, yeah, I think I heard through the grapevine that Aaron was done with traditional high school in 10th grade.

• 31:50Speaker 02

  I'm gonna take a non-traditional route.

• 31:53Dax Shepard?

  To the majors.

• 31:56Dax Shepard?

  I can include Duck Lake High. So, yeah, how long were you kicked out before you found out about Duck Lake? What was it called?

• 32:03Speaker 02

  Oh, it was called Duck Lake then.

• 32:06Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Duck Lake High.

• 32:08Speaker 02

  I don't know. It was a, an alternative education.

• 32:13Speaker 01

  It was called Chaparral.

• 32:14Dax Shepard?

  Chaparral.

• 32:15Speaker 01

  The gnarly kids went there.

• 32:16Dax Shepard?

  And this one was in a really tiny deserted elementary school.

• 32:20Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 32:20Dax Shepard?

  So like the gym was really small.

• 32:22Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 32:23Dax Shepard?

  Everything was small.

• 32:23Speaker 01

  The seats are tiny.

• 32:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:25Dax Shepard?

  And all the guys that were in their 30s.

• 32:27Speaker 01

  Totally.

• 32:28Speaker 02

  All the guys were big drinkers.

• 32:29Dax Shepard?

  They all smoked cigarettes in class.

• 32:31Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, we could smoke there.

• 32:33Speaker 01

  No way.

• 32:35Speaker 02

  That was fun.

• 32:35Speaker 01

  Oh, my.

• 32:36Dax Shepard?

  And there were guys who had like plumbing vans in the driveway. Like tradesmen were going to school with Aaron.

• 32:43Speaker 01

  My god.

• 32:45Speaker 02

  I took Dex, never believed any of the stories I told him. Like, I don't believe it. I was like, yeah, this one guy is 22 and he's got cowboy boots.

• 32:57Speaker 02

  He's a real good volleyball player.

• 33:02Speaker 02

  We would go in the baby gym and play volleyball.

• 33:06Dax Shepard?

  This school was really just an assemblage of all the toughest kids from all of the districts. It's the scariest place you could possibly.

• 33:14Speaker 02

  A couple of the teachers were bodybuilders. Cause they had to fucking try to keep everyone in line.

• 33:21Dax Shepard?

  Wasn't for the.

• 33:22Speaker 01

  Did it ever get tricky? Was there crazy fights?

• 33:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, there was crazy fights. Yeah, there was crazy fights. I brought Dex to school one day to check it out.

• 33:30Dax Shepard?

  You know what's funny is you could do a guest pass for a school. But I think generally they gave those out because someone would be thinking about going to that school.

• 33:38Speaker 01

  Is this Charlie's old gym? This is Magnus. Charlie's gym is right there. This is that Porsche guy right here. Oh, boy, what if I was delivering to him? I'm pretty sure it's that one.

• 33:47Speaker 02

  He's right there, he's waiting.

• 33:48Dax Shepard?

  Three guys delivering food.

• 33:51Speaker 01

  With cameras.

• 33:53Speaker 02

  Can't be too safe nowadays.

• 33:58Dax Shepard?

  But Aaron used to get out of that school early. Of course, they couldn't expect those kids to be in school more than six hours or whatever.

• 34:06Speaker 02

  Oh, no, it was, I think, eight to 11:30 or something. It was half of what a normal day would be.

• 34:13Speaker 01

  So nice.

• 34:14Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, just long enough to have four or five cigarettes.

• 34:18Dax Shepard?

  Play some volleyball?

• 34:21Speaker 01

  Could you smoke in class? Or was it like?

• 34:23Speaker 02

  No, you had a smoke break. Yeah, there was a smoking room.

• 34:26Dax Shepard?

  Smoking room.

• 34:28Speaker 01

  I was hitting those darts on the set this last month and Charles, oh, it was so fun.

• 34:33Dax Shepard?

  Cause your character smoked?

• 34:34Speaker 01

  No, one of the guys. And it was doing always have, I'm like, let me have one of those. Oh, it was so nice.

• 34:38Dax Shepard?

  You're so lucky.

• 34:39Speaker 01

  Oh, it's so fun.

• 34:40Dax Shepard?

  You have such a loose grip with addictive stuff.

• 34:42Speaker 01

  Well, I didn't buy a vape this trip, which was a big deal for me. Cause I think I'd be on that for a month after.

• 34:47Speaker 02

  Smoke cigarettes instead?

• 34:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:50Dax Shepard?

  Those are easier to put down than to vape.

• 34:52Speaker 01

  Well, cause they smell so bad. You can vape anywhere.

• 34:55Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you can get away. Also, if you come in the house and you've had some darts.

• 34:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, it stinks so bad. Oh, yeah.

• 35:00Dax Shepard?

  And your kids are on high alert for all things.

• 35:02Speaker 01

  Especially one of them. Oh, yeah.

• 35:04Dax Shepard?

  It's really funny that you spend like the first third of your life hiding everything from your parents. And then the next, you spend a third hiding your life from your kids.

• 35:11Speaker 01

  Totally. I mean, my dad, we grew up, there's zero alcohol in the house. He was a man of the cloth, so you couldn't drink. But I remember one time like, hey, Jack, he was doing yard work on a Saturday. Can I sip some of your Mountain Dew in this styrofoam cup? He's like, no, no, you can't have that. So he goes out and does the weeds and I'd take a sip. I'm like, this is disgusting. It was definitely like a little white wine or something.

• 35:32Dax Shepard?

  So he was having a little on the side. Good for.

• 35:35Speaker 01

  He was snaking it.

• 35:36Dax Shepard?

  Good for Brad. He deserved it.

• 35:38Speaker 02

  Yeah. Oh, you know what? This should tie into this. You might have to edit it out, but maybe not.

• 35:43Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 35:43Speaker 02

  I wrote this just for Ryan. Did you know where the vagina was the first time you were with a girl?

• 35:49Speaker 01

  Great question.

• 35:50Speaker 02

  My first time, I thought she only had a butt.

• 35:58Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 36:01Dax Shepard?

  Let me hear your first time, Aaron.

• 36:03Speaker 02

  Elementary school, this was first time doing the anatomy. So this was Melissa. I dug this hole in my yard.

• 36:14Speaker 02

  I turned it into what I thought was gonna be my fort, but it was kinda just a hole that took way too long to dig, like weeks. And I would cover it up with sticks and stuff. So no one knew about it. I found this deck of cards and some magazines that I put in the dirt.

• 36:34Dax Shepard?

  As decoration?

• 36:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. So it was like naked girls on the cards, which it was just huge bushes, you know?

• 36:43Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 36:44Speaker 02

  Which of course didn't help at all trying to find the vagina, so.

• 36:48Dax Shepard?

  And we're in the bush.

• 36:49Speaker 02

  Yeah. And then when they don't have a bush, which this girl did not, because we're children. So we were like kissing.

• 36:57Dax Shepard?

  We're in a garage or in the fort?

• 36:59Speaker 02

  No, in the hole.

• 36:59Dax Shepard?

  In the hole? That's the hole of war?

• 37:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:02Dax Shepard?

  Let's entertain.

• 37:06Speaker 02

  So we got naked and.

• 37:08Dax Shepard?

  Oh my God. What grade is this?

• 37:10Speaker 02

  Probably like fourth.

• 37:13Dax Shepard?

  Okay, fourth grade?

• 37:17Dax Shepard?

  Making it in a dirt hole.

• 37:20Speaker 02

  Oh my God, I never told you this.

• 37:21Dax Shepard?

  No, I do not.

• 37:23Speaker 02

  So we're in the hole and there was nothing going on. No one was horny.

• 37:32Dax Shepard?

  You're just committed to doing this.

• 37:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, so she was like touching my tiny ball backer and I feel like I'm gonna go to jail for talking. But I was eight or whatever.

• 37:43Dax Shepard?

  It's hard to know who the victim is in this story, really.

• 37:47Speaker 02

  So anyway, I was looking for the vagina and I was like, so her belly button. I'm like, well, that's not it.

• 37:54Dax Shepard?

  Sure.

• 37:55Speaker 02

  Then I was like, or is it?

• 38:01Speaker 02

  So I was like rubbing her stomach and yeah, I was kinda like, I guess this is it.

• 38:06Dax Shepard?

  You gave up?

• 38:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:08Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 38:09Speaker 02

  Cause I thought, well, the only thing left is her butt.

• 38:11Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 38:13Speaker 01

  I'm so happy it ended there. This is wonderful.

• 38:15Dax Shepard?

  That was my exact experience too, but I was newly at Muir. Sixth grade and this really popular seventh grader liked me. I guess we were going together and we went to the Milford Cinema and then afterwards you'd go to Deanna's and hang out. And she's like, let's go behind the garage. And so we're behind the garage and I had bent up someone's shirt at that point and I'd made out a lot, but that was it. And then in the middle of it, she said, I love getting fingered. Which again, this is where we grew up. Like I've not, I've yet to meet a girl this aggressively sexual since. And I met a few of them at that period, Erin as well. I'm like, oh right, she wants me to do that. No problem.

• 38:58Dax Shepard?

  And I put my hand on her pants and I was going down and down and I'm like, okay.

• 39:05Speaker 02

  I love.

• 39:06Dax Shepard?

  This is where my penis would be. There's hair. And then yeah, starting to panic and going, well, the next thing would be her butthole.

• 39:16Dax Shepard?

  She doesn't have a vagina. Where the fuck is, why isn't it right there? And I'm pushing probably on her mom's pubis. But so I'm looking for the penis. And then she goes, have you never done this before? And I just panicked and like puck committed. I just slammed my head deeper in there. I'm gonna fucking touch her butthole and that's gonna be that. And then I found it.

• 39:41Speaker 01

  Oh my gosh.

• 39:43Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it was like nine inches lower than I was expecting.

• 39:45Speaker 01

  Totally. Oh my gosh.

• 39:50Speaker 02

  First three girls I was with only had butts.

• 39:55Dax Shepard?

  We started asking girls before, well, do you have a vagina?

• 40:02Dax Shepard?

  I came to masturbation in the weirdest way. It's back at the original junior high, sixth grade. And I'm with this dirtbag who I rarely hung out with, but we're walking down the road for hours. And I don't know why, he says randomly like, yeah, all those underwear models are gay. He doesn't say that, but yeah, worse. They all have Vaseline stains on their underwear from whacking off. This is a sentence I hear, right? And I'm like, I don't really think a ton of it then, other than, oh, it's gay. It's gay and underwear model, whatever. And then maybe three weeks later, I'm at my dad's house on the weekend and I'm like rifling through

• 40:44Dax Shepard?

  his dresser like I did every time I visited. Like soon as he went to the bar, I was like, check out everything he had. And I just found this fucking enormous jug of Vaseline. I could hear him in my head saying like, dude, gays, dude, just jack it off. And I was like, just rub it on your penis? And I remember sitting on my dad's bed with a fucking huge jar of thick Vaseline and rubbing it and it is confusing, doesn't feel like anything. And then all of a sudden it starts feeling insane. And I think I'm losing my sight, maybe. And I stopped

• 41:24Dax Shepard?

  midway. I panicked. And then I put the Vaseline away and everything. Over the next week, I kept thinking, wait, was that actually like about to feel great? Like I started questioning whether or not. And I was like, I gotta, next time I'm at my dad's, I'm gonna, I'm gonna pursue that again. And sure enough, he went to the bar and I ran upstairs and counted all of his money and then got the Vaseline out. And then saw it through. And then you're just, you're completely off of the races. It just doesn't stop.

• 41:58Speaker 01

  Underwear stain.

• 41:59Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's like you're one of those gay models.

• 42:03Speaker 01

  Those gorgeous gay models.

• 42:05Dax Shepard?

  And then what's so weird is like, there was no religion in my house, really, to speak of. But I felt so guilty. I was constantly trying to quit. I remember I was like, if I used my mom's lotion, I felt perverted. Like if I went and got some of her intensive care.

• 42:21Speaker 01

  It smells like your mom.

• 42:22Dax Shepard?

  Vaseline intensive care. Like, oh my God, I'm going to hell. I used my mother's sweet wholesome lotion for this.

• 42:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I think I always pretty much felt guilty after, for sure. Do you remember when you started, Aaron?

• 42:38Speaker 02

  Well, unwillingly took part in

• 42:41Dax Shepard?

  Oh, sure.

• 42:42Speaker 02

  some of that nonsense. Right around that same time I was digging the hole and all that.

• 42:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 42:46Speaker 02

  They came back to bite me with that very safe neighborhood I was in. But, um,

• 42:51Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, so safe.

• 42:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, so I was being taught that unwillingly.

• 42:55Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, by an older grocer.

• 42:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, but the first time, this was probably, sure, sixth grade.

• 43:02Dax Shepard?

  I still remember my very first sexual feeling, but it wasn't for humans. I was like in fifth grade and I was asleep and I woke up with a boner, which I think was the first time I remember doing that. And in my dream, I had been humping this rock that was on my way to school. That's on the wall that I saw all the time.

• 43:24Speaker 01

  Sexy ass rock.

• 43:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I had like a sex dream about this rock.

• 43:28Speaker 02

  Oh, my God.

• 43:29Dax Shepard?

  And for the next year that I walked to school before I changed schools, I'd always look at that rock on the corner and just be like waiting for some spark to hit me. And then kind of wanting to hump it, but knowing you can't possibly do that at eight in the morning.

• 43:45Speaker 02

  Oh, my God.

• 43:47Dax Shepard?

  But I do, I would just like lock eyes with this rock every day. And I just didn't know what that, I knew that feeling was just like, I feel the urge to grind on that rock.

• 43:57Speaker 01

  Did you ever grind on the rock?

• 44:00Dax Shepard?

  I didn't.

• 44:00Speaker 01

  Neither.

• 44:01Speaker 02

  Was it too big to like take home?

• 44:03Speaker 01

  Oh my God, it was a boulder.

• 44:04Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it was like someone had it as like landscape art.

• 44:07Speaker 02

  Oh, God, what am I thinking? It's this big? Oh, my God.

• 44:11Dax Shepard?

  That is so funny, dude.

• 44:13Speaker 02

  What a dream.

• 44:13Speaker 01

  Well, it's actually not a boulder.

• 44:15Dax Shepard?

  Those early things, they led to one of the craziest stories I have, which is around that time also I'm watching the movie Real Genius with Val Kilmer. And at one point he's making fun of like the nerd in the school that they hate. His name's Clark, maybe or something. No, it's Kent. And he's like, Kent, what were you doing when we found you naked with that bowl of Jell-O?

• 44:38Dax Shepard?

  And I just remember hearing that thinking like, oh yeah, that would feel really good, wouldn't it? I was just like introduced to that notion from that movie. It was just floating around in my head for I guess eight years. And then I moved to Santa Monica, I'm 21 and I'm at Savon store. And I see that there's like five boxes of Jell-O for a dollar. And I'm like, oh, it's fucking perfect. I live by myself. I've always been thinking about it and I'm gonna love it. So I'm gonna buy five boxes, which I did. And then I came home and I made the Jell-O and I thought it was just Jell-O immediately because I'd never made it.

• 45:19Dax Shepard?

  Gotta let it set. So I'm just waiting. I'm sitting in my La-Z-Boy while it's cooling in the fridge and I'm so horny. I feel like I could maybe spray before I even.

• 45:32Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 45:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, so I got it out early.

• 45:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:36Dax Shepard?

  But it had taken enough shape and it was in a pint glass. And I put my dick in it and it just immediately turned to Kool-Aid. Such a waste of everything. Like I was probably a couple hours into this fantasy by the time I stick it in there. I'm standing in my kitchen because you can't really lay down and fuck the Jell-O. Because it would just pour on you. So I'm like trying to fuck it in my kitchen. It's just red dye spilling all over the floor. I'm like totally bummed with the whole thing. I throw it in the sink. I'm jerking off traditional style. And the next morning I wake up and I go pee and I have like a rash on my dick. But because I'm 21, I'm always convinced I have an STD.

• 46:18Dax Shepard?

  So I'm like, oh, the dye stuck to an STD that I didn't know I had.

• 46:23Speaker 01

  And it's, it's a rash, it's not the dye.

• 46:25Dax Shepard?

  I just, I don't know what it, I decide I have a rash. No, I think it is a rash. I don't know. I have an STD, I know that.

• 46:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:35Dax Shepard?

  Because it just showed me. And so I have no insurance or anything. So I, I look up in the phone book, LA Free Clinic. And I know, and I know you already know the end of the story, but I go in there. And I'm so embarrassed. I don't know really how I'm gonna explain the Jell-O part of this. And then I decided I'm gonna act like me and my girlfriend were experimenting.

• 46:56Speaker 01

  Totally. That's the move.

• 46:57Dax Shepard?

  So I checked in and then I'm behind a sheet and this doctor comes in. She's maybe three years older than me. She's so young and she's so pretty. And I'm like, oh my God. And she's like, so what's going on? And I go, well, I think I, um, I might have something. I, my girlfriend and I were experimenting with Jell-O and oral sex. And she's like, kind of, not, she didn't laugh, but she like likes the side up to this. And then she goes, okay, well, let's see what we got going on. Pull your pants down. And she gets now down and she's like down at my crotch and she looks up at me and she goes, what flavor was it?

• 47:40Dax Shepard?

  And I go strawberry. And she goes, raspberry is my favorite.

• 47:47Speaker 01

  God, is this the beginning of a plot?

• 47:49Dax Shepard?

  I got a hundred percent erect, like, is, I'm 21. It's like a two by four, dead hard, right in front of her face.

• 48:00Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 48:02Dax Shepard?

  And she like looks and she like pushes it to the side and this side and she goes, yeah, this is nothing. You're just a little irritated from the die, but you don't, you don't have anything.

• 48:12Speaker 01

  Oh my gosh, dude. Did you apologize when you got?

• 48:16Dax Shepard?

  I didn't know what to do.

• 48:16Speaker 01

  What do you do? You just stand there.

• 48:18Dax Shepard?

  And then I'm telling myself too, like, why would she have said that other than she is flirting with me? I don't know. My favorite's raspberry.

• 48:24Speaker 01

  Oh, I think I've seen that porno.

• 48:27Dax Shepard?

  Okay, now the funny and punchline to that story is a year and a half later, I meet Bree, fall in love, Bree moves in and like probably 10 times she offers after dinner, you want me to make some of that Jell-O? Cause it's just four boxes are sitting in there. And I said no a bunch of times. And then she goes, you never want this Jell-O. Why do you even have it? And I go, I go, I hate Jell-O, okay? I don't like Jell-O. I bought it cause I wanted to fuck it because of this movie. And I just, I came clean. And then she was laughing so hard.

• 49:04Speaker 01

  It was so good.

• 49:05Dax Shepard?

  And that was basically a sex doll in the cupboard.

• 49:11Speaker 01

  Oh my gosh.

• 49:13Dax Shepard?

  Oh, well, Ryan, I love you.

• 49:15Speaker 01

  Love you guys. That was so nice.

• 49:16Dax Shepard?

  It's just nice to drive around in.

• 49:18Speaker 01

  Did we record anything?

• 49:19Dax Shepard?

  Who cares?

• 49:20Speaker 01

  Who cares?

• 49:21Dax Shepard?

  Who gives a shit?